B (1:52)

Yeah.

A (1:53)

How'd you guys meet?

B (1:56)

I was at a comedy show in called Hard Lemonade for you performing? Yeah, it was like a bunch of. It's actually a great show. Man, I miss doing that show.

A (2:07)

Do you live in la?

B (2:09)

I live here.

A (2:10)

Did she move here with you?

B (2:12)

Yeah, she had a dream that something bad was gonna happen in LA and wanted to move.

A (2:18)

That was her excuse.

B (2:20)

Well, it's not psychic. It's just a dream you should have if you live in la.

A (2:23)

Yeah. And then she moved here to be with you?

B (2:26)

No, no, we lived together already in la.

A (2:27)

Oh, okay.

B (2:28)

I used to live by, like, Runyon Canyon, kind of by. I forget the street. Hollywood and something, but right by Runyon and kind of by the Laugh Factory. A little bit in from that. And then it got. It was before the fire, so.

A (2:42)

So you guys have been together for three years. Have you had a lot of long term relationships?

B (2:47)

How many?

A (2:47)

What's a lot More than five.

B (2:51)

I mean, how. How much life do you have to live?

A (2:54)

I would say, what's long term?

B (2:55)

I guess.

A (2:56)

I guess that's a good question. I would say longer than two years.

B (3:01)

Let's see. I think like most of them I have, I. They either broke up pretty quick or they went like three years. I would say.

A (3:13)

Do you break up with people primarily or do they break up with you? M.

B (3:19)

It's like both. But even then, you know, somebody breaks up without saying anyway, whether you're the one that does it or not, don't they? I don't know. How many have you been in? A lot of. How old? First of all, you look young. So you haven't been in a lot of long term relationships? Younger than me, put it that way.

A (3:33)

How old are you?

B (3:34)

48.

A (3:35)

I am younger than you.

B (3:36)

Yeah.

A (3:38)

I'm 38 years.

B (3:40)

Just a child.

A (3:43)

Thank you. I need this dose of confidence today.

B (3:47)

Yeah. Is my advice.

A (3:49)

Mark Norman said that I'm just shriveled up and dying, basically.

B (3:53)

Well, that's how he gets. He negs, you see. Yeah, he's a sex. Sex addict. I mean, let's face it. I think he's reformed now and married and shit. But he's a real fucking tinder goblin for a while. Old Marky Mark. That's funny shit, though.

A (4:10)

So why. How did you. What is the number one reason you think for breakups in your life?

B (4:21)

Oh, that I had breakups.

A (4:22)

Like cheating? You just fell out of love. You didn't like the smell of their farts.

B (4:27)

I never had a breakup from cheating. No one's ever caught me. But no, it was all like. I don't know, we were just together a while and then like, if we were married, it would have been a divorce. But luckily we weren't married.

A (4:40)

Yeah. How do you primarily meet people? Dating apps. In person.

B (4:46)

I don't even remember before I did comedy how I met anyone. I guess did if I did. Really. The Lord provides. I don't, you know, it's got very little to do with me. God just decides and I go with it.

A (5:00)

Do you have a type?

B (5:02)

No. What is it? What is this luxury theater here? I don't have a type. I just cast my net and catch what I catch. Sometimes it's fresh young tuna, sometimes it's an old boot. It's a joke for my own.

A (5:16)

Do you have, you had more blonde or brunette girlfriends? Mmm.

B (5:23)

It'S, it's three to two. Brunette, I think. I don't know.

A (5:29)

Okay, well, your girlfriend now has massive boobs.

B (5:32)

I know. I was gonna say that.

A (5:35)

Seems like you have a tough time.

B (5:36)

You had an urge to ram your chest into her like a ram on a mountaintop.

A (5:39)

I had an urge to motorboat her. I was like, wow.

B (5:43)

Yeah, well, I' was never a big boob guy, but I mean, I, I, I like to, you know, not necessarily fixate on one part like a Japanese serial killer. So it's fine, you know.

A (5:53)

Yeah, I was just, I was, I'm in the feet.

B (5:56)

Can you imagine? That would be the grossest thing I could. Those are the tits of the, of the legs, basically the feet. I also, I didn't go on dates. Who the fuck goes on dates? It's like you like.

A (6:14)

What do you mean?

B (6:15)

I mean, after we were already fucking, we went on dates. But I don't remember meeting someone where like, I'm like, hi. It's the first time we've ever met. I've never done that.

A (6:23)

Where do you go when you go on a date? What do you like to do? Do you go to like a dive bar or a pipe shop in New York?

B (6:29)

In New York and probably here, but I don't imagine it's as potent of a date here. But it's still a good in New York though. Great date. First date shooting range, New York, midtown Manhattan. Some of the Europeans that can't play for with guns.

A (6:43)

Do you go to a gun range in New York?

B (6:45)

Yeah. That's a good date, man.

A (6:47)

Where is a gun range in New York?

B (6:49)

Well, I don't know if it's still there, but midtown and you will get laid if you do that. It's just a fact one girls are better shots naturally or some shit because they so I don't know, girls are like kind of good at it usually well out of the gate and has something to do with like, I don't know what, your pulse or something. I don't know, I don't care. And also the power of shooting a gun, it does do get you a little, you know.

A (7:16)

Yeah. A little hot and bothered.

B (7:17)

Yeah, well, I mean, look, I get hot and bothered from whatever, like it don't have to. We don't need to have the date.

A (7:25)

To get hot and bothered.

B (7:26)

Yeah, like I, you know, I'm in a long term relationship now. Go on a date every time we bang. Now you just get. You know. Who's got the time for all this?

A (7:33)

A lot of people. So do you like to go out to dinner?

B (7:37)

Yeah.

A (7:38)

Do you like steakhouses?

B (7:39)

Sure.

A (7:40)

What's your favorite kind of food?

B (7:44)

I don't. I don't know. Not. I don't know. Not filled with, like, whatever poison they put in our food. You know what? Like, not filled with hormones and shit. Whatever is, like, actual good quality. That's not, you know, a Bill Gates tumor. Meat fucking. You know, that new meat they make.

