Drew is gay

Summary

Emergency Intercom — “Drew is gay”

Date: August 7, 2026 | Hosts: Enya Umanzor & Drew Phillips (with Kai & Lolly)

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Episode Overview

This episode of Emergency Intercom is a typically unhinged, free-form ramble with Enya, Drew, Kai, and friends, touching on topics from scary home invasions and childhood sociopaths to taser mishaps, pop culture, and the existential dread of mortality. The tone is high-energy, absurdist, and rooted in the hosts’ signature chaotic storytelling, with banter that bounces rapidly between confessions, cultural commentary, and comic bits about everything from TikTok haul videos to club bathrooms.

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Key Segments & Discussion Highlights

1. Enya’s "Bravery" and Podcast Responsibility

• [02:38] Enya dramatically opens, sharing how she powered through exhaustion to record:
  • “I need to get up and drink a Red Bull and, like, throw on some mascara and blush and be here for the people…I need to do what podcasters are meant to do, which is, like, feed you stuff that'll send you into psychosis.”

2. Kai’s Home Invasion Saga

• [03:56]–[14:47]
  • Kai recounts a harrowing (yet darkly comic) series of events involving a stranger repeatedly attempting to break into his friend’s fenced house, setting off alarms, and even camping in the backyard.
  • Details include PTSD from prior break-ins, hesitation to call the cops, and the surreal nonchalance of the police (“The cops did not give a fuck about the crack. They pointed to the crack pipe, and they were like, ‘Oh, is that yours too?’” – Kai, [12:22]).
  • Memorable comedic bit: comparing the slow-moving intruder to “someone who just really didn’t care—a vibe.”

3. Sephora Encounter & Kids These Days

• [15:11]–[19:32]
  • Enya tells a story about witnessing a brazenly bratty 11-year-old girl berating her grandmother at Sephora.
  • The hosts riff on generational differences, gender stereotypes, and the apparent rise of “spoiled rotten children.”
    • “I guess I understand why old farts write kids like bratty teens to be like that. Because I'm like, I guess they do exist.” – Enya, [18:19]

4. On the Transformational Power of Grief

• [26:43]–[27:33]
  • After criticizing rude children, the gang seriously contemplates grief and how losing someone can unexpectedly change people for the (sometimes) better.
    • “I think a lot of people would benefit from like…like a sibling or a parent dying in their life.” – Kai, [26:43]
    • “Death is the one thing that…it's like the closest you get to a conspiracy with real results in front of you.” – Enya, [27:01]

5. Food Hoarding, Candy Pockets & Gamer Snacks

• [28:27]–[30:31]
  • Enya confesses to her habit of stashing candy and snacks in her clothing, leading to chocolate stains and accidental “mess catastrophes” during long Fortnite sessions.
  • The hosts riff on the physics of snack stashing ("the crevice being my butt"), and how Drew would benefit from "object permanence."

6. Club Poop: Surreal Bathroom Comedy

• [30:31]–[31:42]
  • Lolly introduces the ongoing game “Club Poop,” a roleplay where she and her friend act as nightclub bouncers gatekeeping which bathroom-related characters (from diarrhea to bath mats) are allowed entry.
    • “Club Poop. That's exactly the type of shit that I like.” – Drew, [31:11]

7. Internet Trauma: ‘One Guy, One Jar’ & Viral Gore

• [39:38]–[43:38]
  • The group compares the infamous “One Guy, One Jar” and other shock videos to performance art, discussing their first exposures and lasting trauma.
    • “If framed right and put together in a gallery correctly, [those videos] could be great pieces…Performance art.” – Enya, [41:18]

8. Drew’s Costco “Flirtation” & Himbo Vibes

• [32:32]–[34:23]
  • Drew sheepishly shares he thought he was being hit on by a beautiful woman at Costco, until the group points out she was just a sample rep.
  • Running joke: Drew as a “himbo”—clueless, muscled, and lovable.
    • “Yeah, I'm dumb. I'm like a himbo.” – Drew, [34:16]

9. Weapon Mishaps and Taser Antics

• [34:23]–[37:15]
  • Kai and friends play around with a real taser—learning the hard way that it’s dangerous and “goes into people’s skin.”
    • “Obviously this gay guy has not been taught gun safety…” – Kai, [34:44]

10. Complaints about Feet and WikiFeet Scandals

• [50:14]–[51:15]
  • Kai reveals insecurity about his feet, his low rating on WikiFeet, and the hosts joke about “rigging” results and foot fetishes like “seeing a new color.”

11. Random Tangents: AI, Pop Culture, Big Bang Theory, and More

• The episode also weaves in oddball discussions on:
  • AI and “gay AI” concepts ([52:37])
  • “Gray Gardens” documentary ([60:40])
  • Love for “Young Sheldon” and being accidentally swept into the Big Bang Theory Universe ([59:06]; [60:09])
  • Dream of being a bottle girl in a rundown hookah lounge ([48:17])

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On police apathy:
  • “The cops did not give a fuck about the crack. They pointed to the crack pipe, and they were like, ‘Oh, is that yours too?’” – Kai, [12:22]
• On performance art and viral trauma:
  • “If framed right and put together in a gallery correctly, could be great pieces…Performance art.” – Enya, [41:18]
• On Drew’s Costco ‘romance’:
  • “No, I think she—no, I don't think so…They did say Kirkland.” – Drew, [33:27]
• On forbidden bedroom snacking:
  • “There’s chocolate stains all over every couch we get because she puts chocolate in her pocket.” – Kai, [29:06]
• On “himbo” self-knowledge:
  • “Yeah, I'm dumb. I'm like a himbo.” – Drew, [34:16]
• On grief and change:
  • “Death is the one thing that…it’s like the closest you get to a conspiracy with real results in front of you.” – Enya, [27:01]

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Notable Fun Bits

• Running joke about “nothing burgers” and whether there’s actually anything in the episode (meta-commentary, [58:27])
• Drew “confesses” to being “Poop Glass” in the One Guy One Jar video—a recurring bit ([43:31])
• Absurdist improv about club-bouncer bathroom roleplay characters, including “dirty tampon dancing on the table” ([31:23])
• Self-roasting for being “vibe terrorists” or social energy drains ([03:41])

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Time | Segment/Topic | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------| | 02:38 | Enya’s opening, “I am brave” | | 03:56 | Home invasion saga | | 15:11 | Sephora story, bratty children | | 26:43 | On grief, how people change after death | | 28:27 | Candy-in-pockets confessions | | 30:31 | Club Poop, surreal toilet comedy | | 32:32 | Drew’s Costco “flirting” story | | 34:23 | Taser mishap; weapon safety among friends | | 39:38 | ‘One Guy, One Jar’ & viral internet trauma | | 50:14 | Feet, WikiFeet, and fetishes | | 52:37 | AI voices, “gay AI” | | 60:40 | Gray Gardens, Big Bang Theory TV conversation | | 62:12 | Drew’s music plug/appeal for collab |

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Wrap-up

For fans: This episode exemplifies why Emergency Intercom has cult appeal—a surreal, rapid-fire conversation full of confessions, bemused self-awareness, and dark humor, with tangents that feel like late-night chats among friends.

For newcomers: Expect little structure and lots of wild riffs, but also moments of unexpected depth. The humor relies on self-deprecation, cultural references, and an insider vibe that quickly includes the listener.

Final note: No actual “emergency,” but plenty of attention-seeking chaos. The ‘Drew is gay’ episode is as much an inside joke as an invitation to share in the hosts’ profoundly unserious world.

Transcript

[Enya]

This is an iHeart podcast.

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Guaranteed Human summer blockbusters are back. The Odyssey and Spider Man, Brand New Day have taken over cinemas. And Raiders of the Lost Podcast has all the coverage you need, including our interview with director Destin Daniel Cretton. What surprised you about Tom Holland?

[Drew]

He shows up to every meeting early. He's the first one on set, aside from learning all of his lines, is also able to memorize every everybody's name on set.

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Download the free iHeartRadio app, search Raiders of the Lost podcast and listen now.

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The dream of the 90s is alive in podcast form.

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Kyle is going for it. Here you fully improvised, not just words, but a song about.

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Well, I thought you were all going to write a song.

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We recommend some of our recent episodes with Ben Stiller, Danny McBride, Riz Ahmed and Mary Steenbergen.

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Listen to Hollywood handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

[Enya]

Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. I have huge news. I am really brave, and I was about to fall into the most regenerative nap that would have ever been blessed upon me before this. But you know what? I. I was like, I need to. I need to get up and drink a Red Bull and, like, throw on some mascara and blush and be here for the people. Like, I need to do what podcasters are meant to do, which is, like, feed you stuff that'll send you into psychosis.

[Kai]

And that's what I love about you.

[Enya]

Yeah, I'm really like. Some people say I'm lazy, but notice how every week. No, I can't even say that. Notice how every week I'm here, like, most weeks I'm like, guys, sorry, we can't do an episode, and it's because of me.

[Kai]

It's in his fault almost every time.

[Enya]

Well, also, you know, okay, let me not even get into that, because I was gonna say, sometimes I literally am just like. I can't lie. Y' all have seen me on bad episodes where I'm just not giving, and I'm like,

[Kai]

yeah, it's. It's better to not have my bad energy or your bad energy put into the world.

