we fired ky

Summary

Emergency Intercom: Episode Summary – "We Fired Ky" Release Date: January 17, 2025

Hosts: Enya Umanzor, Drew Phillips, and Will Trent

Overview:
In the episode titled "We Fired Ky," hosts Enya Umanzor, Drew Phillips, and Will Trent navigate a series of comedic misunderstandings, personal anecdotes, and playful banter. The episode blends improvisational humor with candid conversations about relationships, social interactions, and personal stories, all delivered in the show’s signature irreverent style.

---

1. The "Firing" of Kai: A Comedic Misunderstanding

The episode kicks off with a dramatic discussion about the firing of Kai, one of the hosts. What begins as a serious conversation quickly devolves into chaos, revealing that the scenario is improvised humor.

• Will Trent ([02:02]): "We fired Kai. I know this is like a horrible, like horrible timing for this to come out but like yeah, Kai is gone."
• Drew Phillips ([02:42]): "You fired him because you found out he went hooked up with somebody else even though you like said okay..."

The tension escalates with playful accusations and denials, culminating in the revelation that Kai wasn't actually fired but was merely part of an improvised act.

• Kai ([04:50]): "That was improv. That was all funny improv."
• Will Trent ([04:50]): "Kai's not fired."

2. Grocery Store Interactions and Socializing

The conversation shifts to awkward social interactions in grocery stores, specifically Trader Joe's, where the hosts discuss the unintended flirtations resulting from staff training to be exceptionally friendly.

• Will Trent ([05:56]): "But I fall for that every time."
• Kai ([06:14]): "Trader Joe's business model is they're trying to commodify the small town grocery store... they train people to treat patrons a Southern bell."

The hosts humorously critique these interactions, highlighting how unsolicited friendliness can be misinterpreted.

3. Disdain for Tech Giants: Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg

A significant portion of the episode features biting commentary directed at tech moguls Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg, expressed through exaggerated and humorous threats.

• Will Trent ([18:46]): "Mark Zuckerberg, count your days. You and Elon Musk are going to end up in the same place together."
• Drew Phillips ([18:46]): "They're such, like, little dick ass hoes."

The hosts elaborate on their frustrations, fantasizing about elaborate punishments for the tech leaders.

4. Personal Car Crash Stories

The hosts share personal and often absurd anecdotes about car accidents, blending humor with storytelling.

• Drew Phillips ([50:11]): "We were driving to school because it was like 7am and this tiny, like Toyota Camry, it was a gold color... and 12 high schoolers jumped out of the car."
• Will Trent ([51:42]): "We would go to the YMCA and then we would drive... we both deep throated our Slurpee straws and cut the back of our throats."

These stories serve as comedic relief, showcasing the hosts' knack for turning mundane events into hilarious narratives.

5. Creative Expressions: Poetry and Improvised Performances

The episode features segments where hosts attempt to write and share poetry, leading to humorous and awkward moments.

• Will Trent ([56:10]): Delivers an overly dramatic and humorous sex-themed monologue.
• Kai ([59:46]): Recites his own poetry titled "Clever Girl," blending romantic imagery with crude humor.

The exchanges highlight the playful dynamics between the hosts, emphasizing their comfort in each other's comedic presence.

6. Media of the Week: Sharing Musical Tastes

In a lighter segment, the hosts discuss their current favorite media, including music and literature, adding personal touches to their recommendations.

• Will Trent ([62:38]): "My media is the Dark Tower one in the Dark Tower series by Stephen Hawking or Stephen King..."
• Drew Phillips ([62:23]): "My media of the week is still Just Walk a Thin Line by Fleetwood Mac."

This segment adds a personal dimension to the hosts, allowing listeners to connect over shared interests.

7. Language Learning and Cultural References

The hosts delve into discussions about language learning, particularly Mandarin and Swahili, interspersed with humorous skepticism about their own proficiencies.

• Will Trent ([27:07]): "I've been learning Mandarin and Swahili."
• Drew Phillips ([27:35]): "Give me your phone, because I feel like you're gonna, like, just look something up."

These conversations blend genuine interest with the show's typical sarcastic humor.

8. Final Thoughts and Wrap-Up

As the episode progresses towards its end, the hosts continue their unfiltered dialogue, touching on topics like car speed limits, social media absurdities, and personal ambitions, all while maintaining a comedic tone.

• Will Trent ([46:32]): "Why are the speed limits 50 miles per hour but my car can go 150 miles per hour?"
• Kai ([55:42]): "When I was younger, I would go visit my family and I would just regress and that was my activity."

The episode concludes with the hosts reflecting on their personal growth and the importance of family, albeit through their signature humorous lens.

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Notable Quotes:

• Will Trent ([02:42]): "Kai is gone. He's out of the picture."
• Drew Phillips ([18:46]): "They're such, like, little dick ass hoes."
• Kai ([59:07]): "That is sexy. That was a very sexy poem that."

Conclusion:
"We Fired Ky" exemplifies Emergency Intercom's blend of spontaneous humor and candid conversation. Through a series of improvised scenarios and personal stories, the hosts create a dynamic and engaging episode that balances laughs with relatable content. Listeners are treated to an unfiltered glimpse into the camaraderie and comedic timing that Enya, Drew, and Will bring to the podcast.

Transcript

[Drew]

Will, Talk to me.

[Kai]

ABC Tuesday.

[Will]

They took his daughter.

[Drew]

She's coming home alive.

[Will]

Will Trent, the series critics are calling powerful.

[Drew]

Must see TV continues to thrill.

[Will]

Shouldn't we strategize before we go in there?

[Drew]

If we screw up this case, a.

[Will]

Cop killer walks free with the riveting.

[Drew]

Conclusion to a two part season premiere.

[Will]

Tbi Help me get down Will tread.

[Drew]

All new Tuesday on ABC and stream on Hulu.

[Will]

Rated RP to M. You're listening to an ad for PC Game Pass.

[Kai]

Want new games on day one? Like a vow to Football Manager 25.

[Drew]

Say nothing if you're getting excited. Thought so.

[Kai]

Did I mention legendary franchises like Diablo.

[Drew]

And all for one low monthly price? 3 words we got you. Learn [e-mail] PCGamePass Some games reference coming soon. Game catalog varies by region and over time. Any questions? I'm just kidding. I can't hear you. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, prime helps you get more out of your passions. So whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail biting novel from time to time with services like Prime Video, Amazon Music and fast free delivery, prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into or getting into. Visit Amazon.comprime to learn more.

[Will]

Hi.

[Drew]

Oh my gosh. It's Friday. It's the correct day for uploading. Drew.

[Will]

Drew.

[Drew]

We said we weren't going to talk about that on camera.

[Will]

This. No, I. It needs to be addressed. So there's been a part of us missing for the last six weeks or something like that and we thought ah, like we. We might just let it go and no one will notice. But yeah, Kai holds a big spot in all of our hearts. This is about Kai. But yeah, but yeah, we. We decided to go separate ways. We fired Kai. I know this is like a horrible, like horrible timing for this to come out but like yeah, Kai is gone. He's out of the picture.

[Drew]

You fired him because you found out he went hooked up with somebody else even though you like said okay and.

[Will]

We don't have HR and like what? Like, like what? Literally like what?

[Drew]

I told you guys, you guys shouldn't have been like romantically inclined if you were gonna work together. I said that like from the beginning.

[Will]

Well, once you do us with someone, you're spiritually connected.

[Drew]

That's not true because we have no connection.

[Will]

So now I'm gonna have to fire you.

[Drew]

You can't fire me from the firing.

[Will]

I'm firing.

[Drew]

Also. Kai isn't fired. He's like, in the hallway. I'm pretty sure. Kai, you didn't fire him. You just said he can't be in the room anymore.

[Will]

Yeah, he has the bathroom.

[Kai]

Where are you guys?

[Will]

We were saying you're fine.

[Drew]

Well, he's been trying to fire you.

[Kai]

Why?

[Will]

Because you're, like, hooking up with people and you're blowing vape smoke in my face.

[Drew]

I know. He did just walk into the kitchen and blow a smoke at Drew.

[Will]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Should we start the episode? What were you guys talking about when I was in the bathroom?

[Will]

No, we were saying, like, you're gone. You're out of here. You're out of the picture.

[Kai]

Are you, like, flirting with me? Is. It's, like.

