Drew Has A Crush

Summary

Emergency Intercom Podcast Summary: "Drew Has A Crush"

Release Date: June 17, 2022
Hosts: Enya Umanzor (Kai) and Drew Phillips
Episode Title: Drew Has A Crush

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1. Kai's Musical Endeavors with Lorde

The episode kicks off with Kai revealing an exciting personal achievement—drumming for the internationally acclaimed artist Lorde during her tour in Ireland.

• Kai: "I literally was drumming for Lorde in Ireland." (00:53)

Drew playfully teases Kai about not leveraging this experience to boost Lorde's sales, highlighting the potential chaos and awkwardness it could have introduced during performances.

• Drew: "You should have probably told everybody that. You would have boosted her sales, like, so much." (01:07)

Kai explains his reluctance to shift the show's focus to himself, emphasizing that it's all about Lorde. He also shares a humorous incident where a TikTok video of him drumming gained attention.

• Kai: "If people knew I was drumming for her, it would have been like an actual dangerous situation." (01:27)

2. Balancing Podcasting and Touring

Drew commends Kai for managing both the podcast and being on tour with Lorde, acknowledging the hectic travel schedule involved.

• Drew: "Honestly, congrats. Like, kudos for that, dude." (02:16)

Kai elaborates on the demanding itinerary, which includes flying between countries and recording multiple podcast episodes in quick succession.

• Kai: "It's like the craziest schedule ever here." (02:43)

3. Lollipops Review: Yum Earth Organic Pops

Transitioning to lighter topics, Drew and Kai discuss their favorite lollipops, specifically praising Yum Earth Organic Pops for their smooth texture compared to other brands that tend to scrape the tongue.

• Drew: "We found the best lollipops ever." (02:55)
• Kai: "It's almost like you're making out with a cat." (04:10)

4. Reactions to Near Misses While Driving

The hosts delve into their differing reactions when someone almost gets hit by a car. Kai shares a personal anecdote where his friend overreacted, causing Kai to become angry instead of empathetic.

• Kai: "If I almost hit you with my car and you throw your hands up, it makes me actually want to press on the gas more until I squash." (04:49)

Drew contrasts this by expressing discomfort with showing vulnerability, suggesting it's more embarrassing than demonstrating care.

• Drew: "It's way more embarrassing to, like, show that you cared." (05:01)

5. Caring for Their Cat, Azul

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Drew and Kai's experiences with their cat, Azul, who recently had an allergic reaction to fleas. They discuss the challenges of managing Azul's care, including the use of a plastic cone to prevent her from licking her wounds.

• Drew: "She was fully fine because I literally got her ointment yesterday." (06:35)
• Kai: "No one wants to lather the cream on Azul because I won." (38:59)

The conversation highlights the difficulties of pet ownership, especially when dealing with medical issues, and the humorous mishaps that can occur, such as Azul accidentally spreading litter around the room.

6. Sock Preferences and Fashion Statements

The hosts share their quirky opinions on socks, debating the merits of high socks versus low socks. Kai expresses frustration with the sizing changes of Uniclose socks, while Drew humorously labels Kai as a "menace to society" for wearing no-show socks.

• Drew: "If you wear no show socks, you're a fucking menace to society." (08:38)
• Kai: "I'm literally killing everybody in the city." (37:18)

7. Reliving Embarrassing Podcast Moments

Reflecting on past episodes, Josiah brings up a particularly embarrassing moment where his shoe disintegrated on camera, leading to awkward reactions from listeners.

• Josiah: "One because my shoe was, like, turning into dust." (08:53)

This segues into humorous exchanges about on-air mishaps and the hosts' ability to laugh at themselves.

8. Personal Struggles: Eczema and Skin Issues

Drew opens up about his longstanding battle with eczema, detailing how it affected his self-esteem during childhood and continues to be a minor concern today.

• Drew: "I used to wear jackets every single day in the summer heat because I didn't want anybody to see the eczema on my arms." (14:11)

Kai empathizes, discussing his own experiences with dry skin and questioning whether it's purely a dermatological issue or exacerbated by bacteria.

9. High School Memories and Education Woes

A nostalgic segment where Kai and Drew reminisce about their high school days, sharing stories of skipping classes, watching movies during lectures, and their overall lack of academic commitment.

• Kai: "I did a bunch of drugs, like a lot." (21:36)
• Drew: "I couldn't tell you what I did when I went to school." (22:18)

They humorously recount specific incidents, such as Drew watching inappropriate content on school devices and Kai's wild prom experiences involving substance distribution.

10. Video Games and Changing Interests

The conversation shifts to their evolving relationship with video games. While Drew expresses his ongoing investment in Fortnite, Kai mentions losing interest in both Fortnite and Call of Duty, attributing it to possible depression.

• Drew: "I've given so much money to Fortnite. It's embarrassing." (18:30)
• Kai: "I'm done playing video games right now. I think I'm literally just depressed." (34:44)

11. Technology Tidbits: New iOS Features

Kai introduces exciting updates in the new iOS, such as the ability to mark messages as unread and delete sent messages from both sender and receiver's devices. They discuss the potential uses and implications of these features.

• Kai: "In the new iOS, you're gonna be able to delete messages that you send." (41:49)

12. Memes and Pop Culture References

Injecting humor, the hosts review and comment on various memes circulating online, blending their unique comedic styles to dissect and lampoon internet trends.

• Kai: "More than a million kids come up missing per year... it's a meme review." (54:32)

They laugh over absurd scenarios and the nonsensical humor that memes often present, showcasing their lighthearted dynamic.

13. Prom Experiences and Alcohol Stories

Kai shares a wild prom story involving excessive drinking, distributing Klonopin, and nearly getting kicked out multiple times. Drew complements this with his own prom-related antics, including using a hairbrush flask.

• Kai: "I almost killed a bunch of kids. Not cool at all." (33:06)
• Drew: "I got a hairbrush flask." (33:16)

These tales emphasize their carefree and rebellious youth, contributing to the episode's comedic tone.

14. Final Thoughts and Teasers

As the episode wraps up, the hosts tease upcoming content, including possible guest appearances and future podcast directions. Drew hints at having a crush, aligning with the episode's title, but keeps the details under wraps for future disclosure.

• Drew: "I got secret info. I'll tell y'all later that it's between us." (48:19)

Kai supports this tease, building anticipation for listeners eager to learn more in subsequent episodes.

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Notable Quotes

• Kai: "It's like, a sandpaper effect. It's almost like you're making out with a cat." (04:10)
• Drew: "It's more embarrassing to, like, show that you cared." (05:01)
• Kai: "I almost literally took your life with my vehicle." (05:08)
• Drew: "I'm done buying new things. I can't. I hate being a consumer." (42:36)
• Kai: "I have two different sized feet. I'll post pictures of them." (35:40)

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Conclusion

"Drew Has A Crush" offers listeners a blend of heartfelt confessions, humorous anecdotes, and candid discussions about personal struggles and everyday mishaps. Kai and Drew's chemistry shines through as they navigate topics ranging from music tours and pet care to high school escapades and evolving personal interests. The episode wraps up with teasing remarks about Drew's crush, leaving fans eager for the next installment to uncover more personal stories and comedic moments.

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Note: This summary excludes introductory and concluding advertisements, focusing solely on the episode's main content as per the provided transcript.

Transcript

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[Drew]

Tap, tap, tap in to this episode of Emergency Interval.

[Kai]

So, like, immediately, right off the road. Right, right. Just to start the episode, something no one is talking about, is the fact that I literally was drumming for Lord in Ireland.

[Drew]

Yeah. I mean, well, you should have probably told everybody that. You would have boosted her sales, like, so much.

[Kai]

I would have boosted her sales one and two. Like, but I didn't want to make it about me, like, the show about me. So I, like, I'm. It's like, about Lord. It's Lord's show. Like, if people knew I was drumming for her, it would have been like an actual. It would have been a dangerous situation.

[Drew]

It also would have been embarrassing because it's like, oh, my God, like, sorry, so many people are here for me. They're like, chanting my name in the middle of the songs.

[Kai]

Because the druthers don't play.

[Drew]

Yeah, they don't.

[Kai]

They do not play.

[Drew]

They spread. They spread themselves.

