The Rapture Happened And This Episode Will Only Get Three Views

Summary

Emergency Intercom Podcast Summary Episode: "The Rapture Happened And This Episode Will Only Get Three Views" Release Date: May 20, 2022 Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips

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1. Introduction and Current Vibes

The episode opens with Drew and Kai (Enya occasionally interjects) discussing the unusual calmness they feel, setting a relaxed yet slightly eerie tone for the conversation.

• Drew [00:17]: "It feels very weird. Like there's like a, like a chill vibe going on right now."
• Kai [00:34]: "I woke up today with zero thoughts."

2. Beverages and the Microplastics Debate

The hosts delve into a humorous yet insightful discussion about their beverage preferences, particularly focusing on Coca-Cola and Dr. Pepper. They touch upon the differences between regular and Mexican Coke, highlighting concerns about microplastics from plastic bottles.

• Drew [00:47]: "I still have zero thoughts right now... nothing is going on in my brain."
• Kai [02:25]: "If you are drinking Coke out of a plastic bottle, you're a menace to society."
• Drew [05:26]: "We are literally drinking sludge... that's why I'm depressed."

3. Diets and Health Concerns

The conversation shifts to diets, where Kai expresses skepticism about vegan substitutes, deeming them as processed and potentially harmful. They debate what constitutes a "good diet," with Kai advocating for a more primal approach.

• Kai [06:48]: "I think there's no diet that's good for you other than... just like, gathering our nuts and berries from the forest."
• Drew [07:00]: "Diet for you is the diet that's good for you."

4. Hair Care Woes and Personal Insecurities

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing hair care. Both Drew and Kai share their frustrations with their hairstyles, dealing with issues like split ends, breakage, and styling challenges. This segment reveals their personal insecurities and the humorous side of dealing with everyday problems.

• Kai [12:18]: "I have nothing else to say... I blame microplastics."
• Drew [14:04]: "It's my little ball of hair... I do not deserve it."
• Kai [17:10]: "I refuse to trim my hair because I don't want to lose any length."

5. Hypothetical Scenarios: The Rapture and Last Survivors

The hosts engage in a darkly comedic discussion about the rapture and the possibility of being the last three people on Earth. They explore absurd scenarios of repopulating the planet, facing loneliness, and the ultimate futility of trying to survive alone.

• Drew [22:38]: "We are the last three people on earth... it's gonna get killed by something."
• Kai [25:01]: "I don't want to be pregnant on the earth for nine months... our baby would have to have sex with Kai."

6. Media Consumption: TV Shows, Music, and Gaming

Transitioning to lighter topics, the hosts discuss their favorite TV shows like "Staircase" and "Candy," sharing critiques on costume and set designs. They also touch upon their music preferences, mentioning artists like Aphex Twin and Brian Eno, and their experiences playing Fortnite.

• Kai [54:15]: "Staircase is so good... it's actually really gnarly."
• Drew [62:16]: "I've been listening to all of Aphex Twin, like really weird fucking songs."
• Kai [65:37]: "I'm gonna play Fortnite immediately when this camera turns off."

7. Mental Health and Shared Emotions

The conversation circles back to mental health, with Kai and Drew discussing feelings of depression and the influence of external factors like lunar eclipses and social media. They reflect on the collective nature of their emotions and the challenges of recognizing and addressing them.

• Kai [40:43]: "I just came home and played Fortnite for five hours."
• Drew [41:38]: "Today I woke up and I was the happiest I've ever been in my entire life."
• Enya [42:22]: "I feel like most people are depressed as shit now."

8. Final Banter and Closing Remarks

The episode concludes with the hosts engaging in playful banter about their personal lives, anecdotes from events like the Renaissance Festival, and their ongoing media discussions. They emphasize the light-hearted yet candid nature of their conversations.

• Drew [66:27]: "If you're still alive, please leave a comment, because I don't know if anybody's alive."
• Kai [66:30]: "I think I'm about to log on to Fortnite and it's gonna say... there's no other human on Earth."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Drew [00:17]: "It feels very weird. Like there's like a, like a chill vibe going on right now."
• Kai [02:25]: "If you are drinking Coke out of a plastic bottle, you're a menace to society."
• Drew [14:04]: "It's my little ball of hair... I do not deserve it."
• Kai [25:01]: "I don't want to be pregnant on the earth for nine months... our baby would have to have sex with Kai."
• Drew [41:38]: "Today I woke up and I was the happiest I've ever been in my entire life."
• Enya [42:22]: "I feel like most people are depressed as shit now."
• Drew [66:27]: "If you're still alive, please leave a comment, because I don't know if anybody's alive."

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Insights and Conclusions

Throughout the episode, Enya and Drew blend humor with raw honesty, discussing everyday issues like diet, hair care, and mental health alongside more surreal hypotheticals like the rapture. Their candid interactions and humorous takes on serious topics create an engaging and relatable narrative. The episode underscores the importance of camaraderie and shared experiences in navigating personal and collective challenges.

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This summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions and memorable quotes while maintaining a coherent and engaging flow for those who haven't listened to the podcast.

Transcript

[Drew]

It feels very weird. Like there's like a, like a chill vibe going on right now. Not like a weird vibe but like it's like very like relaxed and not tense and like zen.

[Kai]

I'm. I woke up today with zero thoughts.

[Drew]

Yeah. Absolutely agree.

[Kai]

I like I have nothing to give to the world and I don't know what's going to happen for this episode because I literally, I don't know.

[Drew]

I actually feel the same way and I still have zero thoughts right now.

[Kai]

Yes.

[Drew]

Like it's like nothing is going on in my brain. Right. Which is like crazy cuz that never happens. Everything is always happening all the time in my brain.

[Kai]

Literally everything, everywhere, all at once.

[Drew]

But yeah. Welcome back to Emergency Intercom.

[Kai]

Did you just take that flat Coke out of the fridge for your caffeine of the day?

[Drew]

Yes. I was like, I wonder why I'm feeling like shit right now. And it's because I haven't had my watered down flat Coca Cola of the day.

[Kai]

You have two. You have two to choose from.

[Drew]

This is actually Dr. Pepper which like. Oh, I'm like kind of dabbling with. I like am normally a very anti Dr. Pepper person. Strictly Coca Cola. But right now I'm in a Dr. Pepper phase and it's kind of crazy.

[Kai]

I think they gave me Dr. Pepper because that my drink did not taste like Coke yesterday.

[Drew]

I. I've been sipping on it. It's Coke.

[Kai]

It tastes so funny. Like yesterday I only had a few sips because I was like this isn't giving me that like that Coke pizzazz. This is drinking Coca.

[Drew]

You've been drinking the like Mexican colas, like the Mexican Cokes and I think like those, those definitely taste very different and I think maybe you might be used to that one because we've been drinking a lot of those recently.

[Kai]

Yeah, those are the best ones. I. It's either canned Coke or like Mexican Coke in a glass bottle. Because if you are drinking Coke out of a plastic bottle, which is something you do, you're a menace to society. You're probably. You don't have much longer to live. I don't know how to explain that one.

[Drew]

Those BBA plastics are infusing with water and that's why I am the way I am. Or with the Coca Cola.

[Kai]

Your micro plastics from your Coca Cola plastic bottle.

[Drew]

Babe, we need more microplastics.

[Kai]

Like I think we've made this comment before, but that is how you really knew what class your family was in when you were growing up and is if your family bought the 2 liter of Coke or separate cans? My family was a 2 liter coke.

[Drew]

And mine was separate cans. But we buy it also. With that said, we bought like Shasta Cola. I know somewhere out there knows what Shasta Cola is. And it's like, it's like Dr. Thunder Shasta Cola, like Mountain lightning or some shit like that. And it's literally just all off brand sodas. And Shasta honestly tastes better than Coca Cola, but I can't find it here. So I'm just stuck with Coca Cola. But I grew up on Shasta. That shit was so fucking good. And then my mom only drank cream soda growing up.

[Kai]

I think the popular like flavored sodas in Miami, like Publix, makes their own flavors. But I might be tripping, but I think it was Crush. Like Crush was the like flavored soda that I had all the time because I used to sell at my school for 50 cents. And the strawberry Crush or the Grape Crush. But there's another brand that I can't think. Oh, wait, that I think that might be. Yeah, I know what that is. That's actually the brand I'm thinking of.

[Drew]

Like these cans. Yeah, like that can in particular.

[Kai]

Dude, I'm actually never gonna remember. There's another one that's like, it's kind of like a brand that does that. It's not crushed. There's a brand that does that kind of shit that they would sell at school. And I can't remember. It might be that same brand because they do like all the off brand ones. Because we never had Coke. It was always like a cola drink. But no fucking freak was drinking the fake cola.

[Drew]

Mountain Rush. We got Shasta Cola Strawberry, but we dabbled in that A little bit else.

