A Match Made in Skankfest w/ Tommy Pope | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: "A Match Made in Skankfest w/ Tommy Pope | First Date with Lauren Compton"

Episode Overview In the July 15, 2025 episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, host Lauren Compton engages in a candid and humorous conversation with comedian and podcast co-host Tommy Pope. The episode delves into Tommy’s personal life, his engagement, past relationships, and his unique perspectives on dating. True to the show's format, Lauren assesses Tommy's dateability, red flags, and the potential for a second date, all while maintaining an entertaining and unfiltered dialogue.

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1. Engagement and Proposal Story

Tommy’s Proposal: A Humorous Misstep

Tommy opens up about his recent engagement, sharing the unconventional and somewhat chaotic proposal story.

• Tommy (00:28): "How did you propose?"
• Tommy (03:41): "I got out of the shower, still in a towel, and I had her sit down... I got on one knee and I... told her how I feel and that I love her."

Lauren humorously critiques the proposal, highlighting its "pathetic" yet charming nature.

• Lauren (04:14): "And what did she do?"
• Tommy (04:29): "She ran out. She walked my dog. No, it was, it was, it was a beautiful, simplistic moment of like, what I would consider, you know, the proposal."

2. How They Met

Serendipitous Encounters Turned Reality

Tommy recounts the multiple, almost fateful meetings with his fiancée, illustrating the randomness and inevitability of their relationship.

• Tommy (04:39): "She wasn't a fan of comedy. I saw her walk past the restaurant and I just googled her."
• Lauren (05:50): "Do you get her number?"
• Tommy (06:19): "No, I didn't have the balls to text her on Monday. I waited till Thursday. She texted me first."

The story culminates in their meeting at an airport, where Tommy finally gathers the courage to approach her.

• Tommy (07:24): "I gave yourself a pep talk in the delta mirror... I said, okay, I'm going to be a [blank]."

3. Relationship Journey

Living Arrangements and Moving Together

The conversation transitions to Tommy and his fiancée's life together, discussing their moves from Los Angeles to New York City and then to Austin.

• Tommy (10:14): "We lived together for three months. Then I moved her to Austin."
• Lauren (10:34): "How long have you guys been together?"
• Tommy (10:42): "Three years."

4. Past Relationships and Breakups

Lessons from Previous Relationships

Tommy reflects on his past relationships, identifying selfishness as the primary reason for their dissolutions.

• Tommy (14:19): "I was selfish."
• Lauren (17:28): "I didn't take it seriously... I was just focused on my career."

They discuss the challenges of breaking up and the tendency to waste time in unfulfilling relationships.

• Tommy (18:03): "I just start wasting time first, which also hurts them."

5. Personal Vices and Habits

Addressing Self-Improvement

Tommy candidly shares his vices, including drinking too much and procrastination, while Lauren offers light-hearted commentary.

• Tommy (19:31): "I drink too much, I think too much, and I don't procrastinate."
• Lauren (19:50): "Nothing like waiting until the last minute."

6. Dealbreakers in Relationships

The No-Go: Bad Breath

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing dealbreakers, with bad breath being top of Tommy’s list.

• Tommy (24:39): "Bad breath is the number one reason other relationships didn't work out."
• Lauren (27:19): "Death."

They humorously exaggerate the impact of bad breath on their relationships, highlighting the importance of personal hygiene.

7. Humor and Comedic Insights

Balancing Comedy with Personal Life

Tommy and Lauren navigate humorous exchanges about fitness, cooking, and personal quirks, maintaining the show's light-hearted tone.

• Tommy (25:21): "Patriotic sweat from brisket."
• Lauren (28:11): "Bad breath is the top of the pyramid."

8. Cooking and Culinary Skills

Acts of Service: Cooking as Love Language

The discussion shifts to cooking, where Tommy emphasizes the importance of preparing meals for loved ones as a sweet and intimate gesture.

• Tommy (52:25): "The sweetest thing you can ever do for someone is make them a meal."
• Lauren (53:15): "Stews."

They exchange tips on cooking ragu, showcasing their culinary interests and bonding over shared recipes.

9. Future Aspirations and Family Plans

Dreams of Parenthood and Shared Goals

Tommy shares his aspirations for a family, expressing a desire for children and discussing his fiancée’s cultural background.

• Tommy (20:28): "I want a gaggle."
• Lauren (44:38): "She does these lamb kebabs."

They explore their cultural heritages, with Tommy’s fiancée being Palestinian and Irish, adding depth to their relationship dynamic.

10. Closing Remarks and Promotions

Final Thoughts and Shout-Outs

As the episode wraps up, Lauren and Tommy engage in playful banter, promoting Tommy’s podcasts and social media handles.

• Tommy (55:11): "Stuff Island is our podcast. We're on Patreon too."
• Lauren (56:03): "Thank you so much for watching another episode of First Date."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Tommy on Proposal:
  "I got on one knee and I... told her how I feel and that I love her." (03:41)

• Tommy on Bad Breath:
  "It's like a decaying squirrel in a wall." (27:21)

• Lauren on Cooking:
  "Stews." (53:15)

• Tommy on Sweet Gestures:
  "The sweetest thing you can ever do for someone is make them a meal." (52:25)

• Lauren on Open Relationships:
  "Do that shit when you're dating." (30:46)

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Conclusion

This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton offers an unfiltered and entertaining glimpse into Tommy Pope’s personal life, relationships, and comedic outlook on dating. Through honest discussions and humorous exchanges, Lauren effectively uncovers Tommy’s red flags, dateability factors, and the potential for their "first date" to lead to future interactions. Whether you’re a fan of raw relationship insights or crave a good laugh, this episode delivers both in abundance.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First Date. What's up, you guys? Hold on a second. Thank you for tuning in to another episode. A First Date. You know my guest today from his role on that Netflix series Tires. He also co hosts two different podcasts, look at Dish and Stuff Island. Tommy Pope.

[A]

Hey, I was gonna comment how sexual that intro is. It's pretty sick.

[B]

It's. Yeah. I mean, this is First Date. This is a sexy podcast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where I find out all the things about you and dating. Are you married?

[A]

No, I'm engaged.

[B]

Are you?

[A]

Recently.

[B]

Congratulations.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Usually I save this question for last, but let's just start off with it. How did you propose?

[A]

Terribly.

[B]

Oh, no, I love it. Yay.

