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- [00:03]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm excited. We're never together without our children.
- [00:12]
B
I know.
- [00:12]
A
It's so fun.
- [00:14]
B
Okay, there's Zach. He was trying to say hi to us.
- [00:16]
A
I didn't see him. I'm focused on being with you in the roller coaster, nothing else. And I feel like you're a little critical of each.
- [00:22]
B
Not Billy. It's like performative.
- [00:25]
A
Literally. This is how my natural demeanor is without children. I'm always with kids.
- [00:29]
B
We're not doing that.
- [00:30]
A
Looking at me like they're crazy.
- [00:32]
B
What would you like to do, baby girl? You're on a roller coaster with that man, that demon Danny. I do not care for him. Hello, everyone. Welcome to everything iconic with me, Danny Pellegrino. I hate to say that you're here with Danny Pellegrino, because we're also going to be dragging another Danny. I hate to even share a name with that man. The guy from the valley who is just the worst. I mean, speaking of four under four, NIA's got five under five. Five. Because that little man is basically a child himself. He can't even hold the baby. They were on a train. She was trying to eat a burrito. She's got the baby strapped to her chest. He's getting a massage from Luke, and he's like, I'm going to get coffee. She's just trying to shove a burrito in her mouth to get some lunch in her. And he's not even helping the baby. And then he's complaining he needs to go get a coffee. Then he's. Then he was complaining. There was one point in the episode where he had to put the baby down. He's like, I need a swaddle. I got a swaddle. It's like, go get a fucking swaddle yourself. Figure it out. What do you mean, like, you can't. She was trying. That was another time where she was trying to eat a sandwich. She's trying to get nutrition when she can, because she needs nutrition so she can feed the baby, because she's breastfeeding the child. So she does need the food to replenish her nutrients. And then he's coming in and saying, where's the swaddle? I can't do this. Baby keeps waking up without a swaddle. It's like, guess what, Danny? You should know by now you have three other kids. You should know that you swaddle the baby. And anything you could find, any old blanket or anything. Like, it's not like you need the Halo sleep sack swaddle or whatever the fuck it is. It's like you just find something and swaddle the baby. Figure it the fuck out. I'm so mad. I'm mad as hell. I'm mad as hell. That man. We're gonna talk about the episode. I know we didn't cover the Valley last week. And here's the thing. I'm overstimulated. I'm very. So apologies in advance. In advance. Beginning of the episode, first few minutes, I wanna just apologize. I'm overstimulated. They are doing construction in our backyard.
- [02:19]
A
So.
- [02:20]
B
So I'm trying to record this episode on the brief break from construction in the backyard. They've been jackhammering. I got 11 month old jackhammering going on. I am. I'm. I'm. I'm on the brim. I am on the brim. I've lost my sparkle. I am definitely getting my sparkle back. I need to get my sparkle back. And it's because it is gone. Because I am. I'm on the brim of freaking out because it's just a lot. It's a lot jackhammering and it's a brief break. I don't know how long they're gonna be on a break for. I don't know how long this jackhammering is gonna take. I'm losing my brain. And not only that, it's like we're trying. We can't even go outside with the baby because there's so much like chaos construction in the backyard. And I feel like there's. I'm scared of all, like the dust and particles and everything, which maybe is crazy of me. Anyway, I don't have the baby here with me now. Matt's got the baby, so that's good. But we're gonna talk about the Valley. Again, I apologize. Last week we didn't cover the Valley. I thought I was gonna get to it, but here's the problem. The show was so. How do I say this? It was so bad last week. It was so terrible last week that I knew I would get to it late. And then I was like, I don't want to cover it because it was just kind of depressing. But I do want to say that last week we haven't even gotten a chance to really dive into this. I might have mentioned it briefly on the Summer house recap, but there are reports that Michelle, who. I'm loving Michelle this season. To me, she's like the standout bright spot of the season. Michelle. She. It was revealed there were like, pictures of her Paparazzi photos of her holding Dr. Dre's hand. She's dating Dr. Dre, I guess. I mean, we haven't gotten any confirmation. They have been asking the other cast members. I've seen interviews. Janet was on Watch what Happens Live. Kristen was interviewed. People are like, what's going on with Michelle and Dr. Dre? And they're all trying to. They're all kind of playing coy. I feel like they know, but they're not telling us they know. And so we're not getting any answers. And it's like, I need someone to mic the fuck up with Michelle, get back to filming and edit it into these episodes. Because the not hitting for me this season, it's actually too depressing to watch this show. And I'm sorry to say, like, I. Okay, again, I apologize in advance for this episode. And I'm gonna be complaining, and I am sorry about that. I know a lot of people, they don't want to tune into me complaining for an hour, but I can't help myself. This week. I have literally no choice. Like, I wish I could shut my big fat mouth and not complain, but unfortunately, I just can't. Some weeks, I just can't do it. And it was either take another week off from the Valley or come on the microphone and complain. So I chose the latter. And so I'm going to just say that I love children, obviously. Love seeing the kids. Love seeing kids. I'm a new father. If anyone can relate to what's going on in the Valley, I feel like it should be me because I had a child the same time as Danny and Kristen and Luke. They're all literally a week apart. Literally, they were born. So I should be watching this and feel relating. I should feel like I'm relating and enjoying it, but instead, I feel like I'm watching hell. And it's so depressing and sad. And if anything, I think this season, a lot of people are saying, oh, this season's a good. A good example of birth control. Or watching it is like birth control, right? But I actually think watching it is a case for longer parental leave from work because they started filming three months after these kids were born. And they shouldn't be. They should have gotten elite. They should. And this goes for all professions because I think this is a shining example of what it's like to go back into the workforce after just a few months off, after having a newborn. And these women are going through postpartum, and so they shouldn't have to get back to work because