Drews hole is sentient

Summary

Emergency Intercom – Episode: "Drew's Hole is Sentient"

Release Date: July 14, 2023
Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips
Description: Emergency Intercom is a comedy podcast by Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips. There is no emergency, but there is an intense need for attention, so maybe listen up… You don’t want to know what happens if you don’t. (We will be violent.)

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Overview

In the episode titled "Drew's Hole is Sentient," hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips engage in a candid and comedic conversation that traverses a variety of personal anecdotes, social frustrations, and philosophical musings. True to the podcast's comedic roots, the discussion oscillates between light-hearted banter and more profound, sometimes uncomfortable topics, providing listeners with an entertaining and thought-provoking experience.

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Key Sections

1. Embarrassing Moments and Social Awkwardness
2. Frustrations with Automated Systems
3. Road Rage and Aggressive Driving
4. Personal Relationship and Dating Stories
5. Faith, Spirituality, and Organized Religion
6. Mental Health and Therapy
7. Interactive Games and Listener Engagement

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1. Embarrassing Moments and Social Awkwardness

The episode kicks off with Enya sharing a highly personal and awkward experience about losing her virginity in an unexpected and uncomfortable situation involving her friend's mother.

• Enya: "I lost my virginity this morning... It was your mom's birthday tomorrow." [01:22]

Drew reacts with disbelief and amusement, highlighting the absurdity of the situation and setting a humorous tone for the episode.

• Drew: "Oh my God. You're like actually prodding me. I'm already sharing so much information." [01:26]

The conversation delves into their personal quirks, such as Enya's loud laughter and Drew's belief that most people around her aren't real, hinting at underlying feelings of isolation or detachment.

• Drew: "I am genuinely convinced, like, 98% of the people that are around me... aren't real." [03:29]

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2. Frustrations with Automated Systems

Enya and Drew vent their frustrations about modern automated systems, such as automated customer service calls and robot interactions, expressing a strong desire to speak with real humans.

• Drew: "If you're ever speaking to a robot and you want to speak to a human, just say, human, human, human." [09:24]

They discuss the annoyance of dealing with automated systems and the lack of genuine human interaction, emphasizing how these experiences exacerbate their everyday frustrations.

• Enya: "There's nothing else in this life that makes you more angry than talking to, like, an automated system." [09:42]

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3. Road Rage and Aggressive Driving

The hosts share personal stories of road rage, detailing instances of aggressive driving and the irrational anger that arises from minor triggers like honking.

• Drew: "Anytime I drive now, like, I get road rage, but only for like, 13 seconds." [12:14]

Enya adds her own experiences, highlighting how technological distractions and aggressive drivers contribute to their stress and frustration on the road.

• Enya: "What makes me that mad is people chewing sounds." [10:44]

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4. Personal Relationship and Dating Stories

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to sharing awkward and humorous dating experiences. Enya recounts her first kiss in middle school, emphasizing the discomfort and embarrassment she felt during a public display of affection.

• Enya: "I make out with him while all our friends stood around us and watched... It sucked balls." [21:29]

Drew shares her own story of a first kiss at a Justin Bieber documentary, expressing ongoing feelings of embarrassment and insecurity about that moment.

• Drew: "We kissed and that was it. I'm still, like, humiliated by that." [25:24]

Their stories intersect with humorous moments, like accidentally discussing intimate details in settings where they shouldn't, adding layers of awkwardness and comedy.

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5. Faith, Spirituality, and Organized Religion

The conversation shifts to a more serious tone as Enya and Drew explore their views on faith and organized religion. They critique the negative aspects of religious institutions, such as hypocrisy, rigid moral codes, and the imposition of dogma.

• Drew: "Organized religion is a big scam... it just like rips apart their families." [30:38]

Enya reflects on her upbringing in a non-dogmatic religious household, contrasting it with Drew's experiences in a strict religious environment that fostered feelings of alienation and skepticism.

• Enya: "I got lucky that I didn't grow up in a super religious household." [32:11]

Drew shares her journey of deconstructing her faith, expressing a desire to exist as her own "god" rather than adhere to traditional religious structures.

• Drew: "I am existing as my own God." [31:52]

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6. Mental Health and Therapy

Addressing mental health, Enya discusses her relationship with her therapist and her struggles with anxiety, emphasizing the importance of professional support in managing personal challenges.

• Enya: "I have a therapist who actually texted me... I'm never going to be normal because I'm 24." [34:16]

Drew adds to the conversation by expressing a sense of personal growth and the complexities of finding solace outside traditional religious frameworks.

• Drew: "I'm a good person and I'm a spiritual person." [28:12]

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7. Interactive Games and Listener Engagement

Towards the end of the episode, Enya and Drew engage in playful interactions, including playing “F, Marry, Kill" and discussing media recommendations, which adds an interactive and entertaining element to the show.

• Drew: "We're going to be battling on TikTok... Please donate to me." [36:32]
• Enya: "We'll do the gay quiz and the morality scale... Oh, my God, what’s wrong with you?" [38:37]

They conclude with sharing their favorite media from the week, including song recommendations and upcoming plans.

