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Enya
This is an iHeart podcast.
Kai
Guaranteed Human.
Doug
And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.
Enya
Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?
Doug
Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.
Enya
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.
Doug
Anyways, get a quote@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.
Enya
Liberty, Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.
Doug
Start the spring season off right with a new pair of Tokova's western boots. Handcrafted in over 200 steps from genuine leather, they're built to last and feel broken in the moment you put them on. From cowhide to exotic leathers, Tekovas blends timeless style with all day comfort. Pair them with premium denim western shirts and accessories for an effortless, polished look. Shop quality western goods in store or online@decovas.com,
Kai
save on family essentials at Safeway and Albertsons. This week at Safeway and Albertsons, enjoy eight piece double breaded famous chicken fried or baked dark meat featuring four legs and four thighs for just $5.99 each. Member price available in the deli and sweet red cherries are $2.97 per pound limit, 6 pounds. Member price with digital coupon plus 24 ounce. Selected varieties of fresh cut fruit bowls are $5 each. Visit safewayoralbertsons.com for more deals and ways. Woody. Woody came as fast as I could
Doug
after Jesse called for help.
Kai
It's been too long, cowboy.
Doug
Toy Story 5 is only in theaters. So that's Lily, pal.
Enya
What are you, some sort of old man toy? She thinks you're old because you're bald.
Doug
Woody from Disney and Pixar. Toys are for play. Tech is for everything. It's toys versus tech.
Kai
The screen just took over.
Enya
Oh, the tapping.
Doug
The tapping on June 19th.
Enya
I want to talk to you. Device along Toys.
Kai
I responded.
Doug
I have plastic fingers. Disney and Pixar's Toy Story 5. Rated PG. Parental guidance suggested only in theaters June 19.
Kai
Guys, hello. We're doing a zoom episode today. How fun.
Enya
Hi. I'm not kidding. Setting this up. Also, everyone should know that the Queen Enya is the one who always sets up the zoom. I have a Zoom account for this occasion only. Really? And setting it up today was genuinely the hardest thing I've ever done. I felt like it was freaking me out because I'm like, damn, I Am far more disconnected, like, technologically than I think I'm even ready for.
Kai
Like, also, I just know seeing, like, mine and Kai's text being like, hey, we're ready whenever you are just, like, enraged you even further.
Enya
Like, no, not even enraged me, but I was like, I had already, like, sat down and been ready, and in my head I was like, oh, I have Zoom on my computer because we do this all the time. But I forgot since I've reset my computer, I don't have Zoom. And when I looked it up on the app store, like, I got really scared because when you look up Zoom, it's not just one answer. It's literally like 18,000 versions of, like, Zoom. And then I went on the website and my laptop isn't updated enough to get the new version off the app store, so I had to go to the website to, like, found find it. And it was like, download for Apple Silicon or something. And I was like, oh, my God, am I downloading an illegal version? Like, what's happening?
Kai
Apple Silicon to India real quick.
Drew
Okay, so basically, Apple decided to no longer be. What do you call it? It's like when you.
Kai
Oh, my God, India, you're in your nice era for real. Like, you're letting Kai explain technology.
Drew
I know. I actually got a lot farther
Kai
smile on your face again.
Drew
Okay, basically, Apple.
Kai
No, no, no, no, no.
Enya
Stop. Hey, Drew, I'm going to, like, ask you to remember that you're the one who asked this man to go on this, like, terroristic act. And although I don't agree with this terroristic behavior that is explaining whatever Apple Silicon means, I can be okay with the fact that, like, you know what? My friend asked for that terrorist to do that. And, like.
Drew
Okay, but I'm not terrorist. I'm just talking about computers. So.
Kai
I mean, who said that?
Enya
Okay, notice how you said I'm not a terrorist. I'm just talking about terroristic things.
Drew
I'll tell you what, though. I do terrorize the.
Enya
Hey,
Drew
please don't leave it.
Kai
Dap me up, bro. Dap me up.
Drew
That's like a little taste that. This was
Enya
you guys fingering each other now?
Drew
I think so.
Kai
That's like, the way we, like, dap up is like.
Drew
Also, guys, if you're wondering where I am, I'm in Toronto and I'm meeting with Drake, so.
Enya
Damn. Is bad.
Drew
Yeah, he's me. I'm meeting Iceman.
Kai
Iceman, Iceman, iceman. No more Mr. Nice Man.
Enya
Oh, that was actually good. And you know what's crazy is that could be on one of those. Because he did drop three albums, right? Am I like.
Kai
Yeah, he dropped three albums.
Enya
Oh, my God. Kai. Kai. Save your water. Wash it with the Fiji. I wanted that shirt, so. I wanted that shirt so bad.
Kai
Oh, my God, I want that shirt so bad. I literally, like, was.
Enya
Well, I'm bringing it home to you, baby. I'm literally bringing it home to you.
Kai
My first topic that I want to talk about today is. I mean, mean, notoriously. I'm an overthinker. I overthink everything.
Drew
Every.
Enya
Everything everywhere, all at once.
Kai
Exactly. Which, by the way, I predicted that movie back in 2016. But that's not a conversation for today's podcast. I. There's actually clips of me saying everything everywhere all at once with, like, galaxies in different dimensions and clock it.
Enya
But, Drew, I think that's, like, something that's been said so many times, but
Kai
not in the context that I used to.
Drew
Not.
Enya
Yes, because you were like, okay, but there's rocks as well. Hold on.
Kai
And I was Also, like, in 2016, I was, like, struggling with my sexuality, and I was talking about it, and it was like, my parents hate me for being gay, but I, like, want to be with my girlfriend, but I want a relationship with my parents, so it was confusing.
Enya
With your girlfriend?
Kai
Yeah. I. I identify as gay, but the lesbian part, so I'm a lesbian.
Drew
Me too.
Enya
Are you all gonna, like, take advantage of that or something or just leave
Kai
it out in the open? Oh, baby, I take advantage of that. I take advantage of that for real. How's my hair looking today? I did not look in the mirror.
Enya
It looks good. Can you please get. It always looks. I need you to obsess over something that is not your hair. Drew, your hair has become, like, almost like a tick.
Kai
Like, it literally is, like, because it was so bad for so long. Like, it was so ugly for so long.
Enya
Okay, how about this? Tonight, if I write, like, a very, like, eerie short script about your hair, can you act in it and I'll record it when I get home? Because, like, I have such a perception of you with your hair, to the point that Josie was like, he just loves that hair.
Kai
Well, you're glowing right now. I think you're in your bag the most when you're on Zoom. You look like I almost. It's, like, perfect. But anyway, that's my rendition of AI I was saying that I am an overthinker. I'm thinking about trying on underthinking and joining them, being a thinking. What'd you say?
Drew
What, being a thinking bottom? I don't know.
Kai
Yeah, exactly. An underthinking bottom.
Drew
Yeah.
Kai
So that's. That's my big. My big one. That's my big one. This episode, we should try on underthinking. And then this is the part where we have a conversation about it after. So ask me questions.
