Ins And Outs In 2023

Summary

Emergency Intercom: Ins And Outs In 2023

Episode Overview Emergency Intercom, hosted by Drew Phillips and Kai Newman, delves into a chaotic and humorous exploration of their predictions for the year 2023. In this episode, titled "Ins And Outs In 2023," the hosts engage in a candid and often absurd discussion about what they believe will be popular ("ins") and what will fade away ("outs") in the coming year. Their banter is laced with personal anecdotes, pop culture references, and unexpected tangents, offering listeners a blend of comedy and unconventional insights.

---

Opening Banter and Setup [00:45 – 05:05] The episode kicks off with Drew and Kai reuniting after a month-long hiatus. Their conversation begins with playful teasing about their video setups:

• Drew Phillips [00:45]: "I hate how, like, high res and, like, high quality your setup is and mine is just my. Like, yours is scaring me."
• Kai Newman [01:12]: Expresses discomfort with being viewed on camera, leading to awkward humor about their video angles and appearances.

They transition into discussing their task for the episode—listing their "ins" and "outs" for 2023:

• Kai Newman [04:03]: "Things are really awkward as fudge. What is going on? What happened?"
• Drew Phillips [04:12]: "Why are you warning that? Because it says vagina or is it just like the size of the font?"

---

Predictions and Consensus on 'Ins' [05:05 – 17:30] The hosts dive into their lists, starting with the "ins"—trends they believe will gain popularity:

• Kai's Predictions:

  • Selling Your Soul: "I don’t mean I’m going to actually sacrifice children. And I'm just gonna tighten my up a little bit."
  • New Pandemic: Suggesting a need for regrounding society, albeit in a hyperbolic manner.
  • Being for the Streets: Emphasizing a survivalist or street-centric lifestyle.
  • Roller Coasters and Reptile Rooms: Including extreme amusement rides and exotic pet trends.
  • Getting High on Nutmeg: Advising against dangerous substance use.

• Drew's Contributions:

  • Smoking Cigarettes: "Smoking cigarettes is in… especially because now that like puff bars and stuff."
  • Iodine Pills: Advocates stockpiling iodine for potential nuclear threats: "Like, we're popping iodine pills all 2023 to prepare for nuclear war."

Notable Interaction:

• Kai Newman [03:32]: "I have size 7 font triggered…"
• Drew Phillips [05:57]: "Is being niche is no longer lit."

Their discussion is punctuated with humor and exaggerated fears, blending serious topics with comedic delivery.

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Debating 'Outs' and Personal Revelations [17:30 – 34:22] Shifting focus to the "outs," the hosts discuss what trends or practices they anticipate will decline:

• Kai's Perspectives:

  • Climate Change: Expressing fear and frustration: "I'm really, really scared, y'all. It's coming, it's coming."
  • Grammar and Records: "Grammar, sis, is over. We don't need grammar anymore."
  • Football and Baseball: "Football and baseball are out. I'm tired of seeing it."

• Drew's Takes:

  • Overconsumption: "Another out is over consumption… addiction to shopping."
  • Coins and Dyson Vacuums: Criticizes the production of new coins and the necessity of Dyson vacuums.

Personal Insights:

• Kai Newman [09:55]: Opens up about mental health struggles: "I tried to kill myself."
• Drew Phillips [14:09]: Acknowledges his own challenges with substance use: "One of my ends is me having a drug issue."

Their candid admissions add a layer of depth to the otherwise lighthearted discussion, highlighting the hosts' willingness to share personal struggles amidst comedic banter.

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Humorous Tangents and Interactions [34:22 – 49:50] The conversation becomes increasingly surreal, with unexpected interruptions and playful exchanges:

• Alter Egos and Sound Effects:

  • Unknown Voice [43:29]: "Looks like. Oh, there you go."
  • Kai Newman [59:52]: "I killed myself. I'm shooting myself with guns."
  • These interjections add to the chaotic and unpredictable nature of the episode, blending reality with exaggerated fictional elements.

• Pop Culture References:

  • Chernobyl Discussion:
    • Drew [17:49]: "I stayed up really late last night because I just found out what Chernobyl was…"
    • Kai [20:17]: "Chernobyl is the pause of the century…"

Their analysis of the Chernobyl series exemplifies their humorous yet anxious approach to serious subjects, intertwining fictional dramatizations with real-world fears.

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Conclusion and Final Thoughts [49:50 – End] As the episode draws to a close, the hosts reflect on their initial lists and share final thoughts:

• Self-Improvement Attempts:

  • Drew [50:30]: "I'm going to try and not be such a hater…"
  • Kai [50:49]: "I think everybody has hateful thoughts, but we just internalize them."

• Media Recommendations:

  • Kai [55:35]: Recommends the song "Stress" by Crimes.
  • Drew [56:11]: Shares his media of the week—Chernobyl—and discusses his anxiety-inducing experience with it.

Their concluding remarks balance reflections on personal growth with continued humor, encapsulating the essence of Emergency Intercom as a platform for both comedy and candid conversations.

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Notable Quotes

• Drew Phillips [04:19]: "What are your predictions for the new year? Let's just jump right into. It's the new year, girl."
• Kai Newman [06:40]: "Maybe we target the youth this time, or no one dies and we just all get locked inside for two weeks."
• Drew Phillips [08:26]: "A girl like me has been living in a singularity because everybody fucking, like, wants to be me."
• Kai Newman [12:07]: "I have like ankle biter teeth on the bottom row. You know what I mean?"
• Drew Phillips [17:22]: "I do understand. Like, part of me was thinking this because you love to tell me you think it's disgusting that I like, occasionally she smokes like a."
• Kai Newman [21:50]: "Did we see the way the pandemic was handled? Oh, my God."
• Drew Phillips [34:05]: "Football and baseball are out. I'm tired of seeing it. Get it off my pages."
• Kai Newman [38:31]: "Don’t take the receipts. They’re from the lizard people trying to push their agenda."
• Drew Phillips [52:04]: "Excessive drinking, which, like, I don't necessarily do that, but I mean, in general…"

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Final Thoughts "Ins And Outs In 2023" showcases Emergency Intercom's signature blend of chaotic humor, personal revelations, and unconventional predictions. Drew Phillips and Kai Newman navigate through their lists with spontaneity and candidness, offering listeners an entertaining yet oddly insightful take on what the new year might hold. Whether you're tuning in for the laughs or the raw honesty, this episode embodies the unpredictable and engaging spirit of the podcast.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Drew Phillips]

Happy New Year. I hate how, like, high res and, like, high quality your setup is and mine is just my. Like, yours is scaring me. You look, like, clearer than you do in real life. Also. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom.

[Kai Newman]

Thank you. Thank you for welcoming me. We haven't done this in, like, a month.

[Drew Phillips]

I know. It's been a while.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, here we go. Is it. Does it look like I'm looking at the camera when I'm right there?

[Drew Phillips]

No, it doesn't.

[Kai Newman]

I mean, I'm looking at the camera, but if I'm over here.

[Drew Phillips]

No. Why would it look like you're looking at the camera just, like, fully?

[Kai Newman]

No, like, right here. I mean, like, is my face heading towards the camera?

[Drew Phillips]

Yes. Yes.

[Kai Newman]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

When you look there.

[Kai Newman]

Okay. Because.

[Drew Phillips]

Can you see me when you do that?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Are you looking at me?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Why are you looking at me? Stop looking at me.

[Kai Newman]

Because you're beautiful.

[Drew Phillips]

How have you been? I feel like we haven't spoken in so long. I'm, like, breaking the ice. I feel like we're on our first. I met you on Twitter and we're on our first, like, real video zoom day.

[Kai Newman]

Well, things are really awkward. You're a lot different in person than I thought you were.

[Drew Phillips]

Because I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm really. Be more beautiful.

