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Drew Phillips
This is an I Heart podcast. Feel off tired, moody. You might be missing minerals because 99% of us are concentrates daily. Mineral powder helps support energy, mood, and immunity from the inside out. Go to traceminerals.com and feel the difference minerals make. Hi. This is our podcast called Emergency Intercom.
Kai Newman
Thank you for coming in today. Welcome.
Unknown
Drew took me to a gay bar last night, and then he crashed out on me.
Drew Phillips
You hit him?
Unknown
He almost did. He wanted.
Kai Newman
I wanted to.
Drew Phillips
We've gone a bit with the term if he didn't. Did you hit him?
Kai Newman
No.
Drew Phillips
Why?
Kai Newman
I just didn't. Like, it didn't feel right in the moment because I could tell he wanted it.
Drew Phillips
Oh, I've been there. Yeah. What was the crash out?
Unknown
Just started screaming at me.
Kai Newman
Yeah. Like, I was screaming gay slurs at him.
Unknown
Yeah. And I was like, dude, what the fuck?
Kai Newman
You know, it's. You know, it's funny is our friend that came up in the cowboy hat texted my other friend and was like, hey, like, did I hear Kai say that Drew is bi? Lmao. And I was like, what's funny about. What's funny about the potential of me being bi? Like, what. What is so silly about.
Drew Phillips
I really can't get on his case because that's me as. I'm like, oh. Like, I actually. Like, I am sorry. Like, I am one of those. I'm like, okay, girl, like, rolling my.
Kai Newman
Eyes like, no, bisexuality is not real.
Drew Phillips
Because first of all, it's just gluttony. Call it what it is. And then second of all, it's like, Drew just.
Kai Newman
No, I mean, also, Kai is bi. Famously.
Unknown
Famously. Yeah. But I just only hook up with girls.
Kai Newman
Yeah.
Drew Phillips
No, I mean, that's brave. Still.
Unknown
It's still.
Drew Phillips
I mean, to take up space is still very brave.
Kai Newman
No, Kai takes up space, and the bike takes up a lot.
Unknown
I don't take up that much space. I don't take up that much space.
Drew Phillips
Oh, yeah. Like, so I. I agree with him. I would laugh. I would laugh at the assumption that you're bi.
Kai Newman
Yeah.
Drew Phillips
And, like, I'm sorry. I can. I hate that I can think of people who like. It just makes me laughs.
Kai Newman
I'm like, did I hear Kai say Drew is by. Lmao. Lmao.
Drew Phillips
Laughing our asses off. And he got his point across.
Unknown
Is it like hella O's?
Kai Newman
Yes.
Unknown
Okay, that's good.
Kai Newman
Yeah. It's really because he's gay also.
Drew Phillips
Damn. Okay. Like, well, maybe it was coming from a place that, like, there's a girl who Wants to, like, tap.
Kai Newman
But this guy.
Drew Phillips
Because girls famously do go after you.
Kai Newman
Yeah, true. Like, I just have that, like. Like, feminine quality to me that girls are attracted to. Like, I'm very emotionally intelligent. Like, I hear them, I listen to them. Like, I love women.
Drew Phillips
Yeah. Basically what you do is you become gay guy struck by lightning, and you're. You're. You're doing. What's it called? Like, active listening when you're being responsive in the middle of it, but you're like. Right, right, that part. No, exactly.
Kai Newman
It's all. Your boyfriend cheated on you. That part.
Unknown
One time I. I caught Drew being like, I'm gay. Let's go try on bras at the mall.
Drew Phillips
You caught him doing that?
Unknown
Yeah, he was just telling girls, like, oh, I could just tell you, like, if these bras look good. Oh.
Drew Phillips
Like, he was going with girls to the mall, getting.
Kai Newman
I hate that he brought that up. But, like, one of my, like, Riz tactics is bringing girls to Victoria's Secret and. And playing with their boobs in the changing room.
Drew Phillips
Do you, like. Do you act like you used to work there or something? Or just like.
Kai Newman
No, no, no. I'm just like, I'm a boob connoisseur. Like, I can look at your boobs.
Drew Phillips
Wait, so you're bi?
Kai Newman
I can see your boobs are, what, a quadruple D? An F?
Drew Phillips
No, I was thinking, like, H. I'm up in the H marks.
Unknown
Does H exist?
Drew Phillips
Yeah, everything exists. Don't question anything now. Like, seriously. And it's not AI. It's real.
Unknown
It's literally real.
Drew Phillips
The girls with the biggest boobs you've ever seen on Instagram walking down a hallway. That's real.
Unknown
Everything that I see on my phone is real.
Kai Newman
Yes. That's actually so true. Yeah, that's so true. I. There was. I saw this music video recently, and one of the girls had, like, the biggest knockers I've ever seen. Like, what was giant?
Unknown
Which. What was the name of the video? What was the name of clap your.
Kai Newman
Hands by Edward Skeletrix Kai, stop. But she had the biggest dohongo rugalas I've ever seen. Like, they were giant. Like, literally ginormous. And I was like, there's no way. Like, I cannot believe that those are real. Like, there's absolutely no way. And then it turns out I think they're a breastplate, but I can't tell for sure. But, like, in my head, I was like, oh, I like one.
Drew Phillips
I actually.
Kai Newman
That big. I want big boobs.
Drew Phillips
That would be so painful. Also, like, just like the shirt situation, like, when my boobs were bigger. I think there are some people who are just born to have big boobs and then some people who. Like, it genuinely is a misplacement and, like, a misjudgment because I don't think I was ever meant to have boobs as big as my boobs were. Like, I always felt like. Like a bar wench at every waking moment. I just felt like a bar wench. I felt like a.
Kai Newman
He deleted the video.
Drew Phillips
What? Which?
Kai Newman
The skull big boob one.
Drew Phillips
Probably because it went against guidelines because.
Kai Newman
Well, they weren't out. They were in, like, a bikini. And I hate that the 1. A woman's body is sexualized in that.
Drew Phillips
Way and it's being shadow Man.
Kai Newman
Yeah. Like, it's really giving. Like, girls should be able to show their boobs and nipples.
Drew Phillips
Like, well, to me, Drew crashed out last night and also yesterday with me. He crashed out before that because we had a stressful day and then decided because of that. Actually, we just decided we were gonna drink, like, day drink. Like, we were like, we just need daydream because we have access to a pool. That is what a pool is for.
Unknown
Yeah.
Drew Phillips
But we.
Kai Newman
Oh, my God, I forgot about this.
Drew Phillips
We each got a double shot margarita.
Kai Newman
Mind you, y', all, I'm like, I'm low key, like an alcoholic now. Like, period. Like, I love alcohol. Like, I'm like, alcohol is so good and fun. Like, I love that Drew and me keep call.
Drew Phillips
I guess. Like, I. I'm more of a drug addict than. You are an alcoholic. You're not a true alcoholic girl.
Kai Newman
No, I literally still have, like, one drink a week. Like, that's just really shocking for me.
Drew Phillips
I know. That's why I was saying to him yesterday when you started talking about it, I was like, dude, you. We are both the same where when we start engaging in something, we have to make it public known because we're like, this is bad. This is bad.
Kai Newman
I shouldn't be touching this. You know, it's bad. Keep me in check. Like.
Drew Phillips
Yeah. Also, not only that, it's just literally. Because we for real don't do, like, we're literally just permits for the most part, which I am trying to change because I think last 2023, I think I was really good at being social. And then the beginning of 2024, like, March hit.
Kai Newman
The darkness came. The dark is coming to intense to bring back everything.
Drew Phillips
The light.
Kai Newman
The light is coming to bring back everything.
Drew Phillips
The darkness.
Unknown
Did you just whisper the darkness Game under Your breath. No, he did.
Drew Phillips
He didn't. Did you do that?
Kai Newman
Why. Why would it be crazy if I did?
Unknown
Let's just insane.
Kai Newman
I didn't. I didn't actually say that.
Unknown
You didn't?
Kai Newman
No.
Unknown
Oh, you just said it came. The darkness came.
Kai Newman
Yeah.
Unknown
Oh, I. I thought you were talking about being depressed.
Drew Phillips
Kai's too busy on his phone still looking for that music video. He's got the phone right in his face, bro. Like, it's two inches from his face. He has those glasses on. Are you nearsighted or farsighted? Why do you never take off your glasses?
Unknown
I'm nearsighted, and I have problems with dissociation. And if I don't have my glasses on.
Kai Newman
Yeah, that was fucked up.
Unknown
But also, I think I look handsome in them.
Kai Newman
No, you look really good. You really do. You look really good in glasses. Like, it's really.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, you do. They're fitting. Oh. But, yeah, basically, now me and Drew are back to being social, which means we're people who, like, are terrified all the time, and neither of us know how to navigate in situations. So we are by the pool, and I got our first drinks, and then Drew was like, oh, they were doing last call.
Kai Newman
We got a double margarita, by the way, and I hit the joint. Oh, my God. I really am, like, oh, my God. Like, hearing it out loud. Like, I'm really crashing out.
