we fired ky

Summary

Emergency Intercom Episode Summary: "We Fired Ky"

Release Date: January 17, 2025
Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips
Episode Title: We Fired Ky

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I. Episode Overview

In this episode of Emergency Intercom, hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips navigate through a mix of scripted drama, improv comedy, and casual banter. The central storyline revolves around the dramatic decision to fire one of their team members, Kai Newman. Throughout the episode, listeners are treated to a rollercoaster of emotions, humorous misunderstandings, and lighthearted conversations about everyday mishaps and personal anecdotes.

II. The Firing of Kai

The episode kicks off with an unexpected confession from Drew Phillips at [02:03], revealing tension within the team:

Drew Phillips [02:03]: "So there's been a part of us missing for the last six weeks or something like that. And we thought like we might just let it go and no one will notice, but Kai holds a big spot in all of our hearts. This is about Kai. But yeah, we decided to go separate ways. We fired Kai."

As the conversation unfolds, Kai Newman responds defensively, creating a heated exchange that adds drama and humor to the episode:

Kai Newman [02:43]: "You fired him because you found out he went hooked up with somebody else even though you like said okay..."

Drew Phillips [03:05]: "So now I'm gonna have to fire you."

The tension builds until it’s revealed that this entire confrontation was an improvisational sketch:

Drew Phillips [04:47]: "Getting work done. All right, guys. And scene. Kai's not fired."

Unknown (Enya) [04:51]: "That was improv. That was all funny improv."

III. Improv Reveal and Team Dynamics

After the dramatic reveal, the hosts lighten the mood by discussing Kai’s absence humorously:

Drew Phillips [04:54]: "He's just been traveling the world."

Kai Newman [04:57]: "Yeah. He's been too cool for us, so..."

The segment showcases the camaraderie and playful teasing between the hosts, setting the tone for the rest of the episode.

IV. Social Interactions and Humorous Anecdotes

The conversation seamlessly transitions into various topics, including social interactions and personal stories:

Trader Joe’s Technique:

Drew Phillips [06:01]: "No, I think they're just like, trained to be nice. And like, we live, we're existing in like a loneliness epidemic..."

Unknown (Enya) [06:15]: "I heard something that was like, Trader Joe's business model is they're trying to commodify the small town grocery store..."

Flirting and Miscommunications:

Kai Newman [07:58]: "Yeah, you should slap him or something."

Drew Phillips [09:37]: "It's really gnarly. Like, you said, like, inches, and I was like, oh, inches, penis."

These segments highlight the hosts' knack for blending relatable humor with exaggerated scenarios, keeping listeners entertained and engaged.

V. Car Crash Stories Segment

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to sharing amusing and dramatic car crash stories:

Personal Crashes:

Unknown (Enya) [36:35]: "We were in the car, and a guy drove off after hitting us."

Kai Newman [38:16]: "I want so badly I would pay any amount of money to have them both, like, put in velcro suits and launched on a machine onto a target."

Drew’s Intimate Crush:

Drew Phillips [30:12]: "This is my first crush. We have to keep that in mind."

Kai Newman [30:35]: "He's been overthinking every step. I'm just watching somebody with, like, intense paranoia and anxiety and, like, trying to navigate a crush."

These stories not only provide comedic relief but also offer a glimpse into the hosts' personal lives, fostering a deeper connection with the audience.

VI. Language and Media Discussions

The hosts delve into topics beyond personal stories, including language learning and media preferences:

Language Learning:

Drew Phillips [11:06]: "I was tapped into the looks maxing culture because I just thought it was literally the most deranged, funny thing I've ever seen in my life."

Unknown (Enya) [25:47]: "I've been writing some sexy poetry as well."

Media Recommendations:

Kai Newman [58:24]: "My media of the week is still Just Walk a Thin Line by Fleetwood Mac."

Drew Phillips [58:56]: "My media is the Challenger soundtrack. It's been the score to my life the last three weeks."

These discussions are interspersed with humorous takes and personal endorsements, adding variety to the episode's content.

VII. Closing Remarks and Final Banter

As the episode winds down, the hosts continue their playful exchange, reflecting on past stories and teasing future content:

Kai Newman [50:19]: "You are not ugly hot. Like, I think you are just hot."

Drew Phillips [57:44]: "This is my first crush. We have to keep that in mind."

The closing moments maintain the episode’s lighthearted tone, leaving listeners anticipating future episodes filled with more laughs and relatable conversations.

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Notable Quotes:

• Drew Phillips [02:03]: "We decided to go separate ways. We fired Kai."
• Unknown (Enya) [04:51]: "That was improv. That was all funny improv."
• Drew Phillips [09:37]: "It's really gnarly. Like, you said, like, inches, and I was like, oh, inches, penis."
• Kai Newman [35:03]: "I just want to drive the derby car. I want to just crash a car."
• Unknown (Enya) [55:08]: "That is sexy. That was a very sexy poem."

Conclusion

"We Fired Ky" is a dynamic episode that masterfully blends scripted drama with spontaneous humor and authentic conversations. Enya and Drew's chemistry shines through as they tackle a wide array of topics, ensuring that both regular listeners and newcomers find something to enjoy. Whether it's through dramatic skits, personal anecdotes, or witty exchanges, this episode exemplifies the comedic charm and engaging storytelling that Emergency Intercom is known for.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Drew Phillips]

You ever try fixing your car and.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Realize you're missing that one part?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, been there. That's why ebay is my go to. They've got millions of parts guaranteed to fit.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm talking brake pads for when yours.

[Drew Phillips]

Have seen one too many miles of.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Stop and go oil filters cuz you.

[Drew Phillips]

Don'T mess around with your engine care. Even got this cold air intake on my watch list.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I might just go for it to.

[Drew Phillips]

Keep the ride cool and your DIY streak hot.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Find all the parts you need at prices you love.

[Drew Phillips]

Guaranteed to fit every time. Ebay things people love. Eligible items only.

[Kai Newman]

Exclusion supply I've never felt like this before. It's like you just get me. I feel like my true self with you. Does that sound crazy? And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous? Okay, that's it. I'm taking you home with me. I mean, you can't find shoes this good just anywhere. Find a shoe for every you from brands you love, like Birkenstock, Nike, Adidas and more at your dsw store or dsw.com hi. Oh my God, it's Friday. It's the correct day for uploading. Drew, we said we weren't going to talk about that on camera.

[Drew Phillips]

This. No, it needs to be addressed. So there's been a part of us missing for the last six weeks or something like that. And we thought like we, we might just let it go and no one will notice, but. But Kai holds a big spot in all of our hearts. This is about Kai. But yeah, but yeah, we. We decided to go separate ways. We fired Kai. I know this is like a horrible, like horrible timing for this to come out, but like, yeah, Kai is gone. He's out of the picture.

[Kai Newman]

You fired him because you found out he went hooked up with somebody else even though you like said okay and.

[Drew Phillips]

We don't have HR and like what? Like, like what? Literally like what?

[Kai Newman]

I told you guys, you guys shouldn't have been like romantically inclined if you were gonna work Together. I said that, like, from the beginning.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, once you do us with someone, you're spiritually connected.

[Kai Newman]

That's not true, because we have no connection.

[Drew Phillips]

So now I'm gonna have to fire you.

[Kai Newman]

You can't fire me from the.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm firing.

[Kai Newman]

Also, Kai isn't fired. He's, like, in the hallway. I'm pretty sure. Kai, you didn't fire him. You just said he can't be in the room anymore.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, he has the bathroom.

[Unknown]

Where are you guys?

[Drew Phillips]

We were saying you're fine.

[Kai Newman]

Well, he's been trying to fire you.

[Unknown]

Why?

[Drew Phillips]

Because you're, like, hooking up with people and you're blowing vape smoke in my face.

[Kai Newman]

I know. He did just walk into the kitchen and blow a vape smoke at Drew.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Should we start the episode? What were you guys talking about when I was in the bathroom?

[Drew Phillips]

No, we were saying, like, you're gone. You're out of here. You're out of the picture.

[Unknown]

Are you, like, flirting with me? Is this, like.

[Drew Phillips]

No.

[Kai Newman]

No. It's been, like, a huge decision we've been thinking about mainly Drew.