Enya
Okay. What. What brought you to this conclusion? Do you think there's a world where underthinking takes on a life of its own as a term? Because if that is what, like, I do. I like where you're going, but the only thing I'm feeling the need to workshop, friend to friend, is underthinking. Just doesn't sound phonetically good. But. Yeah. What brought you here and why are you like.
Kai
Yeah, panic attacks. Night. Right, right. Nightly rage in bed before I fall asleep.
Enya
Right, right.
Kai
The want to kill myself.
Enya
Yes.
Kai
So I was like, oh, maybe if I'm not thinking at all, none of those things will happen anymore, huh?
Enya
Yes. But maybe instead of thinking less, you find things to distract your hamstrings.
Kai
Like opiates. Oh, my God, Enya, you're so fucking right. Like, opiates. Yes. I will be taking opiates. Per Enya's advice just now, I will distract myself, Myself from thinking by nodding off. And yet, you are a. You're a genius. Thank you. And I was kind of, like, secretly, like, I was kind of thinking that, but I wanted someone else to tell me, so it wasn't my idea. So thank you for saying that verbatim. Just now. You said that.
Enya
I didn't say that.
Kai
Kai.
Enya
Kai.
Drew
And you just said it. You literally just said it.
Enya
You said, no, that's something I'd say to you. I would never say that to Drew.
Drew
Why would you say that to me?
Kai
Why is it a bad thing for if she said it to you?
Drew
Opiate addiction isn't good. That's not a good thing. Objective.
Enya
Well, I don't think you have. I don't think you have that in your path. So I'm like, yeah, you go do your fucking opiates if you're like, so, like, like, period. That works.
Drew
Okay.
Enya
For Drew, that doesn't work. You're offended that I don't think you'd spiral into addiction.
Drew
I'm not offended. It's just like, I, I, I do have, like, a dark side to me, you know?
Kai
Well, Kai famously is addicted to eating.
Enya
I, I knew it was going there. I literally knew it was going.
Drew
Here's the thing. We have mentioned this, and people think it's A joke. But I had to go to rehab for eating. For being addicted to eating box. And it was me in a circle with a bunch of eaters, and we had to share, which is such a
Kai
bad idea, by the way.
Drew
Yeah, it was a bad idea to
Kai
put a bunch of eaters in a circle. A bunch of munchers. Wait, instead of eaters, it's munchers.
Enya
So essentially, what you did, Kai, is you went to a room full of, yeah, there can be women and men in there, but you got, like, human centipede with them because you all had the oral fixation of giving head, and you're all sat in a circle. So all it would take, as Drew is insinuating, is, like, to stand up, turn over to your right, and everyone's getting.
Drew
I would say yes. However, the only change I would make is that it was more of a human ouroboros, because I said we were in a circle, so we would eat each other.
Kai
I thought it was the galaxy logo.
Enya
Yeah.
Drew
Yeah, it was the galaxy logo.
Kai
And we are infinity.
Drew
Yeah. Oh, Drew, speaking of you predicting things, I was looking at the. The audio that you sent me. What is it? The Rolling down in the Deep one. The astronaut.
Kai
What you know about rolling down in the deep.
Drew
Okay, I was looking at what you
Kai
know about rolling down in the deep.
Drew
You know that you know, but you
Kai
know about rolling down in the deep. And when my brain goes numb, we can call that mental freezing.
Drew
You know how it shows your friends videos on if they've used the song I Was Looking, and there's a really old video of Izzy and Emma. And this video is from 2001. Look up here. What is this? Oh, is that brat? Yeah, this was 2001. Brat dropped in 2024. Or 2021. Brad dropped in 2024.
Kai
Wait, hold on. Let me unpin India. I need to see this on the big screen.
Enya
Wait, I'm confused. You said wait. That's crazy.
Kai
That's actually crazy. That's crazy.
Drew
Yeah.
Enya
Something about that is just not making sense.
Drew
In 2021, I made one mistake. I've literally made one mistake, and I. It's. It is hard being a man.
Enya
It's 2021.
Drew
You mean 21.
Kai
Yeah, 21.
Drew
Oh, okay, well, maybe we cut that.
Enya
Okay, well, Drew, you're not gonna sell me on this. You can put it away, Kai. It's okay.
Kai
It has Fiji water.
Enya
Dude, sometimes you literally are like an uncle with early onset amnesia.
Kai
Like, and ended. Ended.
Enya
Okay, so back to your underthinking theory. What does this Entail. Entail. Other than your excuse for trying to find a reason to do an opiate.
Kai
Well, that's. That's it.
Enya
So the underthinking can only be done via sedation with an opiate?
Kai
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
Enya
That's what you think.
Kai
Well, I just think, like, a majority of the population, because Trump got elected, I'm assuming they're all underthinkers, so I'm gonna join them.
Enya
Yeah, yeah, I'm just.
Kai
I'm going.
Enya
But that's, like, by nature, so that's just not your nature.
Kai
Well, and I also decided I'm gonna be the happy smiler.
Enya
What the.
Kai
Does that mean I'm gonna be happy and smiley all the time now?
Enya
It doesn't really carry in your tone. Like. And also, you're not smiling right now.
Kai
Well, I already. I already have, like, tone voice, so it's. It doesn't really work, but I am.
Enya
Let's try to put some pep in your sop.
Kai
In my step, bitch. Come on. Like, I'm a gay man. You don't have to mention prep to me all the fucking.
Enya
No, you need to put some prep in your blood. I said pep in your step.
Kai
Oh, you're saying pep. Get on pep. Because that's the new drug that if you take within 72 hours of hooking up with someone, it'll kill the viruses in your bloodstream. And you're saying I'm addicted to sex, and all gay guys are addicted to sex?
Enya
Yes. Is that not true? Let's ask the group.
Kai
I mean, yeah, it's spot.
Enya
I mean. No, I was talking, so it's so spot. Spot on. Until you are someone like me who knows way too many gay guys who are having the hardest time finding someone to have sex with. But also, granted, I do think I know the, like, losers top. No, I know the top tier cookie of gay guys. So it's like, to me, yeah, gay guys have a lot of sex.
Kai
Unless they're like, are you saying I'm top tier cookie gay guy, or I have.
Enya
Yes, duh.
Kai
Okay, So I get no play.
Enya
Yes.
Drew
Wow.
Enya
Okay.
Kai
Period.
Enya
What did you want me to say? Gay people are sluts or.
Doug
No.
Enya
Like, really backed me into a wall.
Kai
Really? Really? No, I was literally. I was with Barbie and Ben last night, and we were talking about how gay guys are addicted to sex, and we were trying to figure out if it's, like, a good thing or a bad thing, because I'd rather gay guys be addicted to real life sex than to porn. But I think, unfortunately, gay guys are addicted to both porn and real life sex. But then it opened up this whole other dialogue in this whole other conversation where I was like, oh, this is really interesting because like, obviously like we've all experienced it. Like people leave a hundred nice comments, thousand nice comments, and then you read that one, that's like a hate comment and you're like, damn, that sucks. I really suck. Everyone hates me. Da da da da da. But it's really just the loud minority. And then I was thinking about like, oh, everyone acts like they have a lot of sex. Like everyone has talked about how much sex they have, especially in the gay community. But then it started making me think and I was like, actually I think they're just a loud minority because I don't think people are having sex anymore. Which is really curious and really interesting.