Drew Phillips
I. I was looking at my notes before I came in here, and I was like, oh, let me see what I had written down to talk about. And that was it. And it was like, oh, my God, Drew. I got Drew crossfaded as lol. And I was like, that's my brag of the week. Like, that's.
Kai Newman
I'm like, well, it broke my sobriety.
Drew Phillips
It is so awesome. I love when Drew. Also, to be fair, I don't ever ask you to smoke. Like, actually, I asked you to smoke with me all the time, but you've only ever smoked when one. I, like, haven't really asked. And Drew will randomly, like, get the courage to do it, and literally, it feels like both of us lock in, and I'm just like, I know what I need to do, which is just exist here with him and act like that didn't happen and don't comment on it, don't bring it up, and just exist with him and be funny. Hehehaha. And we were having such an awesome time.
Kai Newman
No, it was literally a blast. Like, we finished the double margarita. Double. And it was fucking rancid. Like, it was the nastiest fucking thing I put in my body ever. And then I go into my little snack bag and I pull out chips and sour airheads and, like, there's all of these, like, yummy little things. Like, oh, my God, I love. I literally love a snack. And I was just, like, snacking crazy. But the macarons. Macaroons. Macarons. What is it? Macaron.
Drew Phillips
Macaroon.
Kai Newman
Macaroons. Macaron. Pigma. Micron. Only artists will get that one.
Drew Phillips
Whoa.
Kai Newman
But I, like, pulled those out. I pulled those out. And, like, the one I ate was legitimately, like, the most vile. Like, cursed mush. Like, it was raspberry. And, like, I love raspberries. But, like, to be fair, they have.
Drew Phillips
Been sitting under UV 11 and, like, 80 degree heat for an hour.
Kai Newman
Yeah, but, like, raspberry all were nasty. Also, the coffee one was good. But anyways, we're getting off track. We're getting off track. But I'm like, wait, like, should we get another one? The guy comes around, he's like, oh, last call, last call, last call. And we're like, yeah, we shouldn't. And then, like, we kind of sit in silence for a second. We look at each other, and we're like, when in Rome, I guess. Like, let's get one more. So I, like, hobble, like, literally hobbled back to this, like, pool bar because.
Drew Phillips
I was too scared to go because I'm the one who said no to him. And then I was like, I can't.
Unknown
Go back up there.
Kai Newman
And so I'm, like, literally, like, stumbling. Like. Like, it's so embarrassing because I'm, like.
Drew Phillips
Literally hiding crossfaded for the first time ever.
Kai Newman
And I, like, set the two cups on the bar, and, like, there's, like, a moment of silence. And, like, I was waiting for them to, like, ask me, like, to initiate the conversation. Like, I was sitting there and I was like. We were, like, staring at each other. It was almost, like, intimate in a way. And, like, I'm standing there and he wasn't. No, it was not. It was like, the opposite. And then I'm just like, dude, this guy's too wild.
Unknown
It was intimate for you.
Kai Newman
I get, like, nervous. And so I start, like. I'm like, can you get, like, another drink of you? And he's like, I say. But I say it loud. Like, I say, it's going in different directions, but I, like, mumble like crazy. And he's like, what? Like, what are you saying? And these people are notoriously, like, mean.
Drew Phillips
As, like, bro, is that Chateau they're mean there. They're so.
Kai Newman
They're haters. They're ops. And like, I mumble.
Drew Phillips
I love it.
Unknown
Did I ever tell you when I got destroyed by like a really hot gay guy that worked at a bar at Cafe Mogador? When I got breakfast, I was with Mason and we were at. It was like really busy. We were eating at the bar and I got like a full, like a huge breakfast.
Kai Newman
You literally weren't so, like, don't. Like, I don't know what you're making.
Unknown
This is true. Stop doing that. I was like. So I ate the whole thing really quickly because I'm on this medication where I have to eat a lot. And I ate it maybe like four times as fast as my.
Kai Newman
When was this? This was like, like recently or like a year ago?
Unknown
A year ago.
Kai Newman
Okay, okay.
Unknown
But I was on. It was a different medication because it also had a side effect where I have to eat a lot. Of course, all of my medications weirdly had this side effect, but I ate the whole, like pancakes, eggs, bacon, really fucking quickly. And then the guy behind the bar was like, wow, you ate that really fast.
Kai Newman
Fuck.
Unknown
And he was like a really hot, like six, four, very muscular gay guy. And I was like, I just got destroyed by this perfect looking human. I just looked down at my feet. I didn't.
Kai Newman
Like something like that happened to you recently too, where you were like. We were talking about something like in. Someone like, like confronted you, like, in that way and it was like really off putting for you, but like, you just give that energy off.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, I feel like you just get attacked like that kind of often people times.
Kai Newman
Sometimes I do people see me and talk to me. Like, that's like. Which I'm actually really happy about. Like, I think I just have very kind eyes. Like, not to brag or anything, but, like, people just come up and talk to me. Like, like, not even like. Like it's not even like they're hitting on me. It's literally just like people come up and talk to me or ask me for directions and I'm like, I don't know this city. Like, like that type of conversation, which I love. I love.
Drew Phillips
You're also good at carrying mundane conversation. It's like a Southern thing, I think.
Kai Newman
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Drew Phillips
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Kai Newman
Like I've been stone my head when I talk to people. It's so bad.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Kai Newman
You got bodied, Kai.
Unknown
No, it's totally fine. I needed that. Also, do you remember when I smoked weed in Miami?
Kai Newman
Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God. I will literally, I will literally never smoke weed with Kai, ever.
Drew Phillips
Wait, what do you do?
Unknown
Oh my God. I genuinely never smoke weed. I think I've probably smoked weed. I've taken like one hit and this is, this is the, this is the time that I smoked weed over the last four years. And I remember we were in Miami and Drew was like, you should just like smoke weed. Fuck it. And I was like, no, I get really weird when I smoke weed and I get stressed out and I basically have all of the parts of me that I hate are like turned up times 10 when I smoke weed. That's how I feel. And he is like, I love you. I'm your friend. Like, I'll just. You know, we'll just hang out. I'll be fine. I took the smallest hit from whatever. Was it like a pen or something?
Kai Newman
Yeah, it was a pen.
Unknown
And then I just go dead silent, and I sit down on the bed, and then you guys are, like, doing stuff, and I'm like, I should say something. I should say something. I don't want to weird them out.
Drew Phillips
So I was like, be fair. Very valid situation to go wrong. The hotel room they're talking about is this hotel in Little Havana, Miami.
Kai Newman
Smaller than our podcast studio, but it's.
Drew Phillips
Literally smaller than this room. It's just like, a really tiny, kind of, like, capsule hotel situation. And they were in a room with, like, four. Four bunk beds.
Kai Newman
No, two bunk beds. Four people.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, two bunk beds, four people. So it was just like.
Unknown
It smelled insane.
Drew Phillips
It was terrible here to here to here. And then everything else was either bed.
Kai Newman
Wall, or garbage desk.
Unknown
It was just four guys.
Kai Newman
They were so messy. Oh, my God. It drove me absolutely bananas.
Drew Phillips
Who was? It was you, Lucas. Josie. No, Josie wasn't there. Famously.
Kai Newman
Josh, I think, was in there.
Drew Phillips
Josh, Kai.
Kai Newman
Yeah, I think it was us four.
Unknown
Maybe Finn. Was he not in that room?
Kai Newman
No, Finn had his own room. Finn had his own room.
Unknown
Okay.
Kai Newman
But it might have been. No.
Unknown
Yeah, I think it was just Lucas.
Drew Phillips
Yeah. Because Orion was there on that trip, and I was not staying with y'.
Kai Newman
All. Was Christian there?
Drew Phillips
No.
Kai Newman
Okay, then. Yeah, it was just us four.
Unknown
So after, like, a while, being silent boys. Oh, I should say something to be social and inject myself into the conversation. So I was just like, what are we doing next? And Drew is like, oh, I don't know. I think we're gonna go to this place. I'm like, okay, well, like, what time are we doing that? Like, and then, like, should we get ready now? Like, is that in 15 minutes? I just start going through the itinerary of just being, like, very anxious.
Drew Phillips
You start becoming, like, OCD adjacent because you're just, like, like, controlling every next step.
Unknown
Exactly. In my head. Yeah, exactly. I was like, grasp for some level of control.
Drew Phillips
Reality.
Unknown
Yeah. And, like, I think I was trying to be like, oh, how can I contribute to the situation when I.
Kai Newman
That's, like, literally why I don't smoke weed.
Unknown
Yeah. Like, it's literally overthought at so many levels. And then you. Drew literally was like, kai, you should never smoke weed ever. After, like, 20 minutes.
Kai Newman
Also, like, the thing is, like, it was like the most persistent, like, like stream of consciousness, like, questions I've ever had in my life. Like, it was like literally like 500 questions in five minutes. Like, like, it was. It was wild. I've never experienced anything like it in.
Unknown
My life because my tolerance is also zero.
