Everything’s Perfect…Except Silly Fears (From the Vault)

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: Everything's Perfect
Episode: Everything’s Perfect…Except Silly Fears (From the Vault)
Date: March 17, 2026
Hosts: Autumn Calabrese & Donald Stamper

Overview

This episode centers on the theme of irrational and silly fears—the kind that linger into adulthood despite our best efforts to outgrow them. Autumn and Donald trade funny, candid, and sometimes surprisingly serious stories about the wild ways fear shows up in their lives, from classic childhood monsters under the bed to very adult anxieties about choking, water slides, and even loose pythons in strangers’ houses. Interwoven with their banter is a heartfelt "phone-a-friend" advice segment where they offer support to a listener dealing with distressing health concerns. The overall tone is honest, relatable, and hilariously human, with both hosts celebrating the messy middle of life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Everyday Annoyances & Setting the Mood

• [00:33] Helen (Donald) recounts a tense run-in with pedestrians and his own stress due to moving, noting:

  “I'm a little bit on edge... trying to make all the pieces fall together when you're moving. I move tomorrow.”

• The conversation quickly veers into the emotional whiplash small confrontations create:

  “You just feel like people talk down to you... should you have said something else? It's like, so ridiculous, because who are these people?” ([03:31] Helen)

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2. Irrational Fears That Stick

• Fears That Won’t Quit, Even as Adults
  • The hosts make a list of personal “irrational fears” that seem impossible to shake:
    • Classic monsters-under-the-bed ([05:11]):

      “Like, the most obvious one is a monster under your bed. I know there’s no monster… but it freaks me out still.” (Helen)

    • Bedroom door superstitions ([06:12]):

      “If you sleep with your bedroom door open, you’re a psychopath... door has to be closed because if it’s even cracked a little bit, then yes, there are demons outside the door.” (Autumn)

    • Rear-view mirror nightmares ([11:01]):

      “The idea of looking in your rearview mirror... someone just popping up from the back seat.” (Helen)

    • Roller coasters and big theme park rides ([19:44]):

      “I was afraid of roller coasters too. I didn’t ride them until, like, eighth grade.” (Autumn)

    • Choking ([11:55]):

      “I have a very serious fear of choking. I choked bad twice as a kid, and to the point where I, like, stopped eating... I would chew my food up and spit it in a napkin.” (Autumn)

    • Snakes, spiders, and animals in the bathroom ([34:51]):

      “Out of nowhere, a fucking rat came up the toilet... I would have had a heart attack.” (Autumn)

    • Losing control on water slides ([27:49]):

      “There was this drop and then it spit you out. I hit my head so hard... I was probably concussed.” (Helen)

    • Height-based anxieties ([31:10], [38:40]):

      “You want me to ride a slide from the 30th floor that is outside a building?... anxiety right now.” (Autumn)

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3. Origins & Family Stories

• Parental Influence on Fears
  • Both share how parents seeded their fears, sometimes unintentionally:
    • Exposure to scary media:

      “I watched Jaws again. Young. Probably too young to watch Jaws. No water was safe. I didn’t want to sit on the toilet.” (Autumn, [38:40])

    • Mothers planting fear of roller coasters:

      “My mom planted that fear in me, bless her heart. She'd say, ‘they have died on them.’ And I’m like, what is my family trying to get me to do?” (Helen, [24:18])

    • Literal attempt to induce labor via roller coaster:

      “My mom decided she was done being pregnant with me and went and rolled that roller coaster to try to induce labor.” (Autumn, [25:03])

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4. The Strange Logic of Persistent Fear

• Fear Knows No Bounds

  • Even when logic prevails, the fear persists:

    “I know 100% that no one’s back there. But the fear still exists inside me. It’s like, what the fudge, bitch?” (Helen, [11:40])

  • Creative escalation:

    “In those scary moments, I believe in everything that's true. Ghouls, goblins... there's a vampire in here, I know there is.” (Helen, [05:58])

• Hyper-specific fears:

  • Being kidnapped and suffocated with tape ([16:54]):

    “An organized crime ring kidnaps me… ties my hands behind my back and... I suffocate to death.” (Helen, [16:54])

  • Getting stuck under ice; paranoia about what could emerge from bathroom fixtures; even a phobia about belly buttons.

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5. Physical & Bodily Anxieties

• The Choking Story ([11:55] – [15:23]):
  • Autumn goes deep on her phobia, which stems from serious childhood incidents and even returned after a medical scare. She shares practical steps—eating near others, keeping a choking device handy, and advocating for self-care.
  • Notable exchange:

    “I might not have a gag reflex, but I—apparently things can get lodged in my windpipe.” – Autumn ([15:38])
    “My grandmother… she almost choked on an apple on the skin and thought she was gonna die.” – Helen ([15:43])

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6. Height, Water, and Death-defying Scenarios

• Both hosts list details about their continued terrors of:
  • Roller coasters and drop rides ([19:20] onwards)
  • Water slides and losing control
  • Heights and glass walkways ([31:10])
  • The legacy of the Crocodile Hunter and odd, rare deaths ([40:51])

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7. Unexpected Fears & Phobia Fun Facts

• Toilets as portals for rats, snakes, and other nightmares ([34:51])
• Spiders: Perpetuating urban legends and statistics ([35:57])
• Belly button aversion and phobia of long words ([42:00] – [44:20])
• “The fear of long words… Hippopotamonstrass...” – Autumn ([44:31])

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8. Listener Dilemma & Compassionate Advice

[46:34 – 56:56]

• Segment: Phone-a-Friend

  • A listener writes in, anxious over lost sensation following a bout of constipation and soreness. She feels distressed, “like a mutant,” and shares how much this affects her self-esteem and relationship.

  • Key advice:

    • Be your own best advocate—don’t settle for a dismissive diagnosis, keep seeking medical investigation.
    • You are not “less than”—intimacy is about more than sex, and your worth as a woman is not tied only to motherhood or sexuality.
    • Take time for self-care, and recognize how emotional distress can worsen health anxieties.

  • Quotes:

    “Just because one doctor just summed it up and said, oh yeah, probably this or that, that's not an answer and you deserve answers.” – Autumn ([51:04])
    “That’s not just something you have to accept as you age… whatever tests need to be done, definitely know that it can be better than that. And you need to push for that.” – Helen ([53:53])
    “You’re not incapable of intimacy… there’s so many ways you can continue to connect with your husband.” – Autumn ([54:31])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On persistent irrationality:

  “Why are you so scared of something you know isn't happening?” – Autumn ([11:50])

• On reviewing for hidden attackers:

  “That fear still exists inside me. It's like, what the fudge, bitch?” – Helen ([11:40])

• On descent into ridiculousness:

  “If you sleep with your bedroom door open, you're a psychopath.” – Autumn ([06:12])

• On formative childhood trauma:

  “No water was safe. I was worried that shark was going to come up through that toilet and get me.” – Autumn ([38:40])

• On gastrointestinal and intimate health:

  “You are not less than at all… Our kids are always going to need us, but it's still not what makes us a woman… Tap into those things that make you feel like your most feminine, womanly self.” – Autumn ([54:30])

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Segment Timestamps

• 00:00–03:57: Urban rage, moving stress, conflicts with strangers
• 03:58–10:02: First irrational fears (locks, monsters, bedroom doors, hallway anxiety)
• 10:02–16:12: Fears linked to vehicles, being attacked in cars, and trunk kidnappings
• 16:12–18:29: Home security, kids’ precautions, bad guy contingency plans
• 18:29–27:49: Abject choking terror, childhood food phobias, family trauma
• 27:49–31:45: Water slides, concussions, amusement park stories, fear escalation
• 31:45–38:40: Heights, glass bridges, roller coasters, more wild stories
• 38:40–44:21: Waves of fears—water, wild animals, spiders, and phobias about belly buttons and long words
• 46:34–56:56: Listener advice on health scare and intimacy, self-advocacy, reclaiming self-worth
• 56:56–57:43: Show wrap-up, contact info

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Tone and Flow

The entire episode carries an unfiltered, conversational, and often cheeky tone. The hosts are quick with jokes and genuine with vulnerability. Both Autumn and Donald (Helen) weave between humor and sincerity, especially when discussing sensitive topics, modeling the messy (but relatable) experience of being human.