A (8:05)

Are you vegan?

B (8:06)

No. What are you. What the fuck?

A (8:09)

I just saying.

B (8:11)

No. Oh, my God. How annoying is that?

A (8:14)

What's your favorite restaurant.

B (8:18)

Of all time? I used to love this place, Minetta Tavern in the Village.

A (8:23)

Oh, I love Minetta Tavern.

B (8:25)

It's, like, my favorite.

A (8:26)

That's a really good restaurant. Have you ever been to Fort Char Charles?

B (8:29)

Where's that?

A (8:30)

It's in New York.

B (8:33)

No, but Minetta I used to love.

A (8:36)

If you like Minetta Tavern, you would really like four Charles?

B (8:39)

Yeah. Why? They got them big bone marrows you get. That's why I like the bone marrow that you get.

A (8:43)

I like the bone marrow, too. It's really cool. It's a cool restaurant, just in general. It's got, like, a real vibe to it.

B (8:47)

It was right by the Cellar, so it was handy to go to, and. Yeah. And then if I was gonna, like, go to a bar to just go to a bar, the one I liked was. There's a speakeasy not far from Minetta that has no signs or nothing. I mean, it's not, like, a secret, but I guess it is.

A (9:01)

Yeah.

B (9:01)

Go downstairs. It's probably still there.

A (9:03)

Fun.

B (9:03)

Almost. COVID ruined that. You go downstairs, and it was, like, really good cocktails.

A (9:08)

That's awesome.

B (9:09)

Yeah. I can't remember. I think it's just called Speakeasy, but it's in the Village, and, like, there's no advertisement of any kind, and they're just like, don't bring people that suck here on the. You know.

A (9:18)

Yeah, but that.

B (9:19)

That bar is great if it's there still.

A (9:22)

Yeah. Uh, let's say that you meet your soulmate, who could very well be your girlfriend that you have right now. What could she do to just ruin it like that?

B (9:33)

Um, you know, tell outsiders that she's my cousin.

A (9:39)

I don't think she would ever do that.

B (9:41)

What could ruin it? What do you mean? Like, either me or her.

A (9:46)

What could she do? Like, something that gives you beyond an ick. It's like, oh, my God. I had no idea you were like.

B (9:53)

This, like, oh, become vegan.

A (9:55)

Oh, okay.

B (9:57)

I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea. I'd have to know.

A (10:00)

Well, I think it would actually be really hard to date a vegan if you're not a vegan. That could be a deal breaker for me, I guess.

B (10:07)

Listen, all kinds of people are vegan. All kinds of weirdos are vegan. It's not just one kind. But anyway, she's. I wouldn't know until it happened. Honestly, it's not like I've ever tried to mentally prepare myself for why we might break up. You know, I just like live until something happens.

A (10:22)

Pretty much.

B (10:24)

Like I don't try to. If I ever was trying to plan and be like, and if this happens, then I'm gonna. You say whatever the fuck you want till some shit happens. You don't know what you're gonna do. That's the bottom line. So I have no way to know.

A (10:35)

Starting something new is almost always stressful. Before I launched my podcast, there were so many things to consider. From the setup and filming to the branding and merch. It was all so overwhelming. That's why I turned Shopify to bring it to life. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands like us here at ymh, they're home to hundreds of ready to use templates for building an online store tailored to your brand and a plethora of AI tools to streamline content creation. Shopify possesses world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.comdate go to shopify.comdate shopify.com date the holiday season is right around the corner. That means prolonged visits with the family and if you're lucky, mentally preparing to host them all. Whether you're in need of new silverware or a fresh comforter for your guest bedroom, Wayfair has you covered. I checked out their website and they have some of the cutest plates and stockings and mugs and everything Christmas you could possibly need. With plenty to choose from in the holiday decor department, Wayfair's your one stop shop for all things home this season. There's something for every style and every home, no matter your space or your budget. Or Wayfair makes it easy to tackle your home goals this holiday season with endless inspiration for every space and budget. No more huge delivery fees for furniture. Get big stuff like sofas and dining tables, beds, desks and more shipped free. From furniture and holiday decor to appliances and cookware, hosting just got a lot easier. Get organized, refreshed, and ready for the holidays. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. What's the biggest pet peeve that you have that she does?

B (13:05)

Um, let me think here.

A (13:09)

God, stop making her sound so perfect.

B (13:13)

No, but I. No, no. Oh, wait, let me think. I. Okay, because I'm trying to word it right so it's not like. Because it's really not bad, but it's like annoying as. But like she, you know, because she loves old fucking shit. Like, so that's why. It's like some random thing of like, hey, we gotta go pick up a. A huge old splintery desk filled with spiders today, then carry it in. And it's like some, you know, she likes that kind of shit.

A (13:38)

She's shopping on like, Facebook Marketplace.

B (13:41)

Yeah, but I don't care about that. I care about, like, do I have to move some godforsaken piece of crap where the drawers don't open? Well, but it's like really nice. But it sucks ass.

A (13:50)

Why? Why is she collecting these things?

B (13:52)

She likes that kind of shit.

A (13:53)

So you have a bunch of antiques in your house?

B (13:56)

Yeah, I don't. She has good taste with it, you know, with a curator. But I. I just don't like dealing with any of that horseshit.

A (14:03)

That's fair.

B (14:05)

But I. Like I said, if it wasn't working out, we probably would have broke up, you know, So I don't have like pet peeves.

A (14:11)

Like, what do you think?

B (14:13)

I'm sure she has a lot more about me.

A (14:14)

I was just about to ask you. What do you think you do that annoys her?

B (14:19)

I don't even have to think about it. But it's none of your business. Ask her. Why would she say.

A (14:23)

I haven't asked her yet.

B (14:25)

Well, good. Don't.

A (14:26)

Okay.