[Kai]

Yep. They spread seed and STDs as well. No, it was magnificent, though. And someone did get a video, like a tick tock of me drumming and we'll just play it and I'm stoked. I'm proud of myself. I can't believe I've been able to come balance.

[Drew]

I can't believe you've been able to balance the podcast and being on tour with her.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah, that's like a really. Honestly, congrats. Like, kudos for that, dude.

[Kai]

It's so much flying. It's like, I'll be in Ireland and then I have to film two podcasts in two days because we're traveling more. So, like, we'll record two podcasts, then I'll fly to, like, Austria or whatever, and then I have to fly back the next day. It's like the craziest schedule ever here. Kai.

[Drew]

I bet you didn't know he could do that. I bet you didn't know he could do that.

[Josiah]

That's not true.

[Drew]

You can do a lot of things, especially behind doors and with his clothes.

[Josiah]

I think he's lying again.

[Drew]

No.

[Kai]

I don't know why everybody calls me a liar. Like, I'm not a liar. I'm, like, about to start crying.

[Drew]

It's probably because you do lie quite often, so.

[Josiah]

It's because you're always lying to people.

[Drew]

Yeah. So it's. It's just kind of like common knowledge. If someone's, like, always lying, they kind of get called a liar. It's like, if you're always having sex, you get called, like, awesome. It's like, kind of.

[Josiah]

That's why I get called awesome.

[Drew]

You don't like. That's the thing. That's me. That's all me.

[Josiah]

You. You get called awesome because you are awesome. I get called awesome because I'm also awesome. And I have sex all the time.

[Kai]

I get called a danger to society.

[Drew]

I was gonna say something and I fully forgot. That's me. Every single episode. I say that, like, four times. I was gonna start with something, and then you started talking, and now I fully forgot what I was gonna say. Also, me and Drew found the best lollipops ever. We are not being told to say this, but the Yum Earth Organic Pops are so fucking good. You know how other lollipops scrape your tongue and cut it? This one you can really rub up against your tongue and it doesn't happen.

[Kai]

It's got, like, a sandpaper effect. It, like, other lollipops are, like, sharp and, like, they turn into blades when you lick them. This has, like, a sandpaper effect. It's almost like you're making out with a cat.

[Drew]

You say that like that's a good thing. Also. I've realized that.

[Kai]

Shane Dawson.

[Drew]

I think it's more embarrassing to overreact when you almost get hit by a car than to, like, play it cool. Does that make sense? Like, when you know. You know when you almost hit someone and they, like, throw their hands up? Like, no one's doing that out of fit of anger as much as it is because they're scared and they're like, oh, you. But, like, they want to, like, act bravo. Like, in macho. Like, they weren't just terrified for their life that you were going to take their life.

[Kai]

No. That's the most humiliating thing ever. Like, if I hit. If I almost hit you with my car and you throw your hands up, it makes me actually want to press on the gas more until I squash.

[Drew]

You, like, a little.

[Kai]

That is more. That is so angering. Like, girl, like, I didn't.

[Drew]

I did not want to hit you.

[Kai]

Girl, you're fine. I did not want to hit you. You did not get hit. Let's just all move past this and, like, forget about it.

[Drew]

It's a simple mistake.

[Kai]

Literally. Literally.

[Drew]

It's such a simple mistake. I almost literally took your life with my vehicle.

[Kai]

It reminded me of that. Like, when I walked to the gas station to get Pepsi. Those people that are. That. That guy that I was walking with, that he almost got hit by the car, and, like, I didn't react at all. And he, like, threw, like, a fit and, like, hit the window and was like, what the fuck? Like, are you kidding me? And then, like, he, like, looked at me to, like, like, have his back, and I just, like, literally walked around the front of the car and kept walking. And I was like, it is not that deep.

[Drew]

I know. Also, that's just so embarrassing. Like, ew. Not you being scared to die. Like, that's so embarrassing. Like, no, I'm just so cool. Like, if it's my time to go, like, rainer shine, baby, I'll go. That's such a lie, because I actually don't want to die. Like, by the hands of. Everybody knows this. By the hands of someone else, because that's embarrassing. But it's way more embarrassing to, like, show that you cared.

[Kai]

Yeah. Like, is it, like, them teaching the person a lesson? Like, are they trying to teach me a lesson? Like, I don't get it.

[Drew]

No. It's literally not teaching me fudgeing anything.

[Kai]

It's making me more angry.

[Drew]

It's making me want to murder you. Also, everybody is all had fleas and licked herself to the bone. I'll insert a picture. It's actually so nasty. She. By the time this episode is out, she's fully fine because I literally got her ointment yesterday, and she was like, her is already, like, back to being white and not scary red. But because of that, she had, like, a plastic cone on her head, which will also insert a picture of her plastic cone.

[Kai]

Oh, I thought that's what you're gonna put the scab up. Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

That's traumatizing.

[Drew]

Yeah. It's disgusting. It's so nasty. Also, before anybody calls me a bad owner, it's hidden under a tuft of her hair. And. And me and Drew both looked at it, like, three days ago, and I thought she was just wet from licking herself. And I was like, ew. And then literally two days later, I looked, and all the hair was gone. She literally ate all the hair off of her body, so it's really nasty. But she had an allergic reaction to fleas. Anyway, she had a plastic cone on, and she was accidentally scooping litter out of the litter box and dragging it all over my room this morning. Because why do vets give cats such big fucking cones? Like, they're literally just scooping piss and shit around. They can't lick their ass. They get puppy butt.

[Kai]

It's literally not that deep. And, like, this cone is so big on Azul or was, because then you replaced it. It was so big on Azul that, like, he literally couldn't jump and, like, he couldn't keep his head up. He was like, dragging his head.

[Drew]

You knew he was coming into the room because you just heard like, oh, it's really sad. For some reason when Azul's, like, living, like a little sad life, it actually, like, deteriorates my happiness.

[Kai]

Me and Josh were talking about that this morning exponentially.

[Drew]

Like, it's just so sad. It's like, ew. Like, I want to put her out of her misery. We should just shoot her.

[Kai]

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. No, we shouldn't do that.

[Drew]

We should have just killed my cat when she's a little sad.

[Kai]

You know what's crazy about the uniclose socks? I think they changed their sizing a little bit cuz they're really baggy on me right now, which is insane because normally they're, like, really tight.

[Drew]

I don't like high socks because they squeeze the out of my goddamn ankles. And I feel like I'm losing blood flow to my feet. And then my feet are 10 times more cold than they always are.

[Kai]

If I wear low socks, like. Like medium high socks, it looks like I have cankles. So I literally can't do it.

[Drew]

I just. Yeah, I used to wear no show socks. If you wear no show socks, you're a fucking menace to society. You are so fucking scary, Kai.

[Josiah]

These are.

[Drew]

Oh, I got so scared that he was.

[Josiah]

These are show socks.

[Drew]

Show socks.

[Kai]

Show stopper.

[Josiah]

This is for when it's showtime.

[Kai]

Showtime, baby.

[Drew]

I still can't believe the sand coming at you.

[Kai]

Literally, I was like. It didn't get on camera. No.

[Josiah]

That episode was my most embarrassing episode. One because my shoe was, like, turning into dust. And then the other reason is that people were tagging one time stamp in the video where I like, let out this weird moan.

[Kai]

Do it.

[Drew]

No, don't do it again. Do not.

[Josiah]

It's like. It's like, oh. But the. The reason why Is because you were talking about throwing up, and I was like.

[Drew]

It was supposed to be like, you were getting horny.

[Josiah]

I was getting horny. No, I was supposed to be like, oh, like, it was supposed to be like a. Oh, like that. But it came out sounding very weird because the mic is so close to my mouth. So, like, yeah, yeah.

[Drew]

It was like, I got a massage, and the lady didn't realize she graced my coochie, like, eight times.

[Kai]

Damn.

[Drew]

And I was too embarrassed to say, like, anything, so I just laid there and I tensed up my body until she got the idea where she was like, oh, my hand is going too far up because I got a big. I got a big beefy stew down there.

[Kai]

It's. It's big, y' all.

[Drew]

Sometimes when I lay under a cover, I'm like, that makes no sense. Like, when I'm naked under a cover and there's just a blanket on my body, I look down and I'm like, that.