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For Listeners: Why This Episode Matters

Everything’s Perfect…Except Silly Fears is a reminder that anxiety and irrationality are part of the human experience, and that sharing those “silly” fears can be both hilarious and healing. The episode also emphasizes the importance of advocating for your physical and mental health, despite feeling embarrassed or dismissed. As always, Autumn and Donald prove: you don’t need to be fearless—or flawless—to show up fully for your own life.

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Ways to connect:

• Email: [e-mail]
• Instagram: @everythingsperfectofficial

“Because everything’s perfect… kind of.”

Transcript

[Autumn]

There was a theme park in Ohio before I was born. Well, it was while my mom was pregnant with me. They had a roller coaster called Too Many Deaths. I don't know, it was like some crazy roller coaster. And my mom decided she was done being pregnant with me and went and rolled that roller coaster to try to induce labor.

[Helen]

Oh, my God. Imagine you're just in there.

[Autumn]

We wonder why I have issues.

[Helen]

For real. That's wild. When I notice, I just realign on my mind.

[Autumn]

How are you?

[Helen]

I'm doing good. Tomorrow's day, I told you a little bit that I had some road rage issues and about ran over a mother and her baby and backed up and did it a second time.

[Autumn]

I would have encouraged it if I was in the car. She was. See you next Tuesday.

[Helen]

It's just so, like. So I'll tell you guys what happened real fast. It's really not that deep of a story, but a lot's going on. And so I'm a little bit on edge because. Trying to make all the pieces fall together when you're moving because you move tomorrow. I move tomorrow.

[Autumn]

The recording morning.

[Helen]

Yeah. Yeah, Right. And so when I was coming to film this episode, because once we're in our flow, I'll be coming back more often, but because of all the travels, we have kind of a gap and we're just managing everything. So I was like, all right, going. Coming to Autumns. And these people in my parking garage were, like, about to cross, but then they stopped. And so I was like, okay, they want me to go. So I started driving. And then, like, it was probably six people and three of them start walking. And so I was like, oh, I guess not. So I stopped. And there's still probably like 20ft, but it was like an acceleration than a stop on my part. But it's because I thought they were, like, stopping so I could go right. And the girl that was pushing the stroller looked at me with this crazy look, and I'm thinking, crazy far away.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

It's not like I almost hit you or anyone. Like, I could hit the gas and hit the brake again and not hit you, you know? And she put her hand out and was, like, holding it out, and I'm thinking, I already stopped.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

Like, what do you do? Are you. What, do you have superpowers? Are you casting a spell on me right now? And she. She said, slow the down. And I was so angry.

[Autumn]

I would have sped up at her just to piss her off, so.

[Helen]

But I was like, you know what? Maybe they're stressed. There's a lot of tension in the world right now. But I wasn't just gonna, like, let that be. So I rolled my window down, I said I wasn't gonna run up on y'. All. And they were. She was like, I have a baby. I was like, I see. I wasn't gonna hurt you or your baby. Like, I thought that you guys. And before I could finish saying I thought you guys were asking me to go while you waited. The other girl was like, keep it moving, sir. And I was like, oh, my God. I don't even. Insurance be damned. I'm gonna crash into their parked car. Hey, I'll keep it moving. All right.

[Autumn]

You're like, I'm about to leave town. You're about to have four slash tires.

[Helen]

Exactly. I was like, oh, my God. So anyway, and then the whole.

[Autumn]

Donald would never do that. Just in case anything happens to those people. It wasn't Donald.

[Helen]

I would never slash tires. But I get real mad. I'll bitch about it on a podcast.

[Autumn]

We sure will.

[Helen]

And I was, like, trying to listen to soothing music on the way. Cuz you know when something, like, upsets you and you just feel that angst.

[Autumn]

Yes. Because you want to, like, oh, my God.

[Helen]

And so explain it.

[Autumn]

Justify it. Prove your point.

[Helen]

Exactly. You just feel like people talk down to you and did you say the right thing? Should you have said something else? It's like, so ridiculous, because who are these people? I'm not even gonna be near them.

[Autumn]

I hope they need the elevator tomorrow and that you have it held up.

[Helen]

Yeah, I hope so too. So anyways, I was like, so other than that, I'm good. Just one moving box at a time.

[Autumn]

Or you don't move.

[Helen]

Yeah, or that. Or that part. So I was thinking about something the other day. It's actually like, I. I think because of all the moving and stuff, I have woken up in the middle of the night, and usually if that happens, I can fall right back asleep, but I've just felt awake.

[Autumn]

Okay.

[Helen]

And I don't feel like, at the surface, stressed or like I have anxiety, but I think it's just because of all the moving pieces right now. And all of the sudden I was like, the door is not locked. What if somebody's in the house? And I was like, freaking out. And logically, I knew, like, Donald, you always lock the door. Of course the door is locked. It's 3am why are you freaking out about the door being locked right now? But I had to get up and check, make sure the door was Locked. And I was like, okay, I knew it was, but at least I know even though now I'm more awake because I got up, walked into the kitchen, I mean the front room area. So I was thinking about like all the irration ridiculous fears that we have that like haunt your mind. And I thought it would be a fun conversation for us to have. I love this because I know we're not the only ones and it makes you feel like a child. Some of them with me.

[Autumn]

What fears are living rent free in your mind right now?

[Helen]

Exactly. But adults, like we don't shake them. I think they're there forever at least.

[Autumn]

Yeah, there's definitely certain ones that are like there.

[Helen]

Like the most obvious one is a monster under your bed. I know there's no monster under there. I must have seen like an. Are you afraid of the dark? When I was a kid of some hand coming up the side of the bed and reaching for a person. And it freaks me out still.

[Autumn]

And I don't know that it's an actual monster or a person under your bed.

[Helen]

Well, in my brain I know a person couldn't fit under my bed. But I'm like, what if it's a real skinny evil.

[Autumn]

What if it's an Ozempic?

[Helen]

Exactly.

[Autumn]

Just no shade. If you're on Ozempic. I'm just being funny.

[Helen]

But don't be hiding under people's beds. And, and but also in those scary moments, I believe in everything that's true. Ghouls, goblins. It's like there's a vampire in here. I know there is.

[Autumn]

So I have to sleep with my bedroom door closed. Like if you sleep with your bedroom door open, you're a psychopath. Because if somebody. It doesn't matter. Even when I only had a one story ranch style house, still have to like, I know my exit plan always. So I do sort of have irrational fears of somebody getting in the house. And like, how am I going to get out of my bed? But also that door has to be closed because if it's even cracked a little bit, then yes, there are demons outside the door. There are people outside the door. In fact, I was laying in bed last night and my door like it closes all the way but it doesn't quite click into place. Right now I don't know, I need to have it looked at. But like when the air conditioning kicks on. Yes. Because even though it's freezing, I still have to sleep with the air conditioning on. It sort of causes like the suction and so like the door will Move a little bit. Like, rattle. And I was laying there watching tv, and I had the dogs in the room with me. And Dom was at work. And I knew he wasn't on his way home from work because I have life360. It dings me when he's on his way. I'm telling you, I thought he was out in that hallway, like, three different times. There was somebody out. I was like, there is somebody in this hallway. And so I'm laying in bed, and automatically I'm like, I know there's scissors in my bathroom drawer. Would I be able to get to him fast enough? What's in my end table drawer? What could I hit him with? Like, I literally. I am going through it in my head of, like, I'm scrappy. I'll have to close. Fudgeing eyes out. I hope buddy does something.

