The percs of being a wallflower (holiday episode)

Summary

Emergency Intercom: The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Holiday Episode) – Detailed Summary

Release Date: December 22, 2023
Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips
Podcast Description: Emergency Intercom is a comedy podcast by Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips. There is no emergency, but there is an intense need for attention, so maybe listen up… You don’t want to know what happens if you don’t. (We will be violent.)

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1. Holiday Decorations Gone Awry

The episode kicks off with Drew Phillips welcoming listeners to the holiday special. Kai immediately dives into a rant about how modern holiday decorations have lost their traditional charm, critiquing the minimalist and colorless aesthetics found at stores like Target.

Notable Quote:
Kai: “Bring back red and green Christmas. What happened? Why gray and beige and white? Like, I've had a nut.” (01:38)

Discussion Points:

• Minimalism Overload: The hosts express their frustration with the overuse of neutral colors in holiday decorations.
• Loss of Tradition: A nostalgic plea for the return of classic holiday colors like red and green.
• Visual Disappointment: Kai recounts seeing garlands that were meant to be vibrant but ended up causing her to feel nauseous due to their bland appearance.

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2. Super Glue Fiasco

The conversation shifts to a humorous yet chaotic anecdote about the misuse of super glue. Kai shares a story about accidentally getting super glue on her fingers while repairing a 3D print, leading to painful and lasting effects.

Notable Quote:
Kai: “Gorilla Glue started smoking, like, and it literally, like, it was like a smoke ring. It like. Like, it blew up and smoked up, and I was like, oh, wow. Like, I literally gonna die.” (05:19)

Discussion Points:

• Safety Hazards: The dangers of using super glue improperly, including skin burns and chemical reactions.
• Humorous Escalation: The exaggerated reaction to the mishap adds a comedic flair to the story.
• Friendship Dynamics: Rain interjects to highlight the absurdity of the situation, enhancing the comedic effect.

---

3. Childhood Memories and Pet Mishaps

Kai and Drew reminisce about their experiences with pets during childhood, sharing tragicomic stories about hamsters and fish. Kai narrates the accidental drowning of her hamster due to a cat's interference, while Drew shares the chaos caused by flushing a large fish.

Notable Quote:
Kai: “There was police tape around Drew's childhood bathroom, literally. And my cat killed my hamster. And, like, it literally, like, was in a cage, like, probably trying to escape.” (31:11)

Discussion Points:

• Pet Care Blunders: Both hosts recount humorous yet sad incidents involving pets, highlighting childhood naivety.
• Parental Reactions: The stories emphasize the consequences faced by children for their pets' mishaps.
• Emotional Impact: Kai mentions crying for months over her hamster, adding a layer of genuine emotion to the comedic tales.

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4. Praying and Personal Struggles

The hosts delve into personal reflections about prayer and coping mechanisms. Kai shares a story about praying for pink eye to avoid school, while Drew discusses his attempts to connect with a higher power during moments of boredom and frustration.

Notable Quote:
Kai: “I woke up from that procedure with the gnarliest pink eye of my life... I was like, wait, that's crazy.” (37:36)

Discussion Points:

• Coping Through Prayer: Both hosts discuss unconventional and humorous reasons for praying, blending personal struggles with comedy.
• Embarrassing Moments: Kai’s desire to have pink eye for school freedom and Drew’s bout with pink eye and a sty add relatable humor.
• Generational Differences: The conversation touches on how different generations perceive and handle personal challenges.

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5. Media Consumption and Its Impact on Children

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing modern children's media, with a focus on how shows like "Cocomelon" and "Blippi" affect young minds. The hosts critique the overstimulation and lack of educational value in contemporary children's programming.

Notable Quote:
Kai: “Ms. Rachel. Like, there is literally video proof of my sister's daughter, like, learning how to clap from the TV show that she's watching.” (45:55)
Drew: “Blippi who is a child show, like kids show host, you know Blippi, you've seen him in Walmart and he did the Harlem Shake challenge...” (46:18)

Discussion Points:

• Educational Value: Contrast between shows that genuinely teach (e.g., Ms. Rachel) and those that provide no substantial learning.
• Overstimulation: Concerns about the rapid pacing and excessive colors/music in modern shows disrupting children’s cognitive development.
• Content Consumption: The immense influence of accessible technology on children’s viewing habits and attention spans.

---

6. Listener Submissions and Community Engagement

The hosts read and react to listener-submitted jokes and comments, adding an interactive element to the episode. Submissions range from humorous one-liners to playful roasts directed at each other.

Notable Quote:
Kai: “Y' all be eating lamb chops for attention. Them hoes taste like missing people. Shout out ana. A, N, N. Yeah. An I S a Ana period.” (50:35)
Drew: “If Joe Biden said that, I would re vote for him.” (51:12)

Discussion Points:

• Humorous Interactions: The playful banter and roasts enhance the comedic atmosphere of the podcast.
• Community Connection: Engaging with listeners through their submissions fosters a sense of community and involvement.
• Diverse Humor: The variety of jokes and comments showcases the hosts' ability to adapt and respond to different comedic inputs.

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7. Music and Media of the Week

Towards the end, the hosts share their favorite media of the week, including song recommendations and book suggestions. Kai discusses audiobooks like "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion, while Drew lists his eclectic taste in music ranging from Electric Light Orchestra to contemporary artists.

Notable Quote:
Kai: “Spotify added audiobooks, and you actually can use them now... I was, like, 'The Year of Magical Thinking'.” (52:33)
Drew: “My media of the week is Telephone Line by Electric Light Orchestra...” (52:08)

Discussion Points:

• Personal Recommendations: Sharing favorite media allows listeners to discover new content and understand the hosts' personalities better.
• Diverse Interests: The range of books and music highlights the hosts' varied tastes and broadens the episode's appeal.

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8. Closing Remarks and Final Laughs

The episode wraps up with final thoughts on family dynamics during the holidays, encouraging listeners to cherish family time despite the chaos. The hosts exchange a few last laughs over humorous observations and listener submissions before bidding farewell.

Notable Quote:
Drew Phillips: “The wallflowers be like, don't even... Yeah, thank you guys so much for listening. I hope you guys have an amazing holiday...” (49:53)
Kai: “Peace and love on earth and more. May all your wishes be granted.” (55:55)

Discussion Points:

• Family Insights: Acknowledging the emotional complexity of family gatherings during the holidays with a comedic twist.
• Positive Send-Off: Encouraging messages promote a warm and inclusive end to the episode.
• Humorous Highlights: Closing jokes and shout-outs leave listeners with a final laugh, enhancing the overall enjoyable experience.

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Conclusion

"The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Holiday Episode)" of Emergency Intercom offers a blend of nostalgic reminiscence, personal anecdotes, and sharp humor. Through engaging dialogues and relatable stories, hosts Drew Phillips and Kai navigate various holiday-themed topics, from decor complaints to childhood pet mishaps, all delivered with their signature comedic flair. Notable quotes punctuate the episode, providing memorable highlights that resonate with both regular listeners and newcomers. This episode not only entertains but also fosters a sense of community and shared experiences, making it a standout holiday special in the Emergency Intercom series.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Drew Phillips]

Hi, welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Happy Holidays.

[Kai]

Happy holidays. The liberals ruined Christmas. The liberals ruined Christmas.

[Drew Phillips]

They literally did. We went to Target before this to get, like, decorations and the minimalism throw up that was all over that. Target was really, really scary.

[Kai]

Too much.

[Drew Phillips]

Our children are going to grow up.

[Kai]

Bring back red and green Christmas.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

What happened? Why gray and beige and white? Like, I've had a nut.

[Drew Phillips]

A beige Christmas. Have a beige Christmas. Everything was, like, woody and gray and nasty.

