Drew finally pooped

Summary

Emergency Intercom: Episode Summary – "Drew Finally Pooped"

Release Date: November 15, 2024

Hosts: Enya Umanzor, Drew Phillips, and Josh

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1. Introduction to the Episode

In the episode titled "Drew Finally Pooped," the comedic podcast Emergency Intercom delves into a relatable yet hilariously exaggerated personal ordeal. The episode centers around Josh's unprecedented struggle with constipation, which culminates in a triumphant yet painfully humorous resolution.

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2. Josh’s 26-Day Constipation Crisis

Josh opens up about an extreme case of constipation, detailing a harrowing 26-day period without a bowel movement. He humorously highlights the physical and mental toll it took on him:

Josh [03:03]: "I had 26 days of turds inside of my body, y'all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how horrible that is."

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3. Health Implications and Medical Interventions

As the situation worsens, Josh discusses the serious health risks associated with prolonged constipation. He mentions symptoms like low heart rates and the potential for severe medical complications, adding a layer of earnestness to the otherwise comedic narrative.

Josh [03:07]: "I know, I could have died. And who knows? Maybe I wanted to die full of shit. Like, maybe that was, like, my plan the whole time."

Drew empathizes with Josh’s predicament, comparing it to an over-the-top experience:

Drew [03:38]: "Which is so insane."

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4. The Moment of Relief: Finally Pooping

The climax of the episode arrives when Josh finally manages to have a bowel movement after two and a half weeks of discomfort. The description is both vivid and humorous, painting a graphic yet funny picture of his relief:

Josh [07:58]: "And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, my God, it's happening. And I like, sprint to the bathroom... I push for about like three seconds... and exploded into like, shrapnel."

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5. Emotional and Physical Aftermath

Post-relief, Josh experiences a mix of euphoria and emotional vulnerability. He reflects on how his body had adjusted to constant discomfort and the overwhelming sense of relief once the issue was resolved.

Josh [08:28]: "I wish everyone could feel the relief I fucking felt in that moment."

Drew adds a comedic twist by comparing Josh’s pooping experience to an overdramatic event:

Drew [11:56]: "The chicken nugget came from..."

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6. Comedic Interactions and Anecdotes

Throughout the episode, the hosts engage in lighthearted banter, enhancing the comedic value. They joke about the absurdity of the situation, Josh's detailed descriptions of his bowel movements, and the exaggerated reactions of those around him.

Drew [11:44]: "Or you say it's a chicken nugget, but you describe which fast food chain."

Josh continues to embellish his story with imaginative comparisons:

Josh [26:02]: "Elon Musk's body looks like an autopsy."

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7. Reflections on Daily Life and Body Functions

Towards the end of the episode, the conversation shifts to broader reflections on bodily functions and the often-overlooked importance of regular health practices. The hosts use humor to discuss serious topics, making the conversation both entertaining and thought-provoking.

Drew [32:35]: "Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh and, like, eating our favorite food and watching a TV show..."

Josh reinforces the idea by highlighting relatable daily struggles:

Josh [34:04]: "Life is only suffering from the second you're born to the second you die, you will suffer every single day, period."

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8. Conclusion

"Drew Finally Pooped" masterfully blends raw personal experiences with sharp comedic insights. By candidly sharing Josh’s severe constipation ordeal, the hosts not only entertain but also shed light on the importance of addressing health issues proactively—all wrapped in their signature humorous style.

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Notable Quotes:

• Josh [03:03]: "I had 26 days of turds inside of my body, y'all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how horrible that is."
• Josh [07:58]: "I push for about like three seconds... and exploded into like, shrapnel."
• Drew [11:44]: "Or you say it's a chicken nugget, but you describe which fast food chain."
• Josh [26:02]: "Elon Musk's body looks like an autopsy."
• Drew [32:35]: "Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh and, like, eating our favorite food and watching a TV show..."

---

This episode is a testament to Emergency Intercom’s ability to tackle even the most uncomfortable topics with humor and camaraderie, making it a must-listen for fans of candid and comedic conversations.

Transcript

[Drew]

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[Josh]

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[Drew]

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[Josh]

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[Drew]

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[Josh]

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[Drew]

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[Josh]

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[Drew]

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[Josh]

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[Drew]

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[Josh]

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[Drew]

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[Josh]

I finally I out of my ass, y'all. It was brutal.

[Drew]

True poops, guys, no more worries. No more comments suggesting fiber and water. Y'all were Although coming from the right place, it was very much giving. Why don't you just smile?

[Josh]

Yeah, drink more water and smile and.

[Drew]

You won't be like, wait, just like, eat a green. Like, get it moving, Drew.

[India]

You do look a lot prettier when you smile.

[Drew]

Oh, I got it.

[Josh]

Actually, no, don't do that. That's my thing. You don't get to hit him.

[Drew]

Oh, it's a sexual thing for you guys.

[Josh]

You don't get to hit him.

[Drew]

Sorry. Oh.

[Josh]

Oh.

[Drew]

Did the just fall?

[Josh]

Yeah. Guys, I finally. Well, I. Shit. When I was back in Texas, this was, like, almost two weeks at this point. Like a week. Yeah. I had 26 days of turds inside of my body, y'all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how horrible that is. Like, of course, like, a little here and there, but, like, for the most part, like, legitimately, 26 days of shit, like, inside of.

[Drew]

Which is so insane.

[Josh]

Which is, like, genuinely ridiculous. And I know. I know I could have died. I know, I know, I know. And who knows? Maybe I wanted to die full of shit. Like, maybe that was, like, my plan the whole time.

[Drew]

Wait, that's actually so embarrassing, because when you die, don't you, like, release everything?

[Josh]

I don't know. But that shit was not releasing. That was going to be stuck inside of me forever, bro.

[Drew]

The poor people at the morgue who would have had to, like, go through your body.

[Josh]

My autopsy, and they found out my toxic mega colon is, like, the cause of death. Yeah, well, 26 days of not shitting. What finally did it was I ordered colonoscopy prep from my internist, and it was on it. It was, like, really easy to get. And then when I told him how long it had been since I shit, he, like, kind of did a double take.

[Drew]

Yeah, he was like. He was like, wait, how many days, Andrew? Like, yeah, like, at that point, you had called him when you were like, it's like 17 days in. And even then, he was like, oh, how are you feeling? Like, it literally felt. It was the equivalent of when we went to the personal trainers and the guy took my heartbeat, and he was just like, are you okay? And he was like, your heartbeat is so low. And I was like, I'm fine. He was like, you had coffee or something today? I was like, yeah, I had coffee in a Celsius. And he was like, do you feel.

[India]

The way you're incredibly healthy, though?

[Josh]

That's what it means.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Having a low resting heart rate is good. I have a resting heart rate of 108 permanently, which is really dark.

[India]

Your heart rate when you're in bed on your phone is, like, two.

[Drew]

Literally, our heart rates. Like, my double my heart rate and pass it on to Drew, because that's literally what we have going on.

[Josh]

Yeah. And then when I stand up, it spikes to, like, 140 every time, and I almost pass out in the Kitchen. I can make it from my bedroom to the kitchen. And then I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to die. I'm actually going to die. But anyways, 26 days of. I weighed myself before, and I have a picture of me on the scale. I weighed 157, and I typically, like, on average, weigh, like, I fluctuate between, like, 144 and 148. Like, typically at 144, like, that's. That's, like, my baseline. I can get to, like, 138if I'm, like, really depressed or some shit. But, like, 144 is, like, my base weight.

[Drew]

It's the base weight that you're always trying to be and, like, gain weight above that.

[Josh]

How. How much shit was inside of me? How. I forgot how many pounds.

[Drew]

You went from 1:57 to 142. So it's like £15.

[Josh]

I had £15 of inside of me, y'all. £15 pounds of inside of my body. That is straight up.

