The World Will End In Three Years/Coachella Outfits

Summary

Podcast Summary: Emergency Intercom – "The World Will End In Three Years/Coachella Outfits"

Release Date: April 22, 2022

Hosts: Enya Umanzor (Kai), Drew Phillips, and guest Orion
Description: Emergency Intercom is a comedy podcast where hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips engage in witty banter, share personal anecdotes, and discuss a variety of topics with humor and candidness.

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1. Introduction and Initial Banter

The episode kicks off with a playful exchange between Drew and Kai, setting a humorous tone. Drew warns Kai, "Don't shush me, cuz I'm going to slap the out of you" ([00:56]), leading to a light-hearted misunderstanding about a reference to Lord’s music video. This initial banter establishes the friendly yet teasing dynamic between the hosts.

2. Gaming and Competitive Spirits

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around gaming, particularly Fortnite. Drew boasts about his in-game achievements, stating, "When I got seven kills in Fortnite today" ([02:04]). However, his pride is quickly tempered when Kai playfully teases him about losing in a fight, claiming, "Because you're a little. And that's how you know you would lose in a fight to me" ([01:42]). This segment highlights their competitive yet affectionate relationship.

Notable Quote:

Drew ([02:04]): "When I got seven kills in Fortnite today."

3. Compliments and Self-Image

The hosts delve into personal topics, including compliments on physical appearance. Drew shares a moment where he sent a flattering photo of Kai to a friend: "The person I sent it to was like, wow, Kai looks beautiful in that" ([02:40]). Kai responds with humor about her insecurities, discussing comments on her legs and her quirky sock choices:

Kai ([03:10]): "It was a reference to Lord. You know the Lord video."

This exchange showcases their comfort in addressing personal aspects with humor and openness.

4. Childhood Memories and Body Issues

Reflecting on their childhood, Kai discusses her experience with being bow-legged:

Kai ([03:37]): "I have really bowed legs. Like, when I walk it looks really weird."

Drew adds to the nostalgia by recalling teasing about duck-footed peers:

Drew ([04:03]): "When I got seven kills in Fortnite today."

This conversation provides a humorous look back at their formative years and body image concerns.

5. Coachella Experience

A major focus of the episode is the hosts' experiences at Coachella, offering a blend of humorous anecdotes and genuine reflections.

a. General Impressions

Drew admits some dissatisfaction with the lineup:

Drew ([05:10]): "I wasn't dying to see anybody on the lineup."

In contrast, Kai shares her overall enjoyment:

Kai ([20:01]): "I had fun."

b. Memorable Performances

The hosts discuss specific performances that stood out. Kai highlights Baby Keem and Caroline Polachek:

Kai ([22:32]): "My favorite sets of Coachella were... Baby Keem, Caroline Polachek."

Drew praises Harry Styles' performance, noting its artistic depth:

Drew ([23:46]): "He was like, I'm gonna tap into Prince and David Bowie."

c. Personal Highlights and Low Points

Kai recounts an emotional moment leaving Baby Keem’s concert:

Kai ([20:35]): "I had tears welling in my eyes where I was like, damn..."

Drew shares a humorous but tense incident where he used moaning sounds to get friends to leave his space:

Drew ([30:43]): "I played moaning sounds... making a commotion in my room."

d. Fashion and Outfits

The discussion shifts to Coachella outfits, with Kai proudly showcasing her styles:

Kai ([47:33]): "I wore a literal mumu. I wore a moomoo day two."

They humorously debate the appropriateness and impact of their fashion choices, highlighting their unique styles.

Notable Quotes:

Kai ([20:01]): "I had fun."
Drew ([23:46]): "He was like, I'm gonna tap into Prince and David Bowie."

6. Technology and Humor

Kai humorously claims, "Technology can smell fear" ([34:21]), playing on the absurdity for comedic effect. This leads to a light-hearted debate about private browsing and incognito modes:

Drew ([34:26]): "I'm gonna go lay down."

7. Personal Stories and Embarrassing Moments

The hosts share more intimate and embarrassing moments, including discussions about body hair and personal insecurities:

Kai ([43:27]): "I love hair. Body hair."

Drew humorously refers to accidental references to genitalia, adding to the episode’s comedic flair.

8. Discussions on Media and Pop Culture

The conversation shifts to popular media figures like James Charles and the Kardashians. Kai expresses admiration for the Kardashians, calling them "moguls":

Kai ([40:31]): "I love the Kardashians."

Drew critiques fan base terminologies and shares his own biases, fostering a blend of humorous critique and pop culture discussion.

Notable Quote:

Kai ([40:31]): "I love the Kardashians."

9. Concluding Banter and Jokes

As the episode winds down, the hosts engage in more playful jokes about music preferences, fashion, and everyday annoyances. They end on a high note with laughter and humorous reflections on their interactions during Coachella.

10. Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Drew ([01:00]): "I am a mother. I love you too."
• Kai ([02:16]): "Don't talk to me while I'm playing my damn game."
• Drew ([08:24]): "We were so mean as kids."
• Kai ([20:35]): "I was walking out of the Baby Keem concert..."
• Drew ([34:26]): "Technology can actually smell for you."
• Kai ([43:27]): "I love hair. Body hair."
• Drew ([56:58]): "We need to start the rumor that I am a nepotism baby."

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Conclusion

This episode of "Emergency Intercom" masterfully blends humor, personal storytelling, and pop culture references, offering a relatable and entertaining listen. The dynamic interplay between Enya, Drew, and Orion provides a rich tapestry of comedic moments and genuine reflections, capturing the essence of their comedic podcasting style.

Transcript

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[Drew]

See, don't shush me, cuz I'm going to slap the out of you.

[Kai]

It was a reference to Lord. It you.

[Drew]

Oh my God. Ow.

[Kai]

I hit her. I hit her. It was a reference to Lord. You know the Lord video.

[Drew]

I am a mother. I love you too. My.

[Kai]

This is okay, Lord. This is okay, Lord Slander. Because we are Lord St. Yeah, I love. Don't get it twisted.

[Drew]

I am a girl.

[Kai]

That hurt my hand. Are you okay?

[Drew]

No, that didn't hurt my hand.

[Kai]

That hurt my hand so bad.

[Drew]

See, because you're a little. And that's how you know you would lose in a fight to me. So don't ever step up to me because I'm going to beat the out of you.

[Kai]

It's because I have so much love for you and I would never ever do that to you that I know I would lose in a fight because I would lay down immediately.

[Drew]

No, you're fucking competitive ass. You would fucking try to beat the shit out of me and then you'd be embarrassed.

[Kai]

Competitive ass. When you fought me on an argument today that I. My competitive ass.

[Drew]

When I got seven kills in Fortnite today.

[Kai]

She did. It was.

[Drew]

I was killing it, but somebody had a tank so they murdered me.

[Kai]

Yeah, if only you would have followed my directions. I said don't.

[Drew]

Don't talk to me while I'm playing my damn game. I am tapped in. I'm not listening to you.

[Kai]

I said don't go down that hill. Do not go down that hill. And you went down the hill. And you died in the storm.

[Orion]

Is seven good for you or so like a lot for you?

[Drew]

I've never seen you play Fortnite. That's the funny thing. No Fortnite, no bitches.

[Kai]

What do you have his white skin?

[Orion]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Drew]

Ugly. And look at how it's. Look at. Look at how it is aging. I'm sorry, Kai. No, you look beautiful. You're a beautiful man.

[Orion]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Drew]

I have a picture of Kai in my passenger seat that I took to send to a friend, like, the other day. And literally, like, the person I sent it to was like, wow, Kai looks beautiful in that.

[Orion]

Wait, what?

[Kai]

Send it to him.

[Orion]

Yeah, send me that.

[Drew]

And then you saw it because you were next to me and you wouldn't shut up. And I. You saw. You looked at my phone to see the picture and you were like, I look good there.

[Orion]

Really?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Orion]

I must have blacked out from the.

[Kai]

Kayan or the kayan in your podcast. Sorry, I forgot. Let me untwist my legs because I'm really insecure. Someone commented on my weird ass legs how I sit, and I.

[Drew]

That is valid because you sit like a fucking little licorice, like, swirl.

[Kai]

Did you just call me? What was that?

[Drew]

No, like a Twizzler. How the Twizzlers are Twizzler.

