We hate diet coke

Summary

Emergency Intercom: Episode Summary – "We Hate Diet Coke"

Release Date: October 18, 2024

Hosts: Enya Umanzor & Drew Phillips

Overview: In the "We Hate Diet Coke" episode of Emergency Intercom, hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips delve into a candid and humorous discussion centered around Drew's severe constipation issues, their dietary choices, and the impact these have on their daily lives. The episode is marked by uproarious banter, personal anecdotes, and sharp wit, providing listeners with an engaging exploration of health mishaps intertwined with their characteristic comedic flair.

---

Constipation Chronicles

Drew's Struggle: The episode kicks off with Drew candidly sharing his ongoing battle with constipation. He details the extreme measures he's taken to alleviate his discomfort, highlighting his frustration with certain foods and laxatives.

• Pumpkin Seeds Problem: Drew blames his predicament on pumpkin seeds, humorously declaring, "They're fucking evil, they're sinister, they're dark sided. I fucking hate pumpkin seeds."

• Desperate Measures: Describing his attempts to relieve his constipation, Drew recounts, "I was laying on the floor of the fucking bathroom ready for fucking war... using saline enemas, glycerin suppositories, mineral oil enemas... nothing was working."

Attempted Solutions and Failures: Drew discusses his failed attempts with various laxatives, emphasizing the pain and ineffectiveness he experienced.

• Magnesium Citrate Misadventure: "Magnesium citrate is the only time I've been actually constipated... it was the worst night of my fucking life."

• Colostomy Bag Fantasies: In a humorous twist, Drew fantasizes about needing a colostomy bag, joking, "If I had a colostomy bag, it would be so over for y'all. Because if you crossed me, I would take that shit off and, like, release the gas in the room like a fudgeing smoke bomb."

Impact on Daily Life: The severity of Drew's condition permeates various aspects of their lives, affecting everything from gym routines to social interactions.

• Physical Symptoms: Drew mentions, "I'm dizzy constantly. My stomach is crazy... it's pressing up against my fucking."

• Mental Health Connection: Tying his physical issues to mental health, he ponders, "I was violently depressed. And I couldn't tell if it was because of the alcohol that's being made in my colon... or if it's because I'm just like, mentally ill and severely depressed."

---

Wingstop Woes and Food Fiascos

Obsession with Wingstop: Drew reveals his deep-seated love for Wingstop, particularly his frustration with their orders and sauces.

• Order Mishaps: "They gave me blue cheese... I almost vomited at the flavor... I ordered a tub of Ranch, and they didn't give me my fucking ranch. Oh, my God. I near had a conniption fit."

• Ranch Reliance: His dependence on Ranch is evident as he laments, "Wing Stop is over. Wing Stop is over, y'all."

Mayo and Caviar Critiques: The hosts humorously dissect their disdain for certain condiments and luxurious foods.

• Mayo Madness: Josh shares a story about Drew's "cappy male addiction," stating, "He squirted half a cup of mayo onto a burger before he ate it."

• Caviar and Oysters: Both hosts express their dislike for caviar and oysters, intertwining crude humor with their critiques. Josh bluntly says, "Caviar is still the biggest scam ever," while Drew adds, "I don't like oysters because I might die if I eat them."

---

Relationships and Bathroom Battles

Bathroom Dynamics: The conversation shifts to their shared living space, particularly the tension surrounding bathroom usage.

• Bathroom Hierarchy: Drew takes the preferred bathroom, causing frustration. Josh comments, "Every time he goes in there, I'm just like, fuck. He likes it so much."

• Shaving Shenanigans: An incident where Drew shaved someone's pubes in the bathroom leads to ongoing ghostly tensions. Josh describes, "He broke into the house, shaved his pubes in there, and left dark sided energy."

---

Media Musings and Entertainment Takeaways

Movie Reviews and Critiques: The hosts share their opinions on various films, emphasizing a preference for practical effects over modern CGI.

• Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street: Both hosts critique these classic horror films, with Drew stating, "I rewatched Halloween. That movie's boring," and Josh adding, "It just looks better... it’s cool to know a whole team came together to make that happen."

• Space Odyssey Praise: Contrasting with their critiques, Drew praises the timeless quality of Space Odyssey, remarking, "It looks like it was literally made in 2023."

TV Show Discussions: They briefly touch upon current television trends, expressing desires for shows that resonate more authentically with them.

• Nurse Jackie and Breaking Bad: Kai expresses excitement about Breaking Bad, while Josh comments on struggling to engage with other contemporary shows.

---

Final Thoughts and Closing Banter

Diet Coke Detriments: Aligning with the episode title, the hosts conclude by vehemently denouncing Diet Coke, sharing exaggerated and comical grievances about its taste and impact.

• Taste Torture: Josh vividly describes his distaste, "Diet Coke... tastes like blood clots," while Drew echoes, "Diet Coke is canceled, y'all. It's over."

Humorous Closer: The episode wraps up with rapid-fire jokes and playful threats, maintaining the irreverent and humorous tone throughout.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Drew on Constipation: "[04:02] 'So there's a demon inside of me, and I haven't shat in ten fucking days. So I brought out the big guns... using saline enemas, glycerin suppositories, mineral oil enemas.'"

• Josh on Wingstop: "[26:18] 'I almost just said something so disgusting. I guess you said discharge green.'"

• Drew on Diet Coke: "[38:26] 'Diet Coke is canceled, y'all. Like, you're over.'"

• Kai on Recovery: "[16:32] 'I think my pink wall is like my colon. This is what I think we should do with the pink wall.'"

Conclusion: "We Hate Diet Coke" is a quintessential Emergency Intercom episode, blending personal health struggles with sharp humor and dynamic interactions among the hosts. Through their unfiltered discussions, Enya, Drew, and Kai offer listeners a blend of relatability and laughter, cementing the show's reputation for tackling everyday issues with a comedic twist.

Transcript

[Sponsor Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by US Cellular. Some things are worth waiting for, like getting your diploma or finding the right partner. You know what's not worth waiting for? The cable guy. Fortunately, US Cellular's home Internet is so simple to install, you can do it yourself. And it's just $39.99 per month when bundled with a wireless plan with a three year price lock guarantee. US Cellular home Internet made simple without the waiting terms apply. Visit uscellular.com for details.

[United Airlines Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip [e-mail] okay, I have to tell you, I was just looking on ebay where I go for all kinds of things I love.

[Drew]

And there it was, that hologram trading card. One of the rarest.

[Kai]

The last one I needed for my set.

[Josh]

Shiny like the designer handbag of my dreams. One of a kind. Ebay had it. And now everyone's asking, ooh, where'd you.

[Drew]

Get your windshield wipers? Ebay has all the parts that fit my car. No more annoying, just beautiful.

[United Airlines Announcer]

Whatever you love, find it on eBay. EBay. Things people love.

[Josh]

Hi, guys.

[Drew]

Dear heavenly Father, please, for the love of God, please, for the love of God, give us a good episode today. I swear to God, like all the good parts, all the nutrients.

[Josh]

Please, please, please don't let the demons attack us. Don't let demons attack us. Let us only be full of laughter and joy and Drew.

[Kai]

Shit, guys, I'm back and I fucked up. We started recording an episode and I didn't press record on the audio.

[Josh]

Actually we recorded earlier and that was proof that prayer is actually, it's manifesting evil. Like you're asking God not to do or you're asking him to do something good for you, but really he's going to give you evil, literally. Why do you only talk to him when you need something from him? I feel like God. Low key. I'm like, God as fuck.

[Kai]

What is that?

[Drew]

Vibration? Fucking vibrator. That's her wing bot outside.

[Josh]

Yeah, vibrators mad because I haven't been fucking with her. So she's out the door right now.

[Drew]

And his libido is so low it's actually so fucking annoying.

[Josh]

I know I haven't been giving.

[Kai]

Why is that annoying?

[Drew]

Dude, she won't put out, bro.

[Josh]

Like, putting out for Drew. It's not like you can have sex because you have a stomach full of shit, y'all.

[Drew]

It is so fried for me. So let's, like, take it back a few days. I literally, like, like three days ago, I was like, damn. I haven't like, no, not even three days ago. Like a couple days ago by Wednesday, you were like, damn, I haven't shit in like a few days. But, like, normally when I shit, I can like, feel like it. Like, or when I don't shit, I can, like, feel it, like, in my guts. Like, it's like, horrible. And like, I was like, huh? Like, I don't feel that crazy. But then I started doing the math and I was like, oh, my God, I haven't shit since the day before we left for Big Sur. So I was like, oh, my God, it has been now 11 days, 11 days to the day that I have not shit. And I was like, oh, my fucking God. Like, actually, what is going on with me? And it's those goddamn fucking pumpkin seeds. I swear to have you fucking. It is. It's. It's the fucking pumpkin seeds. They're fucking evil, they're sinister, they're dark sided. I fucking hate pumpkin seeds. They taste so goddamn good. But, like, they're canceled. I'm canceling pumpkin seeds. Like, I'm canceling eating too many subs.