• Enya: "My media of the week is ‘Simple Kind of Life’ by No Doubt." [41:35]
• Drew: "That song makes me feel so nice." [41:52]

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Enya: "I lost my virginity this morning... It was your mom's birthday tomorrow." [01:22]
• Drew: "I am genuinely convinced, like, 98% of the people that are around me... aren't real." [03:29]
• Enya: "If there was a rock around me when somebody was chewing on food and it hit my brain that way, I think I would bludgeon them to death." [11:50]
• Drew: "Organized religion is a big scam... it just like rips apart their families." [30:38]
• Enya: "I got a therapist who actually texted me... I'm never going to be normal because I'm 24." [34:16]
• Drew: "I am existing as my own God." [31:52]
• Enya: "My media of the week is ‘Simple Kind of Life’ by No Doubt." [41:35]
• Drew: "That song makes me feel so nice." [41:52]

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Conclusion

"Drew's Hole is Sentient" encapsulates the essence of Emergency Intercom by blending humor with honest, sometimes raw, discussions about personal experiences and societal frustrations. Enya and Drew's dynamic interaction offers listeners both laughter and moments of reflection, making the episode a balanced mix of comedic relief and meaningful dialogue. Whether dissecting embarrassing moments, venting about automated nuisances, or contemplating deeper existential questions, the hosts deliver a captivating and relatable narrative that resonates with a wide audience.

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Media Recommendations:

• Enya's Picks:

  • Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt
  • Muskrat Love by Willis Allen Ramsey

• Drew's Picks:

  • Flash Cannon Casanova by Yabujin Night Walker
  • Sick Boy Rari by Hamid Al Shar

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Closing Remarks:

Enya and Drew wrap up the episode by acknowledging the short length due to their recent absence and encouraging listeners to support them by purchasing merchandise. They reaffirm their commitment to providing engaging and entertaining content despite personal and logistical challenges.

• Drew: "Sorry for the short episode. We've been stacking episodes because we're gone for a month and a half. Also, buy our merch." [42:17]
• Enya: "Thank you guys so much for watching." [42:14]

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Advertisements Skipped:

• Initial Ad: Ryan Seacrest promoting Albertsons and Safeway savings. [00:00 – 00:30]
• Final Ad: Ryan Seacrest repeating similar promotions. [42:53 – End]

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Note: Advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections have been omitted in accordance with the summary guidelines.

Transcript

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[Unknown Speaker 1]

Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Guys, something really big happened today.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

What?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I lost my virginity this morning.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. I didn't want to tell you and I know it's weird that it happened at like 6am Wait, to who? Okay. Oh my God. You're like actually prodding me. I'm already sharing so much information.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

You don't know them. They go to a different school. Like hello? Like are you lying? Like what the heck?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I actually didn't want to say cuz it was your mom.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh my God. It's literally my mom's birthday tomorrow.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, well that's why I cuz I took her virginity too. Which is weird because you're here.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

So it's like she lied to you.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

No, she was a virgin.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

She bled everywhere, is a total slide. Total slag. I am so sweaty today.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

It's been really hot in the house. It's back to being hot. Look, it's literally 99 degrees.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh wow.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I don't know if the sun is blocking it, but it's literally 99 degrees in here. So hot.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Wow. That's.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

But with that being said, I'm really sorry and all I can say is I'm just gonna go off my note and this has nothing to do with you, but I can't believe people feel embarrassed but doing things in public. Like I. I forgot who I was talking to. Oh. I was like walking around with like this group of friends and one of them was like you are like too crazy and I don't think I could ever hang out with you alone because of like how loud I laugh and I, like, I'm so quick to make jokes about everything.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah, you're a funny girl. You make people laugh. You're like a comedian girl.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Funny things happen. Been to me, but I'm just too funny and too loud and rambunctious for a lot of people. But genuinely, I think the one video that comes to mind that I know everybody will know when we reference it was me yelling in the elevator, like, stairwell at the mall. And people being like, how is she doing that? Like, how is she not embarrassed? Like, blah, blah, blah.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

We can't take you anywhere.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I'm crazy. I'm crazy because it's funny and it's literally so hilarious. Be so loud and make people look at you.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Literally. Who cares? Because those people. I am genuinely convinced, like, 98 of the people that are around me at all times at any given moment genuinely aren't real. And, like, that might make me a narcissist or a sociopath, but, like, I don't believe it. I'm not buying it. I'm not real. Like, I'm.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

What's. Don't. Hey, don't. You're not supposed to do that publicly. Don't do that.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

It's hiding in plain sight, babes. Like, if you do it.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yes. I guess they don't.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