[Drew]

Oh, no.

[Enya]

Vibe terrorism. Yeah, it's literally a thing, I think. Well, that's why most applications are hard to navigate right now, because most people are being vibe terrorists instead of, like, I don't know, vibe ascenders.

[Kai]

What happened to me this week? I feel like I had so much happen to me, but I can't remember.

[Enya]

Oh, my God. Well, you're.

[Kai]

Oh, I was invited.

[Enya]

House is literally being. Your friend's. House has a monitoring spirit.

[Kai]

Like, actively. Literally actively monitoring. So I was out to dinner with one of my friends, and his phone starts blowing up. Like, blowing up crazy style. Like, ring notification, ring notification, ring notifications. 17 ring notifications. And his system says, like, oh, is it a critter? Like, is it an animal or is an animal or is it a human being? Well, this one was saying human being, and we were like, oh, like, maybe it's like your neighbor kids threw a ball over the fence.

[Enya]

It was specifically the back door. Like, the backyard camera was, like, going

[Kai]

off and like, yeah, it was like his house is fenced, so the only. Like, an up high. So, like, the only way the cameras.

[Enya]

Yeah, I keep.

[Kai]

The only way the cameras can be activated by a human being is if they're over his fence. So lo and behold, we check the cameras. There is someone, like, just like, Chilling at his property, like, checking the doors, peeping through the windows, like, trying to actively get into his house. And the reason this is so crazy is because, like, we all know home invasion, true story. Has happened and been told 27 times. Well, this guy has also had a home invasion. Woken up to someone inside his home while he was in bed asleep. So, like, immediately we were both, like, t worded. We were like, trigger. Like, I was literally.

[Enya]

No, you were experiencing actual ptsd. I mean, it's like soon after the home invasion, when Orion accidentally ordered McDonald's to the apartment while Drew was there alone, and I was at my ex's house, like, eight minutes away, Drew called me and was literally shaking and hiding in the closet with a knife because he was like, I knew somebody just at the door.

[Kai]

Literally was having, like, a full blown. Also, if we keep looking and talking over here, our friend Mackenzie is sitting in, just listening.

[Enya]

The monitoring spirit in question.

[Lolly]

The monitoring spirit.

[Kai]

Yeah, exactly. But. So we're out to dinner. The guy's not leaving the property, and then he just decides to just, like, make it his home, I guess, and just, like, lays out on the couch and starts smoking.

[Enya]

Well, he posted up, unpacked a bit of his goods.

[Kai]

Yeah, he hid all of his stuff in the back of the house and then just was chilling on the property. And we were like, oh, he's like, not really harming anyone. Like, maybe he'll leave. Yeah, maybe he'll leave. We're not gonna, like, activate the sirens. We didn't call the police yet. We were just like, he's probably just looking for a place to sit. Yeah. So we were like, okay, I guess you can chill here. He was chilling there for, like, probably an hour. And then he starts, like, checking doorknobs, checking windows, like, seeing inside. Thankfully, all the doors were locked but

[Enya]

me, when I get bored in a new hotel room, and I wonder if that one connecting door is left unlocked by accident.

[Kai]

So I gotta go with the. Because it's like, two free rooms. Like, it's a free room.

[Enya]

Well, I just want to know if someone's on the other side.

[Drew]

When has that ever been open, though?

[Kai]

It's never been open.

[Drew]

I know, But I will always get that free room.

[Kai]

One day it'll. One day it'll happen one day. And you know how I say I'm going to win the lottery? Like, maybe that's my lottery win.

[Enya]

Oh, my God. Maybe your lottery hasn't even been, like, financial this whole time.

[Kai]

I know. What if it's love? What if it's a free hotel room. We haven't even considered these things. We've never considered things are being a

[Enya]

part of the lottery that have never been a part of the lottery before.

[Kai]

Okay, so before I get to go, never mind. So anyways, he starts peeping in the windows. So we're like, okay, maybe we sound the alarms because, like, he's actually trying to break into the house. So he sets off all the alarms outside. And I've never seen a human move slower in my life. He did not give a. He was like, girl, y' all like this. He like went back to where he was sitting, grabbed his crack pipe, grabbed his black and mild, and then just like walked down the stairs and it was. That was that or so we thought. We got home and checked the backyard and realized he left all his stuff there. And my knee jerk reaction was like, oh, he's going to come back for this shit. So there's a photo of.

[Enya]

He was like, they have to get these loud noises. Figured the fuck out.

[Kai]

And then I'll come back for now.

[Fred Armisen]

Literally.

[Kai]

Literally. And so I put trash bags on my hands because there were no gloves, and picked up all his goods and put them in the front of the house. Because I was like, I'm not throwing this shit. A trash can. Like, that's so mean. I'm like, he's going to come back for this. So we put it in the front of the house. We did, however, throw the weapons in the garbage can because we were like, I don't want him to have like weapons. Like, this seems crazy. Anyways, shit's in front of the house. We're just like chilling there. We're playing Mexican Train.

[Enya]

Trying to distract yourself. Trying to distract that there's impending doom. AKA

[Kai]

yes, by the way, Gray Gardens on in the background. It's a fucking vibe.

[Enya]

So if he hears little Ed and

[Kai]

E, he's like, we caught a fucking vibe, let me tell you that much. But so we're chilling there and our phones just like aren't on our person. And we finally get to our phones and there's like 24 ring notifications. He's fucking back. He came back and ran to the backyard, grabbed or went to the backyard looking for his shit. Didn't find his shit. Was like, bitch, I'm going to post up here for another hour. So we were inside with him just kicking outside, like literally smoking meth, by the way, or crack or whatever the fuck. And then we.

[Enya]

Yeah, like, it's like, how do you know? Unless I guess.

[Kai]

How do you know, but then he runs back down to the front yard shortly after and finds all his stuff. And then we thought, oh, maybe that's the end of wasn't he came back at 4am and we woke up to him sleeping there. He was just sleeping there, like literally like my room also you staying there

[Enya]

to like, as protection and like to console this person as a gay guy.

[Kai]

The protection controlling the straight guy. Like, let's talk about that. Kai, that's me to you.

[Drew]

I know. You do control me.

[Kai]

Oh, no, no, I meant protect. I meant protect the gay guy. Protects.

[Enya]

You mean console. And you said control.

[Kai]

Ye. That's good to know that. I do control gay guys. Like, yeah, I do control gay guys.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Kai]

And straight guys. But anyways, I was there to protect him and no, literally, that was the vibe. And then we were like, okay, he's like sleeping like 10ft away. Like we're going to let him sleep in. So we let him sleep in and

[Enya]

then giving the homeless man who found his favorite smoke spot a late checkout.

[Kai]

Exactly. Like he got. I mean, literally, it was 11. He slept from. By the way, he slept for 12 hours.

[Raiders of the Lost Podcast Host]

Hours.

[Enya]

He needed that.

[Kai]

Yeah, he needed that. And then it's been hot. He starts trying to break in again. So eventually we're like, okay, I think we have to call the police. Like, he's come back now three times.

[Enya]

Like, trying to come in.

[Kai]

Yes, trying to come in. And so cops get there, they usher him out and they're like, if you come back, like, we're going to arrest you. We're like monitoring the area. He came back. He came back. We called the police back and they were like, well, is he there? And we were like, no. And they were like, then what do you want us to do? And so he's just not honestly so fucking real.

[Enya]

Like, that's like the most police answer ever.

[Kai]

Exactly.

[Enya]

What, is someone dead? Okay, then what do you want me.

[Kai]

Especially in a major city. It was shocking how long it took them to get there. Like, we were ON hold for 35 minutes and then it took them another hour to get there. Like, well, we called them once and they were like, okay, like, what do you want us to do? And then like he started breaking in or trying to break in, and they were like, well, does he have a weapon? And we were like, the only thing

[Enya]

he had weapons last night, somebody literally inebriated on crack who already feels like this is his home. The only thing that separates my body from his is a glass pane. I want you. I want you to come and be like, hey, so not only is smoking crack illegal, but, like, maybe don't do it in someone's backyard.

[Kai]

Oh, by the way, the cops did not give a fuck about the crack. They pointed to the crack pipe, and they were like, oh, is that yours too? And he was like, yeah. And he just picked it up and walked away. Like, they did not care. Care at all.

[Enya]

I think I'm.

[Kai]

Which I'm like, period. I want to live in a, Like, a state like that, like, where I can do whatever I want.

[Enya]

Police are only like that because police are evil. And they also do crack, like, a lot. I'm not kidding. The amount of, like, body cam footage and statistics there are of police doing the drugs they do confiscate. Like, most police officers are just crackheads on top of being a bad person. You're a crackhead.

[Drew]

The cops doing the poppers that Justin Timberlake had in his trunk.

[Kai]

Wait, Justin Timberlake being on poppers? Like, I don't think that's, like, talked

[Drew]

about as part of the world.

[Kai]

We never really talked about my hello Kitty Hot Topic collab on here.

[Enya]

It was Sanrio.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah. San Rio. Yeah, I did a Sanrio Hot Topic collab and posted it on TikTok. I had to get the bag. I'm sorry. Like, I literally have to pay rent. Like, I'm sorry. And cinnamon roll.

