stink portal

Summary

Emergency Intercom: "Stink Portal" Episode Summary

Release Date: April 11, 2025
Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips
Podcast Description: Emergency Intercom is a comedy podcast by Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips. There is no emergency, but there is an intense need for attention, so maybe listen up… You don’t want to know what happens if you don’t. (we will be violent)

---

1. Introduction to the Episode

Timestamp: [00:46]

Drew Phillips kicks off the episode with his signature enthusiasm, re-engaging listeners after a brief advertisement break.

---

2. Coachella Conundrum

Timestamp: [00:51 - 02:16]

Kai expresses her disdain for Coachella, stating, “But we're not going,” highlighting her anxiety about large crowds. Drew humorously jabs, “If you go to Coachella, like, you're ran through. You're a piece of shit. You're, like, ugly and,” eliciting laughter from both Kai and Inya.

Kai continues, “I’m genuinely jealous of people who can be in big crowds and not be terrified and petrified for their life like that sounds,” revealing her apprehensions about attending such events. The conversation underscores their collective decision to skip the festival, with Kai admitting her fear of violent incidents.

---

3. The Oil Paint Fiasco

Timestamp: [02:16 - 05:48]

The trio delves into an amusing yet frustrating incident involving Inya spilling red oil paint on their new hardwood floors. Drew shares, “She used red oil paint in a painting and spilled it on our hardwood floor,” describing the month-long battle to clean the mess.

Inya mentions her effort to stay sober during the event to prevent further spills: “I'm gonna try to do it sober this year because last year I drank and I'm. I'm scared it's gonna be really scary for Daddy.” The story takes a humorous turn when Josh mistakes the spilled paint for a period, causing Kai to laugh, “He jumped back and he was watching me and Drew interact.”

---

4. Period Awareness and Support

Timestamp: [05:48 - 06:58]

A heartfelt discussion emerges around period awareness. Drew boasts, “I'm in with your bronze always,” indicating his support system for Kai. Kai reflects on her anxiety and Drew’s proactive approach: “I'm always freaking out, but, oh, I am freaking the fuck out.”

Inya adds, “There's not enough male speculation about female periods,” emphasizing the importance of male allies in supporting women’s health. The conversation balances humor with genuine support, highlighting the trio’s camaraderie.

---

5. Sink Repair Saga

Timestamp: [08:07 - 12:35]

Drew recounts an odd experience with a plumber who not only fixed their clogged sink but seemingly took a personal interest in it: “He had to take my entire sink out of the ground. Like, take the whole thing, the whole unit out of the ground to unclog it.”

The story spirals into absurdity as Drew humorously suggests the plumber "fell in love" with the sink: “I think he had sex with the pipes of my sink.” Kai and Inya react with disbelief and amusement, calling the situation “insane.”

---

6. Personal Hygiene and Self-Care

Timestamp: [16:03 - 34:47]

The hosts transition into a discussion about personal hygiene routines and self-care habits.

Drew shares his reluctance to follow doctors’ advice: “They’re probably just gonna try to get me to stop vaping, and I’m not doing that.” Kai and Inya chime in with their own routines, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining self-care amidst busy lives.

Kai opens up about neglecting self-care: “I just have all these expired creams,” illustrating her struggles with maintaining a consistent routine. Drew sympathetically relates, sharing his past experiences of neglecting self-care and the impact it had on their household.

---

7. Health Concerns: Vitamin D and Cholesterol

Timestamp: [34:07 - 40:05]

Drew discusses his recent health check-up, revealing he was diagnosed with low vitamin D and slightly elevated cholesterol: “I got diagnosed with low vitamin D... it made me feel so happy for a few hours and then I crash.”

Kai provides a humorous take on the situation, teasing Drew about his vitamin intake: “Come on, D me up.” The conversation underscores the hosts’ lighthearted approach to serious health issues, blending humor with personal anecdotes.

---

8. Technology and Bird Identification

Timestamp: [40:15 - 43:54]

The hosts explore their interests in technology and nature apps. Drew introduces the Merlin Bird ID app: “It's literally so lit. Every time we go to Big Sur, I, like, can identify all of the owls and the birds flying around.”

Kai jokes about integrating technology into daily life: “I access all my memory. So you should. You should quit while you're ahead.” Their banter reflects a blend of genuine interest and comedic exaggeration, highlighting their diverse interests.

---

9. Fashion and Nail Art

Timestamp: [26:12 - 28:38]

Kai shares her unexpected venture into nail art: “I need to talk about these nails. I haven't had nails for so long... I got French tiptoes and aquamarine ass, dude.” Drew playfully complains about the new nail shapes causing discomfort during their interactions: “...it hurts so bad.”

The segment showcases their playful dynamic and willingness to mock each other’s fashion choices, adding a layer of relatability for listeners who experiment with personal style.

---

10. Movie and Show Discussions

Timestamp: [52:34 - 58:07]

The conversation shifts to their thoughts on the “Minecraft” movie and other entertainment topics. Drew praises the film unexpectedly: “The movie was lit. It was really funny, actually.” Kai contrasts this by expressing her fear of large events like concerts, revealing her continued anxiety about social gatherings.

They also touch upon reality shows, with Kai expressing skepticism about participating: “None of us would survive Love Island. Not a single one of us.”

---

11. Closing Remarks and Final Anecdotes

Timestamp: [58:07 - End]

As the episode wraps up, the hosts share final thoughts and personal stories, maintaining their humorous and candid rapport. Drew vents about online bullying: “Honestly, kill yourself,” followed by playful banter where Kai joins in, demonstrating their comfortable and unfiltered friendship.

Inya closes with a humorous note about their plans to watch movies, emphasizing the trio’s enduring bond and commitment to lighthearted conversation.

---

Notable Quotes

• Drew Phillips [01:02]: “Oh, Daddy's.”
• Kai [03:03]: “Look at me. Look at me. I don't give a fuck.”
• Inya [05:07]: “Yeah, there's not enough male speculation about female periods.”
• Drew Phillips [07:30]: “I have a gay father. We know this.”
• Kai [16:03]: “I have body soap right now because I took it from Drew.”
• Drew Phillips [34:25]: “What this is, though, that's my uterus.”
• Kai [52:34]: “I need to talk about these nails.”

---

Conclusion

In this episode of Emergency Intercom, Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips, along with their co-host Kai, navigate a whirlwind of topics ranging from personal mishaps and health concerns to social anxieties and humorous takes on fashion and technology. Their candid and comedic interactions offer listeners a blend of laughter, relatability, and genuine camaraderie, making it a standout episode for both regular fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Drew Phillips]

Welcome back to this episode of Emergency Intercom.

[Kai]

Bring back my girls. This weekend is Coachella and shocker to nobody and nobody gives a fuck. But we're not going.

[Drew Phillips]

Couldn't be me. Coachella's ran through.

[Inya]

Oh, Daddy's.

[Drew Phillips]

If you go. If you go to Coachella, like, you're ran through. You're a piece of shit. You're, like, ugly and.

[Kai]

Yeah, such a piece of shit.

[Drew Phillips]

What were you saying, Kai?

[Inya]

Daddy's going.

[Kai]

Oh, that lines up.

[Drew Phillips]

That tracks.

[Kai]

No, I actually, like.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm kind of jealous.

[Kai]

I'm genuinely jealous of people who can be in big crowds and not be terrified and petrified for their life like that sounds. I guess you're petrified. So what are you doing there?

[Inya]

I get scared. I'm gonna try to do it sober this year because last year I drank and I'm. I'm scared it's gonna be really scary for Daddy.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Can you stop saying that?

[Inya]

What?

[Kai]

Coachella, you're annoying.

[Drew Phillips]

No, talking about you being daddy.

[Inya]

Oh, why?

[Kai]

Because that's like.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, you do this, Daddy. You are.

[Inya]

I lowkey give daddy and I give office Siren. But we can talk.

[Kai]

I wouldn't rely my mom like Instagram.

[Drew Phillips]

Kai put on his story offer Siren, and it was a selfie of him. And my mom liked this story.

[Kai]

I love that. No, but I'm not kidding. I. I've been thinking a lot about the fact that I'm not going because I'm jealous because I want to put.

[Drew Phillips]

On a funnel bucket and go. No, I'm gonna go.

[Kai]

The thing is, it genuinely sounds. It sounds fun, but my brain just can't. I can't. I can't.

[Drew Phillips]

Don't. Oh, my God. That was real. Well, since India yells at me right now, she destroyed my brand new bed. Destroyed it.

