Best of emergency intercom episodes 1-10

Summary

Emergency Intercom: Best of Episodes 1-10

Released on March 21, 2025 by iHeartPodcasts

Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips
Description: Emergency Intercom is a comedy podcast where Enya and Drew navigate a series of humorous and often outrageous conversations, blending personal anecdotes with satirical takes on everyday situations. While there’s no actual emergency, their intense need for attention promises listeners a wild and entertaining ride.

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1. Opening Antics and Hypothetical Debates

The episode kicks off with a lively debate between Enya (referred to as Orion in the transcript) and Drew about hypothetical life-threatening scenarios. Enya humorously asserts her invincibility, stating, “I'm living one because I'm never gonna die” (01:15), while Drew counters with a playful disbelief, “No one's gonna kill me” (01:30). Their banter sets the tone for a series of exaggerated and comedic discussions about survival and exaggerated scenarios.

Notable Quote:

• Enya: “I'm living one because I'm never gonna die.” (01:15)

2. The Absurdity of Marriage and Celebrity Crushes

A significant portion of the conversation delves into the topic of marriage, with Drew expressing a strong aversion to the institution. He shares a past argument where he adamantly refused to marry even a hypothetical celebrity crush like Harry Styles or Timothee Chalamet, declaring, “I don't believe in marriage because it's fucking insane” (03:15). Enya adds to the humor by mocking the idea of dating such high-profile figures, highlighting the unrealistic nature of celebrity relationships.

Notable Quote:

• Drew: “I don't believe in marriage because it's fucking insane.” (03:15)

3. Financial Woes and Credit Score Shenanigans

The hosts transition into a discussion about financial instability, touching upon the challenges of paying medical bills without insurance. Drew recounts a frustrating experience with his gynecologist's billing, humorously lamenting, “I just spent $500 for my pussy to be fucking swabbed” (10:01). Enya echoes the financial struggles, emphasizing the difficulty in managing bills and the reluctance to engage with credit systems, leading to a humorous plan of co-signing apartments and evading debts.

Notable Quote:

• Enya: “We're literally just airing out, like, us, like, breaking the law.” (11:48)

4. Desire for Chaos and Destruction

In a whimsical yet dark twist, Enya expresses a bizarre fascination with chaos and destruction, sharing her longing to witness a building's demolition, equating it to “the destruction of humanity post-capitalism” (08:05). The conversation veers into fantasy as they imagine themselves causing havoc, blending absurdity with social commentary.

Notable Quote:

• Enya: “It's the destruction of humanity post-capitalism. Like, buildings falling. It's beautiful.” (08:05)

5. Party Fails and Social Faux Pas

The duo shares hilarious anecdotes about their social mishaps, including a memorable incident at a restaurant where their loud and obnoxious behavior inadvertently scared other patrons. Drew narrates a scenario where his over-the-top reactions led to misunderstandings, culminating in both hosts reflecting on their own social awkwardness and the unintended consequences of their antics.

Notable Quote:

• Drew: “If you're wearing thong sandals as a man, you need to go to therapy.” (44:18)

6. Reflections on Social Media and Self-Image

Enya and Drew delve into the pressures of social media, discussing the dichotomy between being perceived as "funny" versus "hot." Drew laments the inability to balance humor and attractiveness, saying, “I'm the funniest girl” versus the pursuit of being “hot.” Enya counters by acknowledging their combined qualities, humorously declaring them both “funny and hot,” yet playfully undermining the notion of achieving both.

Notable Quote:

• Enya: “You can be both funny and hot. It’s not fair.” (26:13)

7. Hygiene Wars: Cleanliness and Hand-Washing Craziness

A recurring theme in the episode is the exaggerated obsession with cleanliness. Both hosts humorously critique each other’s hygiene habits, with Drew mockingly pointing out men’s reluctance to wash hands, and Enya admitting to “fake washing” her hands to avoid the tedious process (30:24). Their playful jab at each other’s quirks highlights the comedic tension and camaraderie between them.

Notable Quote:

• Drew: “Men don’t wash their hands. They don’t wash their balls.” (29:58)

8. Cannabis Chronicles and Bad Weed Experiences

Enya recounts her troubled experiences with weed, describing intense paranoia and irrational fears, such as believing that TV shows are alien mind control mechanisms. Drew contrasts this with his more controlled relationship with cannabis, sharing a relatable story about trying to enjoy a smoke while grappling with the munchies and the desire for the perfect meal.

Notable Quote:

• Enya: “It's trying to kill me constantly.” (53:59)

9. Childhood Memories and Embarrassing School Moments

The conversation takes a nostalgic turn as Drew reminisces about his teenage years, sharing an embarrassing incident where his Vine videos got him suspended from school. Enya relates with her own awkward moments, revealing how early social media interactions led to unintended consequences and lasting memories.

Notable Quote:

• Drew: “I was like, 'Cooking meth, bringing some to school tomorrow, who wants it?’” (37:07)

10. Food Fiascos and Culinary Confusions

Food becomes a central topic as the hosts discuss their peculiar eating habits and preferences. Enya humorously criticizes bone-in meats for being "sinister," while Drew defends his love for fatty foods like squid and octopus. Their exaggerated descriptions add a layer of humor to an everyday subject, making listeners chuckle at their over-the-top portrayals.

Notable Quote:

• Enya: “I can't do bone in meat. That's so sinister.” (55:17)

11. Closing Chaos and Final Shenanigans

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts engage in playful chaos, involving their pet Azul causing mayhem by eating plants and nearly vomiting. Their final interactions encapsulate the essence of Emergency Intercom: a blend of laughter, absurdity, and unfiltered honesty, leaving listeners entertained and eager for more.

Notable Quote:

• Enya: “I'm gonna kill myself, like, this is actually, like, the saddest day of my goddamn life.” (59:17)

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Overall Insights and Conclusion:

Emergency Intercom: Best of Episodes 1-10 showcases Enya and Drew's unique comedic chemistry, characterized by spontaneous humor, relatable yet exaggerated life experiences, and a willingness to delve into both silly and slightly dark topics. Their ability to intertwine personal anecdotes with broader social commentary creates an engaging and entertaining narrative. Memorable quotes punctuate their conversations, offering listeners a taste of their sharp wit and playful banter. For those unfamiliar with the podcast, this compilation serves as a perfect introduction, highlighting the duo's strengths in generating laughter through candid and often outrageous discussions.

Final Notable Quote:

• Drew: “You are intelligent and amazing and you should just start speaking your mind.” (25:22)

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Excluded Sections: Advertisements and non-content segments, including Ryan Seacrest's promos at the beginning and end of the transcript, were intentionally omitted to focus solely on the podcast’s core content.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Drew]

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[Orion]

Down the line, say something up does happen and I do end up getting a blood clot. I'm living one because I'm never gonna die. Like, I'm the luckiest person alive. I'll never die in two years and I'm dead. They're gonna clip that and be like, you're a fucking liar.

[Drew]

We like genuinely not that we feel invincible. No one's gonna kill me.

[Orion]

Exactly.

[Drew]

I'm not being killed by accident.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And that's that. On that. I'm not gonna go into depth. But it's just like I think we.

[Orion]

Can infer what you mean.

[Drew]

Okay. But like not in like a scary way because I don't want to scare anyone or like trigger anyone or like make anyone feel uncomfortable. But like I remember this is a conversation I had with a friend when we first met and we had a debate about this, we where I was like, no fucking murderer is going to murder me. Bitch. I see you coming and I feel like I have no other option. I'm doing the job because I'm not giving you the satisfaction of doing.

[Orion]

You're not getting off on killing me.

[Drew]

Yeah. No one is getting off on killing me. Not even the universe. So if I got to do what I got to do, I'm going to do what I got to do.

[Orion]

I'm going to recycle my body back to earth. But what I was saying is like, I'm not going to die from the vaccine. And if for some reason in 30 years my blood starts clotting, I'm going to survive and I'm going to sue and I'm Going to get my bag, and I'm going to distribute my wealth.

[Drew]

You slay the most insane hypothetical ever. Like, okay, girl.

[Orion]

No, the way. The way I take hypotheticals.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So serious.

[Orion]

So serious. Like, like, sometimes, like, we're close to ending our relationship. Over hypothetical.

