Everything's Perfect Except…Why Adult Friendships Fall Apart

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Everything's Perfect

Episode: "Everything's Perfect Except…Why Adult Friendships Fall Apart"

Date: June 30, 2026
Hosts: Autumn Calabrese and "Bretzky" (Donald Stamper)

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into the complexities of adult friendships: why they drift, fall apart, or sometimes even end abruptly. Autumn and Bretzky share personal stories, offer advice to a listener struggling with a friend reach-out, and unpack how personal growth, shifting values, jealousy, boundaries, and (sometimes) politics all play a role. With warmth, humor, and candor, the hosts encourage open communication—even when it’s awkward—and the importance of letting go with grace.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. How Adult Friendships Change With Age

• [01:44 - 02:44] The hosts compare their perspectives on fun and priorities from their 20s to their 40s, noting that feeling rested and healthy now takes priority over late nights out.
  • Quote (Autumn, 01:44): “When you’re in your 40s, there’s nothing like going to bed at a decent hour and getting a good night’s sleep.”
  • Quote (Bretzky, 02:02): “I think I might remember how tired I am the next day more because it hurts so much more than it is fun, you know?”

2. Listener Advice: Rekindling a Friendship with a Problematic Past

• [03:43 - 09:50] A listener writes about a former friend who was once a gossip and a bully and asks if she should respond to this person’s attempt to reconnect.
  • On Change and Growth:
    • Quote (Autumn, 05:07): “People can change...if that was somebody that [you] were really close with...maybe be open to grabbing coffee, grabbing lunch...and see if the vibe’s different.”
  • On Responsibility & Grace:
    • Quote (Autumn, 08:24): “Give her and yourself some grace to be better than you were.”
  • On Politics in Friendship:
    • Quote (Autumn, 09:19): “If someone was like, ‘I’m against gay people,’ I’d be like, we can’t be friends.”
    • Quote (Bretzky, 10:55): “When we start to disagree on things that I see as fundamental human rights...we’re not gonna be friends.”

3. When Political Differences Get Personal

• [10:05 - 15:00] The hosts examine the nuanced ways political opinions impact their friendships and families, distinguishing between normal disagreement and a hard line drawn at human rights.
  • Quote (Autumn, 11:44): “I need to know where you stand morally, like where you stand on fundamental human rights.”
  • Quote (Autumn, 13:57): “What a concept that as human beings, I can’t believe we still think there’s this hierarchy of, like, ‘I’m better than you.’”
  • Memorable Moment [15:38]: A spider appears in the podcast studio, causing a comedic break—“Hey daddy!” (Autumn jokes about a daddy longlegs)

4. How to Respond to Unhealthy Behavior in Friendship

• [17:37 - 19:14] Bretzky suggests subtle ways to redirect friends who are habitually negative, without sounding preachy.
  • Quote (Bretzky, 17:37): “If anyone has a friend that...their go to might be tearing people down...bring an alternative...you start to communicate to your friend, without correcting them, that you’re not on that total same vibe.”
  • Autumn and Bretzky agree:
    • Ghosting is unfair to true friends (19:52).
    • Communication is key, even when uncomfortable.

5. Real Talk: The Pain of Ghosting and “Friendship Breakups”

• [21:27 - 26:43] Bretzky shares his current experience with a friend who’s ignoring him after a minor disagreement, emphasizing how lack of closure or conversation is more painful than the loss itself.
  • Quote (Autumn, 19:52): “If you were really friends...and you just decide one day to not have the uncomfortable conversation...you’re just a wuss. Have the [expletive] confrontation.”
  • Quote (Bretzky, 22:42): “If there’s unrest in people I’m close with...the best thing you can do is talk about it.”
  • On unequal narratives: Both share how people sometimes cling to their own narrative and avoid hearing the other’s perspective (24:22).
  • Perspective: Both can experience the same situation differently and are entitled to their feelings (25:08).

6. Personal Story: Autumn’s Friendship Fallout

• [33:26 - 43:50] Autumn recounts a painful friendship split involving jealousy, betrayal, and toxic behavior after her career took off.
  • Her “best friend” began to belittle her, talk behind her back, and even cyberstalked her with fake accounts.
  • Quote (Autumn, 36:19): “He handed me the phone with text messages that she had sent to him, just saying the meanest things...just awful things about me.”
  • Key Insight: When someone starts showing their true colors, it’s sometimes best to step back for your own mental health.

7. Jealousy & Toxicity

• [43:24 - 44:25] Bretzky on recognizing envy in friendships and finding ways to deal with it positively.
  • Quote (Bretzky, 44:03): “Jealousy is just—it’s toxic.”
  • Quote (Autumn, 44:56): “If you can’t celebrate your friends, that’s on you.”

8. Boundaries and Letting Go

• [45:09 - 49:48]
  • Bretzky: Sometimes it’s not one big thing, but an accumulation of breaches of trust or shifting values that require you to “quietly adjust” your expectations of a friend.
  • Adult friendships require discerning who belongs in your inner circle, letting go when needed, but doing it with compassion whenever possible.

9. The Power (and Pitfall) of Hard Conversations

• [49:48 - 55:58]
  • Both agree: If a friendship matters, have the hard conversation in person or on the phone—not by text or voice memo.
  • Quote (Autumn, 53:32): “If it’s longer than a minute, that’s a phone call.”
  • Don’t delay resolution indefinitely; set a time if you need space, but don’t leave someone dangling (56:00).

10. Takeaways & Closing Thoughts

• [57:32 - 58:40]
  • Adult friendships are hard, but deep communication—even when it hurts—matters most.
  • Don’t cut people off without clarity. If it’s really over, say it.
  • Both encourage embracing the discomfort and compassionately releasing what no longer fits.

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “Give her and yourself some grace to be better than you were.” (Autumn, 08:24)
• “When we start to disagree on things that I see as fundamental human rights...we’re not gonna be friends.” (Bretzky, 10:55)
• “If you were really friends...and you just decide one day to not have the uncomfortable conversation...you’re just a wuss. Have the [expletive] confrontation.” (Autumn, 19:52)
• “The best thing you can do is talk about it.” (Bretzky, 22:42)
• “Jealousy is just—it’s toxic.” (Bretzky, 44:03)
• “If you can’t celebrate your friends...that’s on you.” (Autumn, 44:56)
• “If it’s longer than a minute, that’s a phone call.” (Autumn, 53:32)
• “If you aren’t going to talk to the person that’s doing it to you right now, don’t say, ‘I’ll let you know when I’m ready.’ Just say ‘I’m done.’” (Autumn, 56:16)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:44 – 02:44 — How adulthood changes what we value in friendships
• 03:43 – 09:50 — Advice segment: Responding to a problematic friend from the past
• 10:05 – 15:00 — Navigating politics in friendship; setting moral boundaries
• 17:37 – 19:14 — Redirecting negative habits in friends
• 19:52 – 26:43 — Ghosting vs. real closure; pain of unresolved friend conflict
• 33:26 – 43:50 — Autumn’s story: A best friend breakup and its fallout
• 45:09 – 49:48 — Quietly adjusting boundaries as adults
• 49:48 – 55:58 — Conversation hygiene: in-person > text; don’t delay closure
• 57:32 – 58:40 — Final advice: honest closure and self-compassion

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Memorable Moments & Humor

• [15:38] — “Hey daddy!”—Autumn, joking about the spider “daddy long legs” in the studio.
• Candid admissions about eating carbs when tired, battling cold in the podcast room, and the relatable struggle of adult social life.