[Kai]

Did we drink Shasta. Who the came up with that? That has to be someone's name. And they're like, it's an ode to them. Because who was like, oh my God, you know what we should call our soda? Shasta.

[Drew]

Every time we look it up, there's like mountains. Shasta. And I'm like curious if like the.

[Enya]

Water is like in Washington.

[Drew]

Yeah, I think I'm curious if they take the water from the creek in Mount Shasta and make Shasta Cola and pollute it. Also, have you ever thought about like a Coca Cola? Like we are literally drinking sludge. Like I shouldn't be drinking something that I can't see through. And the fact that I can't see through this and this is going to my body and my kidneys and liver are having to filter this every Day is, like, actually crazy. And then I get to thinking, I'm like, I wonder why I'm depressed. And I'm like, oh, I'm also drinking, like, a liter of Coca Cola a day. That's an exaggeration. But there's. There's a correlation there. I don't know what it is, but the fact that I'm drinking this sludge is probably why I'm depressed.

[Kai]

Yeah. Who was saying that? Someone was literally saying that to me. Oh. When I was in a store in New York. The worker was talking to me and they were talking about how, like, they really like Snapple. And they were like, I don't count, like, calories from drinks because, like, there's no way to calculate that because we just shouldn't be fucking having it. Like, water has zero, like, calories because. Because that's the only. Like, we shouldn't be consuming a beverage that, like, also partakes in, like, carbs and calories.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like, they were like, that's just like. That seems like, not what God intended at all.

[Drew]

Like, not even on, like, literally, like, mud water, like tea leaves, like tree leaves and water. And that's it. Like, that's what our bodies were made to process, and somehow we're processing sludge.

[Kai]

I know. I was thinking about that and I was like, but that's not gonna stop me from drinking coffee. But I'm just such a drinker.

[Drew]

I love a drink, honestly. Low key. Like, coffee's natural.

[Kai]

Like beans.

[Drew]

Yeah. They're. They come from beans.

[Kai]

Beans.

[Drew]

My milk is coffee will be oils. Yeah. I need my oils and microplastics. Like, that's another thing. It's like all these vegan substitutes are hella like, like, processed and like, probably really just as bad for you than, like, eating an animal.

[Kai]

I don't think there's any, like, diet that's good for you other than, like, this is so annoying because, like, I don't want to be like, this is a good diet for you. Because I don't know from. But I would think, like, the good.

[Drew]

Diet for you is the diet that's good for you.

[Kai]

Yeah, that is. That is the truth. But I'm like, on a. Just a human level, not raw veganism, because, like, you can, like, use a fire. Like cavemen. You had fires. Like, I don't know why you have to not cook, but, like, just like, that kind of vegan. I'm like, that is the most primal diet you can do. That's like, I'm eating.

[Drew]

Gathering our nuts and berries from the.

[Kai]

Forest, like, that is so crazy.

[Drew]

Yeah. But even then, like, they had animals. Yeah. I was like, didn't we, like, hunt animals?

[Kai]

We beat the fuck out of some chickens.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like, this tastes good as hell.

[Drew]

The only reason why I think we talked about this, the only reason why we're alive, is because the women just gathered the nuts and berries and we had our protein. And the men would go out on our stupid fucking hunts once a month and come back and chase each other.

[Kai]

Around with sticks and stones and come.

[Drew]

Back with, like, an elk every three months. And then that's, like, all the village had to eat. And the only reason we're alive is because the nuts and berries, also the.

[Kai]

Drink, our drink in Miami or, like, in my area that was popular was faygo. We were literally, like a fago.

[Drew]

Damn. I'm still drinking.

[Kai]

I don't know what that is.

[Drew]

From Six Dogs Rest in peace.

[Kai]

Oh, but strawberry faygo and grape fago. You're a Juggalo, My world.

[Drew]

Wait, what is it? Juggalo.

[Enya]

Yeah. Juggalo.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Sponsored drink of Juggalos.

[Kai]

Really? I think I found that out in, like, high school, and it greened me out because I was like, that's not. I've never heard that word in my life. But, yeah, Faygo is the thing. You would go on Wednesdays at my elementary school, they would sell Papa John's pizza for. For a dollar a slice. And then they would have the usual. The pickled eggs, the pickled sausage, airheads, faygo, hot chips. Did you ever go like this with an airhead? Everything I'm saying right now, I feel like I've literally said on the.

[Drew]

Absolutely. You shake it down so it comes.

[Kai]

Like a little Tootsie Roll. I remember the kid who went on to try and bully me later on taught me that. There was this kid who, like, I used to be really close with. And then once we got to, like, middle school, we became distant for, like, no real reason. But I think he had, like, a lot of jealousy. Cause he used to, like me. So he was, like, really mean to me. But it never hurt my feelings. Cause I was like, this is just really sad. From a very young age, I could see through it, and I was like, damn, this is really sad. You're, like, trying to battle this rejection from me by being mean to me. But I'm the one you want, and it's not going to work out.

[Drew]

You need to write a song about that.

[Kai]

Oh. And then one time, perspective. And then one time, his best friend at the time came up to me and asked me out and my best friend at the time was standing next to me and because I was a belligerent cunt, she jumped in and was belligerent. Oh my God.

[Drew]

And you dropped the first belligerent in two episodes that celebrate.

[Kai]

I think I said it last episode. Have I not been saying it?

[Drew]

I don't know if you said it last episode.

[Kai]

You know what it is, is because at the end of the day, we.

[Drew]

Had an entire fucking conversation about it. I think.

[Kai]

That was the. The zoom episode. I don't know. Anyways, but the thing about me is I will cling on to one word for a certain amount of time and then you will never hear it out of my mouth. So there's a chance that belligerent is dead and gone.

[Drew]

Yeah, but she had a dead cat bounce. Like she came back for a moment and then she's gone.

[Kai]

But I was a belligerent cunt and my friend tried to be funny and like stupid and she was like, no, she's not going to date you. Like, she was so mean to this kid. But I actually really liked this kid. Like, not romantically, but I thought he was like really cool and like a sweet person. So he literally got so sad and like cried. And I felt so, so bad. And it was in front of the kid who was trying to bully me. And then he was like, see, she's such a. Like about me. And I was like, how the girls are. Is this my fault? Yeah, girls are cunts. Girls like suck balls. Like literally.

[Drew]

You know I was gonna wear those silver clips. Yeah, I was gonna wear them today and I didn't realize you had them on. But like we literally would have been matching had I worn them. But I had one in the one. Your anime one. The. That I literally stole from you. I had it in. But my hair is like too thick.

[Kai]

Yeah. So it like sits on top.

[Drew]

Yeah. It doesn't like pin my hair down. It literally just like my hair will fall with it.

[Kai]

Anyways, that's why I stopped wearing them because I. It was good when my hair was really thinned out and short. Cuz I could just clip them onto my head and they wouldn't do that. But now. Yeah, they like sit on the top layer. Then when you move, it moves around and it looks so.

[Drew]

It looks beat as.

[Kai]

I need to do something about my hair. We need to both do something about our hair.

[Drew]

Something big is coming with the hair. Like, let's just say that, like not on my end.

[Kai]

I don't know what's gonna happen.

[Drew]

Something big is coming.

[Kai]

I'm gonna avoid getting a haircut because I don't wanna lose any length, even though my ends are belligerently dead.

[Drew]

Hey, come on. Belligerent.

[Enya]

Wait, have you gotten a haircut since we started the podcast?

[Kai]

No, I have not, like, trimmed my hair at all, but I think my ends are just, like, fully breaking off now, finally, especially when I straighten it. There is length to it, but my hair is just too thick. Like, it's. I don't know how to explain it. It, like, doesn't look as thick, but, like, if you go to touch my hair, it, like, doesn't feel awesome. Like, I don't know. It's like, not, like, in an unhealthy way, but, like, there's just this stack of fluff right here from all the layers that are gathering right here and finally growing out.

[Drew]

Fucking brush or wash your hair. It's mad.

[Kai]

No, I brush my hair every single day, especially too thin it out. So I don't know what to do. And I don't want to go get it thinned out because then it's going to re. Add those layers.

[Enya]

So what are you supposed to do? Just have it grow out and then you, like, chop it?

[Kai]

What I should do now is get, like, an inch trimmed off so that, like, it just, like, it'll seem like it's growing faster because I'm sure I'm experiencing, like, end break off. Because my ends right now are the part that was, like, bleached. So in certain lights, you could see that it's like, a way lighter shade than my natural color. But I don't want to do that because I refuse to lose any length.

[Drew]

On my hair because my hair will be longer than yours once you do that.

[Kai]

The thing is, you say that, but it's like, never once been longer than.

[Drew]

It'S longer than yours. Just because I have. Or you can't tell because I have curls. Like, if we straighten my hair, it would be longer than yours.

