stink portal

Summary

Emergency Intercom - Episode: Stink Portal

Release Date: April 11, 2025

In the "Stink Portal" episode of the comedy podcast Emergency Intercom, hosts Enya Umanzor, Drew Phillips, and Kai embark on a rollercoaster of humorous exchanges, personal anecdotes, and sharp-witted banter. This episode is a testament to their chemistry, seamlessly blending everyday mishaps with edgy humor, all while navigating through a myriad of topics ranging from Coachella jitters to quirky personal habits.

---

1. Coachella Conundrum

[01:31 - 03:04]

The episode opens with the trio discussing the upcoming Coachella festival. Enya reveals her apprehensions about attending sober, adding a layer of vulnerability:

Enya: "I'm scared. It's gonna be really scary for Daddy."
[02:12]

Kai echoes these sentiments, expressing genuine envy for those who can handle large crowds without anxiety:

Kai: "I'm genuinely jealous of people who can be in big crowds and not be terrified and petrified for their life."
[02:03]

Drew, ever the outspoken one, dismisses the festival attendees harshly:

Drew: "If you go to Coachella, like, you're ran through. You're a piece of shit."
[01:54]

This section sets the tone for the episode, highlighting their differing perspectives on social events and personal comfort zones.

---

2. Domestic Disasters: The Paint Spill

[03:04 - 05:48]

Transitioning from festival fears, Drew recounts a chaotic incident involving his mother spilling red oil paint on their hardwood floor:

Drew: "And I'm in a good place mentally, so I didn't crash out. I just made a little joke."
[04:44]

The hosts hilariously dissect the aftermath, with Kai imagining absurd scenarios:

Kai: "He thought I fully started my period."
[04:57]

Their playful mockery underscores the domestic turmoil, turning a mundane mishap into a source of endless laughter.

---

3. Conversations on Gender and Periods

[05:48 - 07:02]

Kai brings up the topic of period awareness with a comedic twist:

Kai: "There's not enough men randomly in your life, being like, I think you're going to get your period soon."
[05:59]

Drew emphasizes the importance of male support in a tongue-in-cheek manner:

Drew: "I'm in tune with her uterine lining and when it spills out of her body, because it's like the universe speaking through me to you."
[06:35]

Their light-hearted take on gender roles and period discussions adds depth to the episode, blending humor with subtle social commentary.

---

4. High School Flashbacks and Fashion Faux Pas

[08:09 - 09:56]

The hosts dive into nostalgic memories from their high school days. Enya teases Drew about his quarterback days:

Enya: "I was quarterback."
[08:43]

Kai reminisces about his varsity jacket, adding to the camaraderie:

Kai: "High school, varsity. That was like 20 years ago."
[08:54]

Their reflections on past fashion choices and school experiences are laced with humor, painting a vivid picture of their youthful antics.

---

5. Relationship Dynamics and Hilarious Hijinks

[09:56 - 12:00]

Drew shares a convoluted story about his parents and a bathroom paint incident, leading to a cascade of laughs:

Drew: "And Josh was watching, but it's seemed like I had my period on my bed to him."
[05:24]

Enya and Kai continue to poke fun at their interpersonal dynamics, especially regarding personal hygiene and relationships, infusing the conversation with relatable humor.

---

6. Mental Health and Self-Care with a Twist

[31:26 - 38:43]

Shifting gears, Drew discusses his low vitamin D diagnosis and the ensuing anxiety:

Drew: "I have low vitamin D. ... I'm scared of it. Like, destabilizing."
[23:35]

Enya and Kai offer comedic yet sincere takes on self-care, highlighting the absurdity of certain medical advice while addressing personal habits:

Kai: "I can't stop unless I have my nails done."
[30:31]

Their candid conversations about mental health struggles are balanced with humor, making the topic both engaging and accessible.

---

7. Technology Tangles and App Antics

[37:26 - 40:16]

Drew and Kai delve into their love-hate relationship with modern technology. Drew introduces the "Merlin Bird ID" app:

Drew: "You put in the record button and it listens for birds in your area."
[47:17]

Kai humorously critiques their dependence on gadgets:

Kai: "I kind of eat whatever my heart desires. And I'll make fun of it."
[43:38]

Their exploration of technological tools and personal aversions adds a layer of modern relevance to the episode.

---

8. Pop Culture Punchlines and Reality Show Rants

[40:16 - 52:00]

The hosts engage in a spirited discussion about reality shows, particularly disparaging "Love Island":

Kai: "I have to tap in. I just, like, honestly, game shows are so good."
[55:22]

They analyze the dynamics of shows like "Million Dollar Secret," blending their perspectives with sharp humor:

Drew: "If someone drives 15 minutes to give you a coffee at work and it's someone you don't want, it's..."
[55:36]

Their critiques of pop culture phenomena are both insightful and entertaining, offering listeners a mix of commentary and laughs.

---

9. Final Frenzies: Birds, Dreams, and Daily Disasters

[52:00 - 67:22]

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts share quirky stories about crows, dreams, and everyday mishaps. Drew recounts dealing with unexpected bird visits:

Drew: "I saw them all day yesterday."
[46:27]

Kai and Enya contribute their own tales, emphasizing the episode's theme of finding humor in the mundane.

Notable Quotes:

• Drew: "If you go to Coachella, like, you're ran through. You're a piece of shit."
  [01:48]

• Kai: "I think men are dirty."
  [30:27]

• Enya: "I was hella popular."
  [08:42]

• Drew: "I have low vitamin D... and then I can't even find the bottles."
  [23:35]

• Kai: "We have fur line sink."
  [11:10]

• Drew: "The way she doesn't give a. The way she..."
  [05:59]

---

Conclusion

The "Stink Portal" episode of Emergency Intercom is a vibrant tapestry of humor, personal stories, and candid conversations. Enya, Drew, and Kai showcase their unique comedic styles, making everyday topics entertaining and relatable. From festival anxieties and domestic disasters to deep dives into mental health and technology, this episode is a delightful blend of laughter and authenticity, ensuring listeners are both amused and connected throughout.

Transcript

[Drew]

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[Kai]

A Big Mac or 10 piece McNuggets.

[Drew]

With spicy nether Flame sauce. Now available with a Minecraft movie meal.

[Kai]

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[Drew]

Ish.

[Kai]

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[Drew]

Hi, welcome back to this episode of Emergency Intercom.

[Kai]

Bring Back My Girls. This weekend is Coachella, and shocker to nobody and nobody gives a fuck. But we're not going.

[Drew]

Couldn't be me. Coachella's ran through.

[Enya]

Oh, Daddy's.

[Drew]

If you go. If you go to Coachella, like, you're ran through. You're a piece of shit. You're, like, ugly and.

[Kai]

Yeah, such a piece of shit.

[Drew]

What were you saying, Kai?

[Enya]

Daddy's going.

[Kai]

Oh, that lines up.

[Drew]

That tracks.

[Kai]

No, I actually, like.

[Drew]

I'm kind of jealous.

[Kai]

I'm genuinely jealous of people who can be in big crowds and not be terrified and petrified for their life like that sounds. I guess you're petrified. So what are you doing there?

[Enya]

I get scared I'm gonna try to do it sober this year because last year I drank and I'm. I'm scared. It's gonna be really scary for Daddy.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Can you stop saying that?

[Enya]

What?

[Kai]

Coachella, you're annoying.

[Drew]

And then talking about you being daddy.

[Enya]

Oh, why?

[Kai]

Because that's like.

[Drew]

I mean, you do this Daddy. You are I loki.

[Enya]

Give daddy and I give office siren. But we can talk.

[Drew]

I Wouldn't rely my mom like your Instagram. Kai put on his story offer siren and it was a selfie of him and my mom liked the story.

[Kai]

I love that. No, but I'm not kidding. I. I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I'm not going because I'm jealous because I bucket and go.

[Drew]

No, I'm going to go.

[Kai]

The thing is, it genuinely sounds. It sounds fun, but my brain just can't. I can't. I can't. Don't.

[Drew]

Oh my God. That was real. Well, since India yells at me right now. She destroyed my brand new bed. Fucking destroyed it.

[Kai]

Fucking river. I already replaced this fucking sheet. No, no, mommy this morning to tell on me.

[Drew]

Yeah, and yeah, so we've been paint a bunch. Actually looking.

[Kai]

Sounds like.

[Drew]

Oh, no, no, I've been painting. I've been painting. But Inya used red oil paint in a painting and spilled it on our hardwood floor in our new house and it has been sitting there for about a month now. And every single time I'm in there I'm like, oh, watch the oil paint, watch the oil paint. I was like, maybe one day she'll clean it up. Maybe. No, it gets all over my socks. I track it through the house I clean.