[Kai]

And like I said, I saw this, like, garland that was, like, like, supposed to be, like, hung up on the walls and. And it was just wooden balls and, like, I almost threw up. It's supposed to be, like, rainbow ornaments.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, well, because, you know, who took the rainbows from us? So we don't get to use that anymore. They have to save all their rainbow paint for July. Or is it June? June. You would know.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

You wouldn't know.

[Kai]

Wow.

[Drew Phillips]

Got him. If you're wondering why Drew looks like that, it's because he doesn't know how to wear that.

[Kai]

I grew my beard out.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. And we bleached it with splat. So it's never going back to normal ever again.

[Kai]

Is it supposed to. Is my nose supposed to be covered?

[Drew Phillips]

No, your nose is not supposed to be covered with the mustache.

[Kai]

When you took that picture earlier, I was like, why does it look like. And it's because it's like, all the way up to my eye.

[Drew Phillips]

It is, like, the cheapest thing I think I've ever seen, like, on the planet.

[Kai]

No it's fully brick.

[Drew Phillips]

You should just gorilla glue it like that girl did with her wig.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

And then you won't have to worry about it slipping and sliding.

[Kai]

We were talking with Rain. Thank you, Rain, for letting us use your house. It's gorgeous.

[Drew Phillips]

Your gorgeous house. Because our kitchen corner is scary.

[Kai]

Shout out, rain. Shout out, rain. But we were talking about, like, the girl that gorilla glued her hair down. Like, and Rain was like, bro. Like, how did she think the gorilla snot? Like, it literally looks like glue.

[Drew Phillips]

Also, it, like, burns. Like, anytime you get super glue or something on your skin, you have like a chemical reaction. It literally, like, starts to, like, whisker right here. Is there a What?

[Kai]

Oh, I thought this was a cat whisker. Never mind.

[Drew Phillips]

She doesn't have a cat.

[Kai]

I know. I thought it was left here from the past. People or it fell off one of our. Yes. I've been keeping a whiskers.

[Drew Phillips]

Really? I never see his whiskers around.

[Kai]

I found three and two in the last two days. He's really stressed out. He's losing his.

[Drew Phillips]

He's losing his grip. Why are his whiskers falling out? But yeah, how did she not know? Because, like, anytime I've gotten super glue on my fingers, it burns. Like, it literally burned so bad. Like, our, like, animal bodies know immediately that that shouldn't be on our skin. So how did she, like, put it all over her forehead?

[Kai]

I literally was gluing together like a failed 3D print. Like, I was trying to, like, piece it back together. Oh, wait. We literally showed it in the last episode. I was trying to gl. Arm back onto that print and let me take this off. Cuz it's like, actually itching my nose. It's like it's straight up asbestos. Like, it's up.

[Drew Phillips]

It's drywall. What's the thing you fill walls with? It's fiberglass. You had to take off your fiberglass beard.

[Kai]

But I was like, gluing the arm back on that figurine and like, I dripped like five or six drips of the super glue onto my middle finger and ring finger and it literally started smoking. And I thought, like, just. I. I didn't think anything of it. But then, like, I, like, tried to wipe it off really quick because I was like, I've had super glue on my fingers. It's not that deep. I used to glue my fingers together and pull them apart because it, like, felt good.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, that is, like, not normal.

[Kai]

I know someone has done that. Yeah, that's.

[Drew Phillips]

That's no with hell Elmer's glue or something. But he said he did super glue.

[Kai]

It's fun. Like, it doesn't.

[Rain]

Oh, that's dangerous.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

That's really weird. Y' all are now officially the op.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, y' all are now officially bestowed as the op.

[Kai]

Yeah, but I didn't think anything of it, but Gorilla Glue started smoking, like, and it literally, like, it was like a. Almost like a smoke ring. It like. Like, it blew up and smoked up, and I was like, oh, wow. Like, I'm literally gonna die. And then I just had, like, super glue fingers for, like, three days. But I read online just, like, keep it moisturized, and, you know, I keep that moisturized. Like, no, I used your Birito rose hand cream.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, the oiliest cream on that. I do. But I like, have this problem with, like, all my nice cre. Out of my mouth because my, like, skin is so dry. I usually only put it, like, on my arms and hands because the rest of my body absorbs cream so fast that, like, I would need to go through that whole tube to moisturize my body. And then I'm like, I get to smell good for one night and one night only.

[Rain]

You know who else's body absorbs cream really fast?

[Drew Phillips]

Yours. No drink, because you're ran through. And you let everybody. Like, Kai was sitting on the couch on you.

[Kai]

Yeah, he was sitting on the couch earlier, talking about how he can easily fit a tennis ball up his butthole. He can just sit on it.

[Drew Phillips]

You know how some people are like, oh, my God. I. Like, I don't want anybody to come on me because, like, the mix of water and I'm like. Is really gross. Kai literally is always like, that doesn't matter, because it just seeps in. It's like, he's like a shamwow, but only for.

[Kai]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. This is a Christmas episode.

[Drew Phillips]

It's supposed that we can bleep that. We can bleep that.

[Kai]

It's supposed to be whole.

[Drew Phillips]

Y' all better be watching this on the living room TV with your whole family around you.

[Kai]

Oh, literally. I bet there is a family out there that listens together.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, but that's the same family that in, like, the 2000s would do a wife swap. And they were like, the hippies. Do you know what I mean? Like, they were like, we believe in peace, and now we're those families.

[Kai]

Intake of we love you media, but did y' all. Okay, I have to go back to this, because I was like, I wanted to talk about it, but we got sidetracked but did y' all ever do this? And I'm being dead serious. I'm not even, like, making this a bit. Like, this is something I used to do, but I would sit on the stairs at my house, and I would grab, like, a needle and stick it under the first layer of my skin. Okay, good. Because. Yeah, yeah. And then I would, like.

[Drew Phillips]

I think every kid did that once they realized they have, like, 8 million layers of skin and it won't hurt her. But then every time you pinched yourself and it hurt, you were like. Like. And then you would just leave it alone. Like, you wouldn't try again.

[Kai]

You'd make, like, a blood blister under there. Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

And then you would bite the blood blister.

[Kai]

No, I never did that.

[Drew Phillips]

I did that.

[Kai]

Hell no, I would do that.

[Rain]

I would make it bust.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, well, keep going, cuz he's getting really weird. We've let him get away with too much already this episode, so being uncomfortable. Drew, you've upset him.

[Rain]

Drew was seeing, like, figures before the episode started.

[Kai]

I. I don't think that was a real person. I think it literally was, like, probably.

[Drew Phillips]

Reflect over to us while we were all sitting at a box eating, because Rain, like, just got her crib, so it's actually so cute. It's like, in the beginning stages where you're, like, eating on top of boxes so you're not, like, hurting your back. And we were all sitting watching Tik Toks, and Drew came over. He was like, there. There was someone outside. There were. They. They took a picture and they left. And, like, I was talking.

[Rain]

His face went white.

[Kai]

I swear. I.

[Rain]

There's a ghost.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, it's because his hypoxia.

[Rain]

Brain damage.

[Drew Phillips]

He's not the. The quickest he's ever been with his brain.

[Kai]

It's literally. It's from the 3D printer gases that are like, my.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, Drew's still sleeping in my bed.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah. We. We're gonna do it again tonight. Like, a little farewell. Like, a goodbye. Like, I always think about that. We haven't, like, hung out other than, like, working, which is annoying as well.

[Drew Phillips]

That's. I don't like hanging out with you. Oh, so hanging out with you while we work is already enough? And I'm like, I need a detox. I. Have you been realizing I would juice cleanse every time we finish working? No, I know, because I need to cleanse my body.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew Phillips]

And I'll probably go get, like, a lymphatic drainage massage after this.

