Summary5 min read

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee
Episode: BITESIZE | A Monk’s Guide To Finding Happiness & Cultivating Inner Peace | Haemin Sunim #595
Release Date: November 14, 2025
Guest: Haemin Sunim, Zen Buddhist Monk & Author

Episode Overview

In this bite-sized episode, Dr Rangan Chatterjee speaks with Haemin Sunim, a renowned Zen Buddhist monk and bestselling author, about simple yet profound ways to find happiness and nurture inner peace. Drawing from Buddhist philosophy and his practical guide, Sunim explores how shifting our attention from external validation to inner intentions, letting go of control, practicing healthy solitude, and cultivating meaningful connections can enrich modern life. The conversation is warm, practical, and filled with actionable insights for anyone seeking greater contentment and balance.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Don’t Ask What Others Have Said About You

(02:27 – 06:16)

Haemin’s Wisdom: Many people, especially when younger, worry excessively about others’ opinions. But as we mature, we realize “[o]ther people are not really thinking about us that much… when people are talking about me, they are essentially talking about themselves because… what they have witnessed, it resonates with them, their own experience.” (B, 02:27)
Beginner’s Mind: Instead of seeking external approval, Sunim advises returning to your own intention—asking why you began your journey or work in the first place and focusing on serving others.
Dr Chatterjee’s Take: He reflects, “What other people think of you is none of your business… The key is not don’t care about what others have said about you. You say, don’t even ask. Right. I love that.” (A, 05:09)
Letting Go: Neither caring nor inquiring about others’ opinions frees your mind and energy for your true calling.

2. Let Go of Things Outside Your Control & People-Pleasing

(06:16 – 08:38)

On Control: Sunim reminds listeners, "We have no control over how other people think of us... simply recognizing the impossibility of controlling other people's [opinions] frees us from all the psychological stress.” (B, 06:36)
People-Pleasing: Chatterjee connects this to "people pleasing," explaining, “The underlying energy behind people pleasing is often I'm trying to control what other people think of me… But… it comes at a huge cost because you're no longer being yourself.” (A, 07:05)
Be Your Own Validator: Instead of seeking external validation, Sunim suggests, “Write down all the wonderful things that you have done… celebrate your own achievement.” (B, 07:55)

3. Self-Validation and Acknowledging Achievement

(08:38 – 10:29)

Practicing Self-Gratitude: Chatterjee notes it’s like “gratitude, but it’s gratitude for yourself.”
Sunim elaborates: “Imagine myself five years ago or 10 years ago… my younger self wouldn’t have believed what I said [about my achievements].” (B, 09:05)
Practical Exercise: Send yourself a daily message listing things you’ve done for others or positive contributions, as a way to reaffirm your worth during low moments. (A, 09:41)

4. Happiness Through Connection, Not Self-Obsession

(10:29 – 13:46)

Moving Beyond ‘Me Focus’: Sunim shares, “When we think less about ourselves, that's when we become happier… there is no guarantee that we will be happy [by seeking self-happiness alone]. However, if you are making other people happy… you'll be sure to be happier.” (B, 10:32)
Connection Is Key: Connection to others, nature, or community restores meaning and well-being.
Microconnections: Dr Chatterjee describes gaining “a real boost” just by chatting briefly with supermarket staff—it’s the little social moments that can lift us. (A, 12:15)
Balance Needed: Both agree it’s important not to neglect your own needs but not to become self-obsessed. Haemin’s tip: stay tuned to your body's feelings to know when to give and when to rest. (B, 14:23)

5. The Value of Solitude and ‘Sacred Space’

(14:45 – 20:38)

Solitude for Restoration: Dr Chatterjee: “A daily practice of solitude is probably the most valuable thing [people] can invest in,” giving space for reflection and self-nourishment. (A, 14:45)
Haemin’s Practice: “I often go out to my local park without bringing my cell phone… giving myself maybe 30 minutes or one hour just alone… This gives us a sense of peace and also connection to nature.” (B, 16:09)
Nature & Reflection: Being alone in nature reduces rumination, making stresses feel smaller in the context of the wider world. (B, 17:03)
Creating a Sacred Space: In cities, Sunim recommends finding or creating a ‘sacred space’—a favorite nook, coffee shop, tree, or even a special room at home—for inner peace. (B, 18:23; 20:01)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Opinions:

“Other people are not really thinking about us that much.”
— Haemin Sunim (02:27)
On Beginner’s Mind:

“Remember why you got into this profession, you know, why you are doing things… because as you are working… there will be a lot of criticism… But insofar as helping others… that’s where the meaning of our lives arise.”
— Haemin Sunim (03:47)
On Self-Validation:

“Rather than trying to earn other people’s positive opinions of you, see if you can first become a validator.”
— Haemin Sunim (07:55)
On Happiness:

“When we think less about ourselves, that’s when we become happier… if you are making other people happy, then… you’ll be sure to be happier.”
— Haemin Sunim (10:32)
On Human Connection:

“It’s amazing. Just five minutes of interaction with people you don't know well… I feel like I’ve had this real boost of feel good.”
— Dr Rangan Chatterjee (12:15)
On Solitude:

“A daily practice of solitude is probably the most valuable thing they can invest in… it’s time where you can nourish yourself and reflect.”
— Dr Rangan Chatterjee (14:45)
On Sacred Space:

“If you can just find those spots and go there again and again… that place becomes your sacred space.”
— Haemin Sunim (18:23)

Timestamps for Key Segments

Don’t Ask What Others Have Said About You – [02:27–06:16]
Let Go of Control & People-Pleasing – [06:16–08:38]
Self-Validation & Celebrating Yourself – [08:38–10:29]
Happiness Through Connection – [10:29–13:46]
The Sweet Spot of Caring for Self & Others – [13:46–14:45]
The Importance of Solitude – [14:45–16:59]
Nature, Solitude & Perspective – [16:59–18:00]
Cultivating Sacred Space – [18:00–20:38]

Conclusion

This insightful conversation distills Buddhist wisdom into manageable, modern life practices. Haemin Sunim’s gentle yet powerful reminders encourage listeners to let go of others’ judgements, validate themselves, balance giving and self-care, and regularly seek restoration through solitude and meaningful spaces.

Share these lessons with others and start small—one gesture of self-acknowledgment, a brief moment of solitude, or a tiny act of kindness could be the key to greater peace and happiness.

