Drunk episode

Summary

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Emergency Intercom – “Drunk Episode” (September 3, 2025)

Hosts: Enya Umanzor, Drew Phillips
Guest/Co-Host: Kai
Podcast: Emergency Intercom by iHeartPodcasts

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Episode Overview

This chaotic, unfiltered episode is a full display of Emergency Intercom’s signature offbeat humor—centered around drinking, party stories, absurd hypotheticals, and the hyperactive dynamic between Enya, Drew, and Kai. Recorded while evidently tipsy, the trio veer from bodily humor to party paranoia, hostile grilling, and reflective musings on friendships and aging. The episode is a riotous stream-of-consciousness that will resonate with any fans of their self-deprecating, no-holds-barred comedic style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bathroom Humor & Unhinged Imagery

• The episode kicks off immediately with bathroom jokes, food-fart fantasies, and elaborate, almost deranged scenarios involving desserts and bodily functions ([00:23]–[01:20]).
• Notable moment: The infamous “cheesecake on a glass table” fantasy is described at length, setting the irreverent tone for the full episode.
  • Quote (B, 00:47): "You put a cheesecake on a glass coffee table, then you put some Lycra bike shorts on, and put a camera up underneath – or my face – and then you sit on it, and it squishes out..."

2. Being Drunk for the Pod & Doing Drugs

• The hosts openly discuss consuming alcohol and drugs before recording, poking fun at their own chaotic energy.
  • Quote (A, 02:40): "Sorry. I just did a bunch of blow in the bathroom, which I probably should not... I'm just being honest. I'm just being vulnerable."
• Confessions segue into a meta riff on Ozempic and other societal trends with Drew and Enya critiquing normalization of these behaviors ([03:17]–[04:07]).

3. Tangents on Trends: Probiotic Soda & Ozempic

• They dissect the “Activia-ification” of society, talking about the way probiotic sodas are marketed, and segue to the normalization of using Ozempic for non-diabetic reasons:
  • Quote (A, 03:39): "People are just like, okay guys. Yeah, I've been using this diabetes... but I was first, way before all this. I didn't do it for the weight loss. I did it for the high."

4. Paranoia, Circuit Boards, and (Fake) Trump’s Death

• The group riff on conspiracy paranoia, then abruptly pivot into a surreal bit where they claim Donald Trump has died ([05:17]–[06:06]).
  • Quote (A, 05:32): "If Donald Trump dies, me and Kai can hook up. Clothes on. Not as more of like... there's different intent behind it."
• The Cheese Touch from ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid’ is invoked as the probable cause of his (fictional) death.

5. Grilling and Mascot Masculinity

• A recurring topic is a recent Barbie’s house party where Drew was thrust into grilling for the group. The job is dissected for its “masculinity” and how straightness is performed at the grill.
  • Quote (A, 08:15): "Drew is essentially in that, but it was in a straight guy, like, mascot. Like, skin."
• Amusing anecdotes about near-disastrous grilling, propane tank sticker shock ($80!), and a minor explosion due to faulty ignition ([10:04]–[12:34]).
  • Quote (B, 12:07): "Kai almost killed us. But it really wasn't your fault. Barbie turned the gas on but didn't ignite it."

6. Day Drinking & Existential Dread

• Honest reflections on how day drinking “ruins the day,” makes everyone tired and weirded out by being drunk in daylit reality ([13:00]–[13:22]).
  • Quote (A, 13:18): "I feel disgusting. Like, I shouldn’t see myself drunk in daylight."

7. Childhood Memories & The Build-A-Bear Phenomenon

• The group reflects on growing up, recalling Build-A-Bear as a status symbol that turned out “not that expensive” in hindsight, peeling back the illusion of childhood luxury ([13:41]–[15:04]).
  • Quote (B, 13:43): "Why did our parents make Build-A-Bear seem like they were $350? Madeline just went and it's like $24.99 base price..."

8. Flossing, Hygiene & Teeth Discourse

• An impromptu PSA erupts regarding oral hygiene and the horrors of “plaque buildup,” sparked by noticing “cigarette teeth” and everyone’s bad flossing habits ([32:46]–[34:02], [50:50]–[61:38]).
  • Quote (A, 61:00): "Can more people start flossing? Because it's just greening me out and freaking me out."

9. Media Consumption, Night Sweats, and “Barning”

• Drew remembers mortifying social failures (“barning”), where attempts to be relatable (talking about ‘night sweat era’ or drinks of choice) flop outside the friend group ([29:12]–[31:15]).
  • Quote (B, 29:32): "It's when you try to tell a joke, and it just flops so hard. It's not like, oh, he tried something new. No, that was just genuinely terrible."
• Discussion on media watched—‘Honey, I Blew Up the Kids’, ‘FernGully’, and a dark ‘Biggest Loser’ docu-series ([64:43]–[65:45]).

10. Friendship, Nostalgia & Aging

• Touching moments share the long-term bond between Drew and Enya, noting how their closeness compares to family, and reflecting on outgrowing youth ([25:10]–[26:22])
  • Quote (A, 25:13): "We've been together more than we haven't."
  • Quote (B, 59:41): "We're, like, chemically bonded in a way that not many can understand."
• Running jokes (“joint queen of the house”, “joint slay”), sibling relationships, and the bittersweet realizations of friends aging together, seeing vices catch up, and envy for youthful partygoers stirring raucousness outside their house ([47:08]–[52:51]).

11. Recurring In-Jokes & Absurd Bits

• Bits about gimp cubes, latex sweat suits, relentless “era” naming, and the “tequila challenge.” The hosts call out each other’s sense of humor, self-awareness, and (sometimes) bad behavior.
  • Quote (C, 34:43): "What's your favorite sex position? Missionary—so we can keep yelling at each other. That is so good."

12. Life Online: FruityTube, My Little Pony, Musicians Flying

• Discussion of fan-maintained databases (“FruityTube” tracks every keyword in pod history—[62:24]), Anthony Bourdain as an alleged “Brony,” and a rant against musicians flying on pink wires at concerts:
  • Quote (B, 44:52): "Everybody thinks they can do Pink, but Pink is the only person that can do Pink. And even she pushes it sometimes."

13. Trolling & Paranoia in the Neighborhood

• Hilarious stories about drunkenly trolling partiers on their street, pretending to call the police, and the resulting chaos for the rowdy youth ([48:07]–[52:51]), mixed with real fear about safety as young adults in a city.

14. Touch, Physical Affection, and Running Jokes

• The hosts become extra affectionate, joking about laps, oxytocin, and their “joint slay,” while nudging Kai for his turn ([59:28]–[60:05]).
  • Quote (B, 59:40): "The amount of oxytocin that's pumping through our veins right now is, like, so fucking—no, it's literally awesome."

15. Meta-Reflections & Podcasting as Foreplay

• The trio wax meta about podcasting, their own in-jokes, and reflect on their growth and ongoing innovations (“Kai cam,” “Drewmoji” coming soon; [57:44]).
  • Quote (A, 58:21): "Well, a podcast is for the audio simulation—it's the foreplay of comedy, right?"

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On cartoon villains (“gay as hell”):

  • A ([01:49]): "You were kind of serving, like, the gay monkey villain from Powerpuff Girls."
  • B ([01:56]): "Oh, Mojo Jojo."
  • A ([01:58]): "Yeah, why did every cartoon villain was gay as hell?"

• On grilling as masculinity:

  • A ([08:15]): "Drew is essentially in that, but in a straight guy, like, mascot skin... straight maxing, crazy."

• On aging together:

  • A ([25:13]): "We've been together more than we haven't."
  • B ([59:41]): "We're, like, chemically bonded in a way that not many can understand."

• On oral hygiene crisis:

  • A ([61:00]): "Can more people start flossing?...the amount of plaque buildup on everyone I speak to, teeth."

• On the futility of trends:

  • B ([62:09]): "If it's free, you are the product."
  • C ([63:26]): "There's a spiritual tax, too..."

• On “barning” and social flops:

  • B ([29:32]): "It's when you try to tell a joke, and it just flops so hard...no, that was just genuinely terrible."

• On musician stunts:

  • B ([44:52]): "Everybody thinks they can do Pink, but Pink is the only person that can do Pink. And even she pushes it sometimes."

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Important Timestamps for Segments

• Bathroom/fart/cheesecake bit: [00:23]–[01:20]
• Admissions of drinking/drugs for the episode: [02:40]–[02:54]
• Ozempic, trends & probiotic soda: [03:17]–[04:07]
• Discussion of grilling at Barbie’s party (masculinity, explosions): [06:10]–[12:34]
• Day drinking confessions: [13:00]–[13:22]
• Build-A-Bear/class status: [13:41]–[15:04]
• Night sweats and "barning": [29:12]–[31:15]
• Dental hygiene/flossing PSA: [32:46]–[34:02], [50:50]–[61:38]
• Touchy-feely pod love: [59:28]–[60:05]
• Podcast as comedy foreplay/meta: [58:21]–[58:48]
• Neighborhood trolling/youth party chaos: [48:07]–[52:51]
• Diving into media/music picks: [64:43]–[67:15]
• Podcast wrap & goodbyes: [67:46]–[68:08]

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The Podcast’s Tone & Style

• Chaotic, irreverent, and meta: Blending deadpan, sarcasm, and high-energy absurdity, the episode is a stream-of-consciousness with no filter and constantly shifting topics.
• Candid & vulnerable: Moments of real reflection on friendship, growing up, and mental health are interspersed amid the jokes.
• Raunchy & surreal: Bodily humor, sexual innuendo, and surreal hypotheticals abound, but always with the tone of inside joke riffing.