Enya
But I mean, yeah, realistically, because even me saying like, I know the top tier cookie in la, that doesn't get a lot of play because they are like feeling impossible to reach, if that makes sense. Like if you're top tier cookie, I feel like you get approached less because people are like kind of scared of you and also just have this idea of you that like I don't think anybody sees you in a way that like feels you're not a sexual objectified. You are still like dedicated to the untrue thinking thing. You wouldn't have amazing thoughts like this. Have you ever thought about that?
Kai
Yeah, that's true.
Enya
Like if you were in, in like a comatose opiate state, we could not be having this gorgeous conversation.
Kai
How do we know if we don't try?
Enya
Because I've been around people who are on opiates recently and damn, I don't know what they putting in them now, but like baby, they're not there.
Kai
Like they're not on opiates, they're on fentanyl and tranq.
Guest Therapist
Finding out I had OCD alone was genuinely so relieving, it felt like it gave an answer to a question I had always been asking, which is why do I have so many questions?
Enya
Why are the questions never ending?
Guest Therapist
And why do all the questions end with me being horrible and I'm going to burn for eternity for all of
Enya
the bad things I do all day,
Guest Therapist
even though I don't do anything bad.
Kai
And don't forget about that skin scrubbing.
Guest Therapist
Oh yeah.
Enya
Oh my gosh.
Guest Therapist
Yeah, that was bad. Real OCD is a serious condition where unwanted distressing thoughts called intrusive thoughts get stuck on repeat in your head and you feel complied to engage in Certain behaviors called compulsions to try to make them stop. No CD is a perfect place to really can help you manage all of your OCD symptoms and get on a track where you can live with things. And you don't always have to be answering to that question in your head.
Kai
Guys, OCD is one of the most treatable mental health conditions out there. If you get the right specialized kind of therapy. OCD needs ERP therapy or exposure and response prevention. It's proven to be the most effective treatment. Regular talk therapy isn't recommended for OCD and can actually make it worse. That's where no CD comes in. They're the world's leading OCD treatment provider, and all of their licensed Therapists specialize in ERP therapy.
Guest Therapist
Therapy with no NOCD is 100 virtual, covered by insurance for over 138 million Americans and includes support between sessions so you never have to face OCD alone. To learn more about OCD therapy with NOCD, go to nocd.com and book a free call with their team.
Kai
That's nocd.com
Doug
and Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual, even if it means sitting front row at a computer comedy show.
Enya
Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?
Doug
Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.
Enya
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.
Doug
Anyways, get a quote@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.
Enya
Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.
Doug
Hey, it's us, the Jonas Brothers.
Kai
And guess what?
Doug
We have some big news. What's the news? Huge news. We created our own podcast called hey Jonas. We invented a podcast. Well, we didn't invent it.
Enya
We.
Kai
We just contributed to the first people to do podcasts.
Doug
Pretty. Yeah, pretty wide range of podcasts, but
Kai
this one's extra special. So how did we.
Doug
How do we actually come up with
Kai
the name hey Jonas?
Doug
Guys, I honestly don't remember.
Kai
I think it was on a call about what we should call it. And, well, we were thinking. I'm originally calling it one of the
Doug
early names of our band before Jonas Brothers. This is how you guys remember it going down? Yes, I have a very different memory of this.
Kai
We were talking about a thing a
Doug
bit for the podcast where people could call in and say, hey, Jonas. And then I wrote down on my little notepad, hey, Jonas. And offered it up as a potential title for the podcast but thanks for remembering that. Guys, listen to hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Kai
Just listen. We don't care where you hear it.
Doug
Another podcast from some SNL late night comedy guy not quite on Humor Me with Robert Smigel and Friends. Me hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier this week. My guests, SNL's Mikey Day and head writer Streeter Seidel help an acapella band with their between songs banter.
Kai
Where does your group perform?
Doug
We do some retirement homes. Those people are starving for banter. Listen to Humor Me with Robert Smigel and friends on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Enya
And I feel like everyone who's doing that shit is literally on that because I'm like, I mean, it kind of is amazing how every time we're in a recession, opiates are just like the go to. I guess it makes sense because it's
Kai
like, see, they feel good and everything is bad. You can feel good. Anyways, sorry for bringing up opiates so early in the podcast.
Enya
I mean, it is what it is.
Kai
I've just been in an era where I want to relapse a little. I'm like, ooh, that would be so fun.
Enya
That would be fun for you for three seconds. And then. And you would immediately, I think, even through an opiate high, have a full blown panic attack. Like, I think realistically, I don't even know if you'd be able to enjoy yourself because I,
Kai
you know, me, could.
Enya
Yeah, I could see you. What? Why don't you just like, okay, how about this? Find access to a single opiate and then sneak it across into a different country where you won't have access to another one and get yourself a ticket and then you can go out into the middle of the fucking woods.
Kai
Well, I was thinking about flying to the Golden Triangle and holing up in an opium den for like two weeks and then flying back home.
Enya
What is that,
Kai
bitch?
Enya
Okay, I can't lie though, Drew, I love you so much, but if that is a path you went down. And people would be like, where's Drew?
Kai
I'm like, who the is that?
Enya
Because don't play with me. I'm not going to wherever the what? Where is the Golden Triangle?
Kai
It's in like, Vietnam.
Enya
Oh, oh, so the flight is that long? Oh, you gonna be there all alone?
Kai
Come rescue me. I'm gonna pay somebody to go and find you.
Enya
I'll pay Josh. I'll play Josh. Oh, no. Josh would get the fuck.
Kai
Yeah. No, no.
Enya
Okay, it. Me and Josie could go save you. It'll be like. Like a 2008, like, comedy movie that's, like, really actually not funny.
Kai
Yeah. It actually ends up being, like, train spotting. Okay. There was something else I wanted to talk about, and, well, the good news
Enya
is no one died in that movie. So in transporting.
Kai
Let's see if you think about it. But I know we've talked about this before, and this is not a hot take. I've seen people talk about this a million times, but it just recently happened to me where, like, I make plans to hang out with someone either, like, a small group of people, and it's just, like, a couple of us. And it's like, I am comfortable hanging out with these people. And then I get there, and there's eight fucking people that I did not know were a part of the plan. Flashbanging me with new people added to the plan. Or an hour before we meet up, adding people to the plan. I will not go. I will not go. I will not come. Like, do not do that to me. Do not do that to me. Adding people to the plan last second, Like, I'm so sorry. Like, oh, hell.
