HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME

Summary

Emergency Intercom – Episode: HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME
Hosts: Enya Umanzor & Drew Phillips
Release Date: January 24, 2025

---

1. Episode Milestone and Personal Reflections [04:01 - 06:19]

In this milestone episode, Enya (Kai) and Drew celebrate reaching Episode 200, marking a significant achievement for the podcast. The hosts delve into personal reflections, particularly focusing on Drew's transition from being 25 years old:

• Drew shares his feelings about aging:
  “When this comes out, expired. I'll be 25 years. I feel like it... do I want to take the risk?” [04:15]

• Kai offers reassurance:
  “No, girl, you're still so young.” [04:33]

Drew humorously compares his aging to discarding old milk, pondering whether to “take the risk” of not consuming it past its expiration. This light-hearted analogy sets the tone for their candid and comedic discussion on personal growth and the inevitability of aging.

2. Socio-Political and Economic Commentary [05:24 - 15:31]

The conversation swiftly shifts to broader socio-political and economic issues. Drew expresses his frustration with maintaining a positive outlook amidst global challenges:

• Drew on toxic positivity and societal oppression:
  “There's always been this layer of oppression over minority groups... I think existing, it's a gift.” [11:14]

• Kai adds perspective on societal control:
  “There is a silver lining to this. At least they're showing us their true colors.” [13:44]

The hosts discuss the manipulation of public perception by a purported oligarchic government, highlighting concerns over censorship and the consolidation of power. They emphasize the importance of community support and the resilience of marginalized groups in the face of adversity.

3. The TikTok Debate and Social Media Censorship [15:35 - 34:54]

A significant portion of the episode centers around the potential banning of TikTok and its implications:

• Kai laments the trend of banning TikTok:
  “It's such a pro TikTok Scroller because I'm so good at that.” [26:27]

• Drew critiques the impact on content creators:
  “If they take away the money, then it'll die very quickly.” [33:40]

The hosts dissect the unique appeal of TikTok, noting how the platform supports a diverse range of creators by incentivizing content creation through financial rewards. They express concern that removing these incentives could stifle creativity and erase vital online communities.

4. Personal Anecdotes and Internet Mishaps [35:12 - 45:07]

Kai and Drew share a series of personal stories and humorous mishaps related to their online activities:

• Kai recounts a failed TikTok death hoax:
  “I started Elisa Lena death hoax and got it like trending number one on Twitter... I was shaking in my bed.” [44:52]

• Drew discusses an awkward encounter with an aggressive driver:
  “She was like, oh, thank you. I'm straight.” [55:29]

These anecdotes highlight the dangers and unintended consequences of online trolling and the intense reactions they can provoke. The stories serve as cautionary tales about the responsibilities that come with digital interactions.

5. Gender Roles and Personal Relationships [39:32 - 58:36]

The hosts engage in a playful yet critical examination of gender roles and personal relationships:

• Drew on the challenges of makeup and masculinity:
  “Makeup is really hard. Being a man, actually.” [39:37]

• Kai provides humorous takes on gender dynamics:
  “Being gay is normal.” [42:18]

They explore societal expectations placed on men, particularly the pressure to conform to traditional masculine norms. Through their banter, they question and satirize these roles, advocating for a more flexible and accepting understanding of gender identity.

6. The Absurdity of Fame and Social Media Personas [60:00 - 67:25]

In the latter part of the episode, Kai and Drew mock the superficiality of fame and the construction of online personas:

• Kai mocks TikTok fame:
  “Coco is the new... we're going global, y'all.” [47:41]

• Drew criticizes the fleeting nature of online popularity:
  “It just feels like I'm going through my feed until I see something that catches my eye.” [27:44]

They discuss the ephemeral nature of online fame, the obsession with likes and views, and the often bizarre content that gains popularity. This segment underscores their skepticism toward the validation sought through social media platforms.

7. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts [61:02 - 67:25]

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts offer final thoughts interspersed with humor:

• Drew on the state of the world and community:
  “Times are looking dark, but together we make light.” [61:05]

• Kai's playful sign-off:
  “Margaret Robbie.” [57:35]

They reiterate the importance of community and solidarity in challenging times, blending sincere commentary with their signature comedic style. The episode ends on a humorous note, reinforcing their commitment to navigating life's complexities together.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Drew on Aging:
  “This is my last day of being 25 and when this comes out, expired. I'll be 25 years.” [04:15]

• Kai on Societal Colors:
  “At least they're showing us their true colors. They're not hiding behind the veil anymore.” [13:44]

• Drew on TikTok's Value:
  “If they take away the money, then it'll die very quickly.” [33:40]

• Kai on Death Hoaxes:
  “Starting a death hoax, like, actually, isn't funny.” [44:52]

• Drew on Community Resilience:
  “Existing, it's a gift.” [11:14]

• Kai on Gender and Masculinity:
  “Being a man, actually.” [39:37]

• Drew's Opening Reflection:
  “How do I run a website? I don't want to think about that. So I just won't do it.” [45:07]

---

Conclusion

In "HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME," Emergency Intercom offers listeners a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and critical socio-political commentary. Enya and Drew navigate topics ranging from personal growth and societal control to the quirks of social media and gender roles, all while maintaining their comedic rapport. This episode serves as a testament to their ability to tackle serious issues with a lighthearted and engaging approach, making complex topics accessible and entertaining for their audience.

Transcript

[Drew]

What's the best time of day to get a deal? All day with Jack in the Box's.

[Kai]

All day big deal meal.

[Drew]

You get to choose from four entrees.

[Kai]

Like the supreme croissant and five tasty sides, plus a drink starting at $5. So hurry in or take your time. You've got all day at Jack.

[Drew]

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[Kai]

Breaking news.

[Drew]

Breaking news. Error.

[Unknown]

Error.

[Kai]

Glitch. Glitch. We have something exc. A show and announce.

[Drew]

Excited. We have something excited.

[Kai]

Drew, I've been missing the.

[Drew]

Try again. Start the sentence over.

[Kai]

We have something so excited that we want to.

[Drew]

Kai, cover the camera. Cover the camera.

[Unknown]

Can I show.

[Drew]

Yeah, just.

[Kai]

We have something exciting. Exciting. We want to announce for you guys. Our wildflower cases are coming out on the 27th. That's a Monday, right?

[Drew]

Monday.

[Kai]

Monday. Monday. Yeah. On Monday, following this episode. So you got the whole weekend to.

[Drew]

Prepare and we did cute cases that are meant to go together.

[Kai]

It's for your friends.

[Drew]

You and your friends can all share. And if you have more than one close friend. Listen, the problems that start from this are not necessarily my problem. Make it work. Make it work.

[Kai]

Aw, cutesy, cutesy, cutesy.

[Drew]

I like. Don't with Drew.

[Kai]

And you're vile.

[Drew]

Can you put my case on your phone?

[Kai]

I already had it on my phone for like two weeks.

[Drew]

Put it back.

[Kai]

No, I like mine better. Don't hit me.

[Drew]

Hi.

[Kai]

We are failing the green line test right now. What does that mean, it means you dominate me.

[Drew]

I never really understood that. Like, I saw all the lines in those pictures of celebrities, but I always assumed it was like when David Dobrik's annoying ass would like put a circle on something on the thumbnail. Didn't he do that?

[Kai]

Probably at some point.

[Drew]

Like at some point that had to have happened. Or somebody does that. Maybe it's Mr. Beast. It's one of those freaky ass.

[Kai]

Like a little freaky.

[Drew]

All little freaky off.

[Kai]

Welcome back to Emergency Intercom. This is episode 200. Isn't that crazy?

[Drew]

Don't say that to me. Because I believed you. No, but we're not that far.

[Kai]

Oh, brother.

