208: A Crazy Sexy Hotline Episode

Summary

Every Outfit Podcast Episode 208: A Crazy Sexy Hotline Episode
Release Date: February 14, 2025
Hosts: Chelsea Fairless & Lauren Garrone

---

Introduction

In Episode 208 of the Every Outfit podcast, titled "A Crazy Sexy Hotline Episode," hosts Chelsea Fairless and Lauren Garrone dive into a Valentine's Day-themed Loveline segment. The episode blends the hosts' signature sharp-witted fashion commentary with candid conversations about relationships, dating dilemmas, and personal anecdotes. Throughout the episode, listeners’ calls range from the bizarre to the heartfelt, offering a rich tapestry of insights and humor.

Hosts’ Banter and Shoutouts

The episode kicks off with Chelsea humorously admitting, "[00:04] I spent $40,000 on shoes," immediately setting the tone for their blend of fashion and candid discussions. Shortly after, Lauren mentions a special shoutout their podcast received on Kristen Davis' show, "Are You a Charlotte?" The hosts mockingly critique the portrayal of Miranda from Sex and the City, with Chelsea stating, "[03:23] We spent years of our lives championing Miranda... and then, when Anne came out, we had to speak too."

Listener Calls and Discussions

1. Adrian's Spaghetti Bolognese Incident [04:09]

Adrian from London shares a peculiar sexual encounter where his date incorporated spaghetti Bolognese into their intimate moments. Lauren reacts humorously, "[05:52] I mean, that was the best kind of trauma dumping, honestly," while Chelsea sarcastically suggests, "[06:04] I know that you're not one to kink shame, but I, however, am not above that."

2. Dating a Juggalo [08:35]

A caller discusses dating a Juggalo and the challenges of being in a relationship with someone deeply embedded in a subculture. Chelsea quips, "[08:35] When you say, you're so not a Juggalo, what you mean is, you're so not a Jugglette," highlighting the complexity of such relationships.

3. Favorite and Least Favorite Celebrity Wedding Fashion [12:03]

Listeners inquire about memorable wedding fashion moments. Lauren praises Gwen Stefani’s first wedding dress to Gavin Rossdale while criticizing her second to Blake Shelton. She states, "[13:08] Gwen Stefani's poofy wedding dress to Blake Shelton," contrasting it with her favorite, "[14:10] Christy Hume and Jonathan Leach... very Ren faire."

4. Threesome Dynamics [17:34]

A listener seeks advice on incorporating a threesome into a relationship. The hosts discuss the potential impact on couples, with Lauren advising, "[19:14] It depends what the threesome is," and Chelsea emphasizing the need for open communication, "[21:25] Or you could start by not actively looking for a third..."

5. Wedding Planning Anxiety [22:09]

A caller expresses anxiety over planning a large wedding amidst societal pressures. Lauren offers pragmatic advice, "[24:00] You're going to have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable," while Chelsea reassures, "[25:04] It will be fine."

6. Ghosting via Facebook [26:02]

Margo recounts a breakup where her ex-boyfriend ended the relationship by removing her from his Facebook status, sparking a discussion on digital breakup etiquette. Lauren empathizes, "[28:00] I think ghosting is worse because you don't need a sign of character assassination."

7. Navigating Bi-Dating Post-Divorce [28:45]

A bisexual individual seeks guidance on re-entering the dating scene after a long-term marriage with a woman. Lauren encourages exploring diverse dating pools, "[30:22] You have all lesbians as an option, all straight men," while Chelsea humorously suggests, "[31:07] Go on Field, just to get dick."

8. Wearing a "J'adore Dykes" T-Shirt [32:51]

A caller questions the appropriateness of wearing a provocative LGBTQ+ themed shirt while in a hetero relationship. The hosts address safety and social contexts, with Chelsea advising caution, "[33:57] Like maybe wearing it at a lesbian party that you also bring your boyfriend to."

9. Mutual Proposal Concerns [35:27]

An engaged couple contemplates the idea of proposing to each other instead of traditional one-sided proposals. Chelsea shares her own experience, "[37:12] Who the fuck cares?" while Lauren emphasizes the importance of the couple's comfort, "[36:45] ...they are going to want to hear the proposal story."

10. Engagement Ring Dilemmas [38:53]

A listener seeks advice on choosing an engagement ring without following traditional norms. Chelsea reflects on her own minimalist approach, "[39:01] I have no idea what I would want," whereas Lauren highlights the societal pressures, "[40:32] It's tough."

11. Moving On from Relationships & Sex and the City Insights [42:28]

A listener feels misled by Charlotte’s advice in Sex and the City regarding moving on from relationships. Lauren analyzes social media's impact, "[43:38] ...parasocial relationship with our exes," while Chelsea offers comforting encouragement, "[44:22] You'll find a replacement for this person at some point."

12. Re-entering the Dating Scene Post-Breakup [45:32]

MC from Austin seeks advice on transitioning from one-night stands to meaningful relationships. Lauren compares dating to job searching, "[46:42] It's not that different," while Chelsea emphasizes expanding social circles, "[46:57] Focus on making your social circle bigger."

13. Cold Sores Etiquette in Dating [60:23]

A caller asks about the etiquette of disclosing cold sores during dating. Chelsea recommends honest communication, "[61:05] ...refrain from oral sex if you are having an outbreak," and Lauren adds, "[61:59] Paul's advice to disclose while flirting."

14. Breakup via Typewritten Letter [62:17]

A listener shares a traumatic breakup experience where her ex-boyfriend ended things via a typewritten letter. The hosts condemn the behavior, with Lauren stating, "[63:54] Fuck this guy," and Chelsea expressing deep sympathy, "[65:06] This is all fucked up."

15. Queer Wedding Planning [67:10]

A queer couple seeks advice on wedding planning and non-binary suiting options. Chelsea offers fashion recommendations, "[71:39] ...look for men's suits tailored to your preferences," while Lauren suggests, "[72:01] If you're a queer couple in Maine, elope or have a whole ass wedding."

Conclusion: A Positive Finale

The episode wraps up on a hopeful note with a listener sharing a romantic gesture from her partner, prompting the hosts to encourage listeners to seek meaningful and affectionate relationships. Chelsea concludes, "[75:07] That was gorgeous," while Lauren reinforces the message, "[75:16] ...there are incredible guys and girls out there."

---

Notable Quotes

• Chelsea Fairless: "[00:04] I spent $40,000 on shoes."
• Lauren Garrone: "[05:52] I mean, that was the best kind of trauma dumping, honestly."
• Chelsea Fairless: "[27:50] Yeah, this is such a cowardly way to break up with someone."
• Lauren Garrone: "[30:22] You have all lesbians as an option, all straight men."
• Chelsea Fairless: "[39:01] I have no idea what I would want."

Key Takeaways

• Embrace Communication: Whether dealing with unconventional sexual experiences or navigating divorces and new relationships, open and honest communication is crucial.

• Challenge Societal Norms: The hosts frequently address and challenge traditional expectations around relationships, wedding planning, and personal identity, encouraging listeners to prioritize their comfort and authenticity.

• Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Chelsea and Lauren utilize humor to dissect and discuss complex and often uncomfortable topics, making the conversations relatable and engaging.

• Support and Empathy: Despite their "bitchy" demeanor, the hosts consistently offer empathetic and supportive advice, fostering a sense of community and understanding among listeners.

Final Thoughts

Episode 208 of Every Outfit seamlessly blends fashion insights with deep dives into personal and relational challenges faced by listeners. Chelsea Fairless and Lauren Garrone maintain their unique voice, providing both sharp critiques and heartfelt advice. Whether you're grappling with unconventional dating scenarios, wedding planning stress, or seeking relationship guidance, this episode offers a blend of humor, empathy, and practical advice that resonates with a wide audience.

---

For more detailed discussions and insights, tune into Episode 208 of Every Outfit every Friday.

Transcript

[Chelsea Fairless]

I spent $40,000 on shoes.

[Lauren Garrone]

What's the matter, Morty?

[Caller]

Great gowns. Beautiful gowns.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Fashion has changed.

[Lauren Garrone]

No, it hasn't. Hi, I'm Lauren Garrone. And.

[Chelsea Fairless]

And I'm Chelsea Fairless.

[Lauren Garrone]

And welcome back to another episode of the Every Outfit podcast. This week, I would say, very special episode. It is our hotline Loveline Valentine's Day episode.

[Chelsea Fairless]

All the lines.