[Kai]

Look at me, look at me. I don't give a. That's me rolling my eyes rapidly. If you're. If you're listening and you're not watching. I rolled my eyes. Look at me rolling my eyes. I don't give a.

[Drew]

And every time I'm in there, I'm like, oh, and you'll watch out. Don't step in it. Well, she stepped in it yesterday and got it all over her sweats and her socks. And I was like, oh, be careful, be careful. Whatever. She changed those socks.

[Kai]

Everyone hates the freedom of an artist who goes with the wind.

[Drew]

She changed those socks and sweats. Well, then she put new socks on and I don't know when she stepped in a chunk again, but she stepped in a chunk also. It was me, Anya and Josh in my bed and we were like watching this like, person that I found because I famously love finding like weird people on the Internet and absorbing all of their life force energy and making it a part of my life. But she was sitting in my bed and like I saw red marks in my bed and I was like, oh my God. She got oil pan on my bed. But I'm in a good place mentally, so I didn't crash out. I just made a little joke. And you did replace it within Three minutes, I'll give her that. But Josh was in there with us, and the way he literally thought you free bled on my bed. He thought.

[Kai]

I know. He thought I fully started my period.

[Drew]

Because he was out of bed.

[Kai]

Yeah, he jumped back and he was watching me and Drew interact, and we were, like, just being annoying. Like, Drew just doing exactly what he's doing in front of y'all. Just saying, oh, my God, you ruined my bed.

[Drew]

Like, I mean, I literally don't give a. But I. I know, but it's literally.

[Kai]

Just the way we talk to each other. And Josh was watching, but it's seemed like I had my period on my bed to him, and I wonder. We should have asked him what he thought, because I'm sure in his head he was like, damn.

[Drew]

No, the way she doesn't give a. The way she. Or the way he jumped out of bed and stood like, 25ft away from you because he thought it was your period. And you had her stinky period in my bathroom this morning. Dog surgery 2.0. No, last night. Like, and yet I have her periods in my brain down pat. Like, I know exactly when India's starting her period.

[Kai]

Oh, you like snapping.

[Drew]

Yeah, he. No, he supports men supporting women.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Because there's not enough supporting women. There's not enough men support for men.

[Kai]

There's not enough men randomly in your life, in your day to day life, being like, I think you're going to get your period soon. Like, that's exactly what this is. But I will say Drew is good.

[Drew]

I mean, soon. I'm in food with your bronze.

[Kai]

Always. No, it's not my bronze. It's my uterus. I've got a little toot on me.

[Enya]

Yeah, there's not enough male speculation about female period.

[Drew]

Yeah. Female infamous. Emphasis on the female. No, I'm really in tune with her uterine lining and when it spills out of her body, because it's like the universe speaking through me to you, if that makes sense.

[Kai]

So it's like a week before I hate myself. I'm ugly. I'm crashing out. I'm freaking the fudge out. Like, I always am freaking out, but, oh, I am freaking the fuck out. And I genuinely am spiraling.

[Drew]

And then I'm always like, oh, you might be starting your period soon. Next morning, clockwork.

[Enya]

We should get that machine out and connect it to us again.

[Drew]

You want to be on camera coming so bad.

[Enya]

No, no, we don't. I'm just saying it would be cool. We don't. We don't really use it. So maybe we could use it more.

[Kai]

There's something deeply, deeply inside of you. Like, deep inside of you.

[Enya]

Yeah, it's true that.

[Kai]

Okay. No, and see, that's what I'm talking about.

[Drew]

That was sick.

[Enya]

I can't make it.

[Drew]

That was.

[Kai]

There's something inside of you that is terrifying.

[Drew]

I'm terrifying Drew Phillips. More like Drew fills him up.

[Enya]

Drew Phil. Yep.

[Kai]

Did you come up with that just now?

[Drew]

Yeah. Oh, Drew Phillips. Drew Phil's people up.

[Kai]

People up with joy.

[Enya]

With good dick.

[Drew]

With girthy dick.

[Kai]

Ew. Dude, that's fucking disgusting.

[Enya]

Wasn't your name nickname in high school Drew Drunk Dick Appointment Phillips?

[Drew]

Yeah. I famously had a seizure while getting head.

[Kai]

That was a rumor they started about you, huh? I didn't have rumors like that I got asked if I was a lesbian in front of my class. That was kind of shit I was getting up to.

[Drew]

Well, I also had that because I decided to wear suspenders, overalls, short overalls. With a pastel Geographic undershirt, my glasses and Adidas superstars. And I wondered why people were sleeping. You looked like a motherfucker who didn't.

[Kai]

Play about a Rugrats blog.

[Drew]

I really did not play with my aesthetic vlog at all. And I wondered. I wondered why I got called the F slur.

[Kai]

Like, I mean, yeah, I was wearing ripped skinny jeans, white Doc Martens, a flannel around my waist, and, like, I had long red hair that I only wore in, like a side braid for a full year. Like, and it was like a ginger color. It was like, red. So I'm not really shocked that anybody had questions, because I had questions myself.

[Drew]

I still have questions.

[Enya]

I was hella popular.

[Drew]

I was quarterback.

[Enya]

I was a football player.

[Drew]

Yeah. Kai was the quarterback superstar with his letterman jacket every day. He still wears his letter jacket today. Yeah, like, he's wearing it right.

[Kai]

High school, varsity. That was like 20 years ago.

[Enya]

Who cares? It was fucking sick. And everyone was obsessed with me in the town there. He's athletically very impressive.

[Kai]

Yeah. When guy goes back to his neighborhood, literally, there's a parade.

[Drew]

More like gaborhood.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew]

Okay. Well, I forgot about the. I forgot to talk about this last week.

[Enya]

That was a really good transition.

[Drew]

Thank you. I forgot to talk about this last week. But. But someone came into my house. Someone came into. You are not coming to my house.

[Kai]

And see, I can't drink this topo chico, because I'm about to get really burpee. Sorry. Keep going.

[Drew]

And mopped our floors and then poured the mop bucket floor water down my 200 year old vintage.

[Kai]

Not too much on my girls though. Like they were having fun.

[Drew]

No, they poured the mop bucket juice down my sink, which I'm like, oh, I love them. We key. We get down. But like, that was a mistake that they should not have.

[Kai]

No, I think they did that at the old apartment too. What we're talking about is our old apartment. We would get it cleaned by our landlord's friend because she employs all her friends. So everyone who comes to work on anything, I don't know them, I know them through my old landlord who, like.

[Drew]

Mind you, we would get it cleaned like once every seven months. And they would always yell at us. They would always be like, you need to do it more often, cuz this is. It's dirty, it's nasty, it's dusty.

[Kai]

But they, I think they used. I think they always put the mop stuff down the sink because all of our sinks are always up. Yeah. Every sink is clogged and I don't think the pieces together. Yeah.

[Drew]

Can make that much hair because I've yelled at any. I've yelled at Josh, I've yelled at myself about shaving, like in the drains. Like just shave on the floor and then vacuum it up. Turns out they were just pouring mop bucket juice.

[Kai]

So it was just like all of Azul's hair that's stuck to everything on the floor is just like in the sink drain. So we have fur line sink.

[Drew]

Yeah. The point I'm trying to make is they destroyed, they destroyed that sink. Like it was so bad that a plumber came in and was like, what happened? Like, how did this happen? He had to take my entire sink out of the ground. Like take the whole thing, the whole unit out of the ground to unclog it. Well, do you have a picture?

[Kai]

That's disgusting.

[Drew]

I don't have a picture of what was inside. But he said that he was taking my sink out of the ground. But based on this video, I'm thinking he was doing something worse, something far more sinister to my goddamn sink while.

[Kai]

Trying to fix it.

[Drew]

Yes. Let me find that.

[Kai]

He was the sink. He was the pipes.

[Drew]

Well, no, literally. I'm not kidding.

[Enya]

No, no, no, no.

[Drew]

I. I swear to God. Where's this goddamn video? Before I crash out on a. Like, I'm literally about to crash out.

[Kai]

Dude, when he used.

[Drew]

Oh, here we go, here we go. He's laying pipe in that.

[Kai]

Oh, I know. I don't like that. I really don't.

[Drew]

Oh, no. He says, oh, Yeah.

[Kai]

I mean, I'm.

[Drew]

Telling you, he My sink in there.

[Kai]

And we don't have enough men like that on this planet anymore. That's a real passion for cleaning pipes. Like, he probably.

[Drew]

It's fixed.

[Kai]

Yeah, I was gonna say that. Oh, yeah. It's probably from getting a big fucking furball out of your sink and feeling the joy that knowing you'll be able to brush your teeth in your own.