[Kai]

That's a new slur. I'm writing that down.

[Drew]

Calling you a licorice twirl.

[Kai]

Look, I immediately went back. I immediately went back.

[Drew]

It is really comfortable.

[Kai]

No, it's nice, but it makes it.

[Drew]

It's squeezing my member in a way.

[Kai]

That'S, you know, that's why I sit like that. That's why I sit like that.

[Drew]

Because it squeezes to give some pressure to your member.

[Kai]

Yeah, no, I am sitting like this and I already have really bowed legs. Like, when I walk. Like my, my, like fibula and what is it? Not femur. It's fibula and tibia are like, literally, like bowed out already. So when I walk it looks really weird. And when I do this, it, like bows them out more. I just can feel my bones bending.

[Drew]

We were so mean as kids. Like, literally pointed to kids and be like, damn, you're bow legged as.

[Kai]

No, that is mean. I had a friend who had the duck feet that went. Wait, is duck feet. There's one that goes in and one.

[Drew]

That goes in when you're duck footed. No, duck footed is when you stand like this.

[Kai]

Yeah, his went in like this and he would.

[Drew]

I wanted to be duck footed because all the cute girls who were like, sneaker heads had their like, size three feet turned in like that.

[Kai]

And I was one of those girls who's like, you know, and sometimes in photos I'll just tweak my feet a little bit in because it's really cute and I'm just like, that's just cutesy. Oh, don't look at my socks.

[Drew]

Why? Are those your Coachella socks?

[Kai]

No, oh, girl. No. Dirty. No, these are.

[Drew]

No, it said Drew didn't have socks, and he asked for my socks.

[Kai]

I had socks, but I wore too many pairs, and I wore a pair to sleep, and if they felt like they were gluing to my skin already, and I was like, I'm not wearing these today.

[Orion]

Wait, are those mid low rise socks?

[Kai]

You're mid low rise socks.

[Drew]

Oh, my God, you are mid as.

[Kai]

No. Yes, they are. They are. And everybody in the comments saying all their weird ass little things about my socks, like, no, you can't buy them.

[Drew]

No, you can't buy them.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

So we went to Coachella.

[Kai]

That was lit.

[Drew]

That was mid mid city. Oh, my God. I literally felt like I went to Midtown.

[Kai]

You were literally so ungrateful, it's insane. You can't. That's one. One thing about Enya is she can't like anything.

[Drew]

No, one thing about me is I'm gonna keep it real and y' all are on meth. That's why you're having fun. Like, that's one thing about me is I won't be joining y' all doing meth. Like, that's the thing about me.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Fair me. When I literally wanted to do. I wanted to do Molly so bad, I was like, I'm gonna let loose. I'm like, I'm gonna let loose like I did in high school and go crazy and melt my brain and put holes in my brain, and, like, I'm gonna have fun and I'm gonna be depressed for a week. And when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. I was too scared. I was scared.

[Drew]

I mean, you know what it is? It's like, I. Okay, but you have to, like, agree with me. I'm not being a belligerent hater. Literally, to everyone who I talk to about it, I'm like, it is just not for me. Like, I can see how it's fun for other people, but for me, I just, like, genuinely didn't get that. And that's okay. Like, that's okay that it wasn't for me. Like, yeah. I don't know. Like, I. I just don't think it was for me. I'm really, like, I love live music. I think that was my biggest error was I got. I got the chance to go. I got given a ticket. So I was like, dude, I'm gonna go. Like, if I'm getting given tickets, Like, I'm gonna go with me and my friends. It's gonna be fun. But the thing was, I wasn't dying to see anybody on the lineup. And that was my first, like, big problem. You see how I can't talk without you trying to take attention? You're going to hell, and you're gonna perish every single waking moment of your afterlife. And then when you pass away again, you will go deeper into the pits of hell, and you will burn into ashes. And then those ashes will be bl.

[Kai]

Girl, reincarnation is real.

[Drew]

Yeah, your reincarnation is gonna be a duck, and I'm gonna shoot it, because I'm gonna be a hunter in my next life.

[Kai]

Sorry, I wasn't even trying to take attention. You just took away tension from yourself. Fair.

[Orion]

It's true.

[Kai]

You. Come on, Keep going with the Coachella.

[Drew]

I wasn't saying anything.

[Kai]

You said that. You didn't.

[Drew]

Like, was I talking? I was literally not talking.

[Orion]

No.

[Kai]

I loved me. Coachella. Coachella was lit.

[Drew]

The thing is, Drew was miserable, like, eight times. Like, eight times each day, he had a moment where he would just be silent and walking off, and me and Orion would be like, okay.

[Kai]

Like, yeah, that's because I got called a slur one time.

[Drew]

No, you. You. After that, you weren't even phased. It was literally, like, what was it?

[Kai]

You were lying? Because I was depressed, and then I got a shot in me, and I was like, you know what? I'm gonna live my life. Were they wrong? No, they were telling the truth, I guess.

[Drew]

No, you were. But the times I'm thinking of you throwing a fit, that's not. When you throw a fit, that wasn't throwing a fit. You were having, like, a normal reaction to something that was, like, fudgeing offensive and mean. But, like, I'm talking about, like, I don't remember what it was. There were, like, three instances where you just, like, I don't know what bothered you, but you just went silent, and you would just walk, and me and Orion would be like, all right, let's just let him, like, walk, like, 500ft in silence.

[Kai]

The first instance was the Venmo for the little buggy for the Peddibike. That shit was a fucking.

[Drew]

The thing about Drew is what Drew will be is. Is pushed over the edge by a minor inconvenience.

[Kai]

That is what will be. One thing about me is I will be angry.

[Drew]

You will be angry about minor inconveniences because we had literally the nicest driver for those bikes you could take to the entrance. Like, he was just like, oh, yeah.

[Kai]

Like, I wasn't angry with the driver.

[Drew]

No, I don't Think you were angry with him, but that's. I'm just like, let me finish. Like, he wasn't, like, pressuring you, but you put pressure on yourself to, like, we didn't have service, and the driver was just fine. He was like, oh, yeah.

[Kai]

Like, that's how I feel, his energy.

[Drew]

He was like, yeah, that's why I usually tell people to do it, like, over there, because this happens.

[Kai]

And he was just, like, allowed to tell me anything ever.

[Drew]

He was just standing there, waiting, I'm wrong.

[Kai]

No one can tell me I'm wrong.

[Drew]

And everybody was just silent, waiting. And I think the silence is what killed Drew. Drew literally was just like, oh, my fucking God. Oh, my fucking God. Like, to himself. No, not one person. Then Orion was like, oh, I'll try on my phone. And like, we were just, like, standing there, and you're just, like, kept getting mad. And it was literally making me laugh so much. I was like.

[Kai]

I was like, I can't believe this is happening.

[Drew]

No. He's like, this is literally the worst day of my fucking. The thing about Jurass, he's going to say it's the worst day of his life.

[Kai]

Every single day does not get worse than the worst day of my life. Every single day. That's the thing is every single day is the worst day of my life. If you live like that, the good days are better. Damn.

[Drew]

Damn. You didn't say anything.

[Kai]

Just how you literally live your life. Like, the worst. Live your life like every day is the worst day of your life. Because it can only go up from there. That is actually a bar. It's like, live your life like it's last day new. I do not agree with that. Not for a split second.

[Drew]

Because the thing is, that saying doesn't make sense. Because if it was my last day, I would literally just kill myself. Oh, my God.

[Kai]

But, yeah, I'm so sorry you feel like that. We can get through this. We can get through this.

[Drew]

We can get through this.

[Kai]

This is our new handshake. The thing is, like, why do we keep getting demonetized? It's like, I'm not fingering your hand right now.

[Drew]

All me and Drew.

[Kai]

Your.

[Drew]

Drew is on his computer today. And I went in and I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And, like, he had his headphones in, and I just went true. And I started pointing to his member, and I was like, please.

[Kai]

Oh, girl. I thought you were bringing up when we were in the bed. When you're looking at Christians or when you need the calendar. No, that was scary, dude.

