An Impossible Proposal w/ Christy Carlson Romano | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Title: First Date with Lauren Compton
Episode: An Impossible Proposal w/ Christy Carlson Romano
Host: Lauren Compton
Guest: Christy Carlson Romano
Release Date: March 18, 2025

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Introduction

In this vibrant episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, Lauren welcomes the multi-talented actress and producer, Christy Carlson Romano. Known for her iconic roles in Even Stevens and Kim Possible, and currently starring in season three of Special Forces, Christy brings a wealth of personal anecdotes and insights into the often tumultuous world of dating.

Meet & Greet

Lauren kicks off the conversation with warm greetings and a playful exchange about Christy's upcoming motherhood, setting a lighthearted and candid tone for the episode.

[01:10] Lauren: "You've had kids twice. You look. You are. What a dream."

[02:16] Christy: "It's also, like, the most natural thing in the world, right?"

Early Dating Experiences

Christy opens up about her journey to finding love, sharing heartfelt and humorous stories from her early relationship days. She describes meeting her husband during her time at Columbia University, highlighting the instant connection they felt despite both navigating personal challenges.

[03:05] Christy: "We were just kind of stood out and so. But there's a lot of reasons. We were like, you have issues, I have issues."

Lauren probes deeper into their first date, painting a vivid picture of their initial meeting over coffee and the chaotic yet endearing aftermath at a birthday party in a rustic fish market.

[04:02] Christy: "I told him all about every one of my issues. And it was... we went to the ground of the fish market."

Navigating Parenthood and Body Changes

The duo delves into the realities of pregnancy and bodily changes, mixing humor with genuine vulnerability. Christy candidly discusses her experiences and the importance of supportive partnerships during such transformative times.

[09:23] Christy: "He's more excited about all of this than me."

[10:32] Lauren: "Don't worry."

Dating in Hollywood vs. Austin

A significant portion of their conversation contrasts the dating scenes in Los Angeles and Austin. Christy shares her preference for Austin's vibrant culture over Hollywood's often superficial interactions, while Lauren echoes similar sentiments about Austin being a comedy hub.

[31:56] Christy: "I'm so in love with Austin. It's kind of sickening how in love with it I am."

[32:28] Lauren: "I would say that we're probably one of the biggest comedy capitals."

Humorous Anecdotes and Celebrity Insights

Lauren and Christy inject humor into the discussion by referencing celebrities like Zendaya and Matt Rife, sharing playful banter about public personas and personal preferences. Their lighthearted take offers listeners both laughs and relatable insights into celebrity relationships.

[33:08] Lauren: "He is good looking, but I've known Matt for like 10 years."

[34:03] Christy: "He was nervous for sure."

Engaging Stories of Betrayal and Trust

Christy recounts a particularly troubling experience with infidelity, revealing the complexities of being unknowingly involved in a cheating scenario. The story emphasizes the importance of trust and clear communication in relationships.

[35:22] Christy: "He kept telling me when I went to go see him, he goes, don't open the bag, don't open the bag."

The Perfect Proposal

The episode culminates in a touching narrative about Christy's proposal story. Despite a tumultuous trip to Italy filled with mishaps, Christy's husband successfully popped the question on a serene gondola ride, showcasing their resilient and enduring bond.

[39:38] Christy: "So, he did come through. He proposed on a gondola, like towards the end of the trip."

[42:07] Lauren: "That's so cute."

Conclusion

Lauren wraps up the episode by celebrating Christy's journey, highlighting her strength and the deep connection she shares with her husband. The conversation closes on a high note, reinforcing the show's theme of uncovering the true essence of a first date.

[44:10] Lauren: "You're married. You have kids. You've, like… codependency is a green flag."

[44:35] Christy: "First date. Your parents are your roommates. First date."

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Key Takeaways

• Authentic Connections: Both Lauren and Christy emphasize the importance of genuine connections over superficial interactions, especially in high-pressure environments like Hollywood.

• Humor in Relationships: Maintaining humor and lightheartedness can strengthen relationships and help navigate challenging times.

• Navigating Parenthood: Open communication and mutual support are crucial when balancing parenthood and personal relationships.

• Resilience in Love: Christy's story of overcoming a chaotic proposal underscores the resilience and enduring bond that can exist in strong relationships.

Notable Quotes

• Christy on Trust:

  "[04:02] 'I told him all about every one of my issues. And it was...'"

• Lauren on Support:

  "[10:32] 'Don't worry.'"

• Christy on Moving to Austin:

  "[31:56] 'I'm so in love with Austin. It's kind of sickening how in love with it I am.'"

• Christy on Proposal:

  "[39:38] 'He proposed on a gondola, like towards the end of the trip.'"

---

This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton offers a blend of humor, heartfelt stories, and candid discussions, providing listeners with both entertainment and valuable insights into the complexities of modern dating and relationships.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

First Date, baby. First date.

[A]

I can't wait. First date. Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of First Date. You know my guest today from her roles and even Stevens and Kim Possible, and she's currently on season three of Special Forces. Give it up for Christy Carlson Romano.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Let me fix this really quick. Okay. Yeah. Now I can hear everything. How are you?

[B]

Good girl. How are you?

[A]

I'm good.

[B]

I know how you are.

[A]

You've had kids twice. You look. You are. What a dream.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

I'm so glad.

[B]

I was thinking of the ruching on this dress is actually helping because I do have a mother bump here.