[Drew]

Bathroom and the sink is fixed. And I don't ask questions about how he got it done, but I am pretty positive he had sex with the pipes of my sink.

[Kai]

That is insane.

[Enya]

I feel bad for clowning you, but it really does sound like he's giving your sink the work.

[Drew]

Yeah, the sink had to wipe its butt crack after he was done with it.

[Enya]

He gave the sink the type of head where it had to wipe its ass after.

[Kai]

You guys are fucking disgusting.

[Enya]

Wait, Drew, are you okay, by the way? Because, I mean, I don't know if you heard there's a trade war.

[Drew]

No, wait.

[Enya]

Yeah, Trump started a trade war.

[Drew]

No, like, actual, actual trade.

[Enya]

Yeah, like my tariffs on trade. Yeah.

[Drew]

How am I going to afford my trade?

[Kai]

Well, the good news is you didn't have much to begin with, so it's kind of like if I started caring, it's like, I don't have trade in the game. You have trade in or no, you don't have enough trade in the game to care.

[Drew]

I'm genuinely, like, not okay. Like, I. My trade. Like, what am I gonna do? Yeah.

[Enya]

There's 104 tariffs on trade now.

[Drew]

No, I'm. How am I going to paint trade? How I need to paint trade. It's like a part of my life. I have a gay father. We know this. I've talked about this before. Saying, grew up.

[Kai]

We know this. We know this. He's famously been married to Drew's mom.

[Drew]

25 years, 27 years, 28 years. But he grew up Rocky Horror picture on the screen the whole. Our whole life. He also loves Broadway to a degree that, like, not even I. A gaming. Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

I say he. He comes to la, and the one thing he wants to do is go to shows. That's cool, too.

[Drew]

He's not coming to LA to see me. He's coming to LA to see the goddamn traveling Neil Diamond Broadway show. Because it's the last show. It's the last time I'll ever see it. Which I'm like, I did see that show, and it was actually really good. But, like, why did he see it in New York twice? In Dallas once. And now he's coming to LA to see it a fourth time. Like, that's a gay man. Like, I'm telling you, that is.

[Kai]

That's all he does in New York, too. Like, I don't hang out with Drew's parents when they're in New York because all they're doing is going to fucking plays. They go to, like, two a day.

[Drew]

Yeah, But I love my gay dad, and, like, one day he'll be brave enough to come out of the closet to me.

[Kai]

This is why men can't enjoy anything. If you like theater now, you're gay.

[Drew]

Yes.

[Kai]

Like, actually, yeah.

[Drew]

If you take selfies, as a man, you're gay. If you like theater as a man, you're gay. If you have. Have friends, as a man, you're gay.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Like, if you hang, like, feeling myself and I want to take a photo and post on Instagram.

[Kai]

Why would you want to do that, though?

[Drew]

That's the reason other men are in your comment sections saying, thank you. You look good.

[Kai]

Girls are not about to be like, you look so good. You know it's gonna be your boys in your comments. Like, it's not gonna be the girl.

[Enya]

It is always Mason. Yeah, bro. You look good.

[Kai]

I know. Mason is gonna hype both. Like, even the way y'all hype each other up, Men hype each other up in the gayest way ever. It's such a joke for girls because girls do it too. But I'm like, bro, we're like men. The way y'all compliment each other is really freaky. I was doing my laundry while they were, like, in here before we got to the episode, but.

[Drew]

Kai, do you do laundry?

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Gay.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Do you do dishes?

[Enya]

Yes, I do. I enjoy it.

[Drew]

Gay. Do you eat kiwis?

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Bisexual.

[Kai]

I don't like kiwis.

[Drew]

Do you sit out in the sun?

[Enya]

Sometimes when I'm cold.

[Kai]

Oh, that's straight. That's really straight. That was straight.

[Drew]

And that was borderline geriatric.

[Kai]

That was, like, too much. That was too much. Like, I don't know how to describe it. Like, you should be going in the sun because, like, it's fun and the sun is gonna make you happy and, like, it's gonna bring some color to your life.

[Enya]

Not because I realize that I haven't moved all day and I'm cold to my bones. Like, my bones feel cool.

[Drew]

Bones are.

[Kai]

The thing is, even if that's what it is, you need to lie to yourself. I've been lying to myself a lot, and it works so well. It works like a charm. Like, I just genuinely. I'm like, today is going to be the best day ever. And it could be the worst day ever.

[Drew]

But I'm like, wow, I have been going on a lot of walks recently and y'all bitches were not lying about walks. Like, every. Like, I'll be, like, having the worst day ever and I'll go on an hour long walk and come back home and life is good. God is good. I've avoided my cardiologist for three years. Dodged all the calls.

[Enya]

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

[Drew]

Yeah. Still dodging them. They. I'm not even kidding. They still call me every once in a while. Well, because also, they're probably just gonna tell me I have a heart murmur or something and then I'm fine. But, like, just be careful. And I'm like, no, they're just gonna try to get me to stop vaping and I'm not doing that. You say your cholesterol is too high. Eat healthy.

[Kai]

No, I mean, yeah, I will say all the advice I've gotten from doctors that I can think about, although felt stupid, it was good advice.

[Enya]

I'm just tired of going to the doctors because they're so annoying. I'm always there because of the bugs in my skin. And then also, well, my roommate is a battery and I feel like I could probably.

[Drew]

A battery?

[Enya]

Yeah, he's a battery. And he's always, like, recording me and stuff. And then he'll follow me like he's recording me out there. And so I'm always like, telling the doctors, like, he's a battery. Like, he's a circuit board. Like, he's a part of, like, a larger computer and he's the power source. And they're so annoying. They're like, please go back to your house.

[Drew]

Please go to the hospital.

[Kai]

The real reason I can't, like, because I feel like you're really.

[Drew]

He's a battery. Calling a person of batteries a part of the motherboard.

[Kai]

Wow, that was like, the hardest, I think you've ever made us laugh. Like, congrats.

[Enya]

I think it was. Actually.

[Kai]

No, that was.

[Drew]

And you're sitting back like, I'm going to.

[Enya]

Yeah, I feel good about that. I'm going to put that into the YouTube episode.

[Kai]

Like, honestly, I gave you permission because I was funny as fuck.

[Drew]

Hey, guys, we want to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors, Shopify. You ever notice that purple shop pay button and how easy it makes online shopping? Well, I bet you didn't know that purple button is a telltale sign that that store is powered by Shopify. Shopify doesn't just make it easy for you to buy. It makes it incredibly easy to start a business, no matter your experience. I mean, we've said it a billion times, but all of our businesses are powered by Shopify the backend. And it has made our life so much easier.

[Kai]

I love Shopify because it is the most seamless platform for me to navigate. And Shopify is the commerce platform, behind 10% of all e commerce in the US which is huge. And if someone else does it, you bet your bottom dollar I'm gonna do it too.

[Drew]

Shopify More like shop for a guy.

[Kai]

Okay, well, if you want to see less abandoned cards, it's time for you to head over to Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com intercom. Go to shopify.com intercom shopify.com intercom oh.

[Drew]

No, I forgot about my Grinder subscription.

[Kai]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. Did you know that 85% of people have at least one paid subscription going unused each month? And then you think about someone like me who thinks they are smarter than everyone on the planet and thinks I will remember to cancel every subscription only to find out months later that I did not.

[Drew]

Those free trials get me every single time. Literally every single time, without fail, I will sign up for a free trial. Trial. I'll sign up for a free trial and be like, oh, I have seven days to use this. Oh, I just want to watch this basketball game that's not that deep. And then three months later, I accidentally spent $300 because it's, like, so expensive to, like, pay for these services, to.

[Kai]

Like, service that you want to watch anything on.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's horrible.

[Kai]

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscription saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscription subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocket money.com intercom today. That's rocket money.com intercom. Fuck. What the fuck was I going to say now? See, now I take it back, bitch, because you've thrown me off my, like, trail of thought.

[Enya]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Drew]

Did I tell them I have, like, got diagnosed with low vitamin D?

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

Yeah, you got P.E.

[Kai]

Got put on.

[Drew]

I got. I got put on like a mega dose of vitamin D, which is just a doctor coming over here and railing pipe and give me back shots three times a day.

[Kai]

You have a at home doctor who just comes here to fuck you?

[Drew]

Yeah, no, I. I literally went to the doctor, got my blood work done. I do it every year for my birthday. Clean on everything. Clean on everything. I have syphilis. No, but get my blood work done. Every year I accidentally. Oh, my fucking God. Wait, I can't believe I forgot to tell this. So we all know that about a year ago I went to a doctor and they just somehow lost my fucking blood. Like, they sent my urine for urinalysis, but the blood they took just vanished into thin air. And I never got the results from my blood.

