We hate diet coke

Summary

Emergency Intercom: Episode Summary – "We Hate Diet Coke"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Emergency Intercom
• Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips
• Description: A comedy podcast where Enya and Drew navigate humorous and often absurd scenarios, demanding attention with their intense antics.
• Episode: We Hate Diet Coke
• Release Date: October 18, 2024

---

Introduction to Chaos ([01:16] – [03:19])

The episode kicks off with Kai fervently praying for a "good episode," setting a tone of desperation and anticipation for comedic calamities. Drew humorously interprets prayer as a summons for evil, declaring, “It's manifesting evil” ([01:35]). Alisa joins in, revealing a mishap where she forgot to press the record button, adding to the chaotic energy.

Constipation Chronicles ([03:19] – [10:07])

Kai opens up about an intense bout of constipation, humorously blaming pumpkin seeds for his predicament: “It's those goddamn fudgeing pumpkin seeds... I fudgeing hate pumpkin seeds” ([02:15]). The conversation delves into various laxatives and failed attempts to alleviate his discomfort, with Kai describing his struggle as “the most painful thing in my entire life” ([04:10]).

Drew relates by sharing his disastrous experience with magnesium citrate, while Alisa attempts to offer sympathy, mentioning her own trials with suppositories. The discussion highlights the absurdity and discomfort surrounding severe constipation, blending genuine frustration with comedic exaggeration.

Bathroom Battles and Relationship Tensions ([10:07] – [23:59])

The trio navigates the logistics of limited bathroom access within their shared living space. Kai humorously describes their secondary bathroom as the “Nightmare on Elm Street boiler room” ([22:50]), emphasizing its uncleanliness and the strain it places on their routines.

Conflict arises as Kai and Anya (possibly another roommate) clash over bathroom habits, specifically Kai’s habit of locking the door and flushing frequently. Drew injects levity by suggesting that a colostomy bag would be “so over” for Kai, imagining absurd scenarios like Kai using it as a smoke bomb to “evacuate the room” ([06:08]).

Food Fiascos and Wingstop Woes ([23:59] – [36:24])

The conversation shifts to their tumultuous relationship with food, particularly focusing on Wingstop and Diet Coke. Kai laments missing out on ranch dressing, expressing intense disappointment when his order was mishandled: “I ordered Wingstop 3, four nights ago... they only dropped off my Vanilla Coke” ([24:25]).

Drew shares his disdain for blue cheese, further escalating the comedic tension as Kai threatens, “I hope you fucking die” over the culinary mishap ([25:24]). Their exaggerated reactions to food mishaps underscore the podcast’s humorous take on everyday frustrations.

Media and Pop Culture Rants ([36:24] – [57:56])

Transitioning from personal grievances, the hosts engage in a spirited debate about modern media and pop culture. They critique current trends, such as the decline of practical effects in horror movies, lamenting, “I miss when horror movies were like, practical because it... just looks better” ([54:42]).

Drew reminisces about classic horror films like "Nightmare on Elm Street," praising their practical effects despite admitting, “watching it with a developed brain was like, really, really exciting” ([52:25]). The discussion serves as a nostalgic ode to older cinematic techniques, contrasting them with today’s blockbuster norms.

Interpersonal Dynamics and Closing Remarks ([57:56] – End)

As the episode nears its end, tensions flare once more with threats and playful insults flying between Kai and Drew. The hosts touch on personal boundaries, with Alisa attempting to mediate: “You need to respect Drew's boundaries” ([32:03]).

In the concluding moments, they discuss music and depression, with Drew expressing his disillusionment: “This year has been so sad for me... music doesn't sound the same” ([57:31]). Alisa sensitively notes, “That is the scariest symptom of being depressed” ([58:04]), providing a brief but poignant moment amidst the chaos.

The episode wraps up with more comedic banter and unresolved tensions, staying true to the podcast's style of blending humor with candid, often exaggerated personal stories.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Drew Phillips: “Don't let the demons attack us. Let us only be full of laughter and joy and Drew.” ([01:29])
• Kai: “It is so canceled for me. It's over.” ([04:16])
• Alisa: “I hate if you're left-handed. I hate you.” ([33:44])
• Drew Phillips: “If you have to drink water with those little squirts of sugar, you need to die. Natural selection is coming for you.” ([37:57])

Conclusion

"We Hate Diet Coke" is a quintessential episode of Emergency Intercom, showcasing the hosts' ability to turn mundane issues like constipation and beverage preferences into laugh-out-loud moments. Through a blend of personal anecdotes, exaggerated frustrations, and sharp humor, Enya, Drew, and Alisa deliver an engaging and entertaining conversation that keeps listeners hooked from start to finish.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway. Now through June 24th. Score hot summer savings and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags on items like Kinder Bueno, Cheez It Crackers, Oscar Mayer Lunchables, and Just Bear Chicken Bites. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go pickup or delivery subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[Drew]

Want to pull off the season's freshest trends? You just need the right shoes. That's where designer shoe warehouse comes in. Loving wide leg jeans. Pair them with sleek low profile sneakers. Obsessed with the sheer trend. Try it with mesh flats. Feeling Boho comfy sandals. Nail the whole free spirited thing. Find on trend shoes from the brands you love, like Birkenstock, Nike, Adidas and more at dsw. Hi, guys.

[Kai]

Dear heavenly father, please, for the love of God, please, for the love of God, give us a good episode today. I swear to God, like all the good parts, all the nutrients. Please, please, please, please. No.

[Drew]

Don't let the demons attack us. Don't let the demons attack us. Let us only be full of laughter and joy and Drew.

[Alisa]

Guys, I'm back and I up. We started recording an episode and I didn't press record on the audio.

[Drew]

Actually we record and that was proof that prayer is actually. It's manifesting evil. Like you're asking God not to do. You're asking him to do something good for you, but really he's going to give you evil, literally. Why do you only talk to him when you need something from him? I feel like God, literally. Loki. I'm like, God as.

[Alisa]

What is that?

[Kai]

Vibration vibrator. That's her wingbot outside.

[Drew]

Yeah, my writer's mad because I haven't been fucking with her. So she's out the door right now.

[Kai]

And his libido is so low. It's actually so fucking annoying.

[Drew]

I know. I haven't been giving.

[Alisa]

Why is that annoying?

[Kai]

Dude, she won't put out, bro.

[Drew]

Like, putting out for Drew. It's not like you can have sex because you have a stomach full of shit, y' all.

[Kai]

It is so fried for me. So let's like, take it back a few days. I literally, like, like three days ago, I was like, damn. I haven't like, no, not even three days ago. Like a couple days ago.

[Drew]

Like, yeah, it was like by Wednesday.

[Kai]

You were like, damn, I haven't shit in like a Few days. But like, normally when I shit, I can like feel like it. Like, or when I don't shit, I can like feel it like in my guts. Like, it's like horrible. And like, I was like, huh, Like I don't feel that crazy. But then I started doing the math and I was like, oh, my God, I haven't shit since the day before we left for Big Sur. So I was like, oh my God, it has been now 11 days, 11 days to the day that I have not shit. And I was like, oh my fucking God. Like, actually, what is going on with me? And it's those goddamn fudgeing pumpkin seeds. I swear to fucking up. It is. It's the fucking pumpkin seeds. They're fudgeing evil. They're sinister, they're dark sided. I fudgeing hate pumpkin seeds. They taste so goddamn good. But like, they're canceled. I'm canceling pumpkin seeds. Like, I'm canceling eating too many subs.

[Drew]

Oh, I was like, right. It's because they're high in fiber. So if you have too much fiber, you up your belly.

[Kai]

Yeah, they're like so over. And I was just like, oh my God. And I was like, dude, I haven't in like a week.

[Drew]

You know what's crazy is it kind of did constipate me and Big sir, like in Big Sur, I couldn't like poop as easy as I usually do. Usually I wake up and I just take a big nice heaping. And I just wasn't putting that in Big Sur, but I just assumed it was because I was eating hot dogs.

[Alisa]

I personally can't wait for it to come out of Drew.

[Kai]

No, it's canceled. It's literally Kai's twin inside of me. Like, it, like, literally Kai came in and like saw that I was like, giant and he thought I was pregnant.

