Best of emergency intercom episodes 1-10

Summary

Podcast Summary: Emergency Intercom – Best of Episodes 1-10

Release Date: March 21, 2025

Hosts: Enya Umanzor & Drew Phillips
Description: Emergency Intercom is a comedy podcast where Enya and Drew engage in humorous banter, personal anecdotes, and satirical takes on everyday situations. In this best-of compilation from episodes 1-10, listeners are treated to a collection of their funniest and most memorable moments.

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1. Opening Banter and Satirical Ads

The episode kicks off with Drew sarcastically dismissing typical New Year’s resolutions, opting instead for “More you on Bumble” and playful jabs at online dating behaviors. This segment sets the comedic tone, blending relatable topics with sharp humor.

Notable Quote:

• Drew [00:01]: "We're so done with New Year. New you this year it's More you on Bumble."

Following this, Enya and Drew parody infomercials for household products, showcasing their knack for turning everyday scenarios into comedic gold.

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2. Feeling Invincible and Hypothetical Conversations

Transitioning from advertisements, the duo delves into a humorous discussion about feeling invincible. Enya makes light-hearted comments about surviving medical emergencies, leading to exaggerated hypotheticals about death and immortality.

Notable Quotes:

• Enya [01:21]: "Say something up does happen, and I do end up getting a blood clot. I'm living one because I'm never gonna die."
• Drew [02:02]: "I'm not being killed by accident."

They explore the absurdity of believing no one will harm them, intertwining personal anecdotes with exaggerated claims of invincibility.

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3. Relationship Dynamics and Marital Hypotheses

Enya and Drew navigate the complexities of their relationship through comedic debates about marriage and celebrity crushes. Drew expresses his skepticism about matrimony, even with high-profile figures like Harry Styles or Timothée Chalamet, while Enya counters with bold and humorous assertions about her own desires.

Notable Quotes:

• Drew [03:12]: "I don't believe in marriage because it's fucking insane."
• Enya [05:14]: "I'd have sex with both of them."

Their playful arguments highlight the humor in differing perspectives on love and commitment.

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4. Medical Rants and Financial Frustrations

A standout segment features Enya venting about exorbitant medical bills and the frustrations of the healthcare system. Her animated recounting of a gynecologist visit underscores the absurdities of medical expenses and insurance woes.

Notable Quote:

• Enya [11:41]: "Because I die. I'm not giving you any more money."

Drew joins in, discussing the burdens of poor credit scores and the challenges of securing housing without financial stability, adding depth to their comedic storytelling.

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5. Personal Habits and Hygiene Humor

The hosts humorously dissect their own hygiene routines, particularly focusing on handwashing habits. Enya admits to “fake washing” her hands, while Drew criticizes unsanitary practices among men, leading to a lively exchange filled with exaggerated claims and punchlines.

Notable Quotes:

• Enya [33:07]: "I make it sound like I'm washing my hands."
• Drew [33:35]: "Men do not wash our hands. And it is so nasty."

Their candid and exaggerated discussions provide laughs while touching on relatable personal habits.

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6. Travel Tales and Shared Experiences

Enya and Drew recount humorous and sometimes awkward travel experiences. From failed attempts to enjoy nature in Big Sur to unexpected encounters in Miami, their stories are filled with comedic missteps and exaggerated frustrations.

Notable Quotes:

• Enya [18:58]: "I would wholeheartedly accept that fully. Like, if someone was like, go to the moon."
• Drew [20:24]: "You're Wendy Williams. Oh, damn."

These anecdotes showcase their chemistry and ability to find humor in unexpected situations.

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7. Technology, Social Media, and Modern Life

The conversation shifts to dissecting modern technology and social media habits. Enya and Drew mockingly critique the oversaturation of self-promotion and the pressures of maintaining a perfect online persona, blending satire with personal insights.

Notable Quotes:

• Enya [56:02]: "You're a straight man."
• Drew [55:21]: "Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone."

Their critiques highlight the absurdities of digital life, all wrapped in their signature humor.

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8. Random Humorous Interactions and Observations

Throughout the episode, Enya and Drew engage in a series of spontaneous and humorous interactions. From playful insults to exaggerated reactions to mundane events, their dynamic keeps the conversation lively and entertaining.

Notable Quotes:

• Enya [40:44]: "I want to kill myself. Like, this is actually like the saddest day of my goddamn life."
• Drew [50:31]: "We mean no harm by it. Like we love you."

Their ability to turn everyday moments into comedic exchanges is a highlight of the episode.

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9. Animal Antics and Household Chaos

A funny segment involves their pet, Azul, causing chaos by eating plants and other household mishaps. Enya’s exaggerated responses and Drew’s attempts to manage the situation add a layer of humor about pet ownership and the unpredictability it brings.

Notable Quote:

• Enya [66:30]: "I'm gonna kill myself actually. I'm gonna kill myself."
• Drew [67:06]: "I'm so sorry. How much was this? Way too much."

Their playful exasperation with Azul’s antics provides lighthearted laughs.

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10. Closing Remarks and Final Laughs

As the episode wraps up, Enya and Drew continue their humorous banter, reflecting on the day’s discussions and interactions. Their final exchanges maintain the comedic energy, leaving listeners with a sense of camaraderie and shared laughter.

Notable Quotes:

• Enya [65:56]: "Would you eat lab grown meat in your hole?"
• Drew [67:19]: "I'm sorry."

Their ability to sustain humor till the end underscores the entertaining nature of their podcast.

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Conclusion

Emergency Intercom – Best of Episodes 1-10 encapsulates Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips' unique comedic style, blending personal anecdotes, exaggerated rants, and sharp satire. From medical bill rants to playful critiques of modern life, their chemistry and humor shine through, making this compilation a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Drew [00:01]: "We're so done with New Year. New you this year it's More you on Bumble."
• Enya [01:21]: "Say something up does happen, and I do end up getting a blood clot. I'm living one because I'm never gonna die."
• Drew [03:12]: "I don't believe in marriage because it's fucking insane."
• Enya [05:14]: "I'd have sex with both of them."
• Enya [33:07]: "I make it sound like I'm washing my hands."
• Drew [55:21]: "Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone."
• Enya [66:30]: "I'm gonna kill myself actually. I'm gonna kill myself."

Transcript

[Drew]

We're so done with new Year. New you this year it's More youe on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Geminis because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you, someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumblebee.

[Enya]

Meghan Trainor, laundry retrainer.

[Drew]

Meghan Trainor. You're tossing out my gunky laundry detergent bottle. Ooey.

[Enya]

It's got that booty, that juicy boom boom that gonna bite alive.

[Drew]

Arm and hammer power sheets. Toss like this.

[Enya]

Cause I toss like this. I wash like this.

[Drew]

It's a no mess.

[Enya]

Laundry bliss. Arm and hammer power sheets.

[Drew]

More power to you.

[Enya]

Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void? Well, with LinkedIn ads, you can know.

[Drew]

You'Re reaching the right decision makers. You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company seniority, skills.

[Enya]

Wait, did I say job title yet? Get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads.

[Drew]

We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign.

[Enya]

Get started at LinkedIn.com results. Terms and conditions apply down the line. Say something up does happen, and I do end up getting a blood clot. I'm living one because I'm never gonna die. Like, I'm the luckiest person alive. I'll never die in two years and I'm dead. They're gonna clip that and be like, you're a fucking liar.

[Drew]

We, like, genuinely not that we feel invincible. No one's gonna kill me.

[Enya]

Exactly.

[Drew]

I'm not being killed by accident.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And that's that. On that, I'm not gonna go into depth, but it's just, like, I think.

[Enya]

We can infer what you mean. Okay.

[Drew]

But, like, not in, like, a scary way. Cause I don't want to scare anyone or trigger anyone or make anyone feel uncomfortable. But, like, I remember this is a conversation I had with a friend when we first met, and we had a debate about this where I was like, no fucking murderer is going to murder me, bitch. I see you coming, and I feel like I have no other option. I'm doing the job because I'm not giving you the satisfaction of.

[Enya]

You're not getting off on killing me. Yeah.

[Drew]

No one is getting off on killing me. Not even the universe. So if I got to do what I got to do, I'm going to do what I got to do.

[Enya]

I'm going to recycle my body back to Earth. But what I was saying is, like, I'm not going to die from the vaccine. And if for Some reason in 30 years, my blood starts clotting, I'm going to survive, and I'm going to sue and I'm going to get my bag, and I'm going to distribute my wealth.

[Drew]

You slay the most insane hypothetical ever. Like, okay, girl.

[Enya]

No, the way. The way I take hypotheticals.

[Drew]

So serious.

[Enya]

So serious. Like. Like, sometimes, like, we're close to ending our relationship over a fucking hypothetical.