[Kai]

That's actually how a lot of movies get their prop blood. Write that down.

[Drew]

Write that down. Write that down. No, I really think they cloned me. And I think something sinister or dark is going on. On. I think they sold my blood to the black market, but they lost my blood. Well, I booked an appointment and then when I pulled up, I was like, oh, my God, this is the same clinic that lost my blood. Well, I clocked their. I was like, yeah. Last time I was here, they were like, have you been here before? And I was like, yeah. And they were like, did you get your blood taken? What was the results? And I was like, I did get my blood taken. Y'all didn't give me the results. Like, what the. And they were like, oh, well, we have the results right here. You're negative. And I was like, yeah, fudgeing, right. Don't lie to my fucking face right now. But whatever. They took my blood, everything was chill except I had high cholesterol and low vitamin. Violently low vitamin D. Like, like, how.

[Kai]

Many milligrams did you get put on? Because they gave him. Like, I.

[Drew]

Well, first they were like, oh, like they. They were like, your vitamin D so low. You can't just take a vitamin for this. Like, you have to take this prescription strength vitamin D. Haven't been taking it, by the way, because, like, oh, my God, I'm scared of it. Like, destabilizing.

[Kai]

What's destabilizing about it is you are like, you don't have any vitamin D. One time drew out these vitamin D because he doesn't leave the house, which is like, whatever.

[Drew]

No, no, I don't want to, like.

[Kai]

Get too much on you, but one time he got into taking vitamin D and he stopped taking it. Because he said, that's just not normal. It made me feel, like, so happy for a few hours, and then I crashed. I'm like, yeah, it's because you were like, you don't have sufficient amounts of vitamin D to keep you stable. Hoe. Yeah, no, you should take your vitamins, or I'm gonna start taking them. I go outside enough. I want to know what ODing on vitamin D is going to do to me. That's.

[Drew]

Oh, I can show you that. Come on. Dat me up.

[Kai]

You're lucky. I don't know where the bottles are. I thought they were right there.

[Drew]

No, they're gone. I got rid of them. But, yeah, so I have low vitamin D. And I don't know where I was going with that story. Oh, I started taking walks. They said. They said, okay, like, take this vitamin D and then go outside in the sun with 80% of your skin exposed. So I've been going on walks with, like, 30% of my skin exposed, but really, really, like, they're. They weren't lying about those walks. Like, I feel after a walk, I'm so high. I'm so up. I'm like. I'm just baseline, but I just function. Yeah, I function at, like, a level that's below low, just day to day. So when I get that good vitamin D, I'm baseline and I feel good. But I think I'm gonna start taking the vitamin D. But also, I don't feel like I even need to, because I get. I feel like I don't need to because the sun in my room literally sunburns me every day.

[Kai]

I know I will say no. I don't know if that's gonna be. I mean, you should just sleep with no sheets on and sleep the other way so your whole body is covered in sun. But I. I've been sleeping in Drew's room every night for.

[Drew]

We actually haven't. Not. We. We haven't. We've slept together more than. We haven't slept together.

[Kai]

Yeah. Ever since we moved, we've been. Especially ever since you got a bigger bed, we've been sleeping together every night.

[Drew]

I love that. And I. I always, like, accidentally end up cuddling in. Yeah.

[Kai]

Or vice versa. There's no accidents here, though.

[Drew]

But I did cuddle Orion on accident.

[Kai]

I just think if I'm sharing a bed with somebody, just, like, be open to that, because that's gonna happen.

[Drew]

Also, we have been doing this thing recently where I make Enya hug me for 22 seconds because it promotes oxytocin and A bond, and it, like, makes you feel good.

[Kai]

I just got sent this thing today.

[Drew]

That was talking about how or a seven seconds kiss.

[Enya]

Your choice. One's gonna be faster.

[Drew]

One will feel better.

[Kai]

I kind of think the hug would feel better.

[Drew]

I'm famously a good kisser.

[Kai]

Famously. I mean, famously.

[Enya]

He was really good at kissing.

[Kai]

Ew. You guys are fucking the way that.

[Enya]

I left a snail trail. The last kiss you gave me a male snail trail.

[Kai]

Anyway, I read this thing that was talking about how if you cry in front of somebody during, like, a vulnerable moment, it releases a bunch of oxy.

[Drew]

Oxycontin.

[Kai]

Oxytocin.

[Drew]

Yeah. I've been taking a bunch of oxycontin recently to, like.

[Kai]

I just can't stop taking it.

[Drew]

I just can't. Every time I stop taking it, I, like, break out in sweat and I shake I out of my ass liquid. My bones feel like they're rattling.

[Kai]

It feels like a hangover that never ends. But also it's like a hangover, but I accidentally did, like, K2.

[Drew]

Yeah. And I see, like, babies crawling on the ceiling. Like, I hallucinate bad. So then I just take it and I feel better. It's, like, really crazy. Actually, guys, I went through opium withdrawal at one point in my life. Suck my dick and balls. Like, literally, actually.

[Kai]

I mean, opioids are lucky they haven't seen me coming, because y'all will lose me. Hey, you don't never want to lose me. Right now, I want to lose me.

[Enya]

Wait, Drew, do you know the guy? You know, it's like this bald guy with a beard that says crazy shit about, like, his penis.

[Drew]

Oh, his stink portal.

[Enya]

Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what that guy's name is? I wanted to pull it up.

[Drew]

No, I don't know what his name.

[Enya]

Because he's always talking about getting in the sun.

[Drew]

I've been liking all of his posts on IG recently.

[Enya]

Let me look it up.

[Drew]

And actually, you know what's so funny? Oh, my God. Is I'll be scrolling through my reels on my side account that I follow him on, and he likes literally everything. Like, he likes every video ever. It's, like, really crazy.

[Kai]

That's kind of amazing. I want to get more into liking things. I'm not even kidding. Like, liking things on Instagram and tick tock, because I'll see something that I like, but I don't like it. And I want to just get into liking Guys. We should spread the love and go and, like, all of my IG pictures right now.

[Drew]

It's Will Blunderfield.

[Enya]

This is him, right?

[Drew]

Yeah, I found his ig. Oh, I just had a beautiful release.

[Kai]

I hate this guy. So mushroomy, mushroomy. I actually. That makes me so mad. That's fucking disgusting. Like, that is disgusting that every once.

[Drew]

In a while a picture of his will pop up on my feed. And it's like him playing the piano naked on stage in front of like 500 people 17 years ago. And I'm like, what is his life? But he talks about his stink portal and that guy should.

[Kai]

Disgusting? Is that what he's calling his wiener?

[Drew]

His butthole. And he thinks guys should like hook up more often because it promotes masculinity.

[Kai]

I mean.

[Drew]

Yeah, and like getting another man's semen inside of you is like the most masculine thing you can do. And it calling. Yeah. Getting his hummus inside of your stink pork.

[Kai]

I mean, like, honestly, to each their own. But I can see where he. He's coming from on that idea.

[Drew]

What do you got in your notes, babe? What do you got to say?

[Kai]

Crazy.

[Drew]

Yeah, I need to know what you got to say.

[Kai]

Okay, well, first of all, I need to acknowledge my fucking name, the elephant in the room. Like, my nails. I need to talk about these nails. I haven't had nails for so long and I did not intend on getting nails, let alone fucking aquamarine cat eye shiny nails that are coffin shape, which I don't think is my. Or almond shape, which I don't think is my shape.

[Drew]

I see. I like that shape on you.

[Kai]

I think. Well, I like. I don't hate them. I'm actually really glad with the decisions I made. I got French tiptoes and aquamarine ass.

[Drew]

You know, actually, I literally hate that shape on you because, like, when you're playing with my butthole, it like literally hurts so bad.

[Kai]

I'm not kidding.

[Enya]

Like, don't look at me after you say that.

[Kai]

There is no amount of money you could pay me to go anywhere near a man's butthole.

[Drew]

Even mine.

[Kai]

No, no, no.

[Drew]

Really?

[Kai]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Drew]

My stink portal.

[Kai]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Drew]

Okay, I honestly, I'm not going to push back on that because I agree, it's just disgusting. Butthole dudes hooking up with dudes is so fucking okay.

[Kai]

No, girl, I didn't mean to like that. That's just not my cup of tea. That's fucking disgusting to me personally. I would just never go near a man's fucking. But that's fucking nasty. I just like, I think naturally, I think men are dirty But I've just.

[Drew]

Are nasty and dirty and stinky. But your nails.

[Kai]

Oh, I was taken by. I bite my nails really bad, and I just can't stop unless I have my nails done.