[Alisa]

She has a little pregnant belly.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

We did go get a. What's it called? What do women get when you. What, like they're working on a house or something? Like, sawing through the wood. Through the wood of the house.

[Kai]

So there's a demon inside of me and I haven't and in 10 days. So I brought out the big guns. I was like, oh, we're getting this out of me tomorrow. So I literally laid on the floor of the bathroom ready for war, y' all. Like, I was really. I was fully prepared to get it out of me. It's like that alien from like Romulus like, breaking out of my guts. Like, I pray to God that would happen to me. And I was like, laying on the floor of the bathroom for literally six hours from like 10am to 4pm and I was like, using saline enemas. I was using glycerin suppositories. I was using mineral oil enemas. And then I was like, oh, like, I'm going to, like, actually get this out of me. And I. This is final option for me. Like, I don't do this often because when this shit happens, it is the most painful thing in my entire life. Like, what I imagine giving childbirth is like. And so I brought out magnesium citrate, y' all, to no fucking avail. It is so canceled for me. It's over.

[Drew]

What's crazy about you saying that about Magni ZM citrate is the only time I've been actually constipated. I asked Drew and he told me to take that. And it was the worst night of my life. Like, I could have done a suppository and I probably would have been like, fine.

[Kai]

No, it's horrible.

[Alisa]

I tried a suppository.

[Kai]

Literally, yes.

[Alisa]

Really?

[Kai]

I was going to try a second one, but it only said use one a day. So I'm going to do another one today. Like, nothing. I'm. I swear to God, nothing is working. And I. I know it's bad because, like I said, I'm dizzy. And I know I'm dizzy because the inside of my colon is fermenting and causing alcohol and I'm literally getting drunk off of my own fumes. Like, it's going straight to my brain. Y' all, wait, if I was in.

[Drew]

Jail, I would just hold my for a long time. Literally pass the time.

[Kai]

And like, oh, my God, I was praying. I was praying that I woke up covered in that. Like, my bowels just released themselves while I was asleep last night so I could literally, like, have some fucking relief. Like, I would have been so happy. I would have been doing, like, snow angels in my fucking turds in bed. Like, new bed, new bedding.

[Drew]

Like, I don't think you would replace your mattress.

[Kai]

I would. I swear to God I would. I was. I swear I was thinking about it last night. I was like, oh, my God, please. Like, I will. Like, I will buy a new two thousand dollar purple mattress. Like, please. Because it, like, has those holes in it. And I was imagining it, like, the poop, and then there's that, like, white powder between every hole that it would have made, like, a pain. Taste it with. I was like, imagining, really wait, because when you.

[Drew]

Okay, this is so gross. But when you take that many laxatives, is your poop just, like, liquid? It's just, like, liquid.

[Kai]

I. I think it's supposed to draw water. Like, it's their stimulants, like, stimulant laxatives, which are supposed to, like, draw water into your colon that, like, liquefies your. And they also cramp your, like, intestines, so it, like, squeezes them out. But I'm pretty sure I just have a seized colon. Like, I'm not kidding. I think I actually do need a pouch. What they're called a colostomy bag, bitch. Oh, my God. If I had a colostomy bag, it would be so over for y' all. Because if you crossed me, I would take that shit off and, like, release the gas in the room like a fucking smoke bomb and, like, evacuate the room. Like, oh, my God.

[Drew]

Well, I think. And I understand that that is a medical necessity for some people. So what I'm about to say is not judging anybody who has that, but if Drew had that, I would be so mad, because I know you would bring it out everywhere. You would, like.

[Kai]

I would show everyone.

[Drew]

You would, like, literally talk about it all the time, and it would be your thing, and you'd be like, oh, I. I don't feel good today. Like, I want to stay home so I can, like, empty my bag.

[Kai]

If I had a colostomy bag when I met Bella Hadid, that's my girl. Like, that's, like, one of my best friends. Like, Bella, hello. That's the first thing I would have shown her. I wouldn't have shown her my colostomy bag. I would have, like, popped it out and been like, yeah, I'm strapped.

[Alisa]

Hell, what are you going to name it when it finally comes up?

[Kai]

Its name is Kai. It's because it looks like Kai.

[Alisa]

It doesn't look like me, y' all.

[Drew]

Like, a little Kai.

[Kai]

Kai. The first thing he said to me was, like, oh, wow. Like, you're looking huge, Drew. He said, you look pregnant. He said, you look pregnant. He said, you look pregnant. And I said, well, I said, he.

[Alisa]

Did look pregnant, though. I did say that.

[Kai]

Y' all. It's so bad. Like, I am. I have a very keen eye on my belt, and I am four loops down when I'm not. Or no, no, no. Yeah, I'm four loops down when I'm normally three belt holes down. So I am so fucking massive and bloated with shit. I'm literally full of shit. Like, I actually am full. Like, I mean, we know.

[Drew]

Are you allowed to, like, go out tonight or, like, do anything?

[Kai]

I'm praying that dancing at the Brat concert, like, relieves some of the stress in my colon.

[Drew]

Maybe all the, like, maybe all of the poppers in the air will, like, yeah, your hole. And you'll just start shitting and, like, exploding.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. That would actually be so iconic if.

[Drew]

I at that girl at the K pop concert who shit herself.

[Kai]

They put me on the big screen at the Brat concert, and I just spread hole and drop a joint.

[Alisa]

The spotlight going on Drew for the Apple Dance, and, like, that's when it releases.

[Kai]

Yeah, I would love that.

[Alisa]

You know that. You know that scene in south park where Randy, like, shits, and it, like, lifts his body off the ground?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Alisa]

That's what I'm imagining.

[Kai]

That's what I want, y' all, I'm really. I am really terrified to pass this because, like, really, what's gonna have to happen here is I'm gonna have to go to the hospital, and the doctor's gonna have to finger the shit out of my fucking ass, because I was gonna do it, but my nails are too long, and I was just like, I can't have shit under my nails. That's a thing. People have to do this. Like, it's, like, a part. It's, like, a reality for a lot of people. And it's fudged up that you would sit here and make fun of me for my issues. I wish my body would work normally. I really do.

[Alisa]

I haven't made fun of Drew once about the huge shit that's stuck inside of him.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Like, literally did the second you came in the house.

[Alisa]

But, Drew, it's going to be, like, the substance where it comes out of your back.

[Kai]

My back?

[Drew]

No, it's.

[Kai]

I mean, you're going to be.

[Drew]

What you're experiencing is your other you is taking all your spinal fluid. So it's with your colon. That's the. That's the effect that's happening to you, is the preview.

[Kai]

It's. No, it's literally stealing my energy, y' all. Like, I'm con. I'm nauseous all the time. My stomach is crazy.

[Drew]

Sue is in your stomach?

[Kai]

No, literally monster. Alisa. Sue. My, like, brain. I'm, like, actually shaking constantly for reasons that I won't explain because it's tmi, but I told in yesterday. Like, it's really up. Okay, I'll explain, because it's crazy, but it feels like I. For the first time, and, like, my legs are shaking. Like, it's Crazy. It's pressing up against my fucking.

[Drew]

You were like, that's tmi. But I was like, oh. Like, I felt bad. I was like, oh, that sucks.

[Kai]

My is literally constantly being gauge. Yeah.

[Alisa]

Like, well, here's the thing. Now that I'm back from New York, I might make you laugh so hard. You shit laughing and squirt laughing.

[Kai]

Yeah, that actually.

[Drew]

Did you go to New York and get like, a magical substance that, like, made you funny?

[Alisa]

No, I've always just. I've always been this way. I've always been my jovial self.

[Kai]

Kaya is funny.

[Drew]

I don't know that I would describe.

[Alisa]

You as joke jovial.

[Drew]

You know, one time.

[Kai]

No, silly. Yeah.

[Alisa]

Yeah.

