Everything’s Perfect…Except I Don’t Want to Live With Him

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Everything’s Perfect – “Everything’s Perfect…Except I Don’t Want to Live With Him”

Date: May 5, 2026
Hosts: Autumn Calabrese & Donald Stamper

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Episode Overview

In this episode of Everything’s Perfect, hosts Autumn and Donald dive into the complex terrain of relationships and personal boundaries—specifically, the cultural assumption that couples in committed relationships must live together. The duo debates the pros and cons of separate households, explores listener questions about moving in with a partner and maintaining independence, and gives candid, empathetic advice about intimacy, especially when life and health circumstances change. As always, the hosts embrace the messy middle, keeping the conversation open, warm, and relatable.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Living Together (or Not): Challenging Relationship Norms

• Trend Inspiration: The conversation starts with a social media trend where women in committed, even married, relationships purposely choose not to live with their partners ([02:31]).
  • “She's like, we don't live together. We don't even live in the same state. He's got his career, I have mine, I go visit him, I love it. Then I leave, I miss him, I come back.” —Autumn ([02:31])
• Hosts’ Perspectives:
  • Donald shares his experience—moving in quickly with his partner, Nell, after a long period of solo living—and the adjustments needed when two adults blend lifestyles later in life ([03:43], [13:19]).
  • Autumn relates to wanting her own routines and space, even while enjoying coupledom.
  • Both agree: maintaining space and independence is important for a healthy relationship, even if they personally prefer living together ([06:01], [10:07]).
  • “It's nice to miss someone. And if someone is always there in your face...it's like, I don't miss you. I want you to go.” —Donald ([06:20])

2. Companionship vs. Independence

• Both hosts reflect on the joys of everyday partnership—like cooking and sharing meals—but acknowledge that truly separate living arrangements are often financially practical only for the wealthy ([07:49]).
  • “That’s a rich man's game because you gotta have two...You’re paying two of all the things.” —Autumn ([07:49])
• Creative Compromises: They discuss older generations who found balance by maintaining separate bedrooms for practical reasons ([08:14]) and stress open communication about needs and preferences.

3. Listener Question: Moving in After Many Years Together

Timestamps: [16:18]–[23:19]

• Scenario: A listener, in a long-term post-divorce relationship, is being asked by her partner to move into his home after her child leaves for college. She has reservations about giving up her own space and identity.
• Hosts’ Guidance:
  • It’s valid to want time in her own space after years of parenting ([18:23]).
  • Recommend considering compromises: renting out her home instead of selling, or the couple moving into a new, shared space ([19:26], [20:41]).
  • Highlight the power dynamics when one partner moves into the other's established territory; suggest creating a new space together.
    • “If we're going to live together, then we should buy...a place together that it has not been yours and it has not been mine.” —Autumn ([20:46])
  • Stress the necessity of proactive, honest conversations about expectations, what each is willing to compromise, and whether either is willing to end the relationship if needs aren’t met ([21:48], [22:04]).
  • Reflect on why some couples want to keep the “magic” of dating by not cohabiting, especially after divorces; fear of slipping into old, complacent patterns ([23:33]).

4. Intimacy, Effort, and Preventing Relationship “Complacency”

• The hosts relate anecdotes and audience reels about putting sustained effort into romance—dressing up, planning dates, maintaining a spark—not just for a partner, but for oneself ([26:29], [27:49], [29:20]).
  • “We get dressed up to go to places because strangers are gonna see us, but we don't give a f*** about how we look [at home].”—Donald ([27:59])
• Small acts—cooking, getting dressed up at home, wearing “nice” underwear—matter for self-worth and partnership ([30:37]).

5. Listener Question: Is It “Bad” to Be OK With a Sexless Marriage?

Timestamps: [39:04]–[62:33]

• Scenario: A woman, post-health issues and early menopause, has lost desire for sex but values her marriage. She asks if she's a “bad wife” for being okay with a lack of intimacy, especially since her husband’s needs are different.
• Empathy and Non-Judgment:
  • The hosts reassure her that she is not a “bad wife” and that the most important factor is open communication and mutual honesty ([43:33], [55:34]).
  • They highlight that physical (and hormonal) changes can drastically affect libido, and that it’s normal for sexual needs to change with age and health ([44:45], [57:22]).
    • “If guys went through what girls went through with...hormone shifting, this would be free. They would have medication for you guys to get that libido back so quick.” —Autumn ([49:10])
• Possible Paths:
  • Consider opening the relationship to allow her husband to have sexual fulfillment, if both agree, but be mindful of the emotional complications ([47:19], [47:23]).
  • Real talk: Each partner is allowed to want their needs met, but neither should be pressured into what they don’t want; honesty is vital even if it means considering ending the relationship ([53:12], [55:34]).
  • Medical Considerations: Even if sex drive loss is tolerable, it can be a sign of general health changes and may be worth consulting a doctor ([57:22], [57:29]).
  • “You can care about somebody, you can love somebody...but you have to understand that if you hit those certain roadblocks and you don't see eye to eye...you have to be okay, again, releasing with love.” —Autumn ([53:17], [55:40])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Missing Each Other:
  “It's nice to miss someone...If someone is always there, I want you to go away.” —Donald ([06:20])

• On Cohabiting After Independence:
  “For most of my adult life, I've been the king of my castle...I have to...discuss with someone if someone wants to come visit from out of town.” —Donald ([13:45])

• On Different Living Arrangements:
  “That attitude is not a middle class attitude...That's a rich man's game.” —Autumn ([07:49])

• On Relationship Effort:
  “People get married and they stop dating each other...after a month or two, you don't care; it's just the couch.” —Autumn ([24:03])

• On Sex and Self-Worth:
  “You shouldn't be forced to have [sex]. But then that means you can't force him [to be celibate].” —Autumn ([47:18])

• On ‘Releasing with Love’:
  “There's no point in staying in it where it's gonna be miserable...You have to be okay, again, releasing with love. It sucks. It is not easy.” —Autumn ([55:40])

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 02:31 – Intro to the social media trend: couples purposely not living together
• 03:43 – Donald’s story: first time living with a partner after years of independence
• 07:49 – Class realities of “separate households” & rich vs. practical living
• 13:19 – Transitioning from “my house” to “our house”
• 16:18–23:19 – Listener email: fears and logistics of moving in with a long-term partner
• 26:29–29:20 – Relationship spark and small acts of effort to maintain connection
• 39:04–62:33 – Listener email: navigating a sexless but loving marriage, hormonal health
• 55:34 – Wrap-up: Everyone’s needs are valid; big relationships decisions require honesty

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Takeaways

• Challenging societal norms about “how relationships should look” is healthy—and personal routines and boundaries are valid at any age or stage.
• For couples facing the question of moving in together (especially post-divorce or after years apart), open, honest discussion matters more than blind compromise.
• Sustaining intimacy (emotional and physical) requires ongoing effort and mutual respect; losing the spark can be avoided with intentionality.
• Sex drives can and do change with health, age, and life stage. There’s no “bad wife” or “bad husband” if both parties openly communicate and work towards a solution—whether that means seeking help, finding compromises, or, if necessary, ending the relationship with compassion.