[Will]

No, no.

[Drew]

It's been, like, a huge decision. We've been thinking about mainly Drew.

[Will]

We've been talking about this for a very long time. I thought you were already gone, but apparently you want to hook up with other hoes.

[Kai]

Oh, is this about when you sat me down and said, since you're fucking, like, hundreds of other people, I can't work on the pod? I thought that was a joke.

[Will]

No, I was.

[Drew]

Okay, let's clear. Wait, who was hundreds of people, Drew or you? Because, girl, let's be honest.

[Will]

Kai was.

[Kai]

He was doing what you do. I was doing what you do.

[Will]

It's getting different.

[Drew]

Oh, you can never do what the master does.

[Will]

It's different.

[Drew]

He's a master of his craft.

[Will]

Yeah. Like, I'm ran through, but I still look put together. You're ran through, and look.

[Kai]

You're ran through, and you don't look put together. I'm ran through, and I look perfect.

[Drew]

You're falling apart from all the. All the insertions you've had. I'm having a lot of work done. We need to say that about people who are hooking up. Like, low key. You are getting a lot of work done.

[Will]

You're getting a lot of work getting work done. All right, guys. And scene. Kai's not fired.

[Kai]

That was improv. That was all funny improv.

[Will]

He's just been traveling the world. Yeah.

[Drew]

He's been too cool for us, so.

[Kai]

No, that's not true. You guys are my priority.

[Drew]

Yeah. Oh, that's what you say? Yeah.

[Kai]

No, you guys are my priority.

[Drew]

Hey.

[Kai]

Yep.

[Will]

Yes. Not. Yup.

[Kai]

Yes, but I just. I do want.

[Drew]

No.

[Will]

No. Yeah. You said yep. You say yes.

[Kai]

Yes, Papas and mamas.

[Drew]

Queen.

[Kai]

Queen.

[Will]

Yes. Queen. And yes, Daddy. Yes. No. Yeah. Say, Kai, can you say good boy?

[Drew]

Ew. Okay. No, just finish your sentence.

[Kai]

Good boy.

[Will]

Good boy.

[Kai]

Wow. So much. I've missed so much stuff. I saw Baby Girl and I've been saying that to people when I check out at groceries. I'll be like, good girl.

[Drew]

You shouldn't be saying that to random, like, stranger Joe's.

[Will]

It's Trader Joe's.

[Drew]

Yeah, they do.

[Kai]

Yeah, they say it to me first. They say it to me first.

[Will]

They're all sluts.

[Drew]

Anyway, like, when did that start? When did the, like, Trader Joe to whore pipeline start? Like, when did that become, like, a theory?

[Will]

Don't know.

[Drew]

Is it just because all their workers are, like, sexy?

[Will]

No, I think they're just, like, trained to be nice. And like, we live. We're existing in, like, a loneliness epidemic. Not just men, but women too. And like, when someone's nice to you, it's like, oh, wait, like, they want to have sex. They want me. But I fall for that every time.

[Kai]

I heard something that was like, Trader Joe's business model is they're trying to commodify the small town grocery store. So, like, their aesthetic is, like, not super. Like, it's not branded like a cvs. And then they train people to treat patrons a Southern bell, basically. Yes, yes. It's the Southern belle technique that actually.

[Will]

Is interesting because when I go to the grocery stores in Granbury, they're all like, chit chatting, want to have a conversation. And I'm like, leave me the fudge alone. I know.

[Drew]

I will say, yesterday I went grocery shopping and two people spoke to me. One, this guy saw me like he was a gay guy. So I let him speak to me. This older gay guy saw me getting pretzels and was asking about them. And, like, I entertained the conversation, but in my head I was like, you're.

[Will]

I hear gay guy. Kai here's gay guy. And laughs. Yeah, well, look, you can't say yeah. You gotta say yes.

[Kai]

Yes. Daddy, stop that.

[Drew]

Can't. Like, I can't.

[Will]

Mamas and papa.

[Drew]

But he was asking me about the pretzels and I just entertained it. Even though I was not in the mood and I was like, in a rush, I entertained it. And then this older lady was asking me to buy. To grab some honey off the top shelf for her. She was tall enough to grab it. Yeah, her old ass was tall enough to grab it. She was not my type. I just grabbed it for her. And then 20 minutes later, I'm narcissist.

[Will]

Like a literal narcissist, thinking everybody wants her.

[Drew]

Well, no, I don't actually think that you said that. I didn't think That I did think she was just, like, a little loose because she asked me big or she ran through because she asked me to grab the bigger container of honey. I went to go grab that, and she was like, can you shut the fuck up for three goddamn fucking seconds? Damn.

[Kai]

Yeah, you should slap him or something.

[Will]

Hit me. Hit me.

[Drew]

Hit me.

[Will]

Hit me.

[Drew]

Hit me.

[Will]

I can't feel my face. Just hit me.

[Drew]

Did they, like. Was that part of the movie? Just like, they did drugs or some. And they were, like, being freaky. What they do smoke weed or something.

[Will]

Or I don't know what dry. They might have done, like, nitrous oxide or some.

[Kai]

What are you guys talking about?

[Drew]

13.

[Kai]

Oh, I haven't seen that since I was.

[Will]

Hit me. And it's like.

[Drew]

And like, it was like, a huge thing on Tick Tock.

[Will]

Fucking hit me.

[Drew]

I don't feel anything. Hit me. But the. I went to go grab the bigger thing of honey because she was pointing at that one. She was like, no, no, a small one. I grabbed her one small one. And then she was like, actually, can you get me another one? I was like, okay. So I grabbed her another one, and then she asked me for another one. So she got three smaller ones instead of just the big one, which I'm whatever. But the point of this story, literally three minutes later, in the next aisle, we were in the produce aisle, and she comes around the corner, and she stomped. Slams into my cart, hard as. Didn't say sorry, didn't look at me. And I was like, oh, my God. I think she might just have dementia. Like, she literally, like, turned the corner, slammed into me, looked at me, and looked away, and then started, like, inching closer and pushing my car out of the way with her cart without saying a word. And I was like, bitch, I don't know, but I just. Fudge it. Helped you around the corner. Why are you like. She's angry with the fucking carts now, so she was mad at me for help.

[Will]

He's tweaking out. Also, like, the entire time you were talking, I realized every single word that comes out of anybody's mouth in my vicinity, I can sexualize. I know it's crazy.

[Drew]

I know. It's great.

[Will]

It's really gnarly. Like, you said, like, inches. And I was like, oh, inches. Penis. Because I was, okay, we're getting a new TV, but I wanted to measure the old TV. So I. I think it's 65 inches, which is 3 drew penis links. That's like, a new unit of measure.

[Kai]

We're using Your dick is that long.

[Drew]

Wait, how long is that?

[Will]

It's like 21.5 inches or 20. 21.33. But I round.

[Drew]

It's actually 21.66.

[Will]

Yeah, 21.66. So I round down.

[Kai]

Is that when it's. You have a. Oh.

[Will]

On soft. But, yeah, we. You also said slams. Like, her cart slams into you. Slams, like doing s. Who says slams? You said slams.

[Drew]

No, I'm saying, like, who says that in a sexual contact?

[Will]

Oh, I slammed her.

[Drew]

Is that a thing?

[Will]

This new fucking thing that, like, guys are saying that's absolutely, like, repulsive. Like, you know, like, they have Riz and they have hers, and they have all that shit. Bitch. The new thing they're saying is splitting, like, oh, I'd split that.

[Kai]

Which.

[Will]

Like, that's gross. Yeah. And they're, like, talking about, like, the most.

[Drew]

What's crazy is, I think Drew, somehow you interact with the straightest side of the Internet because every time you bring up some stuff that, like, guys are talking about, it really freaks me out.

[Kai]

You're like, who told.

[Drew]

Told you that?

[Kai]

I feel like you knew about, like, mogging culture so long, like, a year before people were.

[Will]

Oh, no, I was. I was tapped in.

[Drew]

No, he knew about mewing way too early.

[Will]

Yeah, no, I was. I was tapped the. Into the, like, looks max in culture because I just thought it was literally the most deranged, funny thing I've ever seen in my life. And the reason I found out about it was this kid, Dylan Latham, who is a part of the Cookieverse, who is also a part of Santa Cruz.

[Kai]

I think I know. Isn't that, like, chopped house?

