Everything’s Perfect…Except He Took His Secrets With Him

Summary

Everything’s Perfect – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Everything’s Perfect…Except He Took His Secrets With Him
Hosts: Autumn Calabrese & Donald Stamper
Release Date: April 14, 2026

---

Main Theme or Purpose

This episode of Everything’s Perfect dives headfirst into secrets: the hidden sides of ourselves, particularly when it comes to sexuality, private memorabilia, and what gets left behind when someone passes away. Inspired by a listener’s DM about finding unexpected sex toys after her husband's death, Autumn and Donald explore the complexity of secrets, the stigma around sexual openness, the fine line between privacy and honesty in relationships, and how our hidden sides shape both the stories we're able to tell and the ones left forever untold.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Essential Oils and Accidental Injuries (00:00–03:36; 44:54-47:21)

• Funny opener: Autumn recalls a personal blunder involving clove essential oil in a hot bath, causing an unpleasant burning sensation on sensitive body parts.
• Memorable Quote:
  • “Your balls are on fire.” – Donald (00:28)
  • “Tip of my penis is dipped in acid.” – Autumn (00:29, 45:49)
• Both hosts exchange stories about physical mishaps (Jalapeño incidents, childhood injuries), establishing a playful, candid tone for the episode.

Spontaneity vs. Planning and Relationship Dynamics (01:06–02:11)

• The duo joke about their differing planning styles, with Autumn being spontaneous and Donald admitting to a mix of both.
• Sets up the theme of how people manage unpredictability in their lives.

Technology Fumbles & Recording the Unexpected (03:06–07:49)

• Autumn pokes fun at her own struggles recording moments on her phone, paralleling elderly stereotypes.
• Donald shares a story about capturing a neighbor's massive tree falling into his backyard, highlighting the unpredictability of life.

Listener DM: The Secret Sex Toys (07:57–13:36)

• Listener’s anonymous DM details discovering a butt plug and large dildo in her late husband’s garage—never discussed, never used together in 30 years of marriage.
• “He took his secrets with him…” – Listener (paraphrased by Autumn; 08:08–08:50)
• Hosts discuss possibilities: Was he into kinks privately? Was there infidelity? Or was it something the wife just never knew?
• Donald posits a third scenario: maybe it was something for another woman, but both agree it’s most likely the husband kept private sexual interests out of shame or fear of stigma.

Societal Stigma and Gender Norms in Sexuality (10:56–13:36)

• Discussion about straight men and butt play, and the cultural misperception that such interests are exclusively linked to homosexuality.
• Autumn shares:
  • “It can feel probably a little bit uncomfortable if you’re into butt stuff on yourself…because there’s such a stigma that that automatically means you’re gay.” (10:56)
• Both hosts encourage nonjudgmental exploration and communication in healthy relationships.

Secrets, Memories, and Sentimental Keepsakes (13:55–18:33)

• Autumn and Donald reflect on the dilemma: should you keep mementos from past relationships (photos, love notes)? At what point do you delete or destroy them? If you died, would you want your current partner or family to find them?
• “You gotta have a plan…God forbid anything happens, you go to my house, you get rid of the safe.” – Donald (17:29)
• Both admit to holding onto items, but for sentimental, not secretive, reasons.

Planning for Your Secrets (18:33–24:14)

• Do you and your friends have “arrangements” in case of your unexpected passing—someone to dispose of embarrassing or intimate belongings?
• Donald shares being closeted until 27 and how compartmentalization breeds secrecy.

Real-Life Example: Family Secrets After Death (20:28–24:14)

• Autumn tells the story of a former colleague’s father who died of AIDS; only after death did the family discover glamour photos of him in drag and a secret phone line.
• Quote:
  • “Who were they? I didn’t know my dad or I didn’t know my husband…” – Donald (21:54)
• Both express sympathy: for the people left behind with unanswered questions, and for the deceased who couldn’t live authentically.

Parental Secrets & Generational Differences (25:09–27:59)

• Donald recounts finding an instructional sex DVD in his father’s apartment, sharing the humor and discomfort with his siblings.
• The hosts muse on generational openness (or lack thereof) about sex.

Childhood Story: Hiding and Discovering (31:08–34:39)

• Donald and Autumn laugh about searching attics as kids, and Autumn recalls his mom finding hidden bodybuilding magazines—early signs of his future identity.
• Gender roles, childhood self-perception, and how early interests are not always straightforward clues to sexuality or gender identity.

Gender Identity and Societal Pressure (33:00–37:10)

• Autumn opens up about playing dress-up and fleeting wishes to be a girl as a child, underscoring the importance of space for exploration without imposing labels.

Privacy, Openness, and Keeping Secrets in Relationships (50:06–57:27)

• Is it okay to keep certain things private from a partner? Where’s the line between privacy and necessary transparency?
• “Is it really a secret, or is it just…none of their business unless it directly affects them?”
• Conversation explores “lies of omission,” intention, and what actually matters for relationship trust and respect.

Audience Engagement: Your Stories (57:27–59:28)

• Autumn encourages listeners to share their own secret stories and dilemmas.
• “Do you have a flag? Is there some secret thing? Is there a thing you’ve kept?” – Donald (57:27)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Your balls are on fire.” – Donald (00:28)
• “Tip of my penis is dipped in acid.” – Autumn (00:29)
• “I learned a lot from the anal episode.” – Listener DM (08:08)
• “He took his secrets with him…” – Listener (08:50, paraphrased)
• “You gotta have a plan…God forbid anything happens, you go to my house, you get rid of the safe.” – Donald (17:29)
• “Who were they? I didn’t know my dad or I didn’t know my husband…” – Donald (21:54)
• “If you have a kink that you would like to bring…don’t feel embarrassed about it…talk to your partner.” – Autumn (49:51)
• “What secrets, if any, should you feel obligated [to share]…is it okay to keep secrets from your partner and where is the line?” – Autumn (51:58)

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• [00:00] – Essential oils blunder & accidental injury stories
• [07:54] – Listener DM sets up main discussion
• [13:55] – Memories & secrets from past relationships
• [20:28] – Real-life family secret discovered after death
• [31:08] – Childhood discoveries and questioning identity
• [37:26] – Gender roles, identity, and parental influence
• [50:06] – Honest talk: keeping secrets, privacy, and trust in relationships
• [57:27] – Invitation for listener stories and wrap-up thoughts

---

Tone & Takeaways

The episode strikes a balance between vulnerability and humor, maintaining the hosts' signature warmth and open-mindedness—often irreverent, always compassionate. Listeners are left with thoughtful questions about intimacy, honesty, and the value (and potential pain) of secrets. Above all, the show gives implicit permission to laugh about the awkward and painful stuff, reinforcing the central idea: “Everything’s perfect… kind of.”

---

For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This episode is a must-listen if you’re curious about how relationships—romantic, familial, or with oneself—handle secrets, shame, curiosity, and the messiness of real life. It’s also a gentle nudge to reflect: What would people find if you were gone? And would it help, or haunt, those you love?