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Contact:
Listeners are encouraged to write in their own relationship questions or stories to be unpacked in future episodes.

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For ongoing real-talk, follow the Everything's Perfect podcast.

Transcript

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[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

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[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

It's even like, you know, if you. I don't know if you have any unsexy underwear or whatever, but it's like you can have a pair of underwear you wear, but then you can have a different pair of underwear you put on, and no one sees if you have your outfit, but it just makes you feel like a bad. You got.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

You got those panties on.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Exactly.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

There were no granny panties all of a sudden.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Parachute panties.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

No, there was never.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

If you fall off a building, if you can pull your pants up and catch some wind, you're underwear going to

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

save too much fabric.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Hi, how you doing?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Good. I'm tired.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

I love when you ask someone how when a one syllable word turns into three. Good.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

It's like, who are you trying to convince?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Myself, because I am doing good, but also I'm a little tired. We went out last night, and even though it wasn't late and it wasn't rowdy, you know, 45 just feels. It's a little like it's 45. So I was looking at Instagram the other day and, you know, like, it doesn't feed you anything of, like, the people you follow anymore. It's just random stuff. I don't even know why we follow people anymore. I know, it's kind of weird, but okay, so it was like a carousel. And, like, is Whoopi Goldberg. What. What show is she on?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

The View. The View, huh?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

So at first was Whoopi interviewing different women, but like, it was clips of all These different women. And basically they were talking about how like either they're in a marriage or like a committed relationship or want to be in a committed relationship. Monogamous, but not live with the, with the man. So like one of the women is married. She's married to, I think she said a senator or congressman. And she's like, we don't live together. We don't even live in the same state. He's in Philly. I don't know where she said she was. She's like, he's got his career, I have mine, I go visit him, I love it. Then I leave, I miss him, I come back. So they're married, but they don't even live in the same state. Obviously a lot of people do long distance. Like sometimes you have to do that. Obviously military people do this all the time. Not by choice. Right, but these women are doing it by choice. They are like, I want my space. I've been by myself for so long. And one woman was like, you can live next door.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

But come over, we'll do our thing. Be it. Have dinner, have sex.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, whatever the thing is. And then all the things. And then be about your way.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Be about your way. And I was like, God, it's fascinating.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like it is interesting. You know, I have been single most of my adult life. Like when I Nell, and Nell is now my longest relations. We just had our two year anniversary of officially being together, which means we're coming up on our two year anniversary of living together. Because that happened very quickly because he obviously moved from Puerto Rico for us to be together in LA at the time. And it's interesting because I realize a lot, like I am and I've never lived with a significant other before him. And it's, it is different. Like it's one thing, like when people start in their 20s, you don't even have a routine. Like I said, you don't even have a frontal low. You really think it's gonna be hard for you to figure out a routine? Yeah, but like when, when you're we, you have your life, you have the way you like things done, you have the way you like things set up. Maybe you're very tidy, maybe you're a little messy. And either way, that's how you like it.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

And it is interesting at a later point in life. And I'm not old, but I'm not young. Like a lot of people are already divorced and maybe onto their second marriage by my age.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Haven't hit the second marriage part, but.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right. So it's like, I do get it, the desire to have your own. Like, not have to deal with someone else's.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. It is interesting, though, because I was thinking about it, I was like, I wonder, like, because I do like my house, my space. I like getting in my bed and doing my bedtime routine. And like, when I was seeing somebody, sometimes I would change the bedtime routine. Like, I like to fall asleep with the TV on. He did not. Like, so I would turn the TV off. Like, okay. I'm like, yeah, you know, okay. And eventually I got into that routine of not having the TV on and stuff. But it's just like little things like that, I think for me, ultimately. No, like, if I'm in a relationship and it's a committed relationship. No, I want the person there. Like, I want to fall asleep with you. I want to wake up with you. Like, kind of want you around in the space, but I don't want you always around this place. Yeah, you better have your own things to do.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Or like if, like, I don't know how Nell feels. I. I miss him when he's gone, but it's nice to miss someone. And if someone is always there in your face, leaving the toilet seat up or not folding the laundry or always there doing that.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

It's like, I don't miss you. I want you to go. Go away.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Go do something that's a. Have friends and stuff. So you're like, yeah, I'm going to go do this, or whatever. Sometimes you go on a trip with the girls or the guys.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. Or like now last year, I think the last two years, and we'll see if it happens this year he went. The first year we were together, he went on a cruise with his family that was already planned that I wasn't a part of. But you're going and I'm going this year. But they do that like a European trip every other year. So then last year he just went to visit his family and I stayed. And so it, I. It honestly is nice for him to be gone for a few days, me to have quiet, me to just do my own thing and also feel his absence. But when it comes to living separately, I do think that's so strange because I like. One of my things that I love the most about living with my partner is dinner.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Cooking. Cooking for someone or somebody sharing a meal with someone. Because I. I've always enjoyed cooking and social media gave me a little bit of a. I'm not doing this alone because I'd share my Meals, maybe share recipes. But it's so nice to like have music playing.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

So yeah, I love that and it would be sad for me to not have like to literally have someone live separately and not have that so regular.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like I loved dinner time, TV time. Just the hangout at the end of the. But I guess what they're saying is no, I do all that and then go next door. But I would say that attitude is not a middle class attitude. Like that's exactly. That's a rich man's game because you gotta have two. You gotta have two of all. You're paying two of all the things. So I don't think it's like realistic. I think if anything have space in the house.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