[Enya]

I mean, I was excited watching it because I love a good haul.

[Kai]

Yeah, it was. It was actually really fun to make, but I was also just like, exhausted and humiliated because the same night, like, we had to do a live show. So I was like, oh.

[Enya]

And we did something that morning.

[Kai]

We were, like, doing shit all morning. I mean, we were prepping for the live show. Then, like, I had to drive all the way downtown, but I was with my mom, which was really cute because she, like, when she, like, sees me working, she's like, wow. Like, I did that. Like, I made that end. And she did. And she did. But anyways, I think the home invasion saga might be over because he hasn't returned. But however, he did go into the trash can and take his weapons out at some point. So he did fetch the bolt cutters. He did pull a Fiona Apple and fetch the bolt cutters. Oh. But I did also go through his belongings with the glove, trash bags, and

[Enya]

literally, the guy about being in that backyard.

[Kai]

No, literally, I've been in here too long. No, like, actually. But no, I went through his bags, and it was wild what I saw in there. I don't. I actually don't even think I can say it on here. I'll tell. I'll tell you all after. Like, it was. It was really crazy.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

And I touched it. Oh, well, yes. Well, I had to have sex with him to get him off the property, but I didn't want to talk about that.

[Drew]

You actually ran after him and had sex with him on the way out just to make sure he didn't come out?

[Kai]

Yeah, I was like, okay. Like, I'll. I'll bounce on it now and then bounce on it later.

[Enya]

Oh, my gosh. Hey, I just remembered me the story I was telling you about me at Sephora, like, yesterday.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah.

[Enya]

I'm so. I was saying to Drew, I am so happy. Like, the days I decide I'm back, I'm back to taking my Vyvans at least twice a week because, damn, I just don't work. My brain can't work without it. But I was saying to Drew, I'm so happy I did not take one yesterday before this encounter, because I was at Sephora early in the morning, like, just re. Upping on all my. And I was just, like, browsing around. I didn't have headphones on or anything. I was just, like, in their dolo, and I.

[Kai]

Okay. Not Addison Ray. Yeah, because you didn't have headphones on, so you're not Addison Rae.

[Enya]

So I'm in there, and I'm. I'm, like, crouching down, and to the left of me is this older woman who must have been, I'm assuming, like, in her early to mid-60s. And then. What? Couldn't have been older than, say, seven?

[Kai]

Yeah, she's probably six. Seven.

[Enya]

You weren't even also doing it.

[Kai]

You were like, well, yeah, this is, like, the gateway.

[Enya]

No, it's, like, evoking like, y'. All.

[Kai]

Oh, wait, yeah, let's actually have that conversation. 6, 7. Being appropriated from ballroom culture. Like, we're not having that conversation. Everything stems back to ballroom, though. Unironically, I mean.

[Enya]

Yeah, everything. Subs back to ballroom and black culture, like, everything. But what was I saying? What I'm about to say does not, though. It's actually. It's quite the complete opposite. And then there's this 11, 12 year old right next to me, and I, like, kind of can just tell the vibe is 10, so I'm being a bit of a monitoring spirit.

[Kai]

Boy or girl?

[Enya]

Huh?

[Drew]

Boy or girl?

[Enya]

Is a girl.

[Kai]

Okay, I was about to say a boy in Sephora, like, absolutely.

[Enya]

Because that's for girls.

[Kai]

Yeah. Makeup is for girls.

[Enya]

I Don't.

[Ari Chambers]

I won't.

[Enya]

I won't even let my boy have a pink. A crayon?

[Kai]

Yeah, like a marker. Ask me for a Barbie, you're getting thrown off the Golden Gate Bridge.

[Enya]

We have to remember, don't give your kids paint red and white together because they can accidentally blend and then make pink.

[Kai]

And that would be like, have to be careful.

[Enya]

And then they. They're going to start thinking about transitions. It's like, oh, look how easily things can flow. That's how they get your kids.

[Kai]

That's how they get them. The gay agenda.

[Enya]

I just remembered that the himself dementia president said that people were getting free birth.

[Kai]

Like, oh, the, the aliens, they were giving. They were giving transgender surgeries to aliens, basically.

[Enya]

His quote, like, that is the craziest thing ever. Okay, so like, they're going back and forth. Mind you, this girl has also a bunch of shopping bags. So they've got it like that. And she can tell. And she doesn't give a fuck about anything in her life. Like, because she's also 11, 12 years old. And like, I'm trying to remember exactly where I picked up, but she's kind of. Look, I know she's looking for like a lipstick or something. She's looking for a specific lipstick and her grandma is like, oh, well, do you remember the brand? And she's like, if I remember the brand, do you think I would be like, confused right now?

[Kai]

Wow.

[Enya]

And she's like, that tone, that response back to her grandma, everything the grandma says, the grandma is like, not pushing it. And then I did have a woke moment where I was like, you know what? I don't know what these people's lives are like back home. She might be getting beat the fuck up or something by these fucking adults. Like, who fucking knows? Maybe she has a right to this attitude. But the longer it went on, I couldn't help but feel like, no, this is a piece of shit child. Like, this is just like a bad egg. No offense, God bless the thing, and I hope it changes, but I don't foresee that. And she kept being like that to her grandma. And at one point she finds a lipstick she wants to try and her grandma's like, oh, yeah, that's a pretty color. You should try it on. And she's like, how am I supposed to see what it looks like on me? How? How? And then there's a mirror right next to her and there's another adult woman, like, looking in the mirror. And she's next. Like, this girl obviously is saying this with the hope that this older woman will move from that mirror and. Or the grandma will be like, oh, excuse me, can my, like whatever the. Use this mirror? And that does not happen. And she's just like, yeah, no, I'm just gonna stand here. I'm just gonna stand here with this lipstick then. And like, it's, it's the most. I was like, oh, my God. I guess I understand why old farts write kids like bratty teens to be like that. Because I'm like, I guess they do exist.

[Kai]

They do. That is especially like, all the people writing have wealth. So like, yeah, they only interact with

[Enya]

that kind of like, like evilness. Children starting the podcast alone, as many of you know, took us so long to actually commit to because even having the structure of a account on a social media felt insane to have to build out the backbone of. But luckily, Drew and I have been longtime users of Shopify. I've been a user of Shopify, literally, I think, since its inception. Like, actually though, like, yeah, because we've been on the Internet that long. Which really does put an age on me. Which, to make you respect my opinion,

[Kai]

because Shopify handles the setup and checkout, you have more time to focus on growing your business and the tools it takes to do it. Like Enya was saying, including the moment

[Enya]

your first customer is ready to pay, Shopify has you covered. Shopify checkout helps more of them finish their purchase. And when they come back, their details are already saved. One tap and they're done.

[Kai]

Shop pay is the goat. One click checkout and you're out of there. It converts way more customers that way. Just simplifying the process so you have

[Enya]

more time to focus on the creative end rather than all the technical work.

[Kai]

With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. If you're ready to stop putting off your business and start hearing, then you're ready for Shopify. Start your free [e-mail] intercom today. You heard that right. Start your free trial [e-mail] intercom. That's shopify.com intercom

[Apple Mac Ad Voice]

getting to a great idea is hard in college. Nonsensical essays, cringe inducing presentations, and seemingly unsolvable problem sets. But then the first thought becomes a final thesis. Jumbled slides transform into a polished keynote. And that midterm assignment gets a lot less mid. Because the road to great ideas is littered with bad ones. You just have to keep going until something clicks. Great ideas start on Mac. Find out more on apple.com college.

[Ari Chambers]

What's up, fam? I'm sports journalist Ari Chambers.

[Sam J]

Hey, what's up, y'?

[Apple Mac Ad Voice]

All?

[Sam J]

It's your girl, Sam J.

[Ari Chambers]

And we're the host of Everyone Watches Women's Sports, a new podcast from together. And I heart women's sports because, let's

[Sam J]

be real, women's sports is giving us way too much to talk about these days.

[Ari Chambers]

So Kelsey Finler, she became the first female solo rower to go from California to Hawaii.

[Sam J]

My first thought is, like, what's up with the. The snacks? Like, what are we.

[Kai]

What are we eating?

[Ari Chambers]

The highlights, the rivalries, the breakout stars, the moments that take over your entire

[Sam J]

timeline, and the conversations that start during the game and somehow keep going all week. Every week, we're breaking down the biggest stories across women's sports.

[Ari Chambers]

Naomi Osaka showing out. She beat Sabalenka.

[Sam J]

Shout outs to you, Naomi, you get the palm.

[Ari Chambers]

Naomi, you get the palm for that.

[Sam J]

Because we're not just interested in what happened. We're interested in why everybody. Everyone's talking about it. Because everyone watches women's sports. Listen to everyone watches women's Sports on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Carrie Brownstein]

Hey, Portlandia fans, Kerry Brownstein and Fred Armisen here, you know us, or rather, you know them. Tony and Candace, Nina and Lance, Spike and yes, the chicken.

[Fred Armisen]

We've played a lot of iconic characters over the years, but today we're showing up as ourselves to tell you about Podlandia Ao rewatch our brand new podcast.