[Drew Phillips]

We've been talking about this for a very long time. I thought you were already gone, but apparently you want to hook up with other hoes.

[Unknown]

Oh, is this about when you sat me down and said, since you're fucking, like, hundreds of other people, I can't work on the pod? I thought that was a joke.

[Drew Phillips]

No, I was.

[Kai Newman]

Okay, let's clear. Wait, who was hundreds of people? Drew or you? Because, girl, let's be honest.

[Drew Phillips]

Kai was.

[Unknown]

He was doing what you do. I was doing what you do.

[Drew Phillips]

It's getting different.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, you can never do what the master does.

[Drew Phillips]

It's different.

[Kai Newman]

He's a master of his craft.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Like, I'm ran through, but I still look put together. You're ran through, and look.

[Unknown]

You're ran through, and you don't look put together. I'm ran through, and I look perfect.

[Kai Newman]

You're falling apart from all the. All the insertions you've had. I'm having a lot of work done. We need to say that about people who are hooking up, like, low key. You are getting a lot of work done. You're getting a lot of work.

[Drew Phillips]

Getting work done. All right, guys. And scene. Kai's not fired.

[Unknown]

That was improv. That was all funny improv.

[Drew Phillips]

He's just been traveling the world.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. He's been too cool for us, so.

[Unknown]

No, that's not true. You guys are my priority.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. Oh, that's what you say? Yeah.

[Unknown]

No, you Guys are my priority.

[Kai Newman]

Hey.

[Unknown]

Yep.

[Drew Phillips]

Yes. Not. Yup, yes.

[Unknown]

But I just. I do want to say.

[Drew Phillips]

You said yep. You say yes.

[Unknown]

Yes. Papas and mama.

[Kai Newman]

Queen.

[Unknown]

Queen.

[Drew Phillips]

Yes. Queen and yes, daddy. Yes. No. Yeah. Say, Kai, can you say good boy?

[Kai Newman]

Ew, okay, no, just finish your pocket sentence.

[Drew Phillips]

Good boy, good boy, good boy.

[Unknown]

Wow, so much. I've missed so much stuff. I saw Baby Girl and I've been saying that to people when I check out at groceries. I'll be like, good girl.

[Kai Newman]

You shouldn't be saying that to random, like, stranger Joe's.

[Drew Phillips]

It's Trader Joe's.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, they do.

[Unknown]

Yeah, they say it to me first. They say to me first.

[Kai Newman]

They're all sluts anyway, like, when did that start? When did the, like, Trader Joe to whore pipeline start? Like, when did that become, like, a theory?

[Drew Phillips]

Don't know.

[Kai Newman]

Is it just because all their workers are, like, sexy?

[Drew Phillips]

No, I think they're just like, trained to be nice. And like, we live, we're existing in like a loneliness epidemic. Not just men, but women too. And like, when someone's nice to you, it's like, oh, wait, like, they want to have sex. They want me. But I fall for that every time.

[Unknown]

I heard something that was like, Trader Joe's business model is they're trying to commodify the small town grocery store. So like, their aesthetic is like, not super, like, it's not branded like a cvs. And then they train people to treat patrons.

[Drew Phillips]

A Southern Bell.

[Unknown]

Basically. Yes, yes. It's the Southern belle technique that actually.

[Drew Phillips]

Is interesting because when I go to the grocery stores in Granbury, they're all like, chit chatting, want to have a conversation, and I'm like, leave me the fuck alone.

[Kai Newman]

I know, I will say. Yesterday I went grocery shopping and two people spoke to me. One, this guy saw me like he was a gay guy, so I let him speak to me. This older gay guy saw me getting pretzels and was asking about them. And like, I entertained the conversation. But in my head I was like, you're.

[Drew Phillips]

I hear gay guy. Kai here's gay guy. And laughs. Yeah, well, look, you can't say yeah, you gotta say yes.

[Unknown]

Yes, Daddy.

[Kai Newman]

Stop that. Can't. Like, I can't.

[Drew Phillips]

Mamas and papa.

[Kai Newman]

But he was asking me about the pretzels and I just entertained it. Even though I was not in the mood and I was like in a rush, I entertained it. And then this older lady was asking me to buy. To grab some honey off the top shelf for her. She was tall enough to grab it yeah, her old ass was tall enough to grab it. She was not my type. I just grabbed it for her. And then 20 minutes later.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm not, like, a literal narcissist thinking everybody wants her.

[Kai Newman]

Well, no, I don't actually think that you said that. I didn't think that. I did think she was just, like, a little loose because she asked me to grab a big. Or she ran through because she asked me to grab the bigger container of honey. I went to go grab that, and she was like, can you shut the fuck up for three goddamn fucking seconds? Damn.

[Unknown]

Yeah, you should slap him or something.

[Drew Phillips]

Hit me. Yeah, hit me.

[Kai Newman]

Hit me.

[Drew Phillips]

Hit me.

[Kai Newman]

Hit me.

[Drew Phillips]

I can't feel my face. Just hit me.

[Kai Newman]

Did they like. Was that part of the movie? Just, like, they did drugs or some, and they were, like, being freaky? What did they do, smoke weed or something?

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know. They might have done, like, nitrous oxide or some.

[Unknown]

What are you guys talking about?

[Kai Newman]

13.

[Unknown]

Oh, I haven't seen that since I was.

[Drew Phillips]

Hit me. And it's like.

[Kai Newman]

And like, it was like a huge thing on Tick Tock.

[Drew Phillips]

Fucking hit me.

[Kai Newman]

I don't feel anything. Hit me. But the. I went to go grab the bigger thing of honey because she was pointing at that one. She was like, no, no, a small one. I grabbed her one small one. And then she was like, actually, can you get me another one? And I was like, okay. So I grabbed her another one, and then she asked me for another one. So she got three smaller ones instead of just the big one, which I'm whatever. But the point of this, literally three minutes later, in the next aisle, we were in the produce aisle, and she comes around the corner and she sleeps, Slams into my car, hard as. Didn't say sorry, didn't look at me. And I was like, oh, my God. I think she might just have dementia. Like, she literally, like, turned the corner, slammed into me, looked at me, and looked away, and then started, like, inching closer and pushing my car out of the way with her cart without saying a word. And I was like, bitch, I don't know, but I just. Fudge it. Helped you around the corner. Why are you like. She's angry with the fucking carts now, so she was mad at me for help.

[Drew Phillips]

He's tweaking out. Also, like, the entire time you were talking, I realized every single word that comes out of anybody's mouth in my vicinity, I can sexualize. I know it's crazy.

[Kai Newman]

I know it's great.

[Drew Phillips]

It's really gnarly. Like, you said, like, inches, and I was like, oh, inches, penis. Because I was, okay, we're getting a new TV, but I wanted to measure the old TV, so I. I think it's 65 inches, which is 3 drew penis links. That's like a new unit of measure we're using.

[Unknown]

Your dick is that long.

[Kai Newman]

Wait, how long is that?

[Drew Phillips]

It's like 21.5 inches or 20. 21.33. But I round.

[Kai Newman]

It's actually 21.66.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, 21.66. So I round down.

[Unknown]

Is that when it's. You have a. Oh, on soft.

[Drew Phillips]

But yeah, we. You also said slams. Like, her cart slams into you Slams. Like doing s. Who says slams? You said slams.

[Kai Newman]

No, I'm saying, like, who says that in a sexual contact?

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I slammed her.

[Kai Newman]

Is that a big thing?

[Drew Phillips]

This new fucking thing that, like, guys are saying that's absolutely, like, repulsive. Like, you know, like, they have Riz and they have hers, and they have all that shit. Bitch. The new thing they're saying is splitting, like, oh, I'd split that. Which, like, that's gross. Yeah. And they're, like, talking about, like, the most.

[Kai Newman]

What's crazy is, I think, Drew, somehow you interact with the straightest side of the Internet because every time you bring up some stuff that, like, guys are talking about, it really freaks me out.

[Unknown]

Like, you.

[Kai Newman]

Who told. Told you that?

[Unknown]

I feel like you knew about, like, mogging culture so long, like, a year before people were.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, no, I was. I was tapped in.

[Kai Newman]

No, he knew about mewing way too early.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, no, I was. I was tapped the. Into the, like, looks maxing culture because I just thought it was literally the most deranged, funny thing I've ever seen in my life. And the reason I found out about it was this kid, Dylan Latham, who is a part of the Cookieverse, who. Who is also a part of Santa Cruz.