[Lauren Garrone]

Thank you to everyone who called in to the hotline. I just want to say if your call was not featured, do not take it personally, please. No, you either Chelsea or myself listens to every single voicemail that comes in. But there's just only so many burger esque breakup calls that we can include.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Also, some of you guys need new cell phone carriers because the audio quality is not giving.

[Lauren Garrone]

Thank you for adding our hotline into your contact list on your cell phone. Maybe don't call us when your phone is paired to your car because we cannot hear you and we don't want to do that. To the other listeners, we have heard your complaints. We know it is hard enough to hear the voicemails as it is. Before we get into this Valentine's Day themed episode, we have some news.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yes, thank you to all the fuckettes that alerted us to the fact that we got a shout out on Kristen Davis podcast, Are youe a Charlotte?

[Lauren Garrone]

And thank you to those who gave us the exact timestamp of when we were mentioned. Not that we don't listen to Are you a Charlotte? It's just the fear that entered our bodies when we learned that we were naked, name checked. It's like we needed to hear exactly what it was before we could go back and enjoy the episode.

[Chelsea Fairless]

So true. It was a very special episode because Michael Patrick King was the guest, AKA Daddy, mpk. And let's just play the clip now. Also, they used to do those giant polls. Which one are you?

[Caller]

Right.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Like the Buzzfeed. It would be like Miranda 9%. And I would be like.

[Lauren Garrone]

That'S total.

[Caller]

Every smart, funny woman I know has a Miranda.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Definitely. And they just don't want to own it.

[Lauren Garrone]

Definitely.

[Caller]

And then years later that, you know.

[Lauren Garrone]

Every outfit on Sex and the City.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Became the champion of Miranda.

[Lauren Garrone]

Right.

[Chelsea Fairless]

We should all be Mirandas.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Only for us to destroy it. And then just like that. I know.

[Caller]

And then they got very upset with us.

[Chelsea Fairless]

But the reality is.

[Lauren Garrone]

Phew. I'll take that.

[Chelsea Fairless]

It should go without saying that Kristin Davis and Michael Patrick King are two of the nicest people on the planet and Lauren and I are full blown cunts. But they are right. We spent years of our lives championing Miranda, repositioning her as the most aspirational character on the show. And then of course, when Anne just like that came out, we had to speak too. The doofusication of Miranda.

[Lauren Garrone]

This kind of sounds like a cosign that they know that they ruined the character of Miranda.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I'm sorry, I don't think this was intended to be an admission of guilt.

[Lauren Garrone]

But that's how I'm taking it. Look, this is the best way we could have been referenced because I was anticipating Daddy MPK being like, fuck them and the horse they rode in on. How dare they speak of this work that I have spent decades doing. And they spend what hours shitting on on their little podcast?

[Chelsea Fairless]

On their sad little podcast? See, he's not even that mean though.

[Lauren Garrone]

No, we do not deserve his niceness. And we are aware of that. I also will say it is his right to do whatever he wants on end. Just like that.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, but also, Lauren, see, you couldn't just leave it there.

[Lauren Garrone]

All right, let's get into the calls.

[Caller]

Hi, Lauren. Hi, Chelsea. Hope you're both well. Adrian here calling from London. So back in my early 20s, I went on a date with this guy who was seemingly perfect. He was dashing, charming, successful, a little older than me, basically everything that a baby gay could possibly hope for. So I went back to his place, this gorgeous townhouse. We started making out. One thing led to another, and we decided to move things to the bedroom. But before we did that, he asked me how open minded I was when it came to mixing sex and food. I naturally assumed he was referring to, you know, the regular stuff. Strawberries, chocolate, whipped cream, blah, blah, blah. So I said, yes, of course, I'm super open minded. He was delighted with my answer and asked me to go over to his bedroom and wait for him there, naked, with my eyes closed, which I promptly obliged. Ten, 20 minutes later, he arrives butt naked. Who? Holding a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese, which he then proceeds to grab fistfuls of and fling at me while pleasing himself. Needless to say, it was quite shocking and I didn't really know what to do, so I kind of just went along with it. He kept asking me to rub the spaghetti on my chest, which seemed to really turn him on. It was quite strange, to say the least. And you know, I'm not one to kink shame. And normally, you know, I tend to be quite open minded, but that was a little too much, if I'm completely honest. But yeah, anyway, yeah, you know what, it's all good. I laugh about it now and that actually inspired me to make my first short film based on that story. So Silver linings. So yeah, that's it. Apologies for trauma dumping on you and hope you have a good day.

[Lauren Garrone]

I mean, that was the best kind of trauma dumping, honestly.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, like let us know if you need us to crowdfund your therapy or something.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yes. And also send us your short that you made about this. We definitely want to see it.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I know that you're not one to kink shame, but I however, am not above that. This is insane. Even though he asked you how you felt about food, it is still very presumptuous to go this far. Also, I was disturbed when you said he was gone for like 10 to 20 minutes. Was he cooking that meal?

[Lauren Garrone]

We do need to bring shame back because people can have too specific of fetishes. I agree with you. I have many follow up questions. Is bolognese better than spaghetti and meatballs? Like, would having a ball made of meat thrown at your body added insult to injury perhaps? Also logistically, is he holding the bowl in the crook of his arm and throwing it and then which hand is he jerking off?

[Chelsea Fairless]

So he's jerking off with the bolognese sauce.

[Lauren Garrone]

Oh, now that's talent.

[Chelsea Fairless]

You are living in your own little version of Sex in the City for sure. But this actually does sound more like Fear Factor.

[Lauren Garrone]

I mean, I think that's the next frontier. Let's mix a show that Sex in the City and Fear Factor.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Like if he's doing this the first time you fudge, what is a long term relationship with this person?

[Lauren Garrone]

Like I didn't even wonder that because I'm just assuming if you are indulging in this behavior, you are assuring you're never going to see this person again or you're meeting the love of your life. I also feel like this call is going to give us all a complex. Every one of us as fuckettes. Because if I'm ever asked if I'm into mixing food and sex, I am now going to have to ask the follow up question. Do you mean strawberries and whipped cream or throwing spaghetti at my naked body?

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, well, there's also the people that are like sexually into force feeding people, which is a truly twisted one. Anyway, praying for you, spaghetti boy.

[Lauren Garrone]

No, he's Adrian.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Praying for you, Adrian. Thank you for sharing this.

[Caller]

Hello, Lauren. Hello, Chelsea. I have a question about past relationships. So in the late 2000s, like right after high school, I dated a juggalo for a few months, and myself am so not a Juggalo. And I truly never dated anyone that was, like, I don't know, so different for me. And I'm wondering, have you ever dated anyone that was completely different from you? That's all Love you guys. Love the pod.

[Chelsea Fairless]

When you say, you're so not a Juggalo, what you mean is, you're so not a Jugglette, because that's what female Insane Clown Posse fans are called.

[Lauren Garrone]

I think Chelsea and I know more than you would expect about Juggalo culture.

[Chelsea Fairless]

It's hard not to be fascinated by it.

[Lauren Garrone]

I do appreciate that she was like, I just need Chelsea and Lauren to know that I'm not a Juggalo.

[Chelsea Fairless]

It is truly one of the least appealing musical subcultures, in my opinion. But they do have a pretty cool look, which is this clown makeup. It's kind of like John Wayne Gacy meets, like, a maga rally.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yes. Although I believe they're anti Trump.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Are they? That's good.

[Lauren Garrone]

To answer your question, yeah, I've never dated anyone with such a subcultural interest that it becomes a 247 lifestyle. Like being a Disney adult or someone that's super into mixed martial arts or someone who might take me to the Gathering of the Juggalos.

[Chelsea Fairless]

You at the Gathering of the Juggalos would do me in forever.

[Lauren Garrone]

Oh, my God. Here's the thing. My own fanfiction about this relationship, Chelsea, is because she says, we only dated for a few months. I like to think that he took her to the Gathering of the Juggalos, and she was like, oh, no, this is too much for me.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, you can't really date someone that is really, really into a subculture that you're not in because they simply spend too much time doing those things, like going to the Gathering of the Juggalos and following ICP around the country and shit.

[Lauren Garrone]

Let us not judge icp. This also, I feel like, extends to people who are way too into the Grateful Dead.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, of course. How much time did he spend painting his face? Did he fuck you while he was in the clown makeup like this? I also need to know.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yeah, maybe she didn't even make it to the Gathering of the Juggalos because one night he just came out in violent J clown makeup, and she was like, this is too much.