[Drew]

And it's literally because of me being like, I don't believe in aliens, and Drew will literally throw a fit. Like, I will never see this man as angry as me disagreeing with a hypothetical. And he gets so mad. Cause I just. I can't get into it. I'm like, I am grounded in reality.

[Enya]

It's because you're disagreeing with everything. At my core, it's like. It's like you literally just disagree with me as a person.

[Drew]

Can I tell you about one time me and Orion were out for drinks, and. And it was with Josh, too, and it's the hypothetical of marrying Harry Styles or Timothee Chalamet on the spot. Came up, and I said, I wouldn't do that. I was like, I don't know them. I was like, not only at my core. At my core, I don't believe in marriage because it's fucking insane. I'm not marrying anyone, not even the love of my life at any point in my life. So why would I marry this man?

[Enya]

Literally got married, huh?

[Drew]

You wish we got married. You tried it. See, like I said, not even my platonic soulmate can bag me. No one is getting me to sign those stupid fucking papers. And then she got really, really mad. She got so upset at me.

[Enya]

I'm about to get upset at you right now.

[Drew]

Like, okay, first of all, I don't think. And this is a big take, I don't think sexually we would have good chemistry. Me and Harry or me and Timothee Chalamet. Could you imagine us kissing?

[Enya]

No, I literally cannot even imagine.

[Drew]

Like, those are just two men that, like, I don't think biologically we could get it going anyways. So I'm not wearing that. Like, I'm doing that to myself.

[Enya]

I'm fucking Harry Styles.

[Drew]

They're too. They are so disconnected from reality in my head. I cannot comprehend that they are living beings, let alone having to have Some sort of, like, relationship with them. Like that, like maybe Timothy on like a friendly level, but even that, like, I crack up at his existence. Not because I find him like, corny or anything, but people at that level literally make me laugh. It's like Kylie Jenner. Like, if I saw Kylie Jenner girl.

[Enya]

If I just saw her, came up.

[Drew]

To me and just started talking to me, I would cry. Crack the fun.

[Enya]

I'm like, you're. You're not real.

[Drew]

Like, there is no comprehending someone. And also because I just think about, like, sometimes when our followers meet us and they're like, I can't believe, like, I'm looking at you right now like that with Timothy Chalamet, with Harry Styles. I have, like, put it that man.

[Enya]

Is a like, God in your brain.

[Drew]

No, he is a fucking 3D render. Like, not a real human. Like, I fascinated about his existence, his peak, since I was literally. Yeah. His fucking cock since I was like 14. So therefore his cock does not exist. Actually, I literally can't look at anyone and see their genitals. Like my biggest.

[Enya]

Where are you going now?

[Drew]

I'm just ranting. But like, no, you know how, like.

[Enya]

Some people look at someone?

[Drew]

No, listen, you know, some people look at someone and they, like, can sexualize someone. I cannot sexualize anyone for the life of me. Like, I genuinely. I have to. Whoa.

[Enya]

I can.

[Drew]

I have to get to know someone first. And then I'm like, oh, maybe, maybe. But I don't. I don't find people sexy. Like, I'm not like, I find women sexy, but like, men, I'm like, can you fucking get the fuck out of my face?

[Enya]

But that's damn okay.

[Drew]

I just have to get a man to know a man first. Because men, like, off rip, are so gross. They're so gross.

[Enya]

I wholeheartedly agree with you.

[Drew]

Yeah. And then when you get to know them, it's like, okay, stinky, I kinda like you.

[Enya]

Okay, Stinky. Okay. Onion powder. You know what? Onion powder. I kind of like you.

[Drew]

But yeah, that's my rant about not being able to imagine myself marrying Timothee Chalamet or Harry Styles.

[Enya]

I'd have sex with both of them. I mean, we could talk about how I know for 1000% fact that I can cross the big red balls in wipeout without a doubt. If they put them in front of me right now, I would literally go so beast mode.

[Drew]

Did you just say you couldn't carry a gallon of milk? And you think you're crossing those balls?

[Enya]

I'm crossing Those balls with zero effort. Like, I'm just running like a robot across. Like, literally. That's all you have to do is just run across. Like, these bitches have the wrong strategy when they dive onto it. Like you. Yeah, of course you're gonna fucking fly off, bounce off. You're coming on fancy, simple physics. It's literally like, I have it all worked out in my brain, like, physics.

[Drew]

Well, then apply to be on fucking wipeout. I don't think it's the hardest thing in the world.

[Enya]

No. I'm literally gonna rent them for myself just to prove it to myself.

[Drew]

I would love that, because I would love to try.

[Enya]

I'm. That's my next video, literally.

[Drew]

Where are you gonna rent that? You're acting like it's that fucking. That sky zone. You have to, like, I'll figure it out.

[Enya]

I'll figure it out. I figured everything out.

[Drew]

No, you don't.

[Enya]

I have nothing to do, literally.

[Drew]

Yesterday, Drew was like, I want to see a building get demolished.

[Enya]

I'm go.

[Drew]

Go do that. I was like, sometimes when Drew's in my passenger seat talking in the car, I genuinely feel like there's an automated, like, AI machine trying to make something to relate to me, and then it's just missing because I'm like, what are you talking about?

[Enya]

No. Okay. I just want to see a building fall. It's poetic almost. It's like the destruction of humanity post capitalism. Like, buildings falling. It's beautiful. And I have literally every TikTok the.

[Drew]

Post capitalist ramifications of the deep hop Ification.

[Enya]

Yeah, Literally. But I just think seeing a building fall would hit a spot in me that needs to be hit.

[Drew]

Yeah, I get that. Because I was.

[Enya]

It would be beautiful. Like, literally.

[Drew]

That was like when we lived in 1304, and we, like, all had, like, a.

[Enya]

That weird fantasy.

[Drew]

Healthy. So basically.

[Enya]

No, don't even talk about it. Don't. It's bad. It's bad. Like, that's something that stays.

[Drew]

We wanted to see buildings get, like, basically blown up, but, like, again, no one inside. We just, like. It's just, like, wanting to see that kind of thing.

[Enya]

It's just like, I want just destruction and chaos. Like, literally, for the longest time, I just wanted chaos, and then I got chaos, and I was like, take it back, please.

[Drew]

I can't do this. You heard about my chaos, and you were like, wait, why does that sound fun?

[Enya]

Why does that sound lit?

[Drew]

That sounds lit. Fucking stupid.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Okay. Last bill I'll expose is I went to, like, the gynecologist like six. No, dude, it's almost a year ago now. I went to the gynecologist because I was like, I need to just go get my coochie checked on because something funky is happening down there.

[Enya]

This discharge looks a little funky.

[Drew]

Funky Town is getting a little too funky.

[Enya]

And honestly, like, her discharge did taste weird. Like.

[Drew]

Funky Town was violating some of the clauses in their bill. But yeah, it was itchy. Itchy stink, stink. That's the scary part. It didn't smell different. That was what was scaring me, actually. But basically, I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection at the same damn time.

[Enya]

Hey.

[Drew]

Which is pretty common.

[Enya]

But we made sourdough bread in that oven.

[Drew]

With you. But basically when I went, they were.

[Enya]

Like, oh, that was a bar.

[Drew]

They were like, you have to get tests to know if you have bacterial vaginosis. And they were like, well, we have to test this swab and that the lab tests are going to run you, like $500, because I also don't have health insurance. And then I was like, okay. And they were like, oh, but you could just pay 250 now and we'll send you the 250 bill later if that makes you more comfortable. Well, like when? After we get the test results back, we'll give you the rest. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna do that. Because, like, one, I don't want to spend $500 right now. And then two, how the fuck do I know y'all are actually gonna give me those results? So I was like, okay. And I spent the 250. And I was like, okay, yeah, I even have the voice memos that I sent to you. And I was like, I just spent $500 for my pussy to be fucking swabbed. But, like, the fact that that's a voice rebel on my phone, I need to find it. Basically, not too long later, I get a pretty little bill in the mail. And I'm like, oh, this is the 250 I owe. I opened it and it's $1600. And it doesn't. They gave me an itemized bill. It doesn't have any late fees on there or anything. That's. See, that's why you bitches should have kept your fucking mouth shut. Letting everyone. Letting everyone know that we need. I. Like, I wish there was a way for everyone to know that you needed to get an itemized bill without the people themselves knowing. Like, the people who will give you itemized bill because now they know that they're like, bitch, don't ask any questions. We're going to send you the item I asked for. Yeah, but basically I haven't paid that back. And I'd literally rather my fucking pussy shrivel up and fall off my body than to go back, like, because I die. I'm not giving you any more money.

[Enya]

We're literally just airing out like us like breaking the law, like literally criminals and fugitives. Because I have a medical bill that I have insurance. Like, I have insurance. And for some reason they keep trying to get me to pay $260 and I'm like evading that bill. Like, fudge, y'all. I'm not paying that, like, come from my credit. I don't even have a credit score because I will never, ever, ever, ever get a credit score. I swear to God.