Transcript

[Autumn Calabrese]

You makes me think one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I was not feeling very well, and my aunt. My aunt was all into essential oils. And so if I was sick or had a cold or whatever, she'd take clove and rub it on my. Or tell me to rub it on my chest, whatever. And so I was like, I'm gonna take a hot bath. I was like, some good essential oil therapy in here will be good. So drop, drop, drop, drop. I drop a bunch of these clove oil drops in the hot bath, get in the bath, sink in, smell the clove, and all of a sudden your

[Donald Stamper]

balls are on fire.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Tip of my penis is d. Acid. I was like. My mom was like, what?

[Donald Stamper]

What?

[Autumn Calabrese]

I was like. I was like, I put clove in the bathtub and it burns. She's like, oh, yeah, you can't do that. I'm like, you put that on the label.

[Donald Stamper]

Hi, guys. Donald's back in town.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Guess who's back.

[Donald Stamper]

Back again. So we have. Yeah, we're trying to figure out where to have dinner tonight. He just canceled our dinner reservation.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Well, I left an hour ago and somehow it was actually like five hours ago. Yeah, whole day just flew by, so. I love it. The world is our oyster. Are you. Do you like to. Are you a planner?

[Donald Stamper]

Yes, for the most part, yes. In daily life, yes. Am I also somebody who just loves to be spontaneous and be like, all right, let's. Yeah, let's book a flight tomorrow and get the hell out of here.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yes, yes and yes. And I'm not a big planner. I really like, I will make a dinner res. But even that, like, especially. So I'm here and we were gonna go to dinner someplace where one of my friends works so we can like, two birds, one stone. See a friend while Nell and I are in town, we'll go out to dinner, whatever. But he got called off work tonight. And so making the reservation at this place, though, like, even though it's literally we would have to leave in two hours, the fact that they wanted a credit card in case we didn't show up made me think, well, what if I changed my mind? I have big issues when it comes to those kinds of plans.

[Donald Stamper]

That's a commitment.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Uh huh.

[Donald Stamper]

Are we seeing Charlie tonight or no?

[Autumn Calabrese]

I hope so.

[Donald Stamper]

Okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I. We're in a very limbo state of life.

[Donald Stamper]

We're going to just record a podcast and we'll figure out dinner afterwards. So a lot of times we sit down and start talking and we do our phone. A friend at the end.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yes.

[Donald Stamper]

But you got a DM the other day.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I did.

[Donald Stamper]

That was so good. And by so good, I mean it brought up an interesting topic.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right.

[Donald Stamper]

And you have permission to read the DM without saying the person's name.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I do.

[Donald Stamper]

Correct.

[Autumn Calabrese]

So just a second. I'm going to.

[Donald Stamper]

You have to dig through our text messages. It's been a hot second,

[Autumn Calabrese]

so. Whoops. I'm FaceTiming you.

[Donald Stamper]

Oh, hi. Okay, right here. Clearly, we're out of practice. Two weeks goes by, and, I mean,

[Autumn Calabrese]

the more I the them, how often I feel like. No offense, but you know how there's a stigma around elderly people with technology and phones?

[Donald Stamper]

Like.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Like, I need friends who can whip out their phone and be recording in two seconds. I swear to God, it's hard for me. You can start the Happy Birthday song, and you better not be singing it too fast, because I won't even be recording and videoing.

[Donald Stamper]

I don't even think pull my phone out.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Literally. It's so. So that's. It's. You know, it takes me a minute to get it all, but I found. I found the message.

[Donald Stamper]

Hold on. Speaking of. It's so funny that you said that, though, because I don't know if you saw my Instagram story or not, because you didn't actually say anything to me. So. So I'm guessing you didn't see this the other day. I'm sitting on my couch. It's kind of like this hour, like the 4 o' clock hour, and I'm home alone. And the dogs start barking like crazy. And they go running to the front door, and I'm like, what are you guys barking at? There's nobody here. But I get up, I go, look, there's nobody at the front door. I go back to the couch, and as I'm about to sit down on the couch, the dogs start going crazy again. And I've got shades on the doors that lead out to the backyard, but they're very thin shades, like linen. So I could see out there. And I see that the bushes are moving quite a bit. And I'm like, what the hell? So I'm a little worried. Like, is there a coyote out there? Like, what's in the bushes? Cause they're not, like, moving a little bit there. There's something happening with the bushes. And I always have my phone in my hand because it's an appendage at this point.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

And I open the door, but I only crack it. Cause I don't want the dogs to run out in case it is like a coyote or something. And I open the door and I'm standing there and I hear pop, pop. And I'm like, oh my God. And I whip my phone out and I start recording. So my neighbor behind me has like refused to trim his trees for the last like three years. And I keep saying, like, your trees are too high. We're not even allowed to have them this high. You've got to cut them down and like cut him back. And he hadn't cutting them back. Pop, pop, pop.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Oh my gosh.

[Donald Stamper]

One of the trees that's like 50ft tall broke and I had it all on video and just came crashing down onto my property. So, like took out a huge chunk of my hedges. And thank God, because like, like I said it was like 4 o' clock in the afternoon. Like a lot of times the dogs are outside at that time. They love going under those hedges because it's shady for them. So like they like to go out there and just kind of sit under there. I had been laying out at the pool a little bit earlier right next to it, and I'm like watching it happen because it took like a good minute and a half. Like it popped several times. It stopped. It kind of fell. It stopped and then it fully fell. But the like heater outside is there, like the stand up heater. And I'm like, oh my God, it's going to fall on the propane heater. Which it did.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Oh my goodness.

[Donald Stamper]

I was so worried. I was like, if this propane goes up.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. Or the tree, the dead tree catches on fire.

[Donald Stamper]

Is the tree going to catch on fire?

[Autumn Calabrese]

Like spreads to your house? And this is la. So this is la.

[Donald Stamper]

And all of a sudden.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Oh my God. Thank God. It did land on the heater. It knocked it over. It smashed the thing. Like, thank God. Like, once it fell and nothing, nothing worse happened. I went over there and I was able to like pull the heater out from under it, stand it up. Okay. But like a week earlier, we had done my photo shoot out there for the beverage line. Could you imagine if I was out there with like a crew of 30 people and a freaking tree fell?

[Autumn Calabrese]

No. That's wild.

[Donald Stamper]

Crazy. So he, the neighbor Kent called him, he came over, he saw what had happened. Like he had a tree person come out, clean it up. He knows he has to pay to replant the hedges and he's trimming back his very overgrown trees. But it was, I just thought of that because that's scary. So scary. But the fact that I was able to catch it on my phone is what are the chances? Yeah, Like, I never have the phone ready to go.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Good for you. Yeah, I would have literally, like, pop, pop. I'm still like, face ID isn't working. And I know you don't even need the face ID to do your camera, but when I'm quickly needing to get to my camera, I forget all of that.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah, you forget you can just swipe up on it.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Exactly. It's like, oh, my God. Then it's front facing and I have to turn it around. It's always a thing.

[Donald Stamper]

Spin your body.

[Autumn Calabrese]

No, I actually did see that. That was crazy.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah, it was nuts.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But I'm glad everybody's okay. And that more damage. Like a tree didn't fall in your house or something.

[Donald Stamper]

Oh, my gosh. Seriously? That was my bigger fear because some of the trees are so big that if they break at the bottom, they would hit my roof.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right. And this one, like, part of this tree split, right?

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah, part of it. And the way it came down, like, the hedges stopped it, but, like, could have done damage to the pool.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Someone could have gotten hurt.