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Final Thoughts

This “drunk episode” is quintessential Emergency Intercom—equal parts hilarious, gross, heartfelt, and disorienting. While the content occasionally hurtles off the rails, the chemistry and quick-witted banter of Enya, Drew, and Kai keep the experience oddly endearing and relatable, especially for those navigating their 20s (or just nostalgic for the messiness of youth). Fans of the pod will appreciate both the fresh absurdity and the callbacks to long-running in-jokes and shared history.

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Timestamps, speaker attribution, and key quotes are included throughout for those navigating or revisiting the episode.

Transcript

[A]

This is an I heart podcast. Ew.

[B]

What?

[A]

He farted. It was such a girl part, too. Like a Disney princess ass fart.

[C]

Like, it was really dope.

[A]

Why are you saying thank you? You should be farting like a big fucking man. That's fucking disgusting.

[B]

You want big, manly farts from me and.

[A]

Yeah, no, I want silence.

[C]

I want you to fart on some food and then I eat it.

[B]

I want you to.

[A]

That doesn't even.

[B]

I want you to put a cheese raspberry cheesecake on a glass coffee table, and then you put, like, some Lycra, like, bike shorts on.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you put a camera up underneath it. Or my face. I'll be up underneath the glass table. And then you sit on it, and it squishes out on the glass table, and it looks like you're. Yeah. You're just, like, sitting on the cheesecake. And we could even do one cheesecake per cheek. So each. That would be really nice.

[C]

Or just like a rice pudding or something.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Or a bunch of flan.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I like. Yeah. Fart into it. Basically just thinking kind of bubbles. Yeah. Anyway, I guess we're good to start, right? If you guys want to start.

[B]

Guys, welcome back to Emergency Intercom. Today. We have a doozy.

[A]

I know. What a time we have had.

[B]

I don't want to wear those. I had, like, this whole, like, thought where I was like, oh, I'm going to be, like, hungover this episode.

[A]

Why are you giving them to me? Just put them down.

[B]

I don't want to wear them. They're your glasses.

[A]

I don't think they look good on me.

[B]

Yeah, they look terrible on me.

[A]

Yeah. I can't lie. You were kind of serving, like, the. The gay monkey villain from Powerpuff Girls.

[B]

Oh, Mojo Jojo.

[A]

Yeah, you were serving Mojo Jojo A bit. Why did every cartoon villain was gay as hell?

[B]

Because gay people are evil. I never even thought. Even in Powerpuff Girls. The claw.

[A]

Yeah. Like, all of them are like that.

[B]

Also, they were non binary.

[A]

That was David Bowie.

[B]

That was David Bowie.

[A]

Character is David Bowie.

[B]

When Elton John farts.

[A]

The come flood starts.

[B]

Yeah. Elton John. Clean up on aisle three. Elton John just farted and it spilled milk. Don't cry over spilled milk.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That's funny. Don't cry over spilled milk. Like we've been saying that.

[A]

Oh, my God. Sorry. I just did a bunch of blow in the bathroom, which I probably should not. I should not.

[C]

Did you do the blow?

[B]

You should not tell people that.

[A]

What? I'm just being honest. I'm just being vulnerable.

[C]

Can we stop lying to them? We do a lot of drugs before the episode.

[B]

Doing drugs before the episode.

[A]

I actually saw something recently which. Oh, my God. The, like, we're seeing like the Activia Vacation of Ozempic. Like, there's like commercials with like, people. Like, it's really, like, it's really greening me out. But I saw somebody like, the probiotic.

[B]

Soda is really scaring me right now.

[A]

Well, probiotic soda has always just been like low key laxative addiction for the general public.

[B]

Like, it's like, it's like kind of Ed giving.

[A]

Yeah, no, no, it's like Ed has taken over. That's what y' all should have been trend forecasting. Should have been real with yourselves. What are these trends you're allocating to the public?

[B]

The general public, the gp, Erectile dysfunction.

[A]

But somebody was like, people have just been like, coming out and being like, yeah, I'll admit, I've been taking Ozempic and I'm like, no, like that. That can't be normal. Like, we can't make it normal. That, like, people are just like, okay, guys. Yeah, I've been using this diabetes. Okay. I. But I was first. I. I was. I was way before, way before all this. I had. And I didn't do it for the weight loss. I've been saying. I did it for the high.

[B]

I'm just confuzzled right now. Like, my. Where's my doggo?

[C]

Where's your big chunker?

[B]

My big Chungus? Oh, my God.

[C]

When you drink coffee, you get the zoomies.

[B]

No, I literally get the zoomies.

[C]

You get the Zoomies.

[B]

I get Zoomies at night time.

[A]

Do you guys ever have conversations with each other that like, contain real topics.

[B]

Or is it not on the podcast in real life? No, we don't speak to each other.

[C]

Honestly, there has. There have been weeks where it's basically just us sending each other like, weird, gross photos.

[B]

Yeah. And it's like Kai will just send me like, pictures of him, like with his belly out.

[C]

Yeah. And then. Yeah, whatever. But now we have real conversations. We connect.

[B]

Yeah, you guys connect about, like, what should we talk about?

[A]

Paranoia.

[B]

Like, what should we talk about?

[C]

The circuit boards, the sigils and the circuit boards.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The fact that when you look into a specific at a red laser, you see numbers.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Numbers and characters.

[A]

Next. Next topic. Because I just said I can't be some paranoia. Like, next.

[C]

That's real. But okay.

[B]

Donald Trump is dead.

[C]

Oh, yeah, he died. Donald Trump actually Died.

[B]

And you said, if Donald Trump ends.

[A]

Up dead, why are you.

[B]

This is the true guy gets the hit. There's multiple reasons.

[A]

If Donald Trump dies, me and Kai can hook up. Clothes on. Not as more of like. It's not really that. Like, it's kind of what you and I get up to, except there's, like, different intent behind it. But I get all up on you.

[C]

So anyway, yeah, he died.

[B]

So I know that big, giant boil on his hand, that big liver spot ate him. Yeah, no, it consumed him.

[C]

He died in the.

[A]

He got the Cheese Touch.

[B]

He got the Cheese Touch.

[C]

Have you seen the photo? Yes, that is a Cheese Touch photo.

[A]

He turned into Mr. Krabs. No shell.

[B]

He's giving maroon.

[A]

Oh, dude.

[B]

Oh, speaking of maroon, my maroon undertones.

[A]

You don't have maroon undertones.

[B]

When I turn.

[A]

Chicken, when I'm like, I'm. For a second, the light is a bit dim in the kitchen, and I go. And I lift the top off of chicken that's on a pan. I'm like, oh, that's ready. And then I turn it over and I'm like, oh, I almost killed myself. Because just in the middle, you can.

[B]

See how pink it is. No, I literally have that written down. I'm like, I got addicted to tanning. I'm basically tan mom right now. But instead of tanning, I turn pink.

[A]

Like, tanning is a hot topic. People don't with tanning.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Tanning is one of those polarizing ass conversations when it's like, care for your health, please. Like, that's like kind of like the transaction happening.

[B]

But my body looks so t. When I did, like, I'm so toned in there.

[A]

You were the baddest.

[B]

I really was. I have to agree.

[A]

Actually, Rain was top. And then, like, you and Rain were, like, fighting.

[B]

Yeah, we were competing for the number one spot. Kai was at the very, like, the bottom of the barrel.

[A]

Oh, Kai, you were there.

[C]

Yeah, I was there. I talked to you and took photos of you guys while you were grilling. Oh, and we talked.

[A]

Do. Are you in any photos or anything?

[C]

I don't think I got in any, but I took photos.

[B]

I did record him eating some of the guy's way. Not me, like, knowing how to grill.

[C]

Like, it's inside of killing you.

[A]

We gotta give flowers where they're actually do. Because really, Sophia grilled down.

[B]

Did I not grill down?

[C]

You did.

[B]

I did. I grilled down. We both grilled down. We. We gave each other. I grilled the skewers, hot dogs, steaks.

[A]

Everyone Was hungry as. And I didn't have any of that.

[B]

Yeah, I only had one by, like, it's a thankless job. Like, you grill for everybody.

[A]

It's not a thankless job. You've been begging for thanks.

[C]

You were running around to everyone.

[A]

The moment, even before he started girly, he was like, I'm not gonna grow. I can't grow. And. And then the second it got in his head, he was like, I'm grilling. Oh, I'm the one grilling.