[Drew]

You say that. And so we need to fucking get our own apartments. And how the fuck are you going to move in?

[Enya]

You're going to co sign for me.

[Drew]

I will. I do that for all my friends.

[Enya]

Thank you. I. I was thinking about that last night. I was like, now how the am I gonna get a car in an apartment? I was like, I'll just have someone co sign.

[Drew]

I literally would co sign. I co sign for all my days. I'll take the L because I don't, because I don't believe in that anyway. I'm like a credit score. I don't know what the you're talking about.

[Enya]

Like, no, I like, you can see.

[Drew]

My credit score, but I don't know if you want to believe that kind of stuff. Like they say all sorts of lies these days.

[Enya]

No, no, no.

[Drew]

But yeah, we need to pay that.

[Enya]

Bill because, like bad. No, because you're not going to. We're not going to be able to get our own places.

[Drew]

Yeah, I know my credit score is not budget. I'm just going to have to be like, please look like, believe in me.

[Enya]

Put some faith in me.

[Drew]

Have a little trust in me.

[Enya]

We should wait until the stock market crashes, the housing market crashes because it's just been put afloat. They've been prolonging 2008 for so long. And then we should just buy houses because they'll be like literally pennies on the dollar. Like I will buy a 3.1 million dollar home for $1 million and I will get rich in four years off that house, baby. That's my.

[Drew]

I don't know anything about that. Anyway, let's get back to the topic of this fucking podcast.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

The day I wore that, like Elmer Fudd orange hat. I was out for ice cream with Mason and Dante, and I, like, took it off to talk about how greasy my hair was. It was literally, like, laid flat.

[Enya]

Like, I put gel in it to your head. The cap stuff stuck to your head.

[Drew]

And that's okay because you have to train your hair to be oily.

[Enya]

And also, it's healthy. And also when you get, like. When you get three weeks deep and, like, you, like, ring out the oil, it's, like, actually free cooking oil.

[Drew]

I've decided I'm gonna start slapping people. Like, imagine when you said that.

[Enya]

I just went, like, start doing it. Like, I literally give you permission to just, like, I. Okay. You know those videos of. Oh, my God, I thought it. You know those videos of, like, people getting, like, massive amounts of, like, disgusting, rotting food poured all over them when they're asleep, or, like, gallon buckets of water poured on them or, like, mustard bottles squirted on them? I gave everyone in my life permission to do that to me just when I'm least expecting it. And, like, the other night, I fell asleep when everyone was still awake. And, like, I heard Kai mention, he was like, we should, like, mustard. We should do it to Drew. And I, like. I, like, actually, like, got so fucking angry inside. I was like, I swear to God, if they try to do that shit to me right now, I will freak the fuck out.

[Drew]

I know every time you keep saying, like, y'all have permission to do that to me. We literally, like, you can't make noise around you when he's asleep. He will fall asleep in the middle of all the fun and then be like, wake up and be like. Like, you do this thing where you, like, toss around really angrily instead of saying like.

[Enya]

Like, everyone will just be in the living room, like, chatting it up. And then I'm like, I just doze off. I fall asleep. And then I get actually angry when people wake me up, when I'm the one that's sleeping in the wrong spot. Like, it's actually, like, so wrong. Like, I'll. I'll storm out of the room. But it's just like, I'm not actually angry. It's just, like, I'm fucking tired and I'm, like, woken up.

[Drew]

No, I feel that when we went to that waterfall thing, I, like, I was falling asleep and I was having one of those nights where, like, for some reason, I think usually I'm pretty good at that. Like, if I fall asleep around people, I'd, like, usually don't make a fuss or say Anything about it, because I can literally sleep through anything. But in on this. Like, in Big Sur, I was falling asleep, and they were. We all fell asleep watching something on the tv. I was like, turn it off. Turn it off. Like. And Josh was being really nice because we had to share. Ready? He was like, do you. Like, is it the light or is it the noise? I was like, is it both? Turn it off. And I was like, turn it off.

[Enya]

And, like, turn it off.

[Drew]

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. No. And then Christian was on the other side of the room eating chips.

[Enya]

Oh, God.

[Drew]

And I was trying.

[Enya]

So I know those chips stink.

[Drew]

Like, no, actually, before. Before the chips, him and Lucas were whispering to each other, and all I hear was like, ew. And I. Out loud. I was like, all I fucking hear right now is stop. Like, And I said that. And then they, like, just kind of laughed, but then stopped. And then I could hear Christian eating his chips and trying so hard to be quiet because it would be like. Like. And then he would just be, like, like, of the bag.

[Enya]

The worst type of angry is when you're, like, actually angry and then, like, the people you're angry at just laughing.

[Drew]

Literally meeting you in Miami.

[Enya]

I was going to. I was going to mention Miami. Like, dude, that shit was actually diabolical. That was rude.

[Drew]

I was drunk.

[Enya]

It's okay. It's. It's, like.

[Drew]

It's okay. I was drunk.

[Enya]

It's chill now. But, like, literally, I was so mad, I snapped. It was, like, my breaking point. Like, I snapped. Like, I was asleep peacefully in the room. India and Orion had, like, gone out. And I was like, I don't want to, like, go out to a club tonight. I'm, like, good. Just, like, hanging out and, like, going to sleep early, whatever. And, like, Inyan, Orion stumble in, like, three hours later. I was, like, dead asleep. And they are just, like, literally the loudest I've ever heard them be in my entire life. They were like. Let's just. It felt like they were like, let's be as loud as possible to piss off Drew in particular.

[Drew]

What's fucked up is I don't remember thinking for a second about the fact that you were sleeping in there. Like, I was just on one, and.

[Enya]

And I, like, I tried my hardest. I really did. I, like, covered my head with my pillow. I did my thrash.

[Drew]

I did my.

[Enya]

I thrashed a couple times, like, as a warning sign. It's like, literally, me, like, warning y'all. It's like. Like, I'm about to snap. If y'all don't shut the fuck up. And then I just snap. I don't even remember what I said.

[Drew]

You were like, this is literally the meanest thing anyone's ever done to me. Like, me. And I just laughed. It was so mean.

[Enya]

And I was like, wow. I've, like, actually was, like, really angry. Like, it was, like, in my heart angry. Like, seeing red.

[Drew]

If everyone on the planet Earth decided, like, anya's the one going to the moon. No, bitch, I'm killing myself. I don't want to fucking go to the moon. There's no one there. There's nothing there.

[Enya]

I would wholeheartedly, I would accept that fully. Like, if someone was like, go to the moon. I'd be like, yeah, I'm going to the fucking moon with a guarantee I wouldn't explode in space. Like, I would fully go, no, I don't want that.

[Drew]

I want, like, attention for being, like, hot and funny and, like, creative.

[Enya]

You'd be the hot, funny, creative first.

[Drew]

No, I'd be the fucking nerd on the moon.

[Enya]

No, you'd be the first hot, funny, creative girl on the moon.

[Drew]

If I could. Okay, if I could go to the moon with my tits out, I would go to the moon.

[Enya]

But you can. In this hypothetical, you can.

[Drew]

Okay, then, yeah, I'm going to the moon.

[Enya]

Yeah. Me convincing you to go to the moon. Like, you can have your tits out if you want.

[Drew]

You literally can't. Like, I guess if they built a suit with, like, a shell around my.

[Enya]

Well, they will free the nipple in our lifetime. Like, the nipple will be free. I believe that.

[Drew]

You shut your fucking mouth. Like, just think before you speak. But basically, I don't believe in moon travel. Drew has also, I guess, commercialized. I don't fuck with billionaires going to the moon. We need to kill these. They are said, literally.

[Enya]

You're Wendy Williams. Oh, damn.

[Drew]

To all of them.

[Enya]

Death. Death to the billionaires. Literally, though.

[Drew]

Wait, did you actually say that?

[Enya]

No, she didn't say to the billionaires.

[Drew]

You, like, really gave a show of me.

[Enya]

I was like, no, I agree, though. Like, kind of. I don't think, like, we should kill them, but we should.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Figure something out where they, like, suffer.

[Drew]

No. Killing people. I don't know. But, like, girl, we need to lock you up in a cage. Like, we need to put you in a corner.

[Enya]

It is so unethical to have that amount of money.

[Drew]

That much money makes no sense.

[Enya]

Like, what are you doing with it? And I understand the whole argument. Like, well, Jeffrey Bezos doesn't actually have that money. It's all tied up in stocks. Well, like, fuck off. Like, I don't care.

[Drew]

He shouldn't have the, like, capability of, like, pulling that money out. Yeah, that even makes sense.