[Donald Stamper]

So I count my blessings, honestly, even though it was annoying that it happened.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Well, anyways, speaking of counting blessings, I

[Donald Stamper]

don't know that this is a blessing that she's counting, but this is what

[Autumn Calabrese]

Someone messaged me us on Instagram. And with permission, I can share this anonymously said. Okay, you two. I learned a lot from the anal episode.

[Donald Stamper]

We're somehow. We're still on serve.

[Autumn Calabrese]

My husband died recently and I found a butt plug and a huge dildo in the garage. And these were not the beginner models and they were put away used. Ew. In all caps. Your podcast episode answered some questions for me and affirmed a few things too. Not sure if you had. If he had a fetish or if he was into men or what. I'll never know. And I'm never telling our kids. Weirdly, we never tried anal in our almost 30 years together, given his interest. Laugh emoji. And then just said, loves our podcast. Whatever moved on from that. But that was the main part that we wanted to talk about. And it.

[Donald Stamper]

Well, and the main. Like when. When you sent it to me, we started texting because I was like, okay, first of all, like, that's insane. Like, your husband passed and then you find this box that has stuff in it in the garage, and you can't get any answers. So there's never. Yeah, closure. And so we were talking about, like, the things that people keep maybe Hide from their significant other. And like, what happens if something God forbid, happens to you? Like, you gotta have a plan.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right. Right.

[Donald Stamper]

But I just thought about something because when we, when you and I first talked about that, we had, you know, there was one of two thoughts, but I just had a third thought about it, which was either he was into it, like a kink fetish for himself, or he was into guys. And I hate to say this, and I'm not trying to be like the Debbie Downer, but I guess the third thing could be that he had an affair and that it was used on a different woman. I would probably lean more towards the kink or into men.

[Autumn Calabrese]

It sounds.

[Donald Stamper]

Because I feel like you would at least ask your wife to try that.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Exactly. Like there would be more. Like maybe, maybe it's something that you bring up subtly and because your wife doesn't seem interested in it, then maybe you found it someplace else.

[Donald Stamper]

But if it had never been brought up, that it's probably either there was an interest in enjoying that for himself.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Which is what I hope it was.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I think that's probably what it was. And I, I think.

[Donald Stamper]

But she said these were not the beginner models.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I know.

[Donald Stamper]

I was like, oh God.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But I want, I want to be like, can you send pics?

[Donald Stamper]

I know, I need more info.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. I'm curious. I'm just collecting evidence here. Yeah. Data. The thing to me is. Well, first I think that for an average, I say middle age. But when I say middle age, I mean like my parents age. Because I'm middle aged.

[Donald Stamper]

Because we're middle aged, honey.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But like to just to straight, average, like man, it can feel probably a little bit uncomfortable if you're like into butt stuff on yourself and you to know because there's such a stigma that that automatically means you're gay.

[Donald Stamper]

Right. And I'm asking your wife for that.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right.

[Donald Stamper]

To do that to you would maybe make you very uncomfortable to let her.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right.

[Donald Stamper]

Know that.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yes. But I have more stories I'll, I'll share as we continue talking about this. But, but I do I, you know, I hate for like there's so many things I hate for, for someone like that. Oh. She said when I asked if I could share it, she wrote me and said that when he was dying, he said he bought some stuff. She's going to find some things in the garage that he bought for them to try at some time. Like he was covering his tracks, saying it was for them to try. But when she sent us the message, she said this was Used like, she's not buying that. And from what I got from my interaction with her, she. She believes that he was using it and was. And maybe he wanted to say it sometime, but that's a hard thing because also like the gender norms of. Because I have a friend who I know would be okay with me sharing this. You met her? She actually came to my birthday. Okay, I wonder if people are going to be in the photos now, but she had a relationship with a guy and they were total. Like, she was the dom and he was totally the submissive. Like he would wear little lacy underpants and stuff and. And no one would know except her. And they totally like. And she loved dominating him. And it was this whole thing. But it sounds so crazy, but because it's so. Like, usually the woman's supposed to be submissive and the man's. I'm doing finger quotes. The man's supposed to be like the aggressive one. So it's interesting because that's just not always the case.

[Donald Stamper]

I know I. I say to each their own.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. But I do want, like I would say to her, and hopefully she. She's listening to this, that it doesn't have to mean that he had some secret or that he didn't love her. It really is just an embarrassing thing to talk about. And it could be as simple of as something he tried and he liked the sensation. He didn't know how to bring it up right. So he just masturbated that way sometimes,

[Donald Stamper]

you know, And I don't even think it's really embarrassing, but I think it's like you said, it gets deemed embarrassing. Or like not everybody has the most open conversation. Not everybody's. You and I open books. Like, let's talk about sex, baby.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Open books, open buttholes, all the open things. Totally kidding.

[Donald Stamper]

But kidding. Not kidding. But it brings up, like we were saying, like so, so many people have these things that they keep, whether, like they're your little secrets, whatever it might be. It doesn't even have to be a sex thing. Okay, question for you. I hope I'm not putting you in the hot seat because you're in a relationship. Yeah, but have you ever had stuff that you've kept from, like a previous relationship? Maybe you break up with somebody and you have something, be it naked photos, love letters, cards, and you're not in another relationship yet, so you still have that stuff. And then all of a sudden you go into another relationship and you either just not thinking about it or it still holds sentimental value for that place. And Moment in time. So you're not wanting to get rid of it, but also you don't want the new person to find it.

[Autumn Calabrese]

You know, it's so interesting. And I will just be honest. Nell and I haven't talked in depth about this.

[Donald Stamper]

Okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But I. Well, the other day, my phone. Because, you know, sometimes your phone will, like, if you're. If you open your photos, it'll show memories and stuff. Memory, whatever. Well, it was showing a memory that wasn't bad. But I was like, oh, God. It was a trip that I took that another guy did go on that trip with me.

[Donald Stamper]

Okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And I realized because I'm not a very organized. I don't keep a lot. I don't keep photos in my phone organized. Half the things I take I never see again. And I have like, probably six or seven thousand photos and videos in my phone. I'm sure there are things in there that I. I don't intend to have, but I still have.

[Donald Stamper]

Right.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And that made me think, oh, I would hate for like a memory that would look really scandalous, like if Nelson my phone. Like, why do you have that?

[Donald Stamper]

Right.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But I also believe that he, like, would understand me saying, honestly, I had no idea because he knows that I'm a hot mess everywhere, all the time. But on the flip side of that, I do have some things from. Or like some pictures that aren't inappropriate or something that. That are, like, from past relationships that I keep because they're were a part of my life.

[Donald Stamper]

Right. You're not trying to erase your past.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah, it's not. I always found that really strange unless someone was. Was really you were in an abusive situation or something like that. But for me, it's a fine line. But there's definitely things that I should do, is I should clean up a little bit. Okay. I didn't realize that was in there. And it can go, you know, interesting. Like, I'm sure there are some naked photos in my phone of people that I don't realize are in there, but I haven't gone in to get rid of. Just kidding.