Enya
I think for me, it depends on the case scenario. It, like, really does depend. But I do agree with you. In no world do I suddenly want to be meeting. I just don't want to be meeting more than. I can't do more than four people new in a night because I'm like, listen, now you're all getting forgotten because too many people also. But I don't know. I kind of take to the chest, like, not remembering people. I feel like I'm pretty good at, like, forgetting, actually. That's, like, up. Yeah, I don't want to meet that many people because I'm. I'm also, like, too d. Gaff about. Like, I don't get the post social anxiety of, like, I hope I did a good job. I'm just like, whoa, no one here is real. This isn't real.
Kai
Guys. Isn't my room so cute?
Enya
It is gorgeous. Your room makes me really jealous. Like, honestly, I don't like that part. Wait, you posted on your close friends in my room? What were you doing in my room? Oh,
Kai
I was smelling your bedding because I missed you, baby. I missed you. No, I was taking a. I was running a. Yeah. And then someone asked me if I knew the choreography to Young Lean new music video. And I only know like, the first, like, 15 seconds. So I recorded the first 15 seconds of the choreography and the best lighting that was closest to me, and that was your room happened to be your room. And then also I was petting like a zool. I've been playing in your room. Like, it's fun up there.
Enya
I love that. I love that you have been hanging up stairs with me more often. You've been leaving your dungeon. You've been leaving the dungeon.
Kai
I'm about to be Hermit Mode 2003. Like, it's about to, like. Like, I'm about to, like, remember how I was, like, 18 months ago. Yeah, 24 months ago.
Enya
No, I'm not gonna let that happen. Bro, bro, bro. Like, why would you live like that? You. You have the blessing of being able to do what you do. Go explore the world. Don't hermit off.
Kai
I know, I know, but there's reasons.
Enya
Kai. Fly back to LA and get my boy a cut water.
Drew
He can get that in la. Why do I have to get that?
Kai
I feel like I. Fuck you.
Enya
I'll be back on Friday night, baby. We could go out. I'll go out with you. We could go, like, have a cute dinner. We could go get drinks. I'll get you more hot water. Because I'm not a cheap piece of shit who wouldn't fly back for my husband, the man I claim to love. Yeah. I'm claiming you. I love you, Drew. I love you.
Kai
I love you. And, yeah, way kind of.
Enya
And I'll be back. So Friday gets sexy for me, so you better be. I hope you kept those fleets. I hope you kept those fucking fleets for me.
Kai
Wait. Let's go on a little tour. Let's go on a tour real quick.
Enya
I need you to get sponsored by them.
Kai
We're going. Oop.
Enya
What? Did you just step on something?
Kai
Yes, I did, and I don't want to talk about it. We are now in my bathroom, bottom floor drawer. Yeah, we're fleeted up. We're booted up. Wait, and then I have, like, some other ones too. I have. I think these are glycerin, but you can't use those because it fills your butt with glycerin for, like, days. Like oil and glycerin. I. I talked about this at the live show, and since we never.
Enya
Oh, yeah.
Kai
I. Guys, I accidentally made mustard gas inside of my ass. I did some really, really devious work down there. And honestly, like, it wasn't even, like, to get play. Like, it wasn't even about getting.
Enya
I know. That's the craziest part is he's. He's also not. He's not being, like, facetious in this moment. Like, he, for real had no play. He was not stepping off that bench that night. Like, he was on the bench.
Kai
I was on the bench. It was literally just like, I need relief. So I did what I had to do, and I used the regular fleet enema, which tried and true. Old Faithful gets the job done almost every time. But this time, it didn't really work that well. So I was like, oh, I'm gonna use this other one, which has a stimulant in it, and it's like a little baby tube, a stimulant laxative. And then I did a fleet one. Pissed that out of my ass. Jesus Christ. And then I squirted up the gel. And almost immediately, I knew something was seriously wrong. Like, literally the second the tip hit my butthole, I knew something was. Was seriously wrong. And I just committed for, like, half of a second more and squirted some of the gel up there. And the pain that I felt is uncomparable to anything I've felt before in my life. Like, I can only imagine, like, you know when, like, white people go to the forest and, like, get stung by, like, bullet ants for some reason? Like, that's what it was giving inside of my butthole. Like, it was like borderland hallucinogenic. I immediately started sweating, like, drooling, like. Like biting my hand, like, trying to not scream. And it was going on for five minutes. And I was like, oh, I'm for real about to have to go to the hospital because I'm gonna have fifth degree burns inside my butthole and colon. Like, I just ruined my life. Great. And then I just hopped in the shower and prayed it went away. And it went away. And then I went up the stairs immediately to India and was like, I just made mustard gas inside of my ass.
Enya
No, the craziest part is you had come up there and you sat there for, like, a second. Second in silence, because I, like, I think I was watching, like, a cartoon or I was watching something, and you just came in. And I remember looking at you, and I kept watching, and then you were just like, I just thought I was gonna have to go to the hospital because, I mean, mustard gas in my ass. Oh, my God.
Kai
I mean, now saying mustard gas in my ass is hilarious.
Enya
I mean, that's. You now have, like, the closest experience that a vagina having person can have when they have to put a monostat three or Seven or one day. There's, like, a few versions of monostat. And I didn't know this because, like, I just bought the one that said, like, three days on it, because I was like, period. You're gonna kill this in three days. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I feel like I have such a high pain tolerance. Like, I really. I'm constantly covered in, like, like, dark ass bruises, and I'm like, oh. Because I just knock myself into everything. Like, I have a high pain tolerance.
Kai
Whoa.
Enya
That was. Yeah. That felt like doing ayahuasca to, like, find out if I wanted to talk to my dad again, like, or something. Whatever white people do ayahuasca for, like, exactly. Oh, my God. I actually thought. I remember that's the first time I've ever. I don't, like, use Reddit and, like, that, especially for, like, a medical thing. That was the first time in my life. Like, I had to.
Kai
You were glued to it. Oh, my God.
Enya
I was literally, like. Because I was like, this can't be good. I genuinely was convinced. Like, oh, my God. I thought my. Like, I was like, there for sure is crazy scar tissue in my vagina from that.
Kai
Like, it was like, I mean, rib for his pleasure baby.
Enya
Burning soil.
Kai
Rib for his player. It's like. It's like, you know, like, when dudes have hemorrhoids all up inside their colon. It's like a cave cave. It's like a cavernous cave for the day. For the vanilla day. Your. Your vagina is a cave with some rocks and stalactites and stalagmites hanging down for the veiny ode.
Enya
Ew.
Kai
True vanilla day. Okay, so we've talked about closeted Arby's eaters. Like, there's a whole population of people out there that, like, yeah, secretly eat Arby's and keep it in business. We're not talking about closeted Long John Silver's eaters. Like, there's some real eaters out there that are eating Long John Silvers and Arby's. And I know the crossover is insane. Which one of you are going to Long John Silver's? Which one of you are waiting in line at the Drive Through? Girl, it's fish. They're hiding like this in the Drive Through. Like, girl, wait. Long Silver's menu.
Enya
Like, I need to know,
Kai
and I'll do an ad read for him.
Enya
Oh, who the asked who the ass? Okay, Drew, you would all of this up. You eat Jack in the Box.