Kai Newman
Yeah, I have tolerance.
Unknown
Like a newborn baby. I don't think so.
Kai Newman
Yeah, I think I was.
Unknown
That's like when you weren't really drinking or smoking, I feel like.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, yeah. I think on your birthday you didn't even really drink because I remember at dinner, the whole dinner fiasco, and you weren't drinking.
Kai Newman
Oh, yeah. Wait, like when I had the allergic reaction?
Drew Phillips
No, no, no, no. But yeah, you weren't drinking at that time. I'm thinking of your birthday dinner because that was the same trip because remember we did like a birthday dinner thing, I think, at like mandolin. I love Miami. I love Miami.
Kai Newman
Miami is.
Drew Phillips
We should go back to Miami and I'll smoke you out.
Unknown
That sounds great. I would love that.
Drew Phillips
We'll do like a.
Kai Newman
Also, the episode we recorded out there is really cute and wholesome.
Unknown
Oh, yeah. In the car.
Kai Newman
Yeah. And that was like. Was that the first time you were on camera when we like.
Drew Phillips
No, the first time he was on camera was in the flea episode.
Unknown
The Flea episode when he was in the backseat.
Kai Newman
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Drew Phillips
Because we had no choice.
Kai Newman
Everyone was like, who the is that? Who that in the bag?
Drew Phillips
Who that in the back?
Kai Newman
Who that in the back?
Unknown
I remember the Miami episode because Orion put her head on my shoulder and that was the first time that a woman had touched me in eight and a half years and I just blacked out. Anyway, this is cool.
Kai Newman
So how do you remember if you.
Unknown
Blacked out on video and I watch it?
Kai Newman
Oh, he watches it regularly.
Drew Phillips
Whoever has a clip of that on their tick tock, y' all need to go through to see who saved it and see if Kai's in there. Oh, my God. Actually, I saw there's a re upload account that's like re uploading that you've posted and. And this made me laugh. So fudgeing hard. Fuck, I hope it's in my legs. I hope I didn't like it because I realized it was like a re.
Unknown
Upload account and I didn't think that that's just me.
Drew Phillips
I thought it was you too, because it's just.
Unknown
They spelled my name like one letter wrong or something.
Drew Phillips
Yeah.
Unknown
But guys, if you're listening to this, that's not me. That's an imposter.
Kai Newman
And imposters. Among us. Among us.
Unknown
Bunch of comments were like, you've already posted these. You're reheating your own nachos. I was like, dude, this isn't me.
Drew Phillips
That is hella funny.
Kai Newman
Reheating your own nunches.
Drew Phillips
You think you're funny, but you.
Unknown
You thought a tick tock that I made is funny. You should pull that up.
Drew Phillips
Oh, I can't find it. It's you literally playing with your food.
Kai Newman
Oh, it's the chicken wings one. Yeah, I love that. How much meat is left on the bone?
Unknown
I forgot about this one. That's like when I first downloaded Cap cut.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, I love Cap cut. I love Cap Cut.
Kai Newman
I was literally just talking about that yesterday. Like, how much you love cap or when I was at the gym, like, how much you love Cap Cut.
Drew Phillips
I love it.
Kai Newman
You might be giving someone a tutorial.
Drew Phillips
Me? Yeah, I'm not that good.
Kai Newman
No, you're good.
Drew Phillips
I'm good. When I'm like the kind of high that I'm watching something, like my best. Yeah, my best cap cuts happen if I'm watching a show. Because I think that's when, like, the stand in me comes out. Like, yeah, yeah. And I like, my best ones are like, I made like a o. I wonder if I have it. I have Carrie from Sex in the City where. When she wore that stupid hat. Yeah, I have a good cap. Kind of.
Unknown
Which one I feel like she wears a lot.
Drew Phillips
Well, when she wore the stupid hat and was like in Big's door with the thing in her mouth.
Unknown
Oh, yeah.
Kai Newman
Also speaking of the Stan in me, like, I went to a Stanley cup in your ass. I. I went to a comedy show for this comedian that, like, I didn't realize, like, how obsessed I was with him. Has that ever happened to you? Like, I literally like went to the show and I was like, oh, like, this is like a peer. Like, this is a friend. Like, I'm going to buy tickets to support one. He puts on like one of my favorite comedy sets I've seen in a very long time. Like, it was so tight. It was so funny. Like, I was like crying, laughing the whole time. But then, like, we hung out after and he would like, tell me stories like that happened to him. And I was like, I know this from a TikTok he posted four years ago. And I never, I didn't want to say that because, like, that's so creepy. But, like, legitimately, like, I was interviewing him because, like, I, I am like a fan of his. And it was like Freaking me out kind of.
Drew Phillips
I mean, no. You watched me do that with the girl. Your mom. Your mom, Ashley.
Kai Newman
Oh, the girl. She had the shoes on.
Drew Phillips
We were leaving the Vogue ebay vintage market with Colin, and we ran into her, and I spoke to her and her sister.
Kai Newman
Yeah, she had the shoes, or you had the shoes?
Drew Phillips
Someone had shoes. I don't really remember. But I literally spoke to her as if, like, she was a longtime friend, but really, all that meant was my dumb ass was, like, spewing things about her to her. And then we walked away, and I.
Kai Newman
Was like, no, I literally. I literally did that. I wasn't spewing it, but I was like, oh. Like, I. Like, Literally everything he said.
Drew Phillips
It was like, you have to act like you didn't know what he was saying. Like, oh.
Kai Newman
The first thing I told him after his show was like, no. Like, I'm, like, a huge fan. Like, you don't understand. Like, I'm a really big fan of yours. Like, I watched this weird, obscure interview you did on another podcast that, like, no one is talking about. Like, I'm like, I'm obsessed with you. And then the friend I was with was like, you literally told him, like, you were a fan. And I was like, I don't give a. Like, if I'm a fan of someone, I'm gonna let them know, like, what that is.
Drew Phillips
I will literally always tell someone that. Like, I won't. That won't be the first thing, but the second somebody who I admire and I'm around them and their. Comes up, I. I'm not about to act oblivious. I'm like, girl, you're the goat. Like, what? Like, you have to say something nice. Also, like, don't be a nerd. Come on. That's a vibe. To tell him that you're a fan.
Kai Newman
No.
Drew Phillips
And now when he does the A fan challenge, boom.
Unknown
Yeah. You're probably number one.
Kai Newman
At the top of the list.
Drew Phillips
Unless he has a boyfriend or something. I'm sorry, guys.
Unknown
I. I got caught again.
Drew Phillips
Caught doing what? Like, here's the empty box.
Unknown
Oh, my God.
Kai Newman
Yes. Yes.
Drew Phillips
I ate the whole roll in, like, under one minute.
Kai Newman
Let me see your song. Can I see your dirty chopsticks?
Unknown
Oh, my God. So I don't know that people are recording this when I do it. Yeah, I don't know.
Drew Phillips
For that.
Unknown
Yes.
Drew Phillips
Why don't you just, like, go on.
Unknown
Like, 15 grand a month probably on average. It's not like, One video is 15 grand.
Kai Newman
It's just four videos.
Unknown
There's a lot of videos. Four.
Kai Newman
It's four.
Unknown
Sure. Let's say that there's four way.
Kai Newman
The first one, you were asking to see her dirty sock, right?
Unknown
I think that's what it was.
Kai Newman
Yeah. And, like, she held it up and you moaned.
Unknown
What did he say? I forget or what did I say?
Kai Newman
He was like, gorgeous. Can I see your sock? And he, like, she other. He's like, oh, like, my God. I'm like, I don't king shame. I'm like, get both of y'.
Unknown
All.
Kai Newman
Get yours. Yeah, as long as he's not being creepy in the streets. Like, I don't give a fuck.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, he's getting.
Kai Newman
Enjoy that chopstick. Yeah, enjoy that chopstick.
Drew Phillips
Literally, like, that's the kind of depravity that I'm like.
Kai Newman
It.
Drew Phillips
Like, literally, you. You get to that moaning like, that over what happened.
Unknown
I don't know. I think about it all the time. Because, guys, it's not actually me. That's a joke. This is an ongoing joke on the.
Drew Phillips
You.
Unknown
It's not me.
Kai Newman
You can't back out of it now, bro.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, that's like, what? That's you.
Unknown
Okay, so let's just say, hypothetically, I didn't have this kink. I don't understand how people get that. I don't like the sock thing.
Kai Newman
Yeah.
Unknown
I don't understand that.
Drew Phillips
Like, what it's confusing me is it's. It's through us.
Kai Newman
That's what I was just about to say. That's what I was just about to say. It's like, it's 3, 000 miles away, and he's, like, moaning at chopsticks and, like, cinnamon rolls or whatever.
Drew Phillips
That's what confuses me because I'm like, you could quite literally go on to yelp and go through a few photos, and I'm sure you would see, like, food so good.
Kai Newman
Here's before, maybe it's like the, like, the false sense of connection. Like, it, like, is giving, like, girlfriend vibes for him because it's, like, tailored to him.