[Drew]

One time I was at a table with somebody I, like, really respect. And like, I like. It's a peer of mine who I'm like, you are like, amazing. And then I don't know what came over me, but we were all talking about the way we're perceived, and I was like, would you say I'm a happy person? Like, do you see me, like, because we. It's a person I don't see that often, but when I do, I make them laugh and like, whatever. So I was like, do you see me as a happy person? And they were just like, no, no, I don't think they were like, happy is the wrong word. Not happy. And then I was like, but I'm not sad. And they were like, you're not sad, but you're something else. And then it was at a dinner table, and I was like, okay. And then they were like, and you're not mean, but there's something like, you're something. I just don't know the word for you. And I was just like, okay, this isn't fun anymore. Like, I want to move on now.

[Kai]

I'm getting read to filth. Also, I realized that I have seven orders of Wingstop inside of my body right now.

[Drew]

Like, because that's the main thing is all week he's been like, I can't, I can't, I can't. He's eating Wingstop and Jack in the Box.

[Kai]

Because I don't really love Jack in the Box.

[Drew]

Drew loves spreading this little wet tacos.

[Kai]

I do. Those are good.

[Drew]

See, that's what I'm saying. He loves it so much. He loves the little fries.

[Kai]

Shall we go through and stuff, like, my order history. Because we'll see. We can see exactly what I eat.

[Drew]

Jack in the Box. Wingstop. Wing. Stop. Jack in the Box. Wingstop. Jack in the Box. Jack in the box. Wingstop Jack in the box. Wingstop Jack in the box. Jack in the box. Jack in the box.

[Kai]

Simply salad. Emphasis salad.

[Drew]

He hasn't had a salad in almost a month.

[Kai]

Simply salad. Hello.

[Drew]

I can't even get on you, though, because I was really. And we need to move on because we can't talk about food for another 40 minutes. Like, we need to stop. But I don't eat vegetables. I realized, like, vegetables aren't Kai.

[Alisa]

I don't know what that was.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Alisa]

Make a lot of the bomb that I brought to the podcast.

[Kai]

Yeah. Kai is about to pipe bomb and blow us up.

[Drew]

I wouldn't even give a no if we died.

[Alisa]

People say you're not happy.

[Drew]

If I heard. If I heard a bomb start ticking, I'd like. I'm sorry, I'm not running for my life.

[Kai]

Like, what?

[Drew]

Like, if you had one right now, I'd be like, I think my main concern would be Azul. I wouldn't want Azul to die, but I wouldn't be like, no, I feel.

[Kai]

That I would dive under the.

[Drew]

I know, because the idea of running away, like, you know in movies when they're running away from a bomb and, like, they don't get far enough so they fly forward. Like, imagining me do that is too embarrassing. I'd much rather just take it as it lay.

[Alisa]

I have, like, a similar thing, but I know that I would instinctually go to deactivate the bomb. Yeah.

[Kai]

I was thinking I would dive on the bomb.

[Alisa]

Exactly.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Quite literally. Neither of yalls personality trait.

[Kai]

No. I would dive on the bomb.

[Drew]

You guys are serving like. Like, you guys aren't serving that. No, you're not.

[Alisa]

I usually would jump on it. He would curl around it, and then I would get in there and just start deactivating.

[Drew]

Would block all of the explosion, and.

[Kai]

He would walk away because it's as hard as a. Like, Teflon.

[Alisa]

Like, it's getting really hard in there.

[Kai]

Yeah, no, it's fermenting, y' all. I'm dizzy. Constantly hard. Is it Teflon? Devilon? Telfar? Purse? Hello. Well, no, no, no. I need to talk about bombs because we were talking about bomb. No. I used to go fishing with M. 80s. I would throw. When I was like, nine and obsessed with fireworks, I would throw firecrackers into the river and explode.

[Drew]

And there needs to be a designated CPS worker at every house of a Texan.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Like, there just needs to be a worker who checks in once a week to see if kids are doing. Because some of the Shit you say you did as a kid. I'm like, who was around?

[Kai]

It was fun. It was. It was fun. We would laugh about it even. Like we really would.

[Drew]

Well, I decided that I hate a big ass ugly mural and I hate a that records themselves doing an ugly ass mural and gets online to boast about it. Actually, you're destroying the infrastructure of my city. Get that funky ass ugly mural off of that wall. I.

[Kai]

What about a good mural?

[Drew]

Oh, a good mural will set me off. Like, when I see a good mural, I'm like, oh, that's.

[Kai]

What about the pink wall?

[Drew]

The. Well, the pink wall is infinite. Like there's like that to me is that's my infinite.

[Kai]

You know how crazy.

[Drew]

Like the pink wall, like, there is layers. I'll never get to.

[Kai]

Like there's so much culture behind that pink wall. Like, people don't low key.

[Drew]

Like they don't respect it the way they used to. Like, there's no lines. There's no thousands of people gathering to it every day. I don't know what the replacement of it's been. The replacement's been that one place where all the artists do their pop ups for pick photo ops on Fairfax. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's like where the old supreme was. I think it is like they do pop ups now for like Olivia Rodrigo album or Sabrina Carpenter album. That's the new pink wall. Like I think you guys are taking from the pink wall.

[Alisa]

I think my pink wall is like my colon. This is what I think we should do with the pink wall.

[Kai]

We should see.

[Alisa]

We should paint over it, have a huge QR code and then a bunch of different of like the top NFTs. I personally feel like that would be really cool.

[Drew]

NFT still exist?

[Alisa]

Yeah, I think so.

[Drew]

Yeah. Wait, seriously?

[Kai]

Yeah, I think people still trade them.

[Drew]

That's like eating Jack.

[Kai]

Yeah, I wouldn't know though. Like, that is bored ape is not like a crazy thing anymore.

[Drew]

I can't believe that. I still think NFTs are just money laundering.

[Alisa]

Is that the same one or did you get a new apron?

[Drew]

No, it is the same one. It's been in the fridge for three years now.

[Alisa]

Drew's gonna like, his delusion is kicking anything. He's gonna sell that for 100.

[Drew]

He has a beanie baby. Like, it's like the beanie baby delusion.

[Kai]

That will that in my.

[Drew]

No, that will be worth something because in the next 10 years, climate change will evaporate all the water on the planet. So that's why that will happen, not because of what's like on it. It's literally just the water itself.

[Kai]

Stomach hurts.

[Alisa]

I have to. Oh, I forgot. I have to set up. Kai.

[Kai]

Cam my stomach. What the hell do you think you're doing?

[Alisa]

Okay.

[Drew]

Oh, what the are you doing?

[Kai]

It's blocking me.

[Alisa]

No, no, it's just. It'll be subtle.

[Kai]

Kai, it's literally blocking me.

[Alisa]

Okay.

[Kai]

Yeah, it's a piece of.

[Drew]

Hey, so your tripod.

[Kai]

That is a piece of broken.

[Alisa]

Okay, I guess it's broken. But.

[Drew]

Honestly, it's so much better that it didn't work.

[Kai]

Sit the back down. Sit down. Sit with that.

[Alisa]

$3. So I thought I would just save.

[Drew]

But this year. $3? Yeah, no, it was.

[Alisa]

I wanted to have it where it's like blowing out.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Alisa]

Gone. Yeah, I'll figure it out.

[Drew]

Wait, is it seriously not working?

[Alisa]

No, I think it's cuz I'm par. Powering it from this. So it's like. But I'll just do it a different episode.

[Kai]

No, we're doing that. We're keeping all of that.

[Drew]

I know we're keeping it not working.

[Kai]

Well, the geomagnetic storm just happened and for like the past like four days, I was like violently depressed. And I couldn't tell if it was because I have 30 pounds of seven orders of Wingstop inside of my body still. Y' all really, really think about that. I have. Whatever. I won't keep talking about it.

[Drew]

I know.

[Kai]

I was like.

[Drew]

I was like, how much longer can we talk about the literal in your butt?

[Kai]

Like, I could talk about it forever because it's literally the only interesting thing happening in my life right now. But I was like violently depressed and I couldn't tell if it was because of the alcohol that's being made in my colon and I just constantly been drunk or if it's because I'm just like mentally ill and severely depressed. So then I looked up, do geomagnetic storms cause depressions? Or I looked up like, like symptoms of geomagnetic storms or some shit like that. And 37.5% of men that were surveyed in this, like, study said that like, during a geomagnetic storm, know that they were like more depressed. And I was like, way so. Like, I might. That's just like. Yeah, I'm really grasping at straws. I really do think the geomagnetic storm, I think it made me depressed. I think it really did.