[B]

No, I was forced into the grilling position. Like, it was. It was crazy. I. I guess I just give grill. Like, I just give. Like, I know how to grill.

[A]

Because you know how you can, like, hire people in mascot costumes to go to a party. Drew is essentially in that, but it was in a straight guy, like, mascot. Like, skin, like, you would put wet and, like, put on your fortnite skin of, like, dude, he was straight maxing. Crazy.

[B]

No, it was crazy.

[A]

It just seemed like he should be at the grill.

[B]

It was really crazy. I was the straightest guy at that party. Like, it was really crazy. What?

[C]

You being the straightest guy at the party with those little teal shorts that you had on.

[A]

I know. No, no, no. That's what's making me laugh, because this is, like, the only footage I have and Drew saying I was the straightest guy at the party.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I don't give a. I don't give a.

[B]

No, I. What I was thinking you were talking.

[A]

About this video is Drew literally, like, being tossed around like an acrobatics.

[B]

Yeah. Multiple straight guys. It was sexy. No, what happened? No, what happened? You said something about mascot and what I was thinking, in, like, two to three years, once Labubu is dead, we need to get on the podcast and a Labubu mascot.

[A]

Okay. I kind of. Something big happened to me, and I am, like, kind of pro Labubus. There. There are. There are. Like. What's that asterisk? Like, in caveats? There are. Yeah, there are caveats and hella fine line in that. But I went to bump line.

[B]

You said line. You have a bump.

[A]

I did it all. I'm sorry. I eat it.

[B]

Kai walking around the party the whole time asking for bumps.

[C]

Yeah, I think you were seriously there. Yes, I was there.

[A]

I'm so confused.

[C]

I was there. I popped my shirt off too.

[B]

No. Okay, wait. Back to the. Back to the grilling. I did almost kill everybody. I will say, like, it was. It was really scary. Like, I started cooking all of the meat on really low heat because I was like, oh, low and slow. I'll just like cook it over the next, like 25 minutes. And then the only straight guy there came up and was like, why is the heat so low? Like, you need to turn the heat up. Like, it's going to be raw. And so we turn the heat up and then everything turned good. But, like, I was really, like, whipping up on that thing. Like, it unlocked something inside of me and it actually tastes good. Kai had it tasted.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Every interaction you've told about you and the girl, though, is you fucking up and somebody else having to come in basically, like behind you and like ratatouille you and you're like. And it was amazing. Yeah, that's good. That's good. I'm glad because you should get us a grill.

[B]

I really want to grow. I really thought about it and I'm like, I'm stealing the propane tank back I bought for Barbie's house. Like, and that's coming right back here.

[A]

Like, oh, also, yeah, it's Barbie's party. Like, Barbie's house. But it was like kind of like a coho situation. And we brought the propane tank and me and Drew were like, damn. Because I thought propane.

[B]

I. I thought it was $12. I really thought propane was going to be $12. Bitch. It was 80 fucking dollars for a propane tank. But the thing is, you buy the propane tank and then you take that metal jug back and they fill it.

[A]

Yeah, it's the tank. It's the tank that's so much. Or they buy a pallet of them on.

[B]

Should we something drop? Shipping propane tanks. Wow.

[A]

Well, you can't instacart or postmates or like, order on anything. A propane tank, which to me, I'm like, what is the difference between this getting in the back of like a different car versus my car? Like, the likelihood of it crashing and exploding is actually the same. Like, why don't they let you do that? Like, do you have to be 18 to buy? I guess. Yeah, of course you have to be 18 to buy.

[B]

I've been like a 12 year old.

[A]

Buying it and, like blowing it up. Because I think it's fortnite.

[C]

Wait. And yeah, were you there for the small explosion that happened?

[B]

Oh, my God. Kai almost killed us. Kai almost killed.

[C]

I really did almost kill Drew.

[B]

But it really wasn't your fault. Like, you just. But you clicked the button that you shouldn't have.

[C]

Barbie turned the gas on but didn't ignite it.

[A]

Oh. So it had been Closed and it.

[C]

Was filled with gas. Then I pressed the ignition button because I was like, oh, somebody just turned it on. And it was like an explosion, like.

[B]

In the lid, like, lifted up. Yeah.

[C]

And if the lid was open, we would both be dead right now.

[B]

We would be victims. We would be burned victims.

[C]

Yeah, we would.

[B]

It was really scary, but I was like, like pretty drunk, so it wasn't bad. It didn't, like, offend me.

[C]

I love being drunk because, like, it just takes the edge off.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. That's why I'm drunk right now.

[C]

I love having my medicine.

[B]

That's why I drive.

[A]

Should drink for the episode. And I'm like, yeah, we should. And then he was like, if you will, I will.

[C]

Unless spineless man alert. I literally will. If you drink, I'll start right now.

[A]

Yeah. Ew. That would ruin my day. That would suck.

[B]

Yeah. Day drinking really is like, it's. It's not giving what I want it to give. Like, it literally, it literally every time I've ever day drank, I'm like, tired by like 6pm and I'm just like, okay.

[A]

I feel disgusting. Like, I shouldn't see myself drunk in daylight.

[B]

Like, I feel so, like, mixed with the sunlight is like hearing like, a.

[C]

Lawnmower in the distance while you're drunk.

[B]

Is really gnarly stabilizing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God, a leaf blower.

[B]

I'm going give you head for that one. Oh, I thought your phone was vibrating.

[C]

Wow, that feels really good. Thank you, Drew.

[B]

Okay, something I thought about when we did. We already talked about this, like, when we went to build a bear and like, our, like, why. Why did our parents make build a bear seem like they were $350? Like, it was like, like the old. The most ultra high luxury item you can get. Yeah, because Madeline just went and like, it's like 24.99 base price, and then you buy the clothes and whatever, and it ends up maybe being $60, which is still a ton of money, but they were literally acting like it United States if we bought that goddamn build a Bear. Like, oh, my God. But going to build a bear and then getting a slice of cookie cake after was, like, really special. I really want a cookie cake. Like, I think that's crazy that you can just go to the store and buy a cookie cake for no reason. Like, I'm going to do that. Like, you can buy things that, like, you only can buy festive things for no reason. You can do that. Why is no one talking about this?

[A]

Well, I never went to Build a Bear. Because, yeah, I was. That would bankrupt my family. Like, dead serious. Like, how you're not eating this week also in, like, a family of a lot of girls. Because, like, were you getting a Build a Bear? Did boys get Build A Bears? Was that a thing?

[B]

I got one Build a Bear Slide back then.

[A]

Cool with that.

[B]

I got one Build a Bear and I got these, like. Oh, that's what made me gay.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

No, they had.

[A]

Now they're giving the boo boos to the boys, actually.

[B]

Yeah. Wait.

[A]

No.

[B]

Boys don't hire and boys can't.

[A]

They don't let boys buy Labubus. Keep going.

[B]

Wait, Kai, should we show them the photo where I was like, oh, take a picture of us grilling. And then I was like, wait, oh, yeah, let me get my jaw, Ryan. Jawline, right?

[C]

Like, we were taking a photo at the grill. And then Drew was like, let me reposition to look better. And this is the fucking photo.

[B]

Like, the first one I ate, I went.

[C]

The first one. You look amazing. You look like. Like an anime character.

[B]

Yeah. And then I, like, tilted my head up. My jaw sunk into my face.

[C]

That was him trying to mew.

[B]

I think that what it reminds me.

[A]

Of is that you were like. You were.

[B]

No, that's what I was like, wait. I was like, wait. And I like, tilted my head back to, like, pop my jaw out. No, the thing is, that's almost. Almost as bad as that Marc Jacobs photo.

[A]

Like, New York John Lennon photo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dude, that is so funny, man. Oh, my God.

[B]

Remember trolling Rainey Rodriguez?

[A]

Yeah. That was so sad.

[B]

It's coming back.

[A]

It really. What is she up to now?

[B]

No one knows. But, like, people. But they're. It's like reverse trolling. It's like, like, you know those videos where it'll be like, Sabrina Carpenter versus Ariana Grande, and it's like singing Ariana dancing Sabrina, and it's like a tally by the end of the video. They've been doing that with Rainy Rodriguez versus all the pop girls. And Rainy dethrones them. I'm 27.

[A]

That's not even like, what's for you? I was like, the president, like, is hopefully dying right now. Like, countries are being invaded. Like, literally, what is happening? And I'm thinking about, like, oh, stuff we see on our phones. It's like Rodriguez Dethroned song.

[B]

She's crying.

[A]

We are so cooked. It's awesome. Like, they're seriously, like, wow. Wow. I can't believe she's come back.

[B]

I know. In, like, a very big way.

[C]

Wait, I want to remake this with you guys.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I know. Wants to be a part of it so bad so far for you. And just like.

[C]

Leaves. We have to just remake that.

[A]

Do that. That's so good.

[B]

I was gonna say. Should we do back shots?

[A]

Almost feels too real. Also, like, I don't have underwear on.

[B]

I could. I knew I smelt some.

[A]

Oh, I actually thought.