[Kai Newman]

No, quite the opposite, actually. And I just think, like, the way you communicate is, like, really weird and strange and, like, a borderline senile and dangerous.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I. I haven't said much. So, like, I thought our date was going pretty good because we've said a total of, like, maybe 20 words.

[Kai Newman]

You're a bit of a catfish.

[Drew Phillips]

I asked my siblings that the other day. I was like, do y' all think I'm, like, a catfish? Like, do you think I look like. And they were like, what does that mean? And I was like, what? And they didn't know what that meant, so I had to explain to them, and they were like, no. But they didn't give me Much feedback, which kind of scared me.

[Kai Newman]

Scared you a little bit.

[Drew Phillips]

Tell the truth. So I was like, oh, are they, like, trying to tell me it looked better on camera?

[Kai Newman]

Well, I think you're a catfish. As a compliment.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, that's a compliment?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

You're just really good at your job since your job has to do with being on camera. Like, it. Just take it as a compliment.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Is what's up with the cat behind you? Because it's actually freaking me the. It's not real. Like, it can't be real. I've been looking at it for so long and it's so confusing.

[Kai Newman]

It's real. It's a cute little kitty.

[Drew Phillips]

It looks real, but, like, no blinking. It looks like.

[Kai Newman]

God, y' all just saw the back of my head.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't. I don't. I wasn't looking because I was looking at the cap, but maybe. Can I see the back of your head?

[Kai Newman]

No.

[Drew Phillips]

Please. Please. I love you so much. Please show me the back.

[Kai Newman]

Is it bad? Oh, I do want to start this episode off by saying trigger warning. There's size 7 font. If you look where our names are vagina. And in Humanzor and Kai Newman. Just a quick tr. Warning. It's going to be size 7 font the whole time. And trigger warning. Drew Phillips. Yeah. Just wanted to start the episode by saying that.

[Drew Phillips]

Why are you warning that? Because it says vagina or is it just like the size of the font?

[Kai Newman]

You think the size of the font can be triggering? Specifically me.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, what are your predictions for the new year? Let's just jump right into. It's the new year, girl.

[Kai Newman]

This shit is awkward as fudge. What is going on? What happened?

[Drew Phillips]

I haven't spoken to you in so long. I'm like.

[Kai Newman]

I'm nervous.

[Drew Phillips]

You're making me really nervous.

[Kai Newman]

Okay, well, let's. Let's do. Let's start it out with our ins and outs. Because I told you, right? Like a list of things that you think are going to be in.

[Drew Phillips]

You said write a list of fudgeing predictions.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. Ins and outs. And I said ins and out. Yes. Go.

[Drew Phillips]

You did not say ins and outs. You said predictions.

[Kai Newman]

Go. Look at our text. I guarantee I'm gonna hit you in the head.

[Drew Phillips]

Make a list of predictions. Look up predictions. You say make a list. I said don't hit me up again. Look up the keyword predictions. And you did not say ins and outs.

[Kai Newman]

Well, I got a list of things I gotta listen, Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

I can. Trust me. Like a girl like me. I can think of Outs all day. I can't think of any ins. Yeah, but I can think of outs all day.

[Kai Newman]

Should I.

[Drew Phillips]

Should we start with ins?

[Kai Newman]

Let's start with our ins. Because I. I have a bunch. Like, this is all in, and each line is a separate new thing.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God.

[Kai Newman]

And then this is all out. Okay, so in we have selling your soul. I don't think I need to elaborate much on that.

[Drew Phillips]

Basically, one of my predictions.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. What is it?

[Drew Phillips]

Sorry. You froze and I got scared. You were just.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, you froze a little.

[Drew Phillips]

One of my predictions. Because you told me to do fucking predictions. But you set me up. Is being niche is no longer lit.

[Kai Newman]

I have that one. I literally have, like, being mainstream. That's what I mean by selling your soul is becoming mainstream. I don't mean I'm going to actually sacrifice children. And I'm just gonna tighten my up a little bit.

[Drew Phillips]

I agree.

[Kai Newman]

Next is in 2023. We need a new pandemic. I think we need something to reground everybody. And this time, it either has to be all the way and, like, eradicate half of the population and, like, we just completely kill a lot of people. Maybe we target the youth this time, or no one dies and we just all get locked inside for two weeks.

[Drew Phillips]

I think no one should die. We should just get locked inside. We should just, like. Actually, that's a lie. I don't agree with that. In. Because I don't want to be inside.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm for the streets.

[Kai Newman]

That's one of my.

[Drew Phillips]

Is being for the streets.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. Honestly, that's like, the opposite of mine. Mine is I need to slow down, but then I'm like, oh, I need to be hedonistic, and I need to, like, be as disgusting and grimy as possible, because a singularity is coming, which is in war. 2020.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know what that means. And you keep saying that. You've been saying that for, like, two weeks, and I don't know what that means. Oh, my God.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

What's up? Okay. The singularity is when my dick and Drew's butt come together.

[Kai Newman]

Yes.

[Unknown]

And it's a singularity.

[Drew Phillips]

How do I kick you? How do I kick him?

[Unknown]

No, I can just go myself, and then I'll still be. I can still come in whenever.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, okay. Okay, okay.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, no, actually. What is that, though? What is a singularity?

[Kai Newman]

We're just gonna be one hive mind. We're gonna be a singular being. We're all gonna be linked into our brains with cybernetics. We're gonna become Terminator.

[Drew Phillips]

What? You keep saying it like it's something way more lit. So that's like not the most lit thing ever.

[Kai Newman]

And I. I mean, if you think.

[Drew Phillips]

About it wouldn't be me because I'm nothing like you. The thing about me is, like, I could never be a part of a singularity is because, like, your individual.

[Kai Newman]

No, it's. It's like the microfication of the world. Everything around us is getting smaller and smaller. Sooner than later, we'll have quantum computers in our hands, which the computing power of those things will be able to predict the future 10 times over. And it's going to be very dangerous and scary. So just be ready. It's going to be terrifying.

[Drew Phillips]

You know what's funny is a girl like me has been living in a singularity because everybody fucking, like, wants to be me.

[Kai Newman]

And like.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, yeah. So like, I've lowkey been in a singularity.

[Kai Newman]

You lowkey have been the singularity.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. And it's honestly, like, let's talk about it. It's. It's traumatic, which is.

[Kai Newman]

I think we're forgetting the definition, which is Kai's penis entering my butt. So you're entering.

[Unknown]

Technically. Technically, Technically, technically.

[Kai Newman]

Which is just a little.

[Drew Phillips]

Dude, I. I hate the zoom. To say Kai Newman is talking and it's just him pitching in for that.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, technically. Technically. Okay, okay, I'll do a couple more. Loving thy neighbor Unconditionally is in. Unless they're a freak, which is a caveat. But, like, I think we should all just be a little more loving and loving each other. I think clowns are in this year. Like, not like, oh, you're being a clown, but like, literally a clown. Like balloon animals and shit, I think are going to make a big comeback in 2023. Me getting buccal fat removal is in an Kybella in a very big way. And I don't give a fuck about these core, core videos or like, where, where's the chic fat go? Where did it all go, bitch? I hate my cheek fat. And it's going gone. And I'm going to become the beauty standard and I don't give a fudge. I don't give a fuck.

[Drew Phillips]

I thought you were the beauty standard because you've already said that. That's like a really hard thing you struggle with.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, I tried to kill myself.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh my God.

[Kai Newman]

I did.

[Drew Phillips]

That was the most, like, boozy tube ass ever to, like, just say, like, casually.