[Kai]

She's packing heat. She's hung like a horse.

[Drew]

Literally. If I want to say that. I was gonna say if I wanted.

[Kai]

The watermelon was really gross, by the way.

[Drew]

Nuh.

[Kai]

It tastes like cybernetics.

[Drew]

What the. You just made that up. That's not a word. Cybernetics. What is that?

[Josiah]

It tastes like the blue flum.

[Kai]

Yeah, it tastes like Kim. Yeah, like straight Kim.

[Drew]

Slum floats. I think I'm gonna pick up smoking cigarettes and not wearing sunscreen anymore. Oh, and also not washing my face.

[Kai]

I'm not puffing anymore, by the way.

[Drew]

Shut up.

[Kai]

I swear.

[Josiah]

He actually isn't.

[Kai]

I was gonna. Kai. I was gonna buy one yesterday.

[Josiah]

Yeah, and then Josiah handed you his, and you were like, oh, I actually.

[Kai]

Did get onto him. And I was like, josiah, like, you actually have to bring those around, because I was, like, off of it for. For, like, five days. And then he came around with his puff bar, and I was like, God damn it. Like, of course I have to hit this thing. So I hit it. But since he's left, I haven't hit a puff bar. I did want to go buy.

[Drew]

He left two days ago.

[Kai]

Damn. Like, can I not have one thing? It's always this or that or something else. Like, I've heard. I can't.

[Drew]

You know what it is? I've heard that, like, I'm done with flum flow. Like, probably some. Since I met you when Jewel was around, I've heard, like, the, like, everybody in the group, like, who uses, like, flum floats and puff bars, and Juuls goes through Phase where they're like, no, I'm actually, like, so done. And then the second one's around. Everybody, like, hawks over the person. It's literally like a dead corpse. And everybody in our crew becomes vultures. And they're like, give it, please. Please give it to me. Give me the bumper, dude. I watched Drew and Josiah fight at dinner for, like, 30 minutes.

[Kai]

I was just leaning into it because I was like, this is funny. I wasn't actually like, give it to. But I was also like, you better give it to me. Like, there's. You better hand that to me. So I was a little bit offended, but not because I needed it, but, like, I need it.

[Drew]

I need it. That I saw a TikTok that was like, oh, wait, me buying.

[Kai]

Oh, no, it's.

[Drew]

It's about flam float. It was like me buying a flum float or, like, a puff bar three days after dramatically throwing it in water and, like, swearing I'm quitting.

[Kai]

No, literally, it. Like, people don't understand how hard it is to quit. Those little motherfuckers because they're so ready. Available, readily available. They taste so good. Like, at this point, like, they do nothing for me other than give me, like, heart palpitations and like. Like headaches. Like, it's there. They do nothing. And, like, it's strictly mental withdrawal. Like, it's like, I crave this thing more than anything I've craved in my entire life. But, like, I'm strong. I'm strong, and I do. I do quit for, like, months at a time, and then I just fall back into it, but I can't. I cannot do it. It. Like, I watched the TikTok, and I was like, oh, is that what I look like? Yeah. I'm talking to all you who smoke those puff bars. We look fucking weird. Remember when people would smoke?

[Drew]

They're literally tiny baby bottles.

[Kai]

Yeah. Remember when people would smoke box mods and you'd be like, girl, get a jewel. Like, what are you doing we those people now? I'm like, get some oxygen. Like, what are you doing?

[Drew]

They're big as, and they're literally. They're literally shaped like little baby bottles. So everybody holds them with a full.

[Kai]

Baby grip, and it's like, baby bottle pop.

[Drew]

I'm allergic to baby bottle pop. Fun fact. It spikes my eczema up. And then when I eat it all around, my mouth flares up.

[Josiah]

Whoa.

[Drew]

I don't know what in it I'm allergic to, but when I had it last time as a kid, I had it, and Literally, my eczema in my mouth. Like, I looked like I got, like, my mouth on a cheese grater and, like, scrape my mouth on a cheese grater. And then my arms were, like, really puffy from my eczema.

[Kai]

Nasty up.

[Drew]

Yeah, it was really nasty. I think I've said this before, but I literally used to wear jackets every single day in the summer heat or, like, Miami heat because I didn't want anybody to see the eczema on my arms.

[Josiah]

Did it go away?

[Drew]

Yeah, it fully went away. I've never noticed anything because I used to have it really bad here. Now I have, like, little divot scars because one time in Honduras, I got so sick, and for some reason, that spiked up my eczema, which makes sense because I'm sure it was just my immune system being down, and it, like, spiked me up, and I scratched myself so hard that I, like, left, like, divots in my skin. Now I get eczema, like, around my mouth and nose. But I put so much and get it right here, moisturizer on me that it goes away.

[Kai]

One little pack.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. I also get it on the side of my arms. I wonder if it's from, like, rubbing on my, like, skin, but I get it, like, when it's really dry.

[Kai]

Is it just dry skin or is it, like, bacteria?

[Drew]

I actually don't know. I think it's, like. It's way less severe than psoriasis, but it's kind of in that family of, like, just, like, gnarly dry skin. But that was my biggest insecurity as a kid because I didn't want people to be like, ew. Why are you scratching yourself? You look scary. So I wore a jacket, and I went under the radar forever, and nobody ever knew that under my jacket, I was dying.

[Kai]

What the hell was that?

[Drew]

I'm passing away.

[Josiah]

You sounded, like 80 years old.

[Drew]

Oh, did I tell you guys that I'm probably gonna die?

[Kai]

It's this amulet on her chest that keeps her young.

[Josiah]

You went to the old beach?

[Drew]

I've never seen fudgeing old. I need to see a really shitty movie. I've seen too many good movies. Oh, also, the voice actor of Roger Rabbit literally wanted to have sex with me.

[Kai]

That was awesome.

[Drew]

We went to Monster Palooza. I'm laughing at the kid getting his makeup.

[Kai]

That was actually crazy.

[Drew]

We have to insert that video. Dude. Yo, dude.

[Kai]

Me and Drew, literally shifty kids.

[Drew]

We went up to him to just stare at him and laugh, like, eight times. And then at the end, we were like, oh, That's a, like, person.

[Kai]

That's a child. A person. And we're bullying this child like we.

[Drew]

Were doing on purpose. But, like, literally just like, oh, my God, Humans are so fudgeing funny. We are literally so bored. Like, cars shouldn't be as extravagant as they are. That's just to get you from one point to another.

[Kai]

Shouldn't have cars, period. I want a car, but we shouldn't have cars. Then how would no. Make the cities walkable? We should have started with that. Make walkable cities. I mean, I guess too bad we went the wrong direction.

[Drew]

But then how would you have train. You could have sex in your car.

[Kai]

What?

[Drew]

You can have sex in your car, girl.

[Kai]

What the are you saying?

[Drew]

I'm saying we need cars because it's, like, just one other place to have sex.

[Josiah]

That makes sense, actually.

[Drew]

That's why they did it. That's why they made cars.

[Josiah]

I feel like that is kind of why they made cars.

[Drew]

Yeah. Cars used to be open top, and then they were like, we got to put a roof on this so we can bone in here.

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

So that the rain doesn't hit you while you're having sex.

[Josiah]

Do you think the first person to have sex in a car was like, I. I'm probably the first person to do this?

[Drew]

Yes.

[Josiah]

Because, like, so few people had cars.

[Drew]

People are so horny. I bet hella people in a car at the same time for the first time, cuz are just horny.

[Kai]

Literally.

[Drew]

But who knows? I don't know. Sorry. Drew's literally chomping on his. On his lollipop. That's the difference between me and Drew is I'm a sucker. He's a chomper. Yeah, I'll be sucking.

[Kai]

That's what his wool sounds like when he eats his little kibble.

[Drew]

Dude. With his bowl, he, like, couldn't get to his cat food, and I just heard him scraping up against such a cute word.

[Kai]

Hi, kibble.

[Drew]

You're my kibble. Because I eat you up and then I throw you up because I ate you too fast.

[Kai]

I've been drinking a bunch of muralax. I'm really constipated again. What's new?

[Josiah]

Did it blow your back out?

[Kai]

Nope. So I'm like, I need to drink the magnesium citrate, which I. If I'm gonna do it, I have to do it tonight because I fly on Wednesday.

