A (29:42)
She dated this man years ago. Like, what did she say? 13. They knew each other 13 years ago or something, or haven't talked in 13 years. But then they reconnected and they went to Cabo together. And it was funny to me because she was. He said on the phone, they're facetiming and he lives three hours away in California. But, like, three hours away. And they went to Cabo for five days. And on the phone he's like, I could have stayed for another three days. And Brittany's like, oh, Darcy, you don't mean that. Three. Three. No, three more days. And I was thinking, like, yeah, like, three more days. Like, that's not that big of a deal. Like, it was. What a weird sort of compliment to give your new girlfriend. It's like, I could have stayed three extra days. Like, we were there for five days. Well, guess what, baby? I can stay for three more days. Now, usually in the beginning of relationship, you would. You sort of feel like you could spend every day with them, not just, like, eight days total. Like, that's what made me laugh. It's like, I could have spent eight days total with you, and it would have been fine. And it's like, yeah, in a new relationship, like, you usually want to spend every minute with them, not just eight total days, but it was like, yeah, I could have spent three more days with you. Love that. But Brittany's got her sporkle back, and she deserves that. And she got sunburned in Cabo. She said, I'm sunburned. I'm burnt to a crisp. And she says they fucked. But I think on, like, their first date back with each other, she said it, but in a nice Kentucky way. She's like, yeah, we fucked. But not, like saying those words. Do you know what I'm saying? But if he fucks her over, I swear to God, this Brandon, I don't know if he fucks her over like Jax Rotten Hill, you know, I just hope she's being careful. She needs to be careful. Now. Then we cut to Schwartz and Zach, my other favorite couple on the show. God bless Benji, but I do love Schwartz and Zach together. And Zach, right when he showed up, he grabbed Schwartz by the love handles. Now, I do want to say that this is actually. You know how I say grippers on the show? Like, I call hands grippers or feet lower grippers. So I've been saying this for years now. And actually, the reason it started is because in high school, the origin of grippers was because we had this friend who would grab these young. Some of my girlfriends, he would, like, grab their sides, which is what Zach did to Schwartz when he entered, like, grab their love handles. And I remember a girlfriend of mine, and we, like, got mad at our friend, and I was like, stop. Put your dirty grippers away. And, like, so then grippers became A thing with my friends. But so grippers. That's where the origin of that term was, was because we had this other friend who was, like, grabbing girls by their love handles. And it was like, nobody wants to be grabbed there. And it wasn't even happening to me, but I had to stick up for my girlfriends. I was like, get your dirty fucking grippers out of here, because you shouldn't be grabbing someone by the love handles. And I think it's, like, a weird, flirty thing to do. But I don't care who you are. Like, if you're the hottest man in the world, like, I don't want you grabbing at my love handles. Like, that is. You can pat me on the back or slap my ass. Like, I'm not too particular. Otherwise, like, you could pretty much touch anywhere else. I'm okay with that. You know, I'm. I'm giving you all consent at the moment right now. Within reason. Within reason. But love handles. I will not give my consent. Like, if you. If any of you were to come up to me and, like, grab me by the love handles, like, I would. I would never speak to you again. Like, I can't handle that. It's not okay. It's not okay. But anyway, so watching Zach do it to Schwartz, it just made me think of the origin of the term grippers. And on this podcast. But I do like them. There was also a Katy flashback, which was shocking to me, and I hate to say. I mean, should I say that I do. I sort of want this show to just turn into Vanderpump Rules. Like the OG cast. Yes. Like, I wouldn't be upset if Katie was on this show. Like, I kind of want her on this show. Is that weird? I do want her on the show. I want all of them to come back. But Zach and Benji, they're very. They have an open relationship. So it's okay if Zack gets with them. Schwartz. Because Zach said they're in an open relationship. He's a trailblazer, I think. And he says, oh, he does tell Schwartz, as he's talking about being in an open relationship with Benji, he does say something about Jesus putting prostate in the butthole because he knew butt sex was. Wasn't just for babies in reference to Jesus. Now, the medical journey was a bit unclear to me at the time, but I thought it was important to bring that up because Zach was going on and on about something about Jesus and the prostate in the butthole, and I was like, I don't know if that was in the Bible. But it's in Zach's Bible, and that's okay with me because I do love Zach on the show. And