[Carrie Brownstein]

Each week, we'll revisit an episode of Portlandia from the very beginning, breaking down the sketches, exploring the backstories of our most iconic characters, revisiting the Portland locations you know and love, and opening up about our creative process.

[Fred Armisen]

How did any of this get made? Why do we think that was a good idea? We're ready to talk about it.

[Carrie Brownstein]

And we'll also be joined by the people who helped bring it all to life. Guest stars, collaborators, and friends, including director Jonathan Krisel, the mayor himself, Kyle McLaughlin, legendary musician Amy Mann, and many more.

[Fred Armisen]

Kyle is going for it. Here you fully improvised. Not just words, but a song about.

[Sean Clements]

Well, I thought he was gonna write.

[Kai]

I thought you were all gonna write a song.

[Fred Armisen]

I remember you thinking that.

[Carrie Brownstein]

Listen to Podlandia Ayo. Rewatch on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Enya]

A you are what you eat.

[Kai]

I don't. Spoiled rotten children.

[Lolly]

A girl I was friends with in middle school hit her mom in front of me. Hit her mom And I yes, on her birthday because she didn't, her mom didn't get her the right Michael Kors watch that she wanted and she closed fist hit her mom. And I was like, what the. Like they're out there riding their outfit.

[Enya]

That's the scariest part is those people walk amongst us and they just keep that to their chest. And like the, the weirdest part is like that's not somebody who thinks anything is wrong with that behavior because she's doing it in broad daylight on a Tuesday morning in Sephora at the Grove. So it's packed. It might be a Tuesday morning, but it's packed and Michael Buble is playing everywhere. So like she should have some sort of peace in her heart at this moment and she just doesn't. So she's being like that. And then at one point her grandma starts walking around and looking for mirrors and I'm like crouched at one of the side sections looking at stuff and her body gets kind of close to me, just like kind of scooch to the side. Cuz I'm like the closer this gets and the more I hear of it, I feel like I can like feel my own voice. Like I'm like stopping. Don't say like I'm like literally just don't, don't intervene. This is not your business. I wanted so bad.

[Kai]

Had you taken that via Vance though, you would have.

[Enya]

If I was on a Vance I would have done exactly what I was thinking. Which was the wackest response and the most like Hillary deaf. Hey, like coming out of the like hey gay. You know that word has a lot of meaning, right? Like literally at one point finally her, her like grandma goes to find a compact beer, goes to adjust to fur and she's like oh great. Now it's pointed at my feet. Like she said that And I, it took everything in me. I wanted to turn and go, hey. Just so you know, the people around you die and they might die sooner than you even realize they will die. I, I didn't say anything because one, I don't think that little girl, that little girl has never been spoken to in a stern way in her life. And you can tell and people like that when they are actually spoken to with disc in a stern tone, they genuinely collapse within themsel. Like all the people you think are powerful and scary are so footed behind closed doors because all it takes is a louder voice and like a certain tone for people to just be tricked into thinking you're powerful.

[Drew]

I like getting yelled at.

[Enya]

We know bro.

[Drew]

I Like, getting yelled at, whatever. By women specifically.

[Kai]

He wants us to yell at him right now. But what about by gay men?

[Drew]

I mean, look at that smile.

[Raiders of the Lost Podcast Host]

I know

[Enya]

he was doing a bit to like, wait, joy has just jumped in his heart.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I'm obsessed and he can't even look

[Kai]

at me right now.

[Drew]

I know I am obsessed with gay guys.

[Sean Clements]

But.

[Drew]

Sorry, continue, continue your story.

[Enya]

But yeah, I really wanted to tell her that life is ever changing and that people die and that she might die tomorrow.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Especially for her evil actions.

[Kai]

I think. I think a lot of people would benefit from like. Like a sibling or a parent dying in their life.

[Enya]

Yeah, it's. It is, it's. It's up, but like, I mean, look, we're.

[Kai]

But I'm kind of being dead.

[Enya]

Seriously, it is, it is so up. But like, I mean, that's, I think, what makes grief so intense and so hard to navigate. Because it is such a monumental thing that like, affects every single waking moment of your life without you realizing it. Because, like, your whole attitude of everything changes. Because, I mean, death is the one thing that it's like. It's not. It's like the closest to a conspiracy theory with real results in front of you. Because, like, we have conspiracies of what happened after. And like, then we're left with this, like, void of like, oh, this thing that was physically here is no longer here.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. It's crazy that we're all gonna die. Immortality is crazy. You've hardly touched your liquid death peanut butter cup, Mr. Beast. Collab water.

[Drew]

Can they see?

[Enya]

Is this gonna be public?

[Kai]

Yes.

[Drew]

Dude, I'll blur it. I don't care. All right, here we go. Taste test.

[Kai]

It's so good.

[Drew]

First of all, you get hit with the smell before you get the taste.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And the smell. The smell is good. The taste. It literally just tastes like somebody left a Reese's cup like, at the bottom of this.

[Kai]

It tastes like a protein bar, but

[Enya]

it tastes like it's. It's like a healthy.

[Drew]

It's actually kind of good. It's actually kind of good.

[Enya]

A man. A man who's. No, no, no, no. Recognize what this is. Man who's been restricting himself from sweets has something. Cuz I've been there. Like, I've been there. I've been there.

[Kai]

Like, oh, wait, this apple slice. This apple slice with cottage cheese tastes so good.

[Drew]

Putting this in front of a keto person, they're going to go crazy. Yeah, this tastes. Tastes really good. It really tastes good.

[Kai]

You can have them if you want them, you just.

[Drew]

No, I'm gonna throw it. But it tastes like when you eat a Reese's and then you drink water

[Enya]

right afteresis, fall asleep for like a brief 30 minute nap where your mouth was actually closed the whole time. And then when you open your mouth, that's what you think.

[Kai]

India falls asleep with chocolate in her pocket. She does. There's chocolate stains all over every couch we get because she puts chocolate in her pocket.

[Enya]

I put candy and chips and stuff in my pocket, which is fine.

[Kai]

And I, I like experienced like the joys of what it can bring. Like I reach into Anya's pocket when we're in bed and I grab a chip and it's like really nice. But she falls asleep.

[Enya]

He's always like, oh, do you have more?

[Kai]

And I'm like, well, and.

[Enya]

And I just might.

[Kai]

She might. But yeah, there's like chocolate stains all over everything because she falls asleep.

[Enya]

I just can't stop putting stuff in my pants. No, it is actually I don't do it as much anymore. Specifically with chocolatey eyes items because I had to.

[Kai]

Well okay, you learned your lesson.

[Enya]

After the talking about wasn't even chocolate in my pockets. It was when I first started playing a bunch of Fortnite. I would like get a bunch of almonds.

[Drew]

This is a worse.

[Enya]

And like put them right here so that while I'm playing I could like grab them. And then I would obviously object permanence issues very quickly. I would forget the fact that I had all of these chocolate almonds here because I was playing a game. And then I'd be like, oh my God, oh my God. And like get had to lock in reposition. And then I sit like this for like three rounds of games and I'm like, oh my God, I haven't had a chocolate almond in so long. And then I'm like, wait, where are they? And lo and behold, it looks like I all over the couch.

[Kai]

No, she stood up one time like without knowing yet. And me and Josiah was like, we were like, did Enya just herself on the couch?

[Enya]

Cuz no, it was bad.

[Kai]

Really. It was gnarly.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Ari Chambers]

And it always.

[Enya]

I mean it makes sense physics. Like, like it'll go down and then into the. The crevice. The crevice being my butt.

[Kai]

Do you want to talk about club poop for a second?

[Lolly]

I feel like Ian's going to be so mad if I talk about that one. But I can like just do a brief on my friend Ian and I. Every night before bed we play this game where I will call him and one of us will act like the bouncer to Club Poop, and then the other person will act like someone, like, from kind of like the cast of Poop and Bathroom, like, trying to get into Club Poo. And the bouncers are really straight and

[Kai]

well, and everyone knows diarrhea. Everyone has diarrhea. Like, I.

[Drew]

That is genuinely one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Right. Club Poo. That's exactly the type of. That I like.

[Lolly]

Yeah. Everyone's like, no, I saw. I. I was like, dming with P last night.

[Enya]

Everyone was like, everyone.

[Kai]

Everyone was. And did y' all dirty tampon dancing on the table?

[Lolly]

I've never dealt with trying to get her in.

[Kai]

It was horrible.

[Lolly]

One time Bath Matt tried to get into Club Poop, and it was so hard.

[Kai]

No, absolutely not.

[Enya]

You have no business being in here. There's not even tiles in this.

[Lolly]

Yeah. You know diarrhea.

[Apple Mac Ad Voice]

Sure.

[Kai]

Right.

[Enya]

Yeah, we. Oh, I. We all know diarrhea.

[Kai]

Yeah. Right.

[Enya]

Oh, wait. Now that y' all can introduce. What's it called? Cicero. What's the Scaparelli disease?

[Kai]

Oh, Scaparelli disease. That's all I know.

[Enya]

That's what it's called.

[Drew]

100%. That's what it's called.

[Enya]

Paralysis or something. Thing.

[Drew]

Sure.

[Kai]

Psychosomatic cyclosperm. Sperma.