[Kai]

Can we just move On.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. I mean, sure.

[Kai]

So it's officially over for me.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay.

[Kai]

Like, I'm down tremendously bad. Like, it's so over. Like, it's not even.

[Drew Phillips]

What happened.

[Kai]

23Andme was hacked, and they have my data. They have all of my data. They have all.

[Drew Phillips]

What is the data on there that's like, so important?

[Kai]

My entire genome.

[Drew Phillips]

But what does that even mean? Like, somebody. It's like, oh, my God, someone knows my blood type.

[Kai]

Literally three decades away from, like, cloning human beings. Like, they are going to literally clone me.

[Drew Phillips]

You're already pushing 30. You're not getting cloned. They want the young people. They don't. In three decades and 30 years, I'm in my prime.

[Kai]

I'm in my prime.

[Drew Phillips]

You are in your prime.

[Kai]

If I was in the NBA decades.

[Drew Phillips]

No one is going to want to clone somebody who's, like, 56 years old.

[Kai]

No, they're cloning my. They're cloning my prime DNA. And also, the telomeres have nothing to do with it.

[Drew Phillips]

What the is telomeres?

[Kai]

Kai?

[Drew Phillips]

No, do not.

[Rain]

Don't.

[Drew Phillips]

We don't. Okay, we can move on.

[Rain]

It's the strands in your DNA that shows your biological age.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, okay.

[Kai]

And you know what's crazy about the telomeres is when you eat a bunch of sugar, your glycogen levels. Kai, take it away.

[Rain]

Okay, so when you eat sugar, basically, your telomeres shorten, and that basically means you're going to die soon, so you shouldn't eat sugar.

[Kai]

Y.

[Drew Phillips]

Literally, all of y' all are going to die. Cuz we all just ordered candy.

[Kai]

Literally, not helic candy.

[Drew Phillips]

Insert what Drew had for dinner last night. This is dying. I will say I had a bite of his famous bowl, and it was yummy. The famous bowl from KFC will always be good. Even though it, like, actually tastes like I just ate a bunch of cans and, like, rations in a basement.

[Kai]

You didn't just have a bite. You had the entire. Hold on, hold on. You had a quarter of it, and then you went and made fun of my chicken wrap with macaroni and cheese on it.

[Drew Phillips]

No, that I didn't make fun of. I was begging for a bite of that. Because he told me when he described it, at first, I was like, that sounds awful. And then when he got there, I was like, wait, this might be yummy. So that was my dinner. Was a few bites of Drew's catastrophe dinner. Oh, okay. And you're a hoe.

[Kai]

Oh, did I have.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, you had, like, a hanging little, like, pube.

[Kai]

Okay, wait, wait.

[Rain]

I was. I was a little bit curious about. You guys mentioned that Josiah was on American Idol.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Rain]

Is there footage of that?

[Kai]

No, he didn't make it through.

[Rain]

Oh, really?

[Kai]

There's like, four tryout rounds before you can even be on tv. And they.

[Drew Phillips]

So, like, all the people who suck on American Idol, they literally were like, this is gonna be good. We're like. Which is so Psychological torture, evil.

[Rain]

Damn. I thought there was, like, footage.

[Drew Phillips]

No, if there was footage, we would have that on law. That would be on my. I would. That would be my first story highlight on my Instagram.

[Kai]

I was gonna say I would post it on my story every other day. Like, Josiah flopping on American. That got talent.

[Drew Phillips]

American. They got talent.

[Kai]

Okay. You.

[Drew Phillips]

Should we say what our stalking stand for?

[Kai]

Oh, I didn't.

[Drew Phillips]

I got one for Drew because they didn't have an E. Yeah.

[Kai]

And I got one for qa. Non Q. If you're listening, that was a sign from Q. Oh, my.

[Drew Phillips]

Why did you think you could yank that and it wouldn't fall?

[Kai]

Can you suck my balls? Yeah, I would do that. Do that. Challenge. What does your stand for?

[Drew Phillips]

Mine stands for hole. For Drew's hole.

[Kai]

Butthole. We got X for Kai because he's the X factor.

[Rain]

Oh, you got one?

[Drew Phillips]

No, because we want to X him out of our lives, but we don't know how yet. So we're thinking about it.

[Kai]

I got it because I was like, it's the X factor. And then you said that. That.

[Drew Phillips]

That is why he said.

[Rain]

That'S so sweet. I didn't know that was for me, guys.

[Drew Phillips]

Because you will. You will never be.

[Rain]

Because I'm small and I'm done.

[Kai]

Because he's really petite.

[Drew Phillips]

Because you're so tiny. Yeah.

[Rain]

Did you guys know my waist size is 8?

[Kai]

24. 24.

[Rain]

It's 8 now.

[Kai]

No way.

[Rain]

Yeah, it's 8.

[Drew Phillips]

How are you alive?

[Rain]

I don't know.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't even think there's babies who are in eight.

[Kai]

Nasty. Drinking boob milk all the time. You think you're so.

[Drew Phillips]

Dude, you were the ugliest baby.

[Kai]

I was so ginormous.

[Drew Phillips]

If I had two of them.

[Kai]

You know what's crazy is my mom literally loved us and thought we were cute like she saw.

[Drew Phillips]

That's that mother disease. Moms always think their babies are cute, and they're.

[Kai]

I think there is, like, a word for it. I don't.

[Drew Phillips]

Delusion.

[Kai]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen the baby picture? It's crazy.

[Drew Phillips]

He's disgusting. I bet if you look up Drew Phillips baby. You can find it.

[Kai]

Yeah, dude.

[Drew Phillips]

You, like, somehow came out of the womb looking like you were being held in an air fryer dehydrator.

[Kai]

And, like, it was crazy.

[Drew Phillips]

You were like, when you put Skittles in a dehydrator, that's what you look like as a baby.

[Kai]

I, like, puffed up out the sides like a macaron. No, it's crazy. Like, I literally look. Yeah, that's not even the picture we're talking about. That was like.

[Drew Phillips]

What'S crazy.

[Kai]

Wait, Sabrina, send that to Kai. The head is so long. It's so long.

[Rain]

That one's all right, but the other one, you got body.

[Kai]

I look unhealthy.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, what's crazy is they posed them up, so that was probably the best picture.

[Kai]

No, that's what I'm saying. Which that was a few days after I settled into, like, my skin disease that I was born with. But. Okay, while that one pops up, I do want to talk about. Don't read my notes. These are all supposed to be surprises.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, well, I'm trying to see if you get a text. I want to see who's texting you.

[Kai]

Okay. And if I was actually so jealous.

[Drew Phillips]

In bed last night, I was like. I fell asleep right before one, and Drew was getting texts all night.

[Kai]

You see it? Yeah, that's it. That's alien baby gasping for air. Like, I have no right. I was bigging.

[Drew Phillips]

They gave him peanuts too early, and they didn't realize he was allergic.

[Kai]

Was I, like, literally was big and greedy in their womb, and Madeline was, like, three quarters of the size of me or. No, like, one quarter of the size of me. She was, like, this big, and I was just, like, this ginormous hunk of meat. Like, I was a giant baby.

[Rain]

The.

[Kai]

What were you saying? Wait, what were you saying?

[Rain]

You look. I was gonna say you look less moisturized than those aliens that we found.

[Drew Phillips]

What do you mean? Y' all didn't find aliens? Ignore him. He's. He's. He's breaking.

[Rain]

I didn't want to reveal that on this episode that we.

[Kai]

Okay, The Mexico aliens.

[Rain]

It was us.

[Kai]

Delivered it to him because they gave us the best deal.

