Drew finally pooped

Summary

Emergency Intercom: Episode Summary - "Drew Finally Pooped"

Release Date: November 15, 2024
Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips
Episode Title: Drew Finally Pooped

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Introduction to the Episode

"Emergency Intercom," a comedic podcast by Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips, dives into the hilariously awkward and relatable moments of everyday life. In the episode titled "Drew Finally Pooped," released on November 15, 2024, the hosts navigate through a candid and humorous discussion about Drew's extended bout of constipation, interspersed with their characteristic banter and light-hearted antics.

Drew's 26-Day Constipation Journey

The episode kicks off with Josh lamenting his two-and-a-half-week struggle with severe constipation:

Josh [01:59]: "I had 26 days of turds inside of my body, y' all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how horrible that is."

Drew empathizes with Josh's predicament, humorously noting the typical advice he received:

Drew [01:59]: "Guys, no more worries. No more comments suggesting fiber and water. Y' all were although coming from the right place, it was very much giving. Why don't you just smile?"

Josh elaborates on the severity of his condition, describing the physical toll it took:

Josh [02:12]: "It was the equivalent of when we went to the personal trainers, and the guy took my heartbeat, and he was just like, are you okay?"

The Moment of Relief

After enduring immense discomfort, Josh finally finds relief, leading to an emotional and euphoric response:

Josh [07:08]: "I finally. Well, I when I was back in Texas, this was like almost two weeks at this point. Like a week... 26 days of like so insane."

Drew humorously comments on the aftermath of such a prolonged struggle:

Drew [03:25]: "Wait, that's actually so embarrassing, because when you die, don't you, like, release everything?"

Physical and Emotional Impact

The conversation shifts to the physical consequences of Josh's ordeal, including significant weight loss and the strain on his body:

Josh [04:47]: "...I have a resting heart rate of 108 permanently, which is really dark."

Drew and Kai join in, teasing Josh about his health metrics and the visible effects of his condition.

Light-Hearted Banter and Personal Anecdotes

As the episode progresses, the hosts transition into various humorous exchanges, touching on topics like heated blankets, personal appearances, and playful teasing about each other's habits.

Discussion on Physical Appearances and Self-Perception

The hosts engage in a humorous conversation about body image and self-esteem:

Josh [15:31]: "But in real life and in photos, I'm really scared."

Kai [16:02]: "You guys are hot. I wouldn't work on this podcast if you guys are ugly. Straight up."

Legos: A Cult or a Hobby?

Drew brings up an amusing yet critical take on Legos, likening Lego enthusiasts to cult members:

Drew [24:35]: "I fear that Legos are just a Stanley type finesse. And everyone who is involved with being obsessed with Legos, you have accidentally joined a cult."

Josh defends his love for Legos, highlighting their creative appeal:

Josh [26:21]: "I think Legos are goats. I think they're the go. Like, the dune LEGO set is so fucking cool. Like, hello."

Cat Chronicles: Azul’s Antics

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to sharing amusing stories about their cat, Azul, showcasing the mischievous and quirky behaviors that endear him to the hosts.

Drew [41:15]: "He just bites it and spits it out and then plays with the cardboard pieces and then just like, circles around it like he killed something and walks away."

Josh [43:30]: "I want a kitten."

These anecdotes not only add humor but also highlight the hosts' affectionate bond with their pet.

Reflections on Happiness and Modern Life

Towards the end, the conversation takes a more introspective turn as the hosts discuss the elusive nature of happiness in today's fast-paced world.

Drew [28:31]: "Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh and, like, eating our favorite food and watching a fucking TV show or watching stupid YouTube videos."

Josh [30:11]: "I really can't eat bananas... I literally like the enzymes or some, like, melt my tongue away."

Concluding Remarks and Final Banter

The episode wraps up with a mix of humorous exchanges, playful curses, and light-hearted discussions about everyday frustrations, maintaining the show's signature comedic flair.

Drew [56:34]: "Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish."

Josh [53:02]: "If you haven't tried it, do not try it, because you will live your entire life chasing that goddamn high."

Key Takeaways and Insights

• Honest Conversations: The episode showcases the importance of discussing uncomfortable personal experiences with humor, making such topics more relatable and less stigmatized.

• Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Both hosts use humor to navigate through serious subjects, highlighting how laughter can alleviate tension and foster a sense of camaraderie.

• Pet Stories as Entertainment: Sharing personal stories about their cat, Azul, adds a delightful dimension to the podcast, appealing to animal lovers and enhancing listener engagement.

• Reflective Moments Amidst Comedy: The hosts balance their comedic banter with moments of genuine reflection, offering listeners a multifaceted listening experience.

Notable Quotes

• Josh on Constipation:
  "I had 26 days of turds inside of my body, y' all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how horrible that is." [01:59]

• Drew on Happiness:
  "Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh and, like, eating our favorite food and watching a fucking TV show or watching stupid YouTube videos." [28:31]

• Josh on Mobile Dependency:
  "Like, I'm literally getting iPhone withdrawals. Like, I need to go to rehab for my fucking phone." [30:11]

• Drew's Playful Curse:
  "Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish." [56:34]

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Note: This summary captures the essence of the episode's conversations and humor while addressing sensitive topics with care. Listeners are encouraged to tune in for the full comedic experience and the hosts' unique dynamic.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Drew Phillips]

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[Josh]

I timely I out of my ass, y' all. It was brutal.

[Drew Phillips]

Drew pooped. Guys, no more worries. No more comments suggesting fiber and water. Y' all were although coming from the right place, it was very much giving. Why don't you just smile?

[Josh]

Yeah, drink more water and smile and you won't be the.

[Drew Phillips]

They're like, wait, just like eat a green. Like, get it moving.

[Kai]

Drew, you do look a lot prettier when you smile.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I.

[Josh]

Actually. No, don't do that. That's my thing. You don't get to hit him.

[Drew Phillips]

It's a sexual thing. To be honest.

[Josh]

You don't get to hit him.

[Drew Phillips]

Sorry. Oh. Oh. Did the just fall?

[Josh]

Yeah, guys, I finally. Well, I when I was back in Texas, this was like almost two weeks at this point. Like a week. Yeah, I had 26 days of turds inside of my body, y' all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how horrible that is. Like, of course, like a little here and there, but like for the most part, like legitimately, 26 days of like so insane, which is like genuinely ridiculous. And I know I know. I could have died. I know, I know, I know. And who knows? Maybe I wanted to die full of, like. Maybe that was, like, my plan the whole time.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, that's actually so embarrassing, because when you die, don't you, like, release everything?

[Josh]

I don't know. But that was not releasing. That was going to be stuck inside of me forever, bro.

[Drew Phillips]

Ew. The poor people at the morgue who would have had to, like, go through your body.

[Josh]

My autopsy, and they found out my toxic mega colon is, like, the. What killed you. Yeah, well, 26 days of not what finally did. It was. I ordered colonoscopy prep from my internist, and it was on it. It was, like, really easy to get. And then when I told him how long it had been since I. He, like, kind of did a double take.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. He was like. He was like, wait, how many days? And Drew, like, yeah, like, at that point, you had called him when you were like, it's like, 17 days in. And even then, he was like, oh, how are you feeling? Like, it literally felt. It was the equivalent of when we went to the personal trainers, and the guy took my heartbeat, and he was just like, are you okay?

[Josh]

Yeah, like, what?

[Drew Phillips]

And he was like, your heartbeat is so low. And I was like, I'm fine. He was like, you had coffee or something today? I was like, yeah, I had coffee and a Celsius, and he was like, something.

[Kai]

Do you feel the weight mean you're incredibly healthy, though.

[Josh]

That's what it means. Having a low resting heart rate is good. I have a resting heart rate of 108 permanently, which is really dark.

[Kai]

Your heart rate when you're in bed on your phone is, like, two.

