Babies, Boys & Big Laughs: Steve Rannazzisi Tells All | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: Babies, Boys & Big Laughs: Steve Rannazzisi Tells All | First Date with Lauren Compton

Release Date: March 11, 2025

Hosts: Steve Rannazzisi and Lauren Compton

In this engaging episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, comedian and actor Steve Rannazzisi joins host Lauren Compton to delve into the humorous and heartfelt intricacies of parenting, dating, and navigating the challenges of raising teenage sons. The conversation flows seamlessly from personal anecdotes about childbirth to the trials and tribulations of guiding young men through adolescence.

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1. Home Birth Experiences

Steve and Lauren kick off the discussion by sharing their personal experiences with home births. Steve recounts the logistical preparations and the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies delivering a child outside of a hospital setting.

• Steve (00:02:34): "We're gonna do it at your house in a kid's tub. That's sick."

• Lauren (00:04:20): "You've got a home birth at home? Nice."

2. Navigating Labor and Delivery at Home

The duo humorously touches on the practical aspects of home births, including setting up inflatable pools and managing medical supplies without traditional hospital support.

• Steve (00:07:00): "He thought they were going to do everything when labor started. It turns out, it's a whole operation."

• Lauren (00:08:00): "We call it my Dexter murder box. It's like a go bag filled with everything you need."

3. Raising Teenage Sons: Independence and Challenges

Steve discusses the unique challenges of parenting teen boys, emphasizing the balance between fostering independence and maintaining oversight. He shares insights into teaching his sons responsibility, particularly through activities like driving.

• Steve (00:20:06): "He's very perceptive. He knows what he's doing, but it's a lot to handle."

• Lauren (00:22:04): "Do you let him listen to music while he's driving right now?"

4. Teaching Driving Skills and Responsibility

A significant portion of the conversation centers around the anxiety and strategies involved in teaching teenage sons to drive. Steve humorously describes his unconventional methods and the unpredictability of teenage drivers.

• Steve (00:21:19): "He's like, who goes first? Whoever's the angriest, they go first."

• Lauren (00:22:10): "Why do we use our blinker? How far away?"

5. Kids and Relationships: Navigating Friendships and Crushes

Steve and Lauren explore the dynamics of adolescent relationships, touching on how their sons manage friendships and romantic interests. They discuss the complexities of modern dating for teens, including the influence of social media.

• Steve (00:25:12): "He's like, forget this middle school bullshit. Give me an island and 30 choices."

• Lauren (00:35:55): "He learned what 69 is."

6. The Art of Naming Children: Traditions vs. Modern Choices

The conversation takes a lighter turn as Steve and Lauren debate the merits of traditional versus contemporary names for their children. They share the stories behind their sons’ names and the playful negotiations involved in choosing them.

• Steve (00:48:03): "There was never another name. He was like, Jax from day one."

• Lauren (00:50:02): "They start calling the baby Jax. Now things have his name on it."

7. Social Media Influence and Sharing Parenthood Online

Steve reflects on the impact of social media on parenting, particularly how platforms like TikTok influence his approach to sharing family moments. He humorously notes the generational gap in social media usage between him and his sons.

• Steve (00:57:44): "They have more followers than I do on TikTok, but I guess."

• Lauren (00:57:19): "Do the sketch. Teach him how to drive the way you were saying."

8. Balancing Comedy and Family Life

Throughout the episode, Steve and Lauren showcase their ability to blend humor with the serious aspects of family life. Steve discusses the balancing act required to manage a career in comedy while being present and supportive as a father.

• Steve (00:57:32): "I'll try out the driving sketch. Teaching him how to drive the real way. It'll be good content."

• Lauren (00:57:08): "You'd have to live up to that name. You're laying brick driveways or running numbers."

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Notable Highlights and Quotes

• Steve on Home Births:
  "You could either explode or I could explode in this podcast. You have a baby." (00:01:36)

• Lauren on Parenting Approaches:
  "I'm just excited to get them out of me." (00:04:53)

• Steve on Teaching Driving:
  "Feel it out. You'll know when you're scared." (00:21:07)

• Discussion on Naming Sons:
  "Jackson Black will be required, like, twice in his life." (00:47:57)

• Balancing Social Media with Family:
  "They have more followers than I do on TikTok, but I guess." (00:57:44)

---

Concluding Remarks

The episode wraps up with Steve and Lauren reflecting on the joys and challenges of parenting, the influence of modern technology on family dynamics, and the ongoing journey of raising responsible and respectful young men. Their candid and comedic exchange offers listeners relatable insights into balancing family life with personal growth and career.