[Drew]

I wonder how much, like, your body wasn't even digesting anything. Like, it wasn't, like, taking. Or I guess it had to have been taking in the nutrients.

[Josh]

That's your life. That's the problem is it was just, like, lodged in there, so it was just, like, sucking it dry until it was literally like bricks inside of my body. Y'all, I'm going to. Actually. I'm not going to spare the details. I'm going to go all the way in. Like, I drank it around 9am Because I was like, I want to be shitting. I don't want to be shitting throughout the night. Whatever. Drank it at 9am was the most nauseous I've ever been in my entire life. My mom popped into the room because I was just, like, so sick. And she was like, I literally thought I was going to take you to the hospital because you. You were clear. I was like. She was, like, freaking me out. And I was like, I feel, like, nauseous, but I don't feel terrible. And she was like, no, you looked horrible. Well, like, no shit, nothing. Just, like, horrible, horrible gut pain all day long until, like, 8pm and me and my mom were sitting on the couch, and she was like, drew, I think it's time to go to the er. And I was like, yeah, I think you're right. And I was like, let me rest for, like, two more hours. And I swear to God, at 10:00pm If I don't shit, I'll go to the Hospital.

[Drew]

Wait, you took it at 9am and you still hadn't shit by like 10pm?

[Josh]

Yeah, it was like all. It was all day. Like it was melting away in my body. Well, I'm laying in my parents bed, it's like 9ish in their room. And I'm just like. We're watching whatever. I'm like on the edge of their bed. And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, my God, it's happening. And I like, sprint to the bathroom across the house and I sit on the water.

[India]

Broke?

[Josh]

Yes, my water literally broke. I get to the bathroom and I push for about like three seconds. And then tmi, but I'm not kidding, a cannonball sized, like this big, I'm guessing, like shot out of my ass at mock speeds, hit the toilet bowl and exploded into like, shrapnel. And like, I literally was like, in so much pain. I wish I could describe you the pain I felt.

[Drew]

Well, the way you described it to me and Josh.

[Josh]

I'm gonna get there. It literally, it was horrible. Like, it was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. And then right after, like, right after I proceeded to become the most euphoric. Like, what I remember, like, painkillers feeling like when I was abusing them. Like, I straight up felt, like, genuinely euphoric. I felt like God was licking the inside of my skull and my body. Like it was crazy. Like, it was so. I wish everyone could feel the relief I fucking felt in that moment. And it was like you felt the.

[Drew]

Joy only felt by somebody like Frankie Grande feels on the.

[Josh]

Exactly, exactly. Frankie Grande on the wicked carpet with that fucking hair, bro. But I didn't realize, like, how much pain I was in day to day. Like, it was like in that moment I realized and I started crying because I was like, oh, my God. Like, I was hurting so bad and now I feel so fine. But like, just like, I guess over time it just like gradually, like.

[Drew]

Yeah, you, like, acclimated to it. Like every day the pain would build up a little and by the end of the day, you were like, this is just my new pain.

[Josh]

Yeah, I might have set a fucking world record, but yeah.

[Drew]

Have you looked up to see what the longest, like, somebody's ever been? Constantly.

[Josh]

They're all dead. Oh, they're all dead. I went the longest and survived, y'all.

[India]

Wait, so the colonoscopy prep worked?

[Josh]

It worked down.

[India]

See, this is why people say prep is so important.

[Drew]

I don't know if that's like, what?

[Josh]

No, they mean, huh? Like, prep.

[Drew]

Like the drug.

[India]

Like, oh, okay, I'm the medication. I'm trying to do the work.

[Josh]

Yeah, yeah. Respect, Respect.

[Drew]

You're learning something.

[Josh]

But slowly but surely, I. I proceeded to. All day or the rest of the night, into the night. Woke up the next day, was supposed to get on a flight. Canceled that bitch. Because I was like, I cannot get on a flight.

[Drew]

Oh, If I got on a light and you were sitting next to me and, like, getting up all the time, I bet you started to smell like shit.

[Josh]

Yeah, no, I probably did. It was coming out of my pores. Like, it was straight up. Was horrible.

[Drew]

Well, no, the thing. The way you described it to me and Josh was you said it felt like a foam football coming out of your.

[Josh]

No, that was the shit that I had here. Oh, here I'm regular now. And I hadn't shit for, like, four days after that, and I was getting worried, and then a foam football shot out of my ass. But. And then I was like, oh, wait, I'm regular. And it looked healthy.

[Drew]

Me and Josh were saying, like, it is so jarring how, like, most people just poop, and you get it over with. Like, I am blessed with, like, a body that just, like, does its job, and I poop all the time. So, like, there's not really much to describe. Like, it's. It's every few months where I'm like, oh, my God, this is, like, a describable moment. I must tell the world. The world being running to your room and telling you about it or saying it in the group chat. But you. Since, like, pooping is such a miraculous. It's a fee event for you. Yeah, it's literally, it is the equivalent to climbers who finally get to the top of Mount Everest. Your descriptors are so insanely detailed that I can think of multiple poops you've had. Like, they will live on my mind, like, memory.

[Josh]

And I describe them, like, perfectly. That's the craziest thing I know. And I sit there and I'm like, that was a foam football coming out of my ass. Or that was like a softball shooting out at Mont.

[Drew]

Or you say it's a chicken nugget, but you describe which fast food chain.

[Josh]

The chicken nugget came from. Yeah.

[Drew]

That is not real.

[India]

Every advertiser just bailing on the show.

[Drew]

That is not real, Drew.

[Josh]

Dude, it's. That's real water for straight up. Like, I'm not kidding, like, seven seconds.

[Drew]

I mean, I. I believe you, because when Drew came back from Texas Every time we would be talking, he was like, hold on, I have to fart, so I'm gonna go to the bathroom. And he would run to the bathroom to make sure he didn't. His pants. Oh, my God.

[Josh]

I have no.

[Drew]

I can't. Like, I seriously can't. As much as we talk about poop and stuff, like, it literally, like, I don't. Like, I really am not down with the scat shit. Like, y'all. Is scat the thing. Like, poop? Yeah, we're like, worse. Low key. Serving the scat.

[Josh]

After I. I sent a picture to Kai of my back and I had welts all over my body.

[Drew]

I thought you were going to say you had shot up your back.

[Josh]

I exploded out of my diaper.

[India]

There's. There's like, a soundboard on here. We could load that up.

[Drew]

We should load it up with your poop sounds.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Man, that is amazing.

[Josh]

It was iconic. It truly was. Genuinely like what I imagine, like an opium den for three days. Feels like. Like, I. For real, felt like. Like I was. I had the zoomies after. Like, I was running around the house. Like, I didn't know I couldn't run. Like, I didn't know I wasn't, like, performing well at the gym.

[India]

Like, you're feeling the beauty of giving birth.

[Josh]

No, exactly. I. That's genuinely in the moment. I was like, oh, my God, I just gave birth to, like, a seven pound baby after that.

[India]

Have you experienced any postpartum depression?

[Josh]

Yes. I miss. I miss being pregnant with 15 pounds of shit. I miss being able to talk about it, because I won't be able to talk about it.

[Drew]

I know now you have nothing to complain. Now Drew's new complaints. Like, I just feel like shit. Like, it's just literally, like, just like my body, I just feel.

[Josh]

But I love basketball. Like, at least.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. I was watching a movie last night, and I, like. Josh and Drew were hidden in their room. I was sitting on the couch watching a movie, and I paused for a second to look at my phone for my interlude. It's kind of like at the opera when they let you go out and breathe a fresh breath of air.

[Josh]

Yeah, you can't. You can't finish a whole movie without looking at.

[Drew]

Without looking at my.

[Josh]

Like, I simply must.