[Drew Phillips]

No, it literally. Our heart rate's like, my. Double my heart rate and pass it on to Drew, because that's literally what we have going on.

[Josh]

Yeah. And then when I stand up, it spikes to, like, 140 every time. And I almost pass out in the kitchen. I can make it from my bedroom to the kitchen, and then I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to die. I'm actually going to die. But anyways, 26 days of. I weighed myself before, and I have a picture of me on the scale. I weighed 157. And I typically, like, on average weigh, like. I fluctuate between, like, 144 and 148. Like, typically at 144. Like, that's. That's, like, my baseline. I can get to, like, 138if I'm, like, really depressed or Some shit. But like 144 is like my base weight.

[Drew Phillips]

It's the base weight, y' all. You're always trying to be in, like, gain weight above that.

[Josh]

How. How much was inside of me? How? I forgot how many pounds.

[Drew Phillips]

You went from 1:57 to 142. So it's like £15.

[Josh]

I had £15 of inside of me, y' all. £15 pounds of inside of my body. What crazy.

[Drew Phillips]

I wonder how much, like, your body wasn't even digesting anything. Like, it wasn't like taking. I guess it had to have been taking in the nutrients.

[Josh]

That's a. That's the problem is it was just like lodged in there, so it was just like sucking it dry until it was literally like bricks inside of my body, y' all. I'm gonna actually, I'm not gonna spare the details. I'm gonna go all the way in. Like, I drank it around 9am Because I was like, I want to be. I don't want to be. Throughout the night. Whatever. Drank it at 9am was the most nauseous I've ever been in my entire life. My mom popped into the room because I was just like, so sick. And she was like, I literally thought I was gon to the hospital because you. You were clear. I was like. She was like, freaking me out. And I was like, I feel like nauseous, but I don't feel terrible. And she was like, no, you looked horrible. Well, like, no, nothing. Just like horrible, horrible gut pain all day long until like 8pm and me and my mom were sitting on the couch and she was like, do I think it's time to go to the er? And I was like, yeah, I think you're right. And she. I was like, let me. Let me rest for like two more hours. And I swear to God, at 10pm If I don't, I'll go to the hospital.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, you took it at 9:00am and you still hadn't by like 10:00pm?

[Josh]

Yeah, I. It was like all. It was all day. Like it was melting away in my body. Well, I'm laying in my parents bed. It's like 9ish in their room. And I'm just like, we're watching whatever. I'm like on the edge of their bed. And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, my God, it's happening. And I like sprint to the bathroom across the house and I sit on the floor.

[Kai]

Broke.

[Josh]

Yes, my water literally broke. I get to the bathroom and I pushed for about like 3 seconds. And then TMI. But I'm not kidding. A cannonball sized, like, this big, I'm guessing, like, shot out of my ass at mach speeds, hit the toilet bowl, and exploded into, like, shrapnel. And, like, I literally was, like, in so much pain. I wish I could describe you the pain I felt.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, the way you described it to.

[Josh]

Me and Josh, I'm gonna get there. It literally. It was horrible. Like, it was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. And then right after, like, right after I proceeded to become the most euphoric. Like, what I remember, like, painkillers feeling, like when I was abusing them. Like, I straight up felt, like, genuinely euphoric. I felt like God was licking the inside of my skull and my body. Like, it was crazy. Like, it was so. I wish everyone could feel the relief I felt in that moment. And it was like you felt the.

[Drew Phillips]

Joy only felt by somebody like, Frankie Grande feels on it.

[Josh]

Exactly, Exactly. Frankie Grande on the wicked carpet with that hair, bruh. But I didn't realize, like, how much pain I was in day to day. Like, it was like, in that moment, I realized, and I started crying because I was like, oh, my God. Like, I was hurting so bad, and now I feel so fine. But, like, just, like. I guess over time, it just, like.

[Drew Phillips]

Gradually, like, yeah, you, like, acclimated every day, the pain would build up a little, and by the end of the day, you were like, this is just my new pain.

[Josh]

Yeah, I might have set a fucking world record, but, yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Have you looked up to see what the longest, like, somebody's ever been? Constant.

[Josh]

They're all dead. They're all dead. I went the longest and survived, y' all.

[Kai]

Wait, so the colonoscopy prep worked?

[Josh]

It worked down.

[Kai]

See, this is why people say prep is so important.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know if that's, like.

[Josh]

No, they mean, huh? Like, prep, like the drug.

[Kai]

Like, oh, okay.

[Josh]

I'm the medication.

[Kai]

I'm trying to do the work.

[Josh]

Yeah, yeah. Respect. Respect.

[Drew Phillips]

You're learning something.

[Josh]

But slowly but surely, I. I proceeded to. All day or the rest of the night? Into the night. Woke up the next day, was supposed to get on a flight, canceled that. Because I was like, I cannot get on it.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh. If I got on a flight and you were sitting next to. To me and, like, getting up all the time, I bet you started to smell like shit.

[Josh]

Yeah, no, I probably did. It was coming out of my pores. Like, it was straight up, was horrible.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, no, the thing. The way you described it to me and Josh was. You said it felt like a foam football coming out of your.

[Josh]

No, that was the shit that I had here.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, here.

[Josh]

I'm regular now. And I hadn't shit for, like, four days after that. And I was getting worried, and then a foam football shot out of my ass. But. And then I was like, oh, wait, I'm regular. And it looked healthy.

[Drew Phillips]

Me and Josh were saying, like, it is so, so jarring how, like, most people just poop and you get it over with. Like, I am blessed with, like, a body that just, like, does its job, and I poop all the time. So, like, there's not really much to describe. Like, it's. It's every few months where I'm like, oh, my God, this is like a describable moment. I must tell the world. The world being running to your room and telling you about it or saying. But you. Since, like, pooping is such a miraculous. It's a fee event for you. Yeah. It's literally. It is the equivalent to climbers who finally get to the top of Mount Everest. Your descriptors are so insanely detailed that I can think of multiple poops you've had. Like, they will live on my mind, like, memory.

[Josh]

And I describe them, like, perfectly. That's the craziest thing I know. And I sit there and I'm like, that was a foam football coming out of my ass. Or that was like a softball shooting out at Montreal.

[Drew Phillips]

Or you say it's a chicken nugget, but you describe which fast food chain.

[Josh]

The chicken nugget came from. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

That is not real.

[Kai]

Every advertiser just bailing on the show.

[Drew Phillips]

That is not real. Drew.

[Josh]

It's desperate water for straight up. Like, I'm not kidding, like, seven seconds.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, I. I believe you. Because when Drew came back from Texas, every time we would be talking, he was like, hold on, I have to fart, so I'm gonna go to the bathroom. And he would run to the bathroom to make sure he didn't his pants. Oh, my God.

[Josh]

I have no.

[Drew Phillips]

I can't. Like, I seriously can't. As much as we talk about poop and stuff, like, it literally, like, I don't. Like, I really am not down with the scat. Like, y' all is scat. The thing, like, when people, like, poop.

[Josh]

Yeah. That's like, your bot.

[Drew Phillips]

We're, like, worse. Low key. Survey the sc.

[Josh]

After I. I sent a picture to Kai of my back and I had welts all over my body.

[Drew Phillips]

I thought you were going to say you had Shot up your back.

[Josh]

I exploded out of my diaper.

[Kai]

There's. There's like, a soundboard on here. We could load that up.

[Drew Phillips]

We should load it up with your poop sounds.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Man, that is amazing.

[Josh]

It was iconic. It truly was. Genuinely like what I imagine, like an opium den for three days. Feels like. Like I. For real felt like. Like I was. I had the Zoomies after. Like, I was running around the house. Like, I didn't know I couldn't run. Like, I didn't know I wasn't, like, performing well at the gym.

