Co-host (4:24)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (4:25)

And if you start to realize that, my God, it's not about failing at all. It's about the opinions of what other people are going to say about me, what must be true about me in the eyes of other people. If I go after something and I look stupid or it doesn't work out, or it's a giant eye roll to everybody. So you're not afraid of failing at all. You're afraid that other people's opinions will be that you're a failure. And when you go deep like that and you realize, wait, well that stinks because number one, I'm never gonna be able to control what other people think. And I'm allowing that fear of something I can't control. Cause people are gonna think whatever they're gonna think about you, they're gonna have whatever opinions. Half of em are so consumed in their own lives they're not even paying attention to what you're doing anyway. But you're allowing that fear. Yeah, I mean, this is one of the reasons why a lot of people who wanna learn how to make money online, or who wanna learn how to do something with social media, or who wanna learn how to market themselves or put themselves out there, don't do it. Yeah, it's because of this nagging sense that if I were to take this risk, if I were to make this change, that other people are gonna think something and that makes me a failure.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (5:47)

It's so Powerful. Mel, there is actually a story in your book about Molly, your friend, the interior designer, that really kind of speaks to this.

Mel Robbins (5:56)

Yeah. So this is a story about. And look, here's my belief. You and I share this belief in the limitless potential that you have inside you to change your life.

Co-host (6:07)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (6:08)

You have fundamentally changed who you are, how you live your life, the way that your life looks, your career over the past decade.

Co-host (6:17)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (6:18)

I've done the same thing over the last 15 years. There is not a chance in hell that you could come up with a excuse or a reason that would make me say, you're right. You have no power here. You're right. There's nothing you can do. There's always something you can do. And oftentimes what I've found in my own life is that I've spent so much time and energy looking at whatever everyone else is doing that I am not paying attention to what is within my control, which is my actions, how I spend my time, my response to things, what I do, what I don't do. And so that brings us to the story about Molly. The experience that I'm about to explain is a universal feeling.

Co-host (7:02)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (7:03)

So Molly, not a real name. She calls me one night and she's all upset about something. I'm like, what's wrong? And there is a woman that is in her friend group, and it's not really a woman that Molly's good friends with. It's a woman that's kind of annoying. She's a little overbearing, a little bit of a bragger. And she has now gotten into the design business, and Molly has gotten her certifications. Molly has been in business for 10 years, and now their whole friend group is just going on and on and on about how talented this is irritating woman is who's not even a real designer. She, of course, checks out the woman's website, checks out the woman's social media. It's beautiful, by the way. These photos are her house. And she didn't even decorate her house. And so Molly loses her mind. And here's the point of the story. For years, Molly has known that she needs to get serious about marketing her business better. For years, Molly has been talking about updating her website. She hasn't done it. And now all of a sudden, this irritating woman comes along, and she is doing the exact thing that Molly has been stopping herself from doing.

Co-host (8:22)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (8:24)

And this is very important because when Molly was like, what should I do? You know, Is she gonna steal my clients? Like, everybody thinks she's a better designer again. Now I'm worried about people's opinions about this woman versus me. I'm also mad at myself because I'm seeing somebody who I know has no advantage, no trust fund, no special anything. And now I don't have any excuses because if this chick can do it, there's nothing stopping me but me. And so she's like, what should I do? I'm like, you should pick up the phone and thank her. Because this irritating woman is in your life for a reason. She is there to stir something up inside of you that you need to recognize that your excuses are bs, that you can find time, you can figure this out. The fact that you're angry and jealous of this person actually means that this matters to you. So it's time to get out of your way. It's time to stop with the excuses, and. And it's time to just make a plan and figure this out. And it brings me to a point, Dr. Chatterjee, that was so life changing to me because when I was in my 20s, 30s, and even into my 40s, I was a walking red flag as a friend because I hadn't done enough work internally. And when you're insecure about yourself, when you are in a state of struggle or lack, you cannot give other people what you do not have to give to yourself. And so I was the kind of person, Dr. Chatterjee, where, you know, I would see somebody else winning in life, and I was jealous. I could not authentically be happy for somebody. Even the people that I love, even the people that I know work hard, even the people that I know deserve it because I was in such a state of lack. And what was interesting to me about this story about Molly and learning the let them theory and starting to use it in my life is that no one can take anything that's meant for you. No one can. Only you can do that to yourself. See this woman that all of a sudden starts posting beautiful things on social media and starts a design business and is doing all these things that you've talked yourself out of doing. She's not taking anything from you.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (10:44)

Exactly.