They're like, oh, like, he would never. If he was actually in the Illuminati, he would never actually do that.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, okay, okay, okay. I mean, I'm. I'm it up now, because now they. We'll cut that out.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No, it's all in plain sight, babes. Is it real? Is it. We're good.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. So that wasn't real, but, yeah, I just was thinking about that because I just don't feel embarrassed. Actually, the things I feel embarrassed over are, like, it comes and goes so quickly. And I'm not one of those people who sits and remembers things that embarrassed me. I can't think of a single thing that happened that I was like, oh, that was so embarrassing and humiliating. Like, I almost passed out. I wanted to throw up. And it was so uncomfortable. Because genuinely, if I do feel embarrassment ever, it goes away so fast. Like, I'm like, oh, that was embarrassing. And I almost say it, like. Like, I'm just mimicking the humans around me. I'm like, guys, that was so embarrassing because I think it was supposed to be, and I just have to say it so people don't think I'm crazy.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah. When I do, when I get, like. There are a few specific things that come to my brain When I think of like times I've been actually embarrassed, one of them is farting in front of my whole class during reading time in like second grade. Most horrifying experience of my life. Like I, I guys, I didn't fart in front of anybody. Even like in public. Like I didn't fart any in front of my friends, in front of my family, in front of my twin sister. Like I didn't fart in front of anybody to fart. I would, I know how to make my fart silent. Cuz I have a big gaping butthole and I, it's just so super stressed out. They're like, it just like breathe. It's like a breath.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

It's like you ever.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

It's prolapsed too a little bit.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

But it would or I didn't fart in front of anybody until maybe this year, like maybe last year at the most because like it for some reason farts like, like they're hilarious to me when they're not mine. But like my own. Like I was just like indoctrinated into this like anti fart household where it was just not funny. Like no, not even my brothers farted in front of me.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Like that's disgusting. Don't fart.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No, it wasn't even like that. Just none of us farted in front of each other. Like it was crazy.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

It was really crazy spoken shame.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Wow. Was that hard for you?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

It was pretty difficult. What was I even saying about that? Because we were talking about times I've been embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

That's funny because you let out the most wet like okay, yes, it wasn't.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Wet, it was shitty. Like it was a shitty dookie fart, but it was not wet.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Like did it literally like sounded like it came out of the ass of somebody who just want a hot dog eating company.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Tell me why. When I was in the bathroom after that I was like, wow, why was that like one of my greatest acting performances of my life? Cuz I was like I like every once in a while like I'll hear a sound and like get PTSD written and freak out and think someone's in the house. And like I'll be like wait, wait, pause the tv. What? What is that? Pause that, pause that. Hurry. And then it turns out to be our neighbors walking up the stairs or some bullshit.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, this. Okay, yeah.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Well like before I let out this like diabolical, demented, disgusting biggest fart of my life, I made a big fart out of my butt. I was like, I Gave just this performance. I was like, wait, wait, wait. Guys, guys, guys, pause that. What is that sound? And then I bent over and went, dude.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

No. It was literally like. It was like. Like, yeah. It was like, literally, like insane. It. It took shapes of its own. And me and Josiah literally were so, so shocked by it. We didn't even say anything. We were just like, oh, it was so loud that my cup was. You were next to the table. My cup was on. And I moved my cup because I literally got the intrusive thought that I would get, like, pink eye or like.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Something shitty doo doo flakes. Let's answer it.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Hello. Are you looking into upgrading your home? Oh, my God. Human, human, human, human, human.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Click 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. Over and over again. Guys, if you ever are talking to a robot and you want to speak to a human.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Hi from the Energy Efficiency Agency.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

How are you today?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I'm good.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Thank you for asking. That's a robot. The reason for this call is to inform you that. Are you a robot? Are you. Are you a robot?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, this is a robot. Are you a robot? Is this a robot?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I really want to speak to a human, guys. Okay, life, tick, life getting serious because.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

We still haven't paid our gas.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I know.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I was like.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I was like. Because I heard sounds in the backyard this morning, and I was like, oh, wow, they're still are doing the thing.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

This is so annoying that we're still doing this. We'll pay it. We'll pay it before we go away for vacation. But we haven't paid our power and our gas. And every time I hear sounds in the morning of, like, men around the house, I'm like, yeah, they're going to turn off my water. They're going to turn off the heater.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Same. But life tip, if you're ever speaking to a robot and you want to speak to a human, just say, human, human, human. And clicking 1, 1, 1, 1, 1st, 1, 1, 1,1, 1. Over and over again. And it overloads their system or some, because, like, it has worked without fail. Like, that's.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

There's nothing else in this life that makes you more angry than talking to, like, an automated system.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No, it's. It's really like, one, they're replacing jobs. Two. I don't want to speak to a stupid robot. Like, literally, what the. Oh, my God. AI has been in front of us this entire time, but I don't want to speak to a robot. I want to speak to a human. Like, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. It's just like, literally not chill. Not chill. Like nasty boots. Like, I hate robots.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Remember when they first started in plot putting in self checkouts and literally the whole Internet exploded and was like, we're meeting our end. Self checkout is the devil. It literally is. Because, like, now they just take pictures of your face all day and scan your shopping habits and they're collecting data on all of us, which I keep saying that and I'm afraid of and I don't know what it means, but also, that makes you mad. And then I'm trying to think of something else. I'm like, what makes me that mad? Like, that genuinely pisses you off. And I think what genuinely pisses me off is people chewing sounds.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah, it's. That is the one thing that you cannot do.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I like, genuinely. No matter how much I love you, no matter how close we are, if you are chewing like a fucking animal around me, I will actually cut off.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