[Drew]

But I just can't stop coming.

[Kai]

I just can't stop coming. But my nails were really gnarly. So my friend took me to get my nails done. My friend being rain. And I was like, okay, I'm just gonna go in and get, like, a regular mani pedi. And I went in, and then I.

[Drew]

Was just kind of like, how did this happen, bro?

[Kai]

That's what I'm saying.

[Drew]

I think you asked for these and you're trying to cover it up.

[Kai]

No, no, no. Okay, so here's how it went. My nails were really fucked up.

[Drew]

How the fuck did this happen?

[Kai]

My nails. My nails were really fucked up, bro. And I don't do nails anymore for my own personal reasons, whatever. Like, decisions, decisions in this life, I'd rather have short nails. But why.

[Drew]

Did you get those nails?

[Kai]

Okay, thank you. But, yeah, I went in there, and I was like, honestly, I would like a longer nail. Like, I haven't had long nails in a while. Like, I'd be down for a long nail, but I usually get, like, a coffin shape. And then I showed my nails to the girl, and I was like, oh, can I get extensions? Or, like, just, like, something short? I was like, I want something really short. And she just looked at my hands, and she was like, no almond. And I was just like, what? And she was like, I think for your hands, like, short almond shape. And then I was like, okay. And I just let her do it, and she just did it. And then I was looking at the colors, and I was looking at some glitters, and then she pointed at this one or a really bright red version of this. And I just was like. Like, I don't know. Like, I don't know. And I couldn't decide. And she kept asking me, so then I just pointed to the blue, and I was like, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that one, I guess. Like, that. That's a good one. I don't know. She told me to do it, so I did it. Like, I'm really easily. I'm really like, it doesn't take much. I'm just like, sure, I'll go win. And honestly, like, I knew when I said yes, I had, like, 30 minutes to back up on that decision, but I was too much of a pussy to be like, actually, I don't like Your idea. I don't want to do your idea.

[Drew]

I was just. Wait, wait. Can you not use that word? It's really degrading towards women.

[Kai]

What? Which one?

[Drew]

The P word.

[Kai]

What word did I say? I don't.

[Enya]

You said.

[Drew]

Kai, watch your mouth.

[Kai]

Sorry.

[Drew]

Keep going. I'll allow you to keep going.

[Enya]

And thank you for calling me out.

[Kai]

I'm not allowed to say. But what was I saying? Oh, yeah. And then I just left and I felt insane because I've never had a color like this and I've never had French tiptoes. And I'm just like, I feel bad, crazy, but at least it's gonna sunny this week.

[Drew]

I know. It really is. The sun is out. The sun is out.

[Kai]

I was like, damn. This is how I know. Like, I've kind of gone un poco loco. Because this is never something I would have done. But I'm kind of into it. I think, like, I want to go get them replaced with, like, French tip.

[Drew]

Like, why don't you just paint them a different color?

[Kai]

You. You know nothing. That was the craziest thing you could have ever said. You know nothing. If only it was that, that simple.

[Drew]

If it was that small, you are weak, I could destroy you.

[Kai]

Idiot.

[Drew]

You're an idiot. And it yells at me like that. She calls me small and weak.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. Oh, no. Now I'm the bad guy. What?

[Drew]

She says you're small, you're weak.

[Kai]

About that.

[Drew]

She says you're small, you're weak. Your jaw is too wide. Your haircut is up. Wait, Kai, how do I look today?

[Enya]

Really good. Oh, my God, your hair looks really good and your skin looks super clear. Also, I haven't watched Beautiful as well.

[Drew]

I haven't washed my face in three days. Just with water. I've been. I've decided that I wanted to stop you. That is literally a lie. I washed my face last night. Never mind. I take that back.

[Kai]

You know what's fucked up is I know what road you're going down. And that's why I'm saying, like, it's okay if we're crazy people, because this is just what it is. I know because I recently, I. I have for the past few months been in a mental state where, like, I am not buying anything for my self care. That's a whole other thing. I have body soap right now because I took it from Drew, but there was genuinely like a week. What? You said the beaver.

[Enya]

Well, he's not gonna say the other word.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Out of respect.

[Drew]

Sorry. Keep going. Yeah. Enya actually had soap.

[Kai]

I had bars of soap.

[Drew]

India has not been buying anything for herself. She. For the first time in my life, I felt. I feel like what it probably felt like for you when I didn't buy anything for myself for like a year and I.

[Kai]

You would just take my shit. Yeah, that's what I've been doing.

[Drew]

I mean, I don't give a shit. Like, literally zero part of me cares, but, like, it is hilarious.

[Kai]

But within that, like, spiral that's been happening this whole year, because it kind of started at the top of the year, maybe even later, like after the holidays. Like, I just. I haven't been buying that. And re. Genuinely, there was a passing thought where I was like. I was standing in my bathroom with looking and I was like, dude, I need to make a list of things I'm missing because I'm at the point where, like, I just have all these expired creams and I'm like, I hope this works out. I hope it pays off this time. Time.

[Drew]

Inya's wearing a skirt. What the was that?

[Kai]

And my toes are out.

[Drew]

What the crazy was that?

[Enya]

I didn't even think about that. That was just a bit.

[Kai]

Oh, no. Was the realest. Not your face on camera because you look so good.

[Drew]

That was so funny. Why are you taking pictures of us?

[Enya]

I was just trying to do a creepy bit. I don't know.

[Drew]

I mean, it wasn't a bit. It was just of just worked out. Kai, that was hilarious.

[Kai]

That was amazing.

[Drew]

I'm glad you did that.

[Kai]

You are so brave and bright and I love that about you, dude.

[Drew]

I immediately backtracked the second I thought. The second. The second you were like, oh, God.

[Kai]

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I went with the delusion that I literally was like, maybe, like, I was meant to be, like, a more natural person where I only use one soap on my whole entire body and it's. It's the same soap for my hair and my body and, like, my, like, maybe I just, like, stopped doing all, like. It literally was me going into a world of, like, these things are too worldly. Like, I was like, standing around, I.

[Drew]

Was like, no, that's good.

[Kai]

Moisturizer is too world.

[Drew]

No.

[Kai]

Okay. No, moisturizer is not too worldly because we're kind of being sold the idea to stink because I think I'm going back to, like, the OG deodorants and shit. That's kind of where I landed. So I don't.

[Drew]

No, I was gonna say I've been looking at my products recently and that's why I took, like, a small little break, because I was like, what am I putting on my skin? Like, what are these chemicals? Like, they're absorbed. Like, this is my biggest organ, and I'm just lathering it in. Kim's and cybernetics. Like, literally, what is going on?

[Kai]

Yeah, I stopped buying all.

[Enya]

Before you take a hit from a vape.

[Drew]

Before I hit my vape and drink. Well, that's fine.

[Kai]

That's why I, like, reeled back in my delusion, because I was like, this is too worldly. And then I'd be like, okay, where's my weed pen? Where's my vape? I'm a popo. Both of those in my pocket.

[Drew]

I think, actually, there's an argument that vapes and weed pins aren't of this world.

[Enya]

Oh, it's alien technology.

[Drew]

It's either alien technology or it is. Does feel like I kind of believe. I believe that technology is God. Like, these cables are God. I. I have. I'm starting to believe that it does feel like a.

[Enya]

Some sort of, like, foreshadowing to, like, the singularity or something. Seeing somebody plug a vape into a laptop to charge it, and then they, like, inhale.

[Drew]

I actually charge my computer with my.

[Kai]

That's actually how I access all my memory. So you should. You should quit while you're ahead.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Anytime I forget something, I just plug it into my laptop, and I hit it, and I'm like, oh, I have texts to reply to. I just got all the notifications in my head.

[Enya]

Sorry, Drew, what happened?

[Kai]

Something started thinking about technology.

[Drew]

He literally.

[Kai]

I'm not that. I already know that, though. That's why I had to break it, because I was like, dude, you guys are going down a path where Drew's actually gonna get scared. Like, he can't reel it in. Like, me. Like, I can get a bit cuckoo. And I'm like, okay. Like, let's back up. Drew will go. He's gone.

[Enya]

I just saw his eyes dilate.

[Drew]

I literally got so scared.

[Kai]

Drew's version of, like, his brain is that song that's like Wild Horses. And instead of not the Sunday's one, the other one.

[Drew]

The Prince one.

[Kai]

No. Oh, not the Prince one. And not the prefrap. Prefab.

[Drew]

The AC DC one.

[Kai]

Whichever one's on tick tock that y'all are going outside and recording to Drew's brain is that. But Wild Horses is playing, and it's literally, like, ideas of horrors and robots taking over mankind.

[Drew]

Yeah. It's less about robots, and it's just more about existentialism.

