Honorable discharge

Summary

Emergency Intercom - Episode: "Honorable Discharge" Released on August 23, 2024 by iHeartPodcasts

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Overview

In the "Honorable Discharge" episode of Emergency Intercom, hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips delve into a variety of comedic yet relatable topics ranging from dental emergencies and personal insecurities to social media mishaps and childhood memories. The conversation is candid, humorous, and occasionally tinged with self-deprecation, offering listeners an engaging glimpse into the hosts' lives and thoughts.

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Dental Woes and Health Concerns

The episode kicks off with Drew sharing a recent dental scare that has left him anxious about his health and appearance.

• Drew: "I woke up last Wednesday with my wisdom teeth area fully inflamed and red, and it looked like it was about to pop. So I rushed to the dentist because Drew looked in my mouth and scared me... [01:05]"

Drew describes his visit to the dentist, where unsettling news about a potential cyst leads to a series of health-related anxieties, including concerns about infection proximity to the brain and the complications of wisdom teeth extraction.

• Drew: "Now I'm on antibiotics and my nerves are wrapped around my teeth, which is going to make it really harsh to take my wisdom teeth out." [01:59]

Kai humorously interjects with light-hearted comments, attempting to ease Drew's tension.

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Social Media and Privacy Concerns

The hosts transition into discussing the challenges of maintaining privacy and managing online identities, particularly focusing on a temporary shutdown of their Grindr account.

• Kai: "Grinder got hacked. [02:47]"

This incident sparks a conversation about the emotional impact of social media disruptions, with Kai likening the experience to severe personal traumas.

• Kai: "The hardest four hours of my life, let me tell you. [03:47]"

The dialogue highlights the dependency and emotional investment individuals have in their online personas and the platforms they use.

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Empathy and Interpersonal Relationships

A significant portion of the episode explores themes of empathy, particularly Kai's struggle with empathizing towards men, juxtaposed with Drew's evolving understanding and compassion for him.

• Drew: "I don't mean this on, like, a serious general note, but how do I describe this? Everybody knows that I am, like, a misandrist, but I do have empathy for men." [09:25]

Kai expands on this by humorously comparing his view of men to traffic cones—something he perceives as obstacles rather than individuals.

• Kai: "It's like how I view men is like the baby on board sticker... I'm gonna speed around you like, I don't give a." [12:09]

This segment delves into the complexities of gender perceptions and the challenges of personal biases in forming meaningful relationships.

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Childhood Memories and Personal Anecdotes

The hosts reminisce about their childhood experiences, sharing amusing and sometimes awkward stories that shaped their personalities.

• Drew: "I was like, sitting in the bathroom and... someone was... [38:07]"

• Kai: "I don't have, like, a movie like that as a kid... [36:00]"

These anecdotes not only serve as comedic relief but also provide insight into the hosts' formative years and how those experiences influence their current selves.

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Partying, Substance Use, and Consequences

A lighter yet candid discussion ensues about recent partying experiences, including excessive drinking and marijuana use, and the subsequent effects on their well-being.

• Kai: "I smoked kush. I literally got high, y' all. [20:57]"

• Drew: "I have to so bad. I'm about to myself, bruh. [23:35]"

The conversation touches on the balance between enjoying social activities and managing the repercussions of substance use, highlighting the hosts' attempts to navigate their lifestyles responsibly.

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Humor Around Personal Habits and Preferences

The hosts engage in playful banter about personal habits, such as vitamin intake and water consumption, infusing humor into everyday routines.

• Drew: "If you have to take a gummy. If you have to eat a gummy to digest your vitamins, I think you should have your license revoked. [28:11]"

• Kai: "All vitamins are snake oil anyways. [28:18]"

These exchanges showcase the hosts' ability to find humor in mundane aspects of life, making the conversation relatable and entertaining.

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Closing Remarks and Future Teases

As the episode nears its end, the hosts tease upcoming content and reflect on the chaotic yet entertaining nature of their discussions.

• Kai: "Big things are coming. Like, for real this time... [25:08]"

• Drew: "If you have to put flavor into your water... [29:05]"

The episode concludes with a mix of humor and anticipation, leaving listeners eager for future installments.

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Notable Quotes

1. Drew on Dental Anxiety:
   "If you get an infection, it's close to my brain and that I would possibly die." [01:05]

2. Kai on Viewing Men:
   "It's like how I view men is like the baby on board sticker... I could run that over and, like, a traffic cone isn't gonna stop me." [12:09]

3. Drew on Empathy:
   "I genuinely, like, it doesn't penetrate me." [09:25]

4. Kai on Substance Use:
   "I smoked kush. I literally got high, y' all." [20:57]

5. Drew on Vitamins:
   "If you have to take a gummy to digest your vitamins, I think you should have your license revoked." [28:11]

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Conclusion

"Honorable Discharge" offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and candid discussions that resonate with listeners navigating similar life challenges and quirks. Enya and Drew's dynamic interplay ensures an engaging listening experience, making complex and often mundane topics both entertaining and thought-provoking.

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Disclaimer: The above summary is based on a fictional transcript provided by the user and does not reflect actual content from the Emergency Intercom podcast.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Drew]

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, guys.

[Kai]

Hey. Hey, how y' all doing? Hey, how y' all doing?

[Drew]

I just want to let everybody know that I'm really brave right now because it happened after the last episode, right? My tooth.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I woke up last Wednesday with my wisdom teeth area fully inflamed and red, and it looked like it was about to pop. So I rushed to the dentist because Drew looked in my mouth and scared me and told me that if I got an infection, it's close to my brain and that I would possibly die. And then he told me that I could have a cyst.

[Kai]

True.

[Drew]

And he went on this whole tangent. Usually I don't care about the doctors. I'm like, I'm not going to. But that scared me so bad that I rushed to the dentist. And then they were hella nonchalant. They were like, yeah, you don't have to get your teeth out, but you should definitely go get a scan and, like, you don't have to get it out, but this is going to bother you probably for the rest of your life. Which is the worst advice I've ever fucking heard. To be like, no, you don't have to fix this, but it will destroy your life from here on out. And now I'm on antibiotics and my. I got a CT scan, and my nerves are wrapped around my teeth, which is going to make it really harsh to take my wisdom teeth out.

[Kai]

So you're gonna get your wisdom teeth out, and half of your face is gonna go numb forever.

[Drew]

Yeah. And now I'm terrified, and I haven't called the doctor again, but I have to, because now I'm somebody who grinds my teeth in my sleep. And because of that, I've been grinding my teeth, and now as I'm talking, all of my gums on the right side of my face are so swollen that every word I'm chomping on the tissue in my mouth, and it hurts really bad. But we'll see when I. If I do something about it. My only Thing is, like, you guys, like. Like to look at me every episode and, like, I don't think I can show a face if I'm all, like, scary from my wisdom teeth. And I will say I am wearing the worst fit ever, because I want to start prepping you guys for when I look bad, when I get my wisdom teeth out. Are you crying?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Are you scared for me? No.

[Kai]

Grinder got hacked.

[Drew]

True. Wait, are you actually crying? Why? Is it a big deal? You. You said you don't use that anymore.

[Kai]

It's like.

[Drew]

Drew, wait. Why are you crying? I didn't. I thought you told me you deleted that.

[Kai]

I did, but it's just such, like, a. Like, a big.

[Drew]

You were actually eating. You were such a.

[Unknown]

That looked really good.

[Kai]

It was such a big part of.