[Helen]

Yeah, you better earn your keep.

[Autumn]

This bad guy in here, Bella, just. Can you at least jump at them, Bella? Like, kangaroo junk punches us all the time. And I was like, she better. She better come through.

[Helen]

I. When I was growing up, I had to have my door open because if it was closed, they were like. No, they were, like, making plans, and they were on the other side.

[Autumn]

Who was the they?

[Helen]

The bad guys.

[Autumn]

Okay, the goblins.

[Helen]

Obviously, the goblins. Okay, the bad guys. Demons, Devil himself. They were the way you had that door. And so I was like. I like to see. It's like I could see if someone was coming, but if the door was all the way open. Bitch. Somebody's hiding behind the door.

[Autumn]

Yes.

[Helen]

Oh. I'm like, oh, my God. I can't. They're gonna slam the door shut. I'll be trapped in here with a maniac who's behind the door. Also, I feel like maybe as we're talking, I have a little bit of an issue with fear because there wasn't a way not to be afraid. It was just. You're either afraid of this or that.

[Autumn]

Yeah, it's just. Which one are you afraid of? But not. You're not afraid. No, I was not afraid as long as the door was closed all the way. I went into Dom's bedroom the other day, and his window was wide open, but the screen wasn't in it. And I was like, where's your screen? And it was like. So right outside, there's, like, a second floor, like, little balcony off of his room. Kind of like you have to come outside his room to get to it. There's a door that leads out to it. And it was like, laying on the the balcony out there. And I was like, why? And he goes, if I need to get out, I didn't want to have to pop the screen out. I was like, get out for what? And he's like, in case there's a bad guy. And I was like, cool, so you're just gonna leave, Mom? And he's like, now, Mind you, we've had this conversation actually, like, years ago. Like, I've always said, like, if there's a fire or whatever, get out. Mom. Don't worry about me. Mom will get out. You get out and go get help, because you have the access to the. To the balcony. Balcony. Thank you. So I don't know, something must have tripped him out. And he thought there might have been a bad guy or something. And he's like, if I needed to get out, I didn't want to have to pop that screen. I needed it out already. And I was like, put your damn screen back in the.

[Helen]

Yeah. Also, if there's a bad guy, that screen might as well not exist.

[Autumn]

It is going through it out.

[Helen]

Exactly. You forget about that.

[Autumn]

He didn't want that split second, man. He needed to get out. Hilarious.

[Helen]

I have another fear. Okay, and this. I'm gonna tell you a story, though, that made me think of this. So, like, I have a friend who. Well, he's not a friend anymore, but when I lived in Nashville, there was a guy who was like, kind of an acquaintance, and he was out drinking, and he got. He was really drunk, and he, like, was walking home or something, and he passed a pickup truck. And he was like, I'm just gonna lay down in the back of this pickup truck for a minute. Cause I'm so. He was so drunk.

[Autumn]

Okay, Lay on the sidewalk, I'm saying.

[Helen]

So he gets in the pickup truck, passes out. He wakes up, and the pickup truck is going like 80 down the freeway, obviously. And he doesn't know who's pickup truck it is. And so all of a sudden. So I was like, oh, my God, what would I do in that moment? Because if I'm driving my pickup truck

[Autumn]

and you see somebody in the truck,

[Helen]

and someone pops up in my rearview mirror, their enemy number one. I'm starting to swerve and send them out.

[Autumn]

I am actively trying to throw you out of the pickup truck.

[Helen]

Yeah. Because my whole. Ever since I could drive, especially at nighttime, the idea of looking in your rearview mirror, oh, my gosh. There's always this vision of someone just popping up from the back seat.

[Autumn]

Like when you get gas and it's late and you're like, what if somebody got in there, huh? That's because we were up in the I know what you did last summer era.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And remember, it was like, one of the things. Like, the guy was in the back seat.

[Helen]

Yep.

[Autumn]

Yeah. No, that's. But we don't have to. You don't really have to go inside the gas station anymore to pay. You used to have to go in always to pay. And that was the time that if you didn't lock your door, somebody get in your back seat. But that one does still get me, too. I take a little peek back there before I get in the car.

[Helen]

But I know, like, I know 100% that no one's back there. But the fear still exists inside me. It's like, what the fudge, bitch?

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

Why are you so scared of something you know isn't happening?

[Autumn]

Yeah. You have some real irrational ones. I have one. This is. It's serious for me. It might seem irrational to some people, but I have a very serious fear of choking. But I choked bad twice as a kid, and to the point where I, like, stopped eating. Like, I would chew my food up, and this is when I was probably, like, nine. Eight or nine. No, I'm just kidding. Eight or nine. I was. I had choked bad twice, and I would chew my food up, and I would spit it in a napkin because I literally, like, didn't know how to swallow. Like, I was so scared that even though it's, like, a mechanism, your body should just. Like, it's a mechanic. It should just do on its own. I couldn't. But by the way, that lasted for, like, a week because my sister caught on and told my dad. Not that my dad caught on. My sister caught on, told my dad,

[Helen]

like, autumn's not eating because she's afraid.

[Autumn]

She didn't know why I wasn't. She just kept seeing me, I guess, spit it in the napkin. And so he asked me, and I told him, and he was like, you know, if you don't start eating, we're gonna have to hospitalize you, mind you. I was like. I was finding things that I could eat.

[Helen]

Like, you were starving today.

[Autumn]

I wasn't starving, but I definitely wasn't probably getting. But anyways, it was, like, seven days. He's like. But he was trying to scare me into eating. Lunatic. This guy, that night, asked me what my dad made us for dinner and what he sat there screaming at me to eat.

[Helen]

What?

[Autumn]

Beef stew. Beef stew. Meat is not even tender.

[Helen]

No, it's not.

[Autumn]

And it's like, of all the things you're gonna make, can I get a smoothie? Like, can I get soup? Can I get mashed potatoes? No. That bastard made me sit there and chew beef stew. And I would just chew and chew. And he was getting frustrated. And I understand it now more as a parent, where you would get, like, frustrated because you. You want your kid to be okay, but he would be like, swallow. And I would be, like, crying because I couldn't figure out. And finally, like, it kind of passed. And for years, I was okay. And then I would say, when was it? It was right when I moved into the Studio City house, when I went to the Maldives for my 35th birthday. When we were flying to the Maldives, I broke out in hives on my neck, and it freaked me out. I think it was an allergic reaction to a malaria medicine I had taken that they told me I needed to take to go, which I didn't. But I was covered in hives on my neck and my chest. And we were in the air. We were flying towards New York. So, like, they had to radio down to the doctors, like, all this crazy stuff to make sure I was okay. I didn't need an EpiPen or anything, but, you know, you're about to be in another country, but, like, not even another. Like, yes, you're in another country, but I'm, like, in the. About to be in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And somehow it triggered. It triggered that fear. And it took me almost two years. Like, it was so hard. I would eat, but, like, this was when Beachbody still had its offices, so I would try to time my meals to where I was going to be at work, so people would be around because it was just me and Dom. Dom was, like, six.

[Helen]

Oh. Yeah.