B (14:28)

Oh, my God, I can't even imagine. But you gotta understand there's a certain type of long term relationship that really works. Like, okay, for example, she has a dog and a cat that follow her around the house. Like familiars. Okay. And so. Because they're so it's a good indicator that she's probably a good girlfriend, like, because she's used to dealing with like, you know, dirty, smelly animals. Yeah, she's like, good with fucking, you know, Frankenstein's, I guess. You know, there's like a type of like some chicks like a Frankenstein, like. Like I would say my girlfriend or who's the other. Who's a famous actor that I would give an example. And I have crossover with this guy too. I know for a fact he's in a lot of shit. He's a good actor too. He's got that big weird face with the big eyes. He has a deep, weird voice. He was on Boardwalk Empire.

A (15:18)

Jeff Garland. No.

B (15:19)

Yeah, it was. Yes, Jeff Garland. You know, guys like me. Jeff Garland. That's just right. What's Michael Shannon?

A (15:32)

Okay. Yeah. I would never have guessed.

B (15:34)

Yeah. And it's like, you know, just like Frankenstein's. You know, there's a certain. Whatever. I just get what I get. Like I said.

A (15:41)

Yeah.

B (15:42)

I don't have a type other than, you know, I'm not gay. I guess you could say that's a type of.

A (15:50)

Yeah.

B (15:51)

No, men.

A (15:51)

You like women?

B (15:52)

Yeah. Is that that counts as a type?

A (15:54)

Yep, that is a type. Do you get jealous easily?

B (15:59)

If. No, not easily. I get jealous if there was a reason to be jealous. But I. I mean, I don't feel any kind of. If I wouldn't be in a relationship with somebody if I felt like, insecure about them. You know what I mean? Like. Yeah, I don't understand anybody. I would do that. Like, you would sit there and. And be like, jealous all the time, like, break up. Then why are you putting up with this?

A (16:18)

Yeah.

B (16:19)

You know what I mean? Like, nobody's hot enough or. I don't know. I don't know. Nobody's hot enough or rich enough for that shit.

A (16:27)

Do you have any addictions?

B (16:30)

No. Why? No.

A (16:38)

What's in your pipe?

B (16:38)

Well, nothing. I'm. This. I'm just using it as my.

A (16:41)

Just an oral fixation.

B (16:43)

Yeah. I stole this from Scott Horton, who's a. You know. Scott Horton is. Smart guy. He's a.

A (16:47)

Do I know Scott Horton?

B (16:48)

You wouldn't know, but he. He. He's always got his pipe with him when he.

A (16:52)

I don't think I know Scott Horton.

B (16:54)

He's a. Like a. He's on new. I'm on a new show, sidekicking. So I know him from that arena. Yeah, there he is with that. He lives down here.

A (17:01)

But is he the skinny guy or the fat guy?

B (17:03)

He's this guy right here.

A (17:04)

Okay. Well, I mean, there's like two. Two of them. Or is. Or is that the same person who's lost weight?

B (17:10)

Oh, good question.

A (17:13)

That is not the same person.

B (17:14)

Wow. Scott looks way better here, I have to say.

A (17:17)

I know.

B (17:18)

Anyway, we went to go eat at a steakhouse, actually. My friend Aaron, the lobbyist is like, you should meet Scott Horton. And he had a pipe that he was smoking weed out of. And then, you know, when I go on podcasts, I like to have a nice. I always have, like, a nice stupid outfit. And I sold out for Michael Malice, who always dresses up like an idiot. There's nothing more hilarious than that. It really plays on podcasts, I have to say.

A (17:39)

Yeah, I like your shoes.

B (17:41)

Oh, these. My TEMU shoes. What? My trump shoes. Those Donnerhood Trump.

A (17:50)

Did you get those at a rave?

B (17:52)

Huh?

A (17:52)

Did you get those at a rave?

B (17:54)

They are a rave. That's the thing.

A (17:55)

They are. That's your own personal rave.

B (17:58)

Yeah. This is like, by the way, I've. No, this is. I've never. This is my first. First date that I've ever gone, so that's why I want to have the right shoes.

A (18:07)

How do you do those? Do you have to charge those?

B (18:09)

Yeah, you gotta charge your charger.

A (18:10)

That is so cool.

B (18:11)

I know. China's got. From China.

A (18:14)

Those are so cool.

B (18:15)

China's got flying cars.

A (18:17)

How much do those cost?

B (18:18)

Like 60 bucks.

A (18:19)

What is the most expensive article of clothing you've ever bought?

B (18:25)

I guess a fucking. You know what? I'm trying to think. Last time I bought a suit, it was like a grand. That was like the most expensive suit I had ever bought.

A (18:35)

Yeah.

B (18:37)

And I think that was for the Emmys. Nice. Fuck the Emmys. You want my Emmy?

A (18:42)

Yeah. Fuck the Emmys.

B (18:44)

Fuck that shit. What a. You know how. Fuck it. And I remember being at the Emmys and seeing friends of mine be like, do you have any fucking Adderall? So I could stay awake at these fucking.

A (18:52)

Is it so boring?

B (18:54)

Yeah, it sucks ass. I mean, like, oh, I'm dressed up. And then you go to the fucking. You. Then you eat. Cause you're hungry after it. Whatever.

A (19:01)

They don't give you food.

B (19:02)

Oh, yeah, it's good. The food's good. But who gives a shit? I gotta sit through the fucking. This shit.

A (19:06)

Yeah.

B (19:07)

To like, not get my own fucking trophy. And then luckily, a producer was cool and re engraved one to me because it turns out you don't get them. They give it to, like, the show and not you.

A (19:18)

Really?

B (19:19)

It's a lot. I don't care. Like, I said I don't give a fucking shit. Okay? And the most, and the second most expensive was I bought like 700 jeans. Whenever I did. Was it my hour? I think in my hour I had from this place on trying to find jeans, you know, it was always hard.

A (19:37)

Where did you go to get 700 jeans?

B (19:39)

I forget. But they, they work like good like quality jeans that fit well. I mean I was happy with the jeans I had on that.

A (19:45)

It sounds like they were the best quality you could buy.

B (19:48)

I've never even worth that. They probably if had TEMU been around, I would have gotten 40 bucks.