The thing is, is it's not even chewing like an animal. It is literally just natural human chewing sounds. Like, I could be like. Like twice. And then you'll be like, okay, you need to fucking stop now. Like, I'm not fudgeing. Kidding. Like, I'm going to fudgeing kill myself. You need to stop.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Like, it hits a part of my brain and then sometimes it doesn't. And because like. Like Kai chewing gum the other day, literally, oh, my God, it was driving me fucking crazy. And Josiah eating his fucking carrots. He was actually eating them like a fucking child, though, because he was crunching on them and chewing with his mouth really loud open because I think he liked hearing the crunch sounds, but I couldn't do it and it was freaking me the fuck out. And chewing, just like, it hits a primal part of my body and brain that genuinely triggers caveman, like, anger. Like, I want. If there was a rock around me when somebody was chewing on food and it hit my brain that way, I think I would bludgeon them to death.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh, my God, you're fucking crazy. It's this. It is never that deep. Like, it is literally never that deep.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

You know what I mean, though? Like, it's just like a rage that goes.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Like, it feels like a. Yeah, like a blackout. Like a seeing red.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, but. And I know it's such a stupid thing to get that angry over, but I genuinely can't stop it. Like, it's not by choice. It just takes over me.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Something else is when I'm driving and someone honks at Me, Even if I'm in the wrong, like, I'm literally like, shut the up. Like, you're literally like a coward. You have Napoleon complex. You're a small little man, and you need to use your big horn because you aren't hurt in your life and your wife is cheating on you and you're being cuckolded by your boss.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

And, like, exactly.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

It's crazy. Like, I'm literally getting angry about it, like, thinking about it, but, like, literally anytime I drive now, like, I get road rage, but only for, like, 13, 13 seconds. Like, someone. Like, I don't remember what it was, but I started chasing after them. And then I was like, what am I doing? And I'm about to miss my turn, so I got to turn. It's crazy.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, it was that guy who you were going the speed limit and literally behind you. He was tailing your ass and honking at you.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah. And then sped around me and I.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Was in a Kia Soul.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh, yeah, it was a Kia Soul. I'm sorry, love if you drive a Kia. So, like, you're over, like, hamster commercial get you like that?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

How did they get you?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Wait, those commercials are actually so lit.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

They were lit, but then, like, you were into it, and all it took was blinking your eyes once to realize you were watching CGI hamsters dance around a tiny car.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah. You know what other commercials, like, ingrained in my brain forever? The Gatorade commercials where they were sweating Gatorade out of their pores. Like, some of the hardest, like, commercial graphics ever. I've been, like, obsessed with, like, promotional campaigns recently. Like, obviously, we all know the Kill Bill campaign. Like, slashing blood spraying all over the wall. Like, that vibe. Like, creative. Like, I think it was like Coca Cola that did, like, showers. No, no, it was Sprite maybe, or Vitamin Water. But, like, basically they went. They built like, showers at a beach that were shaped like fountain sodas. Like, you know, and they were showers that you push a button and it rains on you. And it was a promot for, like, Sprite or something. Literally. Love guerilla marketing.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I love the. What's the other one? There was like a. It's like a Mercedes one.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

The mer.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

It was a BMW. Yeah, it's like once you start going fast enough, then you'll look like us. And it was like the Mercedes logo spinning fast enough that it looked like a BMW logo.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yes.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Whoever made that up was on one and had to have done a little bit of math.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Cuz what the are you talking about?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

How did you conceive that genuinely?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

What are we talking about right now?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Also, just like that BMW Mercedes. Like mutual symbiotic beef, public beef. But behind the closed doors, like everybody's winning was so sick. Literally, so sick.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Well, I keep thinking about all the weird that happened in middle school that I have kind of talked to. Talked about, but I need to talk about again. And I was just thinking about, like my first kiss the other day. Like my first proper makeout kiss. What? You've never made out with someone?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Absolutely not.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Are you saving yourself or something?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yes.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Okay, if I'm a. You're a freak. What now you're a holy man?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I'm a holy man?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. I know some holes.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh, yeah. I got gaping holes.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Was it you? But if you've heard this story, just listen to it again. I don't care.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

But my us to each other after every story we've ever genuinely. 36 times. We have these same conversations every single day. It's really, really crazy.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

The only new things are like, mic drops of the really sad dark that's happened in our life where we're just guys. Sorry. Your last day.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

This is June 13th, the last day. I'm hitting this. This will probably come out two or three weeks after the fact. I'm not hitting this anymore. I swear. I'm holding it down. It's for my beautiful mother. Happy birthday to you. And we don't want to get copywritten. Strike. Love you, Mom. Happy birthday. She listens to. My mom listens to every single episode of me talking about spraying shit and poop out of my butt and farts.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Well, my parents don't. Which is like, actually kind of sad. But I guess my mom literally wouldn't understand. Yeah. Like, what is she going to be listening for? But I wanted to. Yeah, I wanted to reiterate my first kiss. And if you've heard it, I'm sorry, because I have told it like eight times because it's actually probably the funniest story ever to me. So it was like sixth or seventh grade and I was just started to date this kid because for Valentine's Day. Okay. I mean, like, it's only natural.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