[Drew]

So I pause, and when I pause is exactly when I heard Drew stop talking. And I hadn't heard Drew alive all day. He's been. He was in his room all day, and the only thing I heard was, oh, I just love basketball. Like, that was All I heard was just. I, like, the whole time I was like, them talking back and forth, and Josh wasn't really saying much. He was like, oh, what? Like, that's crazy. And, like, Drew is doing the thing where he just, like, starts shooting facts at you, and then he goes, I don't know. I just love basketball. And then I heard his door close.

[Josh]

I really do. It's like my lifeline. I truly think it's the only reason why I'm alive. And I got compared to Reed shepherd on my Drew's look alikes account.

[Drew]

I don't know who that is.

[Josh]

He's just a rookie for the Rockets this year.

[Drew]

Would be a rookie.

[Josh]

Yeah. No, period. But everyone was saying, this is what India saw. And Drew, if you want to see him.

[Drew]

Oh, I saw that.

[Josh]

Yeah. I didn't think he really looked like me that much, but he's. He's the safest rookie. And I was a baddie, you know?

[Drew]

Now you're hot. You were a baddie. Now you're hot. We talk about this all the time. Drew will randomly just be like, I'm ugly. And then I get offended because I've multiple times told Drew that if I saw him, like, my vibe of Drew is if I didn't know Drew and I was at a party and he came into the group, I would try to make him laugh for his attention, but I would never prove pursue. Yeah, but that's, I think, the highest form of compliment. Yeah, it's like, you're too hot. I don't really.

[Josh]

Trisha called us models, and I'm not kidding. I looked in the mirror after I heard that clip, and I was like, wow, I am pretty, but I'm hot in the mirror. But in real life and in photos, I'm really scared.

[Drew]

That's not true.

[Josh]

Like, that's. That's.

[India]

I wouldn't work on this podcast if you guys are ugly. Straight up.

[Drew]

Honestly. I agree.

[Josh]

I agree. I fully agree.

[Drew]

I literally agree. Like, I can't say that.

[Josh]

How is it that loud? We've been trying to fix it, and now it's louder.

[Drew]

No, it's louder. Also, our heater, I turned it on yesterday, and it was buzzing really loud, and I was like, oh, my God. All of my fears of the house exploding are going to come to fruition. So I turned it off, and I just suffered in the freezing cold.

[Josh]

Our house is fucking freezing.

[Drew]

It is constantly without the 66 degrees in the house at every waking fucking.

[Josh]

The first thing India says when she wakes up every morning, she walks out her door and she's like, oh, it's so cold. Without fail, every.

[Drew]

Because every morning it shocks me because I got a heated blanket, which has genuinely changed shifted life.

[Josh]

I like sleeping in your bed.

[Drew]

I'm obsessed with the heated blanket. I am still fearful that it's going to cook me in my sleep, but I found out this morning that it turns off automatically after three hours, so that's good. But then I wake up freezing.

[Josh]

Like, you're going to get those, like, skin veins that I. I honestly don't.

[Drew]

Give a. I'll just get like permanent airbrushing on my legs. I was thinking about that the other day. Like, I have no plans on ever getting surgeries. Especially in my, like, younger years. I'm untouched. Okay.

[Josh]

Like, right, yeah. And is untouched.

[India]

You both have gotten so much work done.

[Drew]

I know. I.

[India]

It's irresponsible to say this.

[Drew]

I just can't stop getting work done. I just can't stop.

[Josh]

I just can't stop coming. I don't think people know that reference, but I say it all the fucking time. I've said it multiple times on a stage in front of a bunch of college students. What we're referencing when we just. When we say I just can't stop coming is like, about five years ago, Nikocado Avocado posted an IG story promoting his onlyfans where he scribbled out like maybe 40% of it. And you could fully see his, like, wiener on hard coming. And he literally just like, was like, I just can't stop coming. I don't know, it's just like, it's.

[Drew]

The craziest thing ever. You know what it is? It's the first time I've heard a man say something like that's equivalent to like, what they have cam girls saying. Yeah, like, it's such a chatterbait ass ad.

[Josh]

Like, I just can't stop coming.

[Drew]

But fuck, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah, I haven't gotten any work done yet. That is what I want to preface yet, trust and believe. The second I turn 50, I'm going fucking banana.

[Josh]

And the work is going to be so good.

[Drew]

I know by then it's going to be unseen. You all are going to have to like. I mean, to be fair, by 50, I quite literally don't think anybody will give a single fuck about.

[Josh]

So the world will be on fire.

[Drew]

Yeah, we won't make it that far with climate change and everything, so whatever. But if we do, I will be getting surgery and there will maybe be like one or two of you who remembers that I exist and you'll go through and find my IG where I'm getting like 1:1 like in a comment from a family member. And it's just me looking exactly like this still. It's like the Christina Aguilera thing.

[India]

Like, that shit is crazy.

[Drew]

It's very creepy. It is very, very weird.

[Josh]

She's respecting the substance, babe. She's respecting the balance.

[Drew]

I the thing is, I don't know if I want to go that crazy. Like, I don't know if I want to go that crazy. Like I don't want to look 25, I just want to look 50.

[Josh]

But yeah, well, I would never touch my body.

[Drew]

This is. No one else would either.

[India]

It's not true.

[Drew]

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[Josh]

Hey, guys. We wanted to take a quick break to thank another sponsor of today's video Shipstation. Y'all, in the three years we've been doing this podcast, it has grown exponentially from merch sales to events to shows. And we all deliver that to you through the Internet.

[Drew]

Internet.

[Josh]

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[Drew]

Wearing that poop hat, and I almost didn't realize it because it just looks like your hair. Oh, yeah, because it looks like shit.

[Josh]

Oh, well, I got a shot collar.

[Drew]

Oh, is that because we were talking about that. Wait, does it vibrate or shock?

[Josh]

Vibrates and shocks and I thought we could try it for the first time on here, but I felt it shock my finger, and I think it actually might stop my brain and heart.

[Drew]

Okay. I don't know, but if it's.

[Josh]

If it's kind of like dog. It's kind of kind like after.

[India]

You should put on your nuts after.

[Josh]

Huh?

[India]

What? I didn't say anything. All right, wait.

[Josh]

Be careful because it's on. Or maybe it's not, but I'm so scared. I don't know if I can do this, actually.

[Drew]

Oh, it's just. It's vibrating.

[Josh]

No, it's.

[Drew]

It shocks vibrating. No, this one shocks.

[India]

Okay. Bark for me, Drew.

[Josh]

No, I actually, I can't do it, I don't think. It's not on my skin yet. Wait, I don't want you to do it.

[Drew]

Wait, I'll put it down. Wait, it's like, literally not letting me put it down.

[Josh]

You have to click the top button in, and then.

[Drew]

I'll just do the vibrator.

[Josh]

Very Vivian Westwood.

[Drew]

Like, I don't think so.

[Josh]

Wait, chill, chill.

[Drew]

That one's. It's a four.

[Josh]

I know it's not on my skin yet, but, like, I don't trust you.

[Drew]

Okay, okay, look.

[Josh]

Level one My hair won't let me tighten this.

[Drew]

Level one.

[Josh]

Okay, but wait. It's not on my skin yet.

[Drew]

Squid game.

[Josh]

I'm gonna have a. What the Was that just.

[Drew]

You could do sounds, too. This is just abuse.

[Josh]

I'm, like, actually gonna have a conniption fit.

[Drew]

Did y'all want walkie talkies really bad as kids?

[Josh]

Yes.

[Drew]

Everybody wanted, like, a really good walkie talkie so bad. Like, wait, we should get walkie talkies because we text across the house.

[Josh]

That would be fun. Wait, something just. Did a turd fall down my shirt?

[Drew]

Oh, did a turd fall of.

[India]

Turd fell there. They're all falling down. Honestly, what the.

[Josh]

I feel like I'm, like, actually losing my mind.

[India]

Oh, that one's.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. It's like. It's, like rolling down the wall.