That's what my grandparents did.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Go ahead.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Well my grandmother, she a little bit later, not when I was really young but as they got older she would oftentimes she had her own bedroom and what it was, she had a harder time sleeping and sometimes it would help her. She would wake up and read or watch TV or something like that. My grandfather didn't. And so they would spend a lot of time together and from what I have been told they actually had a very healthy sex life for a very late in game grandma. Yes. But that kind of makes sense.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like if she wants to, if she's up at like from 1 to 3am and has the TV on or something like that, then you obviously don't want to disturb your partner. And so I, I get it in that way too.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. As long as they're not getting like offended or something. Which would be silly.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. But some people are. Communication is key.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like that is our theme.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes. I'll say I tell Nell all the time like I'm, I'm doing this because like I'm just trying to be very clear like you can come with me and I'd love for you to come but you don't have to. But this is what I'm going to do.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Because some people might think, oh they're going to whatever, they don't want me around. It's like that's not the case.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Sometimes that's the case because sometimes you're like I need space.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, but.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

But not often.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

I mean is it weird for you to. Because you have been very independent even like I've known you in dating and relationships and stuff like that. But you've still had your space. What is it that like for you to think about sharing, sharing space fully with someone?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I mean I was excited about it because we were Sharing space. Like, you know, clothes were here to like, toothbrush. Like, like there, like there was several nights a week where like he would spend the night here. So I was excited for like the next, like, yes, like, let's fully do this because we both have our own lives. Like, he has all his work and his stuff and I have all my work and yeah. Kids and friends and all that. So it wasn't ever going to be like, I didn't ever feel like it was going to be like, oh my God, like, why are you here again? It was still like all day. I miss you. Can't wait for your. You to get home or for us to go out to dinner or whatever. So I think when it's like somebody you really like spending time with.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Then you look forward to it, obviously. But I. There's something to be said for sure for having the ability to miss somebody.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And I think a lot of times, like, people sort of like couples get into a relationship and they start doing every single thing together and they never have time apart. And like you said, then there's never time to miss it. And eventually, like, all the little things just start to annoy you because it's like, God, you're like, I just don't have space. So I do think you have to have some space. Like, you have to know when it's like, ladies, you need to know when it is time to say, I'm going out to dinner with the girls and get dressed up and get the hell out of that house.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

That's right.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Or I'm going on a weekend trip with the girls. Whatever. Like, and same thing for the guys, but like, you know what I'm saying? Like, you got to give him a chance to miss you, to appreciate you, appreciate you being there. But I loved it. I love doing the dinner like I love at dinner together and TV time together or breakfast. Like, what are we gonna do today if it's a weekend?

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[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, I think the weirdest, the biggest shift for me is, has been going from like, this is my house to this is our house.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Is it different, though? Because when he moved here, he moved into your apartment, right. Then you guys moved into a new apartment together.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

So did that feel more like this is our house, not your. Your house, or did it still feel like it?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Well, it did, but I. I have to remind myself, but it's not just yours. Well, yeah, because that's what I mean by the adjustment. Like, for years, it is like my space has been my space and I've always been generous with it and always enjoyed people around. Yeah, right. Like I make you a space. Make yourself at home. But realizing, oh, this isn't just mine, or even, you know, having to ask someone, like, I don't know if ask is the right word, but discuss with someone. If someone wants to come visit from out of town, one of my friends want to come to clear it with Mel. That's new for me because. Because I. For most of my adult life, I've been the king of my castle. And what I say goes. And so it's not. So I don't. I don't hate it, but it's still something where I have to, like, I'll correct myself and say, oh, that's back at. Sometimes I'll say my house. And then I'll say, I mean, our house. My bad. It's your house too. You know what I mean?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, but cheers too, I guess.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

But I do love the companionship. Yeah, I need the closeness.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Okay, well, so that I agree. Same. So one day, maybe. I don't know. Or I'll just.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Fingers crossed.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Or I'm also die alone. So there's that too.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

I mean, we all die alone either way. Honestly, at the end of the day,

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I will say this right now, at this particular moment in time, I don't feel super lonely when I have the house to myself. Like, if Dom's at work, maybe it's because I have so much to do that I'm kind of like, oh, yes.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Especially when he spend the night at his dad's. And Bella's not here. The little dog who. I love the little dog, but she's definitely, like, way more high up, hyperactive, like. And buddy's just super chill.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

So, like, when Bella's gone, when Dom's gone at work and it's just me, and I'm like, okay, I've got stuff I gotta get done. Like, that just is like, lock in, let's do it. However, there have definitely been a lot of times in, like, the last year that it is super lonely. Like, when nobody's around, and I'm like, okay, I don't want to work right now. I wish that there was somebody to just hang with. Whether it's like, babe, you want to get in the hot tub, you want to get in the pool, you want to go see a movie? But I am good with my own company. Like, I know that.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, that's good.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I'll be good there. We've got some interesting phone friends, though, that have come in that have kind of sort of tied into this topic a little bit. The question is, I gotta find it. Oh, no, we just got another one. Okay. Was it? Okay? So I'm going to keep her anonymous. She says, my boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. We're very independent people who have both been through a divorce. We maintain separate households, and his children are grown and mine will be off to college next year. It's become clear to me in the last year or so that he would like us to move in together once my kid goes to college. But what he means by that is me moving into his home with his things and me giving up my home and my things. I'm not sure I want to do this, and I have some so many questions about how it would work. He's a wonderful man and is. And is so good to me, and I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I'm not sure I'm ready to take this step, and I'm not sure I want to. I don't want him to feel rejected in any way, and I don't want him to be lonely. He is 15 years older than me, so he's also in a different phase of life, and that factors into this as well. I want his life to be wonderful, but I'm not sure how much I'm willing to sacrifice to make that happen. I would love to hear your thoughts on this and any advice you have. Love and appreciate you all so much. And this is my favorite podcast. Thank you.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Oh, well, thanks for saying we're your favorite podcast.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I love that. But so this kind of ties into exactly what we're talking about.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

My thing is, and it's so funny too, side note that that came in because we talked about this subject. I know before that phone a friend. And we were like, oh, I guess we should bring it to the show

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

that just came in this morning. It was like 7:30 this morning. I was like, wait, that's so weird.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. So here there's a couple things. One is if, you know, she could be excited. I think her youngest, she said, is getting ready to go to college. Or maybe she only has one kid.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

She said, my kid is going to college. I don't know if there's one or if there's multiple in one. This is the last one.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

So she might be looking forward to having her space all to herself for a period of time. And that's okay. And I think that that's because, you know, the fear is him thinking, oh, she doesn't want to live with me or move forward in that way. But actually it's not that she doesn't want to do that. It's that she has a desire to maybe to experience her space to herself. And if that's the case, then I think that's all right. And say, let's just pause. He, you know, they're going to college and let me just like have my little solo living space for a moment. Because if you raise a kid to college, you've at least not had your own space for, you know, 18ish years.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