Mel Robbins (10:44)

I never knew that. See, I would see somebody else's wins as my loss. And here's the message that I have about other people's success. Number one, other people will never block your way. They lead the way. If somebody else has a beautiful kitchen or a brand new podcast, or they've got a wonderful relationship with their kids, or they've turned their health around and they've lost a bunch of weight. That means you can do it too.

Co-host (11:10)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (11:11)

But if you pour time and energy into watching them and to allowing your jealousy and your insecurity to consume you, you're wasting the very energy and time that you need to focus and wake up every day and chip away at working on the things that you want. And this is the biggest revelation. Like, you know, a lot of us don't feel like we have any power. And there were times in my life where I felt like I had zero power, too. But what I've come to realize is that you will never take control of your life until you stop trying to control everybody else's.

Co-host (11:50)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (11:51)

You will never feel powerful in your life until you stop giving your power away. And if you're sitting there listening to my voice right now, you're thinking, mel, I don't have any power. Baloney. You have so much power and currency. Your biggest power is your time and your energy and your health. And I'm gonna tell you something. Every time you try to control what somebody else thinks, or you worry about it, or you are frustrated by somebody's opinion, or you navigate your life around people's moods, or you make it your job to make everybody happy around you, you are focused on something that is outside of your control. And if you are spending time and energy on something that you'll never be able to impact, of course you're gonna doubt yourself. It's never gonna work. And so you're in this loop where by constantly thinking about what other people think, believe, do feel, all of your energy and power is going to other people, so you have none left for yourself. And then you've missed the single biggest truth about life. It was never over there. The power's in here. The power's in what you do, what you think, how you process your emotions. There's a different way to live. And the different way to live is to just let people. Let them have their thoughts, let them have their opinions, let them have their business and their success and their brand new kitchens. Let them have their disappointments and their expectations. Let them. Yeah, I gotta focus on me. Let me remind myself that I got power here because I can always control what I think, what I do, and how I process my emotions. And that's how I take responsibility for my life.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (13:36)

Yeah, that's the big theme for me in your book. It's responsibility. It's about agency. It's about a sense of control that we can take back if we've given it away. I mean, that's such a key Point, isn't it? One of the reasons we're so tired all the time is because we waste, and I use that word intentionally, we waste so much of our own internal energy on things outside our control, on the reactions and opinions of other people. And that Molly story, the reason I wanted to talk about it is because it's a universal story.

Mel Robbins (14:16)

And here's what I wanna say about that. First of all, you said the key word here, responsibility. Responsibility is just the ability to respond. That's what responsibility is. You take responsibility for your life by understanding that you are in control of your ability to respond to life.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (14:41)

That's the secret to life.

Mel Robbins (14:43)

That's the secret right there. And this is not a new idea, by the way. Like, I did not create the idea that what's happening around you does not need to happen to you. I did not create the idea that your power is not in trying to control out there. It's in trying to control in here. This is stoicism. This is Buddhism. This is Victor Frankl's man's search for meaning. And what I love about these two words, let them, is that it has all of its roots in this philosophy and truth that has been true about human beings and life since the beginning of time, which is anytime you try to control something that you can't control, it just creates stress and frustration for you. And the more you give up trying to control everything, the more control you gain. And I have spent my entire life getting sucked in. Well, I shouldn't even say sucked in, because that implies that somebody else pulled me in. I have spent my entire life pulling yourself in. Pulling myself in, allowing myself to be involved in people's drama, affected by people's moods, frustrated by things that I can't control, scared about what people are doing, scared about their opinions, all of which I can't control. And these two words, just saying let them, it was like discovering there's a completely different way to live, because there is when you learn how to detach. And this is another thing that the let them theory really is. If you understand detachment theory or radical acceptance, this is how you apply it in modern life. It's ancient wisdom and therapeutic modalities and some of the greatest spiritual teachings in a simple tool for a very frustrating and stressful moment in human history. So you can apply it. That's what this is. And so back to the Molly story. The interesting thing about jealousy is that I used to get consumed by jealousy. If I saw a group of people going away, I would be jealous. I wasn't invited. If I saw somebody else getting the promotion I thought I deserved, I would be jealous. If I saw somebody getting the better shift. If I was a waitress on Saturday night, I would be be jealous and frustrated. The thing about jealousy is that you can only be jealous of things that you actually want. And so if you're willing in those moments of jealousy and you're like, I'm jealous of that, well, let's go a layer deeper. Because what if jealousy didn't mean that there's something wrong with you? What if jealousy is a signal from your values that there's something important that you're ignoring that friend's brand new kitchen that you're happy for her, but you're super jealous about. Okay, good. Let's go underneath that.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (17:34)