Kai
Josiah just did this to me.
Enya
Drew loves Jack in the Box. One thing about Drew is, no matter the time of the day, he needs some Jack in the Box.
Kai
Like, I hate this trope. It's the. It's like, the only thing that y' all say that, like, rubs me in the wrong way for some reason. Like, y' all could, like, in a very hateful way, take it to the chest.
Enya
All the other weird you eat, but you won't just admit that you love Jack in the Box.
Kai
Jack in the Box, bro. I don't. I eat it once every three days. Like, it's not crazy.
Enya
Okay, actually, I can't lie. The Long John Silver's menu isn't that crazy.
Kai
And that's fishy. Fishy Cooter Box. And that's on. And that's on the box smelling like fish.
Enya
I mean, okay, be honest. If it was between Long John Silver's and Arby's. Where are you going?
Kai
I'm going to Arby's. Yep. Fish from a fast food place sounds crazy. Have you ever eaten a fish filet?
Enya
Steak nuggets from a fast food place is crazy.
Kai
Like, maybe that's really going far right now.
Enya
Armies versus Long John Silvers.
Kai
Yeah. Are you. Are you team Arby's, or are you team Long John Silvers Lima?
Enya
Let us know down below.
Kai
Well, should I do some psyops? Y' all have heard three of them yalls yoga pants haven't been to a yoga class. Just the vape store and target
Enya
it.
Kai
My non binary ops think they them. My non binary ops think they slash them. LGBT stands for Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce Telephone.
Enya
That one is actually incredible. That one is like, guys, absolutely nothing on this planet is a. Is a coincidence.
Kai
I dropped the feature. So it's Lady Gaga. Beyonce Telephone. LGBT stands for Lady Gaga. Beyonce Telephone.
Enya
No, that's perfect.
Drew
Okay.
Kai
And then gays be like, I'm verse. Oh, sorry. Gay guys be like, I'm verse this. I'm versed that bitch. The only verse you need is a Bible verse. No.
Enya
Yeah, I. I like where you're going. I like where that's going.
Kai
Me. Me and Josiah have been workshopping that one for a couple days. It hasn't really gotten to where it needs to be yet.
Enya
Oh, my God. We do have to insert the picture I sent in the group chat.
Kai
Oh, with my ass. That's such a good picture.
Drew
Oh, yeah, I remember I was zooming in with the goggles.
Kai
Oh, look how colorful my room used to be. I'm, like, now, like, millennial.
Drew
I know. They took the color.
Kai
Is my room.
Enya
Well, they Turned off the color in Gay Town, so that's why your shit's muted.
Kai
Is my room colorful, would you say, or is it pretty?
Enya
It doesn't call the word colorful, but it's warm and has splashes of color. Yes.
Drew
Yeah.
Kai
It's also. I. Now, Kai, your room is very millennial gray.
Drew
Yeah, I got.
Enya
It's so weird that you got your bedroom done like that. Like, why would you want that to be what your bedroom looks like?
Drew
Just gutted everything. I just gutted everything. And my bed frame is actually. It's a white marble slab. Usually people use it as, like, a kitchen island, but daddy wanted to use it for a bed.
Kai
So you sleep. You sleep warm, so you need to.
Drew
Yeah. And my. And my sheets are super white. My towels are super white. Like a hospital. And then what else?
Kai
Is there any beige in there?
Drew
There's a little bit of beige. Yeah. The artwork that I put up. No, never mind. The artwork that I have up is neon. Neon sign, and it says, c' est la vie.
Kai
And then there's another martini glass. It's a martini glass.
Drew
It's a martini glass.
Enya
No. And the olives fall under. Is there any eyes in that? C' est la vie.
Drew
Yeah.
Enya
Yeah, right? Yeah. The olives or the martini glass is tipped over. The word and the olive is that I.
Drew
Yes.
Kai
And yeah. I want that shirt, bro. I literally.
Enya
What are you gonna give me for it?
Kai
Girl, you know exactly what I'm gonna give you for.
Enya
Are you gonna give me that cookie?
Kai
The cookie will be off quarantine by the time you get back. The mustard gas,
Enya
the scars have healed.
Kai
It's crazy. I literally was on supreme for the first time ever to buy that shirt in a very long time. And it sold out, like, very quickly. But I. I. And then I was like, oh, am I just gonna buy it resell? And it's, like, reselling for, like, 300. And I was like, actually, no.
Enya
Well, I'm one of those resellers, because I did stand in line overnight, and I bought all of the mediums there were. So I've been just, like, kind of living off of those and reselling those.
Kai
It's actually genius. I got told my outfit is Challengers Vibes yesterday. Did wear this exact. I got this jacket last. When was that? I got this jacket on Sunday, and I've worn it every. No, Saturday. And I've worn it every single day Saturday since.
Enya
Cute, Cute. Hey, Kai. Does this make you happy? Like, seeing him?
Drew
Oh, the print is crazy. What the. I wasn't expecting that.
Enya
That was your comment.
Drew
He didn't hear me say that.
Kai
Was it giving?
Drew
He didn't hear me say that. Just. Let's just move on what he said.
Kai
Whoa.
Enya
Your print. I wasn't expecting that.
Kai
Was it giving gray sweatpants challenge?
Drew
It was giving. What D or S
Kai
print? S tier?
Drew
S print. S tier. Yeah.
Kai
Okay. Good, good, good, good, good. There is this video that I've been debating posting on TikTok for two and a half weeks now of me doing the Addison Ray. Like,
Enya
Dude, zoom put that out. Like, you sounded so not like a sound human should be making. Or zoom fully just blocked out.
Kai
But the reason I haven't posted it yet is because you can very clearly see the outline of my dick and balls. Like, you can see each. So I was like, oh, maybe not, but maybe I do,
Enya
Maybe I do,
Kai
maybe I do, maybe I do, maybe I don't.
Enya
I think. Is it the one with me and Josiah dancing with you?
Kai
Yeah.
Enya
Oh, just put an emoji. Put the eggplant emoji over.
Drew
Yeah, yeah.
Kai
But it would be good material.
Enya
Yeah.
Kai
Yeah.
Enya
For what?
Kai
Lpsg.
Enya
What. What is that?
Drew
Oh, it's basically this bodybuilding forum that got taken over by gay guys, and they post photos of people's feet and ask for, like, oh, does this guy have nudes?
Kai
Did you have sex with him?
Drew
Yeah. Yeah.
Enya
And people are out there, like, dishing out tea and.
Kai
Yeah, I did something good for the house.
Enya
What'd you do?
Kai
What you do? It's gonna be a surprise. Whatcha do with your time with your Under a second. Good thing coming.
Enya
It just a bounce house.
Kai
Yep.
Enya
A water slide.
Kai
I'm the bounce house. Come bounce. They call me bounce house. I know exactly what'll get Kai giggling and laughing every time. I know how to get him giggling. That's my giggle boots right there.
Enya
Kai is giving academic trade right now.
Kai
I know.
Drew
Taking notes.