It's natural for men today.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh. I mean, okay, he courted me. I didn't court him.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Okay, but you still pursued it.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

But also me saying courted over seventh grade, like foolishness. Okay. So setting the scene. It's like sixth, seventh grade. Take Care is on the radio all the time. You already know the vibes. The Vibes are elite for Valentine's day he gets me this really big. Like seventh grade, I think.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Your first kiss till seventh grade. Holy.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I actually do think it was sixth grade, but I don't remember. Like not because I'm not a loser. Like I lost my first kiss really easy actually.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Damn. Sorry. Keep going.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I was gonna say something else.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Your virginity?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Not my virginity. I did lose my virginity when I was 18.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Wow.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Because I. I am a law abiding citizen.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I lost mine to a 30 something year old when I was 16. I wish that was a joke.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I know it's not.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Military vibes.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Sure. That's what I was gonna say. I was gonna say something. Never mind.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

And I lied and said I was joining the army too.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, you are a part of the army.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

We'll tell that story another day.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, one day. One day coming soon. But whatever. We start dating on Valentine's Day. This is just a cute thing to mention. I was really into polymer clay during the time. So I made him and he was like. His cousins and him were all like graph writers and. And he would graph write his name with the Superman s. So I made him a Superman logo.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

He's such a toy.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, he's a toy. He's like, not really about it, but I made him a Superman logo pendant and gave him a necklace with that pendant on it that's so cute for Valentine's day. And he probably got it and was like, bitch, I do not want to wear this. Because he never wore it.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

But also, it's like exposing himself.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, it's like embarrassing too. It's just too much.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

But it's of kind cute.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

That was my cute gift. And while I was making it, Take Care is playing and I was like, I would take care of him.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

E. I was like, I was like.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I literally would take care of him.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I wish I had that feeling.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

It's crazy. You've had it once and then it blew up in your face and like set your life on fire.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah. It's not even. Also, it's not even that like my walls are built up. It's just like no one is intriguing.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. And I feel like you're also at the age now where you know so many cool people. So finding someone is like, only harder. Does that make sense? I feel like when you get all the dating out young, it's like, okay, I know what I like. I know what I don't like. Like easy said and done. And then you're used to like the game of it. So you can date really easy. But since you haven't it's, like, too much to just jump in with a random. Yeah, that feels crazy. I feel. I bet.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No. Yeah. I'm like, why would I literally ever do that?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Why would I do that when I know some of the coolest people?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Like, genuinely, I have, like, more than enough love from the people that I surround myself with that, like, I will literally just have sex with people when I need it.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. Yeah. When your urges.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah, when my primal urges kick in.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

But that is besides the point. That was just a cute thing. So we're dating for. I don't remember how long, but we were all friends with the same people. And our mutual close friend. I'll just say. I think this was. This was her nickname, so I'll just say it. Our mutual friend Cece was like, y' all, like, need to make out. Like, you haven't made out yet. And I was like, I know, but I'm just, like, nervous. Like, I don't want to make out. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. She's like, oh, my God. Like, everybody wants to make out. You need to make out with him. And I was like, okay, fine. Like, I'll make out with him. Which is, like, such a funny conversation to be happening in the middle of what, like, English class? What the fuck are we talking about? And. And so I didn't have the same class with him. I had, like, a band class while they had.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

You were in band?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Like, history? No, not by, like, choice. They just, like, had us in a musical class. I never touched a fucking instrument in my life.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Nerd.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Okay, well, I was a slut, so I couldn't have been a nerd, but I guess I was, like, a nerdy slut. Hybrid.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

You were, like, bad teacher.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, I was, like, hybrid in the.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Stone Cameron Diaz vibes.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

But basically, they told me to skip class because all his friends were in his class. So I skipped class while they had lunch and went to the hallway while they all came back from lunch early so they could watch us make out. And I stood in the hallway with this kid and made out with him while all our friends stood around us and watched, like, the weirdest shit ever. They all just stood around and watched. It sucked balls. He got spit all over my face. I was so uncomfortable. I hated it. It was so, so weird when, you.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Know, like, that post, like, make out dried spits.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

No, literally, like, wiping my. My, like, mouth on my sleeve. I was like, okay. And I just backed up. And then their teacher came to, like, let them in the room and looked at me and was like, enya, you don't have this class right now. I was like, oh, my teacher let me, like, come in, whatever. And then she, like, looked at us all and she was like, what were y' all doing? And I was like, we weren't doing anything. And then proceeded to give us a lecture, like a really religious lecture, about how you should be dating to marry. People don't date for fun. You date to marry, to find your significant other for the rest of your life. Dating is a fun activity. You're supposed to be doing it to lock it down. And she looked at me and she was like, do you want to be with him for the rest of your life? And I was like, I don't know. Because I was literally in fucking, like, sixth or seventh grade. I was like. And then she sent me to the vice principal and I got, what, PT for skipping class. So she not only did she ru my vibe, she was literally a boner kill. Yeah, like, actually, she ruined the vibe. And she sent me to what my school called pt, which was physical torture.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I hated.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

