BITESIZE | 3 Life Lessons People Learn Too Late | Dr Gabor Maté #515

Summary

Episode Summary: BITESIZE | 3 Life Lessons People Learn Too Late | Dr Gabor Maté #515

Podcast: Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee
Host: Dr Rangan Chatterjee
Guest: Dr Gabor Maté
Release Date: January 24, 2025
Format: BiteSize Clip from Episode 440

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Introduction to Life Regrets

In this poignant BiteSize episode, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee is joined by esteemed physician, author, and speaker Dr. Gabor Maté. They delve into the profound life regrets often expressed by individuals nearing the end of their lives. Dr. Maté offers deep, thought-provoking insights into why these regrets occur and how they can be mitigated.

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1. Regret of Working Too Hard

Timestamp: [01:46] – [03:32]

Dr. Maté begins by discussing the common regret of overworking. He reflects on his personal experience as a physician, driven by a subconscious need to validate his existence, stemming from early childhood trauma.

Notable Quote:

"When you're driven to work too hard, you actually ignore what matters."
— Dr Gabor Maté [02:30]

He emphasizes that the drive to overwork often masks deeper emotional needs and leads individuals to sacrifice meaningful personal relationships and personal well-being for professional success. Dr. Maté highlights the importance of recognizing these unconscious motivations to prevent burnout and foster a more balanced life.

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2. The Desire to Be Happier

Timestamp: [03:32] – [05:28]

Dr. Maté explores the second regret: not allowing oneself to experience happiness and joy. He references "Winnie the Pooh" to illustrate the innate human capacity for play and present-moment awareness, which are often neglected in adulthood.

Notable Quote:

"Happiness just means being in the present and being allowed to have the capacity to play."
— Dr Gabor Maté [05:28]

He argues that true happiness stems from embracing the present moment and maintaining a playful, joyful outlook, rather than constantly striving for future achievements or validation.

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3. Regret of Not Maintaining Friendships

Timestamp: [05:54] – [07:43]

The discussion moves to the regret of losing touch with friends over time. Dr. Maté connects this to the earlier point about overworking, explaining that the relentless pursuit of career goals often comes at the expense of nurturing personal relationships.

Notable Quote:

"Nobody ever on their deathbed regrets not going to the office often enough. But they do regret the heart connection that they sacrificed."
— Dr Gabor Maté [06:00]

He emphasizes the fundamental human need for connection, belonging, and authentic relationships, urging listeners to prioritize these over material or professional gains.

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4. Regret as a Form of Perfectionism

Timestamp: [11:20] – [13:44]

Dr. Chatterjee introduces the concept of regret as a manifestation of perfectionism, advocating for a "no regrets" philosophy tempered with self-compassion. Dr. Maté agrees, describing chronic regret as a debilitating state that stems from a lack of self-forgiveness and an inflated ego.

Notable Quote:

"Regret is to dwell on the past, and what's the point? It's quite something to recognize that I did things that had I known differently, I would not have done the same way. That's just learning."
— Dr Gabor Maté [12:19]

He encourages viewing past actions as learning experiences rather than failures, fostering personal growth and resilience.

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5. The Finite Nature of Life vs. Longevity Obsession

Timestamp: [07:43] – [08:58]

Dr. Chatterjee and Dr. Maté discuss society's increasing obsession with longevity and extending lifespan, questioning whether this pursuit detracts from appreciating life's inherent beauty and finite nature.

Notable Quote:

"What really matters is what makes life meaningful and active and engaged in the present moment."
— Dr Gabor Maté [08:58]

Dr. Maté criticizes the longevity movement as a reflection of deep social anxiety, advocating instead for a focus on healthspan—maintaining vitality and independence throughout life—over mere lifespan extension.

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6. Embracing Curiosity Over Regret

Timestamp: [14:06] – [15:10]

In concluding remarks, Dr. Maté emphasizes the power of curiosity in overcoming regret. He suggests that compassionate self-inquiry, rather than self-judgment, can lead to greater self-awareness and the ability to make better choices moving forward.

Notable Quote:

"The key phrase is the necessity to be curious in a compassionate way... curiosity is the word."
— Dr Gabor Maté [14:07]

This approach fosters an environment where individuals can learn from their past without being burdened by it, paving the way for personal evolution and fulfillment.

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7. Reflections on Aging and Self-Acceptance

Timestamp: [15:10] – [16:12]

As the conversation wraps up, Dr. Maté reflects on aging with a sense of ease and acceptance. He notes a personal softening and increased inner peace, contrasting this with society's often dismissive view of aging.

Notable Quote:

"I'm more... there’s not a struggle against just the beingness of things."
— Dr Gabor Maté [15:25]

He highlights the importance of embracing each stage of life with grace and understanding, recognizing that growth is not just a physical process but an internal, emotional journey.