[B]

I knew I smelled. I knew I smelled lime green discharge.

[C]

I looked away, by the way.

[B]

He really did. He put. He covered his eyes with his phone.

[A]

Well, you're gonna have to like. It does. What the. Does that even matter? He has to see it.

[B]

I'm gonna say something that only a very small amount of people will understand. But everything is, like, literally made up.

[A]

But everything means nothing.

[B]

No, everything means nothing to you. Like, everything is made up. Like, you're literally like three pounds on the moon.

[A]

Okay, now you're pushing it because I have no business being on the moon.

[C]

And I'm never gonna be my goal weight.

[B]

Yeah. Invisible two dimensional piece of printer paper. Like, that's the goal.

[C]

I want Mr. Game and watch Silhouette disappear.

[A]

Yeah, I would argue you need some meat on your belly.

[B]

I exist in the fourth dimension, you, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

I literally didn't think I was from planet Earth for like seven months of my life. Like, I thought I was like an indigo child. I would like, I'm alien. I'm E.T. i'm extra. Read all about it. Read all about it. Bazinga. Oh, no, I can't say it, but I would literally, like, tweet.

[A]

What? Were you just trying to make like a song or something? Like a jingle out of that? No, you know, like, franchise this.

[C]

Wait, did you just go and flush the toilet?

[A]

Because I spit in it.

[C]

Oh, I was.

[A]

Any other questions?

[C]

A poop in there.

[B]

Guy left a little.

[A]

Like, you got nervous.

[C]

I was.

[A]

There is like a ring around the. Inside the bowl right now. You did leave the seat up.

[C]

Oh, I'm sorry. I actually am sorry.

[B]

I'm usually pretty good about non feminist of you.

[C]

I know. At Barbies, I closed it every single time. And I was drunk, so maybe that also.

[B]

The funniest thing. The funniest thing Mason has ever said to me is like, we were just like, sitting in his car driving around and like, I just described something like, like, as fierce. I was like, oh, like, I think I was like, oh, like the In N Out burgers fierce. Or like, whatever. And he was like. There was like, silen silence for like 30 seconds. And he was, like, very genuine. He's like, Drew, like, I've never, like, looked at you or even heard you ever once in your life and been like, oh, like, my homie's gay. Like, that's like, he's a gay guy. But then he was like, oh, like I heard you say fierce. And I was like, oh, wow. He, like, literally is a gay guy. Like, this is crazy, but, like, in a totally chill, funny way.

[A]

But no, it is like, yesterday, like, stepping into a gayness that is like, oh, my God, he is gay.

[B]

Instead of anus. But no, yesterday, Mason came up to me, and he was like, remember when you, like, said fierce? And I was like, oh, like, that was gay. He was like, yesterday. Like, it confirmed everything for me. Like, you're gay. Like, you were doing the gayest shit I've ever seen you do. Mind you, I was grilling.

[A]

I mean, but you, like, also, wait. I think Rain has a video of you grilling and the way your body is.

[B]

Oh, my God. We. We planned that.

[A]

I know you did, but it was cracking me the up, because also, I.

[B]

Think I saw you again burning my.

[A]

I think I saw you again, and I was, like, spreading the straight maxing agenda you started. I started it because from across the pool, I was, like, sitting there, and I saw Drew, and I was like.

[B]

That kitty was purring. Like, actually, though, no, it was, like, barking.

[A]

Dude. It was like I was on the floor, and I felt my body, like.

[B]

Yeah, like a clam and spongebob, like, flying away.

[A]

Yeah, dude, it works. It's awesome because it. If I wanted to. If I had gone in that pool.

[B]

To get to you, it would have.

[A]

Been like a propeller jet.

[B]

Like, I would have been literally not have been like, a.

[A]

What the. But, yeah, you were looking good. And then I had to point out, I was like, dude, Drew is.

[B]

It was the backwards cap I found. I found my OPN baseball cap that I thought I lost. And the reason I love it so much isn't because it's for one O Tricks point never. It's because my most favorite picture I've ever taken of me of all time is in that baseball cap. And then it was confirmed to me recently that that is the best picture I've ever taken. This episode of Emergency Intercom is brought to you by zocdoc. Y', all, do you remember that doctor appointment you were trying to make a while ago that you forgot about because you are ADHD? Well, that's where ZocDoc comes into play. I don't know about you, but my social media is freaking me out. I literally need y' all to stop putting olive oil on your face. It's not gonna help your skin. Please go to a dermatologist. Booked through zocdoc. As I get older, I think I should go to the doctor more because I can't sleep at night. I'm stressed out all the time and I want to keep myself healthy. But the system makes it impossible to find the right doctor for my needs. That was until I found ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.

[A]

Zocdoc is the only reason I've been to the doctor. If I'm being honest, anytime anything in my body is going wrong, I open up that app. It's probably one of the most used apps on my phone because sometimes I can't lie. I just start to scroll around because getting to that age where like between my shoulder blades hurts and I wake up with the kind of night sweats that are so wet and nasty. I wake up cold no matter what the temperature in the house is. And I definitely should go to the doctor. And I'm actually going to go this weekend. I'm going to open up the app right now. I think you guys should stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.comIntercom to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z D O.com Intercom Zoc.com Intercom I beg to differ. I seriously am. No, there's like a of that. Like I for real beg to differ. Like I beg for a debate.

[B]

There's like a glow in my eyes.

[A]

That like that you've lost in your mid-20s. Well, you're just outside in the sun, but yeah.

[B]

Do you see the.

[A]

I don't think this is the best picture of you.

[C]

I think the bug photo is the best.

[B]

See, but that's like two.

[A]

No, that's not even the best photo to me.

[B]

Like, I think this one's really cute too.

[A]

I really like this one. Wait, how do you look through this? What is this? Oh.

[B]

What?

[A]

Drew, you're 27.

[B]

Don't say that. Don't say that.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

We've grown up together.

[A]

I know.

[B]

We've been together more than we haven't.

[A]

I know. Like, Even the past like week, we haven't been hanging out as much and I'm like, wow.

[B]

No, I miss you every night. She doesn't sleep in my bed. Anymore. Pisses me off.

[A]

My sister is in town.

[B]

I told her to sleep in my bed too. I don't get it.

[A]

Doesn't want to sleep in your bed.

[C]

That's creepy.

[B]

Actually. Creepy that she doesn't want to sleep in my bed.

[A]

No, I was, I was weird. I had to catch myself because I was like being a bit like catty with her about it because I was like, come downstairs. Like, why are you being weird about it? Like what? And then I was like, oh God, I forget. Like, of course, like Drew is like my everything. Like literally when I think of you.

[B]

Like the feet kicking in the back.

[A]

No, the see how are you on the Internet and oh, and you claim to be.

[B]

No. On the edge of your bed, like clutching your grande.

[A]

Her album. My everything sitting like this on the chair.

[B]

I don't give a. This is. This is me when you don't sleep.

[A]

But I had to catch myself cuz I was like, damn. I am literally like sounding a bit jet set. Like because I'm begging my little sister jet to holiday.

[B]

Jet2 Hollis. Why has no one said that? Kai, did you hear that?

[C]

Jet 2 Hollis. That is good. Two holes. Never forget two holes.

[B]

That's me when you don't sleep in my bed.

[A]

Who the fuck is that?

[B]

It was Taylor Swift after she got broken up with by Harry Styles. And then just like the next day she was in the back of a boat alone. But I was saying, bro, say what.

[A]

You want about the bitch, but she's real as like one thing about it is she is real because that is amazing. That's like.

[B]

See this is like a really, really deep cut. Like if you know, you know kind of joke. Like if you say like reference the Flying Ray. So guys start referencing the Flying Ray, the boat Taylor Swift was in. But I just discovered this. Someone put me onto this like very recently and I cannot believe I have never seen this photo.

[A]

Also when I said I was feeling very, I was feeling very jet. Like I meant like private jet list. Because I, I was like, oh, I have to remember. I'm like begging my 23 year old fine ass sister to come sleep in bed with me and my 27 year old friend, she doesn't know.

[B]

Yeah, and I've been sweating so bad.

[A]

I mean I haven't been because Sophia keeps it. Like I've. I've been in like hell. The arctic hell upstairs.

[B]

Dude, one day Josh turned on. It's been like 90 degrees in LA every day. Josh for some reason has the AC controller to the downstairs in his room. So this will either put it on 62 degrees, or he'll put it on heat for some reason, and he turned the heat on, and the room was, like, 98 degrees. And I. I've never sweat that much in my life. I don't. Why am I saying this? I literally don't give a. No one. Literally, no one gives a. Does anybody give a. Leave a comment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Should I talk about my night sweats more now?

[A]

Yeah. When I talked about my night sweat.

[B]

Below, it's night sweat era, like, for everybody.

[A]

What's weird, though, is I feel like mine is from smoking. Mine is definitely from smoking.

[B]

Mine is hormonal.

[C]

Wait, do you smoke weed?

[A]

No, I.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Were you seriously there yesterday?