[A]

What were you more excited to see after pregnancy, your waistline or your vagina?

[B]

Oh, I'm definitely not excited to see my vagina after. Girl, should I. Should I be real with you about it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not. It's gonna be a little rough.

[A]

Yeah, I know that.

[B]

Okay. Okay. So rough, though.

[A]

We went from a little to a lot.

[B]

Okay. Because then I was gauging. I was gauging, and now I'm real.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

No, no, it's gonna be great. You're not having. Are you having a C section?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. It's gonna be rough.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Did you have all the drugs? No, I didn't. I did two vaginal bursts.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Be sure to make sure you have a, you know, an OB or whatever that's like. I'll stitch you up extra so you're extra tight. You know, you gotta do that. Just make sure you do that. You're good. You're gonna be great.

[A]

We'll see.

[B]

It's also, like, the most natural thing in the world, right? Because people are always like, women in Africa do this in their bathtubs. I don't know why people kept telling.

[A]

Me that women in Africa having.

[B]

Having babies in a bathtub.

[A]

You hear the most about people comparing birth to women in Africa for some reason.

[B]

Have you also heard that?

[A]

It's in a lot of books that I've been listening to, and they're like, in.

[B]

In foreign countries, which always ends up being Africa.

[A]

Why?

[B]

What is that?

[A]

Can we talk about American pregnancies? Ours are brutal, though, apparently.

[B]

I was gonna ask you where you're giving birth, but we'll talk later about it.

[A]

We'll talk later. Yeah. We'll compare notes. Here are some appetizer questions. Where do you live? Currently, I live here. You live in Austin?

[B]

Girl, I am right down the street.

[A]

I didn't know that. Well, that's fun.

[B]

I'm here for you.

[A]

Where did you meet your husband?

[B]

Okay, so I met my husband in New York City. We went to Columbia University together. He was after the Marines, so he was a little older. And then I was a crazy child actor. So I kept going back and forth to school, and then Hollywood and then went back to school and I wasn't working. And so I was like 26 and he was 27. So we were actually undergrads, but we were like, that's literally a little older than grads.

[A]

Well, you said he was a little older. I was thinking like seven or eight years.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He's only just. We were both so much older than the students around us, though.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[B]

So we just kind of stood out and so. But there's a lot of reasons. We were like, you have issues, I have issues.

[A]

Yeah. Trauma bonding. So what does he do now?

[B]

So my husband's actually my producing partner. We had a bunch of podcasts that we also produce locally and in California, and we've been here from California since 2020.

[A]

Okay. Do you remember your first date?

[B]

Oh, of my husband, yeah. Oh. Talk about trauma bonding. I basically was. I was like in the midst of a couple year long breakup, and so I was at such a low. This is not hot at all, by the way. And when I met him, I was just like, this guy's out of my league. That's how insecure I was when I saw him.

[A]

How'd you meet him?

[B]

In class.

[A]

Okay, so how did he ask you out?

[B]

I asked him out.

[A]

You must have thought this guy was, like, on fire. Dude, he was so hot. And so where did you guys go?

[B]

So we went to coffee right down the street from Columbia. There was like, it's called like the Pink Teacup or something. And we went there and we had just like, you know, we just had coffee and croissants and I told him all about every one of my issues. And it was.

[A]

Did you cry?

[B]

I don't think I did. Which is probably would have sent Most guys just heading for the hills. But something about this is why I'm so glad I brought up the fact that he and I both have issues because he had just been in the Marines and was like, you know, he deployed to Iraq.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And so he was like, this bitch is crazy. I'm gonna get with this chick.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, this is right up my alley. I'm having ptsd.

[B]

Yeah. Just green flags that are on fire everywhere. I was his girl. Yeah.

[A]

And then was it. Did you guys just stay together ever since then?

[B]

Yeah. Pretty much like codependent from the jump.

[A]

I love that for you, that's the.

[B]

Only way it could happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was like we hadn't just met, we had seen each other in the class prior. But that first date, which was kind of right after class, it was me saying, hey, handsome, because I had gotten his number. And then he's like, oh, yeah, all right. Game on. Had the coffee. And then I said, well, there's a party downtown, and it's a birthday party. Would you come? And so got super, super hammered at the party. Ended up on the ground of the fish market. Okay, guys, this is horrible. This is going. Am I supposed to impress you? Okay.

[A]

I'm actually impressed. This is awesome. Like, I don't know how this guy would have ever said no.

[B]

I mean, there was. Do you remember, like, there's a fish market downtown in, like, the Chelsea area of New York City or, like, Lower east side. And there's like, the. The lower fish markety place.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it's got, like, crates, and it's, like, really rustic, and like, there's just, like, just cool. Edgy. Cool. I was a different person back then.

[A]

Okay, so how did you end up on the ground?

[B]

I was very drunk, so I think we were just making out, like, messy, and then just kind of, like, fell to the ground and was, like, kissing. And then he's like, I think we need to get up. And I was like, oh, yeah. We're on the ground of the fucking fish market. My kids are gonna watch this someday.

[A]

It's okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's a great story.

[B]

Thanks, hon.

[A]

Than. And then how long have you guys been married?

[B]

Fucking long time. We just celebrated our 11th year anniversary.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Together? 14 years.

[A]

Trauma bonding. Sounds like the way to go.

[B]

It is, Yeah. I highly suggest it.

[A]

And how old are your kids?

[B]

Eight and turning six.