[A]

It was very organic, very, I guess, in my voice, where she's very eclectic. And I found this ring that is her personality. And I went to this. Shut up.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I haven't worked on this story.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You don't work on this first stage. Okay, so I'm gonna bomb. Yes, I'm gonna bomb.

[B]

Okay. So you went to an.

[A]

Anyway, I found. Yeah. A vintage store called Alador.

[B]

Sh.

[A]

Shout out Alador. Give them a little prop. It's a wonderful store run by all women.

[B]

How did I guess that?

[A]

And I found this. 1800s.

[B]

Is this for real?

[A]

Yes, it's for real.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. It's what Napoleon gave Josephine. It's called. And it has two little circles above one another.

[B]

You're so full of.

[A]

It means you and me. No. I will show you pictures on my phone. Yeah.

[B]

Are they boomerangs?

[A]

And her. You can't bring up old shit. Dude, that has nothing to do with this podcast. This is. She's busting my balls about Ari's podcast. He asked me for photos from Cuba, and they were all boomerangs because it was, like, eight years ago and I'm like, 60. Anyway, so the top is her. Her birthstone.

[B]

You're 60?

[A]

And the. But no, I'm 45.

[B]

Okay, I'm sorry. Back to the ring. Okay. So how did you propose? Let's just rewind and talk.

[A]

I was telling you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Before you interrupted.

[B]

I wasn't listening.

[A]

All right. You had, what, six drinks? Last night. And all of a sudden you're fucking.

[B]

Okay, you're gonna bring up my past now that I brought up your past?

[A]

That's sad that you can't remember shit. So there's two beautiful little circles of diamonds, and one has an emerald. And It's. It's from 1820.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's, it's, it's authentic. It's. It's very unique. It's her personality. And I picked it up from the store. I. I went to a beer garden. I had a beer and I was like, I was going to save this for a birthday. And I knew I was going to propose to her anyway. And I just talked to myself and then go, fuck it. What are you. What are you going to wait for? That's another month and a half. Just do it. And I took a shower after the gym and I was like, I was working through, like, what am I going to say? You know, kids are bombarded with these proposals where there's like a videographer and you, you take them to a fucking beach and all that shit. That's just not us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I got out of the shower, still in towel, and I had her sit down. Dude, it's so pathetic. I had her sit down. But it's beautiful and charming.

[B]

So excited that you couldn't wait.

[A]

Yeah. And it was in my gym bag, so I told her to sit down and I ran to the front, front door where we hold our dog's leash and stuff, where I put my gym bag, pulled out a gym bag, and I just, I got on one knee and I. And I. In a towel and I just told her how I feel and, and that I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

[B]

And what did she do?

[A]

She threw up and cried. No, she ran out. She walked my dog. No, it was, it was, it was a beautiful, simplistic moment of like, what I would consider, you know, the proposal.

[B]

How did you meet her?

[A]

That's a wild story. I don't know. How long is this?

[B]

We have, we have an hour.

[A]

All right. I've been here at Skank Fest.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. She wasn't a fan of comedy. She was with her friend at the time who was a fan of comedy. And me and my comedy partner, my husband, Chris o', Connor, were eating wings off the Strip on a day off. And I saw her walk past the restaurant and I just googled her. Not Google. I just fucking. I googled her.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And I'm smacking you googly eyed, googly Eyed her, whatever.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I'm smacking Chris. I go, look at this. Look at this girl. Looks, girl. He didn't get up from his wing, and I just watched her pass. And I was like, I'll think about that girl for the next week or so. And the next night, we're out front of one of the theaters talking to a bunch of Grizzly Old Men fans, you know? And I saw them walk up. I'm like, holy. There she is in my peripheral.

[B]

Wow, what are the odds of that?

[A]

I know, hold on. It gets bad or great. And I. I don't want to say hello to her. I don't want to introduce myself because I'm already talking to people so that she just, like, walked off with her friend. And then I was like, I'll never see her again. That was your chance. And then the next night, we're in the green room and I'm talking to Annie Letterman, and I see her walk in with her friend again. I'm like, holy fuck, there she is. And Annie was like, go say hi. I'm like, I'm not a fucking creep. I'm just gonna walk up to a hot girl and say hello, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What kind of sex offender does that? You can't just walk up to a hot girl. Hi, my name's Tommy. How are you? How are you doing? That's. It's creepy as hell. So I was a pussy. I let it go. And I'm like, there. That was your chance. That was your fucking chance. And then Sunday, we're leaving or at the airport, and I'm talking to, like, Josh Wolf and a couple other comics. And there's. It's in between four different terminals. And I catch her in my peripheral.

[B]

Again at the airport.

[A]

The airport in between four terminals. And she's got her bag next to her, she's listening to music. And I just caught eyes with her, and she did one of these, which is the hottest chick wave you can do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Flip the middle fingers. See you, dude. Yeah. And I did like, a Forrest Gump, like, still nervous kind of way. And then she picks her back up and starts walking towards me and my friends. And I was like, oh, my gosh. And I finally started talking to her. I learned that she lives in la. So then my heart started getting cold. I was like, this is perfect. It's what I need to know. I'll never know this girl. I'll never be a part of her life. And this is what I need. Closure to this book of love. This is the Last chapter of the book of love. I was like, good. Get out of my life, you dumb bitch. In my head and heart, you know, I mean, that's what I wanted. I didn't want to think about her anymore. My gates called whatever it was Comfort plus at that time. It was a big deal, dude. So I'm like, I get out of here. Nice to meet you. And then I sit down. I'm on the aisle seat, put my headphones.

[B]

Did you get her number?

[A]

No. That's what I'm saying. I'm a right for her. I'm killing it for everybody. They give me mine. They give me my number. Shut up. Anyway, look, I'm even nervous telling the story. So I'm looking at my phone, and I feel a scratch outside of this, which is the hottest wave this. When a girl does this on your shoulder, you're like, what the was that? Might as well soft jerk me off for a while. So I was like, holy, there she goes again. And I'm like, this is your time. You. You've seen this girl, like, four times. You've been a every single time. Take this moment. Think about it. This is your chance. There's something about the universe that I believed in in this moment. And I said, okay, I'm going to be a. And I'm going to. While everyone's packing their bags, I'm going to pretend I have, I don't know, throw up out my ass. You know, I'm like, I have to. I'm. That one guy has to use the bathroom when they're all, like, putting their luggage in. So I'm, you know, shimmying through all these people. Excuse me. Excuse me. I get to the bathroom, and I literally gave myself a pep talk in the delta mirror, which is the saddest thing in the world. It's like, you have to say something.