So I kind of think having that conversation is okay. And also I don't think she should if she decides to move in with him. I don't know what let go of her house means, but I would like, I don't know, maybe make it a rental or something. Like, if you really love your house, you don't have to fully let it go.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Do something temporary. Temporary where you can try it.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I have so many thoughts.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Okay.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Because I am like her. She said he's 15 years older than her. I like older men too. My ex husband was 12 years older than me. My last boyfriend was 17 years older than me. Like, I don't know, maybe I have Daddy issues. Who knows? But I like them older, okay? So I think there's a lot to take. And she said a lot without saying a lot. She was like, I want him to be happy. I'm just not sure how much I'm willing to sacrifice for his happiness. I'm like, okay, that sentence to me says a lot. I'm not saying you have to sacrifice everything, but. And they've been together for seven years. Like, this is a long time. You're at a point where it's like, what. What direction do you want? Like, I don't know. Because she didn't say, like, eventually, I'd like to move into with him. But if he is saying, like, yes, I want you to give up your house and your things and move into my house and be with my things again, if she's not into that, like, some people would be okay with that. I do think you can ask for compromises because that's what being in a relationship is, which is like, look, if we're going to live together, then we should buy. We should get a place together that it has not been yours and it has not been mine. And we're going to do this together

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

because then you're both making a sacrifice by leaving the space and you're creating

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

a new space where it doesn't feel like you're coming into somebody else's. And it's not really ever going to be yours. It's his. And you could definitely feel that when they're older than you as it is. Like, again, I don't know if that means both of you keep your houses and rent them and you buy a new place, or you both sell and buy a new place, whatever that looks like. That's a conversation I would think you would have. But it's an interesting question to say, I don't think I want to live with him because he is 15 years older than you. Right. So, like. And if her kid's going to college, I'm kind of putting her around my age, probably in her mid-40s. So he's 60s, right. Like, this is somebody who probably does want you there, wants to have all that stuff we were just talking about. I want to have you there for dinner. I want to wake up next to you, want to cuddle. So I. I don't know. I feel like, again, the communication needs to be there, the conversations need to happen. Because she said, I don't know what that looks like. Well, you have to ask what that looks like.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

What does this look like? What does that mean what are you willing to compromise? Meaning him? What is she willing to compromise or is she not? And if not, then also, are you willing to lose him?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Well, I think it's really good, right? I think it's really good to go in with a picture also of what you want instead of like, saying, well, how does this look? And putting the ball in. Hit in his court to paint that picture. Maybe going to the conversation saying, I'm willing to. I feel like if we're going to give this a try, maybe this is what we. It should be and say, like, what you are or not willing to do. Yeah, but I do agree with you about, like, get a place. Because it sounds like one of her things was that he, she. He. Him wanting her to move into his space, like that caused some kind of pause. That's why she brought it up. And it's fair. Like, because if she would go to him and say, you can move into mine, would he?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right, because then it would feel like you're moving into hers and she's. She's taking care of you. And you've both been through divorces, so who knows how the first divorce went for her. Maybe, maybe there was a controlling thing or a thing, something that made her feel like, no, I need to have my space and, and my. Like, I need to. I don't want to use this word, but I'll use this word. Like, I need to have my out. Like, I need to have my ability to. If this doesn't work out, to go here.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Well, I also think when people have past relationships, like, dating can be so fun. I actually knew a couple that was. Was. Was married and then separated, and then they got back together, but they started.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I know one of those.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

They started dating and they were so, like, that phase was so fun for them and, and they were dating at a time while, like, not living together, and they were just having, like, rekindling this excitement. And I feel like if you were divorced and you're having this great relationship, it's been great for seven years. It might be a little like PTSD to think moving back in. Like, it's going to go back to what wasn't working in your marriage.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes. Because by the way, so many people do that. They get married and everybody. And they both. Both people stop trying. It's all of a sudden like, oh, I got him, meaning I got her or I got him. And, you know, you stop getting dressed up, you stop asking her out on dates, you stop surprising her. She stops doing cute things for you. You stop being flirty, like, and you just kind of. It turns into, like. Yeah, they're just like, the couch. Right. Like, you buy a new couch and you see that new couch every day and you're excited about your new couch, but after a month or two, you don't care. It's not a new couch anymore. You don't even notice it. It's just the couch. Like, it's kind of like that. So. So not living together. Seven years. Dating. Fun. Missing the other person, getting excited when they're coming over, when they're spending the night. When you're spending the night, there's always that little, like, tug.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

You know, so she could be worried about that. But again, that's a conversation you have to have. And. And really, it's a discussion of, like, if we do this, we have to keep putting this effort in you. We have to keep dating. Show up with the flowers, ask me on a date, do the things. Because I do think, like, yeah, that's a lot of what stops happening is you. People get married and they stop dating each other.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And yeah, if you can get back to that, you know, people do go back together and start the dating process over. And then the question becomes, is everybody on their best behavior for however long when you're quote, unquote, dating? And then you get back to it and you fall back into old patterns. Like, it takes a. I assume it would take a lot of work to not fall back into referring to you. The couple that was, like, married, separated back together.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. Like, well, and I think sometimes it's good to have a reminder. And even, you know, I in no way can speak from personal experience because my longest relationship that I'm in is two years. But I am experiencing a lot of. I'm, like, learning a lot about myself in this because it's a new territory for me. And I just think intention goes so far. And for myself, I've been stopping because it's easy for someone to be in your space and you get annoyed by little things, and all of a sudden you stop. You start forgetting to look at the really amazing things of that person. And so, like, with. With Nell, I've been just pausing when I have little moments of, like, thinking he's cute and really taking that moment in.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like, oh, my God, this is so cute. This is what I thought was adorable about him from day one. Look at him and just. I think it's really important. My mom, when I was growing up, you know, she homeschooled us, so she Was, which is more. Is more than a full time job to homeschool three boys, be the teacher at, like, all the things. But she always. Before my dad got home from work, and I'm not saying that every woman needs to do this. I'm way too big of a feminist for that. But she would, like, put some makeup on and just sort of, you know, and like, shut the house a little bit. Yeah. And just things. I think that kind of effort does go a long way to. Especially depending on someone's love language. But it means a lot to me because I'm a mo. I'm an emotionally driven person. When I see someone put a little effort in.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