[C]

Yes, I was there. We had a lot of he wasn't fun conversations.

[B]

There was no.

[C]

I was there.

[B]

I would have noticed. You're, like, imposing. Just, like, grading, as I'm saying.

[C]

Maybe I have such a delicate. I have a delicate stature that you guys are kind of like, oh, that could be a. I could be a human or it could be a leaf, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

I. I flopped so hard. Like, I literally, like, it was like, one of, like, you know, like, do you know the. There's a video on Josh's channel where I, like. Yeah, we'll insert it. Hard to talk to two faces at once. I'm about to go. I'm about to go.

[A]

All right, go.

[B]

Oh, Ryan. Brains aren't anything. That is legitimately, like, one of the worst moments of my life, and I have to reclaim it every once in a while. Like, I know it's bad. Like, it. It's. It's really bad. But we call those a barn. Like, when. I mean, people call those a barn.

[A]

Yeah. I think that comes from, like, oc.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It's when you, like, try to tell a joke, and it just flops so hard, and it's not like, oh, he, like, tried something new. Like, it's like, no, that was just genuinely terrible. Well, I was at this, like, day party thing, and I'm, like, talking to some people, and I just randomly, like. Like, I don't know why I. I don't know why I do this. I don't know why I do this, but I just start talking about my night sweats with people, and someone was like, oh, like, it has been hot. That's probably what it is. And I was like, yeah, no, everybody's in their night sweat era. Like, everybody is in their night sweat era. And, like, these silence that, like, felt like the. It almost felt like, the music turned off at this party, like, it was so horrible. They just like, stared at me like. You know that one gift they put in the Instagram comments of the ants? Like, looking and blinking. That's what they gave me. And then they were like, okay. And then just started talking about what they were already talking about. And I was like, well, like Night Sweat era. Like, that was more I thought you.

[A]

Were gonna say, dude. You just have like. I think because it lands in our friend group because now we, like, we. We're so open to Barney that we, like, almost invited.

[B]

It's like you throw at the wall.

[A]

Yeah. Just like, you just say just to see if it laugh and you know it's stupid. But also, I thought you were gonna mention that Drew came back up to me, Rain and Sophia, while we were in the pool. And he was like, oh, my God, I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. Because he had gone over to get a drink and there was only tequila on the table. And you said that you're like, oh my God. LA said it's Tequila era. And no, it was.

[B]

It was to, like, celebrities. I was like, trying to act all like, nonchalant. Like, I actually, literally didn't give a fuck. But like, it was to like, like two people that I actually admire. And I was like, over there alone with them and I was like, we were talking about drinking and I was like, oh, I, like, I've switched to vodka recently. Like, vodka like, has me turn a vodka and a latte. And then we like, he. Haha. And they were like, yeah, we just switched to tequila. And I was like, oh, my God, LA is in their Tequila era right now. They just. They did not know how to respond at all. But like, it really is. Like, it really is. Like, like, there's. There's levels to that. And some people will understand, but, like, not a lot of people will understand.

[A]

Exactly. And that's. And I've been saying that's. The thing is I've been saying that, like. And I've been trying to tell people that too.

[B]

People will understand, but a lot of people. A lot of people won't understand.

[A]

And you have to get through life knowing that. Like, it's the hardest part about life.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Should I look at my topics? Dunkin donuts. Bacon tastes like it was made from car crash victims.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Have you ever seen it? Here, let me show you.

[A]

Wa.

[B]

Like, that's a car crash victim.

[A]

Do you floss every night?

[B]

Hell no.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

I floss. Floss like, twice a night.

[C]

I do floss every night.

[A]

Every night.

[C]

I floss every night. And I use a floss that's very abrasive, so it cleans your teeth more. Because a lot of flosses, it's too smooth. It's not actually doing anything.

[B]

I just. It's. See, the thing is flossing, like.

[A]

I love flossing.

[B]

The string doesn't fit between, like, most of my teeth. Like, that's the problem. Like, my teeth are too tight. Wait, they're so tight. My teeth are so tight.

[C]

I've been saying this, but, like, the.

[B]

The floss doesn't fit between. So then it just becomes like, why don't you just.

[A]

You love flossing and being up in his mouth. You just get in there and floss for him.

[C]

I. I've done that for him, actually.

[A]

Oh, my God. One time somebody. I was like, remember when my knees.

[C]

Were on your shoulders and I was.

[B]

Like, kind of missionary so we can keep yelling at each other.

[C]

Also, that's.

[B]

That's Kai's favorite position. That's not my joke. I need to make that very clear. But that's one of the funniest things that has ever been said by a human being was, what's your favorite sex position? Missionary. So we can keep yelling at each other. Like, that is so good.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know what? I want to get back to you. Remember when I used to put you in those silicon, like, bodysuits? And then I would make you run on the treadmill? The latex body or the latex one? And then I would drink all of the sweat you produced. I feel like that was that.

[B]

I mean, you were hydrated, I was dehydrated.

[C]

There's a lot of electrolytes that you produce for me. But I feel like we need to get back to that. We have to get back to our, like, classic bits.

[B]

Yeah, we need to put you in the gimp cube.

[A]

That's not a bit. That's like something you guys like to do sexually together. That's not like a bit.

[C]

That's something you know about the gimp cube. Do you know about this thing that we want.

[A]

No.

[B]

We shouldn't talk about it. We shouldn't talk about it.

[C]

Yeah, let's save it.

[B]

We should not talk about it. But at that party I like, flopped at when I said night sweat era. I just have to stop adding era to the end of things and, like, thinking it's like your new word. Yeah, it's like, it's not. That doesn't make It a day challenge. Yeah, Challenge. Night sweats challenge.

[A]

Tequila challenge.

[B]

Yeah. Drink the tequila challenge.

[A]

See, like, weird.

[B]

I infected someone with that, and they tried it back home, and it did not land.

[A]

I mean, no, it never works anywhere else. Every time I say that, every time I add challenge to something. Kai, you're gonna smoke out the lens, by the way.

[C]

Oh, that's actually not a vape. It's a fog machine that we're testing out. Yeah, we're trying because we. We do want this to be more like euphoria, ideally.

[A]

Why are they still doing that? Oh, my God.

[C]

Can we make a very.

[B]

You know, you said something about, like, do me and Kai have real conversations? We did last night. We were talking boots. We were having very esoteric.

[C]

I cannot talk about that hair. I was there.

[B]

Oh, this was on the phone. I got home. I called Kai immediately.

[A]

Oh, you guys are in love. It's really sweet.

[B]

Yeah, it was so fun.

[A]

Your. When I'm not there, it's because I'm not there.

[B]

He wouldn't be on your. That was what they. The call was about, was you. But it's dead ass. Like, Kai is just a straight man at the end of the day because, like, I was on the phone with him, and I was, like, so enthralled in this conversation, and I was, like, rolling around the bed, like, kicking my feet. And Kai was. Yeah, Kai was playing Fortnite and, like, hold on. I'm in the last circle. It was the final circle, and I'm like. I'm like, babe, like, put the controller down. Like, talk to me.

[C]

It was the final circle, and Veronica was screaming at me to lock in.

[A]

Did y' all win?

[B]

Log the fucking.

[C]

Not that one, but the next one. And we won it in a very cool way. I blew up a car, and that. That killed the final person. So it blew up in slow motion, like, you know, fast and furious, where the cars will explode, like, in the back. You've seen the trailers, I'm sure. Yeah. Where then the car will, like, flip over its nose. That's what happened. And it was really cool. Top three masculine. Most masculine moments for me.

[A]

I'm imagining, like, you're having sex about this experience, but it's really like, if you think about it, that Ice Cube movie was actually such a good, like, ice.

[B]

Tina.

[C]

No, we're not talking about.

[A]

We're not talking about meth.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

If you think about it, that Ice.

[A]

Cube movie is actually such a good, like. Like, documentation of the times we're living in, because you're Telling this very, like, incredible story about, like, what you saw, but your body in that moment. Like this.

[C]

No, it's worse than that.

[B]

Kai's hunched.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like this. Are you, like, a control?

[B]

Like a keyboard?

[C]

Keyboard and mouse.

[A]

Yeah. So it's like this. And, like, the phone is probably right here with Drew on speaker and your headphone is on.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Addison Rae.

[A]

Oh, you were very Addison in that moment.

[C]

Yeah. And I had those little ugg slippers on the, like, bright purple ones with the strap around the back.

[B]

Strap.

[A]

Like at home.

[C]

Yeah. I wear those just for. To have, like, a more comfortable vibe when I'm at home.

[B]

I remember when sand.

[A]

I learned the most about Kai's life on this podcast. Like, I would argue, like, I know as much as, like, the common viewer does about, like, what you're like, life. Life setup is. Does that make sense?

[C]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

What were you saying, Drew?

[B]

I was saying, remember when sand fell out of Kai's shoes? So we bought him, like, five pairs of shoes for his birthday.

[C]

That was such a good gift. Yeah. I wore those shoes, I think, for five years. And they smelled so bad. And I would put them in the freezer.

[B]

Stop.