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Conclusion

This episode of Feel Better, Live More provides invaluable insights into the common regrets people harbor as they reflect on their lives. Dr. Gabor Maté's compassionate and profound analysis encourages listeners to prioritize meaningful relationships, embrace present-moment joy, and approach life with curiosity rather than judgment. By doing so, individuals can lead more fulfilled and balanced lives, free from the debilitating effects of regret.

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For Full Discussions:
To delve deeper into these topics, listeners are encouraged to tune into the full episode #515 of Feel Better, Live More.

Stay Connected:
Follow Dr. Rangan Chatterjee on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook for more insights and updates.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Yeah, that's an interesting one. If I were to choose to live my life over again, I wouldn't live it in this way. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. And what I wasn't aware of when I went to medical school and when I was a physician for decades is how driven I was to justify my existence in the world and to prove that I was important and worthwhile and so on. And that had to do with the loss of those that confidence owing to early childhood trauma. When you're driven to work too hard, you actually ignore what matters. And what matters is what you were telling me last night about how much it matters for you to spend time with your family. So every summer you take a bunch of weeks away from your podcast and you just spend time enjoying your kids and your wife and your family. And I didn't do that. For me, it was very hard to even take holidays. I always felt I had to keep working. If somebody was pregnant, my God, what if I would miss their delivery? Like the baby couldn't enter the world without me, you know. So that drivenness is what makes people work too hard. And so nobody says I wish I hadn't worked hard to achieve something in life, you have to work hard. What makes you work too hard, and that's what these people are saying, is you're driven by something that you're not even aware of. And that, too part. The to part comes from being driven by unconscious needs to validate your existence. Where. Why should any human being have to validate their existence? And so not a matter of working hard. It's a matter of working too hard. And where does that come from? Again? That comes from childhood trauma.

[A]

The fifth one is I wish I'd let myself be happier.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What does that say?

[B]

Well, do you know Winnie the Pooh?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Not personally.

[B]

The book. It's always one of my favorite books. The end of that book would bring tears to my eyes for years. Because how it ends is Christopher Robin, the little boy, now has to go to school, and he's telling his friends, the toy animals that he won't be able to play with them so much anymore. And in the end, Christopher and Muni, the bear of little brain, who's the smartest of the whole lot, and they walk off together. And the book ends with the statement something like. And whatever they do or wherever they go in the Enchanted Forest, the little boy and his bear will always be playing together. And that phrase would bring tears to my eyes for years. Because play is so important and joy is so important. And that's what these people are talking about. And they did not allow themselves to experience it. They sacrificed the play and the joy for all these other things. I believe what's being described in that last regret is people sacrifice their playfulness, their joyfulness for the sake of being accepted and being successful and all that. It's a huge one. Play is built into our brains. Kids play spontaneously. Infants play. And in that sense, we can all be Winnie the Pooh and Christopher, Robbie. We can always keep playing in the Enchanted Forest. And that's just essential, I think, in.

[A]

That regret is the word happier.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What does happiness mean to you.

[B]

Really? It means the capacity to play and to be in the present moment. And, you know, the kids, when kids play, they're just playing in the moment. They're fully present to themselves in imaginative, almost hypnotically imaginative states. So happiness just means being in the present and being allowed to be, no matter what, to have the capacity to play.

[A]

Yeah. Fourth regret. I wish I stayed in touch with my friends.

[B]

Yeah. Well, what we're talking there is. And it goes back to the others about working too hard. You know, for example, what are they discussing? There is the need for attachment, for connection, for belonging. And what these people are saying is I was too driven by whatever factors impelled me to ignore my personal relationships and to put my attention on things that ultimately don't matter. My acquisition, my attainment, my achievement, rather than the heart to heart human contact with people that matter to me. And again, people are driven to be that way. And when they look back on their life, they regret it. Because nobody, it's often been said, nobody ever on their deathbed regrets not going to the office often enough. But they do regret the heart connection that they sacrificed. One of my books, when the Body says no, that's the title. And in the Myth of Normal, there's a chapter called before the Body says no. Where in your life where you're not saying no, where there's a no that wants to be said, but you're not saying it for the sake of pleasing others. Can you just consider that one? Because that simple issue of not saying no can play havoc with your health. Because if you're not saying no when you wanted to say no, you're actually suppressing yourself and then you're taking on more stress and more burden.

[A]

Yeah. You seem to be someone who has this love of life, this vigor, this message you want to share. You seem to be traveling all over the globe, but a lot of 80 year olds are not doing that right? And the longevity space within medicine has really exploded over the last few years. People love talking about longevity, right? Yes. Some people want to know, how can I not necessarily live longer, but be independent, mobile, vital as long as I live? So health span versus lifespan. And I get that. But there's a lot of talk these days about extending lifespan living to 150 and beyond and all kinds of crazy. And one of my fears is that in pursuit of living longer, are we missing something about the beauty and the essence of what life really is? Life is finite. The fact that it's finite is what makes it so beautiful. If we could live to 200, would we have even more of these regrets? Because we'd keep taking life for granted.