[Kai]

Like, you're feeling the beauty of giving birth.

[Josh]

No, exactly. I. That's genuinely in the moment. I was like, oh, my God, I just gave birth to, like, a seven pound baby.

[Kai]

Have you experienced any postpartum depression?

[Josh]

Yes. I miss. I miss being pregnant with 15 pounds of. I miss being able to talk about it because I won't be able to talk about it.

[Drew Phillips]

I know you have nothing to complain now. Drew's new complaint is like, I just feel like. Like, it's just literally like, just right. He was like, my body. I just feel my body.

[Josh]

But I love basketball. Like, at least.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God. I was watching a movie last night, and I. I, like. Josh and Drew were hidden in their room. I was sitting on the couch watching a movie, and I paused for a second to look at my phone for my interlude. It's kind of like at the opera when they let go out and breathe a fresh breath of air.

[Josh]

Yeah. You can't. You can't finish a whole movie without looking at.

[Drew Phillips]

Without looking at my.

[Josh]

Like, I simply must.

[Drew Phillips]

So I pause, and when I pause is exactly when I heard Drew stop talking. And I hadn't heard Drew alive all day. He's been. He was in his room all day, and the only thing I heard was, oh, I just love basketball. Like, that was all I heard was just. I, like, the whole time I was like. Like them talking back and forth, and Josh wasn't really saying much. He was like, oh, what? Like, that's crazy.

[Josh]

And.

[Drew Phillips]

And, like, Drew is doing the thing where he just, like, starts shooting facts at you, and then he goes, I don't know. I just love basketball. And then I heard his door close.

[Josh]

I really do. It's like my lifeline. I truly think it's the only reason why I'm alive. And I got compared to Reed shepherd on my Drew's look alikes account.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know who that is.

[Josh]

He's just a rookie for the Rockets this year.

[Drew Phillips]

Would be a rookie.

[Josh]

Yeah. No, period. But everyone was saying, this is what India saw. And Drew, if you want to see him.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I saw that.

[Josh]

Yeah. I didn't think he really looked like me that much, but he's. He's the safest rookie. And I was a baddie, you know?

[Drew Phillips]

Now you're hot. You were a baddie. Now you're hot. We talk about this all the time. Drew will randomly just be like, I'm ugly. And then I get offended because I've multiple times told Drew that if I saw him, like, my vibe of Drew is. If I didn't know Drew and I was at a party and he came into the group, I would try to make him laugh for his attention, but I would never Pursuit. Yeah, but that's, I think, the highest form of compliment. Yeah, it's like, you're too hot. I don't really.

[Josh]

Trish. I called us models, and I'm not kidding. I looked in the mirror after I heard that clip, and I was like, wow, I am pretty, but I'm hot in the mirror. But in real life and in photos, I'm really scared.

[Drew Phillips]

That's not true.

[Josh]

Like, that's. That's.

[Kai]

You guys are hot. I wouldn't work on this podcast if you guys are ugly. Straight up.

[Drew Phillips]

Honestly, I agree.

[Josh]

I agree. I fully.

[Drew Phillips]

I literally agree. Like, I can't say that.

[Josh]

Was it that loud? We've been trying to fix it, and now it's louder.

[Drew Phillips]

No, it's louder. Also, our heater, I turned it on yesterday, and it was buzzing really loud. And I was like, oh, my God. All of my fears of the house exploding are going to come to fruition. So I turned it off, and I just suffered in the freezing cold.

[Josh]

Our house is fucking freezing.

[Drew Phillips]

It is constantly, without fail, the 66 degrees in the house at 80. Every waking. Fucking.

[Josh]

The first thing India says when she wakes up every morning, she walks at her door, she's like, oh, it's so cold. Without fail, every.

[Drew Phillips]

Because every morning, it shocks me because I got a heated blanket, which has genuinely changed, shifted.

[Josh]

Like, I like sleeping in your bed.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm obsessed with the heated blanket. I am still fearful that it's going to cook me in my sleep, but I found out this morning that it turns off automatically after three hours, so that's good. But then I wake up for freezing.

[Josh]

Like, you're going to get those, like, skin veins that I honestly don't give.

[Drew Phillips]

A. I'll just get, like, permanent airbrushing on my legs. I was thinking about that the other day. Like, I have no plans on ever getting surgeries, especially in my, like, younger years. I'm untouched. Okay.

[Josh]

Like, right, yeah. And is untouched.

[Kai]

You both have gotten so much work done.

[Drew Phillips]

I know.

[Kai]

I, I, it's irresponsible to say this.

[Drew Phillips]

I just can't stop getting work done.

[Josh]

I just can't stop, I just can't stop coming. I don't think people know that reference, but I say it all the time. I've said it multiple times on a stage in front of a bunch of college students. What we're referencing when we just, when we say I just can't stop coming is like, about five years ago, Nikocado Avocado posted an IG story promoting his only fans where he scribbled out like maybe 40% of it. And you could fully see his like wiener on hard coming. And he literally just like, was like, I just can't stop coming. I don't know, it's just like, it's funny.

[Drew Phillips]

It's the craziest thing ever. You know what it is? It's the first time I've heard a man say something like that's equivalent to like, what they have cam girl saying. Yeah, like, it's such a chatterbait ass ad.

[Josh]

Like, I just can't stop coming.

[Drew Phillips]

But fuck, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah, I haven't gotten any work done yet. That is what I want to preface yet. Trust and believe. The second I turn 50, I'm going fudgeing banana.

[Josh]

And the work is going to be so good.

[Drew Phillips]

I know by then it's going to be unseen. You all are going to have to like, I mean, to be fair, by 50, I quite literally don't think anybody will give a single fuck about the.

[Josh]

World will be on fire.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, we won't make it that far with climate change and everything, so whatever. But if we do, I will be getting surgery and there will maybe be like one or two of you who remembers that I exist. And you'll go through and find my IG where I'm getting like one, one, like, and a comment from a family member. And it's just me looking exactly like this still. It's like the Christina Aguilera thing.

[Kai]

Like, that is crazy.

[Drew Phillips]

It's very creepy. It is very, very weird.

[Josh]

She's respecting the substance, babe. She's respecting the balance.

[Drew Phillips]

I, the thing is, I don't know if I want to go that crazy. Like, I don't know if I want to go that crazy. Like, I don't want to look 25. I just want to look 50, but come on.

[Josh]

Yeah, well, I would never touch my body the sis.

[Drew Phillips]

No one else would either.

[Kai]

It's not true.

[Drew Phillips]

Drew. What's crazy is you're wearing that poop hat, and I almost didn't realize it because it just looks like your hair.

[Josh]

Oh, yeah, because it's.

[Drew Phillips]

It looks like.

[Josh]

Oh, well, I got a shot collar.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, is that. Because we were talking about that. Wait, does it vibrate or shock?

[Josh]

Vibrates and shocks, and I thought we could try it for the first time on here, but I feel like. Felt it shock my finger, and I think it actually might stop my brain and heart.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. I don't know, but if it's.

[Josh]

If it could kind of like. It's kind of kind like, after.

[Kai]

You should put on your nuts after.

[Josh]

Huh?

[Kai]

What? I didn't say anything. All right, wait.

[Josh]

Be careful, because it's on. Or maybe it's not, but. I'm so scared. I don't know if I can do this, actually.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, it's just. It's vibrating.

[Josh]

No, it's.

[Drew Phillips]

It shocks vibrating. No, this one shocks.

[Kai]

Okay. Bark for me, Drew.

[Josh]

No, I actually. I can't do it. I don't think. It's not on my skin yet. Wait, I don't want you to do it.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, I'll put it down. Wait, it's, like, literally not letting me put it down.

[Josh]

You have to click the top button in, and then.

[Drew Phillips]

I'll just do the vibrator.