[Donald Stamper]

Well, I have from a previous relationship. I have photos, text messages. Like, not all the photos are inappropriate. Some of the photos are just like you said.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Memories, things like that. Text messages that had a lot of meaning that were like, very sweet when they were so, you know, when things ended, it was like, certain things I, like, want to save. And now look, I'm not in a relationship right now.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

So the question becomes, if and when do I need to delete those things or do I get. Am I allowed to keep those? Because I think if it's not an inappropriate photo, it's like you said, it's a moment in time, so. But on the other hand, it's like, I don't know.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I think it depends why you have it, not you, why the person.

[Donald Stamper]

Exactly. But it is an interesting thing because then, like, look, you. You're not going to be quick to delete something that has a lot of meaning unless you get into a serious relationship. So it's not gonna get deleted right away. But I just think about it in all sorts of aspects. Like, you know, I've told you there's a safe in my closet. God forbid anything happens, you go to my house, you get rid of the safe. You don't need to open the safe just to safe go somewhere else, bottom of the ocean, I don't care. It's honestly nothing that bad. But it's just, you know, like there's some toys and things in there that I just don't want to find. Like that would be an embarrassing thing for him to have to find. He doesn't need to find it. My friend knows that if the worst

[Autumn Calabrese]

happens, get the safe.

[Donald Stamper]

The safe just needs to go. Yeah, like, again, this is nothing like so terrible. Like, oh my God, we all have things that like, yes, like there's cards and let. And there's just certain things that like nobody else needs to read and know about. Those were my. Those are mine and those are my memories. But they should go.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah, like, yes.

[Donald Stamper]

So do you, do you like that?

[Autumn Calabrese]

Do people, do people have an arrangement,

[Donald Stamper]

like an arrangement with a friend, like, you gotta, you gotta have my back.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah, I know.

[Donald Stamper]

Are you just willing to let shit hit the fan, be messy and God forbid the worst happens, you're like, fuck, I'm gone. Doesn't matter.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Well, I think a good way for someone to check in with themselves, where they're at, how they're feeling in their relationship. And they're not even just romantic one, but like, because if you have. I think about this a lot. We. We talked about this a little bit and kind of in another subject, but. Because I was in the closet until I was 27 with my parents and a lot of my friends and a lot of people, and I created this like alternate universe of myself. And the fact is there is a time where if something happened to me and someone got access to my phone, they're finding things. They're finding things that are like, oh my God, I thought we knew him. So well, right. And look at all of this. And I mean. I mean, things like Grindr, it's a gay dating app. And I. Not really scandalous things, but things I. I was lying about. I was saying things that would probably

[Donald Stamper]

make them be like, why didn't he just tell us? He felt like we. We feel so bad. He felt like he couldn't tell us.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Or he said he was hanging out with his friend, you know, Stephanie, for example, but he was going to meet up with a guy, even though that's, like, totally fine that I was going to meet up with a guy. I was so embarrassed. And.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah.

[Autumn Calabrese]

So it makes you think it, to me is a good opportunity to be like, okay, am I so compartmentalized? Like, are the parts of myself so separate that I need to maybe learn

[Donald Stamper]

to be more flying around?

[Autumn Calabrese]

My eyes are just going like this the whole time. So. Because I think about that right now, if I died, I think, like, sure, people would find, like, some things they didn't know about, or maybe there'd be a bizarre Internet search here or there, but everyone would be like, that tracks like, yeah. You know what I mean? I don't think anyone would be in total shock. But I knew someone I worked with when I lived in Ohio, who. He was older than he. He was more. My parents age, so generation older than me, and I was in my 20s at this time. I'm 40 now. And his dad died of AIDS and HIV and was straight and married to his mom. His mom took care of him until the end. And they didn't really talk about, like, how he got it, but after he died, his mom was going. After his dad died, his mom was going through some boxes and things and found printed Glamour shots of his dad dressed up as a woman, totally done makeup, wig, dress off the shoulder, shaved, the whole thing.

[Donald Stamper]

And that would be crazy. That would be. Those are the things where it's more like, God, like, that's like, what.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Who were they?

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah, you. Then it's like, I didn't know my dad or I didn't know my husband or. I do feel like, though, gosh, if. If your husband's dying of hiv, aids, and you don't ask.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Well, you know, a lot of women

[Donald Stamper]

ask, and they just give you a reason and you brush it over.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I just think it was such a different time. So we're talking about if he was. If he was, you know, in his late 40s at the time.

[Donald Stamper]

Yes.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And his dad would have been, you know, probably 20 years older than him. And at that time, like, couples were different. Women didn't ask the same kind of questions of their husbands. And I, I, I asked him because there's more to the story.

[Donald Stamper]

Oh, God.

[Autumn Calabrese]

They also were, they found that in the attic. And then they were going through the basement and there was like a cold storage room or something like that that they were just going through. It had, hadn't been gone through in years. And they found this wire and they're like, what does this go to? And they followed it and they found it hooked up to an answering machine that was plugged in. And so it was a phone line and they pressed play to hear, like, the, the what it was.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And it was his dad's voice, but in higher pitch. And I don't want to use the real name, but say like, if, if his dad's name was Tony, it was like, hi, you've reached Tanya. I can't, sorry, I can't take your call right now, but leave a message and I'll call you back. So then it's like, oh, you got secrets. And it's so sad to me on so many levels too.

[Donald Stamper]

It wasn't like when you were before, blah, blah, blah. It was like an ongoing thing.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

While you were married with the kids.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Well, and that. And as much like. So I feel horrible for everyone who has to uncover those secrets and they never get to really have their questions answered. Even when there's things that point to certain answers or reasons, it still is like, but why this? Or what about this time? Or why not? And.

[Donald Stamper]

Right.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And then I also feel bad for his dad when he was alive because as someone who, like I said, it was in the closet for so long, you just feel that you, there's not a world where you get to exist in that way.

[Donald Stamper]

Right.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And so you create a little reality, you know?

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah. It's just crazy to me. Like I said, like, you stop. Like, I think I've told you this story. I'm, I'll kind of explain it. So when I moved my dad to LA from Nashville, he was living in Nashville at the time. My nanny quit on me with no notice because a big time celebrity poached her from me and she quit. And four days later was a Beachbody cruise that I had to be on. And I had no family here in LA at the time. Like, this was before Kaylee lived here. Bobby was like, there was nobody. And I called my dad and I was like, yeah, you're moving to la. I'm done with these nannies. I'm done trying to Find somebody to watch Dom all the time. Like, Kent was traveling for work too. He wasn't around. Like, I was screwed. And my dad was like, okay. And I was like, so I'm hired. Like, I just told him, I was like, this is what's happening. Like, I need you.

[Autumn Calabrese]

This is the day you're moving.

[Donald Stamper]

This is. Yeah, movers will be there. And he was like, okay, so fine, move him here. And I don't know, Kaylee must have moved here like a year or so later. Anyways, we were. I moved him from one apartment to another apartment like a year later. And me, Kayleigh and Bobby then are there and he's not there. Like we're doing something for him. I don't remember. Anyways, he's got like a big ottoman dresser and I go in it to like put something in there or something. And there's a DVD and it's like sticking out from under a shirt. And I was like, you know, like, it's a weird thing. Why is there a DVD under a shirt?

[Autumn Calabrese]

Uh huh.

[Donald Stamper]

And so I just kind of lifted it up and I was like, oh.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Oh my God.