[Kai]

River, I already replaced this sheet. No, no, Mommy this morning. To tell on me. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

And. Yeah, so we've been painting a bunch, actually. That's funny looking. Oh, no, no, I've been painting. I've been painting But Inya used red oil paint in a painting and spilled it on our hardwood floor in our new house. And it has been sitting there for. For about a month now. And every single time I'm in there, I'm like, oh, watch the oil paint. Watch the oil paint. And I was like, maybe one day she'll clean it up. Maybe. Nope. It gets all over my socks. I track it through the house. I clean it up.

[Kai]

Look at me. Look at me. I don't give a fuck. That's me rolling my eyes rapidly. If you're. If you're listening and you're not watching, I rolled my eyes. Look at me rolling my eyes. I don't give a fuck.

[Drew Phillips]

And every time I'm in there, I'm like, oh, in your. Watch out. Don't step in it. Well, she stepped in it yesterday and got it all over her sweats and her socks. And I was like, oh, be careful, be careful. Whatever. She changed those socks and sweats.

[Kai]

Everyone hates the freedom of an artist who goes with the wind.

[Drew Phillips]

She changed those socks and sweats. Well, then she put new socks on and I don't know when she stepped in a chunk again, but she stepped in a chunk also. It was me, Anya and Josh in my bed and we were like watching this like, person that I found because I famously love finding like weird people on the Internet and absorbing all of their life force energy and making it a part of my life. But she was sitting in my bed and like, I saw. Saw red marks in my bed and I was like, oh my God, she got oil pan on my bed. But I'm in a good place mentally, so I didn't crash out. I just made a little joke. And you did replace it within three minutes, I'll give her that. But Josh was in there with us and the way he literally thought you free bled on my bed. He thought.

[Kai]

I know. He thought I fully started my period.

[Drew Phillips]

Because he was jumping out of bed.

[Kai]

Yeah, he jumped back and he was watching me and Drew interact and we were like just being annoying. Like Drew just doing exactly what he's doing in front of y' all. Just saying, oh my God, you ruined my bed.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, I mean, I literally don't give a.

[Kai]

But I. I know, but it's literally just the. We talked to each other and Josh was watching, but it seemed like I had my period on my bed to him and I wonder. We should have asked him what he thought, cuz I'm sure in his head he was like, damn, no, the way doesn't Give a.

[Drew Phillips]

The way she. Or the way he jumped out of bed and stood like 25ft away from you because he thought it was your period in the bed. And you had her stinky period in my bathroom this morning. Dog surgery 2.0. No, last night. Like, and yet I have her periods in my brain down pat. Like, I know exactly when Inya starting her period.

[Kai]

Ew, you like snapping.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, no, he. No, he supports men supporting women.

[Inya]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Because there's not enough supporting women.

[Drew Phillips]

There's not enough men support for men.

[Kai]

There's not enough men randomly in your life, in your day to day life being like, I think you're going to get your period soon. Like, that's exactly what this is. But I will say Drew is good.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, soon. I'm in with your bronze always.

[Kai]

No, it's not my bronze.

[Drew Phillips]

It's my uterus.

[Kai]

I've got a little toot on me.

[Inya]

Yeah, there's not enough male speculation about female periods.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, female infamous. Emphasis on the female.

[Inya]

Mm.

[Drew Phillips]

No, I'm really in tune with her uterine lining and when it spills out of her body, because it's like the universe speaking through me to you, if that makes sense.

[Kai]

No, it's like a week before I hate myself. I'm ugly. I'm crashing out. I'm freaking the fuck out. Like. Like, I always am freaking out, but, oh, I am freaking the fuck out. And I genuinely am spiraling.

[Drew Phillips]

And then I'm always like, oh, you might be starting your period soon. Next morning, clockwork.

[Inya]

We should get that machine out and connect it to us again.

[Drew Phillips]

You want to be on camera coming so bad.

[Inya]

No, no, we don't. I'm just saying it would be cool. We don't really use it, so maybe we could use it more.

[Kai]

There's something deeply, deeply inside of you. Like, deep inside of you.

[Inya]

Yeah, it's true.

[Kai]

That. Okay. No. And see, that's what I'm talking about.

[Drew Phillips]

That was sick, bro.

[Inya]

I can't. I can't make it.

[Drew Phillips]

That was sick.

[Kai]

There's something inside of you that is terrifying to me.

[Inya]

True.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm terrifying. Drew Phillips. More like Drew fills him up.

[Inya]

Drew Phils. Yep.

[Kai]

Did you come up with that just now?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Oh.

[Drew Phillips]

Drew Phillips. Drew Phil's people up.

[Inya]

People up.

[Kai]

With joy.

[Inya]

With good dick.

[Drew Phillips]

With girthy dick.

[Kai]

Ew, dude, that's disgusting.

[Inya]

Wasn't your name nickname in high school? Drew Drunk Dick Appointment Phillips.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, I famously had a seizure while getting head.

[Kai]

That was a rumor they started about you.

[Drew Phillips]

Huh?

[Kai]

I didn't have Rumors like that I got asked if I was a lesbian in front of my class. That was kind of shit I was getting up to.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, I also had that because I decided to wear suspenders, overalls, short overalls, with a pastel Geographic undershirt, my glasses and Adidas superstars. And I wondered why you looked like.

[Kai]

A motherfucker who didn't play about a Rugrats blog.

[Drew Phillips]

I really, I really did not play with my aesthetic vlog at all. And I wondered. I wondered why I got called the F slur.

[Kai]

Like, I mean, yeah, I was wearing ripped skinny jeans, white Doc Martens, a flannel around my waist, and like, I had long red hair that I only wore in like a side braid for a full year. Like, and it was like a ginger color. It was like red. So I'm not really shocked that anybody had questions, because I had questions myself.

[Drew Phillips]

I still have questions.

[Inya]

I was hella popular.

[Drew Phillips]

I was quarterback.

[Inya]

I was a football player.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, Kai was the quarterback superstar with his letterman jacket every day. He still wears his letter jacket today. Yeah, like, he's wearing it right.

[Kai]

High school, varsity. That was like 20 years ago.

[Inya]

Who cares? It was fucking sick. And everyone was obsessed with me in the town there. He's athletically very impressive.

[Kai]

Yeah. When guy goes back to his neighborhood, literally, there's a parade.

[Drew Phillips]

More like Gaborhood.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. Well, I forgot about the. I forgot to talk about this last week.

[Inya]

That was a really good transition.

[Drew Phillips]

Thank you. I forgot to talk about this last week, but someone came into my house. Someone came into. You are not coming to my house. And sorry, that.

[Kai]

See, I can't drink this topo, chico, cuz I'm about to get really burpee. Sorry. Keep going.

[Drew Phillips]

And mopped our floors and then poured the mop bucket floor water down my 200 year old vintage.

[Kai]

Not too much on my girls though. Like they were having fun.

[Drew Phillips]

No, they poured the mop bucket juice down my sink, which I'm like, oh, I love them. We key we get down. But like, that was a mistake that they should not have.

[Kai]

No, I think they did that at the old apartment too. What we're talking about is our old apartment. We would get it cleaned by our landlord's friend because she employs all her friends. So everyone who comes to work on anything, I don't know them. I know them through my old landlord.

[Drew Phillips]

Who, like, mind you, we would get it cleaned like once every seven months. And they would always yell at us. They would always be like, you need to do it more often because this is it's dirty, it's nasty, it's dusty.

[Kai]

But they. I think they used. I think they always put the mop stuff down the sink because all of our sinks are always up. Yeah. Every sink is clogged, and I don't think the.

[Drew Phillips]

And I put the pieces together.

[Kai]

Yeah. Can make that much hair.

[Drew Phillips]

Because I've yelled at Anya, I've yelled at Josh, I've yelled at myself about shaving, like, in the drains. Like, just shave on the floor and then vacuum it up. Turns out they were just pouring mop bucket juice down.

[Kai]

So it was just like, all of Azul's hair that's stuck to everything on the floor is just, like, in the sink drain. So we have fur line sink.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. The point I'm trying to make is they destroyed. They destroyed that sink. Like, it was so bad that a plumber came in and was like, what happened? Like, how did this happen? He had to take my entire sink out of the ground. Like, take the whole thing, the whole unit out of the ground to unclog it. Well, do you have a picture said that.

[Kai]

That's disgusting.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't have a picture of what was inside, but he said that he was taking my sink out of the ground. But based on this video, I'm thinking he was doing something worse, something far more sinister to my goddamn sink while.