Unknown
I'm always just like, how much does nurture versus nature play into this? How much of kinks are just embedded into your genetic code?
Kai Newman
Because I think a lot of people, kinks are, like, born.
Unknown
I don't really.
Kai Newman
Yeah, I think. I think they're literally like, something not. You're not born with your kinks. I think, like, something happens in your, like, adolescence or like, when you hit puberty.
Unknown
Yeah, more of a factor. I think so, too. I think so, too. But I'm like, maybe he wasn't Allowed.
Drew Phillips
To, like, do laundry and dishes growing up, so now he's, like, obsessed with them.
Unknown
Yeah.
Kai Newman
His mom wouldn't let him do the dishes. Yeah.
Drew Phillips
Because he's a man and he grew up in, like, a really, like. Oh, like the women do the dishes and laundry. Yeah.
Unknown
Machismo.
Drew Phillips
Yes.
Unknown
That's the word that I always use to describe.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, Machismo.
Unknown
Machismo. Yeah.
Drew Phillips
Yeah. I do think. I think some happens to you, and then you're just, like, kind of weird and you have to deal with it. But, like, say, lavie, just don't be crazy. At least he's, like, paying bread to literally see garbage. It's kind of lit. And I bet he's postmating her that food. I would put money on the fact that she didn't buy 100, which is lit. Like, what she's getting paid to literally sit in her crib and watch Love island and then just FaceTime and show her garbage.
Unknown
Some people are so freaky. And I'm just. I feel like that's a whole DLC to life that I don't have. Access.
Kai Newman
I was gonna say, like, it also feels like. I mean, they live among us. Like, they're literally among us. And like, it. They're so good at keeping it DL.
Drew Phillips
Well, because it's like.
Kai Newman
Like, the freak is like, DL as fuck. Like, I don't know how they do that. Like, that's what's. Like, that's what.
Unknown
I didn't even know that there were other positions besides missionary.
Kai Newman
Missionary.
Unknown
Until recently.
Kai Newman
I had to show him a whole new world.
Drew Phillips
I was gonna say. I feel like it's really because people either have hobbies that are normal or they make sex their hobby. And I think a lot of people make sex their hobby, and they don't even realize it's their hobby. I'm like, if that is. If it is something that is not a necessity, that is taking up all of your time, and it is your only source of pleasure. That is a hobby. And you're not even good at the hobby. Half of you hoes aren't good at the hobby. Like, practice. Jack of all trades. Master of none. Ass.
Kai Newman
Jack off, masturbate all the trade.
Drew Phillips
And master none of this.
Kai Newman
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Jack off all the trades. Masturbate of none of.
Drew Phillips
Masturbate never.
Kai Newman
No, no, no. Jack off all trade. Masturbate of to none. Nuns and you. And no.
Drew Phillips
Masturbate to none. Like, you're jacking them all off, but you're not masturbating to any of them.
Kai Newman
Yeah, I guess that works. I feel like there's a better. There's something, there's something there for masturbate tonight.
Drew Phillips
Should I say the thing hard made up? Oh yeah, our joint affair. We were talking about how, like, when you meet straight people, like a lot of straight people who only know other straight people. And so Card was specifically saying this. Like, he has to like indoctrinate them into interesting things, like, because he's like, straight people are awesome, but it's just like, like hard. Because also what we're talking about being the interesting thing is like, how are they gonna know that Sicart is saying please be calm because of like a video. You just breathe like that.
Kai Newman
What? Like what?
Unknown
I think you might be a mouth breather.
Drew Phillips
That's not funny because I, I think I am a mouth breather. I am.
Kai Newman
No, you're not.
Unknown
Have you ever tried taping your mouth? Would you die?
Kai Newman
Oh my God. What the was that, Kyle?
Drew Phillips
It's crazy how I start talking for longer than a minute, you start making noises and then you tell me to tape my mouth shut.
Kai Newman
That's crazy, Kai.
Drew Phillips
Oh, but I'm the one who interrupts everyone, right? Right. No, I really do though.
Kai Newman
No, I hated the last episode because I spoke the whole time.
Drew Phillips
We go back and forth like that.
Kai Newman
I hate it though.
Drew Phillips
I love it.
Kai Newman
No, no. When I talk. No, I mean, yeah, I hate my voice.
Unknown
I hated the last episode because I was collapsing in upon myself like a black hole and I just wasn't a person. I wasn't a person that episode.
Drew Phillips
I was, I'm never a person. I'm, I'm not kidding. Like I, I, I'm not present. Like, oh, I have a really good memory. I have an amazing memory. A week from now I will be able to tell you my week front to back, but I don't live in the present. Like, I'm like too panicked. So, yeah, if that makes you feel any better, I'm not here now.
Unknown
I think my closest equivalent of that is if there's a photo taken of me and I see it, I have so much dysmorphia for that photo up until around three months. And then I'm like, oh yeah, I recognize that as me. So I don't know if that's related, but I feel like it might be. I don't know.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, I feel like I've never seen, I feel like I. Every photo I've seen of myself, I feel like I look like a different person and it freaks me out.
Kai Newman
No, it is Freaky.
Drew Phillips
Yeah. Oh, but the.
Kai Newman
Nothing happens to me.
Drew Phillips
But you're just bad.
Unknown
You are bad.
Kai Newman
No, I'm not.
Unknown
You're sexy.
Drew Phillips
You're hot.
Unknown
You're really sexy.
Drew Phillips
Your head straight men go to saccard as cucumbers and leave as pickles. Let that marinate, that part.
Unknown
That's really good.
Kai Newman
Can I go to Sicard?
Drew Phillips
I wish we had raven glasses on in the moment. We came up with that because it was. Was very, like, wow. It was amazing.
Kai Newman
No, that's like.
Drew Phillips
It went, like. It genuinely went, like, back and forth.
Kai Newman
Like, when you told me that at the pool, I was literally like, that might be the most genius thing I've ever heard.
Drew Phillips
I mean, granted, your state at the pool was also the same state of mine. That out loud. Loud as fuck. After eating the first airhead went, nobody is talking about these are the best thing on the fucking planet.
Kai Newman
No, that is, like, really a conversation that people aren't having. That's, like, really frustrating to me is like, sour airheads. Like the new sour airheads.
Drew Phillips
You've been trying to push this, like.
Kai Newman
Like, I know. I will push this agenda for as long as possible until it catches on. The sour airheads are, like, so good.
Drew Phillips
There's more chemicals in them.
Kai Newman
Yeah, it's a new form of acid.
Drew Phillips
Yeah.
Unknown
Oh, is so good.
Kai Newman
There's three new flavors. It's the ones that in. You threw at us.
Unknown
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kai Newman
Those are. Those are the sour airheads.
Unknown
Mama blocked that until you said it.
Kai Newman
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Unknown
And now I have a kink where I have to shove airheads at my hand. Yeah. Citric acid is a really good underrated.
Kai Newman
I love when it feels like my enamel is melting off my teeth. Like, I can, like, do this, and, like, my teeth have, like, a different grit to them.
Drew Phillips
I hate that feeling. That's why I don't drink.
Kai Newman
Same with Red Bull.
Drew Phillips
I, like, can't finish a Coke or something all at once because that, like, astringent feeling on my teeth. But also, I like, question, do y' all do this? I go to the bathroom every time.
Kai Newman
The culture.
Drew Phillips
Question for the culture. Why can Ariana, Nikki, Beyonce, and everybody be a and I can't. That's essentially what she was saying. Like, no, like, am I right?
Kai Newman
Baseline.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, that part. Fuck. What was I saying? Oh, I go in the bathroom after I eat, every time I eat, and it's because I have to wash my hands, I have to wipe my mouth. And I was saying this to somebody, and they were like, oh, I'll take Like, the paper and literally put my finger around it and, like, take a napkin and, like, rub my feet or my feet.
Kai Newman
India, what the heck you mean? Your teeth? Your freaking feet, bro. Your feet are not in your.
Drew Phillips
Sorry. I looked at Kai, then I got scared, and I had to remember if I had socks and shoes on because.
Kai Newman
He'S, like, close looking.
Unknown
I took one photo one time.
Kai Newman
Run the clip.
Unknown
All right, guys.
Drew Phillips
Yeah. I wipe my teeth. Do you ever do that or no? Have you ever done that? Why not?
Kai Newman
Because I'm not a weirdo.
Drew Phillips
That's. I feel like that's hygienic.
Kai Newman
No, it's. It's hygienic, but it's, like, hygienic to, like, a degree that I just can't stand behind. Like, I'm fundamentally, like, an unhygienic person. Like, I don't believe.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, you're.
Unknown
You're very clean.
Kai Newman
I know. I'm joking. I'm joking.
Drew Phillips
Like, I was gonna say you're, like, hygienic, but I'm like.
Kai Newman
I'm normal. I'm, like, literally just a normal.
Drew Phillips
Well, you don't wash your hands after you pee a lot.
Kai Newman
That. I literally. I will stand on this till the day I die. If I had dirty dick, dirty used dick, I would wash my hands. But my dick and balls are spotless and clean.