[Chelsea Fairless]

But to answer your question about if we have ever dated someone against hype, yes, I very much have. In high school. In fact, I did date a guy that was into ICP and Cannibal Corpse and corn and all of those kinds of bands. He wasn't exclusively into that shit. Like, he also listened to the Velvet Underground or the Smashing Pumpkin. So it wasn't like a full rage rock situation.

[Lauren Garrone]

It was also the late 90s, early 2000s, when you dated this person. So that makes sense for the time period to date. Someone who's very into the Insane Clown posse in the 21st century and in the, like, second decade of the 21st century is intense.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I think what I really need to know is, does someone fall in the center of the Venn diagram of ICP and the Every Outfit podcast? Like, are there any Juggalos or Jugglettes listening?

[Lauren Garrone]

And should we embed ourselves and do a sort of man on the street or Juggalo Juggalette on the street fashion piece at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Like I said, the looks aren't bad.

[Lauren Garrone]

There is decent street style going on.

[Caller]

Hi, ladies. Okay, so Valentine's Day is coming up in, like, a month, and it got me thinking about celebrity weddings. And I was wondering, what are some of your favorite fashion moments from celebrities weddings? And maybe least favorite, too, because Lord knows there are some nightmares out there as well. So I would love your insights into your favorite wedding looks of all time. Let me know. Thanks.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Do you have a least favorite? Because I'm a bitch. But even I was like, I don't know if I can shit on someone's wedding.

[Lauren Garrone]

Oh, I'll shit on someone's wedding dress.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Okay, whose?

[Lauren Garrone]

I will say my least favorite. But I have to say my favorite because they are truly diametrically opposed, which is one of my favorite wedding dresses ever, which I think you will also agree with, is Gwen Stefani's first wedding dress to Gavin Rossdale, the custom John Galliano with the pink ombre. So therefore, one of my least favorite wedding dresses is Gwen Stefani's poofy wedding dress to Blake Shelton.

[Chelsea Fairless]

No, I'm with you on that.

[Lauren Garrone]

There is also a trope that I call Grace Kelly drag. That is also not a favorite trend of mine in wedding dresses, which is all of the celebrity brides that mimic Grace Kelly's iconic wedding dress. There's also been this trend and this controversy. This influencer, Olivia Culpo, got married in this, like, overly, like, conservative wedding dress, which is not really her style. You look it up, ciao. There's nothing wrong with the dress. It just is very against her personal style. And then she went on this whole thing. I believe the wedding was covered in Vogue, where she went out of her way to be Like, I didn't wear strong lip or eyeliner. And it was this weird, like, now that I'm a bride, I'm gonna be kind of puritanical and be completely covered up, which as a look, I'm fine with. But it's like this idea because I need to be a bride and wear white.

[Chelsea Fairless]

This does just look like a budget version of what Meghan Markle got married in.

[Lauren Garrone]

I do have one more bitchy take, but I feel like we need to say some of our favorite wedding looks before I can get into my bitchiest take.

[Chelsea Fairless]

There's so many for me. So I'm just gonna go with the ones that popped into my mind first, which is, of course, David and Victoria Beckham. Incredible wedding look by Vera Wang. Even more incredible purple reception look by Antonio Berardi. Little Brooklyn Beckham as a baby in a purple cowboy hat. Obsessed with that. But also I love Christy Hume and Jonathan Leach. Do you know the look that I speak of? Yes, it's very Ren faire. It's very Princess Bride.

[Lauren Garrone]

They got married in Scotland, right?

[Chelsea Fairless]

I think so. She had a tiara, kind of similar tiara vibes to the childlike empress from the Neverending Story.

[Lauren Garrone]

And he wore a kilt.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Also, Tori Amos also had a ren faire wedding and she wore like a light blue velvet cloak that was very Stevie Nicks.

[Lauren Garrone]

If you are listening to this podcast being like, I hate when they mention looks and. And I don't know what they're talking about. Just go to the episode notes. I'm sure we will link to all of these looks I was gonna go with. When I think of favorite wedding looks, I can't help but go decades back. I think of Bianca Jagger when she got married to Mick Jagger, which you would think is a pantsuit, but it is a white skirt suit with a fedora and a veil over it.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Well, it's not a fedora, is it?

[Lauren Garrone]

Not a fedora. What is it?

[Chelsea Fairless]

It's a much wider hat than that.

[Lauren Garrone]

But that was pretty major. If I didn't get married in Vivienne Westwood. I think you even said this, that you thought I would probably get married in a Bianca Jagger esque look.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, that's what I was expecting.

[Lauren Garrone]

And then I love Mia Farrow's wedding dress to Frank Sinatra. Their Vegas elopement where she WORE A little 1960s mini dress with a jacket over it.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, I love a short wedding dress when it's done really, really correctly. Like, I also love Stella Tennant's helmet laying wedding dress. That to me is the chicest anyone has ever looked getting married.

[Lauren Garrone]

Okay, my bitchiest take There is a TikTok influencer named Tanya Sorin. And she got married last year and spent the better part of the year posting videos of her trying on dresses. Probably because that content did really well. She went to Vivienne Westwood twice. She went to Vera Wang, Lo Ho. She tried on so many cool dresses. And that was the anticipation amongst her followers of like, oh my God, what cool dress is she gonna wear when she gets married? And then her wedding day came and the dress was basic, like very poofy, very early 2000s. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But she was trying on a lot of avant garde dresses. So it was just a shock to be like, oh, this is what you chose.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Well, she looks great at the reception. I have to say.

[Lauren Garrone]

That is Vivienne Westwood, I think couture. She went to Vivian Westwood twice and tried on the normal dresses and then the like made to order stuff. And yes, this dress that she wore to the reception, I'm like, this kind of should have been your wedding dress. But again was a surprise. Not just to meet other people who had looked at her videos for the better part of the year. It's too much anticipation.

[Caller]

Hi Lauren and Chelsea, longtime listener bucket here. Going to be anonymous. So I'm calling for the Valentine's episode because my boyfriend and I have been talking a lot ongoing about how we would love to have a threesome one day and are both really excited by the idea and calling just to pick your guys brain. Because I feel like I've always heard that like a threesome is only great for the extra person, not the couple. And it can be bad for the relationship and it could. It's easier and cleaner when you're the extra person and you can kind of dip out. Right. And so I'm curious if you've heard of any positive experiences and just like have tips for that also, like if you guys know of any advice for finding said third person. Love any sex positive advice that you guys would have. All right, love the show.

[Lauren Garrone]

Love you guys.

[Caller]

Bye.

[Chelsea Fairless]

First of all, I don't think a threesome is necessarily better for the third person. I think with any sexual relationship it either works or it doesn't. But just based on this call, it seems like you seem a little bit ambivalent about whether or not you want this or whether or not it's a good idea.

[Lauren Garrone]

Well, what I took away from this call is the hesitancy is around what could this do to Our relationship. And I think why this idea that the third person in the threesome, it's the best position to have because you just get to go home afterwards. I think gets at the heart of as a couple, before you have a threesome, you should have a discussion of what happens afterwards.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah. But you also can't always anticipate what happens afterwards. You know, I know people that have had threesomes that have broken up their relationships. I know people that regularly have threesomes that have the strongest relationships. It really depends.

[Lauren Garrone]

It also depends what is this threesome? I'm going to assume it's about bringing another woman into the scenario or is it bring about bringing another guy in and it's a cuck chair scenario.

[Chelsea Fairless]

A devil's three way.

[Lauren Garrone]

The other part of this call is the hand wringing around. Well, how would we even find a third person? And I think there are three options. There's field.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yes. Every straight couple is on field. Literally.

[Lauren Garrone]

There is your friend group, which I don't really recommend.

[Chelsea Fairless]

No. Dan Savage thinks acquaintances make good threesome partners. Not friends, people you barely know, but still people that you know slightly more than an absolute stranger.

[Lauren Garrone]

Third option, which many friends of friends who are in heterosexual relationships have done, which is you hire a sex worker.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah. This is actually your best option.

[Lauren Garrone]

You and your partner can be together in the process of finding this person, interviewing them. You can set up whatever fantasy you have of like we bump into her him at a bar and then they go home afterwards. There is an inherent boundary in that that I think shields you from feelings. Getting involved, which bringing certainly a friend or an acquaintance. That can happen.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah. You don't want a clingy third or you don't want your partner to start being weird.