[Josh]

Very Vivian Westwood.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, I don't think so.

[Josh]

Wait, chill.

[Drew Phillips]

That one's. It's a four.

[Josh]

I know it's not on my skin yet, but, like, I don't trust you.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, okay, look, level one.

[Josh]

My hair won't let me tighten this.

[Drew Phillips]

Level one.

[Josh]

Okay, but wait, it's not on my skin yet.

[Drew Phillips]

Squid game.

[Josh]

I'm gonna have a. What the Was that just.

[Drew Phillips]

You could do sounds, too. This is just abuse.

[Josh]

I'm, like, actually gonna have a conniption fit.

[Drew Phillips]

Did y' all want walkie talkies really bad as kids?

[Josh]

Yes.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, everybody wanted, like, a really good walkie talkie so bad. Like, wait, we should get walkie talkies because we text across the house.

[Josh]

That would be fun. Wait, something just. Did a turd fall down my shirt?

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, did a turd fall of.

[Kai]

Turd fell there. They're all falling down. Honestly, what the.

[Josh]

I feel like I'm, like, actually losing my mind.

[Kai]

Oh, that one's.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, yeah. It's like. It's, like rolling down the wall.

[Josh]

What. What song did I sing earlier? I made a joke earlier about them falling.

[Kai]

Oh, this is really bad. Oh, linger.

[Josh]

No. I don't know. We all have a Rizzler.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, wait, I'm gonna do one.

[Josh]

Is it shocking?

[Drew Phillips]

No, no.

[Josh]

Oh, vibrating. I don't care about that. Literally feels like nothing should bump it up. I mean, the vibrating is not going to hurt at all. It's just supposed to, like, scare me. But wait, why is it, like, actually, like. Like, it doesn't hurt?

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, hold it away from you because I'm going to do.

[Kai]

You got a shot. You got to squeal like a pig.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, wait. Okay, this is level one.

[Josh]

I actually don't know if this is a good idea.

[Drew Phillips]

Just touch it.

[Josh]

I did, and it hurts so bad on level one. Yes. It felt like I was being, like, stabbed by a bee.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, then maybe we shouldn't play with this.

[Kai]

Yeah, I don't want you to get hurt.

[Josh]

Actually, wait, hold on. I keep feeling things. I'm like, literally, you're going crazy.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, should I go?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh.

[Josh]

It, like. It's not that bad.

[Drew Phillips]

It's just, like, ew. The sound you made was crazy.

[Josh]

No, if I go any higher, I might, like, actually stop my heart. Oh, really? Yes.

[Drew Phillips]

I guess dogs have, like, fur and, like, other things. It's, like, straight to the source with you.

[Josh]

I didn't. I pulled it away. I was too scared. It's not on me yet. Wait, turn it up to 10.

[Drew Phillips]

10? I don't think for shock.

[Josh]

Just turn it up.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God. Shock. It goes to level 99, and it has a hazard sign.

[Kai]

You were on one out of 99.

[Josh]

Wait, do. Do 10. Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is happening? It's like. It's like F3. F4. Oh, wait, no, that's for the sound.

[Josh]

Frequency 4. Okay, I'm ready.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh.

[Kai]

Anya, what did you put it to?

[Drew Phillips]

I did. It's at 10.

[Kai]

Is it at. Are you sure it's at 10 and not 100? Because he just pissed himself. He pissed his pants.

[Drew Phillips]

Good. This is what you get when you fuck with me, bitch. Yeah. How are you still bruised from the cupping?

[Josh]

Am I?

[Drew Phillips]

Actually, yeah. You still have the spots from the cupping. Also, I, like, didn't have a good reaction because I actually thought I just killed you. So, like, that silence was me actually being like. My first thought was, like, I need to leave soon. Like, and I just killed Drew, so I can't leave. And I was like, I'm gonna have to text everyone I know.

[Josh]

Kidding me?

[Drew Phillips]

Well, no, because I was.

[Josh]

That was your first.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, no, I was like, Reorganizing my, like, plans. I was like, okay, well, I can't leave. I have to take Drew to the hospital. And then I was like, would I be able to make that? I was like, no, I have to be in the hospital.

[Kai]

Why are you mad about a woman getting her bag and being independent?

[Drew Phillips]

Exact.

[Josh]

Exactly. I just died.

[Drew Phillips]

You actually didn't. Your dramatic. You're all right.

[Josh]

You're turning ya.

[Drew Phillips]

Hell no. Hell. Hell, no.

[Kai]

No, I'm actually scared of. Of any pain.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. I'm gonna say something that's really gonna strike a chord with a lot of people, because I know. I have a feeling that a lot of people in our audience are just gonna feel attacked by this. I fear that Legos are just a Stanley type finesse. And everyone who is involved with being obsessed with Legos, you have accidentally joined a cult. Legos are not that interesting. They're also, like, the craziest plastic machine I've ever seen. And it just reminds me of Stanley's like, okay, I saw a LEGO wreath. Like a LEGO crack Christmas wreath. Get a no.

[Josh]

The flowers are so cute.

[Drew Phillips]

The flowers I'll let slide. But now they're doing everything. Everything is Lego. Everything.

[Josh]

Did you see the cats?

[Drew Phillips]

The Coraline house? I haven't seen the cats.

[Josh]

The cats are so cute.

[Drew Phillips]

Get a plushie. Like the lego.

[Josh]

No. The building is, like, the part of.

[Drew Phillips]

It that's fun I just can't get with the Legos. And to me, I literally see it like, the people who collect Stanley Cup. Yeah. It just doesn't like Legos. Don't strike a chord of joy for me.

[Josh]

Let the LEGO cats vote.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, that's a good one. That's a good one. I like the OG little. Just like regular Legos. This grand scheme, it literally feels like so Mary Kay and Ashley. Not Mary Kate and Ashley. Mary Kate makeup. Like, it feels like that to me. It feels very Avon. It feels very culty. It feels like at one point, someone's gonna start knocking on my door and asking if I want to buy, like, my LEGO voting ballot, my LEGO absentee ballot. Like, it's just bleeding into everything. Everything is Lego, and I don't like it. I just don't like it.

[Josh]

I have to disagree, but we can agree to disagree. I think Legos are goats. I think they're the go. Like, the dune LEGO set is so fucking cool. Like, hello.

[Drew Phillips]

But to me, Legos are like my puff bar. I look at this, I'm like, how many of these are sitting in landfills? And then I look, I Feel really bad. And then I remember that there are people who buy a Lego set a month and there's 8 million pieces just everywhere on the planet. And it makes me feel better, honestly.

[Josh]

I think. What the fuck? Where did my dad.

[Drew Phillips]

What?

[Josh]

My dad texted me some weird shit. Well, people who think being gay is a choice are actively choosing not to be gay.

[Drew Phillips]

So you're gay.

[Josh]

So that's a gay tendency. I love gay tendencies. Like eating kiwis, that's gay tendencies.

[Drew Phillips]

Eating kiwis. What else is a gay tendency?

[Josh]

I guess riding passenger while your girl is driving, that's gay tendencies.

[Drew Phillips]

Watching music videos to wind down for the night is definitely gay tendencies.

[Josh]

Watching men play football is gay tendencies.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God, I got a football.

[Josh]

Rooting for a football team. Gay.

[Drew Phillips]

I literally got a football at it. And although it was moving, I will still never partake in the consumption of sports because it actually means nothing to me. Like, it should be illegal to record the losing team. Like, seriously, they just lost. Like, now you're going to put a camera in their face and there's always a compilation of the team.

[Kai]

Like, the best is when it's like the confetti that's colored.

[Josh]

Like, the other team.

[Drew Phillips]

Why they're just like, walking through and it's like, you. They're just. And the more I think about it, I don't know what brings me joy.

[Josh]

Your vape? Me?