[Kai]

Trying to fix it.

[Drew Phillips]

Yes. Let me find that.

[Kai]

He was the sink. He was the pipes.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, no, literally. I'm not kidding.

[Inya]

No.

[Drew Phillips]

No, no. I. I swear to God. Where's this goddamn video? Before I crash out on a. Like, I'm literally about to crash out.

[Kai]

Dude, when he used.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, here we go. Here we go. He's laying pipe in that.

[Kai]

Oh, I know. I don't like that. I really don't like.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, no. He says, oh, yeah. I mean, I'm telling you, he. My sink in there, and we don't.

[Kai]

Have enough men like that on this planet anymore. That's a real passion for cleaning pipes.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, he probably. It's fixed.

[Kai]

Yeah, I was gonna say that. Oh, yeah. It's probably from getting a big furball out of your sink and feeling the joy that knowing you'll be able to brush your teeth in your own bathroom.

[Drew Phillips]

And the sink is fixed. And I don't ask questions about how he got it done, but I am pretty positive he had sex with the pipes of my sink.

[Kai]

That is insane.

[Inya]

I know. I feel bad for clowning you, but it really does sound like he's giving your sink the work.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, the sink had to wipe Its butt crack. After he was done with it, he.

[Inya]

Gave the sink the type of head where it had to wipe its ass after.

[Kai]

You guys are fucking disgusting.

[Inya]

Wait, Drew, are you okay, by the way? Because, I mean, I don't know if you heard there's a trade war. No, wait, yeah, Trump started a trade war.

[Drew Phillips]

No, like, actual, actual trade.

[Inya]

Yeah, like my tariffs on trade. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

How am I going to afford my trade?

[Kai]

Well, the good news is you didn't have much to begin with, so it's kind of like if I started caring, it's like, I don't have trade in the game. You have trade and. Or no, you don't have enough trading game to care.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm genuinely, like, not okay. Like, I. My trade. Like, what am I gonna do?

[Inya]

Yeah, there's 104 tariffs on trade now.

[Drew Phillips]

No. How am I gonna paint trade? How I need to paint trade? It's like a part of my life. I have a gay father. We know this. I've talked about this before. Saying, grew up.

[Kai]

You know this. We know this. He's famously been married to Drew's mom.

[Drew Phillips]

25 years, 27 years, 28 years. But he grew up Rocky Horror Picture on the screen the whole. Our whole life. He also loves Broadway to a degree that, like, not even I a gaming.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah. He. He comes to LA and the one thing he wants to do is go to shows. That's cool. He's not too.

[Drew Phillips]

He's not coming to LA to see me. He's coming to LA to see the goddamn traveling Neil Diamond Broadway show. Because it's the last show. It's the last time I'll ever see it. Which I'm like, I did see that show and it was actually really good. But, like, why did he see it in New York twice, in Dallas once, and now he's coming to LA to see it a fourth time. Like, that's a gay man. Like, I'm telling you, that is.

[Kai]

That's all he does in New York too. Like, I don't hang out with Drew's parents when they're in New York because all they're doing is going to fucking plays. They go to like, two a day.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, but I love my gay dad. And, like, one day he'll be brave enough to come out of the closet to me.

[Kai]

This is why men can't enjoy anything. If you like theater now, you're gay.

[Drew Phillips]

Yes.

[Kai]

Yeah. Like, actually, yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

If you take selfies as a man, you're gay. If you like theater as a man, you're gay. If you have friends as a man. You're gay.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Inya]

Like, if you hang, like, feeling myself and I want to take a photo and post on Instagram.

[Kai]

Why would you want to do that, though?

[Drew Phillips]

That's the reason other men are in your comment sections saying, thank you. You look good.

[Kai]

Girls are not about to be like, you look so good. You know it's gonna be your boys in your comments. Like, it's not gonna be the girl.

[Inya]

It is always Mason. Yeah, bro. You look good.

[Kai]

I know. Mason is gonna hype both. Like, even the way y' all hype each other up. Men hype each other up in the gayest way ever. It's such a joke for girls because girls do it too. But I'm like, bro, we're like men. The way y' all compliment each other is really freaky. I was doing my laundry while they were, like, in here before we got to the episode, but.

[Drew Phillips]

Kai, do you do laundry?

[Inya]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Gay.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Do you do dishes?

[Inya]

Yes, I do. I. I enjoy it.

[Drew Phillips]

Gay. Do you eat kiwis?

[Inya]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Bisexual.

[Kai]

I don't like kiwis.

[Drew Phillips]

Do you sit out in the sun?

[Inya]

Sometimes when I'm cold.

[Kai]

Oh, that's straight. That's really straight. That was straight.

[Drew Phillips]

And that was borderline geriatrics.

[Kai]

Too much. That was too much. Like, I don't know how to describe it. Like, to be going in the sun because, like, it's fun and the sun is gonna make you happy and, like, it's gonna bring some color to your life.

[Inya]

Like, not. Because I realize that I haven't moved all day and I'm. To my bones. Like, my bones feel cool.

[Drew Phillips]

Bones are.

[Kai]

The thing is, even if that's what it is, you need to lie to yourself. I've been lying to myself a lot, and it works so well. It works like a. Like, I just genuinely. I'm like, today is going to be the best day ever, and it could be the worst day ever. But I'm like, wow.

[Drew Phillips]

I have been going on a lot of walks recently and y' all bitches were not lying about walks, like, every. Like, I'll be, like, having the worst day ever and I'll go on an hour long walk and come back home and life is good. God is good. I've avoided my cardiologist for three years. Dodged all the calls.

[Inya]

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Still dodging them. They. I'm not even kidding. They still call me every once in a while. Well, because also, they're probably just gonna tell me I have a heart murmur or something. And that I'm fine, but, like, just be careful. And I'm like, no, they're just gonna try to get me to stop vaping, and I'm not doing that. You say your cholesterol is too high. Eat healthy.

[Kai]

No, I mean, yeah, I will say all the advice I've gotten from doctors that I could think about, although felt stupid, it was good advice.

[Inya]

I'm just tired of going to the doctors because they're so annoying. I'm always there because of the bugs in my skin. Also, well, my roommate is a battery and I feel like I could probably.

[Drew Phillips]

A battery?

[Inya]

Yeah, he's a battery. And he's always like, recording me and stuff. And then he'll follow me like he's recording me out there. And so I'm always like telling the doctors, like, he's a battery. Like he's a circuit board. Like he's a part of like a larger computer and he's the power source. And they're so annoying. They're like, please go back to your house.

[Drew Phillips]

Go to the hospital.

[Kai]

The real reason I can't, like, because I feel like you really.

[Drew Phillips]

He's a battery. Calling a person of batteries a part of the motherboard.

[Kai]

Wow, that was like the hardest I think you've ever made us laugh.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, congrats.

[Inya]

I think it was. Actually.

[Kai]

No, that was.

[Drew Phillips]

And you're sitting back like, I'm gonna.

[Inya]

Yeah, I feel good about that. I'm gonna put that into the YouTube episode.

[Kai]

Like, honestly, I gave you permission because I was funny as fuck.

[Inya]

Fuck.

[Kai]

What the fuck was I gonna say? Now, see, now I take it back, bitch, because you've thrown me off my, like, trail of thought.

[Inya]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Drew Phillips]

Did I tell them I have, like, got diagnosed with low vitamin D?

[Kai]

No.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, I got put on like a mega dose of vitamin D, which is just a doctor coming over here and railing pipe and give me back shots three times a day.

[Kai]

You have a at home doctor who just comes here to you?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, no, I. I literally went to the doctor, got my blood work done. I do it every year for my birthday. Clean on everything, clean on everything. I have syphilis. No, but get my blood work done. Every year I accidentally. Oh, my fucking God. Wait. I can't believe I forgot to tell this. So we all know that about a year ago I went to a doctor and they just somehow lost my fucking blood. Like, they, they kept. They sent my urine for urinalysis, but the blood they took just vanished into thin air. And I never got the results from my Blood.

[Kai]

That's actually how a lot of movies get their prop blood. Write that down.

[Drew Phillips]

Write that down. No, I really think they cloned me, and I think, like, something sinister or dark is going on. I think they sold my blood to the black market, but they lost my blood. Well, I booked an appointment and then when I pulled up, I was like, oh, my God, this is the same fucking clinic that lost my blood. Well, I clocked their shit. I was like, yeah. Last time I was here, they were like, have you been here before? And I was like, yeah. And they were like, did you get your blood taken? What was the results? And I was like, I did get my blood taken. Y' all didn't give me the results. Like, what the. And they were like, oh, well, we have the results right here. You're negative. And I was like, yeah, right. Don't lie to my face right now. But whatever. They took my blood, everything was chill, except I had high cholesterol and low vitamin. Violently low vitamin D. Like, like, how.