[Unknown]

Isn't that, like.

[Kai Newman]

Chopped house?

[Drew Phillips]

No. You don't know. You don't know. Pow. MB Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

[Kai Newman]

No, no, no. I actually. I don't want to know. I, like, I feel like. No, I feel like I genuinely, genuinely think these are things I should never hear. Like, do you know what I mean? Sometimes, like, no.

[Drew Phillips]

Vex. PS Is a part of Yay Squad, and Y. Vex Bolts snuck into the Cookieverse lore. He was sneaking in.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, I really. I really. I'm not kidding. It feels like a world that I just shouldn't know exists. It's like, oh, my God. Like, I just.

[Drew Phillips]

It's a world no man over the age of 16 should know about. And it's, like, really crazy because, like, I'm like, so locked into this universe. I even DM'd Cookie King because I want to sneak into his lore. I want to sneak into the lore. But no, the reason I found out about looks maxing.

[Unknown]

Hearing Drew say that he DMed cookie king.

[Drew Phillips]

No, but. And I'm sneaking into the lore. I'm going to be in season eight. I'm going to be in season eight.

[Unknown]

There's seasons.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, we're on season seven right now. And it's the.

[Unknown]

What are you talking about?

[Kai Newman]

Like, how are you on a season of what?

[Drew Phillips]

Like, it's the Tik Tock universe. Y' all don't know Hills, bro. Hills.

[Unknown]

No, it's not.

[Kai Newman]

Like, stop. Like, why do you have all that information in your head? Like, what scares me is I genuinely do think Drew's gonna be like, dementia ridden really early.

[Drew Phillips]

No, I'm gonna remember scared for the.

[Kai Newman]

Things you're gonna remember.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, you're only gonna remember the weirdest Cookie King, bruh.

[Unknown]

How can I, as a 30 year old man, get involved in this community DM Zeta? Well, speaking of looks, Maxine, you guys are both looking very good, very attractive. You guys both look like the bell of the ball.

[Kai Newman]

Thank you.

[Unknown]

You're welcome.

[Drew Phillips]

And you look good.

[Unknown]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

And you look good.

[Kai Newman]

You get a haircut.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I get a haircut every month.

[Kai Newman]

It looks good every time you get a haircut. I can tell.

[Unknown]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Kai Newman]

Wow. The craziest part about me reacting like that is there are some of y' all who had. Have had to like, bear the bravery of exclusive explaining what this is to one of your friends. And that is probably exactly how they feel hearing about my friend.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, they're cousins and they. I mean, no, that's really still so funny to me.

[Unknown]

I've never heard you make that sound before.

[Drew Phillips]

I was also driving and you know that billboard by our apartment in. Yeah, no, like right on the corner over there. I was, swear to God, I was like imagining. Because it's a big ass billboard and I was like, oh, a good billboard would be like, let cousins date or let cousins love. And it's just our pictures up there. And that's the only. That's what the. All the billboard is.

[Kai Newman]

Every time we're in the neighborhood or going to like, like the areas we like to go around here. Imagine somebody has seen that like right before they got there and sees us, like, holding hands, because we really hold hands and grab Each other like we're a couple of others. But my favorite thing.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, we've been straight maxing. Like.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, in a crazy way. Wait, what were you doing in Whole Foods when we scared that guy?

[Drew Phillips]

I don't remember.

[Kai Newman]

We were like having a fake argument or I like said something to you. I was like, you need to leave me the alone.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, I don't remember what it was, but yeah, we fake argue in public and it scares the out of people. But like we fake argue and then like we like hug and fake kiss and like. Yeah, right. It just looks like a chaotic, toxic relationship.

[Kai Newman]

Like, wait, why do we like to cosplay as like crazy couple?

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know.

[Kai Newman]

Well, it's because I like, I love a crazy couple that's like, not actually crazy, but just says crazy remarks to each other in public. That will always get me and entertain me. And I just feel like I was born to entertain. So I like to like, you're an.

[Drew Phillips]

Entertaining darling or you're an inter.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're a star.

[Drew Phillips]

Did that sound like old Hollywood?

[Unknown]

I did. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

You're a star darling.

[Unknown]

Did you guys see that? A lot of people on the Internet think that I look like Elio. Elio from calling by your name.

[Kai Newman]

No, you don't have to send me a picture.

[Drew Phillips]

I know.

[Unknown]

Well, just look. So they drew this beautiful drawing and then the comment, the top comment says, that's Kai Newman guy.

[Drew Phillips]

That does not mean you look. You look like the shitty drawing of Elio, I think.

[Kai Newman]

No, they're saying, I mean, you took that with grace. I will say you took that like.

[Unknown]

A being called a handsome movie star look alike.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, being called Timothy Chalamet.

[Kai Newman]

And you have what, like the, you know, the hyperpigmentation drawing?

[Drew Phillips]

Hyperpigmentation.

[Kai Newman]

That's Kai. Oh, I want like a kid to draw an ugly portrait of me so I can see it and hold it. Why are you crying, bro? Oh my God.

[Unknown]

Yeah, well, hey, I looked up, I looked down at my phone and then I looked back up and you're crying.

[Drew Phillips]

Why?

[Kai Newman]

It's.

[Unknown]

What?

[Kai Newman]

Just is it the tick tock ban?

[Drew Phillips]

You're banning red dye 30. They're ready. They're banning red dye three.

[Kai Newman]

Wait, are they Actually, they ain't the Pentagon. Wait, did they.

[Drew Phillips]

Did it go through 2027? They're banning red dye three.

[Kai Newman]

Oh my God, you have so much time. Can you shut.

[Drew Phillips]

This is my 9 11. This is my 9 11. They hit the Pentagon.

[Kai Newman]

Give me my red dye at the Pentagon.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, they. They're taking true.

[Kai Newman]

I would hope in two years your ass is not eating Red 40 anymore because you're gonna learn a lot of bad lessons. You're gonna learn a lot of scary lessons.

[Drew Phillips]

My hemorrhoids. I don't have hemorrhoids, but I like to say I have hemorrhoids, but I'm, like, in a way, manifesting hemorrhoids, and I do not want him.

[Kai Newman]

I've never had hemorrhoids, and I've always, like, been convinced I do, but I didn't even know they existed until I met, like, my guy friends. And every guy I know has had a bunch of hemorrhoids. So now just. Have you had a hemorrhoid tendency? Is.

[Unknown]

I've never had one, but have you.

[Drew Phillips]

Ever had a fisher who has a.

[Kai Newman]

Had a fisher there, here or there?

[Drew Phillips]

Like, I'm not.

[Unknown]

No comment.

[Drew Phillips]

Everyone's dropped a big load.

[Kai Newman]

Everyone's dropped a huge hard load before.

[Unknown]

Everyone has had.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

What did you say? A huge dry load.

[Drew Phillips]

A huge stinky load.

[Kai Newman]

No, a huge hard load.

[Unknown]

A really painful thing is, like, when you're constipated and you have the big dry log and you push it out and it's like, it's very, very dance.

[Kai Newman]

Like, we end up talking about.

[Drew Phillips]

I know we need to shut the up. Important stuff, like the Tick Tock Band, y' all.

[Kai Newman]

I. I don't believe it.

[Drew Phillips]

See, I wrote all of the things I wanted to talk about, either.

[Unknown]

I don't. I don't think it's gonna happen.

[Drew Phillips]

I wrote all the things I wanted to talk about. I genuinely. I don't believe it either. But if it does get banned, like, earth shattering, heartbreaking, fundamentally changing. Like. Like, we still exist in the wild, wild west of the Internet, even if it doesn't feel. Feel like it. And this sets a precedent where it's like, oh, my God, like, they can just take whatever the they want from us. And also, y' all, I. Everybody, I give a chance. You better hope I don't give you a second chance, because every single person I give a second chance squanders it. Mark Zuckerberg, count your days. You and Elon Musk are gonna end up in the same place together if I get my hands on y' all.

[Kai Newman]

They're such, like, little dick ass hoes.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, they just have, like, his stupid perm. Like, why are you perming your hair in your 40s?