And I had to do crab walks in the hot sun for a lame ass kiss. But the funniest part is, after doing all that, I go home and my friend Cece calls me. She's like, oh, my God, we didn't get to talk. Like, how was it? And I was just like, oh, yeah, it was so good. Like, it was literally the best. It was more than I could have ever expected. Like, it was so good. And she's like, oh, my God, Good, cuz he's on the line now. What if I told you that sucks? She's like, here, I'll get off so y' all could talk to each other. I was like. And then she just, like, left us on the phone. And I was just standing.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Wait, cece was that girl, though.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I know. I was just standing with the family phone that anybody in my house could pick up at any moment and hear my conversation, which we need to bring that back because that kind of, like, eavesdropping is top tier. But then I just stood there awkwardly, like. Like, I don't even know what we talked about. I think he was like, hey, like, how was the rest of your day? And I told him I got pt and he was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And then it was kind of silent. Then.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Wait, so you got P.T. and he didn't?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

No, he didn't, because he wasn't skipping class, so he was fine.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I Thought it was because of the.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

No, it wasn't because of the kids. I think it was both. I think she was shaming me and being like, damn, girl, you're missing your education for something misogyny. Yeah. For some bad kissing. And I was like, yes. And then we did break up soon after that. And then my next boyfriend was a good kisser. We would make out all the time in the hallways. And I was one of those people.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

You're so nasty.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I was really one of those people who literally, like, in the middle of classes would be making.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I literally can't look at you the same.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

My seventh grade boyfriend in the middle of the hallway. And. And then.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh, my God, you've always loved love.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, no, I just. I have a problem and I really need attention.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah. Yeah. My first kiss was at the Justin Bieber documentary.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

In the movie concert. I was like, whoa, you have to go to a Justin Bieber concert?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No, no, no. But I told everyone I was selling fake tickets to it. To a Justin Bieber concert?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

So annoying.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Okay, well, what happens? Like, how did you land your smooch at the Justin Bieber documentary?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I literally turned and was like. And we kissed and that was it. And then we sat like this the rest of the movie. I'm not joking. It was so awkward. And that's one of those things that. No, for real. That's one of those things to this day that I'm still, like, humiliated by. It was just that moment. I don't know why. It was so scary to me. There's like a couple moments that happen, like in high school that I'm just like, oh, my God. Like, why did I do that? And then one of them, like, I called you about, like, freaking the out.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Which was like, literally the one of the craziest.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

That is like, actually insane.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah. It's not even embarrassing. It's just like. It is, but it's also like, just mean.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, it's more so just like mean spirited and wrong.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah. Guys, I was hate crimed.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I watched your face.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Like, I wish I was joking.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, it's not funny. I'm sorry.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No, no, no, it's. It's funny.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I can only laugh.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

That's.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

No one tells me anything for. Actually, I think I am good with sympathy. But for the most part, if it's crazy, I have to laugh first. And then I'm like, I'm actually sorry. That's really up. And I'll go into my empathy, but life is too crazy.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

That is like, actually Literally, it's actually so funny and, like, insane. Like, the circumstances of it all and just, like, really weird.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Also just so ass backwards. Like, you doing the right thing. Turning into that is so that I think that's what makes it comical is you were being like, I'm. I'm one of the nice guys.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No, literally, I was like, no, we can't be doing this. We can't be doing this.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

And then it bit you in the ass. And that goes to show. That's why you should be evil.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I know. That's why men are evil.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. It's women's fault. Usually. I feel.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yes. Yes.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Also, I'm a little sick because we went to see Janet Jackson. I got my way. We went to see it. It was best night of my life. But these women gave me a full glass of wine. And because I have issues, and if something's in my hand, I can't not have it. On the way out, I was feeling pretty fine, but then I chugged it on the way out because I'm crazy. And by the time we got down the hill, I felt so drunk, and I was like, oh, now I'm drunk. And I was asking random people for cigarettes. And after screaming to Janet all night and smoking, I my throat up. And it's not the first time I it up, but.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Ew. Whoa. Well, this is one of the only notes I have taken. If God ends up being real and I go to hell, I'm literally going to freak the out, like, at the. And I literally am, like, going to hell. Like, no, I'm a good person.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

So that's why I'm saying, like, I'm.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

A good person and I'm a spiritual person. I, like, believe in something. Like, he's just not giving me enough or it is not giving me enough proof to, like, no if it's real or not. Like.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

But also it's like, the whole idea of, like, okay, and God bless anybody who, like, is an overachiever in their faith. Like, I. This isn't to discredit it, but it's kind of like the idea of the overachievers in high school. Like, I'm sorry to use you as a. Yeah. Like, example, but this got straight A's. Really thought he was gonna be a doctor. Look at where he's at. He's sitting here talking about his gaping hole and farting.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Like, smoking a rotten puff bar.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. Like, you just you. And that's how I feel about practicing your faith in real life. And the bat the ends. People will Go to prove that they are good enough and worthy enough to be accepted into this place. I'm like, girl, there's so much actual evil you could be doing. Trust and believe you can kiss somebody before you get married and you will.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Get in like for real. Also, like, also, since you're so close.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