[Lauren Garrone]

So I mean, threesomes are in the conversation of opening up a relationship. And Paul has this line where he's like, if you're looking to open up your relationship, you have to ask. Open to what exactly? Yeah, you guys are both into the idea of like how hot it's going to be. But I think in order to preserve your relationship, a lot of unfun, unsexy conversations probably have to happen before the fun sexy stuff.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Right. Or you could start by not actively looking for a third, but perhaps like talking about a third in like a dirty talk capacity to just see where that goes. Much lower stakes.

[Lauren Garrone]

This is true.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Anyway, best of luck to you. Let me know if you find your unicorn.

[Lauren Garrone]

3.

[Caller]

Hey, Chelsea. Hey, Lauren. My name is Anthony, longtime fan of the IG and the pod. I'm I'm 38 years old. I'm calling in. I don't know if this question is totally on theme for this week, but I'm getting married with my. With my long term partner of eight years, Tony.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yes.

[Caller]

Two of us are, Anthony, and we're doing it big. Like, we're getting married at a fancy hotel called the Beauport in Gloucester, Mass. And we're inviting about 130 people. And I, I was hoping that I would be more excited as we move into the date, which is it's happening in July, but I've become more anxious, sort of obsessive upset about, like, the guest list and, like, feeling like we invited a lot of, like, randos, meaning, like, people we met at Puerto Vallarta when we got engaged, and then also like some of my mom's friends and then also friends that we just know collaterally. So all of that is coupled with also my own feeling of like, should I be having a big wedding? Is it sort of tone deaf in, like, the climate we're in right now? So that's all been coming up and I've expressed that to Tony and sort of reservations about it, and he's kind of felt kind of hurt and triggered by it. You know, we're, we're like basically like writing vows. And then I'm bringing this up and I was just wondering, like, is this normal? How do I navigate it? Really love and appreciate your opinion. Thanks. Bye.

[Lauren Garrone]

So you have two people who have had weddings on the opposite ends of the wedding spectrum. Chelsea, you eloped. I had a whole ass wedding. Like me. Caller, you have chosen to have a whole ass wedding. By the way, congratulations to you and Tony.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Congratulations. And with planning a big wedding, a degree of anxiety is totally normal. However, you did let the wedding get bigger than big. Oh, I'm just saying. Randoms from Puerto Vallarta.

[Lauren Garrone]

I actually love that your mom's random friends we could understand.

[Chelsea Fairless]

But this isn't anxiety about marrying your partner. It's anxiety about merging these disparate social groups, which I completely understand. What a nightmare. This is the plus of eloping, since.

[Lauren Garrone]

You were doing what I did, which was to have a whole ass wedding. My advice to you is that you're going to have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. And the most uncomfortable fact about having a larger wedding is this wedding is not for you and Tony. This wedding is a party for everyone else that is technically in your honor, but you will more function as a presidential candidate who needs to press the flesh rather than enjoy the party. You've spent months in untold amounts of money planning.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Also, this isn't a random house party with a bunch of people that have never met. This is a wedding, which means that there is structure, there are activities. Don't freak out. It's going to be fine. But you really have to like, let go and let God with this one.

[Lauren Garrone]

I mean, to answer your second question, should you even be having a big wedding considering everything going on in the world? Absolutely. The world is shit. I think we need to celebrate the wins even more now than ever.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah. And don't worry about your MAGA family members, unless you think they're going to ambush the other guests.

[Lauren Garrone]

It's not your fault. Like, at a certain point, certainly at the reception, everyone's just going to have to fend for themselves. I don't regret having a big wedding. I think it was very important for our families, our friends, certainly ourselves. But I often say that I would like to go back to my wedding as a guest, then the bride. Yeah, because it seemed like a great time. Because for weeks afterwards I was told about like, food and things that happened I would have loved to have eaten or been a part of. This is all very normal. If one of you isn't questioning whether you should even be having a wedding, then you're not planning a wedding properly.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Best of luck.

[Caller]

Hi Lauren and Chelsea, longtime listener, first time caller, but I just felt like I had to share this very millennial breakup story with you all. So my name is Margo and I'm from a small town and I started dating a boy I worked with in this was back in 2006 and we dated for about nine months, was pretty serious, but I had my first then real job, so we were no longer working together and I had an office job and it was 2006, so I was spending a good three hours a day probably on Facebook, and I noticed at the end of the afternoon that my relationship status had just gone from in a relationship with Michael to in a relationship. And so when I investigated further, he had ended our relationship by ending it on Facebook by removing himself from that status. And I called him and he immediately sent me to voicemail. And I have not spoken with him since. So I don't know if that's the equivalent of a modern day ghosting or a post it note, but I felt like it was the most 2006 way to be broken up with. Like I said, we're from the same small town. So occasionally when I go home I do run into him. And to this day, he pretends like he doesn't know who I am. Anyway, happy Valentine's Day, Fouquettes, and thanks for listening.

[Lauren Garrone]

Clearly, you dodged a bullet. A man that is this afraid of conflict that to this day, 18, almost 19 years later, he pretends to not know. You can't have that.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, this is such a cowardly way to break up with someone. This is way worse than the post.

[Lauren Garrone]

It, I think, certainly in 2006 terms because it's ghosting.

[Chelsea Fairless]

But also there is a public element to it just because of the Facebook of it all.

[Lauren Garrone]

I'm sorry that this happened to you and you seemingly have gotten no closure from this.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, it probably took her the past 20 years to recover from this.

[Lauren Garrone]

It certainly would take me that long to recover as well. I can't get over that he pretends not to know you in your small town.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I think it's time to call him out, make a scene.

[Lauren Garrone]

I know I'm too confrontational. I would just be like, hey, remember me?

[Chelsea Fairless]

The one that you broke up with on Facebook in 2007?

[Lauren Garrone]

If you are indeed afraid of conflict or what the townspeople might say, we will fly to this town and confront this man for sure.

[Caller]

Hi ladies. First time caller, longtime listener. I have a dating question for you both because I need help. I got divorced two years ago and I'm just now ready to get out there and start dating. I'm bi and I was married to my ex wife for 14 years. I have not dated a man in a very long time, and right now I find myself more attracted to men these days. But based on the state of the world, it feels like really bad timing on my part to be more attracted to men versus women. I mean, maybe this is a question for the Lukes in the audience too, but basically I'm wondering, how do I find the good ones? I've never been on the apps before, and the idea of that fills me with dread. But I guess that's what we do these days. Now, where do I even start my dating journey in 2025?

[Chelsea Fairless]

First of all, I'm so sorry about your divorce. Even under the best of circumstances, I'm sure that was extremely difficult. But the silver lining is that there is dick in your future. You just have to go about finding it. But you, dear Fuckette, actually have far more dating options than the average person does because you were with a woman for so long that dating lesbians isn't annoying because you won't experience the biphobia that often comes with dating lesbians. So you have all Lesbians as an option. All straight men. Because straight men don't really care about dating. Bisexual women and all bisexuals. This is an incredible pool of people.

[Lauren Garrone]

Correct. But as she said, she's mostly attracted to men these days, which, as a heterosexual woman, I just have to say, is a choice in 2025.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah. I remember once you were complaining about dating. I believe I was also single, so I was like, okay, at least you have, like, a much bigger percentage of the population to date than I do. And you were like, but I think the ratio of acceptable guys is pretty much the same once you weed through them all as if I was a lesbian. And I was like, yeah, you know what? You're probably right, actually.

[Lauren Garrone]

Now, should someone in 2025 who's never been on a dating app get on a dating app?

[Chelsea Fairless]

Go on field just to get dick?

[Lauren Garrone]

There we go.

[Chelsea Fairless]

See what happens.

[Lauren Garrone]

Should we be sponsored by field? This is the second mention of the episode. An app that neither of us have used.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yes, but every woman I know who is chasing Dee is on field.

[Lauren Garrone]

If this is your reintroduction to dating and dating men, I would maybe be a little hesitant to get on dating apps as your main source of meeting people. Maybe tap into a friend group, Join a run club. Don't. Don't join a run club. I just love that that has become the. The de facto thing. But I would dip your toe into apps. Don't take it too seriously. Maybe use it just to primarily hook up and be pleasantly surprised when a good date comes out of it.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah. Also, don't feel bad about dating guys because of the state of the world. Like, you choosing not to engage with some random D is not going to eradicate the patriarchy.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yeah. You're not aiding and abetting the Trump administration by having sex with men.

[Chelsea Fairless]

No.