[Josh]

What song did I sing earlier? I made a joke earlier about them falling. Oh, this is really bad.

[India]

Oh, linger.

[Josh]

No. I don't know. We all have a rizzler.

[Drew]

Okay, I'm gonna do one.

[Josh]

Is it shocking?

[Drew]

No. No.

[Josh]

Oh, vibrating. I don't care about that. Literally feels like nothing.

[Drew]

Should I bump it up?

[Josh]

It. I mean, the vibrating is not going to hurt at all. It's just supposed to, like, scare me. But wait, why is it, like, actually, like, like, it doesn't hurt?

[Drew]

Okay, hold it away from you because I'm going to do.

[India]

You got a shock. You got to squeal like a pig.

[Drew]

Oh, wait. Okay. This is level one.

[Josh]

I actually don't know if this is a good idea.

[Drew]

Just touch it.

[Josh]

I did, and it hurt so bad on level one. Yes. It felt like I was being, like, stabbed by a bee.

[Drew]

Okay, then maybe we shouldn't play with this.

[India]

Yeah, I don't want you to get hurt.

[Josh]

Actually, wait, hold on. I keep feeling things. I'm like, literally, you're going crazy.

[Drew]

Okay, should I go?

[Josh]

Yeah. Oh, like, it's not that bad. It just, like, Ew.

[Drew]

The sound you made was crazy.

[Josh]

No, if I go any higher, I might, like, actually stop my heart. Oh, fuck.

[Drew]

Really?

[Josh]

Yes.

[Drew]

I guess dogs have, like, fur and, like, other things. It's, like, straight to the source with you.

[Josh]

I didn't. I pulled it away. I was too scared. It's not on me yet. Wait, turn it up to 10.

[Drew]

10? I don't think for shock.

[Josh]

Just turn it up. Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Shock. It goes to level 99, and it has a hazard sign.

[India]

You were on one out of 99.

[Josh]

Wait, do. Do 10. Okay.

[Drew]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is happening? It's like. It's like F3. F4. Oh, wait, no, that's for the sound frequency 4.

[Josh]

Okay, I'm ready.

[India]

Oh, Anya, what did you put it to?

[Drew]

I did. It's at 10.

[India]

Is it at. Are you sure it's at 10 and not 100? Because he just pissed himself. He pissed his pants.

[Drew]

Good. This is what you get when you fuck with me, bitch. Yeah. How are you still bruised from the cupping?

[Josh]

Am I?

[Drew]

Actually, yeah, you still have the spots from the cupping. Also, I, like, didn't have a good reaction because I actually thought I just killed you. So, like, that silence was me actually being like. My first thought was like, I need to leave soon. Like, and I just killed Drew, so I can't leave. And I was like, I'm gonna have to text everyone I know.

[Josh]

Kidding me.

[Drew]

Well, no, because I was your first. I was, like, reorganizing my, like, plans. I was like, okay, well, I can't leave. I have to take Drew to the hospital. And then I was like, would I be able to make that? I was like, no, I have to be in the hospital.

[India]

Why are you mad about a woman getting her bag and being independent?

[Drew]

Exact. Exactly.

[Josh]

I just died.

[Drew]

You actually didn't bit your dramatic. You're all right.

[Josh]

Your turn. In ya.

[Drew]

Hell no. Hell. Hell, no.

[India]

No, I'm actually scared of any pain.

[Drew]

Okay. I'm going to say something that's really going to strike a chord with a lot of people, because I know. I have a feeling that a lot of people in our audience are just going to feel attacked by this. I fear that Legos are just a Stanley type finesse. And everyone who is involved with being obsessed with Legos, you have accidentally joined a cult. Legos are not that interesting. They're also, like, the craziest plastic machine I've ever seen. And it just reminds me of Stanley's like, okay, I saw a Lego wreath. Like a Lego Christmas wreath. Get a.

[Josh]

No. The flowers are so cute.

[Drew]

The flowers I'll let slide. But now they're doing everything. Everything is Lego. Everything.

[Josh]

Did you see the cats?

[Drew]

The Coraline house? I haven't seen the cats.

[Josh]

The cats are so cute.

[Drew]

Get a plushie. Like the Lego.

[Josh]

No, the building is like, the part of it that's fun.

[Drew]

I just can't get with the Legos. And to me, I literally see it. Like, the people who collect Stanley cups. Yeah. It just doesn't. Like, Legos don't strike a chord of joy for me.

[Josh]

Let the Lego cats vote.

[Drew]

Well, that's a good one. That's a good one. I like the OG little. Just like regular Legos. This grand scheme, it literally feels like, so Mary Kay and Ashley. Not Mary Kate and Ashley, Mary Kate makeup. Like, it feels like that to me. It feels very Avon. It feels very culty. It feels like at one point someone's going to start knocking on my door and asking if I want to buy, like, my Lego voting ballot, my Lego absentee ballot. Like, it's just bleeding into everything. Everything is Lego and I don't like it. I just don't like it.

[Josh]

I have to disagree, but we can agree to disagree. I think Legos are goats. I think they're the go. Like, the dune LEGO set is so fucking cool. Like, hello.

[Drew]

But to me, Legos are like my puff bar. I look at this, I'm like, how many of these are sitting in landfills? And then I look, I feel really bad. And then I remember that there are people who buy a LEGO set a month, and there's 8 million pieces just everywhere on the planet. And it makes me feel better, honestly.

[Josh]

I think, what the fuck? Where did my dad.

[Drew]

What?

[Josh]

My dad texted me some weird shit. Well, people who think being gay is a choice are actively choosing not to be gay.

[Drew]

So you're gay.

[Josh]

So that's a gay tendency. I love gay tendencies. Like eating kiwis. That's gay tendencies.

[Drew]

Eating kiwis. What else is a gay tendency?

[Josh]

I guess riding passenger while your girl is driving, that's gay tendencies.

[Drew]

Watching music videos to wind down for the night is definitely gay tendencies.

[Josh]

Watching men play football is gay tendencies.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Josh]

I got a football team rooting for a football team.

[Drew]

I literally got a football edit.

[Josh]

Yes. Fire.

[Drew]

And although it was moving, I will still never partake in the consumption of sports because it actually means nothing to me. Like, it should be illegal to record the losing team. Like, seriously, they just lost. Like, now you're gonna put a camera in their face. And there's always a compilation of the team.

[India]

Like, the best is when it's like the confetti that's colored.

[Josh]

Like, the other team, they're just, like.

[Drew]

Walking through and it's like they're just. And the more I think about it, I don't know what brings me joy.

[Josh]

Your vape? Me.

[Drew]

My heated blanket.

[Josh]

Your heated blanket. No, and I'm not kidding. I was laying in bed a couple nights ago thinking about, like, what I am truly passionate for and, like, what I would do for the rest of my life, like, and enjoy it. And I have nothing. I have nothing. I have nothing. I like.

[Drew]

Well, okay. That's. I think that is the scam. And this is going to sound so Tumblr, Twitter, brain coded. But something I try to remind myself is being such a sad, sad, sad child who went through harsh things. I always had this very grand idea of what happiness was, and I thought when I had it, I would know it and I wouldn't second guess it. But literally, at this point, I feel like happiness is a construct that is being sold to us so that we never stop in the hamster wheel that is life, that we keep, keep, keep just destroying ourselves and trying to search for that.

[Josh]

But happiness is the little things.

[Drew]

Yeah. It literally is not this big thing. Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh and, like, eating our favorite food and watching a TV show or watching stupid YouTube videos. That, to me, now, I can accept that is the peak joy I will ever feel, because it's like being on.