[Drew]

No, I think what made us depressed was being in Big Sur and having the time of our life. For three days and then coming back to L. A and being like, we're back here, like, back to this apartment.

[Alisa]

Did you guys feel like you were in big Little Lies?

[Drew]

I've never seen that.

[Kai]

I'm not watching that bunk ass show.

[Alisa]

Wait, why?

[Drew]

I do know I need to watch it, but I'm watching nurse Jackie right now and I've hit a lull. So, dude, I started watching Breaking Bad with Josh.

[Alisa]

It's really good. Breaking bad, I heard, is, like, good. I heard that that's like a good.

[Drew]

Have you seen it?

[Alisa]

Yeah, I've seen it.

[Drew]

Oh, I was re watching it with Josh and I was like, damn, this show is so good. Like, this is crazy. It's like, I think it's the easiest show to binge watch on the planet because re watching it with him yesterday. We watched like three episodes when I wanted to go to bed early, but I couldn't walk away from the tv even though I knew everything that was happening. But I was having one of those moments where I would, like, put the pieces together and remember what was happening next. And literally just sitting there in pure anxiety. Like, oh, my God. Like, literally.

[Kai]

That's how I feel watching Nurse Jackie.

[Drew]

That's how I feel watching you live your life. I'm like, oh, my God. Like this idiot, stupid person.

[Kai]

You really do think I'm stupid. Just wait, though. Just wait. I'll fucking kill everybody in here.

[Drew]

I don't think that'll make you smart.

[Kai]

I'll kill everybody in this fucking room.

[Drew]

Well, last night I was thinking about it and I just don't think I have the kind of life where, like, I was watching a fortnite clip and this kid was like, let me lock in. And he went crazy during this match and, like, saved everybody. And I was thinking about it and I was like, damn, I just don't live the kind of life where I would ever be able to say, I'm going to lock in and successfully lock in. Like, for me, locking in is being too drunk at a party and a photographer comes by and I have to try to act like I'm not fudgeing waste.

[Kai]

That's like. That's locking in that to me.

[Drew]

But that's the only time I'm not locking in where I'm like, sitting down to write and I'm like, hold on, I'm going to lock in and, like, go crazy. It's literally my locking in is that.

[Kai]

When I'm drinking and driving and a cop pulls me over. Oh, bitch, I am locking the fuck and I still haven't been arrested to this day. I've been pulled over five times drunk. They haven't got my ass.

[Drew]

If I found out you were one.

[Kai]

Drinking like a cereal drinking and driver.

[Drew]

Drinking behind my back, that alone would send me somewhere dark and deep in my brain. Second of all, if imagine you drunk driving around like you can't even drive, like sober, you're like a bad driver.

[Kai]

Yeah, no, sometimes I did turn down a one way. When I first moved to la, I turned down a one way and I didn't drive for like seven months.

[Drew]

Yeah, he almost killed all of us in the car. And then instead of like getting us out of the situation, he pulled over on the one way and made me get in the car and fix it. And I did.

[Kai]

Because I'm a champion. I panicked.

[Drew]

I'm a champion.

[Kai]

I panicked. Wingstop is canceled. Take a shot every. Take a shot of Drew's fermented alcohol shit every time I say Wingstop in this episode. Wingstop is over.

[Alisa]

Is this a real thing that you're citing? Like, no. Getting you drunk, making it up.

[Kai]

It could be real, though. I do know it Ferment.

[Alisa]

It's not.

[Kai]

No, I know it does ferment. It makes people gassy. And that's why I blow.

[Alisa]

Have you been farting crazy?

[Kai]

No. That's a scary thing, is he runs.

[Drew]

To the bathroom and what's fucked up is we only have one bathroom in the apartment. So, like, we have one good bathroom and then the bathroom that we refer to as the boiler room.

[Kai]

And it's literally the Nightmare on Elm street boiler room under the fucking school. It's so scary.

[Drew]

Literally just a pile of all my dirty clothes and a basket full of half clean clothes that we all have to, like, climb over to get to this toilet in the corner. And the toilet's all up and nasty and we hate that bathroom. But Drew's been taking the main bathroom.

[Kai]

Dude that broke into the house, shaved his pubes in there and left dark sided energy. Yeah, so we just dry shaved his pubes into my shower. We have not used it since.

[Drew]

Yeah, no, we literally use it as a storage unit.

[Kai]

Scabies and hepatitis B on the floor.

[Drew]

But Drew's been taking the good bathroom. And it's like so annoying because every time he goes in there, I'm just like, fuck. He. Like, if he does shit, that bathroom is going to be like a no contact zone for the next three hours.

[Kai]

Like, it's going to be disgusting.

[Drew]

Like when you said you had done everything you did in the bathroom. When I went in there after, I literally, like, I felt something in the atmosphere. Like, it felt like. Yeah, Like I felt like a ghostly, like, nuclear, radioactive shit environment in there. And I was really scared to be in there.

[Kai]

Nothing came out. So it's a. Okay. It's still safe.

[Drew]

I feel like me and Drew Josh are both gonna get pink eye after you finally.

[Kai]

I pray. I pray so y' all can feel a little bit of the pain that I'm suffering. But Wing Stop is over. Wingstop is over, y' all. I ordered Wingstop 3, four nights ago. Three nights ago. Four nights ago. Three nights ago. And I really was just so excited for the ranch. I was so excited for.

[Drew]

We were having a good night, too.

[Kai]

It was a great night. And we were watching the Bride of Chucky, and I was gonna lay on in his floor and eat my Wingstop with my ranch. And I ordered three ranches this time because I was like, oh, I'm gonna go crazy with the ranch.

[Drew]

Mind you, he hasn't shit for a week at this point.

[Kai]

Yeah, bitch. They haven't. They. They gave me blue cheese. If you are a blue cheese enjoyer, I genuinely. I'm not joking, and I'm sorry if this is problematic. I hope you fucking die. Like, I really. I really do hope you have, like. Like, never mind. I'm not gonna go that far, but die. They gave me three cans of blue cheese, and I was. I almost vomited at the flavor. It, like, actually sent shivers.

[Drew]

You didn't point out it was blue cheese. My high ass would not have known. So I was that up. I was like, I didn't get Wingstop that night, but he did, and he got enough so I could have some. And I was, like, sitting there eating it. And then he goes and eats, and he's like, that's blue cheese. And then I got really insecure because I was that up. I go, oh, my God.

[Kai]

Ew.

[Drew]

Yeah, it is blue cheese. Oh, like, I hate that. And then I just put it back. But later on in the night, when you weren't using it, I, like, went over and I started, like, eating all.

[Kai]

You're a monster. I hope you die. Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Blue cheese is good.

[Alisa]

Really. It's just, like, super funk that smells disgusting to me.

[Kai]

It literally. I mean, it smells, like, toe funky.

[Drew]

But the best cheese smells funky.

[Kai]

Okay, but so I.

[Drew]

The cheese my grandma brings from Honduras smells crazy, but it's.

[Kai]

But that's different. That's, like, good cheese. But that's like foreskin cheese. Let me Get a little bit of that on my Wingstop. Kai.

[Drew]

Do you hear what Josh is watching?

[Kai]

Buzzfeed. But I ordered that fucking ranch. Didn't get it. So I really didn't eat any of my Wingstop because, like, how the fuck are you supposed to eat Wingstop without ranch? So the next night, I had, like, 10 pounds of Wingstop, and I was like, you know what? Like, I'm going to be freaky, and I'm going to order a tub of ranch, and that's it from Wingstop because there's no way they can fudge that up. There's literally no way they can fudge up because they don't sell a tub of fucking blue cheese, because you're a fucking monster freak if you order that. They only sell a tub of Ranch. So I was like, yeah, I'm gonna get that. A cup of ranch. Well, I did a double stop because I also wanted a soda. And I was like, I don't know.

[Drew]

Why you didn't just get a soda from Wingstop.