[Drew]

Over fucking hypothetical. And it's literally because of me being like, I don't believe in aliens. And Drew will literally throw a fit. Like, I will never see this man as angry as me disagreeing with a hypothetical. And he gets so mad. Cause I just. I can't get into it. I'm like, I am grounded in reality.

[Orion]

It's because you're disagreeing with everything. At my core, it's like. It's like you literally just disagree with me as a person.

[Drew]

Can I tell you about one time me and Orion were out for drinks, and it was with Josh, too. And it's the hypothetical of marrying Harry Styles or Timothee Chalamet on the spot. Came up and I said, I wouldn't do that. I was like, I don't know them. I was like, not only at my core, I don't believe in marriage because it's fucking insane. I'm not marrying anyone, not even the love of my life at any point in my life. So why would I marry this girl?

[Orion]

Literally got married, huh?

[Drew]

You wish we got married. You tried it. See, like I said, not even my platonic soulmate can bag me. No one is getting me to sign those stupid fucking papers. And then she got really, really mad. She got so upset at me.

[Orion]

I'm about to get upset you right now.

[Drew]

Like, okay, first of all, I don't think. And this is a big take, I don't think sexually we would have good chemistry. Me and Harry or me and Timothee Chalamet. Could you imagine us kissing?

[Orion]

No, I literally cannot even imagine.

[Drew]

Like, those are just two men that, like, I don't think biologically we could get it going anyways, so I'm not wearing that. Like, I'm doing that to myself.

[Orion]

I'm fucking Harry Styles.

[Drew]

They're too. They are so disconnected from reality in my head. I cannot comprehend that they are living beings, let alone having to have some sort of, like, relationship with them like that. Like, maybe Timothy on, like, a friendly level, but even that. Like, I crack up at his existence. Not because I find him, like, corny or anything, but people at that level literally make me laugh. It's like Kylie Jenner. Like, if I saw Kylie Jenner girl.

[Orion]

If I just saw her, came up.

[Drew]

To me and just started talking to me, I would cry, crack the fun.

[Orion]

Like, you're. You're not real.

[Drew]

Like, there is no comprehending someone. And also, because I just think about, like sometimes when our followers meet us and they're like, I can't believe, like, I'm looking at you right now like that. With Timothy Chalamet, dude, With Harry Styles, I have like, put it that man.

[Orion]

Is a like God in your brain.

[Drew]

No, he is a fucking 3D render. Like, not a real human. Like, I fascinated about his existence.

[Orion]

His.

[Drew]

I was literally. Yeah, his fucking cock since I was like 14, so therefore his cock does not exist. Actually, I literally can't look at anyone and see their genitals. Like my biggest.

[Orion]

Where are you going now?

[Drew]

I'm just ranting, but like, no, you know how, like, some people look at someone. No, listen, you know, some people look at someone and they like, can sexualize someone. I cannot sexualize anyone for the life of me. Like, I genuinely. I have to. Whoa.

[Orion]

I can.

[Drew]

I have to get to know someone first. And then I'm like, oh, maybe, maybe. But I don't. I don't find people sexy. Like, I'm not like, I find women sexy, but like, men. I'm like, can you fucking get the fuck out of my face?

[Orion]

But that's damn okay.

[Drew]

I just have to get a man to know a man first. Because men, like, off rip, are so gross. They're so gross.

[Orion]

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

[Drew]

Yeah. And then when you get to know them, it's like, okay, stinky, I kinda like you.

[Orion]

Okay, stinky. Okay. Onion powder. You know what? Onion powder. I kinda like you.

[Drew]

But yeah, that's my rant about not being able to imagine myself marrying Timothee Chalamet or Harry Styles.

[Orion]

I'd have sex with both of them. I mean, we could talk about how I know for 1000% fact that I can cross the big red balls in wipeout without a doubt. If they put them in front of me right now, I would literally go so beast mode.

[Drew]

Just say you couldn't carry a gallon of milk and you think you're crossing those balls.

[Orion]

I'm crossing those balls with zero effort. Like, I'm just running like a robot across. Like, like literally. That's all you have to do is just run across. Like, these bitches have the wrong strategy when they dive onto it. Like you. Yeah, of course you're gonna fucking fly off. You're gonna bounce off your jumping on simple physics. It's literally like, I have it all worked out in my brain. Like Physics.

[Drew]

Well, then apply to be on fucking Wipeout. I don't think it's the hardest thing in the world.

[Orion]

No. I'm literally gonna rent them for myself just to prove it to myself.

[Drew]

I would love that, because I would love to try.

[Orion]

I'm. That's my next video, literally.

[Drew]

Where are you gonna rent that? You're acting like it's that fucking. That sky zone. You have to, like, I'll figure it out.

[Orion]

I'll figure it out. I figured everything out.

[Drew]

No, you don't.

[Orion]

I have nothing to do.

[Drew]

Literally yesterday, Drew was like, I want to see a building get demolished. I'm go do that. I was like, what? Sometimes when Drew's in my passenger seat talking in the car, I genuinely feel like there's an automated, like, AI machine trying to make something to relate to me, and then it's just missing because I'm like, what are you talking about?

[Orion]

No. Okay. I just want to see a building fall. It's poetic almost. It's like the destruction of humanity post capitalism. Like, buildings falling. It's beautiful. And I have literally every tik tok.

[Drew]

The post capitalist ramifications of the deep hop ification.

[Orion]

Yeah, literally. But I just think seeing a building fall would hit a spot in me that needs to be hit.

[Drew]

Yeah, I get that, because I was.

[Orion]

It would be beautiful.

[Drew]

Like, literally, that was like when we lived in 1304, and we, like, all had, like, a.

[Orion]

That weird, healthy.

[Drew]

So basically.

[Orion]

No, don't even talk about it. Don't. It's bad. It's bad. Like, that's something that stays.

[Drew]

We wanted to see buildings get, like, basically blown up, but, like, again, no one inside. We just, like. It's just, like, wanting to see that kind of thing.

[Orion]

It's just like, I want just destruction and chaos. Like, literally, for the longest time, I just wanted chaos, and then I got chaos. And I was like, take it back, please.

[Drew]

I can't do this. I wanted it. My chaos. And you were like, wait, why does that sound fun?

[Orion]

Why does that sound lit?

[Drew]

That sounds lit. Fucking stupid.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Okay. Last bill I'll expose is I went to, like, the gynecologist, like, six. No, dude, it's almost a year ago now. I went to the gynecologist because I was like, I need to just go get my coochie checked on because something funky is happening down there.

[Orion]

This discharge looks a little funky.

[Drew]

Funky Town is getting a little too funky.

[Orion]

And honestly, like, her discharge did taste weird. Like.

[Drew]

Funky Town was violating some of the clauses in their bill. But, yeah, it was itchy, itchy, stink, stink. That's the scary part. It didn't smell different. That was what was scaring me, actually. But basically I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection at the same damn time. Hey. Which is pretty common.

[Orion]

But we made sourdough bread in that oven.

[Drew]

With you. But basically when I went, they were.

[Orion]

Like, oh, that was a bar.

[Drew]

They were like, you have to get tests to know if you have bacterial vaginosis. And they were like, well, we have to test this swab and that the lab tests are going to run you like 500, because I also don't have health insurance. And then I was like, okay. And they were like, oh, but you could just pay 250 now and we'll send you the 250 bill later if that makes you more comfortable. Well, like when, after we get the test results back, we'll give you the rest. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna do that, cuz. Like, one, I don't want to spend $500 right now. And then two, how the fuck do I know y' all are actually gonna give me those results? So I was like, okay. And I spent the 250. And I was like, okay, yeah, I even have the voice memos that I sent to you. And I was like, I just spent $500 for my pussy to be fucking swabbed. But, like, the fact that that's a.

[Orion]

Voice level on my phone, I need to find it.

[Drew]

Basically, not too long later, I get a pretty little bill in the mail. And I'm like, oh, this is the 250 I owe. I opened it and it's $1,600. And it doesn't. They gave me an itemized bill. It doesn't have any late fees on there or anything. That's. See, that's why you bitches should have kept your fucking mouth shut. Letting everyone, Letting everyone know that we need. I like, I wish there was a way for everyone to know that you needed to get an itemized bill without the people themselves knowing. Like, the people who will give you itemized bill, because now they know that they're like, bitch, don't ask any questions. We're going to send you the item I asked for.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

But basically I haven't paid that back. And I'd literally rather my fucking pussy shrivel up and fall off my body than to go back, like, because I die. I'm not giving you any more money.

