← EXPANDED Podcast by To Be Magnetic™
EXPANDED Podcast by To Be Magnetic™
Ep. 347 - Why Your Dream Life Requires Letting Go - The Process with Ziza
01:05:54
What if your greatest fears could lead you to your most authentic life? In this expansive Process episode, Jessica welcomes writer and TBM member, Ziza, as she shares her profound journey from self-doubt and people-pleasing to manifesting her dream life in Italy. Ziza shares openly about growing up with untethered parents, adopting patterns of parentification, shape-shifting, and relying on external validation due to deep-rooted fears of abandonment. Discover how she navigated a four-year rut in career before landing her dream job—by reconnecting with her inherent worthiness and listening to her intuitive pings. Jessica and Ziza explore how embracing life's worst moments can revive and reshape your character, and why true expansion often requires releasing control to trust life's mystical surprises. Learn how subconscious reprogramming through TBM practices helped Ziza exchange "good" for "great," prioritize her inner voice, and ultimately manifest a profound, authentic life. Thi...
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- [00:00]
A
There really is a freedom in trusting how your own story will play out. And it's been a hard journey, but a really magical one. The beauty of the bridges and the leaps and the magic dark is you realize you're not alone. There's a much bigger energy at play helping you blossom.
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B
From to be magnetic. This is the expanded podcast with your.
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C
Host, Lacey Phillips and your host Jessica Gill.
- [00:37]
B
As the leading destination for neural manifestation. We dispel the woo woo in order to help you create real, tangible results based on neuroplasticity, psychology, epigenetics and energetics. Our goal is to normalize the practice of manifestation and empower you to get into the driver's seat of your life in order to manifest the experiences, relationships and things that most align with your authenticity. And by pressing play, the process begins.
- [01:13]
C
Welcome back everyone to another episode of Expanded Jessica. Here today we have an incredible process with Ziza. If you are someone who has been really working and trying for this manifestation for a long time and you are hitting a wall, this episode is going to be for you. If you are someone who resonates with the statement death by a thousand moments of self doubt, this episode is going to be for you. If you are someone who felt like they needed to take control in their childhood, felt parentified, and now as an adult, feels like the burden is always on them. They have to take care of everything around them and that they kind of feel like no one is truly prioritizing them or that they are not seen or felt in their experience. This episode is for you. Learn how Ziza moved from all of these fears, limiting beliefs, hitting the same wall over and over and over again in career, to not only manifesting her absolute dream position, but taking a giant leap of faith on herself to follow a ping to move to Italy, a ping she's had since she was a little girl, to take her kid to Italy, change their entire life structure because it felt like such a true deep calling and and then leave that dream job that she had spent so long manifesting only to find out that they were in complete support of her doing so and even allowed her to work remote to bridge the gap between the time she moved and now she is living her absolute dream life in Italy. I cannot stress to you the importance of moving from this state of feeling isolated, alone on this journey not connected to yourself, to being someone who can, can dance with the universe, can see the potential, trust themselves to take those leaps of faith and trust that the big thing that they're waiting for is out there. For them, it is destined for them, it is meant for them. It is a matter of time and healing. All those parts in between. I love this one statement. She said that TBM is the tool and you are the work. I'm gonna even say you are the work of art. I feel so inspired by this episode and I know a lot of people are navigating that in between space right now. That magic dark Z. This is going to be the episode that's going to give you that expansion, that wow. Even when things feel kind of quiet or stale or aren't moving in the clarity and speed at which you want, they will align. Here is your expansion. Here is your proof. And for our TBMers, a few announcements for you guys. Lacie is officially launching her sub stack. This has been a highly requested thing from her and this is going to be kind of a portal into Lacy's life. Now. It'll be a little bit of manifestation, but it'll be a lot, lot of her life. The mysticism she's into, the things that she's inspired by, the taste making and curation and art forms and pieces that are really speaking to her heart right now. This sub stack is birthed out of her true authenticity and has been speaking to her for a while and now it is finally in fruition. So if you are interested in subscribing to that, we will put a link in the show notes and you can get a more personalized taste of that experience with Lacey. I think also see, launching the sub stack is such a cool representation of how when you connect with your authenticity, you understand your truth. You understand you're a multifaceted human that has many different gifts and things to share. Beautiful things like this can come of it. So I also throw this invitation to anyone out there who feels like, what is my thing? What is my one purpose? It's not a one thing, it's multiple things. It's all the things you're inspired by, lit up by, want to create in this world. It doesn't have to look like one specific thing. So as you're in this liminal space and you're connecting to your authenticity and perhaps doing our authenticity challenge to really refine what that is and what that looks like. Those core pillars of you which is open now, if you guys want to check it out, we'll have it open for probably most of this year. So take your time going through it. That is going to be so key for what we, what we birth, what we launch on the other side of this year. And I think those portals where we can express our authenticity are going to be really key to helping us connect with our manifestations faster as well. And big announcement for all you Binaural Beats fans. We have finally launched the long version of two different variations of our Binaural Beats which are packed with so many key factors in those frequencies in order to help you drop into a deep subconscious theta state, access your subconscious. They're really really good for journaling, they're good for calming your nervous system, good for opening the heart chakra. Cuz there's frequencies that are aligned that the root chakra, the sacral to connect with your sort of creative force and intuition. It's going to be a really really really good tool. So if you are someone who has been craving those longer form Binaural beats, you can find them in the daily practice and inside our Magic Dark playlist with some new journal prompts. Enjoy.
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B
And now a word from our partners.
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If you have an online business that has courses, maybe coaching, a community group, podcast, email funnels, any sort of membership, let me introduce you to Kajabi. It is the all in one business platform where you can sync every aspect of your online business in one place and no matter how small or big you are, you can scale to whatever you desire with your business at Kajabi. About two years ago TBM switched all of our memberships onto the Kajabi platform and it has been such a game changer. It allows us not only to customize our online membership but to create a mobile app for our business as well. Before Kajabi we had our email on one platform, our membership online payment portal on a platform where actual courses lived on a separate platform and none of that tech was communicating well with each other. So there were always glitches and always issues. But with Kajabi everything is in one hub so is so seamless. The interface is super user friendly so you can check their analytics, their backend, your email contacts, anything that you want to customize in your workshops very very easily. So stop wasting your time and money connecting on managing multiple different platforms and seamlessly integrate everything into one intuitive platform on Kajabi. So if you're curious and checking it out, we have a 30 day free trial. When you go to the link in our show notes, click on it, you'll see a little pop up and then enter your information to try out that 30 day free TR trial. Be sure to message their team because their customer support is also fantastic. So excited for you to up level with Kajabi.