[Kai]

Many milligrams did you get put on? Because they gave him.

[Drew Phillips]

I will. First they were like, oh, like, they. They were like, your vitamin D. So low. You can't just take a vitamin for this. Like, you have to take this prescription strength vitamin D. Haven't been taking it, by the way, because, like, my God, I'm scared of it. Like, destabilizing.

[Kai]

What's destabilizing about it is you are like, you don't have any vitamin D. One time drew out these vitamin D because he doesn't leave the house, which is like, whatever. No, no, I get too much on you. But one time he got into taking vitamin D and he stopped taking it because he said, that's just not normal. It made me feel, like, so happy for a few hours and then I crash. I'm like, yeah, it's because you were fudgeing. Like, you don't have sufficient amounts of vitamin D to keep you fucking stable. Ho.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

No, you should take your vitamins or I'm going to start taking them. I go outside and I want to know what ODing on vitamin D is going to do to me. That's.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I can show you that. Come on, D me up.

[Kai]

You're lucky I don't know where the bottles are. I thought they were right there.

[Drew Phillips]

No, they're gone. I got rid of them. But, yeah, so I have low vitamin D and I don't know where I was going with that story. Oh, I started taking walks. They said, okay, like, take this vitamin D and Then go outside in the sun with 80% of your skin exposed. So I've been going on walks with, like, 30% of my skin exposed, but really, really, like, they're. They weren't lying about those walks. Like, I feel after a walk, I'm so high, I'm so up. I'm like. I'm just baseline, but I just function. Yeah. I function at, like, a level that's below low, just day to day. So when I get that good vitamin D, I'm baseline and I feel good, but I think I'm gonna start taking the vitamin D. But also, I don't feel like I even need to, because I get. I feel like I don't need to because the sun in my room literally sunburns me every.

[Kai]

I know I will say no. I don't know if that's gonna be. I mean, you should just sleep with no sheets on and sleep the other way so your whole body is covered in sun. But I. I've been sleeping in Drew's room every night.

[Drew Phillips]

We actually haven't. Not we. We haven't. We've slept together more than we haven't slept together.

[Kai]

Yeah. Ever since we moved, we've been. Especially ever since you got a bigger bed, we've been sleeping together every night.

[Drew Phillips]

Love that. And I. I always, like, accidentally end up cuddling in. Yeah.

[Kai]

Or vice versa.

[Drew Phillips]

Mm.

[Kai]

There's no accidents here, though.

[Drew Phillips]

But I did cuddle Orion on accident.

[Kai]

I just think if I'm sharing a bed with somebody, just, like, be open to that because that's going to happen.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, we have been doing this thing recently where I make India hug me for 22 seconds because it promotes oxytocin and a bond, and it, like, makes you feel good.

[Kai]

I just got sent this thing today that was talking about how.

[Drew Phillips]

Or a seven second kiss.

[Inya]

Your choice. Be faster.

[Drew Phillips]

One will feel better.

[Kai]

I kind of think the hug would feel better.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm famously a good kisser.

[Kai]

Famously. I mean, famously.

[Inya]

He is really good at kissing.

[Kai]

Ew. You guys are the way that I.

[Inya]

Left a snail trail. The last kiss you gave me. A male snail trail.

[Kai]

Anyway, I read this thing that was talking about how if you cry in front of somebody during, like, a vulnerable moment, it releases a bunch of oxy.

[Drew Phillips]

Oxycontin.

[Kai]

Oxytocin.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. I've been taking a bunch of oxycontin recently to, like.

[Kai]

I just can't stop taking it.

[Drew Phillips]

I just can't. Every time I stop taking it, I, like, break out in sweats and I shake I out of my Ass liquid. My bones feel like they're rattling.

[Kai]

It feels like a hangover that never ends. But also, it's like a hangover, but I actually accidentally did, like, K2.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. And I see, like, babies crawling on the ceiling. Like, I hallucinate bad, so then I just take it and I feel better. It's, like, really crazy. Actually, guys, I went through opium withdrawal at one point in my life. Suck my dick and balls. Like, literally, actually.

[Kai]

I mean, opioids are lucky they haven't seen me coming, because y' all will lose me. Hey, you don't never want to lose me. Right now I want to lose me.

[Inya]

Wait, Drew, do you know the guy? You know, it's like this bald guy with a beard that says crazy shit about, like, his penis.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, his stink portal.

[Inya]

Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what that guy's name is? I wanted to pull it up.

[Drew Phillips]

No, I don't know what his name.

[Inya]

Because he's always talking about in the sun.

[Drew Phillips]

I've been liking all of his posts on IG recently.

[Inya]

Let me look it up.

[Drew Phillips]

And actually, you know, it's so funny. Oh, my God. Is. I'll be scrolling through my reels on my side account that I follow him on. And he likes literally everything. Like, he likes every video ever. It's, like, really crazy.

[Kai]

That's kind of amazing. I want to get more into liking things. I'm not even kidding. Like, liking things on Instagram and Tick Tock. Because I'll see something that I like, but I don't like it, and I want to just get into liking. Guys, we should spread the love and go and, like, all of my IG pictures right now.

[Drew Phillips]

It's Will Blunderfield.

[Inya]

This is him, right?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. I found his ig. Oh, I just had a beautiful release.

[Kai]

I hate this. So mushroomy this mushroom is. I actually. That makes me so mad. That's disgusting. Like, that is disgusting that every once.

[Drew Phillips]

In a while, a picture of his will pop up on my feed, and it's like him playing the piano naked on stage in front of, like, 500 people 17 years ago. And I'm like, what is his life? But he talks about his stink portal, and that guy should.

[Kai]

Disgusting? Is that what he's calling his fucking wiener?

[Drew Phillips]

His butthole? And he thinks guys should, like, hook up more often because it promotes masculinity.

[Kai]

I mean.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, and, like, getting another man's semen inside of you is, like, the most masculine thing you can do. And it calling. Yeah, getting his hummus inside of your stink pork.

[Kai]

I mean, like, Honestly, to each their own. But I can see where he's coming from on that idea.

[Drew Phillips]

What do you got in your notes, babe? What do you got to say?

[Kai]

Crazy.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, I need to know what you got to say.

[Kai]

Okay, well, first of all, I need to acknowledge my name, the elephant in the room. Like, my nails. I need to talk about these nails. I haven't had nails for so long. So long. And I did not intend on getting nails, let alone aquamarine cat eye, shiny nails that are coffin shape, which I don't think is my. Or almond shape, which I don't think is my shape.

[Drew Phillips]

I see. I like that shape on you.

[Kai]

I think. Well, I like. I don't hate them. I'm actually really glad with the decisions I made. I got French tiptoes and aquamarine ass, dude.

[Drew Phillips]

No, actually, I literally hate that shape on you because, like, when you're playing with my butthole, it, like, literally hurts so bad.

[Kai]

I'm not kidding.

[Inya]

Like, don't look at me after you say that.

[Kai]

There is no amount of money you could pay me to go anywhere near a man's butthole.

[Drew Phillips]

Even mine.

[Kai]

No, no, no.

[Drew Phillips]

Really?

[Kai]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Drew Phillips]

My stink portal.

[Kai]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. I honestly, I'm not gonna push back on that because I agree.

[Kai]

It's just disgusting.

[Drew Phillips]

Buttholes. Dudes. Hooking up with dudes is so fucking okay.

[Kai]

No, girl, I didn't mean to all like that. That's just not my cup of tea. That's fucking disgusting. Disgusting to me, personally, I would just never go near a man's butt. That's nasty. I just, like. I think naturally, I think men are dirty, but I've just always, like, felt that in my.

[Drew Phillips]

I. We men are nasty and dirty and stinky. But your nails.

[Kai]

Oh, I was taken. But I bite my nails really bad, and I just can't stop unless I have my nails done, but I just can't stop coming. I just can't stop coming. But my nails were really gnarly, so my friend took me to get my nails done. My friend being rain. And I was like, okay, I'm just gonna go in and get, like, a regular mani pedi. And I went in, and then I.

[Drew Phillips]

Was just kind of like, this happen, bro.

[Kai]

That's what I'm saying.