[Drew]

Oh, guys, as we're filming this, it's my last day of being 25 and when this comes out, expired. I'll be 25 years. I feel like it. I feel like the milk I left in the cabinet the other day where it's like you open it and you're like, I guess I could technically drink this because it's really cold. But like, do I want to take the risk?

[Kai]

No, girl, you're still so young.

[Drew]

No, I trust there's too much life to live after this.

[Kai]

Actually, there's like far scary amount of life.

[Drew]

But I'm excited. I genuinely am. I was thinking about how last year I went into the year with a really positive mindset and then bad things happened and let's just say say this year I went into it with an even more positive attitude and even worse things happened. Not necessarily to me, but like in the world. So I think we need to lock me up. Like we need to lock me up.

[Kai]

Shut that down immediately.

[Drew]

When I'm happy. I guess no one else gets to be happy.

[Kai]

You suck it out of everybody.

[Drew]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kai]

The. We should just talk about the socio political and economic state of the world right now, bro.

[Drew]

No, I literally was think of that because I was like, oh, I want to talk about like my thoughts for the year. But I. I still am trying to hold positive. I know. It almost feels like I'm still trying.

[Kai]

To gather my thoughts.

[Drew]

Yeah, I have no thoughts. Oh, about what's happening. Oh, I have no thoughts and never plan on hearing the thoughts that I maybe do have because I genuinely am like, it's cooked, guys. Teamwork makes the dream work. Don't let them know your next move. No, we're happy. We're good. We're good.

[Kai]

My thoughts are kill them all unironically. Like I can sit bed and lay there and literally fantasize about changing everyone's life around me by just.

[Drew]

Okay, well, you can't say that now, Drew.

[Kai]

Okay, okay, we'll. We'll bleep what I said, because I really don't want crimes. But, like, legitimately, I am the happiest, most stable I've ever been in my life.

[Drew]

Really?

[Kai]

Yes. I feel good. I'm happy spiritually, emotionally feel very connected.

[Drew]

You're, like, mentally well, right now.

[Unknown]

You're, like, mentally good.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And you're mentally well.

[Kai]

Wait, is this not kind of impressive?

[Unknown]

That is impressive.

[Drew]

It is pretty impressive. I thought you were gonna fall. Okay, you're trembling like you might as well be twerking. Wow. This is pretty impressive.

[Unknown]

I really thought you were gonna fall off that shit.

[Drew]

Okay, this is Drew's.

[Kai]

That's my try.

[Drew]

That's your audition for snl.

[Kai]

No, I've been.

[Drew]

All the auditions for SNL that came out. That's your.

[Kai]

Put me in, coach. Put me in. Wait, should I do an SNL audition right now? What impression should I do?

[Drew]

No, like, make an original character.

[Kai]

A British person waking up from. From surgery while the surgeons are still cutting him open. Oh, what's all this, then? Oh, what's all this, then?

[Drew]

I think he'd be more, like, scared and mad.

[Kai]

An alcoholic British person.

[Drew]

Okay, so all of them, but.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Okay, that was fun. I can't even hold you that.

[Kai]

I'm sorry.

[Drew]

I'm sorry to finish.

[Kai]

They're not. They're not alcoholics. I mean, I would be, too, if it was cloudy every day.

[Drew]

I think, sadly, most people are alcoholics, and they don't realize.

[Kai]

They don't know.

[Drew]

Yeah, they don't even know.

[Kai]

They know about them. They know. Oh, who the fuck is Coco, y'all? We're. We're bringing Coco back in a big way.

[Drew]

Do your fucking thing. The audition of an alcoholic. You just said alcoholic British guy, and then it.

[Kai]

Oh, it was gonna be a flop anyways. Like, I already. I already knew it was gonna stop.

[Drew]

You abandoned it.

[Kai]

Yeah. Okay. What would your SNL audition be?

[Drew]

I would walk in and be like, ah, you guys don't let the hot people talk enough. I'm gonna go. And then I would leave because I think a lot of the hot people, like, genuinely, like, there's some baddies who I don't see enough.

[Kai]

Like, put them in.

[Drew]

Take the bat. I want to see the baddies, like, pull out the baddies. Damn. No, I can't, because I have big, big plans.

[Kai]

In your big plan, India's plotting on the baddies.

[Drew]

No. You know Who I'm talking about.

[Kai]

I know who you're talking about.

[Unknown]

I'm manifesting an SNL skit that's like an emergency intercom parody this year.

[Kai]

Yeah, I think it could happen if we work hard enough.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Drew]

If we work hard enough. They would make fun of me. Don't put me on that damn show.

[Kai]

I want it. I want to be made fun of. I think. I think true equality. Is everyone getting bullied?

[Drew]

Yeah. I mean, I like, no trust and believe. I believe in a negative joke about somebody if it's actually funny.

[Kai]

But, like, don't stoop too low.

[Drew]

Yeah, don't.

[Kai]

Don't hit below the belt. But also, I was stalking this girl who.

[Drew]

You shouldn't be just stalking women.

[Kai]

No, it's, like, chill. Like, I follow her around and look through her windows. I don't ever interact with her, though she does. She barely even knows of my existence.

[Drew]

I mean, do you have any, like, plans on telling her? Or is it more of just. Is it, like. Is it a sexual thing? Because you're.

[Kai]

I mean, it could become one.

[Drew]

Oh, no, that's not good.

[Kai]

So. No, no, no. I've been stalking this girl on TikTok, and she made this video of, like, doing conservative makeup or whatever, and, like, she. She made a video that literally resonated with me so much, and it was like, the synopsis of it was like, no, I'm tired of, like, the Ms. Rachel's, like, rainbow and sunshine liberals, like, we need, like, to become absolutely vile and mean. And, like, once I become vile and mean and I start attacking them for their nasty, rotted, gutted mugs, their faces that are melting off their goddamn body. Don't say. And so she started bullying people for their looks because they voted against everyone's right, everyone. Everyone's rights, and they deserve it. So I think I'm going to take a page out of. I mean, I already, like, bully Elon Musk and his nasty fucking mug.

[Drew]

I just, like. I'm sorry.

[Kai]

I actually am scared to say that publicly because of the amount of censorship happening online right now. We live in an oligarchic fascist government. It's over for us, y'all, for the next four years, at least until Trump puts in a policy where he can run again, and then by that time, he'll be dementia ridden in a diaper and shitting himself, but will be Morse coding his farts, which is essentially the same of just hearing what he's saying.

[Drew]

Well, yeah, you know, shit. Like, I. The thing is, I genuinely don't Know what to say, because I actually am. I am so terrified that I am reverting to just being positive. Like, and that I think I genuinely feel like that says so much. But even with it being partially toxic positivity, I do think we know what to do. Like, I. Does that make sense? Like, I genuinely feel like there has always been this layer of oppression over minority groups. Whether it has to do with, like, race, sexuality, gender, like, yada, yada, yada. People have always made it such a point within our society to preserve important things. Which is crazy that the preservation I'm thinking of is rights. Like, it's just like basic human rights. But within these communities, there is a togetherness that I genuinely think nothing can be.

[Kai]

It'll persevere.

[Drew]

Yeah, it'll persevere. It'll grow stronger. It'll build communities in person even stronger. I think that's something I'm really thinking about in the next few years, is just. Just keeping all the people I know and love very close and safe. Yeah, and safe. And building those communities in person online. It is so important. But it has. I think at this point, it's been compromised. Yeah, it's been compromised. But we've learned so much in the past four to eight years with the Internet alone, and we've made so many communities. And I think just sticking down and, like, huddling down. Being there for your people, being there for anybody. And also just like, I don't know. It's such a hard thing to navigate because again, trust and believe. So many lives are being affected on so many scales. And even if it's not being affected, it's just causing this layer of anxiety on everybody. And you can see it in everyone's eyes that there is even the right.

[Kai]

I eat. Their silence is terrifying.

[Drew]

I know.