[Drew]

He is such a tweak. Literally, I grabbed his iPad, and I go, calendar. Like, I was like, I need to see the calendar. And he snatched his iPad for me. He's like, no, you don't know what's in there. And I was like, what is on your calendar? I was like. And I was trying to think. I was like, is he planning a trip that he hasn't told me about that he's, like, anxious about, like, what. What the could he be doing? We opened the calendar app, and it gave the thing that of when an app is open for the first time, like, the instructions for the calendar app.

[Kai]

You can never be too protected.

[Orion]

I was expecting the schedule to be completely blocked out with grinder dates.

[Drew]

With the notifications on, but it literally was, like, an unused app.

[Kai]

And then I'm just scared that maybe something, somewhere.

[Drew]

One time someone went to use my computer, and they saw that I was watching something, and then that is easily.

[Kai]

The most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to me is if y' all found out what type of porn I watched, I would actually have to kill myself.

[Drew]

I tell y' all what I watch. I don't give up.

[Kai]

I mean, y' all gonna do.

[Drew]

Oh, you're gonna kill me. Oh, who's gonna sue me?

[Kai]

It's different. Like, y' all know what I watch.

[Drew]

But I know to see it.

[Kai]

See what I watch.

[Drew]

Yeah, I know what you mean. You know what's so funny is the way that I used to watch porn just on my tab and then delete my history until you were like, oh, I just do it in incognito. And that actually changed my life.

[Kai]

I see so many people that have their phone in or infinite incognito mode, and I'm like, I know you're watching porn in that browser. Look, do this. Open an incognito tab, then close out the incognito tab and go back, and it's even more secretive. Yeah, but I. Kai, let me see your phone.

[Orion]

Oh, it's in private browsing mode.

[Kai]

See?

[Orion]

But not for why.

[Drew]

No, but that's because Kai swear somebody wants to hack him. Yeah, he swears the government is watching him, of all people.

[Orion]

I do.

[Kai]

He's always incognito mode because the government's watching him.

[Drew]

Yeah, because we want to see what Kai's doing on his phone. He'd be like, open ig. He also deleted, like, the wallet app because he doesn't use real money because he's a little freak and he lives on the Internet.

[Kai]

And, yeah, Kai, I give you permission. Go ahead, explain it.

[Drew]

Explain why.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. Crypto. Like, I literally threw a slam dunk for you, and you air ball this time.

[Drew]

You did not. Like, two people in this room had no idea what you were talking about.

[Kai]

I guarantee Josh knows what I was talking about.

[Drew]

Josh is not listening. He just left the house.

[Kai]

Yeah, go ahead. And.

[Drew]

No, it's.

[Kai]

No, the way.

[Drew]

It's silent. It's silent.

[Kai]

Y' all are literally constantly.

[Drew]

Y' all are literally.

[Kai]

Y' all. You're constantly trying to bring me down. It's crazy. The vibes in here are fucking crazy. And it's, like, scary. It's almost. It's like. It's. This is a dangerous space for me. Every time I sit in this seat with you and Kai next to me, it becomes a dangerous, hostile.

[Drew]

Write a fucking book about it.

[Kai]

I might have to.

[Orion]

I'm so affectionate and nice to you.

[Kai]

It's true. And is a hostile winch.

[Drew]

I am the only person keeping this psychopath grounded in reality.

[Kai]

Texted me today. India texted me and was like, drew, you are, like, literally clinically insane. Like, out of nowhere. And I was like, oh, my God, what did I do? Like, actually, what did I do? Like, did I do something wrong? And then I. Like, she didn't text back, and I was like, what? She didn't text me back, so I had to call her. And I was like, why did you say that about me? And then when I was on the phone with her, it was like she was having a conversation with someone else, and I was like, oh, my God. Like, I literally, like, did something to make her actually angry with me. Like, I don't know what I did. And then she was just like, oh, we were just talking about you. And then, like, we were kind of just like, drew's insane.

[Drew]

Yeah, we were literally. It was me and Elsie. We were just like, drew is genuinely, like, a clinically insane person.

[Kai]

It's okay. Like, people talk about me. I'm used to. Oh, yeah, Coachella. Ever heard of it?

[Drew]

Oh, me, when I only made one place ever, and I have to keep the mementos.

[Kai]

No, see, one thing about me is I will keep a souvenir. And it's gonna.

[Drew]

I say that, like, I don't keep every, like, pass or ticket.

[Kai]

I put a claro sticker on my wall.

[Drew]

Yeah, I have that. I have that one, the Tyler one. And I have both of those tickets still.

[Kai]

Yeah. I was like, this is a cute Momento. Wait, isn't there a movie called Momento Yeah, Cool. I'm just flexing my, like, damn. I was showing shoulder, like, yeah, you look. I know. For a split second someone's like, okay, he looks good right now know. I know that for a fact.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

I mean, it's the way that I'm sexy.

[Drew]

Out of that many people, there is the chance of one other clinically insane.

[Kai]

Person watching who thought, no, there were 32, 000 people. Like, I'm not even joking. I genuinely believe there are 32, 000 people on this earth that see me. And, like, how many people have jerked off to me? Like, at least 32,000.

[Drew]

Are you actually on that? You are, like, belligerently delusional right now.

[Kai]

32,000 are people watching this right now? Where kind of embarrassed and like, oh, my God, I shouldn't have done that.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Kai]

They're thinking of, like, something naughty. They did.

[Drew]

I think you think you are Timothy Chalamet. Like, I genuinely think you are, like, on the same level as Timothy Chalamet.

[Kai]

No, Timothy Chalamet is ugly as. Except for in Dune, he'll get that. Pass me. I'm.

[Drew]

You can't talk. You can't. The thing is, you can't just say things about our friends. Like, on a public girl.

[Kai]

He knows that. Like, we're still friends. Like, I can call my friend ugly and I can call my friend sexy. Like, Kai. Kai is sexy and we're still friends.

[Drew]

You think Kai is sexy and Timothy Chalamet is ugly?

[Kai]

That. Yes.

[Orion]

Yep.

[Drew]

They're really.

[Kai]

That is actually a genuine, like, Kai, to me, is more attractive than Timothy Chalamet. No way. I swear to God on everything.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Kai]

100.

[Orion]

Can we pause for a second?

[Drew]

Why are you gonna cream? We're gonna hear his member thumping against the bottom of the table.

[Kai]

Pulsing is pulsing.

[Drew]

My member is literally thumping, blushing.

[Orion]

Drew, you make me blush.

[Kai]

Yeah, I know. Like, that's what y' all are. I was like, yeah, that's what I do to people. Like, making it about myself and that crazy. That's the craziest part. Oh, is this on? Yeah, but I mean, it's like, me sounds good.

[Drew]

Why. Why would I do that? Like, why would I do that? That's not.

[Kai]

Okay. So Anya had a miserable Coachella experience.

[Drew]

No. Okay. The thing is, what's annoying is, like, I didn't have a miserable experience. Like, I.

[Kai]

Everybody pushing your button.

[Drew]

Okay. Everybody kept good. No, because I did hear from people being like, you're like. Like, oh, we want to see. Like, literally, people were telling me to smile, and I was Like, I can just, like, be somewhere and not be having the time of my life.

[Kai]

Pretty girl.

[Drew]

But I'm not somebody who goes out and I'm, like, fucking grinning from ear to ear every day in my life anyway, so I don't know why in the middle of the desert with lungs shooting up my fucking ass and down my throat, which is like, what, dust? What did I say?

[Kai]

Lungs? How the are you going to shoot lungs up?

[Drew]

So I was thinking about organs up my ass and down my throat, and I liked it up.

[Orion]

There's nothing I love more than telling a girl to smile.

[Kai]

And I know, like, you're like, all.

[Drew]

Girls imply that you are talking to girls. And off top, you're not doing that.

[Kai]

All girls should just smile more. Like, you'd be more pretty.

[Orion]

You'd be way more.

[Kai]

You'd be way more pretty if you smiled and anymore.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Kai]

And wear. Don't wear makeup actually, though.

[Drew]

Anyway, I'm just like, I. There.

[Kai]

I can't mean makeup.

[Drew]

I literally can't.

[Kai]

Actually. That was too real. Kai.

[Drew]

What did you say?

[Kai]

He just said. He was like, actually, though. But it was like. It was.

[Orion]

Girl, you look so much better without makeup. Also, you should smile more and you should, like, twerk. Yeah.

[Kai]

You should wear shorts.