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Episode Tone

Warm, inclusive, often deeply personal, with an undercurrent of humor and a strong “real talk” vibe. Both hosts model vulnerability and candid accountability, sharing both their mistakes and growth.

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For those who haven’t listened:
This episode is an open-hearted, honest exploration of why friendships end—and how they might be saved. If you’ve ever lost a friend or struggled with setting boundaries, Autumn and Bretzky’s stories and advice will feel like a chat with your wisest, funniest friends.

Transcript

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[Autumn]

Okay.

[Bretzky]

Damn, it's cold.

[Autumn]

I could turn the heater on, but, you know, five minutes in will be melting.

[Bretzky]

No, it's fine. I love it when my fingers are almost numb.

[Autumn]

Keeps us awake. Is my microphone anywhere near my face?

[Bretzky]

It's just perfectly resting in the center of your bosom.

[Autumn]

I feel like I'm like cupping poles right now. I'm just trying to hold this microphone.

[Bretzky]

I can help. I'm gonna literally look like I'm gonna Photoshop.

[Lady Luck]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

You.

[Autumn]

Okay?

[Bretzky]

How you feeling?

[Autumn]

I feel good.

[Bretzky]

Me too.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

God, when you're in your 40s, there's nothing like going to bed at a decent hour and getting a good night's sleep.

[Autumn]

The little things that make us so happy now, it's not like, oh, my God, that was such a fun night. We can't believe how late we stayed out. And like, you're so tired and you love it now. It's like, I'm so rested and I love it.

[Geico Tagline Voice]

Exactly.

[Bretzky]

And the, the. It's sort of like the measure of fun, because I used to. I used to. My line was, you're not going to remember five years from now how tired you are the next day. You're going to remember how much fun you had that night. But I'm getting to a point where that shift is happening, where, actually, I think I might remember how tired I am the next day more because it hurts so much more. Than it is fun, you know?

[Autumn]

Yeah. And it's not even so much about remembering it. It's about. It literally messes the whole next day up.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Like, and while you might not think back and be God, remember that day? I was so tired. You're gonna be like, hey, I gained 15 pounds because I was so tired. I haven't worked out in a month because I kept staying up too late.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. And also, when you're exhausted, all you want to eat are the carbs, the energy.

[Autumn]

I mean, I already want to eat all the carbs. We can't make it worse.

[Bretzky]

Exactly.

[Autumn]

Not the healthy carbs either. I'm not over here like, oh, let me eat a sweet potato, even though I love a potato. But yeah, when the energy isn't there, I'm like, you got a cookie over there?

[Bretzky]

I got onion rings yesterday.

[Autumn]

You sure did.

[Bretzky]

And I was like, this feels like they. You know, it should. The amount of onion to the amount of breading and grease in an onion ring.

[Autumn]

Not the same.

[Bretzky]

They're trying to.

[Autumn]

They're trying to take you out.

[Bretzky]

They sure are. Okay, let's do some phone a friends.

[Bluff]

Let's.

[Bretzky]

We did it last time. Okay. We love getting phone and friends from you guys. And we used to. In the very beginning of our podcast, this just popped in my head. We used to do them at the end.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

But it's like.

[Autumn]

But sometimes it's hard because then you're like, trying to rush it. Yes. And sometimes we got some things to say about these phone of friends.

[Bretzky]

Exactly.

[Autumn]

So let's say some things.

[Bretzky]

All right, so let's start. Someone has is looking for some advice around a friendship situation. So I'll just read it. It says, hi there. Hoping you can offer some friend advice. Back in my partying seat. Back in my partying single 20s, I was friends with a girl who is also a co worker and was therefore around all the time. We since have gone our separate ways, losing touch for the most part. Recently, she has reached out to me again, but I find myself hesitant to re engage with her as I am now realizing that her main topic of our communication was complaining about other people. She also blatantly bullied one of our co workers, making fun of him. I'm sorry, Making fun of him to me behind his back and with sarcasm to his face. While it may have something to do with it as well, I do not agree with her politically. I realize that these types of interactions may just be reflective of how little self confidence she has. However, I still remain weary. Do I Ghost her and not respond? Or should I face the music and tell her why I don't wish to be friends with her anymore?

[Autumn]

Fair question.

[Bretzky]

I think so too.

[Autumn]

You know, here's the thing. 20s in your partying days who didn't talk shit.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Like, you know, like that's what I think. Such a different like I don't know how many years have passed since then. Right. Are we talking two years? Are we talking 10?

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Because people can change. And so if that was somebody that she was really close with and interested in possibly having a friendship with, I would say maybe be open to like grabbing a coffee, grabbing lunch, just not directly being like, have you changed? You were a shitty person. But like how are you? What are you up to, what's good? And then if they go into complain mode about everything, you could just finish the lunch or finish the coffee. Great to see you go about your day like and then be done.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

So I would say you, you know, if it's somebody you're. You did you were close with them, maybe give them a chance because people do grow and change.

[Bretzky]

I, I feel the same way. I actually it's interesting because I in my 20s especially and I think it probably was based around insecurity and when you're quick witted it like at that time there's really nothing more fun than just making fun of people. And you think a lot of times like you're not even hurting that person because they can't hear what you're saying. And but the birds, the birds are so loud. Like are they in conversation to focus on what I'm saying? Because these birds are like tweet, tweet. Anyways, I reached a point. I actually remember I was sitting at a hockey game in Nashville and I saw this person like a ways away. There's no way they could hear what I said. And I said something about them and I'm sure it was based on their appearance because I didn't know them of course. And I like immediately felt such conviction about or, or guilt about talking bad about that person. And I imagined what if they heard what I said even though they couldn't. I was like, I'm saying some really ugly things about someone. I don't know, I don't know their story, I don't know what they're facing. And all of a sudden that just started changing.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

Like the way I talked about people and I'd catch myself and it was a, it was a process for me to. Because that for, for years it was just like A no harm done.

[Bluff]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

No false snarky, they can't hear me. I would never say it to their face.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

Kind of thing.