[Drew]

No, no, no, no.

[Will]

You don't know. You don't know. Po mv.

[Drew]

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. No, no, no. I actually. I don't want to know. I, like, I feel like. No, I feel like I genuinely, genuinely think these are things I should never hear. Like, do you know what I mean? Sometimes, like, no.

[Will]

Vex P is a part of. Yay Squad. And Vex Bolt snuck into the Cookieverse lore. He was sneaking in.

[Drew]

Yeah, I really. I really. I'm not kidding. It feels like a world that I just shouldn't know exists. It's like, oh, my God.

[Will]

Like, I just shouldn't. It's a world no man over the age of 16 should know about. And it's, like, really crazy, cuz, like, I'm, like, so locked into this universe. I even DM'd Cookie King because I want to sneak into his lore. I want to sneak into the Lore. But no, the reason I found out about looks, maxing it.

[Kai]

Hearing Drew say that he DMed cookie king.

[Will]

No, but. And I'm sneaking into the lore.

[Drew]

Seriously, the world.

[Will]

I'm going to be in season eight. I'm going to be in season eight.

[Kai]

There's seasons.

[Will]

Yeah, we're on season seven right now and it's the.

[Kai]

What are you talking about?

[Drew]

Like, how are you on a season of what?

[Will]

Like, it's the Tik Tok universe. Y'all don't know Hillsboro Hills?

[Kai]

No, it's not.

[Drew]

Like, stop. Like why do you have all that information in your head? Like, what scares me is I genuinely do think Drew's gonna be like dementia ridden really early.

[Will]

No, I'm gonna remember.

[Drew]

Scared for the things you're gonna remember.

[Will]

Like you're only gonna remember the weirdest Cookie King, bruh.

[Kai]

How can I, as a 30 year old man get involved in this community?

[Will]

DM Zeta C E T A.

[Kai]

Well, speaking of looks, Maxine, you guys are both looking very good, very attractive. You guys both look like the bell of the ball.

[Drew]

Thank you.

[Kai]

You're welcome.

[Will]

And you look good.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Will]

And you look good.

[Drew]

You get a haircut.

[Kai]

Yeah, I get a haircut every month.

[Drew]

It looks good every time you get a haircut. I can tell.

[Kai]

Thank you.

[Will]

Thank you.

[Drew]

The craziest part about me reacting like that is there are some of y'all who had have had to like bear the bravery of explaining what this is to one of your friends. And that is probably exactly how they feel hearing about my.

[Will]

Well, they're cousins and they. I mean, no, that's really still so funny to me.

[Kai]

I never heard you make that sound before.

[Will]

I was also driving and you know that billboard by our apartment in you. No, like right on the corner over there. I was, swear to God, I was like imagining cuz it's a big ass billboard and I was like, oh, a good billboard would be like let cousins date or let cousins love. And it's just our pictures up there and that's the only. That's what all the billboard is every.

[Drew]

Time we're in the neighborhood or going to like, like the areas we like to go around here. Imagine somebody has seen that like right before they got there and sees us like holding hands. Because we really hold hands and grab each other. Like we're a couple of others. But my favorite thing.

[Will]

Oh, we've been straight maxing like crazy.

[Drew]

In a crazy way. Wait, what were we doing in Whole Foods when we scared that guy?

[Will]

I don't remember.

[Drew]

We Were like having a fake argument or I like said something to you. I was like, you need to leave me the alone.

[Will]

Oh, I don't remember what it was, but yeah, we fake argue in public and it scares the shit out of people. But like we fake argue and then like we like hug and fake kiss and like. Yeah, each other. Right? And it just looks like a chaotic, toxic relationship.

[Drew]

Like, wait, why do we like to cosplay as like crazy couple?

[Will]

I don't know.

[Drew]

Well, it's because I like, I love a crazy couple that's like not actually crazy, but just says crazy remarks to each other in public that will always get me in entertain me. And I just feel like I was born to entertain. So I like to lie.

[Will]

You're an entertaining darling or you're an. You're a star.

[Drew]

Yeah, entertaining.

[Will]

You're a star. Did that sound like old Hollywood?

[Kai]

I did. Yeah.

[Will]

You're a star darling.

[Kai]

Did you guys see that? A lot of people on the Internet think that I look like Elio. Elio from calling by your name.

[Drew]

No, you don't have to send me a picture. I know what you look.

[Kai]

Well, just look. So they drew this beautiful drawing and then the comment, the top comment says, that's Kai Newman guy.

[Will]

That does not mean you look. You look like the shitty drawing of Elio, I think.

[Drew]

No, they're saying, I mean, you took that with grace. I will say you took that like.

[Kai]

Being called a handsome movie star look alike.

[Will]

Yeah, being called Timothy Chalamet. What?

[Drew]

Like the, you know, the pigmentation drawing hyperpigmentation. That's Kai.

[Will]

Oh.

[Drew]

I want like a kid to draw an ugly portrait of me so I can see it and hold it. Why are you crying, bro? Oh my God.

[Kai]

Yeah, well, hey, I looked up, I looked down at my phone and then I looked back up and you're crying.

[Drew]

Why? It's. What? Just is it the tick tock ban?

[Will]

You're banning red dye 30? They're ready. They're banning red dye 3.

[Drew]

Wait, are they? Actually, they had the pentagon. Wait, did they. Did it go through 20?

[Will]

27? They're banning red dye three.

[Drew]

Oh my God, you have so much.

[Will]

This is my 9 11. This is my 9 11. They hit the Pentagon. Give me my red dye.

[Drew]

They hit the Pentagon.

[Will]

Yeah, they. They're taking Drew.

[Drew]

I would hope in two years your ass is not eating Red 40 anymore. Because you're gonna learn a lot of bad lesson. You're gonna learn a lot of scary life.

[Will]

My hemorrhoids. I don't have hemorrhoids. But I like to say I have hemorrhoids, but I'm, like, in a way, manifesting hemorrhoids, and I do not want him.

[Drew]

I've never had hem. And I've always, like, been convinced I do, but I didn't even know they existed until I met, like, my guy friends. And every guy I know has had a bunch of hemorrhoids. So now just.

[Will]

Have you had a hemorrhoid tendency?

[Drew]

Is.

[Kai]

I've never had one.

[Will]

But have you ever had a fisher?

[Drew]

Who hasn't had a fisher there, here or there?

[Will]

Like, I'm not.

[Kai]

No comment.

[Will]

Everyone's dropped a big load.

[Drew]

Everyone's dropped a huge load before.

[Kai]

Everyone has had.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Would you say a huge dry load?

[Will]

A huge stinky load?

[Drew]

No, a huge hard load.

[Kai]

A really painful thing is, like, when you're constipated and you have the big dry log and you push it out and it's like, it's very, like, how.

[Drew]

Do we end up talking about shit?

[Will]

I know. We need to shut the fuck up.

[Kai]

We need to talk about important stuff.

[Will]

Like the TikTok Ban, y'all. Bitch.

[Drew]

I. I don't believe it.

[Will]

See, I wrote all of the things I wanted to talk about, either.

[Kai]

I don't. I don't think it's going to happen.

[Will]

I wrote all the things I wanted to talk about. I genuinely. I don't believe it either. But if it does get banned, like, earth shattering, heartbreaking, fundamentally changing, like, like, we still exist in the wild, wild west of the Internet, even if it doesn't feel like it. And this sets a precedent where it's like, oh, my God, like, they can just take whatever the they want from us. And also, y'all, I. Everybody, I give a chance. You better hope I don't give you a second chance, because every single person I give a second chance squanders it. Mark Zuckerberg, count your days. You and Elon Musk are going to end up in the same place together. If I get my hands on y'all.

[Drew]

They're such, like, little dick ass hoes.

[Will]

Like, they just have, like, his stupid perm. Like, why are you perming your hair in your 40s?

[Drew]

They also both feel like they have, like, vaginal type fas. Does that make sense?

[Will]

Yeah. No, literally, they, like.

[Drew]

I just know, like, if you. If you got that fat, like Kuchima Bob, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I feel like they have that.

[Will]

They both have, like, concave chest or ex. Like, oh, dude, I don't know.