[Kai]

Right. I could just turn that off. That's what I do.

[Enya]

I'm so jealous of that.

[Drew]

No, I'm serious. I really. I can't. Thinking of being able to turn it off, I was really starting to think, like, oh, like, meditation for me is broken. Like, I try to meditate and my brain runs free, and da, da, da, da, da, da. I don't know where I was going with that. I lost it. Wait, I was gonna say something. Dreams, dreams, dreams.

[Kai]

Milo crossed the line. What were you saying? What time did Josh. You were, like, three burgers. Like, you kept repeating to him your in and out order, and you kept doing it like a prince. And I could never, like, redo the voice. You did.

[Drew]

I literally have no idea what you're talking about.

[Kai]

I want to ask Josh. I don't remember if it was you or Josh, though. It might have been Josh, because that sounds way funnier coming from Josh.

[Enya]

Do you remember, I think it was your birthday where we had this, like, up order at In N Out. It was like, 30 burgers or something.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

And then you roll down the window. It's like a girl who, like, knew about the podcast.

[Drew]

You're like, I can't order so bad because it was, like, 400 burgers. And it was, like, for, like, 30 people. And it was.

[Kai]

30 people was also put. Like, it was our whole friend group.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

It was like, maybe, like, 10 people.

[Drew]

Yeah. And then I got everybody burgers. Paid for it with my card.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

And I didn't even get my burger. Someone ate my burger. Oh, also, I went to In N Out. I was like, you know what? Like, I'm gonna eat as. Like, I'm gonna eat down. I haven't really been eating good this last week. Like, I'm gonna eat as. Like, I'm gonna go crazy. And I have my order down pat. I get a double. I get a double with cheese, whole grilled onions, and then I get a Flying Dutchman with the grilled onions on the outside, and I get cheese fries, and I get a cherry Coke, and then I get three.

[Enya]

What's your cholesterol at?

[Kai]

Cholesterol?

[Drew]

Oh, I have no vitamin D. Yeah, I have high cholesterol, y'all. It's really, really bad.

[Kai]

It's a night ago.

[Drew]

It's not technically high cholesterol. It's like 0.2 points above normal of this, like, protein or some that is attached to high cholesterol. So I don't have high cholesterol, but I Claim I have high cholesterol because it's funny. But I also get three orders of peppers because you can bite the tips off and squeeze the spicy juice on your burgers and fries. And then I get two packs of spread. Well, I did my whole order. Came home, checked the bag, no fries, no cheese fries. Didn't give me my fries. Gave me a regular burger, no cheese, whole onions, not grilled. And then gave me just a slice of meat with a melted piece of cheese on top. I did get my cherry Coke, no peppers. What is this about?

[Kai]

Honestly, my vibe. If I were there, literally, like, I would just be going crazy. I would have a pen in my back pocket and I would just be high as making whatever the camera.

[Drew]

It's like that Club Penguin game or that cake making game. The pizza making game in Club Penguin. That's what. But no, yeah, it is a complicated order. And it's like whatever. And in and out is ran through. And I really do feel bad for those workers every time I go because.

[Kai]

I don't know, establishment on the planet.

[Drew]

Like, I'm not even kidding. Like. Like this saying they're braver than the Marines. Like, they literally are. Zamar worked that in and out.

[Kai]

Yeah, I remember. And then he worked at Trader Joe's for a second, too, after that. Or maybe I'm tripping. I'm pretty sure he did.

[Enya]

Well, I'll. I'll just have, like, some almonds throughout the day, and I'll be full.

[Drew]

Yeah, I eat a couple ice chips.

[Enya]

I'll have some water with.

[Drew]

And you eat.

[Kai]

I kind of eat whatever my heart desires. Like, I literally, like, if something's around, I'll eat it.

[Drew]

I know.

[Kai]

And I'll make fun of it.

[Drew]

You're in. You're in my e. Like, my garbage disposal era.

[Kai]

I'm in my eater era.

[Drew]

And I'm in a feeder.

[Kai]

Yeah, you are my feeder. Drew always gets me food, and then I just eat his scraps. That's actually. I guess I kind of have been the garbage disposal this week. That's been my duty is anybody who has food left around. I've just been eating it.

[Drew]

Some things work better together, like NARS Soft Matte Complete concealer and Radiant Creamy concealer. Soft Matte Complete concealer.

[Kai]

Erases and blurs imperfections with full coverage.

[Drew]

Then Radiant creamy concealer.

[Kai]

Evens and brightens with a luxurious texture and radiant finish.

[Drew]

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[Kai]

Ever go on a date so bad you need an everything shower. Luckily for you, Billie makes products for that. A loofah full of nourishing body wash can scrub off the cringe from that extremely awkward hug. A full body shave with Billie's award winning razor will remind you what going smoothly actually feels like. And hydrating body lotion can delete dryness faster than you can delete the dating apps. You've got your reasons. Billi's got your routine. Shop in store [e-mail] this episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. Shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going cha ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. And also, I think if I'm gonna die from some freak accident, it's probably gonna be food bacteria or like, yeah, like botulism or some. Because since I was a kid, my biggest fear is putting something that's warm in the fridge too soon. And then I don't know really what happens. I just know people from that and I can't get myself to look it up because then I will think about it every waking moment.

[Enya]

You're not supposed to put warm stuff in the fridge.

[Kai]

You'll die if it's in a hot container because condensation and like, it'll like, speed up bacteria growth.

[Drew]

It's like the temperature is. Stays in the sweet spot for bacteria to grow longer. So you're supposed to wait for it to get room temperature and then put it in. I don't believe that.

[Kai]

But also, I grew up with a family who would make. Make big tubs of soup and leave it on the stove. And the way we kept it good was you would heat it up every day until you ran it.

[Drew]

I mean, that makes sense to me.

[Kai]

Yeah, you kill the bacteria, you're burning it. And that's why my. My immune system is so strong.

[Drew]

Have I told them about the crows yet?

[Kai]

Oh, my God. No, don't.

[Drew]

There's been so many crows.

[Kai]

Don't say that around this house.

[Drew]

Like, and it's starting to feel like when I thought people were filming me through my window and the headlights were speaking to me, there are so many crows around the house.

[Kai]

I think you should definitely just look into the.

[Drew]

I also got a picture of them.

[Kai]

The. What's it called?

[Enya]

I think it might be a good omen. So I wouldn't worry about that.

[Kai]

I think also it's famously spring, and they might just be literally moving.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. I got a picture of them, and I honestly think it might be us in a past life. Where is it? Or it might be us in every life.

[Kai]

So the evil omen is the crows that have been following you around. And you saw two crows, and that's us.

[Drew]

But they've. I've saw them this morning. I saw them all day yesterday.

[Kai]

I can't lie. Can we go bird watching?

[Drew]

Literally, Please? Are you kidding me? I would love to go, everybody, right now.

[Kai]

I'm gonna put this.

[Drew]

Oh, wait, no, those.

[Kai]

I didn't see anything else, but you're so annoying.

[Drew]

But no, I'm gonna put on this app that my mom showed me. It's called Merlin Bird id. You put in, like, what, like, area. Area you live in or what area you're visiting. And you have to download bird packs, like, specific to, like, the region you're in. And you click the record button and it listens for birds in your area. And then based off of the bird call that the app hears, it tells you what bird you're hearing.

[Kai]

Oh, that's.

[Drew]

And it's literally so lit. Every time we go to Big Sur, I, like, can identify all of the owls and the birds flying around.

[Enya]

Sniffies for birds.

[Drew]

What? Sniffies?

[Kai]

Yeah, you're gonna have to explain what.

[Enya]

Sniffies you guys know. It's. You know what Sniffy's is? You especially.

[Kai]

Is it like a Febreze thing? Like an air.

[Enya]

No, it's.

[Drew]

Oh, it's. It's. It's. If you're sick.

[Enya]

No, it's like.

[Kai]

Oh, tissue brand congestion.

[Drew]

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[Kai]

No, keep going. It's just. He's getting.

[Enya]

It's like this.

[Drew]

But it's my mic. Good. Sorry, I just pulled the cable.

[Enya]

It's like this app where there's, like, penises and then you can, like, go. You can go suck them, basically based off of, like, your radius. This is what I've heard. This is what you've told me, but.

[Drew]

Apparently pointing to me.

[Enya]

So I'm just saying, like, we've talked about this one time off Larchmont. Do you know what is. It's like Burger Lounge. I think I was really depressed in, like, 2018. We know this. But I would, like, go in there all the time, and there's this really cute girl that worked at the cash register, and I was always like, she's really pretty, but straight up couldn't even make eye contact with her. One time I was there when it was, like, pretty late. I was, like, the only one in the restaurant. And then she came up and was like, hey, like, do you want a free lemonade? I just, like, made this if you want it. And then I was like, thank you. And I just, like, got up and left. But I always think about that whenever I. Whenever I pass by the restaurant. I'm like, where is she? I up.