[Bretzky]

And for me, I started feeling guilty when, like, those things would just automatically come out of my mouth and I less and less would start doing that.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

And now it's way less common for me to talk badly about someone in any real way. Like, I might tease people that I love, but that's how, you know, I really like you if I'm teasing you a little bit. Exactly. So I feel like one thing is give. If you're interested, maybe give that person a chance to have changed.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

Like, to have matured. And maybe they don't talk about people the same way. Also. What do. You can't hold that person at fault for talking bad about people. If you also went along with or

[Autumn]

listened or didn't stop them, then because you were essentially doing the same thing. Even if you weren't saying it, you weren't stopping them and being like, I really don't like that. It makes me uncomfortable.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

So find whatever again, 20s, you're learning, as you like to say, your frontal lobe isn't even developed. So, like, give. Give her and yourself some grace to be better than you were. Now, there is a different component to that email. That's the political views. That is for different people. That's a really hard one because depending on just how passionately you feel about those views or just how passionately they feel about their views, that can get a little trickier. Like, because some people just want to talk about it no matter what. Even if you're like, look, let's agree to disagree. Let's just not have this be a topic of conversation. Depending that could. That can be a hard one. Like, there are certain things that if somebody was like, oh, I believe this so hard. Like, if, like what we were talking about last week, where it was like, if somebody was like, I, I'm against gay people, I'd be like, we can't be friends.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

Like, you do you. But like, yeah, I'm not okay with that. So, like, we're not gonna. I'm not gonna ignore it.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Like, in my family, there are kind of half that support one side and half that support the other. It's very hard because the half that support one side, I'm like, what is wrong with you?

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Like, why do you think this? But it's also my family, so, like, it's just a no go topic.

[Bretzky]

I think that's the best way.

[Autumn]

But that's family when it comes to friends. That again, it depends. I'm not saying cut somebody out. I'm just saying that's a little bit different choice because family is family, like, they're there no matter what. And some people do cut family out because of it.

[Bretzky]

Well, the thing is, like, I will not. Okay, I am not affected by someone who's a white supremacist. For example, me, because I'm a white person. But I'm not going to be friends.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

But that's not like something we agree to disagree. So I think that to your point, that line is. Is when it comes to politics right now, we live in such a time where it can mean so many different things. And I. I have space in my life for people who wrestle with politics or have some opinions that we just disagree on the way society works. We disagree on how money should be distributed in ways we disagree. But when we start to disagree on, like, things that I see as fundamental human rights.

[Autumn]

Yes.

[Bretzky]

We're not gonna be friends.

[Autumn]

Y.

[Bretzky]

Well, it kind of depends. And also, I wonder if, like, that person also. Because I'm not going to be friends, like, with someone who always says, oh, they're just part of the left, because the truth is I lean more left politically. That doesn't mean that. That I couldn't be friends with someone who's leans right. But if they're always talking shit about people and one of their insults is saying, oh, they're just a leftist, then how do we have a friendship? Because.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

So am I. Yeah. You know, and so either hold space for people to see things differently than you, then you can be friends and, like, have that bridge for friendship across political lines. I think there needs more than ever. I think there needs to be space for.

[Autumn]

Well, I was going to say two things. One, it's almost so hard. And by the way, this is not going to be a whole politics episode. So just know that. But we just sort of ended up here because of what that said. Left and right doesn't even exist anymore because there's such a spectrum on the left and there's such a spectrum on the right that it's like, I need to know where you stand morally. Like, I need to know where you stand fundamental human rights, that kind of thing. Like, I guess because you can't say I'm left or I'm right, because there are certain things that are happening on both sides that are extreme, that I'm like, exactly. But I'm gonna challenge one thing you said, and I think when I challenge it. You'll understand why I'm saying it. Like, I'm not, like, putting you down.

[Bretzky]

Bring it.

[Autumn]

When you were like, o.

[Lady Luck]

White.

[Autumn]

No, you're, like, white. If somebody's a white supremacist, it doesn't affect me. And I think sometimes that's a mindset that we have of like, well, that, okay, you're white supremacist and I'm white, so it doesn't affect me. But really, nowadays, being shitty to any race, to anybody, it affects all of us because we're watching the world just fucking crumble into hate and fighting and no space for love and differences and all of that. And so I think if we dug into that, you would actually be like, well, yeah, saying.

[Bretzky]

That's actually what I'm saying. Like, it is a.

[Autumn]

When they're not a. Directly, people talk about you, but still,

[Bretzky]

when people talk about privilege.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

Like, it doesn't affect me. Women's rights don't affect me personally.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

But that's a privilege I have. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't stand for women's rights because of all the women that I love and stand for. And that's my point. Like, I could, if I was alive at a different time where a person of color and white person couldn't drink from the same fountain. Like, the lack of inclusion for black people that time didn't mean I couldn't do things, but I. That's a privilege that I need to fight against.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

And people with that privilege need to stand in it. So that's really. That's what I mean. Sort of like how I think you would feel about gay people. Gay rights doesn't. Don't affect you.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

You care very much. Because you should.

[Autumn]

And it's a human right. Because I'm like, you deserve all the same rights that I, as a straight person have. Yeah, because you're a person.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

What a thought.

[Bretzky]

What a concept that.

[Autumn]

That as human beings, I can't believe we still think there's this hierarchy of, like, I'm better than you because I'm male or I'm female or I'm straight or I'm gay or I'm white or I'm a different. Like, what the.

[Bretzky]

Like, yeah, it's. It's so, like, for how advanced we are as a society, it is so, like, we're Neanderthals. Yeah. It's wild to me. It was like, you're different than me. I'll kill you. You know what I mean? Literally, if you think human Beings are just love how our conversations go.

[Autumn]

We are the who knew A phone.

[Bretzky]

Most inventive creatures on the planet. And we're still killing each other. There's more than enough resources for us all to live peacefully and we can't.

[Autumn]

And I really don't understand. I know we talked about this last week, but we're here. We are really quick. And then we'll do another phone. A friend, I promise. But like why do we care what somebody like find your beliefs are your beliefs. Your religious beliefs are your religious beliefs. And as long as I listen, as long as you're not doing some crazy satanic worshiping, hurting people, it's none of my business. And just like mine is none of your business. So you go do you and pray to whoever you want to pray.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And I'll go do me and pray to whoever I want to pray to.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And I don't know, maybe we'll see on the other side how this all plays out. Like we could both be wrong.

[Bretzky]

Exactly.

[Autumn]

Who knows? And. And we get so. And God, there's a huge daddy long leg back there.

[Bretzky]

Hey daddy.

[Autumn]

Hey daddy. I guess again, like some of those religions though we'll get into suppressing women's rights and stuff like that. So I guess that's where like people feel like it's their place to step in and start saying something.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Or doing something. But I'm like, you know, again, we got a million different things we gotta fight in our own backyard anyways. I know we ended up off on a tangent here, but at the end of the day I'm just like, we're all humans. Can we not just. Yeah, you're not better than me because you have a penis. I'm not better than you because I have a vagina. Like all the things color of her skin.

[Bretzky]

I know.

[Autumn]

Like, like why can't we. Yeah. We all have the same.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. I think, I don't know, I think like people are afraid of what's different than them. And then it. People don't know what to do with fear. So then fighting against it is what comes in. But I just think if we can all just hold space for people who are different than us.