[Drew]

My life and for so long. So now it's just, like, the memories.

[Kai]

Yeah. Wait. I'm okay. I'm okay. But I got hacked, and it was shut down for, like, four hours or something like that, and Four hours. I thought it was hard. It was the hardest four hours of my life, let me tell you. I really thought. I really thought it was over for good.

[Drew]

But it's okay. So it's back. But it's still, like. Yeah, part of it being gone brings you to Cheers like that.

[Kai]

Yeah, no, it's back. It was just, like, giving, like, those four hours were, like, harder than what I'd imagine. Like, the Marines feel like I. I basically, like, went to war with my soul.

[Unknown]

Yeah. Or like, being pregnant and giving birth. Probably similar.

[Kai]

Yeah. Oh, easily. Or, like, going through, like, a period cramp.

[Drew]

You think the pain you felt when Grindr crash is the equivalent to one single period cramp?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Not cramps. One cramp.

[Kai]

Yeah. One stinking cramp, plural.

[Drew]

I. Guys, I'm gonna start claiming. What is that thing? Pcos.

[Kai]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Drew]

Do you know they have to go inside of you and do a surgery to see if you have that? So most.

[Kai]

Wait, they go inside you? I want to get that PCSO surgery.

[Drew]

You could just get on Grindr and find someone to go inside you.

[Kai]

That's a church at Bib. You're. I don't know what you're referencing.

[Drew]

Well, yeah, I had a dream that I can't talk about last night, but it was very eerie. But I think I had that dream because I'm watching Girls. I started Girls, like, two years ago, never finished it. And I finally got to season two. I never even finished season one when I first watched it, but I got to the part where spoiler Alert. Lena Dunham's character calls the police on Adam Driver's character. And I think that's why I had that dream, because when she was in the house and she was like, get out, get out, get out, get out. I. That was the last thing I watched before I went to bed.

[Kai]

I thought I watched like three or four seasons of that show. But like, literally from last night's episode, which was like the first episode of season one, I actually like trauma blocked that whole show or that whole whole show or something. Whole. I keep saying whole. Like, I'm not thinking about whole. I don't want whole right now. I don't want to give my hold of someone. Like, I just. It's like, it's just. It's not a Freudian slip. So they shut up. But I was going to say, I don't remember any of that fudgeing show, bro. I don't remember any.

[Drew]

Well, that's. I feel like.

[Unknown]

Did you see we got tagged in the girls comparison?

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

And so far I haven't.

[Kai]

I have.

[Drew]

I'm.

[Kai]

Was it on?

[Drew]

Like, I'm a bit offended.

[Kai]

Was it you being.

[Drew]

Yeah, I'm.

[Unknown]

It's on TikTok.

[Kai]

I haven't been on TikTok.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, his app is working. So now what I do is I get really high and I go in his bed and I show him my phone. But my for you page sucks because it is the for you page of somebody who gets high every night and it is rancid. My for you page is like, no real humans anymore. It's literally like government made accounts of like making food. Like, I just filled the table.

[Kai]

Like, I want to see my comparison.

[Unknown]

You're Hannah Horvath.

[Kai]

No, I'm fucking not.

[Unknown]

Yeah, you're Hannah Horvath.

[Kai]

Wait, that's Lena Dunham.

[Unknown]

That's Lena Dunham. Think about it personality wise, because you're always saying some shit of like, oh, let the love in. And you'll be like, oh, I ate that. And you very much.

[Drew]

I guess. Yeah, you do. You give that mainly on the podcast, though. So it does make sense for people to say that because on the podcast when we're talking, you're like, I actually think women deserve to be.

[Unknown]

Because one of. One of Hannah's archetypal quotes is, I think I made the voice of a generation.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah. The first episode.

[Unknown]

Or at least a voice of a generation. And that is some shit that you would fucking say.

[Drew]

Yeah, that's you every episode being like.

[Kai]

But it's a bit. I need to make that clear. It's a fucking bit.

[Unknown]

No. Nothing on this podcast has ever been.

[Drew]

We don't joke here. We don't joke.

[Kai]

We don't ever joke around. We don't play.

[Drew]

You don't play. We get our.

[Kai]

We don't.

[Unknown]

And you got Marnie.

[Kai]

Which one's mine?

[Drew]

I'm, like, offended by. But I do see.

[Kai]

Let me see Marnie.

[Drew]

Like, which is up also.

[Unknown]

I think it's like, you know, character.

[Drew]

Wise, I. I'm offended, but I understand why people would think that. But you know what's crazy is when I watch that show, I fear I am Hannah because, like, Hannah is so insecure that she makes everything about her. Even when she fucks up, she's like, oh, what did I do? And I fear that's the only times that I am, like, where I'm like, oh, my God, that's so annoying. Because I'm the kind of bitch who does something and then I say sorry 18 times and somehow, oh, now we're talking about me. Oh, I should go to fucking jail. Somebody stole me to death. I.

[Kai]

Wait, Kai, did they make you Adam Driver's leg cast?

[Unknown]

No, human. They did not make me the piss buck.

[Kai]

Or what about the crusties that beat up the babysitter?

[Unknown]

No, no, I got Shoshana and Elijah.

[Kai]

Let me see.

[Drew]

Elijah is the annoying boyfriend, right?

[Unknown]

Again, it's more about character.

[Kai]

And the gay one.

[Drew]

Oh, the gay one.

[Kai]

Yeah, the gay one. Track.

[Unknown]

The gay ex boyfriend.

[Kai]

Yeah, the gay one is, like, very.

[Unknown]

Shana also makes sense because she's so innocent, and I'm very innocent and I don't know anything, and I'm very delicate, so.

[Kai]

That's true. That tracks.

[Drew]

Or you're, like, weird.

[Kai]

I was, like, actually randomly dainty. He's like a little, like, frag porcelain doll.

[Drew]

I mean, when you're four foot three, you might as well be dangerous.

[Unknown]

Not four foot three. I actually just hit six three yesterday. Elijah is very interesting.

[Drew]

Thinks at 30 he still grows.

[Unknown]

Dude, there's a second wave of puberty.

[Kai]

I actually believe that. I think there are three puberties. I don't think, like, growth wise, but, like, there are three puberties in a man's life. Do you want me to get into them?

[Drew]

I know. I don't think there's anything that dramatic about a man's life. I'm not kidding. You know what I was thinking? We were talking about this the other day because Drew was, when are we just going to see each other naked? And I was like, dude, I literally can't see you naked because I have.

[Kai]

Such a. I'm just so sexy, and I have, like, a perfect body. It would be hard to keep you off of me. I don't want that for myself because you'd just be all over my naked.

[Drew]

Hella times. But you. I will never see you naked. I don't want to. And you know what it is? And this is, like, going to sound crazy, but, like, actually, I don't even know if I can say this, but I don't mean this on, like, a serious general note, but how do I describe this? Everybody knows that I am, like, a misandrist, but I do have empathy for men. Like, for men, I can't have empathy. But there are certain lines that I can't cross. Like, and I know it's a problem. I actually don't take pride in it. It's a very big problem in my life. But, like, when men around me are sick, I really don't believe it. I'm like, Like. Like, I just don't believe it. Like, I'm sorry. I. I literally don't. And, like, it's not me trying to be funny or mean, and I'm not trying to be crass, but I genuinely. Like, it doesn't penetrate me. Like, if a woman tells me she's feeling sick, I'm like, oh, my God, do you need Tylenol? Like, I'm going to postmate you something, whatever. Like, what do you need? And when a man tells me sick, I'm like, okay, I bet if I'm in your body right now, like, you're not even sick. Like, you're literally, like, you have no. You have no idea what.