[Kai]

They're like, oh, fudge, what have we done? But me and Kai were talking about it, and Kai made good fucking points. It's like, there is a silver lining to this. At least they're showing us their true colors. They're. They're not hiding behind the veil anymore. Like, they're actively showing us who is in control. And it's 20 fucking people.

[Drew]

And, well, that's. I feel like also the weird lining is I'm trying to think about, like, where I want us to stand in this, if that makes sense. But I do think it's a good conversation to have, like, on the episode, because I don't want us to seem just like. Because we're not just like this. But it's. It's just a hard line to walk. Because with all that being said, and I think it is important to talk about, I also do want there to be some sort of safe place on the Internet still, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like there can be a balance where we can be both entertaining. But you guys also know that we are not dumb. We are not naive. We are not ignoring everything that's happening. And I'm scared, but I think existing, it's a gift. It's a gift. Existing is a gift. Guys, let's.

[Unknown]

There's also this, like, psy up that I feel like the Trump administration is doing where they're like, oh, we dominated. Like, the United States is, like, dominantly red now. And in reality.

[Drew]

Not the reality.

[Unknown]

They only got, like, 3 million more votes.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

And I feel like all over tick tock, people are like, yeah, like, this huge shift happened where it's like they. They barely beat us. Like, yeah, it's. It's so fucking insane. I feel like so many people are just like, damn, I guess everyone's a Republican now. But it's like, no.

[Kai]

And it's working.

[Drew]

And that goddamn message has all of us literally on edge. And I do think there should be some sort of awareness because, like Drew said, we fully do live in an. And I can't. I have said that word enough times in person, and every time I say it, I feel like I say it wrong. So I'm not even going to give it to anybody because I can't pronounce anything. Oligarchy, period. Okay. Every time I say. I feel like I'm saying it wrong because it also sounds like something from Lilo and Stitch. Like, it sounds like the oligarchy is coming together.

[Kai]

Ohana means oligarchy. Oligarchy means family, y'all.

[Drew]

We're in this together family business. But, yeah, we are definitely living in scary times. But I do think it is important to be very outspoken about the fact that y'all aren't gonna shut me up. Like, what? Literally? What are you going to do, drive me off the fucking Internet, bitch? I will never shut up. One thing about me is I demand detention from the day I was born to the day I fudgeing die. So I am going to say everything I want all the fucking time. You already are taking my rights in every other way. So I will continue my right to be a fudgeing bitch. And actually, I wouldn't kill any of y'all. I would slap the ever living fudgeing shit out of all the people front row. At the inauguration. I don't even want anybody who even with that shit. Because I know there's people out there who are just in the fucking weeds. And I know y'all are fucking with this. I will smack the ever living dog shit out of you if I see you in person. And I know you're on that side. Thank you.

[Kai]

And I don't want to kill them.

[Drew]

We don't. We don't. No, we don't believe in that. On a more positive note, it is a miracle that I have a license.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. Literally was, like, unironically, not even doing it as a bit. Like, just did donuts in front of our house for some reason.

[Drew]

Do a donut. I did a loop around to back up into a sound effect.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

My music was too loud. I couldn't hear.

[Kai]

And then. Yeah, we thought you were joking. We looked over and you were just, like, dead serious, like, blasting your amusement.

[Drew]

I do that all the time. Like. Okay. Also, I want to clarify. I am a very safe driver. I. There was no one around. Trust and believe. I peaked out down the intersection. I did all that. I saw the car. I knew you were there. Like, I didn't care. But yeah, I'm just an efficient driver. Some people are really taking their time out there. But I'm efficient and I'm safe. I'm the best of both worlds.

[Kai]

Yeah, exactly. And I want to be in a.

[Drew]

Car, so that would be so fun. I think actually my dream would be to be in a car commercial. Like, any car companies, honestly. Even like, Toyota Burbank. I'll take it. Like, if it's filmed. Well, I will take it.

[Kai]

I'll take the job climbing up the rock wall in a Jeep. Would you do a Jeep Wrangler?

[Drew]

No. Yeah, a Jeep Wrangler. If you drive a Jeep Wrangler.

[Kai]

We love you.

[Drew]

So sorry. I love you, but.

[Kai]

Cut it.

[Drew]

Get that car out of my fucking face. And I feel like a lot of people in our audience do drive Jeep Wranglers. Like, it just feels like it's just a really gay car that I don't like.

[Kai]

It's a mask lesbian car.

[Drew]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kai]

It's like. It's very masculine. It's. It's like Subarus and Jeep Wranglers. Those are like, the lesbian cars.

[Drew]

I. With the Subarus, though. The nice. The newer Subarus are really nice.

[Kai]

Like, are you saying you don't. With lesbians?

[Drew]

I. With a specific handful of lesbians, yes. Well, yes. Well, yes. But yeah.

[Kai]

Saying you hate gay people and you Like Donald Trump.

[Drew]

Not all gay people, guys. Not all gay people are bad.

[Kai]

Tick Tock was supposed to be banned. That's a whole other thing.

[Drew]

So annoying.

[Kai]

PR campaign. Duh. Meta will buy 50 of it over the next 90 days at some point, and it will be compromised. But anyways, not gonna take. Not to get back into my evil, dark, visceral. Visceral hatred. But I had this written down because I was like, oh, Tick Tock's going away. Like, there's no way he'll see it. But I'll talk about it anyways because it's a funny story. So what is happening? Y'all know the Tick Tock physics teacher? Yeah, like, the. The Tick Tock physics teacher. Kai, do you know who I'm talking about? Look up Tick Tock physics teacher.

[Drew]

What is happening? Because I'm really scared.

[Kai]

So I thought he was fine. Like, I thought he was a baddie, but I didn't know how to approach saying he was a baddie because I was like, I'm gonna shoot my shot.

[Unknown]

Wait, so this guy.

[Kai]

No, you have to insert no. Yes. Yes.

[Drew]

Actually, you're a good liar, though, because you asked that in a way that seemed like you genuinely believed it. You're like, oh, that's cute.

[Kai]

But we followed each other on Instagram, and we were just, like, chatting and talking and whatever, and it was a vibe. Well, one day. Oh, my God. It's actually so humiliating. I'm not even kidding. One day, I devised a plan when he posted a story.

[Drew]

Okay, actually, I want to hear that.

[Kai]

So my plan was when he posted an IG story, I was going to send it to you and say, oh, my God, he's fine. Like, he's. He's sexy hot or whatever, but accidentally send it to him.

[Drew]

Oh, my God, Drew, did you respond?

[Kai]

Well, I did do that. And he was like, oh, thank you. I'm straight.

[Drew]

Oh, God.

[Kai]

Hey, guys, we wanted to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors, Liquid Ivy, y'all. I found my new favorite liquid IV flavor. And was I not literally bragging to you?

[Drew]

He was yelling about it to me from across the house last night.

[Kai]

Sugar free raspberry is so goated. It tastes so good.

[Drew]

I'm pretty basic. I just drink the lemon lime flavor, honestly. But, like, that is my thing. I just drink it in the morning, and it's become so part of my routine, and I can genuinely tell the difference on the days I don't take it. Especially recently, we've been moving around so much that if I don't have it on me. I freak out. And I love that they make them in the single use packets cuz I just throw a few in my purse so on mornings where I have to run out of the house I can just have it wherever I go and.

[Kai]

They come along with me with all of my new rituals this year randomly. I'm starting piano lessons every Tuesday or Monday and you best believe the Liquid IV will be there with me. Embrace your ritual with extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV. Get 20 off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to Liquid IV.com and use code emergency at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop. Better hydration today using promo code emergency at Liquid iv. That's.

[Unknown]

Com.

[Kai]

Hey guys, we wanted to take a quick break to thank another sponsor of today's episode, Rocket Money.

[Drew]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. I don't know about y'all, but I do this all the time. I sign up for something for the free trial. I think I have won the game of life.