[Autumn]

Hey everybody. Lady luck here.

[Lady Luck]

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[Bretzky]

I do have a practical piece of advice about that. Phone a friend before we move to another one, I think because it is awkward, especially if you're feeling a shift in yourself and you don't like the way a friend is talking about someone. But it feels a little bit like holier than thou to be like no, I don't want to, I really don't want to talk like joke like that anymore. So I think that the way that if you have a, if anyone has a friend that you just feel like their go to might be tearing people down, even if it's not that deep, but it bothers you, maybe bring an alternative. Like if they say something tearing someone down that's, that could be your opportunity to say oh, I actually like it or but you know, as long as they're feeling themselves, that's all that matters or something like that and you start to communicate to your friend without quote correcting them that you're not on the total same vibe of just like for fun, talking badly about people. Because I actually that's what jumped out to me the most is like God, you can. You either just ditch a person and you'd never even get to tell them. Well, it's because of how you talk about people or you tell them and then they feel like, well you've been doing, you've been sharing. It's like find another way to just steer the conversation.

[Autumn]

And then maybe if it doesn't, you could be like, look, you kind of always say something blah, blah, blah like just makes me uncomfortable. I try not to do that. Like I do think, well here's the thing again, we don't know how much time has passed. I know it's freezing, we,

[Bretzky]

I'm crossing every limb of my body.

[Autumn]

We don't know how much time has passed between it. So if it's been years. I mean, again, ghosting kind of sucks, but at the same time, if it's been years and you have no relationship and whatever, then it's like, not as big of a deal. But I do think ghosting somebody that you've actually had, like, in a recent friendship with and like just one day not. I mean, I had it happen to me more than once. Just like one day, they just don't answer the phone anymore and you're like, wait, what?

[Geico Tagline Voice]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Just happened. We're not talking about this. You're not gonna tell me what your problem is? Yeah, like, that's kind of messed up because it's really. It's just really unfair. Like, if you were really friends. And by the way, it's says more about you than the other person. If you just decide one day to not have the uncomfortable conversation, you're just a wuss. Have the fucking. Have the confrontation. Say what's bothering you. Say what's on your mind. What is it going to be? 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour of your life? At least the other person gets closure. You explain to yourself. A lot of times I feel like people do it because they know they're wrong and they don't want to be called out on it.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

They know their reason isn't good enough or whatever. Or they're being unfair. And it's just like, yeah, you just didn't wanna. You wanted to keep your narrative. And so instead of having the real conversation.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

And maybe giving me a chance to be like, you know what? You're right. I need to be better about blah, blah, blah. But also, the way you're interpreting that is not accurate. So let's correct that. They just want to hold their narrative so that they can be. I'm right.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. I'm actually going through something right now with a friend. And thank you. She turned on the heat, guys.

[Autumn]

I mean, my left hand is not.

[Bretzky]

You know, when you're on the verge of shivering? Like, you're not shivering on the outside, but all of your insides are shaking. You're just like, I don't know how to be comfortable right now. That's where I'm at.

[Autumn]

Listen, Arizona boy.

[Bretzky]

So I have been like. My friends are like, I don't know why those freaky noises happen back there.

[Autumn]

That's why.

[Bretzky]

Oh, that's good. I always am worried it's our microphone thing making noise. I'm like, if it explodes, cool. But I have always been like, I hold friendships. I have friends. I'm. I'll be 41 this month. And I have friendships that I've been friends with for 25 years that I'm still friends. A lot of people don't have friends from their teens when they're in their

[Autumn]

40s,

[Bretzky]

but I'm learning a lot about, like, releasing and letting that happen. I have a friend who. We just went through something, and she did that. She sort of, like, cut me off. I wanted to have a conversation about it. Told me she needed space. I waited two weeks, and this situation is not a big deal.

[Bluff]

No.

[Autumn]

This has been blown so out of proportion, it's ridiculous.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. And I reached out, and I was like, do you have an intention? And by the way, our friendship, which we've been friends for almost a decade, we know each other, and she knows that I need to communicate. It's important.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

Because if there's unrest in people I'm close with, if one of us have hurt the other, something like that, I think the best thing you can do is talk about it.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

I do also know that there are people who sometimes, if they talk in certain moments, they might say things they don't mean, or they might not have their thoughts gathered. And so I've tried to get better at. If someone says, I need a minute, giving them a minute and not freaking out. So I gave her. I waited two weeks and didn't hear anything and reached out, and I was like, do you intend to actually reach out? Like, I've given you space. And she just said, I'll reach out when I'm ready. And I was like, well, that doesn't work for me.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

Because this isn't. Like. You can't just leave your friends dangling on a. I'll let you know where we stand. Yeah.

[Autumn]

I decide to be your friend again. This was over another thing. Situation.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. So I just. I know that.

[Autumn]

But even if it was over something big, it's. If you're a friend, then you got to show up and have the conversation and give the person a chance to apologize to. Course correct. And then if you still need space, you could be like, I appreciate that we had this conversation. I'm still really hurt, and I just. I'm gonna need some time to get past blah, blah, blah.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

So I love you, but, like, just. It's gonna be a bit.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

That's one thing. But to just be like, no conversation, no communication, and then I'll let you know.

[Lady Luck]

It's.

[Autumn]

It feels more like a power move than it is a, like, friendship. Like, I need. I just need a minute. To process my thoughts and my feelings.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. And I also think you're so right about, like, people who just pull back and refuse to talk. It does feel to me like that's because they have to fully protect their narrative about what happened. And the truth is, if two people experience something, they both have a version of that story, of course. And both should be able to be heard, whether they're both valid or not. That you find that you find your middle ground in a conversation, or you come to the terms that you just can't have a relationship anymore. But when you can't even have that conversation, it really feels like, okay, you just want to be able to stand in your truth without at all hearing at all.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

My perspective also.

[Autumn]

Both are allowed to experience the exact same event and have completely different experiences.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Because you're not the same person. So two people can be going through the exact same thing, and one person's, like, on one side of the coin and the other person on the other side of the coin. So, like, it affects this person this way, and you're allowed to have all those feelings, and it affects this person completely different. Still very challenging. And they're allowed to have all their feelings, and there should be space to go, hey, this is messed up for me. And I feel this way. And I know you're on the other side of it and me, you know, like, and it's messed up for you, but. So, like, maybe we just take a little space. But, like, I love you. Wish you the best. Okay. I love you. I wish you the best. And. Cool. Let's take a little space breather from this. And when we. When we come back to our friendship, maybe this is not a topic of conversation for us.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

Sort of thinking about what happened with me, because it was. It was just like, yeah, you're experiencing this, but I'm experiencing it too. And it's hard for me too.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Just in a very different way.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

But I. There was no other way for me to experience my. I mean, like. I mean, I'm talking about body and how all the things went down and how my friendships and they experienced that going away one way, and I was experiencing it a different way. So I'm gonna have all of my emotions and feelings and panic and sad and all of that, but through my lens.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And they were gonna have it through theirs. There was no space for me to feel my feelings. I was only supposed to recognize theirs. And that was hard because I was like, I'm going through this too. Like, this is A shock to me. Like, this is hard for me. There was no space and all of a sudden I became the bad guy. And I was like, yeah, but I don't have anybody to turn to to express my feelings about how hard this is or how scary this is or how sad I am to see this happening to people I love. But also knowing like it wasn't a malicious thing. It just, you know. So yeah, I just think, yeah, like you said, like people need to hold their narrative of this was only me and it, it happened exactly my way. Yeah, just like what's happening with you and your friend? It's like, mm, she's holding that narrative. That's a hard one. Because nothing happened. That's the craziest thing. Like literally nothing happened.