[Josh]

My iPhone for 14 hours a day. That is pure happiness. Like, y'all, I'm not even joking. Like, I love being on my phone right now. It's, like, really bad. But then there will be moments when I'm, like, 200 videos deep on this random person from, like, Arkansas TikTok account that has 200 followers, and I, like, know everything about their life. And I knew what, like, fucking donuts they ate in the morning, and I was just like, actually, like, what am I doing? Like, truly. And I'll, like, actually launch my phone across my room. Like, if you ever hear something, like, hit the floor in my room, it's my phone flying across. Because I, like, literally can't just lock it and set it down. I have to, like, physically launch it out of my hands.

[Drew]

I know. I've seen you do it. And I remember one time you did it, and Josiah was like, oh. And went and picked it up and gave it back to you, and you were like, no. And you threw it back. Like, okay, dramatic.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Come into my room and be like, I need to detox from my phone. I'm getting off my phone. We need to leave the house. And I'm like, okay. And I'm sitting there, like, on my phone or doing something in my room. And two seconds later, he goes, I'm withdrawing. I really want to look at my phone right now. Bitch, it's been, like, three seconds, and you're with a human right now.

[Josh]

I legitimately get iPhone withdrawals. Like, I need to go to rehab for my fucking phone. But back to the happiness conversation. Life is only suffering from the second you're born to the second you die, you will suffer every single day, period. That's the end of it. I'm fucking kidding. I mean, it is. It surely is. I'm about to start crying because everything bad that can happen to me has been happening to me.

[Drew]

Yeah. I'm just excited for this year to get wrapped up. Although next year and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that doesn't seem like the most promising next few years.

[Josh]

It's always unstable. You really never know.

[Drew]

You just don't know.

[Josh]

And I'm 17 next year, and we all know about the 17 club. People die when they're 17, and who knows? Maybe I'll die.

[Drew]

Do you think they're going to penalize Chapel Roan for contributing to population decline?

[Josh]

Penis lies because she's a lesbian.

[Drew]

Mm.

[Josh]

Hopefully.

[Drew]

Because I was watching SNL and I was like, oh, my God, I love her so much. She's so awesome. And then I released, Like, I was rewatching it a few days after the election, so I was really, really spiraling because. No, I just was. And I was like, oh, my God, what if we get to a point that she, like, gets, like, fined for saying that women are better than men on tv? Which. Guys, it's not gonna happen. Seriously. Okay? We need to move on, because I'm actually gonna start freaking out.

[Josh]

Well, Australia's PR team is a fucking shit show, because I literally haven't seen a single positive thing about living there. Like, not one. There's a hole in the ozone layer that's melting people's fucking skins off. There's spiders everywhere, like, literally eating people alive. There's, like, the most poisonous snakes in the world.

[Drew]

Just, like, living like an inhabitable.

[Josh]

You shouldn't be there. It's inhospitable. It's literally, you should not be there. Like, I think there's, like, something, like three cities where, like, 99% of the population lives, and then the rest is just, like, literally, like, mad Max level of desert, where it's just like, literally, you can't survive out there. And then also, don't even get me fucking started about the goddamn flies, bitch. You have to wear, like, fucking fly hats, because these flies are, like, attracted to the CO2 leaving your body, so they just, like, attack your face and try to get in your nose, eyes, mouth, and ears. So you have to wear these hats, like, when you just go outside. And then also, those fucking birds, the magpies. Like, the fucking magpies. If you ride your bike down the road, magpies will swoop down and try. No, they try to eat your eyes out of your skull. I'm not kidding. Like, they literally. There's videos of people, like, where magpies are just, like, fucking attacking them.

[Drew]

Yeah. I've seen a girl walking. Like, there's this girl who runs and she always is trying out new hats to see if she gets attacked. I'm like, at what cost? Why do you live there? Like, I don't understand.

[Josh]

I mean, honestly, how are they going to get out? Because, like, every flight is literally 24 hours away.

[Drew]

Like, and it's also $8,000 to leave.

[Josh]

Yeah. But the surfing's nice. Let's say a couple nice things. The surfing.

[Drew]

I don't know anything about Australia.

[Josh]

It's probably easy to tan.

[India]

I think their economy is strong. I heard that.

[Josh]

Strong economy. Yeah.

[Drew]

Weird accent.

[India]

But what I don't like about Australia is that Australian guys are always tall and strong and they'll beat me up. Like, every Australian person I've ever met. Yeah. Has, like, pulled my pants down and, like, beat me up and humiliated me.

[Drew]

How often do you meet guys from Australia?

[Josh]

I saw Jordan Barrett once.

[Drew]

Who's Jordan Barrett?

[Josh]

The modder.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. Oh, the scary guy.

[Josh]

Yeah, he's Australian. Yeah. He got caught stealing cigarettes.

[Drew]

Another bad PR stunt from Australia.

[Josh]

He got caught stealing cigarettes and he got casted for it. Oh.

[Drew]

When he was younger, I thought, like, now, because I was like, girl, why are you stealing cigarettes now? Now you're just bored.

[Josh]

No, I saw.

[Drew]

He is the weirdest looking person ever. And I'm sorry, I. I'd like, God bless.

[Josh]

But, like, no, PSL is different from appeal.

[India]

He is. He is weird looking. But I do. I'm like, fuck, I look so much like him that maybe I'm just projecting. Like, that is your.

[Josh]

That is your twin.

[India]

That's kind of my twin.

[Drew]

That was your twin. I would be grossed out.

[Josh]

Like, no, you're. You're more like Chico. Twin coated. You got chico vibes.

[Drew]

Who's that?

[India]

Chico?

[Josh]

He's like, appeal versus, like, Jordan Barrett's psl. Chico's appeal.

[Drew]

You know what I just thought of when we were at the store and you were like, yeah, that's a cheat code. And the girl thought you said, oh, my God.

[Josh]

We were at the store and this girl, like, knew who we were and she worked there. And if you're listening to this, I fucking loved your energy. You were a fucking vibe. Like, you were lit. And she was just, like, chatting us up and we were just, like, talking about, like, what we had been up to. And she was like, oh, my God. Y'all were like, randomly in fucking Arizona for the Urban Outfitters thing. Like, I went there and I had friends there and they saw you and it was all. It was crazy. And then I can't remember how it got there. I think she was, like, talking about.

[Drew]

Like, people go to the school to, like, go to a party.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew]

So you could, like, get a scholarship and then just go fuck off and, like, party.

[Josh]

Yeah. And get a. That's chico. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's a cheat code.

[India]

I do not look like this guy.

[Josh]

I know you don't.

[India]

I fucking wish.

[Josh]

Yeah, you don't look like him at all. This is appeal.

[India]

This is so handsome. Makes me depressed.

[Josh]

Like, this is their other.

[Drew]

God, I hate men who look like that.

[Josh]

I think he's so cute looking, but I would never. I need like a 46 year old.

[Drew]

Like, if I'm gonna find a man attractive, he has to have, like, a bit of character to his face and look like.

[Josh]

I scars.

[Drew]

I can't stand, like, a Roblox, like, dressed to him looking. I can't stand it.

[India]

Well, me and Drew are obsessed with looking like that, so. And we'll do whatever it takes.

[Drew]

Crazy.

[Josh]

I'm gonna get. I've been bone smashing.

[Drew]

I was gonna say guasha is the girl equivalent to bone smashing.

[India]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Because I saw a girl on my timeline who had guac so hard all her blood vessels had popped. And all the comments were like, girl.

[Josh]

Chill the out. But anyways, this girl was like. Or I was like, oh, like, that's such a cheat code. Like a cheat code to a video game. And she was like, yeah, that's so Chico. And then I was like, yeah, yeah, it's a cheat code. And I like, enunciated. And she's like, yeah, that is so Chico.

[Drew]

When we left, we were laughing so hard because I was like, okay, what would that even imply? I don't want to know what it would imply. But also just the idea that, like, Drew Phillips is in a store saying that. So Chico.

[Josh]

Yeah, we need to make Chico. I'm assuming she had, like, a friend named Chico. Where there's like a legend Chico legend at the campus or something, and she.