I think one of the things people love about you, Mel, is how open you are. You share very openly. I think it's an old friend of yours, and they had the most beautiful house and your kids loved hanging out there. And you wanted to be happy, but you couldn't.

Mel Robbins (17:47)

Yes. I was so jealous. I mean, I'm like, have you ever had an experience, Dr. Chatterjee, where you and your wife, you pull into somebody's house, you're like, how do they have this much money? Like, the driveway's long. It's like they've got the playroom with, like four bunk beds, and you're like, no wonder my kids are always here.

Co-host (18:02)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (18:03)

And the thing about those moments is it's normal to feel that way. And it's normal to struggle with these conflicting emotions of being both happy for your friends that worked hard and who are awesome and deserve this stuff, but to then also feel sorry for yourself and really jealous. And so you, if you then can use, let them. Okay? Let them have a better house than me. Let them have the most amazing bunk room for the kids. Let them enjoy this. Now let me go to the let me part. Let me really ask myself, what exactly am I jealous of? What exactly is bothering me? Because I'm not jealous of somebody that has a penthouse in Dubai. I don't wanna live there. But for the things that are meant for you. I believe jealousy is a message from your future self. I believe jealousy is such a kind of frustrating emotion that it is trying to organize the energy and friction that you need inside yourself to actually wake up and recognize that where you are is not where you want to be, nor where you're meant to be.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (19:17)

I think some people get stuck there.

Mel Robbins (19:18)

Now, of course, I lived there for.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (19:20)

Decades in stage one. Without realizing. Okay, stage one, be honest with yourself. Don't try and pretend you're not feeling that, which is what I think a lot of people do. But then move to stage two. You call it. Let me. The way I hear it from you, it's kind of like you recognize it, spend a bit of time understanding what precisely is it about this person and their life. But Molly can apply the same thing with their interior designer business, right?

Mel Robbins (19:44)

Of course.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (19:45)

And then what can I now do about it?

Mel Robbins (19:47)

Correct. Because here's the thing. The let them theory is a very simple mindset tool and it is ultimately about control and freedom. That's what it's about.

Co-host (19:58)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (19:59)

One thing that you will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control is what another person believes, feels, thinks, says, or does. And so the let them theory is super simple. The first step is anytime anybody else, whether it's the government or it's traffic, or it's your boss's mood or it's your in laws, anytime anybody's behavior bothers you, just say let them. Because when you say let them, you are cueing to yourself, I recognize that I can't control the government. I can't control my mother in law's mood. I can't control what my boss is doing right now. I can't control what they have. Let them. I can't control the fact that there's traffic right now on a Monday morning, which is super stupid. While everyone's trying. Let them. Because if I can't control it, when I say let them, I'm putting up a boundary and I'm saying this isn't worth my time and energy. And then you say the second part, which is let me. And this is the more critical part. I think this is the more powerful part because let me. Every time you say let them, you separate yourself from allowing the world to impact you in a negative way. And you separate yourself from making it your responsibility to make other people happy or meet their expectations. And then when you say let me, you now cue yourself every time. Dr. Chatterjee, there's only three things in your control ever. It's what you think right now about what's happening. It's what you do or don't do. And we forget that not doing something is often the more powerful choice. And number three, you get to control how you react to your own emotions in this moment. Do they rise and fall? Do you breathe through it? Do you use your 3, 4, 5 breath and some of the tools that you talk about all the time and settle yourself or do you allow your emotions to run you over like a freight train and next thing you know, you said something you've regretted or you've spent 90 minutes? Have you ever written one of those emails where it's like, back, back, back, and you're like, best and then send and does nothing but keep you in a stressed out state? And so it really is a tool that you can use in endless ways to recognize when life is getting to you and that you're giving time and energy to something that you can't control. And you're now choosing to recognize it and say, let them. Which means you protect your time and energy. And then when you say, let me, you remind yourself, no matter how scary this is, no matter how tired I am, let me remind myself through my attitude, my actions, and my ability to process my emotions, I actually can make this a little better. I have power. I have choice.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (23:05)

Some people may say, well, is some of this a bit of toxic positivity? Right. Is you saying, let them. Someone's gonna criticize me. Let's say a member of the public. We're not talking about your family now.