[Orion]

We're literally just airing out, like, us, like, breaking the law. Like, literally criminals and fugitives. Because I have a medical bill that I have insurance. Like, I have insurance. And for some reason they keep trying to get me to pay $260. And I'm like, evading that bill. Like, fudge, y' all, I'm not paying that. Like, come for my credit. I don't even have a credit score because I will never, ever, ever, ever get a credit score. I swear to God.

[Drew]

You say that. And so we need to fucking get our own apartments. And how the fuck are you going to move in?

[Orion]

You're going to co sign for me.

[Drew]

I will. I do that for all my friends.

[Orion]

Thank you. I. I was thinking about that last night. I was like, now how the am I gonna get a car in an apartment? I was like, I'll just have someone co sign.

[Drew]

I literally would co sign. I co sign for all my days. I'll take the L. Because I don't. Because I don't believe in that anyway. I'm like, a credit score? I don't know what the you're talking about. Like, no, I'm like, you can see my credit score, but I don't know if you want to believe that kind of stuff. Like they say all sorts of lies these days.

[Orion]

No, no, no.

[Drew]

But yeah, we need to pay that.

[Orion]

Bill because, like, no, because you're not going to. We're not going to be able to get our own places.

[Drew]

Yeah, I know my credit score is not budget. I'm just going to have to be like, please look like, believe in me.

[Orion]

Put some faith in me.

[Drew]

Have a little trust in me.

[Orion]

We should wait until the stock market crashes, the housing market crashes, because it's just been put afloat. They've been prolonging 2008 for so long. And then we should just buy houses because they'll be like, literally pennies on the dollar. Like, I will buy a $3.1 million home for $1 million, and I will get rich in four years off that house, baby. That's my.

[Drew]

I don't know anything about that. Anyway, let's get back to the topic of this fucking podcast.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

The day I wore that, like, Elmer Fudd orange hat, I was out for ice cream with Mason and Dante and I, like, took it off to talk about how greasy my hair was. It was literally, like, laid flat.

[Orion]

Like, I put gel in it to your head. The cap stuck to your.

[Drew]

That's okay, cuz you have to train your hair to be oily.

[Orion]

And also it's healthy. And also when you get like, when you get three weeks deep and, like, you, like, ring out the oil, it's, like, actually free cooking oil.

[Drew]

I've decided I'm going to start slapping people. Like, imagine when you said that.

[Orion]

I just went, like, start doing it. Like, I literally give you permission to just, like, I. Okay, you know those videos of. Oh, my God, like, you know those videos of, like, people getting, like, massive amounts of, like, disgusting, rotting food poured all over them when they're asleep? Or, like, gallon buckets of water poured on them, or, like, mustard bottles squirted on them? I gave everyone in my life permission to do that to me just when I'm least expecting it. And, like, the other night I fell asleep when everyone was still awake. And, like, I heard Kai mentioned, he was like, we should, like, mustard. We should do it to Drew. And I, like, I, like, actually, like, got so fucking angry inside. I was like, I swear to God, if they try to do that shit to me right now, I will freak the fuck out.

[Drew]

I know every time you keep saying, like, y' all have permission to do that to me. We literally, like, you can't make noise around you. When he's asleep. He will fall asleep in the middle of all the fun and then be like, wake up and be like. Or like, you do this thing where you, like, toss around really angrily instead of saying anything. Like.

[Orion]

Like, everyone will just be in the living room, like, chatting it up. And then I'm like, I just doze off. I fall asleep. And then I get actually angry when people wake me up, when I'm the one that's sleeping in the wrong spot. Like, it's actually, like, so wrong. Like, I'll. I'll storm out of the room, but it's just, like, grumpy. I'm not actually angry. It's just like, I'm fucking tired and I'm, like, woken up.

[Drew]

No, I feel that when we went to that waterfall thing, I, like, I was falling asleep and I was having one of those nights where, like, for some reason I think usually I'm pretty good at that. Like, if I fall asleep around people, I, like, usually don't make a fuss or say anything about it because I can literally sleep through anything but in on this. Like, in Big Sur, I was falling asleep and they. We all fell asleep watching something on the tv. Actually. I was like, let's turn it off, turn it off. Like. And Josh was being really nice because we had to share. Ready? He was like, do you, like, is it the light or is it the noise? I was like, is it both. Turn it off. And I was like, turn it off.

[Orion]

And, like, it off.

[Drew]

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. No. And then Christian was on the other side of the room eating chips.

[Orion]

Oh, God. And I was trying so I know those chips stink.

[Drew]

Like, no, actually, before. Before the chips, him and Lucas were whispering to each other, and all I.

[Orion]

Hear was like, ew.

[Drew]

And I. Out loud, I was like, all I fucking hear right now is stop. Like, And I said that. And then they, like, just kind of laughed, but then stopped. And then I could hear Christian eating his chips and trying so hard to be quiet because it would be like, like. And then he would just be like, like, come the bag.

[Orion]

The worst type of angry is when you're, like, actually angry. And then, like, the people you're angry at just laugh at you.

[Drew]

It's literally me to you in Miami.

[Orion]

I was gonna mention Miami. Like, dude, that shit was actually diabolical. That was rude.

[Drew]

I was drunk.

[Orion]

It's okay. It's.

[Drew]

It's like, it's okay. I was drunk.

[Orion]

It's chill now. But, like, literally, I was so mad, I snapped. It was, like, my breaking point. Like, I snapped. Like, I was asleep peacefully in the room. Indian Orion had, like, gone out. And I was like, I don't want to, like, go out to a club tonight. I'm, like, good. Just, like, hanging out and, like, going to sleep early, whatever. And, like, in your. And Orion stumble in. Like, three hours later. I was, like, dead asleep. And they are just, like, literally the loudest I've ever heard them be in my entire life. They were like, let's just. It felt like they were like, let's be as loud as possible to piss off Drew in particular.

[Drew]

And I don't remember thinking for a second about the fact that you were sleeping. Like, I was just on one.

[Orion]

And I, like, I tried my hardest. I really did. I, like, covered my head with my pillow. I did my thrash. I thrashed a couple times, like, as a warning sign. It's, like, literally me, like, warning y' all. It's like. Like, I'm about to snap if y' all don't shut the fuck up. And then I just snap. I don't even remember what I said.

[Drew]

You were like, this is literally the meanest thing anyone's ever done to me. Like, me. And I just laughed. It was so mean.

[Orion]

And I was like, wow. I, like, actually was, like, really angry, like, in my heart angry, like, seeing red.

[Drew]

If everyone on the planet Earth decided, like, any of the one going to the Moon. No, bitch, I'm killing myself. I don't want to fucking go to the moon. There's no one there. There's nothing there.

[Orion]

I would wholeheartedly. I would accept that fully. Like, if someone was like, go to the moon, I'd be like, yeah, I'm going to the fucking moon, with a guarantee I wouldn't explode in space. Like, I would fully go, no, I don't want that.

[Drew]

I want, like, attention for being, like, hot and funny and, like, creative.

[Orion]

You'd be the hot, funny, creative first.

[Drew]

No, I'd be the fucking nerd on the moon.

[Orion]

No, you'd be the first hot, funny, creative girl on the moon.

[Drew]

If I could. Okay, if I could go to the moon with my tits out, I would go to the moon, girl.

[Orion]

You can. In this hypothetical, you can.

[Drew]

Okay, then. Yeah, I'm going to the moon.

[Orion]

Yeah. Convincing you to go to the moon. Like, you can have your tits out if you want.

[Drew]

You literally can't. Like, I guess if they built a suit with, like, a shell around my.

[Orion]

Well, they will free the nipple in our lifetime. Like, the nipple will be free. I believe that.

[Drew]

You shut your fucking mouth. Like, just think before you speak. But basically, I don't believe in moon travel. Drew has also, I guess, commercialized. I don't fuck with billionaires going to the moon. We need to kill these motherfuckers there.