[A]

You've accomplished so much.

[B]

I kept them alive.

[A]

You did really good. Thanks, babe. Are they girls or boys?

[B]

Two girls.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. That's karma for my Husband.

[A]

I always feel like girls are karma for the guy.

[B]

They are. You having a girl?

[A]

I'm having a boy.

[B]

Okay. You're gonna be such.

[A]

Which is gonna be karma for me because I've been so excited about having a boy. And my boyfriend keeps asking me. He's like, what are you looking forward to the most? And I'm, like, having a miniature version of you that can't talk to me yet.

[B]

No, not for a while.

[A]

You know, like, I'm so excited for that. And then they're like. And then people tell me that little boys are clingy, and it's like, that's all I've ever wanted, is a guy to never, ever leave me.

[B]

See the codependency.

[A]

Yeah. I'm so codependent, though. And I've known that, and I've embraced that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's like my first line out the gate. Anytime I go on a date, I'm like. Just FYI, if I like you, I'm.

[B]

A stage five clinger.

[A]

100%. I go nowhere.

[B]

You know what? I think men want that at some point in their lives. I don't think they want it three quarters of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When they're ready to settle down, they want the girl that's not going to play games. They want the girl that's like, I'm open and ready.

[A]

Solid.

[B]

It's. It's true.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want the guy that's, like, ready to be with me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't want a guy that's like, I'm good. Like, I like my weekends to myself, and I'm still, like, loosely dating. I don't. That's not. That's not me. For me.

[B]

Right. Wrong time, wrong place, then.

[A]

That's what that is. Yeah. So I've always wanted the guy that, like, wants the stage five clinger.

[B]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

That's what works.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

So, yeah, so I'm having a boy. And then he was like, well, I can't wait to teach him how to trip you. And I'm like, what the hell? Yeah, I know.

[B]

He's very number one. Not think. Don't say that to a pregnant woman. Cause even the mere idea of falling is terrifying.

[A]

I know. And I'm like, well, what gives you the impression that I'm gonna be running anywhere and he's gonna be running faster than me? Trip me. Like, what? What. What are you imagining in yours head?

[B]

How is he doing?

[A]

Yeah, he's doing great.

[B]

Good.

[A]

He's.

[B]

I mean, the.

[A]

My husband.

[B]

My boyfriend.

[A]

Yeah, man, he's more excited about all of this than me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He. From. From the jump, he's been like, yeah, I'm gonna be a dad. And I've just been like, I'm gonna be fat. That's all I've been able to just look at.

[B]

Do you feel fat right now?

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Okay. You know, it's almost over.

[A]

I have, like, this, like, piece of my neck that I've, like, never had before.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, oh, God. There's just things that I just, like, touch, and I'm just like, why is that doughy? You know, it used to be, like, this sharp, like, jawline and. But the good news is I don't have to get any filler in my face.

[B]

I haven't missed filler because skinny people age badly.

[A]

Yeah. So the fat has filled me out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I've been wearing jackets because I don't like my arms.

[B]

You know, that's fair. I mean, these are all things you can work around.

[A]

Don't worry.

[B]

And as soon as you're about to.

[A]

Pop, he's gonna be, like, 10 pounds, and he's gonna be a dumbbell, and I'm just gonna hold him and just do squats with him all day long. And so that's my plan.

[B]

Smart, smart. I'm all for that.

[A]

So, before your husband.

[B]

Oh, boy. Let's do it. What was.

[A]

What was your dating life like? Did you ever date other actors? Was that a. That. I assume that. I mean, those obviously didn't work out. Were they just. Were they. I guess it's beyond trauma. Was it just kind of toxic?

[B]

Oh, boy. Is it weird to say that? I just don't think that male actors are that masculine. I think that they're sort of trained from an early age to just be like, you know, they're just an extra layer of love about themselves. Is your baby daddy an actor?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, so I'll talk shit. So I just think there's something inherently just, like, not that masculine. Like, I don't know a lot of male actors, like, maybe, I don't know, Tom Hardy. But isn't he bi? Isn't Tom Hardy bi? I don't know, like, Channing Tatum bi. Is he? Yes. There's, like, a lot of bi actors that you would be like, well, they're masculine. Right. And you're like, they actually like dick. So I have a hard time being, like, I know that. Attracted to men who identify as actors.

[A]

I don't. I mean, that makes solid sense.

[B]

Like, I need a man who's going to Survive the apocalypse.

[A]

I do think it's weird seeing a male actor, like, do a photo shoot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know how they, like, they do that. Yeah, they do photo shoots.

[B]

Yeah. And they, like, wear, make.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, if you need a cover up. Is it like. I actually think it's better to be more inclusive of, like, take care of yourself as a man. That's there.

[A]

Should be okay having a guy in hair and makeup, though.

[B]

Yeah. Like, that's a bit different. Or like their hair, like, if they're obsessed with their hair, it's strange. Or just overall their focus. Right. Like, I think that's why we see a lot of, like, actors that can't stay married to each other. Hey, I mean, talk about the whole thing with, like, this Justin Blake thing. I know that a lot of people don't even want to touch it, but, I mean, who knows what's going on with the whole aspect of you're on set, you're having to, like, have sex with each other. Simulated sex with each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So many gray areas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's really bad for marriages.

[A]

I'm curious how this Zendaya and what's that kid's name?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Tom Holland.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I actually do like him.