[Donald Stamper]

I don't want to say exactly what it was because he would kill me if he found out it wasn't porn, per se.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Oh, God.

[Donald Stamper]

But it was a how to. Oh, if you will.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Wow.

[Donald Stamper]

And I was like, bobby, Kaylee, get in here. And they're like, what? I was like, I'll be damned if my eyes are going to be the only one that sees this.

[Autumn Calabrese]

That's right.

[Donald Stamper]

And they're like, oh,

[Autumn Calabrese]

yeah. Those kinds of things.

[Donald Stamper]

I was like, why did I lie? Like, why. Why do we have this?

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

60 something years old if you don't know how to do that by now.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. What is your. Well, your dad was a real lady killer for a minute, but he used to. He didn't. He used to go sit at the Maggiano's or something every night. And he had like a little girlfriend there or something.

[Donald Stamper]

I'm sure there are stories for days that Bobby tells me still. And I'm like, oh, God, stop my ears.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Like, yes. And it's pretty encouraging. Makes you feel like, well, you can keep your freak on as long as you want to.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah. Just don't tell your kids about it. Like, these are the things.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

But it is. There's like all these crazy things that come up that again, by the way, you don't even have to pass away if somebody goes searching somewhere in the house at some point.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

When we were little kids, we Used to search the house all the time. In fact, we went looking for that. We were like, what are we gonna find? Like, I think for the most part, my grandparents were very good at keeping things hidden from us because we never really found anything other than, like, old photo albums that were, like, fun to look at. Look at their crazy hair and look at the crazy outfits and what's. Look at this funny dress that's up here in the attic. But, like, we never found anything crazy. But as kids, we would go up in the attic for hours and dig through boxes and they. Obviously, they didn't have anything to hide.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

But I just think to myself, like, what if. What if your significant other suspects something and they go digging, you better have your shit hidden. Well, obviously he did.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

But you also either. I would say one of two things. I know this is unrealistic, but, like, if you're going to have that where, like, God forbid you pass away and your family finds something. First of all, if he knew he was going to pass away from hiv, aids, clean your mess up.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

So your family doesn't have to find that. Like, why are you. Or maybe you left it because you wanted them to find it.

[Autumn Calabrese]

You leave a note, but.

[Donald Stamper]

Leave a note. Yeah, Leave something that does explain it. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I could never bring myself to tell you.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Blah, blah, blah.

[Donald Stamper]

Like, just so somebody gets answers. Because I feel like that's.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

If it's a. If it's a situation like that. If it's a situation where you're just keeping love letters and. And photos and things like that, I don't really think there's any explanation.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

That you can leave, but.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right.

[Donald Stamper]

You are playing with fire a little bit.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. I think if you got your little. I just think people. I still have this feeling. That's why I love that we talk about sex and those kinds of things on this show, because I think so many people don't talk about it. And that's why you end up saying on. You know, when you're about to pass. By the way, I have a butt plug and a big dildo in the garage.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah. Like, maybe in the garage, of all places. I just want to know if that's where it was being used. At Great Wolf Lodge, there's adventure for the whole family. You and your pack can splash away in the indoor water park where it's always 84 degrees. There's a massive wave pool, a lazy river, and tons of water slides for your pack to enjoy together. And the fun doesn't stop there. Get ready to explore and play at adventure packed attractions from Magiquest, a live action game that takes place throughout the lodge to the Northern Lights arcade. There's also a bunch of great dining options and complimentary daily events like nightly dance parties all under one roof. And the best part, with 22 lodges across the country, you're always only a short drive away from adventure. So bring your pack together at a lodge near you. Book your stay [e-mail] and strengthen the pack. Bet you just go in the garage and put that thing up there and then take care of your garage.

[Autumn Calabrese]

You know, it's where the guys do what guys do. It's the man cave. Not the man. Oh, God, not the man cave. So you treat. It's where you explore your man cave. In your man cave.

[Donald Stamper]

So.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Sorry,

[Donald Stamper]

that's exactly what I was.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But no,

[Donald Stamper]

not the main game. Okay. God, we're children.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But it is. I have. I am trying to think of the. I had a. When I was young, before I really knew I was gay. But I should have known. I forget where I acquired all of these bodybuilding magazines.

[Donald Stamper]

Okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And I love to look at the guys in there po. Just posing. And they're little, teeny tiny under. Yeah. And my mom found it. And you would think that. Okay, I don't have to come out now. You found a bunch of body building.

[Donald Stamper]

I would assume you're just looking at it.

[Autumn Calabrese]

That's what she did.

[Donald Stamper]

Boys are inspired to, like, lift weights. Although that, I guess it depends on

[Autumn Calabrese]

if the pages are stuck together or not that.

[Donald Stamper]

But no, I was like, it depends on what your other behavior was as a kid.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Like, were you doing boy activities that would lead me to believe that you were interested in bodybuilding or were you baking?

[Autumn Calabrese]

I was. I was.

[Donald Stamper]

Not that there's anything wrong with boys baking.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I'm just saying.

[Donald Stamper]

You know what I mean? Like, are you.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Are you doing more feminine? What's seen as.

[Donald Stamper]

Yes.

[Autumn Calabrese]

So I always wanted to do more feminine things. But I also.

[Donald Stamper]

Because you did want a purse.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Exactly. And I was like. I was. I was ahead of my time. Because I was like, it's convenient. You put things in it. I have to have my pockets all full. But girls get to walk around here with a little satchel for their stuff that matches. Why can't I have a purse? It was a whole thing. Yeah. That I talked to my church leader about and stuff.

[Donald Stamper]

You know, backpack.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But yeah, they said, get a backpack. And they got me a little backpack But I also, at a young age would pretend like I wanted to do really boyish things.

[Donald Stamper]

Okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Because I didn't want to be weird.

[Donald Stamper]

Yes.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Indifferent. And a boy that was only like a girl. Even though I really did love, I wanted to play dress up and stuff like that. That I had fun doing that.

[Donald Stamper]

When you say you wanted to play dress up, did you want to dress up in like the girls clothes or you just wanted. But. And I'm just asking out of curiosity because I guess we've never really talked about that. Like, you don't want to dress up in girls clothes now or do you?

[Autumn Calabrese]

I know this is a really. No, I'm just curious. I don't. I. I think I got a tube

[Donald Stamper]

top you can borrow.

[Autumn Calabrese]

No.

[Donald Stamper]

For dinner tonight.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I think all the time. I actually think about that a lot because when I was little I really would thought that I would have rather had been a girl.

[Donald Stamper]

Interesting.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And I wanted. When I pretended I like, you know, played make believe, I pretended that I was a girl. And I, you know, now could say all kinds of reasons I think that was. But I don't really know. It's just a fact.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah. And then you just sort of grow out of that at a certain point.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I remember there was a. More. I don't remember how old I was, but I was a young, pretty young kid, like probably under 10 years old.

[Donald Stamper]

Okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And I had a dream that I woke up and I was a girl and I didn't love it. And I told my. And I was so happy. It honestly felt like a relief. And I told my mom the next day I was like, I had a dream that I, I was a girl and I'm really happy that I'm a boy. She's like, oh, that's good. You know, and she didn't really track it. But I also don't think, because I didn't talk about it, my mind always imagined that being a girl.