I'm feeling bad for the gals on this show. I feel bad for Kristen and Nia. I feel bad for the babies having to film at all these events. I mean, how many events are we going to have to see the baby? Remember they went to that 90s night and Nia had to bring the mom and the baby had to sit on the sprinter van. Then Brittany had the pool party. All the kids had to go. I don't know. They sent the babies up to the attic with the nannies and they had to go because Nia and Danny had to film. Then we have the baby having to go on a train to San Diego. It's like that baby. Are they a paid cast member? Because at this point, the baby's going on all the events. The baby should be getting paid. So I don't think Bravo's loosened up the purse strings for the baby. So they maybe should have pushed filming a few months. And in general, I think parents need longer time leave because you just birthed and had a child brought into the world. And so to have to go film three months. Not only that, it's like the audience, we don't. I hate to say it, I don't think the audience is really interested in seeing all these babies going on these events. And this. The fact that the cast, the cast trip this week, I know they just. It's like the mini cast trip going to San Diego. But it's. It was pretty depressing to me that it's like a half of them aren't drinking. Like, Brittany's doing the mommy makeover, so the doctor said she can't drink. Not that that stopped her in the past. Not that a doctor hasn't told her to stop drinking in the past. Remember on Vanderpump Rules when she had the ulcer and then they went on the cast trip and she just started boozing like a. Like a. I don't know, a booze hound. Basset hound. What are they do. Basset hounds booze? Is that a thing? I don't know. But she was boozing like a basset hound over in that cast trip. I think they went. Was that the Hawaii trip or something? I don't know. But. So she's not drinking because of that. Then we have Lala, of course, doesn't drink. She's sober, which is great support. Wonderful. Nia and Kristen aren't drinking. It's like, I don't think anybody wants to be on this cast trip. It also, like, I'm sorry to say, like, if I. And again, I have a baby, so I understand, and I'm empathetic to these women who are doing it for work. But. But if I was doing a cast or a friend trip with a group of friends, I don't even want them to bring their babies, and I know they don't want me to bring my baby. If you're doing a friend trip, it's like you got to get away from the baby. Like, it just ruins the vibe of a trip. And again, this isn't on Kristen or Nia or whatever, because I understand. They're working. They're working. There are single moms who work two jobs who love their kids and never stop, in the words of Reba McEntire's theme song. And Nia's essentially a single mom, because that. And there are single moms. I mean, I know they're married and. Or engaged, but, like, they're single moms. Because these men aren't really stepping up to do much, it seems, from what we're watching. And so. And then they have to go on this cast trip, but it's like, it just ruins the vibe because it's like they go to the amusement park and it just feels they're taking the vibe down. It's not their fault because they're having to take care of these childs or children. Child's children. See, I'm all worked up. I can't even get my words right. So I feel like they should. No one who in the audience wants to watch. Like, I know the cast members don't want to be on this friend group trip with babies. And then certainly if they don't even want to do it, why would I want to watch it? I don't want to watch that. And again, I'm happy. I'm not trying to say anything about their parenting except for the men, because they're not parenting well. But for the women, I know they're just doing their best, but this is why they should have taken some extra time off. And I don't know, I feel like, you know, Sheena dodged a bullet. Sheena Shay Shishi. You know how she said she. I guess, like, the thing was they wanted her, but then they didn't want her. And then I think they were maybe punishing her for not. She was supposed to be on the Valley, and then maybe they were punishing her for the book or something. I don't know what exactly happened, but Shina Shay dodged a bullet, and the show should be backing up a truck into her driveway for some money for next Season, I'm sorry to say, I know a lot of people hate Sheena. I get it. But wouldn't we have rather have watched the fallout between her and Brock after the Brock cheating scandal was revealed in her book? Not to mention she has a built in feud with Lala. So that would have been more interesting. Not only that, it would have been better for these women, for Kristen and Nia and these moms on the show because the focus wouldn't have been solely on them to bring the storyline for the season. Because all we've been focusing on this season is the postpartum journey of those two. There's not really a whole lot else going on. A bullshit storyline about Schwartz pretending to date even though he's dating that girl who he finally met this week. And then what else? Do we have anything else? Michelle doing some cartwheels. God bless. I did love the scene with her and Lala at the end of the episode where they talked about their parents, but other than that, it's like, what, have her doing cartwheels at the gym? And so we would have had a major story arc with the Sheena stuff and instead they didn't want to cough up the money, loosen up the purse strings. And so we're getting this postpartum journey. But it would have, it would have had less pressure on Kristen and Nia because I would imagine Kristen's been on reality TV long enough. She must have felt the pressure of, even though she's three months into motherhood, she's like thinking, okay, I got to deliver for the show. I got to do something so they can tell. These cast members who've been on these shows for a while, they can tell when, like, things are flopping. There's nothing going on, it's boring. And so you have to step up in certain ways. And so it would have been a little bit of a relief for them. But instead we're not getting Sheena Shay. But. So she dodged a bullet by missing this season. But the show needs her, I think. Or they need something else going on because. Oh, then we, yeah, we could have been enjoying adult drama that's about like infidelity with her and Brock, you know, or. I hate to laugh at that, but I'm laughing at the fact that it's like, that'd be more enjoyable than having to watch the postpartum journeys, which I'm empathetic towards. But it's like a tough watch on tv, I think. Okay, did I get it off? Off my chest? Did we talk enough about the Dr. Drave at all. I don't understand that. You guys like, what. What the. What the. What's going on? Anyway, let's keep it moving.
- [11:53]
A
So let's keep it moving.