- [08:17]
B
All Right onto the episode.
- [08:24]
C
I am so excited to have Ziza on this process episode. Your submission, when it came through. There are a few submissions that come through where I'm just like, this person is a writer, this person is an artist. Like, I am just following I'm track. Like, every step of it feels like another layer of the journey. And yours was so that going through it. So welcome. We're excited to dive in and chat.
- [08:48]
A
Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
- [08:50]
C
So tell us a little bit about upbringing and childhood. There was a couple of moments in there where you were talking about your parents experience and how their life impacted this sort of untethered energy and how that sort of pushed you into this. Okay, well, I have to take care of everything. And what is that going to do? What are your roots and how did that inform who you are today?
- [09:16]
A
Oh, gosh, I could talk all about that. I mean, it's so fascinating to me to like, dig into the roots in history and definitely something, as I have gotten older and especially through this work, have been able to really look at that in like a compassionate way and like a curious way of like, okay, we all have these roots. Where do we come from? There's always something affecting us. So for me, both of my parents come from immigrant backgrounds. My dad. My dad's family is Ukrainian, so my grandparents were from Ukraine. And During World War II, my grandfather fought in the Polish army. My grandmother, at 17, left her family or had to leave her family to go find work, and so ended up in Germany at not a great time, but ended up being in a work camp for several years. And at the end of the war, my grandparents somehow found each other. It was, I think, more a marriage of survival than love, but they found each other. Had. My dad lived in a displaced persons camp in western Germany. And then when my dad was 4, they came to the US and that was that. They never went back. They never saw their families again. I think there may have been some communication, but it's all very vague. So I grew up with my dad's side, just feeling like there's my dad, his sisters, and my grandparents. But that was it. There was no really talk about what had come before. They really were like, present here. And then my mom's side, my grandmother was born to Sicilian parents. She was 100% Sicilian, was sort of the rebel and married an Irishman. And so my mom will talk about how she grew up, fifth of 10 kids, Irish, Italian mix. But with my grandparents or my grandmother's family, that was you know, staunchly Sicilian. They were kind of the literally, like, redheaded stepchildren of, like, they. She always wrestled with, like, am I welcome? Do I fit in? Because we're not, you know, like all the others. And I think I, in a similar sense, grew up feeling that, where do I belong? Where are my roots? And I was born in San Francisco. My parents lived there from the 70s. Had me. Yeah. My dad, photographer, filmmaker, worked in a photo studio. My mom was a painter, worked at moma. So, yeah, I've grown up with them kind of charting their own way, being very bohemian, avant garde, Just really trying to figure it out for themselves. And in a way, in hindsight, for me, that was a gift in the sense of. I don't think they, like, put anything on me in a sense or intentionally to, like, you have to grow up and do this. You have to, you know, stay true to this. But at the same time, I think I struggled from a young age of, like, but who am I? How do I find myself? What are these anchor points? And so even though I realize now I've always had a very strong inner voice, inner guidance, it took me a long time, time to remember that. And I felt like, okay, I have to go outside, then go outside of myself and find that tether, that anchor. So it's layered and complicated, but at the root of it is artistic parents sending me off in the world to, like, chart my own course. But here I am.
- [12:34]
C
It's so interesting, as you say that too, because I think. I think it can kind of go in both ways. I think it's such a rarity that some kids know who they are and have that sense of self at such a young age. Because you can have parents that have this untethered, multi. Different background, not like one sense of self, but like, many and many different versions and iterations. And the kid can take from that. But who am I amongst this? Or I've also seen parents that have such a strong sense of self. They are so clearly like, this is me. This is not me. These are my rigid boundaries. And the kid's like, okay, well, if that's. If you're this, like, strong force field, I don't know who I am in relation to you. Cause I may be softer, or I may be this, or I may be different. So it's so interesting how, like, the kid brain witnesses and then is like, okay, now how do I fit in?
- [13:31]
A
Yeah. And, like, how uniquely is that kid brain made manifest on Earth, you know, with its own sensitivities and Its own lens to filter through creativity the work we're here to do. So, yeah, it's fascinating.
- [13:44]
C
Okay, I want to bring up this quote from your submission because it was just worded so well, but this idea that you felt like you needed to be in control and how you need to be in control, take care of your parents, you could sense things that they could not. And the parentification eventually drilled into me the idea that nobody was going to take care of you but you. And more than that, I wasn't worthy of anybody choosing to prioritize me that line. Like, I wasn't worthy of anyone choosing to prioritize. I'm like, oh, it was like a gut punch reading that. Describe what that was like for you growing up and how you internalize the world around you.
- [14:28]
A
Yeah, you know, I definitely don't think it wasn't like anything, you know, it wasn't as intentional deep seated trauma that anyone put on me. But I think when I look back and I describe it to myself, I think having like that robust inner world and a mind that could just pick up on cues like emotionally energetically. I was a very sensitive child and I could read the room. I could read energy, adult energy, even if I didn't fully understand it. I could pick up if something was not right or if someone was lying to, to me or, you know, there was more to the story that I wasn't being told. I could just tell that. And as a child, I didn't know what to do with that. But I would try to. I would try to figure out, okay, if this person's sad, how do I make them happy? If this person seems angry, how do I not make them more angry? And over time, over time, over time, I think that made me so removed from myself because I was so aware of how do I protect myself, how do I look out for all the things that someone else may miss? How do I stay one step ahead of everybody of life in general? And I think too, not that, you know, my parents, looking back, they were super supportive. I never felt like a lack of love. But it's different that like, I also kind of overrode that as a child. Like, well, of course my parents love me. They're my parents. But like anyone else, I think I wrestled with feeling like, am I worth having a birthday party for? Or am I worth someone choosing me to be the star best friend or to lead this team? I'm the one calling people, am I worth Will people hang out and remember to call me? And I don't Necessarily think there were specific things that affirmed that was true, but I just chose to believe that was true because that felt safer and that felt easier of like, if I can always stay one step ahead and not give anyone the chance to let me down, then I'll never be let down and I'll be safe. And over time, I can look back and see like, gosh, I really didn't trust myself. I didn't think I was worth being seen being cared for. And that took me a while to even verbalize and even be able to get deep enough into myself to. To realize, oh yeah, that vulnerability is there. It's truly a worth thing that I don't feel comfortable being seen and I don't feel comfortable being taken care of because I don't trust that I can be.
