Everything’s Perfect… Except I Was Living a Lie | Donald’s Powerful Coming Out Story

Podcast: Everything's Perfect
Hosts: Autumn Calabrese, Donald Stamper
Episode Date: August 19, 2025

Episode Overview

In this vulnerable and impactful episode, co-host Donald Stamper shares his emotional coming out journey, discussing the long and winding road toward self-acceptance as a gay man growing up in a deeply religious, conservative environment. The conversation with Autumn Calabrese unpacks the complexities of identity, family expectations, religion, and shame, as well as the freedom and joy that came with living authentically. The episode is filled with raw honesty, laughter, and heartfelt moments, aiming to foster understanding for anyone struggling with their identity or supporting someone on a similar path.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Signs and Childhood Experiences (03:01–05:12)

• Donald reflects on not knowing he was gay as a child due to a lack of language and the stigma surrounding homosexuality in his religious upbringing.
• He enjoyed activities considered more "feminine" (Barbies, dress-up) but didn’t connect these to being gay.
• Recalls his parents warning him about a local gay couple—"be careful when you walk by that house. They're gay." (04:17)
• Quote: “It’s important to note that I grew up very, very religious, so I didn’t have space in my mind to even think it was a possibility to be gay.” – Donald (03:43)

2. Adolescence and Religious Context (05:12–10:00)

• Donald became aware of his same-sex attraction around 19 while working at a restaurant in Ohio; first exposure to gay spaces (“Celebrities” gay bar).
• Initial reactions were confusion and denial, rationalizing his growing attraction as “curiosity.”
• He doubled down on presenting as straight, even while immersing in gay spaces.
• The struggle to reconcile his desires with deeply ingrained religious beliefs and expectations leads to isolation and denial.
• Quote: “It was really a mind fucking… you love this, but this can’t be who I am.” – Donald (08:56)

3. Navigating Relationships and Identity (10:00–23:06)

• Brief experiences with women; felt more pressure than desire, leading to further confusion.
• First meaningful connection with Todrick—friendship turned romantic; Donald gaslights himself and Todrick, unable to admit his feelings (13:02–15:49).
• Attempts to label himself as having “same sex attraction” rather than “gay,” echoing language from church settings.
• Memorable story: Donald drives 9 hours, lying about attending a funeral, just to see Todrick (16:52–18:11).
• Quote: “I’m really understanding or empathetic when people create these stories because they’re afraid of just being honest with who they are.” – Donald (17:25)

4. Internal Conflict and Coming Out in Stages (23:06–41:09)

• Donald describes a period of seeking “fixes” through gay experiences but keeping his true self hidden from family, friends, and church.
• Notes the loneliness and compounding lies that came with living a double life.
• Eventually, tells a close brother—a powerful emotional moment over sushi (35:31):
  “When you have years of lying and hiding and being a secret and then you start to let that come out, the physical feeling you have, it’s like you can’t speak.” – Donald (35:29)
• Unsafe environment at church—his closeted, gay pastor warns him not to “act gay,” reflecting her own internalized struggle (38:08).

5. Telling His Mother and Family Response (40:05–46:57)

• Major milestone: Telling his mom, after nearly a decade of denial, shame, and fear.
• Donald’s approach is gentle but honest, expressing that not telling her feels like lying:
  “I realized I can’t control these feelings, but I can control being a liar... you’re the last person I’d want to lie to.” (43:29)
• His mom responds with love, though struggles initially with reconciling faith and acceptance.
• His dad finds out through his mom, responds with support:
  “I love you, and if you need to talk, I’m here for you.” (52:37)

6. The Healing Journey & Shame (52:01–57:03)

• Even after coming out, Donald wrestled with shame and the sense of being a disappointment despite his family's apparent acceptance.
• Describes the difficulty of introducing a boyfriend to family, even years after coming out.

7. Parental Reconciliation with Faith and Acceptance (59:12–61:10)

• Donald’s mom paused her religious practice, conflicted by church teachings about homosexuality.
• Watching an affirming church service in Nashville (Stan Mitchell, GracePointe Church) allows her to reconnect with faith:
  “I feel like I can read my Bible again… When you came out to me, I felt I had to choose between everything I thought I knew about God or you. And I’ll choose you every time.” – Donald, quoting his mom (59:42)

8. Reflection and Joy in Authenticity (61:42–63:51)

• Donald credits the support received from the Body/Beachbody community with helping him feel accepted.
• Today, he expresses pride in his identity:
  “If I could have a whole different life and be straight, I wouldn’t want to. I love who I am.” (62:16)

9. Resources and Support (64:00–64:46)

• The hosts promise to include resources for listeners grappling with similar journeys, especially parents.
• Donald’s mom offers support to other mothers facing the same crossroads.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Donald, on coming out late:
  “Being able to say I’m gay really didn’t start until my 30s.” (28:18)

• Donald, on the fear of disappointing his family:
  “How am I going to come out to a world of people who have defended me this way?” (32:47)

• Autumn, on the importance of sharing:
  “It’s so important because…for people listening, it’s so important to understand how hard this experience could be for somebody. I never realized it was that long for you.” (46:49)

• Donald, quoting his father’s realization:
  “I fix machines all day for a living, but I can’t fix my gay son…because he’s not broken.” (55:06)

• Donald, on family reconciliation:
  “My whole family…to bring Nell, my boyfriend now, the love of my life, to my parents’ house and play with the kids, and it just be like family—years ago I didn’t think could ever happen.” (61:10)

Key Timestamps by Segment

• [00:20] – Episode topic introduction: Donald’s coming out story
• [03:01] – Childhood signs and religious influences
• [07:06] – First experience at a gay bar, denial, and attention
• [10:00] – Navigating relationships, attraction, and self-deception
• [13:02] – Donald and Todrick, emotional milestones
• [16:52] – Lying, road trip to Todrick, the cost of inauthenticity
• [23:06] – Using labels like “same sex attraction,” the impact of religious language
• [35:31] – Telling his brother, intense emotional release
• [40:05] – Telling his mother, pivotal family conversation
• [52:37] – Fathers, extended family, and mixed reactions
• [59:12] – Mom reconciling faith and love post-coming out
• [61:10] – Current place: Joy in authenticity and family acceptance
• [63:51] – Impact of community on self-acceptance
• [64:00] – Sharing resources for listeners

Support and Resources

• Affirming church leadership highlighted: Stan Mitchell, GracePointe Church (Nashville), for faith-based LGBTQ+ affirmation.
• Listeners (particularly parents) are encouraged to reach out to Donald’s mother, Jeannie Stamper, for support navigating their own journeys.
• Show notes will include resources for LGBTQ+ individuals and their families.

Final Thoughts

This episode is a moving testament to how cultural, religious, and family narratives can shape—and delay—our ability to accept and express our true selves. Donald’s story demonstrates the power of vulnerability, the importance of chosen and biological family support, and the freedom that comes with self-acceptance. The hosts’ open, humorous, and loving dialogue makes this a must-listen for anyone seeking to better understand or support the coming out process.

For additional support or to connect with the hosts, reach out at: everythingsperfectpodcast@gmail.com