[Drew Phillips]

My heated blanket.

[Josh]

Your heated blanket? No. And I'm not kidding. I was laying in bed a couple nights ago thinking about, like, what I am truly passionate for and, like, what I would do for the rest of my life, like, and enjoy it. And I have nothing. I have nothing. I have nothing. I like.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, okay, that's. I think that is the scam. And this is gonna sound so Tumblr, Twitter brain coded. But something I try to remind myself is being such a sad, sad, sad child who went through harsh things. I always had this very grand idea of what happiness was. And I thought when I had it, I would know it and I wouldn't second guess. But literally at this point, I feel like happiness is a construct that is being sold to us so that we never stop in the hamster wheel that is life and that we keep, keep, keep just destroying ourselves and trying to search for that.

[Josh]

But happiness is the little things.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, it literally is not this big thing. Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh and, like, eating our favorite food and watching a fucking TV show or watching stupid YouTube videos. That, to me now I can accept that is the peak joy I will ever feel. Because it's like being on my iPhone.

[Josh]

For 14 hours a day, that is pure happiness. Like, y' all, I'm not even joking. Like, I love being on my phone right now. It's, like, really bad. But then there will be moments when I'm, like, 200 videos deep on this random person from, like, Arkansas's TikTok account that has 200 followers, and I'd, like, know everything about their life. And I knew what, like, donuts they ate in the morning, and I was just like, actually, like, what am I doing? Like, truly. And I'll, like, actually launch my phone across my room. Like, if you ever hear something, like, hit the floor in my room, it's my phone flying across. Because I, like, literally can't just lock it and set it down. I have to, like, physically launch it out of my hand.

[Drew Phillips]

I know. I've seen you do it. And I remember one time you did it, and Josiah was like, oh. And went and picked it up and gave it back to you, and you were like, no. I were like, okay. Dramatic people come into my room. Be like, I need to detox from my phone. I'm getting off my phone. We need to leave the house. And I'm like, okay. And I'm sitting there, like, on my phone or doing something in my room. And two seconds later, he goes, I'm withdrawing. I really want to look at my phone right now. Bitch. It's been, like, three seconds, and you're with a human right now.

[Josh]

I legitimately get iPhone withdrawals. Like, I need to go to rehab for my fucking phone. But back to the happiness conversation. Life is only suffering from the second you're born to the second you die, you will suffer every single day, period. That's the end of it. I'm fucking kidding. And I mean, it is. It's really. I'm about to start crying because everything bad that can happen to me has been happening to me.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. I'm just excited for this year to get wrapped up. Although next year and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that doesn't seem. Seem like the most promising next few years.

[Josh]

It's always unstable. You really never know.

[Drew Phillips]

You just don't know.

[Josh]

And I'm 17 next year, and we all know about the 17 club. People die when they're 17. And who knows? Maybe I'll die.

[Drew Phillips]

Do you think they're going to penalize Chapel Roan for contributing to population decline?

[Josh]

Penis lies because she's a lesbian.

[Drew Phillips]

Hopefully because I was watching snl and I was like, oh, my God, I love her so much. She's so awesome. And then I really, like, I was re. Watching it a few days after the election, so I was really, really spiraling because. No, I just was. And I was like, oh, my God, what if we get to a point that she, like, gets, like, fined for saying that women are better than men on tv? Which. Guys, it's not gonna happen. Seriously. Okay? We need to move on because I'm actually gonna start freaking out.

[Josh]

Well, Australia's PR team is a fucking shit show because I literally haven't seen a single positive thing about living there. Like, not one. There's a hole in the ozone layer that's melting people's skins off. There's spiders everywhere, like, literally eating people alive. There's, like, the most poisonous snakes in the world. Just, like, living.

[Drew Phillips]

It's like an inhabitable.

[Josh]

You shouldn't be there. It's inhospitable. It's literally, you should not be there. Like, I think there's, like, something like, three cities where, like, 99 of the population lives, and then the rest is just, like, literally, like, mad Max level of desert, where it's just like, literally, you can't survive out there. And then also, don't even get me started about the goddamn flies, bitch. You have to wear, like, fucking fly hats because these flies are, like, attracted to the CO2 leaving your body, so they just, like, attack your face and try to get in your nose, eyes, mouth, and ears. So you have to wear these hats, like, when you just go outside. And then also those fucking birds, the magpies. Like, the fucking magpies. If you ride your bike down the road, magpies will swoop down and try. No, they try to eat your eyes out of your skull. I'm not kidding. Like, they literally. There's videos of people, like, where magpies are just, like, fucking attacking them.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, I've seen a girl walking. Like, there's this girl who runs, and she always is trying out new hats to see if she gets attacked. I'm like, at what cost? Why do you live there? Like, I don't understand.

[Josh]

I mean, honestly, how are they going to get out? Because, like, every flight is literally 24 hours away.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, and it's also $8,000 to leave.

[Josh]

Yeah, but the surfing's nice. Let's say a couple nice things.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know anything about Australia.

[Josh]

It's probably easy to tan.

[Kai]

I think their economy is strong. I heard that.

[Josh]

Strong economy. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Weird accent.

[Kai]

But what I don't like, about Australia is that Australian guys are always tall and strong and they'll beat me up. Like, every Australian person I've ever met. Yeah. Has, like, pulled my pants down and, like, beat me up and humiliated me.

[Drew Phillips]

How often do you meet guys from Australia?

[Josh]

I saw Jordan Barrett once.

[Drew Phillips]

Who's Jordan Barrett?

[Josh]

The mugger.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, the scary guy.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

He's Australian.

[Josh]

Yeah. He got caught stealing cigarettes.

[Drew Phillips]

Another bad PR stunt from Australia.

[Josh]

He got caught stealing cigarettes and he got casted for it. Oh.

[Drew Phillips]

When he was younger, I thought, like, now, because I was like, girl, why are you stealing cigarettes now? Now you're just bored.

[Josh]

No, he is the weirdest looking person ever.

[Drew Phillips]

And I'm sorry, I. I'd like, God bless.

[Josh]

But, like, no. PSL is different from appeal.

[Kai]

He is. He is weird looking, but I do. I'm like, I look so much like him that maybe I'm just projecting. Like, that is your twin.

[Josh]

That is your twin.

[Kai]

That's kind of my twin.

[Drew Phillips]

If that was your twin, I would be grossed out.

[Josh]

Like, no, you're. You're more like Chico. Twin coated. You got chico vibes.

[Drew Phillips]

Who's that?

[Kai]

It's Chico.

[Josh]

He's like, appeal versus, like, Jordan Barrett's psl. Chico's appeal.

[Drew Phillips]

You know what I just thought of when we were at the store and you were like, yeah, that's a cheat code. And the girl thought you said, oh, my God, that is so Chico.

[Josh]

We were at the store and this girl, like, knew who we were and she worked there. And if you're listening to this, I loved your energy. You were a vibe. Like, you were lit. And she was just, like, chatting us up, and we were just, like, talking about, like, what we had been up to, and she was like, oh, my God. Y' all were, like, randomly in Arizona for the Urban Outfitters thing. Like, I went there and I had friends there and they saw you and it was all. It was crazy. And then I can't remember how it got there. I think she was, like, talking about.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, people go to the school to, like, go to a party.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

So you could, like, get a scholarship and then just go off and, like, party.

[Josh]

Yeah. And get a. That's Chico. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's a cheat code.

[Kai]

I do not look like this guy.

[Josh]

I know. You don't know.

[Kai]

I fucking wish.

[Josh]

Yeah, you don't look like him at all. This is appeal.

[Kai]

This is so handsome. Makes me depressed.

[Josh]

Like, this is their other.

[Drew Phillips]

God, I hate men who look like that.