[Drew]

Hey, we want to take a break for one of today's sponsors, Quince. One of my New Year's resolutions is to get dressed every day, no matter what. And Quince has the perfect cozy Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at 50 freaking dollars, which is a steal for a cashmere sweater that is not only comfortable and chic enough to wear around the house and feel like I have a whole outfit on, but also if I need to run out and get more stinky food for my cat, I can do that. And I don't have to change into something more appropriate because I'm already lounging in luxury. I am a homebody by nature, but every now and then I sit around in my crusty pajamas and loungewear and I don't get dressed and I'm really.

[Will]

Heavy on the crust.

[Drew]

Oh. I'm really trying to make it a point this year to get dressed every day. And Quince makes the perfect cashmere sweaters starting at $50, which is such a nice price for such high quality materials. And they are the perfect sweaters to wear around the And I just feel dressed up and nice. And there are pieces of clothing I would wear out of the house because that is my New Year's resolution, to find pieces that are both comfortable and chic enough that I can step out if I need to run an errand. What if I need some more cat food to make my room stink? Upgrade your closet this year without the upgraded price tag. Go to keens.comintercom for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q U I n c e.com Intercom to get free shipping and a 365 day return. Return policy. Quince.com Intercom hey guys, we wanted to.

[Will]

Take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors, Shopify New Year, New me, New Year, New back end to your shopping platform, your business. Hello. Now is the perfect time to start a new business. Like, hello, start selling some stickers. Like, I really, I really think like my fallback plan, I've said this a million times, is like a stationary shop, like drawing my little characters and selling stickers. And Shopify is the perfect platform to help you get your art and product out into the world. Yeah.

[Drew]

If this year you want to dedicate yourself to some more discipline, maybe starting an online shop would be just the thing. And starting it right now at the top of the year would be awesome. So that at the end of the year you can look at all your stats and be like, Wow. I really did it. And I pulled through. And this time next year, it'll be a year of your business on Shopify.

[Will]

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[Drew]

Yes.

[Will]

Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.comintercom all lowercase. Go to shopify.comintercom to start selling with Shopify today. Shopify.comintercom Cha Ching.

[Drew]

They're just disgusting and ugly.

[Will]

Take that fucking gold chain off, you freak bitch. I don't give a fuck if it has sentimental value. Oh, look, my child gave it to me, you fucking pervert. Like, it's all his fault. He's a fucking perv. Like, literally, he's a perv.

[Drew]

They're fucking nasty, bro. I want so badly, I would pay any amount of money to have them both, like, put in Velcro suits and, like, launched on a machine onto a Target. And then everybody gets to throw, like, something at them.

[Will]

Yeah, I would throw bricks.

[Drew]

Tomato blocks. Bricks. Oh, I would throw. Okay, so here would be the order. We strap Elon and Mark Zuckerberg up to walls. We start with tomatoes. No, no, no. We start with water balloons that have, like, a bit of gelatin in the water. We start with that. It's going to be cold water, like jello shots. We start with that. Then we do cold, mushy tomatoes. Do that. Then we do balloons, like, but more so like condoms. Something that it can, like, snap if it's, like, overfilled. We fill it with powder, a powdered sugar. We throw that. We leave them outside overnight so they get covered in ants all night. And then in the morning, we come and we use a power hose that's made for taking mold off of concrete.

[Will]

And we just spray them down, spray their. Rip their first layer of skin off.

[Drew]

And they get to live. But that's just, like, punishment.

[Will]

I want to cover them in bees.

[Kai]

I. I think so I'm imagining we build, like, a big diving board and we put them at the top. And then there's this huge, like, body of liquid. And then I'm like, I. I walk into it. I'm like. I'm like, look, like all you're going to do is dive into this. And then they dive in. And then it's non Newtonian. So, like, since I walk through it very slowly. They say, dive in. And then when they hit it, it's basically just concrete and they explode.

[Will]

That is actually terminal velocity.

[Drew]

Wow. O.

[Will]

Everything I wrote that I wanted to talk about, about the TikTok ban has already been said a million times by now. And I wrote it all like three days ago. So whatever. I don't know why I'm saying this, but.

[Drew]

They hacked his neuralink. He's. He passed his. I love Elon Musk.

[Will]

No, it's like they're like, I love Elon Musk. No, the. The way that like, they thought like banning this app. Well, okay, let me back it up a little bit. China government, they thought they way. No, but China and I think all the in LA has really gotten to it. It's rotted our brains. China in America have worked very hard over the last 30, 50, 60, 80 decades to get us to hate each other. Like, they want us to hate each other. They don't want us united. They want us to hate each other through propaganda, whatever the it is in banning. Tick tock. They wanted us to like, be separated even further. They said it was a data issue, like, da da da da da. We all know why it's getting banned, but it's hilarious that in doing so they've like kind of united China and American people. Like, with this Red Note app, like the amount of like Americans on my.

[Drew]

Iphone right now learning Mandarin, I didn't know that many people could speak Mandarin. Isn't that like the hardest language to learn? Yeah, that some of y'all need to be careful because it's showing the tax bracket you grew up in because some of y'all are a little too young to know Mandarin. I'm saying that, like, people don't have free will and actual like academic access and duolingo exists, I guess.

[Kai]

I think China's cool. I. I want.

[Will]

I love China.

[Kai]

I really want a. A Yang Wang U9.

[Will]

It's like, oh, you've been talking about this.

[Kai]

Yeah, it's like an electric supercar that they built.

[Drew]

Oh, I do remember you talking about that. I just want to go to China cuz it sounds lit as like, it sounds pretty. I have friends who have gone and they all say it's pretty. And I want to go, oh my God, the next brand trip, like all that Turks and Caico. Who is taking me to China. But no, I actually can't believe so many people know Mandarin because I. I barely know Spanish anymore and it is so impressive and maybe I'm just jealous I'm jealous of people. What?

[Will]

I've been practicing Mandarin.

[Drew]

No, you haven't.

[Will]

I literally have, unironically.

[Drew]

Then fucking speak it. No. Give me your phone, because I feel like you're gonna, like, just look something up.

[Kai]

That sounded perfect.

[Drew]

Yeah. What did you say?

[Will]

I said, I can't remember all of it, but basically I said, I want to have sex.

[Drew]

Wait, how did you do that? Like, when did you learn that? I'm so confused.

[Will]

I've been learning Mandarin and Swahili.

[Drew]

Do you know Swahili?

[Will]

Yes.

[Drew]

Okay, prove it. Yeah, because I remember him trying to learn Swahili. He said that he was gonna learn it in a month, and he did duolingo for a week.

[Kai]

One of those things that he said that obviously he was never gonna follow through with.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Will]

God, y'all are so annoying. Like, y'all are so annoying.

[Drew]

Well, it's just.

[Will]

Did I try?

[Drew]

Okay. Also, like, if you're not actually speaking Mandarin, I hope you know that's, like, fucked up.

[Will]

Oh, wow. The liberals here. The liberals. Go again. You can't even speak a language. Okay, well, without getting canceled.

[Kai]

Let me try. Let me try.

[Will]

Oh, what'd you say?

[Kai]

I said that I'm just happy to be back, and I'm happy to see you guys.

[Drew]

I feel like that's not what you said.

[Kai]

Why are you not impressed when I. When I do it?

[Drew]

Well, because you're just, like, this. A guy with a phone who, like, uses it, and, like, I don't know, but that's hard.

[Kai]

It's hard to learn.

[Will]

Like, you're a guy with a phone with crypto.

[Drew]

Yeah. Literally, you just, like. I feel like you're on the Internet like, that. It's, like, not that shocking to me.

[Kai]

It's still impressive that I know languages.

[Drew]

You know what is really up about.

[Will]

Me when that was a good guy.

[Drew]

When random white guys know crazy, like, random languages, I don't find it impressive. I actually usually find it extreme. Extremely annoying. I'm like, oh, okay. I'm so sure.

[Will]

Wait, that one white guy that goes to, like, Chinatown and speaks Mandarin and everybody.

[Drew]

That, weirdly, is impressive because he's just. He's very polite.

[Will]

I love the reactions of the people, like, so much. And there's one where he's, like, getting, like, a pedicure or something, and they're, like, talking about his toes, and they're, like, nasty. Like, they're like, nasty, gross white people toes or whatever the they say. And then he clocks them and is, like, starts speaking the language.

[Drew]

Wait, what does he say back, I don't know.

[Will]

I don't remember.

[Drew]

He's like, you stupid bitch.