[Kai]

Yeah, I don't either, but I didn't want them to my order up, and I wanted a Vanilla Coke, and I was being really lazy, and I can recognize that I should have just gone and got this. I know. Don't talk about me. But I ordered a tub of Ranch, and I was like, okay, look, I'm about to feast tonight. I'm really about to feast. They only dropped off my Vanilla Coke. They didn't even go to Wingstop. They charged me the money for the Wing Stop and the tip, and they didn't go to Wingstop and they didn't give me my ranch. Oh, my God. I near had a conniption fit. Like, I really almost had, Like, I almost.

[Drew]

Wait, what did you do? Did you eat it with QP mayo?

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

You did.

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

You ate Wingstop with kewpie mayo.

[Kai]

No, I.

[Drew]

No. I need to insert this picture. The amount of kewpie mayo Drew eats, and he's like, why am I constipated? Nobody should have this much.

[Kai]

It's the pumpkin seeds. It's the pumpkin seeds. That's where it's the pumpkin seeds.

[Drew]

No. Look at this.

[Kai]

Y' all. I actually am declining very rapidly.

[Alisa]

Oh, no. That's disgusting.

[Kai]

No, y' all don't understand kewpie mayo.

[Drew]

He was being, like, frugal because we were all watching.

[Kai]

Because me and Josiah, I was so embarrassed.

[Drew]

We watched Drew squirt, like, literally half a cup of mayo onto a burger before he ate it. And then the next day, when we Brought it up. He was like, that was me being frugal because you guys were all up in my business, so.

[Kai]

Because I knew they were gonna talk about me. And I was right. Had they seen frugal, had they seen seen the real side of my cupy mayo addiction, I think y' all would have put me in rehab because it's really dark sided.

[Drew]

I bought like three bottles the other day.

[Alisa]

Is that the one that comes in like the bowling pin?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Alisa]

Looking thing? Yeah. Yeah, that shit's good.

[Drew]

Honestly, it is really good.

[Alisa]

But like, you can't put too much. You can't be too decadent with it.

[Kai]

Oh, I can.

[Drew]

Drew's very like the who get like crazy with the caviar. Caviar is still the biggest scam ever.

[Kai]

Like, it's nasty.

[Drew]

Y' all are literally paying that much for.

[Kai]

You're eating sperm.

[Drew]

It's literally fish kum dala. Like, it's nasty. Like, you're gross and you're weird as also, like, I don't want some shit that I have to eat off of like a non metal spoon.

[Kai]

I don't want some that comes out of a fish. Actually, I do.

[Drew]

Have you had caviar?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

You don't seem like somebody who's had caviar.

[Kai]

I like the cream and the potato chip, but like the caviar that comes with it. I'm like, girl, like, what is this, dude?

[Drew]

I can't say caviar. I also can't stand oysters anymore. Oysters to my table. I'm throwing up everywhere.

[Alisa]

I like oysters cuz they're an aphrodisiac.

[Drew]

Well, I used to love oysters, but I've been reclaimed by God.

[Alisa]

So I like oysters cuz they're the perfect thing to serve at a sex party.

[Kai]

I was going to say I don't like them.

[Drew]

You would not get invited to a party like that.

[Alisa]

Actually, I get invited to sex parties all the time. I turn the. I turn them down though.

[Kai]

He does. I don't like oysters because I might die if I eat them. Oh, Drew. Oh, like, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I don't get to experience. Yeah, I don't get to experience, like the earthly pleasures, y' all.

[Alisa]

That's so sad.

[Kai]

I will go into anaphylactic shock.

[Alisa]

They're so delicious.

[Kai]

Well up and just try it. I thought about it, but I really do need an epipen for me to like, feel comfortable.

[Drew]

You need to go get tested.

[Kai]

I know. I really do because that was scary and it's crazy that I just, like, roam around not knowing. But I think it could have just been a one off event, but I'm not trying it out.

[Drew]

I used to love oysters, but Drew has a candle that smells like oysters. And I was sitting in his room one time watching a girl on TikTok eat oysters. I was like, damn, oyster sounds so good. But then I smelled Drew candle, and I'm not kidding. It changed my perception of oysters forever. Like now, for the past year and a half, oysters make me sick. They're nasty.

[Kai]

I love in his oyster.

[Drew]

My clam.

[Kai]

Yeah, My claim chowder. Her clam with tuna tartare. Her steamed giant clam.

[Drew]

Y' all were telling that y' all call my coochie like a tuna box. And I was telling somebody that recently, I think it might have been rain and taro. I was like, that's what they call me. They call me tuna box. And they were like, that is so up. And I was like. I was like, laughing, and I was like, no, it's kind of funny. And then they were like, that's crazy. They call you tuna box. You let them call you tuna box? And I was like.

[Kai]

Well, you are. You are tuna box, and you own it now.

[Drew]

Like, I have to. You guys won't stop saying it to me.

[Kai]

I'm not kidding. Never mind. I'll shut the up. India and I have been fighting all week long, y' all. Like, if there's a, like, sinister energy, it's because me and Anya have been beefing, and it's one because I've been flushing the toilet after I use the bathroom. She gets really pissed about that because she wants to go and eat.

[Drew]

I want. I need some.

[Kai]

I can tell you.

[Drew]

I'm like, you keep peeing and flushing. I need that.

[Kai]

Also, I locked the door when I was showering, and she actually got upset. She was like, I want to watch.

[Alisa]

Very toxic.

[Drew]

It's toxic that he's locking the door on.

[Alisa]

You need to respect Drew's boundaries.

[Drew]

He's quite literally locking me out of his life.

[Kai]

Kai, you don't know about my.

[Drew]

You don't know. You don't know our dynamic.

[Alisa]

I'm literally trying to help you. This is why you're. Dude.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

The idea of you jumping out that fast to hit someone, smiling the fastest I've ever seen somebody get up, like.

[Kai]

Smiling about it, too.

[Drew]

It's crazy how much mobility you have with seven pounds of in you.

[Kai]

Oh, what's crazy? I'm not joking. I was at the Gym. And I was.

[Drew]

Made you faster. It's like pushing the. Like, gravity is holding.

[Kai]

It's. My center of gravity is lower, y' all, I was at the gym and I've been really trying hard to put on weight, like muscle. And I was at the gym, like, a few days ago and I was like, damn, I'm like, fucking five pounds heavier. Like, yes. I'm like, putting on weight, bitch. It's because I have, like 30 pounds of shit inside of me, y' all, I swear to God, I'm not eating. Like, I don't give a fuck if it makes me anorexic. I literally swear to God, I'm not eating.

[Drew]

Where I'm gonna go. Every time I. I see you eating, I'm like, where is that gonna go?

[Kai]

I think it's undigested in my stomach right now. I, like, keep burping.

[Alisa]

True. Do you think this is the most stuffed you've ever been?

[Kai]

No. Kai, you filled me a little more.

[Drew]

Ew. Y' all are disgusting. Y' all are repulsive also. Y' all are gluttonous, disgusting, repulsive, evil, sinister, prideful.

[Kai]

Sinister, y' all. I found out. I found out sinister translate to, like, left handed, apparently.

[Alisa]

Yeah.

[Kai]

And it's because they thought left handed people, like, we're closer to the devil.

[Drew]

Go back to that.

[Kai]

Like the left handed people, actually.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

I hate if you're left handed. I hate you.

[Drew]

And if you're ambidextrous, you're the devil.

[Alisa]

We need to start burning witches again so that I can save them, so I can stop it.

[Drew]

Drew would burn faster.

[Kai]

I'm gonna pull your hair. I'm gonna pull it off. I'm gonna pull that wig off your head.

[Drew]

It would explode because of all the gas. Ish. Like in your belly.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

And it'd be like, if somebody put, like, a propane tank on, like, a pile of manure, that's what your body would.

[Kai]

And I'm gonna pull that wig off your head.

[Drew]

Leave it. Okay? It's not a wig.

[Kai]

It's a wig.

[Drew]

Yo, I'm not wearing a wig.

[Kai]

Has been wearing a wig for the last decade.

[Drew]

Why you have to bring that up, bro? It's like, so.

[Kai]

Because you're bald.

[Drew]

Okay, like, okay, seriously, write that down. We're gonna cut that.

[Kai]

You're bald and scary, and that's what.

[Drew]

Stop.