[Kai]

Dude, quit. You scared the out of her. She's like, this guy who comes in here all the time, I finally killed it to him, and he took it and ran away. He's gonna come following me home, kill me.

[Enya]

Yeah, I know.

[Kai]

That's sweet. I feel like that's one of those things where it's, like, how things sound when it's from somebody you like versus somebody you don't know well. And it's that, tick tock, we were cracking up. It's like, dude, his weird ass drove 15 minutes out of his way to give me a coffee. Like, he knew my order. And if that comes from someone you know, it's like, oh, like, that's literally so sweet.

[Drew]

If someone drives 15, 15 minutes to give you a coffee at work and it's someone you don't want, it's.

[Kai]

If somebody does anything for me, I question it because I have issues, but.

[Drew]

That'S everything and nothing to me.

[Kai]

Well, you should go back there and stalk her.

[Enya]

I think this was years ago. She's probably, like, a CEO of some company now.

[Drew]

Yeah, she's probably wild.

[Kai]

And she's like, remember she's gonna make one of those pictures gonna be you, and it's gonna be like, that time that I gave this sad guy the lowest point.

[Drew]

That guy, he's a motivational speaker now. And it's like, the lowest point of was when she was attracted to Kai.

[Enya]

It was rock bottom for me.

[Kai]

Also, you're such a tweak, because I'm sure you could have spoken to her, and I guess maybe y'all weren't meant to date. She probably found, like, a guy who could, like, build a table and stuff.

[Enya]

Yeah, she probably got a guy that.

[Kai]

Better days for her protect her, and.

[Enya]

Which is fine. I'm happy for her. Whatever.

[Drew]

Every single night.

[Kai]

Every single night.

[Drew]

And every single day, Every single night in bed, I grapple with the idea of if I should go to sleep or if I should spend $60 in bed every night.

[Kai]

I guess. Yeah. I mean, using your phone now is literally like, I really hope I use this. And I don't buy something stupid should.

[Drew]

I sleep or spend $60?

[Kai]

Mine is, should I sleep or should I. Actually, this wave of motivation and lust for life I have. Should I sit on this and stay up all night and have the best day of my life tomorrow? And then I usually end up going to bed.

[Enya]

4:00Am the best night ever. Chicken jockey.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

Whoa. Okay, wait.

[Drew]

Actually, the. Was that.

[Kai]

Have y'all seen. What is it called? Million Dollar Secret?

[Drew]

You know I haven't seen that.

[Kai]

Well, I know you haven't seen a. I was asking this.

[Drew]

Why'd you look at you? I didn't want to say.

[Kai]

Y'all out of question. Fine, I'll just talk to Kai. Have you seen Million Dollars?

[Enya]

I have no idea what that is.

[Kai]

Okay, I'm gonna explain to you what it is. It's this reality show that, from what I'm gathering, is kind of like a copycat of just like a Jubilee or a Mole game, whatever. Whatever. The semantics of it don't matter to me, but it's basically one person has a million dollars and they have to lie to the whole cast that they're on this game show with about who has the million dollars in. The last liar standing gets to walk away with it. But the most interesting part about this fucking show is they give them these weird tasks so they already have to lie to everybody that they know or they've just met, but they get these weird ass tasks that push them higher in the game so, like, their vote will count for more, just like, they'll keep the money for longer. Shit like that. One of them was cracking me up because I was like, what? She had to mention she had to get other members of the game to say the name Justin Timberlake out loud. And I just want to know how y'all would do that, because I want to know how y'all would lie right now. How would you get me to say that name?

[Enya]

Oh, I would be like, what's the.

[Drew]

Guy that had the DUI recently that did the press conference?

[Kai]

I wouldn't know.

[Enya]

Who's the guy that did, like, Dick in a Box with Andy Samberg? Who was that?

[Drew]

I wouldn't know that either.

[Kai]

Lady Gaga. That was Lady Gaga.

[Enya]

Oh, I'm gonna see her at Coachella. I'm gonna see Abracadola out there.

[Kai]

Is she. Is she doing Coachella?

[Drew]

I'm pretty sure she is. Saturday.

[Kai]

Wait, since when?

[Drew]

Since always. That's why I'm like, we should maybe go.

[Enya]

That'll be really fun.

[Drew]

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday.

[Kai]

Do that.

[Drew]

Just Saturday, though.

[Kai]

No, I can't. I don't think any of it. Like, I'm not kidding. All of my negative projections onto the experience of Coachella come from the deep, deep truth that I just can't enjoy those kind of things because I am actually petrified of being around that many.

[Drew]

People every single night.

[Kai]

And that's why when I go to have, like, two drinks, because I seriously think someone's gonna kidnap me or stab me or push me or kill me.

[Drew]

This is how I would do it. Oh, what's the. What's the guy who has the song, baby? His first name.

[Kai]

Justin.

[Drew]

And what would you say is a tree? That's by.

[Kai]

Well, the thing is, you have to be not suspicious. So she had to get three. Wait, what was the second part?

[Drew]

A tree by a body of water.

[Kai]

A tree by a lake.

[Drew]

But what's another name for a tree? Oak wood.

[Kai]

Oak tree. Oak wood. I don't know.

[Drew]

That's my middle school. Oak woods.

[Kai]

Oak woods.

[Drew]

We were the Roadrunners, I would say.

[Enya]

Who's that guy that Drew sold poppers to that one time?

[Kai]

Oh, Justin Timberlake.

[Drew]

That is Justin Timberlake.

[Kai]

But you have to get people to say it three times. And also, everyone who's playing the game with you is watching everybody, because it, like. And another one was. Of them was, like, some crazy. It's. Oh, you have to get three people to scream with you, but everybody's looking out to see who's screaming. It's just such a good game, and I want to play it so bad, but I feel like I'd be, like, this one girl who. Who was just trying so hard to just, like, she hadn't been the millionaire yet, so she had nothing to lose. And she was like, I'm just gonna be, like, very transparent, this whole game. And everyone turned on her, and she had a panic attack, and then she left. No, it was really sad.

[Enya]

I need to see that because I have this visceral, like, idea that if I was ever on one of those dating shows, I would have a panic attack on camera. Oh, I could not think of a worse thing for me to be.

[Drew]

Well, I guess live dating on camera.

[Kai]

Dude, none of us would survive Love Island. Not a single one of us.

[Drew]

I don't know a single person that has the brain chemistry for Love Island.

[Kai]

Like, you really have to be about it.

[Drew]

Y'all know about Traders?

[Kai]

Traders, yeah.

[Drew]

But, like, it's resonating with me.

[Kai]

I have to tap in. I just, like, honestly, game shows are so good, and this might be crazy. But I think I like the Millionaire. Or what is it called again? Million Dollar Secret. I think I like it because it's the first time in a while I have have felt to my core that the producers are with this game like they. You. Every task is so pointed and like them just giving clues to these. And you're watching everybody just like from one second to another be like, oh, oh, okay. Like, everyone is going insane. And I am so curious. And I also just like, I love watching people lie. I love the way you lie by Rihanna.

[Drew]

Well, if you love lying so much, you're pretty.

[Kai]

That's to me, is. Isn't even a bad lie because the correct one is I'm gorgeous. So pretty actually doesn't even. Pretty goes over my head. It's like, pretty. Try again. And for me, I would be lying by saying, like, you are worthy.

[Drew]

So I'm worthless. Yeah. No, I am worthless.

[Kai]

Guys, today, can we have an arts and crafts day where we make each other motivational posters?

[Drew]

No, we need to go to the gym. We haven't been to the gym in, like, three months. So bad.

[Enya]

You just sent me a shirtless photo in the gym.

[Kai]

Why is he yelling at me to go to the gym?

[Drew]

That's the crazy thing.

[Kai]

We need to go to the gym.

[Enya]

I want to apologize for my radar for protecting women. Not going. Going off just then because usually it's perfect.

[Kai]

And I apologize for my gaydar going off so crazy that you guys could probably hear it through my brain because y'all are so gay.

[Drew]

Actually, I hear nothing. I hear nothing, and that's impossible. So. Yeah, we went to the Minecraft movie. Well, they didn't. I went to the Minecraft movie and it was lit.

[Kai]

Okay, Me and Kai are gonna go see it.

[Drew]

Yeah, y'all have fucking fun.

[Enya]

My friend saw it, and she said that she had a really, really violently visceral sex dream about Jack Black after.