- [16:56]
C
I think too, it doesn't always have to be like that one moment or that one incident or that one thing. It's all these little micro layers that can kind of stack upon each other. And it's. It's almost the idea of like, you know, if you're looking for the color red, you'll see a lot of the color red. You can have one little moment, even if you see it happen with other people. There were moments where I remember witnessing my mom being a very emotional, vulnerable state, and no one necessarily coming to meet her needs except for me, or coming to attune to her except for me. And I was like, oh, wow. So like, okay, if I'm an adult, I'm really emotional and vulnerable, like, maybe no one will come to meet me. And obviously as an adult, when you look at that, you can be like, that's not true, because you can debunk it in a million different ways.
- [17:43]
A
But.
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C
But as a kid, it's like, that's the little interpretation. We're wired for survival. So it makes so much sense that you would try to take that conclusion to protect yourself.
- [17:54]
A
Yeah. And I think, you know, coming from, like I was saying, a small family, not having that, like, larger, wider network around me, like the family I knew, my nuclear family was so small, I think that also made me aware of, I don't want to rock this boat if this doesn't last. If somehow my parents don't stay together or no one's happy, someone were to leave, where would I go? So, like, I just, you know, and I'm the oldest as well, so I was in that caretaker role of feeling like, okay, I can sense how everyone's coming together. Sometimes people don't seem to have control of Their emotions. So I will always control my emotions and I'll make sure everyone's okay around me so that I am okay ultimately. Because if. If they're not okay, what's happening to me? I don't know. I'm not okay.
- [18:39]
C
It creates that, like you said, that distrust for your own impulses, your own desires, your own passions, your own truths. And then when people are adults or older and they're like, okay, like, I want to figure out what I want to manifest, or I want to figure out what my dreams are, they're like, I. I don't know. And it's like, do you have any practice actually listening to yourself, actually allowing yourself to have those desires and those dreams?
- [19:07]
A
Yeah, totally.
- [19:08]
C
Okay, so how did you find tbm? What were you hoping to get out of it when you first joined it? That's why I'm so interested. What hooked you in where you were like, I'm excited to welcome this into my life right now.
- [19:21]
A
So it had to have been like 2019 era. So my husband and I had been in Italy for three months and we had moved back to LA because I was working for a job that was. Enabled me to be over there for, like a brief stint. And then under the premise that I would move back to la. So we had moved back to la, and then a month later, that job unexpectedly laid off their whole editorial staff. And it was a real rock bottom moment at the time, for sure. We had just moved back to la. Neither my husband or I had jobs. We were trying to find an apartment with no income and two large dogs. So it was hard. But we ended up getting into a place and I was just trying to find work, and I was so stressed about money. And at the same time, I had started reading Debbie Ford's book Dark side of the Light Chasers. And I had heard Lacey on probably the Goop podcast around that time, and it really resonated with me, things that she was saying. And then I started to listen to the podcast for a while, and then I think I did the free clarity exercise. And then I was like, all right, I'm gonna dip my toe in with the money one, because I'm stressed about money and I need money. So, like, let's figure out how to control this money thing. Once I got into that and started to see how it worked, and then I had seen somewhere, I forget which workshop it ended up being, but that some part of the content was, like, citing that book. And so I felt just like, very primed for, like, oh, this makes A lot of sense right now. I love just self analysis in general. So having the workshops, having the deep imaginings to, like, get really somatic and get in my body and be very imaginative, but it felt productive. It just all felt like it came at the right time. And then after the money workshop, then I was like, all right, well, clearly I need so much more than this. And started doing the shadow workshop and then the inner child workshop. And then I've just been unpeeling the layers ever since.
- [21:17]
C
It is so interesting how there's like that one impetus. You're like, okay, money is my problem. Like, I need to go in and address money. And then you get into money and you're like, it's not really even about money at all. It's about so much more than the material item or when people even come in to manifest certain things. It's like it's never about that thing. Sure, there's nuances that you can refine and tweak in there, but it's more of that global relationship to self, to self worth. All of those pieces. What has been your biggest manifestation?
- [21:48]
A
Well, definitely moving to Italy for sure. I mean, that was something that not only was that like a lifelong dream, but always felt there. But I never knew how it would actually come to pass. I had a deep belief that it would, but I didn't know specifically how. And again, like kind of going back to the self worth thing, there were times when I really just would lament, that's never. It's never going to happen. Nothing works out for me. I always get the shaft. That's a great dream. But, like, who am I to, like, get to live their dream kind of thing? But over time, getting there, that little manifestations came in big and small, you know, came in that pushed me closer and closer, like I was saying, peeled. Those layers revealed. No, I really am worthy. Like, not in an entitled way, but, like, I'm here to live my life and there are ways that I'm designed to thrive. And if I continue to chase that thread and continue to pull on all those ways that make me come alive, you get closer and closer to those things. So being here in Italy and that whole story, it's not the end all be all, but it's definitely been, wow, that prideful, in a good way, moment of like, I can't believe I did it. I can't believe, you know, I honored myself in this way and. And did it. And here we are. And it's been a hard journey, but a really magical one at the same time.
- [23:14]
C
Okay, so talk about this process. You had mentioned that you had envisioned this for a really long time. You didn't see how it was possible. Possible. After you got let go of that job, it sounds like you got another job that was like, great. And you had this moment of like, I'm gonna have to leave this good job in order to go. So describe this process. How did this all unfold?