[A]

He's. I mean, he looks kind of like a twerp, but I feel like. I mean, he's got Zendaya, like, wrapped around his little finger.

[B]

I know. Or the other way around. Ooh.

[A]

It could be the other way around.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

She seems like a boss bitch.

[B]

She does. She seems like she's.

[A]

Yeah, he takes no prisoners.

[B]

He said recently in an interview, he's like, I'm going to stay home and take care of the kids.

[A]

But she said that too, after he said that.

[B]

Oh. So, you know, I think she said that as like a pr so that she didn't seem not nurturing. I buy it from him, not her so much.

[A]

Cause at first he was like. Didn't he say something? He was like, once I get married and have kids, you'll never see me again.

[B]

I believe that. I don't believe Zendaya is going to be, like, done.

[A]

No, I think Zendaya's like, moment.

[B]

She's at the point we're saying it wrong. Am I saying it wrong or you say it wrong? Zendaya or Zendaya?

[A]

I don't know. Do we take a vote? Lauren, you're wrong. I'm wrong. It's Zendaya.

[B]

God.

[A]

Tanner, could you jump on me any faster?

[B]

I'll do anything. I was corrected On Twitter years ago about that. And so I think that's the only reason.

[A]

So how is it?

[B]

It's Zendaya.

[A]

Zendaya, yes. Okay.

[B]

It's a hard.

[A]

I blame it on the Internet because every time that, like, I hear auto tune or whatever, like, say, talk about them, it's always been like, I talk.

[B]

Yeah, I could see that.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Either way, Zendaya, you know what?

[B]

I'm that asshole right now on our date here. That's, like, kind of correcting you. That's one of my biggest pet peeves, is when my husband, or any man for that matter, is like, you know, that's.

[A]

That.

[B]

That's not the word you're trying to say, right? Like, that's such a dick move.

[A]

It's okay. You know what I would do in this position is when the waiter came by, I would tell the waiter that you were having a salad for dinner. Who did I get that from? Ari Shafir's best friend. There's. Who? What was her name? Do you guys remember her name? Adrian LaPolucci. Yes. Wait, was it her? I don't know, man. There was this girl that came on my podcast, and, dude, she had the funniest story that her and her husband like to, like, roast each other.

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

And so at dinner, she will have her husband. She'll say, I want the pasta. And he'll say, no, no, no, I think we. We're going to have a salad tonight. No, no. And so he'll do that. And I thought it was the hottest thing to do.

[B]

Hottest.

[A]

I think that's awesome, dude.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Think about the waiter's face.

[B]

Oh, you mean, like. Cause now it's a throuple?

[A]

Because now the waiter's like, oh, my God, this guy just called. This girl told us she needs a salad instead of a pasta.

[B]

He's now in it.

[A]

So now I've taken that from her. And that's what I would do if at any point in our date things were going sour. I would. I would just make sure to, like, bring you down a notch.

[B]

I gotta. I gotta try. I gotta try to do this.

[A]

I think we should all steal her game.

[B]

I love this.

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[A]

See full [e-mail] where do you like to go for dates? Do you. Are you fancy dinner dates?

[B]

I think it depends. I'm down for anything always. So you could take me to like a rage room and I'm gonna do that thing like I'm gonna take a bat to some TVs.

[A]

Have you done that?

[B]

I have. You should do it. I want you to do that after you have the baby and you're like, oh, I need to fucking do something. I'm so like, you have so many hormones. Please go to a rage room and.

[A]

What are you doing?

[B]

Not with the baby inside you, but.

[A]

You take a base, they give you a baseball bat and you can go break stuff.

[B]

Yeah, they give you like a thing that puts over your face and like a jumpsuit. Gloves. And like you just go into these rooms and they have all this shit that you can like fuck up and you take a bat or you could take the items themselves and you could do whatever you want. It's anarchy.

[A]

Do they charge you for the things you break?

[B]

No. I'll go with you. This will be our second date.

[A]

You know, I really Like, I went on a date one time, and I did pin paintball.

[B]

Oh, okay. How was that? That hurt.

[A]

Well, I'm a good shot.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

So I fucked this guy up.

[B]

Was he an actor? Because he's.

[A]

I would have been. He was not an actor. But, dude, I went bananas on this guy, but he was just a bad shot. I could tell that he, like, wasn't. I mean, I would never put myself in. I would never suggest a date activity that I knew I was going to lose.

[B]

And I bet he thought it was so hot. He's like, bro, she wants to go paintballing.

[A]

Yeah. At first he was like, it's gonna be so fun. And I was like, were you just afraid to hit me? Like, was that what it was? And he was like, yeah, that's what it was.

[B]

Oh, you gave that to him. That was nice.

[A]

Yeah. I tried to be kind.

[B]

Yeah, but. But underneath it all, you were like, yeah.

[A]

I'm like, exactly. You can't shoot for shit.

[B]

This is real talk right here.

[A]

Yeah, but that was. But that did kind of, like, turn me off. The fact that I won that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I wanted to get, like, fucked up.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you did.

[A]

Well, I mean, I didn't want to. I knew I wasn't gonna lose, but, like, deep down, I was hoping that he would have no, like, withholding, that he'd be like, this is what you wanted.

[B]

Yeah. A little, like, punishment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

But then he didn't hit me.

[B]

Was he good in bed?

[A]

I never slept with him.

[B]

Okay, smart.

[A]

That was the day I was like, wow, if you can't even land a shot. Yeah, well, I'm not gonna.