[Donald Stamper]

Interesting.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Like I. And I idolized women and I, I wanted to. Like when I, If I watched a superhero movie, I didn't want to be the superhero. I wanted to be like the girl that the superhero saved.

[Donald Stamper]

Interesting.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

But then there was just like sort of maybe after that dream there was just like a. You didn't really.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I don't know what it was. I don't. You know why I don't talk about this a lot? Because of all of the. How political the trans conversation has become. And I do just speaking me personally fully believe in and support my trans friends and the trans community and It's a very small population of people, and I. I want to be someone who, you know, speaks for them.

[Donald Stamper]

Of course.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But not that. No, no. But to that. That's the reason I don't talk about that, because I think the fact that I felt like this when I was a kid and then it changed. People could weaponize that story and be like, see, against someone who's trans and from a small child, they idolize that way, and that's just who they are.

[Donald Stamper]

Right.

[Autumn Calabrese]

So that's why I don't talk about it a lot. But I do also think it's really good to just be honest about. And I have. I, like, I have a lot. I talk about it personally with people. I just don't talk about it publicly before this, really. But I did when I wanted to play dress up, I wanted to put on dresses. And so I would, like. I remember I wanted. One year for Halloween, I wanted to be a witch, but that was embarrassing to ask for. And I knew the next closest thing I could be was a wizard. And so. Because the wizard had the long.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah, the thing.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And it was. I was Merlin. My mom made me, like, a long white beard. And that was really fun. I didn't feel like, oh, this costume sucks. I thought it was really cool.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But the point of it was because I wanted to wear a dress. Yeah. Not wild.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah. I just think it's interesting. It's not even that it's wild. It's just interesting to me, like.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

I feel like you've told me the. The Merlin story before, but I don't think I knew. You always, like, as a little kid, like, wanted to play dress up, be the girl kind of thing.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. I. I don't. I mean, I've never talked to a professional about it because I feel so good now. So it's sort of like, why would I be so. Oh, why did I think this as a kid? But as a kid, there were. There were moments I really was like, I wish I was a girl, because. And part of me thinks, too. I was so close to my mom, and my mom didn't work and my dad did.

[Donald Stamper]

I was gonna say, I wonder, like,

[Autumn Calabrese]

is that maybe it's what you grow up to? Yeah. And then, like, in a lot of, like, TV shows and stuff, women were more fun and.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Friendly. And guys were more like, you know, like, they worked and kind of grumpy. This is exactly what I was thinking of. Al Bundy.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I want to be like, oh, God, this is my future.

[Donald Stamper]

You know, if I got to choose.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Exactly. So it's interesting.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah, that makes sense. So I think in general, I mean, we got so far off the topic all of a sudden, but I think little kids, like, they're just trying to figure out the world.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. And they just. And I would now, like, I. Well, I wouldn't change anything, but, like, I. What I would. I think it's really good that no one told me for speaking solely for myself, that no one told me that having any of those feelings meant something about me. That I was just sort of like, I. Able to still live life. Like, I still played with my friends, hung out, everything turned out fine, and now I'm this fabulous gay guy that I'm who I'm really proud to be fabulous, honey.

[Donald Stamper]

With no box of secrets that I need to get rid of.

[Autumn Calabrese]

You know, like, if you maybe my phone should. I should give you the password. You could just do a hard reset. Yeah, a hard reset. Not because there's anything major in there, but you never know, there might be an Internet. So some of the dms, I should

[Donald Stamper]

just give you my password and exactly. Let you see some things. If I'm gone, you'd be like, girl,

[Autumn Calabrese]

oh, my goodness, she's why I thought I knew. But, honey, if you had to. If someone had to. Like, if you had to share your. Someone had full access to your DMs, okay. Or your Internet search history.

[Donald Stamper]

Okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Which do you pick?

[Donald Stamper]

What do I let them have access to?

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah, like one or the other. Which are you.

[Donald Stamper]

You can have access to my Internet search. I don't search anything weird. Yeah, my DMs aren't weird. Like, where there's anything like, oh, my God, it's that my sense of humor is not for everybody. The problem is I know certain things are just humor. And there are certain things I wouldn't say publicly because I wouldn't want to offend somebody. Like, I could say it to you, being a smart ass or something like that, knowing very well you know me, you know my heart and like, all that. But it could be taken. Speaking of, somebody keeps trying to hack my Instagram. I've gotten messages like three times now. Like, click here to reset your Internet or Instagram password. I'm like, quit trying.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And then I'm like, for that.

[Donald Stamper]

And then I'm like, no, I don't click it.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

I'm like, delete. I'm like, let me check these DMS real quick.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Exactly.

[Donald Stamper]

Make sure there's mostly you. And I just send back and forth. Funny. Like Reels now.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Exactly. Yeah. I'm screwed either way because I was just. My Internet search, like, for example, I've searched things like kids falling down and hurting themselves, but not because I want to see a kid get injured, but

[Donald Stamper]

because it's really funny, because you think it's funny.

[Autumn Calabrese]

So, you know, kids go down the slide and they're like, yeah, I don't know. Fall off the edges.

[Donald Stamper]

I am the person. Just so everybody knows right now, if you hurt yourself and it's not bad, like, if you stub your toe, I'm done for. I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. I don't. I don't know what to tell you. I'll ask you if you're okay, and I will genuinely care if you're okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

But I still won't be able to control my hysterical laugh. Laughter.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

When my dad. My dad's broken his binky toe, like, five times. Every time he calls us and tells us about it, I cannot help but because also I know his reaction and I know how bad he's cussing because of it. Then he's like, look at that thing. And it's huge and purple.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. Just, like, swollen.

[Donald Stamper]

I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know. This is. These are the ABCs of me. I'm a little twisted, but I will laugh if you get hurt. As long as it's not bad.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I wonder if this has something to do with our trauma response, because I laugh at very, like times. You shouldn't laugh. I was at a funeral one time.

[Donald Stamper]

That's uncomfortable. Laugh.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. Well, so it was a huge funeral.

[Donald Stamper]

Okay.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Like, a lot of people came and the circumstances surrounding the person who passed away was young, like my age, and we were in high school. But then they had a moment where they opened up. I can't believe I'm laughing still. They opened up the mic for anyone who wanted to come share something, to say something. Okay. And it got a little cringe to me because it started to feel like, is this people's, like, 15 minutes of fame now? Like, this is. There's like 800 people at this, right?

[Donald Stamper]

So everybody wants to say. And they probably don't even know the person.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And so my friend, which. So weird, full circle. She was actually the only girl that I dated, my girlfriend, who was so funny. Like, we really were so, like, tight with this. We started, like, every time someone came up, we'd narrate what they were going to say, like, come up with these ridiculous stories. We started Laughing and we couldn't stop. And so we tried to disguise it. Like, we were crying. Like. Like trying to make crying noises because we were laughing. Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Ridiculous. But I understand what you're saying because

[Autumn Calabrese]

yes, like, sometimes you laugh when it's.

[Donald Stamper]

And it's a very funny. But that's a very serious situation. You're young. It's probably one of the first times you've had to deal with a funeral. So, like, trying to just handle it in general. And then. Yes. When a bunch of people are stepping up and just saying that. You're like, you didn't even barely know the person. You're talking about people. The whole school shows up and you're like, you didn't know the person. This is ridiculous. Like, Right. Why are you here?