[B]

Splash your face with water.

[A]

Yeah, just water. Just give myself pink eye in both eyes. I got a pink and a pink nose, pink mouth. Just wash him with diarrhea juice. Do this. You. His face AIDS everywhere.

[B]

Ew.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but that's the point. Wake myself up. Get out of your rhythm.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I said, if she's on the aisle, I'm gonna say something. Come out of the bathroom. I see her head. That's weird. Well, I should say. I should say she was bald and blonde, so you can't mistake this woman. Right? My floating little angel, huh? She's a man. So she was on the. She was on the aisle seat, and I. This is my Chance. So I just sat behind, like as I was walking past, I stood behind her and I was like, hey, so like, what are you. What are you doing? Like New York, like you said you. And I just start stumbling, like, just horrendous, like fifth grade, asking a girl out. So. Well, I got. I got. I got a show, like, if you want to. She's like, give me your phone. And then she put her number in. By the time I sat down, got a text, and then I still didn't have the balls to text her on Monday. I waited till Thursday. She texted me first. Yeah.

[B]

God, this.

[A]

I know, dude. Look, I don't want this on fucking camera. I ain't that bitch. I'm not that bitch. I'm not that bitch.

[B]

Are that bitch?

[A]

No, but that's the beautiful aspect. I was for the one that mattered because I was a scumbag pig for all the others.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and that's what. That's how I knew I treated this woman like a. Like a. Like, you know, like she did.

[B]

You treated her exist?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a beautiful moment. And then we hung out on Thursday. And then I took her bags from her hotel. She stayed with me for the weekend. Then we went back and forth from LA to New York City for a while. And then she moved in with me, Shane and Chris for like three months.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

And then Shane moved out, Chris moved upstairs. We lived together. And then. Then I moved her to Austin.

[B]

How long have you guys been together?

[A]

Three years.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Why are you laughing? The is funny, all the things I said. She lives at that. Sorry, what's your time frame?

[B]

How old is she?

[A]

She's 13. That's why I couldn't. That's why I didn't have the confidence.

[B]

That's why we're waiting.

[A]

I didn't have any funnel cake. How are you supposed to talk? I didn't hear any snap bracelets. I'm gonna talk to a 13 year old kid. I can't.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

I gotta wait for her to scratch my shoulder before I say, golly, she.

[B]

Just had like a collection of Ty Beanie babies in her face.

[A]

Yeah. She's 32, okay? Yeah.

[B]

And you're 60.

[A]

I'm 45, bitch.

[B]

Okay, you're the one that said you were 60.

[A]

I know, it's just fucking exaggeration.

[B]

I'm too gullible for exaggeration?

[A]

No, you're too hungover because you didn't treat your body right last night.

[B]

I had two glasses of wine and six Advil.

[A]

Yeah, gross. I can't imagine. You want some tequila?

[B]

No, I need a break.

[A]

No, you don't. This is perfect.

[B]

So when are you getting married?

[A]

We just. I just did it.

[B]

When did you propose?

[A]

A couple months ago. Yeah, what do you want, a fucking floor plan?

[B]

Usually you have a date that you set.

[A]

No, that's ridiculous. This is so. This is the exaggeration that friends, family members, like. That's none of your fucking business.

[B]

Okay, well, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom just broke up over a nine year engagement. Don't be like them.

[A]

Is this a fucking bit?

[B]

No, that's a fact.

[A]

Hey, why don't you just engage in the beauty of my situation and not bring up Orlando Bloom from Carrie?

[B]

Because we're comparing.

[A]

You two Hollywood retards have nothing to do with my.

[B]

For nine years, my happiness.

[A]

I don't care. Yeah, they're Cokehead Flanders, okay? They're everybody on every movie set. I'm locked in, locked in, locked in.

[B]

With no date in sight. It's two months, okay?

[A]

That's like getting a job going. What, are you going to your house?

[B]

Yeah. Where do you guys live now? You have your own place, no roommates.

[A]

We had a. The hardest part is getting her back. Skank Fest 2025. Wait, so I'm getting my baby back?

[B]

Why? So she wanted to move to Austin too?

[A]

No, she didn't. Who wants to move to Austin?

[B]

Me.

[A]

Nah, me too. But she wasn't. She moved. She moved from LA to New York City.

[B]

For me, this girl was head over heels in love with you.

[A]

Look at my hair.

[B]

Facts.

[A]

So you didn't laugh at that, huh?

[B]

That was. I mean, that was a bomb.

[A]

That was a bomb. Cut that.

[B]

No, don't cut that.

[A]

That was a bomb.

[B]

In fact, that's now our promo.

[A]

No, don't do that. We've had so much good stuff so far. No, and then she moved. I know. I can't imagine how hard that is because she's moving for me and my career, but she's also very career oriented and she's, you know, she was a very successful stylist in L. A for individual stars and events.

[B]

So she dresses well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was that a burp?

[A]

No, that's how, like, every time I talk highly of her, I have to burp.

[B]

Okay. Like a baby, you know? I'm like, are you okay?

[A]

Yeah. That's how you know I mean it.

[B]

All right, so here are some appetizer questions. Enough of, like, the happy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We have to talk more about your unhappy.

[A]

Now, what's the rest of my life.

[B]

So how many like long term relationships have you been in?

[A]

4. Yeah, I was a serial monogamist.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

Yeah, I was in a six year, a five year, a four year and.

[B]

Then a three year, six, five, four.

[A]

Three and then another three. Okay, yeah.

[B]

What is the number one reason why those other relationships didn't work out for you?

[A]

I was selfish.

[B]

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[A]

I didn't take it serious. I thought life would just take its course and I was just focused on my career.

[B]

Did you break up with them or did they break up with you?

[A]

Obviously? No, no, it was. Yeah, I was. This is a terrible question.

[B]

It's a great question. You're stumbling like you did when you asked your wife out.

[A]

I broke up with him. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Was that so hard to answer?

[A]

Yeah. Because it's hard to do. And this is why three years leaks in the six years or one year leaks in the three years. Because you love them, but you don't want to hurt them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So then you just start wasting time. You're wasting their time first, which also hurts them. Yeah.

[B]

How do you break up with someone?

[A]

You punch them in the face and run the other way.

[B]

Do you ghost them? Are you honest?