[Kai Newman]

Okay. I think roller coasters. I think roller coasters, specifically euthanasia roller coasters. The one that's like 13 loops that get smaller and smaller and smaller as they go are unfortunately not going to be in, but they should be because I want the option to kill myself on a roller coaster. Reptile rooms and like reptile halls on YouTube are in in a big way. Like, people showing off the reptiles that they own, that they breed and that they buy. Getting high on nutmeg is in. We should all eat a teaspoon of nutmeg and like hallucinate and she the see the shadow people a little bit more, I think. Standing up too fast.

[Drew Phillips]

Please don't do that.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, no, I'm gonna do.

[Drew Phillips]

There's like at least one 14 year old who's watching who would be like, oh, okay, yeah.

[Kai Newman]

Like, yeah, you can get high on.

[Drew Phillips]

Stuck in psychosis for the next eight years of their life.

[Kai Newman]

It'll ruin your life. Don't do it standing up too fast. Like in a surprising way. Like getting high six times away by standing up too fast in. I think, like, we need to recognize that that's fun.

[Drew Phillips]

Most of your ends sound like medical concerns that you just need to get checked out.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, I did swallow a bunch of dye yesterday and my stomach has been cramping all night. I actually got all the dye out of my mouth except for my teeth, so they look like a little bit wider. Also, I just realized I have like ankle biter teeth on the bottom row. You know what I mean? Like, I'm looking like, do you see what I mean?

[Drew Phillips]

I have like a bit of an ankle biter mouth. Like, you look like. You kind of look like if I got into an argument with you in Walmart, I would like look at your mouth while you were yelling at me and I'd be like, I need to.

[Kai Newman]

Ch to get away.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm gonna win.

[Kai Newman]

I need to run. And then I think carpet is in. In 2023, not like a carpeted house, but a carpeted bedroom.

[Drew Phillips]

No, you know what? That's also something I've been like, thinking about. Like, I've been thinking about that because I've been thinking about that in la. I'm always like, ew, why the is that carpeted? But then I'm like, wait, why is. Can carpet be a vibe? But then you really start thinking about it, especially in an apartment. I'm like, I know y' all squirted on this carpet. Someone at some point has squirted and squished all over this.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, I've come on our green carpet in our living room. Climate change is in. I Don't want it to be. I don't want it.

[Drew Phillips]

I agree. I'd like. I agree. I've, like, kind of come to terms with it. Like, there was a moment where I was like, oh, my God, like, we need to do something about this. And then I've come to peace. Like, the thing about me is I will make peace with what I can change. And one of those things being climate change also for my ends. Like, this is kind of, like, similar to something you said.

[Kai Newman]

I was gonna say my ends are over, so you can. You can tap in.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. So the being niche is no longer lit. Duh. Coachella is dead. That's actually an out. Unless. But it comes with, like, girl, you can't say new words about me because I'm like. It comes with a caveat.

[Kai Newman]

Belligerent caveat. A gnarly, belligerent caveat.

[Drew Phillips]

Is.

[Kai Newman]

Are you sick?

[Drew Phillips]

Frank plays? Oh, yes. No, I'm not sick. I just did a lot of coke last night, so I like. I think I, like, burned my septum.

[Kai Newman]

A little bit, but don't do that. Don't do that.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, that's one of my ends is me having a drug issue.

[Kai Newman]

Actually, I support that. Surprisingly, I support that. I'm with you on that one, too.

[Drew Phillips]

Literally, no matter what you do. Support you endlessly.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. Especially for the drug habits.

[Drew Phillips]

But unless Frank Ocean plays. If Frank plays this year, then it's in. If he doesn't, then literally, if you go to Coachella, I'm sorry, loser town.

[Kai Newman]

You're over, you're over, you're over, you're over.

[Drew Phillips]

About this one Coachella. I know we talked about this one. Coachella happened that I'm just, like, a hater ass bitch, and I just, like, couldn't, like, something about it. Just whatever.

[Kai Newman]

No, I will be attending.

[Drew Phillips]

Abercrombie is in the summer.

[Kai Newman]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

Specifically for the summer. Spring and summer.

[Kai Newman]

Did you. I think we are referencing the same thing. Did you see that girl that was, like, doing all the 2000s with? She has.

[Drew Phillips]

So lit. Yeah. All the shirts were so lit.

[Kai Newman]

Also, Like, I've been on that shit. Actually. I was on that shit last year. Micro shorts and Abercrombie. I've been doing that for, like, a while now, so. I mean, everything I do, y' all.

[Drew Phillips]

You were wearing micro shorts.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, but everything I do, y' all do. Three months.

[Drew Phillips]

Can I see a picture? Do you have a picture? And preferably a video where you pass your phone between your legs and grab it from the back, but you can't.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, I do have one of my gooch and balls hanging out in my micro shirts.

[Drew Phillips]

Can I move the sliver of jean to the side and give you rug bird friction burn while I move it to see your taint?

[Kai Newman]

Yes, yes, please. But yeah, everything I do, y' all do five years later.

[Drew Phillips]

Me, you say that. I'm like, oh, no, wait, you don't have a tank. You, you have a beach. But in is smoking cigarettes. I just think it's in, like, especially because now that like puff bars and stuff. And like, I do understand. Like, part of me was thinking this because one of the things I wrote down, like, I was low key being dead ass because I have a new paranoia and fear and I'm gonna talk to you about it in second. But I was like going to say something. I was like, wait, I. Look, you need to remember that like, I do have influence and I can't fear monger people. And like, like I have like, not that I think anybody's like, I think the majority of people who watch us, like, find smoking cigarettes repulsive. Which I've learned because you love to tell me you think it's disgusting that I like, occasionally she smokes like a.

[Kai Newman]

Cigarette once a month. Actually, the last week we were in la, you smoke. You would be like, you'd come into my room and be like, drew, can you come outside and smoke a cigaret? And I was like, no, just smoke it alone. And you were like, can I smoke it in the bath?

[Drew Phillips]

I know you were like, smoking in the bathroom.

[Kai Newman]

I don't want to go out there.

[Drew Phillips]

You know what it is? Before I left, I was doing like my dinner catch ups with everybody. And then I would always get like two to three drinks and like two drinks and I'm going to smoke a pack of cigarettes. No, like, it's a duo. But yeah, smoking cigarettes is in. And why do we low key need to buy iodine pills?

[Kai Newman]

Iodine pills?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Why. Why do we.

[Kai Newman]

Loki like the yellow ones?

[Drew Phillips]

No iodine.

[Kai Newman]

My kids are radioactive. Yeah. The end of the world. Yeah. No, we should buy some.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, why does Loki. Everybody needs to stock up on those. Also, this is.

[Kai Newman]

Iodine pills are in.

[Drew Phillips]

Iodine pills are in.

[Kai Newman]

Wait, you know what's in? You know what's in? Actually, I just remember this is me writing the song of the summer. I think I just wrote the song of the sun.

[Drew Phillips]

We should make a song when I get back. Like, we need to make a song. But yeah, iodine pills are in for sure. Like, we're popping iodine pills all 2023 to prepare for nuclear war. Also, I stayed up really late last night because I just found out what Chernobyl was, and I wish that was a joke. Like, okay, let me clarify. I knew it was, like, a nuclear, like, accident, but I thought that she happened in, like, 1830.

[Kai Newman]

No, I thought you thought we had nuclear power in 1830.

[Drew Phillips]

Girl, I don't know anything. You don't know anything. And then I thought Chernobyl was just a random show that people.

[Kai Newman]

Scary.

[Drew Phillips]

Am I?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. No, I'm just saying. Because Chernobyl. Yeah, you're saying it, right? I'm just saying, like, I say.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, I can't say anything right. Also, the fact that I couldn't say, like, iodine when I was watching the show last night, and they were like, I did, like, whatever. Why did that happen when my dad was 13 years old?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, why? And that's why it's crazy, is because everyone experienced it.

[Drew Phillips]

Also, what's insane. I did. I literally. Drew, I.