[Lauren Garrone]

But perhaps a way into dating is finding men who also recently got divorced. That's something you guys can bond over. Chelsea's looking at me like I'm an idiot right now.

[Chelsea Fairless]

No, no, that's not. That's not bad advice. But it's like, how do you find a bunch of other divorce people if not on dating apps?

[Lauren Garrone]

Oh, but that's what I'm saying, though, is, like, perhaps look for the profiles that are, like, recently out of a marriage.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, that's true. You can do the Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton thing.

[Lauren Garrone]

Best of luck. Call us back. Let us know how it's going. Foreign.

[Caller]

And, Chelsea, I know you guys are just gonna read me the filth for even calling to say this, but I Just got my J'adore Dykes T shirt and I love it and I feel like I should ask, can I wear this out in the world? I have been with women before, but I am currently in a long term hetero relationship with a CIS man. I don't know. I feel like a loser for even asking, but is it okay for me to wear my J'adore Dykes tea out into the world? Thanks, love you. Bye.

[Lauren Garrone]

We're not going to read you to filth. That is a valid question. I just want to make the distinction. Chelsea and I are bitches, but we're not fucking bitches.

[Chelsea Fairless]

We also want to sell T shirts, so there's that. You have my permission. I would avoid maybe wearing it to a lesbian party that you also bring your boyfriend to and making out with him in front of everyone while wearing it. I would maybe not do that.

[Lauren Garrone]

I like the idea that this caller is afraid that if she wears this shirt out in the wild, dykes are going to come up to her and make her prove her dyke bona fides. But if you need a card from us that we laminate that says the.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Creators of this shirt, least one dyke thinks it's okay that I wear this.

[Lauren Garrone]

Xoxo Chelsea and Lauren, we will send you that card also if you are.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Like feeling a little bit cuspy about it yourself. Like I just personally wouldn't want to go out in public if I was wearing something that I thought could be like misconstrued or be a little controversial. Like that would give me anxiety. So nothing wrong with just wearing this.

[Lauren Garrone]

Around the house just to make you feel a little bit better. When we went and saw the Brutalist, it was raining and I was wearing a dad cap and shell was like, you couldn't rep her own merch. Like why didn't you wear the fuck out hat? And I was so self conscious that at 10am on a Sunday at the AMC someone was going to be like, you can't wear that hat here. That I just, I just chose not to wear the hat.

[Chelsea Fairless]

One place I would not wear it would be like a stadium concert because my friend Steven tried to go and see Lady Gaga wearing a shirt that said like fag or something. Denied entry, Rude. So you have to consider like what places actually have dress codes. Keep that in mind.

[Lauren Garrone]

And frankly that was kind of homophobic that they did that completely. Best of luck. Let us know if you need that card. We'll send it to you.

[Caller]

Hi Lauren and Chelsea. So I'm getting engaged soon and I Know this because my partner and I picked out our ring, my ring. And I don't like the idea of him proposing to me without with a surprise. I mean, at this point it just feels totally performative. So I suggested that we pick a date and time to propose to each other. I also picked out something for him and like have a night of it. And I am starting to wonder if that was an idiotic decision, if it's something I'm going to come to regret. You know, you see all of these proposal videos and I don't want anything crazy, but am I going to regret not having a surprise out of this? Philosophically, the more I think about a proposal, I just can't align with it and I don't know what to do. Clearly I'm neurotic about it. Okay, I love you guys. Bye.

[Chelsea Fairless]

You are such a Miranda. It's crazy. And that is why the prospect of a surprise proposal filled you with dreadful. So you took charge and suggested an alternate scenario which you would be more comfortable with, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with bucking tradition if you find the tradition to be cringe.

[Lauren Garrone]

I can only assume that they are meeting on the Brooklyn Bridge at a certain time to propose to each other. You may think proposals are stupid and they are. I agree with you. But you know who doesn't? Your friends and family. And they are going to want to hear a story. So if you are fine with seeing their faces when you're like, I hate a proposal. So we just decided to propose to each other at a certain date and time. Go for it then.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Who the fuck cares? Honestly, also, I relate to this a bit because I basically knew when I was going to get engaged. I was in a long distance transcontinental relationship. We went on a trip to Palm Springs with the understanding that someone was going to propose and that's what happened. So was I surprised? Absolutely not. Was it a wonderful experience? Yes.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yeah. I would add, I too also knew that I was getting proposed to, but the events in the sequence of events I was unaware of. So I do think there's like a healthy mixture. You don't need a flash mob to be proposed to, but it's nice to.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Be asked anyway, don't worry about this. You're not gonna regret it. Trust.

[Caller]

Hi, Lauren and Chelsea. So I've been dating my boyfriend for almost eight years now and we're thinking of getting engaged. And the topic of the ring is just so overwhelming because there's just so many options. I personally grew up, my mom never wore an engagement ring or a wedding ring or anything like that. So I don't really have like kind of that traditional desire to wear a diamond. Curious what your opinion is on engagement rings in general. What type of ring you guys both have or, you know, you like that other people have and, you know, he pops on lab diamonds versus real diamonds and, you know, precious stones and stuff like that. So would love to hear your thoughts from a person who's still very undecided and conflicted with so many choices out there. Love the podcast. Thank you.

[Lauren Garrone]

What I'm getting from these back to back calls is we may need to make the anti wedding wedding every outfit guide.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I have no advice because, like, you call her. I don't like traditional engagement rings either, and I don't have one. I wear like a thin gold wedding band in part because when I got married in 2017, Tad and I were not in the financial position to buy a piece of jewelry that I would want to wear every day for the rest of my life. But that said, I still have no idea what I would want. You know, I would like to get an engagement ring at some point, but I just like, I'm not into it. And I think I also dislike the aspect of engagement rings. It's like, about status. I mean, obviously not for everyone, but a lot of people, I think, think of them that way.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yeah. I'm also someone who's not very attached to the idea of an engagement ring. The inspiration I had given Paul was like, you know, these kind of alternative engagement rings that had pearls or different kinds of stones, things that were in diamonds. And he has a friend, Pinkney, who's a jewelry designer, and he worked with her on a ring. And it's beautiful and very traditional, but also quite different. But here's the other thing about engagement rings. Look at my hands, Chelsea. Am I wearing it right now?

[Chelsea Fairless]

You do wear it, though.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yes. I don't think you need an engagement ring. You ultimately, in my experience, even if you do get an engagement ring by the time you're married, you more often just wear a simple wedding band day to day anyway.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, I don't know what ring would, like, go with all of my shit because I'm more of like a silver jewelry Elsa Peretti type of person. But I don't even like her engagement rings.

[Lauren Garrone]

It's tough. I got a gold engagement ring. And you are correct, I've had to pivot my jewelry style to gold to go with it. So, yeah, get a ring, don't get a ring.

[Chelsea Fairless]

We're giving such great advice?

[Lauren Garrone]

No, but I think there is this societal expectation. This goes back to the proposal call. When you tell people you are engaged, they're going to want to hear the proposal story and they're going to want to see the ring. But all of that evaporates once you get married and that's sort of the important part. Do I want to spend my life with this person forever? Because people have become very attached to like I want a wedding instead of I want to spend my life with this person.

[Chelsea Fairless]

For sure. I do like that there's jewelry built into this though. It's nice, it's cool. I just don't really know how to go about it either, I guess.

[Lauren Garrone]

Sorry, sorry, we are of no help with this question.

[Caller]

So I feel lied to by Sex and the City when Charlotte says it takes half the time that you're with someone to fully get over them. Near the end of 2021 there was a two month period where my five year relationship ended. My 19 year old dog named Bradshaw after Carrie Bradshaw died. Sadly she also died the day before like that premiered and I then turned 40 the following January. So since then I've been dating. I'm certainly having fun, but I do not feel like I'm fully over the X most likely just because that next great love hasn't come along yet. I should say that I initiated the relationship ending because he was moving out of NYC and I didn't handle that so well. But why were we lied to on that show? Do you think we were lied to on that show? And how do you two recommend that I fully fully move on. Love you. Bye.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I don't think we were lied to, but I think we should consider Charlotte's theory as a minimum.

[Lauren Garrone]

Like it takes at least half the time you were with that person to get over them.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I think so.