[Josh]

I think he's so cute. Looking, but I would never. I need like a 46 year old.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, if I'm gonna find a man attractive, he has to have, like a bit of character to his face and look like I scars. I can't stand like a Roblox, like, dressed to impress looking. I can't stand it.

[Kai]

Well, me and Drew are obsessed with looking like that, so.

[Josh]

And we'll do whatever crazy I'm gonna get. I've been bone smashing.

[Drew Phillips]

I was gonna say guasha is the girl equivalent to bone smashing.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Because I saw a girl on my timeline who had guashed so hard all her blood vessels had popped. And all the comments were like, girl.

[Josh]

Chill the out. But anyways, this girl was like. Or I was like, oh, like, that's such a cheat code. Like a cheat code to a video game. And she was like, yeah, that's so cheat co. And then I was like, yeah, yeah, it's a cheat code. And I like, enunciated. And she's like, yeah, that is so chico.

[Drew Phillips]

When we left, we were laughing so hard because I was like, okay, what would that even imply? I don't want to know what it would imply. But also just the idea that, like, Drew Phillips is in a store saying, that's so Chico.

[Josh]

Yeah, we need to make Chico. I'm assuming she had like a friend named Chico or there's like a legend Chico legend at the campus or something. And she.

[Kai]

Or maybe she's a member of Mogwarts Mogworts Academy.

[Josh]

K Shaman.

[Drew Phillips]

You have your Harry Potter hat on. Isn't that the hat that, like, chooses people?

[Josh]

That's the Sorting Hat. What are you. I feel like you're Slytherin about me and you Slytherin, Harry.

[Kai]

And he is Gryffindor.

[Josh]

I'm Slither Bone. What?

[Kai]

What was that?

[Josh]

Slither Bone.

[Drew Phillips]

That making you laugh so hard. It's crazy, right? Right. Well, I think I've decided that somebody saying something is fascinating is the most condescending thing ever. Like, it's interesting in movies where they're like, fascinating. Okay. Because one, it's not. Two, you're being condescending as. And if, like, if I told my story, like a story to somebody and all they were to say in reply was, that's fascinating. That's fascinating. I would hit them. Fascinating to me is a fight word. Like, oh, that's fascinating. I'm so sure that's fascinating to you. Like, it literally just sounds so demeaning.

[Josh]

It's. It's like the same as someone describing, like, A food as interesting. Like, I know you hate it, and I know you don't like it. Just say you don't like it. Flavor is interesting. Like, you literally don't like it. Like, that's me to matcha. Like, I don't like matcha. I never will. It tastes like I'm drinking, like, cow chewed grass. Like, and that's.

[Drew Phillips]

I love matcha, though.

[Josh]

That's okay.

[Drew Phillips]

I love that bitter taste. Like, I can't stand a matcha. A lot of y' all don't even with matcha. Like, I understand matcha is all the rave right now, but a lot of y' all don't with matcha the way I do, and me and my girls do. Because why the are you adding blueberry, raspberry, like, all these things also? Actually, we need to talk about that. A lot of y' all are adding, like, raspberries to your coffee. What the are we talking about? Like, even the banana coffee, you're pushing it. Like, covering of coffee is pushing it.

[Josh]

But, like, they put bananas in the coffee.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Some people make banana syrup, which I will say actually does sound delicious for two sips. And then it sounds like it would give me an insane.

[Josh]

I really can't eat bananas.

[Drew Phillips]

It would give me heartburn.

[Josh]

Yeah, I get, like, welts on my tongue and throat when I eat bananas. Not in, like, a crazy way, like eating oysters, mussels, clams would. But, like, I literally like the enzymes or some, like, melt my tongue away.

[Drew Phillips]

I want. I really want the banana Fortnite crocs.

[Josh]

I was just saying that. Literally, the banana Fortnite Crocs, the battle bus crocs, the pink ones are the most horrifying piece of clothing I've ever seen created.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, to be fair, all of them are, like, terrible, terrifying.

[Josh]

But the banana ones are, like, terrifying.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I should tell my parents to get me that for Christmas. Wait, I need to send that to them. Also, Azul is kind. And don't with Azul, because I randomly looked up how much Azul costs. I found a Zool on the street, and Azul is like a paid experience of a cat. He's the dumbest cat I've, like, ever interacted with, dude. Azul randomly also, if you don't know, because I feel like I never talk about Azul anymore. Azul is my fucking cat. She has, like, become obsessed, actually. What's weird. Yeah, the older Zool gets, the more, like, a boy he starts to act to me. So now he's, like, kind of just been A boy for the past year, because he has become obsessed with cardboard boxes. Not in the way most cats are, where they get in it and they play and they're cute. Azul takes out this aggression that I've never seen an animal do. He doesn't eat it. He doesn't, like, swallow the cardboard, but he very meticulously. It's like he's a little Amazon worker. Like, he goes up to and he's like.

[Josh]

Like he just bites it and spits it out.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, he just bites it and spits it out and then plays with the cardboard pieces and then just like, circles around it like he killed something and walks away. And there's a cardboard box under my bed because I have all his canned food, like, shoved in this box under my bed. I'll be laying in bed and I just wake up to, like, under my bed, and it's like a thumping sound. And I go under my bed and it's just a Zool with two paws in the B.O. box. And then his, like, all the rim of it is plastic and chewed up cardboard. Also, he has started to eat my vinyl record. Yeah, he literally goes to, like, I have all of my records, like, leaned up against my desk. He goes. And he. It literally feels like he's picking something out, which I should start playing the records he pulls out and see if my cat can be smart. But that's not the case. He just.

[Josh]

He chose Evangelist.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, he chose Evangelist. And then the other one was. What's that? Yola Tango.

[Josh]

Also, he chewed a hole in an air mattress. Like, oh, yeah, like a dog.

[Drew Phillips]

We can't have air mattresses in the house because Azul finds them and he.

[Josh]

Finds them and he eats them.

[Kai]

Like, this is a munch.

[Josh]

He's the cat.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, it's an animal. I was looking at Azul today, and I was like, it is so funny how we just picked this animal to be, like, the animal. Like, cats and dogs are like that.

[Josh]

No, I don't. I don't think that. I think they chose us.

[Drew Phillips]

I knew they could control us.

[Josh]

I. I truly do think that, like, I really. That parasite study is crazy. And I know we all got. But I love cats in the craziest way. Like, I send it. I send at least three cat videos a day, like, to my friends and family. I love cats.

[Drew Phillips]

Beautiful cat. Ever so cute as the Z is beautiful. And when he looks at me with this face, I'm like, this cat.

[Josh]

I love how he has no neck.

[Kai]

Have you seen the kitten that says hello?

[Drew Phillips]

No.

[Kai]

Oh, Let me. Let me show you this.

[Josh]

Pull that hoe up, cuz. I need to see that.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh my God. I love aul, bro. I love him.

[Josh]

If you look up there, I found an aul whisker.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, really?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Whoa. It's long as hell.

[Kai]

Oh, this is it. This is it.

[Drew Phillips]

I think this is a whisker. Are you stuck? Hello.

[Josh]

I want a kitten.

[Drew Phillips]

Sometimes. Oh, I know. Sometimes I feel like Azul can say hello. And I'm not kidding because sometimes he does this very specific meow only when I'm in the bathroom and he's standing outside to get in.

[Josh]

He does not like the bathroom door closed. Cuz anytime I'm in there, he comes up and meows at it. And then like he knows it's me. Like a doesn't give a about me, actually a look, he loves me. He sleeps.

[Drew Phillips]

He just hates the bathroom door closed. Not that he likes to hang out in the bathroom, but he likes the option of going into a room where one of us is in there. Like, he doesn't like to be closed off. And I love him so much. He is so cute. And he loves the heated blanket. Like usually he lays up here and sleeps next to my shoulders, but since I have the heated blanket now, he'll like scrounge around and like lay half on me, half off me. And I love when I'm playing Fortnite and he comes and he lays across my lab like a little loaf. Oh my God. I literally love.