[Kai Newman]

What did I just say? What did I just say?

[Drew Phillips]

You said, it's crazy because everybody experienced it.

[Kai Newman]

I don't.

[Drew Phillips]

But, like, pause. Why is no one talking about Chernobyl?

[Kai Newman]

No. Chernobyl is the pause of the century. That shit was suss as fuck.

[Drew Phillips]

Also, like, no, Drew, if you saw the way I was acting last night after watching one episode, I was freaking the fuck out.

[Kai Newman]

Like, did you watch the docu series or, like, a documentary or, like, the.

[Drew Phillips]

Show I'm watching, like, the docu series where they just. The HBO one.

[Kai Newman]

No, that's where, like, is it a docu series or is it a show?

[Drew Phillips]

No, it's a show. I actually, every time I say docu series, I'm like, oh, it's a series where people are, like, doing, like, a true base story. But I don't think that's the proper. It's like, this show. It's the show where they, like, acted out what happened.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, it's, like, one of the best shows of all time, and I could not get through the first episode. But I will say I did have a Chernobyl arc where I was, like, watching YouTubers, like, go there and explore the radiated lands, irradiated lands, and seeing all the critters running around and all the deer that have foreheads and ulcers all over their body, and the people that refused to move out of there and now have, like, an eighth limb.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, dude, that's the crazy thing. I was like, this happened in, like, at least 1920. Something. Like, I was like this. But it Scared. It like, literally sent me into a bad, like, freak out. And I was like, damn, maybe I do have like some sort of like anxiety based disorder or something. Because the way I genuinely, I immediately. It's like my obsession with planes. And then I immediately am like, that is going to happen to me. There's no way it's not gonna happen to me.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, I'm the same way. I get hyper fixated on like how I'm gonna die and then I just like theorize ways I'm gonna die over and over again. And then I find a new thing. Type of. I don't think I'm gonna die in a plane crash anymore.

[Drew Phillips]

Actually.

[Kai Newman]

I never did. I thought I was gonna survive the plane crash. I was supposed to.

[Drew Phillips]

But yeah, I literally, I immediately was looking up how to buy like, I. Iodine pills. Pills?

[Kai Newman]

I can't say you can't buy iodine pills. They're pills.

[Drew Phillips]

And then I was looking them up and I was like, oh my God, what's the proper one to get? Like, I need to stock up. And then I was like getting actually really upset because I was like, dude, I got into an argument with a friend because we were like all watching it. And then I was like asking everybody, I was like, oh, like hypothetically, if something like this happened, what would be your first cause of action? And one of the friends killing myself was like, oh, no, listen. They were like, oh, like, I would just like, hope that like, my government has like a good, like, plan of action to like, go forward. And I would listen. I'm like, we're watching this shit not happen right now. And that shit happened.

[Kai Newman]

Did we see the way the pandemic was handled? Oh, my God. I went, I've been playing basketball at the gym in Granbury, the Y. And I played two days in a row. And yesterday it was a five on five and we were running half court because I was like, I'm not playing full court. You're not getting me to run up and down a full court right now. No, absolutely not. And I swear to God, I thought I was dying. I'm not even exaggerating. I tasted blood in my mouth. Like, I, I tasted, I. I had metal in my mouth. And today my heart is literally sore. Just needed to get that out there. And it's from the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. It gave me blood because your sister.

[Drew Phillips]

Fed you red blue 30.

[Kai Newman]

You know what it is? It's literally because I eat Takis and smoke puff bars all day. It tastes, it tastes like all the puff Bar oil had settled in my lungs and I was just like breathing it up because I was breathing hard and I was like, it was crazy. I got popcorn lungs.

[Drew Phillips]

That is like, actually nasty. I really am so curious what the effects of that are going to be. Wait, did they actually stop selling them in L. A? Do you know? Have you heard from the people?

[Kai Newman]

I mean, from the last like four smoke shop owners, like, that's it. January 1st, it's over. But either way, it's over for me because Josiah and Lucas stopped to.

[Drew Phillips]

Wow, that's big.

[Kai Newman]

It. I know. It's. It's truly is over.

[Drew Phillips]

But yeah, I was last night, literally, I was like, oh my God, we're. Because you know what was scary too is like, I feel like it hasn't been long enough since like, and the first like big nuclear accident happened. So I'm like, it will only happen again within the next hundred years and we are going to be alive for that because humans don't learn anything. And then I was I actually freaking out, smiling because I was like, dude, we literally have become like numb to. I have. Have you become numb to the idea of like nuclear, like, threats?

[Kai Newman]

Like, I was about to say, have.

[Drew Phillips]

You looked so, like threatened so and so with nuclear threats, I'm like, like, I don't give a fuck.

[Kai Newman]

Have you looked into the Cuban missile crisis? Have you looked into the Cuban missile.

[Drew Phillips]

Don't tell me that bitch.

[Kai Newman]

That was real. Everybody thought they were going to die.

[Drew Phillips]

Is that new? Wait, did that just drop?

[Kai Newman]

No, no, the Cuban Missile crisis was like a while ago. I think it was in the 60s or something like that. It was, it was like in the 60s, threat of nuclear warfare in the world ending. And like, it was. It was so close to happening. And just world leaders figured it out, like, because once the first nuke is sent, like once we send a nuke at Russia or China or whatever it is, the world is ending because everybody's just going to launch all their nukes all at once and it's just like, over. And that is why we should make love and not war. Did I just. Did I just make that up?

[Drew Phillips]

Did you make that up?

[Kai Newman]

I think I just made make love, not war, up.

[Drew Phillips]

No, you had to have just looked that up and like.

[Kai Newman]

No, no, look, my phone is still open.

[Drew Phillips]

No, wait, look it up. Look it up. Wait, let's make sure.

[Kai Newman]

I just made up make love.

[Drew Phillips]

It's not a thing.

[Kai Newman]

Love, not war.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, wait, what is that?

[Kai Newman]

That's it. I think we could call it like, like a pisces or some peace sign. Peace sign. Make love, not war, baby.

[Drew Phillips]

What's peace?

[Kai Newman]

Like world peace.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God. You literally just kept saying things that I've like never heard. And they like, make sense, though.

[Kai Newman]

That's the thing about me is, like I said, I'm five years ahead of you. Like off white, year ahead.

[Drew Phillips]

That's the thing about me is I'm.

[Kai Newman]

Five year ahead, like off white. And.

[Drew Phillips]

But yeah, that's what I spent my night doing. Just literally tweaking the out and freaking out because I was like, I was like, damn, it's all over. I'm gonna die from.

[Kai Newman]

And just think about it, just think about it. In our lifetime, we'll have quantum computers that are run on nuclear power in our iPhones and these bitches will explode in our pockets for the first five years. And it's going to cause just micronuclear incidents all over the world and it's just gonna irradiate little small blocks. Oh, bet you want to bet.

[Drew Phillips]

I just, I think the thing is, like, I genuinely think we could stop here.

[Kai Newman]

Like, we're done. Yeah, we could. But hello, Capitalism says hi.

[Drew Phillips]

I know, but like, imagine capitalism wasn't a thing. Like, what more do we need? We don't need anything else. We've honestly already gone.

[Kai Newman]

Kai needs. Kai needs.

[Unknown]

Well, straight up.

[Kai Newman]

He's always 100.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, but you know, sometimes you don't get what you need if you don't deserve it.

[Unknown]

Well, I think I deserve it. Can I guys, can I do my ins and outs really quick? Oh, my God, just super quick.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm in and out of your mind.

[Kai Newman]

My in is into Kai's butt and then his clock is coming out.

[Unknown]

That was literally the first one. Okay. Ends is wearing a black glossier hoodie. Another in is wearing like a brown hoodie. And then if you're gonna name your.