[B]

We know what that means.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I. Vow ended quickly.

[B]

I'm happy for you.

[A]

Let me see. I'll ask you another appetizer question. And then.

[B]

I love that we're still on appetizers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Am I showing enough, like, cleavage for the.

[A]

The viewers to be like, no, we need navel.

[B]

We need it all. I got it.

[A]

The navel.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Take one for the T. Are your boobs real?

[B]

No. I think I might have to get a redone at some point too.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Well, Cause I got them at 18.

[A]

It's a good, ripe age.

[B]

Toxic Hollywood culture in the early 2000s. Coming from Disney, I was like, gotta get the titties.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So got the boobs. Wanted to do Maxim. Never got to do Maxim.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I don't know. I was, like, begging to do Maxim.

[A]

You're like a Hollywood star. They should be begging you.

[B]

Yeah. I was a teenager. You would have thought that, you know, but I, I, I, I don't mind it. It's okay. I'm sure it was God's divine hand that was like, she doesn't need to do that. And, But I would do it now. Like, honestly, if they wanted, like a milfy, like, you know, throwback, no one would know.

[A]

You've had kids, by the way.

[B]

Well, and then airbrushing is, is possible, right? It was always a thing. We can, we can. I love a filter. Why are people so weird about filters?

[A]

I don't, I think that filters are fine as long as you have good lighting. Because if you look like a blur.

[B]

And then you put the face on.

[A]

Oh, I get pissed off. I'm like, stop. Just stop.

[B]

Well, and I always ask my friends, like, hey, like, we kind of have this unspoken thing that we filter each other and then send them it, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like we make sure that we all have each. It's like the filter mafia.

[A]

So what did you do when you couldn't do Maxim?

[B]

Oh, this was about the boobs. So I basically just lived with the boobs and just kind of people perceive you as sort of the goody goody when you come from Disney. And I think that's what made me kind of bounce back and ricochet in my dating life and was sort of like a little bit of, a little bit of a, you know, little freak.

[A]

Why would you get them redone?

[B]

Because one of them popped and then it was like, oh, shit, what do I do? It was like, you know, you're lopsided for. Yeah, for like, as long as you don't get the surgery back. So then I re, I put different implants in them. Turns out that the ones I got are like, these gummy ones.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That can cause cancer.

[A]

Were they silicone?

[B]

I don't know if they're like silicone or whatever they are. They're just like, gummy.

[A]

Yeah. I think the saline ones, that's the.

[B]

Ones I had before.

[A]

And that's what popped. Yes, but that's supposed to be better if it pops, right?

[B]

Like, it's, it's definitely. These are indestructible. If I burn up in a car accident, like, the Tesla will still be there. And my gummies. Now I have a cybertruck, so.

[A]

You have a cybertruck.

[B]

I love that I drove a cybertruck.

[A]

You know, a lot of people think that they're so dumb looking. I think that they are awesome.

[B]

They are awesome. I'm, I love my cybertruck.

[A]

I have a ex, but I want the truck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I saw an Instagram thing where they took the cybertruck to a cemetery.

[B]

Oh, yeah. My husband was telling me about this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's, like, spooky.

[A]

Yeah. You can see people walking on the navigation. But I'm like, did Elon Musk just.

[B]

That's what Brent.

[A]

That's what my husband program that.

[B]

And if you put it in Santa mode, you'll see them as elves.

[A]

Did you know that the voice command, if you say, open butthole, the charge port will open?

[B]

That's adorable. I'm gonna try that on my way home.

[A]

You can also do the voice command, blow me. And it will turn your air up one notch.

[B]

Just one notch.

[A]

So you have to say, blow me, blow me, blow me.

[B]

What about. Oh, man, Ilana, he's got one big personality. It makes you wonder, is it him or is it just some sassy Gen Z product?

[A]

But I'm sure he approved it, so at the end of the day, he's like, yeah, I like that. You know? So you know he's a freak too.

[B]

Oh, totally.

[A]

So open butthole.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Well, open your charge port. We're gonna get into some main course questions now. What is the best pickup line you've ever heard?

[B]

Man, I'm so direct that I think I enjoy being the person that breaks the ice. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

You like to approach the guy.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've ever. I have a bitch face, so I've never really was approached that much.

[A]

Until you smile, then you look really friendly.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

It's like the resting bitch face turns completely to, like. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. But if you're not smiling, I can see where you'd be very intimidating.

[B]

Very intimidating.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, that's. That confirms it.

[A]

And you have fake boobs, so that's what it is.

[B]

You're like, you know, I nursed for three years, so now they really look real.

[A]

Oh, no. What's gonna happen to me?

[B]

You're just gonna get them. Get them done again or something?

[A]

Mine are real.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

I'll get boobs. Yeah, I'll get them fixed.

[B]

Yeah. I think, as you know, after you have the baby, you. You have to admit, it's like, okay, I'm gonna have a different body, and whatever that is, I'm gonna have to approach it differently.

[A]

But, yeah, you.

[B]

Here's the thing. You die, but then you're reborn. A mom.

[A]

That's cute.

[B]

And as long as your man is really excited, he has an opportunity to really support you too. And that's a turn on too, in its own way.

[A]

He doesn't have a choice. I'll murder him.

[B]

Good.

[A]

So, yeah, yeah, I've got the bitch inside.

[B]

I'm down the street and I've got a cyber truck. I've got a cyber truck. I'll take say less.