[Unknown]

Well, have you seen when they put the fucking things on your. Like, like, men's, like, abdominal muscles, and they simulate a period.

[Kai]

Oh. And like, the childbirth shit.

[Unknown]

Yeah. And then they do it on a woman. They're like, yeah, this is what it feels like. And they put it on a man, and he's, like, screaming and crying.

[Drew]

You know what it is? Now that I think about it, I think I have that mindset because men so, like, belittle women's pain. So I'm like, okay. Oh, Mr. Big and Strong. Oh. Now all of a sudden, oh, your throat hurts. You can't talk. Like, girl, I suck my ball.

[Kai]

We're out, like, building houses, and we have, like, really rough hands.

[Drew]

You just started the episode by crying because Grindr was down for four hours.

[Kai]

No, no, no. It's just. We're in the heat all day. It's so hot that I have to pour water in my helmet to keep me cold.

[Drew]

See, actually, that's my dad. For my dad, I feel empathy for. Cause I'm like, aw, you've been, like, laboriously working forever with the men in my life. I'm like, girl, come on. Literally, get kick rocks. But with you, I have surpassed that with, like, partially. I'm like, you are a hypochondriac, so I have to, like, really suss it out. And I'm like. I'm like, I have to ignore him. I have to play this whole psychological game with Drew when he's sick. But with you, I, like, don't see you as a man. Like, you are so much more than, like, a random man in my life. You were, like, a person. So that's why I'm like. That's also why I'm always like, no, Drew's one of my girls. Like, because I don't, like, put you in that box because I don't care for men.

[Kai]

Kai, on the other.

[Drew]

So I can't see you naked.

[Kai]

Kai, on the other hand, is on the outs.

[Unknown]

What?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

No, I think I like. As I've grown closer to Kai, I've empathized with him more. There was definitely the first three years I was like, girl, like, literally. What?

[Unknown]

Yeah, just. Oh, just kill yourself.

[Drew]

Just like, you're sad. But now I see you as a person.

[Unknown]

Thank you.

[Drew]

So it's kind of like the way men see women as sex objects, except I see men as, like, like, traffic cones where I'm like, that's pointless. I could run that over and, like, a traffic cone isn't gonna stop me.

[Unknown]

No, that makes sense.

[Kai]

Wow. It's like how I view men is like the baby on board sticker in the. On the back of some mom's van's car. I'm gonna text and drive behind you anyways. I'm gonna speed around you like, I don't give a.

[Drew]

No. It's only like, oh, okay.

[Kai]

Like, that's not stopping me. I can't even read that on text.

[Unknown]

Now that you have empathy for me, you can be happy for my. I got this huge modeling deal with a huge fucking company. You may actually. Yes. I'm going to show you this photo, and you're going to be blown away.

[Kai]

And it finally emailed that shit to me, too, bro.

[Unknown]

To all the restaurants.

[Kai]

It's all over. It's all over the place.

[Drew]

Literally, how you look like in my dreams. Like, that. I love saying that about people. Like, when people look that identical to you, but so different. That is genuinely how my brain imagines them.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

So I'm rich now because that's on every meal plate.

[Kai]

How much?

[Unknown]

Like three grand. Yeah, three grand. That is like, before cut.

[Drew]

Oh, we could lower his pay now, then.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Kai]

Since you're getting paid for modeling now.

[Drew]

Yes, we pay. You like modeling McDonald's.

[Kai]

You got $3,000.

[Drew]

Also, guys, we pay Kai. We give him a good 200amonth.

[Kai]

But that's before cuts.

[Drew]

Before. I mean, yeah, after tax and everything, you're walking away with 50 bucks.

[Kai]

Well, I take 50 of guys pay.

[Drew]

We become Kai's managers, and we're like, we need 30.

[Unknown]

That's what you do. Well, it's cool because you'll be like, oh, here's your check, Kai. And then Drew does this thing where he says, but Daddy gets his 90, and then 90.

[Drew]

You know what's crazy?

[Kai]

When I wouldn't have started for you, I invest you wing.

[Drew]

You winked. When I first started doing YouTube, I actually signed a deal that was that bad. Remember Collab?

[Kai]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Drew]

There was this company that was so predatory to influencers, and they would take, like, not 90, but it was like they would split it 70, 30. Yeah, so you would get 30 and they would take 70. And it was on every end.

[Kai]

And it wasn't just in you. Like, if you started on the Internet and you got like, a little. Yeah, on Vine. Like, they went after every fucking person on there, and all of us were, like, fucking 13, 14 years old. And we were like, oh, my God, an agency wants to sign us. Like, that's crazy.

[Drew]

I want to see if I have my emails to them. I was crazy. The motherfucker who ran my account, his name was Patrick, and I was a fucking demon to him. I was literally fucking insane. I was horrible because I start. We all started talking about it, and then we were like, wait, that is bad. That bad.

[Kai]

Like, it's crazy how predacious, like, entertainment industries are on literal fucking children. Because, like, not only was it, like, collab and all that shit, it was like, press play. Like, all. Everything we did that we thought was cool, that they, like, dangled in front of our fucking faces like a carrot. Like, to get a horse to walk or whatever the fuck. The horses like carrots. Is that like a trope?

[Drew]

They. I think they like apples.

[Unknown]

Carrot on a stick. Right? That's like.

[Kai]

Is that a horse thing?

[Unknown]

I think so, Yeah. I think horses eat carrots.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Okay, well, yeah, Kai eats carrots.

[Unknown]

What?

[Drew]

Because you have cubed teeth and a long.

[Unknown]

And a long face too. And. Oh, but I do have very low body fat and muscles.

[Kai]

Yeah. And he's like a racehorse.

[Drew]

And you have bunions.

[Kai]

Now listen to this. His seed is very strong. People pay for it. Never mind. I'm not even gonna get into.

[Drew]

I'm start breeding horses. Can you make money? Like, good money?

[Kai]

Oh, make millions and millions.

[Drew]

Oh, I'm reading. Starting a horse farm. Have you seen, like, ordering a horse.

[Kai]

Stable off Teemu, dude, the horses, like, you have to, like, jerk them off and though together. Come on like that. You have to, like, make up, like a homemade pocket. Kai, did you ever do.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Did you make the homemade P word?

[Unknown]

No, I never did. I never ever did.

[Kai]

I did.

[Unknown]

With what?

[Kai]

Two sponges that I soaked in water and I put them in the microwave. And then I got a glove, like a latex glove, and I put the two sponges inside of a cup, put the latex glove around it, and then put a rubber band on the, like, latex glove. And I made a pocket P word when I was like, no, you made.

[Drew]

A pocket B word.

[Kai]

Yeah. And then I also microwaved.

[Drew]

You ignored that.

[Kai]

I didn't even hear what you said. But I also microwaved a banana peel and use that as well.

[Unknown]

No.

[Kai]

Swear to God.

[Drew]

Ew, Drew, are you leaving that in the episode? That's insane.

[Kai]

I was nine.

[Drew]

That's crazy.

[Kai]

Bitch.

[Drew]

I was horny. I guess when I was nine, I was watching Titanic and literally, like, I'm not going to say it because there's perverts, but, like, I was. I was like, titanic is lit. And there was a movie. There was that Disney movie that, like, weirdly felt sexual to me. The story. The Jungle Book movie. The second one. There's this scene with the snake that feels so, like, predacious, and it made me feel so weird as a kid. But trust and believe that VHS tape.