[Enya]

But yeah, y' all can add that because I know him. That I know him.

[Kai]

He's, like, problematic.

[Drew]

He's canceled.

[Enya]

Well, that's why I'm going.

[Kai]

Oh, well, then me and Kai aren't. Because he's canceled.

[Drew]

He's canceled. He has allegations. We're not pulling up to that.

[Lolly]

So you're not gonna separate from the artist or what?

[Enya]

Wait, I mean, that he's had. Yeah. Short amount of time. Yeah. Because I was just about to say he has touched a lot of lives. Like, really quick.

[Drew]

Uh, I. I wanted to talk about something. I had a topic really quick that I wanted to talk about. I got hit on.

[Sam J]

Ooh.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

I was girl or guy?

[Drew]

By a beautiful woman.

[Hayes Davenport]

Okay.

[Drew]

I was at Costco, and I was walking by the frozen fruit section, and this girl is like, do you like. Oh, I have. I have some, like, extra. Do you want it? And she had, like, a bunch of little cups of the fruit and was, like, really adamant about me having the fruit. And I was like, leave me alone. Like, I'm not interested. You're beautiful. But I'm not interested. And she would not. She was like, here, you can try a sample. Like, there's all these things here.

[Kai]

And I was like, no, Kai.

[Enya]

I think she works there.

[Kai]

Yeah, that's a Costco.

[Enya]

She probably is. Like, they're trying to push that brand of, like, frozen fruit.

[Drew]

No, I think she. No, I don't think so.

[Enya]

They're probably pushing the Kirkland brand, too. She might just, like.

[Drew]

They did say Kirkland.

[Kai]

Yeah, that was a Costco.

[Enya]

Yeah, that's an employee.

[Drew]

Oh, okay.

[Enya]

But. And I don't think she was hitting on you. I think that's, like, what they have to do to, like, customers and be nice.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Enya]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Drew]

Okay. Yeah. All right. What do you guys want to talk about?

[Enya]

For you, though, I was.

[Drew]

I was like, well, thank you. What do you guys want to talk about?

[Kai]

Well, I almost got shot by a taser.

[Enya]

I almost got shot by a taser.

[Kai]

You got me so bad for the first half. I was like. I got hit.

[Hayes Davenport]

I know.

[Drew]

I had.

[Enya]

I know.

[Kai]

I was literally, like.

[Enya]

I was like, oh, my God. Are we about to hear about, like, a great generational pull on Kai's end?

[Drew]

And maybe. No.

[Kai]

Well, Kai does get hit on. He just chooses not to touch on

[Drew]

every once in a while. I get hit on.

[Enya]

I'm sure you probably get hit on more often than you realize it, and you just don't like.

[Drew]

Yeah, I'm dumb. I'm like a himbo.

[Kai]

Yeah, he's a strong himbo. He's got big, strong bicep.

[Drew]

Seriously, stop.

[Carrie Brownstein]

Stop.

[Drew]

Okay. What were you saying?

[Kai]

You do have huge biceps.

[Drew]

I know. It's crazy. It's fucking insane, but what were you saying?

[Enya]

You.

[Kai]

No, I got shot by a taser.

[Enya]

Yeah, I wasn't saying. Drew was talking about how he's been playing around. Him and his friends think it's funny to buy weapons and point it at

[Kai]

each other and be like, no, no, no, no.

[Enya]

Just a bunch of gay guys hanging out.

[Kai]

No, literally. That's literally what it was. A bunch of gay guys hanging out. One of them was like, oh, do you want to see my taser? And I was like, yes, I want to see your taser. Like, what? I thought it was, like, the one where it's like. Like, you poke someone with it. No, it was a stun gun, like, shoots, like. And I was like, oh, this is so sick. Well, he pulls it out of the case and is, like, waving it around, and I'm like, okay, obviously, this gay guy has not been taught gun safety because, like, it was pointed directly at me for, like, multiple. Yes, like, sassy shooter. Like.

[Enya]

Like, it's a money Gun, by the way.

[Kai]

Concert, by the way. Taser in nightstand next to bed, next to poppers and lube. Not even kidding.

[Enya]

Jesus.

[Kai]

Yeah, it was one of the greatest things I've ever seen.

[Enya]

You never know which one you're going to have to pull out.

[Kai]

I mean, and I like electricity play.

[Drew]

I know.

[Enya]

That's attaching both of the needles. Stabbing both of your nipples.

[Kai]

Yes. Yes.

[Enya]

Ew.

[Kai]

Or either ball.

[Enya]

Someone has definitely put those needles into, like, nipple wrinkles and, like, shocked that.

[Kai]

I wish my nipples were sensitive. I'm so jealous of people with sensitive nipples. Like, it's so annoying.

[Enya]

But just get by some nerves, babes.

[Kai]

Buy some nerves.

[Enya]

Yeah, they're gonna have that soon.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

But anyways, Lolly like, waving it around, like, whatever. And then I'm like, is that thing, like, loaded? He was like, no, no, it's not loaded. And it load. And I was like, are you gonna unload it all over me? And he was like, yeah, I can. But no, he.

[Drew]

This is. How many fucking episodes are we on? Like, our brains are so cooked from doing this for 261 hours.

[Kai]

But he is, like, pointing it at the door now. And I'm like, okay, thank God it's not, like, aimed at me anymore. And he turns on the light on it. And, like, he was like, oh, I want to show you the laser. And I'm like, okay, but is the safety on? And as I'm asking if the safety is on, he pulls the trigger, shoots the taser across the room. Smells like a firework went off. By the way, confetti is inside. Yes. It shoots the prongs. Shoot the prongs like an inch into the door. And, like, when I went to, like, pull them out, it took, like. Like, so much force. And I'm like, holy, that goes into people's skin. I was, like, haunted. Like, I have pictures. But, yeah, it was. It was wild. I was almost killed. Loaded. Taser pointed out they're expensive as, but you can buy them online. Like, they're official.

[Enya]

I mean, that's lit. I guess if somebody had broken into my house. Be nice to have that.

[Kai]

Wait, did anybody look at the comments when I showed good picture of Mavericks?

[Enya]

Oh, I actually did. A lot of people didn't know, but then every now and then, it'd be like, a person who didn't know. But I do have a note that says, I always look back at a relationship and wish I owned a power washer. And I had that thought because I've been really wanting a power washer and Then I was thinking about how dangerous they are and how up until, like, a year ago, I didn't know they were that dangerous. And then I think about all the times I could have been in an argument with an ex and been in the middle of power washing something, and then just, like, without knowing, having have, like, whacked their leg with it. And, like, yeah, I would have shed some skin, but, yeah, that can, like,

[Drew]

cut into your bone.

[Enya]

Well, now I know that, but that's what I'm saying now. Upon reflection, I wish I had a power washer. Me and that knowledge, because I would have used it.

[Kai]

Me and Madeline would, like, shoot each other. I'm not even kidding. We would, like, have, like, Mark.

[Enya]

Sounds about white.

[Kai]

Yeah, no, literally sounds about white. It really is that, like, behavior adjusting your glasses.

[Sean Clements]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

Do I look handsome today?

[Enya]

Yeah, you really do.

[Drew]

Thank you.

[Enya]

I actually think you look very, like. Like, late 80s.

[Kai]

Wow. Maybe it's.

[Enya]

And then my other note is your

[Drew]

hair looks really good today.

[Kai]

Is it up and out of my forehead?

[Drew]

It's like, you have bangs, but it looks.

[Enya]

It looks really good.

[Kai]

I've been trying to style it, like, out of my forehead lately.

[Drew]

I see it's a little bit swept to the side. Yeah, look, you look like a Kennedy. You kind of got a giving Kennedy vibes.

[Kai]

No, that's what I was thinking.

[Drew]

Like, late 80s Jackie, girlfriend.

[Enya]

See a girl like me, I don't have to get right to the point. Like, if y' all are smart. When I said late 80s, you would have immediately known. That was the gag. I didn't have to come out and say, like, oh, you're giving jfk. You're giving.

[Drew]

Guys, we're a little slower.

[Kai]

Yeah, we're himbo.

[Enya]

Like, say you watch Love Story. I get it. Y' all watch Love Story.

[Kai]

He's a himbo.

[Drew]

Host this podcast with two himbos. I don't know what to tell you, y'.

[Enya]

All. The thing is, y' all actually think too much in an obnoxious way, so I would argue that you're both the opposite of a himbo.

[Drew]

Take that back. Take that back.

[Sam J]

Y' all are.

[Enya]

Y' all are the most living in your minds and not your body. Ass people I ever met in my goddamn life.

[Kai]

Don't say that. Don't say that.

[Enya]

And you know what? Sometimes y' all let loose and free. I'm like, hey, look at. Look at him in his body.

[Kai]

I'm disconnected. I'm really disconnected from my body.

[Enya]

That's okay because, like, a lot of times I am a mind and not a body.

[Drew]

But do you think the guy that did One guy, One jar was in his body when he filmed that?

[Enya]

Dude, no. That was mind.

[Kai]

That's an. That's a fun game to play.

[Drew]

That's a very interesting game to play.

[Kai]

Yeah. Mind, body, and spirit activated. Like, he was. He was fully in tune with the universe when he did that. Like, the universe was whispering to him, like, you're going to be a star, like, if you do this.