[Drew Phillips]

I think you asked for these and you're trying to cover it.

[Kai]

No, no. Okay, so here's how it went. My nails were really up.

[Drew Phillips]

How the did this happen?

[Kai]

My nails. My nails were really up, bro. And I don't do nails anymore. For my own personal reasons, whatever. Like, this isn't Decisions, decisions in this life, I would rather have short nails. But why.

[Drew Phillips]

Did you get those nails?

[Kai]

Okay, thank you. But yeah, I went in there and I was like, honestly, I would like a longer nail. Like, I haven't had long nails in a while. Like, I'd be down for a long nail, but I usually get, like a coffin shape. And then I showed my nails to the girl and I was like, oh, can I get extension extensions or like, just like something short? I was like, I want something really short. And she just looked at my hands and she was like, no, almond. And I was just like, what? And she was like, I think for your hands, like, short almond shape. And then I was like, okay. And I just let her do it and she just did it. And then I was looking at the colors and I was looking at some glitters, and then she pointed at this one or a really bright red version of this. And I just was like, I don't know. Like, I don't know. And I couldn't decide. And she kept asking me. So then I just pointed to the blue and I was like, that's. I'm going to do. I'm going to do that one, I guess. Like that. That's a good one. I don't know. She told me to do it, so I fudgeing did it. Like, I'm really easily. I'm really like, it doesn't take much. I'm just like, sure, I'll go. And. And honestly, like, I knew when I said yes, I had like 30 minutes to back up on that decision, but I was too much of a pussy to be like, actually, I don't like your idea. I don't want to do your idea.

[Drew Phillips]

I was just. Wait, wait. Can you not use that word? It's really degrading towards women.

[Kai]

What? Which one?

[Drew Phillips]

The P word.

[Kai]

What word did I say? I don't.

[Drew Phillips]

You said, kai, watch your mouth. Sorry. Keep going. I'll allow you to keep going.

[Inya]

And thank you for calling me out.

[Kai]

I'm not allowed to say, but what was I saying?

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

And then I just left and I felt insane because I've never had a color like this and I've never had French tip toes. And I'm just like, I feel bad, crazy, but at least it's going to be sunny this week.

[Drew Phillips]

I know. It really is. The sun is out. The sun is out.

[Kai]

I was like, damn, this is how I know. Like, I've kind of gone un poco loco. Because this is never something I would have done, but I'm kind of into it. I think, like, I want to go get them replaced with like French tip.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, why don't you just paint them a different color?

[Kai]

You. You know nothing. That was the craziest thing you could have ever said. You know nothing. If only it was that simple.

[Drew Phillips]

If it was that you are small. You are. You are. I could destroy you.

[Kai]

Idiot.

[Drew Phillips]

You're an idiot. Anya yells at me like that. She calls me small and weak.

[Kai]

Oh my God. Oh, no. The now I'm the bad guy. What?

[Drew Phillips]

She says you're small. You're weak. She says you're small. You're weak. Your jaw is too wide. Your haircut is up. Wait, Kai, how do I look today?

[Inya]

Really good. Oh my God, your hair looks really good. And your skin looks super clear. Also, I haven't watched my Beautiful as well.

[Drew Phillips]

I haven't washed my face in three days. Just with water. I've been. I've decided that I wanted to stop you. That is literally a lie. I washed my face last night. Never mind. I take that back.

[Kai]

You know what's up is I know what road you're going down. And that's why I'm saying like, it's okay if we're crazy people because this is just what it is. I know because I recently I have for the past few months been in a mental state where like I am not buying anything for my self care. That's a whole other thing. I have body soap right now because I took it from Drew, but there was genuinely like a week. What you said the beaver.

[Inya]

Well, he's not gonna say the other word.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Inya]

Out of respect.

[Drew Phillips]

Sorry. Keep going. Yeah, I had soap.

[Kai]

I had bars of soap.

[Drew Phillips]

And ya. Has not been buying anything for herself. She. For the first time in my life, I felt. I feel like what it probably felt like for you when I didn't buy anything for myself for like a year.

[Kai]

And you would just take my.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

What I've been doing.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, I don't give a shit. Like literally zero part of me cares, but like it is hilarious.

[Kai]

But within that like spiral that's been happening this whole year because it kind of started at the top of the year, maybe even later, like after the holidays. Like I just, I haven't been by that shit. And genuinely there was a passing thought where I was like, I was standing in my bathroom with looking and I was like, dude, I need to make a list of things I'm missing because I'm at the Point where, like, I just have all these expired creams, and I'm like, I hope this works.

[Drew Phillips]

I hope it pays off this time.

[Kai]

This time.

[Drew Phillips]

India's wearing a skirt. What the was that?

[Kai]

And my toes are out.

[Drew Phillips]

What the fuck was that?

[Inya]

I didn't even think about that. That was just a bit.

[Kai]

That. Oh, no. Was the realest on camera because you look so good.

[Drew Phillips]

That was so funny.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Why are you taking pictures of us?

[Inya]

I was just trying to do a creepy bit. I don't know.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, it wasn't a bit. It was just kind of just worked out. No, that was hilarious.

[Kai]

That was amazing.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm glad you did that.

[Kai]

You are so brave and bright, and I love that about you, dude.

[Drew Phillips]

I immediately backtracked the second I thought. The second. The second you were like, oh, God.

[Kai]

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I went with the delusion that I literally was like, maybe, like, I was meant to be, like, a more natural person where I only use one soap on my whole entire body, and it's the same soap for my hair and my body. And, like, my. Like, maybe I just, like, stopped doing all, like. It literally was me going into a world of, like, these things are too worldly. Like, I was, like, standing around, I.

[Drew Phillips]

Was like, no, that's good.

[Kai]

Moisturizer is too war.

[Drew Phillips]

No.

[Kai]

Okay. No, moisturizer is not too worldly because we're kind of being sold the idea to stink because I think I'm going back to, like, the OG Deodorants and shit. That's kind of where I landed.

[Drew Phillips]

So I don't know. I was gonna say I've been looking at my products recently, and that's why I took, like, a small little break, because I was like, what am I putting on my skin? Like, what are these chemicals? Like, they're absorbed. Like, this is my biggest organ, and I'm just lathering it in fucking Kims and cybernetics. Like, literally, what is going on?

[Kai]

Yeah, I stopped buying all.

[Inya]

I take a hit from a vape.

[Drew Phillips]

Before I hit my vape and drink.

[Kai]

That's why I, like, reeled back in my delusion, because I was like, this is too worldly. And then I'd be like, okay, where's my weed pen? Where's my vape? I'm a put both of those in my pocket.

[Drew Phillips]

I think, actually, there's an argument that vapes and weed pins aren't of this world.

[Inya]

Alien technology.

[Drew Phillips]

It's either alien technology or it is. Does feel like I kind of believe. I believe that technology Is God. Like, these cables are God. I have. I'm starting to believe that it does feel like a.

[Inya]

Some sort of, like, foreshadowing to, like, the singularity or something. Seeing somebody plug a vape into a laptop to charge it, and then they, like, inhale.

[Drew Phillips]

I actually charge my computer with my.

[Kai]

That's actually how I access all my memory. So you should. You should quit while you're ahead.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Anytime I forget something, I just plug it into my laptop and I hit it, and I'm like, oh, I have texts to reply to. I just got all the notifications in my head.

[Inya]

Sorry, Drew, what happened?

[Kai]

Something started thinking about technology. He literally. I'm not that. I already know that, though. That's why I had to break it, because I was like, dude, you guys are going down a path where Drew's actually in the get scared. Like, he can't reel it in. Like, me. Like, I can get a bit cuckoo. And I'm like, okay, loco. Like, let's back up. Drew will go. He's gone.

[Inya]

I saw his eyes dilate.

[Drew Phillips]

I literally got so scared.

[Kai]

Drew's version of, like, his brain is that song that's like Wild Horses. And instead of not the Sundays one, the other one.

[Drew Phillips]

The prince one.

[Kai]

No. Oh, not the prince one and not the pre frap, prefab.

[Drew Phillips]

The AC DC one.

[Kai]

Whichever one's on fucking TikTok that y' all are going outside and recording to Drew's brain is that. But Wild Horses is playing, and it's literally, like, ideas of horrors and robots taking over mankind.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. It's less about robots, and it's just more about existentialism.

[Kai]

I can just turn that off. That's what I do.

[Inya]

I'm so jealous of that.