- [11:57]
B
We open. Speaking of. Let's keep it moving on. Let's keep a. Moving on. We opened with just a montage of all the people. So we saw Lala and so Sad Home. We saw Michelle with Isabella at home. We see Tom Tom Schwartz is behind the bar. I don't understand. Did you guys see. So Pump closed. And then did you see they moved the Tom Tom or they moved the Pump sign to Tom Tom. So now I think, like, TomTom and I haven't been by it in a while, but they put the pump sign on TomTom. But it's like, what the fuck does this mean? All these biz. I'm noticing it a lot happening, actually, because you notice these businesses that go out of business, then they team up with another business. It's happening with Bed, Bath and Beyond. They're like, teaming up with the Container Store. And so there's these Container Stores now that say Bed, Bath and Beyond on the. It says Container Store and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Or if you go into Staples, let's say Party City. And you're like, wait, is this Staples or Party City? I went into Macy's the other day. Macy's got Toys R Us in Toys R Us went out of business. But you go inside of Macy's in the children's department, and there's a whole section that says Toys R Us. It's like, well, where am I? Why don't. Where am I? And that's what's happening with Pump and TomTom. They're trying to do these, like, crossover stores. And I don't know, it's because they're all flopping. But so does that mean I'm worried? I think Tom Tom. It'll close, right? Probably. Probably. I'm sure sir would close. Like, they're hanging on by a thread there. I feel like even in that new season, Vanderpump Rules. It was, like, clear. Nobody goes there no more. And the only people in there were, like, the crew. They can't even get extras in that place at this point. So I'm worried about all these places. I'm worried about the Tom Tom. But Schwartz is over there. He's with this Kiana. Am I saying that name right? They met at Shorts and Sandy's. And I would look. I have been. I've been loving Schwartz this season on the show. Maybe that's Not a popular opinion. I like his sort of goofy demeanor and his lightness. So I just want to say that up front before I say to this gal, Kiana, like, girl, what are you doing? What are you doing? Girl, what are you doing? Kiana, what are you doing? What are you doing? And I'm not someone who, I'm not. Gosh, how do I say this? I'm not like a big age, the age gap thing. I understand. I think sometimes people take it too far. I think when you're an adult, she's obviously 27 years old, so she's not like an infant that you can't make a decision by herself. However, it always comes back around to Bravo. And I always say this on the show, but like Patty Stenger, my arch nemesis from Millionaire Matchmaker, she once said that anything over 10 years is going to be much more difficult in relationship. And so Schwartz is 43 and she's 27. That's like a, that's like a big age gap. It's going to be tough. So I'm not saying it can't be done, but do I think it can be done with these two? Certainly not. And so she approached him. And I also think it goes back to that thing I was saying on the podcast a few weeks ago where like the Arrested Development with these men on Bravo. It's like, this is a prime example of what I was talking about because Tom Schwartz is on this TV show and God bless him, but she's a 27 year old model. She's stunning looking, Stunning, stunning with those glass, all that glasses work. She was doing what the fuck that was about. But that's neither here nor there. The point is she's stunning and she went up to Schwartz. It was revealed in this episode at Schwartz and Sandy's, she went up to him to flirt and now they're dating. And it's like, this is why all the men are in Arrested Development. Because all of you people, all of you young gals out there, you young models are going up to Tom Schwartz and you're hitting on him and, and then you're dating him. It's like, are you kidding me? All right, Kiana girl, this is what's, this is what's going to keep these men in arrest development. Because now shorts at 43 years old thinks like, oh yeah, look, I could just get some gorgeous 27 year old model to come up to me at a bar. So it's like, it's like that's what's going to keep him in Arrested development because as soon as this doesn't work out, Kiana wakes up and realizes maybe it's not the best situation for her. Or if something happens between them, I should be optimistic and root for them. But if something happens, this relationship, Tom's going to be what, 44, 45, and think, oh, well, last time I was just sitting at a bar and some 27 year old model came up to me, probably because she knew him from the show, obviously. And then he's going to think he could just keep doing that. And that's what keeps men like him and Shep and all those Southern charm guys. Austin, that's what keeps them at the bars, keeps them at thinking they could just hook up with anybody. And it keeps them acting like a 27 year old themselves. And so it's like they're never going to grow up. I don't know. But he could grow up if. If it works out for them. I know. I feel like that was such a pessimistic take. I'm sorry, Kiana. She's stunning. I didn't understand the glasses and Zach sort of shaded it in his confessionals, but it was making me laugh. But let's see. So they're at Schwartz and Sandy's before even Kiana. I don't even think she arrived yet. But the other ones arrived. Britney arrived in a Canadian tuxedo.
- [17:02]
A
Things are yucky in Kentucky Gumshoe.