Drew Phillips
That's like.
Kai Newman
And I don't touch urine. I literally don't touch urine.
Drew Phillips
When you touch the handle, like, I.
Kai Newman
Flush with my foot. I'm not even kidding. I flush with my foot. Not here, obviously, but when I'm out.
Drew Phillips
In public, like, I just really can't. Like, you can't sit here and fight.
Kai Newman
It's selfish to flush with my foot because other people touch that handle.
Drew Phillips
I've thought about it, but in public, I'm like, why would you be putting your hand on?
Unknown
There's some bathrooms that you walk into, and you're like, I'm supposed to flush.
Kai Newman
Yeah. Like, it feels illegal to. Like, my ears are ringing. Someone's talking about me.
Drew Phillips
If that's not the vibe, I'll usually just take paper towel and, like, yeah, cover my hand.
Unknown
Well, speaking of the bathroom, this is, what, week three of me having my bidet? And it's amazing. It feels really good to sit on that thing.
Drew Phillips
Didn't you say it, like, shot at your butt and it hurt?
Kai Newman
No, it. Like, it gives you, like, fissures on your. Like, it literally cuts, like, butthole.
Unknown
Yeah.
Drew Phillips
That's why Kai likes it, because it gives him a real reason. A scritch to scratch his ass in public.
Unknown
No, I like the pressure because it cleans it thoroughly.
Drew Phillips
No, I. With that. I actually think that's amazing that you're hygienic in that way.
Unknown
Yeah. And it's beautiful. And I've also started to use it even when I don't have to. I'll just sit on there when I'm feeling bad for. Yeah, that's.
Drew Phillips
You're just, like. When you're in a sad mood, you just spray your ass with water.
Unknown
It's like.
Kai Newman
I actually. I was gonna say, like, 30% of this is real. Like, it's not. When you're sad, you just, like, sit on it.
Unknown
And I caught myself procrastinating on work that I have to do by, like, being, like, getting rimmed by your toilet. Probably dirty. It's been a few hours.
Drew Phillips
You know what? I really can't get on you because.
Kai Newman
What's the.
Drew Phillips
What's the process? I would go crazy.
Kai Newman
What's the process after using a bidet? Because that's what, like, I. With a bidet. I love a bidet, but, like, my soggy bottom.
Unknown
Like, pat your butt with paper paper towel.
Kai Newman
Toilet paper.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, toilet paper.
Unknown
You did just wipe your butt.
Kai Newman
Just like, you take them into one ply. Toilet paper, and my fingers break through, and I start fingering my. Because, like, well, that's why you have.
Drew Phillips
To wash your hands. You should be washing your hands.
Kai Newman
I don't want to be touching my. When I'm in the bathroom.
Drew Phillips
Technically, you should probably wash your hands before. Like, a lot of times, if I'm out in public, I will wash my hands before I use the bathroom room. Wait.
Kai Newman
And. Yeah, I think you're completely missing the point. Like, I actually want to finger your ass in a public toilet. I was at. I was out and about. I was doing my thing.
Drew Phillips
Okay.
Kai Newman
I was with my buddies, and we were all just, like, talking in a circle, and we're just like, kiki.
Drew Phillips
He.
Kai Newman
Ha. It's actually, like, you're being so.
Drew Phillips
Like.
Kai Newman
It's actually the guy that. It was like, our guy said that you're. By lmao. I was, like, talking to him. I was talking to my other friend, and we're just like, laughing boots. Whatever. And then what?
Unknown
Laughing boots. Whatever.
Kai Newman
Laughing boots.
Unknown
Also, the way you're holding the mic.
Drew Phillips
I know, I know. It was really like.
Kai Newman
Wait, what?
Drew Phillips
No, it's good. It's ergonomic, but I've never seen anybody hold it like that.
Kai Newman
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unknown
I feel like that might have touched on Internal.
Kai Newman
Yeah. Y' all are, like, limp wristing.
Drew Phillips
Well, no, when your foot was up, it actually made sense because it was like, this balancing act. Now it just looks stupid. Now I am gonna be homophobic and stupid.
Kai Newman
But I. We were just, like, talking in this dude that's like. Like, tweaking off something. Like, literally, like, spazzing.
Drew Phillips
They were like, this guy came up for another drink.
Kai Newman
Drink. We already did last something.
Drew Phillips
Tweaking.
Kai Newman
Yeah, tweaking off something. He walks up and he's like, does anybody have, like. Does anybody have any, like, blow? And we're all like, no. And he's like, can I have a lighter? Like, can I have a cigarette? And we're like, no. And he's like, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You're handsome. You're beautiful. Then he points to me. I'm not kidding. And he says, you're. And then just walks away. I'm not kidding. I didn't say a word to this man. But he goes, you're handsome. You're beautiful. You're gowns. Ball gowns. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful gowns.
Drew Phillips
Wait, so did you know him?
Kai Newman
No. No idea. None of my friends knew him either. We. He just, like, pulled up and just, like, sneak. Dissed me.
Drew Phillips
And honestly, you should have, in that, like, moment, seeing if you could get a hold of laced Coke and then give it to him, and he ODs, and then he will literally learn to never do that again.
Kai Newman
That's. That is good. I have. I have been putting fentanyl in coke recently to teach people lessons.
Unknown
That's really smart.
Kai Newman
Yeah, I feel like it's. I feel like it's gonna, like, it's.
Drew Phillips
Gonna trend, I think.
Kai Newman
Yeah. I think people, like, are gonna stop doing coke soon.
Drew Phillips
Oh, my God, bro.
Unknown
I think, like, I thought people did stop for a while.
Kai Newman
Yeah, they did for, like, five years.
Drew Phillips
But, yeah, it's like a recession sign. I feel like it's literally. It's. It's. You know. You know how in 2008, all the music was like, we're gonna go crazy.
Kai Newman
Spend our lives like, we're gonna party.
Unknown
I did see a statistic that was, like, people or Gen Z's drinking more now than they were, like, a couple.
Kai Newman
And then, like, literally, like, four years ago, it was like Gen Z had, like, the lowest drinking.
Drew Phillips
I mean, to be fair, like, is it most of Gen Z now above the legal drinking limit?
Kai Newman
So, like, finally.
Unknown
What does that mean? What do you say?
Drew Phillips
Like, are you happy people get to drink or, like, you hoping to, like, see, like, 21 year olds drinking.
Kai Newman
I love drinking.
Unknown
Obsessed with 21 year olds.
Kai Newman
Don't make me drink alone. That's like literally my vibe now.
Drew Phillips
That's me, but it's smoking and nobody smokes with me. And everybody gets mad that I talk about smoking so often. Sorry that you're so used to doing it that you don't have to like, tell anybody about it. But like, it's still not normal that I do that all the time.
Kai Newman
I literally was never like. Like, I cried laughing when that guy just looked at me with silence after complimenting everybody I was with. Like, and then, oh, that I forgot about this. Then like, me and my friend was. We were talking about it like after and like, we were just like. I was like, do you know that guy? And he was like, no, I don't know who that is. Like, none of us know him. And I was like, whoa. He's like, he's on one and we like turn around and he's like doing like, like crazy in the circle behind us. But we didn't realize that how close he was. And like, we're just talking about it and I like retell that story and I'm like, yeah, he like literally just called me ugly and nasty and disgusting without saying a word. It was hilarious. Well, five minutes later he comes back by and he's kind of like mellowed out and level. And he was like, hey, I just wanted to say you're like really cute, by the way. And like, you're handsome and you're beautiful, but like, you're really cute. And so he made up for it. Like, he made up for it later. And like, he was just so scared that like, he like actually hurt my feelings. But I was like, no, like, it's really hard to hurt my feelings because I will just monetize it on my podcast.
Unknown
Yeah, you see a paycheck every time I get.
Drew Phillips
You see trauma. I see Cha Ching, cha ching, Cha Ching.
Kai Newman
Hold on.
Unknown
No, don't. Okay.
Drew Phillips
I almost just kissed you.
Kai Newman
I know, I almost kissed you too. But we got to say, I've gotten really good at physical touch, right?
Drew Phillips
Yeah, he has, he has. I. What did I say? Oh, he. His physical touch used to feel like if a doll came to life, like if a doll just learned and it didn't have joints yet, so his movements were really like.
Kai Newman
I knew like, like the. I knew that like you wanted that and like required that for like healing cuz you would do it to me like when I was down bad. So I was just like, oh, this is Something like, she would want done to her. So, like, when I was, like, rubbing your clitoris when you were sad, like, it was, like, awkward for me. No, but, like, when I did a.
Drew Phillips
Really good job for your first time.
Kai Newman
That was, like, my 800 billionth time. Let's get it.
Drew Phillips
I mean, it. We said we would restart because it hadn't worked 800 times before. So the restart was.
Kai Newman
No, but, like, when I would, like, touch you, I was. I just didn't know how to do it. And I would, like, we would be, like, this far apart on my bed, and I would just be, like, unironically. You would do that.