[Autumn Calabrese]

Like, people would get up and I hope. I hope I don't make myself sound like an right now, but people get up and be like, my cousin Stephanie met this person last summer at such and such and said he was always so great. And it's like, okay, this isn't a microphone.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Moment.

[Donald Stamper]

Yes.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Like, why are you saying standing up there? You know?

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But. Yeah, I la. I. It's funny when people hurt themselves.

[Donald Stamper]

As long as there's not, like, blood or broken bones.

[Autumn Calabrese]

You remember when you had that gash in your shin? I don't know if I would have laughed at that. That was bad. From your bed.

[Donald Stamper]

Oh, my God, yes. By the way, if I would have watched me do that, you would have laughed. Hilarious. Because it was so bad. So the bed frame, I used to have restoration hardware, but it had, like, very hardware. Very, very, very hardware. It was pointy edges, like, pointy wood edge. Like, so it was like a square frame, but. Right. The square came to a point. And the. It's not like the mattress. The mattress sat inside. So to get to the mattress, there was, like, a ledge around it. I had gotten up to. I don't know if it was the pee or turn the air up or something. And I was walking back to bed, and I just misjudged how far out the point was. And when I tell you I walked my shin full. Like, I buckled. Thank God the bed was there because I buckled onto it. Just screaming, screaming into my pillow. Dom was probably asleep down the hall. And I'm like, like, like, I almost blacked out. It was so bad. Like, and I'm just laying there, like, writhing in pain, like, okay. And it was black and blue forever, like, weeks. You couldn't touch it because I bruised the bone.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Oh, my God, I know. It looks so bad.

[Donald Stamper]

It was good. And by the way, but if I would have seen somebody do that in person, I would have asked if they were okay, but it would have been through laughter and tears,

[Autumn Calabrese]

one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I was not feeling very well, and my aunt. This is, like, years ago. I was living with my parents, actually, but I was in a. I was in my 20s, okay. And my aunt was all into essential oils. And so if I was sick or had a cold or whatever, she'd take clove and rub it on my chair, tell me to rub it on my chest, whatever. And so I was like, I'm gonna take a hot b.

[Donald Stamper]

No, no.

[Autumn Calabrese]

So I was like, some good essential oil therapy in here will be good. So drop, drop, drop, drop. I drop a bunch of these clove oil drops in the hot bath because I'm like, this is going to be so good for me. If it's good for my chest, it's going to be good for the bath. Get in the bath, sink in, smell the clove, and all of a sudden,

[Donald Stamper]

your balls are on fire.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Tip of my penis is dipped in acid. I was like, I. Autumn. I couldn't. I've never rolled out of a bathtub before. I rolled out, like, whole body plopped on the tile on the other side, screaming. My mom was like, what?

[Donald Stamper]

What?

[Autumn Calabrese]

I was like. I was blowing on it. I was like. I was like, I put clove in the bathtub and it burns. She was like, oh, yeah, you can't do that. I'm like, maybe put that on the label.

[Donald Stamper]

But you didn't think, like, oh, this warms my chest. It might warm my junk.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I didn't know it was gonna burn it off. That's what it felt like. I was like, this is. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't think it was gonna hurt me like that. I think the hot water made it worse. Possibly my pores were all opened or something, and that area. Well, another little tidbit of information just for you ladies who don't know, when they do a sex change surgery, they take the tip of your penis because of all the nerve endings, and that's what they use to make the clitoris. So that's how that. Imagine hot clove. I wanted to die. I was. And I. Same thing, literally. It went on for, like, 15 minutes. I had. I remember just having my head buried in the bed with a towel wrapped around me.

[Donald Stamper]

Like, is the pain never gonna stop?

[Autumn Calabrese]

Oh, my God. I've ruined it. I said I wanted to be a boy. Yeah, I had that dream. We're cool.

[Donald Stamper]

So Bobby, my brother, works. You know, he worked in restaurants for years. And first of all, they used to mess with each other all the time. Like, the chefs would play pranks on each other, but also, just sometimes they would be so busy, you know, you're not thinking, you're doing stuff. And so he was chopping jalapenos. Chop, chop, chop, whatever. You know, bare hands. A little while later, he's got to go pee, and he, like, goes. Runs to the bathroom, completely forgets that he had chopped jalapenos, and obviously grabs his junk.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

And then his dick was like, oh, my God. On fire. And I remember him telling me the story. Same thing. I was just.

[Autumn Calabrese]

It makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

[Donald Stamper]

Like, what do you do? And he's like, your dick's on fire.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Try to survive. Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

He's like, I had to go back to work. I'm like, oh, my God.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I feel like maybe baby powder would.

[Donald Stamper]

He's like, yeah, but he's at work.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah, I know.

[Donald Stamper]

He's like, flower. He should have just got literally, like, just down your pants. Cornstarch. Something, like. Because it was when we were filming the cooking show, and so. And I remember I was like, chopping jalapeno. And he was like, funny story about that. And he tells me, like, on camera. I'm like, you can't tell me these things on camera.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Exactly. Makeup's running, like, literally.

[Donald Stamper]

Speaking of, there was one episode we did, we were making, like, a pork tenderloin. I still have this photo, actually. So we make this pork tenderloin, shape it. Da, da, da. Cook it, pull it out of the oven, and he puts it on the cutting board, and I cannot make this up. We did not try to make this look like a dick and balls.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Oh, my God.

[Donald Stamper]

But when I tell you it looked like a giant dick and balls on the cutting board. 20 minutes. We couldn't finish filming the episode. I. Hysterical crying, laughing. And every time, we'd be like, okay, we're ready. We would take a deep breath, and Bobby would start talking, and I would just start dying laughing again. Then, like, at one point, because he's. It's Bobby, and he's very dry circ. And he's like, okay, we got this. And he's like, so what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna cut the tip of this off, lose it all over again. It's in the bloopers. Reel, you can actually find it on YouTube. We have a Bloopers reel from Fixate that is up. If you search Fixate Bloopers and you'll see it in there.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Oh, that is so funny.

[Donald Stamper]

So good. So that wasn't an injury thing. But anywho, we're all over the place anyways.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah, that. I digress.

[Donald Stamper]

Anyways, if you got secrets of any kind, just make sure you got somebody that knows to clean them up.

[Autumn Calabrese]

And also I would say if you have a kink that you would like to bring or, or bring to your partner, just like don't feel embarrassed about it. Talk to your partner about it. Like thinking about the woman who wrote

[Donald Stamper]

that, I think that's easier said than done. Done.

[Autumn Calabrese]

It is. But. But that's why I want to. I know it's not easy to do, but I.