[A]

No. No, no, no. That's the whole. If I could ghost them, my relationships would have never been long term. Like, you reach a point in my experience at least, like, usually year two, year three, and you go, this is not what I want, but I love them. And it's comfort. And that's the selfishness is where you go, this is just someone I feel comfort with. They're my best friend still, but I'm not head over heels, and they're not my everything.

[B]

Do you wait until you have someone else that you're interested in to bring?

[A]

I've done that once. I've done that once. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But there's like an internal mechanism going. And everybody can be the other person.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know when you, like, fall out of love with somebody, you go to a beer garden and you're looking at some monster with a horn coming out of her forehead. You're like, that chick is hot. You know? You know, she's got three tits. One's in the back. Just when you're all horned up for anything, it's like. It's a bad sign.

[B]

Yeah. So you've jumped from one to the next.

[A]

Yeah, for the most part. Yeah. I only took, like, one year off from my last ex to my new fiance.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Put that in your reel.

[B]

Okay. I will mark it. Do you have any vices?

[A]

Yeah, of course. Who says no to that?

[B]

Sober people.

[A]

Yeah. Are you sober?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. I drink too much, I think too much, and I don't. I procrastinate.

[B]

Ooh. There's nothing like waiting until.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The very last minute.

[A]

Yeah, I know. You showed up. I beat you by 10 seconds.

[B]

And I was late by 10 seconds.

[A]

Yeah. Well, that's procrastination.

[B]

Hey. I was actually hurrying.

[A]

Oh, thank you so much.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't know. I think you soften as. As you get older. Before that, it was, like, aggression. I'm a very, like, old school angry dude.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I keep a very small circle of friends and family, and I have no time for.

[B]

Do you want kids?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How many?

[A]

A gaggle.

[B]

No, you don't.

[A]

I want a Mormon gaggle.

[B]

No, you don't.

[A]

Yeah, and I'm hoping. Yeah, I want. I'm only 45. I'm getting my. My sperm tested soon. Well, dumping a little cup. See how they're back swimming.

[B]

You could also just dump it in her.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You know.

[A]

Yeah, but that's a conversation.

[B]

Why do you have to. Well, yeah, I mean, doesn't always have.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's how terrible kids are made. Every friend you have, that's a piece of shit. That's probably how they were made.

[B]

Yeah. Well, does she want kids?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So. So then what's that conversation look like?

[A]

Well, the conversation is. It's career oriented. It's health oriented.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I'm weaning off. Off booze. I want to. I want to go clean for three months and then starts balloogin. Cut that, too, please. Yeah, I mean, but I don't, like. I want to do it right. I want to do it when she's ready. I want to do it when I'm ready.

[B]

Does she travel with you when you tour?

[A]

Sometimes. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where's the most fun place that you've taken her? It doesn't even have to be with comedy, just in traveling in general.

[A]

We just went to Miami with her family. I had a good time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because there's no way Miami. That's like.

[A]

I hate Miami because of the weather, not the people. Oh, yeah. People are dog to Miami. Socks. Yeah. There's no authenticity. There's nobody that's real there.

[B]

It's all Cuban people now, right?

[A]

No, it's. I'm not being racist, but I'm just saying, like, I'm not either.

[B]

I'm being.

[A]

Yes, that's exactly what you did.

[B]

Aren't there, like, mostly Cuban people in Miami?

[A]

Of course there's a bunch of Cubans.

[B]

Don't get me canceled.

[A]

It's a hard football throw to Cuba from Miami.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you.

[A]

It's not. It's just nobody. It's a bunch of old, rich Jews from the East Coast.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No one's from there. And if they Are. They're, you know, opening cans with their teeth and beating the fuck out of their mom. They're swamp dragons. Like, it's. It's got no identity, but it's fun, the vacation and get the fuck out. Three to five days there. It's a fun time.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's a jet ski of the United States.

[B]

So that's your favorite place that you've taken her?

[A]

No, it's just the most recent. It was last week.

[B]

Oh, okay. That wasn't the question.

[A]

New Orleans.

[B]

Fun.

[A]

Yeah. There's a place called Hotel St. Vincent that.

[B]

Oh, I love that hotel.

[A]

I think that's where we're gonna get married.

[B]

That's a cool hotel.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Very boutique Y. Kind of gothic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that the. Wait. Hotel Vincent? Is that the one that was the orphanage?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Look at you.

[B]

I stayed there.

[A]

Yeah. It's beautiful, right?

[B]

That's a wild story with that hotel.

[A]

Yeah. The woman just who ran the orphanage, bought it out, housed the children, and then apparently sold it to. There's another layer there that my girl knows that I do not.

[B]

There's a guy that owns it now, and I don't. I don't remember.

[A]

He just fucked all the kids.

[B]

The guy that owns it. Really nice. But the.

[A]

This kid. Paradise seems great. They get tired in the humidity. They're slower.

[B]

But isn't kind of creepy. It's kind of a creepy hotel. When you walk down the hallways and stuff. Stuff.

[A]

Do you. I mean, if you didn't know the history. I think it's. It's quaint. It's perfectly. It feels like a vacation within a vacation. It feels like you're in Europe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because it's so landlocked. It's outside the muck, you know, and has a beautiful pool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's got a nice. I feel like it's a nice weekend trip for friends and family to do a little party. And they can either do the pool or walk around, you know, it's not too. It's not too hard on the knees for mom and Pop, right?

[B]

No, I like it. I'm a fan. Okay. I'm gonna open up my menu here and ask you some questions out of this bad boy. We're gonna get into some main course questions now. What is the biggest deal breaker for you, for a woman? Yeah.

[A]

Bad breath.

[B]

Oh, that's a hard one.

[A]

Yeah. I've dated a lot of beautiful women that I smell their breath and I. I can't even continue conversation. I mean, obviously, but like, sexual. If I. If I catch a Whiff of your gut, my bird goes flaccid, dude. Yeah.

[B]

Bad breath is actually a solid answer.

[A]

Yeah, it's the only answer. Cuz if you have small.

[B]

What about Bo?

[A]

No, because if you love her, Bo can become sexy. It becomes like a perfume.

[B]

Pheromones.

[A]

The pheromones. Yeah. So there's like a scent when you're in love with a woman that like. I don't mind it.

[B]

I think the.

[A]

Ever rip off stretch pants of a dude after a gym workout?

[B]

No.