[Bretzky]

Yeah, I mean it was like. I don't know if it's even interesting enough to tell the whole story, but basically I, because I moved, I needed to change plans that we had. I wanted to just include a couple more people and they were loose plans.

[Autumn]

They weren't even a plan.

[Bretzky]

And, and it was a. Yeah. And she was just basically said no. And I was like, well then it's not going to work this time. This and, and

[Bluff]

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[Geico Announcer]

We all do it. You have a night for yourself but don't like the sound of the silence so you turn on the TV just for the ambiance. It's a little trick that helps you feel like you've got company and aren't alone. And other insurers, well, they may make you feel alone. But when you switch to Geico, you've got claims reps available around the clock. So whenever you need, you'll have people around to help. And let's turn on the washing machine just for good measure. Isn't that soothing?

[Geico Tagline Voice]

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[Bretzky]

That's the last time we spoke. Yeah, like I didn't, I didn't. And, and I ended the conversation saying, you know, I'm not mad at you. I think Friends need to be able to have the uncomfortable conversations. And so I just wanted to share with you why I can't do this if. If it's only these people invited.

[Autumn]

For clarity. For you, though, like, meaning for if people are listening. Like, you guys had certain plans and you were still keeping those plans. She was trying to add a new plan to it, and you said, oh, well, if we do that, can I include a few more friends? And she just flat out said, no. And you're like, okay, well, I'm only in town for a few days and I'm trying to see everybody. So I have this time already with you doing this and going to this event. We're gonna do that. But then I can't do this extra thing that you want to add into the mix the next night because I only have a couple nights.

[Geico Customer]

Right.

[Autumn]

And that got blown out of proportion.

[Bretzky]

I mean, that looks like it's going to be the end of our friendship, which is insane. Which is wild.

[Autumn]

That's insane to me.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Like, because you were just like, hey, can other people come too? Because I'm trying to see everybody. No.

[Lady Luck]

Okay, great.

[Autumn]

Then can we do that maybe the next time I'm in town? And she said no, and then she canceled the other plans that you had and told you you couldn't stay there anymore like you were planning on. It's insane. I'm sorry. It just is.

[Bretzky]

It's. Or it's hurtful.

[Autumn]

It's so. It's blown beyond blown out of proportion.

[Bretzky]

But I look at. I was telling someone this. I was actually talking to one of my clients about this the other day. And this is just a little side note. It's not just do friendships, but when you can. When I'm trying to look at everything in life as, like, what is the lesson here for me? And when you're facing a difficult situation or something that, you know, it's not fun to lose a friend or to feel that. I was feeling sick to my stomach. I was having. Eating a couple. Nell was like, get your shit together, bitch. But it's hard, emotional. And like, when. When you have that drop in your stomach, you're just like, oh, my God, this is. And what helps me is talking. And the person wouldn't talk with me. So. But when I look at it, like, what is the value? Like, what can I gain from this? And it is learning that it's okay to do your best, like, do your part at communicating. But when someone just isn't gonna show up, up for you, when someone isn't gonna give you the respect that you think you deserve. It is okay to just peacefully release. And that's really like what forgiveness is. I was thinking about it today. I was like, I. Forgiveness, they say it's for you, not the other person. And it's because you're letting it. It go.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

And it's like, not just moving on and still pissed, but actually like, okay, I'm really gonna let. Let this go, release this. And I don't want to be angry. I just want to be free.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

And so that's. I think that that's the lesson because I've always had a hard time. I like to strong arm relationships and fight to make things last. And I think that it's good to, like, go through the difficult times with people and see if. And survive. Your relationships can survive.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

But also it's okay to let go if someone's not willing to put the same effort you're willing to put in.

[Autumn]

Yeah. And like you said, you can let go, release without the anger still. And then that's. Yeah, that's more for you so that you don't have to have all of that turmoil inside you.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. Have you ever had a. So aside from the situation with.

[Autumn]

Yes.

[Bretzky]

Our former mutual friends. But I'm still. I feel the need to say because that, like, I'm still friends with a lot of the people.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

We're talking about. But. And I really want to also have a side note and say I so appreciate our friendship because I feel like this whole thing has been handled so well just for my position. And I. I love you and I know you love me, and I think a lot of people would have had a harder time working through all the nuances of that.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

But besides that group, because it. That was brought on by so many things with what happened with Bodi and stuff like that. Have you ever had a friend that you're just like, I don't think I can with this anymore. Like, Like. And you've had to end the friendship.

[Autumn]

Yes. Yes.

[Bretzky]

How did it. How did it go?

[Autumn]

This was when Dom was like five or six. And it was my best friend that I had been friends with, maybe he was almost seven. I had been friends with her for a good five years. And like, we were together like three, four days a week hanging out. The kids were friends, like her daughter, Dom, besties. Like, we did everything together. And it. We became friends when I was a personal trainer. And then I signed with Bodi and my career started taking off and I started making more money. She was married to a man who had made cool. Like, they were very wealthy, okay? But then. So she always had way more money than I did because she was married to somebody who had a buttload of money, which, for me, I don't care. Like, I'm not picking my friends based on your financial status, clearly.

[Bretzky]

I'm just kidding.

[Autumn]

Stop it. I love you. But. But then they started going through a divorce. So all of a sudden, she was getting a certain amount of money allotted every month, which, by the way, was still a lot. Yeah, okay. She was fine.

[Lady Luck]

Okay.

[Autumn]

But then I started. Obviously not. Started working my ass off. I had been working my ass off for years. But then money started flowing. The money started changing, and for all intensive purposes, I had more money at my disposal than all of a sudden than she did. And she started to get very mean, girl. Because it was like her and I were besties. We were all together, always together. But then we had a couple other friends that were, like, with us, and it was like, we would be together, and, like, there would be, like, three of us, and they wouldn't talk to me. Like, we would, but we would be, like, at. Like, at her house or something, hanging out. And, like, they would just talk. And I couldn't get in on the conversation no matter how hard I tried. Or, like, I would say something and it would get sort of like a snarky comment back, and I would be

[Geico Customer]

like, what is it?