[Orion]

I said, literally, you're Wendy Williams. Oh, damn.

[Drew]

To all of them.

[Orion]

Death. Death to the billionaires. Literally, though.

[Drew]

Wait, did you actually say that?

[Orion]

No, she didn't say to the billionaires.

[Drew]

You, like, really gave a show of it.

[Orion]

I was like, no, I agree, though. Like, kind of. I don't think, like, we should kill them, but we should figure something out where they, like, suffer a little.

[Drew]

No killing people. I don't know. But, like, girl, we need to lock you up in a cage. Like, we need to put you in a corner.

[Orion]

It is so unethical to have that amount of money. That much money.

[Drew]

That makes no sense.

[Orion]

Like, what are you doing with it? And I understand the whole argument. Like, well, Jeffrey Bezos doesn't actually have that money. It's all tied up in stocks. Well, like, fudge off. Like, I don't care.

[Drew]

He shouldn't have the, like, capability of, like, pulling that money out. Yeah, that even makes sense.

[Orion]

But, like, literally, it's kind of crazy, because if he did, he would destroy the world. Like, if he was just, like, one day, like, I want to liquidate Amazon and sell all my stocks. Like, it would actually destroy the world for a little bit because, like, we are so Amazon ified after the pandemic.

[Drew]

Like, I know if I would have to like go get my cat food, that would destroy me.

[Orion]

Yeah, I had to like leave the house. The house. But yeah, billionaires going to space is stupid. And I would have loved to watch one of the rockets blow up.

[Drew]

That would be awesome. But then what would happen? Who would take over his.

[Orion]

Probably some Jeffrey Bezos stepped down like a month ago or some shit like that. Like, he stepped down from like, I don't know, I don't care at all, truly. But he stepped down as a position and I had a theory. I was like, the rocket's gonna blow up, but he's not actually going to be in the rocket and he's gonna fake his death and like live his life out on some.

[Drew]

Like, not you talking about the Shane dossification of conspiracy theories and then sitting here talking about Jeff Bezos faking his death.

[Orion]

He would though. Like, if I was there, I would like.

[Drew]

And then it sounds like you would. You don't know this man.

[Orion]

Yeah, I do. Like, we hang out. I was on full blown demon mode. Like, I was evil.

[Drew]

Yeah, we talked about this before, about how we.

[Orion]

It was a purge. Like, the reason why I was like in purgatory mentally for the past three, four days was because I've been like hungover. And this is why I don't drink often and I can't drink often is because like my hangovers last forever. Like, they've actually with my brain chemistry and like make me like a zombie of a person. I guess that's literally fucking everybody. Like, I'm not special. But it lasts for days and days and days. But oh my God, I was, I was on one.

[Drew]

I literally didn't have a hangover because I'm a slave.

[Orion]

You are a slave.

[Drew]

I literally, after drinking, I will come home, shower, wash my face, go to bed, wake up, eat, slay.

[Orion]

When I come home after a night of drinking, I find rotten watermelons. I break them on the floor of the kitchen and put my feet in them and play in it. And that's not a joke. We'll add a picture and some video. And then I go to the most expensive house in LA and try to sneak in and almost get my ass beat by the security guards. And then I tell everybody pulling up to the party, like, don't go up there. They're having demon blood orgies. Like, it's really evil, sinister. Like, don't do it. And yeah, it's just, like, really, really dark. Like, I don't know what goes on in my brain when I'm drunk, but I'm like. I'm like, I'm a different person.

[Drew]

I. I think I just didn't get that drunk.

[Orion]

Like, we have free bottles of Azul. Like, I was, like, literally chugging that.

[Drew]

I know, dude. Ew. I, like, I. I don't. I get, like, the idea of, like, people, like, pouring shots in someone's mouth and it being, like, a sexy thing, but literally, I am not sexy in that way. I'm like, don't do that. I. I gonna get acid reflux. And I did.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I literally got acid reflux. I was, like, like, about to throw up, and I'm like, thank you.

[Orion]

Oh, my God. Like, literally. Like, no offense, but I was a super spreader that night. Like, I, like, was pouring that bottle into everyone's mouth. Luckily, you were first and, like, Denzel was second. But, like, I was pouring it into, like, everyone's mouth. Like, anybody who, like, oh, my God, I need to talk about this. But if you have, like, a bottle in the club, like, you actually get, like, harassed. Like, I was touched in ways I can't describe, and it was wrong. It was wrong in every sense of the word. What I wanted to say about the Olympics is, like. It actually is fucking hilarious to me how, like, we've literally been doing this since, like, the dawn of, like, human consciousness.

[Drew]

The most, like, human.

[Orion]

So primal. Like, we literally, like, since the Colosseum, we've just been, like, fucking, like, flipping around, flipping around, like, running and, like, chanting for our country. Like, that shit's so funny. Like, really think about it. Like, we've been like, we're just so human, you know? Like, the Olympics is the most human.

[Drew]

So, like, primal. Like, animal. Like, animal instinct to be, like, competition.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Jump.

[Orion]

Like, I'm better than you, and I'm going to prove that I'm better than you and I'm the best in the world. Like, and, like, then I watch it and, like, my animal brain turns on, and I eat that shit up every fucking time. Like, no matter the event, I'm like, yes. Like, go. Like, when? Like, no matter. And it's also, like, whoever wins, I'm like, you. You. I knew you were going to win that shit.

[Drew]

That's your worst. I mean, you're like, oh, no. I knew it. I know. I knew it. I was. I was thinking about that already.

[Orion]

Like, I know. I know that's a huge insecurity of mine. And every time I say. I'm like, why did I say that? But I literally do. I literally do think it. And then before, I just don't say it, and then you say it or someone else says it, literally. It's a pride thing, I think. I think it stems down to, like, pride. And I'm like, I wish I said that. Or, like, a jealousy thing because everybody got a laugh from it. And I'm like, I wish I said that, because I did know that and I said that.

[Drew]

You are intelligent and amazing and you should just start speaking your mind.

[Orion]

I do know. You know what the problem is?

[Drew]

Because your dumb little ass lets things like balls in my mouth come out instead of other things. Instead of saying, like, the intellectual thoughts you have, you're like. Falls in my mouth.

[Orion]

Because it's way better. It's way better. No one wants. No one wants another smart person. Everybody wants a clown. That was deep. That was deep.

[Drew]

Literally, me, when I show up to.

[Orion]

The party, but I do.

[Drew]

When I show up to a party that I'm invited to, I'm like, they didn't want another hot girl. They wanted a silly girl. Someone made a TikTok that really struck a nerve with me. And they were like, I used to in life be like, I'm not the. The hottest girl, but I'm the funniest girl. And then I get on this app and I see the hottest, funniest people in the world, and I'm like, oh, so there's combo.

[Orion]

Choose one.

[Drew]

Choose one. There's literally combo meals out there running around, and here I am.

[Orion]

You can't be both funny and hot. It's not fair. It's not.

[Drew]

Yeah, I know.

[Orion]

I mean, honestly, look at us. Like, we're both funny.

[Drew]

Touch me.

[Orion]

We're both funny and hot.

[Drew]

I don't. I. I would consider myself, like, pretty. And, like, when I. When I put all my driving force into it, I could be hot.

[Orion]

Yeah, I agree. I know for me.

[Drew]

You agree?

[Orion]

Yeah. I think you're a hot person.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Orion]

And I want to bed you. And for me, everyone calling me hot has done absolutely nothing for me. I thought it would be good for me. I thought I'd be like, oh, finally. Like, I am attractive. But no, Like, I still think I'm the ugliest.

[Drew]

Well, now. Now it just sets an expectation. The best thing to ever happen to me was Josh's vlogs and seeing how ugly I can look on camera. And I was like, oh, okay, yeah, I don't have to be hot all the time. Like, I'M a person.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And I was like, that was a very humbling and, like, grounding experience. Because before that, all the content of me was like, stuff I had filmed.

[Orion]

Perfect angles.

[Drew]

Yeah. Like, perfect lighting. And then like, there's specifically one clip of me in one of Josh's vlogs. I was like, I am just a person. Huh? I'm just a simple human. I was like, that's okay. I'm not Carly Jenner. I'm. I. Oh, I am for sure. No Carly Jenner. I'm silly.