- [23:38]
A
Yeah, so that great job that I ended up getting was four years after I lost the first one. So it had been four years of me. I was freelance, but I had been continually trying to find what, what's that next job? And I can't even tell you which. I'm sure anyone who's looked for a job knows how hard it is to apply and apply and apply and apply. And I had so many. Now I see it as tests and expander tests. But I'd get so close and each time, you know, I'd get to the final round or I'd get to the interviews, I'd do the project. I, you know, there was one job that flew me across the country to meet with a realtor and like, show me around. Like, it felt like such a shoe in. And then they would just ghost me, not respond or say, oh, sorry, you're too creative for the role, or we've decided to keep this role in house instead. You know, after four rounds of interviews, just anything that would happen happened. So then when I finally got my most recent job, that was a manifestation too. Like, I had been doing the work up until that point. And then I feel like I had, I got this job where I was excited about the work, I felt valued, I felt seen, I felt celebrated. It was a great team. And then I rose quickly. Like, I was promoted several times and had title changes. And it felt like, this feels so great. But I knew at that point there's also something nudging me. There's this little stone in my shoe of like, but I want to live in Italy too. That dream hadn't left me. And I could see the goodness of my current role and my current place in life as potentially keeping me too safe. I could miss out on what else could be for me because I'd be too scared. Like, don't I remember it was four hard years to get this, like, full time job. Do I really think I can just leave that again and go move abroad to Italy? But a few other things happened that like, at the same time, I knew there's a deeper call in me. There's a Deeper pull in me that, like, jobs are not the end of the world for me. It's not the ultimate thing. It was really great to have, but there's, like, a vibrancy, like a resonance that my soul needs to exist in. And I knew that was in Italy for whatever comes next. You know, I'm not saying, like, oh, my life is realized and perfect, but I just knew I was ready for that next level. And so I went in and I talked to my boss, and I was prepared to be like, I'm gonna have to resign, because nobody works remote. Like, nobody works international at this company. So I was preparing to resign. And when I explained how, you know, we had found this school for our son, and I just saw a vision of the life I could give my son, my boss was so incredibly supportive. And, you know, she went from me thinking it was gonna be a hard line of, like, well, this is a company policy, and this isn't gonna happen to her, saying, you have to do this for your son. Like, you have to. You have to do it, like, basically telling me everything I've been telling myself.
- [26:45]
C
She's amping you up now.
- [26:46]
A
But she was like, no, I'm. I support you. You need to go do this. She saw the bigger picture, and so I thought, okay, great. Maybe I'll be able to stay on for, like, another month and just sort of wrap things up. And ended up. She went to hr, they talked, then they came back to me. And we're like, okay, we're willing to. We've never done this before, but we're willing to keep you on full time through the end of the year. Which, at this point, it was, like, August. So I was like, oh, wow. I just went from thinking I was going to have to resign to now, in this unprecedented way, they're keeping me on full time through the end of the year. So that was, like, the first big step of me not knowing what was going to come out of that meeting, but really trusting. And the work that I had done up until that point of, like, this is jumping off the cliff, we had been planning and preparing loosely. Like, this had always been my husband and I. Now I roped my husband into it. So now we both were obsessed with Italy, but when it was coming to be and we had found the school for our son, we're like, this is the. Where the rubber meets the road. Like, seeing the school deciding to register for the school, that's what, like, really got the wheels in motion. And so, yeah, when, like, I went to jump off that cliff, I was so terrified. But then to be met with kindness and understanding was just. It was just so affirming to me of the time that I had invested, choosing to be fully present at that job when I first took it two and a half years ago of just like, all right, this might not be my dream place, the dream location, it's not Italy, but, like, I'm still gonna be here and this is a great job and this is where I need to be right now and give everything I can to it and commit to it. But then also know there'll probably be a time I'll have to move on from it. And that came, I think, sooner than I thought. But it was met with a lot of grace and a lot of understanding.
- [28:36]
C
I mean, that's such a beautiful description too, of like the bridge, right? And how manifestations which that job, after four years of not coming through or things not fully coming into fruition and like, ripening that. That position was a manifestation and you knew it's right for me now. But I need to make sure I still honor that hum in me for whatever that next thing is and how that becomes that beautiful bridge. And I love too. You know, you talked about this feeling of being in the background, not being chosen, the fear of abandonment. And here you are not only choosing yourself, but then the company is like, wait, we don't want to lose you. Stay on until the end of the year. We want to keep working with you. Let's continue this relationship. It's such that affirmation of like, whoa, when I actually allowed myself to trust myself and choose myself, look what happens.
- [29:33]
A
Oh, for sure. Yeah. That was such a big key piece for me to feel like, oh, my gosh, the unprecedented situation, it happens to me. And even just for my own benefit, to see that little divine wink of like, you're seen when you show up and when you follow what is set for you and you honor yourself, you're seen and you're safe in doing that. Even if it feels terrifying, even if it feels scary, there is something bigger at play and there is a wider safety net than just my own little human centered way to control everything. But really, the beauty of the bridges and the leaps and the magic dark is you realize you're not alone in that dark and you're held and there's a much bigger energy at play pushing you along and helping you blossom. So for sure, I mean, that was a big. A big encouragement. And then at the end of the year when the time ended and I was looking Again to have to go on contract and it was gonna be like half hours. My salary was gonna be cut and I was starting to feel that, that creep in of what's gonna come through. I felt that temptation to just be like, oh, nothing's gonna come through. That was my one good shot. Like, that was the one time that happened. And I don't want to get too greedy with my good luck and good energy. Like, it's not gonna happen. And I actively consciously thought I was like, what if I didn't think that way this time? What if I chose? Like, I can't do anything else, but I can choose the thoughts that I allow in to settle and to build nests in my brain. Like, I don't. I can't keep them from coming in, but I can keep them from like taking root there.
- [31:11]
C
Yes.