[Kai]

Okay, sorry. Like, well, Diet Coke, y' all. We really have to have an actual, like, a real conversation.

[Drew]

Diet Coke to me, tastes like if I left the gas running on the stove and all of the fumes got to my brain, and then I picked up a Coke to drink it. That's what I think my nose buds would take.

[Kai]

Like, literally. Yo, Helen Keller. Helen Keller's not real. I swear to God. I actually don't think she was real.

[Drew]

I don't either.

[Kai]

Like, she's. She's off number one. If I see Helen Keller, it's on site.

[Alisa]

She was real, and she probably would have been.

[Drew]

She, like, write a book.

[Kai]

How. How would she have been a fan of emergency intercom? She was deaf and blind. Like.

[Drew]

Yeah, if. If you prefer Diet Coke. Actually, no. If you go to a restaurant with me and you have the fucking gall to order a Diet Coke after I order real Coke, and then when it comes to the table, we have to do that weird thing where there's a possibility that you taste it. Diet Coke. That happened last night, and it genuinely set me down a, like, tunnel of rage. I was so mad, and I was looking around at everyone's cup, and I was like, did you get Diet Coke? Did you. Is that what you ordered? Is that real Coke? Try it again. And then the person I was talking to was like, oh, I don't know if this is real Coke or not. Tyrell. He was like, oh, I don't know if this is real Coke or Diet Coke. And in my head, I was like, why the are you ordering Diet Coke? You can't tell the difference.

[Kai]

Canceled, y' all. Like, you're over. Also, like, I really do truly think Diet Coke set women back at least 30 years. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, it. What it's done to, like, girls. Like, it's really over, girl. They have y' all trapped.

[Drew]

You're, like, 23 grams of sugar. Calm the down. Like, that shit literally tastes like asbestos. That Diet Coke to me tastes like if nobody knew I was home and the house had to be fumigated for termites and I was locked in the closet.

[Kai]

Like, that's what you're. No, it really does. It literally tastes like. Like, blood clots.

[Alisa]

You know what I like is just, like, cold water with lemon in it.

[Kai]

Do you know what I like when you shut the up. Exactly. Sorry.

[Drew]

Actually, if you like water, like, cold water with the fruit sitting in it, go die in a fire. Like, I. Oh, I can't stand that. Like, I. People are like, oh, my God, Fancy. When you go and the water is, like, full of.

[Kai]

It's literally lemon pulp.

[Drew]

Like, it's literally. Like, it is contaminated.

[Alisa]

The worst is cucumber.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Alisa]

I feel like it Tastes like vomit.

[Kai]

No, I was about to say when they put lemons, limes, and like, oranges in the water, when you, like, go to a hotel, it literally tastes like I just threw up and I didn't brush my teeth and I just slept with it and I woke up the next day and tasted my breath. Like, that's literally what water with oranges in it tastes like. Have you seen that picture of banana water? I actually want to try banana water. I feel like it might be nice. I feel like banana water.

[Drew]

I don't know if banana.

[Alisa]

Banana water is kind of nice.

[Drew]

Is like, juicy enough to like.

[Alisa]

I had it. It's good. I had it at a poke shop.

[Drew]

At a poke shop where sweet fin.

[Alisa]

It was that sweet fin.

[Drew]

Yeah, they do banana water.

[Alisa]

They didn't. Honestly, it was good.

[Drew]

And like, literally shoot the glass so it explodes like an aquarium.

[Alisa]

No, banana water is good. It was like a nice little surprise.

[Drew]

I hate contaminated water. And if you're the kind of who has to drink water with those little squirts of sugar, you need to die. Natural selection is coming for you.

[Kai]

Ho.

[Drew]

What the is going to happen when teu isn't making that for you anymore?

[Kai]

Still water, like, drinking water with still water is like still water.

[Drew]

Was that like.

[Alisa]

Like, you know what I love? I love cold water and just like a handful of almonds and I'm just like, good for the rest of the day.

[Drew]

Almonds is wood.

[Kai]

What the did you just say that was for?

[Drew]

Orion told me. I'm gonna tell her a story actually. Cuz it's so funny. Orion's really sick right now and I'm an angel. So I went and saw her and brought her soup and stuff. Cuz I'm an angel. And when I saw her, she. Before I left, she was like, I have to tell you about this nightmare I had last night. So she's going in and she was like, to preface this, have you don't have Twitter, so I have to explain this to you. She saw a tweet that it was literally just almond is wood. And she thought it was really funny because it was like a picture of an almond. And all the replies were like, damn, almonds are just wood. Like if you look at them in the texture of them, like, it just tastes like you're eating fucking wood. Somehow that tweet, like infected her brain. And in her dream, she was at her friend's house who had a nut allergy. And when she opened the fridge, her friend's mom was like, like, did you bring nuts in this house. And Orion said she just turned to the mom and went, almond is wood. And in the dream that, like, solved everything and, like, nobody was scared of the nuts anymore. But, yeah, almond is wood. I've been thinking about that. Last night at the jazz night, I had almonds on my charcuterie board. If you give me a charcuterie board and the salami slices are big ass fucking deli slices for a sandwich. I'm going in the kitchen, and I'm stabbing the chefs.

[Alisa]

That's not very demure.

[Drew]

Whoa. 30 is hitting you like a train. God, 30 is running a train on your brain right now.

[Kai]

Speaking of trains, I want to go on the Amtrak across America. I feel like it would be very grounding for me to see all the people. People, yeah. Just, like, look around and just see everybody. Like, I feel like it would be, like, a very sweet moment.

[Alisa]

Have you seen that train in Japan where the seats, like, face the window and you just look at the beautiful.

[Drew]

There's some Amtrak carts that have that too.

[Kai]

It's like, they look like greenhouses or, like.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's like a Foley.

[Alisa]

I love being on a train and just, like, reading a book, it's like.

[Kai]

Like looking out of the window.

[Drew]

The thing is, I get really car sick, so I could never do that. I would, like, actually throw up. Because anytime I'm in my favor in the car and I look at my phone for two seconds, it literally feels like somebody flashbanged me, and I'm like. I close my phone, and I'm like. Like, moving. Like, it feels like a shadow of me is, like, moving back and forth. Like, I'm literally, like, blurring through the window, and I have to look outside.

[Kai]

And, like, natural selection.

[Drew]

Back to reality.

[Alisa]

Drew keeps clutching the baby.

[Kai]

Natural selection.

[Alisa]

Is it kicking?

[Kai]

Yes.

[Drew]

Wait, car sickness. Low key is natural selection. Like, I just wasn't supposed to make. Like, I wasn't supposed to be born in a time with car.

[Kai]

Yeah, you can't adapt. You're failing. Also, what?

[Drew]

Do you know how long it took to travel across the country via horse? I think I said this.

[Kai]

It's like, months.

[Drew]

Six months.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Alisa]

Really?

[Drew]

I don't want to go anywhere.

[Kai]

Wait, are you kidding?

[Drew]

That bad?

[Alisa]

I feel like it should have been two months.

[Drew]

No, six.

[Kai]

No, because, like, once they hit, like, the mountainous area, like, it took.

[Drew]

It's actually really smart, too. I looked it up. I looked it up because I was just, like, it's crazy that I wouldn't, by my own regard, drive across the country. Like, it's something that's on my bucket list I want to do at one point in my life. But every time I've gotten near that, I'm like, that takes too long. Like, I don't want to do that. It sounds like a nightmare. People were dying traveling by horse across the country, and it was because they were like, I want to see the new city. There's a new city across the world. First of all, y' all didn't even have pictures of it, so what the were you going to?

[Kai]

A lot of people were, like. A lot of people European, like, immigrants that were like, oh, I want to go to, like, the gold mines.

[Drew]

Go home. That's where you should have.

[Kai]

No, literally. Literally go back to where you came from.

[Drew]

Like, literally. That is how I feel about, like, European people. I'm like, go back to where you were supposed to go.

[Kai]

Like. Yeah.

[Drew]

What I was gonna say about traveling by horse is humans are actually so smart because if you were traveling from, like.

[Kai]

Like.