[Orion]

Who's Carly Jenner?

[Drew]

I'm a silly billy.

[Orion]

Who the is Carly Jenner?

[Drew]

Your mom?

[Orion]

There's no one named Carly Jenner. And my mom's name is not Carly Jenner. I'm really confused by this and it's starting to irk me.

[Drew]

You're so fucking stupid.

[Orion]

Who the fuck is Karlie Jenner?

[Drew]

Shut up. I think we're fucking done.

[Orion]

No. Your credit score.

[Drew]

Oh, I had to update. My credit score is awesome. It's back to normal.

[Orion]

Yes.

[Drew]

And I just want to say that is further proof that that shit is not fucking real. And guess what? To get it back to normal, I didn't pay my goddamn gynecologist bill and I'm not gonna pay it.

[Orion]

That's a lie.

[Drew]

I really need a pap smear.

[Orion]

Someone did leave. I'll do it. Someone did leave a comment.

[Drew]

When we were leaving and I was like, I think the house is gonna blow up. I was not kidding. And I was like, I was so sure. And I came and I jiggled all the knobs to make sure they were off. And I was like, I didn't take a picture of it. So like, it's probably.

[Orion]

Do you think it was because we like deep cleaned and I was like touching all the knobs.

[Drew]

No, it's just sometimes like, it, like I get an itch in the back of my brain and I'm convinced that, like I left it on and the house is gonna burn and like, Izzel's gonna die.

[Orion]

You should maybe like get that looked at. That doesn't sound healthy.

[Drew]

No, my chlorophyll fixes it.

[Orion]

You shouldn't be living.

[Drew]

Like, I'm like, I take chlorophyll.

[Orion]

Like, it shouldn't be living like that.

[Drew]

No, the door locking thing is a problem. Like, it literally everyone always makes fun of me that I can't leave the house on time, but it's because I have to, like, on top of.

[Orion]

Just wash your hands 63 times. You. I have to Pee three times. You come back and you're like, oh, I need to wash my hands because I just locked the door. And then you're like, oh, I need to go pee, because if I have to go pee when I'm out, like, I had to go in the public bathroom, and there's germs, but it's just, like, a problem.

[Drew]

But the public bathroom is good if you've eaten because you have to wash your hands after you eat.

[Orion]

Duh. Not me. Not me, not anybody else.

[Drew]

Not before or after. Never. Men don't wash their hands.

[Orion]

No.

[Drew]

People don't fucking talk about that. Men do not wash their hands. And it is so nasty. No, they're like, I didn't have to wipe. I'm like, bitch, my penis grab your balls.

[Orion]

Literally, my penis. I'm sorry. This is going to be really graphic. But my penis goes in mouths. Like. Like, I'm. I don't have to wash my hands after I touch my wiener. Like, I'm sorry.

[Drew]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You said mouths because it. Like, are you treating a mouth like a fucking dishwasher for your dick? Like, is that what you're alluding to right now?

[Orion]

Just saying it's not dirty.

[Drew]

I would hope it's not dirty before it goes in something.

[Orion]

Mom.

[Drew]

Don't watch this episode whispering, mom, that is fucking gross. Men don't wash their balls. They don't wash their hands.

[Orion]

I wash my balls and I wash occasionally. I wash my hands.

[Drew]

Both getting. Occasionally.

[Orion]

I wash my hands.

[Drew]

No, they don't, because.

[Orion]

No. I fake wash my hands.

[Drew]

The hand soap lasts way too long in our house.

[Orion]

I fake wash my hands. I'm gonna be honest. I turn on the sink and I make it sound like I'm washing my hands in the oven.

[Drew]

As if your mom's outside.

[Orion]

Literally. No. Literally everybody's done that. I swear to God.

[Drew]

I have never done that in my life. I washed my fucking hands. No, actually.

[Orion]

Well, you've never fake washed your hands.

[Drew]

No, I. You know what happens is if I try to do a quick wash, I'll get really insecure, and I'll be like, my hands are so fucking dirty. And I'll do, like, a quick wash, and then I'll be like, dry my hands off and try to leave the bathroom. And then the back of my brain is like, if you don't fucking wash your hands right now, you're probably gonna die. And I'm like, oh, my God. And then I'll turn it. I'll, like, deep wash them.

[Orion]

I know there is Someone out there watching this that has fake washed their hands along with me. They just. You just turn on the water, you run it and then you turn it off and then you leave the room.

[Drew]

You don't even get like.

[Orion]

No, you don't even get your hands wet. Cuz it's annoying. Because then you have to fucking dry your hands off.

[Drew]

There's a towel for your hands.

[Orion]

Yeah, but the towels dirty. Because it's been washed a hundred times with other hands.

[Drew]

No, because the hands that are wiping off on the towel are clean.

[Orion]

Have you ever heard of mold people? Have you ever heard of mold? I'm convinced our house is full of mold. Constantly. I swear to God. I watched one fucking video about like indoor allergies and mold and people were.

[Drew]

Like, you're so fucking annoying. Drew got seasonal allergies and he was like, there's mold in the wall.

[Orion]

Because I've never had allergies in my entire life. And then all of the sudden I come in. I don't have allergies when I'm outside. But then I come inside and immediately I have a sniffy nose and my nose itches.

[Drew]

Your fucking room is dusty. When's the last time you wash your sheets?

[Orion]

I don't wash my hands. You think I wash my sheets? No, I don't wash my wiener. You think I wash my seats? Guys, this is all jokes. This is all jokes. I need to make that clear. Did you know spongebob actually was like filmed in the bikini box?

[Drew]

Was practical.

[Orion]

It was real. All of that was real. I just don't know what camera they filmed on because that looked like a cartoon. Like I don't know how the they did that.

[Drew]

No, it was. It was the famous kids camera off of Amazon.

[Orion]

Oh, really?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Orion]

That's actually crazy because I literally remember watching that as a kid and was just like. Remember like, I was just like, how the did they film, make this look like.

[Drew]

And especially underwater.

[Orion]

And who's. Who's the character? Like, who's playing me?

[Drew]

If I had a heart attack, I like to think that like I would trend and that would be like a good thing on Twitter for me. Yeah, yeah, no, but I don't have Twitter, so I don't know if I'd turn on Twitter. So maybe I'd get like a lot of reposts on like IG story.

[Orion]

Yeah, no, I would definitely be. I'd definitely milk your death like crazy.

[Drew]

And you have all my permission too.

[Orion]

We've talked about. I honestly don't know how I would react.

[Drew]

No, I feel like we're not the kind of people to, like, grief publicly like that and intensely, which is kind of annoying because, like, my lifelong goal is to get, like, as much attention as possible. And the idea that, like, when I pass, my friends won't be, like, belligerently on the Internet talking about me all the time 24 7. It's kind of annoying, but, like, kind of beautiful because, like, I know I'm.

[Orion]

Like, you're still loved. You're still loved.

[Drew]

I want public love. Like, people are like, no, that's toxic. You shouldn't be, like, possessive and want people to be jealous and, like, angry. No, I want all of my friends to know that, like, if they lost me, it would be, like, the greatest. Whether, like, I just stopped being their friends or. I. Sorry, I thought I left the front door open. If we get. If a stranger comes in, that's good. Whether. If it's Josiah or a stranger. I don't know how long that cut is or how, like, weird it was, but if it jumped, it's because we were getting a knock at the door, and I thought it was Josiah and actually pissed me off so much because we told him to be quiet. And I was ready to go down there and, like, be a mean older sister and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[Orion]

I told you to shut the hell.

[Drew]

Up when you came here, but it was the mailman. And then this is kind of weird. I got a poster delivered, so it was like. Like. Like a circular object. And he did, like, we did have sex, and we did use it like a dildo. So that was weird. But, like, yeah, we did. I. No one knows. I was gone for a long time.

[Orion]

You were gone for, like, seven seconds.

[Drew]

I'm a quick girl. One of my favorite videos to laugh at because it will never not be funny is James Charles.

[Orion]

Dude, not enough people talk about that collection of videos, but that is actually the best thing, the best content he ever made. Dude, that and the one with him singing with the Lopez brothers dancing in the background, actually dystopian like.