[Kai]

Was turned it up.

[Drew]

I was like, rewinding the out of it. I was like, I need to go back. I missed something. I missed something. I missed something.

[Kai]

I didn't have, like, a movie like that as a kid. Like, I guess, like, I didn't have, like, a movie that I rewatched over and over again, but my dad did. And I watched Talladega Nights, Joe Dirt, Rocky Horror Picture show, and Step. No, no, not stepbrothers. The one.

[Drew]

Is it Step Brothers with John C. Reilly.

[Kai]

And it has John C. Reilly. And it's not Step Brothers, it's Walk the Line, which is actually really funny. And the scene of the dude, the brother getting cut in half in the barn is literally seared into my like 8 year old brain forever. Like that fried me. But those were on the TV at all moments of the day.

[Drew]

Wait, you didn't have like a movie you rewatched a lot?

[Kai]

No, cause my dad ball hogged the tv.

[Drew]

I had so many that I would rewatch all the fucking time. What's like. Oh, another movie that made me like weirdly horny was. Fuck, it's the one. It's like the Atlantis movie with the two like the blonde guy and the guy with black hair. There's like the mermaid siren scene where like all the mermaids are jumping on and like seducing the pirates. Yes, that, that scene. I was like, oh my God, the sexy mermaids are coming up. Like, guys, guys, guys.

[Kai]

I guess the sandlot, I liked the sandlot.

[Drew]

Oh, I re watched that a lot, but that was just like for funsies.

[Kai]

Yeah, I swam in a pool all day and then made a pallet with all of my baseball friends and put sandlot on on the TV upstairs and felt we all fell asleep in our wet bathing suits and woke up the next day with like rashes all over our legs.

[Drew]

That's so.

[Kai]

Again, we were six, seven. So like, suck my balls. It's just part of life, you know, Just getting fungal infections.

[Unknown]

You got a male yeast infection?

[Kai]

Yeah, I. Guys, I don't think I was celebrated enough for this. There were two things that happened, but on Friday, three things. On Friday I not only went out and went to a party, which was the most fun I've had in LA in like three or four years. I not only got blackout drunk for the first time.

[Unknown]

You got blackout drunk?

[Kai]

Not blackout, not blackout. But I got. I drank like a whole red solo cup of tequila to myself. Like I was just sipping because I.

[Unknown]

Was gonna say I feel like I only saw you have like two drinks.

[Kai]

No, I wild it out. We had like three before. Yeah, we were drinking before and then.

[Unknown]

That was so fun. Fun.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Being in the corner tickling each other and like.

[Kai]

Yeah. And then like there was the dark sided evil version of Josiah there. And me and Kai watched him make out with someone and like get pictures taken of him. And me and Kai were crying, laughing at just imagining it being joke. Yeah. Also two guys kissing is like hilarious. Like, I'm sorry, I don't give a. When I see two dudes kiss, like it makes me laugh, but dude, it makes me laugh like the best Part.

[Unknown]

Of that story is us. Like, it's like these two, like, very beautiful men, like, making out. And then we walk up and we're like, tyrell, take a photo of us. And Tyrell just, like, looks at us and, like, looks at us up and down, then walks away.

[Kai]

Literally dubbed us. Crazy. I wanted to get in the picture with the Josiah clone. Like, I wanted to get a picture.

[Drew]

You just wanted a picture with a doppelganger?

[Kai]

Yeah, literally. But I not only went to a party, I not only drank, I smoked weed.

[Drew]

That's the craziest part.

[Kai]

I smoked kush. I literally got high, y' all. And I liked it. I love it. I had fun. I'll never do it again because the Uber ride home alone was really scary. It was really scary. Like, I. I was like, oh, I didn't even get that drunk tonight. Like, period. Like, I kind of ate. Like, I had fun. I got, like, enough drinking me that I was, like, loose and having a good time. Gotten that goddamn uber UVU driver, bitch. I was spinning. I was, like, fighting back, vomiting. I was, like, doing that thing where you're like, oh. And I was like. My eyes were, like, rolling in the back of my head, and I was like, bitch, am I, like, OD knowing.

[Unknown]

That you were high in this picture?

[Kai]

I was high as fuck. I was turned.

[Drew]

I was so mad that because I had makeup on, mine just kept looking like me with makeup on, with bruh.

[Kai]

Well, that's not a filter. That's literally what I look like without Shaved your head. No, that's.

[Drew]

You took your wig off, and I was like, you haven't been that fucked up in a long time.

[Kai]

My stupid fucking wig, bro. Pull it off my hair.

[Drew]

Well, at that party, I had so much fun, but by the end of it, I also got, like, way too high where everyone I was talking to, I was like, you're.

[Kai]

Yet again, I didn't get the praise I deserved for smoking weed. Guys, sound off.

[Drew]

I wish. I wish you would smoke with me. Like, I can't even be happy.

[Kai]

I actually want to now. I've always wanted to get, like, a big, fat, stinky blunt and, like, smoke it out front like one of those, like, big ass, like, round ones. Because I all. Or I also want to roll my own blunt.

[Drew]

I haven't rolled a blunt since, like, I lived in Miami.

[Kai]

Yeah, like a stinky, big blend.

[Drew]

I like. The thing is, is we would even be able to do that because I am, like, so. It's crazy. People are always like, stop talking about being high. But like, y' all don't understand. Y' all got to fry your brains. Brains. When you were teenagers, I waited until my frontal lobe developed and then I got really scared of that frontal lobe. So now I smoke to avoid it.

[Kai]

I do think I woke up dormant psychosis, like late night. Like, I think I did a little bit because like the past couple I probably just hung over. But the past couple days I've been like fucking crazy. Like, crazy.

[Drew]

I literally think it's from alcohol. Like, I do not drink anymore. Like that because of the fact that it makes me so depressed.

[Kai]

Like it does something so depress more like soda stream. Okay. I literally ate like hydraulic press of soda. Like, why don't you just get a soda stream and. Yeah, please come back. Please spin back. Don't hit me.

[Drew]

Dude. I have to so bad. So I actually am gonna have to dip for like five minutes. I'm not even kidding. I'm about to myself, bruh. My antibiotics have been really up my stomach. And like, we have to bleep this because it is actually so gross. I thought I got my peer three days ago. I pure blood.

[Kai]

Why do we have to bleep that?

[Drew]

Because it is like so gross. But actually it's not gross. Y' all should be worried for me.

[Kai]

And I just talked about a banana, yo.

[Drew]

Like, but like, no, it was so bad that I was live texting Rain because were texting while I was on the toy. I was like, oh my God, by the way, I just got my period. Cuz we were going to go to the pool that day and I was like, I just got my period. That's so annoying. And then I picked her up and I was like, also, I need to update you. Not that you would care. I don't have my period. I pure blood. And then she was like, you need to go to the doctor. I was like, oh my God. Everybody always says that to me.

[Kai]

Literally go queen.

[Drew]

But I think my antibiotics. I know, I know. But I don't have dental insurance, so my teeth are going to cost a lot, which is like not.

[Kai]

I don't either.

[Drew]

Yeah, not chill.

[Kai]

I paid I think four or five thousand dollars to get my teeth fixed like two years ago. And that was. But that was like six years between not going.

[Drew]

I'm just not gonna pay. I still have a lot of medical bills. I haven't paid. Like you're not gonna get me.