- [17:08]
B
A lot of times I'm like, what is Britt Bananas wearing? I don't know, but she is beautiful gal. And she says she's getting her words titties out and she's not doing any booze because she's got the mommy makeover. And they showed a flashback to that doctor who I already said I hated because he was talking shit about Britney when they were there or about Kristen when they were there. Now he's pissing me off even more because in the flashback to Brit Bananas at the doctor's office, he's like, okay, we're gonna lipo those flanks. And I'm like, excuse me, I beg your pardon. No one should be using the term flanks to describe any part of my body. I would literally do a citizen's arrest if I was Brittany. And a man grabbed my side or back fat and said, I'm gonna get rid of these flanks. I'd say, sir, you're locked up, I'm locking you up. It's a citizen's arrest and you're on can to camera because we got a camera. And so a court of law would probably find that to be a normal reason to be locked up, because there's no reason that you should be grabbing my side and calling it a flank. I don't think that's a medical term. Any doctors out there? Can you confirm to me? I don't think that's a medical term. So if anything, you could say, oh, I'll lipo your side, femur, or whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. I'm not a medicinal. I'm not a person who knows the body. I just don't. But I know it's not called flank. I don't think it's called flank. Can somebody confirm or deny that? And so for him to just grab a part of her on camera. On camera and say, oh, I'm gonna lipo those flanks. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. The. That man wouldn't have made it to the surgery because he would have been locked up and put in jail or. Or six feet under or something. I don't. I'd be pissed. I'd be pissed is the point. Then Zach and Janet made up at this table. They're sort of sitting there making jokes, and it was funny to me. Like, Janet was really pushing Janet. Actually, this is not gonna be popular at all. But to me, Janet was, like, the comic relief of this episode. That's right. I said it. I said it because she was being funny with the whole Zach thing. And then even on the train, she was, like, trying to annoy Kristen and Nia, and it was working, like. And it was making me laugh because she's just trying to be besties with Zach, and they sort of made up a couple. Was it last week on the show, she had that peace pipe with Kristen, and I thought that was, like, a good sign. But then Kristin said, I think this week on the show that it wasn't actually a peace offering. They were just wanting to get high. They were just wanting to get stoned. And look, I feel the same way watching this show. I'm like, I can't watch the show sober because it's so depressing. Like, somebody needs to light up a joint with me because I can't watch this, take notes, and have to watch these people. I need something to calm me down. I feel like I need a joint right now. I'm getting so worked up talking about these people again. I'm very overstimulated, so if I sound a little extra, it's because I've had lots of coffee, and there's been jackhammering for, like, three days straight outside of my window, and I'm gonna lose it. Okay, so what else, Zach, though? Oh, Kiana arrives with Rachel, who I guess her friend Rachel, who looked very. They look young. I mean, Kiana looks older, but Kiana sits at the head of the table with the sunglasses on, and she says she goes back and forth every other week. She's like, I travel a lot, and then I go to London on Monday. She was kind of doing a lot, but it was her first time filming, and I imagine it's, like, stressful. And I don't want to judge her yet because we barely know her. And again, she's stunning. And I want things to work out with Schwartz because I like him. I've been liking him on the show and everything. I just. The reason I am tough, the reason why I'm tough, you guys, is because we've been watching Bravo for years. How many? 20 years, maybe. And so I feel like I've learned some things about human behavior over that time. And so it concerns me because I could see the writing on the wall, and the writing on the wall is saying, she's fucked. That's what it says. It says it in big magic marker. It just. On my wall, it says, she's fucked. Kiana's fucked up. And so that's what I'm concerned about. Okay, so then she's. Yes. Zach talks about her sunglasses. Tom and Kiana go to the bar, and I guess, like, the seats at the bar are really low. And Tom mentions a phone book, and obviously she was not even around when phone books were around, but Tom says he's crushing hard. And, you know, her sunglass work was reminding me of Nicole Kidman in Practical Magic, which they're doing the sequel soon. I cannot wait for it. I cannot wait. But if you watch the first Practical Magic, it is so much sunglass work. So much by Nicole. There's this one scene that is actually my favorite scene where she's talking to the. One of the. Sandra Bullock's daughters in the movie, and she just keeps grabbing her sunglasses and she lowers him on her nose. Then she lifts him up a little bit, and she's talking about love. She's giving this, like, great monologue about love and all this stuff, and it's so beautiful that. Yeah, it just makes me so happy to watch. And so I'm really thrilled about it. But it's. I guess that's what's going to.
- [22:13]
A
Doing.
- [22:13]
B
Let's take a quick break here. I'm losing my train of thought. I'm gonna come back we're gonna come back. Thank you to Acast. And we'll be right back. And we're back. Okay, bitch, let's gossip. Okay, so then we have Kristen in a costume shop in Hollywood, and I did buy a Groundlings wig here once, so I do recognize this place. But Lacy shows up, so does Nia with the baby. And she had to put a blanket over the baby to not see the demon costumes. So, like, she walked in, the blanket was over the baby's stroller. And I thought, like, another place that the baby don't want to be is on camera at this costume shop. Baby had to go to 90s night, sit on the bus costume shop. Britney's pool party where they toss her in the attic. It wasn't the attic. It was just the upstairs. But it makes me laugh thinking of just, like, Brittany sending everyone upstairs, because I just. That was last week on the show. She's like, okay, all the kids go upstairs. And anyway, then I guess they're buying some costumes for the men because they're gonna be doing some pageant thing. I don't know. It was. Lacy was talking something about Michelle, but I was so distracted that I don't even know what. This was also, like, very overstimulating to me. Those. Any sort of costume. Halloween shop. There's a Halloween shop. It's called, like, Creepy Halloween that I always drive by, and it's, like, still open year round. And, you know, I'm the biggest holiday junkie in the world. But the truth is, that Halloween shop, I'm like, who's going there in May? Like, what is that about? How do they stay open? I don't get it. You don't get it? But then they pick out costumes. The men, they friend Lacey, Kristen and I won't speak to Janet, but they're being friendly with Lacy. And I don't like this. I don't know if we talked about this in the show already, but I don't like when they're trying to push out Janet because it's like they cast Janet, so you have to, like, figure out a way to film with Janet. But it seems to me like they're trying to, like, push Janet out, and they're like, oh, maybe Lacey will take her spot. It's like, I don't. I don't like that. At least Zach is seemingly trying with Janet, and they're having, like, a fun little tit for tat, those two. But like, with Kristen, Nia, I'm like, you guys have to film with her. It's Gonna make the whole audience side with Janet, you know, and we're, it's, you know, just go film with her. It's transparent to me. But Lacy, I guess she's gonna be around Michelle's house. Then we have them all getting ready. We see Zach's apartment, him getting ready. There's his gay flags everywhere. Then it's Santa Clarita. Danny's getting ready. He's only got the ripped jeans. He's only got ripped jeans. He's like, danny, could you please just don't, just don't pack your ripped jeans. I'm gonna pack my ripped jeans. Pack anything else, Danny, I hate that man. He's just like really tough to watch on this show. But Kristen's mad that Zach is flip flopping with Janet. Kristen said the peace pipe wasn't a peace pipe. Then they all get on this train. I didn't even know they could. I didn't even know Kristen shows up to the train. Oh, my gosh. I've never been here before. This is so cool.