[Josh]

He's grown up so much in the last.

[Drew Phillips]

I know if when Azul dies, I think I'm going to kill myself. Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself.

[Josh]

Would you kill yourself if I died?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Okay, good.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, it doesn't take much.

[Josh]

Well, the last thing I want to talk about is family data plans. Did y' all have those?

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God.

[Josh]

Yeah, bro. Oh my God. Like, I forgot about the trauma that a family data plan caused me as like a kid that was obsessed with the Internet. I know every single month, three days in four days in our family would get a text in the family group chat saying that we've used 90 of our data plan. And then my sister figured out a way to call on her iPhone to see by number who's using the data. And every single time, without fail, it was me using 90% of the data before anybody could.

[Drew Phillips]

But it was also like, it felt like it took nothing. I genuinely remember getting being in school and it would be like the day after the VMAs and I need to see what people tweeted. And I'm on my phone just looking at Twitter and even just seeing gifs and fucking picture replies would take up so much of it, and it would destroy it. Also, did you ever have to, like, go in and check how much, like, of the data you've used?

[Josh]

Like, all the time. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, I would do it all the time. And it literally felt like undoing a bomb every time I was doing that, because even that felt like it was using data. Like, everything on my phone. Remember Minutes.

[Josh]

Yes. Or I didn't. No, no, no, no, no. I never had minutes. I mean, like, I did have minutes, but, like, I. I never used the phone.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I had minutes, but there was, like, minutes. And then there was something with. With, like, texting, too. Like, there was only a certain amount of, like, text. Yeah, Send. And. Oh, my God, I hated that, like, not being able to reply to my crush because I used up all my. And I would just have to go to school and be like, sorry I couldn't reply. Like, I literally.

[Josh]

Sorry I couldn't play 23 questions with you.

[Drew Phillips]

That's why kick was so popular, because it was, like, before, like. Like messenger. Oh, duh.

[Josh]

Y' all. I've been thinking a lot about the experiences I had from 14 to 17, even 18.

[Drew Phillips]

A lot of people are going to jail. A lot of people.

[Kai]

Wait, so these experiences happened, like, the first couple years of the podcast?

[Josh]

Yeah. Like, two years ago. Oh, three.

[Kai]

I didn't know that you were going through that.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, that big of a deal. He's being so.

[Josh]

Yeah, I'm being dramatic.

[Kai]

Yeah. Chill out, dude.

[Josh]

Okay, Wait, what is this?

[Drew Phillips]

If you. If you had to accept an award, do you think you would be, like, buzzfeed, like, thank you, humans, whatever? Or do you think you would be, like, very serious?

[Josh]

I'd probably take my shirt off.

[Drew Phillips]

I think I would want a Hope Core edit, so I would drop an insane amount of lore, and I would. Trauma. Actually, we need someone to do that. We need somebody to get up on that stage and accept a Grammy and just. Trauma.

[Josh]

Think no one. And just, like, say, like, the worst thing.

[Drew Phillips]

Destroy the vibe. Oh, my God. Yesterday, I had the saddest experience in the dispensary, and it was genuinely like. Oh, my God. It was so jarring. I pulled up, and this person, this guy parked right in front of me and walked in before me. And as I'm heading in, it's all glass windows, and I see him talking to the girl, and I just see him, like, drop his head and start, like, sobbing. And the girl comes around, who is helping him, who worked there, and hugged her, hugged him. And he was just like, when I came in, somebody else had to help me check my id because he, like, immediately also, it was like, I'm so sorry. I genuinely think this person was going through it. And I did feel so much empathy, but I couldn't help but find the humor and the fact that he was, like, sobbing so hard. He was like, I'll take this disposable pen, the 1 gram. And, like, was crying. I was like, this is such a crazy vibe. But it was really, really sad. And I wanted to say something to him because he was having the kind of saw that. I was like, this has to be somebody who's grieving somebody. And, like, there had to have just been, like, a word exchange. Like, maybe he hasn't seen anybody. And I felt so bad because he kept saying sorry. Which also, to hear a man say sorry so much, I was like, wow, like, there are one good one.

[Josh]

There's a one or one.

[Drew Phillips]

But, like, it was really jarring. But I need somebody to do what that guy did in the dispensary and, like, how he shifted the mood in there. I need him. Somebody to do that.

[Josh]

Just kill the vibe.

[Drew Phillips]

Just literally get up on stage, be like, this means so much to me. Because.

[Josh]

I think. Yeah, I was gonna say, I think I might just scream into the mic. Like, consume it and scream. Like, you remember what you used to do on, like, Xbox or, like, when you had to use wired headphones, and you could put the mic in your mouth and scream into it, and it would be the most deafening sound. That's my acceptance.

[Drew Phillips]

I still do that to my friends on Fortnite. I will literally just, like, join a party. Put the. Like, I have the PS5. I have a PS5.

[Josh]

Really?

[Drew Phillips]

So I just will put the controller into my mouth. It's kind of like I'm munching on the box of my controller, and then I'll just like. But I think it peaks out.

[Josh]

Yeah, it peaks out because you. There's certain microphones that people have found that are better for screaming. Screaming into. And it's like those ones that are like an earpiece right here that go.

[Kai]

Those always.

[Josh]

Yeah, those are, like, the go note of, like, screaming.

[Drew Phillips]

But, yeah, that guy was really scary, and it made me sad, and I wanted to say something, but I was like, honestly, the last time I spoke to a stranger who I thought was crying, it was embarrassing for me. So I'm not gonna do that. Even though this guy was obviously.

[Josh]

He'd probably follow you home.

[Drew Phillips]

The other. Yeah, that was. The other thing is I was like, I can't talk to this man because sadly, you can't be nice to me. You can't be nice to a man because he's gonna think that he's gonna marry you.

[Josh]

Well, I think the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Worse than my brother dying. Worse than my grandpa and grandma dying of COVID fumbling me who fumbled you.

[Drew Phillips]

You fumbled me because I wanted you. And then you were like, no, no, no, no.

[Josh]

You fumbled me. But look at me, you and look at me. Hello.

[Kai]

And just imagine me.

[Josh]

We should.

[Drew Phillips]

If they start doing it so that we could have a baby and, like, it would be in a test tube and not a surrogate, I would genuinely do that.

[Josh]

We could probably figure that out.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Josh]

I mean, we could probably combine our DNA in a test tube and then implant it in someone to carry it for us.

[Drew Phillips]

I just don't want someone else to carry my baby.

[Kai]

You should just fucking get pregnant. Have a baby then.

[Drew Phillips]

So that's all you think women are good for, is to have a fucking baby?

[Kai]

Not at all. Not at all. That's one of the many things that I celebrate. Women on Dune.

[Josh]

Kai, you're crazy for that.

[Drew Phillips]

I saw, like, discussion unfolding because of everything happening where it was talking about how so many people in this generation feel lost because the women aren't having kids. And just by human nature, we're supposed to have kids. First of all, kill yourself.

[Josh]

That's it exactly. I mean, we should collapse the population because, like, there's not going to be evil people to be in power. But whatever. Worse than Trump getting reelected. Worse than my bug dying into killing my bug, murdering it in cold blood is coming home from the drive through and not checking your bag before and realizing there's no sauce in that goddamn bag. I swear to God, that will quite literally ruin my week. Like, that ruins my.

[Drew Phillips]

The sauce.

[Josh]

Yes. Someone out there relates, like, the most important part of a meal to me is buffalo sauce. If I don't get buffalo.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, yeah, I guess, because you're just somebody who. You use food as a vehicle for condiments.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

You're not, like, eating food for this. The, like, flavor of the food. You're eating it to ranch or buffalo or, like, kewpie mayo. Because everything Drew eats, he slathered ranch.