[Lauren Garrone]

We would all love to put some logic into analogical feeling which is being in love with someone that like if, if I follow this bit of math I will no longer feel like I'm in pain or heartbroken. I do think Charlotte did not necessarily lie to us, Charlotte Yorke, the fictional character on the show Sex and the City. But I do think what makes it different now versus when Charlotte said that on the show is that thanks to social media we could have an almost parasocial relationship with our exes where we can if we wanted to have access to their LinkedIn, their Instagram, see what they're doing on a day to day basis. Not that you said you indulge in this but we are all privy to this behavior. I do wonder if that has hurt our ability to get over people is our access to their lives even when they're out of our lives.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Oh, of course. But I'm also so sorry about your dog.

[Lauren Garrone]

Oh, what? Back to back and then just like that happened in the middle of all this.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Well, and it's so horrible because processing the first episode of and just like that were big dies, like that would be enough. But every time you hear Carrie's last name you would have to think about your dog that just died the day before. That's fucking horrible. Hate that. Also, I'm sorry that you lumped in turning 40 with these other traumas that you mention.

[Lauren Garrone]

How are you enjoying being 40? Chell?

[Chelsea Fairless]

It's great. Like I said when I first turned 40, I find it to be a relief. I felt like the lead up to 40 was more high stakes than actually crossing the threshold.

[Lauren Garrone]

So to answer your question, again, I don't know if you are looking at your ex's socials, but if you are, I would maybe have a social media diet from that person and see if that helps. But you're doing everything that you can do. Dating, having fun.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah. You will find a replacement for this person at some point. Someone that's better aligned with your needs.

[Caller]

Hi Lauren and Chelsea, this is MC calling from Austin. Longtime listener, first time caller. I'm looking for some advice from you two honest women on how to get out of my single and fabulous question mark era. I was in a long term relationship that ended pretty badly last year and I've tried recently to get back on dating apps but I haven't found any success at all except from like a few one night stands. So I'm looking for that. Consuming, can't live without each other love. Just like Carrie. But should I just keep putting myself out there on hinge, et cetera, or should I just like go out and try to meet people and let love find me naturally? What do you think? Love you ladies. Happy Valentine's Day.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Ideally you should do both. As horrible as that sounds, I don't advise people to give up on apps because I know so many people, especially married couples, that have met through apps. However, when you need to take a break for your own mental health, that's totally necessary.

[Lauren Garrone]

I feel like modern dating is not that dissimilar to being unemployed and trying to find another job. Like is it about applying for jobs online is about networking? The answer is all of those things. You really need to flood the zone. That's what they refer to Trump doing. But I'm sorry, it's an effective phrase. You need to flood. Flood the zone of dating. You need to be on apps. You need to be going out and meeting people. But the problem with this cycle, and I was in this as well, which is it just gets so exhausting doing all of those things that then you stop. You know, you delete your apps, or I'm gonna focus on me for a while. Then you get really lonely, Then you get back on apps, Then you put. Start putting yourself out there again. It's a. It's a very tiring cycle, and I don't envy anyone that is in this process.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, but you have to keep persevering, and above all, focus on making your social circle bigger, not smaller. And that includes people that you have no interest in dating at all, because meeting new people leads you to other new people.

[Lauren Garrone]

I know this is going to sound a little hooey, but you need to channel not your inner Carrie, but your inner Charlotte and just act as if you are going to fall madly in love with someone and have that happily ever after. Because if I knew that I was gonna end up with Paul, I feel like I would have taken dating a lot less seriously. Like, that's my big regret of being single is like, I just took everything really seriously, and now I realize I did not have to. So I think that would be my advice. You're gonna fall madly in love with someone, but in this in between time, how do you want to conduct yourself?

[Chelsea Fairless]

How are you capable of conducting yourself?

[Lauren Garrone]

Ooh. Okay.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, because as you said, the vicious cycle can be stressful. So also, give yourself a break.

[Lauren Garrone]

I refer to dating as the longest unpaid internship of my life.

[Caller]

Hi, every outfit. I'm just going to tell you that I went on an amazing date this weekend, and he's a documentary filmmaker, so I kind of wanted your take. He gives crazy artist, eccentric man energy. He's a nighttime taxi driver. And the first step of the date was really just him telling me about his film tour and, like, Netflix trying to buy it. And I was like, okay, okay, whatever. Date actually went amazing, amazing, amazing. And I'm in love with this man. I'm seeing him again tonight, but get this. He lives in a international housing co op, and he doesn't have a bed. He sleeps in a hammock. In a hammock stand, which, upon hearing this, the date almost ended. But he told me later that I would never see the hammock because he was going to remedy the situation. After I gave him my honest reaction. Just want to get your take on this, though. How much eccentricity is too much? He also only has a landline, so texts and voicemails go to. His email I think is charming and delightful. Okay, great podcast. Bye.

[Lauren Garrone]

I'm sorry, are you dating the reincarnation of Adam from Girls? Is he building a boat from spare wood he finds in Greenpoint?

[Chelsea Fairless]

You can't date the hammock man. It's not because he's a starving artist. It's because he sleeps in a hammock.

[Lauren Garrone]

Far be it for your parasocial podcast besties to yuck your yummy, but every fiber of my being is saying, run.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, because the hammock represents so much, and it represents that he does not care about his home life or fitting anyone into that home life.

[Lauren Garrone]

I find something more problematic about the hammock, and it's. It's his phrasing of he was waiting to see her reaction before he remedied it. And it feels like this bizarre litness test. Like, I'm reminded of a guy who took a friend of mine on a date years ago. They were going on a date in Hollywood on Sunset Boulevard, and there used to be a place called Pink Taco. And diagonal from that, across from the Chateau Marmont, is a taco place called Pinches Tacos. And he gave her the option of, like, which one would you rather go to? And she chose Pinterest Tacos because it's better. And he then revealed to her that this was kind of a test for her to see what kind of girl she was, because Pinterest Tacos isn't as nice as Pink Taco, which was, like, the trendier place. Okay.

[Chelsea Fairless]

But Pink Taco is also not a bad choice. May it rest in peace. It is no longer there. But we went to Pink Taco once as a joke, and we were like, this is surprisingly good.

[Lauren Garrone]

But I was reminded of this story because of the hammock, which it feels. Feels like this is a test for women he dates. And if they have an issue with it, it's like, oh, you're that kind of girl. Oh, you're the kind of girl who judges a man for sleeping in a hammock. And it's like, yes, yes.

[Chelsea Fairless]

In fact, I am also. What kind of documentary filmmaker is he? What's his documentary about hammocks living in.

[Lauren Garrone]

An international co op?

[Chelsea Fairless]

I don't know. I'm getting bad vibes from this. Although I do find the lack of a cell phone thing to be charming. That I can get behind. It's a little inconvenient, but I would love to be with someone that was so removed from culture in that way.

[Lauren Garrone]

Also, you didn't say the age of this man and the combination of the landline and the nighttime taxi driver situation makes me think he might be 63.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Susan hi, Lauren and Chelsea.

[Caller]

I heard on the podcast that you are doing a love and relationship episode, and I have a bit of a TMI one. I've been with my boyfriend for a year, during which time I've been in a complete, like, whirlwind romance and having the best and most sex of my entire life. Not to humble brag, it does feel unreal. An unintended consequence of this has been a new and persistent pain during sex that developed from what I can only surmise is my pussy saying, you're literally having too much sex. Without going into too much detail, I've obviously done all the things of going to the doctor, buying the necessary products, and I even went to a sex advice column. The reason I'm calling you Sex and the City podcasters who are not medical professionals is to ask a question that only you two can answer. Wwsjd, what would Samantha Jones do? Thanks. Love the podcast, dear.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Every outfit. My pussy hurts. What should I do?

[Lauren Garrone]

I think we need to add to our bio Sex in the City podcasters who are not medical professionals.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I know exactly what Samantha Jones would do. She would go to the top rated gynecologist in Manhattan. She would have that annual New York magazine issue that lists all the best doctors, and she would find the gyno to the stars. I can guarantee. Although this call did sort of set off some alarm bells for me because there's a difference between, like, my vagina hurts because it's sore because I've been having sex a lot and I'm having vaginal pain.

[Lauren Garrone]

The phrasing of persistent pain. And again, as you've noted, we simply have a podcast related to Sex and the City and are not medical professionals. But yes, this is concerning. I also misheard the call. So I just wrote what I thought Samantha would say to this woman. Like what? What Samantha's advice would be. And I think it would go a little bit like this. Oh, honey, congratulations. From a woman who's fucked a man with too small of a penis and couldn't fuck a man with too big of a penis. Mazel. If it doesn't hurt a little, how do you know if anything is happening?