[Drew Phillips]

Whole wardrobe, it's literally gonna take like three, three seconds. So just.

[Kai Newman]

No, he already did. He already did.

[Drew Phillips]

It's over.

[Unknown]

Okay, so another in is two letter names.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, like hi, yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, you're low key. So minimalist. Like short name, no clothes, no swag. No, no, you don't have anything.

[Unknown]

Marie Kondo is actually my ex, which is crazy. Okay, having.

[Kai Newman]

Is that the girl that made all the. Made you organize your house and throw away all your stuff?

[Unknown]

She's my ex.

[Kai Newman]

She had a Netflix show.

[Unknown]

And then I just have two more. So another one is having this haircut and then the last one is, girl.

[Drew Phillips]

Don'T make an end that you won't have for very long because time is ticking.

[Unknown]

The last one is Drew's dick in my butt is the last end.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going in there for sure. I Caillou, dated. What was her name?

[Unknown]

Marie Kondo.

[Kai Newman]

I dated Chloe Ting.

[Unknown]

No way. I did. Chloe.

[Kai Newman]

Seven year Chloe Ting, ab workout girl. 483 million views on her Ab workout video. You know how much money?

[Drew Phillips]

Well, did you have abs in real life?

[Kai Newman]

No. She was bloated as and on her period every day. It was nasty. Oh, this is something I've been thinking about, actually. So we've discussed it before, how 70 to 90 of our diet came from nuts and berries, right? From the women gathering the nuts and berries. And they would send our dumb asses out to the woods to, like, hunt and off and probably go play with each other's private parts because we realized it felt good. And it's okay. It wasn't stigmatized back then. And all the while the girls were in the camps, like, taking care of our children, like, playing with.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, why wouldn't the girls be playing with each other too?

[Kai Newman]

Oh, just wait. They were playing with their boobs and, like, fingering each other and taking care of our children and doing witchcraft in the fire and, like, shoving leaves up their. Because their periods.

[Drew Phillips]

You know what's crazy is actually, like, I bet the first fingering happens, like, really early on in human nature because, like, someone's gonna put a finger in that hole.

[Kai Newman]

Like. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

[Drew Phillips]

Fingering definitely happened before because, like, a girl was probably like, what? And like, when it was like, oh, my God, there's more in there.

[Kai Newman]

You think.

[Drew Phillips]

Dude? Yes, she.

[Kai Newman]

I think we probably had sex first in our animal DNA. I've never seen a gorilla figure. Another gorilla.

[Drew Phillips]

Monkeys itch there. No, because monkeys, like, itch their butts and. And you know, a finger slipped. Like, ew, that's disgusting. Like, actually, ew.

[Unknown]

That looks like those photo realistic.

[Drew Phillips]

I know there's always dirt. You know what's nasty is I know there's dirt under there. And Drew sits there and, like, picks with it and, like, rolls it up.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, no, I do something worse. I do this. That's how I build my scrape it out with my friends.

[Drew Phillips]

That's how you keep your sodium intake up when you don't have chips as you eat the salt and, like, dirt from under your nails.

[Kai Newman]

I actually withdrawed from Takis and McDonald's. It was really dangerous, actually.

[Drew Phillips]

And it's funny, I actually haven't had McDonald's for like, three plus weeks.

[Kai Newman]

I had it for the first time last night.

[Drew Phillips]

Was it lit?

[Kai Newman]

No, it burned my tongue. The tip of my tongue. It was like, gross.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, I got way too high when I was in Miami and I went into an arcade and I was freaking the out and I.

[Kai Newman]

Wait, that's literally one of my. Out is McDonald's.

[Drew Phillips]

You being shocked like that. You wrote it.

[Kai Newman]

I forgot. I wrote it because I wrote it so long ago. How about that? Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. What. What are your other outs?

[Kai Newman]

Buying the newest iPhone. Every. Every time it drops. Every time a new one comes out, that's. This is over. This is over records. Specifically, like vinyls and setting world records. What do you have to prove? It's out. It is out.

[Drew Phillips]

You just bought me a fucking record player, so.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, yeah, but like, also world records. Both records and vinyls. Grammar, sis, is over. We don't need grammar anymore.

[Drew Phillips]

You know what?

[Kai Newman]

This one's for me.

[Drew Phillips]

That actually was, like, really getting in my head the other day was when you made a joke about having not to, like, not needing to know how to spell because our iPhones do it for us. And that was actually freaking me out because I was like, dude, there are genuinely some snotty nose ass kids out there who aren't learning how to spell because they just have, like, word to.

[Kai Newman]

Text and just wait.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, they're always on their phones and that's like the main form of communication. So no has to sit and write a letter or anything.

[Kai Newman]

So they're just like, whatever, just wait.

[Drew Phillips]

And voice memos. Like, I was like, they literally just need to know how to speak. They don't need to know how to like.

[Kai Newman]

Yep, just wait. There's gonna be robots that tie your shoes.

[Drew Phillips]

What the is wrong with you? Like, literally, what is wrong with you? What are you talking about?

[Kai Newman]

They'll tie your shoes. Will basically also.

[Drew Phillips]

There's already that you could get it $3 off sheen. It's like one of those videos where they have everything in their house that, like, does everything for them.

[Kai Newman]

You know what's crazy is how we treat our children? We treat them like some little sub humans that don't actually exist and that they're going to be humans one day and that they're not actually humans or humans going to be humans. Drinking in your past until you pass. Out is out. Philosophy is out. I'm tired of being schizophrenic. I did get two books.

[Drew Phillips]

In general. Is like, so loud.

[Kai Newman]

Is boring. Like, literally do something else. Get a. Get a life challenge. Frogs are out. I think they had their renaissance in 2022, but they're over. Chips, Candy and McDonald's are out in a very big way for 2023.

[Drew Phillips]

Again, most of the things you say are literally just like medical related issues that you have that you just say.

[Kai Newman]

Like, and you're classist and you hate poor people. Football.

[Drew Phillips]

See what that has to do with it. But.

[Kai Newman]

Die.

[Drew Phillips]

What?

[Kai Newman]

Football and baseball are out. I'm tired of seeing it. Get it off my pages. Get it out of my life. Oh, big strong men. Football can stay. Football can stay. I like seeing the big boys playing with each other. Baseball. You're done.

[Drew Phillips]

You are like, actually so ill. You're so true. Oh, that's what's in.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, this shit's true.

[Drew Phillips]

As true. Yeah, we're bringing Trill back.

[Kai Newman]

So I had it in, in and I have it and out as well. Climate change. I'm scared. I'm really, really scared, y' all. It's coming, it's coming. And then after climate change, I will.

[Drew Phillips]

Say for Christmas, it was literally like 43 degrees in Miami. And I was like, we're done.

[Kai Newman]

This is over.

[Drew Phillips]

I was like, it was 43 degrees that Sunday for like, Christmas, and then the next Sunday it was 83 degrees.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, that's fucking crazy. I was about to say it was like 8 degrees on Christmas and then a week later it was 70 degrees in Texas. Yeah, Fucking right. That temperature. Swing jarring. Yeah, just Texas is better than Florida. Okay, the next one change. I mean, like, things changing. Like, I want it to stay still. And I also mean, like, coins. We're done. It's done. It's over.

[Drew Phillips]

Did you know they still make new quarters, which is bullshit. New coins.

[Kai Newman]

I think I have a fear of coins. Like, actually when I touch them, like, I feel like this coating get on my fingers and it's like oil from other humans and I hate it.

[Drew Phillips]

That's where they're putting the nuclear residue to kill off citizens. Is it?

[Kai Newman]

Think about it. And like, think about it. Yeah. Oh, you didn't touch your beat.