No matter how they do it, it speaks volumes to me.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I get that.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I'm the same way. My last boyfriend was also the same way. It was like, yes. If I put the. Putting the effort in him showing up, not expecting me to be dressed up nice and being dressed up nice, even if we didn't have plans to go anywhere. Even if it was like, I made dinner, but then I got dressed up as if we were gonna go out to dinner, he would be like, oh, my gosh, like, what? You're dressed up, right? You're not just in your sweats. And I'm like, no, I'm not. Yeah. Some nights you're gonna come over and I'm gonna be in my sweats.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And that's great. And some nights you're gonna come over and I'm gonna absolutely be dressed up and have made the dinner and we're gonna have great, you know, like.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Because you do have to put the effort in.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Well. And if you think about it logically, like, we get dressed up to go to places because strangers are gonna see us, but we don't give a fuck about how we look, care about, you

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

know, worst of the work.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

You're just like, I saw.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I look like I got beaten, battered, and run over.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. I saw this, like, Instagram reel the other day, and it was this, like, cute couple walking, a straight couple, a guy and a girl. And he, like, turned and looked at her, and she, like, had on a cute little dress, and he was like, I have a question. Will you be my girlfriend? And she was like, yes. And all of a sudden it was like, almost like when someone turns into a werewolf in the movies. Like, and her legs grew hair. And all of a sudden her. Her hair that was, like, done really cute, was like in a really messy bun and there was no makeup. And her. All of her, like, nail polish fell off and she was looked a mess like he was like. But it, it's funny but it, it does within reason. It should make you think like where can I put more effort into the people who I love and who I've chosen, who made a commitment to showing up for yes, because you can feel love for someone. But stop doing acts that show you're all in.

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[Great Wolf Lodge Announcer]

At Great Wolf Lodge, there's adventure for the whole family. You and your pack can splash away in the indoor water park where it's always 84 degrees. There's a massive wave pool, a lazy river and tons of water slides for your pack to enjoy together. And the fun doesn't stop there. Get ready to explore and play at Adventure packed attractions from Magiquest, a live action game that takes place throughout the lodge, to the Northern Lights Arcade. There's also a bunch of great dining options and complimentary daily events like nightly dance parties all under one roof. And the best part, with 22 lodges across the country, you're always only a short drive away from adventure. So bring your pack together at a lodge near you. Book your stay [e-mail] and strengthen the pack.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

There is no time ever when my situation is not completely situated. Yeah, my legs are shaved. Things are always by the way, that's also for me, like I feel better same and fine if you don't if that's not your thing. But like I have have had several girlfriends over the years when they, you know, like they'll be deep in their marriage and then they're like sex on a random Tuesday. And I'm like why not? And they're like nothing's in order. And I'm like what do you mean nothing's in order? Like I haven't shaved my legs in a week. I'm like are you insane? What does that feel like for you?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like that would make me personally, this is just me speaking for me. That would make me just feel not as put together, not ready to go take on my day that's again, that's just me. I don't always have to have makeup on every day, but yeah, man, if these legs aren't shaved, if things aren't like, same.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

I mean, I'm a guy. I don't. And I don't like, shave my legs. Some guys do that. I don't.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

But I do keep myself groomed and just like, just for myself. The way I feel.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Is so much better when I, you know, put some effort in, trim myself. Like, even my facial hair, if it starts getting really scruffy. My. I love when I like, sort of

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

clean up and I think the everything shower. You're like, I did. I got in there and did everything. I exfoliated, I've shaved, I've washed the hair, the face, the mask, the da.

[SpinQuest Announcer]

Da.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And then you're like, you get out and you're like.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

It's even like, you know, if you. I don't know if you have any unsexy underwear or whatever, but it's like, like, if it's like you can have a pair of underwear you wear, but then you can have a different pair of underwear you put on and no one sees if you have your outfit. It just makes you feel like a bad. Because you got that exactly.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And it's like, I'm ready levels, but I don't have any. That don't make me. Even the ones I sleep in. There's this brand called Negative. They're like the best undies ever to sleep in. And they'll make. They make boxers, they make little briefs. They make really cute little things. I have all the levels, but I don't ever not feel like. I don't feel like ever. I'm like, okay, girls have their quote unquote period panties. Well, first of all, I have to deal with that these days that. Let's hope it doesn't come back. But I was never. This is just me again. This is no shade at anybody. But I was never. There were no granny panties all of a sudden.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Parachute panties.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

No, there was never. The thong was. Thonging was always.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

If you fall off a building, if you can pull your pants up and catch some wind,

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

there's too much fabric.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Mine could floss my teeth if I got food stuck in them. But other than that, yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, I think it's good. And it can be different ones that are more comfortable.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

But there was still not.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Well, and it's really. It really is about, like, how it makes you feel like maybe someone does have, like, their. You know, what you Might call granny panties. Is there sexy underwear? But the point is, putting that effort in to do your sex, whatever your sexy is, do that for your person. Because a lot of people just. It's like. It's as if once you got them, you don't feel like you need to keep doing that. And it's not even about keeping them. The fact is, there are a lot of people in relationships that will just stay in those relationships because they love the person, but they lack that, like, excitement.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Because you just stop putting effort in. It's the same concept. I heard someone talk who was going to some university or something in Malibu, and there was this amazing view of the ocean and mountains, and they were like, wow. When they went for orientation. Every day I get to look at. At this. And that's how you look at your partner when you first start dating them and seeing them and look in their eyes and that feeling they give you when you're around. And then she. The person who was talking about this view said, a year later, it's like, I forgot to look. It was always beautiful.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Oh, yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

I never looked.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

And it's like, we just forget to look.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like, we forget to take that effort

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

and intention to keep seeing the person the same way. And I want to say, by the way, I know I was speaking about women. Oh, we dre panties, all the things, but, like, guys gotta do it, too.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Totally.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I don't know how many guys listen to our podcast, but, like, y' all can't be showing up, not putting any effort in not romancing her. You know, you put it in to get her.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

You don't get to just not see her anymore.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Because when you not see her anymore, then she's like, well, you. And she stops trying, and then it's like she's mad that you're not trying. You're mad that she's not trying, and you're like, who's gonna. Who's gonna give in and try so that this doesn't fall apart?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I don't know how we ended up here. We went from, do you live together or not? Do you get married but not live together to, like, run full relationship.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Welcome to the show.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Welcome to the show.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