[C]

I would put them in the freezer to make them smell less bad, and then it would work for a day. And I'm not even stinky.

[B]

One time I wore my LeBron James basketball shoes that I. The Miami beach collection. They're worth a lot of money. I wore them all through basketball season, and then I kept wearing them after basketball season because I was like, these are the coolest shoes of all time. I mean, they are arguably the coolest shoes of all time. Well, I wore them to a water park or not a water park. I wore them to, like, Six Flags. And then me and my friends were like, let's go stand on the bridge where you get splashed by water. So he did that. And then I got splashed by water. My shoes got soaking wet. Well, then I put them in the top of my closet, sopping wet in a dark, humid space, and I took them out one day, and, like, between, like, these clear panels, like, was, like, the most disgusting, rancid smelling mold I've ever seen growing in these shoes. So I, like, was like, oh, I love these shoes. I need to keep wearing them. So I went in there with a toothbrush and scrubbed all of the mold off of the shoes.

[A]

Can you use bleach at least? Or you can't?

[B]

No, I couldn't. And I scrubbed it all off for. They would be fine for like, eight Hours. And then it was like the fastest growing mold I've ever seen. It would just like reappear and it was really crazy.

[C]

That mold is just everywhere. Yeah, it's just waiting to spawn. That's very scary to me, personally.

[B]

No, I love that.

[C]

No, that's scary.

[A]

Yeah, Drew likes it. Like, our old Brita in the old crib used to, like, get direct sunlight and grow fucking like moss or mold in it. And Drew, it was algae would be like, annoyed when we would clean it because he wants the algae to be in there.

[B]

I feel like it purifies the water more.

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[B]

No, it, like, there's no world where.

[A]

The algae that's being created in the.

[C]

Brita, like from the Lexapro ridden water of la.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like the estrogen rich water.

[A]

So just like the worst plastic. Like, the plastic is probably made out of like.

[B]

My leg's numb. It's from the algae from the Brita.

[A]

Take your shoes off, though, because your socks are dirty.

[B]

No, you should take your shoes off.

[C]

If she wants to. Take your shoes off.

[B]

Dirty. Guys, I just don't know how to wash my socks, so.

[A]

So they're dirty.

[B]

No.

[A]

Is what we're learning. They're stained.

[B]

That's what it is. They're stained. Also, these aren't even my socks. I don't. I've never bought a pair of Calvin Klein socks in my entire life.

[A]

Oh, those are mine.

[B]

Yeah, I've been wearing the out.

[A]

I didn't buy the those.

[B]

Oh, so these are yours and they're dirty?

[A]

No, but they're not mine, cuz they were gifted.

[B]

Right, right, right, right.

[A]

One of my tings. Oh, my God. That's why I was saying. Have y' all ever flossed in front of somebody? I've decided that watching murder documentaries and stuff is like, like for real bad. Like, because I haven't done it.

[C]

Of course I know.

[A]

But now that I'm like, so out of it and I don't watch that anymore. Like, that. Because even the watching the cult thing on Netflix, that didn't feel good. Like, yeah, I was like, whoa, what am I watching? Especially when they started arguing. I was like, what am I looking at? Oh, my God. Also, my wish came true. Season three of Mormon Secret Lives of Mormon Housewives lives. November 17th or something. I sound like I'm reading for an hour. I know I did that. I literally. My wish. You did that and it's coming out. Are you looking at the hole in my armpit?

[B]

Yeah, but I have a Bunch of shirts like that too. I literally think it's fierce.

[A]

I just love this shirt so much. I've had it for like, so many years.

[B]

And I'm confused why you love it so much. Because it looks like on you.

[A]

That's how I feel about your skin on your body.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

My. You're saying that white people have like DNA deficiencies or what did you say? Mutations?

[A]

Genetic malfunction.

[B]

Yeah, genetic malfunctions. I literally do like. I turned pink, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

It's up.

[A]

No.

[B]

Look at my knees, bro.

[A]

That is crazy.

[B]

Like, that's not a sunburn. Well, that's just what I look like.

[A]

This one is normal. This is a sunburn. As like this or I guess. You were just laying.

[C]

You were laying.

[B]

No, I'm literally red. I'm just. I'm just red.

[A]

Well, I like.

[B]

Stop looking at the room mic out of everything.

[C]

I know. I'm obsessed with the room mic.

[B]

We guys, we have a room mic, but we don't have an XLR cable for it yet. So it's just like install.

[A]

Oh, so it's just there?

[B]

Yeah, it doesn't. It's not. We need to get the other xlr.

[C]

Is the. Is the episode next week happening in the Big Apple? Cuz I will be there.

[B]

I don't know actually.

[A]

Why are you so obsessed? Mess with us?

[B]

Anthony Bourdain was a Brony.

[A]

Like, he liked My Little Pony.

[B]

Yeah. He tweeted one time, so he was. He was curious about Applejack's sexual identity.

[A]

That is not true.

[B]

Dead serious.

[A]

That just can't be true.

[B]

Anthony Bourdain, Applejack's sexual identity, 13 years ago. It's still on his Twitter.

[A]

Let me see.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

Let me find out. You're speaking on a dead man's name. Wow. Wow.

[B]

Which I'm like, he's the coolest person ever, so it might be cool. I don't know.

[A]

I don't know that I would say, like, it's cool, but, like, is that a thing?

[B]

I don't actually think it's cool.

[A]

I don't know. I mean, this is like the second episode you're bringing up My Little Pony. So I don't know if this is a venture. So I don't know if this is that rumor that you're really into my.

[B]

Little Olympic and I'm a Brony.

[A]

Everything went downhill for them once Anya.

[B]

Started Ozempic and became a pony.

[C]

Guys are. They kind of went away. Yeah, it's like qanon kind of.

[B]

I need Musicians to stop flying around stadiums. I've like, literally, I've seen enough.

[C]

Like the pink strings.

[B]

Yes. Everybody thinks they can do pink, but pink is the only person that can do pink. And even she pushes it sometimes. She's flipping around. But, like, I saw a musician flying around again, and I was like, no. Right?

[A]

Who?

[B]

Chris Brown?

[A]

Like, no, get the down.

[B]

No, get from those. Literally. No, get down from there. Get down, get down. Get the down.

[A]

Like a running start from the aisle. Oh, my God. No. Yeah. He has no business. Well, he also has no business on tour. Like, that is something that will always fascinate me is like, again, it's. Oh, I said something the other day on my story. Oh, this kind of falls in line because piece of men. But I was thinking of, like, people who join ice. And I said this on my story that, like, I think, think ice. Because natural selection just doesn't work the way it used to. Like, we're not being chased by tigers and bears and like, each other and.

[B]

Like, lions and tigers.

[A]

Yeah. Like, we're not doing all that anymore. The new version of that is like, the people who end up in ice. Like, it's like you were supposed to be dead because you're borderline useless in every other facet and then you end up there. To me, Chris Brown is like a version of that where it's like. Like he was supposed to just like fall off and somehow he's like flying around stadiums like. Like, the new world we live in just has so many safety nets for idiots. It's kind of amazing.

[B]

It's horrifying.

[C]

It's like cyber group in the Netherlands was using AI to like, unmask ice.

[B]

Which is so sick.

[C]

It's really crazy. It was just like it would analyze their, like, bone structure through the mask or something.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Okay. That's amazing. But also, like, kind of terrifying.

[C]

It's kind of like cyberpunk vibes terrifying.

[A]

For me because now when I. I'm going on my, like, late night walks and I have my face covered and I'm like, chasing people. If they get.

[B]

Is that you? Around our neighborhood chasing women. They've been blaming. They've been blaming it on me, the neighborhood wise.

[C]

Why are you chasing women?

[A]

Because I was. I was putting on his outfits and doing it because I wanted him.

[B]

That is actually so annoying because they've been all over those Facebook walls.

[A]

I thought you were gonna be like, think it was funny.

[C]

The citizen app is bright red all around your house.

[B]

Yeah, that.

[A]

Well, I've been trying to do My best not to lead them back, but I. I, like, run out of energy after chasing so many people. By the time I get here, I'm kind of strolling.

[B]

I cannot believe I forgot about this. But it was, like, probably, like, 11pm And I just hear, like, random. Random kids, like, screaming outside my room. And, like, I just. Like, I'm a man, so I just immediately jump into action, and I'm like, let me help these women. But no, it was, like, late at night, and it was so loud, and I, like. Like, for the first time, like, I truly understand, like, get off of my lawn culture from old people. It wasn't. But it wasn't because I was like, get off my lawn. It was like I was jealous of their youth. Like, I was, like, jealous of them having fun.

[A]

I know. I was like, damn. To be walking home, like. Like, at the time of night, all up, screaming, and they were all, like, running after each other and being stupid.

[B]

Yeah, no, it was. It was really, like, were, I will.

[A]

Say, triggering my ptsd, because, like, anytime I hear any kind of scream at night.

[B]

Things happen inside your brain.

[A]

I'm right here. I'm here. I'm right behind you. I'm right behind you. That's what it feels like.