[Enya]

It would be.

[Kai]

We both have curly hair. So I don't know. Like, the only difference right now is I've brushed my hair.

[Drew]

I've got the ringlets at the end.

[Enya]

I pulled one because you don't brush your hair curls. And it. It went all the way down to his ass.

[Kai]

Yeah, that's just not true. Look at him yanking it out for length right now. No.

[Drew]

You know, it's up. Is that, like, I do not take care of my hair so much that, like, literally, little baby dreads start forming in the back. And, like, when I'm brushing my hair, like, every once every two weeks, I literally have to pull it to the front and just fucking rip out the little mat ball. And I just like, okay, there was.

[Kai]

One on the couch yesterday, and I thought it was a fucking bug. And I was like, oh, my God. And it was just a ball of hair.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

And I was folding my laundry, so I was like, is this lint? But it wasn't. It was, like, human hair.

[Drew]

No, it's my, like, it's my little beat. It's my little, like, ball of hair that I have to break out. And you can, like, see how fucked up my hair hair is from it. Like, do you see that? How it's, like, all short in different spots and. Yeah.

[Kai]

Yeah, that's like, what's.

[Drew]

I don't deserve my hair. I do not deserve it.

[Kai]

I take care of my hair for the most part. No, actually, I do a good job of taking care of my hair. The problem is it's just the ends are bleached and the color keeps fading, but I don't want to keep adding color because last time I did it, my ends were, like, black. And then I took a flash photo of myself, and it was, like, brown and then black. And I was like, oh, my God. And I was really embarrassed.

[Drew]

Embarrassed, Embarrassed.

[Enya]

Did the, like, texture of your guys's hair ever change? It's like, my hair used to be straight and now it's, like, kind of curly.

[Kai]

No, my hair. My hair did because of bleaching it, like.

[Enya]

Oh, really?

[Kai]

And also with. With length, your hair can change because of, like, how heavy it gets. So realistically, like, I'm very fucking excited for my hair to be long because then, like, right now, since the ends are so short, they're. The end, like. Or the front, like, framing parts are so short, they ringlet up really heavy when I let my hair dry. And then the back, because it's more heavy, it kind of weighs down and it doesn't get as curly.

[Drew]

That's not what happens to me.

[Kai]

Because you have less.

[Drew]

It just falls naturally. Beautiful.

[Kai]

Look how fucked up your head looks right now.

[Enya]

Insert the photo of you at Devin's pool.

[Kai]

Like, the thing is, I wish I had the delusion you had, because look at how fucked up the top of your head is.

[Drew]

Fuck you.

[Kai]

Like, it is so frizzy.

[Drew]

And now you're being mean. Now you're being mean. And now I'm insecure. And now I have to go get a baseball cap.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Showing virgin Top of my head. I've never, ever done that. I was like, you know, I'm gonna be brave today and not wear a baseball cap because, like, you know, people probably think I'm bald under there, but no baseball cap incoming. Because then you had to fucking attack my hair. I did not attack your hair. You came from me.

[Enya]

Look what you did. You fucked it up.

[Kai]

I don't care. He was literally gaslighting me. Anytime I spoke about my hair, he had to one up me and say that his hair was more beautiful. When I'm opening up about my insecurity.

[Enya]

About my hair, which hat do you think it's gonna be? You think it's gonna be Moa Loa or praying?

[Kai]

It's gonna be praying.

[Drew]

I think baseball cap is just like yesterday. Just like yesterday when I last episode when I was like, you know, I'm feeling kind of depressed. And you were like, actually, I'm really happy. So. So it goes both ways.

[Kai]

I was lying. I was literally lying.

[Drew]

Well, I was lying too, about being depressed sometimes about my hair being prettier than yours. I know. It's fucking disgusting.

[Enya]

I feel like this is, like marriage counseling. Sometimes there would be, like, periods where I'm like, oh, wait, no, it is.

[Kai]

Sometimes it gets, like, so real for no reason. Not on my end, though, because I know how to control myself.

[Drew]

There you go. There you go.

[Enya]

That was a microaggression.

[Drew]

That was a microaggression.

[Kai]

What? I know how to control my emotions. Like, I'm just like a well kept.

[Drew]

There it goes again.

[Kai]

What? Am I saying something wrong? Guys, I'm just talking about myself. Anyways, I need to get a hair trim, but I refuse. So my hair will just continue to break off and stay this length for the next five years because I'm not gonna do what every TikTok tells you to do.

[Enya]

What is that?

[Kai]

To give your hair a trim. Every bitch who cuts hair is like, you need to trim your hair. I saw someone do, like, a display where they poked holes in a thing and, like, pulled out yarn and showed that, like, your split ends will just continue to break if you don't do it. I was like, oh, that's nice. And then I just ignored it.

[Drew]

Slay.

[Kai]

And I kept moving on with my life.

[Drew]

Slay.

[Kai]

We're both so obnoxious right now with our shirts. And that's it. That's all I have to say. Because they're both really good shirts. But it's like, obnoxious. Like graphic tee. Slay. What do you mean, like both of our shirts are like, annoyingly priced.

[Drew]

No, mine was cheap.

[Kai]

What's cheap?

[Drew]

I got mine for cheap.

[Kai]

How much is cheap?

[Drew]

These are normally like 400, and I got it for $75, which is cheap for like this shirt. I know, $75 for a fucking 20 year old T shirt is ridiculous.

[Kai]

No, but that's what I'm saying is, like, within, like, there's like certain parts of the Internet that like, get that and they. They don't question it because, like, which we're kind of on that side where we're like, no, that's like a good T shirt. Like, it's good. And then there's other parts who are like, I would literally never spend that on T shirt. But if you're like a part of the T shirt slay. You're part of the T shirt slay.

[Drew]

Like, if you get it, you get it. Like vintage graphic tees. The. The. The way the shirt falls, the way the, the way the shirt caresses your body and like the way the fabric feels like the T shirt making comedies just don't do that anymore. So I refuse to wear any like, brand new shirt other than my claro merch.

[Kai]

The way someone else's sweat has thinned out the fabric. So it's like literally the thinnest fabric on planet earth.

[Drew]

Bleached a little bit and there's like holes and fraying and the graphic is crazy cracked. It's just like, yeah, perfect. Perfect in every way.

[Kai]

I literally, I genuinely have nothing else to say.

[Drew]

Also, they, like, one time I stood up to slap Kai in the episode and there was like a stain on my pants. And like, this stain has literally been here for like, probably two years on these pants. And I sit up and they were like, oh, Drew has like ketchup stain on his pants. I wonder if he was eating french fries before or something. And I was like, no, it's literally pain. Like, it's been here forever. And now I can't wear these pants out in public because of you motherfuckers. Because I'm insecure. Literally everybody attacks my insecurities all the time. It's crazy.

[Kai]

It's funny how one episode you can go from being the most big headed person ever and like, loathing.

[Drew]

I'm depressed right now. I'm depressed right now.

[Kai]

So now the sexy compliments, they don't get through.

[Drew]

No, they don't come through.

[Kai]

You know what you need?

[Drew]

They need to be louder.

[Kai]

I need.

[Drew]

They need to be heard. I need to hear them.

[Kai]

I forgot where I was at oh, we need to put you on like the TLC re makeover video and show and see what they would do to you. Like, I wonder.

[Drew]

There's like not a thing they would do to me because I'm literally like already like basically perfect. But it's hard for me to see that. But other people see that in me. So like, they wouldn't really have to change anything about me. They would just have to like be like, you're perfect. And then like I. My complete. My demeanor would completely change.

[Kai]

The. The TV industry used to be so crazy. Cuz I'm like really thinking about that show and I used to watch the out of that show. That show is so up. They would literally film these people out for like two weeks to get their ugliest fits on camera and then show it to the world. And then that girl and guy would just stand in the room and be like, you don't fucking care about yourself. You're so fudgeing ugly. And like would just say that to their face. And this like poor person would just be like, I'm so sorry. Like, this is how what makes me feel good. And it'd be like, that's really sad. That is so sad.

[Drew]

You need to conform more. You need to be more like a normal person and conform.

[Kai]

We're going to make you normal.

[Drew]

We're going to normal pill you and all, literally all take your normal pills.

[Kai]

I don't have any normal pills. I was born normal. I've been normal. I. What?

[Drew]

I was seeing if the AC was on and it is. I could hear it buzzing the entire time.

[Enya]

It's fine.

[Kai]

I put it on because I was scared of how like sweaty we would get because I was like getting sweaty walking around. I sweat way too easily and it's like a problem. I like don't get to wear tank tops in the summer because it's really up.

[Drew]

Yeah, I was just talking to Mason about that yesterday.

[Kai]

Like, I like don't. Like my skin on skin will make me sweat ten times more. So I have to wear a T shirt to catch my sweat because then it'll trick my body into stop sweating.