[Drew Phillips]

No, I'm serious. I really. I thinking of being turned into. I was really starting to think, like, oh, like. Like, meditation for me is broken. Like, I try to meditate and my brain runs free, and da, da, da, da, da, da. I don't know where I was going with that. I lost it. Wait, I was gonna say something. Dreams, dreams, dreams.

[Kai]

My law across the land is. What were you saying? What time did Charles. You were, like, three baggas. Like, you kept repeating to him your in and out order, and you kept doing it like a prince. And I could never, like, redo the voice. You did.

[Drew Phillips]

I literally have no idea what you're talking.

[Kai]

I want to ask Josh. I don't remember if it was you or Josh, though it might have been Josh, because that sounds way funnier coming from Josh.

[Inya]

Do you Remember, I think it was your birthday where we had this, like, up order at In N Out. It was like 30 burgers or something.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Inya]

And then you roll down the window. It's like a girl who, like, knew about the podcast.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. You're like, I felt so bad because it was like 400 burgers and it was like, for like 30 people. And it was.

[Kai]

30 people was also like. It was our whole. Yeah, it was like 10 people.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. And then I got everybody burgers. Paid for it with my card.

[Kai]

Oh, my.

[Drew Phillips]

And I didn't even get my burger. Someone ate my burger. Oh, also, I went to In N Out. I was like, you know what? Like, I'm going to eat as fuck. Like, I'm going to eat down. I haven't really been eating good this last week. Like, I'm going to eat as. Like, I'm going to go crazy. And I have my order down pat. I get a double. I get a double with cheese, whole grilled onions, and then I get a Flying Dutchman with the grilled onions on the outside and I get cheese fries and I get a cherry Coke. And then I get three.

[Inya]

What's your cholesterol?

[Kai]

Cholesterol.

[Drew Phillips]

I have high vitamin D. Yeah, I have high cholesterol, y' all. It's really bad.

[Kai]

It's a night ago.

[Drew Phillips]

It's not technically high cholesterol. It's like 0.2 points above normal of this, like, protein or some shit that is attached to high cholesterol. So I don't have high cholesterol, but I claim I have high cholesterol because it's funny. But I also get three orders of peppers because you can bite the tips off and squeeze this spicy juice on your burgers and fries. And then I get two packs of spread. Well, I did my whole order. Came home, checked the bag, no fries, no cheese fries. Didn't give me my fries. Gave me a regular burger, no cheese, whole onions, not grilled. And then gave me just a slice of meat with a melted piece of cheese on top. I did get my cherry Coke, no peppers. What is this about?

[Kai]

Honestly, my vibe. If I were there, literally, like, I would just be going crazy. I would have a pen in my back pocket and I would just be high as making whatever the fuck came to my mind.

[Drew Phillips]

It's like that Club Penguin game or that cake making game. The pizza making game in Club Penguin. That's what. But no, yeah, it is a complicated order. And it's like, whatever. And In N Out is ran through and I really do feel Bad for those workers every time I. Because I don't know.

[Kai]

Establishment on the fucking planet.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, I'm not even kidding. Like. Like the saying, they're braver than the Marines. Like, they literally are. Zamar worked that in and out for.

[Kai]

A. Yeah, I remember. And then he worked at Trader Joe's for a second after that. Or maybe I'm tripping. I'm pretty sure he did.

[Inya]

Well, I'll. I'll just have, like, some almonds throughout the day, and I'll be full.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, I eat a couple ice chips.

[Inya]

I'll have some water with ice.

[Drew Phillips]

And you eat.

[Kai]

I kind of eat whatever my heart desires. Like, I literally. Like, if something's around, I'll eat it.

[Drew Phillips]

I know.

[Kai]

And I'll make fun of it.

[Drew Phillips]

You're in. You're in my era. Like, my garbage disposal era.

[Kai]

I'm in my eater era.

[Drew Phillips]

And I'm in your feeder.

[Kai]

Yeah, you are my feeder. Drew always gets me food, and then I just eat his scraps. That's actually. I guess I kind of have been the garbage disposal this week. That's been my duty is anybody who has food left around. I've just been eating it. And also, I think if I'm gonna die from some freak accident, it's probably gonna be food bacteria or, like. Yeah, like botulism or some. Because since I was a kid, my biggest failure is putting something that's warm in the fridge too soon. And then I don't know really what happens. I just know people die from that. I can't get myself to look it up, because then I will think about it every waking moment.

[Inya]

You're not supposed to put warm stuff in the fridge.

[Kai]

You'll die if it's in a hot container, because condensation and, like, it'll, like, speed up bacteria growth.

[Drew Phillips]

It's like the temperature stays in the sweet spot for bacteria to grow longer, so you're supposed to wait for it to get room temperature and then put it in. Oh, damn. I don't believe that.

[Kai]

But also, I grew up with a family who would make big tubs of stuff soup and leave it on the stove. And the way we kept it good was you would heat it up every day till you ran it.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, that makes sense to me.

[Kai]

Yeah, you kill the bacteria, you're burning it. And that's why my. My immune system is so strong.

[Drew Phillips]

Have I told them about the crows yet?

[Kai]

Oh, my God. No, don't.

[Drew Phillips]

There's been so many crows say that around this house, like, and it's starting to Feel like when I thought people were filming me through my window and the headlights were speaking to me, there are so many crows around the house.

[Kai]

I think you should definitely just look into the.

[Drew Phillips]

I also got a picture of them.

[Kai]

The. What's it called?

[Drew Phillips]

I think it might be a good.

[Inya]

Omen, so I wouldn't worry about that.

[Kai]

I think also it's famously spring, and they might just be literally moving.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, yeah. I got a picture of them, and I honestly think it might be us in a past life. Where is it? Or it might be us in every life.

[Kai]

So the evil omen is the crows that have been following you around. And you saw two crows, and that's us.

[Drew Phillips]

But they've. I've saw them this morning. I saw them all day yesterday.

[Kai]

I can't lie. Can we go bird watching?

[Drew Phillips]

Literally, Please? Are you kidding me? I would love to go, everybody, right now.

[Kai]

I'm gonna put this.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, wait, no, those.

[Kai]

I didn't see anything else, but. You're so annoying.

[Drew Phillips]

But no, I'm gonna put on this app that my mom showed me. It's called Merlin Bird id. You put in, like, what, like, area. Area you live in or what area you're visiting. And you have to download bird packs, like, specific to, like, the region you're in. And you click the record button and it listens for birds in your area. And then based off of the bird call that the app hears, it tells you what bird you're hearing.

[Kai]

Oh, that's.

[Drew Phillips]

And it's literally so lit. Every time we go to Big Sur, I, like, can identify all of the owls and the birds flying around.

[Inya]

Sniffies for birds.

[Drew Phillips]

What? Sniffies?

[Kai]

Yeah, you're gonna have to explain what Sniffies.

[Inya]

You guys know what. You know what Sniffies is? You especially.

[Kai]

Is it like a Febreze thing? Like an air.

[Inya]

No, it's.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, it's. It's. It's. If you're sick.

[Inya]

No, it's like.

[Kai]

Oh, it's your brand congestion.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Kai]

No, keep going. It's just. He's getting.

[Inya]

It's like this.

[Drew Phillips]

But is my mic good? Sorry, I just pulled the cable.

[Inya]

It's like this app where there's, like, penises and then you can, like, go. You can go suck them, basically based off of, like, your radius. This is what I've heard. This is what you've told me, but.

[Drew Phillips]

Apparently pointing to me.

[Inya]

So I'm just saying, like, we've talked about this one time off Larchmont. Do you know what it's like Burger Lounge. I think I was really depressed in like 2018. We know this. But I would, like, go in there all the time and there's this really cute girl that worked at the cash register. And I was always like, she's really pretty, but straight up couldn't even make eye contact with her. One time I was there when it was like, pretty late. I was like, the only one in the restaurant. And then she came up and was like, hey, like, do you want a free lemonade? I. I just like, made this if you want it. And then I was like, thank you. And I just like, got up and left. But I always think about that whenever I. Whenever I pass by the restaurant. I'm like, where is she? I up.

[Kai]

Dude, she quit. You scared the out of her. She's like this guy who comes in here all the time. I finally go to him and he took it and ran away. He's gonna come following me. Yeah, no, that's sweet. I feel like that's one of those things where it's like how things sound when it's from somebody you like versus somebody you don't know well. And it's that tick tock, we were cracking up. It's like, dude, his weird ass drove 15 minutes out of his way to give me a coffee. Like, he knew my order. And if that comes from someone you know, it's like, oh, like, that's literally so sweet.