[Drew]

Ew, dude. Oh, my God. No. Dude. I literally, like, now that, like, bottle of laxative actually gives me, like, ptsd, because I just look at it, and I think about how it actually gave me Covid. Like, for me, laxatives are what gave me Covid and I will never have one again. I'd rather be constipated and walking around with a big belly full of shit than be spraying shit out my ass.

[Kai]

That is a luxury and a privilege to be able to say.

[Drew]

Have you seen the new Fortnight video? It's awesome.

[Kai]

What is the Fortnite video?

[Drew]

I've given so much money to Fortnite. It's. I've given, like, at this point. This is embarrassing. Easily over $100 for night.

[Kai]

That's insane. I'm like, that's insane. Like, I didn't do that same thing for Cat. What is it? Castle Clan battles.

[Josiah]

Like the Clash of Clan.

[Kai]

You were hella playing that like that in high school. Yeah, like, I spent probably like 500 bucks on that. On that game. Probably something like 500 bucks. And then on Balloon Star Defense, I spent hella bread. But, like, I've been kind of good about not spending money on Fortnite.

[Drew]

They actually make it too fucking easy because I literally just have to.

[Kai]

Well, you just have a spending problem.

[Drew]

No, no, no, no, no. It's not my fault. It's literally. It's so easy. Also, they have to stop making good skins at this point. Like, my idea of a good skin on Fortnite is literally anything that's just a girl.

[Kai]

It's literally you just like all the basic girl skins.

[Drew]

Yeah. Because I'm like, that's me. It's giving me, like, what do we say?

[Kai]

Me when I o. I brought that up the other day. Like, me and Enya do this thing where it's like, actually, like, the least, like, thought out planned joke ever. And I just realized we do it literally 300 times a day. But, like, literally. I'm just gonna use this as an example. But, like, this is. I made this joke earlier today, like, so I'm not just, like, making this up on the spot. This is something that I said. This is a book without a cover. And I literally picked it up and I said, me when I. A book without a cover. And like, that's. That's the joke. Like. Like, there's nothing to it.

[Drew]

Me when I'm a lukewarm glass of tap water in a mason jar from Erewhon.

[Kai]

Me when I'm a sucked sucker.

[Josiah]

Me when I got so mad at my parents on the phone, I punched a hole in my wall.

[Drew]

You're done talking for this episode. You're done. Okay, silence. You're on like at least a 10, 15 minute timeout.

[Josiah]

Got it.

[Drew]

And if you don't, if you don't abide by that, I'm going to rip your leg hairs out one by one. That was so funny that I literally, I've never fucking argued with my parents. I have never. That's a lie. I'd be arguing me like me when I actually just lied for fun.

[Kai]

Like, literally you lying. I was talking to my mom yesterday and I was just like talking about like shit that I did when I grew up and I was like, y' all like had to have hated me. I was like, terrible. Like, I sucked at ass as a kid and like, or as like a teenager. I was like, was it harder for you to raise me as like a 1, 2, 3, 4 year old or as like a 16, 17 year old? And they immediately, without like skipping or hesitating, they're like, when you were 16 and 17, you were like awful. Like, you were terrible. And I was like, I didn't think I was that bad, but like, just looking back, I was just like literally suicidal. I wanted to die and I wanted to spend all of the money that I made on coral and fish. And that's what I did. And also I did a bunch of drugs, like a lot.

[Drew]

That being the last thing you mentioned being like, no, I was the worst person ever because, like, I had like mental issues and like, I loved fish. Oh. Also I like abused substances like crazy.

[Kai]

It was. And I also was like, damn. Like, they really couldn't punish me because like, while I was doing all these drugs, I don't think they were like aware of it, but like, I was maintaining my grades in school and I was like, had a part time job that I would do after school. So like, I was doing all the I was supposed to do. I was just having fun with some drugs which like ultimately ruined my brain chemistry forever. And don't do that. But yeah, they like really couldn't like punish me.

[Drew]

My grades were awful. I was so bad with school. Like, I genuinely, I couldn't tell you what I did when I went to school, but I know it wasn't schoolwork. Like, I wasn't, I was not in class. I would skip. I would sit at my favorite teacher's class and I would just sit all fucking day. And I think about it and I'm like, what was I really doing? Because, like, I think I was watching a lot of movies in school at that point. Like, I would like go to school with my like fucking iPhone already having like a Movie that I'm going to watch loaded up. And I would just sit in classes watching different movies because I literally remembered, like, two movies I distinctly remember watching in high school. Like, in class. One of them. What's the movie with Johnny Depp in the middle of the desert with all the drugs?

[Kai]

Ringo.

[Drew]

No, fuck. It's like the COVID of him with the big eyes.

[Kai]

Oh, fuck. He does lsd.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like chasing bad times.

[Drew]

Or like, chasing your mom. Wanting to have sex with Drew's mom.

[Kai]

Las Vegas. They drive the car loathing in Los Angeles.

[Drew]

Yes. Literally me when I'm a Cocktoo Twins album. That's not the album, but yeah. I remember watching that in high school and watching in between classes and texting the man who was grooming me because that was his favorite movie. And I was like, I love this movie. Meanwhile, I was like, this movie?

[Kai]

No idea. I want to be watching the One Direction.

[Josiah]

I was wondering why you were watching that movie. I was like, I feel like an older man is responsible for this.

[Drew]

Yeah. I was also, like, I was way more cuddy with, like, what I decided to watch as a teenager versus an adult. Like, as a teenager, I actually had the capacity somehow to watch multiple movies. Like, every, like, cooler movie I've seen. It's because I saw it when I was in, like, high school. Yeah. But that was because I was, like, an obnoxious who was, like, on Tumblr and, like, reblogging, like, cool GIFs. So I was like, I need to watch this so that when I'm reblogging it. Yeah. Jif. Gif. That's just a gif. That's like Jiffy Butter.

[Kai]

You're a psycho. What do you say?

[Josiah]

Gif?

[Kai]

Yeah, it's gif.

[Drew]

Gif.

[Kai]

It's gif.

[Drew]

I say gif.

[Josiah]

The creator of GIFs said that it's pronounced gif, but I think he's wrong.

[Drew]

All right. So me and the creator got one thing in common. Some common sense.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah. And y' all are gay.

[Josiah]

Oh.

[Drew]

Why? It's Pride Month. Like, why do you have to talk to me like that?

[Kai]

Straight? I don't give a.

[Drew]

You can talk like that because you're straight. You should think about the way you use your words as a straight man. As a very straight man who has no homoerotic tendencies, you should be careful. Are you okay? Oh, are you fixing the knots in your hair?

[Kai]

I'm taking out the matted dread that's.

[Drew]

Formed the block of hair that you're moving. You want me to give you A haircut before you leave?

[Kai]

No, I was actually thinking about getting a haircut in Texas, just letting them fuck me up. But I was like, I should just go to, like, a nice haircut person and, like, have them, like, do something good.

[Drew]

I mean, if you want to hold out till August, that's. I'm just holding out till August to get my haircut, honestly, because I know a spot in Brooklyn that I want to go to.

[Kai]

I literally don't know if I could.

[Drew]

That's how I felt, but I was like, I'm gonna do it, but fuck what I was saying. Oh, yeah. I distinctly remember watching that and, like, falling asleep watching it in school.

[Kai]

School.

[Drew]

And then also paprika. It took me, like, three times to finish paprika. And it's also because I haven't finished it. I would watch it in school and then fall asleep in class. So that's what I did with my education. And I'm not kidding. I graduated with such a low gpa. I. I'm not joking. Like, what's the. What's the bare minimum? Like, 2. Like, 2.5, I think.

[Josiah]

Yeah.

[Kai]

I don't know.

[Drew]

I think I graduated with, like, 0.1 per, like, point above what you're supposed to graduate.

[Josiah]

And you had a one gpa?

[Drew]

No, I literally, my GPA was, like, nasty. Like, it was up. To be fair. Like, everybody knew that I was, like, not committed to being in school and wanting to be in school at that point. I was, like, far beyond.

[Kai]

Like, I was like, just, like, give up where they just, like, no. Like, yeah, I don't give a fuck. You can roam the halls. Like, because if I were to try to do that in my school, like, I would literally be, like, reprimanded so bad. Like, it would. It would not have been like, you.