Drew Phillips
Like, I'd be, like, sitting and, like.
Unknown
That'S so sweet.
Drew Phillips
To be fair, when I started giving you guys physical affection, at first, I. If anything, I felt like a pervert.
Kai Newman
Yeah.
Drew Phillips
Because, like, our group wasn't physically affectionate at all for the most part, like, kind of. But, like, we weren't. Like, we've definitely. As we've all grown older, we've become more, like, likely to, like, hold each other and, like, grab each other for a hug. But, like, when I would first start doing it, I remember, like, one of y' all would be sitting, crying, and I would, like, always, like, go up and, like, just, like, grab one of them, and then, like, while they're talking. And I. I always do that. Like, I always grab people like that. And then it does cross my mind that, like, why am I talking?
Kai Newman
Like, in the car? Like, you moaned when I touched you yesterday when we were driving.
Drew Phillips
Well, because you've gotten so good at it.
Kai Newman
Yeah, Like, I'm not even. I'm not even kidding.
Drew Phillips
So low that now it's like, I.
Kai Newman
Literally did this move. I was just like, pat, pat, pat, rub, rub, rub. And was like. And you was like, oh, wait, like, that was so good.
Drew Phillips
No, it wasn't that. It was you. I. I have really bad pain right here, and you, like, grabbed my back or something. He, like, rubbed you rubbed a to my back, and it felt really good. And I did let out a moon.
Unknown
I do remember that you have gotten better at. At physical touch. Because after you'll actually cuddle with me.
Kai Newman
Where.
Unknown
Is not true. Before, you would just get up, and immediately I would roll the tarp up. You'd roll the tarp up.
Kai Newman
I'd hose you down with water.
Unknown
He would be on Grindr with his phone, and then he'd just be spraying indiscriminately in the corner, what With a power washer. And then. And then you would get me a Uber pool home.
Drew Phillips
Oh, my God. I feel like I used to be in an Uber all the time, but that's when we first moved here, and, like, we actually had, like, stamina to be outside. I want to be outside again. But, like, also now it just sucks. The only thing that is annoying about being somebody who wants to be social and getting older, and by no means are we older. Whatever. I have become so picky. I think that's the real reason I don't go out as much anymore is I am so picky because I'm like, I am not gonna torture myself to be in a random ass bar with, like, what? Like, I want to go, like, dancing somewhere cute with.
Kai Newman
I want to dance. I want to dance so bad. We should all go dancing. Like, for real. For real. Josiah needs it bad. Like. Like, Kai and I were talking about, like, we want to learn how to dance, like, unironically. Like, I just want to, like, feel my body and move.
Drew Phillips
Like, let's go on Friday. I dance. I. I feel like I. I'm the only dancer left.
Kai Newman
Also, like, the thing.
Drew Phillips
I do dance at parties, though. I love Dean.
Kai Newman
Wait, what was I gonna say? Oh, completely derailing the conversation. Like, I don't know why this thought. Oh, no. Like, dancing High School Musical. But, like, we went and visited the High School Musical high school.
Drew Phillips
We did.
Kai Newman
And we didn't talk about it. It. But, like, in Utah. They filmed it in Salt Lake City at, like, East High School or something like that.
Drew Phillips
And then one more.
Kai Newman
It's really, really crazy. It's like, actually, this.
Drew Phillips
It's just the school, and people go there, bro.
Kai Newman
Like, we met.
Drew Phillips
We met somebody who went there. Like, that's crazy.
Kai Newman
We were at Ulta. Do you go to East?
Drew Phillips
I smoked a joint in front of East High. I'm crazy. I don't give a. I. We. Oh, Me and Drew were. We were role playing super, super, super, super, super seniors.
Kai Newman
Yeah, that was. I mean, there's a few more supers in there.
Drew Phillips
Super, super, super, super. Damn. Are you. Are you gonna go to your high school reunion?
Kai Newman
Because that's coming up. Yeah, I was literally, like, thinking about that, like, a couple days ago because I was like, like, wait, like, that's very soon. Like, so, so soon. But no, I will. Absolutely not. I will not be going.
Drew Phillips
What? I think I'm gonna go to mine. I feel like mine is gonna be fun.
Kai Newman
No, your. Yours will be lit as.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, me and so Card were talking about it. We were like, wait, we kind of.
Kai Newman
Need to, like, no, that's gonna be fun because people, like, will have fun. Like Granberry, Texas. Like, everyone has, like, kids. No, literally. Literally.
Drew Phillips
Yeah.
Unknown
I.
Drew Phillips
There are people from my class who have kids and stuff, but they're still fun people from Miami. So I guess, like, yeah, Miami's just, like, different, but I think it'll be fun. Also, I think me and Sicard are planning on, like, doing the first ever, like, you know, the nationals cheer teams. We're gonna do the first ever, just, like, duo team of it, and we're still figuring out the songs on the rotation, but right now it's. Fuck. I have to ask him what exactly it was. Yes. And by Rihanna, by Ariana, and then. But every transition is gonna be the really aggressive transition.
Kai Newman
Who's transitioning?
Unknown
No, she. She was talking about something else.
Kai Newman
Oh, sorry.
Unknown
Continue, Anya.
Drew Phillips
No, that was kind of it. As I was going, I was like, actually, this is.
Unknown
I'm sorry about my bi friend.
Drew Phillips
Your what?
Unknown
My bi friend.
Drew Phillips
That's not what that is.
Unknown
I didn't get invited to my reunion.
Drew Phillips
You have to get invited.
Unknown
I don't know, because I didn't get it. I didn't hear about it.
Kai Newman
Oh.
Unknown
But I don't even know if it happened. And I also don't know if a.
Drew Phillips
College one, you know, I get invited. I can't imagine who from my school would reach out. Like, yeah, how does that happen?
Kai Newman
It's always. It's literally, like, one person that, like, is like, oh, we should to do this. And then they. Yeah, they, like, message you on Facebook.
Drew Phillips
Me and Sicard are gonna be the people and do, like, a crazy pep rally. Like, I want a concert. Like. Like, that would be fun. That would be so fun.
Kai Newman
Beam.
Unknown
Ah.
Drew Phillips
We're gonna get DJ Chipman to perform Ecstasy. Was it Grind mode? Grinder Daddy?
Kai Newman
No.
Unknown
No.
Drew Phillips
It's gonna be a whole lineup. It's gonna be crazy tricks. We're gonna get JT and Young Miami back together.
Unknown
Whoa. That's exciting.
Kai Newman
I would love that.
Drew Phillips
That's not gonna happen.
Unknown
The last time I was in my hometown, I drove by my.
Kai Newman
Bye.
Unknown
Imagine you as my therapist. Gay guy struck by lightning. As my therapist.
Kai Newman
Bye.
Drew Phillips
You drove.
Kai Newman
Bye.
Unknown
Let's talk about that part.
Kai Newman
Let's talk about that pussy.
Unknown
Yeah. Recounting your sexual traumas. That pussy.
Kai Newman
Talking about that pussy.
Unknown
Oh, that's on fire.
Drew Phillips
Tell me what that pussy has been through. True.
Unknown
I drove by my. My middle school, and I got hit by such a. Such a potent wave of nostalgia that I slept the rest of the day at my parents House.
Drew Phillips
Oh.
Unknown
It was really weird. I was like, this is crazy.
Kai Newman
Do you like nostalgia, or you hate it?
Unknown
I don't. I think it's. It's like a squarely melancholy feeling, which I do think part of.
Kai Newman
I really. I. I don't know if I kind of love nostalgia because I love being sad, but it, like, makes me so sad.
Unknown
Yeah, it hits me in a way.
Kai Newman
Oh, God. I wonder what, like, the evolutionary advantage of nostalgia is. Is it just, like, memory?
Unknown
Like, better? Like, that's a good question.
Drew Phillips
I, like, kind of don't think we need nostalgia as much as, like, it's being used now.
Unknown
Like, I think it's gotten weaponized for sure now.
Drew Phillips
It's like, it's literally a problem. But I've also never been because I'm not somebody who I wish I was better because I do have friends who are really good at documenting everything, and they're, like, super obsessed with nostalgia. Sorry. Drew is topping Kai off, and it.
Unknown
Actually feels pretty good this time. Okay.
Drew Phillips
Ew.
Unknown
Well, that one was on my prostate, and, you know, I like that.
Kai Newman
Bring up prostates right now, you know, you can't bring up prostates right now, y'.
Unknown
All. Do not bring up prostate.
Drew Phillips
I need somebody to go back and track all the times during a mental health crisis. Drew Phillips has publicly talked about a disease that he has but doesn't have.
Kai Newman
Guys, my Dradder bladder. My drag. My Dradder isn't planing. My bladder isn't draining properly.
Unknown
Wait, what do you mean?
Kai Newman
I can't finish peeing when I go pee. And, like, this happened to me in, like, January, and then it just went away. And I didn't think anything of it. I didn't go to the doctor. And then this happened, and I was like, oh, I need to get this looked at. So my. Oh, my God, my doctor was so creepy, y'. All. I. Oh, my God, my doctor was a weirdo freak, like, And I, like, kind of was obsessed with it.