[A]

So you like to approach the guy. What do you look for in a guy when you see him? What, like, turns you on?

[B]

Well, because I'm married to a Marine, I'm not allowed to look at any man.

[A]

I mean, that's also. That's fine.

[B]

But I will say what. What attracts me? I love hands. Like, big hands. That's another thing about the actor boys. They have these, like, little tiny little wrists and these little tiny little hands that, like, didn't do shit when they were, like, growing up because they were like, in theater camp. And. And like, I just like, like, manly hands.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cute butt. And my husband has both of those.

[A]

Like, really well, like a baseball butt.

[B]

He does? Yeah.

[A]

I don't know how baseball players have. Is it because they're squatting? Do they just do squats?

[B]

That makes sense.

[A]

All the time. Or they're running.

[B]

And I'm sure football players too, because he was like rugby football, like all that stuff.

[A]

Hot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd say those are my two things.

[A]

Okay. I like big shoulders.

[B]

Ooh. Okay.

[A]

I like.

[B]

Do you like tall guys?

[A]

I do.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. I was married to a short guy at one point in my life. And when that ended, I was like, never again.

[B]

Yeah. My first was a very short comedian.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I heard someone back there go, who? You can Google it.

[B]

You can Google it.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. I went the opposite direction. I was like, we're done at this height and we're. We're lifting up.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Well, let's say that before your husband, you go out with a guy and you really, really liked him. What was something that they could do to really ruin that?

[B]

Damn, I was so ex. Okay, okay, okay. Let me try to think back.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

[B]

Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting well with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail]. progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. Steal my cigarettes.

[A]

Steal your cigarettes?

[B]

Yeah. So back in the day, I did definitely smoke a lot. And I remember dating this one guy who was like, this like, out of work. But he was a really good photographer and he would just always bum my cigarettes because he, like, didn't have enough money for his own.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And it was, like, a massive turnoff.

[A]

I see what you're saying.

[B]

Yeah. Don't. Don't steal your girl's cigarettes.

[A]

Yeah. He should be buying them and offering them to you if he knows that you like to smoke.

[B]

It's also indicative that, like, you just don't have enough money to buy the cigarettes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So also, don't smoke is bad, but I mean.

[A]

Yeah. Did you ever go on a date where the guy tried to get you to, like, pay half or pay for the date?

[B]

You know, I don't think that would have been a turn off for me because I think I was so financially independent since I was a kid that it wasn't, like, important to me if they couldn't afford it. I think, like, with this sake of that one photographer, he's like an artist, but I don't think there's a future there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I think it definitely, like, makes the relationship feel a certain way, and I'm not sure if that ensures a future.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For us.

[A]

When did you move to Austin?

[B]

2020.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The mass exodus.

[A]

So you moved actually when Covid kind of started. Right.

[B]

Let's see. It started really in March, and then we moved in November. And then we were here for that big old freeze.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Here.

[A]

No, I came in the year after that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I was here the year after in May.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I remember everyone was just telling me, they're like, oh, you just missed, like, this big, huge freeze.

[B]

Yeah. Because it was in February.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It was February 2021.

[A]

Yeah. And so I came in 2022. In May. No. Was it. It was some. No, it was 2021.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was here in 2021.

[B]

Yeah. So that was. I think we had a pretty. Did we have a mild summer that summer? This is how, you know, we're old. We care about, like. God, I don't. That wasn't the summer in 2021.

[A]

So. So many things have happened since I've moved to Austin. I've done more in Austin than, like, ever in la. And I think it's primarily because of traffic, because I would never want to go anywhere.

[B]

Oh, no, I would.

[A]

I would hate going places and, like, doing things because it was just so.

[B]

Oh, forget about going to Santa Monica.

[A]

It was two hours.

[B]

When your friends moved to, like, Santa Monica or the beach, you're like, you.

[A]

Moon to Colorado Like Vegas. Yeah. I'm never gonna see you again.

[B]

Yeah. There's no reason.

[A]

There was like a going away party.

[B]

It was like, see you on the west side now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And like, I'll see you for your birthday.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But that was bad, maybe.

[B]

Yeah. No. I was so happy to leave la. I'm so, so in love with Austin. It's kind of sickening how in love with it I am. But, you know, I came here during a time that was very scary for young parents. Well, not young parents, but, you know, having young kids in your. You know, there's. Everything was burning still back then. Everything was burning when we were moving. It was like you could see the smoke over the mountain.

[A]

California's been on fire since I can even remember.

[B]

Mudslides and fires are nothing new.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're really nothing new. But it was just one of those things of like, you know, it's raining ash, predictably. And I was living in Orange county and so it was Nashville or Austin. And by the roll of the dice, it was Austin. And I think that the food scene, the culture, the arts, like, it's. It's kind of all like here and brewing all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That I've never second guessed.

[A]

It's a roll of the dice. I feel for a lot of people going to either Austin or. Or Nashville, but I do think it's rude that Austin tries to claim itself as the music capital.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

Have you, like, if you. If you believe that Austin is the music capital, you have not been to Nashville.

[B]

Right, Exactly. I completely agree with you. And I wish it. I wish that weren't the case. I wish we did have more music here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But we have so many other things going on. Like. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine.

[A]

I would say that we're probably one of the biggest comedy capitals.

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

I would say that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now with Mothership and all the comics that are moving here and all the comedy that you can go see, I'd say, like, here in New York seem to be like the biggest ones to me.