- [25:23]
A
Things are yucky in Kentucky, Gumshoe.
- [25:26]
B
She was so excited to be on. She was excited to be on the train. And I like a train, actually. But I didn't even know. I didn't even know there was a train to San Diego. Do I need to do this? San Diego is not that far of a drive anyway. But so I feel like going on the train and everything. Maybe it helped because they had all those people and the kids. Or maybe Bravo. Just this cast is so large. Maybe they just didn't have any money in the budget for like a plane or car service. So they were like, get on the fucking train. We're not paying for all your asses to go on a sprinter van. So get on the train. It's much, much cheaper. Nia's got the baby on the chest and I don't understand, like, so if Nia's breastfeeding and she's got a breastfeed, a three month old, you gotta breastfeed every two hours. They gotta eat right? So if Nia's doing that, I'm seeing too much footage of Nia holding the baby when she's not breastfeeding. So what I mean by that is like, fine, Nia breastfeed when you need to breastfeed, but then if Danny's around, he should be holding that baby's ass while you're relaxing. Because in a half hour, whenever the next feeding is going to be, you're going to have to hold the baby. So when I'M seeing her get on the train and she's holding the baby on her. I'm like, shouldn't he be doing that? Like, I don't understand. Not to mention they also have the babysitter, which it seemed like that's what Danny was mad about, was like, oh, we have a babysitter. Like, why should I be doing anything? And then, yeah, like, hold the baby. He can't do anything though. But again, the babies ruined the vibe of the group trip. I'm sorry to say that it's not gonna be popular. I know parents are gonna get mad at me, but I love. We love kids, but it's a group trip for these people. 30 somethings. Kristen and Luke brought a friend for the baby. Kristen's an anxious traveler, which I get. They flashback to some of the VPR trips she's taken. And now she's got a baby, which is like if you're already. I'm an anxious traveler too. And we haven't gone on a plane with the baby yet. And I'm scared to. I know people. I sort of think we missed that window where people say it's easier pre one or it's easier when they're just not moving around. And now we're, we're past that. So we're. But I, I'm an anxious traveler. And so the idea of like getting on a plane, I just think about everything that could go wrong. I think, I worry, what if the baby starts crying? Or what if the baby. What do we do? It would make me stressed. And so we just haven't gotten on a plane with the baby yet. But so I understand Kristen, I'm on Kristen's side with that. But meanwhile, as Nia's holding this baby and trying to eat a burrito, this is when Luke is giving Danny a massage and Nia's. I don't even think Nia wanted the burrito. Here's the thing. I talked about Kristen on the show a few weeks ago trying to eat a burrito with a fork. And I think that Nia probably chose a burrito because she could do it one handed. And I want Nia to stop having to do things one handed. I want Danny to take the baby so Nia could eat the burrito, not just sit there and get a massage from Luke's ass, like hold the baby so she can eat a burrito. And then if you want, she can. Then she can maybe hold a baby or something. But it's like, why can't you even hold the fucking baby? You're a baby while she's eating a burrito. It's just, like, so frustrating. Janet's riled them all up, though, because she said she's planning a birthday party for Zach. She offers to hold Zach's baby. She's like, I'll be your baby's uterus. And she's just doing this to piss off Kristen and Nia. And I think it's working because they were on that. They look like they needed a cigarette. Kristen was running around that. That train, like, looking for a Marlboro Light. I just know it because she was getting fired up. She's already anxious. She's got the baby. She's on a train. And so she is hearing Janet trying to rile her all up with Zach, and she's hearing Zach kind of go along with it. And Zach was sort of shaking his boots a little bit because he could tell that Nia and Janet or Nia and Kristen could hear that he was talking to Janet. And you could tell he was, like, worried about. He's like, ah, fucking. But anyway, then they get to the San Diego house, which. This was depressing me, too. It's like they're all in three different houses. They sent the parents in one house, like them, the moms with the babies in one house. Then they send the lesbians to another house. And Jasmine and Melissa. It's like, why are they barely in these episodes? It's like, I'd much rather hear from Jasmine and Melissa or Zach and Benji, like, let's highlight the gays a little more. It just is, like, depressing to me that they're all. They're supporting characters in this. And I don't really get why. And I guess the argument. And this is. I think I said this on the podcast before. I. This is why I would love to see. And it won't happen, because why would it? On the Bravo network, they rarely feature gay storylines. At least they did this week on Southern Hospitality. Despite the fact that they have a large gay audience, they very rarely showcase any gay storylines or whatever. But I would love to see on the Valley if it is about parenting. And that's why we're not seeing much of Zach and Benji or Jasmine and Melissa. Then let's get some gay parents on there. And I don't mean. I'm not saying me, I'm just saying, but, like, in the Valley, there's a lot of. I live in the Valley, and there's a lot of gay parents on there. So it's like, that would at least get that in there or something? Because it's depressing to me that they just kind of edit out the gay people on this show or they're like just side characters serving the straight characters. And that just feels very 1995. And I don't care for it. I'm complaining about everything today, aren't I? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am. Don't. I'm gonna get my sporkle back soon, I promise. I am definitely getting my sparkle back. Okay, so Janet's piss him off. The San Diego house. Jesse's taking the giant room. And Lala's like, hell, you are. And then she's like, me and Michelle are. She's like, this is Michelle's trip. We're taking this room. And I thought this was gonna, like, lead somewhere else. But then it. This was like, not a feud that led to anything. They were just like, okay, well, then you better get out of the room. And then Jesse's like, no, you get out of the room. But then I don't even think we got a resolution to it. It was just like, okay, like, we moved on. Like, what the fuck are we doing? I was having the worst time ever. As they were picking out the rooms, it just felt, like, very bleak and depressing. And then all of a sudden, they showed a pickleball court. And I was like, ah, fuck. As if I wasn't having a worse time. Then they were like, Danny and Luke were outside, and they're like, look, a pickleball court. I'm like, I can't watch them play pickleball if I have to watch them play pickleball. I'm out. Let's see, Kristen, Luke, Danny near. And the nannies are at the baby house. Jasmine and Melissa at the small house. And the other one. Then Nia and Danny. We see a little behind the door moment. Mia's like, can you put Adelaide down? He's like, I need a swaddle. And this is what we talked about. Danny's frustrated. He's just so useless. He's mad the babysitter can't put the baby down. And she's like, it just takes 10 minutes with the baby died. Oh, you didn't give me a swaddle. And she keeps opening the eyes. It's like, okay, well, you're the parent. Like, why can't you figure it out? What do you. I don't know. I don't know. You know, these tr. The hard thing about watching this is, like, I've said this, but with all the baby Stuff. It's like the women are expected to do everything. And it's weird being a gay parent because with. There's no. We can't just. There's no mom or there's no mom in the situation. So you split the duties pretty evenly, right? But in, in straight culture, it's like the women are expected and then the men have to do like one little thing. And it's not like they're taking on other traditional gender roles. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's not like Danny's going to a 9 to 5 job and NIA's the stay at home parent, right? And so it would almost like, that would almost make a little more sense if, like, he was going off to a 9 to 5 office job and she was or vice versa. Because I also think that happens in relationships. But, like, whoever the stay at home parent is, but that's not what's happening. So they're not in like that traditional gender role. So it's like he's not doing a nine to five. What the fuck is he doing? Some voiceover work or whatever. It seems like she's probably through her social media sponsorships, probably bringing in just as much, if not more than Dani is. So then that means he should be picking up some of the slack with the parenting. But it's like he wants to be in that traditional gender role where it's like Nia's the one putting the babies down, feeding the babies, doing all this with the baby. And what is he doing? Like, how is he contributing? Like, what is he doing to contribute to the relationship other than taking his wife out to Santa Clarita, a place that she don't even fucking want to live because it looks like a Tim Burton movie and making her live there and keeps impregnating her and just wants more and more babies, but then doesn't want to take on any of the work of the parenting. And it's like, well, what are you, what are you. What are you doing? What are you bringing to this relationship? And I hate to say that, actually, I don't hate to say that. I'm frustrated by that man. He can't even put the baby down for 10 minutes. Meanwhile, Schwartz is afraid of mayonnaise. That was a reveal. That was a reveal for the ages. Meanwhile, they showed. It was so funny to me. It was a really quick moment, but Schwartz is like, I'm afraid of mayonnaise. And then they showed a clip of Brittany making sandwiches and she was just like, loading them up with mayonnaise. She said, I love mayonnaise. I love me some mayonnaise. And meanwhile, Schwartz is like, I'm afraid of mayonnaise. And it just made me laugh so much. Brittany. I love my Kentucky muffin.
- [34:38]
A
Things are yucky in Kentucky. Gumshoe.
- [34:41]
B
Just putting together that sandwich. I'm on her side. I like a mayonnaise. I do. Call me crazy. Call me Kentucky. I love me some mayonnaise. Okay, so Kristen's also. She's wearing diapers. See, this is so depressing. I am empathetic and sympathetic to it. And I think it's so brave of these women to come on here and like showcase the postpartum journey, but I don't. It's tough to watch. It's very. Oh, the other thing that pissed me off about Danny, I thought we were done complaining about him. I mean, we're not. But before they, they're getting ready to go to this amusement park. And before they go, Dani tells Nia that her hair is frizzy. And it's like, sir, you look like an old shoe in some ripped up jeans. What are you talking about? Nia, the beauty queen wife that you're with who just gave birth and somehow looks as stunning as ever. And you're saying something about her hair being frizzy. Like, how about you get the fuck out of. She's a stunning goddess and you look like an old shoe. So figure that out, you know, Figure that out. They go to the San Diego theme park though, and I looked this up because I thought it was where they filmed the Step by Step opening. Do you know Step by Step, the TV show from the 90s with Suzanne Somers and Patrick Duffy, who I did have a crush on as a child. Patrick Duffy? Woo. That was maybe a daddy complex I had early on because Patrick Duffy to me in Step by Step, that was like a sexual awakening. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is I thought that's where they filmed the opening for Step by Step. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like your dreams got broken. Seemed like hours lost. Will be the future could you pay the cost? You won't Will there ever be Second time around? You know, it kind of had that like gravelly. Whoever was singing that theme song had their gravelly theme song. And it. I loved in the 90s how they had like they would do a male and female voices together. So then he would be like, the dream got broken. Seemed like, oh, it's lost. And then the female voice would come in and be like, the Second time around. And it was a beautiful thing. It was beautiful. But that's not where they filmed it. Because I did Google it. At least Google told me that's not where they filmed, but it looked like it. Then they ride a roller coaster a hundred times, which I thought something happened on the roller coaster in the season preview. It seemed like someone didn't seem like Zach got hit with a bird or something on the roller coaster. And then meanwhile, it's like they just showed them riding the roller coaster a hundred times. And I'm like, I don't need to watch these people ride a roller coaster a hundred times. Didn't it feel like that they edited a lot of roller coaster scenes and like, God bless riding a roller coaster. But, like, I don't even want to see myself riding the roller coaster. You know when you ride a roller coaster at the amusement park and they take a picture of you as you're going down the big hill, and then afterwards you can go look at all the screens to see what your face looked like, and then you can buy the thing for 20 bucks. The picture. Even when I ride a roller coaster myself, like, I just go past that. Like, I'm not interested in even seeing my face or anything. Like, just keep it moving. Just keep it moving.