[Kai]

You, ma'am, won the Internet that day.

[Drew]

Only to find out that I never canceled it because I'm an idiot. And if I do something and then don't cancel it immediately, I will never be canceling it. Only to find out months later when I finally see in my email, oh cool, the 18th subscription I forgot to cancel and now my bills are way higher. And how do I explain to myself that I'm not responsible? And that's why Rocket Money is so useful, because it just shows you everything. And also, fun fact, did you know that 85% of people have at least one paid subscription going unused each month?

[Kai]

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.comIntercom today. That's RocketMoney.comIntercom RocketMoney.com Intercom I'll read you the message.

[Drew]

Why would you not, like, run that past me?

[Kai]

I did.

[Drew]

No, you did not.

[Kai]

I swear to God I did. I was like, I'm going to do this. And you're like, sure? Because it was like more of a troll than anything. Yeah.

[Drew]

Oh, wait, was that the night you were standing on the table in front of me and giving like a monologue.

[Kai]

I don't remember. This was. This was years ago. This was like three, four years ago. Oh, yeah.

[Drew]

Oh, I do remember this.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah.

[Drew]

Oh my God. Bruh.

[Kai]

It's sutherland physics, I think. Yeah. Southern.

[Drew]

Do you know you're telling the story?

[Kai]

No, but. I don't give a but. I mean, we literally had a fruitful, long relationship.

[Drew]

Fruitful.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Wait, did you send it to him on Tick Tock?

[Kai]

No, on Instagram. This was years ago. I can't find our messages. But damn, we've talked a lot actually. But yeah, Tick Tock's not banned. But that's an embarrassing story that I had.

[Unknown]

I just feel weird because I posted a bunch of nasty whole videos because I was like, it's banned. Like, we're all gonna have fun.

[Kai]

All that. And we warned.

[Drew]

How did that go up? Like, how.

[Unknown]

Like it was getting banned. Everyone was doing crazy, so I thought it was fine.

[Drew]

But pulling hole because people were admitting to not working out and doing diet.

[Kai]

Yeah, like not eating the mukbangers. Admitting to not eating the food.

[Drew]

Like, like, do you hear yourself? You are fucking dumb as hell.

[Kai]

And like, them still not posting since they posted that video. And TikTok's been back for two days. Like, bitch, I would be shameful.

[Drew]

And that was really like a suicide ritual. Like, that was like a weird, like, ritual we saw. Because also, I'm confused. Like, it really does show me the age group of everybody on TikTok, the way certain people were reacting because I felt awful because obviously people are going to like, lose their jobs. It's income for a lot of people. It's good for businesses, all this shit. But there were people who were actually acting like the Internet was done, which showed me that their only use of the Internet was Tik Tok, which was kind of jarring.

[Kai]

Diversify. Oh, I was saying last night, like, bitch, I'm going pro. Like, I'm a pro TikTok Scroller. Like, I like, I really, I really could go to the Olympics for tik tok scrolling because I'm so good at that. And I don't use TikTok like all you other bitches. Like, I find weird fucking random people in the middle of America and learn every single thing there is to learn about them. And I mean obscure people.

[Drew]

Yeah, you do really good at it.

[Kai]

Like 5 likes, 200 views.

[Drew]

When you were looking over my shoulder on my TikTok the other day, I could tell everyone you wanted me whose profile you wanted me to go to. And I was like, I'm not doing that.

[Kai]

I knew you. I knew you could tell.

[Drew]

I just like, I don't like doing that. Also, I found Logan Roy on TikTok.

[Kai]

Is that a Versace suit?

[Drew]

No, it's like, just a random guy in a weird suit. I really like his vibe, though. Like, why do I want this outfit for my birthday?

[Kai]

This is literally me.

[Drew]

Should we go get me a suit for tomorrow and I could wear a.

[Kai]

Suit on my birthday? Before I, like, rudely interrupted you, I don't know. Right before I was saying, tick tock, scrolling, going pro.

[Drew]

Oh, I'm so bad at it. Like, I just hate you were saying.

[Kai]

Something else, but sorry, keep going.

[Drew]

Oh, that. You're really good at it. Is that what you want to hear?

[Kai]

Keep going.

[Drew]

No, I was saying that I could tell when you want. Like when we're going through my feed, I could tell Drew wants me to go to people's pages, and I'm just like, no, I don't want to do that. It's so boring to me.

[Kai]

It's so lit, bro. You know?

[Drew]

Like, you know it's because you're really good at it. But also, I. I use tick tock. I don't know what I watch because every time I open the app, I don't watch through a single video. Like, I. It takes so much to get my attention or it has to be immediate because I feel like you've seen me do it. I just like, when I open Tik Tok, I'm just like. Yeah, it's like I literally just go through until I see something that catches my eye. Like, I'm going on there for a specific vibe. And if I don't catch it in the first few ones, I just go to Insta.

[Unknown]

Sometimes I. I see like, the most pathetic people on Tik Tok. Like, I was scrolling and there was this guy on a plane and he took a. A selfie with an iPad.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, behind him. I know.

[Kai]

Guy is a loser behind.

[Drew]

Yeah, the guy behind that guy was so ugly.

[Unknown]

I was actually talking about the guy taking the photo. That guy behind him seemed cute.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, he was.

[Unknown]

The guy behind him did seem cute.

[Kai]

I like his smile.

[Drew]

The plain selfie guy. I really like the plain self guy.

[Kai]

Well, I have something.

[Drew]

The pathetic playing guy is such a bummer, though. The one behind him.

[Unknown]

No, the one.

[Drew]

Yeah, he was like, he wanted. He was having main character syndrome.

[Unknown]

No, no, the one in the back. In the comments, people were saying he looks like Luigi has Luigi vibes.

[Drew]

I'm talking from the game?

[Unknown]

No, from the assassination.

[Kai]

Oh, you want to look like an assassin.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. That's weird. It's weird in this climate to want to look like an assassinator. Kai Newman.

[Unknown]

Okay, well, I'm just saying aesthetically, not like, you know, ideologically.

[Kai]

Oh, so you wouldn't want to kill the rich.

[Drew]

Okay. Okay. Yeah. You're picking your size.

[Kai]

You're a bootlicker. No, that. That fucking video taking off in that way was absolutely insane. I literally could not believe the reaction it was getting.

[Unknown]

Because it's, like, 50 million views.

[Kai]

Yes. It's got, like, 10 million likes. It was, like, numbered in the top 10 most popular videos on TikTok for the week.

[Unknown]

I feel like whenever a video gets that many views, it. It, like, transcends language barriers. That's something human that you're capturing it.

[Kai]

My. It's, like, hitting, like, the Middle east right now. Like, it's like, yeah, you're worldwide. Yeah. I've literally gone global. And, like, the craziest thing is, like, when I posted it, I was like, oh, this is just, like, a.

[Drew]

Just a good.

[Kai]

A draft that I'm posting because TikTok's getting banned. Like, it's gonna just get 20,000 likes. But, like, bro, like, the amount of.

[Drew]

Believe in your dream.

[Kai]

Believe in it. It can take off. But anyways. Dollar sign, elfie coins. Dollar sign, elfie coin dropping soon. Selfie selfie coin dropping soon.

[Unknown]

The iPad coin.

[Kai]

Yeah. Selfie, selfie, iPad kid coin. No, but we're going global, y'all. Like, I'm. I'm about to do podcasts. Like, Brittany Broski hit me up to do her podcast. Trisha Paytas hit me up to do her podcast.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Playing selfie guy.

[Drew]

Ellen DeGeneres, obviously, as his manager right now, but don't worry, guys, I'm only taking 90. He's getting 10. He's getting kind of everything.