- [31:12]
A
And what if I didn't? What if I just didn't? And the month of December, which is such a magical month for me. I'm a Capricorn. My birthday is Christmas Eve. So I've always loved December is like my magic month. And really tuned in to just what do I need? My full time job's ending. But like, I'm not gonna stress, I'm gonna choose these thoughts. I. I'm gonna believe what I've seen, I'm gonna believe what I feel. And ended up going offline for two weeks. Just around the holiday around my birthday, I was like, I just need to like tune out the noise and recenter go within. At the beginning of the year when I got back online, I had missed a DM from a friend who I hadn't talked to in a while. But she was reaching out, saying like, hey, we're hiring. We're looking for like a part time managing editor for where she had been working. She's like, I'm curious if you know anybody. And I was like, oh, wow. Actually me, Like I would. This feels so aligned in so many ways. But she had reached out like, you know, like a week ago. I didn't see it, so I wrote back right away. And then it turned out that they had already hired someone by the time she connected and got back to me. And my initial reaction was like, oh, dang it. If I had just been online, you know, I missed it. Like, dang it. That was my initial reaction. But then I was like, you know what, it's okay. I'm not gonna be penalized because I wasn't on social media 24 7. Like, that's not the energy I'm living in. That Frantic again, controlling energy of, like, I have to make sure I'm right where I need to be instead of just trusting that I am worth the right things finding me and that I've built relationships and I've built integrity, and I've carved out a life for myself and lived in that place of creating, like you said, with that energy, want to bring back in. And so it turned out I still ended up meeting with the company just to see if there was, like, freelance opportunities. They were still interested in making the connection. So I thought, great, it'll be a great connection. Leave it open, Open door, creating space. What will happen? And when I ended up meeting with them, they were like, oh, it's so great. We're connecting now. Because it turns out the last person we had just hired wasn't a good fit. And so the role is now available. And if you're still interested, we would love to have you. And I was like, yes. It just was such a sweet realization of, like, could it really happen that fast? And that was just another layer of like, oh, wow, yes. Like, there is momentum here in believing not only that I'm worth it, but just trusting that, like, life can surprise you. And this was a person that I hadn't talked to. We had, like, been in each other's parallel life, but it wasn't like someone who I would have immediately thought, oh, yeah, this person. I can network with this person, and this person will get me a job. I think the beauty of it for me was to see, wow, it's okay to wait and be surprised by life and not have to figure it all out and really stay in that trust of, I will know if I have to act, knowing, okay, things are looking dicey or like, I have to take responsibility and act. But balancing that with just trust, with just the peace that comes from. From life will flow through me and life will find me. And this is. And this is the journey. There's no perfect scenario here that we have to. To live out. It's all part of it for each of our own edification, each of our own, you know, realization while we're here.
- [34:27]
C
Oh, it's so cool. As you guys may know, my partner and I, Daniel, have manifested our absolute dream dog in a little labradoodle name, Theo, who needed to be rehomed. And ever since getting him, we have been on the hunt for the highest quality dog food out there. So many dog foods are filled with synthetic artificial ingredients that aren't actually real raw foods and aren't supporting their health long Term. And we've tested so many brands on the market. Some of them Theo likes and aren't as clean. Some of them he gets sick of after a time. And some of them were just an absolute mess to prepare for him. And then our friend introduced us to Sundays. Sunday's dog food is not only one of the cleanest dog foods on the market because it's 100% human grade ingredients, 90% meat, 10% superfoods, including things like pumpkin, which is so good for their digestion, but it has zero synthetic or artificial ingredients. And it is the only food that Theo has been consistently obsessed with. Finishes his bowl every single time he eats it. Even when he has playdates with neighborhood dogs, they come over and beg to get a little bit of sundaes because they think it is so good. He loves the beef flavor. It's 91% beef muscle and organs, 5% fruits and veggies, seeds and grains, and zero filler or synthetics, and has no refrigeration necessary because of their air drying process. You can just pour and serve. Theo has had so much sustainable energy, has been sleeping incredible, and his digestion has been amazing. I cannot recommend this stuff enough. We started weaning him off of his old food and started slowly putting him on Sundays per their recommendation. And it has been going fantastic. And best of all, they have a subscription service so it can come right to your door and you don't have to go out buying dog food weekly. Make some healthy changes for your pup this year and get 40% off a two week trial of Sundays. Go to Sundays for dogs or use code TBM ALL CAPS at checkout for 40% off. 40% off your first order. I promise your dog will thank you. So many people are having hard times finding jobs right now. They're in that exact pocket that you were in where it was like, the almost. The job's almost there. I got really close and then nothing happened. Okay. I was able to scrape together this, like, one off job to float me through. But, like, what do you think really contributed to the shift where something actually came through?
- [37:15]
A
There is definitely a point when you're faced with rejection after rejection and the. You know, you just feel beaten down by the world and you feel like you're never gonna win. It's so hard not to look in the mirror and be like, well, what is wrong with me? What is the matter? Why does someone say no to me for the fifth time after the second interview? Am I a monster? Like, am I not seeing, like, horns on my head? Or something. You know, the tendency to want to believe the negative is so easy and it's so tempting. But the real work, at least for me, after so many rejections and so many seeming failures, I had to be like, there's something happening here. And I'm going to choose to believe this is happening for me instead of. Of to me and let myself grow through this. And that wasn't for me. And to trust it and almost to, like, continue to practice failing and practice what it feels like to be rejected. So it removes the sting and it, like, takes the power out of it so that I don't have to fear it anymore. It's like, here are all these opportunities. What would happen? Kind of like the worst case scenario, Di in a way of like, what if I never get another job? Facing that and what is coming up in me that makes that feel so scary? Even if it's like, okay, well, I'll lose a house. I'll, you know, I won't be able to afford food. I'll have to do this, this and this, and play it all out. And I started to find I am still me beyond the job. I am still me beyond these form things. Kind of like we were talking about coming home to yourself and realizing what is really important. And my sense of inner resilience, my inner voice, my inner self, was like, I am me in an even deeper way than just these external things that I may get to do or, you know, the way other people may get to see me. And so really building that interconnection with myself through the DI I did, I think it was the deserving one a lot that was just reinforcing my authentic code, reinforcing all the things that I know, I love, that I know bring me life and where I feel like I'm my best self. What are those things? And how can I continue to move in those directions even if I don't know what that will look like? But, like, when in doubt, I'm gonna walk in the woods, I'm gonna journal and make a glass of tea and, like, sit and like, have this space for myself. And I. I feel like over time, strengthening the fact that I could still find myself without these external things helped me move more confidently into the world and feel like, okay, well, maybe this opportunity will come through, or this one will, or this one will. And slowly, you know, it did. And so again, it's like having integrity with anyone that you meet. Any connection that you make, not from like a networking place, but just like, as a human, just Caring for life and valuing people and valuing interaction. Not to get anything out of it, but just to honor and be present with what is. Those are seeds to plant that could come back to you that I feel like, personally I have experienced and lived of relationships or work that's gone out. Just the intention I've put into things. It really does. The intention anyone puts into anything, you know, you will receive that energy back. Whether it's more positive or negative, that energy will come back to you. And for me, building that confidence through those four years, I mean, it was hard, but at the same time, it did require me to really face my worst fear over and over. And it lost its charge. I allowed it to lose its charge more each time.
- [40:49]
C
I think that is so powerful. It's not like you're going in and invalidating that rejection. You're like, oof, okay, that stings. Let me face it. Like, what the hell's wrong with me? What's going on? Let that surface sit with it. Once you just, like, let it fully come up and you face that big influence, this fear, it starts to dissipate. It seems so simple and counterintuitive. But that's why I love that worst case scenario, Di. Because without a doubt, if I bring my biggest fear that seems to be getting triggered at the time and it comes up and I face it, it's almost like a. Oh, wait a second. That's not really as bad as I thought it was. I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay, really.