[Drew]

You should wear, like, a skirt. Like, so when you twerk, that ass as freedom to.

[Kai]

Like, that's what I was saying to you the whole time in.

[Drew]

Yeah, I was literally grinding my butt on you.

[Kai]

I know. Me. And in. You were grinding. Like, we've never grinded before. It was crazy. And so were me and Orion.

[Drew]

Yeah, we were all, like, on one. But it was just because, like, you have to. You, like, the thing about Coachella is you do have to shake that ass. Like, you really do. But. Yeah, I just, like. I don't know something about it, like, it wasn't clicking for me. I went and I felt like I had to, like, have a drink to, like, be, like, free and, like, feel okay about being there.

[Kai]

And when I did get that drink in me, I would have a blast. Yeah, but that's kind of what it is. I feel like.

[Drew]

But that's. But, like, see, I don't like, like, like that. Like, I think I just wanted. I wanted to go there and just immediately be, like, satisfied with being there. But then I was like, oh, wait, I actually don't think this is, like, my kind of scene. Yeah, I just don't think it was for me. Like, I. I also, like, didn't, like, dress up. Like, I didn't, like, buy outfits for it. I, like, I really just went because I was like, oh, I want to go experiencing, experience it. Which that was my downfall is wanting to have a new experience. You should just stick to what you know and, like, never leave the house.

[Kai]

True, true. I mean, for me, that was a blast.

[Drew]

Yeah, Drew did have fun.

[Kai]

I had fun. I. Although there were moments where, like, I was miserable, I feel like that's, like, part of the Coachella like, experience is, like, you'd be very miserable for the first two hours, then you have a drink, and then you have a blast. And you walk through these thick ass crowds of, like, sweaty, disgusting humans, looking at all of them in the face, and you're like, damn. Like, you're a human being and you're having so much fucking fun. And, like, this is your escape, and you're literally living your best life. And I don't know why, but there was a moment when I was walking out of the Baby Keem concert. I know I've told you all about this, but I was like, literally.

[Drew]

We both literally had the same moment where we were like, holy shit.

[Kai]

I had tears welling in my eyes where I was like, damn, like, we're all in this together. Like, even though the world's ending in three years, like, we're still gonna have fun.

[Drew]

No, it was. That was like. But I. It was sweet, but also scared me because I was like, oh, my God. When we were walking out of that crowd, it was just, like, bright lights on people's faces. So I was really seeing everyone's face, and everyone was looking at me because I was just walking towards, like, through them. So obviously they weren't just gonna look at the person walking past them. So I was just making eye contact. I think I made eye contact within the span of two minutes with 2, 200 humans. And that actually freaked me out because then again, like we were saying on the last episode, I'm like, oh, my God. Like, pe. Like, humans are like. It's humans watching this. Like, I. I'm like, I like to think I'm self aware, where I'm like, okay, yeah, everybody on the Internet is like an individual with their own life. But it's very easy, especially in the past three years when, like, your interactions with human has, like, been cut down so much to what it used to be like, physically being in that space and, like, seeing all these people. And I was like, holy. Every number on the Internet is like a. There's a real person behind that number. And that is so scary. And that was like, actually Freaking me out. And then I was like, oh, my God, there's so many people here. Like, there's 250,000 people here right now in this plot of land. And that is so fucking insane. And it was actually greening me out. Also. I got high, and I think it just made me sleepy. So I was like, I want to go lay down.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I just, like. I literally like the pictures I posted on ig. Like, I genuinely was about to take a nap, and then I was cracking up, and I was like, this is so funny. I'm, like, at Coachella right now, like, laying on the ground, like, begging to go to sleep.

[Kai]

Yeah, My. My favorite sets of Coachella were no. In no specific order. Baby Keem spiritualized. Caroline Polachek, that can yodel. Like, she can sing.

[Drew]

She can sing. Her.

[Kai]

She can perform, and all of her, like, hand movements and gestures. I was like, oh, like, not only are you, like, a incredible live singer, but, like, you, like, know how to move your body, which, like, is just really surprising to me when anybody can do it, because I literally can't.

[Drew]

Oh, you move your body when you need to.

[Kai]

Yeah. Like, in bed with you.

[Drew]

Yeah, I know. That's, like.

[Kai]

That's the thing.

[Drew]

Well, I'm sorry.

[Kai]

I really enjoyed the last bit of Flume Set. That was like, a really, like, a full circle moment for me. I was like, oh, wow. Like, this is. This is really big for me right now. Who else did we see? We saw. I saw Harry Styles, and, like, leading up to Harry Styles, I was like, this shit's gonna be boring. Like, I'm not gonna enjoy Harry Styles. Like, I don't even know any of his music. And then I was with Kai and our buddy Ramez, and I literally knew the lyrics to every song, and I was just, like, dancing the entire time. And they're like, I thought you didn't know who the Harry Styles was. And I was like, I didn't realize I knew every song, and I am enjoying the. He. That man put on a performance. No, that he turned it out.

[Drew]

He was like, you know what I'm gonna do is tap into Prince and David Bowie, but I'm gonna, like, tap it.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

He's the service. He's like, I'm gonna. That was another show where I was like, holy shit. This is one of those things that in 10 years, some kids gonna be looking at the video or, like, 20 years, some kids could be looking at a video and be like, oh, my God, I wish I was there. And I was like, I'm here. So, yeah, there, of course, there were moments where I was enjoying myself, but I think in general, I also just don't want it to come off as insanely ungrateful. Like, obviously, I'm very, very, like, satisfied and, like, grateful for the fact that I got to go. I was given a ticket. Like, I got to be there. That's awesome. I think, like, would I go back? Maybe not. Like, yeah. I just think there were, like, enough cons of it that I was like. Like, this is the best for me. But Harry Styles was so fucking. And I was also like, if you know me, I was a directioner. Like, also worst fan name ever. Like, I'm sorry. Like, we have to go back and, like, talk about that direction or, like.

[Orion]

It should be Directionals or erection or no. Or Erection or Boners.

[Drew]

What was that first one you said? You're trying to, like. You're trying to, like, jump off of Drew's ideas?

[Orion]

Like, the COVID erectioners.

[Drew]

No, you said directioners.

[Orion]

Directionals.

[Drew]

Yeah. That was bad.

[Kai]

What are sentinels?

[Orion]

Sentinels?

[Kai]

Yeah. Isn't that, like, a character in a movie?

[Drew]

I think it's, like, has an army. That's the army. That is crazy.

[Kai]

Like, that's Beehive. The Beyhive.

[Drew]

Yeah. Like, okay, the Barbs, the directioners. Like, cool name. Like, but whatever. Nonetheless, I was one tatted on my back.

[Kai]

What's Ariana Grande?

[Drew]

Arianators. I love you.

[Orion]

The Areolas.

[Drew]

We're not criticizing the fan base. We're criticizing. Oh, wait, literally, Frankie Grande was dancing with Anita. That guy who looked just like Frankie Grande. That was crazy. That was good.

[Kai]

We got to Coachella, and I was like, like, oh, like, maybe this was a mistake because we saw Spiritualize, and I was, like, turning up. I was, like, having a blast and Spiritualize, like, letting loose. And then we walked out, and we were kind of just chilling, eating, and, like, then we walked across the field to main stage because that's where the. Yeah, we were vip. Like, we were vip. Like, of course we were vip. Like, we had to be vip. I genuinely thought the camera wasn't recording, and I had to check myself before I said it because I know I'm, like, a liar. Wait, there was someone that I lied to recently. No, there was someone that I lied to, and. Oh. And I was like, sorry. Like, he. I can't even. I can't say it, but you know what I'm talking about. When I was being messy as.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Kai]

And then I was like, sorry. Like, he. I keep saying Basically, Let me get into this. Basically, I was being super messy with this person, but, like, not fully off of the topic. Not really.

[Drew]

Like, the other topic is gone. Like, long gone.

[Kai]

I walked across a field saw. What is it, Anita? On this main stage.

[Orion]

You really do sound.

[Drew]

Let's get into this. So I was being messy, and then he. Oh. And then I walked across the main field to the stage.

[Kai]

I'm trying to course correct seamlessly, but it is okay.

[Drew]

Yeah, we. We were going back to the VIP section and we saw someone.