[Josh]

Oh, I was like, right. It's because they're high in fiber. So if you have too much fiber, you fuck up your belly.

[Drew]

Yeah, they're like, so over. And I was just like, oh, my God. And I was like, fuck, dude, I haven't shit in like a week.

[Josh]

You know what's crazy is it kind of did constipate me in Big Sur. Like, in Big Sur, I couldn't, like, poop as easy as I usually do. Usually I wake up and I just take a big, nice fucking heaping shit. And I just wasn't doing that in Big Sur, but I just assumed it was because I was eating hot dog sandwich.

[Kai]

I personally can't wait for it to come out of Drew.

[Drew]

No, I'm excited. It's literally Kai's twin inside of me. Like, it like, literally Kai came in and, like, saw that I was like, giant and he thought I was pregnant.

[Kai]

He has a little pregnant belly.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

We did go get a. What's it called? What do women get when you. What? Like they're working on a house or something. Like, fucking sawing through the wood, through the wood of the house.

[Drew]

So there's a demon inside of me, and I haven't in ten fucking days. So I brought out the big guns. I was like, oh, we're getting this shit out of me tomorrow. So I literally laid on the floor of the fucking bathroom ready for fucking war, y'all. Like, I was really. I was fully prepared to get it out of me. It's like that fucking alien from, like, Romulus, like, breaking out of my fucking guts. Like, I pray to God that shit would happen to me. And I was, like, laying on the floor of the bathroom for literally six hours, from, like, 10am to 4pm and I was, like, using saline enemas. I was using glycerin suppositories. I was using mineral oil enemas. And then I was like, oh, like, I'm going to like, actually get the shit out of me. And I. This is final option for me. Like, I don't do this often, because when this shit happens, it is the most painful fucking thing in my entire life. Like, what I imagine giving childbirth is like. And so I brought out magnesium citrate, y'all, to no fucking avail. It is so canceled for me. It's over.

[Josh]

What's crazy about you saying that about Magni ZM Citrate is the only time I've been actually constipated. I asked Drew, and he told me to take that, and it was the worst night of my fucking life. Like, I could have done a suppository, and I probably would have been like, fine.

[Drew]

No, it's fucking horrible.

[Kai]

You try to suppository.

[Drew]

Literally, yes.

[Kai]

Really?

[Drew]

I was going to try a second one, but it only said use one a day. So I'm going to do another one today. Like, nothing. I'm. I swear to God, nothing is working. And I. I know it's bad because, like, I'm dizzy. And I know I'm dizzy because the shit inside of my colon is fermenting and causing alcohol, and I'm literally getting drunk off of my own fucking shit fumes. Like, it's going straight to my fucking brain, y'all. Wait.

[Josh]

If I was in jail, I would just hold my shit for a long time.

[Drew]

No, literally.

[Josh]

Literally past the time.

[Drew]

And, like, oh, my God, I was praying. I was praying that I woke up covered in shit that, like, my bowels just released themselves while I was asleep last night so I could literally, like, have some fucking relief. Like, I would have been so happy. I would have been doing, like, snow angels in my fucking turds in bed. Like, new bed, new bedding.

[Josh]

Like, I don't think you would replace your mattress.

[Drew]

I would. I swear to God I would. I was. I swear I was thinking about it last night. I was like, oh, my God, please. Like, I will. Like, I will buy a new two thousand dollar purple mattress. Like, please. Because it, like, has those holes in it. And I was imagining it, like, the poop pushing in and then there's that, like, white powder between every hole that it would have made, like, a pink taste it with. I was, like, imagining really bad.

[Josh]

Wait, because when you. Okay, this is so gross. But when you take that many laxatives, is your poop just, like, liquid? It's just like, liquid shit.

[Drew]

I think it's supposed to draw water. Like, they're stimulants. Like, stimulant laxatives, which are supposed to, like, draw water into your colon that, like, liquefies your shit. And they also cramp your intestines so it, like, squeezes them out. But I'm pretty sure I just have a seized colon. Like, I'm not kidding. I think I actually do need a fucking pouch. Whatever they're called. A colostomy bag, bitch. Oh, my God. If I had a colostomy bag, it would be so over for y'all. Because if you crossed me, I would take that shit off and, like, release the gas in the room like a fudgeing smoke bomb and, like, evacuate the room. Like, oh, my God.

[Josh]

Well, I think, and I understand that that is a medical necessity for some people. So what I'm about to say is not judging anybody who has that. But if Drew had that, I would be so fucking mad because I know you would bring it out everywhere. You would. Like, I would show it off everyone. You would literally talk about it all the time, and it would be your thing. And you'd be like, I just don't feel good today. Like, I want to stay home so I can, like, empty my bag.

[Drew]

If I had a colostomy bag when I met Bella Hadid, that's my girl. Like, that's like one of my best friends. Like, Bella, hello. That's the first thing I would have shown her. I wouldn't have shown her my colostomy bag. I would have, like, popped it out and been like, yeah, I'm strapped.

[Kai]

Hell, what are you going to name it when it finally comes out?

[Drew]

Its name is Kai. It's because it looks like Kai.

[Kai]

It doesn't look like me.

[Drew]

Y'all a little.

[Josh]

Kai.

[Drew]

Kai. The first thing he said to me was, like, oh, wow. Like, you're looking huge, Drew.

[Kai]

He said, you look pregnant.

[Drew]

He said, you look pregnant. He said, you look pregnant. And I said.

[Kai]

Well, I said, he did look pregnant, though. I did say that.

[Drew]

Y'all, it's so bad. Like, I am. I have a very keen eye on my belt, and I am four loops down when I'm not. Or no, no, no. Yeah. I'm four loops down when I'm normally three belt holes down. So I am so fucking massive and bloated with shit. I'm literally full of shit. Like, I actually am full. Like, I mean, we know.

[Josh]

Are you allowed to, like, go out tonight or, like, do anything?

[Drew]

I'm praying that dancing at the Brat concert, like, relieves some of the stress in my colon.

[Josh]

Maybe all the, like, maybe all of the poppers in the air will, like, yes, your hole. And you'll just start shitting and, like, exploding.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. That would actually be so iconic if I shit at that concert.

[Josh]

Girl at the K Pop concert who shit herself.

[Drew]

They put me on the big screen at the Brat concert, and I just spread hole and drop a joint.

[Kai]

The spotlight going on Drew for the Apple Dance, and, like, that's when it releases.

[Drew]

Yeah, I would love that, y'all.

[Kai]

You know that scene in south park where Randy, like, shits and it, like, lifts his body off the ground? Yeah, that's what I'm imagining.

[Drew]

That's what I want, y'all. I'm really. I am really terrified to pass this because, like, really, what's going to have to happen here is I'm going to have to go to the hospital, and the doctor's going to have to finger the shit out of my fucking ass, because I was going to do it, but my nails are too long, and I was just like, I can't have shit under my nails. That's a thing. People have to do this. Like, it's, like, a part. It's, like, a reality for a lot of people. And it's fucked up that you would sit here and make fun of me for my issues. I wish my body would work normally. I really do. Yeah.

[Kai]

I haven't made fun of Drew once about the huge shit that's stuck inside of him.

[Josh]

Yeah, like, literally did the second you came in the house.

[Kai]

But, Drew, it's going to be, like, the substance where it comes out of your back.

[Drew]

My back?

[Josh]

No, it's going to be a homoculus thing. Is your other you is taking all Your spinal fluid. So it's with your colon. That's the. That's the effect that's happening to you is the pretty.

[Drew]

It's. No, it's literally stealing my energy, y'all. Like, I'm con. I'm nauseous all the time. My stomach is crazy. No, literally monster. Alisa. Sue. My, like, brain. I'm, like, actually shaking constantly for reasons that I won't explain because it's tmi. But I told any. Yesterday, like, it's really up. Okay, I'll explain because it's crazy. But, bitch, it feels like I. For the first time and, like, my legs are shaking. Like, it's crazy. It's pressing up against my fucking.

[Josh]

You were like, that's tmi. But I was like, oh. Like, I felt bad. I was like, oh, that sucks.

[Drew]

My Is literally constantly being engaged. Yeah. Like, well, here's the thing.