[Rain]

Yeah, they gave us the best deal for the bodies. No, no, he's right. He's right.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Sorry.

[Kai]

What were you saying, though, girl?

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know.

[Kai]

You were jealous of me.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, you were getting. Okay, that. That's why you remember. You are crazy. Something is wrong with you. But he was getting text, like, all through the night, but then I did look over and it was family group chat, so I didn't care.

[Kai]

Oh, and you're jealous. No, you're jealous as. Because people love.

[Drew Phillips]

Because I thought you had people want.

[Kai]

To communicate with me. I'm just a pleasant person to talk to. I haven't responded to my family group chat in months because I'm the black sheep and everything I say is just weird. Everything I say is weird. Okay. But if everything genuinely everything, if it goes wrong for me, I've decided what my next venture in life is gonna be. And like, I think I, I can give myself to like 35 to figure my out. And if I don't, this is when I start going down this rabbit hole. But I think I want to be like a ninth grade teacher. Like, I'm not even kidding.

[Rain]

Oh, that's really sweet.

[Kai]

I actually think I do. I was watching this guy's tick tock today about like his ninth graders and like he posts a video every single day, like after school just talking about an event that happened. And like the amount of euphoria that I was like getting like thinking about like teaching a bunch of ninth graders and like them being mean to me. But then we have us having like a little rapport and like me having the kids that I.

[Drew Phillips]

So you want to be bullied by like teenagers?

[Kai]

No, no, no. Just like, you know, the b. I.

[Drew Phillips]

Know what you mean. Also you have boogers so the away from me.

[Kai]

How long did you let that go on for?

[Drew Phillips]

Like literally 3 seconds. Cuz I want, I didn't want to cut you off. Oh, I thought you rubbed it on her carpet. I used to want to be an English teacher when I was in ninth grade. And that's what I thought I was going to do because I was like, actually I don't think I'm going to make it into entertainment because I'm too annoying. But then I thought about it. I was like, I would 100% go to jail for hitting a kid. Like, let someone talk back to me. Like I would be those. You know when you see videos of teachers and you're like, why is this teacher going back and forth with a child? It's so unnecessary. And I feel that. But then I think about it and like in that position I would go crazy. Like, yeah, teachers who deal with teenagers or middle schoolers are so brave. But even people now I feel like a bunch of teachers in like elementary school are talking about how gnarly kids are now and they're like, but dumb because they just want to be on Tick tock. And, like, I'm back.

[Kai]

What are you talking about?

[Drew Phillips]

We're talking about how dumb kids are.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been seeing a bunch of videos, too, of teachers being like, oh, we're like. Like, it's never, ever, ever been this bad. And that's where every generation says people.

[Rain]

Are on their phones and chat GPT.

[Kai]

It's literally just, like, since everyone grew up in the pandemic, like, on online school and that, like, their reading levels are, like, four levels below what they should be. And, like, it's just crazy. But, like I was saying, that's where I come in to save the day.

[Drew Phillips]

You think you're gonna make a generational change?

[Kai]

Yeah, I'm gonna raise.

[Drew Phillips]

How many schools will you be teaching at?

[Kai]

1. But I'm gonna raise some geniuses. Like, I'm gonna raise the people that are gonna change the world, because that's all children are, is the next generation.

[Rain]

You'll be able to say the world because you grew up during the pandemic.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Yeah. You are only 17.

[Kai]

Yeah, I, like, forget that a lot. I just hang around a lot.

[Drew Phillips]

You get to go to prom?

[Kai]

No, actually, it was, like, during the pandemic, and it was really sad. I've just been hanging around, like, a lot of older people recently, and I do forget my age sometimes, and it's just, like, I need to, like, slow down and, like, also, y' all give me, like, hella drugs. It's, like, weird. Like, my brain isn't even developing.

[Drew Phillips]

Cool. And we'd rather have you do it at home than do it with, like, people we don't know.

[Kai]

I'm not.

[Rain]

We don't want you at some random house just, like, doing pills and. Yeah, I want you doing it here with us.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, we'd rather you take a perk and play.

[Kai]

I want to park so bad.

[Drew Phillips]

Please. The wallflowers, guys. The wallflowers be like, don't even.

[Kai]

Like, no one cares because what you said.

[Drew Phillips]

I want to perk so bad. And I said the wallflowers be like.

[Kai]

Oh, my God, that sucks.

[Drew Phillips]

The perks for being a wallflower.

[Kai]

Yeah. The perks of being a wall.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

[Kai]

So y' all know that feeling?

[Drew Phillips]

No.

[Kai]

Like, when you get home and, like, you didn't have to go to the bathroom, but, like, you're walking up the stairs to your apartment, or, like, you're walking through the garage door and, like, your body, like, senses somehow senses that, like, bathroom nearby. I need to, like, unload, like, my piss now or I'll die. Like, y' all have had that. Yeah. There's a name for it. It's called the latch key. Incont. That's not the word. I just have a type.

[Drew Phillips]

But both words have a typo, so.

[Kai]

It might be incontinence. It's latchkey incontinence. Maybe I could be wrong, but there is. That is like, a universal experience for everyone where they, like. It's like something to do with, like, your mind, like, understanding that unlocking the door and walking up these steps and smelling this scent all means that there's a bathroom nearby that you're comfortable in. And it's just like, let's evacuate now.

[Drew Phillips]

All that reminds me of is that video of that lady who's like, anybody else's baby notice when they get back home. And it's like her going down her driveway that's like cobblestone and like, bumps, like the baby waking up. But it's because, like, that's the thing.

[Kai]

I was talking about earlier. The mom, like, mom. It starts with a D. The mother delusion. No, no, no, no, no.

[Drew Phillips]

I know what you're talking. Like, how they think their baby is the cutest, but they also think their baby is, like, the smartest.

[Kai]

Yeah, yeah. What is that word? Someone it in the comments because it's gonna drive me insane.

[Drew Phillips]

You were not gonna check the comments for that.

[Kai]

I literally will.

[Rain]

Oh, I'll look it up for you right now, Drew. I'll look it up right now.

[Kai]

Thank you. It's like dissonance. Is it mother's dissonance?

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know.

[Kai]

I think dissonance is like cognitive dissonance.

[Drew Phillips]

Cognitive dissonance, I think, is when you, like, detach yourself from something. So I don't think it's mother's dissonance.

[Rain]

Well, maybe Drew's mom had the dissonance.

[Drew Phillips]

Probably she had to give it to herself because she was looking at that.

[Kai]

She was so scared of me, she disconnect.

[Drew Phillips]

That's why there's a lock outside of your door. Your mom planted it. Cuz she was like, he'll know. He's home.

[Kai]

Yeah, they still, every once in a while, will just lock me in my room when I'm sleeping, which is so incredibly dangerous.

[Drew Phillips]

Jump out the window if all else fails. It's only the second.

[Kai]

Whatever helps them sleep comfortably at night. Sure.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, your parents lock you in the house?

[Kai]

Yeah. And you do.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, you deserve it. So I get like. I just had to take notes from them because I was like, I Honestly.

[Kai]

Agree, like, and share, take notes.

[Drew Phillips]

I've never been to a Walmart, so.

[Kai]

I. Oh, you would know a lot about a Walmart. I don't know anything, actually. Like, you would know a lot about a woman.

[Drew Phillips]

You seem like a Walmart expert.

[Kai]

Justin Bieber. Walmart. Justin Bieber. Okay, I've had this note taken down for literally months. And stop reading my notes.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm literally not. I'm just like, my caveman brain sees an iPhone screen, and I'm just staring.

[Kai]

At it, like, open eyed, like, practicing for school. Stop reading my notes. I see your one.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm literally doing what I do when I go to a restaurant and I see a menu. Like, words mean nothing, and I'm just looking at something because my eyes are trying to, like, find something to entertain me because I'm so used to looking at something.