[Drew]

You should just go naked around the house. No, that I don't care. I wouldn't. I wouldn't care if you did that.

[Kai]

No, but I would sweat more, Drew, if I was naked.

[Drew]

But I'm just saying you should just do that just for fun. For me. Wait, for you or for you? So you like, chill out. You need to fucking chill. You need to fucking chill right now.

[Kai]

The World feels so quiet right now. I'm actually greeting.

[Drew]

I know. It's, like, scaring the fuck out of me. Like, are we. Yeah, we're the only three people alive. Like, I'm not kidding. I was just saying that. Like, why haven't I heard a car go by, a plane zoom by? Like, I haven't heard anything. What if, like, I've been manifesting this by watching the last man on Earth? Like, what if we are the last three on Earth and we have to repopulate the Earth?

[Kai]

I would immediately kill myself, Girl.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. Wait, the world is ending because you're not having sex with Kai and I can't have sex with you?

[Kai]

I literally just said very loud and clearly, I will kill myself.

[Enya]

Me and Drew will just try to have a child.

[Drew]

We'll make it work. I'll, like, break into the estrogen factory and we'll try to figure it out.

[Kai]

Break into the estrogen. Estrogen factory.

[Drew]

We'll try to figure it out.

[Kai]

Saying it like, it's like a toy factory. I'll bring it to the estrogen factory.

[Drew]

There's gotta be one on this Earth. Do you think Google would still be up if the world ended? Like, how long would it still be up for?

[Kai]

I think it would be up for quite a while.

[Drew]

Oh, then we would be so fine. I could learn how to fly a plane and we could go literally anywhere in the world. I'm serious. Like, we could literally.

[Kai]

You think you can learn how to fly a plane? Plane from Google?

[Drew]

I. Yes. That's, like, how pilots learn, basically. Like, they do, like, flight simulators. And I'll drive to a flight sim. Like, learn how to fly in that. And we can go literally anywhere, anywhere in the world and live out, like, the last, like, five years of our life. Because we would be killed by something.

[Kai]

But isn't the fun in, like, traveling? Seeing other people? So then you would just get to these, like, desolate places, and it would.

[Drew]

Be kind of sad, experiencing it, shared experiences, experiencing it with other people.

[Kai]

You would only be experiencing it with Kai because in this hypothetical, I am dead.

[Enya]

You wouldn't have.

[Drew]

I can't be left with him.

[Enya]

Why not?

[Drew]

He'll attack me.

[Enya]

I'm not gonna.

[Kai]

No, I actually understand. I understand that feeling. Sometimes I don't know what happens sometimes when you go to your room and it's just me and Kai in the kitchen. Like, I check my pockets to make sure I have something.

[Drew]

He steals, he lies, he attacks.

[Enya]

I've never done any of that.

[Drew]

That's exactly What?

[Kai]

Someone does that? Yeah, that's exactly what they would say. That's weird.

[Enya]

And you wouldn't even give it like two.

[Drew]

I can't even look at him.

[Kai]

I can't. No, I would kill myself. Like I'm not kidding. Instantaneously, like without, like without a second thought, like it would be done.

[Drew]

Cuz you wouldn't even like attempt to repopulate the earth?

[Kai]

No, I don't want to be pregnant on the earth for nine months. Because that's the thing is like when.

[Drew]

You think about like repopulating baby running.

[Kai]

Around with no friends, it's gonna be a murderer and kill us.

[Drew]

No, it wouldn't.

[Kai]

And then the thing is. What? Our baby would have to have sex with Kai and we would have to wait till it's 18. So then we would have to wait 18 years.

[Drew]

But what if it was a boy? Then our baby would have to have sex with me. I mean that's literally what happened, right? Yeah, like this.

[Kai]

And I don't want to be a part of it.

[Drew]

People with blue eyes, like incest babies, like they have more incest in them.

[Kai]

Like fucking 53% of the people watching it who have this right now with blue eyes are just staring at the screen. They're being accused of being incest babies. I don't think that many people have blue eyes. There's no way. I think because I live in L. A my perception of the amount of people with blue eyes has gone up. But it's just because that's the scary.

[Drew]

All blue eyed people in the world have a single common ancestor from 6,000 to 10,000 years ago.

[Kai]

That's embarrassing. That is so embarrassing. Ew, not. You're not your family timeline being all nasty. Ew, that's so embarrassing. Are you embarrassed right now, you blue eyed freaks?

[Drew]

Oh, given blue eyes is a recessive gene, a single ancestor also requires incest among hairs and kids, doesn't it? No gene can be passed on for generations without showing.

[Kai]

Wait, but that still means at one point.

[Drew]

Well, at one point we were all, not me, I just appeared here. I disappeared here.

[Kai]

Don't fucking claim you know where I'm from. Not me. What about hazel eyes? Is it the same thing? Hazel eyes is when people with brown eyes and blue eyes have sex.

[Enya]

Really?

[Drew]

I don't know what to even look up for though.

[Enya]

I don't know what to look up. That seems like that is how that happens.

[Drew]

I want green eyes so bad. Wait, green eyes are literally scary.

[Kai]

Like, like that's actually terrifying me when I'm literally trying to camouflage in the grass.

[Drew]

Wait. Yeah, there's no way green eyes are literally real. Like, when I hear green eyes, I'm like thinking of like, neon green. Like, I don't think I've seen anybody with green eyes before. Like, I don't think I've ever met anybody.

[Kai]

Because it's not like green like grass. It's like green like, like a hazel y. Like brownish green.

[Drew]

Like, it's not like that is green.

[Kai]

Yeah, but it's like a brown. It's like an earth tone green.

[Drew]

Hell no. Bitches with green eyes scare the fuck out of me.

[Kai]

I used to want green or hazel eyes so bad. Both of my siblings, my sister's eyes were the kind of eyes that like, look gray in some lights. I wanted that, which I am so jealous of. And then my brother's eyes are hazel and I have brown eyes. And I was so jealous. Like, growing up, that's like, was my biggest insecurity was the fact that I didn't get like cooler colored eyes.

[Drew]

Remember when I got Lasik and I was like, I'm getting an eye color transplant. Like, I want blue eyes. And I like, made this entire three minute TikTok of me lying and saying I got blue eyes.

[Kai]

He just never posted it.

[Drew]

I'm releasing that on Patreon. I don't give a fuck.

[Kai]

I think about that all the time. It was like a funny ass thing to do because, like, you literally had like surgery videos of you going in for something.

[Drew]

Like my eyes literally being picked at.

[Enya]

With that video that you showed me. I think about it like once a week. Yeah, it was so insane. They're like scraping the top of your eye.

[Drew]

They scrape a layer off and then they zap you with lasers.

[Kai]

The USB 4 is just in my room. I was on the floor the other day and I was like, what is this? And then I saw it was really. Yeah, it's just like on a usb, like sitting.

[Drew]

Why is it in your room?

[Kai]

Because you watch it on my computer.

[Drew]

Oh, word.

[Kai]

Because I don't know why I think you couldn't open it on your.

[Drew]

Like, the files wouldn't read on my PC. I also have. I asked for, like, anytime I get a procedure done, I asked for like, the footage of it. Like, I got like a full body, like either CAT scan or mri. I think it was an mri and like, I asked for the video of it and I still have it. Like, I love, like, looking at it and you can see like literally everything. You can see, like, my penis and balls. Seriously, it's crazy. And there's so many different angle. Like you can see it sliced like this way horizontally and vertically and like this. Like you can. It's crazy. They have like hella slices of me.

[Kai]

This is the dopest thing I've ever been talking about like, like anatomy. Like that one time I got the it because I thought about how somebody I liked, like how their insides would smell and it actually made me want to throw up. Like I was sitting around with them and I was like, ew. Like your insides would be like steaming hot and smell so bad.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's like a hundred degrees.

[Enya]

I think about that all the time. If I'm with somebody that I like.

[Kai]

No, no, no, not this white man talking about something. He thinks about how the insides of.

[Drew]

Everybody, he likes to cut me open.

[Kai]

Yeah, you're trying to murder people.

[Enya]

I love the fact that there's just like poop like inside of everybody all the time. They have to carry around a bag of shit.

[Drew]

The doo doo boiling like in the guts. Like have you ever laid on someone's lap and heard their doodoo boiling like in like colon. But yeah, like anytime. Like I call you out on yalls bellies growling like it's the shit settling in your colon.

[Kai]

You, oh, I was playing fortnite and you like literally disrupted me to be like, someone's hungry. And I was like, what? And then you're like your stomach. And I was like, I didn't fudgeing here or feel that.

[Drew]

Yeah, that's my new shit. I just want to make it. People like notice their bodily functions. It's like, oh, you're like, shit's gurgling in there. Your belly's begging for sustenance.