[Autumn]

So there was, like, nobody to help me if I choked. I would call Kaylee's when she still lived in Nashville. Like, she can't do. But I would just need to be. I would. Needed somebody to know if there was a problem.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And now I have one of those things that, like, it's a mask that you would, like, put on your face and you hit it, and it, like, creates this suction and would, like, suck the food out.

[Helen]

Wow.

[Autumn]

It's like a choking device. But, like, when Dom was a baby, I would cry when I had to feed him when I was by myself because I would be worried that he was going to choke. So I don't know how irrational that is. It's pretty irrational.

[Helen]

Well, especially someone with your swallowing skills.

[Autumn]

Okay.

[Helen]

I'm Sorry. I couldn't resist.

[Autumn]

I might not have a gag reflex, but I. Apparently, things can get lodged in my windpipe.

[Helen]

Yeah. No, I. That's so funny. My grandmother, when she was live, she was, like, my best friend, but she always peeled my apples. Like, if she was alive today, she'd probably peel an apple before she gave it to me because she almost choked on an apple on the skin and thought she was gonna die. Yeah.

[Autumn]

People have a fear, and sometimes this one will get me. Like, not. I wouldn't say right now or anything, but, like, peanut butter of, like, peanut butter. They're getting, like, stuck to the roof of their mouth or, like, as their swat, because that shit's thick.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

You're like.

[Helen]

Yeah. I mean, I did the saltine challenge one time where you're supposed to eat, like. I don't remember. Is it a whole sleeve? Jesus. Something like, in a certain period of time, like, a certain number, you have a death wish. I was like, this is. This is dangerous.

[Autumn]

No, for real.

[Helen]

What are people doing? This is, like, one step above eating bath salts or whatever people were doing. Like, Tide pods or whatever the kids were doing, and stupidity. Yeah. I'm like, oh, my God.

[Autumn]

Yeah, that's a. A crazy one. Okay. What? Well, go ahead. Would you have any others?

[Helen]

Do I have any others? One is inevitably when, for some reason, an organized crime ring kidnaps me and. And. And ties my hands behind my back and ties me to a chair and puts tape over my mouth, and my nose gets stuffed up because I'm scared and crying, and all of a sudden, I suffocate to death. That's a real thing. Like, oh, my God, please. I won't scream, but I have to be able to breathe. Please don't cover my mouth. How do more people not die that way?

[Autumn]

Dying right now. These are real fears you have.

[Helen]

Like, these are real things I think about. Yeah. I said we should do a podcast. Maybe I really just need a therapy session. Like, what is wrong?

[Autumn]

I want to be a therapist. I'm here for this. I mean, I feel like you're putting fears in my head, because I do worry about all the time. Like, I play out the scenarios. I'm like, how am I gonna fight somebody? How am I gonna get away? How am I gonna call somebody? All the things, huh? But that is not one I've thought of, which is crazy, because I am claustrophobic and, like, so. Yeah, again, not being able to breathe in any way that would. That would mess me up.

[Helen]

Yeah. Well, it's like, in the movies, they never suffocate that way. But I'm like, bitch, if you cover my mouth with that tape. And I'm scared and I'm crying. I'm dead.

[Autumn]

Wonder. No, right?

[Helen]

Like, I already can't breathe through my nostrils half the time as it is. For some reason, I'm Mr. Come on.

[Autumn]

You're all, yeah, exactly.

[Helen]

I'm going to. I'll choke on my own. Yeah.

[Autumn]

I do wonder sometimes when I watch movies and they have to do scenes like that, I'm like, not on your life. Or like, when they have to be in, like, a tight, confined space or something. I'm like, I would give up the paycheck.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Instantly. Fuck this job. You better use some cgi. Yeah, I'm not going in that tight spot. No, you're not. Tying my hands up and putting tape over my mouth to shoot this scene.

[Helen]

It's crazy.

[Autumn]

I'm like, that's insane to me.

[Helen]

I remember, like, I was. My friend and I got a callback to be on the Amazing Race, like, back in the day. I think I've talked about that before, but it really made me think of that a lot. Cause sometimes on those shows, they tie you out. Well, I just know on reality, to be perfectly honest, I never watched Amazing Race. My friend wanted to audition.

[Autumn]

Just like, we never read books that we talk about.

[Helen]

Exactly. Also, never listen to a podcast in my life.

[Autumn]

Let's do one.

[Helen]

Here we are. But I just knew, like, there's always different kind of challenges, like, you have to eat disgusting things. And so I was like, okay. It's the first time I rode roller coaster. I was really afraid of roller coasters. Okay. I didn't ride them until I was in my mid to late 20s.

[Autumn]

I was afraid of roller coasters, too. I didn't ride it until, like, eighth grade. That's really bothering you, isn't it?

[Helen]

Well, at least it's dry now. But, yeah, like, Jesus, Donald, I got

[Autumn]

a little stain squirter thing. We'll squirt before you leave.

[Helen]

Okay.

[Autumn]

And it'll take it right out. I didn't ride them until I was in, like, eighth grade and we went to jog a lake. I don't. Do you remember Jogger Lake in Ohio?

[Helen]

I know, but I didn't go to Cleveland, part of Ohio that much.

[Autumn]

Jogger Lake was so good. And there was this one huge roller coaster. It was like the really. Like, everybody rode that one. It was black, it was metal, and it had loops. Because I had ridden a roller coaster once when I Was like seven, and it was a wooden one with a monstrosity of a hill. And I came off that sucker crying, so I, like, was never gonna ride him again. Then we were doing, you know, when you do, like, the physics stuff, so we would. You go to an amusement park, and it's like the physics, and you have to figure out the speed, velocity, all the things. And then you get to ride all the rides, too.

[Helen]

Okay.

[Autumn]

Anyways. But everybody was riding, and I didn't want to be the loser that didn't ride. But when I tell you, I was scared out of my mind, but I wrote it. I loved it. Then I loved roller coasters for a very long time.

[Helen]

What happened to me?

[Autumn]

Not anymore. Those fears are right back. Well, the fear of that big hill. I literally. Wait, hold on. I have to tell you this. I will. Those big hills, those big drops, I literally think I'm gonna die on them. And when I say die, I really mean, like, stroke out, die. I have to scream like a lunatic going down them because it tickles so bad and it catches my breath so bad that I'm afraid if I don't actively scream bloody murder, then I'm gonna die.

[Helen]

We have to go to a theme park now and record this.

[Autumn]

I will not. You think I'm gonna get on one of those, like, I. You know, the big incredicoaster. And I. I don't even want to do that one anymore. And I used to love that one. But I will do ones like space mountain, thunder Mount. Like, I like the ones like, I like being whipped around and stuff in little hills. It's that big drop. I'm also that tick, tick, tick on torture. Who created that? Somebody. When they. They chose violence with that. That is literally. You have time to contemplate this thing falling to your death.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And by the way, that is also a fear. The whole time you're ticking up that giant hill, I'm like, this is gonna fall off or it's gonna get stuck. Huh? And they're gonna have to rescue us. And I'm gonna die because how am I getting. I'm not climbing out of this seat.

[Helen]

Huh?

[Autumn]

To climb.

[Helen]

I think about that a lot. It. And then what?

[Autumn]

You're going to hook me onto a helicopter thing? I'm already dead. I've already had a stroke and a heart attack at the same time.

[Helen]

We should do the slingshot that you will do.

[Autumn]

Your mind. You could offer me $1 billion with a B.

[Helen]

You wouldn't do it.

[Autumn]

I have fear for you. When you said you wanted to jump off that building in Vegas. I was like, I can't be present for this.

[Helen]

Oh, yeah.

[Autumn]

Like, literally, the thought of it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

[Helen]

Bungee jumping scares me because I'm. Someone ties that knot one wrong way, and it just keeps going, and you splat.