[Kai]

Now that I'm back from New York, I might make you laugh so hard you shit laughing and squirt laughing.

[Drew]

Yeah, that actually.

[Josh]

Did you go to New York and get, like, a magical substance that, like, made you funny?

[Kai]

No, I've always just. I've always been this way. I've always been my jovial self.

[Drew]

Kai is funny.

[Josh]

I don't know that I would describe you as jovial.

[Kai]

Jovial.

[Josh]

You know, one time.

[Drew]

No, silly. Yeah.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Josh]

One time I was at a table with somebody I, like, really respect, and, like, I like. It's a peer of mine who. I'm like, you are, like, amazing. And then I don't know what came over me, but we were all talking about the way we're perceived, and I was like, would you say I'm a happy person? Like, do you see me, like, because we. It's a person I don't see that often, but when I do, I make them laugh and, like, whatever. So I was like, do you see me as a happy person? And they were just like, no, no, I don't think they were like, happy is the wrong word. Not happy. And then I was like, but I'm not sad. And they were like, you're not sad, but you're something else. And then it was at a dinner table, and I was like, okay. And then they were like, and you're not mean, but there's some. Like, you're something. I just don't know the word for you. And I was just like, okay, this isn't fun anymore. Like, I want to move on.

[Drew]

I'm getting ready to filth. Also, I realized that I have seven orders of Wingstop Inside of my body right now, like.

[Josh]

Because that's the main thing is all week he's been like, I can't shit. I can't shit. I can't shit. He's eating fucking Wingstop in Jack in the Box.

[Drew]

Because I don't drew love spreading this fucking room.

[Josh]

He like little wet tacos.

[Drew]

I do. Those are good.

[Josh]

That's what I'm saying. He loves it so much. He loves the little fries. Shall we go through and stuff?

[Drew]

Like, my order history. Because we'll see. We can see exactly what I eat.

[Josh]

Jack in the Box. Wingstop. Wingstop Jack in the Box. Wingstop Jack in the box. Jack in the box. Wingstop Jack in the box. Wingstop. Jack in the Box. Jack in the Box. Jack in the box.

[Drew]

Simply salad. Emphasis on salad.

[Josh]

He hasn't had a salad in almost a month.

[Drew]

Simply salad. Hello.

[Josh]

I can't even get on you, though, because I was really. And we need to move on because we can't talk about food for another 40 minutes. Like, we need to fucking stop. But I don't eat fucking vegetables. I realized, like, vegetables aren't.

[Kai]

I don't know what that was.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Make a lot of the bomb that I brought to the podcast.

[Drew]

Yeah. Kai is about to pipe bomb and blow us up.

[Josh]

I wouldn't even give a fuck.

[Drew]

No. If we died.

[Kai]

Like, people say, you're not happy.

[Josh]

If I heard. If I heard a bomb start ticking, I like, I'm sorry. I'm not running for my life.

[Drew]

Like, what?

[Josh]

Like, if you had one right now, I'd be like, fuck. I think my main concern would be a Zool. I wouldn't want a Zool to die, but I wouldn't be like.

[Kai]

No. I feel that I would dive under the bomb. I know.

[Josh]

Because the idea of running away. Like, you know in movies when they're running away from a bomb and, like, they don't get far enough so they fly forward. Like, imagining me do that is too embarrassing. I'd much rather just take it as it lays.

[Kai]

I have, like, a similar thing, but I know that I would instinctually go to deactivate the bomb. Yeah.

[Drew]

I was saying I would dive on the bomb.

[Kai]

Oh, exactly.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Quite literally. Neither of your personality traits.

[Drew]

No, I would dive on the bomb.

[Josh]

You guys aren't serving like savior. Like, you guys aren't serving that. No, you're not.

[Kai]

The hero would jump on it. He would curl around it, and then I would get in there and just start deactivating.

[Josh]

Would block all of the explosion, and he would walk away.

[Drew]

Because it's as hard as a. Like Teflon.

[Kai]

Like it's getting really hard in there.

[Drew]

Yeah, no, it's fermenting, y'all. I'm dizzy constantly. Teflon. Teflon. Telfar. Purse. Hello. Well, no, no, no. I need to talk about bombs because we were talking about bombs. No, I used to go fishing with M. 80s. I would throw. When I was like 9 and obsessed with fireworks, I would throw firecrackers into the river and explode.

[Josh]

And there needs to be a designated CPS worker at every house of a Texan. Yeah, like there just needs to be a worker who checks in once a week to see if kids are doing. Because some of the shit you say you did as a kid, I'm like, who was around.

[Drew]

It was fun. It was, it was.

[Josh]

People laugh about it.

[Drew]

We would laugh about it even. Like we really would.

[Josh]

Well, I decided that I hate a big ass ugly mural and I hate a. That records themselves doing an ugly ass mural and gets online to boast about it. Actually, you're destroying the infrastructure of my fucking city. Get that funky ass ugly mural off of that wall. I.

[Drew]

What about a good mural?

[Josh]

Oh, a good mural will like set me off. Like when I see a good mural, I'm like, oh, that's.

[Drew]

What about the pink wall?

[Josh]

Well, the pink wall is infinite. Like there's like that to me is. That's my infinite. You know how crazy is like the pink wall? I'm like, there is the layer two.

[Drew]

I'll never get to like, there's so much culture behind that pink wall. Like, people don't understand people low key.

[Josh]

Like they don't respect it the way they used to. Like, there's no lines. There's no thousands of people gathering to it every day. I don't know what the replacement of it's been. The replacement's been that one place where all the artists do their pop ups for pick photo ops on Fairfax. Do you know what I'm talking about? There's like where the old supreme was. I think it is like they do pop ups now for like Olivia Rodrigo album or Sabrina Carpenter album. That's the new pink wall. Like think you guys are taking from the pink wall.

[Kai]

I think my pink wall is like my colon. This is what I think we should do with the pink wall.

[Josh]

We should see.

[Kai]

We should paint over it, have a huge QR code and then a bunch of different of like the top NFTs. I personally feel like that would be.

[Josh]

Really cool and if you still exist.

[Kai]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

[Josh]

Wait, seriously?

[Drew]

Yeah, I think people still trade them.

[Josh]

That's like eating Jack.

[Drew]

Yeah, I wouldn't know, though. Like, that is bored ape is not, like, a crazy thing anymore.

[Josh]

I can't believe that. I still think NFTs are just money laundering.

[Kai]

Is that the same one or did you get a new apron?

[Josh]

No, it's the same one. It's been in the fridge for three years now.

[Kai]

Drew's gonna, like, his delusion is kicking, and he thinks he's gonna sell that for 100.

[Josh]

He has a beanie baby. Like, it's like the beanie baby delusion.

[Drew]

That will. That in my.

[Josh]

No, that will be wor. Earth something. Because in the next 10 years, climate change will evaporate all the water on the planet. So that's why that will happen, not because of what's, like, on it. It's literally just the water itself.

[Drew]

Y'all, my stomach hurts.

[Kai]

I have to. Oh, I forgot. I have to set up. Kai.

[Drew]

Cam, my stomach hurts. What the hell do you think you're doing?

[Kai]

Okay.

[Josh]

What the are you doing?

[Drew]

It's blocking me.

[Kai]

No, no, it's just. It'll be subtle.

[Drew]

Kai, it's literally blocking me.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's a piece of.

[Josh]

Hey. So your tripod.

[Drew]

That is a piece of shit.

[Kai]

Okay. I guess it's broken, but all right.

[Josh]

Honestly, it's so much better that it didn't work.

[Drew]

Sit the back down. Sit down. Sit with that.

[Kai]

It's $3, so I thought I would just save.

[Josh]

Was this your thing? $3?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Josh]

No, it wasn't.

[Kai]

I wanted to have it where it's, like, blowing up and it's gone. Yeah, I'll figure it out.

[Josh]

Wait, is it seriously not working?

[Kai]

No, I think it's because I'm powering it from this, so it's, like, fucked, but I'll just do it a different episode.

[Drew]

No, we're doing that. We're keeping all of that.

[Josh]

I know we're keeping it not working.

[Drew]

Well, the geomagnetic storm just happened, and for, like, the past, like, four days, I was, like, violently depressed. And I couldn't tell if it was because I have 30 pounds of shit, seven orders of Wingstop inside of my body still. Y'all really, really think about that. I have. Whatever. I won't keep talking about it.

[Josh]

I know. I was. I was like, how much longer can we talk about the literal shit in your butt?