[Will]

No.

[Drew]

He kicks her in the head.

[Kai]

Oh, I hope not.

[Will]

No, I think he just says something in Mandarin, random. And then they're like, he can. He understands us.

[Drew]

We were the kind of people who. That is how the episode. That video ended. And we were just mentioning casually like, oh, it's a really funny video. You guys should go watch it. And then they went and watched it, and somebody got kicked in the face.

[Kai]

I.

[Drew]

The people who watch, like, a lot of violent videos really scare me. Me. And that's all I'll say. That is coming from somebody who watches murder documentaries. But there's one thing to watch, like a. Like a crime investigation or something, which I don't do as often anymore. I'm back out of the dark.

[Will]

Trade update. Trade update. Trade update. Read all about it. Read all about it. Wait, hold on. I'm E.T. i'm extra. I'm an alien. Read all about it. Read all about it. It's like the news. I'm E.T. i'm an alien. I'm extra.

[Drew]

I like. Okay. Actually, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I have to get this out. The thing that really actually annoys me about someone like Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg is if I had that kind of money and power, what I would really be doing is putting Ray Bans Snapchat glasses on a handful of people and watching their days and then paying somebody an absurd amount of money to do super cuts of those.

[Will]

Wait, I have a documentary, like, at.

[Drew]

Night and just watch their updated days.

[Will]

I have a documentary idea like this. Mine's way darker, and I don't want to get into it, but.

[Drew]

No, mine is fun.

[Will]

I told both of you all about it.

[Drew]

Mine is, like, fun, though. Like, I want, like, fun.

[Will]

Trade update. Trade update, y'all. The trade in question, not the phony, which I found out he had made a video talking about our taste being similar in men and that he wanted to see my Twitter. I don't have one, but he wanted to see my Twitter because Twitter is all porn. Yeah. To see if we have the same taste or that's. I'm assuming that's what he was saying, but he left a comment because I. I commented, like, my trade. Because he made a video, like, responding, and I was like, my trade. And he said something so funny. He was like, if Drew. No, if India. Yes.

[Drew]

Hey, come over. I have space in my bed for you.

[Will]

Yeah, but basically, I'll Give you the brief synopsis cuz it's all I talk about now. And everybody's so tired and bored of it, but I'm not.

[Drew]

I love it. It's. It's like watching sex in the city for the first time.

[Kai]

I don't like hearing about this. I think we should just move on.

[Drew]

You want a job or not?

[Will]

You're so jealous.

[Kai]

Not jealous. And just. You talk about a lot. It's like, okay, great. Like, he's awesome, he's handsome, whatever.

[Drew]

Drew's not going to hit you anymore.

[Will]

And you saw a picture of him too.

[Kai]

I want to see a picture. I haven't seen a picture.

[Will]

I'll show you.

[Drew]

He's a cutie patootie.

[Will]

But basically I had mourned the loss of him because I decided I'm not texting him first. I will never. I will literally rather never text him again than me have to text him first one more time. And granted, he has texted me first several times, but the last, like, three times we spoke, he didn't text me first. So I was like, you. Like, we're done. So I didn't message him. Two days go past and I was like, Like, I actually, like, I actually think he doesn't give a about me. Because if you're confused. What? He's not interested.

[Drew]

Yeah, where did you hear that? Because, like, I. I don't. Was that a TikTok necessarily?

[Will]

I literally don't know where I heard.

[Drew]

It, so it's not really good advice.

[Will]

No, I think it is. Because, like, literally, like, you. If you're confused, like, you should know if someone likes you off rip. But also, I give off this, like, weird, mysterious, creepy energy, and I think he's terrified of me.

[Drew]

Me.

[Will]

I'm like, literally creepy to him, bro. But.

[Drew]

You'Re saying it like you're texting him, like, what's the temperature?

[Will]

Well, no, I almost want to come in. I almost asked him if he watches true crime stories, but then I got in my head and I was like, wait, because we're watching the jinx. And I was like, oh, we can talk about the jinx. But then I was like, wait, Actually, I don't want to bring up true crime because, like, we don't know each other and it's weird if someone's like, I don't know. I just. I get it, dude.

[Kai]

You're overthinking.

[Drew]

He's been overthinking every step. I'm just watching somebody with, like, intense paranoia and anxiety and, like, trying to navigate a crush. But but also, we're just so opposite. And you. I say this all the time, but you can't ask me for advice because the way I text people who I like, like, I don't give a. What, are you just gonna not like me anymore? Okay, fine.

[Will]

We have to keep that in mind. This is my first crush, but I didn't text him. He didn't text me for like two days. And I was like, really sad. I was like, dude, I actually, like, don't think he gives a about me. He never cared about me. He just wanted my body. He doesn't give a about me. Well, he texted me back first, y'all. He asked me how I was doing because of the fires. He texted me back.

[Kai]

Has your crush grown since the last time?

[Will]

No, it's only shrunk. But it's shrinking. It's shrinking and shrinking, but it's gonna be like a black hole where eventually it shrinks and the matter falls upon itself and it explodes out. That's how I've been thinking about it.

[Kai]

Or.

[Will]

But I still do. The first thing I think about in the morning is him. And the last thing I think about.

[Kai]

Before going to bed is when celestial bodies collide. They create universes.

[Will]

I'm scared to have sex with him again after developing this crush because my penis is not gonna work.

[Drew]

Also, have you ever, like, had like, sex with somebody who you really had a crush on?

[Will]

No.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Will]

People who have had really big crushes on me have had sex with.

[Kai]

Wow.

[Drew]

Well, that was really bad. Also, that's a beast of its own. That must be like, so awesome. I don't think anybody I've had sex with liked me more than I liked them. I don't think anyone I've ever liked has liked me more than I like them.

[Will]

You? No, that's impossible. You have like 3,000 bodies you ran through.

[Drew]

Don't air me out like that. Also, I've gotten it down because in the 10 year gap, it goes down.

[Will]

So it's now at plus your body.

[Drew]

Sheds its 2,000, 648.

[Will]

All of the cells in your body replace themselves after seven years. So those bodies in the past seven years.

[Kai]

That's a really good point.

[Will]

They don't give. They don't count.

[Drew]

They don't give a fuck.

[Will]

Also don't give a fuck.

[Kai]

3,000 bodies. 3,000 bodies isn't that much.

[Drew]

It really is not.

[Kai]

Like, that's not bad.

[Will]

She's not going to bang you, bro.

[Kai]

Dude. No, I'm not saying that. I'm just Saying you're nervous, not blushing. I'm not nervous. I'm not blushing. What else would you crush? Dude, I'm not saying that. I was just.

[Will]

Right, right.

[Kai]

No, I just don't think that we should. Same body count.

[Drew]

Wait, what did you say? Recently, in an episode, you said something so stupid. Ah, that would be perfect for this moment. But I'm not gonna remember and I don't know why. I just interjected because I forgot.

[Will]

I hate when I do that too. So humiliate.

[Kai]

We should go silent until we figure it out.

[Drew]

Also, last night I have this hat on because last night when I was making myself a little snack, I flung hot sugar at my face. And look.

[Will]

Oh, it's bad.

[Drew]

It's bad.

[Will]

Oh, my God, she has third degree burns. Kai, come kiss.

[Drew]

It burned, like, all my skin off. And immediately it burned my skin off. And I did something so stupid because the sugar not only flung on my face, but it stayed there for a second because I had all this stuff in your tongulu.

[Will]

No, that tour that went crazy and useful. Tong. Hulu.

[Drew]

A tongue hulu.

[Will]

Wait, but I'm not done talking about my crush.

[Drew]

Yeah, no, get back to it.

[Will]

Actually, I am done.

[Drew]

Oh, really?

[Will]

Basically, I make him text me first now, and he does.

[Drew]

You know what it is, is you just haven't survived, like, a hay scenario.

[Will]

Like, the thing is, I haven't gotten through it.

[Drew]

Y'all need to keep in mind the hay scenario is the least of my worries in terms of embarrassing romantic endeavors. Like, I genuinely, from the beginning of.

[Will]

Being my God, I curved in you and friend zoned her so hard.

[Drew]

And you weren't. You weren't the first and you aren't going to be the last because, like, damn. Like. Because, like, the thing is, I am very aware that I'm like, a pretty girl. Whatever. I'm fond of. Interesting. I am batshit crazy. Like, that. Like, that I think everyone in my life can attest to. I am batshit crazy. My priorities are really not in any romantic person. So everybody who dates me has to.