[Drew Phillips]

Because why are they making new ones? I thought we were like, having it. I thought we were having like an economic issue. Like, why are they printing more money? Like, I thought they were done doing that. And why the are their new quarters their quarters? Not only the new quarters for this year, but I saw a quarter for 2021.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, it's.

[Drew Phillips]

It's like, no, actually, like, I didn't know they were doing that. Like, why are they doing that? Like, are they like, re stamping old quarters? Like, I genuinely.

[Kai Newman]

I think they're throwing. I think they're throwing away old ones and putting new ones in recirculation and, like, recycling them. And I had something so funny to say. I. I was like, oh, this is gonna hit. This is gonna bang. I lost it. Coins. What was it? It was coins. Money, change, whatever. It's. It's done. Shame is out. Like.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai Newman]

We live in such a shameful society, and I'm tired of being filled with shame and walking around with shame. For me, just experiencing life. And I'm letting go of that in 2023. Doing laundry. I think we should go six or seven days between laundry cycles, save some water.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, two weeks. So, like, you're not. Like, you're. You don't do laundry.

[Kai Newman]

How do you know about that?

[Drew Phillips]

I am not kidding. I think in the time of living with you, I think a year, I see you head to the laundry room maybe once a month, maybe.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. And I have a bunch of clothes.

[Drew Phillips]

No, you don't, though. You don't, though.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, but I do. I do. Allergic reactions.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh. You know what should be in is washing your sheets and washing your hands. This year should be in for you.

[Kai Newman]

No. Oh, I remembered what it was. Did you know there is a chemical that's put on receipts that alters your hormone balances? And when they ask you for your receipts, it's the lizard people trying to push their agenda. So don't take the receipts.

[Drew Phillips]

Why did you say, did you know that? Like, that's real? Because that you made that up. That's not true.

[Kai Newman]

Look it up. It's called, like, BVA or something like that. It alters your hormones. I need less. I need less hormones. As a man, I need less hormones. Do you know what I mean?

[Drew Phillips]

No, what? Like, because you're like, what is it doing that's bad to you?

[Kai Newman]

I don't know. I don't have anything for you. You're asking too many damn questions that you don't want the answers for. Let you say that. Okay. Oh, allergic reactions. Out. That's embarrassing. Get over your nut allergy. Balls in my mouth. Out. 20, 23.

[Drew Phillips]

You're done with balls?

[Kai Newman]

Yes.

[Drew Phillips]

I honestly, like, I've low key been, like, over balls for, like, a really long time. Like, I don't with balls. Like, I think they're so annoying.

[Kai Newman]

It's gross. It's nasty. Fully stopping at stop signs. I think we're grown enough to realize that you don't have to do that anymore. You can kind of just, like, half stop this is a really hard one. But trees I think are out in 2023. I'm tired of seeing their leaves fall. It makes me sad. They should be green all year. Carnivorous gang.

[Drew Phillips]

We should just have genetically modified trees.

[Kai Newman]

GMO trees.

[Drew Phillips]

That's what should be in.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's a good happy medium.

[Drew Phillips]

I agree with that.

[Kai Newman]

In Dyson Vacuum or Ulta Beauty and Dyson vacuums are out.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, Ulta Beauty is lit. Like, what are you talking about?

[Kai Newman]

It's out.

[Drew Phillips]

Have you been in one ever?

[Kai Newman]

No, but I don't. That's what I'm saying. They don't exist to me. They don't need to exist.

[Drew Phillips]

So Ulta Beauty, their point back system is amazing.

[Kai Newman]

This is a. An Ulta ad all of a sudden.

[Drew Phillips]

I know. Literally it was about to go in.

[Kai Newman]

But yeah, Dyson vacuums too. Fuck Dyson vacuums.

[Drew Phillips]

Stop. I like our Dyson vacuum. I think Dyson vacuums are so good. Oh, okay. It's a cutout. When you turned around and it wasn't blurry anymore, I couldn't tell if the cat thing was like a 3D one or. Or if it was a cutout. But it's fully a cut out. Like when you. Yeah, when you turned around it like went like it, it almost went limp. Limp. But it like it lost its life. Well, my outs are. Yeah, take no. Okay, I'm not going to keep talking until you take that off. Hi.

[Kai Newman]

I'm a little piggy.

[Drew Phillips]

Stop.

[Kai Newman]

Wait. Why am I low key giving NFT? This is what we're all gonna look like in 10 years. We're gonna. That one virtual reality is that one virtual reality, babe.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, sorry. I'm literally getting a FaceTime call for my sister because a package came to my house in Miami and they literally are like, can I open it?

[Kai Newman]

My lady. My lady. M' lady. M' lady. Put your mask on. The new COVID variant is out.

[Drew Phillips]

What are the chances we get a new COVID variant? This?

[Kai Newman]

Oh, it dropped today. It's trending number one on Twitter today. No, it just dropped and it's taking. It's all or 40% of all Covid cases. And from. Or it was 5% or 4% of all Covid cases on the 6th of December and now it's 40 of all. So it's hella, hella contagious. So we're done. Hide your grandpa. Hide your grandma. They're gonna die soon.

[Drew Phillips]

For real?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, it's called like the IBX214 or some like that.

[Drew Phillips]

I think you're lying.

[Kai Newman]

I'm being dead serious. Oh, this one's horror loading.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, no, this is old ass news.

[Kai Newman]

No, it's Trinity.

[Drew Phillips]

I can't find it. So it's not real. And you can't convince me. I don't have Twitter and neither do you, so you're lying.

[Kai Newman]

I'm not lying. I have Twitter, but for other reasons. And sometimes I'll navigate over to the trending page. What?

[Drew Phillips]

Where'd you go? Who is that? Hello.

[Kai Newman]

Hi.

[Drew Phillips]

Hello. Hi. Hi. Where's Drew? Drew, come back. Kai, where's Drew? Kill yourself.

[Kai Newman]

Kill yourself. Kill yourself, all of you. Kynan, you kill yourself. Kill yourself.

[Drew Phillips]

How'd you get in here? I'm getting out of here. No.

[Kai Newman]

What the. Is that? Who was that?

[Unknown]

Looks like. Oh, there you go.

[Kai Newman]

Who was that? I think that was.

[Unknown]

One of your alter egos.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, this one's cute. I'm keeping this one.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, the knife's alter ego is here. We're safe again.

[Kai Newman]

World peace.

[Drew Phillips]

There is something very, very evil about your first piss of the day being not at your house.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

You know what I'm saying? Like, there's something really, really sinister about waking up and getting ready and having to leave the house so fast that you're like, wherever you're going, you're like, I forgot to pee, and now I really have to pee on the way to this thing I'm going to. And then your first piss and release of the day being somewhere else. Like, I think that causes, like, bad luck.

[Kai Newman]

And also, women peeing in public toilets can give y' all STIs.

[Unknown]

Is that true?

[Drew Phillips]

You're. You're spreading false information.

[Unknown]

I don't know.

[Kai Newman]

Like, yeah, I got an STI once at Pam's, too, in Granbury, Texas. I sat on the toilet and it infected my P hole.

[Unknown]

That's because you use the glory hole.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, that's because you also let your wiener dip into the water. Because you told me once that you like that.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, yeah, it's so long that it does.

[Drew Phillips]

It's like when you would play, you're, like, in a pool, and you had the holes and you would put the hose in. You saw, like, the water pressure.

[Kai Newman]

Dude. Did y' all also do this, but with your wiener? I was about to say, did y' all also do this just, like, grabbing the hose and shoving it up your butthole as a kid and just, like, filling your colon with water and then pooping it out?

[Drew Phillips]

No.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. It must have been, like, a guy thing.

[Unknown]

Did you ever, like, when you were In a hot tub. You put your over the jet and then you jump out and you, like, squirt water out of your butt.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. Yeah. It felt like I was getting What?