A (19:53)

Okay. You like Temu? Is that your new go to?

B (19:56)

No. Well, this is merch that I got from Joe Rogan. Okay. They were like, hey, you want any of this Hawk Tua merch that was left here? Somebody sent them a box of Hawk to a merchant and I immediately grabbed this.

A (20:09)

Yeah, it's cool. It looks. That's something. I would expect you to go to the gun range. And what do you wear on a. On a date typically? Is this your outfit?

B (20:17)

It depends. I would depend where you were going, right? Let's say it's the Emmys.

A (20:23)

You wear a thousand dollar suit.

B (20:25)

Yeah, I mean I'm not moving to Austin to dress up, I'll tell you that. This is not the town I know.

A (20:31)

This is very casual also.

B (20:33)

LA is like a place you don't have to fucking dress up or you wear like one article of dress clothes and it's.

A (20:37)

But that sucks because I like to dress up. That's why I like this show so much because I always get to dress up.

B (20:42)

I mean I like dressing up, but I want to dress up in what I want to dress up in. And it's typically a lot of party city shit.

A (20:52)

Yeah. Well, you look very fun. You've got a white claw, a pipe and some TEMU shoes that light up.

B (20:58)

I mean, what else? Hey.

A (20:59)

Yeah, actually don't say it like that.

B (21:01)

Sounds suspicious now that you say it sounds like. Is this a Chris Hansen bring light up shoes and white cloths?

A (21:10)

I mean you look like a ton of fun.

B (21:12)

Yeah. Like a real pump and dump.

A (21:20)

Okay, let me ask you some of these old school questions that I have. Who do you believe should pay on a date? A guy. A guy or do you.

B (21:28)

I mean. Well, the guy. But. But see, when I was younger I didn't have any fucking money because I was a comic. So you know, I was dating a chick at one point, 10 years. The one, the three way one was like 10 years older. Than me. I was like a cabana boy or something, like. And she started. I'll tell you what made that. I mean, she was a very petty for being older than me, very immature. But she liked when I didn't have money better, you know, and. Cause I think she was.

A (21:57)

She was a little bit more in control, like she could.

B (22:00)

Yeah. I mean, it's funny then. The girl after that was 10 years younger than me, so it was a completely different thing. And I liked it. There's a power thing of paying that is very likeable then. But I mean, now. Now the thing is, like, when I met my girl's dad, I remember I ran to sneak to pay the whole bill before he could when I first met him. But then, like, you know, then you have a thing of like, all right, he wants to pay. Then you got a whole different Arab set of manhood rules you got to observe at a certain point, you know? That's all I'm saying.

A (22:26)

What is your ethnicity?

B (22:28)

Serbo, Turkish? Not. I'm German. Italian.

A (22:32)

German Italian.

B (22:33)

Just a Guido.

A (22:34)

Did you do like a 23andMe?

B (22:35)

My sister did. I told her not to. Now the Mormons know.

A (22:43)

23Andme is wild. It gives you all kinds of crazy information. And I thought, like, what if they lied to you? If they just.

B (22:49)

I'm sure they did some.

A (22:51)

And then the rest of your life you go on thinking that some of this stuff is true. That isn't. I don't know.

B (22:56)

Well, the main thing is they've got your DNA now. That's the main important part of it.

A (23:00)

What do you think they're doing with our DNA?

B (23:01)

I don't know. But they lost all the private DNA information recently, remember?

A (23:04)

Is that true?

B (23:06)

Yeah.

A (23:06)

I didn't know that.

B (23:07)

Yeah, well, it's not true. I'm sure they didn't lose it and it was hacked. I'm sure that was the plan to get it.

A (23:12)

They sold it, of course, to China.

B (23:15)

Susan from YouTube sister was in charge, and then she resigned. And it's some weird. I mean, it's so crazy to get into, but. Yeah, never do that.

A (23:25)

I already did it.

B (23:26)

Well, whatever. What are you gonna do? Live your life?

A (23:31)

I didn't find out anything crazy about myself, though.

B (23:36)

You didn't get the standard 0.02 West African percent heritage?

A (23:40)

No.

B (23:41)

Oh. Cause a lot of white girls did and were very proud of it. I know I was.

A (23:45)

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B (24:15)

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A (24:18)

Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan.

B (24:34)

Like a good neighbor.

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State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer.

B (24:40)

Availability, amount of discounts, and savings and.

A (24:42)

Eligibility vary by state. I got mostly English. Yeah, but Compton is an English name. I know it sounds like it came straight from the ghetto, but I mean.

B (24:54)

Most ghetto names came straight from England.

A (24:57)

Facts.

B (24:58)

A lot of them are hand me down, you know?

A (24:59)

Yeah, okay, let's go back to some of these old school questions. I haven't even asked these questions in.

B (25:08)

So what is a woman? I'm not a scientist. Please don't put me on the spot.

A (25:13)

Don't get me canceled.

B (25:15)

Yeah, we may one day have disclosure, but for now, I don't know what the fuck you are. Couch ruiner is how I call them. What? Come on, let's grow up here.

A (25:30)

Do you bring a girl home to your house, like, for the first time, or do you like cleaning off her?

B (25:38)

I mean, whatever's cleaner, you know?

A (25:43)

Do you keep your house clean? Relatively clean most of the time? Aren't you on tour all the time?

B (25:49)

I mean, now, it would keep relatively clean, but it's not because I'm in charge of that. Yeah, but I mean, living by myself, it would very much depend on my mental state, you know?

A (26:01)

Are you a good single guy?

B (26:04)

No, not at all. What do you. What does that mean? Like, I'm. I'm doing okay. Like.

A (26:08)

Like, yeah. Like, are you. What do you do when you're single?

B (26:14)

It's like a. The floor is like a desolate battlefield of jizz rags.

A (26:19)

Oh, no.

B (26:21)

Like, imagine a World War II one horror of warfare, but of jizz rags.

A (26:26)

What does a typical day look like for you if you're single?

B (26:32)

Well, I probably wouldn't see the day. I'd be up pretty late.