[Kai]

So fair. Yeah, yeah. I have a link up with Hot to a girl coming soon. But no, it was so funny. Like, people, like, it's. If you know me and you know us, like, it's very obvious. A troll. Obviously a troll. But the amount of comments that were like, oh, my God, this is so wholesome. Like, I love his energy. Like, he really doesn't care about anybody else around him, which is very true. Like, I really don't give a fuck.

[Drew]

I guess it. Yeah, it is real.

[Kai]

But my favorite comment was like, oh, I like his smile. His smile is so cute.

[Drew]

And it's you doing the. This smile. No, that was Pre that smile.

[Unknown]

I think the underrated draft was the. The one where it looks like you just ate poop and you had to.

[Kai]

Yeah, that did not. That did not take that one.

[Unknown]

I feel like.

[Kai]

Lick that. What is that Dooo. Lick that butt. Eat that butt. Eat that. What? Eat that. But yeah, the. The draft dump was very melodramatic of me. And honestly, I was watching. I was watching them. It's lead pa. Did you watch my story, Kai?

[Drew]

This is what he was on Tick Tock.

[Unknown]

No, I didn't see that, bro.

[Kai]

The amount of drafts I had of me just staring at the camera with a filter with a creepy song behind me was actually insane. Probably 20 more loaded up if I could.

[Drew]

Yeah, you had a lot of drafts that were just. That. It was kind of eerie.

[Kai]

Yeah. I was crying, laughing at all the people that deleted Tick Tock off their phone the second hand, and they couldn't get back in. So they were having to watch it through, like, email and Safari.

[Unknown]

And you still can't access it, right?

[Drew]

Oh, really? Not on the App Store, I think.

[Unknown]

I thought you could because I send you stuff and you said you can't watch it. I thought.

[Kai]

Are you airing my out like that?

[Unknown]

That's not. That's probably a. That's like.

[Drew]

You ever thought he's just, like, ignoring you and wants wanted it, like, the perfect excuse to not reply?

[Unknown]

It's impossible.

[Kai]

I don't have Tick Tock. Okay, honestly, Tick Tock's bunk as like, y'all. Yeah, y'all use that app. I. I'll be fine without it.

[Drew]

I really am at a crossroads. Like, something about it does feel a little tainted, but I'm like, y'all can't take this from us. Like, you already. Like, you can't take it from us. We'll see what happens in, like.

[Unknown]

I just hope it doesn't become, like, what. They don't have the Reels algorithm.

[Drew]

I know, because that's what. That's what I'm worried about.

[Kai]

And I'm scared. The. The reason why Tick Tock works so well is because it actually pays random people to post. So it became. It can become a side hustle for them, and it incentivizes them. And it's like, oh, I can make an extra thousand dollars a month by posting on Tick Tock. And all I do is just vlog my life. Like, duh. Like, I'm gonna do that. And no other app has that. And that's why Tick Tock works so well, is because it's so human. Because Actually, real humans are posting on it. And it's not just these, like, social media influences. Yeah. Like, like, it's perfect. It's perfect down to the last minute detail. And if they take away the money, then it'll die very quickly.

[Drew]

The. The little Trump message. Boo. Tomato, tomato. I even read that.

[Kai]

I know.

[Drew]

I feel like I only read what it said when people were posting their screenshots, that it wasn't working anymore. And even that, I was just typing. I was like, whatever, whatever.

[Kai]

What's scary is it wasn't for us. It was for, like, the 14 to 17 year old boys that use Tick Tock that are, like, voting in the next election in four years. They see that and they're like, oh, President Trump saved Tick Tock. I'm gonna vote for the Red Party.

[Drew]

Y'all are dumb enough to fall for that. I hope your mom comes home drunk as and beats the living out of you.

[Kai]

I'm sorry. I genuinely hope. I genuinely hope Trump gets cancer. I hope his insides melt out of his ass. Sorry.

[Drew]

This episode is literally us, like, having a funny, fun conversation and then it. It literally. It always leads back to the funk. Like, it always leads. But that's what I'm saying. This is the last episode. I'm talking about those fucking nasty ass men. Other than this, you won't hear anything from me because I'm not giving them the time of day. Like, I'm not wasting my.

[Kai]

Am I allowed to say that I.

[Drew]

Found this Tick Tock? That's literally just the. What this podcast is. Two girls and the boy they bully.

[Kai]

I actually might break my neck.

[Drew]

Help me, help me, help me, help me.

[Kai]

Catch me by my shoulders. Like, I'm gonna slide down.

[Drew]

Okay, just let go.

[Kai]

Thank you. I was literally about to break my.

[Drew]

Neck actually, like, hurts so bad, bro. Like, we are pushing 30. What? Chip? Oh, a chip of the chair.

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

Oh, one of your chips.

[Kai]

Yeah, a spicy frito, which I think is the best chip ever made. Remember when being called a local was like a reading? Like, now all we feed for is wanting to be called locals.

[Drew]

Also, what's so funny is, like, the audacity to call someone a local. And everybody who said my locals was just either at college or made a rash decision to move out of their.

[Kai]

State or was a fucking loser online.

[Drew]

Yeah. Like, my locals. I never. I will say I never said my looks. I've always loved my locals. Like, I've always loved them.

[Kai]

No, I.

[Drew]

We've always, like.

[Kai]

I know I used it derogatory. I was like, My locals. I hate my locals. But it's also because I grew up in a. Not even gonna talk about it.

[Drew]

I'm not gonna talk about it.

[Kai]

I. I grew up being called slurs.

[Drew]

Well, I'm having the kind of period that feels like it is the period of Christmas pass.

[Kai]

Do you want me to talk to your uterus?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

In his uterus. In his uterus. I'm talking directly to you right now. Stop hurting my girlfriend. Okay? You. Tory, I'm gonna.

[Drew]

Okay, can you back up?

[Kai]

I'm gonna beat the out of you if you don't stop hurting my friend and making her bleed.

[Drew]

So you're gonna hit me?

[Kai]

Just sit down so she. I need her to stop bleeding out of her vagina because of you. You're really, really getting in the way of my period. You're getting in the way of a lot of things, so. Uterus. I'm telling you now, I'm your worst enemy.

[Drew]

I am your nightmare.

[Kai]

I am your worst.

[Drew]

No, but sometimes I feel like I have like a. Like I have too many chill periods where they're, like, seamless. I'm just bleeding, whatever, no big deal. And I. No cramps or anything. And then just one month, it feels like somebody ran up to me with steel toed boots, kicked me in the vagina, threw me on the pavement, stepped on my lower back, and then turned me over and grabbed two wrenches and went like this with my nipples in them.

[Kai]

Were your nipples hurt on your period?

[Drew]

My boobs.

[Kai]

You need a massage?

[Drew]

Honestly? Yeah. Ew. Like, the thing is. Ew. Come on.

[Kai]

Yeah, that's disgusting.

[Drew]

It's really like, I can't even. Like, it's. Don't say that kind of to me ever again. Okay? Just watch yourself.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Why is doing makeup actually really hard? Guys, Like, I'm. I'm talking about a lot of girl things that y'all can't understand. But last night I was feeling brave and I was like, I haven't played with makeup in so long.

[Kai]

You really haven't, though?

[Drew]

Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna do my makeup to see. Maybe on my birthday I do my makeup. No, No. I don't even have photo evidence of what I did last night because I was humiliated. Like, I stood in front of the mirror and was like, yes, I'm gonna go crazy. I'm gonna give, like, glamour down. I washed my face immediately. Like, I literally. I'm not kidding. I've never gone in bed faster. Like, I, like, I like, washed my face half ass, put cream all over and went to bed.

[Kai]

I was like, I can't do it.

[Drew]

It's embarrassing.

[Kai]

Yeah. Makeup is really hard. You know what else is hard?

[Drew]

What?

[Kai]

Being a man, actually.

[Drew]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kai]

Guys, like, just generally just being a man.

[Drew]

Well, like, what about it?

[Unknown]

Hearing about periods.