[Will]

Look crazy right now too. Like, you're like, I'm batshit crazy.

[Drew]

No, I have been feeling, like, so insane the past three weeks. Like, so insane.

[Will]

A lot has been going on.

[Drew]

I wanna. I just. I really need to go to the middle of America and find, like, a derby car park thing. I'm driving the boat. I'm driving the derby car. I want to just crash a car car. Like, I want it to be a safe scenario, but, like, my body feels like it needs to just like blast a song of my choice and just.

[Will]

Like, my dream is to buy like a thousand dollar car and crash it.

[Drew]

No, but I want it to be like, safety modded out because I'm not gonna die like that. Come on. Like.

[Kai]

Oh, you want to be in it?

[Drew]

Yeah, no, I want.

[Will]

Yeah.

[Drew]

I'm saying I want to drive it, but I want it to be like, modded out that, like, there's foam cushioning all around me. So, like, at worst, I'll feel like a blow to my chest, you know.

[Kai]

I feel like one of the most cathartic things is, you know, people are like, I was in this insane crash and my car flipped over, but I'm fine. Yeah, that feels like a really cool experience to be. Okay.

[Will]

And it's like spinning like you're upside down. Yeah, Spinning on the roof of the car.

[Kai]

Ew.

[Drew]

I would really hate for somebody to find me upside down in the car.

[Will]

Like, your seat belt's not working.

[Drew]

Like, what do you mean? I'm just hanging upside down and I need like my seatbelt.

[Will]

You have like little cuts on your face me off.

[Drew]

And I have to be like. Like fall on my head.

[Will]

The jaws of life. Like, like, it's really so dramatic for nothing.

[Drew]

So humiliate.

[Will]

I mean, that was my New Year's resolution was to get in a car crash this year.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Will]

One of them was to get in a car crash, but not in like a deadly car crash.

[Drew]

The thing is, you can't say that, cuz you don't drive enough. I'm always driving when you're in a car, but I.

[Will]

No. Or even get hit by a car, like crossing the street.

[Kai]

But one time I was parked in San Francisco, I was with my friend and he was dropping me off, and then a car hit us at like 80 miles an hour. And we were parked on one of like the really steep hills in San Francisco. And the car flipped over, it hit us and then it shot down the hill and it flipped over.

[Will]

Y'all like, walking? Y'all were walking?

[Kai]

We were in the car.

[Will]

Oh.

[Kai]

But it smashed into our car and then it flipped. Rolled down the hill. And then the guy just got out and said, I ran up to him to like, get a photo of the thing and I was like, are you good? And he was like, I just need to go to sleep. Like, I just don't want my boss to find out about this. It was so sleep.

[Will]

Or did the hospital come?

[Kai]

So I was like, okay, wait here. Yeah, no, the hospital came. No, I was in front of my house at the time, and I went inside to get water with my friend that was parked with me and we were.

[Will]

You lived in San Francisco.

[Kai]

I know.

[Will]

That's.

[Kai]

I was there for like a year. Okay, that. First of all, homophobic.

[Will]

No, no. I mean, it's literally. It's literally gay.

[Drew]

You're gay.

[Kai]

I didn't even think about in like.

[Drew]

Theory, you are the homophobic one because. Why are you so offended at being.

[Kai]

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna think about it.

[Will]

You'll just have to kiss me later. You'll just have to kiss me.

[Drew]

Okay, wait.

[Will]

Sorry. Keep going.

[Kai]

Whatever. Manipulative. Okay. We went inside to drink water. Then when we came back out, the guy drove the car off. Off. No, when we were inside, we were drinking water. We were going to, like, come back out, cuz I don't know. We were just like, let's just go inside for a second. And then when we were inside, we heard the car start and it, like, drove off and.

[Drew]

What?

[Kai]

I don't know. I mean, I have a. I. I ended up like, reporting it and we got like, physical therapy out of it, but it was like some weird thing. I ended up being this guy who worked for, like, this rich tech person and would like. This was like the seventh time it had happened.

[Will]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Where he was like his assistant. He would, like, do Xanax and drive.

[Will]

And it was his. His boss's car. Or his.

[Kai]

It was his boss's car.

[Drew]

Oh, hell no.

[Will]

I would be like, I want to go to sleep, too. Let me go to sleep for a long while. I want to be in a coma, please. Have y'all seen that video?

[Drew]

Wait, that just reminded me of when you and Orion took my car. And Orion had already gotten into a car accident in my car. And then I let them. Them take it to San Francisco and they thought they got hit and they were talking about if they brought my car back, and it was like Flintstones.

[Will]

I literally was sobbing, crying. I don't. I've never laughed that hard in my life. And I truly. It wasn't that funny.

[Drew]

No. Well, also the imagery of, like, me standing on the front porch and y'all coming up in the car and the wheel is like.

[Will]

Yeah.

[Kai]

What was the thing that happened with Orion's car where there was like, that security photo? I forget what it was.

[Will]

We haven't. I've always asked Orion for it, but she'll never send it to me.

[Drew]

Ok, we should, like, save onto that story because we want to have Orion on again, so we'll tell that story because that shit is so.

[Will]

Just look out. Me and Orion got in a car crash. And it's quite literally the funniest security cam footage of all of them.

[Drew]

It literally feels like the silent films that cut it and they're like, but why that? It's them running around.

[Will]

It's so fucking funny. But.

[Kai]

Oh, that's awkward.

[Will]

I was going to say, have y'all seen that video of that truck that gets in the tornado and it flips and rolls over? And all that recent one, it happened, like, probably five years ago.

[Drew]

I need to see it.

[Will]

But it gets hit by a tornado, it rolls a bunch and then just drives away. It's like the greatest ad I'd be honestly lit.

[Drew]

Like, if I got rolled around by a tornado, but my car and I was fine. Like, yes, I would drive away. Actually, no. Could I make any money off of that situation if I stay? Okay. Back to the wild weather out of Texas following a tornado outbreak, folks. This is video you're looking at from Elgin, just east of Austin. Watch as a twister lifts a pickup off the ground, spinning it around and then landing it back on its wheels. Take another look. Okay. If that's not enough, the driver continues down the road as if nothing even you wanting to driving on.

[Will]

It didn't even show it driving off.

[Drew]

I mean, I believe it. I believe you, Drew.

[Will]

I believe you pisses me off. But it was a Texas teen and he got $15,000.

[Drew]

Oh, okay. Then I. Yeah, I would say good.

[Kai]

To know who pays the money for the tour.

[Will]

I think it was like the state. I think it was the car company because they, like. It was like the greatest ad for them ever. Cause like, their heart can get hit by him.

[Drew]

15K now. It's not a good option.

[Will]

True.

[Drew]

I want more. I could have died.

[Will]

Because that's at least like a $3 million budget commercial.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Will]

So they saved $3 million.

[Drew]

That's how they save so much money on editors. We're so done with New Year, New you. This year it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Geminis because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble Hablas Espanol Spries to deutsch Comm de nosc. If you've heard that sound from Babbel before, I bet you do. Babbel is the science backed language learning app that actually works with quick 10 minute lessons. Handcrafted by over 200 language experts. Babbel gets you on your way to speaking a new language in just a few weeks. With over 16 million subscriptions sold and a 20 day money back guarantee. Just start speaking another language with Babbel right now. Up to 55 off your Babel subscription at babbel.com Spotify podcast spelled B A B-B-E-L.com Spotify podcast rules and restrictions may apply.

[Will]

Speaking of cars. Yeah, Literally because Ellen. Ellen DeGeneres saves so much money on editors because. Or saves so much money because she hires.

[Drew]

She. She does all the editing for the show herself.

[Will]

But oh, you know that like hoodie that Ellen and Jay Z wear that has like the Basquiat painting on it. I think it's off white and all of like the conspiracy freakazoids like talk about it. Like it's like if you know this symbol like and what it means, you would be shocked. Then it's like just pictures of Ellen and other celebrities wearing that hoodie. I want it so bad.

[Drew]

I actually don't know what hoodie you're talking about.

[Will]

It's just like a Basquiat painting. Like Basquiat like estate collab with off white. And there's like this little creepy Basquiat painting right here.