[Kai]

Yeah. When you go to, like, dinner with, like, a new person and y' all are still, like, trying to figure each other out and, like, sniffing each other's asses, like, just seeing what type of person they are. Like, I do that only when I'm doing that.

[Drew Phillips]

No. No matter who. I go to a restaurant, I will look at the menu and not look at it. Like, I can't read it.

[Kai]

No. When I'm like, if I don't know the person and we're just, like, learning who we are, like, learning a lot about each other. Like, I'll look at the men. You as, like, this, like, safety barrier.

[Drew Phillips]

Like a buffer.

[Kai]

Yeah, it's like a buffer to the conversation. So I can, like, plan in my head how I'm gonna respond and what person I'm gonna be. Because I'm a psycho.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm a psycho.

[Kai]

No, I thought I would date someone.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm a psycho.

[Kai]

I can. I can literally change my personality on who I'm communicating with. And y' all are jealous.

[Drew Phillips]

That's what you think is happening in your head? Like, that. That's how Drew's perceiving his social interactions. But, like.

[Kai]

Like, Drew is the same steps ahead.

[Drew Phillips]

But he's the same person every time we're around new people. Like, I know the kind of person.

[Kai]

You are when I'm with you, because I know the person I get to be when I'm with you. But when I take meetings without you or I meet new people without you, you don't know that.

[Drew Phillips]

I feel like you act, like, way more normal.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, you tap into, like, because you're.

[Kai]

Not there to bounce off of.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. I have no buffer when I meet new People. It's actually a big problem. Like, it's crazy. I will leave every social interaction being like, damn, I really dominated that for no reason. Like, well, why did I do that? But it's okay because people love me. Actually, everybody was replying to that. Close friends. It was like, do not change. We love you. Like that. Oh, I was like, oh, can I have sex with you?

[Kai]

No, I thought Salem was gonna reply to that. I just thought I had, like, a female's intuition. We need to start calling women female. No, but I've been meaning to talk about this for literally months. It's just been in my notes for, like, a long time. Him. Oh, wait, does this guy think I'm gonna be meeting him at the door?

[Rain]

Is this Grindr or.

[Drew Phillips]

Dude, the way you use your phone.

[Kai]

Oh, my God, no, he's three minutes away. When I get the notification, I'll let one of y' all know, and then if you wouldn't mind. But I've been meaning to talk about this for so goddamn long, and it's just been in my notes, and then we just never get to it. And we might have already talked about it, and I just am not remembering. But hamsters, like, literally, hamsters, like, they're crazy.

[Rain]

Okay?

[Kai]

They're like little pandas.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm actually gonna lose my mind. I think I'm, like, done now. I'm actually starting to cry. Like, what are we doing?

[Kai]

No, no, no. I have tears in my eyes. I can't believe we both broke at the same time.

[Drew Phillips]

No, I think that's it. Like, we were done.

[Kai]

Like.

[Rain]

The outro. Music play.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God, dude. Like, I was like, what? I'm literally crying. Like, I quite literally crying. Like, I don't know what that just did into me, but, like, that made me feel every, like, like, nerve in my body. And I, like, realized I was here and I. I felt the fire behind me and I, like, just came to.

[Kai]

You're welcome. I grounded you. No, but I just more meant, like, how hamsters die really easily.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. Okay. Hamsters are the most abused pet ever.

[Kai]

Like, give them to, like, a six.

[Drew Phillips]

Year old and let them, like, grab them and, like, throw them around their room.

[Kai]

That's what I'm saying. They're like little small pandas. Also, if you look at them, they, like. And, you know, the videos are, like, pandas falling everywhere. But what I recently found out, and I'm sure everybody already knows this, and this was already fucking commenting it because they want to, like, get to the fucking punchline quicker than Me. Because they're so much better than me. Oh, my God. Oh, the food is literally here.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God. Something's wrong with you.

[Kai]

But hamsters literally hibernate. They go into hibernation.

[Drew Phillips]

I didn't know that.

[Kai]

I know. No one knew that. So, like, half of the time when. Yes. When kids thought their hamsters were dead, the parents thought they were dead too. They were literally in hibernation. And we all just buried our hamsters alive. Yes, I know that. Literally just gagged around scared.

[Drew Phillips]

Did you have a hamster? I was gonna say, I feel like you fully had a hamster and it.

[Kai]

Was probably in hibernation.

[Drew Phillips]

You killed your hamster.

[Kai]

Yeah. You used to feed it pencils. No, that's a vibe. Like, to chew on the w. Like, I get it, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just not the teeth.

[Drew Phillips]

It's for the teeth. Giving your hamster lead poisoning and being like, oh, that's their favorite snack.

[Kai]

But yeah. So a lot of people just were killing their hamsters because they were in hibernation and they didn't realize it. So a lot of y' all are murderers. And if you're worried about go. You're. If you were going to hell or not, you for sure are now because you literally buried a creature. You're over.

[Drew Phillips]

The same children who had hamsters when they were younger are like, the equivalent to iPad babies. Babies. Does that make sense?

[Kai]

That's like.

[Drew Phillips]

That's like, before there were iPads, you would give your kid a hamster to, like, go play with.

[Kai]

Yeah. It was also like, my parents reasoning was, like, to, like, teach us that other things are alive and we have to, like, respect that. But I. We had fish, and then my brothers poured like three liters of coke in their fish tank one day, and the fish, like, jumped out to survive and they just landed on the counter. But I saved them. Them.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. And you won an award.

[Kai]

Yeah. And I was really young. I love it. Let me. Let me. Let me finish the hamster thing real quick.

[Drew Phillips]

You can get back on the couch.

[Kai]

One time I, like, before school, my mom and dad got really pissed at me and my sister because we were like, neglecting our hamster as like a seven year old does. Like, we weren't cleaning its cage properly.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, I know your room smelled like. I mean, it literally did just straight up, doo doo factory.

[Kai]

It was hell. And we were, like, not taking care of it properly. So our parents were, like, very adamant, like, clean this critter's cage right now. Or like, you're grounded. So, like, we started the cleaning process, and, like, we put the hamster in the sink inside the cage with the door shut after we finished cleaning it because, like, we had to, like, clean the. The basin next. And we just, like, didn't have enough time before school because it was just like, whatever. So we went to school, and then we came home, and my cat had snuck into the bathroom of the. Where we were cleaning the hamster's cage. And since the hamster cage was in the basin to, like, the sink, the cat had accidentally turned on scorching hot water, and it was on for literally, like, four hours. And the hamster literally drowned inside the cage stage. And my brother, like, walked in and was like, you can't see.

[Drew Phillips]

Experience fear factors.

[Kai]

Yes. And they were like, you can't. My brother was like, you literally cannot see this. Like, you. You don't. You don't want.

[Drew Phillips]

It was a crime scene.

[Kai]

There was, like, police tape around Drew's childhood bathroom, literally. And my cat killed my hamster. And, like, it literally, like, it was in a cage, like, probably trying to escape. Like, it was literally so sad. I literally, like, cried for months over that hamster because I was like, like, wow. Like, this is my fault.

[Drew Phillips]

Natural selection.

[Kai]

Literally. Like, don't be a stupid hamster if you're going to drown. Like, challenge.

[Drew Phillips]

Don't be born a hamster if you don't want to be drowned by.

[Kai]

Yeah, but.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, we had a sucker fish, and it was huge. Like, are they called catfish or sucker?

[Kai]

Like, the ones that, like, they're called plecos.

[Drew Phillips]

Stuck. Get stuck to the glass, and they, like, clean the algae off.