[Drew Phillips]

If someone drives 15 minutes to give you a coffee at and it's someone you don't want, it's.

[Kai]

If somebody does anything for me, I question it because I have issues.

[Drew Phillips]

But that's everything and nothing to me back there.

[Kai]

And stalker.

[Inya]

I think this was years ago. She's probably like a CEO of some company now.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, she's probably wild and she's like.

[Kai]

Remember she's going to make one of those pictures going to be you. And it's going to be like that time that I gave this sad guy the lowest point.

[Drew Phillips]

That guy, he's a motivational speaker now. And it's like the lowest point of her life was when she was attracted to.

[Inya]

It was rock bottom for me also.

[Kai]

You're such a tweak because I'm sure you could have spoken to her and I guess maybe y' all weren't meant to date. She probably found like a guy who could, like build a table and stuff.

[Inya]

Yeah, she probably got a guy that better days for her protect her and which is fine. I'm happy for her. Whatever.

[Drew Phillips]

Every single night.

[Kai]

Every single night.

[Drew Phillips]

And every single day Every single night in bed, I grapple with the idea of if I should go to sleep or if I should spend $60 in bed every night.

[Kai]

I guess. Yeah. I mean, using your phone now is literally like, I really hope I use this and I don't buy something stupid.

[Drew Phillips]

Should I sleep or spend $60?

[Kai]

Mine is, should I sleep or should I. Actually, this wave of motivation and lust for life I have. Should I sit on this and stay up all night and have the best day of my life tomorrow? And then I usually end up going to bed.

[Inya]

4:00Am the best night ever. Chicken jockey.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

Whoa. Okay, wait. Actually, the.

[Drew Phillips]

Was that.

[Kai]

Have y' all seen. What is it called? Million Dollar Secret?

[Drew Phillips]

You know I haven't seen that.

[Kai]

Well, I know you haven't seen a. I was asking this.

[Drew Phillips]

Why'd you look at me?

[Kai]

I didn't want to say y' all out of question. Fine, I'll just talk to Kai. Have you seen Million Dollars?

[Inya]

I have no idea what that is.

[Kai]

Okay, I'm gonna explain to you what it is. It's this reality show that from what I'm gathering, is kind of like a copycat of just like a Jubilee or a Mole game, whatever. Whatever. The semantics of it don't matter to me, but it's basically one person has a million dollars and they have to lie to the whole cast that they're on this game show with about who has the million dollars in the last liar standing gets to walk away with it. But the most interesting part about this fucking show is they give them these weird tasks. So they already have to lie to everybody that they know or they've just met, but they get these weird ass tasks that push them higher in the game so, like, their vote will count for more, just like they'll keep the money for longer. Like that. One of them was cracking me up because I was like, what? She had to mention she had to get other members of the game to say the name Justin Timberlake out loud. And I just want to know how y' all would do that, because I want to know how y' all would lie right now. How would you get me to say that name?

[Inya]

Oh, I would be like, what's the.

[Drew Phillips]

Guy that had the DUI recently that did the press conference?

[Kai]

I wouldn't know.

[Inya]

Who's the guy that did, like, dick in a box with Andy Samberg? Who was that?

[Drew Phillips]

I wouldn't know that either.

[Kai]

Lady Gaga. That was Lady Gaga.

[Inya]

Oh, I'm gonna see her at Coachella. I'm gonna see Abracadabra.

[Kai]

Wait, she out there? Is she. Is she doing Coachella?

[Drew Phillips]

I'm pretty sure she is. Saturday.

[Kai]

Wait, since when?

[Drew Phillips]

Since always. That's why I'm like, we should maybe go first. Saturday.

[Inya]

That'll be really fun.

[Drew Phillips]

Saturday, Saturday. Sunday. Just Saturday, though.

[Kai]

No, I can't. I don't think any of it. Like, I'm not kidding. All of my negative projections onto the experience of Coachella come from the deep, deep truth that I just can't enjoy those kind of things because I am actually petrified of being around that many.

[Drew Phillips]

People every single night.

[Kai]

And that's why, when I go get you, I have to have, like, two drinks, because I seriously think someone's gonna kidnap me or stab me or push me or kill me.

[Drew Phillips]

This is how I would do it. Oh, what's the. What's the guy who has the song, baby? His first name.

[Kai]

Justin.

[Drew Phillips]

And what would you say is a tree? That's fine.

[Kai]

Well, the thing is not suspicious, so she had to get three. Wait, what was the second part?

[Drew Phillips]

A tree by a body of water.

[Kai]

A tree by a lake.

[Drew Phillips]

But what's another name for a tree? Oak wood.

[Kai]

Oak tree. Oak wood. I don't know.

[Drew Phillips]

That's my middle school. Oakwoods.

[Kai]

Oakwoods.

[Drew Phillips]

We were the roadrunners.

[Inya]

I would say. Who's that guy that Drew sold poppers to that one time?

[Kai]

Oh, Justin Timberlake.

[Drew Phillips]

That is Justin Timberlake.

[Kai]

But you have to get people to say it three times. And also, everyone who's playing the game with you is watching everybody, because it, like. And another one was of them was like, some crazy. It's. Oh, you have to get three people to scream with you, but everybody's looking out to see who's screaming. It's just such a good game, and I want to play it so bad, but I feel like I'd be like, this one girl who. Who was just trying so hard to just, like, she hadn't been the millionaire yet, so she had nothing to lose. And she was like, I'm just gonna be, like, very transparent this whole game. And everyone turned on her, and she had a panic attack, and then she left. No, it was really sad.

[Inya]

I need to see that, because I have this visceral, like, idea that if I was ever on one of those dating shows, I would have a panic attack on camera. Oh, I could not think of a worse thing for me to be.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, I guess live dating on camera.

[Kai]

Dude, none of us would survive Love Island. Not a single one of us.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know a single person that has the brain chemistry For Love island.

[Kai]

Like, you really have to be about it.

[Drew Phillips]

Y' all know about Traders?

[Kai]

Traders, yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

But, like, it's resonating with me.

[Kai]

I have to tap in. I just like, honestly, game shows are so good. And this might be crazy, but I think I like the Millionaire. Or what is it called again? Million Dollar Secret. I think I like it because it's the first time in a while I have felt to my core that the producers are with this game like they you every task is so pointed and like them just giving clues to these and you're watching everybody just like from one second to another be like, oh, oh, okay. Like, everyone is going insane and I am so curious. And I also just like, I love watching people lie. I love the way you lie by Rihanna.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, if you love lying so much, you're pretty.

[Kai]

That's to me, is. Isn't even a bad lie because the correct one is I'm gorgeous. So pretty actually doesn't even. Pretty goes over my head. It's like, pretty. Try again. And for me, I would be lying by saying, like, you are worthy.

[Drew Phillips]

So I'm worthless. Yeah. No, I am worthless.

[Kai]

Guys, today can we have an arts and crafts day where we make each other motivational posters?

[Drew Phillips]

No, we need to go to the gym. We haven't been to the gym in, like three months. So bad.

[Inya]

You just sent me a shirtless photo in the gym.

[Kai]

Why is he yelling at me to go to the gym?

[Drew Phillips]

That's the crazy thing.

[Kai]

We need to go to the gym.

[Inya]

I want to apologize for my radar for protecting women. Not going to off just then because usually it's perfect.

[Kai]

And I apologize for my gayar going off so crazy that you guys could probably hear it through my brain because y' all are so gay.

[Drew Phillips]

Actually, I hear nothing. I hear nothing. And that's impossible. So, yeah, we went to the Minecraft movie. Well, they didn't. I went to the Minecraft movie and it was lit.

[Kai]

Okay, Me and Kai are going to go see it.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, y' all have fun.

[Inya]

My friend saw it and she said that she had a really, really violently visceral sex dream about Jack Black after.

[Kai]

Honestly, I can't even hate on that because, like, I kind of feel it.

[Drew Phillips]

I can get down. Yeah, I can get down with that.

[Inya]

He looks good on snl. Have you seen when he's Young on snl? He's sexy.

[Drew Phillips]

Jason Momoa, too. I'll let slide. No, but I don't like that buff. The. The movie was lit. It was really funny, actually. Like, I thought I Thought I was gonna be like, go into it and just like laugh at how terrible it was. But it is a bad movie. Objectively, it's a bad movie. But like if you let yourself love.

[Kai]

It, if you let your imagination run.