[Enya]

But, like, literally, it's kind of crazy because if he did, he would destroy the world. Like, if he was just, like, one day, like, I want to liquidate Amazon and sell all my stocks, like, it would actually destroy the world for a little bit because, like, we are so Amazon ified after the pandemic.

[Drew]

Like, I know if I would have said, like, go get my cat food, that would destroy me.

[Enya]

Yeah, I had to, like, leave the house. The house. But, yeah, billionaires going to space is stupid. And I would have loved to watch one of the rockets blow up.

[Drew]

That would be fudgeing. Awesome. But then what would happen? Who would take over his.

[Enya]

Some Jeffrey Bezos stepped down, like, a month ago or some shit like that. Like, he stepped down from, like, I don't know. I don't care at all, truly. But he stepped down as a position, and I had a theory. I was like, the rocket's going to blow up, but he's not actually going to be in the rocket and he's going to fake his death and, like, live his life out on some, like, not.

[Drew]

You talking about the fucking Shane Dossification of conspiracy theories and then sitting here talking about Jeff Bezos faking his death.

[Enya]

He would, though. Like, if I was there, I would, like. And then I.

[Drew]

It's not like you would. You don't know this, man.

[Enya]

Yeah, I do. Like, we hang out. Hey, guys. We wanted to take a quick break to thank today's sponsor, Shopify. Y'all, you need to start your business and use Shopify because life before Shopify was a life not worth living. No one does selling better than Shopify. I said it once, I'll say it again, I'll say it a third time. I'll say it a million more times. Shopify legitimately saved my life. I'm so, like, lost. And I didn't know what to do in Texas. And then I started my business with Shopify and they got me out. This podcast wouldn't exist without Shopify. They saved me. Shopify is the number one checkout on the planet. And the not so secret secret with shop pay that boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less abandoned carts and way more sales going.

[Drew]

Cha Ching.

[Enya]

Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Alo Yoga uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.comintercom all lowercase go to shopify.comintercom to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.comintercom Cha Ching. Cha Ching. Oh, we're taking another break to thank one of our sponsors, Liquid Ivy. Yay. Y'all, we all already know that most of my pleasures are guilty. I'll sit down and watch a two hour documentary on the most devastating tornado you've ever seen. But I literally don't care because I take care of myself. I take care of my body. I take care of my soul. I take care of my mind. Love looks different for everyone, especially when it comes to the ways you treat and celebrate yourself. Gift yourself the everyday indulgence of extraordinary hydration from Liquid iv. Okay, I don't know if I told y'all this, but I have been begging Liquid IV to sponsor us forever because it legitimately is a part of my daily routine. And without Liquid iv, I feel lost. And I feel like a raisin. Like a shriveled up raisin. Like my skin is gonna fall off of my body without it. Like, I don't play sports. I really don't do anything with my life. I barely drink enough water. And that's why Liquid IV is perfect for me. Obviously the best flavor. Actually, you know what? I've been into acai berry recently. But like lemon lime is a classic. Whatever, you literally can't go wrong. Also, all the sugar free flavors hit like crazy. Raspberry, lemonade, white, peach. Get it? But anyways, break the mold and own your ritual. Just one stick with 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone. Treat yourself to extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV. When you go to Liquid IV.com and use code emergency at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with code emergency at Liquid I'vecom. I was on full blown demon mode. Like I was evil.

[Drew]

Yeah, we talked about this before, about how we.

[Enya]

It was a purge. Like the reason why I was like in purgatory mentally for the past three, four days was because I been like hungover. And this is why I don't drink often and I can't drink often is because like my hangovers last forever. Like they've actually with my brain chemistry and like make me like a zombie of a person. I guess that's literally everybody. Like, I'm not special, but it lasts for days and days and days. But oh my God, I was, I was on one.

[Drew]

I literally didn't have a hangover because I'm a slave.

[Enya]

You are a slave.

[Drew]

I literally, after drinking, I will come home, shower, wash my face, go to bed, wake up, eat, slay.

[Enya]

When I come home after a night of drinking, I find rotten watermelons. I break them on the floor of the kitchen and put my feet in them and play in it. And that's not a joke. We'll add a picture and some video. And then I go to the most expensive house in LA and try to sneak in and almost get my ass beat by the security guards. And then I tell everybody pulling up to the party, like, don't go up there. They're having demon blood orgies. Like, it's really evil, sinister shit. Like, don't do it. And, yeah, it's just, like, really, really dark shit. Like, I don't know what goes on in my brain when I'm drunk, but I'm like. I'm a different person.

[Drew]

I. I think I just didn't get that drunk.

[Enya]

Like, we had free bottles of Azul. Like, I was, like, literally chugging that shit.

[Drew]

I know, dude. Ew. I, like. I don. Get, like, the idea of, like, people, like, pouring shots in someone's mouth and it being, like, a sexy thing, but literally, I am not sexy in that way. I'm like, don't fucking do that. I. I'm gonna get acid reflux. And I did. Yeah, I literally got acid reflux. I was, like, like, about to throw up, and I'm like, thank you.

[Enya]

Oh, my God. Like, literally. Like, no offense, but I was a super spreader that night. Like, I, like, was pouring that bottle into everyone's mouth. Luckily, you were first and, like, Denzel was second. But, like, I was pouring it into, like, everyone's mouth. Like, anybody who, like, oh, my God, I need to talk about this. But if you have, like, a bottle in the club, like, you actually get, like, harassed. Like, I was touched in ways I can't describe, and it was wrong. It was wrong in every sense of the word. What I wanted to say about the Olympics is, like. It actually is fucking hilarious to me how, like, we've literally been doing this since, like, the dawn of, like, human consciousness.

[Drew]

It's the most, like, human.

[Enya]

So primal. Like, we literally, like, since the Coliseum, we've just been, like. Like, flipping around, whipping around, like, running and, like, chanting for our country. Like, that shit's so funny. Like, really think about it. Like, we've been like. We're just so human, you know? Like, the Olympics is the most human.

[Drew]

So, like, primal. Like, animal. Like, animal instinct to be, like, Competition?

[Enya]

Yeah, jump. Like, I'm better than you, and I'm gonna prove that I'm better than you and I'm the best in the world.

[Drew]

Like.

[Enya]

And, like, then I watch it, and, like, my animal brain turns on, and I eat that shit up every fucking time. Like, no matter the event, I'm like, yes. Like, go. Like, win. Like, no matter. And it's also like, whoever wins, I'm like, you. You. I knew you were gonna win that shit.

[Drew]

That's your worst. I mean, you're like, oh, no. I knew it. I know. I knew it. I was. I was thinking about that already.

[Enya]

Like, I know that's a huge insec security of mine, and every time I say it, I'm like, why did I say that? But I literally do. I literally do think it, and then before I just don't say it. And then you say it or someone else says it. Literally. It's a pride thing. I think it. I think it stems down to, like, pride. And I'm like, I wish I said that. Or, like, a jealousy thing because everybody got a laugh from it. And I'm like, I wish I said that, because I did know that and I did say that.

[Drew]

You are intelligent and amazing, and you should just start speaking your mind.

[Enya]

I do know.

[Drew]

The problem is because you're a dumb little ass. Let's things like balls in my mouth come out instead of other things. Instead of saying, like, the intellectual thoughts you have, you're like, balls in my mouth.

[Enya]

Because it's way better. It's way better.

[Drew]

Like, balls in my mouth.

[Enya]

No one wants another smart person. Everybody wants a clown. That was deep. That was deep.

[Drew]

Literally, me, when I show up to.

[Enya]

The party, but I do when I.

[Drew]

Show up to a party that I'm invited to, I'm like, they didn't want another hot girl. They wanted a silly girl. Someone made a tik tok. That really struck a nerve with me. And they were like, I used to in life, be like, I'm not the. The hottest girl, but I'm the funniest girl. And then I get on this app, and I see the hottest, funniest people in the world. And I'm like, oh, so there's combo.

[Enya]

Choose one. Choose one.

[Drew]

There's literally combo meals out there running around, and here I am.

[Enya]

You can't be both funny and hot. It's not fair. It's not.

[Drew]

Yeah, I know.

[Enya]

I mean, honestly, look at us. Like, we're both funny.

[Drew]

Don't fucking touch me.

[Enya]

We're both funny and hot.

[Drew]

I Don't. I would consider myself, like, pretty. And, like, when I. When I put all my driving force into it, I could be hot.

[Enya]

Yeah, I agree. I know for me.

[Drew]

You agree?

[Enya]

Yeah. I think you're a hot person.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Enya]

And I want to bed you. And for me, everyone calling me hot has done absolutely nothing for me. I thought it would be good for me. I thought I'd be like, oh, finally. Like, I am attractive, but no, Like, I still think I'm the ugliest.