[Kai]

They're called plecos, Are they? Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, we had one of those, and it got really big, and it was humongous, and it died while my dad. Dad was at work. And, like, we. When our fish would die, we would, like, put them in the toilet and, like, sit over and be like, bye. And, like, flush the toilet. And I was like, oh. Like, we thought we were getting ahead of the curb. And I was like, oh, we're gonna flush it. It was humongous. Like, it literally was the size. Like, we could have eaten it. Like, it was so big. And we threw it in the toilet, and we were like. Me and my little siblings were like, oh. Like, yeah, it was one of those. And we were like, oh, my God. Like, rest in peace. Like, we love you so much. You were amazing. And then we flushed the toilet that got. Got stuck in the pipes, and my dad came home and was like, why isn't the toilet working? And we were like, I don't know. Like, I don't know what happened. Like, we haven't done anything. And then my dad took off the pipes just to find our fish stuck in the pipes.

[Kai]

And my dad was like, oh, dude, who the flushed the fish murdered y' all's fish.

[Drew Phillips]

As far as we were concerned, that was not moving for a long time, dude.

[Kai]

But if I was your dad, I would have been like, oh, wow, they killed my fish.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Yeah. My dad was like, why did y' all do that? Why didn't you wait till we get home? And we were like. We thought we were, like, getting ahead of it. We didn't want it to stink.

[Kai]

That's sweet, though.

[Drew Phillips]

And then we all got in trouble because he had to replace a bunch of the pipes because he had to literally saw one of the pipes in half because it, like, the mouth of it got stuck to, like, the curve in the pipe. So he, like, took it out and was trying to get it out, but it was, like, stuck in there.

[Kai]

Oh, that's.

[Drew Phillips]

So we didn't have a toilet for a few days.

[Kai]

That's so dark.

[Drew Phillips]

We all had to poop in the backyard. It was so weird.

[Kai]

Okay, I do have a question for you. Did you ever, like, pray over your bed? Like, did you ever get on your knees and pray?

[Drew Phillips]

I think you just called me Drew, by the way.

[Kai]

Okay, No, I said a question for you.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, no, you said, drew, I have a question for you.

[Kai]

No, I didn't.

[Drew Phillips]

Literally, I swear to God.

[Kai]

Did I?

[Drew Phillips]

Actually, I have a question for you.

[Kai]

No, no, no, no. I said dude or something.

[Drew Phillips]

No, you said Drew. Cuz I was jarred. Cuz I was like, oh, are you setting me up? Like, you want me to ask you? Yeah, I used to, like, get down and pray cuz I thought I was evil and I was going to hell cuz I was annoying.

[Kai]

I. I wrote a big note down because, like, I would get over my bed and pray for just like, real, like, pray for my family's health. But then I would add in there, like, I want to break a bone. Like, can you just, like, give me a cast? Like, can you break. Can I break a bone so I can get a cast?

[Drew Phillips]

Or like, kind of prayed like that recently, not for a broken bone, but, like, I was, like, bored as. And I was like, can I have.

[Kai]

A billion dollars or something?

[Drew Phillips]

I was, like, down bad. I was like, damn, you know what? It. Like, I'm. I'm here. And I literally got down at my Bed. Like, the bed I have to now. And I was like, this is a good prayer, like, area. And I, like, got down and I.

[Kai]

Prayed every once in a while. I'll do that. I'll pray when I have nothing else to give or to.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm like, the love of my family and friends isn't doing it for me right now. I got. I got to speak to a higher.

[Kai]

Power, and it works. I wake up the next day good every time. But I remember specifically this one time. This is so gross. I don't even want to say it.

[Drew Phillips]

It did you like, why did you.

[Kai]

It's actually not gross. I. I just prayed to get pink eye because I was like, in my head, I was like, pink ey is the most lit disease to get. Because, like, I didn't know what it was at the time.

[Drew Phillips]

You didn't know? It came from Dooo Munch. It literally came from Dooo Monk.

[Kai]

You weren't, like, sick as a dog, but you got to stay home from school in my head. So I was just like, cool. Like, I want pink eye.

[Drew Phillips]

Kids came to school with pink eye at my school all the time, and they tried to hide it, and they'd.

[Kai]

Be like, like, why would you not want to stay home with pink ey?

[Drew Phillips]

I think most kids weren't, like, allowed to stay home because their parents had to work and whatnot. So boring.

[Kai]

Boring. I got to stay home and eat chips and ride in the golf cart.

[Drew Phillips]

I literally. Because, like, I grew up with, like, a single parent, I was not allowed to stay home when I was sick, so I would have to go to school. I remember one time my dad thought I was lying, and I literally had thrown up everywhere in the office. I was like, I'm not making myself throw up. And he was like. He was like, did you kiss someone? And I was like, what are we talking about? I think I was in middle school. And he was like, I think you kissed someone and you got sick. And I was like, you think I kissed someone today and immediately got sick. Period was like, fastest moving metabolism ever. The fastest turnover ever.

[Kai]

The most violent disease of all.

[Drew Phillips]

And then my godfather was like, bruh, she did not kiss someone. Like, she's definitely just sick.

[Kai]

And my dad was like, not my end.

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know. I don't know. I think she kissed someone. Now I was kissing.

[Kai]

You can't get, like, mono from kissing. That's how I learned, like, what, like, kissing was, because we had to, like, be taught what mono was.

[Drew Phillips]

If you were, like, 20 and you got Mono. You need to go to jail. You're too old.

[Kai]

Before we move on from that, I wanted to tell this really, really nasty story about how when I got pink eye, I. I've probably already told it, but it's been enough time, and there's probably a bunch of new listeners. But when I was really young, I was. I mean, I still have them, and they just never figured out why. But, like, I would get, like, really gnarly constipated, and, like, it would be, like, painful, like, blockage. And then I would also get, like, anytime I would eat, I would get so nauseous that I would throw up. Like. And this went on for, like, four months. And I, like, lost a lot of weight. No, they literally don't know what it is. But. But so they were like, let's go in and look. So I got, like, a colonoscopy when I was, like, 12 or 13. And I didn't know this at the time. My parents didn't know this, but they also scheduled me for an endoscopy. So colonoscopy is up the ass, Endoscopy is, like, down the throat. And then I woke up from this procedure with, like, a feeding tube in my nose that went down to my stomach to, like, measure my bile and, like, like, acid levels. Well, anyways, I woke up.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, God answered your prayers. You want to stay home for school that bad?

[Kai]

I know. Literally, I. And I had to carry, like, a pouch around that, like, measured, like, when I would have to, like, click a button when I would eat.

[Rain]

It was from the Matrix.

[Kai]

Yeah. It was so nerdy. It was so, like, so whatever.

[Drew Phillips]

But if I was in your school, I would have popped that bag.

[Kai]

Yeah, literally. No, it wasn't like, a Bouch. It was, like, a big electronic brick that I would, like.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, you had a pager.

[Kai]

Yeah, yeah, literally. But it was huge. And I had to carry it around, like. Like a purse. I was so embarrassed, but I Like.

[Drew Phillips]

What you got in that?

[Kai]

Wait, wait. Listen, listen, listen. I woke up from that procedure with the gnarliest pink eye of my life, meaning that they did not properly clean after my colonoscopy and gave me pink eye when they. And I don't know if they use the same tube or what, but, like, that. It was the gnarliest, like, pink I've ever had. It was. Was violent. Like, I literally thought I was gonna go blind. And my parents were like, oh, like, must have been from the surgery. And I was like. Like, I. I was like, wait, that's crazy.

[Drew Phillips]

Someone off, and they literally, after touching your butt, they rubbed your eye.

[Kai]

Yeah, literally.

[Drew Phillips]

They're like, this annoying ass Kid farted in my pillow.