- [37:42]
A
So let's keep it moving.
- [37:44]
B
But for some reason on this show, they think we want to watch 45 minutes of footage of Jesse Lally saying no roller coaster, and then the rest of them going on the roller coaster. And it's like, who decided that? Let's edit that out. Because no one's interested in seeing 100 hours of footage of them riding a roller coaster. Nobody fucking cares. And it just felt like one time would have been enough. And then I think at some point they were like, let's ride it again. It's like, okay. Like, I know you could edit that out. Like, we don't need to know that they ride it a hundred times. Anyway, let's take a break here. One more break. And then we're going to come back and got a lot of thoughts about Danny being a nightmare. You thought I was done? Buckle up, buttercup. Be right back. Find me on social media at Danny Pellegrino. And then also you can get my books wherever books are sold. We'll be right back. And we're back. Okay, so they're at the amusement park. Nia and Daniel arrive later. Danny's being a nightmare. He said he feels like Nia's being a performative. I played the clip at the beginning of the episode. And I do think she is being performative. I think Nia and we've not, we've talked about this on the pod every season of the Valley. She's from the pageant world. I think she's trying to present everything as like perfect and even like the imperfections she's curating. So she's trying to be like, well, Daniel and I have these troubles, whatever. But she's, she's like presenting just enough to feel like it's real. But I think there's so much like darkness underneath it all. And we see little glimpses of it, like when they're behind the door and they show some and we hear the audio or like we see these little moments. And you could tell Nia's trying to keep it together not only for herself, but I think also for the TV show they're on. But then he's seeing it as like being performative. So I don't think Danny's wrong. Like when he says that Nia's being performative. She definitely is. Like anyone who looks at this behavior that Nia's presenting on the show, you could tell she's trying to perform the role of like having it together in letting out just enough to show like little cracks. But that it's because they're on a reality show. But then like she doesn't want like the bigger cracks to show. And that's probably her pageant upbringing. I get that. But she's being extra. And he's like, you're being performative. But then it's like he's also being an asshole, which is just his natural way. And so we're seeing like that natural way come out on the screen. But it seems like she hates him, right? Does she hate him? She keeps saying, do you remember me before children? She's like this, I'm just being og me. And I'm like, nia, girl, you need to just. I don't want to say to run out of the relationship, but maybe, maybe I am implying it. Okay. Lala tells Daniel, oh, this was also really dark sided to me. This was another moment where it was like I heard it and I was like, I gotta stop watching this show. Because Lala overhears Danny and Nia talking about like getting to bed. Because Danny's like, oh, let's, let's have sex tonight. Or says something like that. And Nia's like, no, the baby's gonna be with us in the bed. And Lala's like, the baby don't care. The baby don't don't know what's going on. And I was just like, actually, Lala, like, Nia's saying she's not interested in sex tonight with Danny and they have a baby in the bed. So stop encouraging Danny to just, like, go along with it. Like, it's so fucked up in so many ways. Also, it's like the baby don't need. The baby's already witnessed enough. The baby's been through enough hell. Having to go to Britney's attic in the amusement park in the 90s night in the Sprinter van and everywhere else that the costume shop with the demons. Like, the baby's been through enough. Doesn't need to see Danny having sex with Nia before even. I don't even think he's had the vasectomy yet. And so they could accidentally have another baby. And so if you ask me that, man, you need to just go over the pants or something if you're hooking up with that man, because you do not need to bring another child in the world with. With him, with the way things are, because it seems like you're all. You're hanging on by a thread, Nia. You are. And so is Danny, and so is the viewer of this program. And so I don't like that Lala was just suggesting that I didn't like it. Then we cut to Tom, Brittany, Michelle, Janet, and Lala talking about Schwartz dating this gal. And he doesn't. He says he doesn't want to be an old dad. And so I guess he's saying, like, they might have kids soon, him and Kiana, because she wants kids before she's 30. And he's like, I don't want to be an old dad. Isn't he 43 now and. Right. Is that how old he is? I don't know. But is he gonna have kids? I worry that he's just gonna have kids with Kiana. Is that her name? That's a beautiful name. Tom does evoke Aaron, Michelle's ex. And that scared me. And I didn't care seeing the flashback of that man because I sort of forgot that he existed. And then I saw those big, buggy spider eyes, and I was like, oh, oh. But then Brittany's. Tom's complaining. He's like, I just don't. I'm worried about love. Like, is love just gonna be two years and then we break up two years and break up? And Brittany's like, don't be scared. You're gonna end up like me. Then she said she added at the end, she's like, well, actually, I'm a bad bitch and I'm taking care of my house and my son all by myself. I'm good. You know what? Britney's right, though. Actually, Brittany's a queen. She's taking care of her son all by herself. She's doing good without Jax. She's taking care of the house. People hate on Brit Bananas. But you know what? I love her. I love her. I do. So be it. I love my Brit Bananas. And I'm proud of her. Keeping it together, getting rid of that dead weight. Jax. I'm glad she didn't bring the boyfriend on this cast trip. Although actually, the caster probably needed that man. What's his name? Brandon. I feel like they needed him. They should have had him instead of one of those. They should have brought him as the nanny. He could have taken care of one of those babies and then we would have gotten maybe some mess. I don't know. I'm not the producer on the show, but I feel like that would have been a smarter decision than bringing some of these other people, because nobody's bringing nothing. Then we have Lala and Michelle. They had this beautiful scene on the beach. Michelle's talking about her mom getting sick and then she opens up about losing her mom. It's very sad. And then they end on footage of Michelle's mom. It was very sad. That said, like, okay, just from a production aspect, I do think they should have re edited this. Like, I think that Michelle stuff with Lala, it would have made more sense in the beginning of the episode. But