[A]

Take a waft of that. Fucking. That locker room. That locker room ball. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

That's exactly why I've never done it.

[A]

All right, well, get into it.

[B]

I don't think my husband has worked out a single day in our relationship. He did like eight bicep curls the other day.

[A]

Was he picking you off a toilet?

[B]

He has these baits that just sit in the corner and collect dust. And he picked him up and he did like eight bicep curls and was really proud of himself.

[A]

Is he naturally gifted? Does he have like a genetic.

[B]

No, he's medium ugly. He's like sort of fat. Owns a barbecue restaurant, has a belly.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

Yeah, he's great, man.

[A]

Live. He owns a barbecue restaurant.

[B]

He does.

[A]

See, this is beautiful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But he. He did eight bicep curls and I think that was the most. And he broke a sweat.

[A]

Yeah, just me sweat. Does he smell like brisket when you fuck?

[B]

No. But when he goes into his restaurant for more than like 30 seconds, he walks by the pits.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then he. When he comes home, it's like, you need to take a shower.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I fucking. I mean, the green room with the mothership. I got to shower before I get into bed every night.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, it ruins that.

[B]

I'm pretty sure he's catering. All that clothes.

[A]

Yeah. Everybody's smoking weed or a cigar and I'm like, I can't even my hair even. I don't wear clothes I want to wear in there because I know I got to dry clean them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then I have no shirts for the next week.

[B]

Back to bad breath. I think that the worst breath is when someone's like fasting and they don't eat.

[A]

That's gut. Yeah, that's pure gut. See, that's the easiest. If I can smell your gut, I know that's. You haven't eaten in a while. Yeah, that's fine. Or when I talk bad breath, I mean, like there's fucking old food in your teeth. You're not taking care of your tongue. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it smells like a decaying squirrel in a wall.

[B]

Gross.

[A]

Yeah. Death.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't mean halitosis. Halitosis. Kill them. You have to kill that person. Man or woman. You have halitosis. Blow your brains. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I mean, just like, you know, oral health.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Take care of yourself.

[B]

I agree. Do you get jealous easily?

[A]

No, I did say that. With a question to a certain point. I get jealous until I know that's my girl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? There's like a stage.

[B]

Some girls are tramps though, and they will try to make a guy jealous. I think that's up.

[A]

That's disgusting. That's just a trash bag.

[B]

Like someone who goes and like flirts.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With someone else.

[A]

No, no, I've been there. I've been there.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Yeah, I've been there a few times. Yeah. And they were never long term relationships. That I immediately recognize that and go. That's just a. Yeah, she's a piece of shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a. That sucks because she's. She needs help.

[B]

Do you. Do you think that you are funny on dates?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you ever dated someone who's tried to be funnier than you?

[A]

Of course. A try hard.

[B]

A try hard.

[A]

Ugh. Yeah. There's nothing worse.

[B]

What's worse? That or bad breath.

[A]

Bad breath. Yeah. Bad breath is the top of the pyramid. That's a paramount. That's a apex.

[B]

Okay. And then right underneath that in the food chain is a tryhard underbite.

[A]

Oh, little bulldog pigeon toes.

[B]

Hate that.

[A]

Dude, I'm dead serious. These things, man or woman, I can't be friends with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you got fucking inward feet, you walk with an. A wacky inward foot. If you walk like this, I cannot fuck with you. We're talking childhood friends. A childhood friend. If walk like this, I'd be like, donnie, man, we've been through a lot. I love. I always love you, but I can't fuck with you anymore. A severe underbite will get me.

[B]

The underbite is the. The bottom teeth.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like their jaw.

[B]

Are people still like that?

[A]

Yeah, we tell you. Can I spot one? Every fucking day you gotta be on the lookout, dude. It's safari for underbites. You gotta get your goggles on. Looking for a fucking two horn African rhino.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Bartender, let's see here. Oh, are we almost out of your.

[A]

One more.

[B]

What's in there?

[A]

What's that?

[B]

What's in there?

[A]

Liquid death.

[B]

Okay. How do you feel about open relationships?

[A]

The fuck out of here.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's insane.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And it's so sad when you feel. I mean, I've seen friends of mine that, like, they get married and then they do the open relationship. No, I'm just like. You just want to think about your. Your girl getting dogged by some fudgeing stranger and she's going to mop up her puss before you sleep again.

[B]

Dude, I think when you are married.

[A]

So harsh. That was. But that's what I think about.

[B]

Why do open relationships if you're married, if you're going to try an open relationship?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Don't be married.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Do that shit when you're dating.

[A]

But then why are you together if you're doing an open relationship?

[B]

No, I don't think open relationships work. I'm hardcore against them. Yeah, but I didn't know how you felt. But being a serial monogamist, right, I would assume that you're not a fan.

[A]

And if you're in that, like, sexual prime of, like, you're still.

[B]

All right.

[A]

So the conundrum here for me is like, my negative history is being a monogamist and wanting that comfort and then losing that love but still searching for another woman. It's the same kind of thing without being honest. So if I was honest with them, going, I'm not in love with you the way I should be. Do you want to stay together for a while and then we can both look for the next partner? Right. So, like, it doesn't make sense to me. I don't. I don't understand it.

[B]

Some people.

[A]

What's the end result?

[B]

Well, they're sexually fulfilled, I guess so.

[A]

Because it's still are with your best friend. So you're not fucking your best friend. You're hanging out with your best friend, but you want to get fucking beaten down by some. Some stranger.

[B]

Wow, look at that.

[A]

He's the fucking man. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome. I just said he's the man. That's better than thank you.

[B]

I know. I knew that that was your weird way of saying that's the best way.

[A]

To say thank you. You're the fucking man.

[B]

Oh, okay. So I feel like one of the aspects when people have open relationships, what they're trying to do is, is like, prove that it's just sexual and that they're not going to, like, fall in love with someone else. That it's just, like, just fun.

[A]

Right? Yeah. No, they're pursuing something greater than the sex. I feel like if you're doing that, you're. You're. You're not content in so many other ways. Because even if. Look, regardless of who you are, you have to admit, no matter how long you've been with your. Your partner, the sex is going to come and go. That's just natural. There's going to be ups and downs. You're not going to fuck for a while, and then you get back in love and, like, in a way that sparks sexual aggression. But, like, that's the point. You marry your best friend and figure all that out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you bail on your best friend going, I need to fuck something, you're not in line with, like, their emotions.