- [41:33]
A
Any grief, any pain that we may go through, it can feel so devastating. But there really is a gift to it on the other side of life. Like, life goes through the darkness, you know, if you allow yourself to hold on to that hope that through darkness, through grief, whatever the scenario is, and believe that I still have breath in my lungs, I still am alive. There's still a reason for that. And, like, life will come out the other side. It may not look like what you thought, but maybe that's also part of the magic and part of the beauty is that you allowed yourself to just go through it and you come out the other side far stronger, just more in tune with, like, what you've allowed to be stripped away and what's been revealed on the other side. I mean, it's a lot of, like, the energetics that we've been talking about, but there is something purposeful in the release, in the letting go, in the just diving in and trusting.
- [42:31]
C
Yes. Oh, my gosh, I love so many parts of this story and I think just really cementing the trajectory of how and why you got there through the TBM lens because you had set such a deep foundation of that worthiness going through, you wrote in, you went through, you know, the money shadow inner child doing the reprogramming audios, really working on that neural architecture to shift over. Then it's like the application of it. When we talk about aligned action, that is Aligned action is also checking those thoughts when they come in. In our authenticity challenge, we have a week that talks about checking your inner critic to set boundaries with your inner critic. That part of you that is wired for safety, you're not going to get rid of that part. That part's not going to go away. Those fears aren't going to not come up. It's how do you relate to them? How do you let them take, take over and take charge? And then do you start making actions from that place? Because the actions you take from that place are going to be frantic. They're going to be with a sense of lack mentality, with a sense of unworthiness, with a sense of scarcity. Or are you going to say, okay, I see you, makes sense why you're saying that, but I'm going to try something different. And that's why I love the reinforcing DI's for that reason. Because it's like when you're at that precipice, I love the new beliefs reinforcing for that. Because it's like, okay, what's the new system we're carving here? And that's why you're following your aligned path by going to Italy and doors open up for you and you're following your aligned path by taking a week off of social media. And even when you come back and you're like, whoa, these are not the results I wanted or I was hoping for. I don't know if you saw. We had a testimonial story where one of our members took two weeks off during the holidays. She had the same ping, like just disconnect. And she got back and her business had like a thousand new followers. There's features on cnn. It was like this amazing story. I don't want someone hearing that to be like, well, that didn't happen for me. In fact, I missed out on a job, you know, and it's like, well, actually sit into your worth. Sit into the surrender and be open. What could happen? The openness and the curiosity through which you handled that is why it resulted in such a beautiful manifestation.
- [44:47]
A
Yeah, it is like, you're right, the nuancedness of the work really is where the play happens. And that can feel frustrating because we live in such a results oriented society. We want the big things, we want to see xyz, we want, you know, the beautiful house, the this, the that. But really, it's been talked about so much on, on the podcast and through this work and any spiritual guru practice anywhere. But that inner work of like, knowing yourself is truly the gift of, wow, why am I being triggered by this? Why is this affecting me in this way? And I think it's so. That can be uncomfortable for a lot of people to just really sit in there because there's not a tangible thing to gain out of that. You know, we want the tangible result of the job or the situation, the material thing. But if you get that and miss what's actually happening inside, it's going to leave you empty yet again. And I think the beauty of, of this work, at least for me and how I've experienced it, is it's given me that return to what exists inside of me as the ultimate goal, as the ultimate and not even goal. Like we have to clamor back there. It's just remembering what is there, remembering outside of all these layers, outside of all this stuff that we're bombarded with and we, you know, masquerade in and deal with this like, heavy form energy. It's like there's a, a deep well inside of each of us that is creativity, that is spirituality, that is love. And these little nuanced things are like, getting there. They're like opening like tiny little levers and gears at a time to remind us of like, the wellspring that is inside. So I, yeah, I don't want someone to hear of like, oh, yeah, I want, I just need to go off social media for a month, which sure would probably yield great things, things for you. But at the same time, if you're only doing it to like, try and control and be like, oh, maybe if I just do this and this and this, then I'll get the thing. But you're missing the whole inner riches that that understanding and awareness can lead to.
- [46:52]
C
And that, to me at least, is the beauty of life. Getting to go on the journey, to be in the pursuit of, to get to unlock those levers, to have the space and time to get curious about your inner world. That is like such the beauty of everything. And the manifestation is like the, the physical, like, oh my God.
- [47:14]
A
Whoa.
- [47:14]
C
Okay, this stuff, like really works. Like, I didn't know, I could like manifest this hard. This is crazy. Okay, yeah, but then you are still left with the inner world. Can you make that dance the pleasure of life instead of pedestalizing the manifestation too?
- [47:30]
A
And I think that's what has given me a lot of, you know, the older I get, just, just being more compassionate for people and understanding and even looking back, you, my parents, and ways like, inevitably, I'm sure my child will look back and be like, wow, you know, I really failed him there too. But we are each given our journeys to work on and then we pass them on and then it becomes another generation of trying to do better and to allowing those things that we have to work on or fix or heal in a lot of ways. Like, I really feel like I look at my family story and I'm like, okay, I know, don't. I don't blame you. I can't change you for any of these things. I honor you and I love who you are and the story that is yours to live. And now this is my turn, like drawing those energetic boundaries. Yes, this may have affected me, but also at some point, this is now my story and I don't have to take on this same way of operating. I can actually heal that, transmute it and continue being life as it exists through this familial line, this, you know, generational line. However, we are here to be expressed in this way. And yeah, so like having this work, you allow yourself to see, like, oh, it may look different and the shapes and colors and struggles are so different. And that's beautiful in its own way. But it also gives me the freedom to be like, okay, so I don't have to compare with other people. I just have to honor where mine is and allow other people to be.
- [48:58]
C
Where they are 100%. Because also you honoring yours is going to give you that sensation, that feeling that we're really craving when we try to like mimic other people's lives. Whereas, like them doing it for themselves is going to give it for them. But if they try to mimic yours, they're actually not going to get that feeling because it's not from their truth.
- [49:19]
A
Yeah.