[Autumn]

This is so weird. Like, what's going on? And she started dating a guy who I also. Like, I was friends with him because he was a producer on a show I had been on, and they had a whole tumultuous thing happen. Anyways, one day he showed up at my house, and he's like, I have to tell you something. And I was like, okay, this is weird, because, like, like, her and I were still best friends at the time. And he was like, I just. I'm not okay with how she treats you. And I was like, what are you talking about? And he was like. I was like, I know sometimes, you know, she could be. And he's like, no, no, Autumn, you don't understand. And he's like, she talks so much shit behind your back. And he opened up his phone and he handed me the phone with text messages that she had sent to him, just saying the meanest things, like, just awful things about me. And I was like.

[Bretzky]

Like, about what? You don't have to say exactly what it was, but about you name it, my personality.

[Autumn]

You name your experience, my personality, even Though I have money. I don't have, like. Like, I don't have any style. Like, she, like, just mean. Just mean. Like what? Like, yeah, what are you talking. Okay. And so in my mind, I had also watched her do some things, even like, in her own family, that I was like, oh, this is getting crazy. Like what? Like, I was over her. Like, she had been on one of the same shows I had been on, and she pulled up like, this spreadsheet that she had of fake email accounts, and she would go on message boards and talk about other people that were on the show from these fake accounts and then compliment herself. And I remember when she showed me that, that was like a few weeks before he had showed up. And I was like, okay, this is

[Bretzky]

like a light bulb went.

[Autumn]

I already was like, this is not okay. Like, what do I do about this? Like, yeah, it was like a weird. Like, I don't know how to handle this. Like, what. What do you say? Cuz this person's not showing you their true colors of like, oh, we got a little crazy going on here, you know, I'm like. And so the final straw, Like, I was trying to figure out, like, what to do about it. I was having a birthday party at my house. I think it was like my 35th birthday party and the week before. So, like, he showed me, I was trying the messages. I was trying to figure out what to do. Like, do I confront her? I didn't want to throw him under the bus, but I just didn't know how to handle it. I was trying to figure it out. And we had a group text going with a bunch of friends and her. Her then husband that she was divorcing was mad about a photo that went up on Instagram. We had taken the kids to Vegas to see a Cirque du Soleil show. Literally, just like, Cirque du Soleil show. Whatever came on, he was mad about it. He messaged, basically told me I didn't have permission to post his daughter because it was like a photo of the four of us, the kids and us. And because my account was growing because the infomercials and all that.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

He was like, if you don't take it down, I'm gonna sue you. I'm like, I'm not getting involved in this drama. Delete. Like, I deleted the photo. I was like, it's not worth it. She lost her on me in a group thread for deleting the photo because she said, I gave him the power to dictate. And I was like, I'm not doing this. I'm not in your and your husband's drama.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Like, I have no problem. The photo's down. I'm not reposting it. And she just went on. And from that moment, like we went back and forth a little bit in the group text and I was like, this is ins. Like, I don't know who you think you're talking to, but like, also, why the group text? Yeah, she wanted the other girls to see it.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And so I just stopped texting to like, I stopped responding for like the next few days. And then she was like, your birthday is coming up. Like your birthday party is coming up. Like, if we don't talk before then I feel like we're not going to be friends. And I was like, I don't have anything to say. And that was the end of it. And then she went on to do some crazy shit and post some crazy comments on my Instagram from some of those other fake accounts that she had.

[Bretzky]

Wow.

[Autumn]

But I knew it was her because I could tell by what she was saying and stuff.

[Lady Luck]

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[Geico Announcer]

We all do it. You have a night for yourself, but don't like the sound of the silence. So you turn on the TV just for the ambiance. It's a little trick that helps you feel like you've got company and aren't alone. And other insurers, well, they may make you feel alone, but when you switch to Geico, you've got claims reps available around the clock. So whenever you need, you'll have people around to help. And let's turn on the washing machine just for good measure. Isn't that soothing?

[Geico Tagline Voice]

It feels good to have support. It feels good to Geico and hopefully

[Autumn]

she doesn't listen to this podcast. Never really said much of this anywhere

[Bretzky]

because, oh, can you imagine if she listens, I would die. Also after a year end, she'd have to really be like, hate listening probably.

[Autumn]

Oh yeah. I mean this has been like 13, this is like 13 years ago. But it Was crazy. And it was very hard. That was a very emotional one for me to lose.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

But I. But like, when I started to see all the things, you know, like when somebody starts to show, it's like. Like the cracks start to show, and then all of a sudden you're like, oh. And then sure enough, I ended up talking to her now ex husband. He lives in the same neighborhood, and so, like, I'll see him from time to time. And I remember, like, I had run into him.

[Bretzky]

Is this the guy who told you he was gonna sue you?

[Autumn]

Yes. Well, whatever. It was more about her. And he was taking a. Like, like totally come to find out, like, the things he. She was telling him while they were married and we, like the first year or two of our friendship, she was like, using me to piss him off.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

So she would tell him all these things about me that weren't true about, like, oh, and she's with this guy and that guy, and like, oh, Autumn and I are going out and I'm sure she's gonna flirt with. And I'm like, I kind of want

[Bretzky]

to meet this girl.

[Autumn]

She sounds psycho.

[Bretzky]

Yeah, I know.

[Autumn]

So he would tell me all this, and I was like, are you kidding me? And I was like, like, you know, like, I'm like a serial monogamist, right? Like, I was like, you know the guys I've dated, like, we would talk about. And he was like, yeah, but she would tell me all this stuff, so I just didn't want her out with you. So, like, whenever I would go over to their house, he was always a little standoffish to me. And I was like, why does your husband hate me? Like, I tried to be so nice to him, but she was telling him all this to piss him off and make him jealous. And I was like, oh, my God, I didn't do any of that. And he was like, I know now, but I didn't.

[Bretzky]

Then I saw a meme the other day that was like, when your, you know, homegirl's boyfriend is like, I don't want you going out with the girls, he don't realize she's the worst one of the group. Like, she's the one exactly like, where's your chilling? She's out here in these streets.

[Autumn]

Literally.

[Bretzky]

That's so funny. Yeah.

[Autumn]

So that is the first. First that was. That's probably the only one I could think of that was like a hard cut off that I had to take. But that was bad.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And that one I feared for, like a long time.

[Bretzky]

Feared.

[Autumn]

Yeah. Because like I said, like, she had all these fake accounts and all this stuff. And. And I was like, I have to be careful about how I end this or I don't know what she'll try to do publicly. And I was just coming up, like, I didn't want to cause drama.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Beachbody. I didn't want Beachbody to be like, what is going on? Like, what is this?

[Bretzky]

Like, all the drama.

[Autumn]

Yeah. Like, why is somebod saying all this? Yeah. So it was very.

[Bretzky]

I think it's. There's something. So, like, I think maybe at different times, we've all kind of felt this. But it's a nice reminder you.

[Autumn]

If.