[B]

Some people will say that, like, nothing lasts forever. They're like, oh, relationships aren't meant to last forever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then again, it's like, I know people that are, like, pretty happily in love that have been married for, like, 50 years.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Because it takes work. I learned this by Jordan Peterson. I took a picture with him once. Changed my world. Just took one picture. I was like, I saw relationships different in one flash. No, it just takes, like, so much effort to go. And this is, like, I think the greatest learning lesson with my. My girl is, like, number one, realizing how selfish I was. Number two, realizing how, like, how much sacrifice it takes to give her what she needs and remove yourself from what you're. What you're. What you're needed of what your needs. Like, I don't. I have to go. Okay. What does she need right now? Why am I acting like this? Why am I being like this? And then you can find a way to get back to her emotionally and physically. Because a lot of it's bullshit. It's a lot of it's, like, your job, whatever. You're doing this podcast. I have a lot of things going on, and you lose sense of, like, why you're together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In the beginning, obviously, everyone. Everyone's first three months are, like, so romantic, and the sex is great and all this stuff, but until you challenge yourself and, like, work through her issues and go, oh, I could be better in this way. And then all of a sudden, you see your relationship blossom in a way that you. You couldn't in your past relationships.

[B]

What does your fiance do? Or what did she do that made you, like, take it to the next level for you, like, emotionally and mentally, where you were like, wow, she. This is. This is really. She's special.

[A]

Yeah. That's a tough question. I think I think just her overall presence and how she treats people and how she treated me. Her intellect, her beauty. Just a full package.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm sure it has a lot to do with, like, where I was in life and my experience in my past, but like, it just made so much sense. And then the whole. That whole story I told was kind of like. It is magical in a sense where like it just. I don't know.

[B]

Five times.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To see someone all the way down.

[A]

I said I was a. I said I was a. But worked out.

[B]

It did work out. It was handed to you. It was actually just slapped in your face.

[A]

No, I still caught it.

[B]

Barely.

[A]

Fish didn't jump on the boat. I still had the.

[B]

You'd to be like, if she's in the aisle seat, I'm going to say, hi.

[A]

Yeah. What am I going to lean over two bad breath Russians? I just saw two ugly Russians in bad breath. The worst case scenario to get to my lady.

[B]

Well, I mean, if you're.

[A]

Can I talk to you for a second?

[B]

If you're going to squiggle through all the people putting their luggage up.

[A]

Yeah, I admit that's a bad thing to do.

[B]

You're not going to lean over two Russians.

[A]

No. That's crazy, dude. If I was on the aisle seat and there was a hot girl in the middle and some fucking creep who didn't really know her going, hey, how long are you in New York? I'd be like, get the fuck out of my face. I would immediately just punch him right in the fucking gullet till he lost air and shit himself. I get kicked off the plane. Saving that lady.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That beautiful little lady.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

That sex predator.

[B]

Who the fuck says hi to someone on an airplane?

[A]

100% disgusting, wild or in a bar.

[B]

Yeah. Just in general.

[A]

Yeah. How many times you get approached by. By just strangers?

[B]

I get approached.

[A]

Yeah. Isn't that disgusting?

[B]

No. I'm usually pretty flattered.

[A]

Oh, you love it, don't you?

[B]

Yeah, I'm. I'm very flattered.

[A]

Yeah, I bet, I bet. Yeah. It becomes like an attention thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I should take my shirt off, show this tank top.

[B]

No, you shouldn't.

[A]

Be a hot guy on stage. Huh?

[B]

What's your imagine.

[A]

Imagine Tommy wearing a tank top on. I'm not done wearing a tank top. Wearing a tank top on stage, as a man, showing your muscles, being like, you like this hot, hot people. I'd rather be fat and ugly.

[B]

It's easier to talk about.

[A]

It's easier to be funny.

[B]

It is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's more to talk about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Self deprecating. Favorite kind of comedy.

[A]

Yeah. If you're decent looking, you come in on stage as a man, Dudes are like this.

[B]

What about Matt Rife?

[A]

What about him?

[B]

He's pretty decent looking, apparently. You don't think he's decent looking?

[A]

Not my type.

[B]

What's your type?

[A]

Construction workers. Was it a wonky eye? I like dudes that can't use one nostril cause I've been snorting perks for 30 years. I like them wear a hard hat in bed. You know what I mean? Yeah. Real fucking man.

[B]

What's your love language?

[A]

This humor.

[B]

Acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, time spent. Gifts.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, this is such a tough Spanish. Everyone lies about this, but like a mix of all of it, you know, you want.

[B]

You want it all.

[A]

You want your cake and the tornado of. Of a bit of both, you know.

[B]

I understood that saying, you want your cake and eat it too. Of course.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who wants a cake and not wants to eat it?

[A]

Me, actually.

[B]

You? Only cake?

[A]

No.

[B]

What do you like?

[A]

Ice cream cake.

[B]

Oh, here we go again.

[A]

She fucking asked.

[B]

Why am I the problem again? I didn't even know what ice cream cake was.

[A]

Yeah. Where are you from?

[B]

The ghetto? Mesquite, Texas.

[A]

Mesquite, Texas?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. They don't have ice cream out there.

[B]

They don't have ice cream cake. Don't get me started on the freaking ice cream cake.

[A]

You ever had a Carvel whale?

[B]

Look, I don't even know what that is.

[A]

That's fucking crazy.

[B]

Ice. What is ice cream cake?

[A]

Well, darling, let's break down the two words that are in it.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

You wanna start?

[B]

There's ice cream bingo in the cake.

[A]

No.

[B]

So it's a block of ice cream shaped like a cake. Don't get me started.

[A]

It's a layer of cake.

[B]

This is so dull.

[A]

A layer of ice cream. And inside that they have little chocolate crisps and the outside has icing. You never had Carvel?

[B]

No. I don't know. What?

[A]

Carl, can you guys fire up Carvel? If there's a Carvel. C A R V E L. Are they around these fucking hick parts?

[B]

Guys, you didn't. He just explained ice cream cake differently than the last guy.

[A]

Well, there are ice cream cakes that have no cake. It's just ice cream. And they have layers of these crunchy bits. But you can get ice cream cake where there's actually cake. Actually layers of ice cream.

[B]

Okay, here's Carvel's.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. This is the best one. The one with the chocolate, the vanilla, and there's. Yep. Zoom in. That. This is just straight ice cream. But you can do both. But this is. This is the ultimate ice cream cake. This will. This will fire me up.