[Autumn]

Or it just has a tiny little tear that somebody didn't see.

[Helen]

Exactly. Like, the loops. Yeah. It's all good. Until one day, I don't want to be the one. Exactly. Yeah.

[Autumn]

And then you have to fall. You have to be in your head, falling to your death.

[Helen]

I. You know, it's so funny. Okay, so when I rode roller coasters for the first time, same thing for me, it was a panic going up the hill. Like, the. When the thing came down, I was like, it's too tight. I can't breathe, guys. I can't breathe. It's going up. The whole time I was freaking out, and then it started going. And I had so much fun. And I was like, okay, I want to ride every roller coaster now. But I wouldn't ride Drop Zone. It was at. The theme park is Kings Island.

[Autumn]

Yeah. I never went to Kings Island.

[Helen]

And that's the one we went to, like, almost every year. But most of the times, I never wrote anything until I was an adult. But as a kid, I was like, I'll hold your purses with my mom. Like, we are not riding these rides. But my mom planted that fear in me, bless her heart. But she'd be. We'd be driving there, and I'd be like, my dad loved roller coasters, so he would say, you know, you guys, it's a ride. It's okay. It's supposed to, like, be scary, but it's fun. And I'd be like, are the hills higher than that telephone pole? And my mom would be like, they're like five of those telephone poles. They're really scary. I do not like them. They're.

[Autumn]

She just didn't want you to ride it.

[Helen]

I'd be like, people. I'd be like, do people die on them? They'd be like. My mom would say, they have. They have died on them. And I'm like, what is my family trying to get me to do? I'm so confused.

[Autumn]

Why do you hate me?

[Helen]

Sounds like I'm being tricked. Why do you want to kill me?

[Autumn]

There was. There was a theme park in Ohio before I was born. Well, it was while my mom was pregnant with me. And I forget. It was not one that, like, was around. Once we were Kids. But anyways, it was. They had a roller coaster called Too Many Deaths.

[Helen]

I had to shut down legit.

[Autumn]

Something like Wild Rat Race or. I don't know. It was like some crazy roller coaster. And my mom decided she was done being pregnant with me and went and rolled that roller coaster to try to induce labor.

[Helen]

Oh, my God. Imagine you're just in there.

[Autumn]

We wonder why I have issues.

[Helen]

For real. That's wild.

[Autumn]

She wanted to abort me, but then when she didn't, she was like, I'm done being pregnant with this one.

[Helen]

God. Lunatic is wild.

[Autumn]

Well, so I wonder why my brain's up. It's because my mom rode roller coasters with me in the womb.

[Helen]

Yeah, I don't. Well, at least you got an excuse.

[Autumn]

One of many.

[Helen]

But year, like, two years after I rode roller coasters, I went back and I rode Drop Zone.

[Autumn]

Is that the one that just dropped straight down?

[Helen]

Straight up, really, really high. Like. Like, very tall.

[Autumn]

Like, literally would make me.

[Helen]

I loved it.

[Autumn]

You're psycho.

[Helen]

I loved it. Hey, when we went to Disney, you rode the, like, it used to be called Tower of Terror.

[Autumn]

Yeah, I can tolerate Tower of Terror, but every time I get on that, I think in my mind, why am I doing this? At one point, this elevator really is gonna snap and I'm gonna fall. Or on Tower of Terror, you know, you, like, you have to think the lap bar that pulls down, but other than that. Well, you do actually have a seatbelt, too, for a while. You didn't even have a seatbelt when it first came out. You just had a lap bar that gravity did not hold you in place. And so, like, when it was dropping, because it would switch directions so fast, my butt would be so far off the seat. In fact, one of the girls I went to college with, she was, like, four years older than me. We went to Disney World together. She loved Disney. I was like, we're riding Tower Terror. And she kept telling me she didn't want to ride it. I was like, you're fine. I really didn't think she was that afraid of it. And again, she was four years older than me, so I was, like, 19. So, you know, she's like 23. So we ride it. She is tucked so far under the lap bar. I'm not even kidding you. Her. Her boobs are under this lap bar. She was so far down in there. We got off the ride, she was, like, hysterically crying, and I was like, oh, my God.

[Helen]

You, like, are actually.

[Autumn]

I was like, I didn't know you were really like that afraid. I would have never made you go, that's messed up for the rest of the day.

[Helen]

Yeah, I love it. The only thing, I have a little bit of a fear of water slides, though.

[Autumn]

Oh, yeah, you're for sure. Flying off the side.

[Helen]

I went. So we used to have. It was across from Kings island water park called the beach. And I went with my neighbor. And again, I was afraid. Just like I was afraid of roller coasters, but I was less afraid at that time as a kid of water slides because I'm like a slide. I ride them in the parks. Who cares? Doesn't make any sense. Because water slides, you're just free flying.

[Autumn]

Literally.

[Helen]

It's pretty wild.

[Autumn]

You're losing your bathing suit.

[Helen]

And I went down this one. And when I tell you it was. It was a. Most of it was a tube that. That you sit on your butt, but it was a like enclosed slide. But at the very end it had this drop and then it spit you out. And I, after the drop, hit my head so hard on the back of the slide where I'm like. I tell you, it was like cameras flashed.

[Autumn]

Oh, my God.

[Helen]

And that's right before I go in the water.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

I didn't like it knocked out or anything, but it hur. Like my head hurt. And I was too embarrassed to say anything, but I was probably concussed. And I was like, what the fuck? How are you supposed to hold your head at the bottom of these slides? And it was really freaking me out. And so, like, then the next one,

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[Helen]

Maybe if I hold my. Hold my head down the whole time, then it won't.

[Autumn]

Ow.

[Helen]

Slam down. So I go down this one slide, just like ripping here, hitting the back of my head over and over again. I'm like, well, that's not.

[Autumn]

You're like, I need a pillow. I got pillow for the back of my head.

[Helen]

Yeah. And so then there was one called the cliff. And the thing about this slide is there's a moment in time. It's just like you go. And then it drops straight down. And then you go. It takes you out at the bottom.

[Autumn]

No, thank you.

[Helen]

There was a moment I was just free falling, bitch. I was like, you're not even attached. Yeah, I'm not even on the slide. I'm like, I can reach my hand behind me at this point. I'm just like. And so then I'm like, oh, I'm definitely gonna knock myself out of the bottom. And the fact that I have enough time on this slide to have these thoughts.

[Autumn]

If your butt is off the slide, you better hope you land. First of all, it's going to hurt on your tailbone to land back down on it. And you also have to hope that you don't shift in the air waving your arms and legs, that you don't land back on the slide.

[Helen]

So this slide, as it was falling down, it gradually started coming forward. So before you're, like, landed, you're touching it again. And so terrifying. I was like. When I started feeling it, I was like, okay, keep my head straight down. Chin to chest. Chin to chest. And when I came.

[Autumn]

I want to stop doing that right now.

[Helen]

When I came. No, thanks. Thanks for the heads. When I came down, the water that was hitting me in the face because it was hitting my feet, I was like, yeah. I was like, I can't believe these rides don't come with instructions. Like how. Like how to ride them.

[Autumn]

Yeah. Point your toes, something.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

You know that slide, you and. I think you and Nell did it here in LA, where, like, you go up to, like, the 30th floor, and then it's a slide that's outside the building.

[Helen]

I did that with Mr. Surprise.

[Autumn]

Oh, that's who it was.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Psycho you for, right? You again, couldn't pay me enough. You want me to ride a slide from the 30th floor that is outside a building? And I could see the fall.

[Helen]

Our heights, your yes thing.

[Autumn]

Yes.

[Helen]

By the way, I think it was higher than 30 floors. Okay, well, it was.