[Kai]

I need a hit after that.

[Drew]

And we saw Anita performing. Oh, my God, I wish I could dance like that. Like, I think I'm somebody who could dance, but, like, I cannot like you. I think you would have to, like. No, I just don't think I can dance like that. Like, that is crazy. I also am not built like that. Let me try to shake my ass like that. Oh, embarrassing.

[Kai]

I can't dance like that. I just, like, choose not to.

[Drew]

Why?

[Kai]

I just don't want to embarrass the other girls.

[Drew]

Oh, that's nice. Anyway, we saw that.

[Kai]

Like, a man being able to shake his ass better than a girl. Embarrassing.

[Drew]

Are you trying to say that's, like, what women should be good at? Because.

[Kai]

Absolutely.

[Drew]

Oh, okay. I just make sure I love women anyway. But, yeah, we, like, saw her performing, and that was insane. Also a group of filme. Yeah, that was, like, so good. That was awesome. Yeah, I loved Caroline Polachek. I loved Spiritualized. Was, like, good. Like, that was, like. Because it was in that room. I was, like, standing still, watching, because I literally was, like, in awe. Like, yeah, I love just, like, sometimes I am that who just stands because I'm literally, like, holy. This is a band of, like, 10 plus people. And I just have to give a minute to, like, stare at every person and, like, see how they're contributing.

[Kai]

I was, like, just standing there at one point where I was dancing, and I was like, I can literally feel the music, like, vibrating through the ground to my feet.

[Drew]

Yeah, I felt it in my chest. It felt so good.

[Kai]

I was about to go, like, actually insane and say some really crazy wow. But, like, vibrations, like, literal vibrations, they're like everything.

[Drew]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kai]

Like, genuinely. They're everything.

[Drew]

No, literally.

[Kai]

That's, like, the best part about vibrations are literally everything.

[Drew]

Me, when my room turns into a barbershop at night, vibrations are every.

[Kai]

I literally sometimes lay on the floor by your door when you're doing that.

[Drew]

And I wish I could tell the story of me scaring the fuck out of you and Kai.

[Kai]

I mean, you can if you want to.

[Drew]

No, I can't. I can't.

[Kai]

She was basically faking like she was literally using her vibrator. It was like the craziest vibe ever.

[Drew]

They wouldn't leave. Next. My room is, as you know, the living room.

[Kai]

And they don't know.

[Drew]

My room is what was supposed to be the living room and what's separating it is a glass door. And then I have like soundproof curtains. But like you can still hear everything in the living room and vice versa. So, like, if I'm trying to do my business, need to leave the living room because you will hear was.

[Kai]

It was 1am and it was business hours.

[Drew]

Yeah, it was. And I let them know that's the funny thing is they had just come back from the Blade concert and I was like, the thing is, it smelled like.

[Kai]

Yeah, we walked in stinking like ass.

[Orion]

And we were watching like spongebob Theory videos.

[Kai]

Spongebob Theory videos. And I heard embarrassing basketball.

[Drew]

You're definitely. I heard the mean, like, you're definitely Squidward. And I was like, no, they need to go. I was like, no, now they need to go because they're seriously out there naming each other as spongebob characters. And I had told them before I got my room, I was like, listen, I am trying to commit and act of self care. You either leave or I continue. And I. And I told you all that, like, I think you were in the shower when that was happening. But I told Jester and Kai that nobody heeded my warning. So I'm sitting in my room and it's been 30 minutes of me listening.

[Kai]

To these talk about SpongeBob and laughing our asses off.

[Drew]

And I literally. And then I texted them and I was like, hey, can you guys keep it down? Thinking that would get them to leave. Not a single person left.

[Kai]

I didn't see my text until after and I was horrified.

[Drew]

Oh. So then I went to like girl moaning on Spotify and I connected it to my home pod, which is right next to that door. And I started playing like moaning sounds like kind of low. And then like starting and stopping it. And like they started to like hear it. So I heard them like kind of silence more down.

[Kai]

It was literally trauma.

[Drew]

And then I was like, I'm literally going to start like moving around on the bed to make it sound like there's like four friction happening on my bed and like things are happening in my room. And I just kept doing that. And then I like put the vibrator on my cabinet next to the door, which I don't think that added anything to it, but, like, I literally was just, like, making a commotion in my room, and all I heard was Drew, like, get up. And he was like.

[Kai]

I was like, absolutely not. I was like, I know this isn't happening right now. Absolutely not.

[Orion]

And we were, we were sitting on the couch, and then also, Jester had left.

[Drew]

Like, I, I, I still haven't spoken to Jester about it.

[Orion]

Before they left, we were, like, sitting on the couch, and we were like, oh, this is, like a joke. Whatever. Let's just keep watching these spongebob videos. And then it got louder and the energy shifted. We were like, I actually don't know if this is a joke, and I've never seen someone. Jester stood up and, like, just walked out of the apartment.

[Drew]

Still have to tell them. I still haven't told them that.

[Kai]

I was trolling so fast they left. I, like, I've never seen someone leave this house quicker. And when they left me and Kai stuck on the couch, we stuck around and we were like. We were like, we want to hear. Yeah, we want to hear what's going down in there. Like, of course.

[Orion]

Because we were like, we're skeptical, but I don't know. I remember, like, my heart was, like, racing.

[Kai]

Yeah. No, I was so embarrassed. I was, like, embarrassed. I was like, oh, oh. Like, no, please don't do this right now. And you, please. And then it got really loud, and I was like, it was, like, actually genuinely impossible to distinguish, like, reality from, like, jokes. And I was like, oh, my God. Like, this is real. And, like, fight or flight kicked in and I ran away. And me and Kai ran away.

[Orion]

We literally just ran physically as far as we could in the Before.

[Drew]

Not before being like, oh, hell no. Like, you just got so mad.

[Kai]

I was like, absolutely not. Fucking hell, no.

[Drew]

Yeah, because he said that. And. But I didn't stop. Like, I didn't stop, like, the noises because I was like, if I stop and start laughing, they'll know. So I just, like, kept it. Oh, because no, you were like, are you serious? Like, that's what you said at first. And then I stopped it for a second and then a second pass, and I was like, I'm going to, like, keep it playing. And then I kept it playing. And then Drew was like, hell, no. And, like, went to walk across the house, and then I came out and I was cracking up, and I was like, I literally just got the fuck out of you guys.

[Kai]

I wish you could have Felt, like, the fear, anxiety.

[Drew]

I feel bad because I don't want anybody. I don't want anybody to be like, that's actually so fucked up to do.

[Kai]

No, it was. It was. It was actually fucking hilarious. It was, like, the funniest thing that's, like, happened to me.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like, I was dying. I was dying.

[Drew]

The thing is, I told y' all to leave. I will say, the second y' all left, business was had. A business meeting was adjourned. The zoom links were sent out. Business was insane.

[Kai]

The legs were straight, the toes curled. Stiff as a board. Light as a feather. Stiff as a board.

[Drew]

Like, it's going down. And it did go down. But, yeah, that was a little prank I played on my. On my friends. I literally still haven't told Jester. Like, I probably should, because Jester is probably just out there, like, with the thought that they've heard me, like, beating my wing.

[Kai]

Beating your wing, wingbot.

[Drew]

But, yeah, that was my story. I was gonna say something really important. I forgot, like, right after this.

[Kai]

My important thing that I've been wanting to say is technology can smell fear.

[Orion]

Oh, yeah, I agree.

[Kai]

It literally can smell fear. Like, I genuinely believe that, like, when there's, like, a moment when you really need something to work. Like, you need your computer to work, you need your. Especially printer, if you need your printer to work. And, like, when you have to print.

[Drew]

Your essay in the morning before school.

[Kai]

Dead ass. Dead ass. Technology can actually smell for you. Where's my treat? Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Big girl.

[Kai]

Waiting for a treat. I'm waiting for a treat, bro.

[Orion]

Looking for a treat.

[Kai]

Me, the entire Coachella looking for Molly that I wasn't gonna take.

[Drew]

No. You at the museum, harassing that four, that poor worker being like, can I get a treat? Like, they were giving out free cookies and tea, and Drew was like, yeah, I want a treat.

[Kai]

You make it sound like it's intentional. Like, none of it's intentional ever. I'm just a fucking monster on accident. Oh, I'm getting sexy again. Sorry.