[B]

Yeah. Does Matt Rife still live here? He did for like a hot second.

[A]

Yeah. I think he had a place here.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

But I'm pretty sure he's on the road for like, the next two years.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

I don't think he's doing.

[B]

You've interviewed him?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is he good looking?

[A]

He is good looking, but I've known Matt for like 10 years.

[B]

Oh, got it. So before the surgeries, he hasn't had surgery. That's the whole rumor is that Matt Rife had surgeries. That's why he's so gorgeous.

[A]

No, unfortunately, that motherfucker's just pretty.

[B]

Damn it.

[A]

I know.

[B]

He's definitely not got actor hands.

[A]

I knew him when he was, like, 20.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

He was just like a baby.

[B]

He's a cool guy.

[A]

Yeah, he seems like a cool guy. He's always been really nice, and he's always been very gay looking. Yeah, but he's not, right, sadly. He's just. He's not the Channing Tatum type, you know?

[B]

He's just.

[A]

He's just a funny, masculine dude with really, a beautiful face.

[B]

Damn it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Get out of Austin.

[A]

Don't.

[B]

We don't need it.

[A]

Luckily, he's not here. I never run into him. Get out of here. I don't know why. He bleached his hair blonde recently. I.

[B]

He's going through something.

[A]

I'm staying out of that one. But I'm just like, hmm, we didn't need to go Pete Davidson.

[B]

Oh, no, never. No, please don't. No, I'm not a fan.

[A]

I wouldn't be surprised if he went down that path, though.

[B]

Okay. You should call him. Be like, how you doing?

[A]

I just want to check in, just make sure we're not Pete Davidson. Okay, well, I've got, like, two more questions, and I'm going to ask you my dessert question. Have you ever been cheated on?

[B]

Probably.

[A]

Oh, no. You don't even know if you have.

[B]

That's sad.

[A]

That's the worst.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I had a pretty toxic relationship where it was like, the guy would still go back to this one particular person, and we were like, on and off, and, you know, they ended up getting married and they did. Yeah. So what's that one movie? Good Luck Chuck. I was like, Bad Luck Christy, because I did not make. Damn. Yeah, the breakup was really, really bad. But. But, yeah, you know, I. Oh, Jesus Christ. It was a really bad breakup. It was like, you know, he kept going back to this one person, and I just kept going to the bars and trying to find different people not to think about this person. And no one was happy, you know, So I. At least something good came of it where it was like. At least they ended up together.

[A]

Yeah. Like, forever. Yeah.

[B]

But other than that, if somebody cheated, like, I don't think I had the knowledge of it. No.

[A]

Yeah. Do you think open relations.

[B]

Oh, wait. I actually have a great story.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've been. I've been the person that I did not know that I was the Other person. And it was a guy that I met in my apartment complex, and he had this, like, dog, this, like, massive English bulldog thing. And he would always walk his dog, but he brought the dog over to come and see me, and it would crap in my house. And I never understood why it would be crapping in my house. When he would come by and see me, and it turns out that he would tell his girlfriend, who was his live in girlfriend, that he was walking the dog, but then he would come and see me. And then I met a second girl that was like, yeah, my friend lives here and she thinks her boyfriend's cheating on her and we don't know what. And I was like, wait a minute.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Put the pieces together. You always get found out.

[A]

Wow. You know, there's a story like that in my apartment building. The odds of this girl listening to my podcast are very slim. Not zero, but slim. She went to Egypt for, like, a wedding, and she was gone for, like, two weeks. And there's this other guy that lives in our apartment that has a great big German shepherd, and they, like, through. You can tell in the elevators like, that they, like, go to each other's, like, apartments and all this stuff. Okay, so they're dating.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's been, like, a thing for, like, over a year that I've.

[B]

Oh, this is, like, now, now. Oh, okay. Okay.

[A]

So just a couple months ago, this girl goes to Egypt, and then this guy is bringing home all these different girls to his apartment. And I'm like. And we're in the elevator and I'm just like. And I, like, know that this is, like, going on. And then you should tell him he needs a salad. Well, the girl came back. Yes. Seriously, no more possibly for you. Well, then the girl comes home, and then the girl. The other girls disappear, and they start going back and forth to each other's apartments again. And I'm like, oh, I want to tell this girl, but, like, it's not my lane. Stay in your own lane.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Don't you know it's not your business.

[B]

But you could always pretend because you're pregnant. Like, you can use that card and just be like, oh, it's my pregnancy brain.

[A]

I'm having a hot flash. She's cheating on you. It's like, crazy. And then the last time that I saw her, she's like, oh, yeah, we're moving out. We're moving to the east side and.

[B]

Oh, shit, they're moving in together.

[A]

Yeah. So now they're moving out. Of the apartment and they're moving into. It's like. It's like a reality show.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

In my apartment.

[B]

I don't like this.

[A]

Yeah, I don't like this, so I don't either. But I'm gonna be really sad when they move. My drama is gonna be gone. I really enjoyed the tea, you know.

[B]

I hope she had fun in Egypt. That's all I have to say.

[A]

I asked her if she had fun. She got food poisoning.

[B]

Oh, fuck. This poor girl.

[A]

I know. She didn't even have a dad. I was like, damn.

[B]

Damn. How many girls would you say he was?

[A]

At least four. Two weeks.

[B]

He fucked with four girls?

[A]

Yeah. At least four in two weeks that we're going. That we're going. And. And let me just say that this guy is not a 10.