Tune in Next Week:
Join Steve Rannazzisi and Lauren Compton for another installment of First Date with Lauren Compton, where they continue to explore the wild ride of dating and parenting with celebrity guests each week.

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Timestamp Reference:
(For illustrative purposes, timestamps correspond to the transcript sections provided.)

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

I'm so excited to see you tonight.

[A]

First Date, baby. First date.

[B]

I can't wait. First date. Hello and thank you for tuning in to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a comedian and an actor. You can see him in Denver at the end of this month at Comedy Works. Give it up for Steve Ranazizi.

[A]

Thank you very much. Much thanks. Nice to be here.

[B]

Thank you for coming on.

[A]

Thank you for having me. It's. I was just telling you before, I just came from Terry Black's barbecue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This could be a short interview.

[B]

What'd you have?

[A]

I may have to get out of here real quickly.

[B]

It's.

[A]

I ate a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, you know, it's like, you want to do everything when you come to Austin. That's always something I want to do, but my scheduling, like to do it before a podcast or an interview probably wasn't the best plan.

[B]

It's brave.

[A]

Yeah. And I. I didn't. I didn't, like, like, oh, let's, like, throttle down because we've got.

[B]

No.

[A]

I hit the gas full.

[B]

Good. That's how you do it.

[A]

Yeah. So I said, like, you could either explode or I could explode in this podcast. You have a baby. Or, you know, I could give a brisket baby at my butt.

[B]

Yeah. So either way, they'll smell the same.

[A]

Yeah. And, you know, they'll keep the cameras rolling if either of those things happen.

[B]

Oh, for sure. We, like viral moments over here.

[A]

Yeah, that's going to be well worth. We should put that behind a paywall.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

One of us actually explodes on the podcast. For sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm in a great nursing gown.

[A]

So, I mean, I mean, it's just.

[B]

Like, it's a onesie thing, you know, easily.

[A]

Let me tell you, if guys, we would be naked, like, it would be. You'd be in, like, a Burt. Like Burt. You would be in, like, a little banana hammock.

[B]

I can't believe I'm getting Burt right now.

[A]

No, but, like, the last. Like I'm saying, you have like, self respect.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like, so you're like, I'm gonna wear. Gonna wear whatever's comfortable to cover up. But like, if men. Like the last two weeks, you said you're uncomfortable. Like, we would be in just like. Like a. Like, you know, a Speedo. And I would just be like, out, like job with a hut out here and with no shame whatsoever.

[B]

But you're so. You're. You have two kids.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you've seen her give birth.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you think that men could handle it?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, like, the first one. Yes. The first ones are gonna be real bad. Like, the first guys to do it are not gonna be great, but we'll get like, you know, they sent us into coal mines and into war and stuff, so we'll figure it out. It's. We're gonna complain more about it. I mean, it's gonna be. And of course, as soon as men could get pregnant, then we'll. They'll figure out a way to like, just get the baby out without you even knowing it happened.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But no, I mean, it's. I think you guys did move. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

To do that. No pun intended.

[A]

Well, that's. I mean, yes. I think you guys are the better. The better version of people to be able to give birth than men, women. You know, I'm saying it's like you're. I think you guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, for. For all the reasons that are obvious.

[B]

Yeah. I was thinking about it the other day and I'm like, you know, the reason that behind the pain and childbirth is because that bitch Eve ate an apple.

[A]

I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I went to Catholic school, but like.

[B]

Yeah, that's. This. That's. That's the whole reason behind Christianity's was because.

[A]

Wait, they didn't have parts before she ate the apple?

[B]

No, no. So Eve ate the apple.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And God said that if you ate the apple from the tree that you would be punished. And the snake was like, eat the apple. Like, was there nothing else in this garden that she wanted to eat anyway, she ate the apple. And then God was like, because you did that, women from now on, because you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Will have pain during childbirth.

[A]

Really? Wait, but wait, hold on, hold on. Before that, it was just gonna be like a. Like a.

[B]

Like delivering a package.

[A]

Like, easy.

[B]

Like, like taking a crap or peeing, like crab or pee.

[A]

But because she did that, that was the punishment. Yeah, that sounds right. That sounds very Catholic.

[B]

Fucked up.

[A]

Yeah, that sounds pretty Catholic to me. I never heard that.

[B]

And you Want to know the one thing I've been craving this whole pregnancy?

[A]

Meatloaf.

[B]

Apples.

[A]

Why can't you eat apples?

[B]

It's just a bad memory. Every time I eat an apple, I'm like, this is why.

[A]

Really?

[B]

This is gonna suck.