[Kai Newman]

They also feel like they have, like, vaginal type fupas. Does that make sense?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai Newman]

No, literally, like, I just know, like, if you. If you got that fat, like Kuchima Bob. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And I feel like they have that.

[Drew Phillips]

They both have, like, concave chess or X. Like, oh, dude, I don't know.

[Kai Newman]

They're just disgusting and ugly and.

[Drew Phillips]

Take that gold chain off, you freak. I don't give a if it has sentimental value. Oh, like, my child gave it to me, you pervert. Like, it's all his fault. He's a fucking perv. Like, literally, he's a perv.

[Kai Newman]

They're nasty, bro. I want so badly I would pay any amount of money to have them both, like, put in velcro suits and like, launched on a machine onto a target. And then everybody gets to throw, like, something at them.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, I would throw bricks.

[Kai Newman]

Tomato blocks, bricks. Oh, I would throw. Okay, so here would be the order. We strap Elon and Mark Zuckerberg up to walls. We start with tomatoes. No, no, no. We start with water balloons that have, like, a bit of gelatin in the water. We start with that. It's going to be cold water, like jello shots. We start with that. Then we do cold, mushy tomatoes. Do that. Then we do balloons, like, but more so like condoms. Something that it can, like, snap if it's, like, overfilled. We fill it with powder, a powdered sugar. We throw that. We leave them outside overnight so they get covered in ants all night. And then in the morning we come and we use a power hose that's made for taking mold off of concrete. And we just spray them down.

[Drew Phillips]

Spray their. Rip their first layer of skin off.

[Kai Newman]

And they get to live. But that's just like punishment.

[Drew Phillips]

I want to cover them in bees.

[Unknown]

I. I think so I'm imagining we build like a big diving board and we put them at the top, and then there's this huge, like, body of liquid. And then I'm like, I. I walk into it. I'm like. I'm like, look, like all you're going to do is dive into this. And then they dive in and then it's non Newtonian. So, like, since I walk through it very slowly, they feel safe to dive in. And then when they hit it, it's basically just concrete.

[Drew Phillips]

And that is terminal velocity. Okay, but everything I wrote that I wanted to talk about, about the TikTok ban has already been said a million times by now. And I wrote it all like, three days ago. So whatever. I don't know why I'm saying this, but.

[Kai Newman]

They hacked his neuralink. He's. He. He passed his. I love Elon Musk.

[Drew Phillips]

No, it's like, they're like, I love Elon Musk. No, the. The way that, like, they thought, like, banning this app. Well, okay, let me back it up a little bit. China government, they thought they way. No, but China and I think all America has really gotten to it. It's rotted our brains. China and America have worked very hard over the last 30, 50, 60, 80 decades to get us to hate each other. Like, they want us to hate each other. They don't want us united. They want us to hate each other through propaganda, whatever the it is. In banning TikTok, they wanted us to, like, be separated even further. They said it was a data issue, like, da, da, da, da, da. We all know why it's getting banned, but it's hilarious that in doing so, they've, like, kind of united China and American people. Like, with this Red Note app, like.

[Kai Newman]

The amount of American on my iPhone right now learning Mandarin, I didn't know that many people could speak Mandarin. Is it that, like, the hardest language to learn? Yeah, that some of y' all need to be careful because it's showing the tax bracket you grew up in. Cuz some of y' all are a little too young to know Mandarin. I'm saying that, like, people don't have free will and actual, like, academic access and duolingo exists, I guess.

[Unknown]

I think China's cool. I. I want.

[Drew Phillips]

I love China.

[Unknown]

I really want a. A Yang Wang U9.

[Drew Phillips]

It's like, oh, you've been talking about this.

[Unknown]

Yeah. It's like an electric supercar that they built.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, I do remember that. I just want to go to China because it sounds lit as fuck. Like, it sounds pretty. I have friends who have gone and they all say it's pretty, and I want to go. Oh, my God, the next brand trip. Like, fuck all that Turks and Caicos shit. Who is taking me to China? But no, I actually can't believe so many people know Mandarin because I. I barely know Spanish anymore, and it is so impressive, and maybe I'm just jealous. I'm jealous of people. What?

[Drew Phillips]

I've been practicing Mandarin.

[Kai Newman]

No, you haven't.

[Drew Phillips]

I literally have, unironically.

[Kai Newman]

Then speak it. No. Give me your phone because I feel like you're gonna, like, just look something up.

[Unknown]

That sounded perfect.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. What did you say?

[Drew Phillips]

I said, I. I can't remember all of it, but basically I said I want to have sex.

[Kai Newman]

Wait, how did you do that? Like, when did you learn that? I'm so confused.

[Drew Phillips]

I've been learning Mandarin and Swahili.

[Kai Newman]

Do you know Swahili?

[Drew Phillips]

Yes.

[Kai Newman]

Okay, prove it. Yeah. Because I remember him trying to learn Swahili. He said that he was going to learn it in a month, and he did duolingo for a week.

[Unknown]

One of those things that he said that obviously he was never going to follow through with.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

God, y' all are so annoying. Like, y' all are so annoying. Should I try?

[Kai Newman]

Okay. Also, like, if you're not actually speaking Mandarin, I hope you know that's, like, up.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, wow, the liberals here. The liberals go again. You can't even speak a language. Okay, well, getting canceled.

[Unknown]

Let me try. Let me try.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, what'd you say?

[Unknown]

I said that I'm just happy to be back, and I'm happy to see you guys.

[Kai Newman]

I feel like that's not what you said.

[Unknown]

Why are you not impressed when I. When I do it?

[Kai Newman]

Well, because you're just like, this. A guy with a phone who, like, uses it and, like, I don't know, but that's hard.

[Unknown]

It's hard to learn.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, you're a guy with a phone with crypto.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. Literally, you just like, I feel like you're on the Internet like that. It's, like, not that shocking to me.

[Unknown]

Still impressive that I know languages.

[Kai Newman]

You know what is really fudged up about me when that was a good guy? When random white guys know crazy, like, random languages, I don't find it impressive. I actually usually find it extremely annoying. I'm like, oh, okay. I'm so sure.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, that one white guy that goes to, like, Chinatown and speaks Mandarin.

[Kai Newman]

And that, weirdly, is impressive because he's just. He's very polite.

[Drew Phillips]

I love the reactions of the people, like, so much. And there's one where he's, like, getting, like, a pedicure or something. And they're, like, talking about his toes, and they're like, nasty. Like, they're like nasty, gross white people toes or whatever the they say. And then he clocks them and is like, starts speaking the language.

[Kai Newman]

Wait, what does he say back?

[Drew Phillips]

I don't know. I don't remember.

[Kai Newman]

He's like, you stupid? No, he kicks her in the.

[Unknown]

God. Oh, I hope not.

[Drew Phillips]

No, I think he just says something in Mandarin, random. And then they're like, he can. He understands us.

[Kai Newman]

Imagine we were the kind of people who. That is how the episode. That video ended. And we were just mentioning casually, like, oh, it's a really funny video. You guys should go watch it. And then they went and watched it and somebody got kicked in the face. I. The people who watch, like, a lot of violent videos really scare me. Me. And that's all I'll say. That is coming from somebody who watches murder documentaries. But there's one thing to watch, like a. Like a crime investigation or something, which I don't do as often anymore. I'm back out of the dark.

[Drew Phillips]

Trade update. Trade update. Trade update. Read all about it. Read all about it. Wait, hold on. I'm E.T. i'm extra. I'm an alien. Read all about it. Read all about it. It's like the news.

[Kai Newman]

E.T.

[Drew Phillips]

I'M an alien. I'm extra.

[Kai Newman]

I like. Okay. Actually, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I have to get this out. The thing that really, actually annoys me about someone like Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg is if I had that kind of money and power, what I would really be doing is putting Ray Bans Snapchat glasses on a handful of people and watching their days and then paying somebody an absurd amount of money to do super cuts of those.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, I have a documentary like this.

[Kai Newman]

At night and just watch their updated days?

[Drew Phillips]

Well, I have a documentary idea like this. Mine's way darker and I don't want to get into it, but.

[Kai Newman]

No, mine is fun.

[Drew Phillips]

I've told both of y' all about it.

[Kai Newman]

Mine is, like, fun, though. Like, I want, like, fun.