[Kai]

Yeah. Like, having to protect women my whole life, basically. Protecting women constantly, like, not being able to chase after them.

[Drew]

Not being able to chase after them.

[Kai]

Yeah. It's just like. It's unironically.

[Drew]

You chase people Normally, yes. Is that like a hobby?

[Kai]

Yeah. But no, like, actually, like, being a.

[Unknown]

Man is hard, but doing that period simulator did make us feel what it was like to be a woman. And actually, I redact what I said, and it's actually way harder to be a woman.

[Kai]

Yeah. I was gonna say it's hella easy like that, period. Like, y'all complain.

[Unknown]

That shit hurts so bad.

[Kai]

It was horrible. You were moaning, Kai.

[Drew]

I know it was.

[Unknown]

We have.

[Kai]

Roll the clip. Roll the clip. No, no, we can't. No.

[Unknown]

Okay, I'm gonna roll it. I'm gonna roll it.

[Drew]

Ew. Also, Lucas and Josiah were waxing Lucas's legs in the crib. And it was the most. Like, Patrick was there, Josh was filming it. And I was like, this is the most homoerotic thing ever. Because I was in the kitchen, and all I heard was, like, them moaning and groaning and, like, all laughing and then getting really silent while one of them was moaning and groaning. And it was really.

[Kai]

Did you record any of it?

[Drew]

I think I did.

[Kai]

I think I did. Because I need to hear that audio.

[Drew]

Like, I don't know if I got any of the moaning and groaning because it was really gross. And I was like, ew, take it somewhere else. But I did get this video of Lucas asking Josiah if he should turn over.

[Kai]

Should I roll over?

[Drew]

All right. Should I turn around? And then at one point, they were just playing bossa nova, and it was just Lucas and Josie. And I was like, this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

[Kai]

Such a weird vibe.

[Drew]

Such a weird fucking vibe. And it's really starting to feel like we're a bit too old be doing that. But also, guys, we're reworking the world. I fear we're reworking it.

[Kai]

We're going to be roommates forever. Not because we want to, but because we have to.

[Drew]

Why aren't you going to marry, like, a pretty girl or something? Yeah, you have to go off and marry a pretty girl to go off.

[Kai]

And marry a pretty girl and start a family. Imagine that. Art for Me like, I swear there will be a time in my life that I enter spiritual psychosis, religious psychosis and like become hyper religious and like denounce all gay like low Anthony and like become just like a normal person.

[Drew]

Ew.

[Kai]

No, I'm just kidding. Being gay is normal.

[Drew]

Rolling your eyes like guys.

[Kai]

Being gay is like actually I just, I can feel it in my cards. Like I'm just like a little crazy.

[Drew]

I don't think that has to be like, I guess being straight is a little crazy. Like I'm not even kidding. I was thinking about it in the car right over here and this is gonna sound so annoying but if you actually give a about like gender and genitals, you are weird as like you are weird as to me and I am so sorry but like it's just the weirdest thing to give a about. Like if you find someone bad and you're attracted to them, you're gonna get to freakin one way or another. Trust and believe like you will find it. Like there is something there. But I think some people are literally just too boring.

[Kai]

Like I don't know, be they're proof you're losers. That's the other thing about Mark Zuckerberg is he has one body. That's why, that's why he's a power hungry loser is because he has one body. He's a prude little twerp with a baby penis that he never gets to use.

[Drew]

Oh, somebody gets hired because I know damn well they are not like like taking care of anything in their homes by themselves. So anybody who works in their house to any capacity, you should sneak near into Mark Zuckerberg.

[Kai]

Cameras. Sneak cameras into the house.

[Drew]

Oh, I don't want to see that.

[Kai]

No, I. I need to embarrass. Oh yeah, yeah. One time. What were you gonna say? No, I was just gonna change the subject one time. Another story that I've never told because it scared the ever living out of me. I. It was the most terrified I've ever been in my life. I for some reason. Do you know Lisa and Lena?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

For some reason when I was like 16, I thought it would be the funniest thing in the world to start a death hoax for them. So I started Elisa Lena death hoax and got it like trending number one on Twitter. And it was so bad it had like 40000 tweets on it and it was so bad that they had to like make response videos to it and be like I'm not dead. And they all track not dad all of their fans tracked it back to me and was like, that's just literally not funny. Like, starting a death hoax, like, actually isn't funny. I was like shaking in my bed and like, it was like a bunch of like 13, 14, 15, 16 year.

[Drew]

Old girls because 12 year olds are getting no.

[Kai]

Like they were eating me up and like, they, like, I was not safe on the Internet for a week. Like they, they had shooters like ready to fucking.

[Drew]

They brought in the national gu your account. Like they were at your like little post button standing around.

[Kai]

I still think death hoaxes are hilarious.

[Drew]

No, it is funny.

[Kai]

But like, like I gave y'all permission to just start death hoaxes.

[Drew]

It's like, it's funny. Hey guys, we want to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors, Shopify. Why do I like Shopify? Shopify? What's not to like about Shopify? It literally makes everything about running a business 10 times simpler. It makes it easy to create your brand open for business and get your first sale going. I'm the kind of person who if I sit on an idea too long, I will get so overwhelmed by the semantics of the business side of it. How do I run a website? I don't want to think about that. I can't think about that. I can't learn that. So I just won't do it. And Shopify is the perfect tool to avoid all of that preemptive anxiety and just get your business going. Cha Ching. With Shopify, your first sales closer than you think. Established in 2025. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.comintercom all lowercase go to shopify.comintercom to start selling with Shopify today. Shopify.com/intercom.

[Kai]

Cha Ching.

[Drew]

Cha Ching. We're so done with new Year. New you this year it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Geminis because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too be more you this year and find them on Bumble.

[Kai]

Be honest.

[Drew]

When's the last time you had a homemade meal? We get it. Between meetings, workout classes, and the kids after school sports, who's got time to cook?

[Kai]

That's where hellofresh comes in. No matter how busy you get, hellofresh.

[Drew]

Has everything you need to get an easy Home cooked meal on the table.

[Kai]

With flavor packed recipes like Parmesan Herb crusted Salmon.

[Drew]

You'll be filling your kitchen with the.

[Kai]

Cozy aromas of a homemade meal in no time.

[Drew]

So go ahead, try Hellofresh. It's homemade made easy. Learn [e-mail] it is funny because it's just like, bruh, like, what do you mean he died? Also, like, I would love a memorial, like, compilation of Drew and it's like jumping.

[Kai]

Yeah. That's all I think about is like, my photos, like, they're going to like, people who don't know who I am and they're going to be like, oh, wait, that kid died. That's so sad. They go to my Instagram and it's just those photos, like, literally, what do I look like? Does anybody actually know what I look like? Like, it's actually crazy.

[Drew]

I. I've never thought about that. Like, the day people have to just like, look you up, be like, oh, I've seen a video of him.

[Kai]

Oh, the selfie playing guy, the plane selfie guy died. Oh, I have to liquidate my elfie coin. My dollar sign elfie coin.

[Unknown]

Oh, that's genius. Is that not smart?

[Kai]

As I've been saying it for the last 10 minutes and no one seemed to.

[Drew]

No, it's. I mean, like, it's good, but it's as good as like, Emoji Restaurant is good.

[Kai]

Do you know about Emoji Restaurant?

[Unknown]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kai]

Have I talked about it on here?

[Drew]

I think, like 10 times, endlessly.

[Kai]

Emoji Restaurant is an IP that's a.

[Drew]

Follow where he's like, you reintroduce the same ideas under like, a different umbrella.