[Drew]

Know what it was? Because the way I would scare you, Skip, was my teacher would call me out of class. So because another teacher was calling me out all the time, I wasn't technically skipping because it was like, oh. Like, I was a part of the journaling club under this teacher. So he would, like, call me out and be like, oh, and. Yeah, and I was, like, the head of, like, journalism, so he would call me and be like, oh, and he has to come work on this thing. So I would just leave. But I would go and be on iPhone and computer all day and just chill. And then sometimes he would leave and get us lunch, and we would like, sit and eat and, like, literally just, like, chill. And then I would just, like, mess around with the kids in his class and like troll them and like talk to them. You know the video of the like, what's her name? Fuck, I can't think of her name. Ebony Jenkins singing. I have a video also deep on my finsta, like showing the class.

[Kai]

You need to send Kai that video.

[Drew]

Oh yeah, of Sophia, of her singing. I played it for the class and it was dead silent. Like all of them couldn't tell if I was playing it.

[Kai]

Seriously, dude, that's so funny. I remember in sixth grade we did this. I had this like engineering class. It might have been seventh grade, but do you remember that YouTube video of the girl who was like the emo girl that like, was like, fuck, like she would cuss or whatever.

[Drew]

Foxy?

[Kai]

No, no, she was boxy.

[Drew]

That's what I'm thinking.

[Kai]

Yeah, it wasn't boxy, but it was like a girl who was like trying to be boxy. She was like younger. I don't know, it's hard to explain her name. She was like the emo girl that like would get really fucking mad at the camera. It's whatever, I'll find it.

[Drew]

But yeah, so that's how I just like didn't go to class. Not that you should do that. I was just annoyed. I did have teachers who would fight me on it. I've like talked about that before. It's like I had a teacher who literally was like, so mean to me and like, oh, of course.

[Kai]

Oh my God, I'm sorry, let me do it again.

[Drew]

And I hear.

[Kai]

Well, I played that oh my God, in my engineering class over like the speakers. Because he had like surround sound speakers in there. And like, I forgot that like she like gets really violent and cusses at the end. And he like, was super pissed at me. But that just reminded me of your story.

[Drew]

But yeah, that's really all I would do. And I. I don't know, my school was like, I. You know what I think it was? I think it was because I was like obnoxiously charming with my teachers. I didn't get in trouble that often. Like, my school was a uniform school and I never wore uniform. And the principal was one of those principals who's who like tried to be friends with all the kids. So he would always come up to me and be like, enya, like, where's your uniform? And I would just like say some like sweet snarky reply to him and just be kind of like funny with it. Like, oh, like, I don't believe in that. Like, you're like, I Would, like, say annoying things to be, like, I don't believe in uniform. Like, you're constricting my, like, creative, like, juices by doing that to me. Like, I don't do that. And, like, just be annoying. And then I wouldn't get in trouble and he would, like, let me go. But that's also because he was, like, a fucking loser and tried to be friends with a bunch of kids. Sorry.

[Josiah]

Whoa.

[Drew]

Sorry. And hopefully all the bad stuff that happened to me that I don't remember will never resurface.

[Kai]

Wait, what?

[Drew]

It's just a thought. Norm MacDonald has a really funny bit in his new special where he's like, when people have, like, really gnarly mem. Like, when people are like, oh, my God, I just remembered this thing happened to me. It's never, like, a fun thing. It's always, like, something awful that, like, comes back to you.

[Kai]

And it's like, that you remember as it being funny. But then you tell people and they're like, that's not funny. That's, like, really sad and scary and borderline abusive.

[Drew]

I've had that happen to me before. And I cried at a pokey place because I was, like, laughing about it with something with my friend and I was, like, telling her and she was like. And yeah, that's, like, not funny. That's, like, really up. And then I started crying because I got embarrassed because I was like, oh, my God, not you. Turning my joke of a life into something silly. Like, like, it's silly. It's just a silly thing that happened.

[Kai]

Like, let's just laugh together about it. We can just laugh now.

[Josiah]

What, were you guys popular in high school or what?

[Drew]

I was so popular. I was prom queen. I was serving. I was boots. Were you actually, I was the prom boot. No, I'm like, barely.

[Kai]

I didn't know that.

[Drew]

No, I. I, like, went to prom and it was like, the thing is. Okay, I. I don't know if we've said this on the podcast. We've like, lightly touched on it, but it fully is happening. Like, everybody on my timeline on TikTok who was like, someone in high school who I was like, I just had a bunch of prom things on my timeline and that made me so happy because we have finally exited the anti prom culture. Like, it was all like. There was this one TikTok in particular. Hopefully I could find it. But it genuinely made me so happy because I was like, dude, these are just like, such a cute little crew, like, of just, like, eccentric. Like, more eccentric. Leaning, like young Kids who, like, instead of doing the thing, everybody was like, prom. Like, I'm not going. Like, they all, like, dressed up and went. And then I saw another girl who she was literally talking about. She was like, I wanted to go to prom with my boyfriend. He was like, oh, we're not prom people. And I was like, I literally don't care. Like, I want to go to prom. Like, I don't care. Like, what does that mean? What is, like, being a problem?

[Kai]

Not prom people.

[Drew]

And I think it's because, like, there was that whole era of, like, even ours being like. And I. That always used to piss me off because I was like, okay, like, promise fun. It's, like, not the most fun ever, because when I think about it, I'm like, I literally sat at a table, danced for 20 minutes, and then left.

[Kai]

Like, I got really drunk, gave out a bunch of my prescribed Klonopin to everybody on my party bus, and almost got kicked out several times of my prom junior year. And I gave out all of my Adderall. Just gave it to everybody, like candy. I was like, you can have it. Take the Adderall and the Klonopin. It's called a speedball. It's like a suburban speedball. It'll fuck you up. I almost killed a bunch of kids. Not cool at all.

[Drew]

Well, I didn't go to junior prom. I went to senior prom, and I got a hairbrush flask. So I got.

[Kai]

Remember that? Because we were on tour together when you were doing prom, and you brought that to tour.

[Drew]

Yeah. And I just, like, started using it because I was like, I got to make good use out of it. And it did work as a hairbrush. Oh, yeah. We have talked about this, because people, there was always the rumors that, like, you were gonna get checked.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And honestly, I'm gonna tap back into that. So I. I'm just gonna enter, like, a minor alcoholism phase. Like, is that cool? Like, I'm just gonna wake up and with my cup of Joe, like, have a little tequila.

[Kai]

You had four shots and, like, blacked out and almost died. Like, I had to, like, shake you awake a few times because you were choking on your vomit.

[Drew]

I know My tolerance.

[Kai]

Not enjoying it.

[Drew]

My tolerance is so, so low. It's, like, comical. Like, now it's with alcohol the way it is with weed. Like, off my, like, little can. I'm like, I'm high as I'm moving slow.

[Kai]

I'm so lit right now.

[Drew]

I need to play Fortnite. Like, actually. Okay. When this episode is out, I'll have just come back from, like, a Europe trip. And. You know what's fucked up? A genuine concern of mine is the fact that I won't be able to play Fortnite for, like, 10 days.

[Kai]

Dude, I'm over it. I'm over Fortnite and Call of Duty.

[Drew]

Really?

[Kai]

I'm done playing video games right now. I don't know what it is, but I've, Like. The last few times I've played, I've said it like, two episodes ago. It's just not fucking fun anymore. I don't know what happened. It's just not fun. She's not hitting the way it used to be. I think I'm literally just depressed. Like, that's what it is. And I'm, like, battling depression. Who knows? Who knows?

[Drew]

Maybe that is it. But I would think that. No, that probably is it, because I was gonna say, I. I really.

[Kai]

I literally hate these shoes so fucking much. I hope they burn in hell. Like, I bought a shoe that's too big for me, and then I got clocked because they were like, those are two sizes too small for you. And I was like, no, they're supposed to feel like this. They're too big, and they don't even fucking fit my foot. And then I. When I walk, they, like, kick off my foot, and I'm like, this is the biggest waste of money I've ever spent money on in my entire life. And I literally hate Prada, but, like, put me on a Runway.