[Drew Phillips]

Trade update. Trade update, y' all. The trade in question, not the phony. Which I found out he had made a video talking about our taste being similar in men and that he wanted to see my Twitter. I don't have one, but he wanted to see my Twitter because Twitter is all porn. Yeah, to see if we have the same taste. Right, That's. I'm assuming that's what he was saying, but he left a comment because I. I commented like, my trade. Because he made a video, like, responding, and I was like, my trade. And he said something so funny. He was like, if Drew. No, if India. Yes.

[Kai Newman]

Hey, come over. I have space in my bed for you.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, basically, I'll give you the brief synopsis. Cuz it's all I talk about now. And everybody's so tired and bored of it, but I'm not.

[Kai Newman]

I love it. It's like. It's like watching Sex in the City for the first time.

[Unknown]

I don't like hearing about this. I think we should just move on.

[Kai Newman]

You want a job or not?

[Drew Phillips]

You're so jealous.

[Unknown]

Not jealous. And just. You talk about a lot. It's like, okay, great. Like, he's awesome, he's handsome, whatever.

[Kai Newman]

Drew's not going to hit you anymore.

[Drew Phillips]

And you saw a picture of him too?

[Unknown]

I want to see a picture. I haven't seen a picture.

[Drew Phillips]

I'll show you.

[Kai Newman]

He's a cutie patootie.

[Drew Phillips]

But basically I had mourned the loss of him because I decided I'm not texting him first. I will never. I will literally rather never text him again than me have to text him first one more time. And granted, he has texted me first several times, but the last, like three times we spoke, he didn't text me first. So I was like, you. Like, we're done. So I didn't message him. Two days go past and I was like, Like, I actually, like, I actually think he doesn't give a about me. Because if you're confused. What, he's not interested.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, where did you hear that? Because that's like, I. I don't. Was that a tick tock necessarily?

[Drew Phillips]

I literally don't know where I heard it.

[Kai Newman]

Also, it's not really good advice.

[Drew Phillips]

No, I think it is because, like, literally, like, you. If you're confused, like, you should know if someone likes you off rip. But also, I gave off this, like, weird, mysterious, creepy energy. And I think he's terrified of me. I'm like, literally creepy to him. Bro, but.

[Kai Newman]

You'Re saying it like you're texting him. Like, what's the type of.

[Drew Phillips]

Well, no, I almost. I want to come in. I almost asked him if he watches True crime stories, but then I got in my head and I was like, wait, because we're watching the jinx. And I was like, oh, we can talk about the Jinx. But then I was like, we actually. I don't want to bring up true crime because, like, we don't know each other and it's weird if someone's like, I don't know. I just.

[Unknown]

I get it, dude, you're overthinking.

[Kai Newman]

He's been overthinking every step. I'm just watching somebody with, like, intense paranoia and anxiety and, like, trying to navigate a crush.

[Drew Phillips]

But.

[Kai Newman]

But also, we're just so opposite. And you. I say this all the time, but you can't ask me for advice because the way I text people who I like, Like, I don't give a fuck. What, are you just gonna not like me anymore? Okay, fine.

[Drew Phillips]

This is my first crush. We have to keep that in mind. This is my first crush. But I didn't text him. He didn't text me for like, two days. And I was like, really sad. I was like, fuck, dude, I Actually, like, don't think he gives a shit about me. He never cared about me. He just wanted my body. He doesn't give a fuck about me. Well, he texted me back first, y' all. He asked me how I was doing because of the fires. He text me back.

[Unknown]

Has your crush grown since the last time?

[Drew Phillips]

No, it's only shrunk. But it's shrinking. It's shrinking and shrinking, but it's gonna be like a black hole where eventually it shrinks and the matter falls upon itself and it explodes out. That's how I've been thinking about it.

[Unknown]

Or.

[Drew Phillips]

But I still do. The first thing I think about in the morning is him. And the last thing I think about.

[Unknown]

Before going to bed is when celestial bodies collide, they create universes.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm scared to have sex with him again after developing this crush because my penis is not gonna work.

[Kai Newman]

Also, have you ever, like, had like sex with somebody who you really had a crush on?

[Drew Phillips]

No.

[Kai Newman]

Oh my God.

[Drew Phillips]

People who have had really big crushes on me have had sex with.

[Unknown]

Wow.

[Kai Newman]

Well, that was really bad. Also. That's a beast of its own. That must be like so awesome. I don't think anybody I've had sex with liked me more than I liked them. I don't think anyone I've ever liked has liked me more than I like them.

[Drew Phillips]

You. No, that's impossible. You have like 3,000 bodies you ran through.

[Kai Newman]

Don't air me out like that. Also, I've gotten it down because in the 10 year gap it goes down.

[Drew Phillips]

So it's now at plus your body.

[Kai Newman]

Sheds its 2000, 648.

[Drew Phillips]

All of the cells in your body replace themselves after seven years. So those bodies in the past seven years.

[Unknown]

That's a really good point.

[Drew Phillips]

They don't give. They don't count.

[Kai Newman]

They don't give a fuck.

[Drew Phillips]

Also don't give a fuck.

[Unknown]

3,000 bodies. 3,000 bodies isn't that much.

[Kai Newman]

It really is not.

[Unknown]

Like, that's not bad.

[Drew Phillips]

She's not going to bang you, bro.

[Unknown]

Dude, no, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying you're nervous, not blushing. I'm not nervous. I'm not blushing. What else did you crush? Dude? I'm not saying that. I was just.

[Drew Phillips]

Right, right.

[Unknown]

No, I just don't think that we should. Same body count.

[Kai Newman]

Wait, what did you say? Recently in an episode, you said something so stupid. Ah, that would be perfect for this moment. But I'm not gonna remember and I don't know why. I just interjected because I forgot I.

[Drew Phillips]

Hate when I do that too.

[Kai Newman]

Humiliate.

[Unknown]

We should go silent until we figure it out.

[Kai Newman]

Also, last night I have this hat on because last night when I was making myself a little snack, I flung hot sugar at my face. And look.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, it's bad.

[Kai Newman]

It's bad.

[Unknown]

Oh, my God.

[Drew Phillips]

She has third degree burns. Kai, come kiss.

[Kai Newman]

It burned, like, all my skin off. Immediately it burned my skin off and I did something so stupid because the sugar not only flung on my face, but it stayed there for a second because I had all this stuff in your tongulu.

[Drew Phillips]

No, that tour that went crazy. India's a tong Hulu.

[Kai Newman]

A tongue hulu.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, but I'm not done talking about my crush.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, no, get back to it.

[Drew Phillips]

Actually, I am done.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, really?

[Drew Phillips]

Basically, I make him text me first now, and he does.

[Kai Newman]

You know what it is, is you just haven't survived, like, a hay scenario. Like, the thing is, I haven't gotten through it. Y' all need to keep in mind the hay scenario is the least of my worries in terms of embarrassing romantic endeavors. Like, I genuinely, from the beginning of being.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God, I curved inyan friend zoned her so hard.

[Kai Newman]

And you weren't. You weren't the first and you aren't gonna be the last because, like, damn.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like.

[Kai Newman]

Because, like, the thing is, I am very aware that I'm like, a pretty girl. Whatever I'm fond of. Interesting, right? I am batshit crazy. Crazy like that. Like, that. I think everyone in my life can attest to I am batshit crazy. My priorities are really not in any romantic person. So everybody who dates me has to.

[Drew Phillips]

Look batshit crazy right now too. Like, you're like, I'm bad crazy.

[Kai Newman]

No. I have been feeling, like, so insane the past three weeks. Like, so in.

[Drew Phillips]

A lot has been going on.

[Kai Newman]

I wanna. I just. I really need to go to the middle of America and find, like, a derby car park thing. I'm driving the boat. I'm driving the derby car. I want to just crash a car. Like, I want it to be a safe scenario, but, like, my body feels like it needs to just, like, blast a song of my choice.

[Drew Phillips]

And just like, my dream is to buy, like, a thousand dollar car and crash it.

[Kai Newman]

No, but I want it to be, like, safety modded out because I'm not gonna die like that. Come on.

[Unknown]

Like, oh, you want to be in it?

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, no, I want. I'm saying I want to drive it, but I want it to be, like, modded out. That, like, there's foam cushioning all around. Me. So, like, at worst, I'll feel like a blow to my chest.