[B]

Y. They're being loud as. And before I started recording, I was just kind of, like, observing them, which is, like, crazy that you can just, like, watch people, like, and they don't even know they're being watched.

[A]

Also because of the video you had. Dude, this whole tale is so creepy. Like, just standing in your bathroom with.

[B]

The lights off, like, staring through my window. And I was, like, hiding behind the corner because they kept looking up at our house, which was freaking me the out.

[A]

Well, I think they heard me and Sophia.

[B]

Like, our windows were open, but they're, like, standing there, and, like, one of the girls is like, like, I'm gonna throw up. And then everybody's like, no, don't throw up. And she's like, I know y' all have to throw up. I. I know every single one of you have to throw up right now. And she's like, I'm gonna sit down. And then one of the guys she was with was like, oh, like, don't sit. It'll just make you more nauseous. He was, like, being very sweet and, like, tender with her. And then, like, he's like, here, like, let me help you up. And she's like, okay. And then he, like, help starts helping her up. And then she's like, get off of me. Get the off of me and starts like swinging on him. And I'm like, wow. I'm like watching this woman, like, domestically abuse this man. Like, this is lit the best night of her life. So I start recording because I'm like, oh, this like, could get, like really creepy really quickly.

[A]

That's literally me to Kai. When I get like a bit of alcohol on me, I start hitting you, I think.

[B]

But then they look up at our house. No one's yelling at anybody, mind you. And they shout this, mind you. Our windows are closed to our house. It's like 11pm like, oh, wait, your windows were open?

[A]

Yeah. I was like, I bet you I would have heard.

[C]

What did they say?

[A]

No, stop yelling at us. Stop yelling at us. At this point, I turned off the lights because I got scared. Like, I. I hadn't looked out the window, but I am the kind of person that I hear commotion. And we used to live on a really hectic street with a lot of, like, drunk people yelling. So I still have the PTSD of, like, I hear that in my rooms at the front. And I always turn off my lights because I'm scared that they're gonna look up and see my shadow and see that there's a girl in there alone and they're gonna come up and kill me.

[B]

So, no, we were not yelling at them, but they're. They're literally like walking up the street and I hear them look at our house and yell at my house. Like, don't yell at my girl. Like, what are you. Like, literally. What are you on about? So then I open my window and I start trolling them.

[A]

Help me.

[B]

Help.

[A]

Help me. Help.

[B]

And then I start crying, laughing, and then I go upstairs. So he's.

[A]

I'm calling the police. Help me. Help. I'm calling the police.

[C]

Is that you?

[B]

So that happens. They. There's. So what happened is they were at the bottom of our street and then they went up to the top of the street and sat on the corner. So then we started saying we were going to call the police and yelling at them.

[A]

So to be fair, we live around hella old people and they were being loud as fuck at this point. They had been on the street causing a ruckus and they all.

[B]

They all probably thought it was fucking us, which pissed me off even more because, like, our neighbors, like, think we're rowdy and we're literally not. But, like, it's just because we are 30 years younger than them. No shade. But they were sitting at the top of the hill and we started Yelling that at them. And I watched them, like, scurry like fucking rats. Like, they ran away after we said that. That I really hope they were on mushrooms or some hallucinogens. So they had, like, a lot of paranoia, so they never do that again. But I just don't understand how the they got here.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Like, they took too many wrong turns.

[A]

No, they were literally all just up and, like, strolling around. Because they were on the street before you came upstairs. They had been on the street for a minute.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because me and Sophia were up there. And I literally. I remember right by when they start. When. Yeah, when they started screaming on the street, Sophia was by the window. I was like, is there a kid out there? Is there a kid out there? Is there a kid out there? And she kind of peeked, and she was like, no. It's like, it's. They have to be, like, 21. Like, they're like. They're adults. And I was like, okay. And I kept hearing them scream, and I turned off the lights, and Sophia was, like, asking me why I was turning off the lights. And I was like, well, it's so they don't see our shadows and they don't know we're here, and they don't come in here and stab us a million times.

[B]

But, yeah, I. I decided I'm re. Entering my troll era.

[A]

Help me.

[C]

Help.

[A]

Help.

[B]

Doing that as, like, in a car driving by people, like, at 9pm like, help. Next break, when we were. When we were at UTA shouting out the window at that guy.

[C]

Help.

[B]

That's just a new bit is to, like, actually don't do that. That's gonna, like, ruin it. It's like a false flag.

[A]

I do that in. Like I did in the grocery store in the alcohol section yesterday because, like, I kept, like, making eye contact with workers and putting my hand up to flag them down, and they were all doing the thing where they were ignoring me, which I'm like, respect. You don't want to help me.

[B]

I would do the same.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

I actually, literally did do the same shit when I worked at a gas station.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, why are you asking me for help at a gas station? It's three square feet. Just look for five seconds.

[A]

Seconds me to you when you ever need to find something in the house, like, anytime.

[B]

No, the reason I ask is because everything has its place, and you move it from the place. You move it from the place.

[A]

I thought you were gonna say, like, I'm the queen of the house. And I, like, put things back and, like, we're the queen of the house collective. We're a joint queen.

[B]

Our joint slay maximizing our joint slayer. When two queens together to maximize their joint slay. Whoa. Did I even.

[A]

You didn't really say it. Sentence.

[B]

You said, when two queens together. No, but, like, literally, though.

[A]

Yeah. I can't lie. I need to so bad, so.

[C]

Oh, then you should. You should do that.

[A]

Are you guys gonna talk about me when I leave?

[B]

Well, yeah, that's what we always do.

[A]

You talk about me.

[B]

Yeah, no, that's what friends are for. It's like when one friend leaves.

[A]

That is so true.

[B]

We talk about. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Veronica's on snl. That's so sick. Oh, my God.

[C]

You know about the. Her story with getting rejected the first time?

[B]

No, wait. I just need the pod. Are we recording?

[C]

Yeah, we're recording.

[B]

That is so sick. I literally just gasped. I cannot believe we caught that on video. That is so cool. I know.

[C]

I was gonna tell you, but then I was like, I don't want to distract you from your work.

[B]

She is a star.

[C]

It's so crazy that it took this long for them to get her. I feel like she's perfect for it.

[B]

And then Cortisa released Fiend today, too.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

It's a big day for media guys.

[C]

We're back and they're doing weird sexual stuff, and it's really uncomfortable for me.

[B]

I'm back and I'm better.

[A]

I missed you.

[B]

Bad as ever.

[C]

Sounds good.

[A]

Tickles. Don't do that.

[C]

You immediately made up for it with that beautiful harmony. You guys are just so.

[B]

And then literally just went and took a. And then sat her shitty butthole to.

[A]

Insinuate I don't clean my butt good as. It's crazy.

[B]

She cleans that butt good.

[C]

As I've been cleaning my butt recently.

[A]

I think I'm past the point of announcing, like, my bathroom activities. Like, when I was upstairs, I was like, I can't believe I just announced that. Like, on the regular, like, every time I go into the bathroom, I announce, like, if I have to pee or.

[C]

Poop, I like it. Am I looking at it? Do we have to do ads this week? No, just looking at some stuff.

[B]

Stuff.

[C]

Whoa. Was that on the lips?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Whoa. That's crazy.

[A]

Yeah. This is my man, bro. You know what else seemed like it was, like, so much money? Club Penguin or, like, Webkin. Webkin. But Webkin were, like, kind of. Those were expensive. And that was a scam, because that's crazy. Like, $25 per. Also, Drew just pushed My back for me to be on him.

[B]

Like, he wants me on him.

[A]

You're gonna start overheating.

[B]

No, I'm not.

[A]

No, I'm not. Oh. Me and Drew are literally in love, and Kai's so jealous.

[C]

Not jealous.

[A]

He's kind of kicking his toes a little bit, so maybe he's, like, satisfied.

[C]

That's crazy. You can see that.

[A]

I mean, it's crazy. We can see it. You're sitting at a table with, like.

[C]

It's not a table. This is barely a table. This is a bedside table.

[A]

If anything, all you do is complain. You're never satisfied.

[C]

I'm satisfied.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I'm satisfied. Guys, we've been making a ton of upgrades. We have a little table for me. I guess you could call it that.

[B]

The chair is so terrible.

[C]

If you notice that the camera is different, we upgraded to. What is it? $19,000 camera.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, that's a Hasselblad. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. They shot weapons on this. It's the same camera. And they got me a little table. And then also, obviously, Kai cam is on the way. We know that. That's good.

[B]

Drewmoji's dropping soon.

[C]

Drew emoji.

[A]

Yeah, Kai and Drewmoji. Kai cam and Drewmoji are kind of the same veins.

[B]

No.

[A]

In terms of when they're gonna happen.

[B]

I'm so scared about this camera being literally three pixels, by the way. Like, the screen on it is one of the worst screens I've ever seen on a camera ever. So we'll see. We'll see if it works.

[C]

I like it.

[B]

We might be returning it and getting another camera.

[A]

I'm not turning this. I like this camera.