[Kai]

Honestly, I can't even hate on that because, like, I kind of feel it.

[Drew]

I can get down. Yeah, I can get down with that.

[Enya]

He looks good on snl. Have you seen when he's Young on snl? He's sexy.

[Drew]

Jason Momoa, too. I'll let slide. No, but I don't like that buff. The. The movie was lit. It was really funny, actually. Like, I thought. I thought I was gonna be, like, go into it and just, like, laugh at how terrible it was. It is a bad movie. Objectively, it's a bad movie, but, like, if you let yourself love it, if.

[Kai]

You let your imagination run free, like.

[Drew]

A Minecraft movie would. Would want you to do. It was awesome. It was really, really funny. And I found out 30 seconds before the movie started that the guy that made Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre made Minecraft movie. And that changed everything for me. I mean, there were so many moments where I was like literally actually laughing, laughing at that.

[Kai]

I need to go see it.

[Drew]

But I did wish I did wish I saw it like after Saturday or Sunday. Saturday, Sunday. Because like the hive mind like decided like the parts that they're gonna cheer out. Like it was like a Barbenheimer moment where like everyone was like, yeah, we're gonna have fun in this movie. People weren't really having fun yet. And I would go see it again just to like cheer in the theater. Like everybody cheers at the AMC lady.

[Kai]

That's like gays people version of sports is going. Is banding together over some weird ass movie and all going to the theater and screaming at the screen. Like that is literally the closest that and like the Fortnite, because Fortnite, they are one universe away, the universe being Steven Universe, from having the broadest range of gay people to ever play one singular video game. And I genuinely. It lost me for a second, but they got the Sabrina Carpenter skin, the emotes. They have Adventure time. Like there's a, there's a siren being yelled out by Epic Games for gay people to unite on Fortnite. And that's what I think of movie theaters. It's kind of like when gay people put on like music videos in their living room.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

To me, going to see Minecraft is that. And it's necessary.

[Drew]

So one of my friends recently asked me. They were at a gay night and they were watching music videos and they asked for my opinion. They asked for, they asked for what I should put on on.

[Kai]

Oh my God, that's amazing.

[Enya]

What's the Lady Gaga music video? That's like a short film.

[Drew]

Telephone.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Is it for Telephone with Beyonce?

[Enya]

No, there's like one where it's 12 minutes.

[Drew]

I was watching with telephone's Beyonce or telephone's 12 minutes. Oh, it's kind of like she picks.

[Kai]

Her up from jail. Like she does the like, like where they speed up and she walks around, you know. Exactly.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

But like there's this one part like, oh my God, guys, a Beyonce concert later this month?

[Drew]

Yeah. Wow.

[Kai]

You know what the scariest part is? I remember when that album came out and I was like, I don't even have to think about going to that concert for like so long.

[Drew]

It's here.

[Kai]

It's here. I think last time when we went to Renaissance, I didn't really do too much with my fit. I actually almost wore that shirt today. The like, tank top that had my boobs falling out. Cuz my boobs shrunk so I thought. Thought they would fit in that shirt. And I bent over and my boobs were out. And I was like, this shirt is literally just not meant to be worn by me. But I think I want to go crazy with like a fit. I'm just. I think I'm like, kind of losing it. Like, I want. I'm bored. I want to see what the girls are talking about. All you Coachella girls who get your fits together. I want to see what all the fuss is about. Because the happiest people ever. So I want to start getting like, really obnoxiously made outfit for events. And they're not going to be my events. It's for Beyonce's concert. But that's my first big boom moment.

[Drew]

The last thing I want to talk about is how humans think they were created in God's image, but it was actually horseshoe crabs. They haven't evolved in millions and millions and millions of years. They haven't changed a centimeter, a millimeter. And that's what God looks like.

[Enya]

And doesn't everything evolve into a crab eventually?

[Drew]

Yeah, yeah.

[Enya]

They're like the final form, efficient physical embodiment.

[Kai]

And that's why now they're sold at fairs.

[Drew]

That's why we eat them.

[Kai]

Yeah, that's why, like, I actually have like, friends in Miami who vlog going.

[Drew]

Down there and being like, their blue blood is like the most expensive liquid in the world.

[Kai]

Blue blood.

[Drew]

This blood is really expensive and it's good for like, medical medicine. Also. Also, if horseshoe crabs start evolving, that's when we know the damage we've done is irreparable.

[Enya]

Wow.

[Kai]

So when's the last time we seen one of those motherfuckers? Because I want to check up.

[Drew]

I want to see what's going on.

[Kai]

Let me know.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Because it feels like she's. She's changing in her sleep and we don't even notice it yet.

[Drew]

Also, actually, this is the last thing I'll mention. This shit pissed me the off in a crazy way. This would. This really infuriated me. Like, this pissed me the off. I got tagged in this video way, way too many times for it to be okay. This is. It was bullying. It was bullying at that point point. Like, that's. That's crazy.

[Enya]

That. That does remind Me of you honestly kill yourself.

[Kai]

Oh, you make me want to kill myself.

[Enya]

Wait, Enya. Because I want. I want to focus on this.

[Kai]

Ew, Kai, that's nasty. Like, actually, sometimes you. You like. No, no, I'm sorry.

[Drew]

Ooh, let's go through the email and see if I can find some doppelgangers or some say Blake Bennett. Holding it down still. I'm not kidding. He sent me. Like, he said. Oh, wait, this is a. This is one he said on his own. Lesbian grinder is called finger F I n G R. Potheads will find any reason to smoke. Damn, that ugly. Let me roll up.

[Kai]

That's me, bruh.

[Drew]

Literally, you.

[Kai]

Damn, that is ugly.

[Drew]

What's the. What do you mean you saw Yoji Yamamoto?

[Kai]

I can't stand smoking with paranoid bitches. Fuck you mean you see Yoji Yamamoto in the corner?

[Drew]

This is just a certified classic. Some of y'all AirPods. Some. Some of yalls AirPods look like they were in your ass, not your ear.

[Kai]

Classic. Classic.

[Drew]

Whoa, this one's good. This one's really, really, really good. You got money for Dubai chocolate but didn't pay your rent? That was due by the first.

[Kai]

Wow.

[Drew]

Damn, these Thanksgiving leftovers are still hitting. True. It's April day.

[Kai]

Happy Easter. Is Easter this weekend? I think I need to do an Easter egg hunt. So that's kind of where I'm at right now, but I just want to do it. If somebody puts like a 20 in one of the eggs, I want like a 20 for free. That I hunt.

[Drew]

I'll do. We can do that in the backyard.

[Kai]

That'd be fun.

[Drew]

Yeah. Should we host like a. I mean, we don't have grass, but we can hide them.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Some of y'all aren't queer, but you sure are LGBT, lying, gossiping, and bitching well into your 30s.

[Kai]

I've never seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but I can only assume this trio is that Kai would eat.

[Drew]

As, like the guy that got nominated because.

[Kai]

What is it? Is it like a guy makeover show?

[Drew]

Yeah, it's like you nominate. It's not specifically guy, but like you nominate a person or a guy to be made over by like three or four gay guys. And it's like therapy. It's like.

[Kai]

So it's like the nice version of what not to wear. Yeah, the non evil version.

[Drew]

Him. That pussy is mine. Wait, him? Is that pussy mine? Me. You are for sure a shale hurled up.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew]

I called a girl's bi boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse. Those were from Yaley. Okay, well, that was the episode of. Oh, wait, no. Media, media.

[Kai]

My media is rather live. I playboi Cardi on the Weeknd. This is my life. Shirley Bassey, relationships Heim tonight, Pink Panthers.

[Drew]

I've been listening to Sufi and Stevens. Seven Swans. And that is the saddest album. Oh my God.

[Kai]

Yeah, I can't do that right now.

[Drew]

Like, do you know the lore?

[Kai]

No, and I don't know.

[Drew]

Oh, it's really dark sided. Look into it. I'm not. I don't want to like mess things up, but like someone he falls in love with gets cancer and dies. Futile devices though I always say. I always say Stacy's mom makes me cry. That's the only song that's ever made me cry and will ever make me cry. Futile devices made me cry the other day.

[Kai]

I've been listening to White Nights by Psychic TV again.

[Drew]

How does that one go?

[Kai]

It's like, like Santa Claus is checking his list going as Choices.

[Drew]

Project Patch.

[Kai]

I love you. I give you all my life.

[Drew]

I really like Choices by Project Pat and Lavender Bud.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah. I was lying awake and thinking about the nights we spent Sample of April.

[Drew]

Showers by the black merch fell and when autumn came dream the love did.

[Kai]

Not remain and made my world a living hell. Okay, well, see you guys next week.