- [49:30]
C
You'Ve heard us talk about our pathway membership, but what actually is it? It is an all access membership where you can get every single workshop that we've ever created, all of our deep imaginings, which are our reprogramming audios to help you manifest. You can access it on the desktop or in the TBM app on your phone directly. We of course have our foundational workshops such as Our how to Manifest workshop, which takes you you step by step through this neural manifestation process to actually unblock, expand and take align action to connect with their manifestations. Our how to be Magnetic workshop, our inner child and shadow workshops. And then of course we have a workshop. If you are in a rut, if you're in a rock bottom, if you're an up level, perhaps you need to set boundaries. Maybe you want to focus specifically on the block of money or love. It is all in there. And then twice a year as a community, we gather for our challenges. Our challenges are one of the most, most effective parts of the process because you get accountability. It is really a handheld experience in how to work through whatever the theme of that year's challenge is. And now to my absolute favorite part of our membership, which I think in and of itself would be worth the entire weight of the membership if we just had this alone. Our Deep Imagining library. This Library encompasses over 60 neural reprogramming audio tracks. They're self hypnosis tracks that will really support you in any step of this journey. If you're needing calming nervous system regulation, unblocking with a specific test or trigger, going through a difficult time processing a big emotion, or maybe you just want reinforcing how to reinforce those neural pathways of confidence, abundance, self worth, deservingness and connection with your dream life. And not only that, if you go to the app. We just launched Deep Imagining Playlist where we're grouping different themes of DI's together. So no matter what you're going through, you have something for you. And we're constantly dropping new playlists as well as brand new deep imaginings. And if you need more support in your process, you can go to our brand new video series Channelings with Lacy, where she touches on the exact energetics that are going on right now in manifestation and how it may apply to your life. So obviously I am a huge fan of this membership. The peace of mind I get from being able to have all the tools I need at my disposal. No matter where I'm at with my life, if shit's hitting the fan, if I'm feeling disregulated, if I'm needing to come back to my center, if I'm needing to to brainstorm or daydream or connect with what my vision for my future is, every single tool is in there to support me. And don't just take my word for it. We have thousands of testimonials of people who have had incredible success stories with these tools. So take the guesswork out of your manifestation process and get real tools that are going to give you real results. For podcast listeners only, you can use code Expanded all caps ES, XP, N D, E D for 20% off your first month of the pathway. Join now and have your best year yet. What does your daily practice look like now? How do you utilize the tools? When do you utilize them? People are always so curious. I think everyone uses them differently. And that's kind of the beauty of the work. I love that you said TBM is the tool, but you are the work, which is so spot on. But how are you? What is your flow? What does your routine look like with it right now?
- [52:57]
A
So I really love doing Di's first thing in the morning just to set the tone for the day. And especially I love how much is so somatic now. Like the clear aura Di, the embodied Di. Feel your feelings Di, even like the sleep Di. Like there's just so much that feels centered in the body that for me helps because my mind can be so all over the place. And so being able to ground and reconnect with like, okay, where do I want to go? What am I open to receiving and being sensitive to today? That's a big part, is that I've learned and have done a lot of reclaiming of just the awareness that I have and being very sensitive to my energetic boundaries and being wise about them. And so I really love. I mean, I've been doing the. The embodied Di a lot just to settle in. Okay. Like, I've been through a big shift in the last six, seven months. And there was a lot of grief in moving too, and allowing the realization of the manifestation. But now I'm like, oh, okay. But there's still work I'm doing. Like, there's still things that are coming up and wanting to be prepared for that and allowing things to change. I do the DI to kind of just see what comes up and see what filters through. And some days it's just kind of like a good check. In other days it's like, oh, wow, that's a deeper layer there that I gotta go back and see why that's coming up. And that also, I think, primes me as I go throughout my day to just be more mindful of what is triggering me, what is my thought life. Like, why am I being short here? Or if I'm getting frustrated or if I'm worried, what is that actually rooted in? So I like the DI's in the morning. The nighttime is too much. I'll fall asleep for sure. So being Like a first, first morning kind of okay, I can wake up and it kind of feels like a cheat sometimes when I don't want to get up and I'm like, I'll just, you know, put this di. And then I'm getting there, getting out the of of bed. And then some days when I'm really feeling, if I have the luxury of childcare or I can be by myself for a few hours, I'll just like feel into what I think I need that day. If something's been coming up or if I want to reinforce something. It really depends.
- [55:09]
C
How do you balance your connection to self with parenting? Because I think that that is a huge theme that's coming up for people. Whether they have kids, they want to have kids or thinking about having kids, they want some understanding of like, how are people doing it? Because it's really hard.
- [55:29]
A
Oh gosh, it's so hard. I mean there inevitably parenting is. You're wondering all the time, am I doing it right? Am I not doing it right? And I think it's so easy to subscribe to that illusion of perfection that there's a way you can raise your child so that they never struggle and yet come out compassionate and totally in touch with themselves and life changing and leaders and you know, confident without having to go through anything terrible. And you know, and that's just not true. Like, yes, it is our role as parents to keep them safe and to protect them. But I think I've always understood that. Not always, but just a main. I became a mother kind of later. I was technically a, I don't think they call this anymore, but like a geriatric pregnancy.
- [56:13]
C
So how old were you when you had your son?
- [56:15]
A
I was 35. So I had had like, I think a lot more self awareness than had I, you know, had a child Personally myself if I had had a child a lot younger, I see the gift in when my son came to me, how I had him. I had kind of unexplained infertility for five years. So I didn't even know if I'd be able to have children. And then he was a total surprise. And so I think I saw that as well, like, oh, okay. Like I guess I am going on this journey and it is my charge for this point to help him eventually leave me. That's what parents should do. It's like, how do you, it's such a heartbreaking job of how do you raise and love this thing, this part of you so much, but really to do it well is to Help them exist without you. And so for me, and then, you know, coming back to the work, I think that has helped me remember, like, okay, the best thing I can do for. For him is to be aware of what I'm putting on him and to be aware of what I'm trying to gain from him. Because I'm somehow lacking in myself. And so giving myself permission to prioritize myself in pockets and prioritize this work, even if it doesn't feel like it has that immediate outcome, it is the best thing I can do for him is to make sure I'm aware of my own needs and aware of, like, what is triggering me, what's hard for me, so that I don't take it out on him and I don't pass it on to him. And now, you know that I've been doing it long enough. I feel like I have a good sense of when I have to prioritize him, obviously, but then I can balance that with, like, okay, but I'm gonna take 20 minutes and while he's napping or while he's at school. I mean, kids are such great mirrors ultimately, of like, why am I so frustrated? Because I can't control you, and why do I think I need to control you? And then just in my calmer moments, being able to walk back those. Those feelings, and no one's gonna do it perfectly. And that's probably the biggest piece of advice is just go easy on yourself. And at the end of the day, your child knows that they are safe with you. They know that they love you and that they can trust you. You can even make mistakes and apologize and model that to them. Like, there's always a way to go back and to show them what it means to be human. And humans fail. Humans hurt each other, but we can forgive and we can make amends, and that is just as important.