A (26:35)

Okay. Would you go to a bar?

B (26:38)

No.

A (26:39)

That's what I'm saying. Like, what if I were single?

B (26:42)

Oh, I don't know. I'd be Like, I mean, it's not a lot of jerk at all if I'm being stupid. But it's not, like, good. Probably a lot of PlayStation. And then if I'm bored of that, just laying, watching random shit, then stumbling out to get nicotine products that I need desperately to survive.

A (26:59)

Yeah.

B (27:00)

Re upping my weed.

A (27:02)

I get it now.

B (27:04)

When I was single, I didn't really drink. I started drinking because I'm on a news show. But I really just like white claws.

A (27:13)

I mean, white claws are pretty good. I haven't really had too many white claws in my life.

B (27:17)

Well, I just. I don't want to be like. I only want to be so drunk, you know?

A (27:22)

Is that what white claws do? They only get you so far. Hold on. Can I see your can? I don't think I've. I haven't seen a white claw in so long since. I just want to know.

B (27:33)

Chris Hansen saved your life from some guy.

A (27:35)

Yeah. 5% alcohol. Okay, so how many white claws does it take to get drunk for you?

B (27:46)

I don't even know what that number would be. Generally.

A (27:48)

I like three, and then that's like a nice buzz.

B (27:52)

I mean, not like.

A (27:54)

Like, you know what I mean?

B (27:56)

Fine for me. And then. And then three, though, is like the perfect number.

A (27:59)

How is this cold? Do you have a ice pack with you?

B (28:03)

No, I brought them at the gas.

A (28:04)

Station just a second ago.

B (28:05)

Yeah, I just bought them.

A (28:06)

Oh, okay. Because.

B (28:08)

Oh, they're fresh right out of the.

A (28:09)

Yeah. Like, you pull this out of your backpack and I'm like, is that insulated?

B (28:14)

Oh, fresh white glove. But you can get stuff like. It's Texas. You can get all kinds of great devices. If I wanted it to be, it could be.

A (28:20)

Yeah.

B (28:20)

And it's Texas, you know, what is it called? Buc ee's.

A (28:24)

Buc ee's.

B (28:25)

Yeah. I've got a lot of White claw cooling tech at Bucky's before.

A (28:28)

Buc EE's is so annoying to me now.

B (28:30)

Why?

A (28:30)

They don't have any other products other than Buc ee products. You can't even get a Coke at Buc EE's. They have their Buc EE's kinds of coke.

B (28:38)

They don't have cans of Coke or bottles.

A (28:40)

They don't have, like, Coke Zero. They don't have Mountain Dew. They don't have Gatorade. Like, they don't have convenience store stuff. Everything is Bucky's right now.

B (28:48)

That's how they get you. And guess who runs Buc ee's Israel. No, I don't know what you say, I assume.

A (28:53)

But that's what just drives me nuts about it now. They used to Buckenstein.

B (28:59)

What?

A (29:01)

I missed it.

B (29:02)

I said Buckenstein is the guy's real name.

A (29:04)

Oh, the real guy.

B (29:08)

I don't. I can't substantiate that.

A (29:13)

I lost my train of thought.

B (29:14)

They don't have name brands.

A (29:16)

Oh, yeah.

B (29:16)

Thinking the same thing. Last time I was at Bucky's.

A (29:18)

They don't. If you try to go in there and get something just normal. Like, I think some of their snacks. I think they have a couple snacks. It's a lot of.

B (29:26)

When you first go, you're like, whoa. And then you very quickly realize it's not as much as you thought.

A (29:32)

It's all Buc ee's brand stuff.

B (29:34)

Yeah.

A (29:34)

And I don't like those. What are those? Crunch Beavers. Ch.

B (29:38)

Beaver nuggets.

A (29:39)

Beaver nuggets.

B (29:40)

What are those?

A (29:41)

They're like these caramel puffs.

B (29:44)

Oh, thank God. I thought they were tampons.

A (29:52)

That would be so funny.

B (29:55)

Give me a pack of beef.

A (29:57)

Beaver nugget.

B (29:58)

Buggy's, honey.

A (30:00)

That would be hilarious. See, that's something I would buy.

B (30:05)

Beaver. Yeah, beaver. Honestly, that's great for. That's better for tampons. Dude, who wouldn't buy that? That's hilarious.

A (30:12)

That is hilarious.

B (30:13)

I got a lot of great product ideas.

A (30:15)

I think that's great.

B (30:16)

It'd make a great crypto coin too.

A (30:17)

Okay, what are you doing today?

B (30:27)

I gotta do Jimmy Dore show.

A (30:29)

Okay. What is that, a podcast?

B (30:32)

Yeah. Like sidekick on it. So I have to.

A (30:35)

I haven't ever seen that show or heard that show.

B (30:37)

It's like news. Are you a big news person?

A (30:39)

Do you talk about the news? What in the news is going on.

B (30:43)

Today that you're gonna talk about some fucking nightmare? Do you want to know? I don't. Would you even have feelings about shit like that?

A (30:52)

I have feelings.

B (30:54)

Do you even have feelings?

A (30:55)

I have feelings.

B (30:56)

No, I mean about, I don't know.

A (30:58)

The news. Yeah, sometimes. Depends on what the news is. That's why I'm asking.

B (31:02)

Taylor Swift amnesia syndrome.

A (31:03)

No, I don't care about Taylor Swift.

B (31:05)

No, I didn't say Taylor Swift. Who would give a shit about her? I'm talking about Taylor Swift amnesia syndrome.

A (31:10)

What is that?

B (31:11)

People go to Taylor Swift concerts and complain because they got very expensive tickets and they can't remember the show.

A (31:19)

Really?

B (31:19)

Yeah.

A (31:20)

That's not true.

B (31:21)

Give it a goo. Good.

A (31:25)

Are they. Are they? Are they?

B (31:27)

Nobody knows that. But I'll tell you, I've never heard of Anything like that in my entire life until just now. You ever hear of any show where somebody goes, I'm mad because I paid $2,000 and I can't remember the show now if I went to it, I wouldn't remember it because of Taylor Swift, you know, but these are people that are into Taylor Swift.