[Drew]

Like, I could talk about it forever because it's literally the only interesting thing happening in my life right now, but I was, like, violently depressed. And I couldn't tell if it was because of the alcohol that's being made in my colon and I just constantly been drunk or if it's because I'm just like, mentally ill and severely depressed. So then I looked up, do geomagnetic storms cause depressions? Or I looked up, like symptoms of geomagnetic storms or some shit like that. And 37.5% of men that were surveyed in this study said that, like, during a geomagnetic storm know that they were like, more depressed. And I was like, wait. So like, I'm like, that's just like, yo, I'm really grasping at straws. I really do think the geomagnetic storm, I think it made me depressed. I think it really did. Saturday.

[Josh]

No, I think what made us depressed was being in Big Sur and having the time of our life for three days and then coming back to LA and being like, we're back here. Like, back to this apartment. Hey, guys, we'd like to take a break to thank today's sponsor, Seat Geek. It's finally fall, which means it is the perfect time to start going to concerts. I feel like I usually go to the most concerts at the end of the year. It's just everybody's ending up their tour, they're landing in LA and I will be going to see them, and I will be getting my tickets from SeatGeek. Everyone can use our code Intercom10 and get 10% off any tickets on SeatGeek, whether you're a new customer or not. You can not only do concerts, but they do sports festivals. You frickin Name it SeatGeeks. Got it.

[Drew]

No matter how many times you've bought tickets using SeatGeek before, Intercom 10 is going to get you 10% off your next order. So take your phone out, open the SeatGeek app and add code INTERCOM10 to your account. Literally. What are you waiting for? Do it now. Because this offer is only available for a limited time.

[Josh]

Hey, let's take a break for today's sponsor, Shopify. Listen, before Shopify, when I was first selling my merch, I had no idea what I was going to do about the website. Literally, that was the last thing on my mind. Especially because I was a young idiot and I am still a young idiot and coding is just not in my DNA. Setting up a website is the last thing I would ever be able to do on my own. But Shopify just makes it so, so easy.

[Drew]

Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that skims or aloe Uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.comintercom all lowercase go to shopify.comintercom to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.comintercom did you guys feel like you.

[Kai]

Were in Big Little Lies?

[Josh]

I've never seen that.

[Drew]

Not watching that bunk ass show.

[Kai]

Wait, why?

[Josh]

It's funny. I do know I need to watch it, but I'm watching Nurse Jackie right now and I've hit a L, so. Dude, I started watching Breaking Bad with Josh.

[Kai]

It's really good. Breaking Bad, I heard, is, like, good. I heard that that's, like, a good show.

[Josh]

Have you seen it?

[Kai]

Yeah, I've seen it.

[Josh]

I was rewatching it with Josh. I was like, damn, this show is so good. Like, this is crazy. It's like, I think it's the easiest show to binge watch on the planet because rewatching it with him yesterday, we watched like three episodes when I wanted to go to bed early, but I couldn't walk away from the tv even though I knew everything that was happening. But I was having one of those moments where I would, like, put the pieces together and remember what was happening next. And literally just sitting there in pure anxiety. Like, oh, my God. Like, literally.

[Drew]

That's how I feel watching Nurse Jackie.

[Josh]

That's how I feel watching you live your life. I'm like, oh, my God. Like this idiot, stupid person.

[Drew]

You really do think I'm stupid. Just wait, though. Just wait. I'll fucking kill everybody in here.

[Josh]

I don't think that'll make you smart.

[Drew]

I'll kill everybody in this fucking room.

[Josh]

Well, last night I was thinking about it and I just don't think I have the kind of life where, like, I was watching a Fortnite clip and this kid was like, let me lock in. And he went crazy during this match and, like, saved everybody. And I was thinking about it and I was like, damn. I just don't live the kind of life where I would ever be able to say, I'm going to lock in and successfully lock in. Like, for me, locking in is being too drunk at a party and a photographer comes by and I have to try to act like I'm not fucking wasted.

[Drew]

That's like. That's locking in that to me.

[Josh]

But that's the only time I'm not locking in where I'm like, sitting down to write and I'm like, hold on. I'm going to lock in and, like, go crazy. It's literally my locking in is that.

[Drew]

When I'm drinking And driving. And a cop pulls me over. Oh, bitch, I am locking the fuck. And I still haven't been arrested to this day. I've been pulled over five times drunk. They haven't got my ass.

[Josh]

If I found out you were one.

[Drew]

Drinking like cereal drinking and driver drinking.

[Josh]

Behind my back, that alone would send me somewhere dark and deep in my brain. Second of all, imagine you drunk, driving around like you can't even drive. Like, sober. You're like a bad driver.

[Drew]

Yeah, no. Sometimes I did turn down a one way. When I first moved to la, I turned down a one way and I didn't drive for like seven months.

[Josh]

Yeah, he almost killed all of us in the car. And then instead of, like getting us out of the situation, he pulled over on the one way and made me get in the car and fix it. And I did.

[Drew]

Because I'm a champion. I panicked.

[Josh]

I'm a champion.

[Drew]

I panicked. Wingstop is canceled. Take a shot every. Take a shot of Drew's fermented alcohol shit every time I say Wingstop in this episode. Wingstop is over.

[Kai]

Is this a real thing that you're citing? Like, no. Shit. Getting you drunk. Okay.

[Drew]

Making it up. It could be real, though. I do know it ferment.

[Kai]

It's not.

[Drew]

No, I know it does ferment. It makes people gassy. And that's why I blow.

[Kai]

Have you been farting crazy?

[Drew]

No. That's a scary thing, is he runs.

[Josh]

To the bathroom and what's fucked up is we only have one bathroom in the apartment. So, like, we have one good bathroom and then the bathroom that we refer to as the boiler room.

[Drew]

And it's literally the Nightmare on Elm street boiler room under the fucking school.

[Josh]

It's so scary. Literally just a pile of all my dirty clothes and a basket full of half clean clothes that we all have to, like, climb over to get to this toilet in the corner. And the toilet's all up and nasty and we hate that bathroom. But Drew's been taking the dude that.

[Drew]

Broke into the house, shaved his pubes in there and left dark sided energy.

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Drew]

So we just dry shaved his pubes into my shower. We have not used it since.

[Josh]

Yeah, no, we literally use it as a storage unit.

[Drew]

Scabies and hepatitis B on the floor.

[Josh]

But Drew's been taking the good bathroom. And it's like, so annoying because every time he goes in there, I'm just like, fuck. He like, if he does shit, that bathroom is going to be like a no contact zone for the next few hours.

[Drew]

Like, it's going to be disgusting.

[Josh]

Like when you said you had done everything you did in the bathroom. When I went in there after, I literally, like, I felt something in the atmosphere. Like, it felt like. Yeah, I felt like a ghostly, like, nuclear, radioactive shit environment in there. And I was really scared to be in there.

[Drew]

Nothing came out. So it's okay. It's still safe.

[Josh]

I feel like me and Josh are both going to get pink eye after you finally.

[Drew]

I pray. I pray so y'all can feel a little bit of the pain that I'm suffering. But Wing Stop is over. Wing Stop is over, y'all. I ordered Wingstop 3, four nights ago. Three nights ago. Four nights ago. Three nights ago. And I really was just so excited for the ranch. I was so excited.

[Josh]

We were having a good night, too.

[Drew]

It was a great night. And we were watching the Bride of Chucky, and I was going to lay on in his floor and eat my Wingstop with my ranch. And I ordered three ranches this time because I was like, like, oh, I'm going to go crazy with the ranch.

[Josh]

Mind you, he hasn't for a week at this point.

[Drew]

Yeah, they haven't. They. They gave me blue cheese. If you are a blue cheese enjoyer, I genuinely. I'm not joking and I'm sorry if this is problematic. I hope you die. Like, I really. I really do hope you have, like. Like, never mind. I'm not going to go that far, but. Die, bitch. They gave me three cans of blue cheese and I was. I almost vomited at the flavor. It's like, actually since Shivers, you didn't.

[Josh]

Point out it was blue cheese. My high ass would not have known this. I was that up. I was like, I didn't get wings up that night, but he did. And he got enough so I could have some. And I was, like, sitting there eating it. And then he goes and eats and he's like, that's blue cheese. And then I got really insecure because I was that up and I go, oh, my God. Ew. Yeah, it is blue cheese. Oh, like, I hate that. And then I just put it back. But later on in the night when you weren't using it, I like, went over and I started, like, eating all the.

[Drew]

You're a monster. I hope you die. Oh, my God.

[Josh]

Blue cheese is good.

[Kai]

Really? It's just like super funk that smells disgusting to me.

[Drew]

It literally.

[Josh]

I mean, yeah, tofun, but the best cheese smells funky.

[Drew]

Okay, but so I.