Enya
Yeah.
Kai
I. We did the Netflix is a joke live show.
Enya
Yes.
Kai
In la. And it was awesome. It was so much fun. Insert clip of Kai's entrance. Kai popped out. And Kai did his big one and then extra large one.
Enya
He did an extra large one.
Kai
And I really want to talk about.
Drew
Drew made me recite this joke that was just for me and him in front of his parents, and he's one of the most humiliating things that's ever happened to me. Yeah, I guess I'll tell it on the podcast. Fine. I mean, like.
Enya
Yeah, you have to.
Kai
Yeah, you have to. You have to. But can I give the background and then you tell. Yeah. The joke is okay, so Kai, for the last three, four weeks, has been going around LA talking to people I know and people that have no idea who I am, people who know who I am, but I've never met. So just every genre of person you can think of in his opening line, like, they. They wouldn't even. They're not even talking about me at this point. His opening line every single time is this. And if you want to add Kai, go ahead.
Drew
I'll just be like, oh, wait, did I tell you that Drew was bouncing on my dick the other day? And then he stood straight up and it looked like somebody poured a horchata on my stomach. And then I'll be like, oh, every
Enya
time you said it. By the way, I have, like, the most disgusting visual I've ever thought of in my whole life. Like, it is so disgusting.
Kai
It's really gross.
Drew
Yeah, because there's, like, cinnamon and in there, so.
Enya
Kai, shut the up.
Drew
Sorry. Sorry.
Enya
And there's turds. There's a huge cinnamon stick that also falls out of Drew's ass.
Kai
My lose hole. But, yeah, Kai's been going to, like, random people and saying this.
Drew
No, I haven't. I haven't said it to random people.
Kai
Yeah, not like people. You know is what I mean.
Enya
But if it's someone, Kai, if it's someone only you know, and Drew doesn't know, to be fair to Drew, that is a random person.
Kai
But it is one of the most flattering things Kai's ever done for me. I'm not even kidding. Like, the fact that I, like, come up in conversation casually like that with you is really special to me, so.
Drew
Oh, I. I always bring you guys up. I'm very proud of you guys.
Kai
Me too. I'm proud of you.
Enya
Thank you.
Drew
Thank you.
Enya
I actually am proud of you, period.
Drew
About what? Go on.
Enya
I think you have finally taken a hold of your life in a way you've maybe always wanted to.
Drew
Oh, thank you. Now Drew goes.
Kai
You've.
Enya
Y' all are so greedy.
Kai
Working pigs, both of you.
Drew
It's okay. You don't have to. You don't have to if you don't want to. But it would be nice.
Kai
You've kind of unlocked your dreams. Like Enya was saying, like, you've always wanted to work in comedy, and look at you now, baby. You're directing big things on a work trip right now, doing big things. And I think it's, like, all coming together for you very quickly, and it's really exciting.
Drew
Thank you. And it's because of you guys it's all thanks to you guys. So.
Kai
No, you're.
Enya
That's your own hard work.
Kai
You've been a star, baby. Thank you.
Drew
That's very sweet.
Enya
Yes, we are a part of it. Because I'd like to think of myself as, like, a Yoda in a way.
Drew
My muse.
Enya
Not baby Yoda. I'm like OG Yoda. I don't play that, baby.
Kai
And you can tell.
Enya
Yeah, I know. I know things.
Kai
Wait. Hint of virus. Girl, I've had that for years now. I've been watching Japanese animated porn for so long, y' all are just coming around to the hint of Irish. Is it getting better or. No?
Drew
It's getting better. You're dying.
Enya
Yeah, I like. I like that delivery way more than the. Than the questioning of it all.
Kai
I tried that in the live show for the first time, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I said something during that show that silenced the room in a way that, like, I've never done before, and I thought I was being silly, and it was. It did not.
Drew
Oh, I remember what it was.
Kai
I think it wasn't.
Drew
It wasn't the Charlie XCX thing.
Kai
No, it wasn't Charlie. But to clarify that, I wasn't saying Charlie's new. Doesn't work. I actually love her new. I was just saying, girl, sleep.
Drew
Yeah. Drew said Charlie needs to take a nap. It sounded really shady, but that's.
Kai
Everyone thought I was being shady.
Drew
Yeah, you were saying I was like, a concerned gay guy. Yeah.
Kai
I'm like, you can sleep, baby. It's okay.
Enya
I feel like everyone's getting a bit concerned for the pop girls, too, because it really is, like. I mean, damn, once you. Once you get the hamster wheel for real going, like, it almost feels like a threat to step off. Because, like, the second you step off, they're, like, boring. We wanted something yesterday.
Kai
You missed the. You missed the boat. You missed the train. Let me.
Enya
That's why we should all just be complete with the self, you know?
Drew
Yes.
Kai
Wow.
Drew
I've been saying this.
Enya
Feel content with the self.
Kai
Go on.
Enya
Like, why do you need to be useful? Slash, what do you actually deem as useful? A lot of people's ideas of usefulness. Okay. You think, like, getting the, like, top paying job is going to make you useful? You can, like, be the top tier of your class of, like, any career or anything.
Kai
You can still be a cookie like me.
Doug
Yeah.
Enya
And you can still be useless. No, I'm kidding.
Kai
I thought you were being serious.
Enya
No, but you know what? I Mean, like.
Kai
I know what you mean.
Enya
A lot of people think being useful is, like, I don't know, like, making something somebody cares about. And it's like, baby, I actually have the worst news ever that is not that useful. So you might find that even if you get all the accolades you're shooting for, you're gonna still feel useless unless you're able to be content with the cell. You should be happy with yourself even when you're fucking butt fucked, depressed. And that's, like, a really hard feat that I don't. I don't think I'll ever necessarily get.
Kai
But feet. Would you say about feet?
Enya
It's very large, hairy, husky feet. Ew.
Drew
You're right.
Enya
Okay. Should we do media?
Kai
No, I don't want to.
Enya
I watched Desperately Seeking Susan today, and it was really good. It's by the same director who did she. Devil and Smithereens. Really funny, really random, really kooky. Hashtag, women in film. Clock it.
Kai
Need more of that.
Enya
Like, do we, though? Should girl shut up.
Kai
Kai, take the stand?
Drew
No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. And here's the thing. I can't even joke about that. Like, I literally can't even rip with you right now. Drew, are you okay?
Kai
It's just, like, really scary for me
Drew
to, like, look what you did to Drew.
Kai
The, like, the thought of, like, a woman, like, not having a platform is, like, actually really concerning to me that it's even, like, a thought that could.
Drew
I literally feel nauseous. My body's rejecting the concept of that. Drew, I'm gonna FaceTime you after and make sure you're okay. Okay?
Kai
Thank you. Yeah.
Drew
Okay.
Kai
Thank you.
Enya
Kai's gonna talk you to sleep at,
Kai
like, what, 11:00am yeah, he's gonna lull me back to bed.