[B]

Okay. That's what you want for your birthday?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You are a child.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A little itty bitty guy.

[A]

I know. I'm a five year old. I am absolutely five years old forever.

[B]

Do you play video games?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. I was just curious. I was, like. I was gonna dig a little deeper into, like, how five are we? What's your favorite kind of food?

[A]

Yeah, shut up. The up back there ice cream game. No, I like. I like, like, long beef stews. Like a short rib ragu. Does that seem sexual? Does that work for the theme of the show? I like long beef stew.

[B]

A stew?

[A]

No, like a. Like a long cook. I like a slow cook. It's a ragu. Do you know what a ragu is? I do.

[B]

I'm actually making ragu right now while we speak at my house.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

With what meat?

[B]

I'm using beef and pork, and I'm making a ragu for a lasagna that I'm gonna homemake.

[A]

There you go. So I like stuff like that. Noodles. Long cooked, Slow cook. Slow cooked.

[B]

It's called slow cook.

[A]

I say long cook, but it's slow cooked. Do you have a cooking show? I should bet she doesn't.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

Well, but I keep that.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Do not cut that.

[B]

Slow cooked.

[A]

Yes. Okay. Slow cooked. You put in a crock pot. You put in a crock pot.

[B]

I don't put it in a crock pot.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I don't. I have it in an actual, like, stew pot.

[A]

A stew pot.

[B]

A stew pot.

[A]

Mmm. That's what you call.

[B]

A pot. That stew goes in.

[A]

All right, tell me how you prepared this.

[B]

I minced onions and carrots and celery, and then I saute them with olive oil.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I add in my beef and my pork until it's browned. And then I put in two cups of red wine, and then I put.

[A]

In four cups of stock.

[B]

It was actually, like, six.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But you know what you're doing?

[A]

Yeah. I think you should. Do you want advice?

[B]

I'm not even done.

[A]

I'm telling you. You're already right.

[B]

There's tomato paste.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

There's tomato puree. There's four bay leaves, some salt and pepper. What am I missing?

[A]

Well, your bouquet could be A little more floral.

[B]

Which floral?

[A]

Add parsley. Just do a whole bouquet.

[B]

That's a good one. I have parsley at home. What else?

[A]

You had bay leaf in there.

[B]

I do. Should I put chili flakes?

[A]

I would do for heat purposes. At the end. You can always add that at the end. Don't add too much salt. But also sear your meat in the oil first. Remove the. Oh, no. And then put in your mirepoix. And then you cook those veggies off. Then re. Enter the meat.

[B]

Dang.

[A]

Otherwise it'll burn.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Your garlic will burn. Your carrots and celery and garlic and onion. We get a little too much. Too much heat.

[B]

Does your fiance cook?

[A]

Yes, she does.

[B]

Does she cook well?

[A]

Incredibly, yeah.

[B]

See, I feel like that is a shoo in wifey material.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If a girl can cook.

[A]

Yeah, she's Palestinian and. And Irish, so she does a lot of Middle Eastern stuff.

[B]

What's your favorite dish that she makes?

[A]

She does these Kafka, like lamb kebabs.

[B]

Palestinian and Irish?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

Free Palestine.

[B]

But what about Ireland? Who.

[A]

Free Ireland.

[B]

Who's. Yeah, like they could just stay in captivity.

[A]

What do you mean, what happened?

[B]

Who's Irish?

[A]

What do you mean, what happens? Who's Irish? There's two people.

[B]

It's just like the most widest.

[A]

What is your fucking question? With, like, which one of them.

[B]

Which one of her parents is Palestinian?

[A]

Her father.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah. Got the white Syrian refugee from Damascus.

[B]

Syrian refugee. And she. And the Irish lady, her mom.

[A]

Nice dismount.

[B]

Weird way to ask that.

[A]

Real nice dismount. She jumped off the dining room, was.

[B]

Like.

[A]

Finally get in there feet first, didn't you?

[B]

So, yeah, pigeon toe and all.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. Irish, Swedish, Nordic.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Just not the other thing.

[B]

Does she look more Irish or more Palestinian?

[A]

Palestinian, thank God.

[B]

Oh, there was an awe back there. Did you hear it?

[A]

An audible? No, I get it. I mean, my mother's 100 Irish.

[B]

What are you. What's your dad?

[A]

Italian.

[B]

Italian, okay, so there's a lot. So there's a lot of Irish going on.

[A]

Yeah, mostly Irish. My mother's a hundred % Irish. She's one of 12. My father's one of nine. Yeah. A lot of retards running through that fucking. You have to keep cutting this stuff.

[B]

Are you an only child?

[A]

I'm just having fun.

[B]

You're doing great.

[A]

No, I'm the youngest of three. I got two older brothers.

[B]

All boys.

[A]

All boys. My poor mother.

[B]

That's my dream.

[A]

Yeah, me too. Now I Want a baby girl?

[B]

Do you?

[A]

Yeah, I want a boy girl and then call quits.

[B]

That'd be.

[A]

That's cuz I'll be 75.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just had a four month old. Well, I had a baby and now he's four month old.

[A]

Oh, wow. Let's go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Congrats.

[B]

It's a boy.

[A]

Yeah. That's great. That's awesome.

[B]

I want to have another one, but I really want it to be a boy. If it's a girl, then I'm just gonna quit.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Quit what?

[B]

Having kids.

[A]

Podcast?

[B]

No, I'd like two boys.

[A]

Yeah. And then I think, why is that? What's your background?

[B]

Well, I don't want a girl because if she's anything like me, I'd be raising a hoe.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Do you know what I mean?

[A]

So you're a hoe?

[B]

I was a hoe.

[A]

Was.

[B]

Was married. Now he turned a hoe into a housewife.

[A]

And what terms of like what? What? Poetry.

[B]

I wasn't really a hoe. It's just a joke. But.

[A]

No, it's not. Let me. Let me be the.

[B]

I was an E. Thought an E. Thought I was an E. Thought an online hoe. I posted provocative photos.

[A]

Of course she did. Yeah. Look at my totes. I need to start doing that.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. No. I gotta start showing the back of my shoulders.

[B]

No.

[A]

Get me some more IG followers like these other gay comics.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I gotta start selling sex.