[Josh]

The cheese my grandma brings from Honduras smells crazy, but it's.

[Drew]

But that's different. That's, like, good cheese, but that's like foreskin cheese. Let me get a little bit of that on my wing. Stop. Kai.

[Josh]

Do you hear what Josh is watching? Top 10 ways that you hate me.

[Drew]

Buzzfeed. But I ordered that fucking ranch. Didn't get it. So I really didn't eat any of my Wingstop because, like, how the fuck are you supposed to eat Wingstop without Ranch? So the next night, I had, like, 10 pounds of Wingstop, and I was like, you know what? I'm gonna be freaky, and I'm gonna order a tub of ranch, and that's it from Wingstop because there's no way they can that up. There's literally no way they can up because they don't sell a tub of blue cheese, because you're a monster freak if you order that. They only sell a tub of Ranch. So I was like, yeah, I'm gonna get that. A cup of ranch. Well, I did a double stop, because I also wanted a soda, and I was like, I don't know why you.

[Josh]

Didn'T just get a soda from Wingstop.

[Drew]

Yeah, I don't either, but I didn't want them to my order up, and I wanted a vanilla Coke, and I was being really lazy, and I can recognize that I should have just gone and got this. I know. Don't talk about me, but I ordered a tub of Ranch, and I was like, okay, look, I'm about to feast tonight. I'm really about to feast. They only dropped off my vanilla Coke. They didn't even go doing stuff. They charged me the money for the Wingstop and the tip, and they didn't go to fucking Wingstop, and they didn't give me my fucking ranch. Oh, my God. I near had a conniption fit. Like, I really almost had, like, I almost.

[Josh]

What did you do? Did you eat it with kewpie mayo?

[Drew]

No.

[Josh]

You did.

[Drew]

No.

[Josh]

You ate Wingstop with kewpie mayo.

[Drew]

No, I.

[Josh]

No. I need to insert this picture. The amount of kewpie mayo Drew eats, and he's like, why am I constipated? Nobody should have this much.

[Drew]

It's the pumpkin seeds. It's the pumpkin seeds. I swear it's the pumpkin seeds.

[Josh]

No. Look at this.

[Drew]

Y'All. I actually am declining very rapidly.

[Kai]

Oh, no, that's disgusting.

[Drew]

No, y'all don't understand kewpie mayo.

[Josh]

He was being, like, frugal because we were all watching, because me and Josiah.

[Drew]

I was so embarrassed.

[Josh]

We watched Drew squirt, like, literally half a cup of mayo onto A burger before he ate it. And then the next day when we brought it up, he was like, that was me being frugal because you guys were all up in my business, so.

[Drew]

Because I knew they were gonna talk shit about me, and I was right. Had they seen frugal, had they seen the real side of my cupy male addiction, I think y'all would have put me in rehab because it's really dark sided.

[Josh]

I bought, like, three bottles the other day.

[Kai]

Is that the one that comes in, like, the bowling pin?

[Josh]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Looking thing? Yeah, yeah, that shit's good.

[Josh]

Honestly, it is really good.

[Kai]

But, like, you can't put too much. You can't be too decadent with it.

[Drew]

Oh, I can.

[Kai]

Drew's very, like, the.

[Josh]

Who get, like crazy with the caviar. Caviar is still the biggest scam ever.

[Drew]

Like, it's nasty.

[Josh]

Y'all are literally paying that much for.

[Drew]

You're eating sperm, bitch.

[Josh]

Literally, like, fish kum de law. Like, it's nasty. Like, you're gross and you're weird as also, like, I don't want some that I have to eat off of, like, a non metal spoon.

[Drew]

I don't want some that comes out of a fish. Actually, I do.

[Josh]

Have you had caviar?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

You don't seem like somebody who's had caviar.

[Drew]

I like the cream and the potato chip, but, like, the caviar that comes with it, I'm like, girl, like, what is this, Dude?

[Josh]

I can't stand caviar. I also can't stand oysters anymore. Oysters to my table. I'm throwing up, everybody.

[Kai]

I like oysters because they're an aphrodisiac.

[Josh]

Well, I used to love oysters, but I've been reclaimed by God.

[Kai]

So I like oysters because they're the perfect thing to serve at a sex party.

[Drew]

I was gonna say I don't like them.

[Josh]

You would not get invited to a party like that.

[Kai]

Actually, I get invited to sex parties all the time. I turn the. I turn them down, though.

[Drew]

He does. I don't like oysters because I might die if I eat them. Oh, Drew. Oh, like, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I don't get to experience. Yeah, I don't get to experience, like, the earthly pleasures y'all do.

[Kai]

So sad.

[Drew]

I will go into anaphylaxis.

[Kai]

They're so delicious.

[Drew]

Well, up and down.

[Josh]

You just try it.

[Drew]

I thought about it, but I. I really do need an epipen for me to, like, feel comfortable.

[Josh]

You need to go get tested.

[Drew]

I know. I really do, because that was scary. And it's crazy that I just, like, roam around not knowing. But I think it could have just been a one off event, but I'm not trying it out.

[Josh]

I used to love oysters, but Drew has a candle that smells like oysters. And I was sitting in his room one time watching a girl on Tick Tock eat oysters. I was like, damn, oyster sounds so good. But then I smelled Drew's candle, and I'm not kidding, it changed my perception of oysters forever. Like now, for the past year and a half, Oysters make me sick. They're nasty.

[Drew]

I love India's oyster.

[Josh]

My clam.

[Drew]

Yeah, my clam chowder. Her clam with tuna tartare. Her steamed giant clam.

[Josh]

Y'all, Were we telling that y'all call my coochie like a tuna box? And I was telling somebody that recently, I think it might have been rain in tarot. I was like, that's what they call me. They call me tuna box. And they were like, that is so fud up. And I was like. I was, like, laughing, and I was like, no, it's kind of funny. And then they were like, that's crazy. They call you tuna box. You let them call you tuna box? And I was like.

[Drew]

Well, you are. You are tuna box, and you own it now.

[Josh]

Like, I have to. You guys won't stop saying it to me.

[Drew]

I'm not kidding. No, I'll shut the fuck up. India and I have been fighting all week long, y'all. Like, if there's, like, sinister energy, it's because me and Anya have been beefing, and it's one because I've been flushing the fucking toilet after I use the bathroom. She gets really fucking pissed about that because she wants to go and eat.

[Josh]

I want. I need some. I keep telling him. I'm like, you keep peeing and flushing it. I need that.

[Drew]

Also, I locked the door when I was showering, and she actually got upset. She was like, I want to watch.

[Kai]

Very toxic.

[Josh]

It's toxic that he's locking the door on.

[Kai]

You need to respect Drew's boundaries.

[Josh]

He's quite literally locking me out of his life.

[Drew]

Kai, you. You don't know about my.

[Josh]

You don't know our dynamic.

[Kai]

I'm literally trying to help you. This is why you're fucked, dude.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Yeah. The idea of you jumping up that fast to hit someone, that's the fastest I've ever seen somebody get up, like.

[Drew]

Smiling about it, too.

[Josh]

It's crazy how much mobility you have with seven Pounds of in you.

[Drew]

Oh, what's crazy? I'm not joking. I was at the gym and I was.

[Josh]

Made you faster. It's like pushing the, like, gravity is holding.

[Drew]

It's. My center of gravity is lower, y'all. I was at the gym and I've been really trying hard to put on weight, like muscle. And I was at the gym like a few days ago and I was like, damn, I'm like fucking five pounds heavier. Like, yes. I'm like, putting on weight, bitch. It's because I have like 30 pounds of shit inside of me, y'all. I swear to God, I'm not eating. Like, I don't give a fuck if it makes me anorexic. I literally swear to God, I'm not.

[Josh]

Eating until you gonna go. Every time I see you eating, I'm like, where is that gonna go?

[Drew]

I think it's undigested in my stomach right now. I like, keep burping.

[Josh]

Ew. Ew.

[Kai]

Drew, do you think this is the most stuffed you've ever been?

[Drew]

No, Kai, you filled me a little more.

[Josh]

Ew. Y'all are disgusting. Y'all are repulsive also. Y'all are gluttonous, disgusting, repulsive, evil, sinister, prideful, sinister, y'all.

[Drew]

I found out. I found out. Sinister translate to, like left handed, apparently. And it's because they thought left handed people, like, were closer to the devil.

[Josh]

We'll go back to that.

[Drew]

Like, the fuck left handed people, actually. I hate if you're left handed, bitch. I hate you.

[Josh]

And if you're ambidextrous, you're the devil.

[Kai]

We need to start burning witches again so that I can save them, so I can stop it.