[Drew]

Like Seattle to New York or, like, Seattle to Florida, what they would do is they would start heading that way at the beginning of fall so that it was, like, cooler temperatures. And, like, since they're going south, they're getting, like. It's getting cooler in the south, so they don't have to, like, be through any, like, extreme heats or anything. So they could keep it within the range of, like, it being 70 degrees.

[Kai]

We all.

[Drew]

Wait, does everybody know that? Oh, I was like, okay. I'm, like, actually stupid.

[Kai]

No, no.

[Drew]

Because when I saw that, I literally was like, wow, people.

[Kai]

That is, like, hella smart.

[Drew]

I wouldn't have thought about that. I'd be like, bro, it's a nice day out today. Like, I'm gonna start my track. It's 140, and I'd die. Me and my horse would be, like, on the ground, like a Family Guy character, like, in the evening. But you can't do that anymore now because of climate change. You would literally, like, perish because every state would have, like, a different temperature throughout the way.

[Kai]

Yeah. How hot did it used to be back then? Because they were being, like, vags and. Because, like, every time I'm literally, like. Like, 90 degrees, to me, is, like, a good day. I'm like, that's, like, a. Like, a really, really good day. And then I hear, like, local Californians be like, that is so hot. And I'm like, like, you're a.

[Drew]

Well, you're from, like, nasty Texas.

[Kai]

Yeah. No, it's not Nasty Texas is iconic. Like, let, like, it brave of someone.

[Drew]

From Florida being, like, nasty. Texas.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Alisa]

When we went to Texas, you're like, kai, this is it. It's just like, hella freeways and McDonald's.

[Kai]

Yeah, it's really.

[Alisa]

Oh, great.

[Kai]

It's really cool.

[Alisa]

I was expecting to be, like, Friday Night Lights, where it would be, like, football players going through some sort of emotional arc.

[Drew]

I thought it was like. It's not very green. It's, like, dead.

[Kai]

It's always there.

[Drew]

I always imagined it being way greener, like, where you came from. That is Breaking Bad town.

[Kai]

Like. No, it's dead. It's scary. Yeah.

[Drew]

Shut up, dude.

[Kai]

What the is your issue?

[Alisa]

Don't tell him to shut up.

[Kai]

Thank you.

[Drew]

Don't tell me not to tell him to shut up.

[Kai]

Yeah, Kai, don't tell her to. Not the. Shut up. Yeah, but that, like, you can't yell at it.

[Drew]

He's a slut, He's a hoe. He's a freak.

[Kai]

I don't know that.

[Drew]

Got a different girl every day of the week.

[Kai]

You know, I've never heard that.

[Drew]

I gotta let you know that I got a crush on you. How do you not know that song?

[Kai]

No, that's the beat you just played. I thought I just never knew the lyrics. You literally just did that.

[Drew]

It's Lil Kim, bruh.

[Alisa]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

No, I've never heard this.

[Drew]

You've never heard that?

[Alisa]

I've heard it.

[Drew]

Anya, your whiteness is blinding. And you shut the up.

[Alisa]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. And your stupid wig. Wig. I'm gonna rip that off your head.

[Drew]

You need to, like, actually stop mentioning it, because nobody has, like, peeped that yet. Like, nobody knows yet.

[Kai]

I mean, everybody knows now. Your wig. Your stupid wig.

[Drew]

Cut that. I don't have a wig on.

[Kai]

Halloween episode soon.

[Drew]

Y' all are not ready for my costume, dude.

[Kai]

Mine sucks so bad. This year, y' all. I'll face the music, you guys.

[Alisa]

What should I be? I want to be crazy and dress up this year and have fun, and.

[Kai]

You should be this far.

[Alisa]

I should be a fart.

[Drew]

Yeah, you should go get the subs. You should be a better version of yourself.

[Kai]

Okay, you should be.

[Drew]

But that would be the hardest costume for you to ever put.

[Kai]

That would be very hard inside my butt.

[Drew]

He is that. He's already. You got your costume on and everything. Already wearing a nice outfit. How'd you get the smell, Kai?

[Kai]

I have a few good ideas that I'll send you, okay?

[Alisa]

Please. Because I. I do want to, like, finally, for the first time, dress up and have fun and have. And be the Life of the party, you know, because usually I'm just, like, a side character.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. I don't want to go to a party ever.

[Kai]

Yeah, I don't think I want to either.

[Drew]

Like, I don't want to go.

[Kai]

Hopefully I'm not here for Halloween. That would be iconic if I was.

[Drew]

I'm not on this earth anymore.

[Kai]

Who the saw the lobster and thought, like, I want to eat that.

[Drew]

Like, actually, it had to have been, like, an accident. Somebody had to have squished a lobster and, like, been like, oh, there's meat in there. Like, oh, my God.

[Kai]

Like, I'm gonna e. Yeah, because it was, like, peasant food at one point.

[Drew]

It was.

[Kai]

Yeah, like, like, all shellfish were, like, peasants, and then they, like, rebrand. Also, Diamonds are not worth what they say they're worth. They're all fucking lab grown now. Like, they're just really good.

[Drew]

I just never understood diamonds. Like, chill. Like, literally just chill. It's a fucking rock. Like, I just don't. I don't understand the value of it. Like, I know it's because of, like, mining and, like. But, like, I'm like, you're enlightened.

[Kai]

Like, they're. They're really worth, like, absolutely nothing at this point.

[Drew]

Even gold sometimes. Like, I love gold. I, like, love gold.

[Kai]

I love gold.

[Drew]

I like gold for the family aspect of it of, like, a lot of the jewelry I have. Like, I've gotten gifted from my family. It's been passed down. I like it for that aspect. Ho. I'm not buying a new piece of gold jewelry. Are you on meth? Like, I want my used and abused from a pawn shop. Like, I don't want some new. Also, because all of y' all are plating brass knuckles. Like, I don't want that. You. I want brass knuckles. I'm gonna beat the out of Kai with it. Actually. I'm gonna get brass knuckles with my name. Like, instead of it being spiky, it's gonna be my name, like, raised so I can hit people. And, like, my name is imprinted and.

[Alisa]

My teeth fly out. I'm, like, scrambling to pick them up, and I'm trying to put them back in my mouth, and I'm, like, pissing all over myself, and it smells right.

[Drew]

What the are you talking about?

[Alisa]

I'm. I'm adding to your bit about, like, beating me up and stuff. And I'm adding, this isn't a bit.

[Drew]

It's a threat.

[Kai]

B12.

[Drew]

Don't get it twisted.

[Kai]

Neon green. B12 urine.

[Drew]

Is that, like, brat? Like, What?

[Kai]

Yeah. No, my piss is brat coated. After I take B. Compliments.

[Drew]

Half of you hoes going to that concert. I know your pisses brat green.

[Kai]

I know you're. I know your Cooter Bronson is brat green. Like, with the fucking discharge bitch. Like.

[Drew]

Like, I almost just said something so disgusting. I guess you said discharge green. I was gonna say, you lift the clitoral hood and it's like a green emerald because it's just, like, calcified and untouched and very visceral image.

[Kai]

Like clitoral cheese.

[Drew]

I know a lot of y' all aren't cleaning under that hood.

[Kai]

If you drink Diet Coke, I'm gonna kill you. Oh.

[Drew]

Like, this one is so the.

[Kai]

Way coochie is spelled. We'll put it in the episode. I'll read it. Are you.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, I'm reading this. Don't touch. Don't ever reach for my phone again. I'm gonna go through your phone. Can we start going through each other's phones? Actually, no. That would be really toxic.

[Kai]

I don't give a. I don't have on here.

[Drew]

Oh, I'm gonna go through your phone and send myself all the pictures.

[Kai]

Everything I used to be embarrassed of. Like, I'm not embarrassed.

[Drew]

Yeah, I feel like we show each other literally everything. My Tesla robot, when he find out he gonna be helping me wax this cootie cat.

[Kai]

Cootie cat. Drew sigh up.

[Drew]

He has now been promoted. You are now an elite employee.

[Kai]

If you're a man and you work from home, you're gay. Cavemen be like, seven will be my year.

[Alisa]

That's good.

[Kai]

Let's hope fingering is the next pandemic. Hawktow twins makes. Hawktua twins make such good music. Like, talk to a cocktail.