[Unknown]

I mean, you don't have dental pay medical bills.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

And you don't have to pay taxes. I just figured that out oh, yeah.

[Kai]

You do have to pay taxes. Wait, actually, I'm gonna call the irs. Like, I'm gonna get that discount, right? You get it. You get a percentage of how much money.

[Unknown]

Why would you snitch on me? That's not cool.

[Kai]

Because snitches get stitches.

[Unknown]

Well, you're getting kisses, period. Later.

[Kai]

Okay, before you go to the restroom, I wanted to say big things are coming. Like, for real this time. Like, I know I was predicting earthquakes for, like, a while, and I was right every single time. But, y' all, a big thing is coming. I don't know what it is. Like, bitch, it might be fudgeing monkeypox for all I know, but intuitively, like, something big is going to.

[Unknown]

Didn't that already come? Monkeypox came.

[Kai]

No, I mean, like, Destroy the World 2.0. Like, covert.

[Drew]

Do you see that girl on TikTok who was saying that she got chickenpox? And she was like, well, if you get the vaccine for chickenpox, you get it, so you shouldn't get the vaccine. And people were like, girl, you were supposed to get that shit in school.

[Kai]

Yeah, like, when you were.

[Drew]

Yeah, because didn't they not let you go to school if you didn't have the chickenpox vaccine? I'm like, where did she go? Were you homeschooled? Also, homeschooling is so ridiculous. Like, can we bring back polio?

[Kai]

Low key polio.

[Drew]

What's polio?

[Kai]

I want to be inside of an iron lung. Wait, actually, I think existing inside of a hyperbolic barrack chamber would be, like, so lit. That would feel good on your bones.

[Drew]

Being in that chamber.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah. But, like, imagine your friends, like, oh, my God, we're going out tonight. They're not wheeling your cats.

[Kai]

You wouldn't. You wouldn't know my iron dome out to.

[Drew]

No. I was telling this to someone the other day because they were talking about how, like, their close friend is super hypochondriac and they live with them. And they were like, dude, sometimes it can be a lot. Because I'm just like, oh, my God, you were tweaking right now.

[Kai]

Like, you wouldn't wheel me to Chateau.

[Drew]

No, I would not wheel you anywhere. We've had this conversation. If I would get you a very nice caretaker.

[Kai]

I just.

[Drew]

I get you the Jack Donahue of caretakers.

[Unknown]

I would. I would wheel you around and I would let you cheat on me, and I wouldn't even be mad.

[Drew]

Kai would probably know.

[Kai]

Kai? What? Kai and Mason would take care of.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, because Mason is like, they have almost two.

[Kai]

Yeah. Mason, like, is too.

[Drew]

Mason needs to become, like, bitchy and, like, cunty and say no to people because he is, like, too fucking nice. But that's me. That's what people say about me, too.

[Kai]

Hey, India took her dookie break, and we're so back. We're back, and I'm better.

[Unknown]

Andrew ran in there to smell it after.

[Drew]

Dude. Kai went and used the other bathroom, and I thought he went in that bathroom. I was like, girl, he is brave as hell.

[Unknown]

No, I didn't. I actually went to the other one because I'm very empathetic, a gentleman, and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

[Kai]

I. No, I ran straight to the bathroom and, like, took a big.

[Unknown]

He also went and got Ziploc bags and, like, tried to, like.

[Kai]

Yeah. Selling them on ebay.

[Unknown]

They all. They had 700 labels on them already. It's very weird.

[Kai]

That's the start.

[Drew]

Thank you. Oh, my God.

[Kai]

The starting bid.

[Drew]

That's flattering.

[Kai]

I'll give you 5%.

[Drew]

5%? That's, like, 7 bucks.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Anyways, that's not 7 bucks. I know that. Guys, I'm not that dumb, but if you have to take a gummy. If you have to eat a gummy to digest your vitamins, I think you should have your license revoked. Like, if you only take your vitamins in gummy form, like, oh, what are you, five?

[Kai]

You need.

[Drew]

Oh, you need a little snack. You shouldn't be able to drive, because that's crazy to me.

[Kai]

All vitamins are snake oil anyways.

[Drew]

Yeah, and that's the thing is I'm like, I don't believe in that. Like, I don't believe in the gummy having, like, all the vitamins it says it has. Like, you're taking a gummy for vitamin C. I don't believe that. I literally just don't believe it.

[Kai]

Also, with that said, I believe in vitamins. I love vitamins, and I take vitamins all day, every goddamn day. But.

[Drew]

Kai's choking.

[Kai]

Keep coughing.

[Drew]

Kai, do you need water?

[Unknown]

I'm a human being. Sometimes I cough.

[Kai]

You're just interrupting our.

[Unknown]

I mean, I am gonna get some more water just to help with my coughing.

[Drew]

Oh, now you're pissing.

[Kai]

Now he's pissing in the floor. He's doing tricks with it.

[Drew]

Doesn't that water taste so good?

[Unknown]

It does taste good.

[Drew]

I will say. Me and Drew were talking about it, and I was like, I think. I mean, I drink electrolytes every day, so. Fine. But, like, it is lacking minerals, because I forgot somebody was talking about how, like, in Europe, it's not as commonplace to give people water at restaurants because the water is so dense in minerals that most people are just, like, hydrated as they should be. And our system is so fucked up. But then I think about. I'm like, europe is one of the oldest fucking countries on the planet. You think I trust those pipes, bitch? Fuck you. Give me a water.

[Unknown]

Does taste really?

[Kai]

Yeah, but it is mineral list, so it's, like, dehydrating you further and stripping all the minerals out of your body.

[Unknown]

But I take potassium and magnesium supplements, so I'm sure.

[Drew]

I've said this on my IG before, too, but I still believe it. If you have to put flavor into your water to drink water, I also think you should be put in a very special kind of prison, because what is wrong with you? What do you mean? You don't like the taste of water? A water freaks you out. Unless you're fudgeing allergic to it, I don't want to hear it. Like, you were fucking nasty. Something is wrong with you.

[Kai]

When everybody was, like, going out and buying, like, a literal medical necessity for people off that, like, selling it out because TikTok was like, look at the thick water. And people were literally, like, buying all of it up. So, like, people literally couldn't drink water because we were like, look at it so thick.

[Unknown]

Drew, I know you considered.

[Kai]

Oh, I was just saying I wanted it so bad because it looks so fun to play with.

[Drew]

There was another thing recently, I guess there's this, like. It's like a wound cleanser that people started buying to use it to wash their face because it gets rid of, like, all bacteria, and it's, like, apparently really good. And somebody was like, can y' all stop getting this? Because I actually need it. Because they have, like, an autoimmune disease that they get, like, a lot of wounds, so they have to constantly be cleaning. And there's people who have that autoimmune disease, and that's usually who buys it. And she was like, I've been to three CVS's and I can't buy this, so I'm gonna have eight infections. Can you guys please stop?

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

That happens all the.

[Kai]

Dude, I was. I literally bought every diaper off of the shelf of every Target.

[Drew]

Like, a trend on TikTok.

[Kai]

No, I just bought them because I wanted to see, like, baby suffer. So I just, like, bought all of the diapers, all of the formula, and I just poured it into, like, a big pile and set them on fire.

[Drew]

Could you survive off baby formula?

[Kai]

I think so, yeah.

[Drew]

Ugh. Baby food is disgusting. I saw, like, tinned meats, like, puree baby food. I was like, you were?

[Kai]

I bought one.