Enya
Just take a nap, baby. Just take a nap. Well, I watched that movie and trying to think what else? Oh, my gosh. I rewatched Inception because that was a movie that I literally only remember being able to get to, like, the first dream on. And I still. I. I genuinely. I. I paused that movie. I took my time watching it. I still don't know what the fuck that movie is on about. Like, I genuinely like, and I think I have. Yeah, right. It's like, there is supposed to be no real. Like. Also, I'd argue that Inception falls under category of a boy movie.
Drew
Oh, it's an OG boy movie. Yeah.
Kai
That's like, the first boy movie. You're spot on. Yeah, I watched it once with my babysitter when it first came out when I Was like, three years old or some shit because I was born in 2011. And. Wait, when did it come out?
Enya
I think it came out in, like, 2011.
Kai
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was zero. What the. That's crazy.
Enya
Time flies.
Kai
Like, whoa. Lies. And when I was like, zero watching that movie, I kind of understood everything, so. Right. But that's just the overthinker in me. Call back. Call back weeping. I just run simulation in my head. So you watched Inception and what was the first one?
Enya
Desperately Seeking Susan. Madonna's in it. Period.
Kai
Oh, word.
Enya
1985. Madonna. It's actually really fun. It's a good watch.
Kai
If anybody wants to get me a Holy Grail gif, I'll send you a link. It's like. It's like the. It's the only thing that I want that I cannot buy for myself.
Enya
What the hell are you talking about? Like, your birthday isn't coming up. A holiday for gifts isn't coming up. Why are you just, like, begging? You're digitally begging at the end of our podcast episode.
Kai
I'm talking to y', all, baby. I'm not talking to them.
Enya
You're. That. You're still digitally begging on my computer.
Kai
Give me to me.
Enya
Okay. Can you actually send me the link? I wanna. I wanna know.
Kai
Yeah.
Enya
Is it something.
Kai
I know you've definitely seen it. Let me see if I. I have, like, a million listings saved on ebay, but I'm sure they've sold also the Victor wembanyama card. My PSA 10.
Enya
Hey,
Kai
it's worth. People are selling it for, like, $5,000 now after the game last night. Wait, how do you go to.
Enya
I'm about to flip that. The.
Kai
Like, what should I go on? Should I go on my basketball rant real quick?
Enya
Honestly, go for it, because I haven't heard you talk about basketball and long enough that I'm genuinely interested in.
Kai
Okay, so we know this about myself. I'm a Mavericks fan, but I fucking hate the Mavericks right now. So over the last three years, I've been transitioning to a Spurs fan. Me and Kai sat courtside for Victor Wembanyama's rookie year because he's just special and I needed to be there, and Kai made it happen because that's my fucking man. That's my truth. That's my sis. Like, that's everything. Kai did that for me, and I really appreciated, and it's still one of the most special experiences of my entire life. But the game yesterday was probably the greatest game of basketball I've ever Watched on my television screen.
Enya
Wow.
Kai
Victor Wembanyama is the truth. So just to like paint a picture, OKC is a superpower team. They're like one of the greatest teams ever assembled. I'd even argue like better than warriors during their dynasty with Kevin Durant. Like they're really special right now. And if they really played their cards right, they could win the next five championships. And then spurs are a young, budding, very athletic team with arguably in my opinion, the greatest player in the world. Victor Wembanyama. And they're playing in the Western Conference finals right now. So it's like this young, like borderline underdog team. The spurs versus okc. This like they're still very young, but they're studs. They've proved that they can win the champion they championship. They prove that they can do it. So basically the Western Conference finals right now.
Enya
Studs in.
Kai
Yeah. Wait, you did. Wait. That was sick. That was sick. I couldn't even like laugh because I was so impressed. Like I love that you said that. Like that was really smart. Like mine and Kai's is like gay shit. Yours was lesbian shit. I lit. That was fierce. But anyways, the Western Conference finals right now is basically the real finals. So whoever wins this playoff series basically wins the finals because like it's between the Cavaliers and the Knicks and when Benyama will curb stomp both of them. But I do have my worries about the Knicks because I think everyone is really sleeping on them. But they're playing some of the best basketball I've ever seen in a playoff series and it's really special. And whoever wins OKC or Spurs has to be very careful to not get comfortable because they're still a really fucking good team. And I think the Knicks are going to win this series. But. But we'll find out tonight if they win or not. OkC, Spurs. Really special game, Wim.
Enya
Oh my God. Should I bet on a game? I think. I think sports betting is legal in the uk.
Kai
Oh my God. Yes. Bet tonight or bet the next Spurs OKC game that the spurs are going to win. Take over on Wim Benyama. He's going to score more than 25.5 points. But what we just witnessed from womenyama was like a mentality we've never seen before. Like this. This dude wants to win so fucking bad. He wants to put the ball in the hoop so bad and he will not stop till he does it. This in like the heat of the moment. 30 seconds left. Down three. Pulled from 40ft. He's seven foot five. He should not be doing that. It was his first made three of the game. He is clutch unlike anything we've ever seen before. And he really is the go and they're riding that high into the next game and I don't know, I just think it was really special to witness. And all you that didn't watch. Haha, sorry I did. And I was like jumping on the couch with Mason and Josh. Like I was literally.
Enya
Oh, that's really sweet.
Kai
Me and Mason or me and Josh were like hooting and hollering and Mason was going for OKC because he likes Shay Gil just Alexander. We'll talk about that at another point. Which like, yes, he is really good. Double mvp. Da da da. He probably deserved it. But like don't do that to me. I was rooting for OKC last year but this year like they're too good. It's like not fun to root for girls Spurs. But yeah, that's my little basketball tangent. Watch the Spurs OKC matchup. It is the birth of a rivalry in the league. Chet Holmgren is getting absolutely curb stomped by Wembanyama and it's the first like time I've ever seen a one sided beef ever in life. Just not basketball where the guy who is objectively better is the one talking all the live. Like when Benyama is so funny. He went to China and hung out with monks and like he does not play about this basketball. He's really cool. Get into it y'.
Drew
All.
Kai
Get into it y'. All.
Enya
I'm gonna buy a fake one of those off TEMU and replace it.
Kai
I would be so sad.
Enya
Also, I'm still obsessed with Haley Williams album. That's the rest of my media.
Kai
The new one.
Enya
Yeah. Or the one from last year.
Drew
And then my media is this guy, Aaron Westbury. You watch him, right, Drew? Yeah, he's doing stand up.
Kai
He. Yeah.
Drew
It's so posting these videos that are really funny. Like he goes up and does stand up and one of them he just tells the same joke like over and over again for like 10 minutes.
Kai
It's like performance art, bro. In the right context, it's literally high art.
Drew
I haven't even watched this, but I know it's good. It just says not going up when it's my turn. I think his videos are really funny.
Kai
Even. Even just like beyond his standup which is really funny. His fucking videos of him being like, like getting off my seven hour shift and cr. And he's like sobbing because he just got off his like 8 hour shift or whatever. And he's sad because he wants to work. Like, all of his. All of his just, like videos on Instagram are hilarious.
Enya
Right, right, right, right.