so I'm going to believe that that's what Jesus wanted. But I didn't really understand the medical journey he took us on, if I'm being quite honest. And so I would like to be able to recap it further, but I don't. Further farther. But I don't really understand. Anyway, then we cut to Nia and Kristen. We talked about this. They get lunch with the Bebes. Kristen said pregnancy was fun because everyone was so nice to her. She's like, now everybody's mean. I had the baby, and nobody gives a flying fuck. And that would be a mind fuck. I love them both. And Kristen looks so frazzled. Nia looks so put together. Kristen looks on the brim. Meanwhile, Kristen and Luke's house. Jesse comes over there, and he talks about Lacy, the girlfriend who, lest I remind you all, Lacy's the girlfriend who was in the finale, which we see later in the episode. But in the finale of last season of the Valley, Lacy had this big fight with everybody, and she didn't sign a release form, so everybody thought, like, well, we can't use the footage. And I remember the audience, we were pissed. Like, well, they talked about at the reunion, but we were never able to see the footage. And now seemingly Lacy's in the cast. And so Lacy more than anyone else, I'm, like, very excited about because she sort of feels like a villain. I like when on these shows, like, a new villain comes in for, like, just a season. And I was getting. How do I say this? It's like Janet. Yes. Has been the villain of the show for the first few seasons. Janet and Jax. We lost Jax. And I'm kind of over having Janet as the villain. Like, I would like to see other sides of Janet. And so I am of the opinion that we needed a villain to come in and just take hold of the show. And it looks like Lacy's gonna be that. And I'm excited about it. And I also think it allows Jesse to lean into his villainry, because I think Jesse has a lot of villainry. But almost like, when he. When he'll, like, toe up to the line of villainry, right? Like, he'll give us a little bit, and then he scales back. And I'm hoping him and Lacy just, like, lean it. I want them to be like Boris and Natasha from the Rocky Bullwinkle movie or the Rocky and Bullwinkle show. Remember Renee Russo and Robert De Niro, like, I want, like, what the fuck was that about? I hate to derail us, but like Robert De Niro signing up for the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie circa 2000 or 2001. A shocking turn of events. I know he was embracing comedy at that time, but just imagine Robert De Niro on set with Renee Russo and they later starred together in the movie the Internet. So I think they're friends. But I can't imagine, like, Robert De Niro acting alongside Renee Russo and trying to pretend like Rocky and Bullwinkle, the animated characters were aside or next to them because they shot it. It was like live action. If you've never seen it, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Anyway, I want Jesse and Lacy to be the Boris and Natasha of this show. Now, Luke, in this scene with Jesse, I will say he needed a fresh pair of socks. And I'm sorry, somebody has to say it. He's got the baby blues. And I'm sympathetic to the fact that he wants to fuck Kristen and Kristen's not interested. But I'm also empathetic to Kristen. Like, yeah, Kristen just had a baby. Like, leave her the fuck alone. You know, like, go rub one out in the bathroom or something. But before he does that, he needs to get a new pair of socks. Because again, I was looking at those lower grippers and the hooves, you could see them through the socks. And there comes a point where you need to look at the socks and if they're see through, you need to throw them in the trash. I'm not. You don't need to donate them. You don't need to repurpose them. You need to throw them in the garbage. Right in the garbage can. My art teacher in eighth grade used to call it the garbage. She didn't say garbage can. And I don't know what kind of accent she had, but she said, throw it in the garbage. And so Luke needs to throw those fucking old ass socks in the garbage because they were see through. And I love Luke and he's a handsome fella. And again, I like that he's opening. I like that him and Kristen are open up about their sex life because that's a vulnerable thing to do on television. But you know what else is a vulnerable thing to do is throwing away your old dirty socks, Luke. And so maybe that needs to be next week's scene. You and Schwartz get together and just burn all your old socks and get some new ones. Go sock shopping. Because I can't look at Schwartz's bear hooves anymore either. He's always got those. Those dogs out barking and we don't need to see it. And so I would like them to go up to the sock shop or head online. Go to bombas.com Bombas is a sponsor on this podcast. We love our Bombas socks. They make good quality socks. And they. I forget they donate. If you buy one, you get a donate. It's like a good thing. We love our Bombas. So maybe next week on the show we see them hopping online and get some Bombas. They sell kid socks on Bombas too. So, you