[Alisa]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Cocktua twins dudes be like, I do construction whole time. They're the guy that's holding the stop sign.

[Drew]

Right?

[Kai]

Bet y' all didn't know Winnie the Pooh's grandma was named Poony.

[Drew]

Dude. Last night, before going to the jazz bar, I found a compilation of Drew reading Psyop Corners. And I was laughing the exact amount when I heard them watching the video as I did in real time. And it was starting to freak me out. And I was like, okay, we have to stop watching this because I don't like that. Like, my brain still finds these the same amount of funny as if I have it.

[Kai]

Pretty crazy. Finger me if I'm wrong. But is today Wednesday? What day is it? Wednesday.

[Drew]

It's Tuesday. I have to finger you. Why does Kai get to do It.

[Kai]

I mean, because you always do it and Kai is here.

[Alisa]

Yeah. You know, you, like, give me a shot at fingering you, Drew. Maybe it'll be good.

[Drew]

The thing is, like, a good fingering is lit. A bad fingering. How are you fingering wrong? Yeah, like how are you Totally literally.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Respect, respect.

[Kai]

Like, you gotta get up in there and like the clitoris.

[Alisa]

Wait, how? Let me see. I couldn't see.

[Drew]

You said you have to get into the clip.

[Alisa]

I just like, I want to see the technique.

[Drew]

Stop.

[Kai]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[Drew]

Oh, that was the other thing in the psyop corner thing. Like it was him singing and it made me mad in person the way it did when I was there. In person. Like hearing it on video.

[Alisa]

I keep getting Drew singing the Sundays over like that fucking doll.

[Drew]

Wait, which one?

[Kai]

I haven't seen that yet.

[Drew]

Make me feel dumb.

[Alisa]

You've seen it?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Oh yeah. I do remember this.

[Drew]

Having 17,000 likes. Let the dogs wear wigs. We're gonna get into media of the week. My media of the week is.

[Kai]

We watched Nightmare on Elm street and we.

[Drew]

Watched three movies in a night. We watched Halloween, Nightmare on Elm street, and the Thin Blue Line.

[Kai]

Yeah, I didn't finish the Thin Blue Line. I was in bed before then, but. But no one told me that Nightmare on Elm Street. I mean, like, I knew it was great and I'd seen it before, but like, watching it with a developed brain was like, really, really exciting. And it was so good. Also, no one told me that at the time it was made for $1.1 million, which is $3.3 million in today's money. And like, looking at the practical effects, I'm like, y' all really. We really can't do that today. Why did Joker 2 cost 200 million for dollars? Like, why did it cost $200 million? Like, really make that make sense. Like, cuz they are singing like literally was Gaga's like, my name is Joker.

[Drew]

And I like to sing.

[Kai]

That hurt my ears so bad. Like it actually hurt. Hurt.

[Alisa]

That hurt.

[Drew]

You want me to tell somebody who gives a.

[Alisa]

That sounded like the gates of heaven opening.

[Drew]

Thank you to me. I agree with you though. It literally is crazy. I miss when horror movies were like, practical because it. All the older movies I like, the reason I like them is because they did practical effects. And it just looks better. Even though it's like kind of campy and you're not looking at it being like, that looks so real. It's just cool to know a whole team Came together to make that happen.

[Alisa]

The old Alien movies look so good.

[Kai]

Have you seen Space Odyssey recently?

[Alisa]

No.

[Kai]

It looks like it was literally made in 2023. Like, it's unbelievable. Like, can we, like, go back to making good movies? Because, like, also this is a hot take. But I re watched Halloween movies.

[Drew]

That was a hard one.

[Kai]

I understand, like, the significance and it is an amazing movie. And that shit's boring.

[Drew]

The Halloween is how I feel about Elvis Presley.

[Kai]

Like, literally boring.

[Drew]

I'm like, I respect y' all who fuck with this, but for me, no.

[Kai]

Yeah. I mean, there were some scary ass moments. Like, the car scene got me.

[Drew]

It was just making me laugh too much. Because the way you creep around the house, it just felt like that.

[Kai]

I do creep around. Like Michael Myers, but also English teacher. Please, for the love of God, go watch that goddamn show. I need them to get renewed for four more seasons because it is the funniest thing on television right now. And I don't give a fuck what you're doing. Leave this episode right now and go start watching it because it is so good.

[Drew]

Like, that show is so funny. But they didn't have to do, like, the gay stuff. It probably would have been funnier.

[Kai]

I agree. Like, all the gay is weird.

[Drew]

Like, it's like if. If it was a normal show, it would be like, top time.

[Kai]

Yeah. If they were all normal.

[Alisa]

Why are you guys normal? That isn't cool. I'm sorry, but I'm drawing the you.

[Drew]

You go and follow the being gay, being cool trend. We're gonna follow the getting into the pearly gates of heaven.

[Alisa]

Yeah, it's cool. I'm saying it. I'm being the first one to say that.

[Kai]

God asked me. God said, wings. What is it, like a barbecue or lemon pepper at the pearly Gates. God.

[Drew]

God said, what kind of wings do you want? And I said, lemon pepper, and he kicked me out.

[Kai]

As in lemon pepper or.

[Drew]

I think it's like. It was like, do you want your wings? He's like, yeah, can I get lemon pepper?

[Kai]

Some like that.

[Drew]

I'm gonna have wings out tonight, I think.

[Kai]

Don't do that to me. Really. Please don't.

[Drew]

I'm shitting easy breezy.

[Alisa]

Oh, wait. What the fuck? Can I do a media? It's serious.

[Drew]

Okay. Yeah.

[Alisa]

You guys are so traumatized when I said porn literally four times.

[Kai]

14 times.

[Alisa]

That's pretty funny. Okay. I just wasn't Made for these Times by Brian Wilson. Wait, I'll play it.

[Drew]

You satisfied?

[Alisa]

That's pretty.

[Kai]

It is really, really beautiful.

[Alisa]

It's it's nice to put on when you're feeling down and you want to kind of like, lean into that and have, like, a cathartic exit out of your melancholy state. Just.

[Kai]

Wow, this one feels like vocabulary. I see you.

[Drew]

Have you heard this song?

[Alisa]

Yes. I love that. So.

[Drew]

It would have. Nowhere to go because you're all full. We didn't do media of the week or, like, I don't have music.

[Alisa]

Really? You guys, Drew's belt is hanging on for dear life right now.

[Drew]

The buckle's gonna blow up in Kai's face. All right, well, thank you guys so much for listening.

[Kai]

Did you do media?

[Drew]

I don't. I haven't been listening to music. I'm sad.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

I'm not even kidding. I'm like, this year has been so sad for me. I have it. Like, music doesn't sound the same.

[Kai]

Like, yeah, I made a playlist. Look, I made a playlist, like, probably six months ago.

[Drew]

Oh, I know. It's like, could music please sound good again?

[Kai]

Like, please, please, please, for the love of God, make music sounding. We're just into, like, my.

[Drew]

My favorite used to be to, like, sit in the sauna after working out and listen to new music, and I haven't, like, had a moment in the sauna where I hear a good song and I'm like, oh, my God. Like, I feel so good.

[Alisa]

That is the scariest symptom of being depressed. It's being like, oh, this is just noise.

[Drew]

My one. My one joy is listening to music.

[Alisa]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Like, I know I'm down bad when I'm not waking up and playing a.

[Kai]

Song off my Boo who.

[Alisa]

It's really up. I can't even laugh at that. It's, like, up.

[Drew]

When we get off of here, you're gonna. You're gonna learn to never do that to me again.

[Kai]

Hit me. I don't care.

[Drew]

Oh, I'm not hitting you. I'm gonna stab you.

[Kai]

Stab me. I don't care. Maybe it'll release some of the gas.

[Drew]

I'm gonna stab you in your colon.

[Kai]

And it's gonna like my bloated goddamn belly.

[Drew]

All right, thanks for watching, guys.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway. Now through June 24th, score hot summer savings and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags on items like Kinder, Bueno, Cheez It Crackers, Oscar Mayer Lunchables, and just Bear chicken bites. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Enjoy savings on top of savings. When you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go pickup or delivery subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.