[Unknown]

Getting what?

[Drew Phillips]

You guys? I think I'm gonna go because you guys, are you naturally like that, Drew, or you just, like, joking?

[Kai Newman]

It's a choice. It's a choice. It's fully.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. I was just curious because, like, yeah, nurture versus nature. Neither of those are real. It is fully a choice 100 and anybody saying it's not is a liar.

[Unknown]

With that filter.

[Drew Phillips]

Filter off. Yeah.

[Kai Newman]

Like, oh, are mad and so jealous.

[Unknown]

That I discovered it being like a homophobic conservative.

[Drew Phillips]

You like, when you put on that filter, you serve, like, woman who lives in the Midwest who's like, can. Can normal people take back rainbows? Like, why do they have to be for gay people? Like, can I just not enjoy a rainbow now?

[Kai Newman]

No, exactly. I just. I can't enjoy a rainbow. Rainbows. Was God first. Was God's first. And then the gays took it and made it mean something it wasn't supposed to mean.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't think that is necessarily true. Dude, ever since you said you look like an ankle biter. Like, you really, really do. Like, you really, really do.

[Kai Newman]

What is this? Hold on. Yeah, these are the ones.

[Drew Phillips]

Dude, this episode has just turned into us. Us looking at you like, you can't do this because, like, literally, if you go back at the episode, the second you started playing with filters, my mind went like, numb. Like, it like, literally like something my brain mind click to. Like watching TikTok kind of brain where I have nothing to say.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, I'm an nft. It's hard to talk to a non fungible token.

[Drew Phillips]

I didn't know that's what that meant. I did not know that NFT meant words like, I thought that's just what they called it.

[Kai Newman]

Okay, I'll just wear the beret and that's it. I'm a French cow.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, are you gonna go to Paris?

[Kai Newman]

Maybe. Maybe on the 18th or. I probably leave the 17th.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, if you come this way, I just won't go back home and we can meet up and go together.

[Kai Newman]

Would you want to come?

[Drew Phillips]

Not if I have to go back to LA and then come back, because I won't go.

[Kai Newman]

Respect. Respect. I'll let you know if I do. Yeah, I'm getting flown out to par by a brand I like.

[Drew Phillips]

I can't. I'm not kidding. I cannot look at you.

[Kai Newman]

I'm turning it off. I'm turning it off.

[Drew Phillips]

Well.

[Kai Newman]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

What a way to start the new year. Okay. Also, it seems like this is who the was. That seems like this is the cheapest pack, like, VR, like things you could buy.

[Kai Newman]

Like, it's like honey, I shrunk the.

[Drew Phillips]

Tea.

[Kai Newman]

Paradise in Iceland on my birthday.

[Drew Phillips]

If that happens.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. As the solar eclipse happens, I like, I don't have anything in me. I'm done. I'm done. Well, no, you have to do at least one out each then, because I kind of just consumed the outs.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, because I didn't write any outs because you didn't tell me to do ended out. So you told me to do 2023 predictions.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, I set your ass out.

[Drew Phillips]

A few of my outs is over consumption. This is also for myself. I think I can, like, over consume and be a little too crazy. I would like to stop over consuming, but that probably won't happen because it's either an addiction to drugs or an addiction to shopping. And I think shopping is better. But I will try my best. Another out is I think I'm done being that. That's just a lie. I'm done being a hater. But that is.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, right. Yeah, right. That is so ingrained into your soul.

[Drew Phillips]

My out. No, for real. I am going to try and not be such a hater. I'm gonna actually try. And I think the first step is to not saying my hateful thoughts out loud. And then maybe that will lessen my hatefulness.

[Kai Newman]

I think everybody has.

[Drew Phillips]

You know what it is? I'm like two Joan Rivers within. Like, my comedy style. Like, too much of my comedy style is within being a spiteful, hateful.

[Kai Newman]

Respect. I was gonna say, I think everybody has hateful thoughts, but we just internalize them.

[Drew Phillips]

But you see the. A girl like me speaks her mind and I need to shut up.

[Kai Newman]

I think you should be more womanly. You stop talking and listen more.

[Drew Phillips]

Wow. Wow. See how it feels when you sit?

[Kai Newman]

That's just a thought that I've been having recently is girls just stop talking challenge.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, you would have to be talking to women to, like, even have that effect.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, I get puss. I. I slay puss.

[Drew Phillips]

And again, yeah. An out is like excessive drinking, which, like, I don't necessarily do that, but I mean, in general, like, it'll stop. Like, like, no, more like blackout culture. Like, why are you blacking out? Like, are you 15? Like, learn how to control yourself.

[Kai Newman]

That was a slight at me.

[Drew Phillips]

My. My last out. And I think I'm gonna fail because I plan on doing this is Straightening my hair. But that has more to do with me. Most of my outs are like, New Year's revolution type beats. So, like, it's not really, like, true outs.

[Kai Newman]

Dense dance revolutions.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm literally gonna start stealing your stuff and selling it on offer up if you don't stop talking to me like that.

[Kai Newman]

No, you're not. I started stealing your shit in the world episode.

[Drew Phillips]

Selling it on Facebook market.

[Kai Newman]

My roommate sold all my on Facebook marketplace for dollars.

[Drew Phillips]

And I put your name on all of it. I was like, drew Phillips desk. And all your is on the floor the next day. All right, well, that's my outsky. Kai already did his outs. He did his ins and outs together.

[Unknown]

I could do a couple more. Okay. I think out is being mean to me. I think people should be nice to me at all times.

[Kai Newman]

That don't even sound right. Hold on.

[Unknown]

What?

[Drew Phillips]

The only thing that's out is me from that idea. I'm out.

[Kai Newman]

I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it.

[Unknown]

I just. I don't know. I think it'd be cool for the next year. And also.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait. And in an in is us going to shark Tank with that idea and watching it flopped.

[Unknown]

It lasted for 30 seconds. Seconds.

[Kai Newman]

Great.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, why should we make the Kai doll? And it's like. It's like a voodoo doll. And you just beat it up.

[Unknown]

What the. I. That's good.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, I beat it up.

[Unknown]

Drew's been beating it up for a while.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. Oh, my God. I just looked at myself and my eyes, like, so scary.

[Drew Phillips]

I will say when you. I haven't seen, like, a photo or anything of you in a long time. When you sent a video of me to yourself the other day, I was like, whoa.

[Kai Newman]

The. Yeah. And I was like. And I was like. I was like, whoa. Whoa. Her name was Mary. Well, looking like a star.

[Drew Phillips]

So much.

[Kai Newman]

Hold on. We got media pause. I watched the Chef last night, actually. Really cool. Surprisingly a good movie. It was funny. It was like a dark comedy. I was not expecting it, and I was expecting it to be stupid, but it was, like, kind of targeting, like, cooking culture and how serious it is, like, when it's literally just food. And it's really hard for me to, like, watch, like, food, movies, or television where it's like a drama. And it's like, this is like the end of the world if I don't cook the best meal in the world. So it was right up my alley. And then just watch. I think, is it the taste of pomegranates or is it the taste of tea.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, the taste of tea.

[Kai Newman]

Yes, sis, it's. You probably reblogged it on Tumblr in 2014 without even knowing.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, did you finally watch it?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

How was it? Was it kind of, like, slow?

[Kai Newman]

Yes. It was just visually very appealing.

[Drew Phillips]

Is super visually insane and interesting, but it's just like.