as it was, I'm not saying anything about Michelle opening up about losing her mom and Lala. I thought that was like a beautiful thing to do on television. And I also think it speaks to this age group that they're in in a way that the other shows can't. Because when you're in your mid to late 30s to your mid-40s or whatever, I know a lot of people. My parents are still healthy and whatever, but I know a lot of people who. This is the time where your parents are starting to get older and sometimes getting sick and all that kind of stuff. And you're dealing with all of that and that's happening at this age group. So I feel like that's one of the benefits of showing people at this age. And it's a real thing that happened. So I think it's really great that they showed it on the show. However, after getting such a depressing episode, I don't know that it was the Right way to end it. Because it all just feels so bleak. It feel like watching the show feels really heavy and dark. And I don't understand how they got rid of Jax. Who. I don't think they need to bring him back. I'm not. No one should say that Jax should come back because we were literally seeing him be abusive on camera in front of his child, like it was not okay to watch. But I don't understand how they got rid of that. And somehow it's become more bleak of a watch. It's like we need something. I don't know, something aspirational or something funny or nice or something. Because it just feels so depressing. Like, I finished the episode. I'm like, God, what did I just watch? Like, everything. It was like this postpartum journey, then losing parents. I didn't feel like there was any fun in this episode. Like, the only kind of fun spot was Janet riling up those other ones. And that was kind of fun. Everything else was so heavy, and it just felt bleak to watch. It felt like, you know, when you watched A marriage story or Blue Valentine or Requiem for a Dream. Did you ever watch any of these horrific movies? Like, I walked out of those movies in a depressive state. And that's kind of how I felt after watching the Valley. I'm like, this is sad and depressing. Like, we need some sort of fun or something. And they were on roller coasters, but it wasn't fun. Like, it felt like this cast is just all there together. But, like, who are they to each other? Are they actually friends? Where's the something? Something light And I don't know. I don't know. Next time the show Schwartz has a sex dream about Lala. Kristen freaks out at Luke. Janet versus Jesse. Lala versus Danny. I hope Lala lets Danny have it. She does. Give him that. Give him that old pop, pop, pop, Lala.
- [46:39]
A
So let's keep it moving.
- [46:41]
B
Make it go pop, pop, pop till the panties go drop, drop, drop, Whatever you got to do. Lala, because we need something going on in the show, and she is a reality TV veteran. So I'm hoping that Lala steps it up and, like, gives us what the show needs. Anyway, that's the end of the episode. Thank you all so much for listening, and we'll be back next week. And I'm sorry that I missed one week of the Valley. I'm sorry that I did. You know, a lot of people I get. I explain what happens on the Summer House episodes. I recap. I think this Gets confusing to people. Because if I miss a week, usually, like, on the other recap I do, I'll address why I missed it. I'll also talk about sort of the major things that I missed on the Valley or the episode that I missed. And so then I would get a lot of messages being like, why have you stopped covering the Valley? And I'm like, well, I didn't really stop covering, and I just sort of added it to the summer house ones because I didn't do a full recap and I only missed one week. But I technically didn't even miss it because I mentioned it on the summer house recap. Do you know what I'm saying? And so I think people get confused. And then I'm like, well, no, I didn't give it up. I just sort of. I mentioned on the summer house ones, and it was only one week. It wasn't like I missed the whole season. But, you know, there's. I got jackhammering in my backyard, like, I'm losing my brain. I might miss some things sometimes. I'm trying my best. I'm holding on by a thread just like the rest of them on this show. So we're doing our best. So I apologize if I miss Now I'm just rambling. I want to thank you all, and I'm so grateful to the people out in the backyard, in the neighborhood who were doing the jackhammering to take this break and allow me to record this episode because I was certain we made it 51 minutes, and I was certain that they would start working again and I would have to cut this short. But we made a whole episode and they're still not even doing it now. So I want to. Maybe they're done. Pray for me. Pray for D. Pray for D, Pray for D. If they're done, it'll be a great thing. Love you all so much for listening. Did I need to mention anything else, Patreon? If you want bonus episodes, I'm doing Sex and the City recaps over there. I do one a month. So around, you know, later this month, we'll do the one for May. But more importantly, the money helps to support this show. So if you donate $4 or more per month, you get access to those Sex and the City bonus episodes. And it's patreon.com everythingiconic I love you all so much for listening and, oh, I want to leave you all. Remember I was talking about the nun podcast that I see on my TikTok all the time? It's like These nuns and they say, sister, yes. And it's, like, so funny and lovely, and it shows up on my TikTok feed. And now I'm getting other nun content. You know what I'm saying? Like, the sisters are just showing up on my TikTok now, which I love. I'm like, sister, yes. But there's this one who gives also advice on the TikTok, and she gave some advice, and I pulled a clip from it, and I think I reposted her on my TikTok so you can see. But I pulled a clip of her being inspirational. I thought, I'm gonna play that at the end of the podcast because I think some people miss when I would do the cheesy little cool downs or the inspirational quotes at the end of the episode, which were cheesy. But, like, I think we all sort of secretly enjoyed them, right? And so I pulled one from this sister from TikTok. And I'll leave you with this because I think it's important to remember. And here's the Sister.
- [49:57]
A
Good morning, sunshine. Sister Mary Jo with today's pitch. Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, oh, crap, they're up.
- [50:08]
B
Oh, crap. Something about her accent, too. It's Midwest. Is that Midwest? Oh, crap. I feel like crap. Crap's the swear word of Ohio. That is like, the national swear word of the Midwest. Oh, crap. Anyway, I love you all so much for listening. Have a great week.
- [50:46]
A
There's no turning back no, no it's only up to you There ain't nobody that I'm feeling more than you, boy so let's keep it moving make it go pop, pop, pop until my panties go drop, drop, drop.