know, you could do it all on the shop and get the baby. But Kristen said she hates her body. She's like, yeah, Luke wants to have sex with me, but, like, I'm not interested. I don't feel comfortable in my body. And I get that. I get that. Meanwhile, speaking of body, what else is going on? Janet's got a skin tag on her gooch. A sentence I never thought I'd say. That's right. She's going to a party or something. I was like, I knew she's trying not to be the villain this season, but I don't know that we need to know about her skin tag on her gooch. Which was a surprise to me because they're walking. It was like, not even a. They weren't even seated at the restaurant. I think they were, like, walking into the restaurant for a group scene. I wonder if she even knew they'd use that on camera because they. She probably thought, like, oh, they're filming us walking into the restaurant. It'll probably just be. They'll probably have music over the shot of us walking into the restaurant. But instead they, like, use the audio of Janet being like, yeah, I got a skin tag on my gooch. And so I don't even know if she knew that was gonna happen. I don't know if she was aware that they'd use that. That audio. Just the sound clip of her saying, I got a skin tag on my gooch. Because they did. They did. And so God bless. And I hope it's either healing or the doctors looking. I don't know what happens with the skin tag on the gooch. I'm not familiar, but. And I think maybe it was. Did she say it was from the pregnancy or something? So God bless. You know, everybody's got. I actually supportive of her because she's opening up about things that maybe people don't want to talk about. They always say reality TV is a mirror of culture. And sometimes Reality tv, we need it because we need to see ourselves on screen in order to confront some of the things that we're all going through in our personal lives. And so I'm certain that there's somebody out there also has a skin tag on their gooch. And so they saw Janet and open up and bought this and made them feel less alone. And so for that, we salute Janet. You're gonna open up a skin tag on your gooch to help somebody get through the day? So be it. That's what these shows are, a mirror to our culture. And so I salute Janet for the skin tag on her gooch being a clip on the show. God bless. God bless. Amen. Then Janet, Brittany, Lala, and Michelle, they all eat at this restaurant. Brittany's still tan from Cabo. And this is where she said, the new boyfriend's got a big dick. She's like, he's got a big dick. Yuk, yuk. You know, I don't know if she said those exact words. So he got big dick energy because he's got big dick. He got a big old dick. He got big dick energy because he's got a big old dick. Oh, I love this show. I'm so happy Britney's back on our screens. I hope they gave her a raise. She deserves that. Not only for having to deal with Jax. I guess her raise really came in the form of Brandon's big dick. Right? Like, I mean, that's actually good for her. Good for her. He got a big old dick. I love her. Then Janet talks about leaving Britney's house at that event that happened off camera and how the. Her son was screaming and crying. She feels bullied by Kristen. It got really slow. They sort of slowed down and did this, like, slow motion thing with Janet. It got real dramatic. Then the sip and sea. Kristen storms into her own sip and sea. 20 minutes late, just, like, stressed and harried again. And I loved that Schwartz is there and Schwartz and Michelle. Schwartz had some interesting. I mean, the whole episode is really like, Schwartz is coming out. And I'm not saying Schwartz is gay, but he definitely came out as, like, an ally this episode because not only did he have that flirtation scene with Zach, but then when seemingly producers want him to flirt with Michelle because now she's single, he's single. I would imagine the producers were like, oh, that let's have them be a storyline together. But instead, Schwartz is, like, talking to Michelle and he's like, hey, did you ever see how Stella got her groove back? And she's like, no, I. No, I haven't seen that. And then he said something about, like, live, laugh loving. And he's like, I'm so Julia Roberts right now. And I was like, who's shorts hanging out with these days? Because God bless, I want to hang out with them too. Talking about Julia Roberts, How Stella Got the groove Back. They also mentioned, Michelle mentioned Vota Spa in shorts. They come to Vota Spa. Let's go to Vota Spa. And you guys, I used to bartend there. That's right. Years, like decade ago, I used to bartend at Vota Spa. It's a spa, but it had a bar attached. I'm sure I've told this story a million times on the show, but I worked at the bar. So people would come into the bar in their towels or robes or something. And sometimes there was a couple. Like, there was this one guy who was like a childhood crush of mine, like a sexual awakening for me. And I remember he came into the bar in just a towel because they come from their spa treatments. And I remember just being like, so