[Kai]

My belly is begging to be filled.

[Drew]

Fill me.

[Kai]

But yeah, that gave me the it because I was like, ew, that's so gross. Like if someone like split you open, you would smell so bad. Granted like I will never experience that. But the idea of it enough was like very putrid. I did not like thinking about it.

[Drew]

Interesting.

[Kai]

But yeah, in a hypothetical world I would just kill myself. I wouldn't say around. It's just, it's like the idea of like damn you. Like if there was an apocalyptic like scenario, why would you fight to survive?

[Drew]

I like, you have to be a.

[Kai]

Different breed of enjoying just living.

[Drew]

We said that like five episodes ago. But for me, if we're in like the rapture, everybody gets taken and it's like just me. Kind of like on earth. I'd give it Like, a year or two. Like, I'd float around here, I would experience it. I want to see all the places I want to see. And then I'd kill myself. Like, I'd get to see, like, Yosemite and, like, what is it? The Angels Landing hike, which is normally hella packed. Like, I'd get to do that all on my own. Like, all of these national parks that, like, are, like, overrun with filth and people, like, going and seeing it with no one around would be kind of lit.

[Enya]

I would go straight to the grove and just, like, start breaking the windows on the Apple Store.

[Drew]

Yeah. Literally cutting down the trees in the.

[Kai]

Apple Store like a hammer at the fucking glass.

[Enya]

I would do all that stuff that, like those, like, you know those YouTube channels where they, like, break big objects off a big cliff? Yeah, I would just do, like, all that type of shit literally through the Apple Store.

[Drew]

Let all the, like, intrusive thoughts when. Because, like, like, literally, who cares?

[Kai]

The thing is, people always, like, claim they would do that, but realistically, you wouldn't. Because even as introverted as you can be, like, everybody needs another human.

[Drew]

I got Kai. Me and Kai.

[Kai]

No, but I'm saying you said if you were the last man on Earth.

[Drew]

I meant, like, with me and Kai.

[Kai]

Oh, no, but you said going all alone. Like, I mean, yeah, if you have, like, one other person, then I could see someone living for a year.

[Drew]

But.

[Kai]

But I thought you meant, like, all alone. Like, last man on Earth. I don't think anyone would survive.

[Drew]

I would give it. I would give it a year. Even. Even still, I would just try because, like, who knows? Like, there might be other fools around. Like, if the Internet's broken and shit. Like, how do you know?

[Enya]

Like, I think I would make it a year, too.

[Drew]

Yeah, I think, like, I genuinely could make it a year.

[Kai]

I don't think so, because men aren't capable of, like, living alone that long.

[Enya]

The visual of us finding out that the Rapture happened, and then within, like, 30 seconds, me and Drew are fucking herself.

[Drew]

And Enya's watching and hanging herself. She watches. Her last visual is me, guy, having sex. We're trying to repopulate the Earth.

[Enya]

The aliens are like, wait, they could probably do this. Like, they have everything they need. And then Anya just kills herself and we're fucking.

[Kai]

I literally said, like, the other day, I said this dumbest shit ever. You were showing me the. I said it yesterday, but you didn't comment on it. Like, it was dumb. So maybe it's not the dumbest thing ever. But you were showing me, like, computer chips and, like, how, like, really, really deep down into the chip, people leave, like, carvings of, like, little, like, things, and someone left, like, a thing of egg. Was like, in a thousand years, like, say, like, the Earth survives that long and humanity survives that long, we really have no idea of knowing what, like, language will look like. Because even language now versus the way it used to be has changed so dramatically. And I was like, oh, my God. If somebody, like, a thousand years in the future was digging through, like, computer chips, trying to, like, find any, like, remnant of, like, what we acted like at this time, and they found a drawing of Eggman, they would literally just look at it and be like, who is this human? Like, who is this person? Like, we have to figure out who this person was. And it's like, oh, like, within ancient times, in 2022, like, this figure was very prominent on multiple things, and there's.

[Drew]

So many billboards of him.

[Kai]

Yeah. Like, he was a God. Like, I just like the idea of, like, in a thousand years history being, like, really misinterpreted.

[Drew]

Like, that's literally all history is, like, straight.

[Kai]

It's just people, like, assuming they know what was happening.

[Drew]

Like, that's. We assume we know what dinosaurs look like. We have no idea what I look.

[Kai]

Like, but I'm never going to tell people. But it is like, it's like the predictions people made of what they look like are kind of almost there, but there's, like, a little tweaking to make them actually look.

[Enya]

How do you know what they looked like?

[Kai]

I just said I would never tell.

[Drew]

Okay, now you said you never tell what they look like. How do you know what they look like?

[Kai]

I. My. I would never tell entails everything, and I'm not saying it.

[Enya]

I'm so excited for Prehistoric Planet coming out on May 23rd.

[Kai]

What the fuck is that? Why are you giving an ad for a movie? Like, what are you talking about?

[Enya]

It's like a dinosaur movie with David Attenborough. It's like, all cg.

[Kai]

I don't know who that is.

[Drew]

You don't know who David is? No, he's like, the dude who, like, voices over all of the, like, planet documentaries.

[Kai]

And I'm supposed to know his name.

[Drew]

I feel like a lot of people know his name.

[Kai]

I know his voice. I don't know the names of a lot of, like, actors. Like, I, like, could recognize their face. Like, if I'm in public and I see someone, I'm like, oh, that's so and so. Or, like, just like people in general, but I'm so with names. I like don't remember names.

[Drew]

I just don't give a. I don't. I really don't care. Like I can recognize a good actor, but I don't give a. I'm just.

[Enya]

Excited to see dinosaurs and I'm excited to see Avatar too. Did you see the trailer for that?

[Drew]

Yes. It looks lit. It made me like literally emotional. Like I teared up. I was like, oh my God, it's finally happening. Like, I think it's gonna flop though.

[Enya]

You think so?

[Drew]

I'm predicting to flop. I don't think it's gonna make nearly as much as it did the first time. I don't think it's gonna flop. I think they're gonna make their money back, but I don't think it's gonna be like the cultural phenomenon that the first one was.

[Kai]

This place, this is not very connected to it, but it fully is this place right off of Melrose. I don't know what the shop is, but they have a huge life size version of an Avatar character. And one time I parked right in front of it at night when I was going to an event with Lisa and I got out of the car and it was like kind of dark, but there was a little bit of light shining on it. And I looked in the window and it actually scared the living out of me because it was just this like eight foot tall humanoid thing in the window. And I was like, oh my God. And then it was like a butt ass naked Avatar character.

[Drew]

But do you see frontal?

[Kai]

I wish they had a napkin over it. They had his little like thingy over it. Yeah, you. So you can see he's balls. I want to say it's balls so bad.

[Enya]

I hope they like update.

[Kai]

I bet they don't have p car.

[Enya]

I want them to update how they have sex in the. In the sequel. I want them to just normal style.

[Drew]

Human. Yeah, yeah, that would be pretty.

[Kai]

They've adapted. I have.

[Drew]

They connected their tails before.

[Kai]

I haven't seen the trailer. I don't watch trailers to movies. I really don't like watching trailers to movies. I like just going in, having absolutely no idea what's going to happen and just like looking at the COVID art.

[Drew]

Or hearing about it like I'm the same way. But this was like one of those exceptions.

[Kai]

Yeah. It's like an anticipation.

[Drew]

Yeah. I was like, holy. Like that. Like the Joker. I like had to watch the trailer to that because I was like, I'm a white man living in America. Like, of course I had to watch.

[Enya]

That's.

[Kai]

I did watch.

[Enya]

That's for us.

[Drew]

Yeah, that. That movie was for the white men.

[Kai]

Oh, that was made for you guys.

[Enya]

The Incel anthem.

[Drew]

Yeah, exactly.

[Kai]

Spencer is my joker. Like, the movie Spencer, that's my joker.

[Drew]

I always forget her name. What is her name?

[Kai]

Kristen Stewart. Yes. She's her.

[Drew]

She's giving. I. I always thought she was the actress and stick it, but I don't know. She. They look the exact same, but she gives in. Stick it too.

[Kai]

I need both of them to take care of me.

[Drew]

Like, hold me and I can take care of you.

[Kai]

No, I want them to take care.

[Drew]

Of me, and, like, let me take care of you in that way.

[Kai]

I'm not gonna say what I'm thinking.

[Drew]

I know what you're thinking, and I know they know what you're thinking.

[Kai]

And let me do it.

[Drew]

Let me do it.

[Kai]

No, bitch. Also, like, no. Because there has to be a certain amount of taking care that I don't think you can actually, like, do. And I love you.

[Drew]

Stimulate the clitoral head. I'll peel back the clitoral hood.

[Kai]

Yeah, just, you know, like. Like cloth hangers. You gotta, like, peel it back and then, like, clip it to, like, the. The pubis.