[Josh]

Drew would burn faster.

[Drew]

I'm gonna pull your fucking hair. I'm gonna pull it off. I'm gonna pull that fucking wig off your head.

[Josh]

Explode. Because of all the gasses, like, in your belly.

[Drew]

Yeah, and it would be nuke.

[Josh]

It'd be like if somebody put like a propane tank on, like a pile of manure, that's what your body would.

[Drew]

And I'm going to pull that fucking wig off your head.

[Josh]

Leave it. Okay? It's not a wig.

[Drew]

It's a wig, y'all.

[Josh]

I'm not wearing a wig.

[Drew]

Has been wearing a wig for the last decade.

[Josh]

Why you have to bring that up, bro? It's like, so.

[Drew]

Because you're fucking bald, bitch.

[Josh]

Okay, like, okay, seriously, write that down. We're going to cut that.

[Drew]

You're bald and scary.

[Josh]

That's okay.

[Drew]

Sorry. Like, well, Diet Coke, y'all. We really have to have an actual. Like, a real conversation.

[Josh]

Diet Coke, to me, tastes like. If I left the gas running on the stove and all of the fumes got to my brain and then I picked up a Coke to drink it, that's what I think my taste buds.

[Drew]

Would taste like, literally. Yo, fuck Helen Keller, bitch. Helen Keller is not real. I swear to God. I actually don't think she was real.

[Josh]

I don't either.

[Drew]

Like, she's. She's OP number one bitch. If I see Helen Keller, it's fucking on site.

[Kai]

She was real, and she probably would have been a fan of emergency intercom.

[Josh]

She, like, write a book.

[Drew]

How. How would she have been a fan of emergency intercom? She was deaf and blind. Like.

[Josh]

Yeah, if you prefer Diet Coke. Actually, no. If you go to a restaurant with me and you have the fucking gall to order a Diet Coke after I order real Coke, and then when it comes to the table, we have to do that weird thing where there's a possibility that you taste it, that happened last night, and it genuinely set me down a, like, tunnel of rage. I was so mad, and I was looking around at everyone's cup, and I was like, did you get Diet Coke? Did you. Is that what you ordered? Is that real Coke? Try it again. And then the person I was talking to was like, oh, I don't know if this is real Coke or not. Tyrell. He was like, oh, I don't know if this is real Coke or Diet Coke. And in my head, I was like, why the are you ordering diet? You can't tell the difference.

[Drew]

Canceled, y'all. Like, you're over. Also, like, I really do truly think Diet Coke set women back at least 30 years. Like, I'm not kidding. Like, it. What it's done to, like, girls. Like, it's really over. They have y'all trapped.

[Josh]

Fucking, like, 23 grams of sugar. Calm the fuck down. Like, that shit literally tastes like fucking asbestos. That Diet Coke to me. Tastes like if nobody knew I was home and the house had to be fumigated for fucking termites and I was locked in the closet.

[Drew]

Like, that's what. No, it really does. It literally tastes like blood clots.

[Kai]

You know what I like is just, like, cold water with lemon in it.

[Drew]

Do you know what I like when you shut the fuck up?

[Kai]

Exactly.

[Drew]

Sorry.

[United Airlines Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience With Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip [e-mail].

[Drew]

So you're getting hungry. Really hungry. Head to jackinabox and pick up a Smash Jack. It's a juicy, delicious smashed burger topped with cheese, pickles, grilled onions, and boss sauce. And it's now available on Sourdough.

[Kai]

The Smash Jack.

[Drew]

Only a Jack in the box. Order one on the Jack app today.

[Sponsor Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by Allstate. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like, you know, to check the date of the big game first before you accidentally buy tickets on your 20th wedding anniversary and have to spend the next 20 years of your marriage making up for it. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate Savings. Vary terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

[Josh]

Actually, if you like water, like, cold water with the fruit sitting in it, bitch, go fucking die in a fire. Like, I. Oh, I can't stand that. Like, people are like, oh, my God, when you go and the water is, like, full of shit.

[Drew]

It's literally full of lemon pulp.

[Josh]

Like, it's literally like, it is contaminated.

[Kai]

The worst is cucumber. Yeah, I feel like it tastes like vomit.

[Josh]

Also, literally.

[Drew]

No, I was about to say when they put lemons, limes, and, like, oranges in the water, when you, like, go to a hotel, bitch, it literally tastes like I just threw up and I didn't brush my teeth and I just slept with it and I woke up the next day and tasted my breath. Like, that's literally what water with oranges in it tastes like. Have you seen that picture of banana water? I actually want to try banana water. I feel like it might be nice. I feel like banana water might.

[Josh]

I don't know if banana.

[Kai]

Banana water is kind of nice.

[Josh]

Is, like, juicy enough to like.

[Kai]

I had it. It's good. I had it at a poke shop.

[Josh]

At a poke shop where it. Sweet Fin.

[Kai]

It was at Sweet Fin.

[Josh]

Yeah, they do banana water.

[Kai]

They didn't. Honestly, it was good.

[Josh]

I'm gona go in there and, like, literally shoot the glass so it explodes like an aquarium.

[Kai]

Banana water is good. It was like, a nice little surprise.

[Josh]

I hate contaminated water. And if you're the kind of who has to drink water with those little squirts of sugar. You need to die. Natural selection is coming for you. Ho.

[Drew]

What the is going to happen when.

[Josh]

TEU isn't making that for you anymore?

[Drew]

Still water. Like drinking water with lime. Still water is like still water.

[Josh]

Is that like.

[Drew]

Like.

[Kai]

You know what I love? I love cold water and just, like, a handful of almonds, and I'm just, like, good for the rest of the day.

[Josh]

Almonds is wood.

[Drew]

What the did you just say?

[Josh]

I'm gonna tell her a story, actually, because it's so funny. Orion's really sick right now, and I'm an angel. So I went and saw her and brought her soup and stuff because I'm an angel. And when I saw her, she. Before I left, she was like, I have to tell you about this nightmare I had last night. So she's going in. And she was like, to preface this, have you don't have Twitter, so I have to explain this to you. She saw a tweet that it was literally just almond is wood. And she thought it was really funny because it was like a picture of an almond. And all the replies were like, damn, almonds are just wood. Like, if you look at them in the texture of them, like, it just tastes like you're eating wood. Somehow that tweet, like, infected her brain. And in her dream, she was at her friend's house who had a nut allergy. And when she opened the fridge, her friend's mom was like, like, did you bring nuts in this house? And Orion said, she just turned to the mom and went, almond is wood. And in the dream that, like, solved everything and, like, nobody was scared of the nuts anymore. But, yeah, almond is wood. I've been thinking about that. Last night at the jazz night, I had almonds on my charcuterie board. If you give me a charcuterie board. And the salami slices are big ass deli slices for a sandwich. I'm going in the kitchen and I'm stabbing the chefs.

[Kai]

That's not very demure.

[Josh]

Whoa. 30 is hitting you like a train. God, 30 is running a train on your brain right now.

[Drew]

Speaking of trains, I want to go on the Amtrak across America. I feel like it would be very grounding for me to see that would be all the people. Yeah, just, like, look around and just see everybody. Like, I feel like it would be, like, a very sweet moment.

[Kai]

Have you seen that train in Japan where the seats, like, face the window and you can just look at the beautiful.

[Josh]

There's some Amtrak carts That have that too.

[Drew]

It's like they look like greenhouses or like.

[Josh]

Yeah, it's like a fully.

[Kai]

I love being on a train and just like, reading a book.

[Drew]

It's like, like looking out of the window.

[Josh]

The thing is, I get really car sick, so I could never do that. I would, like, actually throw up. Cuz anytime I'm in my. In the car and I look at my phone for two seconds, it literally feels like somebody flashbanged me and I'm like. I close my phone and I'm like, like moving. Like, it feels like a shadow of me is, like, moving back and forth. Like, I'm literally, like, blurring through the window and I have to look outside and like, back to reality.

[Kai]

Drew keeps clutching the baby.

[Drew]

Natural selection.

[Kai]

Is it kicking?

[Drew]

Yes.

[Josh]

Wait, car sickness. Low key is natural selection. Like, I just wasn't supposed to make. I wasn't supposed to be born in a time with car.

[Drew]

Yeah, you can adapt. You're failing. Also. What?

[Josh]

Bitch. Do you know how long it took to travel across the country via horse? I think I said this.

[Drew]

It's like, months.

[Josh]

Six months.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Really?

[Josh]

I don't want to go anywhere.

[Drew]

Wait, are you kidding?

[Kai]

I feel like it should have been two months.

[Josh]

No, Six months.