[B]

We're learning together.

[C]

We are learning. We've only been doing this for four years, so we're trying. We're still, like, figuring out.

[A]

Out.

[C]

We, like, if it's in focus, even.

[B]

Yeah, it might not be in focus. I don't know.

[A]

Well, a podcast is for the audio simulation.

[C]

That's exactly.

[A]

It's like the foreplay of comedy, right?

[C]

Oh, yeah. I love foreplay.

[B]

It's like, me too. I want to, like, fake foreplay with someone. Like, I want to, like, meet someone at a bar and be like.

[C]

I've thought about that. You know those movies where it'll be, like, a married couple and they'll, like, pretend to not know each other? I feel like that's, like, a kind of a trope. Yeah, I want that.

[B]

No, I think that sounds so cute.

[C]

Yeah. We should do the podcast version of that where we, like.

[B]

We Meet each other for the first time.

[C]

We should start a podcast.

[B]

Should we start a podcast together? I'm glad we're past that era where everyone. Thank you, Kai. Thank you, Kai.

[C]

You're welcome.

[A]

You're glad we're past the era of what? Everyone. What?

[B]

Don't worry about it.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

Don't worry about it. What is it the stock market thing?

[B]

It's like, oh, don't worry about a kitten. And here's my kitten.

[A]

Not too much, though. Not too much.

[B]

Wait, no. Like, the thing is, is they were so right about, like, physical contact. Like, the amount of oxytocin that's pumping through our veins right now is, like, so fucking.

[A]

No. It's literally awesome.

[B]

We're, like, chemically bonded in a way that, like, not many can understand.

[A]

Kai, do you want to turn next?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You want to sit in daddy's lap?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

He was like. Did you see his hesitation? He thought.

[C]

I thought he was gonna sit in your lap for her, but that's cool. If I.

[A]

Wait, did you think you were gonna sit in my lap or. I was gonna sit in your lap?

[C]

I thought potentially I would sit on top of you. Who's sitting on top of Drew?

[B]

Well, that would kill me because it wouldn't kill. You're £480.

[C]

I swear. You could close your eyes and you would forget immediately.

[A]

We should go back to Barbie so you could recreate that picture of us with Kai.

[B]

Oh, literally.

[C]

I'm serious.

[B]

That on the Instagram?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes. I also. I'm serious. Also.

[B]

Don't give a.

[C]

Okay, whatever.

[B]

No. What were you gonna say?

[C]

I'm not gonna be around forever. I'm not gonna be around forever and you're gonna think back on like that.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[C]

Say it again.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

You're sorry? What?

[B]

I'm sorry I was mean to you.

[A]

Don't. He's. I'm on his lap. You're not going to get him to say that weird shit while I'm right.

[B]

Here, but doing good.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

These last notes are like.

[A]

Basically I was bringing up the flossing thing because. Can more people start. Start flossing? Because it's been just greening me out and freaking me out. The amount of plaque buildup on everyone I speak to. Teeth.

[B]

I don't have black build up.

[C]

Do I have that? Have I grossed?

[A]

Anya, you don't.

[C]

Oh, no, no. I think I'm okay.

[B]

I've been noticing cigarette teeth a lot recently.

[A]

Do I have cigarette teeth to Be honest.

[C]

No, you don't.

[B]

No, not even.

[A]

I have, like, yellowing ass teeth from.

[B]

But no, no. I mean, cigarette teeth are, like, where you can see, like, from the inside. Like, them browning. Yeah. Like, it's like, deep inside the tooth. Youth.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I've been. I've been noticing that.

[A]

Well, it's also because we're getting to the age that everybody's, like, vices are catching up with them, so it's like you can really start to see what people are getting.

[B]

You can start seeing the skin melt off. The layers are melting off.

[C]

You, at one point on the podcast, said this. It was like an excerpt from something. Do you remember? It was. It was like a quote about looking in the mirror and only seeing your flaws and, like. Like your skin melting off of your bones.

[B]

That was just me. That came from the heart.

[C]

Really? You wrote that? I've been searching for it.

[B]

I didn't write that. I just made that up on the spot.

[C]

No.

[B]

Probably. I don't know what you're referencing. Find it and I'll let you know.

[C]

I feel like it was episode, like, 70. Someone in the comments will find that. Guys, go look in the episode.

[B]

Go to fruitytube.com and look at skin melting off the body.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

What's Fruity Tube?

[B]

A fan, like, made a database of every single episode we've ever released. And then, like, audio transcribed it to text, and then you can look up a word, and it'll show you all of the episodes that have that word in it. Isn't that cool?

[A]

But I think they. I think they stopped running it because also, now YouTube has, like.

[B]

Like, it also costs money to keep a website up.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought websites were free. Wow. No, never.

[B]

Never that. Never that. Nothing, guys, Unironically, nothing is free. Even the free you get. It's not free. No, Like, I.

[C]

If it's free, you are the product.

[B]

Yeah. And also, like, it also costs, like, in other ways, like labor. Environmentally, emotionally, socially.

[C]

There's a spiritual tax, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

To a lot of the. A lot of the integral parts of Western society that we don't think about.

[A]

I think about sex. Sex.

[C]

Sex is so lit.

[B]

My God. Oh, no, no. It's only 1216. I almost felt.

[A]

Oh, you're psychic.

[B]

Panic attack.

[A]

Drew's going to see a psychic.

[B]

I'm going to see a psychic today. And I really pray that they. They tell me everything's gonna be okay. I just really, all I need in life right now is someone to hold me how I'm holding In you right now and tell me everything is gonna be okay for everyone.

[A]

Hey, everything's gonna be okay for everyone.

[B]

Thank you. I don't even mean selfishly just for me. I just mean for everyone. I want everybody to be happy.

[C]

I'm looking at Fruity Tube. It's still up. I. I typed in the word skin and High tube. You've said it every episode for the last. That wasn't good. That was mean. You attacked me. Skin is. Was mentioned in the last 10 episodes straight. Basically, the word skin.

[B]

Oh, they're still updating it. We need to find the creator, Fruity Tube. And I need to, like, compensate them somehow, because this is special.

[A]

I know. I love that website. Thank you so much. Much.

[B]

But okay, let's do media. What did I watch this week? I watch Honey, I Blew up the kids. What is that like, honey, I shrunk the kids, but they made the baby giant. And it was. It was really nice to, like, watch last night. And then.

[A]

Oh, my God. I watched Fern Gully. What's that other one? There's another animated movie with the mice. It's like the evil mice and the rats and stuff. Rats, Rats.

[B]

We are the rats.

[A]

And then I also watched All Dogs Go to Heaven. I watched three movies in one night.

[B]

I watched the Biggest Loser docu series that was really cool and really dark and really, just really dark.

[A]

You've been watching Dark Ass Content. You need to switch to my side.

[B]

Come over to the sweet side. The. Not the Kim Gordon, but the Nan Golden.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that one was cool. I didn't finish it. I fell asleep halfway through, actually. I fell asleep like, 15 minutes in and then woke up and then was honest for the first time in my life about falling asleep. I can never. I don't know what it is. I immediately wake up and I was like. I wasn't asleep when I was, like, snoring, like, oh, I only slept for seven minutes when I slept. Yeah, you slept for, like, an hour.

[A]

Yeah. Like, you will knock out. I love sleeping. I will never deny that I've been sleeping.

[B]

Like. Yeah. I don't know. It's not even that I want to. It's not even like. It's just. I think maybe something happened to me as a child.

[A]

No, you just have an inherent nature to lie. So you wake up and your first instinct is to get a lie out.

[B]

I must lie. I must lie now.

[A]

Okay. My other media is honestly all the music I've been saying. I've just been kind of re listening to that. I'm in a bit of a slump right now because I've just been busy, so I haven't been hunting for new music to listen to.

[B]

Me and Kai are DJing in October, and I made a playlist for the set, and it just showed me a bunch of old recession core songs, which I won't play life, because I know they affect you, but, y', all, this isn't recession core, but How I Roll by Britney Spears is actually one. One of the greatest songs ever made. Like, it's. It is so good. It is so good.

[A]

Driving online, being in here is a really crazy vibe.

[B]

Well, that's. It's. It's gonna be like.

[A]

It's a whole thing.

[B]

It's a thing. And then.

[A]

Oh, I just saw that. That makes sense then.

[B]

Gold. Did you know this is there? She's saying something. Roof was falling. Let me know. Love me, love me. Oh, okay. Why does this give Kylie Jenner. This is my karaoke song. That's gonna be my karaoke song.

[A]

Karaoke.

[B]

I'm down.

[A]

I lied. I don't want to do karaoke with you.

[B]

Well, that was the episode, guys. Thanks for tuning in.

[A]

Thanks for watching.

[C]

Oh, this is my karaoke song.

[A]

Me hitting every japo still in la.

[B]

Was he in la?

[C]

He was in la.

[B]

Oh, I know.

[C]

He might still be here.

[A]

Okay, bye, guys.

[B]

Bye, y'.

[A]

All. This is an I Heart podcast.