[Drew]

I was gonna say, I don't hate Prada. Prada. Like, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

[Kai]

Love you. Fix your shoe sizes, maybe.

[Drew]

Fix your feet, maybe. You're the freak. You have long, skinny feet, and they're scary.

[Kai]

No, I literally have, like. My feet are, like, two different sizes.

[Drew]

It was really funny. You could see, like, one of his feet were sticking out of the clog, and then the other one was, like, snug in it.

[Kai]

Yeah, I have, like, two different sized feet. I'll post pictures of them on.

[Drew]

You shouldn't post pictures of your feature.

[Kai]

Yeah, no, Like, I'll give. I'll give the girls what they want.

[Drew]

I don't know if it's the girls watching who want pictures of your feet.

[Kai]

I'll give the guys what they want.

[Drew]

I thought you were straight.

[Kai]

I am straight, but I don't discriminate.

[Drew]

That sounds like something someone who's, like, a little gay might say.

[Kai]

No, I was gonna say something really bad, but I was like, it's just not worth it. It's not worth it to bleed.

[Drew]

We're entering good territory. Oh, move your head so everybody can see the temperature. That's awesome.

[Kai]

The 99. I was wondering why I'm so sweaty.

[Drew]

I feel good.

[Kai]

I even have the thermostat on and it's just still at 99.

[Drew]

No, we. We have to get something figured out because these summer episodes are gonna be really nasty.

[Kai]

Yeah. Really Just need to get a studio.

[Drew]

The first, like, three episodes, I was probably the sweatiest I've ever been. Like, genuinely, like, I would sit up. Actually, the 10 episodes.

[Kai]

We just need a studio. That's it.

[Drew]

Can you build one? You're a man.

[Kai]

We built this city on rock and roll.

[Drew]

No, we built the city on boots and house. And me and Jester built the city. We'll get into that one day. Do you know about that? Should I retell it? No, I. I have to. I have to wait for Jester. I've retold the story many times over it.

[Kai]

Like 300 times. I can't hear it anymore.

[Drew]

It genuinely makes me so happy. Like, it's so funny to me.

[Kai]

And then I try to add in on the joke and I just get shut down.

[Drew]

Yeah. No, because, I mean, me and Jester built the city. Like, it's like no one else built the city.

[Kai]

And I'm going to kill everybody in the city.

[Drew]

You can't, because we have a force field.

[Kai]

Yeah, I'm going to sneak a bomb in there and kill everybody.

[Drew]

Well, we have really good protection. And also, you just won't because we have a force field. Every human in our city has a force field built around them. So you're just the outsider. If you put on the bomb, you'll die.

[Kai]

Like the Dune force field.

[Drew]

I've never seen Dune. That is a movie I will never watch. I'm sorry. Unless I'm, like, sedated.

[Josiah]

That's good.

[Drew]

And being, like, tied down.

[Kai]

You're so weird and different and, like, cooler than everybody else. Because, like, you don't watch stuff that's popular.

[Drew]

No, I just don't watch. That's long and boring.

[Kai]

It's neither long nor.

[Drew]

I don't like action in sci fi like that.

[Kai]

Like, it's more. It's more like space politics. It's like more like future. Like, there's not, like, a lot of action. That action sequence or like, whatever. What?

[Drew]

Because I'm like. I'm, like, shocked that, like, space politics. That's, like, the last word that would, like, intrigue me to watch a Movie. Oh, it's like space politics.

[Kai]

Well, no, give it. Give it a chance. It's like. I don't know. I think you would like it.

[Drew]

Maybe when I'm highest bingus on my flight, I'll watch it if it's on there.

[Kai]

It's giving bingus. It's giving do Gert. It's giving me chess.

[Drew]

Meeches is good. Meeches is good. You know me, just little bingies. Why don't you just stay in LA while I'm gone and put the ointment on Azul? No, nobody wants to stay in Cream Azula while I'm gone.

[Kai]

No one wants to lather the cream on Azul because I won. If I was staying, I wouldn't have been asked to do it. I would have just been assumed to do it and I wouldn't have been paid.

[Drew]

No, that's different. I don't like. I'm only paying because it is so annoying to, like, squeeze her down on.

[Kai]

The couch and touch his bloody scabs.

[Drew]

Kai, do you want to just do it for free? You want to touch her bloody scab?

[Josiah]

I would do it. I was going to say I would do it, but I'm. I'm so busy creaming Drew up all the time.

[Drew]

Drew's not going to be here.

[Kai]

He's lathering. He's coming with me to lather my cream here. You do my bubble bath.

[Josiah]

Yeah, he heard.

[Drew]

Kai, are you getting flown up to cream Drew up?

[Josiah]

Yeah, I'm getting flown out to cream Drew up.

[Kai]

Like, that's the only reason why he's still around.

[Drew]

Okay, I'm just. I'm so. I'm sorry to, like, bring up your sexuality so much, but this is.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

I'm just saying. Is it straight stuff? Like, is that, like, straight?

[Kai]

Yes.

[Drew]

Okay. Yeah. I mean, is.

[Kai]

I'm just making sure, like, damn true.

[Josiah]

No, it's not. Me getting flown out to cream you up is definitely not straight stuff.

[Drew]

Oh, I got invited to one of those, like, scary yacht parties that people talk about.

[Josiah]

Wait, what do you mean?

[Drew]

Drew? Sorry, guys. Drew just showed me that Grinder is open on his phone. Wait, I'm really confused. You're sending mixed signals.

[Kai]

I have it on there to just keep tabs of the community around me.

[Drew]

What for?

[Kai]

You commit hate crimes? This trash has been bothering me the entire episode. Okay, yeah.

[Josiah]

No, no, no, don't do that.

[Kai]

Well, the camera's off.

[Josiah]

The camera's still on and I'm recording the audio. Please don't do that.

[Kai]

Oh, fuck. Have you seen the new iOS?

[Drew]

No.

[Josiah]

This is exciting. This is exciting.

[Kai]

We took a five minute intermission because I'm literally losing my fucking mind. I. I don't feel real. I'm not real. I'm like, I'm not angry, but, like, I'm very close to, like, having an outburst of anger, but, like, one thing will set me off. Okay, but is that your warning call in? Yeah, literally, in my moments away in our. In our break, I stumbled upon something that reminded me of the new iOS update that's coming out soon. And it's pretty cool. Like, the. The texting imessage is really cool. I think I sent it to you, but it's like. And imessage you're going to be able to, like, if you read a text message, unread it and mark it as unread, which is like, really advanced evil, because I do that shit all the fucking time. Like, I read a message and I just never respond to it. Are you ready? No.

[Drew]

Oh, I know what you're saying. Yeah.

[Kai]

Like the Instagram feature, I don't know if it actually marks it as unread, which if it does, that's psycho and scary and like.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, that's what I thought you were saying. But that's so good because I need that.

[Kai]

Yeah. Because I just forget about my text. And then also, in the new iOS, you're gonna be able to delete messages that you send. So if you send a message, you can delete it from both people's phones immediately. So, like, you can like, sneak dis someone and delete it really quick and like. Yeah.

[Drew]

Oh, that's good.

[Kai]

I don't know. Like, there's a lot of utility, like, for jokes there. Like, I've. I've already thought of so many things that I can do with that, but, like, relationship wise, that could be very good for people.

[Drew]

Yeah. Because I'd be saying out of pocket, just out of a fit of anger, and I'm like, oh, my God, I.

[Kai]

Shouldn'T have said that.

[Drew]

No, the way I need new iPhone. I need new iPhone right now.

[Kai]

I know.

[Drew]

I literally do.

[Kai]

I know I actually unironically need a new iPhone, but, like, I'm done. I'm done. Like, I'm done buying new things. Like, I can't. I hate being a consumer. What I'm going to do is I'm going to consume things that were already consumed. So, like, basically thrifting. But I. I think I have to get the new iPhone. Like, that's the one thing I Have to do. I have to get the new iPhone. I have to get the new Mac Mini. I need a new monitor for my computer.

[Drew]

Yeah, I need a new computer.

[Kai]

I need to add fans to my computer. But other than that, I'm not consuming anything else. Like, I promise, other than this insane.

[Drew]

Tech upgrade I'm planning on making.