We don't. We can't control what we talk about. It just starts flying.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. But I do think it is such an interesting thing, like, be. It's shocking to me. I guess I don't know why it is shocking, but, like, most of our email phone friends are just relationship questions, and it's like, obviously people need an outlet. They have questions, they, they want advice, they want a friend to talk to. Like, maybe they don't have a lot of friends or the friends are too close to both of them and they don't want to ask like, what's the best thing. But I just think, you know, like, it is important to have these conversations

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

because so many people just swallow it down and don't.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And you're just like living unhappy when you could have conversations that could make it exponentially better.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

But we know on the other side of those conversations. So if we go back to the email, the phone, a friend, where it was like, I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice that. You also have to be willing to let him go. Or he might have to be willing to let you go if you're not, you know, like, you guys, like, if it's not gonna work if, if you are both, like, I'm not willing to do this, I'm not willing to do this. And you have to release them with love. You have to be like, I love you enough to let you go because I know I'm not gonna give you what you want. And that could really suck because it could be so good.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

In so many ways. And I think that's also happens. Like people are like, I'm afraid to be alone and so I'm not going to give you what you want. But I also don't want to release you because I don't want to be alone. Well, that's not fair.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, Yeah. I also, I, I think to the email a good, a good thing could be try it and say what if, you know, within reason, travel, whatever. But what if I spend this many nights? Like I want to spend time with you. I want to grow in our relationship. I don't know if I'm ready to fully move, but what if I just like, I want to commit to spending four nights a week with you or something like that, whatever it is, and, or the weekends or whatever. And maybe that would be a good compromise. So you're not just taking the full leap, but you are within the boundaries that are comfortable for you taking steps towards that direction. And then you can see, yeah, it's

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

got to be whatever feels good to you. I know I've said like once I'm in it and I'm in a long term relationship, like, no, I want to live together, I'm not.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I don't want to do the like couple nights at, like I come over. Yeah. Like I Want the person in my. Like, I want to be in the same space together. Like, I didn't. Like, I was very clear about that too. Like, I'm not gonna do the. We're never living together. If that's. That was my. That was one of my deal breakers. Is that why we broke up? But it was just like one of those things where I was like, it will be a deal breaker. Just so you know. Like.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

If we continue to move forward and we're not ever going to move in together. I don't need to be married, but I don't want to live separately.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

So I think. What. Do we have time? Because we have one more email.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

We have time. I was gonna say, speaking of, like, what your boundaries, I guess, or how you feel or what you're willing to do. I think we should do another phone. A friend.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Okay. So this one's still kind of. It's similar. I would say similar, but not the same. Okay. Again, asked to be kept anonymous. So here we go. She says, I'm gonna try and make this as to the point as I can, but you know, these things can get long, but let's try. Am I a bad wife for being okay with a sexless marriage? Let me give a little context. I'm 42, have been married for 10 years to my husband, but we've been together for 20 years. No kids by choice. I went through some health issues a few years ago, which of course then brought along some emotional issues as well. I'm on my way to healthy again, but I'm pretty sure my hormones basically went in the garbage during that time, which then I think pushed me into menopause. But needless to say, during that time, my sex drive completely disappeared. Not only physically, but also emotionally during that time. Relationship wise, those hard times, I do believe actually strengthen my husband's and I's relationship. He is one amazing man and stood by me and supported me through my highs and lows. One thing with us that we learned is so important is communication. So we're pretty open with each other and try not to let things fester and build up. But now I basically have zero interest in sex. I've never really been that huge into sex anyways. And by that I mean, yes, I enjoyed it, but it was never the most important factor to me and in my relationship. However, I will note I was not the most sexually experienced either. Falling in love with my husband was not the plan, and I hadn't had many sexual partners before him. But when it's the Right one it's the right one. Regardless, my husband and I did have a very healthy sexual relationship. I know there are other ways of being intimate and now for me personally I prefer the PG things. Cuddling, holding hands, random hugs. However, I also know that is not fair to my husband. I know men need their release and my husband's love language more than likely is physical touch and intimacy, but I just can't bring myself to it. Maybe tmi, but at this point, not only mentally am I not into it, but physically it's not pleasurable at this time either. In the past I tried to I tried to do other methods to be a part of his release. But one in my mind I'm just waiting for it to be over and for him to hurry up. And two during if things aren't really happening, he tells me it's not the same and he would prefer sex talk about a mood kill and making me feel inadequate. So basically all efforts have ceased and it's not really talked about anymore. I'll bring it up now and then and he says it's okay and he understands. But again, I feel bad for him and have flat out told him I hope he's at least taking care of himself. So the dilemma is I'm okay without sex. Again, I have zero urges for it and it never had been a huge thing for me. But I am I a bad wife for being okay with that? I know it would be fair to try to work through it and try to figure things out for him, but is it fair to me to make me do something that while doing it I'm not enjoying it? I know sex is always glorified and yes, I do believe intimacy can bring couples together, but is it wrong to be okay with our vanilla marriage? Other than the lack of sex, I would say we have a very good and healthy marriage. Two side notes, Hormonal testing and HRT isn't financially an option at this time. Also, this isn't a I'm not attracted to my husband issue. It's flat out I'm not interested in the sex.

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[Great Wolf Lodge Announcer]

At Great Wolf Lodge, there's adventure for the whole family. You and your pack can splash away in the indoor water park where it's always 84 degrees. There's a massive wave pool, a lazy river and tons of water slides for your pack to enjoy together. And the fun doesn't stop there. Get ready to explore and play at Adventure packed attractions from Magiquest, a live action game that takes place throughout the lodge to the Northern Lights Arcade. There's also a bunch of great dining options and complimentary daily events like nightly dance parties all under one roof. And the best part, with 22 lodges across the country, you're always only a short drive away from adventure. So bring your pack together at a lodge near you. Book your stay [e-mail] and strengthen the pack.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Wowzers.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Poor thing, both of them. Yeah, I. There's a lot of yes ands, you know, in my thoughts about it because yes, sex is important to relate in a relationship and it's important to be mindful of your husband's needs. And I don't think that women should just accept that they have to be miserable and sort of like hope that it gets over quickly and make themselves sort of like sex dolls when they're not enjoying it at all to their partner. And. And so there's like, that's a really shitty situation. And I. It sounds like she really loves her husband and doesn't want to not be with him. Like sometimes we get. We get emails and it's like, oh, this sounds like maybe you're over him or. Yeah, you know, it's not like that at all. But I think I would whatever is available, like if you. If they have. Because I know that some testing is not available and it can be expensive and insurance doesn't cover it. But I would talk to my doctor and say it's really important that it's

