Emergency Intercom: Episode Summary – "We Hate Diet Coke"

Release Date: October 18, 2024

Hosts: Enya Umanzor & Drew Phillips

Overview: In the "We Hate Diet Coke" episode of Emergency Intercom, hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips delve into a candid and humorous discussion centered around Drew's severe constipation issues, their dietary choices, and the impact these have on their daily lives. The episode is marked by uproarious banter, personal anecdotes, and sharp wit, providing listeners with an engaging exploration of health mishaps intertwined with their characteristic comedic flair.

Constipation Chronicles

Drew's Struggle: The episode kicks off with Drew candidly sharing his ongoing battle with constipation. He details the extreme measures he's taken to alleviate his discomfort, highlighting his frustration with certain foods and laxatives.

• Pumpkin Seeds Problem: Drew blames his predicament on pumpkin seeds, humorously declaring, "They're fucking evil, they're sinister, they're dark sided. I fucking hate pumpkin seeds."

• Desperate Measures: Describing his attempts to relieve his constipation, Drew recounts, "I was laying on the floor of the fucking bathroom ready for fucking war... using saline enemas, glycerin suppositories, mineral oil enemas... nothing was working."

Attempted Solutions and Failures: Drew discusses his failed attempts with various laxatives, emphasizing the pain and ineffectiveness he experienced.

• Magnesium Citrate Misadventure: "Magnesium citrate is the only time I've been actually constipated... it was the worst night of my fucking life."

• Colostomy Bag Fantasies: In a humorous twist, Drew fantasizes about needing a colostomy bag, joking, "If I had a colostomy bag, it would be so over for y'all. Because if you crossed me, I would take that shit off and, like, release the gas in the room like a fudgeing smoke bomb."

Impact on Daily Life: The severity of Drew's condition permeates various aspects of their lives, affecting everything from gym routines to social interactions.

• Physical Symptoms: Drew mentions, "I'm dizzy constantly. My stomach is crazy... it's pressing up against my fucking."

• Mental Health Connection: Tying his physical issues to mental health, he ponders, "I was violently depressed. And I couldn't tell if it was because of the alcohol that's being made in my colon... or if it's because I'm just like, mentally ill and severely depressed."

Wingstop Woes and Food Fiascos

Obsession with Wingstop: Drew reveals his deep-seated love for Wingstop, particularly his frustration with their orders and sauces.

• Order Mishaps: "They gave me blue cheese... I almost vomited at the flavor... I ordered a tub of Ranch, and they didn't give me my fucking ranch. Oh, my God. I near had a conniption fit."

• Ranch Reliance: His dependence on Ranch is evident as he laments, "Wing Stop is over. Wing Stop is over, y'all."

Mayo and Caviar Critiques: The hosts humorously dissect their disdain for certain condiments and luxurious foods.

• Mayo Madness: Josh shares a story about Drew's "cappy male addiction," stating, "He squirted half a cup of mayo onto a burger before he ate it."

• Caviar and Oysters: Both hosts express their dislike for caviar and oysters, intertwining crude humor with their critiques. Josh bluntly says, "Caviar is still the biggest scam ever," while Drew adds, "I don't like oysters because I might die if I eat them."

Relationships and Bathroom Battles

Bathroom Dynamics: The conversation shifts to their shared living space, particularly the tension surrounding bathroom usage.

• Bathroom Hierarchy: Drew takes the preferred bathroom, causing frustration. Josh comments, "Every time he goes in there, I'm just like, fuck. He likes it so much."

• Shaving Shenanigans: An incident where Drew shaved someone's pubes in the bathroom leads to ongoing ghostly tensions. Josh describes, "He broke into the house, shaved his pubes in there, and left dark sided energy."

Media Musings and Entertainment Takeaways

Movie Reviews and Critiques: The hosts share their opinions on various films, emphasizing a preference for practical effects over modern CGI.

• Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street: Both hosts critique these classic horror films, with Drew stating, "I rewatched Halloween. That movie's boring," and Josh adding, "It just looks better... it’s cool to know a whole team came together to make that happen."

• Space Odyssey Praise: Contrasting with their critiques, Drew praises the timeless quality of Space Odyssey, remarking, "It looks like it was literally made in 2023."

TV Show Discussions: They briefly touch upon current television trends, expressing desires for shows that resonate more authentically with them.

• Nurse Jackie and Breaking Bad: Kai expresses excitement about Breaking Bad, while Josh comments on struggling to engage with other contemporary shows.

Final Thoughts and Closing Banter

Diet Coke Detriments: Aligning with the episode title, the hosts conclude by vehemently denouncing Diet Coke, sharing exaggerated and comical grievances about its taste and impact.

• Taste Torture: Josh vividly describes his distaste, "Diet Coke... tastes like blood clots," while Drew echoes, "Diet Coke is canceled, y'all. It's over."

Humorous Closer: The episode wraps up with rapid-fire jokes and playful threats, maintaining the irreverent and humorous tone throughout.

Notable Quotes:

• Drew on Constipation: "[04:02] 'So there's a demon inside of me, and I haven't shat in ten fucking days. So I brought out the big guns... using saline enemas, glycerin suppositories, mineral oil enemas.'"

• Josh on Wingstop: "[26:18] 'I almost just said something so disgusting. I guess you said discharge green.'"

• Drew on Diet Coke: "[38:26] 'Diet Coke is canceled, y'all. Like, you're over.'"

• Kai on Recovery: "[16:32] 'I think my pink wall is like my colon. This is what I think we should do with the pink wall.'"

Conclusion: "We Hate Diet Coke" is a quintessential Emergency Intercom episode, blending personal health struggles with sharp humor and dynamic interactions among the hosts. Through their unfiltered discussions, Enya, Drew, and Kai offer listeners a blend of relatability and laughter, cementing the show's reputation for tackling everyday issues with a comedic twist.