[Drew]

Well, now. Now it just sets an expectation. The best thing to ever happen to me was Josh's vlogs and seeing how fucking ugly I can look on camera. And I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, I don't have to be hot all the time. Like, I'm a person.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And I was like, that was a very humbling and, like, grounding experience. Because before that, all the content of me was, like, stuff I had filmed.

[Enya]

Perfect angles.

[Drew]

Yeah. Like, lighting. And then, like, there's specifically one clip of me in one of Josh's vlogs. I was like, I am just a person. Huh? I'm just a simple human. I was like, that's okay. Sometimes. I'm not Carly Jenner. I'm. I. Oh, I am for sure. No Carly Jenner. I'm silly.

[Enya]

Who's Carly Jenner?

[Drew]

I'm a silly Billy.

[Enya]

Who the fuck is Karlie Jenner?

[Drew]

Your mom, bitch.

[Enya]

There's no one named Karlie Jenner, and my mom's name is not Karlie Jenner. I'm really confused by this, and it's starting to irk me.

[Drew]

You're so fucking stupid.

[Enya]

Who the fuck is Karlie Jenner?

[Drew]

Shut up. I think we're fucking done.

[Enya]

No. Your credit score.

[Drew]

Oh, I had to update. My credit score is awesome. It's back to normal.

[Enya]

Yes.

[Drew]

And I just want to say that is further proof that that shit is not fucking real. And guess what? To get it back to normal, I didn't pay my goddamn gynecologist bill, and I'm not gonna pay it. That's a lie. I really need a pap smear.

[Enya]

Someone did leave. I'll do it. Someone did leave a comment when we.

[Drew]

Were leaving, and I was like, I think the house is gonna blow up. I was not kidding. And I was like. I was so sure. And I came and I jiggled all the knobs to make sure they were off. And I was like, I didn't take a picture of it. So, like, it's probably.

[Enya]

Do you think it was because we, like, deep cleaned And I was, like, touching all the knobs.

[Drew]

No, it's just sometimes, like, it, like, I get an itch in the back of my brain, and I'm convinced that, like, I left it on in the house is going to burn and, like, Azul's going to die.

[Enya]

You should maybe, like, get that looked at. That doesn't sound healthy.

[Drew]

No, my chlorophyll fixes it.

[Enya]

You shouldn't be living.

[Drew]

Like, I'm like, I take chlorophyll. Like, it's.

[Enya]

Shouldn't be living like that.

[Drew]

No, the door locking thing is a problem. Like, it literally. Everyone always makes fun of me that I can't leave the house on time, but it's because I have to. Like, on top of just.

[Enya]

You wash your hands 63 times. You open door three times, you come back and you're like, oh, I need to wash my hands, because I just locked the door. And then you're like, oh, I need to go pee. Because if I have to go pee when I'm out, like, I had to go in the public bathroom, and there's germs, but it's just, like, a problem.

[Drew]

But the public bathroom is good if you've eaten, because you have to wash your hands after you eat.

[Enya]

Not me. Not me. Not anybody else.

[Drew]

Not before or after. Never. Men don't wash their hands.

[Enya]

No, talk about that.

[Drew]

Men do not wash our hands. And it is so nasty. No, they're like, I didn't have to wipe. I'm like, bitch, you can grab your balls.

[Enya]

Literally, my penis. I'm sorry, this is gonna be really graphic. But my penis goes in mouths. Like. Like, I'm. I don't have to wash my hands after I touch my wiener. Like, I'm sorry.

[Drew]

You said mouths. Because it. Like, are you treating a mouth like a fucking dishwasher for your dick? Like, is that what you're lining to right now?

[Enya]

Just saying it's not dirty.

[Drew]

I would hope it's not dirty before it goes in something.

[Enya]

Mom. Don't watch this episode.

[Drew]

You whispering, mom, that is fucking gross. Men don't wash their balls. They don't wash their hands.

[Enya]

I wash my balls and I wash my hands. Occasionally, I wash my hands.

[Drew]

Both getting.

[Enya]

Occasionally I wash my hands.

[Drew]

No, they don't.

[Enya]

Because I fake wash my hands.

[Drew]

The hand soap lasts way too long in our house.

[Enya]

I fake wash my hands. I'm going to be honest. I turn on the sink and I make it sound like I'm washing my hands.

[Drew]

As if your mom's outside.

[Enya]

Like, no, literally, Everybody's done that. I swear to God.

[Drew]

I have never done that in my life. I wash my hands. No, actually.

[Enya]

But you've never fake washed your hands.

[Drew]

No, I. You know what happens is if I try to do a quick wash, I'll get really insecure, and I'll be like, my hands are so dirty. And I'll, like, a quick wash. And then I'll be like, dry my hands off and try to leave the bathroom. And then the back of my brain is like, if you don't fucking wash your hands right now, you're probably gonna die. And I'm like, oh, my God. And then I'll turn it. I'll, like, deep wash them.

[Enya]

I know there is someone out there watching this that has fake washed their hands along with me. They just. You just turn on the water, you run it, and then you turn it off, and then you leave the room.

[Drew]

You don't even get, like.

[Enya]

No, you don't even get your hands wet. Because it's annoying. Because then you have to fucking dry your hands off.

[Drew]

There's a towel for your hands.

[Enya]

Yeah, but the towel's dirty because it's been washed a hundred times with other hands.

[Drew]

No, because the hands that are wiping off on the towel are clean.

[Enya]

Have you ever heard of mold, people? Have you ever heard of mold? I'm convinced our house is full of mold constantly. I swear to God. I watched one fucking video about, like, indoor allergies and mold, and people are.

[Drew]

Like, you're so fucking annoying. Drew got seasonal allergies, and he was like, there's mold in the walls.

[Enya]

I've never had allergies in my entire life. And then all of the sudden I come in. I don't have allergies when I'm outside, but then I come inside, and immediately I have a sniffy nose, and my nose itches.

[Drew]

Your fucking room is dusty. When's the last time you wash your sheets?

[Enya]

I don't wash my hands. You think I wash my sheets? No, I don't wash my wiener. Think I wash my seats. Guys, this is all jokes. This is all jokes. I need to make that clear. Did you know spongebob actually was, like, filmed in the bikini box? It was real. All of that shit was real. I just don't know what camera they filmed on because that shit looked like a cartoon. Like, I don't know how the fuck they did.

[Drew]

No, it was. It was the famous kids camera off of Amazon.

[Enya]

Oh, really?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

That's actually fucking crazy because I literally remember watching that as a kid, and was just like. Remember, like, I was just like, how the.

[Drew]

Did they film.

[Enya]

Make this look like.

[Drew]

And especially underwater.

[Enya]

And who's. Who's the character who's playing me?

[Drew]

If I had a heart attack, I like to think that, like, I would trend, and that would be, like, a good thing on Twitter for me. Yeah.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

No, I don't have Twitter, so I don't know if I'd turn on Twitter, so maybe I'd get, like, a lot of reposts on, like, IG story.

[Enya]

Yeah, no, I would definitely be. I definitely milk your death like crazy.

[Drew]

And you have all my permission, too. We've talked about that.

[Enya]

I honestly don't know how I would react.

[Drew]

No. I feel like we're not the kind of people to, like, grief publicly like, that and intensely, which is kind of annoying because, like, my lifelong goal is to get, like, as much attention as possible. And the idea that, like, when I pass, my friends won't be, like, belligerently on the Internet talking about me all the time 24 7. It's kind of annoying, but, like, kind of beautiful because, like, I know.

[Enya]

I'm like, you're still loved. You're still loved.

[Drew]

I want public love. Like, people are like, no, that's toxic. You shouldn't be, like, possessive and want people to be jealous and, like, angry. No, I want all of my friends to know that, like, if they lost me, it would be, like, the greatest. Whether, like, I just stopped being their friends. All right. Sorry. I thought I left the front door open. If we get. If a stranger comes in, that's good. Whether. If it's Josiah or a stranger, I don't know how long that cut is or how, like, weird it was, but if it jumped, it's because we were getting a knock at the door, and I thought it was Josiah and actually pissed me off so much because we told him to be quiet. And I was ready to go down there and, like, be a mean older sister and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[Enya]

I told you to shut the hell.

[Drew]

Up when you came here, but it was the mailman. And then. This is kind of weird. I got a poster delivered, so it was like. Like. Like a circular object. And he did, like, we did have sex, and we did use it like a dildo. So that was weird, but, like, didn't. Yeah, we did.

[Enya]

I.

[Drew]

No one knows. I was gone for a long time.

[Enya]

You were gone for, like, seven seconds.

[Drew]

I'm a quick girl. One of my favorite videos to laugh at because it will never not be funny. Is James Charles.