[Autumn]

Kill me.

[Helen]

Yeah, it was. It was like the tallest building. It's where we went to dinner with Joel and Megan at one time. Same building, I think. Yes, it was scary, but heights aren't my thing. Like, you know, the first time I went to the Grand Canyon, we one part of it there. They have this big overlook that is all glass.

[Autumn]

Okay.

[Helen]

Just like the slide. So as you're walking out so much

[Autumn]

anxiety right now that I just need to.

[Helen]

They're looking down under you at the. Like, if this glass cracked and broke, honey, we're all dead.

[Autumn]

Not on your life.

[Helen]

And you have enough time to think about it. For some reason, I was. I think I saw a commercial or something, and I. So I asked the Internet, how many people have jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge and survived?

[Autumn]

What a morbid thought.

[Helen]

I know. It's like, whatever, but I know that that's like. Like, I know people jump there, like, to end their lives. And there's been 40 recorded survivors out of thousands of jumps. Okay. And it was so interesting to hear what those survivors say. They were thinking, like, after they let go of the bridge, before they hit the water, and I was like, that's like me on the water slide. I, like, had a whole dialogue like, I don't want to die. I changed my mind.

[Autumn]

Yeah, take it back.

[Helen]

Somebody stop. Stop me.

[Autumn]

Okay. I have fun. Oh, no. Go ahead, finish your thoughts.

[Helen]

I was just gonna say there's actually an interesting story about one guy who I think in 2000, he jumped. He was 19.

[Autumn]

We're gonna need to put a disclaimer on this episode now, but go ahead.

[Helen]

He survived. Well, it's just. It's a happy story. He survived. And now he shares his message as someone who is, like, at the lowest point and feels like he's been given a second chance to help other people know that, like, there's always more to keep living for and be hopeful for. So anyways, it was kind of a cool story.

[Autumn]

I love the happ of it. We still need to put a trigger one.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Okay. This is a funny story. So I probably wouldn't have thought of this as a fear necessarily until it actually happened to somebody. And then I was like, oh, my God. Okay. So I had the Studio City house, and I sold it, actually, to one of a friend, basically. Like, we were going to keep it going anyways, so. So this friend is at the house right after I sold it to them, like, checking on things, whatever. And mind you, like, the house was brand new. Was very well kept. But they had just tore the house down next door. That was an older house. Okay, so he's in the bathroom and he's going pee. And he said out of nowhere, a fucking rat came up the toilet. Like, came up and was like, all of a sudden in the toilet bowl, like, splashing around, trying to climb. So he's standing there, like, dick in hand, peeing. And all of a sudden, there's. Right. He said he, like, fell back. Pee going everywhere.

[Helen]

I would have had a heart attack.

[Autumn]

I was like, oh, my God. Thank God you didn't sit down and

[Helen]

take a. Oh, my God.

[Autumn]

It would have bit your ass or something like.

[Helen]

No, because that's. That is one of my fears. Like a snake coming up from the toilet, but a rat. Oh, that's crazy.

[Autumn]

And he sent me a photo of the rat in the toilet, and I was like, oh, my God.

[Helen]

Oh, my God, that's bad.

[Autumn]

Oh, makes me happy to remember it.

[Helen]

That is so cr. I. I would. I don't like that. Makes me feel crazy.

[Autumn]

Thinking about makes you feel crazy.

[Helen]

I'm like. Like, I don't know what I would do. Like, I just want to scream, like, ah.

[Autumn]

Like, that's nuts. I know. I mean, again, thank God he was going pee. But I do keep think, what if you sat down and all of a sudden something is splashing in the toilet under you or, like, hit you in the butt. No, but I have those fears, like, in general, with, like, bugs in the room, spider, like, something getting me while I sleep.

[Helen]

I saw online that you're more likely to marry Kim Kardashian than you are to die from a venomous spider. I was like, well, she has been married a lot, but, yeah, so not the girl.

[Autumn]

So I guess my time, I see

[Helen]

a spider, I'm like, this could the one. I'm either dead or Spider Man. Like, this spider is not playing. It's got some strong venom.

[Autumn]

You look at it and you're like, that thing will hurt you. Kill you dead. Also, I'm not. Yes. I worry about the dead part. But have you ever seen some of them where it's like. Like, it eats your skin and eat your muscle? And I'm like. Then you're just.

[Helen]

Yeah, it's bad.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

Oh, my God.

[Autumn]

So, yeah, spiders and snakes are big ones.

[Helen]

I had another one that just escaped.

[Autumn]

Oh.

[Helen]

Oh, speaking of snakes, I think I told the story before, but it's worth repeating. Okay. I went to. I had this, like. I think I was 21 at the time. I had this convention in Florida, and my cousin knew a family that said I could stay at their house.

[Autumn]

Okay. Cousin knew a family.

[Helen]

I didn't know them.

[Autumn]

Okay.

[Helen]

But it's one of those, like, hey, a friend of a family to Helen is a. You know, our family, too. They let me. Me stay in their house while they were out of town and drive one of their cars.

[Autumn]

Wow.

[Helen]

That's how trusting and nice this family was. But I get there and they. I actually can't remember if I met them or if they, like, left a key for me. And then they, like, text me a note that their python got loose and it's somewhere in the house.

[Autumn]

Oh, okay.

[Helen]

So I was like, what? And so I'm here at this house I've never been to.

[Autumn]

You stayed?

[Helen]

I stayed. I was so afraid. I just, like. I shut the. The door where I was sleeping, and I, like, looked everywhere I could. But when I tell you it doesn't matter.

[Autumn]

They can get under a door.

[Helen]

I slept for a day. The three days I was staying there. I think I was just, like, so freaked out.

[Autumn]

You should have called Helen and said, tell your mom she better put me up in a hotel because I'm not trying to die tonight.

[Helen]

No, it was. It was. It was wild. Like, how do you lose a python? I was like, I'm gonna wake up.

[Autumn]

Yeah, seriously.

[Helen]

But apparently you wouldn't wake up if

[Autumn]

it was wrapped around your neck.

[Helen]

Exactly. It ended up being. It ended up. It was in the laundry room because the dryer was warm or some shit like that. But I was like, oh, my God, there's a loose snake in this house. Like, even I remember sitting on the couch watching tv. And just as much as I'm watching tv, I got one eye watching tv, and this other one's over here looking for that snake.

[Autumn]

All of a sudden it's like.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Squirming past you or something on the couch.

[Helen]

I mean, imagine sitting there and all of a sudden you just. No, you feel something on the back.

[Autumn]

The hair's on the back of your neck to stand up.

[Helen]

Oh, my God. Awful.

[Autumn]

Yeah. I think heights are my biggest one. Choking is my favorite. Like, serious one. When I was a kid, my dad let us. Let me watch Jaws again. Young. Probably too young to watch Jaws. No water was safe. I didn't want to sit on the toilet. I was worried that shark was going to come up through that toilet and get me. Definitely wasn't going to take a bath again ever in life. Never. It was like showers for me after that. And even then I was like, I don't know, man. It's water.

[Helen]

Yeah, I'm that way. But it's even a piranhas. I'm like, I know that they're not in, like, all kinds of water, but the problem is I don't know what kind of water they're in as far as. Especially, like, if I go to Puerto Rico. Rico or something, I'm like, are there piranhas in this water? Or. I asked now. I was like, alligators. Like, you lived in your house in Florida.

[Autumn]

I know. That was actually a big one of mine because they were always in the backyard. Because my backyard butted up to the Everglades. So you would just see them in the water. They would swim up and neighbors sometimes would feed them. We did it once or twice too, so I can't really blame the neighbors. But, like, people would feed them. And I'm like, these things are just chilling at the fence. Like, at some point this thing is gonna be in the pool.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

At the front door. Or somehow make its way into my house. I won't know how, but it'll get in. But that would always be like, my.