[Bretzky]

If you're a friend, winning at something is causing you to crash out a little bit or feel less about yourself or need to find other ways to tear them down. First is just acknowledge that you're having those feelings. Because it's. It is human nature at times to feel a little jealousy, of course. Or a little, like, why do they get it and not me? Or why can't I have what that person has?

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

But also, then do the difficult work of seeing how you can address those feelings and change them. Because it's just. Jealousy is just. It's toxic as.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

And you can't get ahead. Like, I'm. I'm a full believer in if you're in the mindset of why do they get that and not me? You're actually just perpetuating your lack. And that you're someone who doesn't get things. Yeah, exactly. But when you can celebrate your friends and loved ones and people, you know, who have big wins.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

It happens a lot with entertainers. Like people who are in. Who audition for things. Or like, if someone auditions for Broadway for years and years and years and then their friend does one and gets it. Exactly. And you're like, what? And it. And all of the things could be true. They might not be more talented. They might not all of those things. But for you to go down that list is just so toxic and friendly reminder that there's some work you can do to not think that way. And it's just so much better to celebrate people.

[Autumn]

Right. Yeah. You know, and if you. Yeah. Like, if you can't. That. That's on you.

[Bluff]

But.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

What about you? Have. I mean, we ended up going all friends, but that's okay. Have you ever had to cut somebody? I mean, I guess kind of this person you're.

[Bretzky]

Well, this.

[Autumn]

Drawing a hard line in the sand, but you should be.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. I'm Just at a point where so like, I also. It's. It's nuanced because when you're. When you hit a crossroads with a friend, it's like you love that person, but it's about loving yourself and having healthy boundaries. And I feel really disrespected, especially for the lack of communication for what happened. It would be different if it's like I was caught slashing her tires on a ring camera or something. Then it's like, okay, I'm not going to even talk to that person because they're obviously like not a good person.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

But when something like this happens, I just. It's like I have to draw the line. Other friends I have sort of. I'm the kind of person who I'll maintain friendships, but just in my mind, quietly adjust the ways. But I. I place them.

[Autumn]

Expectations.

[Bretzky]

Expectations. Yeah. Like knowing like, I have a friend. I. I say I have a friend, but we actually. I haven't seen her in a long time, but she is someone who I knew would steal from me.

[Autumn]

Oh.

[Bretzky]

And in my.

[Autumn]

That's not a friend.

[Bretzky]

But in my mind, I felt that this person had a little bit of like a klepto condition and hon couldn't help it.

[Autumn]

Let's not make excuses. But okay,

[Bretzky]

one time. One time we had. There was a big party at her house and I was in my 20s. She was. She was older, but like. So. But it was a wild party where we'd oftentimes go drink too much and everyone would just crash there and sort of get up early in the morning and go on your way after you sleep it off a little bit. So. So my friend went and woke up and couldn't find her phone. This isn't my. Another one of my friends was there. Okay, so we're looking for the phone. I'm looking for the phone. And our friend whose house it was, who. I'm talking about the klepto. The klepto was like, I don't know where it is, whatever. And so we were like, all right, well, we gotta go. And this was when people were like, are you team iPhone or BlackBerry? So it was before you could like do find my iPhone and stuff like that.

[Bluff]

And it.

[Bretzky]

I think it was a BlackBerry actually. And. And I later, I knew that there was something not right about this. So I texted this person and said, have you found it? Because my friend. I lied, but I was like, my friend has pictures and the last text messages that she got from a friend of hers who has since passed on that phone. And. And it's just like, not just about the phone. There's so much sentimental value. And so I was trying to pull any heartstrings that. And so there was some truth to what I was saying, but I was intentionally playing that card.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

And the next text I got said, oh, my God, you won't believe it. I was cleaning and I accidentally knocked over the silverware on the counter, and it felt beside the fridge. And so I moved the fridge and down between the fridge and the counter was her phone. And I don't believe that.

[Autumn]

I mean, it could be, but.

[Bretzky]

Well, also, there's just a few cases that there were things where I was like, okay, this person's capable of lying, but I. I think that she loves me. She's just a chronic liar. So I do a fault. And I was also my twenties. I. I would hope now in my life I would handle that situation differently. But what I've mostly done with friends is I just sort of place them, and sometimes it's without a conversation. It's knowing that this person is capable of lying or deceiving me in this way. And so I'm only going to give them as much space knowing that.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

But as you get older, it's like you have less time and space for the.

[Autumn]

That's really. Yeah. When it comes down to, you know, all of that is going back to the girl who was like, in my 20s, I was friends with somebody. Should I be friends with him again now?

[Bretzky]

Honestly, it's up to you. But I would have the we. So we have. I'm not going to read it, but we had a phone, a friend follow up with us that someone who's we. Who we did.

[Autumn]

Okay.

[Bretzky]

And she said, it seems like a going theme in our advice is have the difficult conversation. And that that has been such a good thing. And like, it was her phone. A friend was about her and her husband, and they since have started therapy and things are actually getting a lot better.

[Autumn]

That's amazing.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. So I was like, really encouraged to hear it. But to her point, I think having the conversation, if that person meant enough to you that you're willing to say, I'm okay to give this a try. But I felt like before in our friendship, we. And I would. I would say, don't just say. You don't just point the fingers because you were a part of it. Say, we often talk bad about people. And I sense it just really tried to stop doing that.

[Autumn]

So I don't even think you need to say that. Until you see if they start doing it again. It's been so long. Probably like, like.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Because they've gone their separate ways. Not. Whatever that. Yeah. But I do think you and I are both. We have the personality of. We'll have the difficult conversation because I think we love really hard. So like, if you're in our circle, you didn't get there easily.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

We don't. We're not the. Just like anybody can. And it's not because we're mean. I think we're both that, like, we're sort of shy. We're a little like guarded to protect ourselves a little bit. So like, if you get past the walls and the barriers and you're in.

[Bretzky]

What's up, everybody? It's Bretzky. And America is turning 250. And I can't think of a better way to celebrate that than playing on an American owned social casino. Spinquest.com with all of your favorite games. Live crap bubble craps, live blast, blackjack. There's no better place to play for free and win real cash prizes.

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[Geico Customer]

When I scraped my car in that parking garage, I was worried that it could be a long process to take care of it. Like a landscaper's first day trimming a hedge maze.

[Bretzky]

I have definitely already been here now, what was it? Left right or right left? Well, maybe I'll cut a path out and find my way back later.

[Geico Customer]

It wasn't like that. I filed a claim in under two minutes on the Geico app and they handled it from there. It was taken care of almost as quickly as it happened.

[Geico Tagline Voice]

It feels good to get help quick. It feels good to Geico.