[Chelsea Fairless]

Oh, my God. I think you should just give that hole A break. Like give her a couple weeks of peace. Because it's either sore because you've been getting pounded 247 or because you've been getting pounded 24 7. You've injured yourself and you're re injuring yourself by continuing to get pounded.

[Lauren Garrone]

At a certain point it does feel like all of the sex you're having, which congratulations might be yielding diminishing returns.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Also, are you using enough lube? Is that your problem? Are you using the wrong lube?

[Lauren Garrone]

That was gonna be my secondary response is Samantha Jones. Oh, honey, you just need a better lube.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, don't be getting your lube from the drugstore. Go to a nice, you know, woman owned sex positive emporium like Babe Land or whatever and buy lube there.

[Lauren Garrone]

I'm just imagining this caller being like, I told you I didn't want advice. As I explained, you are not medical professionals. Just tell me what Samantha Jones would do.

[Caller]

Hi, Lauren and Chelsea, longtime listener, many time caller here. I'm here to ask a question for the Valentine's Day episode. So, yeah, basically I've been single for pretty much my whole adult life. And it's gotten to the point that my therapist, my friends, my family have all pretty much indicated to me that I need to join some sort of like club or group to meet new people. And every time someone brings it up to me, I literally break out in hives. I think it is the saddest, most desperate thing a person could do. It's like basically broadcasting out there that I'm lonely and desperate. So I'm wondering if either one of you has any ideas for like a version of that. Like something that could expose me to new people but doesn't come off as like really, really tragic. Yeah, any, anything you can advise, advise me on is, is welcome. Thank you. Love you, bye.

[Chelsea Fairless]

First of all, I want to say dating can be quite embarrassing. It requires that we make ourselves vulnerable, that we put ourselves in uncomfortable social situations, potentially that we risk being rejected. And that may be perceived as tragic by other people, but that is part of the experience. And it's not part of the experience that you can shield yourself from. And you're not the only one.

[Lauren Garrone]

There's millions, maybe even billions of single people. But I do feel for this fuckette so deeply. As a previously terminally single person, there is nothing worse than suggestions from your coupled up friends and married family members. But I have a question about this club because it sounds like what your therapists and friends and family are suggesting are the events of the film, the Lobster.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Also, I want to know, do you have an interest where being part of a club is normal? Like if you are a runner or a bird watcher or something, are you.

[Lauren Garrone]

Happy with your life as a single person? You shouldn't get into a relationship just to alleviate the societal pressures that family and friends are putting on you. Like, if you enjoy your life as it is, then I say don't change it.

[Chelsea Fairless]

True. But I feel like there is a real effort on his part to shield himself from like embarrassing situations. And I get it. Like, shame is the worst of all the emotions I think to feel. So I understand why you'd want to avoid that at all costs. But I just think that it is unavoidable if you are really going to get out there, so to speak.

[Lauren Garrone]

You could put this back on your friends and family when they bring this up, which is like, great. What club do you suggest I I join? Or like, hey, do you have friends to set me up with? Because I do always feel like there's this ellipses when people are like, should put yourself out there. It's like, great. Do you want to help facilitate that?

[Chelsea Fairless]

I think what people really mean is you either have to be on the apps or you have to have like a very consistent, eclectic social life. There's no other way. A lot of people have jobs where they're constantly meeting new people. So that is a positive. Like if you have a job where you're meeting people that you might date, that would be part of putting yourself out there. But now more than ever, people don't have jobs like that. People's worlds are just becoming increasingly small.

[Lauren Garrone]

I think perhaps you need to rebrand this as instead of I need to join a club so that I can have a more rich dating pool to perhaps acquiring a hobby. I don't have a hobby. I would love to have a hobby. Perhaps there's an interest that you've always wanted to develop. Sculpting an improv group of some kind.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Are you seriously recommending improv? Would you join an improv group?

[Lauren Garrone]

No. Although I did take a UCB class when I first got here and it did give me a group of of friends when I first moved back to the city. But.

[Chelsea Fairless]

So you want him to humiliate himself on stage in addition to in the dating world?

[Lauren Garrone]

Okay, ignore the improv suggestion. Let's focus on sculpting. I just think that if you look at it as trying to make your daily life akin to how you would like your dating life to be, maybe those worlds will will merge a little easier.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I think you need to just throw caution to the wind and say it yolo. I don't care what happens to me. I'm just going to put myself out there and see what happens.

[Lauren Garrone]

And evidently not join an improv class.

[Chelsea Fairless]

And not join an improv class. That's exactly what I'm recommending. Also, final thought, I think Instagram is the best place to meet someone. It's the best dating app that there is.

[Lauren Garrone]

Are you saying that because that's how I met my husband?

[Chelsea Fairless]

No, I just think that that's how you meet people. You know, when I was single, I met people on Instagram here. And again, because it's like you can talk to people in a very casual way. You can slide into someone's DMs, but of course, this only works if you maintain a slight Instagram presence. A lot of people don't. A lot of people have private accounts. But if you're not one of those people, I think that Instagram is great. Why not just flirt with someone?

[Lauren Garrone]

So that's what we're prescribing you, dear listener. Flirt with someone. Let's start with that.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Hi, guys. I had a question about cold sores because I got my first outbreak very recently and it freaked me out. Even though I know that it's really common. I just wondered if you guys, what you think the etiquette should be like. Like, if I'm on a first date and we're about to kiss, do I have to mention it first? Or can I just, you know, not mention it until about to have an outbreak and then, you know, treat it really casually because it is. My mum has them and she says she never did that, but I feel like the mores are different now, so let me know. Thank you so much. Love the pod. Bye, guys.

[Chelsea Fairless]

According to the AI results of my Google search, between 50 and 80% of the population has oral herpes. So I would not disclose unless you have an active outbreak. You feel one coming on it. In that case, you need to refrain from kissing them unless they also have oral herpes, which they might. And this should go without saying, but please refrain from oral sex if you are having an outbreak.

[Lauren Garrone]

Paul had what I thought was great advice that allows you to disclose your herpes status while also flirting, which may seem impossible. And by the way, this is advice for if you have an active cold sore, or I guess not. But his thought was to say to this person, like, oh, man, I really want to kiss you right now, but I have the Stupid cold sore. So you let the person know that you want to. You want.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Good, yeah.

[Lauren Garrone]

You want to make out with them. They probably are going to ignore the herpes status because they're like, wait, this person wants to make out with me. So you will have done your part of being a good citizen in disclosing your herpes status while also letting that person know, I want to make out with you.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Great advice.

[Caller]

Hi Lauren and Chelsea, longtime listener, first time caller. I'm responding to your call for Burger esque breakup stories. So this happened about 10 years ago, but I was dating this guy who was getting a PhD in philosophy. So you can only imagine how self important and obnoxious he was. And after we had been dating for about a month, he came over one night and gave me a typewritten letter in which he proceeded to break up with me. And all the while he's standing in my kitchen watching me read this note. And the reason that he was breaking up with me was because I was too fat. And I've never been super skinny, but I also was not fat. I think at the time I was like 5, 5 and maybe 140 pounds. So like a pretty average size 6. And he proceeded to justify this breakup by claiming that he was a victim of the culture and was programmed to only like skinny women. And I think he was waiting around while I read this note so that I would like absolve him in some way and tell him that it was okay. But it wasn't okay and I didn't absolve him. I told him to get the fuck out. Anyway. Buck men. Love you guys. Bye.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Legalize murder. He's a victim of the culture. This is truly the worst thing I've ever heard. Way worse than Burger. Not just because he broke up with you for the most fucked up reason, but because he typed this on a typewriter. That is like some fucked up tortured Poets department shit.

[Lauren Garrone]

Fuck this guy. You dodged a bullet. Also, I must commend you because I feel like if I were in that situation, college age me would have tried to console him instead of telling him to fuck off. Which you did. So kudos to you. Now there is a whole debate, like in current dating culture of like, is ghosting better versus breaking up with someone in person? And if the choice is ghosting or getting this insane reason why you're being broken up with, I would take ghosting because being broken up with is bad enough. I don't need a sign of character assassination while they're heading out the door.

[Chelsea Fairless]

God, it's hard to say what's better because this, while horrible, I feel like would make it easier to move on than ghosting. Just because you would know what a piece of shit this person is definitively and you would understand the reason. I think he should have just lied and broken up with you in person. Just said he wasn't feeling it or typed out this letter and mailed it to you. The combination of the two is what's especially disturbing to me.