[B]

Of course not. They never are.

[A]

He's not the kind. Like, he looks like this sluggish. Looks like his dog. Like, he looks like a sluggish German shepherd.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

And with this, like, messy hair and he's always wearing Crocs and like has this, like, he walks like a pregnant person.

[B]

Yeah. You're like, that's me, not you.

[A]

Yeah, Fix yourself. I'm like, clean yourself up.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And he pulls these girls and I'm.

[B]

Just like, are they really cute too?

[A]

I think anything he can pull is cute. Yeah, for him.

[B]

Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. The Austin dating scene sounds really rough. Although I would have thought moving here in my twenties would have been fun because there's all these like running club guys and they all, like, you know, just seem really clean cut. Yeah. But. But from what I'm told is like the same people on the apps keep saying, seeing the same people.

[A]

Yeah, it's a small. It's a small fishbowl.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm really glad that we did live here when we did. You're knocked up and I'm stuck in the suburbs.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

So I guess for my dessert question.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

How did your husband propose to you?

[B]

Oh, I love this question. So we were in Italy and we, you know, I kind of knew that he had a ring in the bag.

[A]

How did you know what was. What gave it away? Did you pick it out?

[B]

Well, I think he was just really bad about. It was this ring and I think it was that he was trying to ask for, you know, my ring size. And we had kind of picked out stuff in the past and you know, we actually got engaged six months in. So codependency was this Is the, The. The tip of the day just codependency, lucky finding. Finding a way to. Yeah. So, so basically he has the ring in this bag and we go to Venice and we went to Rome. And in Rome, we got super hammered. He took all these different shots of like, limoncello.

[A]

Yum.

[B]

And he actually got propositioned for a threesome when he went to the bathroom from, like, two beautiful Italian women too, they were like, super hammered. And they come out and they're like, your wife or your girlfriend, she can join too. And he was like, no, you don't understand. I'm proposing. I can't. Bad timing, bad timing, bad timing. So that night we proceeded to get so hammered, he ended up on a Vespa of a stranger. And somehow we met at an after hours bar and we had the most amazing time. But then he paid for it with his ibs and he was so sick, we ended up in a hospital and somebody flatlined because socialist medicine is like a curtain for.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

He was having the worst trip ever. And he told me while he was. And I had to be like, going back and forth from Florence train station or our Airbnb to the hospital. I didn't know where the fuck I was.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

And so it turned out that it became this, like, in sickness or health type test. And I knew that the ring was in the bag. And he kept telling me when I went to go see him, he goes, don't open the bag, don't open the bag. And it was, you know, it was like, okay, like, I'm not gonna open the bag. Although I know it's in there and it's like the biggest temptation. So he did come through. I don't know. He said, you know, somehow the heavens parted and he wasn't feeling sick when we were on a gondola and he was just like, I proposed to you. Maybe it was the adrenaline, but I felt okay. And he proposed on a gondola, like towards the end of the trip.

[A]

That's so cute.

[B]

Yeah, it was great.

[A]

That's awesome. Was he sick most of the trip?

[B]

Yeah. I would say after the first, like two days. And it was like a 10 day trip. He was pretty much sick.

[A]

No way.

[B]

It was shitty.

[A]

Yeah. And it was like food poisoning.

[B]

It's like that, but with the. I think it was like alcohol that kind of burned his. His stomach biting.

[A]

He should have, like, prepped himself before.

[B]

He was just. I think he must have been nervous. Guys are weird like that.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Yeah, he was nervous for sure.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

I know.

[A]

That's a fun story, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's cool. And then how long did it take for you guys to get married after that?

[B]

We waited, like, a long time after, you know, it was six months. So soon. We waited two years.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. Yeah. Finally got married.

[A]

Well, congratulations.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Congratulations to you. I'm so excited. You do look beautiful.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. And no fucking wrinkle on the face. Okay.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You're glowing.

[A]

It's because it's fat. It's filled with fat.

[B]

Skinny people don't age well.

[A]

I. So one thing I'll take. Where can people find you?

[B]

You know, I'm on Instagram. I've been on YouTube. You can connect, I think. Connect with me on.

[A]

I've been on YouTube.

[B]

I know. I've had a whole podcast. Life and career and stuff. And, you know, Special Forces is out right now. I did this insane reality show. You must watch it.

[A]

I will.

[B]

It's on Hulu. And it's this crazy, like, you name it. Denise Richards popped her implants jumping off a bridge.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Yeah, they basically. You torture celebrities with military training, and it's in its third season. Cam Newton's in it, who's a massive NFL player.

[A]

Do you yell at people on this show?

[B]

They yell at you? Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But my husband trained me and he trained me and he yelled at me, and I kind of like.

[A]

I was gonna say, was that, like, hot?

[B]

It was so hot. Yeah, it was so hot. I was so into it.

[A]

That's awesome. Well, thank you for coming on my show.

[B]

Are you kidding me? I got no red flags. I heard that's, like, a thing, right? Yeah, I got no red flags. No.

[A]

You're married. You have kids. You've, like. I mean, I think codependency is a green flag. You found someone who was into that. Another green flag. I. I mean, you even accepted the salad. When I pitched that at you, you're like, okay. Thank you, guys so much for watching another episode. We will see you next time.

[B]

First date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass.

[A]

Of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Yes.

[B]

Say you ready. Delete my number. First date. Your parents are your roommates. First date.