[Helen]

That is scary.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

Because as far if you feed that alligator, that's an appetizer. And you're the main course.

[Autumn]

Yeah, you're the main course. And everybody would be like, it's not that big. It's five feet. I'm like, that's the same size as me.

[Helen]

Exactly. That's big enough.

[Autumn]

It's big enough that he'll do damage. Yeah, yeah.

[Helen]

And if they get you in the

[Autumn]

water, I mean, it was a gate, like, and he couldn't get through that gate. But, like, it would scare me too, because, like, people, like, I would always be worried about Dom and Cave if

[Helen]

he was out, like, riding by.

[Autumn]

Well, because they're stupid. And they would always be like, oh, we could. We could. You know, because my nephew handles reptiles. Like, that's what he does for a living. He snakes and different iguanas and he takes them to schools and he teaches kids about them. But, you know, he's a little cocky for a 20 year old.

[Helen]

So did the crocodile hunter.

[Autumn]

Yeah, well, he didn't get killed by a crocodile. He got killed.

[Helen]

But it was a reptile, wasn't it?

[Autumn]

Or no reptile. He got killed by a stingray. Like the most freak accident ever. He was swimming over one and it shot its tail up and it went between his intercostals and shot venom into his heart.

[Helen]

Oh, God.

[Autumn]

Like, literally could.

[Helen]

Like, the likelihood is like, this isn't to be insensitive. It's been so. But, you know, sometimes you're like, maybe

[Autumn]

like, marrying Kim Kardashian is like the, like, that was a.

[Helen]

You getting struck by lightning.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

Chance.

[Autumn]

Probably even less because you're out in lightning more than you're swimming over a stingray. But I'm pretty sure that's what it was.

[Helen]

My one of mine. That's so irrational because there's no reason this would ever happen. Is getting stuck under ice. Well, like, you fall through the ice and then you're like, like you're going

[Autumn]

to freeze to death pretty quick. So.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And round. Oh, okay. Here's one, though, that people have. I know people that are like this. They. They can't stand their belly button or anybody touching their belly button.

[Helen]

Oh, I don't like that.

[Autumn]

Okay. It's aggressive. You don't like touching your own, or you don't like seeing somebody touch their.

[Helen]

Let me touch it.

[Autumn]

It's a little queasy when you dig in here. Like, what?

[Helen]

I don't like it.

[Autumn]

It. Your face.

[Helen]

He said, because I don't know where those nerves are going, but they're going places I don't want them to go.

[Autumn]

Kaylee's ex husband used to be a freak about it.

[Helen]

Oh, really?

[Autumn]

Yeah. Like, if you even, like, went like this, like, barely pointed your finger towards your belly button, he would be like, ah, no.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

I was like, God, Kaylee, come on. You had such a way to torture this man.

[Helen]

Exactly.

[Autumn]

You should have used that.

[Helen]

I remember I was a little kid, though. My dad. My dad didn't have a shirt on. And he must have, like, because my dad was very small when I was born, but, you know, gained weight over the years. And so it was at the point where he was not fat by any, like, what? You know, I hate to say that, but he wasn't, like, really overweight.

[Autumn]

Okay.

[Helen]

But it was enough where I, I, his, his belly button looked kind of like a black hole because he had his, like, belly hair and stuff. And I was like, what's going on in there? How deep is that? And he was like, I don't know. I was like, can I stick my finger in there? He was like, I guess so. And just in my memory as a kid, it was literally like I was about to take a voyage. And I was like, ah.

[Autumn]

It came back.

[Helen]

Yeah. Like, okay, I'm never doing that again.

[Autumn]

That's hilarious. I was looking up other ones. The only middle school PE class is encourage. What? I don't know what that one is? Strong reactions to the smell or texture of food. Imagine being haunted by a charcuterie board.

[Helen]

Okay.

[Autumn]

Oh, that's funny. Like. Yeah, well, obviously, like, people have fear of clowns. This one is hilarious. It's the. It's the fear of long words. But I'm gonna try to read the name to you.

[Helen]

Okay.

[Autumn]

They picked every letter of the Alphabet. Just put it in a name.

[Helen]

They're like these scared ass, Scary ass. Won't be able to say it either.

[Autumn]

Literally.

[Helen]

Say what syndrome you have.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

We dare you.

[Autumn]

Yeah, literally. Hippopotamonstrass.

[Helen]

Okay, I swear. Let me see.

[Autumn]

I'm not making it up. I'm like, okay, so somebody was just being a real asshole. Like, they're like, oh, you're afraid of long words. How's this your phobia? That is the name of your phobia?

[Helen]

Yeah. Hippopotam. Monstrosis. Keep. Quit.

[Autumn]

Okay.

[Helen]

I can't even say it without burping twice. That's wild. They really are just with people with that one. The. My problem is with words.

[Autumn]

Name your fear.

[Helen]

Yeah, exactly. Don't be afraid. It's just a condition. What's the condition called? Well, I feel like. Moral of the story. Everybody has random irrational fears and just gotta do it anyways. We still gotta sleep at night, even if there are bad guys under the

[Autumn]

bed, with or without the door open or closed. But I don't have to bungee jump, nor do I have to slingshot or ride big roller coasters.

[Helen]

That's true, but that's exactly why you should do it, because I think the viewers would find it so entertaining.

[Autumn]

Like Kevin Hart.

[Helen]

Yes, exactly. Just like that.

[Autumn]

No, not in your life. That roller coaster that he rode. Let's see. With Jimmy Fallon.

[Helen]

I think so.

[Autumn]

Yeah. That thing was insane. It, like, goes straight up and drops straight down. It's like a hairpin plummet. I would die.

[Helen]

Oh, I love.

[Autumn]

I would literally die.

[Helen]

I like the drops more than being whipped around, because, again, it's a headache issue. I don't know what to do. I'm just like, between the things the whole time.

[Autumn]

At least you're still alive.

[Helen]

That's true. I love a drop.

[Autumn]