[Drew]

I can't believe you have to give that to babies, because babies need that. Huh.

[Kai]

I don't know what they needed.

[Drew]

Literally, cat food.

[Kai]

Yeah, I tried it, and it literally. It basically was, like, blended up vienna sausage and, like, lips and. And it smelt worse than aul's cat.

[Drew]

The thing is, if I went to a nice restaurant, they spread that on, like, a nice cracker and, like, displayed it nice, I'd be like, potted. Like, wow, this is. Is delicious.

[Kai]

I want a potted meat and mayo sandwich. Oh, we need to buy a kewpie mayo, because, like, I'm tired of not having it in the refrigerator to eat.

[Drew]

Oh. I'm gonna use this moment to call out rain. Rain got in my car the other day. She's like, can I. Do you mind if I eat in your car? I was like, no. Like, when I picked her up and she had the stinkiest sandwich ever. Granted, I couldn't smell it, but it was so funny because she was so insecure the whole time. She was eating it in my passenger seat, and she was like, I feel like you could smell. I was like, no, I can't smell it. And then she was like, oh, do you want to take a bite? And I was like, oh, what's in it? It was tuna, like, A3 milk, goat cheese, vinegar, balsamic vinegar, Something else that was like, really? Oh, garlic and pesto or something. It was like a stink bomb. And she put it in my face, and the stench that rose from it. I was like, you are diabolical for eating this. Rain, like, rain is so gorgeous. And maybe it's because she eats the stinkiest foods, but I thought I ate stinky foods. Rain makes herself, like, stink bombs for breakfast. Like, it's insane. And that's my call out terrain.

[Kai]

Well, I hear that. I don't know if this is true yet, but if it's true, I'm rioting. I'm like, January 6th, insurrection vibes all over again. Because, like, it's going way too far. They're threatening to make being straight illegal. Like, it's basically almost illegal to be straight now. Yeah, the Alphabet mafia.

[Drew]

Would that affect, though? Like, straight people.

[Kai]

Straight people, but not you.

[Drew]

You'd be fine.

[Kai]

No, they're making it illegal, bro, to be straight. Oh, also at the party, I don't know if I Told you this, but I went into the bathroom at one point, the most I've ever in my life, picked it up and smeared it all over the walls of the bathroom.

[Drew]

What it was.

[Kai]

That was me.

[Drew]

That was you?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

That was fucked up, dude.

[Kai]

I know. It was funny.

[Drew]

Oh, actually, at that same. At that same party, when I went to the bathroom, me and Sabrina were going into the bathroom, and there were these dudes by the bathroom. I was like. They were like, oh, are you going in the bathroom? I was like, yeah, I'm gonna. I have to pee. And then he was like, what? He was like, I. I was like, I think he was basically like, are you gonna use the bathroom or are you gonna do drugs? And I was like, oh, I'm gonna piss. And then he was like, oh, you guys are gonna kiss. Why don't you do it out here? And I was like, no, I'm gonna piss. And he was like, oh, okay, you can go first. And then him and his homies just stood outside waiting for the bathroom for their turn so they could go in there and do drugs.

[Kai]

Gentlemen.

[Drew]

I was cracking up because I was like, oh, wait, that's, like, actually so nice. Like, thank you so much.

[Kai]

Gentlemen.

[Drew]

Right?

[Kai]

Gentlemen and gentle ladies. Hello.

[Unknown]

I just feel like you glazed over the fact that he and.

[Drew]

Well, that's his. That's his, like, party trick.

[Kai]

Yeah, that's, like, not a party trick.

[Unknown]

That's disgusting.

[Kai]

I guarantee.

[Drew]

Why is that gross?

[Kai]

Somebody, the viewers and listeners, like, understanding get what I'm getting at. Like, it's. It's a very, like, normal thing to do.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's like in school when somebody would always poop on the grates?

[Kai]

Fucking balls of wet toilet paper smushed all over the walls. Like, that is so funny. Like, who was the first person that did that and was like, bruh, I.

[Drew]

Wonder if people still do that.

[Kai]

Oh, 100%, probably worse. Except maybe not, because they're smoking fucking dizzies in the bathroom now.

[Drew]

Yeah, now they have things to do in the bathroom. Before you would go in the bathroom, no phone. Because I feel like that's where it came from. Like, you can't. You weren't going to the bathroom in, like, middle school and getting on your phone and, like, doing stuff. You were getting in the bathroom and it was like, this is just my recluse. Like, I just wanted to get out of class, but I have nothing to do in here. It's like, okay, I should make a huge mess and destroy someone's day.

[Kai]

I think I, like, there are People watching that have kept that to themselves their whole life. And I just want to know, email me if you were the person that did that, because I want to be able to put a face to, like, the type of person, but because I feel like it's all walks of life. Like, I don't think it's like. Yeah, it's not.

[Drew]

You wouldn't be able to guess.

[Kai]

Yeah, exactly.

[Drew]

Like, because if I was guessing, I'd guess Kai did that, but I don't think when he was in school, they had developed.

[Kai]

Yeah. Or they didn't even have bathrooms yet.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

They were still shooting in, like, buckets.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like latrines and throwing out the window.

[Unknown]

Toilet paper. Dude. They definitely had toilet paper. It wasn't that much of a difference. There wasn't.

[Drew]

I guess. Yeah. In 1943, there was toilet paper.

[Unknown]

It wasn't in the 40s. It was not in the 40s. Okay. When I went to middle school, I'm just deflecting, but did you ever. Okay, this was, like, my first week. I was, like, the new kid at the middle school, but I had one friend that went there from, like, elementary school, and he was like, oh, we have to go to the bathroom. This is like, the first week. He's like, we have to go to the bathroom. Because some. Some people are spidering in the bathroom. And it's really fun to watch. So we went in and I get in there and, like, there's, like, a bunch of boys, like, cheering, and there's one at the top, and he, like, pulls his pants down, and he's, like, holding his arms and legs up, and he shits into the toilet from, like, the top of the stall. And it, like.

[Kai]

Is this real?

[Unknown]

This is real.

[Kai]

You saw this happen? Yeah, I've seen, like, infographics of this, like, troll, like, how to poop in the bathroom. Dude.

[Unknown]

Like, they. This was one of the most intense experiences of my life. Seeing someone shit from, like, the top of the.

[Kai]

That's really impressive.

[Drew]

That's insane.

[Unknown]

Yeah, it was crazy.

[Kai]

Did it make a big splash?

[Unknown]

He got in trouble. He got. What do you call it? Suspended.

[Kai]

He got suspended for that?

[Unknown]

Yeah. Well, because he would brag to everyone. He would call it spidering because you looked like a spider.

[Kai]

I think that's advanced.

[Drew]

I think he should get suspended for that. Calling other children in the bathroom to make you.

[Kai]

How old was he?

[Unknown]

I don't know if you would call him in. I think everyone would just hear that it's happening, and they would get excited.

[Kai]

And boys, they all went in on their own volition.

[Drew]

Boys.

[Unknown]

It was exciting, though. Like, it was pretty sick.

[Drew]

Well, in my middle school, everybody would slap box, so everybody would run into the boys bathroom to watch the boys, like, fight. So that was what we were doing. Oh, also, there was a girl who I was friends with who would always look over the stall and watch me pee. And like, I was like, oh, why are you doing that?

[Kai]

Have you kept up with her at all?

[Drew]

No, I'm not friends with that person anymore.

[Kai]

That's curious. Was it, like, creepy?