[Donald Stamper]

What I mean by that is some people could really, depending on their upbringing, depending on their views on sex, that could break really bad on you. Like, if you know your partner well enough, you might know that they're just not going to be receptive to it. Like, you know, like there are some, there are some. I'm going to speak from what I know, which is women, which, that are like just dead set against their partner looking at porn.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Like they don't want to hear it. They better not find out you're doing it. They think it's like cheating to them. It's like cheating.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Like, why are you looking at that? That means I'm not good enough. That means there's, you know, and like some guys just, they're guys, they just want to see it.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Like, it doesn't, it doesn't mean that you're not enough or anything like that. But if you're the guy that knows that you're wife or partner, she's not okay with it. You're not going to be like, honey, I just like to watch girl on girl porn. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just a dude that's horny and I like to watch it. He's not going to bring that to her because it's never going to be well received.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

You know what I'm saying? So like all of a sudden if, if you searches history and you find that yeah. You're gonna feel a certain type of way. So you might just be like, I know she's gonna take it this way or I know he's gonna take it this way. So I'm not gonna. So yes, on one hand I, I want to Encourage it and be like, you should be able to be open, first of all, you should be able to be open with your partner and you should be able to fully express who you are and what your desires are. And if they're not into it, that's okay. They're allowed to say, I'm not into that, but hopefully not. Not hold it against you. Judge you for it.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

But that's just not the reality, unfortunately.

[Autumn Calabrese]

I think true for each person because it's like, it gets into a bigger conversation, which we've wasted too much time to have it today. But about, like, what secrets, if any, should you feel obligated? Like, is it okay to keep secrets from your partner? And where is the line?

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah, the question is, should you or should you have to? Right. Like, I feel like you should be able to tell them most things I'm trying to think of, like, what would there be a thing that I don't know?

[Autumn Calabrese]

I have a scenario that popped in my head.

[Donald Stamper]

Tell me, because I'm trying to think of one and I'm like, you should be able to say it.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Let's say you both work out of the house and the. You're the female, you are working, and someone you work with comes on to you pretty aggressively, and you've always thought you were friends, there is chemistry there. But to you it's totally platonic. And then they like, sort of make a move, make it uncomfortable, and they know you're married. So it's, it's kind of disrespecting your relationship and your partner. You don't do anything with that person. But is it wrong not to tell your partner that they did that? Because I feel like, no, why stir the pot? Why upset someone? Nothing happened. You handled it. But a lot of people in relationships might feel otherwise, right?

[Donald Stamper]

I. I would agree with you for the most part and say yes, as long as you are strictly platonic. You're not interested in that. You're not feeding into it to get the attention back and you know nothing is going to happen, then yes, like as. And you also have to know your partner. Is your partner a jealous person or is your partner like, yeah, he knows what, he knows how good you are, but your mind, like, and, and it's not going to be a problem, then you could say it, I guess, if you wanted to. But if you know it's going to start some.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

And, and there's no reason to start some, then I don't think you should have to. But if it kept happening, then maybe if it was like a one time thing and you were like, hey, we're cool, we're friends. But that's a no go, you know, I'm married. That's disrespectful.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Don't cross that line.

[Donald Stamper]

Let's not cross that line. As long as you handle it and put it in its place. But also, if you know your partner, like ever found out and they were gonna be super pissed about it. Again, it's about knowing your partner, whether it's a, you have to tell them or you keep it a quote unquote secret. Like, like I said, if you know it's gonna make them mad and there's. Or jealous and there's just nothing for them to worry about. You don't need to plant stuff, the seed of worry in their mind and have them uncomfortable with you going to work.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah, I feel the same.

[Donald Stamper]

But if it's something that they've expressed concern about or you know, like it's

[Autumn Calabrese]

sort of like the conversation of omission versus lying. Where is that line by not telling,

[Donald Stamper]

when does it become some omission situations in the last few months.

[Autumn Calabrese]

That's the right word. Right? Like you with. You don't share. Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Yes. That really irked me pretty bad because it was like a. Well, I shouldn't have to ask every question in the book. You know, this is something you should have told me.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

And you, you shouldn't have waited for me to ask the question. Because. Because I'm like, you lied. And the person was like, well, no, I just didn't talk about this tell you. And I'm like, in the circumstance that I was in, I was like, yeah, you didn't tell me for a reason because you knew it would change dynamics. You didn't want dynamics to change.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right.

[Donald Stamper]

You essentially kept the secret to have your cake and eat it too. To have your way what you wanted out of the situation instead of me getting to have the upfront choice.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Now that I've asked the question, you're being honest with me, but you should have brought it to me instead of waiting for me to ask.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right.

[Donald Stamper]

So that like, again, I guess it depends on the situation, but the omission part, that is not a hall pass.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. It's a fine line. And I think it depends on the circumstance.

[Donald Stamper]

What, like what the circumstance, what telling implicates. Like, does it change something? Does it. Are you taking a choice away from somebody by not giving them information?

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Like, are you making a decision for them because you didn't give them all the facts. That's a problem.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Like, that's not fair.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right. Yeah. And so then it, like, I just, I guess, well, thinking about that, with the story that that woman wrote us about, I guess it's not. That's not something that if, If. Let's just say that like nothing ever. There was no affair. It was just like, like his kink. Something that he tried, realized he liked it, didn't know how to bring it up. And so that's what happened. It's like, I guess I. I wonder how many. If we had, you know, 50 women in this room, how many of them would feel like they should have been told that or they didn't have to be if that, if that was all it was. It's interesting. And you know what? I would love to hear if you guys have any thoughts because we've kind of talked about a lot.

[Donald Stamper]

I know I would love to know, like, do you have a flag? Is there some secret thing? Is there a thing you've kept? Is there a thing that should be getting gotten rid of if. God forbid.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

The worst happens? Do you have that kind of plan? And what would your thought be if you were the one that found something. The thing.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah. Or found out about the thing. Like if you guys have any. We love being able to talk about, like we call them our phone to friends when you email or write us. And. And we get to unpack these because it's really interesting and it's real life stuff.

[Donald Stamper]

Yeah.

[Autumn Calabrese]

That people don't get to talk about a lot. And I just love talking about it.

[Donald Stamper]

Well, especially like that. Like that's, that's probably not something you're gonna go necessarily share with your friends. Obviously she's not going to share it with the kids. Maybe the kids are adults. But she's like, I'm never going to tell my kids. But that's got away on you. Like you might just need to hear somebody else bounce the thoughts around.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right.

[Donald Stamper]

Just so they're not just bouncing around in your head.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Right.

[Donald Stamper]

So like, I hope she's listening. I hope maybe we've covered some things that gives her. Like. Oh, yeah, I didn't think about it this way.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Or like positive possibilities. Yes. Like maybe it wasn't a big.

[Donald Stamper]

Well, especially like you said, she mentioned that he brought it up. So, like, he was aware. Like, I guess you got to take it at face value for what he said. I bought some things for us to try. You're going to find it. So. Okay. He gave a heads up.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

And you got to, you got to decide if, like, I mean, I would have to just go with that because it's like the person is gone. You can't ask any questions any further. So you have to go with what they gave you totally so that you can be at peace with it and not spiral wondering if it was something more than that.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Donald Stamper]

Well, you guys know what to do. You can email [e-mail] or.

[Autumn Calabrese]

That's right, you can hit us up on Instagram. It's everything's perfect. Official. Also, obviously, Autumn Calabrese and Donald Stamper, we are on the socials and we love to hear from you. Very, very social. We're very social.

[Donald Stamper]

No, we're not. No, not even at all.

[Autumn Calabrese]

But we love to be with you guys. So hit us up.

[Donald Stamper]

We will see you guys next week.

[Autumn Calabrese]

Bye.

[Donald Stamper]

Bye.