[Unknown]

You know what I feel like one of the most cathartic things is, you know, people are like, I was in this insane crash and my car flipped over, but I'm fine. Yeah, that feels like a really cool experience to be okay.

[Drew Phillips]

And it's like spinning. Like, you're upside down and spinning on the. The roof of the car.

[Kai Newman]

Ew. I would really hate for somebody to find me upside down in the car.

[Drew Phillips]

Like, your seat belt's not working.

[Kai Newman]

Like, what do you mean? I'm just hanging upside down, and I need, like, my seat belts.

[Drew Phillips]

You have, like, little cuts on your face.

[Kai Newman]

Come cut me off. And I'd have to be like. Like, follow my head.

[Drew Phillips]

The jaws of life. Like. Like, it's really so dramatic for nothing. I mean, that was. My New Year's resolution, was to get in a car crash. One of them was to get in a car crash, but not in, like, a deadly car.

[Kai Newman]

The thing is, you can't say that because you don't drive enough. I'm always driving when you're in a.

[Drew Phillips]

Car, but I know. Or even get hit by a car, like, crossing the street.

[Unknown]

But one time, I was parked in San Francisco. I was with my friend, and he was dropping me off, and then a car hit us at, like, 80 miles an hour. And we were parked on one of, like, the really steep hills in San Francisco, and the car flipped over. It hit us, and then it shot down the hill and it flipped over.

[Drew Phillips]

Y' all got hit, like, walking. Y' all were walking.

[Unknown]

We were in the car.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh.

[Unknown]

But it smashed into our car, and then it flipped. Rolled down the hill. And then the guy just got out and said. I ran up to him, like, get a photo of the thing. And I was like, are you good? And he was like, I just need to go to sleep. Like, I just don't want my boss to find out about this. It was so sleep.

[Drew Phillips]

Or did the hospital come?

[Unknown]

So I was like, okay, wait here. Yeah, no, the hospital came. No, I was in front of my house at the time, and I went inside to get water with my friend that was parked with me, and we were.

[Drew Phillips]

If you lived in San Francisco, I know that's.

[Unknown]

I was there for, like, a year. Okay, that. First of all, homophobic.

[Drew Phillips]

No, no. I mean, it's literally. It's literally gay.

[Kai Newman]

You're gay.

[Unknown]

I didn't even think about.

[Kai Newman]

In, like, theory, you are the homophobic one, because why are you so offended at being.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna think about.

[Drew Phillips]

You'll just have to kiss me later. You'll just have to kiss me.

[Kai Newman]

Okay, wait.

[Unknown]

Whatever. Manipulative. Okay. We went inside to drink water. Then when we came back out, the guy drove the car off. No, when we were inside, we were drinking water. We were gonna, like, come back out because I don't know, we were just like, let's just go inside for a second. And then when we were inside, we heard the car start and it, like, drove off and.

[Kai Newman]

What?

[Unknown]

I don't know. I mean, I have a. I. I ended up like, reporting it and we got like. Like physical therapy out of it. But it was like some weird thing. It ended up being this guy who worked for, like, this rich tech person and would like. This was like the seventh time it had happened.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown]

Where he was like his assistant. He would, like, do Xanax and drive.

[Drew Phillips]

And it was his. His boss's car or his.

[Unknown]

It was his boss's car.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, hell no.

[Drew Phillips]

I would be like, I want to go to sleep, too.

[Unknown]

For a long, long time.

[Drew Phillips]

I want to be in a coma, please. Have y' all seen that video?

[Kai Newman]

Wait, that just reminded me of when you and Orion took my car. And Orion had already gotten into a car accident in my car. And then I let them take it to San Francisco and they thought they got hit and they were talking about if they brought my car back, and it was like Flintstones.

[Drew Phillips]

I literally was sobbing, crying. I don't. I've never laughed that hard in my life. And I truly. It wasn't that funny.

[Kai Newman]

I know. Also the imagery of, like, me standing on the front porch and y' all coming up in the car and. And the wheel is like.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

What was the thing that happened with Orion's car where there was like, that security photo? Oh, my God. I forget what it was.

[Drew Phillips]

We haven't. I've always asked Orion for it, but she'll never send it to me.

[Kai Newman]

Okay, we should, like, save on to that story, cuz we want to have Orion on again, so we'll tell that story. Cuz that is so.

[Drew Phillips]

Just look out. Me and Orion got in a car crash. And it's quite literally the funniest security cam footage.

[Kai Newman]

It literally feels like the silent films that cut it and they're like. But wait.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, that.

[Kai Newman]

It's them running around.

[Drew Phillips]

It's so funny. But.

[Unknown]

Oh, that's awkward.

[Drew Phillips]

I was gonna say, have you all seen that video of that Truck that gets in the tornado and it flips and rolls over and all that. It happened like probably five years ago.

[Kai Newman]

I need to see it because.

[Drew Phillips]

But it gets hit by a tornado, it rolls a bunch and then just drives away. It's like the greatest app.

[Kai Newman]

I mean, honestly lit, like if. If I got rolled around by a tornado, but my car and I was fine, like, yes, I would drive away. Actually. No. Could I make any money off of that situation if I stay? Okay. Back to the wild weather out of Texas following a tornado outbreak, folks, this is video you're looking at from Elgin, just east of Austin. Watch as a twist lifts a pickup off the ground, spinning it around and then landing it back on its wheels. Take another look. Okay. If that's not enough, the driver continues down the road as if nothing. Even you wanting to drive again off.

[Drew Phillips]

It didn't even show it driving off.

[Kai Newman]

I mean, I believe it. I believe you, Drew.

[Drew Phillips]

I believe you pisses me off. But it was a Texas teen and he got $155,000.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, okay. Then I. Yeah, I would say, I think option good to know who pays.

[Unknown]

The money for the tour.

[Drew Phillips]

I think it was like the state. I think it was the car company because they like. It was like the greatest ad for them ever. Cuz like, they're hard to get hit by him.

[Kai Newman]

15K now. It's not a good dollar option.

[Drew Phillips]

True.

[Kai Newman]

I want more. I could have died.

[Drew Phillips]

Because that's at least like a three million dollar budget commercial.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

So they saved three million dollars.

[Kai Newman]

That's how they save so much money on editors.

[Drew Phillips]

Speaking of cars. Yeah. Literally. Because Ellen. Ellen DeGeneres saves so much money on editors because. Or saves so much money because she hired.

[Kai Newman]

She. She does all the editing for the show herself.

[Drew Phillips]

But. Oh, you know that like, hoodie that Ellen and Jay Z wear that has like the Bosquiat painting on it? I think it's off white and all of like the conspiracy freakazoids, like, talk about it. Like, it's like if you know this symbol, like, and what it means, you would be shocked. Then it's like just pictures of Ellen and other celebrities wearing that hoodie. I want it so fucking bad.

[Kai Newman]

I actually don't know what hoodie you're talking about.

[Drew Phillips]

It's just like a Basquiat painting. Like Basquiat, like Estate Collab with off white. And there's like this little creepy Basquiat painting right here.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, maybe I have seen.

[Drew Phillips]

And it looked. It does look. Look kind of demonic, but something that's legitimately been pissing me the off recently. Like, actually driving me insane is why the are the speed limits 50 miles per hour, but my car can go 150 miles per hour. Like, literally. What is the point of making my car go that fast or making the speed limits that low if my car can go that fast? Fast.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah. I don't really understand it either. Also that. But that's why I don't understand people who want sports cars that go like, why would I ever need my car.

[Drew Phillips]

To go 300 miles per hour? Like, okay, so I can drive in the salt flats. Like, cool. That's so fun.

[Kai Newman]

Do you need a car that fast to drive in the salt flats?

[Drew Phillips]

No, but you can drive that fast in the salt flats. That's where they set all the world records for land speed.

[Kai Newman]

I can't believe that's like a thing that gets done.

[Drew Phillips]

It's really cool. There's this really awesome documentary about like a motorcycle.

[Kai Newman]

Is it dangerous to drive that fast even on like flat area though?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, I feel like there could be like a. Because in the salt flats, there's like little pockets where the water like erodes the salt away and then it gets covered. Yeah, exactly.

[Unknown]

And you don't explode.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, you're. If you're going 300 miles and you.