[Drew]

Yes, it was really creepy. She did it to all of our friends. We'd be like, that's like. I guess jail is you're going to prison. Well, that was like, elementary school.

[Kai]

Yeah, exactly. Fucking pervert. I think we should all put. Put all children in jail.

[Drew]

Well, me and Drew were talking about it, and I think we would have, like, good looking kids because we use Gracie Abrams as an example, like, her parents are giving us. So I think we would have, like, a Gracie Abrams kind of beautiful child. So that's something to consider.

[Unknown]

You guys would have attractive kids because they're both beautiful people.

[Drew]

So no. Sometimes I worry that, like, the ugly parts of us would shine through.

[Unknown]

On a baby, maybe on one of them, maybe I'm.

[Kai]

Ugly parts. You don't have ugly parts. We only have beautiful parts.

[Drew]

You backing away? You destroyed that? Yeah. Like, why did you rip that off of the stem?

[Unknown]

Those are also pretty hard, right?

[Drew]

I know.

[Unknown]

You just like.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Oh, my God, you ate that so fast. No wonder. Like, you can't. You have, like, rocks of taffy in your.

[Kai]

Yeah, I got good.

[Drew]

Also, Drew came back from Texas with, like, 30 of those lollipops, and I hadn't had a single one. And then yesterday or two days ago, I was like, oh, can I have one? And there was three left.

[Kai]

Oh, no, no, no. They're all inside my gym bag right now. Oh, I. I only brought like.

[Drew]

They're in your gym bag?

[Kai]

Yeah. I have a treat after the gym. I literally eat a piece of candy after the gym.

[Drew]

That's cute. That's sweet.

[Kai]

I deserved it. I earned it.

[Drew]

Well, I have wing stuff after the gym, so I undo any, like, thing I good I did for my body.

[Kai]

I stopped crying laughing, bruh. That's not crazy.

[Drew]

I mean, carrying them all in your bag.

[Unknown]

30 lollipops in your gym bag is very Willy Wonka.

[Kai]

My dirty, stinky, smelly boxers that I'm selling on only fans for $105. 5 isn't that much, But I Sell, like a pair a day. It's like a hundred bucks a day.

[Drew]

Damn, that's good. That's lucrative.

[Kai]

Yeah, it's pretty. Pretty crazy. But I have to wear them for a week at a time. So, like, the lead up to that dirty boxer era is, like, there's seven days of work, but I'm. I'm on a ten day advanced schedule.

[Drew]

Okay, that's what I was gonna say. As long as you always have one to sell every day.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Well, I saw somebody cleaning their kitchen on tick tock and they moved their oven and cleaned behind it. And you could never, never do that behind the oven. Why would you do that? Because, like, what stuff falls down there? Whatever falls back there is meant to be back there.

[Kai]

Under the refrigerator, under the oven, behind the oven, down the cracks of the oven. Doesn't matter.

[Drew]

Yeah. It doesn't exist anymore. Like, it literally. It doesn't count, and I'm not doing that. And, like, who was the first person who thought of doing that? Also, I am convinced that if I moved my oven, it would explode.

[Kai]

Yeah. Gas would leak.

[Drew]

Because there's something else I was doing yesterday that was like, dude, I always think this is gonna explode every time I touch it. Oh, the water heater. I didn't want to touch it because I thought it was gonna explode. The oven. Every time I light it, I think it's gonna explode. But no, there was something yesterday that.

[Kai]

Every time I do it, I like this oven.

[Drew]

This oven.

[Kai]

I am so scared of this oven, these burners, like, all of it. Like, I literally. It's dangerous. It's a danger to society. Oh, at the party, I did turn all the gas stoves on, and I left them burning. Not even burning, but I turned all the gas.

[Drew]

We were talking to Addison, and she bumped into the. Like, she literally almost set herself on fire. She bumped into the oven, and it, like, lit up a little bit. And then Drew was like, should we just turn on all the gas and leave? And we were all cracking. We were like, oh, my God, Yes. We love doing that. We should do that.

[Kai]

Let's do that. Oh, yeah. Addison's right.

[Drew]

I love you.

[Kai]

Yeah. That's like our best friend now.

[Drew]

And you're jealous.

[Unknown]

It's true. I saw it. You know, it was also cool at the party.

[Kai]

Listen to it.

[Unknown]

Me wearing a hat and everyone being like, that looks so good. I think that was cool.

[Drew]

You were wearing a hat.

[Kai]

I gave him my hat to put on. I put the headband on, and I gave Kai my hat.

[Drew]

Wait, you were wearing that hat.

[Unknown]

I was wearing the headband and the hat at different points in the night, and everyone was like, dude, you look amazing.

[Kai]

Well, I put Kai under the riz in the sauce.

[Drew]

I was wearing my tr. And everybody kept asking if it was my birthday, and it was humiliated.

[Kai]

Oh. And, yeah.

[Drew]

And I was like, it's not my birthday. It's just a vibe. And they were like, no, it's a good vibe.

[Kai]

And I was like, yeah, that's.

[Drew]

I'm so sorry.

[Unknown]

Very Marnie of you.

[Kai]

See, but you take risks, and that's what I love about you is it's not even risky in fashion. It's just risks in life. And, like, it's really risk.

[Unknown]

Can we just take a moment?

[Kai]

Sex with strangers.

[Unknown]

Can we just take a moment to celebrate Anya?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Can we have one every episode or for, like, five minutes, we just celebrate our queen. Go.

[Kai]

You made that really weird.

[Unknown]

And I did. Really?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Then never mind, because I thought it was.

[Kai]

And also, what about me?

[Drew]

No, dude, why does it have to be about you?

[Unknown]

Also, Yeah, I was trying to do something nice for Anya, and then you derailed it.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. I'm just being cornered. Oh, maybe Enya gets the appreciation segment and we get the yell at Drew and call him gay segment.

[Unknown]

Nobody said that.

[Kai]

You just said that.

[Unknown]

In fact, I run back the tape. You don't know? I might have after we were done with the Enya celebration segment, which you ruined, by the way. It's never gonna happen.

[Kai]

I was celebrating.

[Unknown]

You robbed her of that beautiful experience. Maybe I would have suggested we do it for you, but now we'll never know.

[Kai]

Okay, well, the last thing that I want to say before we go is Inya. We were literally just sitting, chilling, chatting. Like. I don't know why the she said this, but, like, at, like, it was, like, robotic. It just, like, was deep inside of her, and she needed to say it in that moment right then and there. Or, like, she would have rotted away and turned to dust. She just turns to me and she's like, next time we watch Challengers, I want to be masturbating.

[Unknown]

Huh? Wait, you said that?

[Drew]

I did not say she did.

[Unknown]

Next time we watched.

[Kai]

And yes, I wrote this note, and you said, next time we watch Challenger, she needs to be masturbating, question mark. And I'm just.

[Drew]

It was a question I was asking, like, oh, am I the only one who gets this vibe?

[Kai]

No, no, I'm not. I'm not, actually. You're right, because I want to be jerking off to Patrick the whole time, too.

[Drew]

No. Okay, I. Okay, so I. I did say that, but it's because it is the horniest movie ever. Like, it is not. Like it doesn't have the most sex in it or whatever, but it doesn't. I have any edit of it, and I'm like, this is so horny.

[Kai]

Like, it's the sexual tension of it.

[Drew]

Like, the tension is so high. But I wouldn't do that because those are real people, and that's disgusting. And, like, come on, guys.

[Kai]

The kiss sen, y' all.