[B]

You don't eat. Thought so. Yeah. No. And I just. I don't know if I had a girl and like she started getting boobs and stuff. Like I. I don't. I'm not good with hair or makeup. She'd want like, cute. Ha. I wouldn't know how to do it, you know.

[A]

So you're trying to kill your history of being a ethot because you think your daughter is going to pick up your terrible habits?

[B]

Probably.

[A]

Yeah. You think dad would stop that? Like, what was. Where did you turn like in high school? Were you just like getting a lot of attention? You're blonde and bumble. Texas.

[B]

I wasn't.

[A]

Were you a cheerleader?

[B]

No, I was a gymnast.

[A]

There it is. Okay. Same thing.

[B]

Not the same thing.

[A]

Well, sexually. For men? Yeah.

[B]

Flexible. I was more flexible and I was a better tumbler.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

But pause. I don't know the.

[A]

Can I pee?

[B]

It was.

[A]

Can I beat off for 30 seconds?

[B]

No, I keep.

[A]

They're having a good time.

[B]

They are having a great time.

[A]

I'm talking to them.

[B]

I know. Anything else you want to say to the audience, thank you. Finally. No one even brought you a drink this time.

[A]

Yeah, no, he's great.

[B]

He's great. You're the man.

[A]

Yeah, you're the man. You're the man. He is the man.

[B]

You're the man.

[A]

Adorable young boy. My little gymnast.

[B]

All right, my last question.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Oh, man. Wait, no, I want two. No, I want three questions. Do you know the names of everyone you've had sex with?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No, I was. I did. Well, no, I mean, if you said, do you know your ex girlfriend's names? I'd be like.

[B]

But definitely not everyone you've had sex with.

[A]

Okay, no.

[B]

What is the craziest place you've ever had sex?

[A]

My dad's mouth.

[B]

How did that even come to your head?

[A]

We're having fun.

[B]

Weird.

[A]

I don't know if I should say this, but definitely say it. Yeah.

[B]

Like you've already said your dad's mouth.

[A]

Yeah. Like a nudie booth at a closed dirty bookstore.

[B]

A nudie booth.

[A]

Yeah. So, like, I don't know how it is in Texas, but, like, in the east coast, you go to, like, a dirty bookstore and they have, like, booths in the back you can put coins and dollars in. You watch porn and you can beat off in them. Oh, they have to get all worked up. They're also behind, like, strip joints. Yeah, I had sex in. In one of those.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No more questions.

[A]

What do you want me to say? Oh, roller coaster.

[B]

I had sex on a roller coaster.

[A]

I bet you did. It's very basic.

[B]

It was actually.

[A]

You had sex on a roller coaster or you just got fingered?

[B]

It was. No, I had sex on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland.

[A]

Wow. With your husband?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nope. I was 18 when that one happened.

[A]

Yeah, you were a Floos bag, huh?

[B]

I was a hoe.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Who's a hoe?

[A]

Good for you.

[B]

Anyway, thoughts on condoms?

[A]

What?

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

What'd she say?

[B]

Thoughts on condoms.

[A]

Thoughts on condoms. Who has a thought on condom?

[B]

Do you like them?

[A]

Who likes them?

[B]

I don't know. Some people like them.

[A]

No, they don't.

[B]

Okay. Okay, my last question. What is the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone besides propose? Like romantic.

[A]

I think the sweetest thing you can ever do for someone is make them a meal.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like an elaborate meal.

[A]

It doesn't have to be. It could be to your, you know, your level of abilities. Like, if I saw a friend of mine post a picture going. And I've seen it many times with Their girlfriend, like, Danny, made me a meal, and it's like shitty cooked chicken tenders and like, broccoli. That's fucked up, but in, like, hard boiled mashed potatoes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, that's beautiful. It looks like shit. But, like, that is. That's the closest distance you have to someone's heart. It's like, I worked hard for this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So whatever level of culinary expertise you have, it doesn't matter if you cook for someone. That's the most intimate thing you can do for someone. What is my opinion?

[B]

What is your favorite thing to cook? Stews.

[A]

Stews.

[B]

Long cooked Stiths.

[A]

Stiz, what's your favorite thing to cook? Stis. Is it stith? Did you guys not hear that?

[B]

Rewind that back. Is that how I said it?

[A]

Stith, would you say your favorite thing to cook with stis? Cause if it's stis, then I'm on bar with stuts. The fuck happened? You ran out of batteries? Somebody plugged this bitch in. Dude, this is nuts. Yeah. I love Stas.

[B]

I've been so nice to you.

[A]

No, I've been nice to you too. I already answered this question 10 minutes ago. But my point is, anything you. You can and want to cook for your loved one exhausted by this true answer, if you make the effort, even if it sucks and she spits it out, she should know that I get.

[B]

That cooking is the nicest thing I want to know. Fucking cooked. Cuz I said stews and then you.

[A]

Made fun of me. I switch it up.

[B]

So what? Okay, yeah. What is your favorite thing to cook?

[A]

I told you already.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Am I wrong?

[B]

Stews.

[A]

Didn't we already answer this fucking question?

[B]

Was it st?

[A]

It wasn't St. That short rib. I can't even talk now. I got infected by your stupid talk. It's short ribbed. Ragu is my favorite thing to cook. Not stis. And the show.

[B]

Oh, my God. Thank you for coming on the show.

[A]

Yeah, it's been great. That was wonderful.

[B]

Anytime you want to come back, just hit me up. Holler. All right. Is there anything that you would like to shout out?

[A]

Yeah. Stuff island is our podcast. We're on a Patreon, too. Patreon.com stuff island also look at Dish is on YouTube now. We take our Patreon. Old Patreon episodes, put them out publicly every Thursday. So subscribe to look at Dishonest for old episodes and new ones.

[B]

And where can people find you?

[A]

My address. Tommy J. Pope. Instagram.

[B]

Tommy J. Pope. See, like that J no one would have assumed there was a J in there.

[A]

Yeah, but there's.

[B]

Tommy Pope already was taken.

[A]

My real name is Tom Papa Papa. And there's already a Tom Papa, so I had to change it to you.

[B]

I want you to call me Big Papa. Okay? Thank you so much for coming on the show. This has been great.

[A]

It was great.

[B]

I really had a great time. Barkeep, you're running out of your drink. Guys, thank you so much for watching another episode of First Date. We will see you next time. First Date? Baby, are you really drinking? A glass of milk? Milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Delete my number. Thursday, your parents are your roommate.

[A]

Thursday.