[India]

Or maybe she's a member of mogwarts.

[Josh]

Mogwarts Academy.

[Drew]

K. Shami, you have your Harry Potter hat on. Isn't that the hat that, like, chooses people?

[Josh]

That's the sorting hat. What are you. I feel like you're Slytherin about me and is Slytherin.

[India]

Harry's Gryffindor.

[Josh]

I'm sorry, I'm Slither bone.

[India]

What? What was that?

[Josh]

Slither bone.

[Drew]

That making you laugh so hard. It's crazy, right? Right. Well, I think I've decided that somebody saying something is fascinating is the most condescending thing ever. Like, it's interesting in movies where they're like, fascinating. Okay, bitch? Because one, it's not. Two, you're being fucking condescending as fuck. And, like, if I told my story, like a story to somebody and all they were to say in reply was, that's fascinating. That's fascinating. I would fucking hit them. Fascinating to me is a fight word. Like, oh, that's fascinating. I'm so fucking sure that's fascinating to you. Like, it literally just sounds so demeaning.

[Josh]

It's like the same as someone describing, like, a food as interesting. Interesting. Like, I know you hate it and I know you don't like it. Just say you don't like it.

[Drew]

He say, it's not your body.

[Josh]

Flavor is interesting. Like, you literally don't like it. Like, that's me to matcha. Like, I don't like matcha. I never will. It tastes like I'm drinking, like, cow chewed grass. Like, and that's okay.

[Drew]

I love matcha, though.

[Josh]

That's okay.

[Drew]

I love that bitter taste. Like, I can't stand a matcha. A lot of y'all don't even with matcha. Like, I understand matcha is all the rave right now.

[Josh]

Don't with.

[Drew]

But a lot of y'all don't with matcha the way I do and me and my girls do. Because why the are you adding blueberry, raspberry, like, all these things also, actually, we need to talk about that. A lot of y'all are adding, like, raspberries to your coffee. What the are we talking about? Like, even the banana coffee, you're pushing it. Like, flavoring of coffee is pushing it.

[Josh]

But, like, they put bananas in the coffee.

[Drew]

Yeah. Some people make banana syrup, which I will say actually does sound delicious for two sips. And then it sounds like it would give me an insane.

[Josh]

I really can't eat bananas.

[Drew]

It would give me heartburn.

[Josh]

Yeah, I get, like, welts on my tongue and throat when I eat bananas. Not in, like, a crazy way like eating oysters, mussels, clams would. But, like, I'd literally like the enzymes or some, like, melt my tongue away.

[Drew]

I want. I really want the banana fortnite crocs.

[Josh]

I was just saying that. Literally, the banana fortnite Crocs. The Battle Bus Crocs. The pink ones are the most horrifying piece of clothing I've ever seen created.

[Drew]

I mean, to be fair, all of them are like, like terrifying.

[Josh]

But the banana ones are, like, terrifying.

[Drew]

Oh, I should tell my parents to get me that for Christmas. Wait, I need to send that to them. Also, a Zool is kind. And don't fuck with a Zool, because I randomly looked up how much Azul costs. I found a Zool on the street. And A is like a paid experience of a cat. He's the dumbest cat I've like, ever interacted with. Dude. Azul, randomly also, if you don't know, because I feel like I never talk about A anymore. Azul is my fucking cat. She has, like, become obsessed. Actually. What's weird, the older. Yeah, the older Azul gets, the more like a boy he starts to act to me. So now he's like, kind of just been a boy for the past year. Because he has become obsessed with cardboard boxes. Not in the way most cats are, where they get in it and they play and they're cute. Azul takes out this aggression that I've never seen an animal do. He doesn't eat it. He doesn't, like, swallow the cardboard. But he very meticulously. It's like he's a little Amazon worker. Like, he goes up to and he's like.

[Josh]

Like he just bites it and spits it out.

[Drew]

Yeah, he just bites it and spits it out and then plays with the cardboard pieces and then just like circles around it like he killed something and walks away. And there's a cardboard box under my bed because I have all his canned food, like, shoved in this box under my bed. I'll be laying in bed and I just wake up to, like, under my bed, and it's like a thumping sound. And I go under my bed and it's just a Zool with two paws in the B.O. box. And then his, like, all the rim of it is plastic and chewed up cardboard. Also, he has started to eat my vinyl record.

[Josh]

Yeah. Record. Yes.

[Drew]

Yeah. He literally goes to, like, I have all of my records, like, leaned up against my desk. He goes. And he. It literally feels like he's picking something out, which I should start playing the records he pulls out. That's if my cat can be smart. But that's not the case. He just.

[Josh]

Whatever. Evangelist.

[Drew]

Yeah, he chose Evangelist. And then the other one was. What's that? Yola Tango. Yola Tango.

[Josh]

Also, he chewed a hole in an air mattress. Like, oh, yeah, like a dog.

[Drew]

We can't have air mattresses in the house because Azul finds them, and he.

[Josh]

Finds them and he eats them. Like the cat.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's an animal. I was looking at Azul today, and I was like, it is so funny how we just picked this animal to be, like, the animal. Like, cats and dogs are like. Like that.

[Josh]

No, I don't. I don't think that. I think they chose us.

[Drew]

I knew they could control us.

[Josh]

I truly do think that. Like, I really. That parasite study is crazy. And I know we all got. But I love cats in the craziest way. Like, I send it. I send at least three cat videos a day. Like, to my friends and family. I love cats.

[India]

He is so cute.

[Drew]

Azul is beautiful. And when he looks at me with this face, I'm like, this can.

[Josh]

I love how he has no neck.

[India]

Have you seen the kitten that says hello?

[Drew]

No.

[India]

Oh, let me. Let me show you this.

[Josh]

Pull that hoe up because I need to see that.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. I love aul, bro. I love him.

[Josh]

If you look up there, I found an aul whisker.

[Drew]

Oh, really?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Whoa. It's long as hell.

[India]

Oh, this is it. This is it.

[Drew]

I think this is a whisker. Are you stuck? Hello?

[Josh]

I want a kitten.

[Drew]

Sometimes. Oh, I know. Sometimes I feel like Aul can say hello. And I'm not kidding, because sometimes he does this very specific meow. Only when I'm in the bathroom and he's standing outside of it, wants to get in.

[Josh]

He does not like the bathroom door closed because anytime I'm in there, he comes up and meows at it. And then, like, he knows it's me. Like, Azul doesn't give a about me, actually. A little.

[Drew]

Bathroom door closed. Not that he likes to hang out in the bathroom, but he likes the option of going into a room where one of us is in there. Like, he doesn't like to be closed off. And I love him so much. He is so cute. And he loves the heated blanket. Like, usually he lays up here and sleeps next to my shoulders, but since I have the heated blanket now, he'll, like, scrounge around and, like, lay half on me, half off me. And I love when I'm playing for night and he comes and he lays across my lap like a little loaf. Oh, my God. I literally.

[Josh]

He's grown up so much in the last.

[Drew]

I know if. When Azul dies, I think I'm gonna kill myself. Oh, my God. I'm gonna kill myself.

[Josh]

Would you kill yourself if I died.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Okay, good.

[Drew]

I mean, it doesn't take much meaningless stuff. Why do we gift so much meaningless stuff? Tired of generic gifts and hollow trends? Shutterfly allows you to create meaningful photo GIFs for your family and friends. Whether it's a cozy fleece blanket for grandma, a stunning canvas print for mom, or a mug to make dad smile. Enjoy 40% off with code. Make [e-mail] and make something meaningful this year. See site for more details. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day.

[Josh]

Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do. Get a hundred dollar credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com campaign to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com campaign. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn the place to be. To be.