Kai
My media, obviously, is Spurs. OKC matchup. Tune the fuck in or get lost. Cowboys and Angels. George Michael. All I need air and don't be afraid. Knowledge.
Enya
Oh, my God. Don't be afraid. It's crazy. Zoom is cutting it out. So you're kind of just like.
Kai
You. You like that song.
Enya
Tell me a break of the way you feel. Tell me Afraid.
Kai
You showed me that right.
Enya
Yeah.
Kai
Yeah, I. Mason posted it on Instagram a couple days ago and reignited my love for it.
Enya
Nice talking to you losers. Bye.
Drew
Oh, my God.
Enya
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I do miss y'. All.
Kai
I miss you, Watanabe. Yeah, Come back to me.
Enya
Okay, well, I'm hunting the. The people who have hantavirus, because I want it.
Kai
You're hunting them?
Enya
Yeah, I'm hunting them right now.
Kai
Wait, what is it? There's, like, this genre of kink. Like, I mean, fetish. I don't even know if it's kink, but they, like, go after people with STDs, trying to get infected with them.
Enya
Oh, my God. You literally meet with hantavirus.
Kai
I actually need the text e in that because actually, let me not air his out. But there's something special that he's doing in New York that he needs that knowledge in the list.
Enya
Oh, thanks for listening.
Kai
Release the Epstein list, Period.
Enya
This is an I heart podcast.
Kai
Guaranteed human.
Release Date: May 22, 2026
Hosts: Enya Umanzor, Drew Phillips & Kai
In this laughter-filled episode, Enya, Drew, and frequent cohost Kai gather over Zoom for a characteristically chaotic session, loosely themed around “underthinking.” The gang riff about technological confusion, overthinking vs. “underthinking,” mental health struggles, sex and stereotypes, social anxieties, and their distinctive comedic misadventures. Drifting between hilariously unserious confessions and bursts of surprisingly earnest affection, the trio tackle everything from navigating group gatherings and creating “mustard gas in my ass,” to the psychology behind perceived usefulness, sports opinions, and more. Expect boundary-pushing jokes, irreverent tangents, and authentic moments of friendship.
[02:20] Enya opens by venting about the tribulations of setting up Zoom for the episode, triggering mild existential dread about her own lack of technical savvy:
“Setting this up today was genuinely the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I felt...far more disconnected, technologically, than I think I’m even ready for.” (Enya, 02:25)
Kai and Drew try (and fail) to explain Apple Silicon, with much derailing and joking about “terrorist” levels of tech explanation.
[05:51] Kai sets the main theme: as a notorious overthinker, they’re “trying on underthinking.”
“Notoriously, I'm an overthinker. I overthink everything...This episode, we should try on underthinking.” (Kai, 05:51 & 08:26)
Enya questions the term’s catchiness but relates.
Kai links overthinking to panic attacks, sleep issues, and dark thoughts, joking about underthinking as a possible solution.
“Maybe if I’m not thinking at all, none of those things will happen anymore, huh?” (Kai, 09:15)
The bit veers into dark comedic territory with riffs on self-medication, opiate distractions, and “finding things to distract your hamstrings.”
[18:14] A guest therapist insightfully describes the exhausting inner monologue of OCD:
“Finding out I had OCD alone was genuinely so relieving—it felt like it gave an answer to a question I had always been asking, which is why do I have so many questions?” (Guest Therapist, 18:14)
They briefly promote ERP therapy as the gold standard for OCD.
The hosts dissect gay stereotypes about sex, social media, and reality:
“I was with Barbie and Ben last night, and we were talking about how gay guys are addicted to sex, and we were trying to figure out if it’s…a good or bad thing…But then it started making me think...I don’t think people are having sex anymore.” (Kai, 16:00)
Enya muses on how “top tier” people might get approached less because they seem “impossible to reach.”
[23:53] Kai laments showing up to small hangouts only to find way more people than expected:
“Adding people to the plan last second, like, I’m so sorry...I will not go. Do not do that to me.” (Kai, 24:30)
Enya agrees but admits she’s “pretty good at forgetting” people she meets in big groups.
(A highlight for fans of classic Emergency Intercom)
Kai details a traumatic bathroom episode resulting from misuse of enemas, which he dubs “mustard gas in my ass.” (28:27)
“The pain that I felt is uncomparable to anything I’ve felt before in my life. Like…I’m gonna have fifth degree burns inside my butthole and colon.” (Kai, 29:30)
Enya relates her own “monistat” mishap, turning it into a communal “suffering is hilarious” moment.
The group jokingly out closeted eaters of Arby’s and Long John Silvers, with Drew resisting accusations that he’s obsessed with Jack in the Box.
“Jack in the Box, bro. I don’t—I eat it once every three days. Like, it’s not crazy.” (Kai, 34:24)
They riff on other fast food mysteries (“Fish from a fast food place sounds crazy”) and toy with shame, pride, and community around “bad” food choices.
Kai describes introducing Drew to strangers with a risqué in-joke:
“Did I tell you Drew was bouncing on my dick the other day? And then he stood straight up and it looked like somebody poured a horchata on my stomach.” (Drew, 44:29)
The group revels in how disgusting and hilarious these bits are to anyone outside the inner circle.
Earnest reflection on Drew’s progress in comedy and directing:
“You’ve kind of unlocked your dreams…you’ve always wanted to work in comedy, and look at you now, baby.” (Kai, 46:09)
The group is genuinely supportive: “That’s your own hard work. You’ve been a star, baby.” (Enya, 46:31)
“You should be happy with yourself even when you’re fucking butt-fucked, depressed…that’s a really hard feat…” (Enya, 49:32)
On Technology:
“When you look up Zoom, it’s not just one answer. It’s literally like 18,000 versions... Am I downloading an illegal version?” – Enya, 03:12
On Overthinking:
“Notoriously, I’m an overthinker. I overthink everything.” – Kai, 05:51
Underthinking Solution:
“Maybe if I’m not thinking at all, none of those things will happen anymore, huh?” – Kai, 09:15
Bathroom Fiasco:
“I accidentally made mustard gas inside of my ass.” – Kai, 28:27
On Friendship:
“You’ve kind of unlocked your dreams…you’re directing big things on a work trip right now, doing big things.” – Kai, 46:09
“That’s your own hard work. You’ve been a star, baby. Thank you.” – Enya, 46:34
On Usefulness:
“A lot of people think being useful is making something somebody cares about. I have the worst news ever that is not that useful.” – Enya, 49:32
On Sports:
“Victor Wembanyama is the truth...the greatest player in the world.” – Kai, 55:30
“Underthinking lets talk about it” is classic Emergency Intercom: comedically anarchic, veering from hot takes to over-shares, but with real insights lurking beneath. Whether it’s hot sports opinions, accidental bathroom chemistry, or wrestling with usefulness and self-worth, Enya, Drew, and Kai keep it honest, always funny, and occasionally profound.
For more Emergency Intercom, tune in for an unvarnished look at millennial/Gen Z life, friendship, and the chaos in between.