[Drew]

No, that. That is also. That is a person who did all that and then was, like, in the middle of the Grand Canyon, singing, like.

[Orion]

I mean, James Charles, like, is so effortlessly funny, and it's unfair because everything he does makes me laugh.

[Drew]

No. And it's.

[Orion]

No.

[Drew]

What makes it so funny is, like, it's, like, very serious. Like, he thought him singing in the middle of that canyon was, like, ethereal. Like, it was like. It was like, this is. He watched that video Back. He was like, are you kidding me? Like, that was everything. Dude, if you can right now, literally open up a separate tab and look up James Charles, Coachella, Beyonce, that person. I'm not kidding. That is like the least rhythmically inclined human on this planet. I like and I stand by that.

[Orion]

Yeah. Period, point, blank, period. Everything. It's. It's just so, like, it's so perfectly imperfect. Like, there's so, so many good, bad things about it. It's like, like, I think I've said this before, but, like, I actually enjoy watching bad movies more than good movies because, like, you literally don't have to focus on it. You just laugh and make fun of it.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Orion]

Like, that's purely what those James Charles dancing videos are for me is. It's just like so bad. I can't look.

[Drew]

It's like Coco Melon.

[Orion]

Exactly. It turns off my brain.

[Drew]

I was sitting in class and the principal came up and. Or the vice principal. I think it was a vice principal. I fucking hated him. And I hope he has like a hemorrhoid or something really annoying right now, cuz I fucking hate him. But he came and he was, I'm.

[Orion]

Gonna eat that hemorrhoid like a jelly bean. I just wanna bite it off. I love biting hemorrhoids. You know what I'm talking about? When you get the hemis, they're little jelly beans around the edge and you just like pull them off, like bite them with your front teeth. Bloody, bloody hemorrhoids.

[Drew]

No, keep going.

[Orion]

The hemorrhoid.

[Drew]

Like you are going to keep going. I'm just not going to say anything. But basically I got pulled out of French class and they were like, come down to the office. And I was like, what the did I do? I go down to the office and they have my vine playing on the computer. I was like, I was like, oh, my God. And I think someone at the school snitched on me because I was like. I was like, you motherfuckers don't know about Vine. Because people at my school didn't like, care about Vine. And then I heard through the grapevine that someone had snitched on me. So one of the, like, who, like, losers were one of those nerd ass who worked in the office. I was like, you, You're a hater. But yeah, I got suspended for a week. And that's actually how my dad found out about my vine account.

[Orion]

Yay.

[Drew]

And that was a nightmare because I. I was like on there screaming about Niall Horan being shirtless, being Like a.

[Orion]

Thornberry dude, literally, that reminded me of probably the most trouble I had gotten in in my entire life was from my Twitter account. So I. Yeah, I had a reef tank, like a coral reef. Like, I had a bunch of beautiful coral, a bunch of like really expensive fish. Fish. Like, I. It was like my pride and joy. And they obviously with that, like, you have to like, test the water chemistry. So, like, I had this like, set of like, chemicals that, like, you, like, get samples of water and you put it in there and it legitimately looks like like, breaking bad vibes. Breaking bad vibes. Like, it looks gnarly. It looks like I'm making meth with this kit. So, like, obviously my like young ass fucking 15 year old brain is like, oh, like I'm gonna make a banger tweet. So I take a picture of it and I post it on my Twitter account and I'm like, cooking meth, bringing some to school tomorrow, who wants it? And like. Like, just like the most psycho shit. And sure enough, I know who fucking snitched on me. I'm not gonna say their name. And I'm sure they're fucking listening to this because they were like my biggest hater fan. And they. They're. They're a grown ass fucking man, bitch. I fucking hate you. And I hope your house burns down with your family inside.

[Drew]

What is wrong?

[Orion]

No. He ruined my life.

[Drew]

I was literally mean to that lady the other day for no reason in the car. And I was like, she honked at me. And you were like. Because you scared her. And I was like, yeah, I fucking scared her because she has two more days to live. Fuck that bitch. And I said like the meanest thing ever.

[Orion]

Literally. No.

[Drew]

We were like at dinner and you started it, bitch.

[Orion]

Yeah, I was just like, I don't. I don't know how I started.

[Drew]

Dude, you just started it by being really loud about nothing. You were just like, oh, yeah.

[Orion]

I would just, like, just randomly just laugh as loud as fucking possible. Like, I'd be like, like, really, really fucking loud.

[Drew]

The thing is, it's like not funny.

[Orion]

To anyone, but it's like cringy probably, but I just do that really fucking loud.

[Drew]

And it, like, makes me crock up.

[Orion]

It's like bassy too. It's like, it. It's not something you hear, it's something you feel like. It's. It's like a feeling.

[Drew]

One of the reasons the. The couple, the older couple next to us, like, actually, if anybody has, like, I could probably look this up and it's like, I don't need to be asking this, but we went to BCD tofu house, and someone put beer into their. Into their rice, and I was like, I'm so intrigued by that. Like, I don't know, like, why they did that. And I didn't ask, and I didn't Google it because I'm a piece of shit, and I just, like, want to know. And if I don't know, then I guess I'll never know.

[Orion]

Never know.

[Drew]

But me and Drew just making the joke that we were like, what if we were, like, so out of touch? And just, like.

[Orion]

I was just like, no, what is that for? That looks gross. Why are you doing that? Like, just, like, really out of touch.

[Drew]

Or, like, just, like, super, like, toned up and like, oh, you're not. Like, you're not supposed to be doing that.

[Orion]

Like, actually, that's bad.

[Drew]

Like, and we were just, like, cracking. Sorry, my car is literally overriding to turn off. And we were just cracking up from that. And then. Oh, from us laughing from that. This, like, couple was on, like, what was very obviously a first date and.

[Orion]

This, like, maybe a second date.

[Drew]

Yeah, maybe a second date. And the white girl of the duo was, like, giving us death stares from.

[Orion]

Looking us up and down. So, like, we were just like, okay, we'll fucking look back. So we, like, we're making that face, and we're just like. Like, I was looking at everybody in the restaurant doing that, though. Like, I was trying to make eye contact with everybody.

[Drew]

It was so funny when you scared and you're like, I literally just looked everyone in here in the eye.

[Orion]

No, it was. It was crazy. Like, I had never felt the way I felt that night. And I was, like, making full eye contact with people and, like. Like, like looking them up and down, like. And they were probably like, dude, who is this? Why is he judging me like this?

[Drew]

And for some reason, we were hella focused on the tv. Like, if we weren't doing that, we were dead silent watching tv. And all the TV was Was commercials for the restaurant we were in.

[Orion]

Celebrities love bcd, tofu.

[Drew]

But basically, Drew's doing that. And I, like, to him, I was like, what if I did this? But I just ended up doing it anyway. I was like, no, but what if I did this? And, like, she was sitting here next to me, and I, like, turned, and I was like. And, like, turn back.

[Orion]

Like, looked her up and down.

[Drew]

Someone's gonna be like, they're bullies.

[Orion]

No, but she. They were. I will say she was really Pretty. Like, she was. Yeah, she was really pretty. But, like, she just gave an energy. Like, she just gave an off energy. And, like, she was really angry.

[Drew]

Like, us trying to excuse it.

[Orion]

There's no excuse.

[Drew]

Something's wrong with this stranger. Like, they don't find us being, like, obnoxiously annoying. And also, we were, like, talking so loud.

[Orion]

We were being like, there's no excuse for our behavior. And if you were there, like, I am wholeheartedly, wholeheartedly sorry that you experienced the wrath of Drew and in yo, like, on one. But, like, we mean no harm by it. Like, we love you.

[Drew]

Like, yeah, I'm sorry. If you're ever caught in the crossfire, just know, like, it's fun and you.

[Orion]

Can talk shit about us. Like, we give you full permission.

[Drew]

Yeah, everyone can talk shit about us. Call us annoying. We know we are.

[Orion]

And at the end of the day, like, I love myself. Guys, if we should kiss in one episode, let us know.

[Drew]

That's why I'm okay with being a bitter fucking hater, because I know a lot of times I'm projecting it. I'm a piece of shit, and I'm okay.