[Drew]

And what's the difference between that and a yoni egg?

[Lolly]

Seriously, how was that video presented to you in your life?

[Enya]

Oh, I think I. Yes.

[Kai]

Wait, come tell, come tell, come tell.

[Drew]

You need to spill. It's time to spill about One guy, One jar.

[Lolly]

It was presented to me, shoved in my face walking down the hallway in high school, my friend Sidney held me by my neck and made me watch the whole thing.

[Kai]

My God.

[Enya]

Oh, my God. That would literally. I think I would scream. Were you, like, Were you just in silence?

[Lolly]

She was. But also, it was like, during that era of time.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Lolly]

Where it was like, ISIS beheading.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Lolly]

Lively in full swing.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Lolly]

But it's so bad.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Enya]

Giovanna Pullman.

[Raiders of the Lost Podcast Host]

Yes.

[Kai]

I was about to say. Do y' all remember her name?

[Lolly]

Obviously, I've been on her Facebook.

[Enya]

You wanted to be here for Halloween last year.

[Kai]

And I think I might be her this year. Like, I think that's, like, holding it. Yeah, that photo is so.

[Enya]

And also the fact that she.

[Lolly]

She's the song that's playing.

[Drew]

Wait, I don't remember.

[Lolly]

It's two one, two.

[Kai]

Prophetic.

[Enya]

I was gonna say even about the guy with the jar up his butt. I would argue that both of those

[Drew]

212 is playing in that video, too. I'm just kidding.

[Kai]

I was like, this is crazy.

[Enya]

I was about to get so happy. Both of those videos, if framed right and put together in a gallery correctly, could be great pieces.

[Kai]

I've been talking about this lately.

[Enya]

Performance art. Like, there are so many moments. Moments on the Internet. Like, especially, like, pre. This era where I'm like, that is nothing but performance art.

[Kai]

Because the. Why it's the box in New York.

[Enya]

What are you going to gain where

[Kai]

they give birth to, like, gummy bears out of the vaginas and then eat them.

[Apple Mac Ad Voice]

Box.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Lolly]

It sounds like something they would do there.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Sean Clements]

They do.

[Drew]

They put, like, rats in there.

[Kai]

Okay. See, I've been talking about this, though, like, con. I wish I didn't say that, like, can completely change something. Like, just putting it, like, you're saying in the right context, like, is really major us. Like, yeah, but no, like the jar video. I'm trying to remember how it was presented to me. I was like, I think I might have found it on my own on like, what's that thing called? Like, Gore wheel. Yeah, like really, really gay. But what. It's like the. The Gauntlet. Run the Gauntlet.

[Sean Clements]

Do you remember that?

[Kai]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And Gore.com.

[Enya]

i just found out all about these because of a video essay I watched. I was like, not a part of that side of the Internet. I think I found it because. Because I was like, newer to like, Twitter and. But I know I was in like sixth or seventh grade. I like, I might have been in like seventh or eighth, but I know I was in middle school. And I remember, like seeing somebody mention it and I was like, what the are they talking about? And I just looked it up and I like, skimmed through and I just remember being so confused because I was just like, I don't, I don't. I don't know. Also, why did so many people watch this? I guess I'm one of them.

[Lolly]

Because it's cray.

[Kai]

Yeah. It's just you can't look away.

[Drew]

The way that I saw it was I took the SD card out of my camera, I popped into my computer and I watched the video that I just took back.

[Enya]

Your one take Wonder.

[Kai]

Your one jar guy.

[Lolly]

You don't know this sits so comfortably on a chair.

[Drew]

It took a lot of years of surgery.

[Enya]

The PT was unreal.

[Drew]

Three days straight. They had to take a lot of things out of my bunghole. But here's the thing.

[Enya]

Wait, so the jar. Wait, you were the first thing. Oh, that's why you're always talking about

[Kai]

jerking off with poop and glass.

[Drew]

Glass period.

[Kai]

Also, that is why.

[Drew]

Yes.

[Kai]

We're making connections so crazy that you never knew that.

[Drew]

Yes, I'm poop Glass. This is crazy. This is actually insane. Yeah.

[Apple Mac Ad Voice]

Getting to a great idea is hard in college. Nonsensical essays, cringe inducing presentations, and seemingly unsolvable problem sets. But then the first thought becomes a final thesis. Jumbled slides transform into a polished keynote. And that midterm assignment gets a lot less mid. Because the road to great ideas is littered with bad ones. You just have to keep going until something clicks. Great ideas start on Mac. Find out more on apple.com college what's up, fam?

[Ari Chambers]

I'm sports journalist Ari Chambers.

[Sam J]

Hey, what's up, y'?

[Enya]

All?

[Sam J]

It's your girl, Sam J.

[Ari Chambers]

And we're the hosts of Everyone Watches Women's Sports, a new podcast from Together and I heart women's sports because, let's

[Sam J]

be real, women's sports is giving us way too much to talk about these days.

[Ari Chambers]

So Kelsey Finler, she became the first female solo rower to go from California to Hawaii.

[Sam J]

My first thought is just like, what's up with the snacks? Like, what are we?

[Kai]

What are we eating?

[Ari Chambers]

The highlights, the rivalries, the breakout stars, the moments that take over your entire

[Sam J]

timeline and the conversations that start during the game and somehow keep going all week. Every week, we're breaking down the biggest stories across women's sports.

[Ari Chambers]

Naomi Osaka showing out. She being beat. Sabalenka shout outs to you.

[Enya]

Naomi, you get the palm.

[Ari Chambers]

Naomi, you get the palm for that.

[Sam J]

Because we're not just interested in what happened. We're interested in why everyone's talking about it. Because everyone watches women's sports. Listen to Everyone watches women's Sports on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Carrie Brownstein]

Hey, Portlandia fans.

[Fred Armisen]

Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen here, you

[Carrie Brownstein]

know us, or rather, you know them. Tony and Candace, Nina and Linda, Lance, Spike and yes, the chicken.

[Fred Armisen]

We've played a lot of iconic characters over the years, but today we're showing up as ourselves. To tell you about Podlandia. Ao rewatch our brand new podcast.

[Carrie Brownstein]

Each week, we'll revisit an episode of Portlandia from the very beginning, breaking down the sketches, exploring the backstories of our most iconic characters, revisiting the Portland locations you know and love, and opening up about our creative process.

[Fred Armisen]

How did any of this get made? Why do we think that was a good idea? We're ready to talk about it.

[Carrie Brownstein]

And we'll also be joined by the people who helped bring it all to life. Guest stars, collaborators, and friends, including director Jonathan Krisel, the mayor himself, Kyle McLaughlin, legendary musician Amy Mann, and many more.

[Fred Armisen]

Kyle is going for it. Here you fully improvised not just words, but a song.

[Sean Clements]

Well, I thought he was gonna write.

[Kai]

I thought you were all gonna write a song.

[Fred Armisen]

I remember you thinking that.

[Carrie Brownstein]

Listen to Podlandia Ayo rewatch on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Hayes Davenport]

Hey, this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook every episode. We're trying to help our guests improve their careers by mainly focusing on how they can help us improve our careers.

[Sean Clements]

The show is famously super accessible, so you can easily jump into any of our 650 episodes and understand what's going

[Hayes Davenport]

on we recommend some of our recent episodes with Ben Stiller.

[Kai]

The definition of what is a movie has kind of changed anyway, too, right?

[Sean Clements]

What do you think it is now?

[Kai]

It's images and words being spoken, captured by some sort of technology.

[Hayes Davenport]

Danny McBride, he loves Boba.

[Kai]

Oh, that's fantastic. And you make it on. You make your own.

[Drew]

That's great.

[Hayes Davenport]

I call him Tarot Read.

[Kai]

It's a good name.

[Sean Clements]

They're all named after cast members of American Pie.

[Hayes Davenport]

Yeah, I call. I don't. I never looked up if she was in this, but I call him Leechi Sobieski.

[Kai]

Yeah, I don't think she was an American Pie, but I still haven't looked it up.

[Hayes Davenport]

Haven't looked it up. She was prominent.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Hayes Davenport]

Then Mary Steenbergen.

[Enya]

Why are you guys talking to me

[Apple Mac Ad Voice]

like,

[Enya]

so down to me that you think I don't understand your little play?

[Raiders of the Lost Podcast Host]

Play?

[Hayes Davenport]

I just really. I'm trying to set you up for success here.

[Sean Clements]

Listen to Hollywood handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Drew]

I'm Poop Glass.

[Enya]

So you don't have to say your name at the door for.

[Drew]

No, they let me in. They just let me in.

[Kai]

Yeah, He's Poop Glass.

[Drew]

I walked right by.

[Enya]

Look how happy I am.

[Hayes Davenport]

I know.

[Kai]

This is really major.

[Drew]

The look on Yoni Egg's face when I walked by them to walk into the club.

[Enya]

Y Egg. Oh, my God. This girl I went to school with sells boric acid and, like, yoni eggs and stuff. She drop ships.

[Lolly]

I. I don't know if she can

[Enya]

get into Club Poop. I think we would love her. I think she wants to pop up. I think she would love. She. I'm pretty sure she does, like, bottle girl stuff every now and then, too, so maybe she could, like, get a gig. Like she can't. No. We'll see.