Drew Phillips
I know you are, because he's gone back. Back three times.
Kai Newman
Yeah, well, no, they keep scheduling appointments because they think I have cancer. Hodgkin's lymphoma, as he said, which also.
Unknown
I'm like that to you.
Kai Newman
That's what I was saying. Like, a doctor should not even. Even if there's, like, an inkling inside of them, they should not say that to a patient ever. He was like. He did, like, a lymph node screening, and he, like, ran through all my things, and he was like, could be Hodgkin's Lymphoma, like, let's get you in tomorrow. And I was like, like, oh, my God.
Unknown
What?
Kai Newman
Oh, my God. But I, like, Like, I know this is, like, probably illegal. Like, I don't know. Like, but like, he was really weird from the jump. Like, really weird. Like, he, like, looked at me, and within like, five minutes, he was like, kind of sneak dissing me. And he was like, listen, like, like, in my office, like, we treat, like, all types of kids around your age and like, like, like, like people that live under a bridge. And he, like, held his hand out and pointed at me like, no, literally, he was, like, insinuating that, like, I was like a homeless kid. And I looked at my outfit and I was like, girl, what the. Like, I was wearing, like, a nice ass outfit. And like, he was like. He was like, you can really trust me because we treat, like, all types of people like you. And I was like, what the is hap. Like, literally what is happening? And, like, there was a very clear switch. Like, you know when a doctor asks you, are you, like, sexually active? Yes. Man or woman? Man, there's like, always there. There's like this brief hesitation. Literally, his was like, oh, cool. And, like, he moved on. But then he started getting weird and creepy. Like, he was not present him telling.
Drew Phillips
You you could possibly have, like, essentially terminal cancer, like, within.
Kai Newman
Well, no, he. He was like, could be Hodgkin's lymphoma, but, like, that's like, the best cancer to get because, like, there's like a 90s, 90, like, success rate. And I was like, in, like in that moment when I was watching this man, like, you know how actors, every once in a while, they're like, like, I met this person and I, like, the entire role was, like, fulfilled. Like, I knew how I was going to act based off this person. Like, this person is my muse. Like, I was like, if I was an actor, this dude would have been a gold mine. He was so bizarre. But, like, like, I. I, like. I don't know how to describe it. Like, he.
Drew Phillips
He kept trying to, like, wrote a doctor curse.
Kai Newman
Neither have I. But he kept trying to, like, prove himself to me. Like, prove his, like, coolness, improve his, like, intelligence. And, like, he would be like, I'm not gonna speak doctor speak to you. Like, I'm gonna, like, I'm gonna, like, lay it how you want. And then he'd like, go on this, like, really long, weird, winded, like, hyper medical terminology. Like, just, like the. Just something I literally would never understand. Like, even if I went to college for like, five years. And I'd be like, what? And he was like, oh, sorry, sorry. But he kept trying to, like, prove how smart.
Drew Phillips
I forgot.
Unknown
I literally went, what sounds like a. Like two children in a trench.
Kai Newman
No, it literally was giving that. And I think what happened, I, like, started psychoanalyzing him and I was like, one. Like, we're in this giant medical building and he's on the fourth floor and it's all doctors above him and they all perform surgeries. And. And he made it very clear to me that he didn't do surgery. So I think he's like, a little insecure about his place in, like, the medical space. And like, he. He went on this, like, also long winded tangent about, like, like the medical equipment he uses and how, like, in this building, like, we have the best equipment. Like, all the other doctors. Doctors, like, come to me for, like, medical testing. And I was like, dude, whoa, this is like, this was crazy. But yeah, the. The off my computer.
Drew Phillips
He literally is just the underdog. He's. You got trapped in a room with, like, the Anthony Fantano of music critiques. It's like everyone comes to me and nobody gives a. Apparently.
Kai Newman
No, that's literally like, it was.
Unknown
It was like the Anthony Fantano of doctors.
Drew Phillips
Yeah. Like, he's like, oh, I'm no. I'm no like, established critic, but it's funny. Iron wants to know my score. Like, that's that guy's vibe.
Unknown
Yeah.
Drew Phillips
I don't think Anthony Fantano has ever talked like that, but if I was him, that's how I would talk. So I'm kind of just projecting onto that person.
Kai Newman
Yeah.
Drew Phillips
And I've actually never seen a full video.
Unknown
I was thinking about Anthony Fantano the other day because. Because I saw he gave an album a bad review, and I was like, this is kind of a scary job to have to. To honestly give music and so entire subcultures and like, insane fans bad reviews and objectively give it a number and be like, this is a bad thing. And I'm like, that would be really scary to have that job, I think. I don't know.
Drew Phillips
I would be much more inclined to talk about things I liked than the things I didn't like because I'd be.
Unknown
Terrified of pretty consistently like. Like, I don't know if I agree with a lot of his takes, but I feel like he does have his own integrity, which I.
Kai Newman
With.
Unknown
Which is cool.
Drew Phillips
Which is really what, like, I think a critique's job when it's Something that subjective is. Is, like, take your information and, like, make sure, like, that's your opinion.
Unknown
Yeah, but I'm like, at any one point, this guy probably has, like, half a million people that have lost their minds that, like, want to kill.
Drew Phillips
Yeah. And at any one point, the worst man you've ever liked and had a crush on was watching every review based.
Kai Newman
His entire music personality off of Anthony Fantano's, like, top five albums.
Drew Phillips
People aren't becoming more gay. People are realizing they have been gay. And that is a sign of a recession. No, that's a sign of a gay man is. Why are you obsessed with another man's playlist? Essentially.
Kai Newman
Wait, the amount of gay people is a recession indicator?
Unknown
Really? Does that spike before a housing crisis?
Kai Newman
Yes.
Unknown
Yes. We're at an hour, so.
Kai Newman
Whoa.
Drew Phillips
I have to cut everything I just had for the last 30 minutes.
Unknown
For the last 30 minutes?
Drew Phillips
Yes.
Unknown
You were saying so much funny stuff.
Drew Phillips
No, I was. I'm kidding.
Unknown
Okay, good. I hate that. No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. I don't like that.
Drew Phillips
Oh, wait. I think I found my carry with edit. I did. This one sucks. I think this is one of my first edits.
Kai Newman
I'm in love. Me and my big hat. Like, was that, like, supposed to be chic or was it supposed to be silly?
Drew Phillips
I think it was supposed to be, like, sexy and silly. Question mark. But, like, I don't really know because something about the fashion world is they actually don't play around about weird hats and, like, specifically, like, a top hat. Like a very structured. Like, I don't know why that's. There's so many more hats. I don't know why that's the one. Dude.
Unknown
It was really sad about the new Sex and the City is. I personally am like, I don't think that the outfits and wardrobe is great in the new Sex and the City, but it's so good and, like, so much of the original show. And I was like, it's really sad to see some of the fits that they're pulling.
Drew Phillips
I never finished Sex and the City past season five because I. I can't lie. I was like, enough. Enough.
Unknown
Really?
Drew Phillips
Enough? Yeah. I was just like, get over it. Oh, my God. Which is. I'm. I'm sure I missed a lot, but I've seen, like, two of the movies.
Unknown
The movies aren't even canon, in my opinion.
Drew Phillips
But they're funny.
Unknown
They are really funny.
Drew Phillips
And that's kind of all that matters if you ask me. Trying to see if I have any More like cap cuts that I want to, like, show and tell because I. Oh, wait. I posted my Nathan one.
Kai Newman
That's fine. That's literally fine. Giggling and kicking my feet.
Drew Phillips
Stop literally giggling.
Kai Newman
Imagine him making you laugh, like, when y' all are just embarrassing.
Drew Phillips
I don't think he could actually make me laugh that hard if I'm being so honest. I think he would actually make me incredibly uncomfortable, actually.
Kai Newman
I agree. I think he would scare the out of me.
Drew Phillips
I don't think I. I don't think that's someone I actually want to be around. Most of my, like, crushes and people I find attractive are people I want absolutely nothing to do with, and I don't believe they should be, like, in my life.
Kai Newman
Then why am I here?
Drew Phillips
Because I use you like a sex object. That's different. I don't have a crush on you.
Kai Newman
That's true.
Drew Phillips
My. My fire doesn't burn in my heart for you. It burns in my. My clitoris.
Unknown
Yeah, Drew's going through it because Drew.
Drew Phillips
Gave me HPV and bv.
Unknown
That's not cool.
Kai Newman
That's dirty dick. They call me dirty.
Drew Phillips
We can't stop giving each other BV because neither of us wants to stop hooking up, and neither of us wants to stay on antibiotics.
Unknown
They call me Kai. Big perfect penis Newman, y'.
Kai Newman
All, we gotta. We gotta go. What?
Drew Phillips
Yeah.
Kai Newman
Yeah, we gotta go. We're losing it.
Drew Phillips
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. All right, Drew. We're not my media of the week.