[Drew]

All right, we need to start the rumor that I am a nepotism baby.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Like, we need to start the rumor that, like, I come from crazy.

[Orion]

That rumors literally started about me.

[Drew]

Really?

[Orion]

In the YouTube comments. The new comment is Kaizen industry plant annoying.

[Drew]

And I don't.

[Orion]

And I don't understand. I don't even fully understand. Like, I know what it.

[Drew]

Because you literally popped up out of nowhere.

[Kai]

You popped up out of nowhere. How are you in our life?

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

But no, now I have questions. How the fuck did you get here? Sneaky. You're a fucking bastard child.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Kai is here because we love him.

[Orion]

Yes. Period. Also, my dad owns YouTube.

[Kai]

Don't tell them.

[Orion]

Oh, shit.

[Drew]

This is supposed to be about me.

[Kai]

Kai's dad built.

[Drew]

I'm the nepotism baby.

[Orion]

Okay, we need to shift this theory onto you.

[Drew]

Yeah. So we should start that. I need, like, you know, the edits, like, people make of nepotism babies. Is like, if I was, like, born again, I would want to be born. It's like this, and it's nepotism babies.

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Start adding me into those edits, and then just, like, people will be like, I'm confused. But the thing. The thing is, I feel like people look at my last name and be like, now you're just lying. Now you're just lying.

[Kai]

It's true.

[Drew]

But let's start that rumor.

[Kai]

You wait. You know what we should start for me, like, the rumor that I'm a nepotism baby.

[Orion]

Wait, that's a good idea.

[Kai]

I'm thinking we should start that.

[Drew]

We just start the rumor that you're probably going to get jumped in the next three days when you're least expecting it, by a group of strangers who you've never seen before. And then you're going to come to me and be like, oh, my God, I was jumped in. I'm going to be like, oh, my God, what the fuck? By who? And you're going to be like, I have no idea. They were all wearing masks. And then you're going to see that I wire somebody $3,000.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Orion]

For all that.

[Drew]

Well, it's a group of, like, eight people. It's really.

[Orion]

I'm saying, that's, like, really good rate for all of that effort.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

I mean, Hive Connection, she has deals.

[Orion]

Damn.

[Kai]

She has deals. Honestly. Fair. Y' all ever heard of Coachella vip? Have y' all heard of that? I'm selling my VIP bracelet for weekend, too. It won't get you into the festival, so you have to have general admission. But if you use this.

[Drew]

I think they changed the colors, Drew.

[Orion]

I think my favorite part of Coachella was, like, we would all be out there, and I'd be like, I'm just gonna pop into the artist section really quick.

[Drew]

I forgot you were there.

[Kai]

That's the funny thing is funny is.

[Drew]

I forgot he was there. You were there.

[Orion]

I was. Yeah. And, yeah, I was there.

[Drew]

We like, oh, my God.

[Kai]

That was the most annoying thing ever, was Kai had better wristbands than Us somehow. He is an industry plant. No one's talking about it.

[Drew]

It's because he's a no. Kai gets thrown around.

[Orion]

Ella ran through vibes.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Oh, I need to show them this.

[Drew]

You don't, though.

[Orion]

People listening on Spotify are just like.

[Kai]

Star Wars Coca Cola bottle. For those listening on Spotify, it's a sphere. I love me again.

[Drew]

I'm gonna enter my Disney.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Drew]

Like, it's fun. So expensive, though. That is an expensive. Like, I used to make fun of Disney adults. Oh, you have money, though. That's one thing I can't make fun of is, like, you have the money and you have the time.

[Kai]

Yeah. I'm jealous of Disney adults. I'm like, y' all are so happy.

[Drew]

I never.

[Orion]

They had such nice bathrooms in the artist area. It's, like, super clean.

[Kai]

Is there a way to unplug his mic?

[Orion]

No, it's fine. I'll stop mentioning it.

[Drew]

Kai, what's funny is you forget you are replaceable. You will be gone in an instant.

[Kai]

Kai would be like, like, genuinely, like, being like, no, like, come with me. Like, we can go over here. Like, come to this section at the 100 gecks performance, and I went over there, and I literally couldn't get in. And it was the most humiliating moment of my life. For once, Kai had power over me.

[Orion]

Yep.

[Kai]

And the craziest thing is he did not abuse that power.

[Orion]

Nope. Not once.

[Kai]

If I had that, I would.

[Orion]

I know. You'd be dangling your thing, like, walking in and out of the artist area.

[Kai]

Yeah. I'd be like, oh, you want back?

[Drew]

Come on.

[Kai]

Come on. Oh, you don't have this pass. Like, sorry. You want me to go with you? I'm gonna chill back here.

[Orion]

Yeah. I was so nice and chill the whole time.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Again, I don't even remember eating that. Like, you just blend.

[Orion]

I have photos of us hanging out.

[Drew]

You blend, baby. Blend. That's the thing about Kai Hill. Blend.

[Kai]

No way.

[Drew]

What?

[Kai]

The Kardashians.

[Drew]

Oh, big fan. Big fan. Big fans here.

[Kai]

Yes.

[Drew]

Big fans here.

[Kai]

I love the Kardashians. The first episode of the new season. I was. Wait fully.

[Orion]

It's the new show.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

I was good. So bad. It was so good. I like, without spoiling anything for those who haven't watched it. Literally, just, like, actual moguls. Like, it's actually inspiring at some points where I'm like, oh, damn. I want to be all like, y' all are so good at what you do. Y' all all have, like, your own businesses. Like, y' all have it off. Like, it feels like y' all have it figured out, even though, like, I know they don't. But, like, I'm just like, I love the Kardashians, and I know I never. Kardashian. That's my girl. Yeah, that's my bias, for sure. That's my bias.

[Drew]

I think my bias is her or Courtney or.

[Kai]

Honestly, Courtney's a. Courtney's funny.

[Drew]

Yeah, I love Courtney.

[Kai]

She's hilarious.

[Drew]

Maybe even Chloe. Like, I think Chloe gets, like, a lot of, like, hate, but, like.

[Kai]

No, no, no, Chloe's hilarious.

[Drew]

Chloe is funny.

[Kai]

When she was about her vagina being huge, I was like, see, that's me.

[Drew]

That's the recognition we need. Yeah, Big fat coochies.

[Kai]

I was like, I love you for that.

[Drew]

But, yeah, I never watched Keeping up with the Kardashians, so this is my first introduction. It was, again, freaking me out because I was like, oh, my God. These. Like, of course I know they're real people, but, like, I've said it before in an episode. Like, I know Kylie Jenner is real, but if I saw her in real life, I would just be like, damn, that's a crazy hologram. Like, I would be like, that is so crazy that, like, 3D render is running around right now.

[Kai]

Reanimated her. I love when Josiah says, we need to reanimate Michael Jackson. Like, that's the funniest thing. I like. Reanimating someone is so, like, such a hilarious idea to me. Like, literally the funniest.

[Drew]

No, actually, why haven't they done, like, the Michael Jackson hologram at Coachella? Because that. Oh, I'd go back. I would go back for the. For the delusion of seeing Michael Jackson live.

[Kai]

I don't know why he's, like, not a good person.

[Drew]

I never watched Keeping up with the Kardashians, so this is my first introduction to them. And, yeah, I'm. I can say they make good tv. Their producers literally, like, so good. Like, they. They make a good show. And that's it. That's all I have to give to the world. Don't ask me. Oh, we need to figure something out about, like, shaving your butthole. We gotta figure something out. Like, why are we this far in our. I guess because technically, as a human, you shouldn't be shaving your. But, like, I love an itchy butt. Is a small price to pay for being the sexiest person.

[Orion]

We figured it out. It's late.

[Drew]

Laser.

[Orion]

Laser.

[Drew]

Yeah, here I go, getting my one hole lasered.

[Kai]

Well, your one hole, I think.

[Drew]

Yeah. Just the battle.

[Kai]

I love hair. Body hair.

[Orion]

I want to get my ass lasered.

[Kai]

Genuinely.

[Orion]

Yes.

[Kai]

Why? I love my hairy ass. Really, genuinely. It's like, one of my best features.

[Orion]

I have a bad relationship with the hair.