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

not important to her though she does. That's her whole point is she doesn't.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, but I think it's.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

She does. It sounds to me like she doesn't care about fixing the issue. She's quite okay with not being into it.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

And I wonder if she would be okay with an open marriage.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Well, okay. So that. So I was gonna say. No, I agree with you. Like nobody should be a guy or girl. I know it tends to be women more especially because our hormones just freaking work it. Like for how raging they can BE in our 20s, man, you hit late 30s and 40s. And you're like, what just happened? Like, where did they go? And it does suck because guys don't have that. And so we're, like, battling this, like, wanting to show up for the person you love and literally having them almost, like, work against you, where you're like, I don't want to be touched.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Because I went through a period of that. I'm on the other side of it, thankfully, but for me. So I get. I get what she's experiencing, and she shouldn't have to necessarily, like, put herself into the. Like, I guess I'll just lay here unless you have your way with me. Oh, my God, stop calling me people. But you also can't take it personal when he says, I would rather have sex. Like, because she said she tried to be a part of his release. I'm guessing that was probably oral or something. And oral and vaginal sex aren't the same thing.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

So, you know, I'm. I'm sure he probably loves that when it's one of the items on the menu, but if it's the only item on the menu, he might just be a little over that. And you can't take it personally. Like, I'm inadequate. He's. He's trying to communicate with you, so you have to hear it. Right. Because she's like, everything's okay. We just don't really talk about it. It sounds to me like he probably was trying to open the conversation up and encourage it to happen or to at least talk about it. But she's so okay with it not happening that maybe she shut it down. Maybe. I don't know. Again, I'm just going off the email.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Said she brings it up from time to time to him, too. And he's like, he understands.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right. And he's probably trying. If I had to dissect, he's probably trying to be as supportive as he can be. But then that does lead to an interesting question, which is, you're okay with not having it. That doesn't mean he has to be okay with not having it. You shouldn't be forced to have it. But then that means you can't force him.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Not Right.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

So are you okay if he gets it somewhere else?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Be it like, hey, let's have rules around this. Let's have protection around this. But that opens it up for. He could meet somebody else and fall in love with somebody else, because he could end up developing a different connection.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

So there's just a. There's a lot there. It's A hard. That's a hard situation.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. I just, you know, I feel for women who. Their hormones change and the, like, the first thing is when I say, like, because it. She. If she didn't care about pleasing her husband, she wouldn't have emailed us. So there's something about her that obviously she doesn't. She doesn't want it for herself. She doesn't care, but she is. It's. I think there's an element of her knowing, okay, my husband is missing out and he would like to have more sex or any sex. I don't know what their sex life last time they've had it. And so the. My first thing is if it physically hurts, like, is uncomfortable for her. I know that, like, hormones changing can cause that. That's where I would be. Like, because even if you're not really concerned about getting off yourself, you still might.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

I don't think that's what she's saying. She said mentally and physically, she does not want it. She's not into it. There's no desire there at all. And she's okay with it. She's asking, is it okay that I'm okay with never having sex again? That's what she's saying. Is it okay that I'm okay not having it? Even though he might not be okay?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

I think that that's a. That question. Yeah. I guess that question has to be asked to her husband.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like, and that's not really something he could answer.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

I don't know if he would be honest because I'm sure he. That they love each other.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right. And I'm sure he wants to be with her. Not like, I want to go get it somewhere else. So it is like, like we said, I feel for this couple because it's like, that's a hard. Let me just. Let me say this too. This is what's really messed up. If guys went through what girls went through with your all, like, hormone shifting, this would be free. They would have medication for you guys to get that. That libido back so quick. Like, the. All of it would be there. Guys would not be okay with that just being. This is just what it is. And the girl being raging and. And like, oh, I guess I have to lay here and I really have to figure out how to disconnect the watch from the phone. Like, I don't know how. So I'm sorry that it keeps singing this is My Life background track. Yeah. But. So it is frustrating that as women, we sort of get brushed off when it comes to this. Like, it does get expensive to get the testing. It does get expensive to get the hormone replacement therapy. You can't always have hormone replacement therapy because of certain medical issues though. Like there should be counseling that, that should be more readily available for couples so that they can continue. I can't change these things. Right? Like, so all we can do is have the conversation. My biggest, biggest thing would be to really try to have a real honest heart to heart conversation with your husband and say like, I'm not gonna take it. Like, I need you to be a hundred percent honest with me. I need to know how bad this is for you. I need to know how much it's affecting our relationship on your end. Because I know this is what I'm feeling and I know you keep saying it's okay, but you've also said like, I'd rather have sex. And like, I know it's not realistic necessarily to expect you to not really ever have sex again. So. But then again, sometimes guys, hormones do shift and they don't have the drive. And so I think you have to have a real conversation going into it knowing you cannot take it personal. You can't take it as, he doesn't love you. If he says he needs that. I'm going to need that at some point. I'm not going to just go the rest of the. You're. She's 42, so let's assume he's around the same age because she didn't say there was an age discrepancy. You can't assume he's going to go 40 more years without ever really having sex again. Now who knows? Maybe her sex drive would come back. But it's a conversation that has to happen and a solution has to be worked on together of how do you both get what your needs met.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, yeah, it's important. I. I had a. One of my boyfriends wanted to. Basically he wanted our roles to be permanent in terms of like who bottomed and who topped. And I was like, I just said. And it wasn't like a argument, but it ended up being something that really bothered him. But I was like, just so you know, like, I'm down for this, but I'm not down for this forever. But I'm not, I don't want to have a sex life like right now if, because any relationship I've ever been in, if I. How I've been, I don't and I still am. If I don't think it could be forever, then I'm kind of like, why Am I wasting my time, right, if I know that this isn't going to last?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

So I said, like, well, you know, if this is forever, just so you know, I'm going to want to experience the other side of this coin.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

And I'm not saying it has to be like a 50, 50 exchange, whatever, but I want you to know that that's important to me and that really bothered him, actually. And I don't know why it's so strange, but like, it's not even that big of a deal. But I think it's important for people just to be honest first with yourself about what you need and then hold space for what your partner needs. Because if you have needs, so do they.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

And you might as well put them both, but be both, be able to put them on the and see what you're working with.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And you can again, you can care about somebody, you can love somebody, you could be so madly in love with them. But you have to understand that if you hit those certain roadblocks and you don't see eye to eye and you can't figure out how to, of course it's going to be sad if you end up not being able to be together. But you're not inadequate. They're not inadequate. You're not wrong. And they're not wrong.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like, right.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Everybody has their own needs. Where things go off track is when people don't honestly and openly communicate those needs.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And then they expect the other person to either just be a mind reader or just accept what their needs are without taking into consideration the other, like, what are theirs? Like, there's two people.