[Orion]

Oh, look, that's sweet. They're picking it up. Oh, no, they just kicked it. Assholes. Oh, they're gonna go smoke on the roof.

[Drew]

I'm literally like, where are they going? They look like they fucking stink, okay? Not us being lazy.

[Orion]

They saw it. That was real. That was real. That was us in lifetime being bitter bullies.

[Drew]

I swear, I wasn't doing that on purpose. Like, they literally do look like they stink. They're like two white dudes with flip flops on. If you're wearing thong sandals out as a man, you need to go to therapy. You need to figure, I know your stinks. I know you don't cut your toenails, and I know your stinks, period. Like, I know you smell like balls.

[Orion]

Just wear slides, please. Just wear slides, please.

[Drew]

Also, men. Men.

[Orion]

Has a lot of opinions on men loving themselves.

[Drew]

I can't be the only person straight men like, feeling themselves and taking pictures of themselves. I'm like, why are you doing that? Like, that? Like, I not. I, like, want a man who is, like, confident and, like, likes himself. But I'm like, if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie because the sun is on you or something, I'm crashing in the car.

[Orion]

I'm crashing it into the median.

[Drew]

I'm crashing it, and I'm blaming you.

[Orion]

I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing.

[Drew]

Yeah, I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T bone accident. Because you shouldn't be doing that. Like, like, you don't have, like, the fucking New York Times app to be looking at. Like, why are you looking at yourself?

[Orion]

Dude, Play chess. Play chess.

[Drew]

Actually, don't be on your phone. I also can't stand, like, a man who's on his phone so much. Like, what do you have going on there?

[Orion]

Who are you texting?

[Drew]

I wish I was kidding. Like, I was in the car with, like, I, I, I've just been in situations with, like, men, and I'm like, I literally will out loud be like, why are you on the phone so much?

[Orion]

Like, who are you texting?

[Drew]

I'm like, you were so. Not even that. I'm like, you are so embarrassing. Like, you, you don't want to look outside and, like, be like, what is.

[Orion]

There to look at in la?

[Drew]

We weren't driving around concrete jungle. Concrete jungle? That's New York, you idiot.

[Orion]

See, if you look up that you.

[Drew]

Would know also, maybe, like, again, I'm projecting because I get carsick and I can't look at the.

[Orion]

You're jealous. You're jealous of what? Like, I can do.

[Drew]

No, you just, like, as, like, why the fuck are you looking like, what is on there? Stop. I fucking hate it.

[Orion]

You're literally listening.

[Drew]

I'm kidding. Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone. What do you need an iPhone for? If you want to post on ig, wait till you get home. Go have an ipod touch. Go have an iPad.

[Orion]

Bring your burner and your ipod touch with no service. If you have a phone with service as a straight man.

[Drew]

No, like, what are you up to? Like, no good. Like, you're up to no good on that thing.

[Orion]

You're either.

[Drew]

Yeah, you're sexting someone and I don't.

[Orion]

Like that you're sexting someone.

[Drew]

No, I just don't like it. It's so gross. But, yeah, I could go on for days.

[Orion]

Enya goes on for days and days and days.

[Drew]

I just have a lot of opinions about, like, straight men. I'm like, oh, you should.

[Orion]

Like, you shouldn't love yourself. That's what she.

[Drew]

No, like, you should be confident, but don't take off. Like, when a man stop someone, the other. No, I won't. I can't be the only person straight men like, feeling themselves and taking pictures of themselves. I'm like, why are you doing that? Like that. Like, I Not. I, like, want a man who is, like, confident and, like, likes himself. But I'm like, if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie because the sun is on you or something. I'm crashing in the car.

[Orion]

I'm crashing it into the media.

[Drew]

I'm crashing it and I'm blaming you.

[Orion]

I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing.

[Drew]

Yeah, I'm unbuckling, buckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T bone accident. Because you shouldn't be doing that. Like, like, you don't have, like, the New York Times app to be looking at. Like, why are you looking at yourself?

[Orion]

Play chess. Play chess.

[Drew]

Actually, don't be on your phone. I also can't stand, like, a man who's on his phone so much. Like, what do you have going on there?

[Orion]

Who are you texting?

[Drew]

I wish I was kidding. Like, I was in the car with, like, I, I, I've just been in situations with, like, men, and I'm like, I literally will out loud be like, why are you on the phone so much?

[Orion]

Like, who are you texting?

[Drew]

I'm like, you were so. Not even that. I'm like, you were so embarrassing. Like, you, you don't want to look outside and, like, be like, what is.

[Orion]

There to look at in la?

[Drew]

We weren't driving around la.

[Orion]

Concrete jungle.

[Drew]

Concrete jungle? That's New York, you idiot.

[Orion]

See, if you look at, you would know.

[Drew]

Also, maybe, like, again, I'm projecting because I get car sick and I can't look at the.

[Orion]

You're jealous. You're jealous of what? Like, I can do.

[Drew]

No, you just, like, as, like, why the fuck are you looking like, what is on there? Stop. I fucking hate it.

[Orion]

You're literally.

[Drew]

Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone. What do you need an iPhone for? If you want to post on ig, wait till you get home. Go have an ipod touch. Go have an iPad.

[Orion]

Bring your burner and your ipod touch with no service. If you have a phone with service. As a straight man.

[Drew]

No, like, what are you up to? Like, no good. Like, you're up to no good on that thing.

[Orion]

You're either.

[Drew]

Yeah, you're sexting someone, and I don't.

[Orion]

Like that you're sexting someone.

[Drew]

No, I just don't like it. It's so gross. But, yeah, I could go on for days.

[Orion]

Anya goes on for days and days and days.

[Drew]

Have a lot of opinions about, like, straight men.

[Orion]

I'm like, oh, you should, like, you shouldn't love yourself. That's what she.

[Drew]

No, like, you should be confident, but don't take up, like, when a man stops someone, the other. No, I won't.

[Orion]

I will say it is really cringy. Oh, my God, here I go. Like, I'm so hypocritical. It is just like something else.

[Drew]

No, there's something a little funky about a man who's like, posting a lot of pictures of himself. I'm like, a man's ig. A straight man's IG shouldn't just be pictures of himself. I'm like, something's going on here.

[Orion]

Like, well, as a straight man, my IG's all pictures of myself. What did you just call as a straight man?

[Drew]

So now we're just saying things. Okay. As a politician. Yeah, I just like you. You didn't see something on your walk you want to post?

[Orion]

Like, do you see the magnolia tree? That you could take a picture of the magnolia tree and say, it smells like pussy. He smells like pussy out here. And it's the magnolia tree. Y' all know what I'm talking about. The pussy willow, the stinky tree.

[Drew]

No, they smell like a sneeze.

[Orion]

They smell like Cummings.

[Drew]

They smell like cummin sneezes.

[Orion]

Tomatoes taste like hum.

[Drew]

No, you can't keep saying that because every day my, like, my go to like, meal right now. Anywhere I go, like, no matter where I am, I get or I make it myself. A soft scrambled eggs, avocado and slices of tomatoes. Like, it's like all I will eat right now. And Drew said that the other day and I literally was eating my breakfast and I wanted to throw up because I like, I chewed on the tomato for too long. I was like, really getting into it.

[Orion]

I'm like, it's like. It's like when you. When if you're eating like red meat, you can.

[Drew]

We always talk about cocking balls and pussy on here. We always make it a point.

[Orion]

Start tasting the farm when you're eating like, red meat. And also, yeah, just like, they. No, it's just a big part of our life. Cock, balls and pussy.

[Drew]

No, we are just like, weird.

[Orion]

I can't say I literally. The word, the P word makes me uncomfortable.

[Drew]

Yeah, okay, man with a straight Instagram.

[Orion]

I'm straight as hell. This is my girlfriend. I can't. This is my girlfriend.

[Drew]

Yeah, this is my. Yeah, no, this is my boyfriend. That's like, chill. Yeah, I am straight. And don't get it twisted.

[Orion]

Yeah, actually, okay, it got in my eye.

[Drew]

But yeah, we always bring it to and ball somehow. But I think that's it for the episode. Maybe we don't have to talk about cock and balls anymore. We can just shut up.