[Kai]

Madeline farted in my pillow.

[Drew Phillips]

I only got pink ey once, and it was when I got Covid and it was when that was, like, at the beginning of coven when they were like, oh, if you, like, randomly get pink eye or a sty, it can and you are sick at the same time. It can be a sign of COVID And I woke up with pink eye and then got a sty. Like, the pink ey went away almost immediately, and then it turned into a sty.

[Kai]

I have bad news.

[Drew Phillips]

It's cuz you farted on my.

[Kai]

No, I didn't fart on your pillow. I inside of it. I ripped it open and inside the fluffing, and it's still in there. It's just like, no.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, I got new pillows, and I put my old pillows in your room, so you've been sleeping on your it.

[Kai]

That backfired. That backfired like crazy.

[Drew Phillips]

That ain't go high plan.

[Kai]

But back to praying. I used to pray to be. Never mind. We're moving on.

[Drew Phillips]

You were using God for weird reasons. Oh, well, you better keep praying.

[Kai]

You better keep praying.

[Drew Phillips]

We should start praying for that together. Like, tonight before we go to bed. We're on opposite sides of my bed.

[Kai]

Like, please, please, please. Well, since we're on, like, medical.

[Drew Phillips]

Literally my new year's resolution.

[Kai]

Yeah, literally same. Like, unironically. Literally the same. But since we're on medical, I really do think I have one really short leg and one, like, really long leg.

[Drew Phillips]

You just walk like that.

[Kai]

I think one of my legs is, like, genuinely, like, a quarter or half.

[Drew Phillips]

Of the stem from me saying, you were hobbling around the house.

[Kai]

I've always thought this. Like, if you look back in my notes, I would just write it down randomly because I was so, like, I can't stop hobbling, literally. And I do have, like, such, like, a strange, like, cadence to my step, and I. The only way I can explain it is that one of my legs is shorter than the other. Like, by, like, a very.

[Drew Phillips]

No, it's because you spend too much time in your bed, so your body has to re.

[Kai]

Acclimate to walking every, like, five minutes. Spine is stretching back out. But, yeah, I just wanted to get that off my chest because it's really dark.

[Rain]

Wait, Drew, do you not know that one of Your legs is 6 inches shorter than the other?

[Kai]

No.

[Drew Phillips]

We put stilts on you every night, so you Just wake up, we take them off at night and then we put them back on.

[Kai]

One of my balls is shorter than the other. But that's a classic man thing to be worried about.

[Rain]

Yep.

[Kai]

Yeah. Like when you're like nine and you're like, fuck, dude, like, like my balls, like, I think I'm broken. One of them is like longer than the other one. And then you Google it and you find out like, it's normal.

[Rain]

It's normal.

[Drew Phillips]

You're just after Jimmy Neutral. When anytime I watched the old cartoons we grew up watching, I was like, this is why I'm so annoying. Like, they were so goddamn annoying.

[Kai]

Dude. That one billion three eyed monkey. Because it's like Joe Rogan.

[Drew Phillips]

Is that actually Joe Rogan's company?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Are you lying?

[Kai]

Hi, I'm Paul. Is Joe Rogan's company?

[Rain]

No, it's not.

[Kai]

Shut the up.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. The other one clarified for me because I wouldn't have known that.

[Kai]

No, but you have a.

[Rain]

Like a. You have like a relative that's very young, right?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Rain]

Do they. And they watch cartoons or what do they watch? Like, I've been watching shorts. Okay. Because they don't watch like SpongeBob and anymore.

[Kai]

Right. They do like.

[Rain]

Oh, really?

[Kai]

Yeah, still like the biggest cartoon.

[Rain]

Where do they watch it?

[Kai]

Just on, on tv, dude. I was watching like Disney plus and stuff.

[Drew Phillips]

Like carries like kids cartoons.

[Kai]

They also like DirecTV, like cable boxes and still run it. But I was watching my nephew watch Spongebob 1. The new Spongebob is so bricked. It sucks.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like, it's beat. It's horrible. Like, don't even get me started. But also, like, was so crazy because there would be like a QR code like permanently in the corner. And then there would be like another little screen down here playing like an advertisement. And then like another little screen would pop up halfway through the episode and play like, like another cartoon. And then the corner down here would just have like a cockroach run by, like, it was so weird. And I was like, damn, dude. Like, we are like down tremendously bad. And it just reminded me of that like hyper reality, like, augmented reality video that like everyone was obsessed with for a little bit or it literally probably was just me. But like, there's like this video where it shows you, like, what augmented reality is going to look like in a few years. And it was just like really freaky. But it's like 10 years old now.

[Drew Phillips]

Like if you watch Ren and Stimpy. It's crazy how slow the pacing of that show is. And like, all those older cartoons that we grew up watching, the pacing is so slow. Even like the Looney tunes from like 2009, like, where it's like, Daffy and Bugs Bunny are living together. I was watching that on the plane.

[Kai]

Punk was in Looney Tunes.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, they were always in Looney Tunes. They were Looney Tunes. But if you watch those now, like, I was re watching Random Stimpy because I was like, I loved it as a kid. I want to re watch it. Or even like Pinky in the Brain, like all that older stuff.

[Kai]

Horrible shows.

[Drew Phillips]

It used to. Oh, okay. Wow.

[Kai]

Terrible.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Horrible.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. What did you like to watch?

[Kai]

Porn.

[Drew Phillips]

You watched porn when you were like six.

[Kai]

Duh. Okay, you didn't.

[Rain]

That's badass, right?

[Drew Phillips]

No, dude, that's like. That's like almost. I. I would even say that's child abuse use.

[Rain]

That's cool. I watched porn when I was six.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. You gotta start him young and macro. That's why he's addicted to macro. Do macro dosing porn now because he, like, was watching so much of it. But like, the pacing of those shows is so slow compared to newer shows. Like, if you watch like a newer kids cartoon, something is happening. Every frame there's like a loud noise or like, it's super colorful. Like, think about Coco Melt Melon. I will never forget, like, I know a woman who had a baby like last year. And we were like, oh, it's when we were in the cabin and she, she. I was like, genuinely just curious because I have a bunch of cousins who like baby cousins who watch Coco Melon. And. And I was like, oh, does your baby watch Coco Melon? And she said, when she said this, it literally changed my mind about children's cartoon. And she was like, I genuinely believe that letting your child watch something like Coco Melon is like giving your baby LSD before it even has, like, cognitive reality. And your baby, like, anticipating that kind of like, intense attention and like, quickness forever. And it's going to be debilitating. And I was like, oh, my God.

[Kai]

Like, I. I do believe that to a certain extent. But, like, there are some good children shows that I'm like, damn. Like, that's really. It actually is like teaching kids something. And it's specifically Ms. Rachel. Like, Ms. Rachel. Like, like, there is literally video proof of my sister's daughter, like, learning how to clap from the TV show that she's watching.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, it's kind of like the idea, like, there's always been, like, Kurt's The Cowardly dog was not good for us. Like it was literally so like existentialism core for children and like things like that aren't. That's the show that inherently good for kids. But there are shows like Blippi, like the fact that that Blippi guy got away with like on someone putting it.

[Kai]

Online and then just talked about that. Yeah, yeah, dude, Blippi literally did. There used to be this video going around of the Harlem Shake. But Blippi who is a child show, like kids show like host, you know Blippi, you've seen him in Walmart and he did the Harlem Shake challenge. But then when the drop happened, he, him and his homie got butt ass naked and he had his homie spray him with out of his butt. So there's video getting all over. I screen saved it because Blippi and his team do everything in their power to erase that video from the Internet because it is really gnarly and it's like maybe the most horrifying and disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. And the fact that he's like a child show host is crazy to me. But I believe also because I don't.