A (31:44)

It's crazy to think about spending $2,000 on a concert ticket. Or is that.

B (31:48)

Well, that's why I made the news for some people. First of all, who the fuck is going to see Taylor Swift that has $2,000? And they, I assume, are taking their daughter because it's gotta be a millennial, right?

A (32:00)

I'm reading this. Taylor Swift amnesia syndrome. What the. Why are they adding such a huge word?

B (32:07)

Which word?

A (32:08)

How do you pronounce that word? Colloquial.

B (32:10)

Colloquial.

A (32:11)

Colloquial. The fuck does that mean?

B (32:14)

Like a local term?

A (32:16)

Colloquial?

B (32:18)

Yeah, like a colloquialism is like a thing we all say.

A (32:20)

That's don't add to the word. Oh, what does the word mean?

B (32:25)

Colloquial? Common.

A (32:26)

Common. So why can they just say that?

B (32:28)

Well, not that it's like common among people that are into Taylor Swift. I think is common in a certain community.

A (32:34)

Okay.

B (32:35)

I think.

A (32:35)

Am I. Am I insane? Have you guys heard that word often?

B (32:39)

Yeah.

A (32:39)

Cool.

B (32:40)

Like almost every day. Sorry, you asked.

A (32:43)

So for the phenomenon of post concert amnesia, where fans report having difficulty remembering details from her concert. You think they're just bored and blacking out?

B (32:55)

No, some. Somebody who did worked on those concerts messaged me on my show derp with Kerp and said it has something to do with these like, disco globes they were using and somewhat light. I gotta go back and look.

A (33:07)

What if it's subliminal messaging going on?

B (33:10)

There's no what if about it. Why would that be a popular. What do you think when you see that? That people have fucking alien production syndrome from a goddamn Taylor Swift concert?

A (33:18)

Yeah.

B (33:18)

Do you think that's not. Is she an industry plant? Remember? They would say that.

A (33:22)

Yeah.

B (33:22)

Is she an asset of the. Yeah, of course. Idiot. All the things you like are part of that.

A (33:27)

Wow.

B (33:29)

I don't know what you like, but that. That guy.

A (33:31)

Who, Travis Kelce, he likes black chicks. Well, he. He went far.

B (33:37)

It's an arranged PR marriage of horseshit. I mean, just like royalty.

A (33:42)

Okay.

B (33:42)

You know, like, do people think that that's some genuine love. Love story or something?

A (33:46)

Some people might.

B (33:47)

No, I think probably a shocking amount of people are invested in it emotionally.

A (33:52)

Yeah, it does seem fake though, of course.

B (33:56)

Like, I don't even know how it even be a question of whether that's fake or not. Do you know what I mean? Like, how would anybody possibly question if that's fake? Of course it's fucking fake.

A (34:05)

Yeah. What do you think is the outcome? What is the. What is the reason that this is going on?

B (34:11)

The same reason all this bullshit goes on to keep you occupied, so you don't know about the horrible news that I'm going to have to go cover later today. The reason for all the things so you don't pay attention to a single important thing your whole fucking life. That's why. And it works great.

A (34:25)

It does work great.

B (34:26)

Yeah. Taylor Swift amnesia. Yo, nobody remembers shit that happened five minutes ago anywhere.

A (34:32)

It's true.

B (34:33)

I had somebody argue with me about fucking Charlie Kirk. Which like, I just want to point out the official story.

A (34:39)

Yes.

B (34:40)

Not. This is the. Not a conspiracy. Okay. The good story that you should say his miracle neck bones stopped the 30 ought 6 round from hitting the people behind him. That's the official thing that came from the. Oh, miracle neck bones. Well, that's not insane. Of course that's what happened. It's not anything more to it, I'm sure. Yeah. Not only that. How about every fucking shooting before that? Do they all seem like. Oh no, it's probably just what they said. Everybody writes a manifesto and then they go to McDonald's and wait to be picked up. Is everybody fucking stupid? Like, well, I'm done with my murder now to write down my diary and go to McDonald's. I'll have the McFlurry, please. Is everybody fucking dumb? Yeah. Oh, by the way, we're going to war in Venezuela. Did anybody know that?

A (35:30)

No.

B (35:30)

Yeah. So Taylor Swift amnesia, what is everyone talking about?

A (35:35)

That is true, you fucking idiot.

B (35:37)

Oh, Trump just bailed out. George. Floyd Soros, did you know that? No, Argentina. You know the guy? What will you show? You know that guy from Argentina with the Austin Powers hair?

A (35:48)

Yeah.

B (35:49)

Malay. So remember the chainsaw and the. So they f. That failed and we bailed them out twice now. And it's going to kill all the cattle farmers here. They already. Whoever makes farm soybeans here. Which that's fine with me because I'm an alpha male. So I don't like soy. But the beef, I don't like that. Anyway, they're going to destroy Americans who are in those businesses on behalf of Argentina. Why? Who cares about Argentina? Why would I care about them? But anyway, a hedge fund is heavily invested in the Argentina thing that's all that bullshit was about. And guess who's in the hedge fund? George Soros and I guess the rest of the lizard people. So if you still believe in there, there's a right and their left and all that. You are dumb as shit. If you still believe in right and left and you think that's a real thing, you are dumber than any pro wrestling fan. Because pro wrestling fans know wrestling is fake. At least you know.

A (36:44)

How long into dating someone do you wait to talk about things like this?

B (36:48)

I'll talk about whatever the I want whenever I please. And if you date me it's probably you're into that. Otherwise why would you possibly date me? Yeah, that and huge cogs. Do you.

A (37:04)

It's the 14 size shoe for me and great shoes.

B (37:08)

I meant to say great shoes but I had a pipe in my mouth.

A (37:15)

So what if you go on a date with a girl and you start being yourself and she doesn't have anything to say or she just is a total lib.

B (37:27)

Well, doesn't have anything to say. Is very strange.

A (37:30)

Some people don't know how to respond to news. To the news.