[Kai]

You know, it's up is last night or the night before, me and Josh were talking just like, how nice it would be to have like a second you to like, go and like, be social. And then I can just sit in my bed and rot on tick tock all day and, like, I have a second person taking care of, like, my job, my social relationships and all that. Which, like, that's why I need the personal AI thing you've been telling me about Kai.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Kai]

But I was like, damn, like, that's such a good idea for like a short film or even like a movie, like, to adapt that into a movie. And then I sat up, I talked about it or thought about it for three more seconds and I was like, oh, so literally the substance. Like, I literally want to make the substance too. Like, okay. I do that all the time where I think I Come up with these, like, amazing ideas, and then they've been done 400 times.

[Drew]

Did I do the same thing? I'll be like, no one's ever done this before. And I take a picture of it to send to somebody, and then my phone takes that photo and goes through my whole iPhone and shows me, on every application, something similar to what I'm doing currently.

[Kai]

I mean, consciousness and ideas are a cosmic bubble that you can reach into and connect to, but all of the ideas everyone else in the world can reach into. And so once you have an idea out there, do it. Take a hold of it.

[Drew]

Wow. Thank you. Are you okay, bro?

[Kai]

No. Everything in my life is bad.

[Drew]

No, I'm right here. I'm right here in my birthday tomorrow.

[Kai]

You literally are like, hello.

[Drew]

Also, if you ask somebody whose birthday is coming up what they're doing for their birthday, like, what are you gonna do? Like, what are we gonna do? Suck my dick and balls from the back while I'm bent over after running eight miles? Like, literally. Are you dumb as. What do you mean, what are we gonna do? Who's we? Like, like, leave me the alone. And that sounds so mean, because a lot of my close friends have asked me that, and I'm down for that. But, like, the stranglers who, like, or not.

[Kai]

The strangers, the killers.

[Drew]

The stragglers, who I'm not that close to, who will just text me this week and be like, what are we doing for your birthday?

[Kai]

Describing your friends that text you what you're doing for your birthday as stragglers is crazy.

[Drew]

You know what I mean? Like, the people who I'm like, I see every now and then, but I just so happen to fall into conversation with, and then they're like, oh, my God, it's your birthday soon. What are you gonna do? Like, do you have plans? Like, what's the plan? What's the plan? If you want a free meal, tell me you want to take me on a day, and I'll pay. I'll. I'll literally pay.

[Kai]

Yeah, but.

[Drew]

Yeah, but also, it's just because I'm the kind of person who, again, I want attention, but I refuse to demand it. And I just wish everyone kind of knew it was my birthday and could read my mind and just do something for me. Because, like, I don't want to decide.

[Kai]

And I just can never tell if you want to do something for your birthday.

[Drew]

Well, because if anybody does anything that isn't exactly what I want, I'm gonna be pissed. Then I don't know what I want.

[Kai]

Whatever the opposite of sapiosexual is. That's what I am.

[Drew]

What the fuck does that mean?

[Kai]

A sapiosexual is someone like attracted to intelligence.

[Unknown]

That's what I am.

[Kai]

Yeah, Kai's a sapiosexual. I'm the opposite of that.

[Unknown]

Oh, bimbo sexual?

[Kai]

Yeah, bimbo sexual.

[Drew]

Do you just like want somebody who's dumb as bricks?

[Kai]

I just want control.

[Drew]

Oh, okay. I mean, I'm glad you can recognize that.

[Kai]

No, I really do think stupid people that aren't Republicans are cool.

[Drew]

No, I genuinely, I feel like we talk about that all the time. Is people who are just living on like kind of a disconnected realm are kind of lit it.

[Kai]

Everything is bad.

[Drew]

No, everything is good and everything is embarrassing. I don't know guys. I. I really woke up on the right side of the bed today and it only took me three tries. Cuz I've been trying to wake up since 9am and I didn't get out of my bed until 11:40.

[Kai]

I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and was like up and atom. Like I, I know was pissing me off. I was like, I. I normally just wake up hella early like automatically but 6:30, the sun wasn't even up yet and I was so pissed and I could not go back to sleep.

[Drew]

I just love sleeping and it's really bad.

[Kai]

I did fall back asleep. This is what I wanted to talk about. I did fall back asleep at like 9:30 and woke up at like 10:40, 10:15 or something like that. Tell me why. I had the most like horrible dreams ever. That I was just perpetually overdosing and accidentally taking handfuls of Xanax, thinking they were men's. I'm not kidding. Like literally it happened three times and I was like, oh, here we go again, like gotta get narcanned or whatever.

[Drew]

Oh my God.

[Kai]

Yeah, no, it was horrible and like I in real life I could feel my mouth like open.

[Drew]

Also I hate that you did that face because I just thought of the TikTok.

[Kai]

What?

[Drew]

So like how customers look at me one like you do just looked like when you had that one filter on like this is her. Ew. I don't like that anymore. It's kind of really gross. It's nasty. Well.

[Unknown]

You can't do that. You can't look at me and make that face. If this was any other working environment that would not be appropriate.

[Kai]

Pervert.

[Unknown]

He stuck his tongue out and like wagged it at me.

[Kai]

Yeah, you're such a perv for sexualizing.

[Unknown]

That sexualizing, the most sexual thing that you can do, touching someone is so gross.

[Drew]

I know. I hate that you and Josie do it. It's so disgusting. Like, it is really nasty. It's vile.

[Kai]

It's like, why is it so gross, though?

[Drew]

I don't know. Oh, but I did. I guess I did do that. A lady, remember?

[Unknown]

Wait, what?

[Drew]

I think we cut it out. But honestly, like, this is my secret to share. This is the one I would have shared for TikTok. This lady made me so mad at in road rage because I had the right away and she was being a fucking bitch. It was this older fucking white lady. She had to have been like 63. And I had the right away and I wasn't moving fast enough for her liking. So her car was like. Her face was right here out my window because she was trying to get into a spot. I don't even remember the setting. All I remember is I was like moving too slow. So she honked at me and then looked at me, was like. Started yelling and I was like, you. And then I was like, bye. Like, bye, bye, bye. Like, whatever. And we got into this back and forth and she kept holding her horn down. So I did that face at her and she literally was like.

[Unknown]

Like, that's so.

[Drew]

And then she just backed up and dipped. Oh. She literally was like, it's okay because in her head, I'm straight as a bone. So it's not even like a threat.

[Kai]

She deserved it. But what is the problem with it? Like, what?

[Drew]

It's just nasty. Like, why is that the one that is so shocking?

[Kai]

Because I have a friend who works as a pilot and he had like a co pilot.

[Unknown]

Like.

[Kai]

Like, do that face at like, the people, like, doing that out front. Like, the traffic director got fired for doing that. And my friend was like. He was like. He was such a chill guy and I don't know where the it came from. And it was so nasty. Like, it really scared me. And he lost his job.

[Drew]

It is. It is really crazy. Like, I think it's.

[Kai]

I think it's hilarious.

[Drew]

When I did it, I felt insane.

[Kai]

And, like, it was really like, can you do it? But, like, hide it?

[Drew]

No.

[Kai]

Just please. No, I need to see.

[Drew]

Unlike you. Like, it's funny to you because you're not about it. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's not. If I did. If I did that even on camera.

[Kai]

Even, like, I munchbox. I munchbox. Hello. Yeah, I'm obsessed with Margaret Qualley.

[Drew]

What the hell does that have to do with it.

[Kai]

I love married.

[Drew]

She's a married woman.

[Kai]

Yeah, to a fucking freak bitch that I can overpower.

[Unknown]

Oh.

[Drew]

Oh, well, you heard it here first.

[Kai]

Margaret, period. Come here, queen. Come, queen. Out with me, Margaret. Also, her name being Margaret.

[Drew]

I always pronounced it Margot Qualley by accident.

[Kai]

Margot quality.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Margot Qualley and Margaret Robbie.

[Drew]

What's her name?

[Kai]

Margaret Qualley.

[Drew]

Yeah. Margot Qualley.

[Kai]

Yeah, I know. That's what I was just repeating.

[Drew]

I was like. Wait, so I have been saying it, right?

[Kai]

Margaret Robbie.