[Enya]

Dude, not enough people talk about that collection of videos, but that is actually the best thing, the best content he ever made. Dude, that and the one with him singing with the Lopez brothers dancing in the background, actually dystopian. Like.

[Drew]

No, that. That is also. That is a person who did all that and then was, like, in the middle of the Grand Canyon, singing, like.

[Enya]

I mean, James Charles, like, is so effortlessly funny, and it's unfair because everything he does makes me laugh.

[Drew]

No. And it's. No. What makes it so funny is, like, it's, like, very serious. Like, he thought him singing in the middle of that canyon was, like, ethereal. Like, it was like. It was like, this is. He watched that video back. He was like, oh, are you kidding me? Like, that was everything. Dude, if you can right now, literally open up a separate tab and look up James Charles, Coachella, Beyonce, that person. I'm not kidding. That is, like, the least rhythmically inclined human on this planet. I like, and I stand by that.

[Enya]

Yeah. Period, point blank, period. Everything. It's. It's just so, like. It's so perfectly imperfect. Like, there's so. So many good, bad things about it. It's like. Like. I think I've said this before, but, like, I actually enjoy watching bad movies more than good movies because, like, you literally don't have to. To focus on it. You just fucking laugh and make fun of it. Yeah, like, that's purely what those James Charles dancing videos are for me is. It's just, like, so bad. I can't look.

[Drew]

It's like Coco Melon.

[Enya]

Exactly. It turns off my brain.

[Drew]

I was sitting in class, and the principal came up and. Or the vice principal. I think it was a vice principal. I fucking hated him. And I hope he has, like, a hemorrhoid or something really annoying right now because I hate him. But he came and he was like.

[Enya]

I'm gonna eat that hemorrhoid like a jelly bean. I just want to bite it off. I love biting hemorrhoids. You know what I'm talking about? When you get the hemis, they're little jelly beans around the. The edge, and you just, like, pull them off. Like, bite them with your front teeth. Bloody, bloody hemorrhoids.

[Drew]

No, keep going.

[Enya]

The hemorrho.

[Drew]

Like, you were gonna. Keep going. I'm just not gonna say anything. But basically, I got pulled out of French class, and they were like, come down to the office. And I was like, what the fuck did I do? I go down to the office, and they have my fucking vine playing on the computer.

[Enya]

I was like.

[Drew]

I was like, oh, my God. And I think someone at the school snitched on me because I was like. I was like, you motherfuckers don't know about Vine. Because people at my school didn't, like, care about Vine. And then I heard through the grapevine that someone had snitched on me. So one of the, like, who, like, were one of those nerd ass who worked in the office, I was like, you. You're a hater. But yeah, I got suspended for a week. And that's actually how my dad found out about my buying account.

[Enya]

Yay.

[Drew]

And that was a nightmare because I was like on there screaming about Niall Horan being shirtless, being like a Thornberry dude.

[Enya]

Literally, that reminded me of probably the most trouble I had gotten in in my entire life was from my Twitter account. So I. Yeah, I had a reef tank. Like a coral reef. Like, I had a bunch of beautiful coral, a bunch of, like, really expensive fish. Like, I. It was like my pride and joy. And they obviously with that, like, you have to, like, test the water chemistry. So, like, I had this like, set of, like, chemicals that, like, you, like, get samples of water and you put it in there and it legitimately looks like, like, breaking bad vibes. Breaking bad vibes. Like, it looks gnarly. It looks like I'm making meth with this fucking kit. So, like, obviously my, like, young ass, 15 year old brain is like, oh, like I'm gonna make a banger tweet. So I take a picture of it and I post it on my Twitter account and I'm like, cooking meth, bringing some to school tomorrow. Who wants it? And like, like, just like the most psycho. And sure enough, I know who snitched on me. I'm not gonna say their name. And I'm sure they're listening to this because they were like my biggest hater fan. And they. They're. They're a grown ass man. I hate you. And I hope your house burns down with your family inside.

[Drew]

What is wrong?

[Enya]

No. He ruined my life.

[Drew]

That was literally me to that lady the other day for no reason in the car. And I was like, she honked at me. And you were like. Because you scared her. And I was like, yeah, I scared her because she has two more days to live. That. And I said, like, the meanest thing ever, dude, literally. No, we were like, at dinner. And you started it.

[Enya]

Yeah, I was just like, I don't. I don't know how I started.

[Drew]

Dude, you just started it. By being really loud about nothing. You were just like, oh, yeah.

[Enya]

I would just, like, just randomly just laugh as loud as fucking possible. Like, I'd be like, like, really, really fucking loud.

[Drew]

The thing is, it's, like, not funny.

[Enya]

To anyone, but it's, like, cringey probably, but I just do that really fucking.

[Drew]

Loud, and it, like, makes me crack up.

[Enya]

It's, like, bassy, too. It's like, it's not something you hear. It's something you feel like. It's. It's like a feeling.

[Drew]

One of the reasons started this. Cause the. The couple. The older couple next to us, like, actually, if anybody has, like, I could probably look this up, and it's like, I don't need to be asking this, but we went to BCD tofu house, and someone put beer into their. Into their rice, and I was like, I'm so intrigued by that. Like, I don't know, like, why they did that. And I didn't ask and I didn't Google it because I'm a piece of shit, and I just, like, want to know. And if I don't know, then I guess I'll never know.

[Enya]

You'll never know.

[Drew]

But me and Drew were just making the joke that we were, like, what? We were, like, so out of touch.

[Enya]

And just like, no, what is that for? That looks gross. Why are you doing that? Like, just, like, really out of touch.

[Drew]

Or like, just, like, super, like, tone deaf and like, oh, you're not. Like, you're not supposed to be doing that.

[Enya]

Like, actually, that's bad.

[Drew]

And we were just, like, cracking. Sorry, my car is literally overriding to turn off. And we were just cracking up from that. And then. Oh, from us laughing from that. This, like, couple was on, like, what was very obviously a first date and.

[Enya]

This, like, maybe a second date.

[Drew]

Yeah, maybe a second date. And the white girl of the duo was, like, giving us death stares from.

[Enya]

She was, like, looking us up and down. So, like, we were just like, okay, we'll fucking look back. So we, like, we're making that face. So we're just like. Like, I was looking at everybody in the restaurant doing that, though. Like, I was trying to make eye contact with everybody.

[Drew]

It was so funny when you scared and you're like, I literally just looked everyone in here.

[Enya]

No, it was. It was crazy. Like, I had never fel the way I felt that night, and I was, like, making full eye contact with people and looking them up and down.

[Drew]

And.

[Enya]

They were probably like, dude, who is this? Why is he judging me like this?

[Drew]

And for Some reason we were hella focused on the tv. If we weren't doing that, we were dead silent watching tv. And all the TV was was commercials for the restaurant we were in.

[Enya]

Celebrities love BCD tofu. Hey guys, we wanted to take another break to thank one of our sponsors today. Zoc Duck, y'all. I recently chipped my tooth on a pickle. We know this. And guess where I went to get it fixed? I used ZocDoc to find my dentist. And I'm not kidding. I've been so scared to go to the dentist in LA because I love the hometown homey feeling of my dentist in Granbury. But the office I found is full of saints. They're like the sweetest people ever. It had wholesome energy. They were all so nice and I literally wouldn't have found them without Zocdoc. Found out I have like 3 cavities, 2 chipped teeth, a bad filling from my old dentist and it's going to cost me an arm and a leg to get fixed. But it's going to get fixed and I'm going to go more regularly because of Zocdoc. Zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about booking in network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across all specialties. You can even filter doctors who take your insurance and are located nearby. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings and choose a time slot that works perfectly for you. When I need a doctor, I'm heading to Zocdoc. Stop putting off those doctor appointments and go to Zocdoc.comIntercom to find and instantly book a top rated Doctor today. That's z o c-o c.com Intercom Zocdoc.com Intercom hey guys. I wanted to take a quick break to thank another sponsor of today's episode, Quints, y'all. Even though I enjoy luxury goods, like we all know this about me. You can look at me and tell like I'm very high value, very luxurious, like it's all over my face. It's my aura. I have a luxurious aura. We all know this. Sometimes I can't always afford luxury though, y'all. Until I discovered Quint's. Quint's offers a range of high quality items at prices within reach, like 100% cashmere sweaters from $50 washable silk tank tops and dresses, organic cotton sweaters and 14 karat gold jewelry. Hello. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. For me personally, the Mongolian cashmere cardigan is my favorite piece. I have been in my cardigan era. Anyways, give yourself the luxury you deserve with quince. Go to quince.comintercom for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.comintercom to get your free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.comintercom Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail].

[Drew]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only Plan options available. Taxes and fees, extra fee, full [e-mail] but basically that Drew's doing that and I like to him, I was like, what if I did this? But I just ended up doing it anyway. I was like, no, but what if I did this? And like she was sitting here next to me and I like turned and I was like. And like turn back.