[Drew]

I. I don't believe in being hairless, but, like, no, I'm just like. I don't know that. I guess I don't know that I care about my butthole, but the fact that it is seen is very. That's a daunting reality to me.

[Kai]

Like, it looks back. Your butthole looks back?

[Drew]

Yeah. Like, literally, like, she's. She is. My butthole is saying things that I will never see, so maybe I should be grateful for her. She is literally seeing things I will never see.

[Kai]

Damn.

[Drew]

Think about that.

[Orion]

Wow, that's really deep.

[Drew]

Like, I will never have my face that deep into a toilet. Oh, she has. She has been in there.

[Kai]

I'm gonna give you a swirly, teach you a lesson. I'm a bully.

[Drew]

Have you been beat up before?

[Kai]

No, but I've been called slurs before.

[Drew]

No, not the same. You gotta get beat up, girl. We got. We gotta get you a good beating. We gotta get you beat up.

[Kai]

I. I think I, like. I'm like. I play with it in my head sometimes where I'm like, would I be a better person if I actually got my ass?

[Drew]

No, because you would never shut the up about.

[Kai]

It would actually make me worse. Like, it would make me. I would hop on this.

[Drew]

Your victim complex would literally skyrocket. You'd be like, oh, my God. I've experienced death, brutality.

[Kai]

Like, I would hop on this podcast and not shut up about. It would become, like, a part of my personality. Like, genuinely.

[Drew]

Yeah. So I. I eradicate the thing. I said eradicate. We need some eradicating. Eradicate James Charles. Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Bbl.

[Drew]

I know.

[Kai]

Bbl.

[Drew]

Eradicate James Charles. Bbl. Eradicate it. Take it away.

[Kai]

What else on the docket today? Oh, my Coachella fits. Why is no one talking about that?

[Orion]

Why is no one talking about the fact that I dressed you for Coachella?

[Kai]

Why? Why? Every time that you talk that, my body, it freezes and it, like, hurts me every time.

[Orion]

Oh, your body gets all hard and stiff when I. When I talk to you, like.

[Kai]

Holy.

[Drew]

Holy.

[Kai]

No, My Coachella outfits were a serve.

[Orion]

I was about to body me, and you cut her off. I don't know what she was gonna say.

[Drew]

I. I don't even know what I was gonna say. You know what's so up is when I say me thinks you have to blackout.

[Orion]

You went into, like full intuition mode.

[Drew]

It's like in my blood. It's like in my coding.

[Orion]

Like I turned was like arched in a certain way. You were gonna destroy me.

[Drew]

It's the same part of my brain that turns on when I play fortnite. It's like, that's the part that, like, attacks you. Look at that big ass moth on the window behind you guy.

[Kai]

Oh, I literally hate moths. I love, I love.

[Drew]

They are so.

[Kai]

The. The nasty gray ones are disgusting. There's really. Yeah, the pink ones serve the house. Like the green ones serve the house. But like the gray little disgusting stinky moss that, like, when you touch, they, like, leave their powder everywhere. It's like. Like actually you need to die.

[Drew]

There was rotten lemons on the top of the fridge, and when I picked it up, like a bunch of like, powder molds followed and I threw it into trash can and a plume of mold went into my nose. So I probably will die in the next two days.

[Kai]

No, that's like, probably penicillin.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's gonna kill me.

[Kai]

Good.

[Drew]

That sounds like something that's probably gonna kill me.

[Kai]

You OD'd on penicillin?

[Drew]

I OD'd on penis. Fill in.

[Kai]

Damn, that a. I know that actually a. Holy.

[Drew]

Kai, what was that like? Literally, what was that like? Your job is to sit and listen and look at you.

[Kai]

My coach set up fits. Come on, like, compliment me. Damn. I've been begging for this compliment for 30 minutes. My first fit, I wore flashing on.

[Drew]

You were styled.

[Kai]

Oh, I was not styled. I picked out the. I picked out the clothes by myself.

[Orion]

No, you didn't.

[Kai]

Kai. I sent you there and I said, pick out this and this.

[Orion]

No, I went. I sourced the clothes, Kai.

[Drew]

No, I didn't. I wasn't saying he was sad about you.

[Orion]

Yeah, you were. You were.

[Drew]

No, I was not.

[Kai]

The second day, I was styled the second day. The second day you were, Skyler.

[Drew]

See, not shocking of a white man trying to take some.

[Kai]

And I wore a literal mumu. I wore a moomoo day two. And I frolicked around in those fields in that moomoo and it was. Insert the video. Thank you so much.

[Drew]

This is. This, guys. This is why we have to kill toxic masculinity.

[Kai]

Exactly, exactly. I felt like Harry Styles running through those feelings.

[Drew]

Okay, take it back. Run it back. Cut that. Don't ever say that about yourself ever again.

[Kai]

I. I literally. Sometimes I just feel like I look like Harry Styles. Like, I give Harry Styles. Like I'm sexy.

[Drew]

Yeah, you give Harry Styles nightmares.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. No, I like him sexy. I'm, like, charismatic. I'm fun. I frolic around on stage. I sing my little songs and do my little dances. Come on, Coachella. 16 more minutes of dancing.

[Drew]

It was 12. It was 12.

[Kai]

He said 16.

[Drew]

He said 12. I know one of you freaks knows he said 12.

[Kai]

Watch. He said 16. And maybe he said sometimes. Come on, give me your hands. This is a serious moment. Come on, we can both be right.

[Drew]

How would we both be right when he said that sentence?

[Kai]

Because he said it twice. He said 16 and 12. This is something I have to learn about myself, too. That I can be wrong sometimes, but I can also be right with you. Together, we can be wrong together.

[Drew]

Are you looking it up, Kai?

[Orion]

Yeah.

[Drew]

No, you're just using your phone while you're doing your job.

[Kai]

No, come on, Coachella. Because he said, sick. We have 16 minute. 16 minutes of dancing. And I was like, oh, he only has 16 minutes left in his set.

[Drew]

He said, it's an 80 minute set. And then he said, we have 12 more minutes of dancing.

[Kai]

I will shave. I will shave my ass if I'm wrong.

[Drew]

I. That does nothing for my life.

[Kai]

But it does so much for.

[Orion]

It's 12 minutes, Kai.

[Kai]

You just want me to have a hairy, hairless ass.

[Orion]

I.

[Kai]

You just want me to have a hairless ass.

[Orion]

I can look at it doing my job. I'm looking it up. And it says 12 minutes was said by Harry Styles at Coachella.

[Kai]

Why?

[Drew]

Where would it say that? Like, why would that be in writing?

[Orion]

It's like more of like a video is. And you guys so dumb. And I prove that what I said is true. Okay, show me. Elsewhere, Harry was his typical playful self. We've got 12 minutes, he said. About 40 minutes into his set, as the ground began to moan in protest of dancing, he continued. I may be quick at some things, but this is not one of them, he said.

[Kai]

But he said 16 minutes before that. No sweat. At the very beginning of that, every.

[Orion]

Minute he would make a new announcement of the amount of dancing that had to be done.

[Kai]

I can't be wrong.

[Drew]

I've never been wrong. It's funny how 2 minutes ago you were saying that you could. You can't be wrong.

[Kai]

Okay, so I'm right.

[Drew]

Women are always right. Men are stupid. They're so useless.

[Kai]

They should.

[Drew]

Silence.

[Kai]

I've never felt this feeling.

[Drew]

Yeah, yeah, swallow it, because I know you can. Because I know you do. Slut Poor slut. You're going to hell. You need some self respect. Are you good now?

[Kai]

I'm good.

[Drew]

Yeah. You just needed a moment. Yeah. Okay.

[Kai]

I was trying to think of, like, oh, like, this is what blank feels like.

[Drew]

Like, you. Like, that's not something you needed to express. Like, what? Were you trying anything else?

[Kai]

Nope. Literally, no. When? Who said no? No, no.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Should we go back to me being messy?

[Drew]

I mean, if you want to expose your ways.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew]

You don't have to say names. You were talking to a friend.

[Kai]

Basically, someone posted on their story an attractive photo. And I was like, and you watch this. And I typed out in the message bar.

[Drew]

Drew contemplated doing this for way too long.

[Kai]

Like, literally a week.