B (37:34)

Oh, you mean about the news? I. Well I just talk about whatever I'm. You know. You asked about what I gotta go do later so that's why I brought that up. I wouldn't bring.

A (37:43)

No. But I'm just. I'm just.

B (37:44)

I'm just on a date. I'm like. We just talk about like you know. I don't know. Like I said, I haven't been on a lot of dates. I really haven't. Like that were with. We're not in a relationship already, you know.

A (37:57)

Yeah. Like how long do you wait to go on a date with a girl?

B (38:01)

Till we fuck.

A (38:02)

How long is that?

B (38:03)

I'm not a three day that just goes on dates without fuck it. No, I don't do any. I literally really go with the flow with shit. Like I said. I don't believe that any dating I did was because I picked someone up or I. I've never talked myself into pussy ever. I've talked myself out of pussy many a time. Never into it. So I just get out of the way of the sale. Do you know what I'm saying? Like if I. What they taught us at the old nobody beats the whiz get out of the way of the sale.

A (38:34)

Yeah.

B (38:35)

Otherwise you know, if it's already going good I would because I could only screw it up like over talking it. But sometimes over talked it and it still worked out. But then it was probably just gonna always be, you know, because I couldn't have. I didn't fuck it up. I couldn't. Yeah, I. I don't. Like I said, I don't. You see. I mean, you see a bunch of people. Weren't you in LA first?

A (38:57)

I was, yeah.

B (38:59)

So you see dudes that have to compulsively get post. You see it all the time in New York, Any city.

A (39:05)

Yeah.

B (39:06)

You see people like that all the time. And it's like, a lot of work, isn't it?

A (39:10)

Yeah.

B (39:12)

I'm not willing to put in work. You know what? That's my whole criteria for relationship. I'm not willing to work at it. If I'm working, then I'm out.

A (39:19)

Would you consider yourself romantic?

B (39:21)

Yeah.

A (39:22)

What is the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone?

B (39:29)

I'm not saying this. Sorry. I thought of a thing and I was like, that's horrible.

A (39:33)

Tell me something else. Why is it horrible?

B (39:35)

Cause it's not. It's a dumb joke. I'm trying to think. Oh, yesterday my girl came so hard, I had to put a wooden smooth in her mouth so she didn't bite her tongue off. What's that do for you? I don't know what the most romantic thing I ever did is probably. I pulled a gun on a guy that complimented her feet on some homeless guy, said something about her feet, and I came running out with a goddamn gun. I capped him, too.

A (40:05)

Okay.

B (40:06)

Talking. My girl's feet.

A (40:07)

Yeah. High price.

B (40:09)

A guy with a fucking. Yo, Austin is fucked up.

A (40:12)

Oh, this was in Austin.

B (40:14)

I didn't. I'm. Well, every city I lived in, I'd have a hobo fight twice a year. You know, they don't. They don't solve the problem. But. But where I live, which is a little too close to Joe's club. And I didn't. We didn't research. Jenna likes old houses.

A (40:31)

Okay.

B (40:32)

You know, and by the way, no complaints. The houses I like.

A (40:34)

It doesn't shock me that she likes old houses. If she likes splintered furniture.

B (40:39)

I'm being. I'm. I'm really putting a certain male gaze on it. That probably would be different for a girl. Okay. With the Fenris, but so. Because this is such a passive hippie town. Traditionally.

A (40:51)

Yeah.

B (40:52)

And also, they wisely defunded the police, you know, the mayor. I don't know, whoever the mayor is. This down. They're a goddamn genius. You're amazing, whoever you are. And so I'm on the road and she Sends me and I didn't even want to get them cameras or care about it. She put in. Thank God. So I'm on the road. She sends me some coyote looking Charles Manson running into my yard onto the Porsche to steal my ashtray.

A (41:17)

Yeah.

B (41:18)

And I'm on the road. There's nothing. So there's. When something happened. There's nothing I could do. Somebody got squirrely, came in and it was my girl. That freaks me the out.

A (41:25)

Yeah.

B (41:26)

So. Oh my God. That was like. Anyway, sure. The cops go like, well, I mean we can only tell anybody would do. But you can't own a gun here. Okay. So that's. We got gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got guns. And this, I mean, I don't know if this is romantic, but if a dude came in my fucking lawn and in any way. And there's like sex offenders. By the way, they haven't checked the sex offender registry for seven years here. Yeah. This is what I'm saying about the news. Like it's not a good date, but you should know that.

A (41:56)

Yeah.

B (41:57)

And I already know because by over by the target there's some scumbag guy that would sit there and he would. He would beg by like harassing women sexually. And I could sense him a mile away. That's the sex offender out of the joint that's in the street doing that. There's no cops around. So I don't even know if you're a girl alone. You know, it actually kind of looks nice the area. Like when I was in Bushwick and, and Williamsburg. But you know when girls a show and it was like gentrified, they call and it was like, this is, this is not good how they have it. And we're talking about meth fentanyl heads that are like real hopped up and they're. They're any other city they couldn't act like how they act here. But here it's across the line. That makes me very nervous.

A (42:44)

So what?

B (42:44)

I jumped over the fence not long ago.

A (42:46)

Romantic thing you did.

B (42:48)

Oh. When a guy jumped over the fence, I loaded up hollow points and I cocked it back. She goes, get the gun. I went out and did. That's pretty romantic. Yeah, I mean I really would crash dummy out. No one could say I would do that is I will crash dummy out if I think my chicks in any kind of danger are being threatened.

A (43:05)

Yeah.

B (43:05)

I will have such a zero tolerance for it. But I don't know what else. You want a ring? Leave me alone.

A (43:13)

Where can people find you?