[Drew]

Margaret Robbie. Is that her new name?

[Kai]

Margot Robbie.

[Drew]

Okay, please stop.

[Kai]

What? I thought that was, like, easy to puzzle together.

[Drew]

Wait, like, who is that? Is that the Barbie girl?

[Kai]

Yes.

[Drew]

Okay, well, too many people have, like, similar names and, like, I don't know, like, in my head, I don't know the difference between, like, I just found out the difference between Martin Shore and Steve Martin.

[Kai]

I don't know.

[Drew]

Are those two different people?

[Unknown]

Steve Martin. Steve Martin's like the guy with the, like, white hair.

[Drew]

Yeah. Who's. Who was the dad in all the movies. And then Martin Short is just that little guy.

[Unknown]

That's just a different. A different guy.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

His last name being short and he being little. Oh, that's cute.

[Drew]

I feel like it was probably chosen. His name was probably, like, Martin Smith or some normal shit. And you're not allowed to have the same name as other people in Hollywood for some reason.

[Kai]

Will Smith. Oh, my God, y'all. Did y'all see.

[Drew]

No.

[Kai]

Will Smith got slapped by Chris Rock or Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith this weekend at the Oscars.

[Unknown]

Really?

[Kai]

Yes.

[Unknown]

Well, let me look.

[Drew]

No, it's. It hasn't happened. It's going to happen.

[Unknown]

It's gonna happen. How do you know it's gonna happen? That just doesn't seem like a. Like, that would be so crazy.

[Drew]

It's gonna happen.

[Kai]

Chris Rock got slapped that. Oh, also, this is actually crazy.

[Drew]

Did you know Taylor Swift was dating that one football player who she's dating a football player?

[Kai]

Really?

[Drew]

She's seriously dating a football player?

[Kai]

Actually, yeah.

[Drew]

I don't. Kelsey isn't his first. Travis. Travis. Kelsey. Travis.

[Kai]

Oh, his brother is fine. I want him so bad. He's like my fine. Yeah, I want him so bad. I want him and David harbor to Eiffel Tower me. But this is what I was gonna say the real. I actually cannot believe this, but a new take dropped that makes you allergic to meat if you buy. If it bites.

[Drew]

Okay, we need to end this episode for real, and you need it because you. You're sitting here talking about wanting to be Eiffel Tower. I can't believe you just said that. I wasn't. I can't believe you said that. On national.

[Kai]

Look, I have. I have AI pictures.

[Drew]

This is low key. Just national news for bored people. Like, this is national news.

[Kai]

Hold on. I got AI pictures of Travis Kelsey and Travis Kelsey and David Harbor. Sweaty.

[Drew]

Just sweaty.

[Kai]

Yes.

[Drew]

I'm sorry, guys, I have to do.

[Kai]

I have this picture?

[Drew]

Who is that?

[Unknown]

That's not real.

[Kai]

No, this is real.

[Unknown]

That looks like it was AI generated by you to create an image ideal for you. Yeah, that's like you uploaded.

[Drew]

Okay, that I don't get. Oh, that's like how the strong guy in Popeye the cartoon was like, drawn. That's what your ideal build is.

[Unknown]

Let me see.

[Kai]

This isn't the AI one. This is just my roster. Hold on. Wait, I have to find the AI one. It's somewhere.

[Drew]

You're so annoying.

[Unknown]

Whoa. That's pretty crazy. Oh, it's the cop from Stranger Things.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Oh, I was trying to. I was trying to picture who that was.

[Drew]

Well, I guess that's been the episode, guys.

[Kai]

Quick little 45 minute episode for y'all.

[Drew]

Listen, times are looking dark, but together we make light.

[Kai]

Yes, times are looking scary, but together we make.

[Drew]

Happy.

[Kai]

Hairy bush.

[Drew]

Together we made bush. All right, well, thank you guys for watching, but here's my media. How about.

[Kai]

Oh, Andrew Saya.

[Drew]

I've been watching Succession. I'm halfway through season two. I just picked it up again last night after the chaos that was the past two weeks. And I'm loving it. I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it.

[Kai]

Tick tock is vape. Instagram reels is cigarettes, y'all. The. The 30 minutes I had to use Instagram reels was the worst, literally the worst time of my life, personally.

[Drew]

I was off my phone and I felt free in that moment. I was free.

[Kai]

Also, the voodoo company I ordered my voodoo doll or my voodoo candles from went out of business and they were in business for like 300 years. Oh, that's on dark sided.

[Drew]

Mine is elevator Spaghetti by Georgiana. It is what it is by blood orange. Father figure George Michael. Heartbreaker Mariah Carey Walketh in line. Fleetwood Mac, I think. Feel for you. Acoustic demo. Prince.

[Unknown]

I live for you.

[Kai]

I love for you, Elizabeth. Oh, wow. So that thing got uploaded to Twitter and someone said, why does he move so gay? Right? I don't get the context. Can anyone give me the context on a plane, you dickhead.

[Drew]

That's hella funny.

[Kai]

Dudes talking about uneven eyebrows. Like their balls don't look like this little o. Big O.

[Drew]

The infinity symbol.

[Kai]

The. Or like the little one, cuz. Oh, the right ball is always shorter.

[Drew]

H. Just disgusting, bro.

[Kai]

USA More like usb. Okay, boy, turn that claro off and grab you a beer.

[Drew]

So real.

[Kai]

You would hang out with a squirrel if it had a cart. And listen to Blade.

[Drew]

Honestly, I would vibe down with that.

[Kai]

I would hang out with the squirrel. They should make a soup that fixes everything.

[Drew]

Also, I should clarify, I would vibe with that squirrel if he had the cart. We'd have to. I'd have to sneakily change the music. I can't lie, because that kind of is going to make me see a scary person in the corner.

[Kai]

Oh, this is tea music.

[Drew]

Sounds like me and my homegirls getting high. And it's like, yeah, I see that person in the corner too. Girl, don't be too scared.

[Kai]

Like, Lake submitted one. We need letterbox for Drew Phillips's YouTube videos so I can write reviews and rate them. That's true. We do need that someone make that app.

[Unknown]

Letterbox for YouTube videos?

[Kai]

No, for Drew's YouTube video.

[Unknown]

Just for yours.

[Kai]

Just for mine, you can just like.

[Drew]

Make like a link tree and like a random.

[Kai]

Me finding out that instead of cool and mysterious, Me finding out that the vibe I gave off isn't cool and me finding out this is just writ wrote wrong.

[Drew]

Let me see.

[Kai]

Me finding out.

[Drew]

The one.

[Kai]

I'm the one.

[Drew]

One, one, one.

[Kai]

Who the is Coco? Oh, yeah, I didn't get to finish that, y'all. Coco is the new, like, right, right. Like, if someone does you dirty or like you genuinely don't know someone, just say, who the is Coco? Me finding out that instead of mysterious and cool, people think I'm autistic and lesbian.

[Drew]

Stupid.

[Kai]

That was from Lake Armstrong. One the one. One. One the. You mean you're twerking on the low? What the. You mean he's twerking on the low?

[Drew]

Oh, is that like, why wouldn't y'all break up with somebody? The weirdest comes out. Like, what do you mean he's twerking on the low?

[Kai]

Okay, let me do my media. I've been listening to Eric Azeroth. I really like the song Terraria. I've been listening to I Am a Monster, which is cool as Pervert by Ethel Kane. I don't know if y'all have listened yet, but it's so sick.

[Drew]

I need to listen.

[Kai]

It's so sick. And then silver by A.G. cook.

[Unknown]

My media. I was gonna say my me.

[Drew]

I always want to say some A. Don't shush me. Me. Okay. Go. Okay.

[Unknown]

The moldy peaches. Oh, it's good. And it makes me feel like everything's okay.

[Kai]

I would. I didn't do the same event.

[Drew]

Bye.