[Drew]

I think she's trying to get in on the business.

[Enya]

Really want to be someone's bottle girl for. For their birthday. Like that to me. Sounds so funny. Getting high. I don't know that I would, like, dress the part all the way, but I really would love nothing more than to hold a huge sign and a, like a, like, light up, like, firework thing and walk through, like, my tomorrow.

[Kai]

Yeah, let's make that happen. I know.

[Enya]

No, but I want the setting of, like, it's a hookah lounge or something, and it's kind of like ran through in there. Do that tomorrow. I know.

[Kai]

Like, Josiah was at a hookah lounge, like, literally three days Ago. I don't know. And he was, like, dead serious. Thank you for joining.

[Enya]

Thank you, guys. If you notice that I have mismatching socks, let it just be known that that is a true example of how often I use my socks from Doublesoul. I'm not kidding.

[Kai]

All I have is these colorways are so fierce and comfy.

[Enya]

Drew and I are the face of their new campaign. We're the faces, babe. So if you guys want to. To re up your socks, you should do.

[Kai]

There's, like, five pretty colors.

[Drew]

Can you guys put your feet, like, way closer just for the camera?

[Kai]

You want to see our feet so bad, bro?

[Drew]

No, no. This is literally for the brand. Can I just.

[Enya]

No, but, like, we don't need. Like, they're not asking us to do that. So, like, that's not a. Like, why I think you want our. Okay closer to the camera.

[Drew]

Okay. I'm just gonna say this. Pop the socks off and just give me the socks, and then I'll do it for you.

[Enya]

Are you actually gonna get onto him?

[Kai]

I feel really, really violated.

[Enya]

So weird. Ew, Drew, your fucking toes gripping that cabinet.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. Here, I'll give you the sock back.

[Enya]

Yeah, Drew.

[Kai]

Wait. Y' all seeing my feet and being like, no, put that back.

[Drew]

The middle toe gripping white knuckling. The fucking orange trick.

[Kai]

Put that back. Put that back.

[Enya]

No, I can see that his middle toe is still gripping.

[Kai]

I'm really insecure by my feet. I have ugly feet. I don't.

[Drew]

You do not have ugly feet.

[Enya]

Wants a compliment on his feet. I guess you did have a poor wiki feat rating. And then he, like, Trump rigged the voting, literally.

[Hayes Davenport]

He.

[Enya]

He played dirty, and he was forcing people to go out of their way, and he was offering Teslas and stuff, like a David Dobrik situation, except to go and vote on his weekend feet.

[Kai]

And they did, and now I have a 2.7, I think, instead of a 0.3.

[Enya]

Oh, my God. I can't believe.

[Kai]

No, it was. It was real. Like, I. I'm not kidding. Like, I do have really ugly feet for the foot fetish community. But, like, that's okay. I'm okay with that. Like, I. I don't have one myself, but when I interact with people with foot fetish. Babe, when I interact with people with foot fetishes, like, I get. It's literally like having sensitive nipples. I am so jealous. Jealous of that. It's literally like doing heroin.

[Enya]

Take care of your feet.

[Drew]

That's like, when I think about that,

[Enya]

I'm like, go get your toes down.

[Drew]

That's almost like being able to see a color that doesn't exist. Yeah, I don't. I have no clue.

[Kai]

You know mantis shrimp?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

They can see the most color.

[Drew]

Really? Yeah, that.

[Kai]

The. Like, the widest spectrum of color.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

And they can punch their. Their punches underwater so fast that they, like, break the sound barrier and create little bubbles.

[Enya]

It's not even just a punch. It's their claw. Claw snaps so fast. And when something moves that fast underwater, it creates an air bubble because it evaporates the water around, literally on some avatar, and it becomes they essentially, their hands are guns.

[Ari Chambers]

Oh, wait.

[Enya]

The pistol shrimp. That's what I'm thinking of. I'm literally thinking about the pistol shrimp. That's what it's called.

[Raiders of the Lost Podcast Host]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Mackenzie has a gun in the studio. It's really making me uncomfortable, but you guys don't seem to care, so.

[Kai]

Yeah, well, it's okay.

[Enya]

It's making us perform really well. Well. And then it makes me think Joe Jackson.

[Kai]

I need to take a picture of that.

[Enya]

Oh, my God. I just found out last night that you could pay for chat GBT and, like, AI and stuff. And I did not know that. And that is.

[Kai]

I was teaching her about Deep Seek last night.

[Drew]

Oh, that's good. The economic attack.

[Kai]

Yeah. The bubble bursting.

[Enya]

Dude, I just cannot believe it. I really cannot believe AI. It's so funny when people are like,

[Kai]

I need to invent gay I guy, where it's like a queen, like, talking to you. Or it's like, how many poppers do I drink? And it's like, babe, don't drink poppers. Wait, maybe I should make that. And it's my voice, and it's not AI.

[Enya]

It's like, select answers. It's more like Zohar Kane's, like, protests are happening. The Canes protest. Did you see this? The, like, pea protest that happened at the new Raising Canes in la? I have to find it.

[Kai]

It's going to be impossible to find. We'll text Josiah and show you after.

[Drew]

Have you guys seen the Raising Canes ad? That's fully AI generated. No, no, it's. I think you saw it. Yeah. It's 100% AI generated. And, like, you can see in the. It's like Chuck Norris and he's fighting SWAT team guys, and he's, like, throwing chicken tenders at them. But in the background, you can see the door, like, moves. And it's, like, so shitty. And I think that they did it. I think that their only justification, which it's still not really a justification, but. But it's because he's dead. And they, like, posthumously did a ad with him, and they're like, we can't do it without him.

[Kai]

Weird as fuck. I know about, like, you pay like a living person. Maybe.

[Drew]

Yeah. To be Chuck Norris.

[Sam J]

I would.

[Kai]

Chuck Norris estate or just, like, cast, like, another personality.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Unless he had, like, a contract in perpetuity that it really is giving that now. It's like, till the universe ends.

[Drew]

His soul is captured by kids.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Kai]

He's gonna live on forever in Kane's ads. Well, I promised I'd talk about this. This episode in the last episode, but I got locked out of my hotel room in New York really late. It was so funny. Really late at night. It was after a night out. And I also.

[Enya]

It's not his hotel room. It's his parents hotel room.

[Kai]

No, no, it was my hotel room.

[Enya]

Oh, oh, oh, that's okay. Okay. I just remembered how this story ended up going in my head. I thought it was so funny because I thought you were hitting their door all night, but you.

[Kai]

Oh, it was so. I eventually did end up doing that, and it didn't work. But my parents were staying in the same hotel as me. These key cards deactivate, like, so easy. It's, like, crazy. If they, like, get anywhere near another credit card, which, like, what's the point of it being key shaped if you can't put it in your wallet? Like, literally, they deactivate. Yeah. Cart card shape. Well, I went out, had a fucking blast. I actually got, like, way more drunk than I am. They expected to. And so I'm like, stumbling through the hotel. Mind you, I'm staying on, like, stumbling.

[Enya]

Gay guy stumbling through hotel alone at night.

[Kai]

And I'm like, I'm literally locked out of my room, and I don't know what to do because my name isn't on the room, because it's under my twin sister's name who was also staying in the room. And I was banging on the door, and they weren't hearing me. And I felt bad because it was 4am I don't even remember, like, the point of the story, like, what was so funny about it other than me just, like, getting locked.

[Enya]

Well, because he kept texting me and Drew trying to call or me and Josie and trying to call us. And he's like, guys, help. I'm gonna throw up. I think I throw up in the hallway. We just kept texting him, being like, drew, no. But we were like, I don't know, like, what are we supposed to do for you? And he was like, guys, seriously, how am I gonna get inside?

[Kai]

And like I did start having a little panic.

[Enya]

Yeah, he was like just freaking the out and trying to get me and Josie to help him, but we were like, we literally can't help you. You're like drunk as on like 3am in New York.

[Kai]

I was staying in Times Square, which is really crazy, in a hotel that was under remodel. Like it was being remodeled actively. So like the hallway was like the scariest thing I've ever dilapidated.

[Enya]

All the wallpaper has been stripped down

[Kai]

and people weren't just like filtering in and out of rooms. Like people were living in rooms. So like I was in, in people's like front yards essentially, like bitching and moaning and banging on a door.

[Enya]

Yeah, you were like rolling around on the floor because you were just like, I'm gonna throw up.

[Kai]

And people had like little dogs that would like in the hallway and stuff. And it was just the hallway smelled like dog piss and shit. By the way, dog cannot get in.

[Drew]

It doesn't, it's not getting in. Yeah, like that face card is getting declined every single time.

[Ari Chambers]

Slow night.

[Kai]

If it's a slow night. Yeah, if it's a slow night.

[Enya]

I feel like anyone's up, first come, first serve.

[Kai]

But yeah, I don't even remember the story.

[Enya]

But I don't even remember the story.

[Kai]

Yeah, hey.

[Enya]

Well, I remember that I had a lot of hate to give the UK when I first went because it was the worst time of my life. And I, I, I like London now, so, So I lift my curse. I'm lifting the curse. The curse has been lifted. You will all be so happy.