So I'm using my phone, a friend option because I seriously need to be talked down off an emotional ledge. I don't even know what this is going to say because I just opened it. So I'm going to just start reading it. I'm 40 years young, will be 41 in March, married 18 years and a mother of two amazing boys, 16 and 22. I have been doing your program since 2019. I'm sure you're you hear this a lot. They have literally changed my life. A few years ago I had blood work scare. My levels of A1C, liver enzymes and cholesterol were elevated but I geared it in and in just six months everything was back to normal. I finally got to my goal weight. Good times. So now to the current issue. Lol. The issue where I need some friendly advice, maybe some tough love. But mostly I just need a friend. The year started out great. I have been on my game this year. I'm amped up. I amped up my energy, set new goals and up my weights. I was feeling amazing in all areas and aspects until a few weeks ago. So at the end of January I I had a few days where I was dealing with a little constipation was a bit weird since I really try to stay on my nutrition but a lot has been going on stress with the family. So I just figured maybe I wasn't drinking enough water or maybe I wasn't getting as much green containers in that I needed. So I geared it in and within a few days I was all back to normal for the most part. I started experiencing some itching and discomfort down there. I figured it was probably from tears I might have gotten due to the constipation. But then the burning started and the discomfort went would gravitate to my lady area. So I treated as if it were consequences of constipation. But as the soreness, itching and burning subsided I was left with decreased sensitivity numbness down there where I was once sore. I spoke to my general practitioner at my yearly blood work appointment. Everything was normal aside from an elevated LDL who did an examination but she didn't see any outward tears, felt my back for slipped discs but didn't seem concerned that it was it and just came to the to surmise that it was probably an inward tear or hemorrhoid that could be putting pressure on or inflaming a nerve. She said it could just need time to heal and if it's not better in a few more weeks she will refer me to Gastro. Now here's where I need a friend part. Having decreased sensitivity down there is no fun. I can still get where I need to go if you catch my drift, but it takes so long. I can feel touch but it's just not like it was before. My husband and I tried oh okay, well we're back to sex. My husband and I tried to have sex and at first it was good, but then I got so desensitized that I could barely feel anything. So a moment that was supposed to be beautiful and intimate and amazing ended with my husband just holding me as I cried and telling me it was okay. Every time I think there's improvement, I'm reminded. Nope, not yet. I feel so defeated. I feel like a mutant. I feel less than. I'm nervous, I'm scared, and I can't stop thinking about the what ifs and. And I've burned Google search engine up with questions, but I'm impatient and so tired of not knowing how to fix this. I'm trying to keep my stress level down and worry minimal, but it's so hard. I'm not having babies anymore. My kids are at the age they don't seem like they need me. And now this. It just feels like everything that makes me a woman is fading away and it's miserable. Any advice, encouragement and or reassurance is welcome. Thank you for listening. Okay, well, they're first of all not a doctor in any way, shape or form. But my first thing that I would say is that that needs more investigation. So like the GP didn't see anything. I would go to the gyno right away. I would ask for more in depth testing because it could have been constipation, but who knows, Maybe there was an infection of some type that caused some other damage or something. I do know that there's like shots that they can do down there now to improve sensitivity for women, but you can't just go do that without knowing what caused the problem. So I would say my first piece of advice was to be the. Your own biggest advocate for yourself. And just because one doctor just summed it up and said, oh yeah, probably this or probably that. That's not an answer and you deserve answers. So I would con. Not Google. I would continue to go to other doctors and try to find answers because it might be something that. What if it's just like, oh, you need an antibiotic. Antibiotic to clear up an infection.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And this could all be back to normal.

[Helen]

So I totally agree. And that was going to be my advice. I had a situation and I always joke about my butthole reconst surgery, but I in all serious. Yeah. And I say it to be funny and make light of it, but in all seriousness, I had like. So I'm. I'm gonna talk about just this because I think to. To your point about being the, your biggest advocate, I thought that I had a hemorrhoid situation happening, and I've never had like a one. I don't know what it's called when they come out.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Helen]

But. And I went to four doctors, actually, and I would. Because I was like, this just doesn't. It's not going away. I'm doing all the things I'm using. I tried using suppositories and doing sits baths and all the things that you're supposed to do. And it wasn't getting better. And it's not like I was. I wasn't even. Even though I joke, like about being a hoe, I say that sometimes. I wasn't really. That wasn't it so much for me. I just felt like, why isn't this getting better? And it made me feel like something was wr with me all the time.

[Autumn]

Yeah.

[Helen]

And I. They would, like, these doctors would give me creams and stuff like that, and nothing helped. And finally someone else actually at the dance studio, a female, after she had kids from. Had like a micro tear that turned into, like. It's basically like a fat tissue that was building. It wasn't. Or not. Not fat tissue. Scar tissue that was building because of a micro tear. And it's like your body just keep communicating to heal it and sends too much. That's how it's explained.

[Autumn]

Okay.

[Helen]

And everyone. I could have taken every cream on the shelf and it wouldn't have gotten better. And until I heard this woman who recommended me to a doctor who she saw on the TV show the Doctors.

[Autumn]

Oh, okay.

[Helen]

He's. He. He. He's based in Thousand Oaks. I went and he was like, oh, yeah, we. We just have to do a minor surgery to get rid of this. You're not. It's not what other people have said. But literally, I went to four doctors, paid a lot of money. I was like, paying out of my pocket for all those doctor visits, paying for whatever prescription strength creams or medication they were telling me to take, and it wasn't getting better. And so I just like to say to anyone who's facing something like that, you know, if something's off, don't just take it for. Well, I guess maybe it will get better. Keep pushing and let your. Let your, you know, primary care doctor know this doesn't feel right. And also, I am such an advocate for women to really communicate and stress if they're. If there's big changes, like with sensation and stuff like that. That's not just something that you have to accept as you age.

[Autumn]

Right.

[Helen]

There's like you said maybe a shot you can take or there's different products that whatever it might be, whatever the situation, whatever tests need to be done, definitely know that it can be better than that. And you need to push for that and say this isn't working, this isn't helping. And I'm feel, feeling it's affecting my psychological health.

[Autumn]

Yeah. I think obviously, like I said, like, I think she needs to know what the reason is for it first. But yes, like, and then take steps. I. It sounds like her husband is very caring. Right. Like, okay. She said he just held her while she cried because she feels less than. And you're not less than at all.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

You know, it's, you're not incapable of intimacy. I understand it's got to be frustrating to not be able to experience the full experience of intimacy. But there's so many ways you can continue to connect with your husband. Just with touch and kissing and talking and cuddling and, and, and all of those things while you work through it. And also, like she said, you know her, I think she said her sons are 16 and 22 and they don't really need her as much anymore. And so all the things that make her feel like a woman are going to away. And Dom's 17 and you know, he is definitely getting to an age where he doesn't need me as much. But first of all, our kids are always going to need us. And being a mom is an amazing, beautiful gift, but it's still not what makes us a woman. So tap into those things. I would say that do make you feel like your most feminine womanly self, like right now. Like, give yourself a little extra self, love, self care. If that means you need to stand in the mirror and just appreciate your womanly figure, do it. If you need a little extra, like girls, day spa, shop, whatever makes you feel better right now.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

But I do think like, like try not to get discouraged because when we get in our heads and we think like, it's going to be the worst of the worst and it's never going to be the same again, we're not really doing ourselves any service. Because you don't know that.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

And you don't know what the problem is. And all you're doing is sort of putting more stress and negativity on your body.

[Helen]

Right.

[Autumn]

So I would say let's try to find the good. Let's try to lean into the like, what can I be doing?

[Helen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Autumn]

And I really hope that you get answers sooner than later.

[Helen]

Yeah.

[Autumn]

Because I can see that's frustrating.

[Helen]

Keep asking the questions. Like, I think a lot of times we come across people who are like, well, you know, I guess this is just how it is. Start to accept it and try to lean. And it's like, no, keep asking the questions and, you know, your doctor and specialist, whatever you need to do, and keep talking to your husband about it, because that's also a big part of partnership. It's not just about satisfying each other. It's about. About being with each other through those difficult times as well. So, yeah.

[Autumn]

Oh, no, don't tape your mouth shut.

[Helen]

You just got literally like, I. A sneeze was coming, but I was like. And then it didn't. And now I. I do feel for this phone, a friend. But I'm not crying.

[Autumn]

I didn't think you were crying. I knew you got.

[Helen]

Yeah, my mouth shut. I'm not going out like that.

[Autumn]

All right, we're gonna wrap it up on that note. If you guys want to get in contact with us, if you need some friendly advice, encouragement, maybe you need some just bad advice or raunchy advice, we're there for all of you.

[Helen]

We give it all.

[Autumn]

We give it all. Everything's perfect [e-mail].

[Helen]

that's right. And also, you can hit us up on Instagram. We can. You can message us there, give us a follow. It's Everything's Perfect official. We love to see you there. And we'll see you next time.

[Autumn]

We'll see you guys next time. Bye. When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more. Grainger gets it and knows there's no time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products in fast, dependable delivery so you can keep your facility safe, stocked, safe, and running smoothly. Call 1-800-granger. Click granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.