[Kai Newman]

Okay, yeah, that's exactly what I was going to compare it to is it's just like house, but, like, modernized, like, digitally. But yeah, those are my two movies and music. I have one song, and it's by Crimes. I've been listening to Crimes recently. Not Grimes Crimes. And it's Stress by Crimes. That's a really cool song, and you should listen to it.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, my media of the week is Chernobyl because I'm gonna finish it today and freak the out and have an anxiety attack. Maybe. Honestly, I should get high as and watch it so that I can, like, get so scared that I have to go to sleep because I'm, like, genuinely gonna believe that I'm gonna be nuked. Oh, my God. Actually, I just remembered I had a dream that I woke up and I had no boobs. And I always complain about having my boobs, but in the dream, it was so, like, the dysmoric and like, dysmorphic and scary for me that I, like, had really small boobs. And I was actually freaking the out in the dream, and then somebody who we know was in there and I was taking, like, a nude, and they were watching me, and I was like. But I didn't care. Whatever. It's, like, so funny. It's super random.

[Kai Newman]

Drew Mack, like, was watching you take a nude?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Yes. But it wasn't like a sexually watching me. It was just funny. Like, he had come to the bathroom because he had slept over at my house, and he was like, oh, can I use the other? I was like, I'm gonna go, like, come in. And I was like, I don't have tits anymore. And, like, he was like, oh, my God, you literally don't have tits anymore. And I was like, look, like, I can't even. Like, I don't even know what I would do in, like, a nude breast reduction.

[Kai Newman]

So bad.

[Drew Phillips]

But I wasn't happy in the dream. But I think I was happy in the dream because I woke up and my tits were gone. Like, I couldn't say goodbye. And it was really scary. But I was immediately in the dream. I was like, so many tops are gonna look so good on me. Like, I have to go home. Like, I was at my parents house. Anyway, it was weird, but, yeah, Drew was in it. And I was like. He's literally, like, it was so weird. And, like, he went and got me a T shirt from my room because I was like. We were, like, trying to practice how I would take nudes, and he was like, you kind of have to do, like, this vibe to, like, make it sexy.

[Kai Newman]

Like, would you.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay.

[Kai Newman]

And, like, I was just gonna ask, was I in the dream sucking your boobs or.

[Drew Phillips]

No, no, you were like. Honestly, part of the dream was so peaceful because you were like, you didn't exist in that realm.

[Kai Newman]

Oh. Because I thought, like, maybe I would have been, like, playing with your boobs or, like, sucking on.

[Drew Phillips]

No, no, it was like. It was like. Honestly, in a weird way, I, like, I think my brain was trying to tell me, like, I have the wrong Drew in my life. Yeah. Okay. And you, you're just here? Yeah.

[Unknown]

Yeah. Well, you know, do my media of the week. If you want. If you want, I could do my media.

[Drew Phillips]

There are things I want from you that I can't ask because I will get in a lot of trouble.

[Kai Newman]

Well.

[Unknown]

You know, if you want me to do it, I can do it to kind of, like, fill the. Fill the silence while Drew's gone.

[Drew Phillips]

You know, I haven't finished my media, so I think I'm going to do that, right?

[Unknown]

100%.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

I was just kind of saying, like.

[Drew Phillips]

I actually haven't seen you in so long.

[Unknown]

I know. It's been a minute. Do I look. Do I look different?

[Drew Phillips]

You look older. Yeah, you look like you aged rapidly in the past, like, month and a half, because I didn't think people, Like, I knew the closer you got to 30, the more you look like an adult. But I think you would look so, like, like, elderly. Like, so soon.

[Unknown]

I look geriatric is what you're saying.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm sorry. I think Drew's ghost is hanging around.

[Unknown]

What the was that sound?

[Drew Phillips]

It's Drew lost in the ethers.

[Unknown]

It'll do, like, a noise cancellation, but it still, like, breaks through.

[Drew Phillips]

Help.

[Unknown]

Drew, are you okay?

[Kai Newman]

I killed myself. I'm shooting myself with guns.

[Drew Phillips]

All right, the noise canceling literally makes it sound like the most, like, silent accident on the planet.

[Unknown]

It sounds like you're a thousand miles away.

[Kai Newman]

Could you really not hear the gunshots the whole time?

[Drew Phillips]

No, it sounds like you're making popcorn, like, in three rooms over.

[Kai Newman]

I was playing gun sound effects since the second I left because I was like, oh, it'd be hilarious if, like, I Just played gun sound effects and acted like I killed myself.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God. Well, okay, my media of the week is Chernobyl. And then I'm gonna probably finish that, and it's insane. And I can't believe that that's real and happened. Oh, super bad. Because I rewatched super bad to show it to my little brother. And literally, Superbad is still so funny. Made me very jealous and envious because I want to be recognized as a real comedian, but sometimes I feel like I'm just, like, the sexy girl, and that's, like, a really hard, like, thing for me to carry.

[Kai Newman]

But you can be a pretty girl and a funny girl.

[Drew Phillips]

No, no, you're saying nonsense, okay?

[Kai Newman]

You're a unicorn, babe. It's marry me material.

[Drew Phillips]

What the are you saying to me?

[Kai Newman]

It's giving unicorn.

[Drew Phillips]

You sound like if you fed an AI only the things you buy at Ross to hang up on a wall. Like, and you tried to have an emotional conversation with it.

[Kai Newman]

It's giving.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm sorry. The police are coming. My song media is Bikini Bottom by Ice Spice. I also feel like I had this thought the other day. Like, I feel like me and Ice Spice would get along. And I'm not even kidding. Like, I thought about it. I was like, I feel like me and Ice Cream Spice could, like, really get along if we were in a room together. Like, I could make her laugh, and then maybe she would hug me. Party down by Little Beaver In My Bed by Drew Hill. You are the one.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, I forgot I made that song.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm not gonna give you guys that one.

[Kai Newman]

I forgot I made that in my bed.

[Drew Phillips]

I'll say it. You are the one. Marianela, Celeste and Vangelist. Lazy Kong cocktail twins Unmade Tom York from the Suspia.

[Kai Newman]

I forgot I made that song.

[Drew Phillips]

You know, talking about sometimes, like, is, like, unbearable.

[Kai Newman]

Sometimes you ruin my vibe.

[Drew Phillips]

Somehow. That's way more hurtful than what I said.

[Kai Newman]

Don't kill my vibe. Oh, don't look at me. Holy.

[Drew Phillips]

Every time I get into a car that has a plug in Knox, that was made before, like, 2017 ADHD by Kendrick Goldmar is the first song to play. It's really, really unsettling and embarrassing on my phone. Was that good?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, no, it just. It's pe.

[Drew Phillips]

I was at a dinner with some friends, and I showed it to one friend on my phone on YouTube, and I, like, played it. And then, like, I was like. We were cracking. I was like. And I put it down, and I Forgot I had YouTube Premium and my phone just kept like. And I got really embarrassed because my phone just kept replaying it. Okay, well, thank you guys so much for watching.

[Kai Newman]

Help me.

[Drew Phillips]

Help me. Are they coming for you?

[Kai Newman]

Help me.

[Drew Phillips]

Drew, are they coming? True.

[Kai Newman]

They're here.

[Drew Phillips]

They're really quiet.

[Kai Newman]

Stop.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh.

[Kai Newman]

What? Just don't kill me. Please don't kill me.

[Drew Phillips]

Why is it playful? Like, it's like, kind of like. It's kind of h. I know.

[Kai Newman]

Sorry. I was talking to my sister.

[Unknown]

Oh.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. Drew, if I don't come back to LA and you don't have your hair color dark, like, dark brown again, no more sex. Thank you guys so much for watching this episode. We'll see you next week. And I know that's hard for you.

[Kai Newman]

To die in a plane crash.

[Drew Phillips]

I know. If I don't die from a nuclear missile. I'll see you next week.

[Kai Newman]

Okay, bye.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway. Now through June 24th. Score hot summer savings and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags on items like Kinder, Bueno, Cheez It Crackers, Oscar Mayer Lunchables, and Just Bear chicken Bites. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go pick up or delivery subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.