B (43:15)

It's Better if people don't know where to find me. Honestly, a lot of Kirby comedy dot com. Let me see. Oh, I thought of a more romantic thing I did. Okay. I was doing some indie movie, some guy's indie movie in Brooklyn. And my girlfriend at the time there used to be this guy that looked like a. Like, can you say retarded yet? He looked like retarded. A rod almost. Okay, he wasn't, but he just had, like, smallish eyes look. And he would, like, mean mug my dog, not me. When I walk in the street. He's a big guy who just look at my dog. Like him and my dog had an issue. It was the most bizarre fucking thing. This is in Washington Heights, okay? In New York, which is heavy Dominican, by the way. I really enjoyed Washington Heights. And all them Dominicans are the easiest fucking people to get along with, I find. But this street, everyone was fucking crazy. And I couldn't understand why. Well, it turns out at the end of the block was an outpatient mental facility. So I found this out because some people were, like, recognized me from playing basketball with comics years ago with this comic, Neil Potter, and. And they knew me from that game. It was so weird. And I was like, why is everybody crazy? Oh, because there's a funny farm on it and end of the block that looks like regular apartments. And then all of a sudden, it all made sense, right, Anyway, because the guy was like a big guy. And, you know, there was like a gang there in the block, but they kept it nice. I'm always encouraged by a nice gang that has to, like, run the block like the mafia, you know? Then you just worry about the junkies, but they'll control that, usually themselves. It's just that this was weird. So anyway, this guy, I'm. I'm sitting in makeup, so I got makeup and I get texted. She went to walk the dog and this guy and this other weird junkie guy that hung out with him to look like Nosferatu, yo. He said something so fucking crazy and foul to her as she was walking out. And then when she came back in the. He said another thing. And the junkie guy, like, they pressed their faces on the door and, like, watched her walk up the stairs. It was something about her bleeding, dude. It was something that I. So I'm sitting here like this while they're, like, going on my face. And luckily it's a small, you know, some indie thing. And. And because you couldn't do this on a regular job, you know, the dude that drove the shuttle, I Go, dude, we gotta go to my house right now. He drove me there so I could go there. I was like, just let this be right on my. Please let him just be right there when I get there. So they're still there. I mean, I. The. The feeling I had of mad when she told me, I. It was under indescribable almost. And so. So it's a van, dude. This is a fucking van. Like you have on a set, okay? So these assholes are still on my fucking stoop. So this van just pulls up, and I swing open the door, and I got my phone with what she said, he said. I go. The other guys just run like this. They just shoot out, okay? The other guy. Now, looking back, I don't think he knew what the fuck I was even saying to him. I mean, like, I was, like, sputtering.

A (46:26)

Just screaming, you're just mad and pointing at my phone.

B (46:29)

And I've got a makeup bib and I'm wearing fucking makeup. I know. Are you saying my girlfriend? And he. And. And then. So then the guy goes like that now, you know? I know. He's like, what they used to call him. They used to call him G Money because apparently he got a settlement from the city at one point from the cops for getting beat up. And then he spent it all on, like, hookers. And he's like, half. You know, he's slow. He's not, like, fully slow, but that one where you don't know you're dealing with a guy who's a little bit silly. But I knew about this, okay? And he was like, call me G Money and everybody, okay? So they're all like, okay, G Money. So as soon as I'm coming at him like that, he went like this. He just put his head down like a fucking. No, like. And I'm like. So now I feel like I'm bullying a retarded person. I mean, I don't know how to describe the. From pure anger to a guy who looked like a slow kid. Yeah, I'm Dolly. He went like. Like this. Like, that's his butt. You know, if you're really mad and if you don't get, like, that anger coming at you to feed your rage, I mean, it could just go out, you know? Yeah. And he looks so sad and retarded that I now, like, am I bullying this guy? Okay. But I'm also still mad about what he said, you know?

A (47:45)

Yeah.

B (47:45)

But I'm like, I'm not gonna fucking start beating his. Plus, he's retarded. He's probably strong.

A (47:50)

So what'd you do?

B (47:51)

Face it, he's strong as hell. I just kept yelling, right? And I go back upstairs, and Karen said, I forget what she thought it was. She didn't realize I was home. She was like. Because she hear me upstairs, everybody. Oh, then I hear a chick. So the whole block watches this. Everyone on the block watches everything happening. So then I go, you a bitch, G Money. People like yelling at the window. And then, I don't know, I left and I went back to the movie set. And then the dude I would get my weave from, fucking Flocko, he would go, yeah. He would go, yeah. He lost his block privileges for that. He wasn't allowed to go on the block for two months. Yeah, that guy was cool as shit. And then one day, Flocko got transferred to the other block. He goes, listen, I'm getting transferred up the block. And the new guys are not from this block. They won't take care of it. It's nice. It's like a bit. It's like something out of a movie.

A (48:52)

It is straight out of a movie.

B (48:54)

Yeah. Yeah. That guy's cool as. Man. I wonder what he's doing. Anyway, that's pretty romantic. I think I left a goddamn job because I thought somebody. I mean, you don't get more romantic than that for me.

A (49:12)

Well, Kurt, we're out of time.

B (49:15)

Oh, already?

A (49:21)

So people can go to your website to see your shows. What is your Instagram? What's your social Instagram?

B (49:26)

Kurt Mesker Comedy Twitter is just Kurt Basker but the blue check mark. And. I don't know, Jenna does my. But kurtmastercamity.com my dates are on.

A (49:41)

Okay?

B (49:41)

And I'm on Jimmy Door show every day, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Which I gotta go do now, actually.

A (49:47)

That sounds fun. Well, thank you for coming on my show.

B (49:50)

Thank you. It was fun and. Oh, shit. Oh, no. No.

A (49:59)

What happened?

B (50:00)

Andrew Santino died.

A (50:02)

Who?

B (50:02)

No, I'm just saying that it's fine. I was trying to think of a name that would count around here. Why would Andrew Santino have just dropped dead? That'd be shocking, wouldn't it? I mean, it sounded like genuine concern. It did. Yeah.

A (50:17)

You acted well. But as you fucking saw him, he.

B (50:21)

Looked like Archie from the comics. He's fine, right?

A (50:23)

That's good.

B (50:27)

All right.

A (50:28)

Thank you for coming on my show.

B (50:29)

Thank you for having me.

A (50:31)

I appreciate you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me. Just say you're ready. Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommate. Thursday.