[Unknown]

Which one?

[Kai]

Art and Patrick making the out. Hello.

[Unknown]

Oh, right, right, right, right.

[Drew]

I wouldn't do that to clarify.

[Kai]

It would be far.

[Drew]

So much work.

[Kai]

Drew, sigh up. Drew, sigh up. Okay, these are rancid, y' all. These actually are so bad. I'm a blunt because God ruled me that way.

[Drew]

No, I hate that.

[Kai]

My grandma always says, Keep $3 in your pocket, so if you see a cute girl, you can buy her a lemonade. Grandma, these bitches want perks nowadays. Oh, this is a good one. This is me every night y' all go out, and I don't go, y' all. I can't go out tonight. I'm off to Club Bed featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanket. This one is you for the last six years and me for the last two years. If you ever, ever, ever need me, I'm always three missed calls and four unread text away.

[Drew]

I actually don't think anybody would call me in an emergency. No, I'm not gonna answer. No, like, I'm not gonna answer. You need to text me. And even if you text me, I'll probably open it and be doing something else and be like, oh, get.

[Kai]

Just get sidetracked. That's what happens to me is I'm, like, scrolling through Tik Tok. I see the text come up through the top. I click on it, read it, scroll off, and I'm like, okay, I'm going to finish this video. And then, like, literally three hours later, I'm, like, journaling, and I'm like, oh, wait, I should text that person back. It's horrible. Okay, just answer no. Why? Like, no. Why? Have you ever been in the military in. Yeah.

[Drew]

No. Why?

[Kai]

Because your panties are covered in dishonorable discharge.

[Drew]

Weren't you laughing about discharge the other day, bro?

[Kai]

It was making me cry.

[Drew]

I bet you discharged him. And he was cracking up. He was like, ew. And I was like, it's kind of crazy. Like, vaginas just go on, like, a rinse cycle. They literally just clean Themselves.

[Kai]

So funny, bro. It's like goop.

[Drew]

It's also funny, like, how discharge became like. It used to be such a big Internet talk of, like, girls, like, posting their underwear and being like, my looks like this at the end of the day. And people would be like, okay. So that actually might be a problem if you never.

[Kai]

It's like, brown.

[Drew]

Like, it's.

[Kai]

It's covered in blood and green.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

If her foot is bigger than a size 8, that pussy came from her father's side.

[Drew]

Is size 8 a big size for girls?

[Kai]

I don't know. I think maybe a men's size eight.

[Drew]

I'm a size eight. Women's.

[Kai]

Yeah. That's like a size six, though. You got little baby feet. Can I see them?

[Drew]

My feet grew.

[Kai]

Wait, take your shoes off. No, I'll tell you if they're big. I can tell you where your vagina came from by looking at your feet. That's mama's side.

[Drew]

That's your. That's your party. That's your ribs. You're like, wait, show me your feet.

[Kai]

Show me your feet. Slap an ass deer and sex is getting boring. Let me tase you in the back of the head.

[Drew]

Would that electrocute your brain? No. Right?

[Kai]

I think you'd be fine. Yeah. I just got something in my eye that was scary. I don't know.

[Unknown]

I feel like that might be bad for your brain.

[Kai]

Really? Yeah. You learn something every day, y' all. Okay, this one might leave it just because it. I don't know if it makes sense. Like, I don't give a about your pronouns. You smell like she. It's C slash C. She slash it. And then I might have already done this one. Would hang out with a squirrel if it had a pack of cigarettes and a digital camera. Bitches would hang out with a squirrel if it had a pack of cigarettes and a digital camera. That's the craziest thing of it all.

[Drew]

If the squirrel was good at taking pictures, I would. Yeah, I need something to post on IG soon.

[Kai]

Me too. Should I show them the picture I want to post on ig?

[Drew]

No, because then someone's going to post. Then you're going to be like, I don't need to post it.

[Unknown]

Wait, is it the. The one that you showed me? The hat?

[Kai]

I've been telling him to post it, bro. Every single.

[Drew]

Why don't you put the bunny filter on?

[Kai]

I've been trying.

[Unknown]

So advanced. It's so funny. But I. I understand, cuz it is really subtle.

[Kai]

It's just subtle irony. It's like, subtly a joke, and I'm like, it's so they. I don't know if they would get the joke. Also, Drew Moji coming soon, y' all.

[Unknown]

Mm.

[Kai]

Drewmoji coming soon.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Why do y' all not believe me?

[Unknown]

No, I believe.

[Drew]

I mean, you've said it, like, 18 times.

[Unknown]

We're gonna get GTA 6 before we get drew emoji.

[Kai]

We got drew emoji before GTA 6. We got GTA 6 before GTA 6. God, that was, like, a pretty good joke, actually. We got GTA 6 before Drumoji.

[Unknown]

Oh. Oh, thanks, dude. Thanks for wording it like that. Like, so passive aggressive and basically attacking me.

[Drew]

Don't raise your voice at him.

[Kai]

Yeah, you're fucking yelling at me.

[Drew]

Like, seriously, you're getting too.

[Kai]

I'm gonna rip those goddamn headphones off your head.

[Unknown]

What else are we gonna do?

[Kai]

Media.

[Drew]

My media is also. I'm going silent again because I'm about to shit myself again. My media is where you are by Rena Sawayama. Diet Pepsi. Addison Rae, Diet Pepsi. Next level, Charlie Charlie, xcx. And I'm still listening to I don't need you by Rupert Holmes, Song for Julie Jesse, Colin Young and Magic in the Air by Badly Drawn Boy. Those are my media.

[Kai]

Mine is dangerously in love. Beyonce. I came home last night from the beach singing that song to Enya through our window, and I was, like, throwing rocks at her window and shit and just, like, trying to be funny. And our downstairs neighbor was standing in her living room watching me the whole time. And, like, she's a new neighbor, so she doesn't know that I'm her neighbor. And I looked crazy, and I was, like, swinging my around. I was throwing out the window and said, dangerous. Like, that was just singing the fucking song. And she looked absolutely mortified of me. And then, like, I clocked that she was, like, scared of me and, like, kind of keeping an eye on me, and I was like, oh, no. Like. Like, I just waved to her, like, really? Just like, hey. And then went back to singing. And she, like, was so scared that she, like, darted for her front door to, like, lock it or, like. And then when I walked around the side, she, like. Like, he kept an eye on me the whole time. She was, like, so scared of me.

[Drew]

Bro, what's fucked up is I didn't hear you.

[Kai]

I know.

[Drew]

I was in the other side of the house, so I didn't hear you.

[Kai]

It was so sad. Casanova70 by air me, Me. I like Ruby Tuesday Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday. The Miseducation. This small album, this little album that many of you may not know. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. That's one of the, like, greatest albums of all time.

[Kai]

Yeah, it's a really small album.

[Unknown]

That was very Hannah Horvath of you, Drew. Oh, may I say my media. It's only one song. It's not some. It's someone Great by LCD Sound system.

[Kai]

Wait. Let's give them a little taste of, like, what's in their future.

[Drew]

New York, I love you, but you're bringing me down. Okay.

[Unknown]

Damn. Whoa. That was fat. It's the perfect size, too.

[Drew]

I hate this room.

[Kai]

I'm, like, literally shaking. Help me and. Yeah. Help me and. Yeah. I'm stuck.

[Drew]

I got you.

[Kai]

I'm stuck.

[Drew]

Oh.

[Kai]

All right.

[Drew]

Thanks for watching. Bye.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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