[Drew]

To, like, hold up the mons pubis.

[Enya]

Me and Drew have been meeting up and then memorizing all the different parts.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Of the vagina.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

We've been studying the anatomy just to, like.

[Enya]

We have flashcards just in case the.

[Kai]

Rapture had absolutely no real life experience with, like, another human.

[Drew]

I've had a bunch.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Experience with another human.

[Enya]

Definitely.

[Kai]

What's that? Oh, a sky. You're, like, kind of thumbing up.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Is that, like, insinuation?

[Drew]

Like, don't even.

[Enya]

He sticks his thumb in my butt.

[Drew]

Girl. Now what. What the do you want from us? I'm serious. Like, what else do you want me to say? Like, what am I supposed to say here? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Suck my ass.

[Kai]

There's something in the air because I'm also, like. Like, two nights ago, I felt, like, a wave of, like. Like, it felt like depression hitting the back of my head, and I was like, no. And I just, like, ignored it. And I came home and I went to sleep, and I just, like, didn't think about it. And then I think yesterday it was kind of starting to show because I, like, kind of just, like, had no want to do anything. Like, I just, like, came home and, like, played Fortnite for five hours, and I think it's been even showing with how much I play Fortnite. Like, I wasn't, like, me and Kai were talking about it before the episode started. I wasn't thinking anything of it. The fact that I've been so invested in a video game like, never before. Like, I haven't done this since I was in, like, middle school. But genuinely, all I do is, like, block out my brain and just, like, pay attention to the screen for, like, six hours. And then I've been watching shows, which is something I also don't do.

[Drew]

That's my escape is shows and video games, like. And I've just been escaping from reality.

[Kai]

Yeah. And then this morning I woke up and I didn't feel very good. But not, like, bad, but, like, not good. It's like that weird in between of, like, literally, like, my brain is, like, fully, like, numb. Like, there's like, not a single. There's like, not a single, like. I don't know.

[Enya]

That's so interesting because I. I just got super depressed again, like, four days ago, and I feel like a bunch of my friends did, too.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

And I.

[Drew]

It's a lunar eclipse, bro.

[Enya]

Oh, really? Yeah, it's the gravitational.

[Drew]

Everybody's depressed, bro.

[Kai]

It's the retrograde, bro.

[Drew]

Exactly. It's the lunar eclipse, bro.

[Kai]

You said it.

[Drew]

So that's actually funny that, like, y' all are depressed, because I'm actually really happy now. Remember when y' all made fun of me for being depressed? Well, now I'm the happy one.

[Enya]

No, you're sad right now, too.

[Drew]

No, I'm actually. I've never genuinely. I'm not joking. Today I woke up and I was the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. I don't get depressed.

[Enya]

You were the happiest.

[Kai]

I think you're doing the gag we did to you when you were trying to say you were depressed.

[Drew]

I think you need to gag.

[Kai]

Oh, I love to do that. So I will. Thank you next.

[Drew]

Gargle these balls.

[Kai]

Chill. Don't talk to me like that. If you need it though, I'm here.

[Drew]

Really?

[Kai]

Yeah. I'm here for you.

[Drew]

I am really sad and I need it.

[Kai]

I always.

[Enya]

I always wonder though, cuz, like, when I'm sad, I'll be like, oh, everyone else must feel this way. But then sometimes it does seem like everybody does get sad at the same time. And I'm always like, it's the beyhive. Yes.

[Drew]

Like, where the hive mind be.

[Kai]

Beyonce Kai. Finish your thoughts.

[Enya]

I'm always like, it would be cool if there was an app that everybody was like, just rate your mood on from like 1 to 10. And then you could see like how everybody feels.

[Drew]

Yeah, tick tock, Twitter and tick tock.

[Kai]

But no, I know what you're saying. To get like an overall mood of the city. Like if I could just wake up and be like, is there some out there who wake up every single day feeling the exact same? Which is like fully the majority of the population. So you would see that it's like an average, I feel like of a 7, 8. Like because most of the people like.

[Enya]

I feel like most people are depressed as shit now.

[Drew]

I think we just live in a fucking bubble where everyone around us is depressed as cuz we're all like creatives and literally don't have schedules and every one of our friends is doing nothing all the time except for like doing nothing. So we live in this like little echo chamber of depression and we all ask each other like, yeah, I'm depressed too. I'm sad too. But like the normal person is not depressed.

[Kai]

Yeah, because like even like the people watching this I feel like could agree to what we're saying. But even that like as big of a community as it seems, like it's such a small scale. I mean, think about this. Like, yeah, most people who watch this aren't like, oh, I fucking love shopping at Pakistan. That is my store. Like that's like you can get things that like most people would like at Pacs on or like Forever 21. Like think about these conglomerate brands that are bigger than you could ever imagine. Like the people who regularly shop there. That's the people I'm talking about where it's just like you go to the mall and you go to the store that's at the mall and you get the clothes that are at the mall, like being given to you.

[Drew]

Like depression erasure. It's like bi erasure. But we're like erasing people's depression.

[Kai]

But also with that being said, there's a lot of people who don't recognize it as being depressed. Like I feel like a lot of people in my family like very obviously have like, whether, whether it is like clinically or they have like what it's like clinically and then it's like it's based on events. Like there's like another term for it that's like not necessarily depression, but it's like circumstantial. Yeah, like circumstantial. Like whether it be that or the other, like so many people in my family don't recognize it. Even when it's like, this is a very valid human reason to be so awfully upset and sad and just, like, feel no hope. But you are obviously ignoring it and, like, really suppressing it and just like, moving on and carrying the idea of like, oh, whatever it happens to everyone, like this, this and that. And I feel like that's why it would be like a 7 and 8.

[Drew]

Because it's like most people don't even recognize. Don't recognize also lie.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Like, people are liars through and through. And they'll lie about how.

[Enya]

Yeah, that would also require that people are, like, emotionally in touch with, like, how they're actually feeling.

[Drew]

Yeah. Because, like, I'm joking. 150 million Americans are not alive. Like, I truly believe that. I genuinely, with my chest, believe that, like, there's no way every person on this planet is actually sentient. But that's another conversation.

[Kai]

I believe that they are all sentient. And that's what scares me the most, is that, like, being in public, like, every time I see, like, I'm in a group of people, I just look at everyone's face and I'm like, dude, all these people have, like, felt some sort of emotion that I have felt and, like, have at least one idea that we fully connect on. And I. That scares the out of me. Like, the fact that, like, damn, I really am just another on this planet. I really am just another goddamn who's like, existing.

[Drew]

Well, you know, it's like, you know, it's exciting, but it's like, scary is that everyone died this morning. So, like, we're the last three people on earth. Like, we're gonna. I'm not kidding. I know there's no birds, there's no bugs. Like, where's Azul? I haven't seen Azul today. Like, it's literally us three. And we're gonna release this episode and it's gonna get, like, maybe three views.

[Kai]

Checking on it to, like, get the link to share it. Like, that's what the view is. Also, let me rephrase. Like, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with liking clothes from Pakistan in Forever 21. I just want to clarify that. I just. I.

[Drew]

Fashion. Fast fashion. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fast fashion.

[Kai]

Um, there's literally nothing wrong with shopping. There's nothing wrong with shopping there. I'm not trying to be big headed, but I think, like, if you're like, if you were listening to what I was saying, you kind of get what I'm saying. It's just like, it's easy as an individual who doesn't partake in that to be, like, literally, who is wearing that? But there's so many people who do partake in that. And that's kind of like, the idea, like, of depression. It's like, who else is feeling? Like, it's easy to feel like no one else is feeling.

[Drew]

Yeah, we should all just be depressed together. That's what drudaism is.

[Kai]

Wait, so it's not like, okay, what is it, like, something to look to for faith?

[Drew]

It's like, I know. I convert people when they're at their lowest moments. Like, when they're at their lowest, most vulnerable moments, I, like, swoop in and I convert them to Judaism.

[Kai]

Dude, that's a cult. That's, like, really bad.

[Drew]

I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I'm running a cult. Do something about it. There's 200,000 of us. Like, what are you going to do?

[Kai]

Are you claiming that every single person who watches the episode is a part of.

[Enya]

Drew just looks at the amount of subscribers. Subscribers for the podcast. And that's the number.

[Kai]

Exactly.

[Drew]

The truth is growing. We're almost bigger than Mormonism. We are big Mormonism. We are a big partake in Mormonism.

[Kai]

What is that? What is that?

[Drew]

Some dude found, like, a gold book under the ground, and then, like. It's like. Talks about, like, people living in a volcano and shit.

[Enya]

They. Okay, I googled. I googled how many Mormons there are, and they have an exact number.

[Kai]

This is true.

[Enya]

16,663,600. 663.

[Drew]

That's funny, because there's 16,663,004 druthers. And we just hit five. Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Getting a counter. And it goes up every few seconds. It's like.