[Drew Phillips]

But I believe people could change. But I don't think it comes from like an actual real place of giving a about teaching children anything because I.

[Kai]

Remember he's getting his bag.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Literally. I feel like that's the big problem is like we all know like now that children have so much access to media. Like, like it used to be reversed. Like you used to have to really have a craving and a want to be within children's education in media and entertainment. And it was like so sparing that you were actually making something that was like teaching children something because nobody wanted to put money into it. Because there was this idea that kids shouldn't even be in front of the tv. So why the would you put money into it? And now we all know that children literally have access to iPhones and iPads by the time they're three years old old. So there's so much money in putting a screen in front of a baby's face. So so many people make children's content because the bag is endless because children also children's re watch value. Like imagine how many times we were sitting and throwing on a VHS. Like 18 times in a row. Like I would watch.

[Kai]

What is a VHS?

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I forgot. I keep forgetting. You're 17.

[Kai]

Yeah, I don't know what that is.

[Drew Phillips]

So a VHS is like this old timey like idea of like. It was kind of like film panels. It was almost like, you know, boring.

[Kai]

Give me an eye pat. IPad.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, sorry.

[Kai]

Give me my iPad.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, I'll give it to you. Do you want. Do you actually need it now? Okay, we'll cut.

[Rain]

Yeah, we have to cut for to get his iPad.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay.

[Rain]

How old are you at this point?

[Kai]

13.

[Rain]

Oh, you're 13? Drew regresses because I feel like a couple years ago you were 16.

[Drew Phillips]

He ages really slow. Okay, how does this sound?

[Rain]

That sounds good. That sounds good. It sounds like the ocean waves crashing.

[Kai]

How does this sound?

[Rain]

That sounds good. That sounds really good.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, that's it for the Christmas episode. I hope you guys have an amazing holiday. Whatever. You celebrate it. You celebrate it to the fullest. And get so drunk with your family. And hopefully someone cries, because that's what Christmas with your family is about. Somebody will cry. And you will most likely be the therapist for your family. And if that's your job, kudos.

[Rain]

Yep.

[Drew Phillips]

You're doing the best you can.

[Kai]

If you're a boy, hide in your room. Play on your PS5 Fortnite. Don't interact with any of your family members because you're the.

[Drew Phillips]

And you better get high as. Get scared of your whole family.

[Kai]

Yes. No, genuinely enjoy your family time. I think we need more family time time.

[Drew Phillips]

Am I the only one who thinks family is back in.

[Kai]

Family is going to be. Family is going to be back in a big.

[Drew Phillips]

Our Trend forecast for 2024. I think family is back.

[Kai]

No, literally, though. Like, it better be. But let me do a Drew scop. I only have one today.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God. Wait, we have one that's in the email.

[Kai]

Oh, really?

[Drew Phillips]

I think so.

[Kai]

Well, I'll do this one. I put myself in your shoes, and now my feet stink.

[Drew Phillips]

I was good. That was good. All right.

[Kai]

Oh, wait, here. Let's see. Y' all be eating lamb chops for attention. Them hoes taste like missing people. Y' all are eating lamb chops for attention. M. Hoes taste like missing people. Shout out ana. A, N, N. Yeah. An I S a Ana period.

[Drew Phillips]

That is really funny. Oh, my God. That's how I feel about, like, eat goat, too. Like, that literally tastes like dirt roads.

[Kai]

Oh, wait, here's another one from Janine.

[Drew Phillips]

Janine. Janine. Janine.

[Kai]

Before you gossip about me, rub your coochie and sniff your hand, sis. Wait, wait, wait. This one's from Janine. Before you gossip about me, rub your coochie and sniff your hand, sis, because you got bigger fish to fry. Apparently Joe Biden said that.

[Drew Phillips]

Whoa.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

If Joe Biden said that, I would re vote for him.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

That's how Joe Biden could get my vote back. I really don't with him right now, but I'm not kidding. If he got on the podium, I'd be like, I gotta give it to him.

[Kai]

Guys, I really do read your psyop Corners. I'm not gonna read your middle and last names because I don't want to dox you, but. Janine, right?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, Janine.

[Kai]

Y' all. Shout out, y' all. Y' all came in clutch.

[Drew Phillips]

I feel like I found one that I wanted you to to read. Oh, no, I didn't find one. I wanted to show you this that Tyrell showed me.

[Kai]

Jolene.

[Drew Phillips]

Jolene. Y' all like lobster?

[Kai]

Are those isopods?

[Drew Phillips]

No, they're lobster, but somebody, like, cut them up and tried to present them nicely, but they look like roaches.

[Kai]

Literally.

[Drew Phillips]

They're literally big ass roaches.

[Kai]

We'll insert the picture for y' all. All right, well.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, wait, here's some media of the week. I just did my media yesterday. My media of the week is Telephone Line by Electric Light Orchestra, folk song by the Sundays before the day breaks, Robin gutry, Gutry, Robin gutry. And use your heart swv.

[Kai]

Hey, mine is a book. This time, Spotify added audiobooks, and you actually can use them now. It was like, for a long time, you couldn't use them. And I started listening to the Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I need to read that.

[Kai]

Damn, that shit's really good. I think I'm gonna listen to the Song of Achilles next because I'm like, I heard a lot of good about that one. And then Norwegian Wood by Murakami. Those are my three in rotation. I also have Homo deuce and Homo sapiens or sapiens in the log. Just because I love those books so much. Should I go to, like, my very first playlist? Like, I have a playlist on that I made, like, probably a decade ago at this point. And it's. Oh, let's do it. Waka Flaca Collard Green Schoolboy, Q A Tale of Two Cities, J. Cole. I am a God. Blood on the Leaves. I'm in it. I was obsessed with Yeezus, dude. Pipe it up, Migos. Oh, my God. Azizi Gibson. This song, I'm not gonna play it because we ran into copyright issues. Me and my homies, we called us. It was so cringy. We called ourselves Snoop Squad, and we would buy a bunch of snacks and then get inside one of our homies trucks and literally turn on his blue lights, play that song on repeat and get absolutely obliterated on weed. Like literally get the highest we've ever been. And then I would just like walk home because we were cooking in this like, section in my neighborhood. But they would have to drive home. And I don't know how none of them died because we were like zooted and booted. Like it was scary boots.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, my first playlist on here isn't from that long ago because I started this account like early 2020 and it's intimate. Erica de Cassier. I can't say her name ever. Carnival the Cardigans. One Thing Amiri Devotion by Tirza Lifetime by Eve's Tumor. Know who you are at every age. Cocktoo twins. It's a bunch of cocktoo twins. A bunch of slow dive, catch the breeze. It's like literally me trying to like set up like my Spotify with just songs I liked at the time. And Kitty Cat by Beyonce.

[Kai]

Mine is. My next one is actually so advanced. Oh God, not that song. But my next one is just called literally. And it's Face Shopping. Sophie. Eliminate Sophie Visie Sophie Ponyboy Sophie Blip Sophie Hard Sophie Sophie msms Ms. Sophie. Then hey Cutie. And then a bunch of Hannah Diamond.

[Drew Phillips]

Remember when we would listen to Hannah diamond on SoundCloud?

[Kai]

I love Hannah diamond, dude.

[Rain]

Hey Cutie is one of the best.

[Drew Phillips]

Hey Cutie songs from that era. Well, thank you guys so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed the last few days of this year and be safe.

[Kai]

Peace and love on earth and more. May all your wishes be granted.

[Drew Phillips]

Unless they're evil.

[Kai]

Hug your siblings or your parents or whoever you're with this holiday extra tight and tell them you love them.

[Drew Phillips]

Thank you. Bye.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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