Loading summary

Transcript29 lines

[00:01]
A
Today's bite sized episode is sponsored by the brand new updated formulation of AG1, the daily health drink that has been in my own life for over six years now. This is the time of year when our immune systems are under the most pressure. It's natural to look for extra ways to support our immune defenses, but most people don't want to juggle multiple pills. They want something simple, effective and easy to stick with. AG1 is a daily health drink that provides key immunity supporting nutrients, vitamin C, vitamin A, zinc and selenium, all of which contribute to the normal function of the immune system. These nutrients are included in highly bioavailable forms, meaning they are much easier for the body to absorb and use. And the best thing of course is that all this goodness comes in one convenient, tasty daily serving. And right now I have a very special limited time offer for you. You can get a free welcome kit worth over $70 including canister and shaker and you get six flavor travel packs, two citrus, two berry and two tropical with your first subscription. To take advantage go go to drinkag1.comlivemore welcome to feel Better Live More Bite Size your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend. Today's clip is from episode 476 of the podcast with Buddhist monk Haemin Sunim. Hae Min is a Zen Buddhist teacher and the author of of two Sunday Times best selling books including the beautiful When Things Don't Go your Way, Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times. In this clip he shares some of his top tips and practical insights to live a better life. You also write in the book about three tips for a better life. The first one of those tips is the don't ask what others have said about you. Great tip. Can you explain why you recommend that.
[02:27]
B
When we are young we tend to think about we are so concerned about how other people are saying things about me. But as we get older and older and we become wiser, that is, they don't really think about me that much, you know, because I don't think about them, you know, that often, even if I do, it's not for a long period of time. We just tend to just assume that everybody is looking at me and judging me and think about how, you know, my clothing is not good or the way I talk is not good or whatever. But that's not true. You know. Essentially we really do not know about other people other than our own experience. What happens is that when we try to understand other people, we bring our own experience onto that so when people are talking about me, they are essentially talking about themselves because they are that particular part, you know, what they have witnessed, it resonate with them, their own experience, and thereby they want to talk about that particular aspect of you. So although it sounds as though they are talking about them, it often if you actually listen, they are talking about themselves. So rather than caring so much about what other people are saying about you, just get in touch with your own intention. You know, first, in Buddhism we call the beginner's mind. Remember why you got into this profession, you know, why you are doing things, you know, in the first place, because as you are working, I'm sure there will be a lot of criticism. A lot of people will say this is not right and that is not right. But insofar as helping others, serving other people, I'm sure that's where the meaning of our lives arise. So if you can just get in touch with that. I am doing things to help other people and certainly there will be other people may misconstrue.
[04:58]
A
Yeah.
[05:00]
B
However, you know, insofar as your intention is still pure, then I think you can just continue to do your work.
[05:09]
A
Yeah. What I really like about that tip, because it really, really resonated and I think the reason is in the past, I very much would have wanted to know what other people were saying about me. If I heard something at work or something, I'd want, well, who said what? Who said that? Did they understand this? And until I read that yesterday in your book, I hadn't realized how much that had changed for me when. It's this idea, isn't it, that what other people think of you is none of your business. They're entitled to think whatever they want to. And I think the key for that is not don't care about what others have said about you. You say, don't even ask. Right. I love that. Don't even ask. You don't even need to know. Why do you need to know? I reckon there's so many people who'll be listening to that will go, I always want to know what people are saying, who said what. But how does that even help you? It just gets you dragged down into this negative mindset. You've just got to act as much as you can in accordance with your values. And if you do that, how other people interpret it, it's kind of up to them, isn't it?
[06:17]
B
Right. And we have no control over how other people think of us. You know, what they are saying about us, we have no control.
[06:26]
A
Well, that Speaks to the third one there. Three tips for a better life. I've just mentioned the first one. The third one in those three is let go of things outside your control. Why is that so important for people?
[06:37]
B
I think we assume that somehow we can control other people's, you know, how they think, especially, you know, how they think about ourselves. But we cannot simply recognizing the impossibility of controlling other people's that frees us from all the psychological stress and struggle that we are feeling.
[07:06]
A
In English, we have a term called people pleasing. And I think that very much speaks to this idea. We. I think the underlying energy behind people pleasing is often I'm trying to control what other people think of me. I'm trying to behave in certain ways so that people like me, they accept me, and we have a desire as humans for that connection. We want other people to like us. But I guess people pleasers or excessive people pleasers, actually it is a form of control. You're trying to control what other people think of you and it comes at a huge cost because you're no longer being yourself in order to be liked by others.
[07:55]
B
Right? And you are neglecting your own needs, your own desire at the same time. So I would say that rather than trying to earn other people's positive opinions of you, see if you can first become a validator. We look for outside validations. However, if you can just be your own validator, that is to write it down all the wonderful things that you have done for the last, I don't know, several years, then actually celebrate your own achievement.
[08:38]
A
So that sounds like another practical tip for people, right? Because we are living in a time when many people are struggling with happiness, they're struggling with their moods, they're struggling with the state of the world, as you say, things outside their control a lot of the time. And we've mentioned quite a few practical things that people can do, but this one sounds like a new one. It's kind of like gratitude, but it's gratitude for yourself. Is that a fair way to describe it? Yes.
[09:06]
B
And celebrate your own achievement. We tend to just downgrade what we have done and imagining that, oh, this was nothing of being just humble or just we took it for granted. However, if we can say, hey, let's imagine myself five years ago or 10 years ago, if I had known that I would have achieved this, this amount of things for the next 10 years, then I'm sure my younger self wouldn't have believed what I said.
[09:41]
A
So that could be something we text ourselves each day as well. Couldn't it? We could send ourselves a message. So when we're feeling down or we feel that we're worthless and we've got nothing to contribute, actually you can look at that list and go, oh, I made sure my friend was okay when he was struggling. I went around and brought my neighbor some shopping when they broke their leg and they couldn't get out. You know, and whatever it might be, you just, you're putting those deposits in the bank of saying, no, I am someone who's worthy. I am someone who actually is contributing to this world. I've seen so many patients over the years who really, really struggle with their mood, with things like depression and anxiety and a lot of the time they become really me focused. They're stuck in their own heads.
[10:30]
B
Yes.
[10:30]
A
Yeah, maybe speak to that.
[10:32]
B