[Drew]

This episode is brought to you by Etsy. Oh, hear that? Thank you. Etsy knows these aren't the sounds of holiday gifting. Well, not the ones you're hoping for. You want squeals of delight, happy tears. How did you. And spontaneously written songs of joy.

[Josh]

I am so happy. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[Drew]

Oh yeah. Um, okay, the song needs a bit of work, but anyway, to get those reactions, make sure everyone on your list feels heard with handmade, handpicked and designed gifts from small shops on Etsy. Gifts like personalized jewelry, custom artwork, cozy style items, vintage pieces, and home decor to celebrate all of your favorite people and their specific kind of special. For original gifts that say I get you, Etsy has it.

[Josh]

Well, the last thing I want to talk about is family data plans. Did y'all have those?

[Drew]

Oh my God.

[Josh]

Yeah, bro. Oh my God. Like I forgot about the trauma that a family data plan caused me as like a kid that was obsessed with the Internet. I know every single month, three days in four days in our family would get a text in the family group chat saying that we've used 90 of our data plan. And then my sister figured out a way to fucking call on her iPhone to see by number who's using the data. And every single time, without fail, it was me using 90 of the data before anybody could.

[Drew]

But it was also like it felt like it took nothing. I genuinely remember getting being in school and it would be like the day after the VMAs and I need to see what people Tweeted, and I'm on my phone just looking at Twitter and even just seeing gifs and picture replies would take up so much of it, and it would destroy it. Also, did you ever have to, like, go in and check how much, like, of the data you've used?

[Josh]

Like, all the time. Yeah.

[Drew]

Like, I would do it all the time, and it literally felt like undoing a bomb every time I was doing that, because even that felt like it was using data. Like, everything on my phone. Remember? Minutes.

[Josh]

Yes. Or I. No, no, no, no, no. I never had minutes. I mean, like, I did have minutes, but, like, I never use the phone.

[Drew]

Oh, I had minutes, but there was, like, minutes, and then there was something with. With, like, te. There was only a certain amount of, like, text.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Send. And. Oh, my God, I hated that, like, not being able to reply to my crush because I used up all my. And I would just have to go to school and be like, sorry I couldn't reply. Like, I literally.

[Josh]

Sorry I couldn't play 23 questions with you.

[Drew]

That's why kick was so popular, because it was, like, before, like, messenger.

[Josh]

I got green.

[Drew]

Oh, duh.

[Josh]

Y'all, I've been thinking a lot about the experiences I had from 14 to 17, even 18.

[Drew]

A lot of people are going to jail. A lot of people.

[Josh]

A lot of people.

[India]

Wait, so these experiences happened, like, the first couple years of the podcast?

[Josh]

Yeah, like, two years ago.

[India]

Oh, three. I didn't know that you were going through that. Yeah, I mean, it's not even that.

[Drew]

Big of a deal. He's being so.

[Josh]

Yeah, I'm being dramatic.

[India]

Yeah. Chill out, dude.

[Josh]

Okay, Wait, what is this?

[Drew]

If you. If you had to accept an award, do you think you would be, like, buzzfeed, like, thank you, humans, whatever? Or do you think you would be, like, very serious?

[Josh]

I'd probably take my shirt off.

[Drew]

I think I would want a Hope Core edit, so I would drop an insane amount of lore and I would. Trauma. Actually, we need someone to do that. We need somebody to get up on that stage and accept a Grammy and just. Trauma.

[Josh]

Think no one. And just, like, say, like, the worst thing that ever.

[Drew]

The vibe. Oh, my God. Yesterday, I had the saddest experience in the dispensary, and it was genuinely like. Oh, my God, it was so jarring. I pulled up, and this person, this guy parked right in front of me and walked in before me. And as I'm heading in, it's all glass windows, and I see him talking to the girl, and I just see him, like, drop his head and start, like, sobbing. And the girl comes around, who is helping him, who worked there, and hugged her, hugged him and. And he was just like, when I came in, somebody else had to help me check my id because he, like, immediately also, it was like, I'm so sorry. I genuinely think this person was going through it. And I did feel so much empathy, but I couldn't help but find the humor and the fact that he was, like, sobbing so hard, and he was like, yeah, I'll take this disposable pen, the 1 gram. And, like, was crying. I was like, this is such a crazy vibe. But it was really, really sad. And I wanted to say something to him because he was having the kind of solve that I was like, this has to be somebody who's grieving somebody. And, like, there had to have just been, like, a word exchange. Like, maybe he hasn't seen anybody. And I felt so bad because he kept saying sorry. Which also, to hear a man say sorry so much, I was like, wow, like, there are one good one.

[Josh]

There's a one.

[Drew]

One. But, like, it was really jarring. But I need somebody to do what that guy did in the dispensary and, like, how he shifted the mood in there. I need. Need him. Somebody to do that.

[Josh]

Just kill the vibe.

[Drew]

Just literally get up on stage, be like, this means so much to me.

[Josh]

Because I think I. Yeah, I was gonna say, I think I might just scream into the mic. Like, consume it and scream. Like, you remember what you used to do on, like, Xbox or, like, when you had to use wired headphones and you could put the mic in your mouth and scream into it, and it would be the most deafening sound. That's my acceptance.

[Drew]

I still do that to my friends on Fortnite. I will literally just, like, join a party, Put the. Like, I have the PS5. I have a psychic five.

[Josh]

Really.

[Drew]

Five. So I just will put the controller into my mouth. It's kind of like I'm munching on the box of my controller, and then I'll just like. But I think it peeks out.

[Josh]

Yeah, it peeks out because there you. There's certain microphones that people have found that are better for screaming. Screaming into. And it's like those ones that are like an earpiece right here that go.

[India]

Those always sound.

[Josh]

Yeah, those are like. Like the goat of, like, screaming.

[Drew]

But, yeah, the guy was really scary, and it made me sad, and I wanted to say something, but I was like, honestly, the last time I spoke to a stranger who I thought was crying, it was embarrassing for me, so I'm not gonna do that. Even though this guy was obviously.

[Josh]

He'd probably follow you home.

[Drew]

The other. Yeah, that was. The other thing is I was like, I can't talk to this man because.

[Josh]

Sadly, you can't be nice to.

[Drew]

You can't be nice to a man because he's gonna think that he's gonna marry you.

[Josh]

Well, I think the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Worse than my brother dying. Worse than my grandpa and grandma dying of COVID Fumbling me who fumbled you.

[Drew]

You fumbled me because I wanted you. And then you were like, no and no, no, no.

[Josh]

You fumbled me.

[Drew]

But look at me.

[Josh]

You and look at me. Hello.

[India]

And just imagine me.

[Josh]

We should.

[Drew]

If they start doing it so that we could have a baby and, like, it would be in a test tube and not a surrogate. I would genuinely do that with you.

[Josh]

We could probably figure that out.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

I mean, we could probably combine our DNA in a test tube and then implant it in someone to carry it for.

[Drew]

I just don't want someone else to carry my baby.

[India]

So you should just fucking get pregnant, have a baby then.

[Drew]

So that's all you think women are good for, is to have a.

[India]

Not at all. Not at all. That's one of the many things that I celebrate. Women on doom.

[Josh]

Hi. You're crazy for that.

[Drew]

I saw, like, discussion unfolding because of everything happening where it was talking about how so many people in this generation feel lost because the women aren't having kids. And just by human nature, we're supposed to have kids. First of all, kill yourself.

[Josh]

That's it exactly. I mean, we should collapse the population because, like, there's not going to be evil people to be in power. But whatever. Worse than Trump getting reelected. Worse than my bug dying and you're killing my bug, murdering it in cold blood. Is coming home from the drive through and not checking your bag before and realizing there's no sauce in that goddamn bag. I swear to God, that will quite literally ruin my week. Like, that ruins my.

[Drew]

The sauce.

[Josh]

Yes. I. Someone out there relates, like, the most important part of a meal to me is buffalo sauce. If I don't get buffalo.