[Josh]

Buffalo and QB mayo. Though I could literally survive on just those three.

[Drew Phillips]

The thing is, ranch alone kind of grosses me out. Like, ranch. There's, like, a very specific, like, the ranch in the bottle from the salad. For salads, that ranch.

[Josh]

Can I tell you something?

[Drew Phillips]

What?

[Josh]

I went into the refrigerator, like, three days ago, and there was a cup of ranch in there, and I literally drank it, licked it clean from Wingstop.

[Drew Phillips]

That is crazy, Drew. Like, the thing is, everybody knows online, it's like the ranch from Wingstop is goaded, but I don't think people are consuming it the way you've taken it to a level that it's genuinely like.

[Josh]

It's really. It's. I mean, I'm drinking.

[Drew Phillips]

It licks the bowl.

[Josh]

Like, No, I lick the lid.

[Drew Phillips]

He literally gets mad when I'm about to throw away, like, this level of ranch away after eating.

[Josh]

Hey, bro, I could use it.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God. The other day, I got a swing stop, and he was like. Like, they only gave us two things of ranch. As if that's not enough, you get three tenders. Like, you just want to drink the ranch. It's so weird. And then it, Like, I feel like most people order the big tub, and it feels wasteful because you get the big tub, and it's like, I'm not using all this ranch. I literally watch Drew, like, you know the mukbanger girls who, like, dunk it in and do it to, like, for the visual, like, nasty effects. Drew does that unironically without cameras. So far, his fingers get coated, like.

[Josh]

And then I lick my fingers clean. Oh, buffalo sauce, too.

[Drew Phillips]

Buffalo sauce is very good. It does, like, don't. Sauce to me tastes like what? When I know it is summertime, I get, like, a certain kind of sweat that comes out of my body. Buffalo sauce smells like that. Like, that very specific. Specific. Like. Like, spiked sweat stench.

[Josh]

So body odor.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Is what buffalo sauce is like, but in a really good way.

[Josh]

Buffalo sauce. But if you haven't tried it, do not try it, because you will live your entire life chasing that goddamn high. Like, the first time I had it, I knew a switch flipped into my brain, and I was like, this is what's gonna kill me. It's like, straight up my heroin. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, it really. Like, I'm chasing the magic dragon.

[Drew Phillips]

But you don't like buffalo sauce the way I do because I use the Buffalo wings from 7 11.

[Josh]

You don't know nothing about me in my buffalo sauce.

[Drew Phillips]

I will say you have to put me on sauce. Like, I wasn't. Like, I wasn't, like, a sauce connoisseur. Like, that before I met you. Also, you saying the coochie thing made me think of this. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Josh]

Elon Musk's body looks like an autopsy.

[Kai]

Was that a psyop?

[Josh]

No. I saw someone comment that on Tick Tock, and I thought it was quite literally the funniest thing I've ever.

[Kai]

Someone emailed that to the email, too.

[Josh]

Oh, really? It literally.

[Drew Phillips]

He's a what?

[Josh]

His body looks like an autopsy.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, so that's our curse of the week goes out to Elon Musk.

[Josh]

I had that written down.

[Drew Phillips]

You will wake up from a ferocious dream where you are on fire, only to wake up and realize you actually are on fire. And you are paying in real time for all of the sins against humanity you have created. And you will be dying soon, so count your days. If I put a curse on you, you're not making it, and I'm putting the curse on you. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish.

[Josh]

Oh, my God, he's so nasty. He's clear. Oh, my God.

[Kai]

He's clear.

[Josh]

He's clear, bro. Okay, I'm. I'm moving on. Drew Saya. I hate when say, like, it's a quarter till nine. Just say it's eight. 75. God damn, y' all stupid. I'm, like, shaking. That riled me up like, that really got me going.

[Drew Phillips]

It's okay. I cursed him. He's not gonna make it.

[Josh]

Yeah, we should buy everybody if we all bought Etsy spells. Okay, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Another night, no sex. I feel like an inmate. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to, why do you got to tell me you're hungry? Or. Wait a. I read that wrong. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to? Out of the eight dudes you're talking to, why do you have to tell me you're hungry?

[Drew Phillips]

You did read it like that the first time. That is exactly how you read it the first time.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

You just added a verbal comma this time. Ew.

[Josh]

Don't give me a kid. I'm a name. That spinach wheel.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm gonna name my kid Bethany Moda.

[Josh]

Bro, my kids names. I have them. I'm gonna have two girls, one boy. Karma Mantis. What's. What's the boy's name? Karma Mantis. Orchid. Orchid. Orchid. Karma Mantis is an orchid.

[Drew Phillips]

Or I'm gonna name my kid Mythic item.

[Josh]

Boogie Bomb Gold Scar.

[Drew Phillips]

Gold scar. Yeah, right, right.

[Josh]

Wait, hold on.

[Drew Phillips]

There's definitely somebody who's asked Chat GBT what they should name their baby, and they named the baby that.

[Josh]

Yeah, so far. And they buy Tesla cars. I can't read right now. I'm, like, actually having, like, trouble reading.

[Drew Phillips]

A. Trouble reading? Yeah, I can read for you. Why are you, as a man, getting up early? Rise and grind. The.

[Josh]

Are you grinding on a grinder?

[Drew Phillips]

Old people at weddings always poking you, saying you're next. So I started doing the same to them at funerals. I'm going to hell, bruh. That's a good one. Marriage is a death sentence.

[Josh]

Who sent those?

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, there's more. I know people be talking about me. It's okay, though, because I talk about y' all, too, and I'm way funnier. Sometimes the person you want isn't most isn't one you need you want.

[Josh]

Sometimes the person you want isn't Most isn't you. You one need you want the IS100 emoji.

[Drew Phillips]

Huh?

[Josh]

Huh? Suzanne. Shout out Suzanne.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God.

[Josh]

Shout out Suzanne. And shout out Madeline. And shout out Kelly H. Kelly.

[Drew Phillips]

8. Okay, my media of the week is. I'll tell you now, Lindsay Buckingham. Can't stop loving you, Soul Dog. Make love to Me, Carrie, Cleveland and Expecting to Fly, Buffalo Springfield.

[Josh]

Hey.

[Drew Phillips]

And then for movies, I watched Moonstruck with Nicholas Cage and Cher, and it was so good. It was just a hoot and a holler, and it was so charming. I miss when movies were charming.

[Josh]

Yeah, I miss, like, old romcoms.

[Drew Phillips]

It was cute.

[Josh]

I'm a. I'm a cinephile.

[Drew Phillips]

We really need to change that fucking word.

[Kai]

What is that called when you, like, are really excited about feet?

[Josh]

Pedophile.

[Kai]

Oh, it is.

[Drew Phillips]

Is that really what it is?

[Josh]

P E D I Ped. That's.

[Kai]

I didn't think that you were actually gonna follow through with that.

[Josh]

Oh, my God. Wait, hold on.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait. Is that actually what it is?

[Kai]

That's what I was setting him up for, but I thought he was gonna say something else. It has to be a different word.

[Josh]

It's gotta be. It's gotta be. But ped is like the.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Word for foot.

[Drew Phillips]

There's an old Zen here, and it's, like, grossing me out.

[Josh]

Zen?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Like, there's the stains. Look, I I the stains in this house, y' all. If you could see. If you could see the squalor we live in. It's really nasty. And I don't have media.

[Kai]

I have media. It's real. It's Real Media Microcosm by Veronica Everhart.

[Josh]

And I love that song.

[Kai]

Really. She's goaded. Microcosm by Veronica Everhart and Rock Solid by two Shell.

[Josh]

Well, chibamato. Sure. Moon Child. Like what the fuck do you want?

[Drew Phillips]

Bye.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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