[Kai]

Little be cursing Kevin Durant, you cursing London.

[Enya]

I wish I could curse people. I actually think I do. I genuinely think I do curse people. And like sometimes it's a hard, it's like it's unironically a hard weight to carry. Like knowing that my words are so powerful and I accidentally just curse people all the time. Cuz some that comes out of my mouth, I'm like, that's so funny. And then it comes to frictition and I'm very scared. I'm very scared. And I never meant for it to.

[Kai]

Obviously it's all subconscious.

[Drew]

Holy shit.

[Enya]

It's just in my imagination.

[Drew]

I just saw the taser picture.

[Kai]

Oh yeah, the barbs. It's really with the barbs.

[Enya]

The worst part is then he reloaded it and bent over and had his friend aim it Directly at his nut sack.

[Kai]

And it felt really, really good.

[Drew]

And do you have photos of that that I could insert?

[Enya]

No, we can't insert it because it went through each testable.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. I'm a nothing burger. Nothing guys. Nothing soda. But it's zero.

[Enya]

Zero cal.

[Kai]

Zero calories.

[Enya]

Zero cal, zero sugar. Y' all are complaining about a nothing burger, but think about. It's no sugar.

[Kai]

There's no sugar. There's no sugar. It's keto.

[Enya]

The nothing burger is keto.

[Kai]

The car dealership is blowing my up.

[Enya]

My media of the week is actually. Oh, my God. I just realized I accidentally have started to watch a show that's a part of the Big Bang Theory universe.

[Kai]

Sheldon.

[Enya]

No.

[Kai]

I love young Sheldon.

[Enya]

I'm going down a weird path in my life. Not. Not weird. Cuz that's.

[Kai]

You like young Sheldon, right?

[Enya]

Who's saying. You are so rude.

[Lolly]

I can't even defend myself.

[Enya]

I'm just back here.

[Kai]

She said she liked it. No, I love young children.

[Lolly]

I. I don't know. I know nothing of it.

[Enya]

Drew loves young Sheldon.

[Kai]

I really do. You know, Young Sheldon Clockett.

[Enya]

It's literally called Stuart Fails to Save the Universe. But it. It's an HBO series, and it actually is. I'm like, okay. I actually really like this. It's, like, funny. And I was, like, talking to somebody about it. I was like, I like it because it feels like just like average TV that's kind of plebish, but a lot of the sentiments and ideas are actually universal, a bit heady, and, like, it's just like an interesting take on, like, New Age Apocalypse. Apocalypse, which I. I really like. It's just like a new insight to, like, comedy sci fi that I haven't seen yet. So I was like, oh, that's fun. And I was talking to our manager about it, Colin, and he was like, I'm pretty sure that's a Big Bang Theory show. And I was like, what?

[Kai]

And then, welcome to the Big Bang Cinematic Universe.

[Enya]

I know I'm a part of the Marvel Universe. And then I was saying to Colin, I was like, colin, I. You're a great manager, but where the is my Marvel contract? Because, like, it's about time, like, Locked, it started viral in 2013. I'm 13 years into the game. Where's my Marvel contract?

[Kai]

Let's have these conversations.

[Enya]

No, having a Marvel contract actually sounds like, bitch, I would start doing meth and shit. Like, you're kind of untouchable at that point. You're literally in the Marvel Universe.

[Kai]

I Mean, I think they all do low key.

[Hayes Davenport]

Yeah.

[Enya]

A lot of people will do a lot of things. A lot of people doing a lot of things.

[Kai]

My media is Gray Gardens. I did not know that existed until three days ago.

[Enya]

I think we've had conversations about it before.

[Kai]

I don't. I don't think so. I. Because I watched it and it was all new to me and it's the most shocking.

[Enya]

Maybe it's like a very girl centric thing. I think that might be it. It's like, really? I feel like I've been fed like

[Kai]

the like visual gay guys in my life, like know about it too. And I just. I guess I just.

[Enya]

So you are straight?

[Kai]

Well, obviously.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Kai]

You know that better than anything about

[Enya]

you is you did know about Gray Gardens and you love basketball and I love that box.

[Kai]

Thank you. Gray Gardens. It's great. Tap in and then Pal Paleta by Romulus.

[Drew]

Drew's obsessed with Romulus

[Enya]

with Olivia Rodrigo. And I'm going to the festival. Kai Shout Out Kai. Kai was the plug.

[Drew]

I'm going to the festival and I said that you're gay, so I think you can go too. Drew.

[Kai]

So annoying.

[Enya]

So annoying though, because he low key is straight and he, he's faking that.

[Kai]

Well, blow my cover. I'm going to get close to.

[Enya]

That's why I sleep in his bed night. Because he's like the kind of straight guy, he's like, well, if I don't fall asleep with a woman in my bed, I'm probably gonna, in the middle of my sleep end up walking into a random person's house.

[Kai]

And like, why is that a problem? I guess you know my cover literally

[Enya]

almost by like making me sleep.

[Kai]

I'm almost like there.

[Enya]

Yeah, you're almost ready to like let something come in.

[Drew]

All right, guys. My media is Romantico, the album by 800 cherries. And also the reason why I said say this is if there's anyone that listens to the podcast that knows them and can put me in touch with them, please do so because I need to. I need to do something with them.

[Enya]

I don't know, are they still making music because the albums that are out or like re released have been out.

[Drew]

I actually Veronica emailed their label and they responded immediately.

[Enya]

Oh, I wonder if it's like, because there are a lot of artists like an 800 Terry's even like, oh my God.

[Kai]

Is it for what I think it's for? Wow, that's sick.

[Drew]

I just want to put it in the film.

[Enya]

Oh my God. That would be so awesome for the

[Drew]

montage of all the.

[Enya]

Oh, not the Sundays. Maybe it's the Cranberries. It's one of those. A lot of artists from that era have been re releasing their music and I'm like, some of them are working on new stuff, but then some of them are just re releasing because, like, My Bloody Valentine kind of did that. They took off Loveless.

[Kai]

It's all tick tock.

[Drew]

They just remastered this album in 20, 20, 22, so.

[Enya]

Oh, okay, that makes sense.

[Kai]

What you say about twink, huh?

[Enya]

Twink.

[Drew]

Twink.

[Kai]

What did you say about Twinks?

[Drew]

I didn't even say the word twinks. You just heard that. Oh, that's very weird. And you're very weird. All right, guys. Thank you guys so much for listening to emergency intercom.

[Kai]

Whoa.

[Drew]

It's like 90 degrees in here, man. Come on.

[Enya]

Yeah, I know. It's really hot. I got to get out. Get me out of this place.

[Raiders of the Lost Podcast Host]

Summer blockbusters are back. The Odyssey and Spider Man, Brand New Day have taken over cinemas. And Raiders of the Lost podcast has all the coverage you need, including our interview with director Destin Daniel Cretton. What surprised you about Tom Holland?

[Drew]

He shows up to every meeting early. He's the first one on set, aside from learning all of his lines, is also able to memorize everybody's name on set.

[Raiders of the Lost Podcast Host]

Download the free iHeartRadio app, search Raiders of the Lost podcast and listen now.

[Enya]

Hey, Portlandia fans, Carrie Brownstein and Fred

[Fred Armisen]

Armistice in here, the dream of the

[Carrie Brownstein]

90s is alive in podcast form.

[Fred Armisen]

We're launching Podlandia AO Rewatch our brand new podcast where we revisit every episode of Portlandia together, breaking down sketches, going deep on our iconic characters, and pulling back the curtain on how it all got made.

[Carrie Brownstein]

And we'll also be joined by the people who helped bring it all to life. Guest stars, collaborators, and friends, including director Jonathan Krisel, the mayor himself, Kyle McLaughlin, legendary musician Amy man, and many more.

[Fred Armisen]

Kyle is going for it. Here you fully improvise, not just words, but a song.

[Sean Clements]

Well, I thought you were all gonna write a song.

[Fred Armisen]

I remember you thinking that. Listen to Podlandia AO rewatch on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Ari Chambers]

What's up, fam? I'm sports journalist Ari Chambers.

[Sam J]

Hey, what's up, y'?

[Enya]

All?

[Sam J]

It's your girl, Sam J.

[Ari Chambers]

And we're the host of Everyone Watches Women's Sports, a new podcast from Together and I Heart with women's sports, we're

[Sam J]

breaking down the Biggest Headlines Naomi Osaka showing out shout outs to you Naomi. The Viral moments I've been obsessed with chrisean Rock's boxing journey. She looks good, her combos are swift

[Ari Chambers]

and the stories everyone's talking about across

[Sam J]

women's sports because everyone watches women's sports. Listen to everyone watches women's sports on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

[Hayes Davenport]

Hey, this is Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook every episode. We're trying to help our guests improve their careers by mainly focusing on how they can help us improve our careers.

[Sean Clements]

The show's famously super accessible, so you can easily jump into any of our 650 episodes and understand what's going on.

[Hayes Davenport]

We recommend some of our recent episodes with Ben Stiller, Danny McBride, Riz Ahmed and Mary Steenburgen.

[Sean Clements]

Listen to Hollywood handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Enya]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Sam J]

Guaranteed Human.