[Orion]

I literally have Red Bull in my eye. I'm curious to see if maybe one day if I'm ready enough and all that trauma from those terrible trips is gone. If I can just, like, eat a meal and then smoke and see if it's all good.

[Drew]

Yeah, that's actually another thing I always eat before. Like, I'll be with someone who, like, enjoys smoking weed, and they'll be like, oh, my God, I'm gonna smoke. And then we should order food. And I'm like, no, I'm getting food in me. And then I can, like, maybe join.

[Orion]

But, like, maybe I'll have a midnight snack. Munchies. Munchies. If you can't tell, I feel fucking batshit crazy today. I don't feel normal. My most recent bad weed experience was when I was back in Texas.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah.

[Orion]

And I was, like, laying on the couch watching tv. And I just had the gnarliest thoughts about, like. Like, we were watching Netflix, and I was watching these shows on Netflix and I was like. I was like, no, this is like garbage tv. Like, we're watching garbage tv. And then we watched. I was like, we. I was like, we have to turn this off. We have to turn this episode off. Like, or we have to turn the show off because it's literally like, it was made by aliens to like, keep us, like, down. Like. Or some, like, crazy, like, freaked out, like, like, thought process. So we switched it and we put on this, like, magic show. And it was like this dude, which.

[Drew]

Is, like, the worst thing to switch it to.

[Orion]

But it was like. It was so confusing because it was like this dude doing magic. But I couldn't tell if it was, like, a joke or if it was real or what. And I just kept saying that out loud. And I kept, like, audibly being like, no, no. Like, no, like, turn this off. And I just kept going into these thoughts about, like, how, like. Like, this is going to. I literally sound psycho. But I was like, dude, like, TV is made to, like, keep the population at bay. Like, like, just, like, the most.

[Drew]

That's literally what everybody thought in, like, the 80s.

[Orion]

Yeah, exactly. Like the most smoke thoughts you can ever have. And I was like, this is why I don't do. Like, this is why I don't smoke or take edibles, because I literally, like, cannot remember, like, the last good experience I had. And Even, like. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. But, like, literally, I could just go on, shut the fuck up, whatever. But I'm like, not anti weed because I know it does help a lot of people. But, like, for me personally, I'm like, it's. It was made by the devil, like, literally, and it's trying to kill me constantly.

[Drew]

You're like, it's trying to kill me when the only person who could put it in you is you.

[Orion]

Like, exactly. No, the weed, it controls people.

[Drew]

I think I was just thinking, oh, that reminded me of when I went to Texas for, like, that fun party we went to. What was that party? I went to Texas for.

[Orion]

My brother's funeral. That was the event of the year.

[Drew]

You could eat anything when you're famished and you might as well be eating at a Michelin star. Like, you could feed me the 7 11. Like, rotisserie talk, like, taquitos when I'm hungry, and I'll be like, this is.

[Orion]

The best food ever. But I will say, those are the best food probably ever made.

[Drew]

I never had the taquitos, but I used to up the chicken wings. But I was like a chicken wing monster.

[Orion]

We just had this conversation, like, two days ago. But, like, I can't do bone and meat at all. Like, boner meat. Ay, I can't. I can't do bone in meat. Because when you're. When you. When you're eating the.

[Drew]

You're sucking the bone.

[Orion]

Yeah, exactly. It's a little gay. Like, I can't do that. I can't suck bones. No, because, like, when you're eating bone in meat, one, it's on the bone, which I shouldn't see bones ever in my life. That's so sinister. And two, the tendons. The tendons and the fat, when you bite into that shit, it is like eating rubber bands.

[Drew]

It's like the best taste ever. That's why I love, like, squid and octopus and like, oxtail and, like, pig's feet. Because it's all, like, fatty, like, like, tendons. And it's like. It's the most, like.

[Orion]

It literally is like a cultural thing, I think, actually, though.

[Drew]

But no, I literally, like, that is what makes me, like, in the most, like. Let me clarify.

[Orion]

This is the most Joe Rogan shit you'll ever say.

[Drew]

I am not vegetarian because I'm like, yes, like, save the planet. Like, of course I'm like, yes, I do my part, but I am in any. Any, like, health thing. I'M in. It's for vanity. And like, that's it. Never get it twisted. Like, I don't have a hydro flask because I'm like, don't waste plastic. I have a hydro flask because if I don't have a hydro flask, I won't drink water and then I won't be pretty. Like, I, like, of course, like, God bless that I'm like helping the world while I try to be pretty in like, little ways.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

But it, it is never. Like, I'm not skipping out on straws. Like, I will take a straw because I don't want my teeth to be yellow.

[Orion]

Also, straws aren't the things that are killing the turtles. The things that are killing the turtles are fucking nuts.

[Drew]

And a lot of people would be like, oh my God.

[Orion]

Did you switch from being cancel overfishing.

[Drew]

Because you saw that? No, I'm sorry. Like, that is not my duty.

[Orion]

Like, that's not my job. It's a corporation's job. We need to. It's the scientist's job to figure out how to get us. Would you eat lab grown meat?

[Drew]

Yeah, because that's what like plant based meat is.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

That's basically like lab grown.

[Orion]

Would you? No.

[Drew]

Would I take lab grown meat in my hole?

[Orion]

No, I didn't. Wait. It was basically what I was gonna say. I was gonna say. I. I can't say because it's so gnarly. It's really, it's really naughty. Should I just say it?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Orion]

Would you lab completely? I mean, that's a test tube, baby.

[Drew]

No pause. Because lab grown would hit like crazy alien.

[Orion]

Like alien. Alien versus predator, I guess.

[Drew]

Actually lab grown dick would literally, they could make it do the twirls at.

[Orion]

The little thingamabox and it could suck. Like, it could. We could add a little attachment.

[Drew]

You could shape it like the rabbit toys and give it like an extra mouse to be like, I won't go. Yeah.

[Orion]

You can tell a lot about a person if they put the cart back. Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Orion]

That like, that's like, really says all you need to know. There's another one of those where it's like, okay, like, if you put your cart back, you're like a fairly, like, moral person. You care about the well being of others, but if you like leave it in the middle of the thing, you literally don't give a and all. You're a narcissist and you care about yourself and no one else.

[Drew]

And you're in a rush. But.

[Orion]

Yeah, but I mean, like, I'VE been in rush situations, and I always put, oh, no.

[Drew]

You're, like, the most moral grounded person ever. Keep going, though.

[Orion]

Like, thank you. Thank you. I feel like I am. So thank you. No, there's another one where it's like.

[Drew]

You'Re going to say something stupid. You were literally going to say something so fucking stupid. No, go. What were you gonna say?

[Orion]

Like, as a man, it's my duty to make the girl come four times. This is the type of person I am, you know?

[Drew]

Oh, you're so nice. You make girls squirt and stuff. You make sure your girl squirts. Yeah.

[Orion]

We should just talk about how we missed the first two weeks of lockdown. We should move on. But, like, Azula's eating my goddamn plant.

[Drew]

Oh, my gosh. She was.

[Orion]

Is she. Did she chomp on it big time. No. I'm gonna kill myself, actually. I'm gonna kill myself. Like, this is actually, like, the saddest day of my goddamn life. Oh, no. Is it bad?

[Drew]

Yes.

[Orion]

We're leaving the same.

[Drew]

It's not the worst. We'll just put it. We'll watch. Stop. It's not the worst. It's not the worst. We'll just keep it here for the rest of the episode. We'll watch her.

[Orion]

I'm gonna vomit.

[Drew]

Stop.

[Orion]

I'm actually gonna vomit.

[Drew]

Stop, Drew. Well, Azul's also gonna vomit, so that's the good news.

[Orion]

Dude. Oh, my God. He ate no Inya. This is all him. I didn't even realize that's all him. He was eating the out of that like a snail. He's getting spankings. I'm not kidding. I'm gonna spank the out of him.

[Drew]

I'm so sorry. How much was this? Way too much. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna get a spray to, like, spray around that area of the couch.

[Orion]

So that it's all good. It shouldn't have been there anymore anyways. Like, I knew he was gonna be with that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway. Now through June 24th, score hot summer savings and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags on Items like Pepsi 2 liter bottles, poppy prebiotic sodas, all laundry detergent, and Kinder's seasoning blend. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go, pickup or delivery subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more detail.