[Enya]

Like looked her up and down.

[Drew]

Someone's gonna be like, they're fucking bullies.

[Enya]

No, but she, they were. I will say she was really pretty. Like she was. Yeah, yeah, she was really pretty. But like she just gave an energy. Like she just gave an off energy. And like she was really angry.

[Drew]

Like us trying to excuse it.

[Enya]

There's no excuse.

[Drew]

Fucking stranger. Like they don't find us being like obnoxiously annoying. And also we were like talking so loud.

[Enya]

We were being like, there's no excuse for our behavior. And if you were there, like I am wholeheartedly, wholeheartedly sorry that you experienced the wrath of Drew and Inyo like on one. But like we mean no harm by it. Like we love you.

[Drew]

Like, yeah, I'm sorry. If you're ever caught in the crossfire, just know like it's fun and you.

[Enya]

Can talk shit about us. Like we give you full permission.

[Drew]

Yeah, everyone can talk shit about us. Call us annoying. We know we are.

[Enya]

And at the end of the day, like, I love myself. Guys, if we should kiss in one episode, let us know.

[Drew]

That's why I'm okay with being a bitter hater, because I know a lot of times I'm projecting and I'm a piece of. And I'm okay.

[Enya]

Oh, look, that's sweet. They're picking it up. Oh, no, they just kicked it. Oh, they're gonna go smoke on the roof.

[Drew]

I'm literally like, where are they going? They look like they stink. Okay? Not us being, like. Not us being like, they saw it.

[Enya]

That was real. That was real. That was us in lifetime being bitter bullies.

[Drew]

I swear, I wasn't doing that on purpose. Like, they literally do look like they stink. They're like two white dudes with flip flops on. If you're wearing thong sandals out as a man, you need to go to therapy. You need to figure, I know your stinks. I know you don't cut your toenails, and I know your stinks period. Like, I know you smell like balls.

[Enya]

Just wear slides, please. Just wear slides, please.

[Drew]

Also, men. Men.

[Enya]

Has a lot of opinions on men loving themselves.

[Drew]

I can't be the only person straight men like, feeling themselves to taking pictures of themselves. I'm like, why are you doing that? Like, that? Like, I not. I, like, want a man who is, like, confident and, like, likes himself. But I'm like, if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie because the sun is on you or something, I'm crashing the car.

[Enya]

I'm crashing it into the media.

[Drew]

I'm cr. And I'm blaming you.

[Enya]

I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing.

[Drew]

Yeah, I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T bone accident because you shouldn't be doing that. Like, like, you don't have, like, the fucking New York Times app to be looking at. Like, why are you looking at yourself?

[Enya]

Play chess. Play chess.

[Drew]

Actually, don't be on your phone. I also can't stand, like, a man who's on his phone so much. Like, what do you have going on there?

[Enya]

Who are you texting?

[Drew]

I wish I was kidding. Like, I was in the car with, like, I. I. I've just been in situations with, like, men, and I'm like, I literally will out loud be like, why are you on the phone so much?

[Enya]

Like, who are you texting?

[Drew]

I'm like, you were so.

[Enya]

Not even that.

[Drew]

I'm like, you are so embarrassing. Like, you. You don't Want to look outside and, like, be like, what is there to.

[Enya]

Look at in la, we weren't driving around concrete jungle.

[Drew]

Concrete jungle? That's New York, you idiot.

[Enya]

See, if you look at that motherfucker.

[Drew]

Also, maybe, like, again, I'm projecting because I get carsick and I can't look at the.

[Enya]

You're jealous. You're jealous of what? Like, I can do.

[Drew]

No, you just, like, as, like, why the fuck are you looking like, what is on there? Stop. I fucking hate it.

[Enya]

You're literally kidding.

[Drew]

Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone. What do you need an iPhone for? If you want to post on ig, wait till you get home. Go have an ipod touch. Go have an iPad.

[Enya]

Bring your burner and your ipod touch with no service. If you have a phone with service. As a straight man.

[Drew]

No, like, what are you up to? Like, no good. Like, you're up to no good on that thing.

[Enya]

You're either.

[Drew]

Yeah, you're sexting someone and I don't.

[Enya]

Like that you're sexting someone.

[Drew]

No, I just don't like it. It's so gross. But, yeah, I could go on for days.

[Enya]

Enya goes on for days and days and days.

[Drew]

I have a lot of opinions about, like, straight men.

[Enya]

I'm like, oh, you should, like, you shouldn't love yourself. That's what she.

[Drew]

No, like, you should be confident, but don't take up, like, when a man stop someone, the other. No, I won't. I can't be the only person straight men like feeling themselves and taking pictures of themselves. I'm like, why are you doing that? Like, that. I want a man who is confident and likes himself. But I'm like, if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie. Cause the sun is on you or something. I'm crashing in the car.

[Enya]

I'm crashing it into the median.

[Drew]

I'm crashing it and I'm blaming you.

[Enya]

I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing.

[Drew]

Unbuckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T bone accident. Because you shouldn't be doing that. Like, like, you don't have, like, the New York Times app to be looking at. Like, why are you looking at yourself?

[Enya]

Play chess. Play chess.

[Drew]

Actually, don't be on your phone. I also can't stand, like, a man who's on his phone so much. Like, what do you have going on there?

[Enya]

Who are you texting?

[Drew]

I wish I was kidding. Like, I was in the car with, like, I. I I've just been in situations with, like, men, and I'm like, I literally will out loud be like. Like, why are you on the phone so much?

[Enya]

Like, who are you texting?

[Drew]

I'm like, you were so.

[Enya]

Not even that.

[Drew]

I'm like, you were so embarrassing. Like, you don't want to look outside and, like, be like, what is there.

[Enya]

To look at in la?

[Drew]

We weren't driving around la.

[Enya]

Concrete Jungle.

[Drew]

Concrete jungle? That's New York, you idiot. See, if you look at that, you would know. Also, maybe, like, again, I'm projecting because I get carsick and I can't look at the.

[Enya]

You're jealous. You're jealous of what I can do.

[Drew]

No, you just, like, as, like, why the are you looking like, what is on there? Stop. I hate it.

[Enya]

You're literally.

[Drew]

Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone. What do you need an iPhone for? If you want to post on ig, wait till you get home. Go have an ipod touch. Go have an iPad.

[Enya]

Bring your burner and your ipod touch with no service. If you have a phone with service. As a straight man.

[Drew]

No, like, what are you up to? Like, no good. Like, you're up to no good on that thing.

[Enya]

You're either.

[Drew]

Yeah, you're sexting someone, and I don't.

[Enya]

Like that you're sexting someone.

[Drew]

No, I just don't like it. It's so gross. But, yeah, I could go on for days.

[Enya]

Enya goes on for days and days and days.

[Drew]

A lot of opinions about, like, straight men.

[Enya]

I'm like, oh, you should, like, you shouldn't love yourself. That's what she.

[Drew]

No, like, you should be confident, but don't take up, like, when a man stops someone, the other. No, I won't.

[Enya]

I will say it is really cringy. Oh, my God, here I go. Like, I'm so hypocritical. It is just like something else.

[Drew]

No, there's something a little funky about a man who's, like, posting a lot of pictures of himself. I'm like, a man's ig. A straight man's IG shouldn't just be pictures of himself. I'm like, something's going on here.

[Enya]

Like, well, as a straight man, my IG's all pictures of myself.

[Drew]

What did you just call.

[Enya]

As a straight man?

[Drew]

So now we're just saying things. Okay. As a politician. Yeah, I just, like, you didn't see something on your walk you want to post? Like, do.

[Enya]

You didn't see the magnolia tree. You could take a picture of the magnolia tree and say it smells like pussy. It smells like pussy out here. And it's the magnolia tree. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The pussy willow, the stinky tree.

[Drew]

No, they smell like a sneeze.

[Enya]

They smell like Cummings.

[Drew]

They smell like cummin sneezes.

[Enya]

Tomatoes taste like cum.

[Drew]

No, you can't keep saying that because every day my, like, my go to, like, meal right now. Anywhere I go, like, no matter where I am, I get or I make it myself. A soft scrambled eggs, avocado, and slices of tomatoes. Like, it's like, all I will eat right now. And Drew said that the other day, and I literally was eating my breakfast and I wanted to throw up because I, like, I chewed on the tomato for too long. I was really getting into it.

[Enya]

It's like. It's like when you. When. If you're eating, like, red meat, you can.

[Drew]

We always talk about cocking balls and pussy on here. We always make it a point.

[Enya]

Start tasting the farm when you're eating, like, red meat. And also, yeah, just like, they. It's just a big part of our life. Cock, balls, and pussy.

[Drew]

No, we are just, like, we just say I.