Yes. You know, when we think less about ourselves, that's when we become happier. That's another important lessons. I think if we are trying very hard to make ourselves happy, then there is no guarantee that we will be happy. However, if you are making other people happy, then there is, you know, you'll be sure to be happier. This is like, you know, beautiful Buddhist teaching by Shantideva. And I think we should remember that just by trying to make myself happy and we think this is going to bring me happiness. Yes, it is important to do self care, but at the same time we also have to remember we live in this interconnected web of reality. So when my child or my mother, my wife is happy, then of course it's going to influence my own happiness. And if I do volunteer work for the in homeless people in Korea, when I do that, there's a feeling of meaning in my life. When I do that, I generally become a lot happier after 2, 3 hours of volunteer work. So connection is another key ingredient for happiness. When we feel connected to nature, when we feel connected to another human being, that's when we feel happy.
[12:15]
A
Yeah, I know for me, sometimes if I'm not having the best day and I go to the local supermarket, I could feel amazing afterwards. I'm a very chatty person. So if I'm at the supermarket, I'll be chatting to the people who work there and the cashier and things. And it's amazing. Just five minutes of interaction with people who you don't know well. Right. They're not like your close friends or your family, but you might see them from time to time on the way, walking home or on the way up to my car in the car park. I feel like I've had This real boost of feel good. And that's how simple improving our mental well being can be from time to time, can't it? You can't do it if you're stuck at home in your own head just, just scrolling the lives of other people on social media. You have to get in the real world and interact with someone else no matter how small. It is incredible what kind of impact that has on our, you know, on the way that we feel, isn't it?
[13:21]
B
Yes. It will get you out of your own self obsessive thinking mind as we move away from me, me, me, me and then actually pay attention to people around us and making these micro connections here and there remind us how connected we are to the world. And when we feel the connection we become happier.
[13:46]
A
You mentioned, I think a really key point which is we're looking for that sweet spot. We're not looking to neglect our own needs and do everything for everyone else at the expense of ourself. Nor are we trying to go to the other extreme where everything is me focused. I don't care about anyone else as long as I'm meditating and I'm walking and I am doing what I need to do for me. And I think that is a sweet spot that many people struggle to find. Do you have any tips on how they can get the right balance between self care and doing things for others?
[14:23]
B
Again, I will check with my body. When I feel extremely tired helping other people, then it is time for me to take good care of my body myself. So it's important to just turning in and feel how your body is feeling at that moment.
[14:46]
A
Yeah, that speaks to me about the importance of solitude. And solitude is something I talk a lot about and I write a lot about because I feel very strongly that in this modern 21st century world where many stroke, most people feel chronically stressed and overloaded and they don't feel they have time to do all the things that they want to do for themselves. I feel that a daily practice of solitude is probably the most valuable thing they can invest in because it's that time by yourself, whether it's to do a body scan or to write down three things you're grateful for. Whatever it might be, it's time where you can actually nourish yourself and actually reflect on your life and know if you have to make changes or not. Now you write about solitude in this new book and you specifically say this one who knows how to enjoy time by themselves without depending on others, is a free person having a lot of time does not in and of itself make a person free. So can you speak to that? Can you speak to the importance of solitude and why so many people struggle to be okay just with themselves and why it's so important that we cultivate that skill?
[16:10]
B
I often go out to my local park without bringing my cell phone, you know, just giving myself maybe 30 minutes or one hour just alone, without being constant connected to other people. This gives us a sense of peace and also connection to nature. And as we are feeling nature and also how my body is feeling, and then witnessing beauty of nature, the sound of birds, the trees and flowers and all of that, it kind of restore our sense of balance, you know, it restore what it means to be me.
[16:59]
A
Is that the nature doing it, or is it the time alone? Or is it both?
[17:04]
B
I think it's both. You know, they have such a powerful restorative, you know, power just being alone. But at the same time, out in nature, oftentimes we think about something and this stresses us out. However, if we are outside, it feels like your thought is still there, but it's little. You feel like in this great context of amazing nature, it's just a little thing, as opposed to if you're sitting in front of your desk, in front of your computer and just ruminating about this stressful event that you have to think about, then it feels like that is a huge something that you cannot overcome. So I think it's very important that we can just spend some time alone in nature.
[18:00]
A
You've been a practicing Buddhist monk for over two decades. I think 25 years. Are there some common practices that you recommend time and time again to people? Like practices that have stood the test of time and always make a difference, no matter what? Whether someone lives in Korea, the UK or America? And if so, what are they?
[18:23]
B
In my new book, I talk about the importance of having your own sacred space. You know, you might be living in a huge city, like in London or Manchester or New York, but if you can find little corner, like a little nook, you know, of your, I don't know, favorite bookshop or coffee shop, or on the tree, your favorite tree, in a public park or church or mosque or in a temple somewhere, you feel relaxed and can enjoy the moment. Or in front of your favorite painting in your local museum, if you can just find those spots and go there again and again, and that place becomes your sacred space. So although the city that you live, you may feel this is kind of impersonal and overwhelming, but by having those sacred space personalize your daily experience and you actually enjoy being alone in that space.
[19:40]
A
Is it important that that space is outside the place where you live? Or could it be a particular room in your house or your apartment? You know, because just trying to broaden it out. If someone feels that they can't get out, can you. Can you also get that relaxation and restoration in your place of residence?
[20:01]
B
I think it's possible. You know, you just create in a special corner. If you are a meditator, for example, you can just make it one corner in your room and this is where I'm going to sit and meditate. But at the same time I think it's nice to have somewhere not exactly your workspace but also not exactly your home. Somewhere in between and where you can go and just be yourself and just relax. This can be another thing we can all do.
[20:39]
A
Yeah Hope you enjoyed that Bite Sized clip. Do spread the love by sharing this episode with your friends and family. And if you want more, why not go back and listen to the original full conversation with my guest. If you enjoyed this episode, I think you will really enjoy my Bite Sized Friday email. It's called the Friday five and each week I share things that I do not share on social media. It contains five short doses of positivity, articles or books that I'm reading, quotes that I'm thinking about, exciting research I've come across, and so much more. I really think you're going to love it. The goal is for it to be a small yet powerful dose of feel good. To get you ready for the weekend, you can sign up for it free of charge@drchattery.com Friday 5. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make sure you have pressed subscribe and I'll be back next week with my long form conversational Wednesday and the latest episode of Bite Science. Next Friday.