[Autumn]

You're in.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And I'm, I'm here for it. And so like, I'm not going to let it go easily. I'm going to. If there's an issue, if I've done something wrong, I'm more than willing to admit it.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Like I want to have the conversation. I want to be able to explain myself. Not necessarily defend, but maybe explain and then hear why that was hurt your feelings or I. Or I did it, you know, and I want to then have the opportunity to genuinely apologize. And I want to give you that same opportunity. If vice versa, if you've hurt my feelings, I want to give you the opportunity. I want to say this made me feel this way.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

But if you don't ever have the conversation, also let me Just tell you one last thing I hate more than anything. I. I am not here to try to have the difficult conversations in a text message. Either pick up the phone when I call or you. Part of my language. And I say that because I'm mad. Like, I still have a little anger and resentment about the fact that, like, there was several people where it was like, I called and they wouldn't answer, but they had no problem saying things in text. And I'm like, I don't want to do this in text. I love you. I want to have this conversation. Text can get taken out of context. You can't hear the tone. Like, I had one person literally said, like one friend send me a 10 minute voice memo. Listen. If it's longer than a minute, that's a phone call. 10 minutes. Now I gotta listen to the whole thing. And I have to listen to the whole thing. And then I have to try to respond back in a voice memo because you won't answer the phone to everything. And so I'm trying to remember all the things you said.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And hit all the points. And inevitably I'm gonna miss something or misinterpret it because I'm trying. My brain's like, just pick up the phone.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Let's go point by point and have a conversation. But, like, if you really care about the friendship, you're not trying. This is such a cop out.

[Bretzky]

Yeah, I agree. I feel like, I feel like the time that text might be good is if you need a day. And so you say, hey, I love you and want to have this conversation, but I'm also struggling and I just need you to give me a minute. And I mean a minute. Like dragging it out.

[Autumn]

Two weeks is not.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. Because at that point you're hardening your heart.

[Autumn]

Yes.

[Bretzky]

Is what you're doing.

[Autumn]

If you, if you're like, you're also working yourself up.

[Bretzky]

Exactly.

[Autumn]

To get angry when you like. Meaning the person saying, I need a minute, they're just gonna. For two weeks, they're gonna.

[Geico Customer]

Well, that's.

[Bretzky]

That's what hurts me so, so bad about the situation I'm in right now. I feel like I poured my heart and soul into this friendship. And I know that she did too. And I don't, I don't expect either of anyone to be perfect. I don't think I was perfect or her. Like, everyone sometimes says things they don't mean or does things or whatever.

[Bluff]

But.

[Bretzky]

But to think about the villain that I must be turning into because of what someone has to do to Validate themselves to not even have a conversation with me for two weeks feels like such a betrayal to our friendship.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

And so I agree. Like all of that and you're not going to have a conversation with me because you're more committed to being right.

[Autumn]

Right. Well, that's what I said. Like the 10 minute voice memo that was was you wanted to say everything and you didn't want to give me a chance to talk through that. You wanted to say it, be right. And even if I send mine back, who knows if you're gonna actually listen to it right or not? You know, like.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

So it's just. Yeah, it, it's fine to say in a text I need a minute. It's not fine to say in a text all the reasons you're mad or all the reasons you feel whatever, and then just expect the person to either have to respond back in a text or wait for you to maybe one day call. Look, if you need a minute, say I'm gonna call you. Like if it's a Monday, I'm gonna call you on Wednesday. What time are you available? Like I just need 48 hours. But like, let's set a time to talk.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

So that way the person on the

[Bretzky]

other end doesn't have this open ended.

[Autumn]

Like, are we ever gonna talk again? Is our friendship over? At that point you might as well. Like, by the way, if you aren't going to talk in to the person that's doing it to you right now, don't say, I'll let you know when I'm ready. Just say I'm done.

[Bretzky]

Right.

[Autumn]

Because like you're going on week three now.

[Bretzky]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

It's like. Or just say, I don't know if I intend to talk to you again.

[Bretzky]

Yeah. And that, that says more than that because that then you know what? I already have enough. What? I already know what I need to hear. And that's what it felt when she said, said I'll reach out when I'm ready.

[Autumn]

Respect.

[Bretzky]

After two weeks.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

It's like, what the yeah did I do to deserve to be so dismissed? So I'm over here like having a hard time eating and, and you'll reach out when you're ready. It's just so disrespectful. So I agree.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

Set a time if you, it's fine to cool off. And that's why I, I waited two weeks.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

But at some point you're not, you're not, you don't need more time than that.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Bretzky]

You're not recovering from an injury.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Bretzky]

You know what I mean?

[Autumn]

Yeah, exactly. Come on, like, yeah, go grow up.

[Bretzky]

Adult relationships are hard and friendships are hard because it's like you feel the same. I don't know, like, there's so many more moving pieces as like when you're a kid and you get in a fight with a friend and then you

[Autumn]

make up and whatever playground, it's over by recess.

[Bretzky]

Exactly. But it is so nuanced. I too, I. And it's fresh for me. And that's also why I wanted to hit that phone. A friend. Because of what I'm going through. It's just, I understand how difficult it can be to handle friendships. I did want to say about. Because of how strong sometimes people perceive me to come across regarding politics. I, I don't think I'm committed to not judging a person based on at surface what I understand their politics to be. And I think that that's what everybody should do. I just want to say that again, like, just because you think that someone is different politically than you, don't let that be as deep as you go with that person. Because all of us trying to understand each other more I think is going to really help a lot on a surface level. But yeah, yeah, girl, if anyone listening is like, is this. It is okay to have enough. And that's how I feel with this, with this situation. I've had enough of being dismissed and, and not even given the courtesy to have that conversation.

[Autumn]

Yeah, I think you have have conversations. If the friendship matters to you. If it doesn't, then you just have to say that. You could say it nicely. I don't think I can continue this friendship anymore. Like, but it's the, it's the lack of closure or anything that I think is the worst part for somebody that like has been in your life for a long time that you've cared about and things like that. So yeah, listen, we love our phone friends. We're here to give you guys our unhinged rants, unresearched advice. Yeah, you can email us at everythingsperfectpodcastmail.

[Bretzky]

Also hit us up on Instagram. Everything's perfect. Official and as always, keep them coming. We'll see you guys next week.

[Lady Luck]

Bye.

[Autumn]

Hey everybody. Lady luck here.

[Lady Luck]

And we're celebrating America's 250th birthday now. Also summer long, I'm going to be celebrating by playing on spinquest.com which is an American owned social casino. It obviously features over a thousand slot games and live blackjack, live craps, live bubble craps. Head on over to spinquest.com get yourself a 30 coin pack for just 10 bucks.

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[Geico Customer]

When I scraped my car in that parking garage, I was worried that it could be a long process to take care of, like a landscaper's first day trimming a hedge maze.

[Bretzky]

I have definitely already been here. Now, was it left right or right left? Well, maybe I'll cut a path out and find my way back later.

[Geico Customer]

But it wasn't like that. I filed a claim in under two minutes on the Geico app and they handled it from there. It was taken care of almost as quickly as it happened.

[Geico Tagline Voice]

It feels good to get help quick. It feels good to Geico.