[Kai]

Exactly.

[Drew]

Also, I realize I fully missed out on telling y' all my awesome experience of anger yesterday. I had to take Azul when I had to take her to the vet. Her vet was on Santa Monica, and they were doing the Pride parade, which I did not know. And when I called, I was like, oh, can I get there? And they were like, oh, you can get there. You're just gonna have to figure out, like, where to park. Like, I don't know where you would park. And I actually pulled a Drew, and I was standing across the street at the loudest, like, parade I've ever been to. And, like, literally just, like, music was blasting, and I felt, was it playing Dua Lipa? No, but I did hear Lady Gaga. Of course, I didn't hear any. Do was a lot of, like. I was like, where did y' all get instruments for today? Like, did y' all just have instruments?

[Kai]

There was a lot of banging on instruments. Or they have instruments.

[Josiah]

Whoa, wait, what was that? You said we.

[Drew]

You said we?

[Kai]

Nope.

[Drew]

Okay. Yeah, I'll. I mean, I'll leave it if you said no, I'll believe you.

[Josiah]

What do you mean believe? This is recorded and I can play it back.

[Drew]

Not you calling him a liar.

[Kai]

He's just constantly calling me a liar.

[Drew]

Yeah, something's wrong with you.

[Kai]

I'm saying you're going to.

[Josiah]

It was record. We have proof.

[Drew]

Yeah, you. We? Who's we? Shut up. Anyway, I watch.

[Kai]

Somehow he's going to edit it to make it say. I said me. We. Yeah, somehow he's gonna make it say.

[Drew]

Did you say me or we?

[Kai]

No, Kai is gonna make it say we.

[Josiah]

What am I gonna make it say?

[Kai]

And. But I said, they.

[Drew]

You're just giving him more fuel. He probably already did it. It sounds like you called yourself, like, a part of the lgbt.

[Kai]

Have you heard of lgbtq?

[Drew]

Well, I have.

[Kai]

I'm not a part of the LGBTQ community.

[Drew]

But anyway, I felt like a fucking.

[Kai]

Wait, did you hear that? That was actually good.

[Drew]

Shut up.

[Kai]

That was actually good. No, when I said.

[Drew]

But. But we.

[Kai]

But we lgbt.

[Drew]

Anyways, I had a Zool in the car across the street from the parade, and I was like, dude, this is actually gonna set Azul Back. I think it was making me so mad because I was like, this is gonna set Azul back, like, three years in, like, brain development. Like, she's like a freak now. She's back to being of, like, antisocial, like, freak. But I felt like a goddamn loser. And I was so pissed that I had to walk across the parade with Azul and this fucking care carrier. And I actually felt like such a fucking idiot douchebag. I was like, everybody's here celebrating, having fun, and I'm the fucking idiot who's.

[Kai]

Like, sorry, with all your crosses on.

[Drew]

I know.

[Kai]

I've seen the Pride parade in your.

[Drew]

Cross just, like, stomping across with a huge cat carrier. When I left, I was in a way better mood because actually it was just my luck. It was like, no, wait, time to get her looked at. Like, it was in and out. And then when I was leaving, since I had died down, a bunch of people were like, oh, my God, is that a cat? And it was really cute because everybody was like, oh, my God, look at that cute cat, cat. So I was like, yes, yes, yes. I know my kitty's cute. Like, you just see the other one.

[Kai]

Meow, meow, meow.

[Drew]

But yeah, it was like I was pulling a U where I was like, actually, this is the worst day of my life. Like, no, I. I don't think you understand.

[Kai]

It feels so good to just freak out for, like, two minutes and just have, like a full blown conniption fit and let it all out and then you can just chill. But, like, in that moment, that was the worst day of your life. You felt that? Truly?

[Drew]

No, I'm not kidding. I actually did. I was like, I would rather go through every single traumatic experience that's happened to me ever again than take Azul out of this. Dude, she was shaking so bad. It was actually really sad. He's so good in the car. Once we pulled up to cross the street, I was like, also, when I got out, there was a fucking Jeep with big speakers on it. So it just got exponentially louder. And I was like, oh, my God. Also, for some reason, I thought Azul was going to, like, use superhuman strength and break out of the carrier, open.

[Kai]

The zipper, use a posable, and jumps.

[Drew]

On top of one of the parade, and it's like, hey, guys.

[Kai]

It's like ratatouille, but for the LGBTQ Pride parade.

[Drew]

And it says wolf. The Pride Parade.

[Kai]

I've never been to Pride. Me either.

[Drew]

That was our first time. I'm.

[Kai]

I'm just not like, that Was your first time?

[Drew]

Yeah, my first time joining. I'm just not a parade person. Like, I don't want to walk around in a loud space. Yeah, it's like a. It's like a festival. Just, like, hot.

[Kai]

I have a crush.

[Drew]

Not. My bad. Let's hear about it.

[Kai]

No, that's all you get. I'm not taking any questions.

[Drew]

Could I ask questions after?

[Kai]

Yeah, of course. But they don't get to know. Just know I have a little bit of a crush.

[Drew]

Guys, I got secret info. I'll tell all y' all later that it's between us. No, for real. You can come.

[Kai]

I trust you.

[Drew]

You can trust me. I'll only just. I'll write about it on Patreon.

[Kai]

Get the.

[Drew]

Off you go on the Patreon. And there's like a big, like.

[Kai]

You know that one? Yeah.

[Drew]

Where she throws it and her friend unlocks it and hears it.

[Kai]

That's a song.

[Drew]

Sing it.

[Kai]

There's no words. It's literally just a beat and breathing. Yeah. You know exactly what you. I'm talking about.

[Drew]

It's like a bit of a soldier boy.

[Kai]

Use it as my song of the week. Like, not too long ago I'll find it again. Keep talking me. Keep going.

[Drew]

I bought new bras.

[Kai]

Grimes. Stan Grimes. Suck my balls, everybody. Grimes is a legend, and she rules.

[Drew]

Roses is popping on Tik Tok. The song by Grimes.

[Kai]

Oh, word. That's crazy. Actually, that's literally not crazy at all. She's literally, like, the most famous musician in the world. I love Grimes. I don't care. I don't care. I'm proud to say it. I love Grimes. I love Lana Del Rey.

[Drew]

Yep.

[Kai]

I love Miley Cyrus. Like.

[Drew]

Yeah. On your straight. For real?

[Kai]

Yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly.

[Drew]

The straight curriculum.

[Kai]

Beyonce curriculum.

[Drew]

I said the straight curriculum.

[Kai]

Well, it's because they're hot as. Yeah, they're like hot women, literally. That's what I used to say. They're hot. Like, how could you not stand Miley Cyrus? She's, like, hot.

[Drew]

And she's always got her boobs out almost. I invested in new bras and underwear, guys. I don't think anybody understands what a big deal of that for me, that is.

[Kai]

She's been wearing the same bra and panties for 14 years.

[Drew]

And I don't give a. And I really don't. I really don't. That's sustainable.

[Kai]

I found a pair of boxers. I was, like, cleaning out my boxers and socks drawer, and I found a pair of boxers in there. A Gap pair of boxers that I got Literally when I was 7. And I still wear them to this day. I'm not joking. I still wear them. And I just. I threw out every other pair, but I kept that one. I was like, this is cute.

[Drew]

I can't say that I have anything that old, but I do have. Literally, like, I saw the underwear I wore. I remember when I lost my virginity. I still have them. I'd be wearing them.

[Kai]

That's actually cute.

[Drew]

It's not cute because I wear them and literally the band has, like, ripped off and peeled off when.

[Kai]

When the elastic, like, dies and crumbles and they're not elastic anymore and they're just shorts. What did I wear when I lost my virginity?

[Josiah]

A gimp suit.

[Kai]

Huh.

[Josiah]

Dude, I'm looking at the.

[Kai]

Golf link pants and the purple Converse. I actually am, like, trying to think. Oh, okay. I actually. Now I remember her. What? Don't even say.

[Drew]

I wasn't going to say anything.

[Kai]

You were going to say some.

[Drew]

I'm going to say you look beautiful.

[Kai]

No, say what you're going to say.

[Drew]

Say what you want. What you want to say. Let the words.

[Kai]

I'm a virgin.