[Drew]

Yeah, literally.

[Kai]

But it would have to go down every few seconds, too, to, like, be, like, real. Because some people have to tap out.

[Drew]

No.

[Enya]

Did we tap out?

[Drew]

If you tap out, you die.

[Enya]

On the Patreon or on the. On YouTube. People were asking what you thought about the Drew Barrymore thing.

[Kai]

No, we talked about it on the public episode.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Oh, really?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Okay. Yeah. People were wondering if, like, you would beef with her.

[Drew]

No, no, there's no beef.

[Kai]

She's. That's our girl.

[Drew]

That's our girl.

[Kai]

But it's the beef within the producer.

[Drew]

Yeah. It's the beef with the writers and the producers.

[Kai]

Yeah. It's like, do. Do your. Dude, do your due diligence.

[Drew]

Yes. Your Drew Dill sign the truth. Do your due diligence.

[Kai]

I think I'm just gonna be like, a detective when this all blows over.

[Enya]

I'm gonna be a detective when the rapture happens to. To like, to figure out who did it.

[Drew]

An Internet sleuth and why they chose us to be the last three.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. You know what we need to talk about that awful comedy show at the Renaissance Festival that greens me the out.

[Drew]

I thought he had some funny jokes and that the audience was just kind of not into it.

[Kai]

No, he had funny jokes at the end when he was passive aggressive and making kind of gnarlier jokes to, like, really ramp it up to get, like, shock value. But, like, dude, when we got there, it was like I. It was me up. Like, I. I felt like there were. There had to have been cameras around somewhere. Like, it literally, like, made me feel brain dead. Like, I literally, like, I couldn't gather.

[Drew]

We're also heat exhausted. Exhausted. We don't. Didn't have any water in us.

[Kai]

Like, I. Yeah, I also hadn't had a meal yet. I had, like, oh, like a bottle of water, like crumbs of everyone's food, and then like, two sips of white wine.

[Drew]

It was 97 degrees and I ate hot fries or I mean, I ate hot fries with nacho cheese on top. So cheese fries.

[Kai]

It was really nasty.

[Drew]

Yeah, it was really, really awful. I kind of ate it because I was like, I need diarrhea right now. I'm constipated again. It didn't work.

[Kai]

You needed diarrhea at the Renaissance Festival under 97 degree weather in a hotel Porta potty.

[Drew]

Yeah, I love the smell of boiling in the whole porta potty. I love a good.

[Kai]

I can't believe anybody used a porta potty that day. Because that's all I could think about is I was like, it is so hot. Oh, my God. Ew.

[Drew]

I've been like, low key ODing on magnesium trying to get this turd out.

[Enya]

It hasn't come out yet.

[Kai]

You need to go get a colonos. But I do.

[Drew]

I literally, when they, like, pump water.

[Kai]

In you and, like, take off. Oh, yeah, that's what you need.

[Drew]

I need a colonoscopy and they need to be empty.

[Enya]

You need to be emptied.

[Drew]

So, yeah, they need to empty me. I need a colon.

[Kai]

I can up to you. That's what friends are for by your member, not the other one.

[Enya]

You're just like, no, no, that's not.

[Drew]

Again. I'm not falling for this again. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on You. You wait. Fool me once, shame on you fool me twice, shame on me fool me.

[Kai]

Three times I'm gonna have to kill you.

[Drew]

The blame. Isn't that the song? Fool me three times oh, the peace sign and let it rain on you.

[Kai]

Yeah, pull the chopper. Let it rain on. Oh, we finished Candy.

[Drew]

Y.

[Kai]

We finished Candy, and I really liked it. But then we started the Staircase, and I really thought about it. I was like, damn, Candy, that show was really bad.

[Drew]

It sucks compared to the Staircase.

[Kai]

Like, it's not a bad show, but it's, like, not nearly as good. And my one gripe, walking away from Candy. If you did watch it, it's like. And if you didn't watch it, whatever. Shut it. You. You. It's based in, like, what, the 20s? Like, like. No, the 60s.

[Drew]

The 80s. 70s.

[Enya]

80S, dude.

[Drew]

70S.

[Kai]

Okay. I could not grasp because 80s.

[Drew]

80S.

[Kai]

The costume design was so bad. The costume does. I don't know why.

[Drew]

No, I'm thinking of, like, Marvelous Miss Star wars, literally.

[Kai]

I know. I was thinking of marvelous Mrs. Maisel's, like, outfits. And then thinking about the outfits that some of the girls were. I think that's what was confusing me is the costume design was really fudgeing bad. And, like, some of the clothing looked like way too new fast fashion. Does that make sense? Like, I feel like the. The quality of clothing, even on camera for, like, the 80s is really different than quality on camera for clothing now. And all of the clothing I felt like they had just purchased from a thrift store in LA that was like, drop shipping.

[Drew]

They're gonna win an award for costumes on.

[Kai]

I'd be shocked. Also, you can't just throw on big, funny glasses on people and be like, that's the time frame.

[Drew]

Well, no, that's what the girl irl.

[Kai]

Oh, no, not Candy. Like, her glasses were fitting, but, like, there was almost too many people with those exact, like, style of glasses. And I'm sure all those people in real life wore glasses, but all of them, like, I don't know what. Something about it felt like I was watching people, like, cosplaying.

[Drew]

Like, that's literally what it was.

[Kai]

No, but it's different because now we're watching Staircase and it's based in, like. Like, a lot of the footage is, like, they're showing, like, old footage from, like, the 90s. And, like, it's all based in 2001. And I don't for a second question that that's when it was happening. Like, not for a second am I like, oh, this feels like A better.

[Drew]

Grasp on the 90s. You were born closer to it.

[Kai]

No, the costume designing of Candy sucked. It bothered me so much, the set design and costume design.

[Drew]

Also, like, the set design was literally, like mid century modern furniture from, like, ikea.

[Kai]

Yeah. It like, all looked so, like the newer renditions of what those things looked like, which I'm sure obviously, like, what they're not going to source, like, real, like, nice furniture from that time frame. But yeah, like, even some of, like, the kitchen appliance looked so, like, new and, like, out of place in some frames. Like, some frames when Candy's in the kitchen, it looks like they put something on the counter to fill the frame up a little bit because, like, it was barren. And they were like, fuck, we should have got more.

[Enya]

But you don't feel that way about Marvelous versus Maisel?

[Kai]

No, I think Marvelous Mrs. Maisel has, like, a little bit of, like, campiness to it because it's like a comedy.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Kai]

That I don't even really question a lot of the stuff happening. And, like, the homes they live in feel like they're so obviously like older homes. Like, that's what they, like, look like. Whether it be, like, the framing, like the crowning, the structure of all the homes. And I think it gets a pass because of, like, it's a bit campy because it's like an old.

[Enya]

It's like a caricature.

[Kai]

Yeah, it's like a caricature almost of what that time was. And a lot of, like, the moral ground play is, like, still very real, but it's very, like, super colorful and, like, loud because. And then when it's like, dull, like.

[Drew]

Color until, like, the 40s. So it's weird that they had that, like, the.

[Kai]

No truth. You just, like, a lot of, like, photo and video didn't have color, but, like, that they. There was color.

[Drew]

No. How is that even possible, you think? Like, how did. How would cameras record in black and white?

[Kai]

Wait, I'm sorry, are you. Are you saying that you thought not only objects, but people were black and white and gray in the twenties?

[Drew]

Yes. Yes.

[Kai]

Wait, that just reminded me. I think my earring keeps falling off. Ian, remember when he was like, guys, they turned off the color in my.

[Drew]

City and he just had a black and white filter on. That was like, literally the funniest video I've ever seen. Like, one of the funniest.

[Kai]

It was during the beginning of COVID He was like, holy things are already happening in my town. They took away the color.

[Drew]

Well, yeah, they can do that.

[Kai]

Yeah. If you're being a bad boy, they turn off. Yeah, they turn off the saturation.

[Drew]

Be very, like, cautious.

[Kai]

It just sounds like you kind of still believe it, so I'm just gonna, like, move on. But, yeah, I didn't like it. I did not like it one bit. Staircase is so good. It's actually really gnarly. Have you been watching it?

[Enya]

No. I started watching Candy because you guys were talking about it, but I wasn't super into it. But Staircase is way better case.

[Drew]

Staircase. The fourth episode of Staircase is probably one of the best episodes of television I've ever seen.

[Kai]

See, that's how I know I'm not in a good place mentally, because the fact that I watched Candy and I was like, this is so good. This is amazing.

[Drew]

Every shot. I'm not joking. I've said this once. I'll say it again. Every or movie that I watch instantly becomes my favorite show I know I've ever watched.