[Drew]

Well, yeah, I guess, because you're just somebody who. You use food as a vehicle for condiments.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew]

You're not, like, eating food for this. The, like, flavor of the food. You're eating it to ranch or buffalo or, like, kewpie mayo. Because everything Drew eats, he slathered ranch.

[Josh]

Buffalo and kewpie mayo, though I Could literally survive on just those three.

[Drew]

The thing is, ranch alone kind of grosses me out. Like, ranch. There's, like, a very specific, like, the ranch in the bottle from the salad. For salads, that ranch.

[Josh]

Can I tell you something?

[Drew]

What?

[Josh]

I went into the refrigerator, like, three days ago, and there was a cup of ranch in there, and I literally drank it litically and from Wingstop.

[Drew]

That is crazy, Drew. Like, the thing is, everybody knows online it's like the ranch from Wingstop is goaded, but I don't think people are consuming it the way you've taken it to a level that it's genuinely like.

[Josh]

It's really. It's. I mean, I'm drinking.

[Drew]

Licks the bowl.

[Josh]

Like, No, I lick the lid.

[Drew]

He literally gets mad when I'm about to throw away, like, this level of ranch away after eating. Oh, my God, the other day, I got a swing stopping. It's like, they only gave us two things of ranch. As if that's not enough, you get three fucking tenders. Like, you just want to drink the ranch. It's so weird. And then it, Like, I feel like most people order the big tub, and it feels wasteful because you get the big tub, and it's like, I'm not using all this ranch. I literally watch Drew, like, you know, the mukbanger girls who, like, dunk it in and do it to, like, for the visual, like, nasty effect. Effect. Drew does that unironically without cameras. Dips it so far, his fingers get.

[Josh]

Coated, like, and then I lick my fingers clean. Oh, buffalo sauce, too.

[Drew]

Buffalo sauce is very good. It does, like, don't. Sauce to me tastes like what? When I know it is summertime, I get, like, a certain kind of sweat that comes out of my body. Buffalo sauce smells like that. Like, that very smart, specific. Like. Like, spiked sweat stench.

[Josh]

So body odor.

[Drew]

Yeah. Is what buffalo sauce tastes like, but in a really good way.

[Josh]

Buffalo sauce. But if you haven't tried it, do not try it, because you will live your entire life chasing that goddamn high. Like, the first time I had it, I knew a switch flipped into my brain, and I was like, this is what's gonna kill me. It's like, straight up my heroin. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, it really. Like, I'm chasing the magic dragon.

[Drew]

You don't like buffalo sauce the way I do because I used the Buffalo wings from 7 11.

[Josh]

You don't know nothing about me in my buffalo sauce.

[Drew]

I guess I will say you have put me on sauce. Like, I wasn't like, I wasn't like, a sauce connoisseur like that before I met you. Also, you saying the coochie thing made me think of this. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Josh]

Elon Musk's body looks like an autopsy.

[India]

Was that a psyop?

[Josh]

No. I saw someone comment that on Tik Tok, and I thought it was quite literally the funniest thing I've ever.

[India]

Someone emailed that to the email, too.

[Josh]

Oh, really? It literally.

[Drew]

He's a what?

[Josh]

His body looks like an autopsy.

[Drew]

Okay, so that's our curse of the week goes out to Elon Musk.

[Josh]

I had that written down.

[Drew]

You will wake up, up from a ferocious dream where you are on fire, only to wake up and realize you actually are on fire. And you are paying in real time for all of the sins against humanity you have created. And you will be dying soon, so count your days. If I put a curse on you, you're not making it, and I'm putting the curse on you. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish.

[Josh]

Oh, my God, he's so fucking nasty. He's clear. Oh, my God, he's clear. He's fucking clear, bro. Okay, I'm. I'm moving on. Drew, say off.

[Drew]

Hey.

[Josh]

I hate when motherfuckers say shit like it's a quarter till nine. Just say it's eight. 75. God damn, y'all stupid. I'm, like, shaking. That riled me up like, that really got me going. It's okay.

[Drew]

I cursed him. He's not gonna make it.

[Josh]

Yeah, that. We should buy everybody if we all bought Etsy spells. Okay, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Another night. No sex. I feel like an inmate. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to, why do you got to tell me you're hungry? Or wait, no, no, I. I read that wrong. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to, why do you have to tell me you're hungry?

[Drew]

You did read it like that the first time. That is exactly how you read it.

[Josh]

The first time, okay?

[Drew]

You just added a verbal comma this time. Ew.

[Josh]

Don't give me a kid. I'm a name that spinach wheel.

[Drew]

I'm going to name my kid Bethany Moda.

[Josh]

Bro, my kids names, I have them. I'm going to have two girls. One boy.

[Drew]

No.

[Josh]

Karma Mantis. What's. What's the boy's name. Karma Mantis. Orchid. Orchid. Orchid. Karma Mantis is an orchid.

[Drew]

Orchy or I'm gonna name my kid mythic item Boogie bomb.

[Josh]

Gold Scar.

[Drew]

Gold Scar.

[Josh]

Yeah, right. Wait, hold on.

[Drew]

There's definitely somebody who's asked Chat GBT what they should name their baby, and they named the baby that.

[Josh]

Yeah, so far. And they buy Tesla cars. I can't read right now. I'm, like, actually having, like, trouble reading.

[Drew]

A. Trouble reading. Yeah, I can read for you. Why are you, as a man, getting up early? Rise and grind. The.

[Josh]

Are you grinding on a grinder?

[Drew]

Old people at weddings always poking you, saying you're next. So I started doing the same to them at funerals. I'm going to hell, bro. That's a good one. Marriage is a death sentence.

[Josh]

Who sent those?

[Drew]

Wait, there's more. I know people be talking about me. It's okay, though, because I talk about y'all too, and I'm way funnier. Sometimes the person you want isn't most Isn't one you need you want.

[Josh]

Sometimes the person you want isn't most. Ghost isn't you one need you want the IS100 emoji.

[Drew]

Huh?

[Josh]

Huh? Suzanne. Shout out Suzanne.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Josh]

Shout out Suzanne. And shout out Madeline. And shout out Kelly H. Kelly.

[Drew]

8. Okay, my media of the week is. I'll tell you now, Lindsay Buckingham. Can't Stop. Stop loving you, Soul dog. Make love to me, Carrie. Cleveland. And Expecting to fly. Buffalo Springfield. Hey. And then for movies, I watched Moonstruck with Nicholas Cage and Cher, and it was so good. It was just a hoot and a holler and it was so charming. I miss when movies were charming.

[Josh]

Yeah, I miss, like, old rom coms.

[Drew]

It was cute.

[Josh]

I'm a. I'm a cinephile.

[Drew]

We really need to change that word.

[India]

What is it called when you, like, are really excited about feet?

[Josh]

Pedophile. Oh, it is.

[Drew]

Is that really what it is?

[Josh]

P E D I Ped. That's.

[India]

I didn't think that you were actually gonna follow through with that.

[Josh]

Oh, my God. Wait, hold on.

[Drew]

Wait. Is that actually what it is?

[India]

That's what I was setting him up for, but I thought he was gonna say something else. It has to be a different word.

[Josh]

It's gotta be. It's gotta be. But ped is, like, the.

[India]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Word for foot.

[Drew]

There's an old Zen here, and it's, like, grossing me out.

[Josh]

Zen?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Like, there's the stains. Look, I I the stains in this house, y'all. If you could see. If you could see the squalor we live in. It's really nasty. And I don't have media.

[India]

I have media. It's real. It's real media. Microcosm by Veronica Everhart and I love that song. Really?

[Josh]

Mm.

[India]

She's goaded. Microcosm by Veronica Everhart and Rock Solid by two Shell.

[Josh]

Well, chibamato. Sure. Moonchild. Like, what the fuck do you want? Bye.