[Drew]

You're literally. You've been passed around more times than you know.

[Kai]

I love being a virgin. I'm a born again virgin.

[Drew]

I think you're a. That's what I think you are. And that's okay.

[Josiah]

Yeah.

[Drew]

God. If someone paid you a million dollars to live in the White House for free for three years, would you.

[Kai]

Absolutely not. Are you kidding me? How would I even be able to do that? Would you live rent free in the White House for three years? Would you eat this full platter of fruits and vegetables for $10,000?

[Drew]

It was 20,000.

[Kai]

For $20,000.

[Drew]

I don't know. I. Probably not because it would give me a cavity from all the girl.

[Kai]

Let's give Drew's meme reviews. Let's go through my meme account and see what's poppin. Let's see what we've got.

[Drew]

I feel like Jack Harlow right now.

[Kai]

Damn.

[Drew]

Because I'm kind of mid, but everybody likes me. Oh.

[Kai]

My God.

[Drew]

Believe that. Just believe that.

[Kai]

Okay, so we. We got this meme. I will never fully recover from my daughter pulling down my shorts and exposing my bare ass. And in the middle of Panera Bread this morning.

[Drew]

I saw that. And I air doctor to Mason when we were all at dinner.

[Kai]

White girls, when they have to go on some tropical. Go to some tropical resort with their family for summer instead of doing hard drugs with our friends. It's a way Girl screaming, the lettuce on the chicken, it's dying. Celebi. Oh, this is a classic. When you're at brunch in a squirt off starts out of nowhere. Oh, my God.

[Drew]

I had McDonald's. I had a McChicken and four nuggets for dinner the other day. I'm not kidding, Drew. I literally was, like, comatose. I literally. It did something to my stomach that.

[Kai]

I. Chickens are dangerous. Like, they're actually like. Like, Like, I don't think they're actually edible. I think it's faking. They're faking it, but they taste so.

[Drew]

No, literally, it put. There was a mass of something in my stomach. It was, like, insane.

[Kai]

This is the last one. Me and India have been quoting the last line he says of this video for the last week. I. It's so good. More than a million kids come up missing per year. What do y' all think happened to these kids? And every time people come up missing, the more and more people come up missing, the more they release more chicken sandwiches. And I'm noticing that. I'm noticing that. I'm noticing that I'm literally not. Like, the one thing about me is I am noticing that. Damn. This just became a meme review. You're such a dumb Animal. You pay 30 of your income to stay out of prison. For the audio listeners, it's Chad and orangutan talking to each other in the grid format.

[Drew]

That one killed the vibe, girl.

[Kai]

Every time I see this, I'm so fascinated by the fact that it's all just corn. Everything in the pantry is literally all just corn.

[Drew]

All we eat is corn and wheat.

[Kai]

And they make it seem like it's not, but that's all we eat is corn, wheat fillers and oils, and that's our diet. That's the American diet.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. I actually just thought about eggs, and it made me gag a little.

[Kai]

Say you got it.

[Drew]

Throwing out all this rotten food from the fridge yesterday, we kept smelling. We kept smelling it on purpose to gag.

[Kai]

It was literally. I'm noticing that. So good.

[Drew]

I like it. So, pets.

[Kai]

I'm noticing that it's so good. What do I do for my YouTube channel?

[Drew]

You just let it die.

[Kai]

I need to record a YouTube video because I have brand deals do, but I don't know what to record.

[Drew]

You should make a video of you being yourself. And let's do a Q A. Q and A's are so funny.

[Kai]

I love a good Q A. I love a good Q A. I watch.

[Drew]

Them, but like, the idea of me doing a Q A is funny. I don't think. I don't know if I've done a Q A probably since I was in high school.

[Kai]

The Patreon literally says hello.

[Drew]

Oh, true. I meant publicly. It's different. There's an intimacy with the Patreon. But, like, I mean, like, publicly, you know what it is? Doing an ig, like, ask me anything is really funny because it really is. Just ask FM all over again.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And it's just like, it. Ask me anything. I want to talk about myself right now.

[Kai]

I literally love it so much, and I love when people do it. I observe so deeply. I'm like, damn, you really do do that. Like, you're really into that, right?

[Drew]

I just skipped through. If I'm being honest, anytime anybody does like, like, ask me, anything's on their story, I skip through because I'm like, honestly, I don't feel like this is for me because I did not ask you, and I don't care. I really don't.

[Kai]

I'm gonna do one today. I'm gonna go live on Instagram that.

[Drew]

By the time this is up, this will have happened two weeks ago.

[Kai]

That boosted my confidence in a way I was not prepared for. Did we finish the merch?

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, kind of.

[Kai]

Sorry. I forgot that we were.

[Drew]

That we're doing merch, and it's gonna be awesome. You forgot? How could you forget?

[Kai]

I don't know. I actually don't know how I forgot that. Oh, come make an appearance. Come say what's up. Literally, come say hi.

[Drew]

Yeah. Every time anybody's at our house and they want to use the bathroom, we hear them. We hear their pee, but you guys.

[Kai]

Can'T hear them, literally. It's also crazy how Josh refuses to be on the podcast. Yeah, jk, he wants to be, but there just hasn't been the proper time.

[Drew]

He hasn't. There hasn't been a moment where it feels right. Maybe we'll do it before our year anniversary. Josh will be, what, our third guest?

[Kai]

Yeah. Kai, Josiah, Devin. Devin.

[Drew]

Devin had a small cameo, though, so it's not even, like, guest. Top guest type beat. We need her on as a full guest.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

We'll start getting guests in here. We'll start popping them in. We'll start popping them in, making them pop a squat on camera for you guys. We'll get that.

[Kai]

That's gonna be the gag, is they all have to piss on on camera.

[Drew]

Podcast, and we'll give you the audio. You can. You can do whatever you Want with it?

[Kai]

We'll waterproof the mics.

[Drew]

Yeah. So it'll just be like a. All right, that's it, man. Drew died.

[Kai]

Let's do media.

[Drew]

I'm gonna shave my head. That's a lie. I would. I would look so bad. I looked so bad with the pixie cut. I look back at pictures and I'm like, oh, I look slay. But in the moment, you literally cried.

[Kai]

You cries out.

[Drew]

My media of the week is a sea of love by Huerto S. Damn. Bismillahi Romani Rahim by Harold Bud. I said that so wrong. I pictured the out of that and the Socks on fire by Michael Andrews.

[Kai]

Crazy.

[Drew]

I tried.

[Kai]

Mine is 4am by Grimes. Classic wildlife analysis by Boards of Canada. I've been on a crazy Boards of Canada kick. Chroma key, dream coat. I think the album's geogaddy. That's my favorite words of Canada album. For the people that want it to know, Twoism is also cool. Literally, the song Twoism is so good. Literally, just listen to Boards of Canada get lost in their music. Some of it's really, really sad and dark, but, like, you need that sometimes. And visually, I literally, visually have watched 8 million TikToks. 8 million TikToks and YouTube videos on. What's that? Call of Duty.

[Drew]

So you're not into playing Call of Duty. You're into watching it?

[Kai]

No, I've always said that. Like, I've actively. Since I've moved from Texas, like, some. Like, one consistent thing about me has been me watching Call of duty videos on YouTube even though I never played it. And I just love being kicked by video games. I love watching people play video games. Like, I don't know why people don't like it. I just don't like actually playing the video games sometimes. And, like, watching is enough for me.

[Drew]

So you want to watch me play around a fortnight right now?

[Kai]

No, I'm going to watch my phone on Tik Tok.

[Drew]

I'm going to stare at my cell phone screen for seven hours to decompress the black.

[Kai]

Did you know? Oh, this is crazy. Do you know why Black Mirror is called Black Mirror?

[Drew]

Why?

[Kai]

You see the phone's unlocked, Lock it. Look at the screen. It's a black mirror. It shows you who you really are.

[Drew]

Drew, I think you might be experiencing short term memory loss because you've said that, like, three times this week.

[Kai]

I'm realizing that.

[Drew]

I'm noticing that.

[Kai]

I'm noticing that.

[Drew]

Literally the kid getting his makeup done. Okay, wait.

[Kai]

Oh, this Pride Month in the middle. It smells demon. I'll leave you with that.

[Drew]

Bye.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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