Unknown
We're not friends.
Kai Newman
Stop.
Unknown
That was sexy, right?
Kai Newman
No.
Unknown
No. Okay.
Kai Newman
We keep trying, though.
Drew Phillips
Okay?
Kai Newman
Okay.
Drew Phillips
My media of the week is Shoot the Mood by Judy Suki and Pale Shelter, Tears for Fears. One on one hall and Oates Every. Oh, Daylight by Lancy.
Kai Newman
And in the daylight, we can sit up our phone.
Drew Phillips
Cause in the day and Baby Pink by Camila Cabello.
Kai Newman
My media is Music is my hot, hot sex. 30100 million by Soulja Boy. Music is my hot, hot sex is CSS Machines Dream by Nobukatsu Takamori. And then what song was I listening to earlier that I was like, oh, eventually by Tame Impala.
Unknown
Ooh, that is a good one.
Kai Newman
That is such a sick song.
Unknown
So easy to shit on Tame Impala, but some of those songs are really good.
Kai Newman
Yeah, it's like, he's just, like, a victim of, like, over saturation and popularity, but, like, he. He's really good.
Unknown
Did you know that? It's just one guy.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, I didn't know about Tame and Paula until Rihanna did a cover of their song and then I was hanging out his song.
Kai Newman
It's one guy.
Drew Phillips
Same difference. I don't give a.
Kai Newman
Like, Aphex Twins is one person.
Drew Phillips
That's tw. They're two people. No. Bye, guys.
Kai Newman
We signed to I Heart. Yay.
Drew Phillips
Oh, wait, I forgot about that. Also, if you haven't noticed, I'm sure you have on our cover. It has a little I Heart logo. And that's because we signed to iheart, which is insane because I grew up listening to the radio. And the reason I do this is because I wanted to be on Elvis Duran in the morning show. That was my dream. My dream was actually to take Elvis's job. But luckily enough annoying people online liked me and I Heart now likes me.
Kai Newman
So now expect some major changes. Everything is gonna change like this. Everything gone.
Unknown
We're being censored.
Kai Newman
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The hosts are gonn be flipped out.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, it's going to be Kai and his sister next week, so it's going.
Unknown
To be me and my sister, so.
Kai Newman
Be ready for that.
Unknown
No, but we joke around, but there's going to be a Kai cam. We're just figuring out the. What resolution. I want it to be imax.
Kai Newman
Yeah, he wants it projected on the back wall back there.
Drew Phillips
What's it called? Project.
Kai Newman
Projector Mapping.
Drew Phillips
Projector. Mapping Kai onto, like, random toys.
Kai Newman
Wait, that's actually genius.
Unknown
But yeah. Guys, about Kai Cam. I got the emails of the production team. I've been emailing them a lot, got their phone numbers and I found their instagrams and I DM'd.
Drew Phillips
Why are you DMing like iheart crew?
Kai Newman
Yeah. Don't DM the women on the I Heart Crew.
Unknown
No, it was at 3am I don't think that they saw it.
Drew Phillips
So what did you say?
Unknown
Hey, what's up?
Drew Phillips
Why wouldn't you just say it was for work? Why would, like.
Unknown
I don't want to freak them out.
Drew Phillips
Yeah, I think a bad habit I've had Since we signed iHeart is I keep texting people once the workday is over and only when the work day is over. So usually I like, email everybody back back around 6pm and I just blast their emails all night. So their phone is on the counter. It's like. Yeah, but it's really useless questions like, oh, my God. Or not even questions. I'm like, so excited we're with you guys now. And then, no response. Because, like, they responded the first, like, hundred times.
Kai Newman
Yeah, yeah, but we're super excited. Threading a lot of value to our show. So we're like, I know. We're, like, really? We're. We're keen on showing you the future of emergency intercom because we have some big, big plans.
Drew Phillips
Big things coming.
Kai Newman
All right, thanks for listening. Bye.
Drew Phillips
Bye. This is an I Heart podcast.
Emergency Intercom – Episode: "Suffering is Inevitable"
Release Date: July 16, 2025
Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips (iHeartPodcasts)
Overview
In this episode of "Emergency Intercom," hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips dive deep into a whirlwind of personal anecdotes, humorous mishaps, and candid discussions about relationships, substance use, and the quirks of daily life. Titled "Suffering is Inevitable," the episode masterfully blends comedy with relatable struggles, offering listeners both laughs and moments of reflection.
1. Navigating Sexual Orientation and Relationships
The episode opens with a lighthearted yet revealing conversation about sexual orientations and the complexities of romantic interactions. Kai Newman shares an amusing incident where Drew Phillips takes him to a gay bar, leading to an unexpected and chaotic night.
As the discussion unfolds, Drew and Kai humorously dissect the concept of bisexuality, touching on societal perceptions and personal experiences.
Kai candidly addresses misconceptions about his own bisexuality, emphasizing his preference for hooking up with women despite being bisexual.
Their banter highlights the fluidity and often humorous misunderstandings surrounding sexual orientation.
2. Substance Use and Coping Mechanisms
The hosts transition into a candid discussion about their relationship with alcohol and other substances. Kai openly admits to struggling with alcoholism, while Drew humorously self-identifies more with drug addiction.
Quote:
[06:23] Kai Newman: "Mind you, y', all, I'm like, I'm low key, like an alcoholic now."
Quote:
[06:43] Drew Phillips: "I'm more of a drug addict than. You are not a true alcoholic girl."
They explore how substance use serves as a coping mechanism for stress, sharing anecdotes about day drinking and the subsequent hangovers.
Their honest and humorous take offers listeners a glimpse into the challenges of managing substance use in social settings.
3. Awkward Social Encounters and Personal Mishaps
A significant portion of the episode revolves around the hosts' awkward and often hilarious interactions in social environments like bars and parties. Kai recounts an encounter where a stranger first insults and then unexpectedly compliments him, leading to an amusing twist.
Quote:
[40:32] Unknown Speaker: "I didn't know if you."
Quote:
[40:39] Drew Phillips: "He's like, you're handsome. You're beautiful."
This segment underscores the unpredictability of social interactions and the humor that can arise from uncomfortable situations.
4. Physical Hygiene, Quirks, and Personal Habits
Delving into more quirky territory, Kai and Drew discuss their unique hygiene habits and personal quirks. From flushing toilets with their feet to using bidets as a form of emotional relief, their conversation is both funny and oddly relatable.
Quote:
[36:21] Drew Phillips: "And I just go into my little snack bag and I pull out chips and sour airheads."
Quote:
[37:09] Drew Phillips: "But, like, it feels illegal to. Like, my ears are ringing. Someone's talking about me."
Their playful banter about cleanliness and bodily functions adds a layer of candid humor to the episode.
5. Fandom, Celebrity Interactions, and Nostalgia
Kai shares a heartwarming yet humorous story about meeting a favorite comedian, highlighting the awkwardness of fandom and the blurred lines between admiration and personal interaction.
Quote:
[22:18] Kai Newman: "I love a snack."
Quote:
[24:34] Unknown Speaker: "I was on this medication where I have to eat a lot."
The conversation shifts to reflections on nostalgia, with Kai expressing a love for nostalgic feelings despite their melancholic undertones, while Drew questions the relevance of nostalgia in modern times.
Quote:
[51:36] Drew Phillips: "I feel like you just get attacked like that kind of often."
Quote:
[51:50] Kai Newman: "I love being sad, but it, like, makes me so sad."
6. Upcoming Plans and Changes with iHeartPodcasts
Towards the episode's conclusion, the hosts discuss exciting future endeavors, including special episodes and changes resulting from signing with iHeartPodcasts. They tease listeners with hints about "Kai Cam" and other innovative plans, blending humor with genuine enthusiasm.
Quote:
[64:50] Drew Phillips: "Yeah, we're being censored."
Quote:
[65:24] Drew Phillips: "We're gonna get DJ Chipman to perform Ecstasy."
This segment emphasizes their commitment to evolving the podcast and engaging listeners with fresh content.
Notable Quotes with Timestamps
[02:04] Kai Newman: "No, bisexuality is not real."
[06:48] Drew Phillips: "We are both the same where when we start engaging in something, we have to make it public known because we're like, this is bad. This is bad."
[18:34] Kai Newman: "It's like, it's the most persistent, like, stream of consciousness, like, questions I've ever had in my life."
[40:32] Drew Phillips: "He was like, you're handsome. You're beautiful."
[51:50] Kai Newman: "I love being sad, but it, like, makes me so sad."
[64:37] Drew Phillips: "Yeah, we're losing it."
Conclusion
"Suffering is Inevitable" showcases Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips' unparalleled chemistry, blending humor with raw honesty. Through their engaging storytelling and candid discussions, they offer listeners a relatable and entertaining glimpse into the trials and tribulations of everyday life. Whether navigating awkward social encounters, grappling with personal quirks, or planning the podcast's future, the hosts maintain a perfect balance of comedy and authenticity, ensuring that "Emergency Intercom" remains a beloved staple in the comedy podcast circuit.