[Drew]

Oh, maybe I have seen and it looked.

[Will]

It does look kind of demonic. But something that's legitimately been pissing me the off recently. Like actually driving me insane is why the are the speed limits 50 miles per hour but my car can go 150 miles per hour. Like literally. What is the point of making my car go that fast or making the speed limits that low if my car can go that fast?

[Drew]

Yeah, I don't really understand it either. Also that. But that's why I don't understand people who want sports cars that go. Like why would I ever need my.

[Will]

Car to go 300 miles per hour? Like, okay, so I can drive in the salt flats. Like, like cool. That's so fun.

[Drew]

Do you need a car that fast to drive in the salt flats?

[Will]

No, but you can drive that fast in the salt flats. That's where they set all the world records for land speed.

[Drew]

I can't believe that's like a thing that gets.

[Will]

It's really cool. There's this really awesome documentary about like.

[Drew]

A motorcycle Is it dangerous to drive that fast even on like flat area though?

[Will]

Yeah. I feel like there could be like a. Because in the salt flats there's like little pockets where the water like erodes the salt away and then it gets covered. Yeah, exactly.

[Kai]

And you don't explode.

[Will]

Yeah. You're. If you're going 300 miles and you.

[Kai]

Hit that, it's like not in a Yang Wang.

[Will]

Yang Wang.

[Drew]

That is insane. Also Yang Wang literally sounds like the name of like a beauty influencer. Like it sounds like a guy who does his makeup. Yeah.

[Will]

Like RCL beauty.

[Kai]

Feel like cars can go that fast? Because I've always in my head rationalized of like if you are in an emergency situation and you have to like drive really fast around. I. I don't know.

[Drew]

I'm like for me emergency situation is like when we pulled up today to film the episode I saw Kai and I felt like I had to put my car.

[Will]

Oh, speaking of emergency Situ. Wan.

[Drew]

Situ. Wait.

[Will]

I was perving on me when I was in my car.

[Kai]

I was just filming you.

[Will]

I had. Look. Look at this creepy ass video.

[Kai]

Creepy.

[Will]

He's a little creepy. All.

[Kai]

I was just filming you.

[Drew]

We become obsessed with saying all. Ew. Why are you breathing so hard?

[Will]

Jawline look good in this.

[Kai]

I'm just filming him.

[Drew]

Why were you filming.

[Will]

I'm so ugly when I'm to add it to the.

[Kai]

To the database of videos that I have of you guys. Cuz you guys just look so cute when you don't know that someone's filming you. And I just. I want you guys to see what. What the world sees.

[Drew]

I never want to see what the world sees. Actually I decided like I think I'm going to get rid of all my mirrors and get rid of my phone and move to the woods and die.

[Will]

Okay, we are back. Wait, I'm gonna take an off guard photo of Kai. There we go. Got it. This is actually so good.

[Kai]

Really? Let me see.

[Drew]

Yes. You look so cute. Let me see.

[Kai]

That's not.

[Drew]

Dude, that's actually. That is weirdly enough the lighting your backlit but like that photo.

[Kai]

Can I see it again?

[Drew]

Cuz I feel like the lighting was really good. Even though it's backlit. I was. It's one of the most photos like photographs I've ever seen.

[Will]

I know. I'm like Loki a photographer. I can capture someone's essence perfectly.

[Drew]

Photographers in the 80s who just. They're like snap. That's real life. This is real life.

[Kai]

Really? No posing that you're saying I actually look Good, cuz I'll put it on. On my mane.

[Drew]

Yeah, you should.

[Will]

You should. Main feed this. This is a good photo of you.

[Kai]

And you guys aren't with me.

[Drew]

No. You look so moisturized. And your teeth are really white.

[Will]

Really white teeth.

[Drew]

You got that Zak smile.

[Kai]

Honestly, I trust you guys. I trust you guys. I don't. I don't TR own image of myself, so I trust you're beautiful. Okay, then send me that.

[Drew]

Well, we've been saying.

[Will]

Wait, y'all, this is so funny. Before I got. I. Before I wrote the trade update, I took a note saying I've been rejected. So dramatic. I didn't know it was possible.

[Drew]

I would love to read your journals right now.

[Will]

They're gnarly. Like, they're so psychopathic. Like, they're really intense.

[Drew]

Well, my car story. Have I told the story about me crashing the car when I was 15?

[Will]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the hit and run.

[Drew]

Yeah, the hit and run. The Starbucks hit and run.

[Will]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Oh, that one isn't that funny. But I'll tell that one a different time if actually people want to hear it, because it is a funny story. But the one I was just thinking of is one time when we were driving home from school, me and my whole family were in the car or we were driving to school because it was like 7am and this tiny, like Toyota Camry, it was a gold color, just like ran through a red light and t bone somebody who was right in front of us. And I am not kidding, 12 high schoolers jumped out of the car. And it felt like I was actually watching a clown car because it was a tiny like 1996 Camry. And 12 big ass teenagers got out and ran all different directions. And it turned out that it was a bunch of 8th graders from my school who had taken their mom's car to school. And they were like, just listening to a bunch of music. And this kid had gone around and picked up all his friends and were like all laughing, like, dude, just get in.

[Will]

Just get in. We can all fit.

[Drew]

And they were all in there, like laying on top of each other. And they weren't paying attention because they were too busy just like laughing. They hit this car. Nobody got injured, but all of them ran out. And just the one kid who I knew, who I went to YMCA with was Stan, left standing at the car. And I just like. We looked at my dad was like, oh, my God, these kids are crazy. And we were like, yeah, they're so crazy. But they were like all of our.

[Will]

Friends they're free, too. Too. Have I told you my car crash story? Well, I have two. So one of them, I was getting Slurpees from Racetrack and we were re. We.

[Drew]

That's your first problem, is getting Slurpees from Racetrack?

[Will]

We would go to the YMCA and then we'd. It was like across the street. Then we would drive. My friend's dad would drive us across the street and we were drinking Slurpees and we had small cups of Slurpees, but they had really long straws in them because they only had long straws. And we were both sipping our Slurpees as we were rear ended and we both deep throated our Slurpee straws and cut the back of our throats like.

[Drew]

Wait. Also, I just remembered another car crash story, which was a very, very sure sign of me from a young age having ocd. But the first car accident I remember being in, I had. It was my first day of second grade. My mom picked me up. I was in the front seat. I didn't put a seatbelt on. And I was talking mad about my new teacher because I thought she a. And her name was like Ms. Adams or some. And she was a. It was literally like she was evil version of Mrs. Frizzle from that one show. But, like, now looking back, she was very cute because there were times where she was very nice. But the first day of school, I was talking mad about her. And then we got into a car crash. And since I didn't have my seat belt on, I shot into, like, the foot space because I was a tiny person and I shot into the foot space. I twisted my ankle and I was. Was. I never talked about her for the rest of the year, even though she was so mean to me. I was convinced that talking about her made my mom crash the car karma. So I was like, I can't talk bad about her anymore because she's like a witch or something.

[Will]

The last cars crash story I'll tell is I was driving in Granbury and we were going down, you know, the big road by like, like, you know, H e B is here where I worked is here. We were going down that road and there were like, no, I'm not even gonna tell it. Okay, I'm gonna tell it.

[Drew]

We don't deserve it.

[Will]

No, y'all don't get it. Y'all will never understand it. No, I was just gonna lie and say, hit a bunch of bikers. But I was like, honestly, that's not funny. But the last thing so Annoying I'll bring up. And this was diabolical. This was. Y'all are evil for doing this to me. But I saw the video and it was like, when they're an ugly type of hot. And it was like, this girl like. Like, when they're an ugly type of hot. I got tagged in that 30 plus times, and there was a comment saying, oh, this is Drew Phillips that had 3, 000 likes. An ugly type of hot.

[Drew]

That is mean.

[Will]

You are not an ugly, ugly type of hot.

[Drew]

You are not ugly hot. Like, I think you are just hot.

[Kai]

You are.

[Will]

I'll take the hot you want.

[Kai]

Honestly, aren't.

[Drew]

Yeah, drop the ugly.

[Kai]

You're just purely hot.

[Drew]

Well, I need to find this screenshot because I saw something like that of me recently that made me crack d up. Oh. It was like going into the new year with an annual human or mindset, and it was like a slideshow of a bunch of really, really cute pictures and, like, just my vibe, like, aesthetically. And then the top comment was, isn't she, like, super sad?