[Drew]

No, because, like, once they hit, like, the mountainous area, like, it took.

[Josh]

It's actually really smart, too. I looked it up. I looked it up because I was just like, it's crazy that I wouldn't, by my own regard, drive across the country. Like, it's something that's on my bucket list. I want to do at one point in my life. But every time I've gotten near that, I'm like, that takes too long. Like, I don't want to do that. It sounds like a nightmare. People were dying traveling by horse across the country, and it was because they were like, I want to see the new city. There's a new city across the world. First of all, y'all didn't even have pictures of it, so what the were you going to?

[Drew]

A lot of people were like, a lot of people European, like, immigrants that were like, oh, I want to go to, like, the gold mines.

[Josh]

Go fucking home. That's where you should have.

[Drew]

No, literally, literally go back to where you came from.

[Josh]

Like, literally.

[Drew]

Bitch.

[Josh]

That is how I feel about, like, European people. Like, go back to where you were supposed to go.

[Drew]

Like, yeah.

[Josh]

What I was going to say about traveling by horse is humans are actually so smart. Because if you were traveling from like, like, like Seattle to New York or like, Seattle to Florida, what they would do is they would start heading that way at the beginning of fall so that it was like cooler temperatures. And like since they're going south, they're getting like, it's getting cooler in the south so they don't have to like be through any like extreme heats or anything. So they could keep it within the range of like it being 70 degrees. We all wait, does everybody know that?

[Drew]

No, no.

[Josh]

I was like, okay. I'm like, actually stupid.

[Drew]

No, no, I was.

[Josh]

Cuz when I saw that I literally.

[Drew]

Was like, wow, people, that is like hella smart.

[Josh]

I wouldn't have thought about that. I'd be like, bro, it's a nice day out today. Like I'm going to start my track Arizona. And I'd die, me and my horse would be like on the ground, like a family guy character, like in the heat. But you can't do that anymore now because of climate change. You would literally like perish because every state would have like a different temperature throughout the way.

[Drew]

Yeah. How hot did it used to be back then? Because they were being like fucking badges and pussies. Because like every time I'm literally like, like 90 degrees to me is like a good day. I'm like, that's like a, like a really, really good day. And then I hear like local Californians be like, that is so hot. And I'm like, you're a fucking.

[Josh]

Well, you're from like nasty Texas.

[Drew]

Yeah. No, it's not. Nasty Texas is iconic.

[Josh]

Like, let's like someone from Florida being like nasty Texas.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

When we went to Texas, you're like, kai, this is it. And it's just like hella freeways and McDonald's.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's really cool. Great. It's really cool.

[Kai]

I was expecting to be like Friday Night Lights or be like football players going through some sort of emotional arc.

[Josh]

I thought it was like. It's not very green. It's like dead.

[Drew]

It's always.

[Josh]

I always imagine it being way greener. Like where you came from. That is Breaking Bad town.

[Drew]

Like. No, it's dead. It's scary. Yeah.

[Josh]

Shut up, dude.

[Drew]

Like, what the is your issue?

[Kai]

Don't tell him to shut up.

[Drew]

Thank you.

[Josh]

Don't tell me not to tell him to shut up.

[Drew]

Yeah, Kai, don't tell her to not to shut up. Yeah, but that like you can't yell at anything.

[Josh]

He's a, he's a hoe. He's a freak.

[Drew]

I don't know that.

[Josh]

Got a different girl every day of.

[Drew]

The week, you know, I've never Heard that.

[Josh]

I gotta let you know that I got a crush on you. How do you not know that song? I, I, I know that's the beat you just played.

[Drew]

I thought I just never knew the lyrics. You literally just did that.

[Josh]

It's Lil Kim, bro.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah.

[Drew]

No, I've never heard this.

[Josh]

You've never heard that?

[Kai]

I've heard it on you.

[Josh]

Your whiteness is blinding.

[Drew]

And.

[Josh]

And you shut the up.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. And your stupid wig. I'm going to rip that off your head.

[Josh]

You need to, like, actually stop mentioning it, cuz nobody has, like, peeped that yet. Like, nobody knows yet.

[Drew]

I mean, everybody knows now. Your wig, you stupid wig.

[Josh]

Cut that. I don't have a fucking wig On.

[Drew]

Halloween episode soon.

[Josh]

Y'all are not ready for my costume, dude.

[Drew]

Mine sucks so bad this year, y'all. I'll face the music, guys.

[Kai]

What should I be? I want to be crazy and dress up this year and have fun and.

[Drew]

You should be this fart.

[Kai]

I should be a fart?

[Josh]

Yeah, you should go get the subs. You should be a better version of yourself.

[Drew]

Okay, you should be.

[Josh]

But that would be the hardest costume for you to ever put.

[Drew]

That would be very hard inside my butt.

[Josh]

He is that. He's already. You got your costume on and everything. Already wearing a nice outfit. How'd you get the smell, Kai?

[Drew]

I have a few good ideas that I'll send you.

[Kai]

Okay. Please. Cause I do want to, like, finally, for the first time, dress up and have fun and have and be the life of the party, you know? Cause usually I'm just like a side character.

[Josh]

Oh, my God. I don't want to go to a party ever.

[Drew]

Yeah, I don't think I want to either.

[Josh]

Like, I don't want to go.

[Drew]

Hopefully I'm not here for Halloween. That would be iconic if I was.

[Josh]

I'm not on this earth anymore.

[Drew]

Who the fuck saw a lobster and thought, like, I want to eat that?

[Josh]

Like, actually, it had to have been, like, an accident. Somebody had to have squished a lobster and, like, been like, oh, there's meat in there. Like, oh, my God. Like, I'm gonna eat that.

[Drew]

Yeah, because it was like, peasant food at one point. It was, yeah, like, like all shellfish were, like, peasants. And then they, like, rebrand also. Diamonds are not worth what they say they're worth. They're all fucking lab grown now. Like, they're just really good at.

[Josh]

I just never understood diamonds. Like, chill. Like, literally just chill. It's a fucking rock. Like, I just don't I don't understand the value of it. Like, I know it's because of, like, mining and, like. But, like, I'm like, no, you're enlightened.

[Drew]

Like, they're. They're really worth, like, absolutely nothing at this point.

[Josh]

Even gold sometimes. Like, I love gold. I, like, love gold.

[Drew]

I love gold.

[Josh]

I like gold for the family aspect of it. Of, like, a lot of the jewelry I have. Like, I've gotten gifted from my family. It's been passed down. I like it for that aspect. Ho. I'm not buying a new piece of gold jewelry. Are you on meth? Like, I want my shit used and abused from a pawn shop. Like, I don't want some new shit. Also because all of y'all are plating fucking brass knuckles. Like, I don't want that shit. Fuck you. I want brass knuckles. I'm gonna beat the fuck out of Kai with it. Actually, I'm going to get brass knuckles with my name. Like, instead of it being spiky, it's going to be my name, like, raised so I can fucking hit people and, like, my name Brandon imprinted and my.

[Kai]

Teeth fucking fly out. I'm, like, scrambling to pick them up and I'm trying to put them back in my mouth. I'm, like, pissing all over myself and it smells fucking rage.

[Josh]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[Kai]

I'm. I'm adding to your bit about, like, beating me up and stuff.

[Josh]

And I'm adding, like, this isn't a threat.

[Drew]

B12, get it twisted. Neon green B12 urine.

[Josh]

Is that like, brat? Like, what?

[Drew]

Yeah. No, my piss is brat coated. After I take B compliments, half of.

[Josh]

You hoes going to that concert. I know your piss is brat green.

[Drew]

I know. I know your Cooter Bronson is brat green. Like, with the fucking discharge, bitch.

[Josh]

Like, I almost just said something so disgusting. I guess you said discharge green. I was gonna say, you lift the clitoral hood and it's like a green emerald because it's just, like, calcified and untouched. And untouched.

[Kai]

Visceral image.

[Drew]

It's like clitoral cheese.

[Josh]

I know a lot of y'all are cleaning under that hood.

[Drew]

If you drink Diet Coke, I'm gonna kill you. Oh.

[Josh]

Like, this one is so the.

[Drew]

Way coochie is spelled. We'll put it in the episode. I'll read it. Are you reading?

[Josh]

Oh, yeah, I'm reading this. Don't touch. Don't ever reach for my phone again. I'm going to go through your phone. Can we start going through each other's? Phones. Actually, no, that would be really toxic.

[Drew]

I don't give a. I don't have on here.

[Josh]

Oh, I'm gonna go through your phone and send myself all the pictures.

[Drew]

Everything I used to be embarrassed of. Like, I'm not embarrassed.