With them, text them when you get there.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No, it's really crazy. And like, just so I. I love this saying, there's no hate like Christian love or something like that. Like, have you heard that there's no. No, it's just so real. No, but genuinely, I'm like, there's such a hateful persons. Like, I don't want to align with that. I do have like faith in something. I don't know what the it is, but like organized religion one is a big scam and a finesse and really scary. And like, I've seen what it does to people and how it just like rips apart their families. And I've seen it like destroy people's psyches. And they were great, great genuinely kind people. And then like, I've seen them just go down this rabbit hole of conspiracy, like anti gay, like just all this really, really gnarly bad that just like, is so heartbreaking to witness. And it's all for what, like a Bible that isn't true that was written probably it that. That's the other crazy part about the Bible is it has been translated a billion times and like literally go on Google Translate and translate like I like sucking ass to Spanish and then put it back into English like it doesn't work. It's not real.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Also, if the thing you believe so heavily in hat has such a costly effect of negativity towards so many people, I just don't understand how that doesn't make you step back from it and reconsider the values of this thing you believe in. And, and obviously I understand, yeah, I understand that like people need something. Everyone needs something. I'm so sure that if I didn't have like the love and affection I have from you guys and my family and my love life and like, like the successes I've had, I would have to turn to something. And that might be religion. It might be something like more negative, whatever, and there are more negative things to turn to. But when your religion literally starts making it that you're on your iPhone, screaming into your iPhone, chomp, please, with the rainbow on it.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Something, something is really.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Something is really wrong.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Got lost in translation, like actually for real. But I don't know. I like deconstructed my faith, like, when I was, like, 15, 14 or 15, and it was like, literally one of the scariest, hardest moments of my life. And now I am existing as my own God.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Kind of not in, like a delusional.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, like a delusional, like, scary way.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

But, like, in a way where I'm like, oh, I'm like stardust. And I'm like, 99.9% empty space. And, like, none of this really actually exists once you're dead. So, like, live it up, babes. Live it up.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, I just. I also think I got lucky that I didn't grow up in a store super religious household. Like, my parents are definitely religious. My parents believe in God, but they've never pushed or implied any of the rules and kind of gnarly ideology that came along with it. I was never told, like, God is watching, or, like, same, you'll repent or like, whatever. Like, I. I was never told I would, like, pay for my sins. Like, I was just taught basic moral ground rulings that parents teach kids. Their kids, like, don't lie, don't do this, don't do that. But it was never followed. Like, and if you do do that, you're going to burn in eternity for all of your life. So enjoy your fun while you have it, I guess.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Exactly. My family.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, crazy.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

My family was like, the exact same way, where they were just like, you can do whatever the fuck you want, which is the sickest way to raise your children. Like, if they want to go to church, support it. If they don't want to support it. It was so sick. And they raised me so well. Look at me. I'm talking about my gaping butthole on a podcast right now.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I mean, you can ask for better raised.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Perfect. No, but genuinely. And then, like, what was I gonna say? What were you just talking about? Oh, like, the reason why I was, like, indoctrinated into this shit was because I grew up in the Bible belt in south fucking Texas. Like, whatever.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

It's, like, bound to happen when that's the community around it.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

My harsh reality was finding out geographically, Texas is not really the South. But, I mean, it is like, hello. Like, I'll write that.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I feel like, culturally it is so now what Good. But, yeah, religion is really intense. And if you are religious, this is not to bash you. No, take it like that, please, because I do.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Save me. I'm not joking. Like, save me.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I will say I've always felt this. Like, I genuinely wish I had a connection to it because I Feel like it would calm a lot of the anxieties I have. But instead, I got a therapist who actually texted me the other day.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Whoa.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I have to text her back. But it's crazy. Like, I don't know, like, we were making jokes, like, she needs that check. She's missing a patient. But I actually do have, like, such a good relationship with her. And it is crazy because I was just two nights before going on an emotional sobbing tangent about how I need to finally see a psychiatrist and something's wrong with me and I'm never going to be normal because I'm 24, like, inching towards 25, and I still feel the same way I did when I was 14, but so scary. It doesn't change.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Just wait till you turn 25 and you realize that.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, you think I'm making it to 25?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I'll make you make it to 25.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I'm so sorry. I'm going to get up for one second to get water.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I need water too. Women don't get wet.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

What?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Women don't get wet.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

You've never made a woman wet.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

That's all a myth. Okay. I wanted to play F. Mary Kill.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Because. But I don't know with who. I just have F marry kill written down.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Okay. I'm gonna give the three people. Oh, okay. Tati, Shane Dawson or Jeffree star.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh, wow.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Wasn't that a good one? I do. I'm gonna get mine because I already know. Yeah. I'm marrying Tati. Jeffrey. I'm killing Shane Dawson.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I might switch Jeffrey and Shane.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Whoa. That's crazy. I guess, like, neither are, like, the most viable. Okay. Jeffree stars on Tick Tock. Doing Tick Tock. It's life Battle.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