[Unknown]

Hit that, it's like not in a. Yang Wang.

[Drew Phillips]

Yang Wang.

[Kai Newman]

That is insane. Also, Yang Wang literally sounds like the name of like a beauty influencer. Like, it sounds like a guy who does his makeup. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Like RCL beauty.

[Unknown]

Feel like cars can go that fast because I've always in my head rationalized of like, if you are in an emergency situation and you have to like drive really fast around. I don't know, I'm like.

[Kai Newman]

For me, emergency situation is like. When we pulled up today to film the episode, I saw Kai and I felt like I had to put my car.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, speaking of emergency situ wation situation was perving on me when I was in my car.

[Unknown]

I was just filming you.

[Drew Phillips]

I had. Look. Look at this creepy video.

[Unknown]

Creepy.

[Drew Phillips]

He's a little creepy. All.

[Unknown]

I was just filming you.

[Kai Newman]

We become obsessed with saying, aw. Ew. Why are you breathing so hard?

[Drew Phillips]

The jawline look good in this.

[Unknown]

I'm just filming him.

[Kai Newman]

Why were you filming?

[Drew Phillips]

I'm so ugly when I'm to add it to the.

[Unknown]

To the database of videos that I have of you guys. Because you guys just look so cute when you don't know that someone's filming you. And I just. I want you guys to see what. What the world sees I never want.

[Kai Newman]

To see what the world sees. Actually, I decided like, I think I'm gonna get rid of all my mirrors and get rid of my phone and move to the woods and die.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay, we are back. Wait, I'm gonna take an off guard photo of Kai. There we go. Got it.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, God.

[Drew Phillips]

This is actually so good.

[Unknown]

Really?

[Kai Newman]

Yes. He looks so cute. Let me see.

[Unknown]

That's not.

[Kai Newman]

Dude, that's actually. That is weirdly enough, the lighting your backlit, but like that photo.

[Unknown]

Can I see it again?

[Kai Newman]

Because I feel like the lighting was really good. Even though it's backlit. I was. It's one of the most photos, like photographs I've ever seen.

[Drew Phillips]

I know. I'm like Loki, a photographer. I can capture someone's essence perfectly.

[Kai Newman]

Just, they're like, snap. That's real life. This is real life.

[Unknown]

Really? No posing that you're saying I actually look good? Because I'll put it on. On my mane.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, you should.

[Drew Phillips]

You should main feed this. This is a good photo of you.

[Unknown]

And you guys aren't with me.

[Kai Newman]

No. You look so moisturized. And your teeth are really white.

[Drew Phillips]

Really white teeth.

[Kai Newman]

You got that Zach via smile.

[Unknown]

Honestly, I trust you guys. I trust you guys. I don't, I don't trust my own image of myself. So I trust you're beautiful. Okay, then send me that.

[Kai Newman]

Well, we've been saying.

[Drew Phillips]

Wait, y' all, this is so funny. Before I got. I, I. Before I wrote the trade update, I took a note saying I've been rejected. So dramatic. I didn't know it was possible.

[Kai Newman]

I would love to read your journals right now.

[Drew Phillips]

They're gnarly. Like, they're so psychopathic. Like they're really intense.

[Kai Newman]

Well, my car story. Have I told the story about me crashing the car when I was 15?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the hit and run.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, the hit and run. The Starbucks hit and run.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, that one. Isn't that funny. But I'll tell that one a different time if actually people want to hear it because it is a funny story. But the one I was just thinking of is one time when we were driving home from school, me and my whole family were in the car or we were driving to school because it was like 7am and this tiny, like Toyota Camry, it was a gold color, just like ran through a red light and T bone somebody who was right in front of us. And I am not kidding, 12 high schoolers jumped out of the car. And it felt like I was actually watching a clown car because it was a tiny, like 1996 Camry. And 12 big ass teenagers got out and ran all different directions. And it turned out that it was a bunch of 8th graders from my school who had taken their mom's car to school. And they were like just listening to a bunch of music. And this kid had gone around and picked up all his friends and were like all laughing, like, dude, just get.

[Drew Phillips]

In, just get in.

[Kai Newman]

We can all fit. And they were all in there, like laying on top of each other and they weren't paying attention because they were too busy just like laughing. They hit this car. Nobody got injured, but all of them ran out. And just the one kid who I knew, who I went to YMCA with was stand left standing at the car. And I just like behavior we looked at. My dad was like, oh my God, these kids are crazy. And we were like, yeah, they're so crazy. But they were like all of our.

[Drew Phillips]

Friends, they're free too. Have I told you my car crash story? Well, I have two. So one of them, I was getting Slurpees from racetrack and we were. We.

[Kai Newman]

That's your first problem is getting Slurpees from racetrack?

[Drew Phillips]

We would go to the YMCA and then we'd go, it was like across the street. Then we would drive, my friend's dad would drive us across the street and we were drinking Slurpees and we had small cups of Slurpees, but they had really long straws in them because they only had long straws left. And we were both sipping our Slurpees as we were rear ended. And we both deep throated our Slurpee straws and cut the back of our.

[Kai Newman]

Throats, like, also, I just remembered another car crash story, which was a very, very sure sign of me from a young age having ocd. But the first car accident I remember being in, I had. It was my first day, second grade. My mom picked me up, I was in the front seat. I didn't put a seat belt on. And I was talking mad about my new teacher because I thought she was a. And her name was like Ms. Adams or some. And she was Ace. It was literally like she was evil version of Mrs. Frizzle from that one show. But like, now looking back, she was very cute because there were times where she was very nice. But the first day of school, I was talking mad about her. And then we got into a car crash and since I didn't have my seatbelt on, I shot into like the foot space because I was a tiny person and I shot into the foot space. I Twisted my ankle, and I was. I never talked about her for the rest of the year, even though she was so mean to me.

[Drew Phillips]

Karma.

[Kai Newman]

I was convinced that talking about her made my mom crash the car.

[Drew Phillips]

Karma.

[Kai Newman]

So I was like, I can't talk bad about her anymore because she's, like, a witch or something.

[Drew Phillips]

The last cars crash story I'll tell is I was driving in Granbury, and we were going down, you know, the big road by, like. Like, you know, Hebs here where I worked is here. We were going down that road, and there were like, no, I'm not even gonna tell it.

[Unknown]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm not gonna tell it.

[Kai Newman]

We don't deserve it.

[Drew Phillips]

No. Y' all don't get it. Y' all will never understand it.

[Unknown]

No.

[Drew Phillips]

I was just gonna lie and say, hit a bunch of bikers, but I was like, honestly, that's not funny. But the last thing. So annoying I'll bring up. And this was diabolical. This was. Y' all are evil for doing this to me. But I saw the video, and it was like, when they're an ugly type of hot. And it was like, this girl like. Like, when they're an ugly type of hot. I got tagged in that 30 plus times, and there was a comment saying, oh, this is Drew Phillips that had 3, 000 likes. An ugly type of hot.

[Kai Newman]

That is mean.

[Drew Phillips]

You are not an ugly type of hot.

[Kai Newman]

You are not ugly hot. Like, I think you are just hot.

[Unknown]

You are.

[Drew Phillips]

I'll take the hot.

[Unknown]

You honestly aren't.

[Kai Newman]

Yeah, drop the ugly.

[Unknown]

You're just purely hot.

[Kai Newman]

Well, I need to find this screenshot because I saw something like that of me recently that made me crack d up. Oh. It was like going into the new year with an Enya humans or mindset, and it was like a slideshow of a bunch of really, really cute pictures. And, like, just my vibe, like, aesthetically. And then the top comment was, isn't she, like, super sad?

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not anymore. It's 2025.

[Kai Newman]

Exactly.

[Drew Phillips]

I'm so happy, and you're so happy. Actually, you have been really happy recently. I have been, like, the last week. There was a rough two weeks when we got back.

[Unknown]

Have you been happy the last week?

[Kai Newman]

No, actually.

[Unknown]

Oh, well, I was gonna say I've also been happy, so I've been making ends meet.

[Drew Phillips]

Why are you bragging?

[Unknown]

Emotional bragg. I'm usually sad.

[Drew Phillips]

When we're sad, you have to be sad. You can. And when we're happy, you have to be sad. Sad.

[Unknown]

What?