[Kai]

I know. Drew, like, literally. Okay, you didn't. I don't think you caught yourself, but who were we talking to about it? You said to someone, you were like, the third episode of Staircase is the best. Is top. Easily top three. The best TV episode I've ever seen. And then the fourth episode, you said that about the fourth episode.

[Drew]

I think I meant the fourth episode. Okay.

[Kai]

Because you kept saying three, and then you were like, the fourth episode, and I was like, he's gonna say this for every episode. That it's, like, the best episod.

[Drew]

I mean, I meant the fourth when I was saying that.

[Kai]

You think it's better than any Breaking Bad.

[Drew]

A few Breaking Bad episodes. Yeah.

[Kai]

I need to have sex with Walter White. I need to, but not the actor. Like, Walter White.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like Heisenberg. Yes. I. Heisenberg could, like, wait.

[Enya]

Would you literally break my bed pre or post Heisenberg transformation?

[Kai]

Oh, post. I'm not free for you. Yeah. He was, like, sad. I'm like, oh, my God. I'm sad. Like, I need a boss, bae. I need a boss babe. And Mr. White is a boss babe.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Yeah. I need him. I need him really bad.

[Drew]

My anxiety toe is back.

[Kai]

Your anxiety toe? Oh, picking your toe.

[Drew]

It's back in a very scary way. Ew.

[Kai]

Is it nasty? Is it, like, if you got in a pool right now and then got out after, like, an hour, it would look, like, disgusting.

[Drew]

Yep.

[Kai]

That's, like, the worst part of being a nail biter is, like, being at the pool with your friends. Because it shows. It shows. It's so nasty. It shows.

[Drew]

What else y' all want us to talk about, huh? Oh, wait, I can't say that that is actually a good idea. I need to re.

[Kai]

Bleach my eyebrows, but I don't know if I'm gonna bleach my eyebrows again or keep them the way they are. I don't know, guys. Comment down below for me, guys. Let me know what I should do. I just keep. Every time I bleach my eyebrows, I burn the out of my skin. Also, I think I have skin cancer.

[Drew]

Oh, join the party.

[Kai]

I go to the dermatologist tomorrow morning, so I'm gonna have her look at it, even though I don't think that's, like, I'm going to her for my acne. There's no way she's gonna know.

[Drew]

But you're going to morning.

[Kai]

Yeah, at 11. That's why I said one.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. And I. Ow, my nail just ripped that off. Holy.

[Kai]

That hurt so bad. But, like, also felt kind of nice. But I have, like, a freckle that is not the color of a freckle. And it's not a freckle. It's just a gray dot that appeared on my arm. And I look at my arms a lot because I admire my freckles a lot. And also, I put lotion on my arms every single day, night and day. So this is brand new and I've never seen it. I'm just gonna assume. I got stabbed with a pencil when I was little, and it's like, lead. Yeah.

[Drew]

I stabbed you with a mechanical pencil in your sleep.

[Kai]

Why would you do that? You don't have a mechanical pencil.

[Drew]

Yeah, I do. I have a bunch. And I do it to everybody. I mark them. I mark my people. I'm territorial.

[Kai]

Oh, okay. Yeah. I was gonna say in a territorial way or like.

[Drew]

No, in a territorial way.

[Kai]

All right, well, my media is the staircase, please.

[Drew]

Stole that from me. I said it was my media.

[Kai]

It was your media last week.

[Drew]

Was it really?

[Kai]

Yeah, you talked about it last week because you had started it last week. Oh, my God, I dropped my nail. My media of the week also. We both. That's all we've been watching. My video of the week is. Then say the other things you've been watching that. My media of the week is the staircase. And I will say if I love, like, true crime things, but this show is pretty gnarly, so please watch at your own. What's it called?

[Enya]

Discretion.

[Kai]

Yeah, discretion. Viewer discretion is heavily advised. The last episode, like, the fourth episode actually fucked me up in, like, a gnarly way that I've never experienced from. I've only experienced like maybe twice in my life from movies and I don't like. It's. It's not something I would ever watch again. This is not a show I would ever re watch because it's really gnarly. But yeah, the fourth episode is really hard to watch, so keep that in mind. But it's a really good show. And that actress from Hereditary that her. In her past life, she did something. I don't know what she did.

[Drew]

She sold her soul.

[Kai]

Yeah. She is like way too good at playing. Like the way she plays, like, it's. I don't like it. It's scary. And then. Do you want to do your visual media?

[Drew]

No, I'll do. Do it all at once.

[Kai]

Okay. Then my audio media. Honestly, I don't even know what I've been listening to. Oh yeah, I do. I do. It's a rap by Mariah Carey. It's all songs that I've said before. But I'm like starting a new playlist of all the songs that make me happy because I need something to make me scream and like shout and like have fun. Drama by Roy woods and Drake. What a classic.

[Drew]

Yeah, yeah. No need to pretend.

[Kai]

I couldn't tell if you were singing it or like just saying yeah, like that. Unhappy by Outcast My Baby, Janet Jackson and Shown by Ball Greasy.

[Drew]

Well, I've been on like a really weird vibe music wise recently and I've been listening to like all of Aphex Twins, like really weird fucking songs like Milkman and Beatles. Those two are like hitting for me right now. Milkman, Beatles in the carpet. Yeah. And then since we're on Aphex Twin, listen to selected Ambient Works, Volume two. It's a really. I think it's probably like one of the best. No. Ambient album of all time.

[Kai]

Oh wow.

[Drew]

I think it's like that. And what's that other dude's name? I think it's Brian Enu.

[Kai]

Yeah, I was gonna say I love the. My favorite ambient albums are literally Ambient one and two by Brian Enu and Harold Budd.

[Drew]

Yeah, Ambient one Music for airports. It's like the other like really, really great ambient album. And then my visual media is Nick30 on YouTube. He's like this Fortnite YouTuber that I've been watching and I used to watch him back in like 2018 when I was like super into Fortnite and like me and Jake would like talk about him. But like when I still lived in Texas and his videos are just so wholesome, and he, like, doesn't cuss in them. And he makes it, like, a very big point not to cuss in his videos, and I just think it's really cute. And his videos are wholesome.

[Kai]

Ew. I curse so much when I play Fortnite.

[Drew]

You get mean. I heard something last night. I was like, whoa.

[Kai]

You know what it is? I hate when people tell me what to do when I'm already doing it. And that happens when I'm playing Fortnite all the time because you can't see what someone's doing. And when you're playing in, like, a trio or a squad or I'm like.

[Drew]

Help me, help me, help me, and no one's helping me.

[Kai]

And. But, like, it's, like, not even that. Like, that. I get it. But when I'm, like, already doing something or someone's like, don't go too far, and I'm like, bitch, I'm literally, like.

[Drew]

Around the world from you.

[Kai]

Like, you.

[Drew]

That's our trio's go to is, like, together. Stay together.

[Kai]

Yeah. And I'm like, I'm literally here. And also, it pisses me off because everyone always leaves me. Like, Like. And I'm the one who's, like, chasing after everybody because nobody says, like, where they're going. Like, when you're playing.

[Drew]

When I. When I. When we're playing, I mark where I'm going. I'm like, we're going here. And I mark it with the big spire.

[Kai]

Every time I. I do that, too. I'm always like, I'm gonna go here and then still want to be like, don't go far. And I'm like, I. I just told you where I was going because I need to get a gun.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

And it pisses me off. No, I can't. I can't keep playing Fortnite, but I am going to play immediately when this camera turns off. Like, I'm literally like. Like, I'm, like, itching for it. I need it. Y' all need to stop commenting about me in Fortnite on. On Tick Tock, because there was a Tick Tock that was on my timeline that I was like, I've been away from my. My PS4 or something for, like, three hours now, and I still want to play from.

[Drew]

And I'm shaking because I haven't played Fortnite in three hours.

[Kai]

And the top comments were like, Enya, Anya, and Drew.

[Drew]

It's real. It is so real. People see that and they're like, who the is in yon.

[Kai]

I know. I know. It pisses me off, because they're like, those losers, and I'm like.

[Drew]

You'Re mad. You're mad. Look at us. Look at us. You're mad.

[Kai]

Not you being mad. Oh, not you being mad over a name.

[Drew]

Literally, you're mad. That's literally. I'm just gonna say, suck my balls. And you're mad now, and, like, people, suck my balls.

[Kai]

I literally am always like, suck my big balls.

[Drew]

Yeah, you're mad. You're mad.

[Kai]

All right, well.

[Drew]

Well, that's our media. That's the episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If you're still alive, please leave a comment, because I don't know if anybody's alive.

[Kai]

I don't think there's anything I literally, like.

[Drew]

I don't think so.

[Kai]

I literally think I'm about to go log on to Fortnite and it's gonna say. That's gonna take, like, an unannounced time to matchmake because there's no other human on Earth.

[Drew]

Literally.

[Kai]

All right, Sam.