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[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

N. Each person has to be allowed to want their needs met.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And if you can't do that for each other, then you have to be okay. Again. Releasing with love. It sucks. It is not easy. But there is no point in carrying around hate in your heart. There's no point in staying in it where it's going to be miserable or where you're going to end up getting your feelings hurt because he's going to tell you it's okay, but then it's not going to be okay. You know, like. Yeah, it's interesting.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

I have a question for you.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Okay.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Do you think, and because I just want to say before the question, I think the email was like, is it wrong or bad that I'm okay with my families?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Bad wife. I don't like that term.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, I was gonna say, like, when saying like wrong and bad and stuff like that is is not how I feel. But my question to you is if someone has zero sex drive, especially someone in their 40s.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Okay.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Is that something that you think is most likely? And again, I'm not like, we're not medical professionals. Not at all. In your opinion, is that something that you think? Because I feel like that's something that needs to be addressed. Even if you don't care if it gets fixed there, you should have like, we as human, as beings, shouldn't we have some sexual desire or if that naturally goes away at a certain age, is it like, do I think people

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

should address it with their doctor?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

You like, like do you think?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Or a medical professional?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Like, I also don't like the word normal, but I feel like having a desire, even if you don't have a desire to have a sex life, that's still something that should be investigated for your health.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes. I would say a healthy sex drive is a good indicator of health in general.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And if it disappears on you, something is probably off. Now, again, we know women go through perimenopause and go through menopause. We already know, like, that's not a Mystery.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

We know shift happens and guys go through hormonal shifts as well and things can cause testosterone to drop and stress and all that stuff. So I do think that if you looked at it as like a biomarker of overall health and it's. I'm not saying it has to rage like it was in your 20s.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

It changes. Like it changes for some reason. I think of a dog and like when dogs are younger, they hump everything. Pillows.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Other dogs, your leg. And when they get older, sometimes they just settle down and stop pumping everything.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

You hope.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

So. Like, I know there's a natural. Like that fizzles or my grandfather and I think maybe this is what happens with a lot of men. If they have to start. Start taking something because of their prostate, it can affect.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

It gets enlarged the blood flow. Right.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Exactly. Well, and it in like my grandfather, prostate cancer is so common and a way that they treat it sometimes is, I think cutting testosterone or giving you estrogen. I don't know exactly. But I know that this happened with my grandfather and his doctor said, this is going to save your life. You're going to have a great life. You're just. You're going to lose your sex drive. But he was much later in life and he was like, I want us to see my grandkids. I don't want. You know what I mean? Like the alternative. And, and I don't. So I know that there's things in that email too. She said that she went through a health.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. Situation and put her in Paramount.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Back to her healthy.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yes. So it could come back for her.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

It could come back. But so I would just say like, if. Even if it's not important to you because you don't feel that desire at all, but you do want your, you know, your. If your husband has that desire and he likely does, just do whatever research you can and know that it could come back. I think sometimes we just think something's gone. It's like if you have.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Have.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

It's. It's similar, I think, like if someone's feeling very. I don't want to say depressed, but like having a hard time. It's like you don't really care about life, but that doesn't mean you won't care about life again.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Right. You know, and I also think too, like, yes. Okay. In her email she says she's okay with it. She's like, I'm good with it. Like, I don't really care. I've never been that sexual. I do think in general, just like Everything people have different levels of, you know, like, some people just have like this crazy sex drive forever. And you're like, good Lord. Like, at what point is this exactly?

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Back to the dog.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, like, this dog didn't settle down.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

You're 80 in dog years. Why are you humping everything?

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

And then there's other people who just. You're like, it never really. It never really pops off for them and they're just like, never really like. And there could be so many different reasons why. It could just be like, those are your bio. Like, that's your biology. You just don't have a big one. This person does. It could be how they were raised. It could be past sexual experiences like, that weren't great and left it where it was. Like, I don't really want to. You know, like, there's just so many things. So that's why I was saying, if you can use it sort of like just as like a indicator tool of like, okay, what can I do to be just my healthiest in general? Like, I'm not even gonna, like, stress about this and him and. Yeah. But like, things are off. So let me exercise, let me manage my stress. Let me make sure I'm getting enough sleep. Let me make sure my protein is up and my fiber is up and maybe my carbs aren't crazy out of control and my sugar's not. You know, like, there's all these things just lifestyle wise that, yeah, that's been a huge shift for me. And like I said, mine came back and I mean, it's not quite what it was in my 20s, but it's definitely been back where I'm like, oh, hello little lady. Yeah. I'm like, okay, well, you need to calm down because girl. Yeah, we don't have any. We don't have an out list for this right now. But honestly, like, when I was going through it, I. I thought like, it was never going to come back. And that was a hard place now for me. That was a big deal. And it did matter to me that it wasn't there. But also it was just hard to get in the mood.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

But it was more like I was. I wanted to figure it out. Like, I wanted that mood to come back. So I was really willing to put the effort in to figure it out. Yeah. So I feel for them, I hope that they can have a real conversation or multiple real conversations to see, like how they can work on it. But no, you're not a bad wife. There's nothing wrong. Like, that's not The A term I would use.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, I mean, you obviously care. That's why you emailed and that's great.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

But I do think you have to ask him, check in what he is truly willing to accept and where his breaking point might be.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah. Yeah. So hope that helped in some way.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

That helped. Yeah, we'll see.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, let us know. And we'd love, as always, to unpack anything that if you're a listener and you haven't written us, that you might be going through, you might be experiencing. If it's relation stuff, we're not experts, but maybe one of these days after,

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

we're not experts at all, but we'll, we'll unpack it, we'll sit here and. Yeah, we'll basically just hash it out. It doesn't mean that any means we have any good, good advice, but we'll have a good conversation about it.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, we might, we might surprise you.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Yeah, sometimes we surprise ourselves. If you guys want to reach out to us. Everything's perfect. [e-mail] on social Instagram.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

Everything's Perfect. Official. And we love to see you there.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Keep it coming. We'll keep showing up in our thoughts.

[Host 2 (Female, relationship advice)]

See you next week.

[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Bye.

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[Host 1 (Female, relationship advice)]

Oh, no.

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