[Josh]

Yeah, I feel like we showed each other literally everything. My Tesla robot. When he find out he gonna be helping me wax this cootie cat.

[Drew]

Cootie cat, cootie cat. Drew Psyop.

[Josh]

He has now been promoted. You are now an elite employee. Ew. True.

[Drew]

If you're a man and you work from home, you're gay. Cavemen be like, seven will be my year.

[Kai]

That's good.

[Drew]

Let's hope fingering is the next pandemic. Hawk Tow twins makes hawa Twins make such good music. Like tua yeah. Cocktail cockt.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Cocktua twins. Dudes be like, I do construction whole time. They're the guy that's holding the stop sign.

[Josh]

Right?

[Drew]

Bet y'all didn't know Winnie the Pooh's grandma was named Poonani.

[Josh]

Dude. Last night, before going to the jazz bar, I found a compilation of Drew reading Psy Up Corners. And I was laughing the exact amount when I heard them watching the video as I did in real time. And it was starting to freak me out. And I was like, okay, we have to stop watching. Watching this, because I don't like that. Like, my brain still finds these the same amount of funny as if I haven't.

[Drew]

Pretty crazy. Finger me if I'm wrong. But is today Wednesday? What day is it? Wednesday.

[Josh]

It's Tuesday. I have to finger you. Why does Kai get to do it?

[Drew]

I mean, because you always do it. And Kai is here.

[Kai]

Yeah. You know, you, like, give me a shot at fingering you, Drew. Maybe it'll be good.

[Josh]

The thing is, like, a good fingering is lit a bad fingering. Bitch. How are you fingering wrong? Yeah, like, how are you actually wrong?

[Kai]

Actually, totally, literally.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Respect. Respect.

[Drew]

Like, you gotta get up in there and, like, the clitoris.

[Kai]

Wait, how? Let me see. I couldn't see.

[Josh]

You said you have to get into the clitoris.

[Kai]

I just, like. I want to see the technique.

[Josh]

Stop.

[Drew]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Josh]

Oh, that was the other thing in the psyop corner thing. Like, it was him singing, and it made me mad in person the way it did when I was there. In person. Like, hearing on video.

[Kai]

I keep getting Drew singing the Sundays over like, that dog.

[Josh]

I know. Please. Wait, which one?

[Drew]

I haven't seen that yet.

[Josh]

Make me feel dumb.

[Kai]

You've seen it.

[Drew]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I do remember this.

[Josh]

That's having 17,000 likes. Let the dogs wear wigs. We're going to get into media of the week. My media of the week is we.

[Drew]

Watched Nightmare on Elm street and Halloween.

[Josh]

We watched three movies in a night. We watched Halloween, Nightmare on Elm street, and the Thin Blue Line.

[Drew]

Yeah, I didn't finish the Thin Blue Line. I was in bed before then, but no one told me that Nightmare on Elm Street. I mean, like, I knew it was great and I had seen it before, but, like, watching it with a developed brain was, like, really, really exciting. And it was so good. Also, no one told me that at the time it was made for $1.1 million, which is $3.3 million in today's money. And, like, looking at the practical effects, I'm like, y'all really. We really can't do that today. Why did Joker 2 cost $200 million? Like, why did it cost $200 million? Like, really make that make sense. Like, because they are singing, like, literally was Gaga's like, my name is Joker.

[Josh]

And I like to.

[Drew]

That hurt my ears so bad. Like, it actually hurt.

[Kai]

That hurt your ear.

[Josh]

You want me to tell somebody who gives a.

[Kai]

That sounded like the gates of heaven opening.

[Josh]

Thank you.

[Kai]

To me.

[Josh]

I agree with you, though. It literally is crazy. I miss when horror movies were, like, practical, because all the older movies I like. The reason I like them is because they did practical effects. And it just looks better. Even though it's, like, kind of campy and you're not looking at it being like, that looks so real. It's just cool to know a whole team came together to make that happen.

[Kai]

The old Alien movies look so fucking good.

[Drew]

Have you seen Space Odyssey recently?

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

It looks like it was literally made in 2023. Like, it's unbelievable. Like, can we, like, go back to making good movies? Because, like, also this is a hot take. But I rewatched Halloween. That movie's boring.

[Josh]

Is. That was a hard.

[Drew]

And I understand, like, the significance and it is an amazing movie. And da da da, da, da da da da da. That is boring.

[Josh]

Halloween is how I feel about Elvis Presley.

[Drew]

Like, literally boring.

[Josh]

I'm like, I respect y'all who fudge with this, but for me, no.

[Drew]

Yeah. I mean, there were some scary ass moments. Like, the car scene got me.

[Josh]

It was just making me laugh too much. Because the way you creep around the house, it just felt like that.

[Drew]

I do creep around. Like Michael Myers, but also English teacher. Please, for the love of God, Go watch that goddamn show. I need them to get renewed for four more seasons because it is the funniest thing on television right now. And I don't give a fuck what you're doing. Leave this episode right now and go start watching it because it is so good.

[Josh]

Like, that show is so funny. But they didn't have to do, like, the gay stuff. It probably would have been funnier.

[Drew]

I agree. Like, all the gay shit is weird.

[Josh]

Like, it's like if. If it was a normal show, it would be, like, top 10.

[Drew]

Yeah. If they were all normal.

[Kai]

Why are you guys normal? That isn't cool. I'm sorry, but I'm drawing the line.

[Sponsor Announcer]

You.

[Josh]

You go and follow the being gay, being cool trend. We're going to follow the getting into the pearly gates of heaven.

[Kai]

Being gay is cool. I'm saying it. I'm being the first one to say that.

[Drew]

God asked me. God said, wings. What is it, like a barbecue or lemon pepper at the pearly gates. God.

[Josh]

God said, what kind of wings do you want? And I said, lemon pepper. And he kicked me out.

[Drew]

I said, lemon pepper or.

[Josh]

I think it's like. It was like, do you want your wings? He's like, yeah, can I get lemon pepper?

[Drew]

Some like that.

[Josh]

I'm gonna have Wingstop tonight, I think.

[Drew]

Don't do that to me. Really. Please don't.

[Josh]

I'm easy breezy.

[Kai]

What the. Can I do a media? It's serious.

[Josh]

Okay. Yeah.

[Kai]

You guys are so traumatized when I said porn.

[Drew]

Literally 14. You said it 14 times.

[Kai]

That's pretty funny. Okay. I just wasn't Made for these Times by Brian Wilson. Wait, I'll play it.

[Josh]

You satisf.

[Kai]

That's pretty.

[Josh]

It is really nice.

[Drew]

Really beautiful.

[Kai]

It's. It's nice to put on when you're feeling down and you want to kind of like lean into that and have, like, a cathartic exit out of your melancholy state. Just this one feels like that vocabulary.

[Drew]

I see you.

[Josh]

Have you heard this song?

[Kai]

Yes. I love that song.

[Josh]

It would have nowhere to go because you're all full. We didn't do media of the week or, like, I don't have music this.

[Drew]

Joking.

[Kai]

I'm not really. You guys. Drew's belt is hanging on for dear life right now.

[Josh]

The buckle's gonna blow up in Kai's face. All right, well, thank you guys so much for listening.

[Drew]

Did you do media?

[Josh]

I don't. I haven't been listening to music. I'm sad.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Josh]

I'm not even kidding. I'm like, this year has been so sad for me. I haven't. Like, music doesn't sound the same. Like, I made a playlist for music.

[Drew]

Look, I made a playlist, like, probably six months ago.

[Josh]

Well, I know. It's like, could music please sound good again?

[Drew]

Like, please, please, please, for the love of God, make music sounding. We're just into, like, my favorite to.

[Josh]

Be to, like, sit in the sauna after working out and listen to new music. And I haven't, like, had a moment in the sauna where I hear a good song and I'm like, oh, my God. Like, I feel so good.

[Kai]

That is the scariest symptom of being depressed. It's being like, oh, this is just noise.

[Josh]

My one. My one joy is the same to music.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Like, I know I'm down bad when I'm not waking up and playing a.

[Drew]

Song off my boo who.

[Kai]

It's really up. I can't even laugh at that. That's, like, up.

[Josh]

When we get off of here, you're gonna. You're gonna learn to never do that to me again.

[Drew]

Hit me. I don't care.

[Josh]

Oh, I'm not hitting you. I'm gonna stab you.

[Drew]

Stab me. I don't care. Maybe it'll release some of the gas.

[Josh]

I'm gonna stab you in your colon.

[Drew]

And it's gonna, like, loaded goddamn belly.

[Josh]

All right, thanks for watching Gu.