[Enya]

Literally, the word. The p word makes me uncomfortable.

[Drew]

Yeah, okay. Man with a straight Instagram.

[Enya]

I'm straight as hell. This is my girlfriend. I can't. This is my girlfriend.

[Drew]

Yeah, this is my. Yeah, no, this is my boyfriend. That's like, chill. Yeah, I am straight. And don't get it twisted. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay.

[Enya]

I got it got in my eye.

[Drew]

But, yeah, we always bring it to Cock and Ball somehow. But I think that's it for the episode. Maybe we don't have to talk about cock and balls anymore. We can just shut up.

[Enya]

I literally have Red Bull in my eye. I'm curious to see if maybe one day, if I'm ready enough and all that trauma from those terrible trips is gone, if I can just, like, eat a meal and then smoke and see if it's all good.

[Drew]

Yeah, that's actually another thing I always eat before. Like, I'll be with someone who, like, enjoys smoking weed, and they'll be like, oh, my God, I'm going to smoke. And then we should order food. And I'm like, no, I'm getting food in me. And then I can, like, maybe join.

[Enya]

But, like, maybe I'll have a midnight snack. Munchies. Munchies. If you can't tell, I feel fucking batshit crazy today. I don't feel normal. My most recent bad weed experience was when I was Back in Texas, and I was, like, laying on the couch watching tv, and I just had the gnarliest thoughts about, like. Like, we were watching Netflix and I was watching these shows on Netflix and I was like. I was like, no, this is like garbage tv. Like, we're watching garbage tv. And then we watched. I was like, we. I was like, we have to turn this off. We have to turn this episode off. Like, or we have to turn the show off, because it's literally, like, it was made by aliens to, like, keep us, like, down. Like. Or some, like, crazy, like, freaked out, like, like, thought process. So we switched it and we put on this, like, magic show. And it was like this dude. Dude.

[Drew]

Which is, like, the worst thing to switch it to.

[Enya]

But it was like. It was so confusing because it was like this dude doing magic, but I couldn't tell if it was, like, a joke or if it was real or what. And I just kept saying that out loud. And I kept, like, audibly being like, no, no, like, no, like, turn this off. And I just kept going into these thoughts about, like, how, like, like, this is gonna. I literally sound psycho. But I was like, dude, like, TV is made to, like, keep the population at bay. Like. Like, just, like, the most.

[Drew]

That's literally what everybody thought in, like, the 80s.

[Enya]

Yeah, exactly. Like, the most smoke thoughts you can ever have. And I was like, this is why I don't do, like, this is why I don't smoke or take edibles, because I literally, like, cannot remember, like, like, the last good experience I had. And even, like. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. But, like, literally, I could just go.

[Drew]

On, like, hrh, like, I don't know.

[Enya]

Shut the up, whatever. But I'm like, not anti weed because I know it does help a lot of people. But, like, for me personally, I'm like, it's. It was made by the devil, like, literally. And it's trying to kill me constantly.

[Drew]

You're like, it's trying to kill me when the only person who could put it in you is you.

[Enya]

Like, exactly. No, the weed, it controls people, I think.

[Drew]

Fuck. I was just thinking, oh, that reminded me of when I went to Texas for, like, that fun party we went to. What was that party? I went to Texas for.

[Enya]

My brother's funeral. That was the event of the year.

[Drew]

You could eat anything when you're famished. And you might as well be eating at a Michelin star. Literally, you could feed me the 7 11. Like, rotisserie talk like taquitos, when I'm hungry and I'll be like, this is.

[Enya]

The best food ever. But I will say, those are the best food probably ever made.

[Drew]

I never had the taquitos, but I used to up the chicken wings. But I was like, a chicken wing monster.

[Enya]

We just had this conversation, like, two days ago. But, like, I can't do bone in meat at all. Like, boner meat. Hey, I can't. I can't do bone in meat. Because when you're. When you. When you're eating the.

[Drew]

You're sucking the bone.

[Enya]

Yeah, exactly. It's a little gay. Like, I can't do that. I can't suck bones. Bones. No, because, like, when you're eating bone in meat, one, it's on the bone, which I shouldn't see bones ever in my life. That's so sinister. And two, the tendons. The tendons and the fat, when you bite into that, it is like eating rubber bands.

[Drew]

It's like, the best taste ever. That's why I love, like, squid and octopus and like, oxtail and, like, pig's feet. Because it's all, like, fatty. Like, like, tendons. And it's like. Like, it's the most.

[Enya]

Like, it literally is, like, a cultural thing, I think, actually, though.

[Drew]

But no, I literally, like, that is what makes me, like, in the most. Like. Let me clarify.

[Enya]

This is the most Joe Rogan you'll ever say.

[Drew]

I am not vegetarian because I'm like, yes, like, save the planet. Like, of course I'm like, yes, I do my part, but I am in any. Any, like, health thing. I'm in. It's for vanity and, like. Like, that's it. Never get it twisted. Like, I don't have a hydro flask because I'm like, don't waste plastic. I have a hydro flask because if I don't have a hydro flask, I won't drink water and then I won't be pretty. Like, I. Like, of course, like, God bless that. I'm, like, helping the world while I try to be pretty in, like, little ways.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

But it. It is never. Like, I'm not skipping out on straws. Like, I will take a straw because I don't want my teeth to be yellow.

[Enya]

Also, straws aren't the things that are killing the turtles. The things that are killing the turtles are fucking nets.

[Drew]

And a lot of people would be like, oh, my God.

[Enya]

Did you switch from cancel overfishing?

[Drew]

Because you saw that? No, I'm sorry. Like, that is not my duty.

[Enya]

Like, that's not My job, it's a corporation's job. We need, it's the scientist job to figure out how to get us. Would you eat lab grown meat?

[Drew]

Yeah. Cuz that's what like plant based meat is.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

That's basically like lab grown.

[Enya]

Would you. No.

[Drew]

Would I take lab grown meat in my hole?

[Enya]

No, I didn't. Wait. It was basically what I was gonna say. I was gonna say I. I can't say it because it's so gnarly. It's really, it's really naughty. Should I just say it?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Would you lab grow. I mean that's a test tube, baby.

[Drew]

No pause. Because lab grown would hit like alien.

[Enya]

Like alien alien versus predator, I guess.

[Drew]

Actually lab grown dick would literally they could make it through the twirls at.

[Enya]

The little thingamabot and it could suck. Like we could add a little attachment.

[Drew]

You could shape it like the rabbit toys.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Like an extra mouse to be like, I won't. Yeah.

[Enya]

You can tell a lot about a person if they put the cart back. Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

That like, that's like really says all you need to know. There's another one of those where it's like, okay, like if you put your cart back, you're like a fairly like moral person. You care about the well being of others. But if you like leave it in the middle of the thing, you literally don't give a shit and all. You're a narcissist and you care about yourself and no one else.

[Drew]

Or you're in a rush. But.

[Enya]

Yeah, but I mean like I've been in rush situations and I always put.

[Drew]

Oh no, you're like the most moral grounded person ever. Keep going though.

[Enya]

Thank you.

[Drew]

Thank you.

[Enya]

I feel like I am so thank you. No, there's another one where it's like.

[Drew]

You were going to say something stupid. You were literally going to say something so stupid. No go. What were you going to say?

[Enya]

Like, as a man, it's my duty to make the girl come four times. He's the type of person I am, you know.

[Drew]

Oh, you're so nice. You make girls squirt and stuff. You make sure your girl squirts. Yeah.

[Enya]

We should just talk about how we missed the first two weeks of lockdown. We should move on. But like Azula's eating my goddamn plant. Oh my gosh.

[Drew]

She was.

[Enya]

Is she? Did she chomp on it? Big time. No. I'm gonna fucking kill myself actually. I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Like this is actually like the saddest day of my goddamn life. Oh, no. Is it bad? Yes. We're leaving. The same.

[Drew]

It's not the worst. We'll just put it. We'll walk. It's not the worst. It's not the worst.

[Enya]

We'll just keep it here for the.

[Drew]

Rest of the episode. We'll watch her.

[Enya]

I'm in a. Vomit. Vomit. Stop. An accident. Stop.

[Drew]

Drew. Well, Azul's also gonna vomit, so that's the good news.

[Enya]

Dude. Oh, my God. He ate no Inya. This is all him. I didn't even realize that's all him. He was eating the out of that like a snail. He's getting spankings. I'm not kidding. I'm gonna spank the out of him.

[Drew]

I'm so sorry. How much was this? Way too much.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I'm so sorry.

[Enya]

Sorry.

[Drew]

Okay, I'm gonna get a spray to, like, spray around that area of the.

[Enya]

Couch so that it's all good. It shouldn't have been there anyways. Like, I knew he was gonna do that.

[Drew]

I.