[Drew Phillips]

Free, like a Minecraft movie would. Would want you to do, it was awesome. It was really, really funny. And I found out 30 seconds before the movie started that the guy that made Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre made Minecraft movie. And that changed everything for me. I mean, there were so many moments where I was like literally actually laughing.

[Kai]

Laughing at that I need to go see it.

[Drew Phillips]

But I did wish I did wish I saw it like after Saturday or Sunday. Saturday, Sunday. Because like the hive mind like decided like the parts that they're gonna cheer out, like it was like a Barbenheimer moment where like everyone was like, yeah, we're gonna have fun in this movie. People weren't really having fun yet. And I would go see it again just to like cheer in the theater. Like everybody cheers at the AMC lady.

[Kai]

That's like gays people version of sports is going, is banding together over some weird ass movie and all going to the theater and screaming at the screen. Like that is literally the closest that and like the Fortnite, because Fortnite, they are one universe away, the universe being Steven Universe, from having the broadest range of gay people to ever play one singular video game. And I genuinely. It lost me for a second, but they got the Sabrina Carpenter skin, the emotes. They have Adventure Time. Like, like there's a, there's a siren being yelled out by Epic Games for gay people to unite on Fortnite. And that's what I think of movie theaters. It's kind of like when gay people put on like music videos in their living room.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

To me, going to see Minecraft is that. And it's necessary.

[Drew Phillips]

So one of my friends recently asked me. They were at a gay night and they were watching music videos and they asked for my opinion. They asked for, they asked for what I should put on.

[Kai]

Oh my God, that's amazing.

[Inya]

What's the Lady Gaga music video? That's like a short film.

[Drew Phillips]

Telephone.

[Inya]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Is it for Telephone with Beyonce?

[Inya]

No, there's like one where it's 12 minutes.

[Drew Phillips]

I was watching with telephone's Beyonce or telephone's 12 minutes. Oh, it's kind of like she picks.

[Kai]

Her up from jail.

[Inya]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like she does the like, like where they speed up and she walks around, you know, exact. But like there's this one part where.

[Drew Phillips]

She'S like, exactly what I'm talking about.

[Kai]

Oh, my God, guys. A Beyonce concert later this month.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Wow. And you know what the scariest part is? I remember when that album came out, and I was like, I don't even have to think about going to that concert for, like, so long.

[Drew Phillips]

It's here, here.

[Kai]

I think last time when we went to Renaissance, I didn't really do too much with my fit. I actually almost wore that shirt today. The, like, tank top that had my boobs falling out because my boobs shrunk so I thought would fit in that shirt. And I bent over, and my boobs were out, and I was like, this shirt is literally just not meant to be worn by me. But I think I want to go crazy with, like, a fit. I'm just. I think I'm, like, kind of losing it. Like, I want. I'm bored. I want to see what the girls are talking about. All you Coachella girls who get your fits together. I want to see what all the fuss is about, because the happiest people ever. So I want to start getting, like, really obnoxiously made outfits for events. And they're not going to be my events. It's for Beyonce's concert. But that's my first big boom moment.

[Drew Phillips]

The last thing I want to talk about is how humans think they were created in God's image, but it was actually horseshoe crabs. They haven't evolved in millions and millions and millions of years. They haven't changed a centimeter, a millimeter. And that's what God looks like.

[Inya]

And doesn't everything evolve into a crab eventually?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Inya]

Yeah. They're like the final form, efficient physical embodiment.

[Kai]

And that's why now they're sold at fairs.

[Drew Phillips]

That's why we'd eat them.

[Kai]

Yeah. That's why, like, I actually have, like, friends in Miami who vlog going down there.

[Drew Phillips]

Their blue blood is, like, the most expensive liquid in the world.

[Kai]

Blue blood.

[Drew Phillips]

This blood is really expensive, and it's good for, like, medical medicine. Also. Also, if horseshoe crabs start evolving, that's when we know the damage we've done is irreparable.

[Inya]

Wow.

[Kai]

So when's the last time we seen one of those motherfuckers? Because I want to check up.

[Drew Phillips]

I want to see what's going on.

[Kai]

Let me know.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Because it feels like she's. She's changing in her sleep, and we don't even notice it yet.

[Drew Phillips]

Also, actually, this is the last thing I'll mention. This shit pissed me the off in a crazy way. This Would. This really infuriated me. Like, this pissed me the off. I got tagged in this video way, way too many times for it to be okay. This is. It was bullying. It was bullying at that point. Like, that's. That's crazy.

[Inya]

That. That. That does remind me of you.

[Drew Phillips]

Honestly, kill yourself.

[Kai]

Oh, you make me want to kill myself.

[Inya]

Wait, any. Because I want to. I want to focus on this.

[Kai]

Ew, Kai, that's nasty. Like, actually, sometimes you. You like. No, no, I'm sorry. Ooh.

[Drew Phillips]

Let's go through the email and see if I can find some doppelgangers or some psyops. Blake Bennett holding it down still. I'm not kidding. He sent me. Like, he said. Oh, wait, this is a. This is one he said on his own. Lesbian grinder is called Finger F I n G R. Potheads will find any reason to smoke. Damn, that ugly. Let me roll up.

[Kai]

That's me, bruh.

[Drew Phillips]

Literally, you.

[Kai]

Damn, that is ugly.

[Drew Phillips]

What's the. What do you mean you saw Yoji?

[Kai]

I can't stand smoking with paranoid bitches. Fuck you mean, you see Yoji Yamamoto in the corner?

[Drew Phillips]

This is just a certified classic. Some of y' all AirPods. Some. Some of yalls. AirPods look like they were in your ass, not your ear.

[Kai]

Classic. Classic.

[Drew Phillips]

Whoa, this one's good. This one's really, really, really good. You got money for Dubai chocolate but didn't pay your rent? That was due by the first.

[Kai]

Wow.

[Drew Phillips]

Damn, these Thanksgiving leftovers are still hitting Drew. It's April.

[Kai]

Happy Easter. Is Easter this weekend? I think I need to do an Easter egg hunt, so that's kind of where I'm at right now, but I just want to do it. If somebody puts, like, a 20 in one of the eggs, I want, like, a 20 for free. That I hunt.

[Drew Phillips]

I'll do. We can do that in the backyard.

[Kai]

That'd be fun.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Should we host, like, a. I mean, we don't have grass, but we can hide them.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Some of y' all aren't queer, but you sure are LGBT, lying, gossiping, and bitching well into your 30s.

[Kai]

I've never seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but I can only assume this trio is that Kai would eat.

[Drew Phillips]

As, like, the guy that got nominated because.

[Kai]

What is it? Is it, like, a guy makeover show?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, it's like you nominate. It's not specifically guy, but, like, you nominate a person or a guy to be made over by, like, three or four gay guys, and it's like therapy. It's like.

[Kai]

So it's like the nice version of what not to wear. Yeah, the non evil version.

[Drew Phillips]

Him. That pussy is mine. Wait, him, is that pussy mine? Me. You are for sure. A Chael hurled up.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

I called a girl's bi boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse. Those were from Yaley. Okay, well that was the episode of. Oh, and a media. Media.

[Kai]

My media is rather live. I playboi Cardi on the Weeknd. This is my life. Shirley Bassey, Relationships time tonight. Pink Panthers.

[Drew Phillips]

I've been listening to Suan Stevens, Seven Swans, and that is the saddest album. Oh my God.

[Kai]

Yeah, I can't do that right now.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, do you know the lore?

[Kai]

No, and I don't know.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, it's really dark sided. Look into it. I'm not. I don't want to like mess things up, but like, someone he falls in love with gets cancer and dies. Futile devices though, I always say. I always say Stacy's mom makes me cry. That's the only song that's ever made me cry and will ever make me cry. Futile devices made me cry the other day.

[Kai]

I've been listening to White Nights by Psychic TV again.

[Drew Phillips]

How does that one go?

[Kai]

It's like. Like Santa Claus is checking his list.

[Drew Phillips]

Going as Choices, Project Patch.

[Kai]

I love you. I give you all my life.

[Drew Phillips]

I really like Choices by Project Pat and Lavender Bud.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah. I was lying awake and thinking about the nights we spent. Sample of April Shower by the Black Merch.

[Drew Phillips]

And when autumn came, the love did.

[Kai]

Not remain and made my world a living hell. Okay, well, see you guys next week.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway, now through June 24th. Score hot summer savings and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags on items like General Mills cereal, drumstick, frozen treats, outshine fruit bars, Oreo cookies and Capri sun pouches. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online. For easy drive up and go pickup or delivery subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.