[B]

You know what? You're talking my language because to tell you the truth, to coin a phrase, all this stuff about longevity bores me to death, you know, I just don't care, you know, what really matters is what does this moment bring us? Or what can we bring to this moment? You know, let the future take care of itself. You know, like Jesus says, take no thought for tomorrow. You know, And I really think that this longevity movement is a sign of deep Social anxiety, when especially you get these rich people in California with their cryo technology of freezing the body, hoping that 100 years from now they'll be able to. I'm frozen. And there'll be treatments for the. You know, it bores me. You know, what really matters is, for me is what makes life meaningful and active and engaged in the present moment. And it's interesting, in English, we talk about growing older. We could just say, like you said earlier, get older, which is just the chronological progression, or growing older implies that this growth is actually possible. So in what sense can we actually grow? And I think actually we can actually grow into the present moment and growing in our appreciation for life and what matters and knowing what doesn't matter and growing in wisdom. Indigenous cultures, they don't talk about elderly. They talk about elders. The huge difference. So I think there's a natural reverence for age that senior cultures would respect and modern society kind of dismisses, you know. Now, do I wish that my hair was blacker and more curly the way it used to be? Yeah, I do. You know, and it wasn't gray and my hair wasn't thinning at the top. And sure, I wish that. But at the same time, I would not want to be as unconscious as I was when my hair was blacker and curlier, you know?

[A]

Yeah. We've been talking a lot about these regrets, the regrets of the dying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the final question I want to put to you is about the word regret. I have been playing with the idea over the last 12 months or so that regret is actually a form of perfectionism. So I actually now very much subscribe to the philosophy of no regrets, but not in the kind of derogatory way I'm live my life. My way. It doesn't matter who comes to my way. No. With this really compassionate understanding that I've always done the best that I can based upon where I was in life at that time. So even the things that I look back on and go, actually, you know what? If I was in that situation again today, I would act differently. I don't see them as regrets. I see them as situations that happen that have taught me something. Which is allowing me to be a better version of myself today.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

So in my life today, there is no room for regret anymore. And I guess I would love to know right at the end here, what's your perspective on the word regret?

[B]

I think chronic regret is debilitating. It's a lack of self forgiveness. It's also kind of egotism of that Somehow I'm that important. It's quite something to recognize. I do recognize that some of the way I parented my kids, the way I showed up. I've often talked about this on your program, too. Wasn't the best for them, but it was the best I could do at the time. So it's not a question of justifying anything, but it's also not dwelling on the past. Regret is to dwell on the past, and what's the point? It's quite something to recognize that I did things that had I known differently, I would not have done the same way. That's just learning. Regret is an emotional state that values the past more than the present and it accuse you as yourself of doing things for which you had no consciousness to do otherwise. So that's where I stand with you.

[A]

Go ahead. Yeah. Gabel, you know what a big fan I am of your work for someone who has heard us speak today. Something connected with them, something you said, spoke to them and they thought, wow, yeah, I don't express my emotions. I'm not living a life that is true to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are some of your final words for them?

[B]

Well, it's the word that you used, curiosity. So not why am I living this way, but why am I living this way? You know, what happened to me? What am I carrying here? So the key phrase is the necessity to be curious in a compassionate way. So you don't do an interrogation of yourself like you're a prosecuting detective. Why did you? Or why did you not? But compassionately, why did you not? Why did you? And if you ask these questions compassionately and with curiosity, the answers will emerge, as will the capacity for you to make different choices as you move forward. So where there wasn't choice before because you were compelled or driven, now you can have some freedom if you're willing to be curious. So curiosity is the word.

[A]

Yeah. Gabor, you're now 80 years old. Does it in some way change the way you see yourself or I guess reflect differently on who you are and where you are in your life?

[B]

On most days I can say this and not on every day, for sure, but it's a kind of ease has entered my life. Even with all that's going on in the world. I'm just sort of more. I don't struggle with the way things are so much. I may like them or not like them. I may react or not respond, but there's not a struggle against just the beingness of things. I'm certainly noticing that. And people I had a visitor a week ago who I hadn't seen for a few years and she says you've changed. And I said, oh yeah? She says you've become softer, you know, and if that's true, it's good. It's a sign of kind of loosening inside.

[A]

Hope you enjoyed that Bite sized clip. Do spread the love by sharing sharing this episode with your friends and family. And if you want more, why not go back and listen to the original full conversation with my guest. If you enjoyed this episode, I think you will really enjoy my Bite sized Friday email. It's called the Friday five and each week I share things that I do not share on social media. It contains five short doses of positivity, articles or books that I'm reading, quotes that I'm thinking about, exciting research I've come across, and so much more. I really think you're going to love it. The goal is for it to be a small yet powerful dose of feel good. To get you ready for the weekend, you can sign up for it free of [e-mail] Friday 5. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make sure you have pressed subscribe and I'll be back next week with my long Friday form conversation on Wednesday and the latest episode of Bite Science next Friday.