[Drew]

So I wasn't watching this. It was like. And, yeah, I'm gonna do this. And I was like, you should. And then he was like, okay, yeah, when I get home, you have to do it for me. And then a week passed, and he finally did it.

[Kai]

And then I, like, typed out, enya, I want them so bad. And then I sent it to the person because I was like, I don't know what that does for me other than, like, make me look stupid but am a liar. But then this person got back to me, and I was like, sorry. I. They. They were like, oh, I just thought you were being messy. And I was like, yeah, no, no. At first, I was like, no, I actually did that on accident. Like, I'm so embarrassed. And then, like, the very next message, like, 30 seconds pass, and I was like, actually, I don't know why I just lied. Like, I'm literally a liar. Like, I'm pretty sure that's very apparent. Like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I'm a psychopath. And, yeah, that's my life.

[Drew]

That's the story. Mm.

[Kai]

Holy shit, is it hot in here? It's, like, really hot, right?

[Drew]

Ew. Drew, fix your pants. It looks like you have a little boner.

[Kai]

I'm pitching a tent.

[Drew]

You didn't see it, but it literally hit him. I love exactly and exactly that.

[Kai]

Girl. Let's move on. Let's move on. It's crazy how that does not fade me, faze me anymore.

[Drew]

Fade you?

[Kai]

Oh, my God. One time, my brothers literally forced me to get high when I was 12 years old. They blew weed smoke into my vicinity, which I always thought, like, you couldn't get high from secondhand smoke.

[Drew]

I think you fully can. I believe you can.

[Kai]

But I was like, I'm 12. I don't want to Smoke. And they just blew it in my face. And that's the way. That's the reason I am who I am. And now one of them's dead.

[Drew]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You did have to, like. You did have to run it back like that. Know, I almost just said something that, like, would have been so undeniably tracked back to one specific person, but, you know, I kept my mouth shut because I'm a really good person.

[Kai]

I need to know what this is about. Wait, say it again.

[Drew]

Ah. Oh. That would have been like. That's not stirring the pot. That's like putting a, like, cake mixer into a bowl of soup.

[Kai]

That is, like, literally setting a bomb off.

[Drew]

Yeah. Detrimental.

[Kai]

That's crazy.

[Drew]

That is like, nuke attire.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Actually, see how good of a category.

[Kai]

Category is nuke attire.

[Drew]

The thing about apocalypse James Charles is.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. What? What's the thing?

[Drew]

Like, we're gonna rate Coachella fits on Patreon, so I'm literally gonna repeat this joke anyway. But, like, one thing you could take from James Charles outfit picks is we should send him to war because he is brave.

[Kai]

Yeah, he is.

[Drew]

He shows that man is courageous.

[Kai]

That man is.

[Drew]

He's got the eye of the tiger. Like, for real.

[Kai]

I'll give them a little taste of my opinions on James Charles Coachella. Fitz. Day one, I did not hate, I'll be honest, and that's all I'll say. But when he had the jeans on or the pants on.

[Drew]

Yeah, the whole fit was kind of scary.

[Kai]

Yeah. Okay, let's hop into the media.

[Drew]

Describing someone's fit is scary. Also, with what you wore, like, you wearing the movie like that. That was scary.

[Kai]

Absolutely zero. Right?

[Drew]

The thing about him is, like, he's gonna have the girls talking. We are absolutely doing that.

[Kai]

Yeah, exactly.

[Drew]

Shame on us.

[Kai]

All right, all right, all right. And you do yours because I literally have no idea what I'm gonna say. Maybe I'll. Maybe I'll just pick something real quick. Nope, I already said all that. I'm panicking. I'm panicking. I'm panicking.

[Drew]

Yeah, we'll figure it out.

[Kai]

Oh, God. I'm just gonna hit shuffle three times.

[Drew]

My songs are Baby father or Bubble by Baby Father, Easy Lover by Piero Piccioni. I don't know how the to say that. That's like an Italian name. Aguas de Marco. I think I said that already. And then my baby Janet Jackson.

[Kai]

This is so embarrassing.

[Drew]

Also, I have still been listening to that big thief album.

[Kai]

This is so embarrassing. What a Beatles song. Came up in my shuffle. That's really up.

[Drew]

That is so nasty.

[Kai]

I'm not even giving them the platform.

[Drew]

No, that's embarrassing. That is embarrassing. I was gonna make this joke on Tick Tock, but because it's like, it, like, literally all my comments would be flooded with, like, annoying people. But, you know, the audio, that's like, this is my song. Damn. Like, this is my jam. I was gonna do that and be like me when I was, like, 18, trying to get, like, random white guys to like me back when they played the Beatles. And it was like, this is my song. Like, me literally lying, like, that is not my song.

[Kai]

This is like a fun little game. All right, let's start. You'll watch. So I'm telling the truth.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Kai]

The first song is Hope We Never Surface. Two Lone Swordsmen. The Big Dream. David Lynch. Oh, my God, I'm so Controller. Drake, Mary Big Thief. I'm literally so esoteric, it's crazy. Fruit of Dreams.

[Drew]

Because I said Big Thief. You just had to say Big Thief. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing.

[Kai]

Windows, Daniel Lock Tin.

[Drew]

Okay, that's good.

[Kai]

Damn. Let me have my platform.

[Drew]

And I think that's it. The media, we watch. Oh, I've been back to watching insane Murder.

[Kai]

Yeah, murder.

[Drew]

I love a good murder story. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just human.

[Kai]

No, I love a good tragedy. Yeah, Like, I'm. It's. I. I used to be desensitized. I used to be desensitized to, like. Yeah, desensitized to, like, really gnarly tragedies. And then, like, I just watched, like, three beheadings on Gore.com when I was, like, 14. And now I'm fully back to being disgusted and scared and sad by that shit. So I've come full circle. You can get out of it, too, if you're trapped.

[Drew]

Love Without Tragedy. Slash Mother Berry by Rihanna. If you know, you know. And if you don't know, sorry, you're a fucking loser and you're probably gonna go to hell. And you have no friends.

[Orion]

I didn't know.

[Drew]

Not that shocking. Kai, come on.

[Orion]

Okay.

[Drew]

All right. Thank you, guys. Thank you guys for watching.

[Kai]

Do your little scream that you were doing.

[Drew]

No, it's like, I can't.

[Kai]

You have to.

[Drew]

It's like my fake laugh. I don't even know if I can do it. They were so annoying.

[Kai]

We literally had, like, laugh at sounds we made. Girl, me, I was walking back to the car and I was like. I made that one sound and I was Like, I just made a new sound. I just made a new sound, and I literally could not stop doing it ever since.

[Drew]

And you didn't do it as good as.

[Kai]

We've reverted so far back.

[Drew]

We literally love going in public and, like, talking to each other. And then I'll, like, one of us will do a fake laugh and be like. Like, laugh.

[Orion]

I open this, right?

[Kai]

Do not. That's a relic. That'll be worth.

[Drew]

That's a relic. But they sell, like, 8 million of those a year.

[Kai]

That'll be worth money one day. Trust me.

[Drew]

You are delusional, girl.

[Kai]

I'll sign it right now, and it'll sell for triple the value.

[Drew]

Yeah, $16.

[Kai]

Yeah, exactly. Who wants a signed Star Wars Fear Pepsi?

[Orion]

Inflation is gonna outpace you flipping this.

[Kai]

What is that? What does that mean?

[Orion]

Like, inflation's gonna go up.

[Kai]

Oh, I thought you said fiction.

[Orion]

No.

[Drew]

Okay, bye, guys.

[Kai]

Damn.

[Drew]

That's a. That's a big, stinky poopy.

[Kai]

Me taking the biggest of my life today and having to announce it, it literally hurt. I think I was bottoming.

[Drew]

I was so. I was so scared of going in the bathroom.

[Kai]

I know. You were like, did you put the drops in the toilet?

[Orion]

Did you say, like, you were bottom?

[Kai]

It literally did. And the craziest thing is, I was sitting in my chair. I was sitting in my chair, like, just kind of chilling. And I felt, like, this sensation. I was like, what am I feeling right now? Like, literally, what is. I felt this before, but I don't know what it is. And it was literally my prostate being pressed.

[Drew]

Sorry, my little cat.

[Kai]

It was my. Was hitting my prostate.

[Drew]

Okay, bye.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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