Mel Robbins (23:16)

Or even the family.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (23:18)

Yeah, let them. It doesn't bother me.

Mel Robbins (23:20)

I didn't say it doesn't bother you. The reason why you have to say let them is because it does bother you.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (23:25)

Okay, so this is the key point because you're not saying ignore your emotions and just stoically move on.

Mel Robbins (23:33)

Nope. So here's the thing. The issue isn't caring. The issue is that you give more weight to your family's opinions than you give to your own. So the let them theory is not supposed to actually hurt your relationships. It's supposed to teach you the emotional maturity and the compassion and the confidence to be able to care about what somebody thinks, to care about why they may think that way, but to care more about the decisions that you make about how you're going to live your life. And again, learning this incredible skill that two things can be true at once.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (24:24)

Yeah, I love that.

Mel Robbins (24:25)

So the easiest way to start using the let them theory is to simply protect yourself from daily stressors. Like, you know, if you're standing in queue at a little market and there's two cashiers open, five people in front of you, and there's like tons of people around, but five other empty cashier register things, and it's like, beep, beep, beep.

Co-host (24:52)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (24:53)

What do you feel in your body? Yeah, you feel the flood of stress. And in that moment, if you're the old Mel Robbins. You would start rocking back and forth. You'd anxiously look at your phone. I'd turn around and roll my eyes at the person behind me. I'd get frustrated if I saw people working in the store, but they're not coming to the cashier. And here's what I've just done. I've allowed something stupid to put me in a fight or flight response and trigger the stress psychology in my body, which impacts me for the rest of the day. And I've also lost sight of something. I have control. Let them be slow, Let them run the store like this. And let me remind myself that I can leave.

Co-host (25:39)

Yeah.

Mel Robbins (25:40)

Instead of rocking back and forth, I could actually close my eyes and practice your 3, 4, 5 breath technique.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (25:47)

Yeah, anything you want. Once you realize that you have the power, that's the key. That's the key message in this book, right?

Mel Robbins (25:55)

Yes. And I would hear like people like you talking about what's possible when you really relax, when you really start taking care of yourself. And I will admit I had that thing, like I could get a little bit of that, but I didn't really understand what it meant to be in a body that feels calm and present. Like if you insulate yourself from those moments of stress that drain you, that just impact your health 12 word phrase at a time, you're actually protecting yourself from the things that are hurting your health.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee (26:32)

Yeah, I love it. I mean, as you say, there are echoes of stoicism, philosophy, religion, but what does that speak to? It speaks to the fact that this is a universal human truth. But I think what you've done so beautifully is by distilling it down to two very simple words. Two deceptively simple words. That's where the power comes. Thank you so much for listening. This episode was the last of the bite size of the season. If you are a longtime listener of my show, you will know that every summer I take a break from the podcast for six weeks. Why do I do that? Well, my wife produces each week's show. I spend a lot of time researching and having these conversations. And over the summer it's really important for us as a family to take some time off so we can really spend some quality undistracted time with our children over their summer break. There is one more long form conversations come next Wednesday. We finish off the season with a very special episode. Of course I'll be back at the very start of September with the Wednesday full length conversations and the Friday bite sized ones. If you have enjoyed my podcast, if you've enjoyed these bite sized episodes. I'd really appreciate your help in spreading the words. My request to you this summer is if you found my podcast useful, if you found it valuable in your own life, would you consider sharing an episode of this podcast with five different people? My goal with the information on the show each week is to inspire and empower as many people as I possibly can. And you guys can help me do that if you help me spread the word. Together we can help spread this message of positivity, compassion and health. Thank you so much for your support this season. I hope you have a good summer and I will see you at the start of September ready and raring to go.