[Will]

Yup. Yup.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Will]

Not anymore. It's 2025.

[Drew]

Exactly.

[Will]

I'm so happy and you're so happy. Actually, you have been really happy recently. I have been, like, the last week. There was a rough two weeks when we got back.

[Kai]

Have you been happy the last week?

[Drew]

No, actually.

[Kai]

Oh, well, I was gonna say I've also been happy, so I've been making ends meet.

[Will]

Why are you bragging?

[Kai]

Not bragging. I'm usually sad. I'm usually horrible.

[Will]

When we're sad, you have to be sa can. And when we're happy, you have to be sad.

[Kai]

What?

[Drew]

You need to stay sad, dude.

[Will]

I love hearing that, though, Kai.

[Kai]

Cuz I felt so good out here at peace.

[Drew]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Kai]

Yeah, it felt good.

[Will]

You were in. I mean, you've been going back and seeing your family a lot. What if that's, like, the key?

[Kai]

It might be.

[Drew]

It really is.

[Kai]

I'm not kidding.

[Drew]

I think, like, removing yourself from, like.

[Kai]

High social, helping your parents with stuff is, like.

[Will]

So it's what we were meant to do.

[Kai]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Will]

It was truly. We were supposed to be, like, in the villages, like, helping our parents build the mud huts.

[Kai]

I feel like. Yeah. When I was younger, I would go visit my family and I would just regress and that that was my activity. But now I just. I go back and I help them do chores and stuff.

[Will]

Love. That is so cute. I don't have a drew scop today, but I have a monologue.

[Drew]

I If this is what I think it is, I'm going to walk away while you do it.

[Will]

All right? All right. No lube, no protection. All night, all day. From the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining room table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony. Vertically, horizontally, quadratically exponential, fuck, Exponently logarithmic. While I gasp for air, scream until I see the light. Missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down. On the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair being carried against the wall outside in a train, on a plane, in the car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline in a bounce house, in the pool, bent over in the basement against the window, have the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick throbbing, fist clenching, ear ringing, mouth drooling, ass clinching, nose sniffing, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking sheets gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling, teeth jitterbug, mind boggling, soul snatching over stimulating, vile, sloppy moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly lip biting, lip biting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone wrecking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable Body numbing, back worthing, can't walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, don't cough. Sorry. Soul evaporating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling sheets removing, eye widening, popping nails, nail scratching, back cuts spectacular, brain cell dissolving, hair ripping, slow, show stopping. Magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal mouth, mouth foaming, heavenly, awaking, devoning. Devin's devil's tattoo. That was a Freudian slip. Hi, Devin. Devil's tango. He could not put a nuclear bomb inside of me and I'd still ride it. Or he could put a nuclear bomb inside of me and I'd still write it. And I would give this man the sloppiest, wettest, creamiest soul taking, slimy, life changing, death defying, heaven sent, Flabbergasting, hypnotizing, ungodly head.

[Kai]

That is sexy. That was a very sexy poem that.

[Drew]

Felt like when you and your friends go to a new restaurant and the waitress asks if y'all have been there before and some fucking idiot at the table decides to admit you haven't been there before so now you have to hear the whole spiel. That's what it felt like. It felt like I was being held.

[Will]

On the soup Menu by the hostess. What is the soup menu? Also, I have to give what's on the soup menu today.

[Drew]

And they name what is the special of the day. Drew is the kind of motherfucker.

[Will]

I do do that. I do do that. But I have to give credit where credit is due. That was from.

[Kai]

Oh, I thought you were writing sex poetry.

[Will]

No, no, no, no.

[Kai]

I was gonna say, because I've. I've actually been writing some sex sexy poetry as well.

[Will]

Read some.

[Kai]

This one's called Clever Girl. I feel like a cursed time traveler. One that can only move forward in time. My addiction to the arts rivaled only by my addiction to beautiful women. What does a night out with a guy like me look like? I take you to a restaurant. I wine and dine you and shower you with sexy compliments. I take you back to my apartment and impress you with my sexy furniture. I make you laugh until you squirt. And best of all, we make love in the morning. I make you breakfast and you beg me for more sex. A bachelor tethered only to his cock up.

[Drew]

What is this?

[Kai]

It's poetry I've been working on. A coffee in a hip downtown cafe overlooking the sidewalk. I indulge in a cigarette. Sue me. May you find me guilty.

[Drew]

What the. Are you like.

[Kai]

You find it?

[Drew]

Do you write this? Where is this from? God.

[Kai]

You find it relaxing to be around me, even when I'm giving you little kisses and nibbles? I'm almost done. The sun sets. The sun sets on a brazen New York City skyline. Your body quenches my thirst. A sexual oasis. I lap at it. You introduce me to your friends. They are offended by my candor.

[Will]

So it ends there.

[Kai]

That's it. It's. Yeah.

[Drew]

Did you write that?

[Will]

Kai, that was beautiful.

[Kai]

When I was in New York, me and my friends were, like. We were trying to write, like, the most, like, disgusting, like, straight guy poetry.

[Drew]

We kid, that was awful. That was really bad.

[Will]

That's your milk and honey.

[Kai]

But, yeah, I'll just keep working on that. I'm gonna keep working on that.

[Will]

Yeah, no, I think write a couple more and we'll bring one every episode so Anya can hear it every time.

[Drew]

Okay. No, no.

[Kai]

And we'll make them longer, too.

[Will]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Drew]

I'm gonna kill myself tonight.

[Will]

Okay. Drew's high up corner. I'm always intrigued by close friends stories. Who's not allowed to see you grilling zucchini?

[Drew]

Dude? That's how I feel about Zamar's close friend. He'll be like ice cream. Like, what? Who. Who can't know you're having a sweet treat right now?

[Will]

Why is six gagged?

[Drew]

Why?

[Will]

Because 78.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Will]

That was at Shea Ports. On Twitter. Y'all merge perfectly at Chick Fil A, but. Y'all merge perfectly at Chick Fil? A, but why not on the i45?

[Drew]

That's really good.

[Will]

That was from Cassidy Jane, and that's all y'all get.

[Drew]

Well, my media of the week is still Just Walk a Thin Line by Fleetwood Mac. Because, I don't know, I just feel like that song and that's all I've been listening to on repeat.

[Will]

My media of the week is the Dark Tower one in the Dark Tower series by Stephen Hawking or Stephen King, because my crush really likes it, and so I started listening to it.

[Drew]

That's cute. Aww.

[Will]

But no, for real, my media is. I might break, But I Won't by Thrillium Angels Mori mori. That's all y'all get. And then I've been only listening to the Challenger soundtrack. It's been the score to my life the last three weeks. It's been the soundtrack to my life. So tap in. And then anything. Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross. I started listening to the Social Network soundtrack because every once in a while, like, if I have an album I really, really love love, I, like, have to withdraw from it because I'm, like, too, like, dependent on it. And I'm also, like, starting to desensitize. Yeah. So I, like, take, like, a tolerance break from it. And. Oh, my God, the Social Network soundtrack is so good, y'all. And I'm back on that. I'm back on that. Good. And my media. Well, Kai, do you have a single song you would like to tell people?

[Kai]

Movie. Movie Media. The Before Sun. Before Sunset.

[Will]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

I had never seen them.

[Will]

Really?

[Kai]

I'd never seen them. They're so good.

[Will]

We've talked about you not seeing them before. They're so fucking lit.

[Kai]

So crazy. And actually, in the first one, was.

[Will]

That one car way. No, no, no, no, no.

[Kai]

It's pictured. Link later.

[Will]

Yeah, link later.

[Kai]

But in the first one, the guy is like, I have this idea for a TV show where we just follow people's lives. Like, what you guys are talking about.

[Will]

Hey, before sunset.

[Kai]

Yeah, before sunset.

[Will]

Are there two or three?

[Kai]

There's three. And they're 10 years apart every time.

[Will]

Were they. Do you know if they were made, like. Like, years apart or.

[Kai]

Yeah, they were made over the course of 30 years with the same actors.

[Will]

So lit.

[Kai]

It's it's really cool.

[Will]

So goaded, but okay. Well, thanks for listening to this episode of Emergency Intercom. This is the last episode to come. What?

[Drew]

Bye.