- [58:40]
C
I mean, that's even such a good lesson, too. And to not instilling a sense of, like, perfectionism. You can fail, you will fail. It's going to happen. That's part of life, and it's okay, and you can recover from it. And here's a really awesome way you can do that. I think that's so huge. It's so funny as you're saying that, and I know it's not at all on the same level at all, but. But I relate to our puppy in such similar ways sometimes, too, where he's such a mirror, and there are moments where I know he wants my presence, he wants my attention, he wants to play. He drops the toy directly in my face. Like, mom, I want you to look at me. I want you to play with me. And we'll play and play and play. And I'll get to a point where I'm like, okay, I have to, like, I gotta go work. I gotta go do something. And it, like, guts you. You're like, oh, I can tell they really want this from me. And it's such a pure like. Like, they just want to connect. They just want to be seen. And I'm going to have to set the boundary and walk out. And I'm like, oh, I feel so awful. Like, I don't want him to feel rejected or lonely or whatever. And my family's like, he's the dog. He's going to be resilient. He'll figure it out, he'll smell something else, and he'll be fine in five minutes. But there's that playing out of my own. It's almost a way of I'm projecting onto the dog of, like, I don't want to feel abandoned or rejected, so I don't want him to feel it. And so that way, it's really hard for me to do it to him.
- [60:01]
A
Yeah, totally. And doing it from that conscious place of, like, if we're only repeating the opposite of what we didn't get as kids, or, you know, if we're only trying to, like, counterbalance something versus doing it from an aware place of, like, that same motivation of like, I need to walk away. I need. You're crying and you're at school, but I know you're safe. I understand. You may not think you're safe, but you will learn, and you are safe versus, like, I can't ever learn. Let him cry. Or I can't ever let him feel this sense of abandonment because I know I'm not. And, you know, I'm older than he is. I'm the parent versus if I never felt that security, I'm only going to be responding out of the trigger, out of the wound, instead of out of the healed place.
- [60:41]
C
Oh, my gosh, so true. And then you're repeating. Maybe not the abandonment piece, but maybe they don't have resiliency to be on their own. You know, it's causing a whole new problem if you don't. That inner part.
- [60:52]
A
Right, right.
- [60:54]
C
What is on your heart right now? What are you excited by? What are you curious by? What in this season of life is sparking your joy so much?
- [61:04]
A
Just being open to the unexpected feels really freeing and trusting. That yeah. Life does not have to look any certain way. There really is a freedom and trusting how your own story will play out and how your own life unfolds. And having taken this leap and being in a place that I have talked about for years and years and years of, I just need to live there. If that's all I could do is just live in Italy, I'd be so happy. But also knowing that that's not the end and feeling like, okay, I've done it, I've done it and now what? I'm excited to see that, like, oh, that's only the beginning for me of what life could look like and what could come. And just to enjoy being present, truly not having something else to attain or to work towards, but just enjoying the sweetness of life has been kind of renewed for me, especially with my son being over here. This place that I, when we were here for, you know, short terms, we visited a lot, but I was always so hyper aware of like we're only here for a short time, so I want to enjoy it all. And now that we live here, there's more of that, that reminder. But it's also easier to forget. I can just sit and be. I'm not striving to do anything. I'm not striving to prove myself to anybody. That is life. I don't want to miss what is right in front of me. And being present and still. The stillness piece, especially as it feels like the world is harder and harder to keep up with. There's so much that it's just impossible to hold it all. Continuing to practice a sense of, of stillness and carve that out and prioritize it, I feel like will only become more and more important and I don't want to lose that practice. And so I don't know if that like excites me that like, oh, the world is spiraling out of control. I'm excited to like continue to be still, but I think I see really clearly that that is a priority for me.
- [62:55]
C
It's necessary right now. Yeah, yeah, I so resonate with that too. Even manifesting our home over the last last year was like such a long term goal that I didn't think I'd be in a physical house. The symbolism of an actual physical house to me was such a childhood piece and then actually getting in it, it was like, oh yeah, life is still going to happen. You're still a human. You're still getting up for work every day and doing this and doing that. You just happen to be in like this an amazing setting and I had to almost digest it in a different way. And how I'm integrating it is those moments of presence. Let's just like sit here and just sit with the energy of this space, Sit with this moment, sit with this view, sit with this small pocket. Let's just be in the energy of it instead of like, okay, well, we got here and you know, here's the next goal I want to hit. It's like, no, no, no, take the medicine that's now in the place that you had been called to.
- [63:54]
A
Now is all we have. There's no coming or going. We always experience it right now. And it's easy at least for me to get distracted and miss that and so to constantly choose back. This right here is where we are, and that's where the magic and the juice and the love is. It's surprisingly easy for how hard it seems at times.
- [64:15]
C
Well, thank you so much. This is such an expansive episode and story and just your energy is so grounding and just like witchy and artsy. I'm like, I love. I'm like, I need to paint my nails now. I'm just so inspired.
- [64:31]
A
Thank you so much, Jessica. This was so fun and easy and very like minded. I appreciate being here.
- [64:42]
C
Hope you guys enjoyed that episode. And if you want to keep the magnetism flowing doing, I would pop in to our daily practice library or our deep imagining playlist and pop in a quick DI work on that neural reprogramming. Just listen to your gut, listen to your intuition and see what speaks to you and calls to you in this moment in time. I know I'm loving all the DI's in our magic Dark playlist. We also released long form binaural beats in there. I know a lot of you guys have been requesting that. So if you want to do those while journaling, they are the perfect soundtrack to help you drop into your deep subconscious into that theta state. It is made with theta frequencies so you can really, really access that brain pattern that helps you really get into all the subconscious belief systems and thoughts and bring that to the forefront so you can kind of work through them. I love listening to the binaural beats just to calm my nervous system or they're fantastic when I'm doing a journaling exercise with the TBM tools, so enjoy.