[Kai Newman]

You need to say sad, dude.

[Drew Phillips]

I love hearing that though, Kai, because.

[Unknown]

I felt so good at peace.

[Kai Newman]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Unknown]

Yeah, it felt good you were in.

[Drew Phillips]

I mean, you've been going back and seeing your family a lot. What if that's like the key?

[Unknown]

It might be.

[Kai Newman]

It really is. I think, like removing yourself from like.

[Unknown]

High social, helping your parents with stuff is like.

[Drew Phillips]

So it's what we were meant to do. Yeah, it was truly. We were supposed to be like in the villages, like helping our parents build the mud hut.

[Unknown]

I feel like, yeah, when I was younger I would go visit my family and I just regress and that that was my activity. But now I just, I go back and I help them do chores and stuff.

[Drew Phillips]

Love. That is so cute. I don't have a Drew Scop today, but I have a monologue.

[Kai Newman]

I. If this is what I think it is, I'm going to walk away while you do it.

[Drew Phillips]

All right? No lube, no protection, all night, all day. From the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining room table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony. Vertically, horizontally, quadratically exponential, fuck, Exponently logarithmic. While I gasp for air, scream until I see the light. Missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, doggy, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair, being carried against the wall outside in a train, on a plane, in the car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck on a trampoline in a bounce house, in the pool, bent over in the basement against the window, have the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick throbbing, fist clenching, ear ringing, mouth drooling, ass clinching, nose sniffing, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheets gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling, teeth jitterbug, mind boggling, soul snatching over stimulating, vile, sloppy moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly lip biting, lip biting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone wrecking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable. Body numbing, back worthing, can't walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, don't cough, sorry. Soul evaporating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling sheets removing, eye widening, popping nails, nail scratching, back cuts spectacular, brain cell dissolving, hair ripping, slow show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal Mouth foaming, heavenly, awaking, devoning, Devin's devil's tattoo. That was a Freudian slip. Hi, Devin. Devil's tango. He could not put a nuclear bomb inside of me and I'd still ride it. Or he could put a nuclear bomb inside of me and I'd still write it. And I would give this man the sloppiest, wettest, creamiest, soul taking, slimy, life changing, death defying, heaven sent, flabbergasting, hypnotizing, ungodly head.

[Unknown]

That is sexy. That was a very sexy poem.

[Kai Newman]

That felt like when you and your friends go to a new restaurant and the waitress asks if y' all have been there before and some idiot at the table decides to admit you haven't been there before, so now you have to hear the whole spiel. That's what it felt like. It felt like I was being held by the hostess.

[Drew Phillips]

What is the soup menu? Also, I have to give credit. What's on the soup menu today?

[Kai Newman]

What is the special today? Drew is the kind of I do do that.

[Drew Phillips]

I do do that, but I have to give credit where credit is due. That was from at that Cunt R Us on.

[Unknown]

Oh, I thought you were writing sex poetry.

[Drew Phillips]

No, no, no, no.

[Unknown]

I was gonna say because I've. I've actually been writing some sexy poetry as well.

[Drew Phillips]

Read some.

[Unknown]

This one's called Clever Girl. I feel like a cursed time traveler, one that can only move forward in time. My addiction to the arts rivaled only by my addiction to beautiful women. What does a night out with a guy like me look like? I take you to a restaurant. I wine and dine you and shower you with sexy compliments. I take you back to my apartment and impress you with my sexy furniture. I make you laugh until you squirt. And best of all, we make love in the morning. I make you breakfast and you beg me for more sex. A bachelor tethered only to his.

[Kai Newman]

What is this?

[Unknown]

It's poetry. I've been working on a coffee. In a hip downtown cafe overlooking the sidewalk. I indulge in a cigarette. Sue me. May you find me guilty.

[Kai Newman]

What the. Are you like?

[Unknown]

You find it?

[Kai Newman]

Do you write this? Where is this from? God.

[Unknown]

You find it relaxing to be around me even when I'm giving you little kisses and nibbles? I'm almost done. The sun sets. The sun sets on a brazen New York City skyline. Your body quenches my thirst. A sexual oasis. I lap at it. You introduce me to your friends. They are offended by my candor.

[Drew Phillips]

So it ends there.

[Unknown]

That's it? It's. Yeah.

[Drew Phillips]

Did you write that, Kai? That was beautiful.

[Unknown]

When I was in New York. Me and my friends were, like. We were trying to write, like, the most, like, disgusting, like, straight guy poetry we could.

[Kai Newman]

Awful. That was really bad.

[Drew Phillips]

That's your milk and honey.

[Unknown]

But, yeah, I'll just keep working on that. I'm gonna keep working.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, no, I think write a couple more, and we'll bring one every episode so Anya can hear it every time.

[Kai Newman]

Okay.

[Unknown]

No, and we'll make them longer, too, so.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kai Newman]

I'm going to kill myself tonight.

[Drew Phillips]

Okay. Drew's high up corner. I'm always intrigued by close friends stories. Who's not allowed to see you grilling zucchini?

[Kai Newman]

That's how I feel about Zamar's close friends. He'll be like ice cream. Like, what? Who. Who can't know you're having a sweet treat right now?

[Drew Phillips]

Why is six gagged?

[Unknown]

Why?

[Drew Phillips]

Because. Seven, eight.

[Kai Newman]

Okay.

[Drew Phillips]

That was at Shea Ports. On Twitter. Y' all merge perfectly at Chick Fil A, but. Y' all merge perfectly at Chick fil A, but why not on the i45?

[Kai Newman]

That's really good.

[Drew Phillips]

That was from Cassidy Jane, and that's all y' all get.

[Kai Newman]

Well, my media of the week is still Just Walk a Thin Line by Fleetwood Mac. Because, I don't know, I just feel like that song and that's all I've been listening to on repeat.

[Drew Phillips]

My media of the week is the Dark Tower one in the Dark Tower series by Stephen Hawking or Stephen King, because my crush really likes it, and so I started listening to it.

[Kai Newman]

That's cute. Oh.

[Drew Phillips]

But no, for real. My media is. I Might Break, But I Won't by Thrilliam Angels Mori Mori. That's all y' all get. And then I've been only listening to the Challenger soundtrack. It's been the score to my life the last three weeks. It's been the soundtrack to my life. So tap in. And then anything. Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross. I started listening to the Social Network soundtrack because every once in a while, like, if I have an album I really, really love, I, like, have to withdraw from it because I'm, like, too, like, dependent on it. And I'm also, like. Like, it's starting to desensitize. Yeah. So I, like, take, like, a tolerance break from it. And. Oh, my God, the Social Network soundtrack is so good, y' all. And I'm back on that. I'm back on that. Good. And my media.

[Kai Newman]

Well.

[Drew Phillips]

Kai, do you have a single song you would like to tell people?

[Unknown]

Movie. Movie. Media. The Before Sun, Before Sunset.

[Drew Phillips]

Oh, yeah, Yeah.

[Unknown]

I had never seen him.

[Drew Phillips]

Really?

[Unknown]

I've never seen them. They're so good.

[Drew Phillips]

We've. We've talked about you not seeing them before. They're so lit, so crazy.

[Unknown]

And actually, in the first one, was.

[Drew Phillips]

That one car way. No, no, no, no, no.

[Unknown]

It's pictured. Link later.

[Drew Phillips]

Yeah, Link later.

[Unknown]

But in the first one, the guy is like, I have this idea for a TV show where we just follow people's lives. Like what you guys are talking about.

[Kai Newman]

Hey, before sunset.

[Unknown]

Yeah, before sunset.

[Drew Phillips]

Are there two or three?

[Unknown]

There's three. And they're 10 years apart every time.

[Drew Phillips]

Were they. Do you know if they were made like. Like years apart or.

[Unknown]

Yeah, they were made over the course of 30 years with the same actors.

[Drew Phillips]

So lit.

[Unknown]

It's. It's really cool.

[Drew Phillips]

So goaded, but. Okay. Well, thanks for listening to this episode of Emergency Intercom. This is the last episode to come. What?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway. Now through June 24th. Score hot summer savings and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags on items like Kinder Bueno, Cheez it Crackers, Oscar Mayer Lunchables, and just Bear chicken bites. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go pickup or delivery subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.