[Lauren Garrone]

I will say that call reminded me that I did once, while I was in college, write a page long letter to a boy I was in love with and made him read it in front of me. The reason why I did this eludes me at this moment. The me now cringes at the level of effort I put into this boy who, like, clearly didn't deserve it. But then I also remembered that that same guy, years later, when we had decided to be friends out of the blue, sent me an incredibly long email about how he would never be in love with me and how we could never see each other again. And Chelsea, the words hurt. Like, reading that email really hurt. But when I read it a second and third time, I realized that it was riddled with typos and grammatical errors. And then I just became irate that I wasn't worth the time to proofread this email.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, how was the punctuation on the typewriter letter? Because you have to start from scratch if you fuck something up on a typewriter. Anyway, this is all fucked up. I'm so sorry. This is, to me, the worst breakup story that we've heard.

[Lauren Garrone]

And we applaud your restraint of not stabbing this man in the kitchen with a kitchen knife. If you had done that and I was on the jury, I would have let you off. I think yes, women should be allowed to murder one guy a decade for a bad breakup. And that's the platform I'm running on when I run for California governor.

[Chelsea Fairless]

That's beautiful.

[Caller]

Hey, Lauren and Chelsea. I might be too late to call for the Valentine's Day hotline. I'm curious if you've just started seeing someone, as in a month to like, six weeks ago, and you're. How early is to, like, can I hang out with this. With this guy on Valentine's Day and not be weird? Like, you know, I'm saying it would be fine. And it is fine. It's a Friday night, which is kind of good. But is it too soon to. What do you think? I would love to know. Thank you.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Well, if you were in A lesbian relationship, you'd already be married. So I don't think it's too soon.

[Lauren Garrone]

I mean, this episode is coming out on Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day happens to fall on a Friday, so who knows if you went on a date with this person or not. But I think because it does fall on a Friday, which is a typical date night, I think you're in the clear. Have him over for a movie. Go see a movie. Just maybe not a prefix. Dinner.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I understand, like from a societal standpoint how, what is it, six weeks?

[Lauren Garrone]

I think it was about a month.

[Chelsea Fairless]

A month could be perceived as too soon. But it's like, if this relationship is going to last or supposed to last, it shouldn't be that weird.

[Lauren Garrone]

I perceive the weirdest might come from the fact of do you acknowledge it or do you just go, hey, you want to hang out Friday night? And then put the ball in their court if they're going to acknowledge it's Valentine's Day or not.

[Chelsea Fairless]

It's funny. This is reminding me of that one Valentine's Day during the pandemic where Tad and I, like, we went to Bottega Louis. We got like chocolates and balloons and we went to all of our like single friends house to drop them off. We went to your house?

[Lauren Garrone]

Oh, yeah. I wasn't home. I remember this because I was like, are you making sure I haven't killed myself today?

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, just like a wellness check. What's wrong with that? Like, being single during the pandemic on Valentine's Day is like not a good vibe. So we went to your house, we went to Leah's apartment, and then we got to our last friend's apartment who we thought was single but was on a whole ass date, like a Valentine's Day date because she was in a new relationship and we were like, what the fuck? We're here to make sure you haven't committed suicide and you're having a whole ass like Valentine's Day picnic.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yeah. So I guess the moral of the story is fuck your single friends on Valentine's Day. You do you.

[Caller]

Hi, Chelsea and Lauren, longtime listener, first time caller. So my partner and I are starting to think about weddings. Wedding. For our wedding, we could see ourselves doing anything from like a courthouse elopement or fab 40 person destination wedding in the UK or going whole hog with the full wedding in Maine, which is where we live. We'd really love your advice and ideas for what makes a wedding fabulous or some things that you think would be fabulous for a wedding. At some of the things that I just said. We're a queer couple. I'm non binary and she's a she. Also, as part of this, I'd love your advice for where to look for suiting as like a 5, 4, non binary type. I like a pant and blazer that have like a simple androgynous line. Like, I'm not a full suit and tie, but I struggle with, like a lot of the flair that's in a lot of suiting for women. Like, pants are giant, the shoulders are giant. There's pleats, there's cutouts. My deal is something that falls nicely and looks good. I'm curious what you have recommendations for. Kind of across the price spectrum for like a variety of functions. Not just my wedding day, but also could be wedding guest or work, et cetera. And my final question is, Chelsea, why can't I find any pictures from your wedding? For some reason, I thought I saw something years ago and I have a memory of you coming out on a horse, but maybe that was someone else's Vogue. Vogue wedding. We're really looking forward to your advice. Thanks. Bye.

[Lauren Garrone]

We will answer your question in a second. But I love that this fuck it has maybe confused Bianca Jagger's Studio 54 birthday party with your wedding.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Do I seem like the kind of person who would get married on a horse?

[Lauren Garrone]

First of all, wow, you've heard of horse girls. Now meet anti horse girls.

[Chelsea Fairless]

I would dress my bulldog in a tuxedo and make him be the ring bearer. But that is the only animal involvement I think I would want with a wedding. Yeah, there aren't a ton of photos of my wedding on Instagram because it was very small and I didn't really post about it at the time.

[Lauren Garrone]

Here and there on their anniversaries, you can see glimpses of the wedding.

[Chelsea Fairless]

But to get to your other questions, I mean, where do I even start? Since you're a queer couple in Maine, I'm gonna assume that you have a Subaru. So you should definitely decorate that car with the whole like, just married thing and do the cans and everything. If you are going to do the big wedding in Maine.

[Lauren Garrone]

You've already heard us discuss that. You basically have two wedding options, and I know you think there's a third, which is just a small destination wedding. I'm here to tell you it's not going to be possible. So you can elope or you can have a whole ass wedding in Maine.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Yeah, I think you should elope at the courthouse. Spend maximum amount of money on the clothes, decorating the Subaru, the wedding photographer and then just have a really nice dinner, like a smallish dinner at a restaurant or get like a private room in a restaurant and just invite your friends and you'll be there in your wedding outfits and it'll be fab. If a 40 person destination wedding in the UK is on the table, I am going to assume that designer is not out of the question for your look. Definitely don't buy a women's suit. I feel like a lot of women shouldn't even wear women's suits. I think it's better to buy men's suits and get them tailored generally. But if you're not a suit person, that's kind of hard. Although I do have one suggestion which would be essence. ESSENCE has really, really great wedding clothes for people of all genders. They actually had a campaign recently that had like a non binary couple that was getting married and they have more eccentric, less binary options. But if you are going to do a suit, if money is no object, I would do Sailorat or Dries Van Noten. If you're looking for designer on a less pricey scale, I would go with acne and of course invest in the tailoring.

[Lauren Garrone]

We also have a friend named James Ford. He was a contestant on Next in Fashion one season. He has a brand called Rowena Social Club. Trans man does a lot of queer weddings. He also does custom suits and has very cool suiting option. So we will link to that in our show notes. Here's the thing. Weddings can be whatever you want it to be until your parents get involved and then they will have ideas. So I think spending maximum budget to elope, very chic.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Spend the money on clothes, hotels, a nice sit down dinner and a suit.

[Lauren Garrone]

That you may have forever. All right, Chelsea, we've come to the end of the Loveline calls. I can think of no better call to go out on than this one.

[Caller]

Hi, Lauren and Chelsea. I just wanted to share a hopeful relationship story for this Valentine's Day. The other day my partner went down on me and then proceeded to look me in the eyes and say, now let's eat charcuterie and drink wine all day and watch Sex in the City. And it was the hottest day thing anyone's ever said to me and I just wanted to give all the girlies out there some hope. And yeah, never settle for anything less than that. All right, thanks. Love you guys. Bye.

[Lauren Garrone]

Wow, caller, that was beautiful.

[Chelsea Fairless]

That was gorgeous. I'm so glad we're able to end this episode on a positive note, thank God it got dark there for a bit.

[Lauren Garrone]

Yeah. So if you are single and you've come to the end of this episode and had to trudge through our pretty mid advice I think that we've given on dating, just know that there are incredible guys and girls and they's out there that will eat you out. Have a charcuterie board prepared and watch Sex in the City with you all day while drinking wine. That is a romance that not even Carrie Bradshaw herself could think up.

[Chelsea Fairless]

It's a beautiful thing. Happy Valentine's Day, guys.

[Lauren Garrone]

All right, guys, we'll see you next week.

[Chelsea Fairless]

Bye.