So crazy.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Something crazy has shifted in the universe.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Funneling. Funneling money from his fans into his.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Bank account as he needs it.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

It's so crazy. I hope that money is being donated or, like, I don't know what the that money goes to, because when we get tipped, we don't get the money. So I'm like, is Tick Tock just getting out? I don't know. The whole tipping culture on Tick Tock, I don't understand. Is really, really crazy. With that said, me and Annual are going to be battling on Tik Tok. Please donate to me.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

4Th 10am PST.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Please donate to me. Okay. F marry kill Orion. Josh. Josiah.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Whoa. Okay, well, I'm marrying Orion. Dude, this is gross. This is, like, so gross. But I'm having sex with Josh and I'm killing Josiah.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Wow. Because mine is the exact same.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, because I literally.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I think Lucas killed me.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Like, I can't imagine Josiah like Josiah. And you genuinely don't have genitals. And I don't want to know if you do.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Babe, I have genitals. Let me tell you about it. Also, before this episode ends, because we literally have to run. Like, we have to leave right now, let's do a love compatibility test between us.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Wait, is that the thing that's, like, when, like, you would put Justin Bieber's name in?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah, exactly.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, wow.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

So I'm gonna do the love calculator. Wait, Love combility names test.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

What is it? Okay, it has to be more than that.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah, that's not. Chill. Hold on. I'm taking out the last name.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

86.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

What's the science there?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh, wow. Wow. Right below that when I'm talking about my babe over here, I get an am I gay? Quiz. This is crazy.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

You should take that. We'll do that for another episode.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah, we'll do that for Patreon.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

We'll do the. The gay. There's, like, the gay quiz and then the, like, morality scale.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Yeah, and also, like, there's another one.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, my God. What's wrong with you? You know what I will say, Drew, is you're looking very masculine. Like, something in my primal body is like.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Like, I'm like, hey, is that the same for you? I am talking to you. I heard your heart flutter.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I heard your heart fart. It's crazy because there was other, like, stories from high school that I wanted to tell that are, like, sometimes just too much. Oh, actually, I'll tell this one from middle school that I am very aware is a gnarly fucking story. I'm very aware, actually. I literally.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

It can't be worse than me spray painting a kid.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, it is.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

No, it's not. I spray painted a kid.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Well, it's worse because it's like, we were literally kids. So this is crazy. But one time during my dating, the, like, popular guy who was a really good kisser who we would, like, make out in the hallways with. I was walking to lunch with everybody, and you had to walk past the band room and to get to, like, the lunch to the cafeteria. And this kid, I'll just call him Jay, was holding the door.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Jay, Cyrus and Doja Cat.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. Jay, Cyrus and Doja Cat were at the door, and Jay was like, anya, come here. Open this door. And I was like, what's behind the door? He was like, nah, you're A, you don't want to open the door. I was like, what's behind the door? I'm not a. And he was like, open the door. Like, I dare you to open the door. Have I said it on the podcast?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Okay, just finish it though.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I opened the door and there were two kids engaging, who I knew engaging in sexual acts behind the door. And everybody had ran up behind me to see it. And I felt so bad because I was friends with the girl and the guy, but I was really close friends. Close friends. But I was friends with a girl and I felt so bad. And she knew how to fight. So I was like, I'm gonna get my ass beat.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

It's all the tick tocks and the Snapchats.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah. It's all the, like, doodad games and the devices and yeah, but yeah.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Oh, my God. Kick and Kik, yo, I was up to no good.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I was up to no good talking to Bella Thorne.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

I'm up to no good on Kick.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

But yeah. And then after she was like, I apologized to her cuz I felt like I had exposed her and she was just.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

She was me. When I play basketball and I break a kid's ankles, expose him.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Is that a thing people say?

[Unknown Speaker 2]

All right, well, that concludes this episode. Let's give a couple medias and move on. Okay. Flash Cannon Casanova by Yabujin Night Walker, Sick Boy Rari o by Hamid Al Shar, I think. Really pretty song. And then I'm going to watch the new BlackBerry movie.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, yeah, we need to do that.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Very soon because I'm excited AF about it.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Well, my media of the week is Simple Kind of Life by no Doubt. I'm this guy, Norma Tanega. Don't be afraid, though. I was like, don't be afraid of.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

The way that you feel.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Don't be afraid. And then Muskrat Love, Muskrat Candlelight by Willis Allen Ramsey. That song makes me feel so nice. So, so, so, so nice. And then, yeah, that's it for media.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Let's go.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Thank you guys so much for watching.

[Unknown Speaker 2]

Sorry for the short episode. We've been stacking episodes because we're gone for a month and a half. Also, buy our me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway. Now through June 24th, score hot summer savings and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags on items like Kinder Bueno, Cheez it Crackers, Oscar Meyer lunchables and just bear chicken bites. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online. For easy drive up and go pickup or delivery subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.