[A]

It does. I mean, some people have a great time with it. Some people are. This is the best. Like. I know. I've heard some women be like, I loved being pregnant the entire time. I felt like they get sad when they're not.

[B]

Yeah. They are also serial killers.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I mean, it doesn't look awesome. I'm gonna be honest with you. I mean, you look great, but it doesn't look fun.

[B]

It's not fun.

[A]

No, not at all.

[B]

No.

[A]

My wife hated. My wife had the thing where I can't remember the name of it. The princess had it as well, where you throw up, like, the moment she finds out she's pregnant. Nausea, like. No, no, I'm talking 24 7. Like the flu. That's how she spent her entire pregnancy.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. Like, when you wake up, your eyes open up, and then you throw up, and then, like, you know, you throw up an hour later, and you just feel, like, dead to the world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so when we. She gave birth, she was. She was so excited because, like, that was over, then that was done, and then, like, thank goodness, the prep. The birth was easy.

[B]

Oh, good. She deserved that.

[A]

Yeah. Like, the water breaks, and then it doesn't happen right away.

[B]

No, I know.

[A]

Like, I. My first son that was born, I had scheduled. I had scheduled a colonic that day. That's when they were very popular. Right. Everybody was getting colonics. So I. And it was like, this guy was the guy to go to, like, the number, and it was hard to get an appointment. So she's like. She had. She goes, I just took a shower. My water broke. I think she goes, but I don't feel anything. And I was like, okay, all right. I go, we should go to the hospital. She's like, okay. I'm like, but I'll be back in, like, an hour, hour and a half. I have to go run to this appointment, get my colonic. And then I come back, and then we're set. We'll go. And she's like, what? You're good. I go, yeah. I'm like this. Because we have time. Like, I know you're not going to give birth, like, the next hour, and I really need this appointment, like, to try to get this appointment.

[B]

Like, you had to go. You had stuffed.

[A]

Everyone is suffering so we have to. You know, we have to make. So I got my colonic, came back, and she had the bag ready to go, and then we went to the hospital. But it was like seven, eight, ten hours of just sitting there waiting, and then they get closer and closer, and then seven pushes right out the door.

[B]

Dang. And that was the first or second?

[A]

First. Second one was pretty similar to that as well. Yeah, yeah. But the second one was, like, not, like, four to five days late after the. And she was like, yeah, yeah, it's time to go. And then, like, they gave her, like. I think it's Pitocin or something like that. It kind of speeds it up and. And then.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It gets it going.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you know you're ready. I know, like, at this point, like, there's nothing. Like, if you had birth right now, there would be nothing.

[B]

None of us.

[A]

And I'm not a doctor, but, like, there would be nothing.

[B]

Like, we'd be like, the baby's done cooking paywall.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's over. So it's just a matter of, like, when it wants to come out.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I have conversations with them all the time. I'm like, anytime you're ready.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And then I poke him, and then he kicks me.

[A]

What are you most excited about? You asked me, like. Cause I told you my sons were 16. You're like, that's awesome. But I'm like, new baby smell. There's nothing better.

[B]

The first thing I want to do is put him in jiu jitsu classes. I'm gonna train a bodyguard.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

So I'm gonna have, like, my own security everywhere I go.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I'm gonna make sure that this guy is, like, a tough. A badass.

[A]

Yeah. Nothing you. No values put inside of him, whatever. Oh, yeah.

[B]

I didn't really think about that. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm just.

[A]

No intelligence. Just straight up.

[B]

I'm gonna make sure that he can clean up after himself. We're gonna do chores and manners. I like. Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

[A]

Y polit.

[B]

Yeah. So stuff like that, and then. I don't know. I guess we'll figure it out as we go. But those are my. Yeah.

[A]

You know, no one ever is like that.

[B]

I want, like, the Southern charm.

[A]

Yeah. You'll get that. You're living.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Down here.

[B]

And so as long as he grows up to be protective and kind.

[A]

Yeah. That seems pretty reasonable goals.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's all you really like a good person. Yes. If you get the lottery and there's some sort of genetic freak. And they can play a sport or do something like that is bigger than everyone else's.

[B]

But, like, I'm cool with jiu jitsu.

[A]

Yeah. Give me public school. Fine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all I'm looking for.

[B]

And I got see what happens from there.

[A]

Yeah. Are you like, excited about like, something that, like, you've been like, waiting for for the baby, like changing diapers or anything like that? Or like, I don't know.

[B]

Right now I'm just excited to get them out of me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, like, just.

[A]

Are you 100%? Are you going out the old school way or are you gonna do the open the C section?

[B]

Oh, no, I'm doing a home birth.

[A]

Home birth at home?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I've always wondered how those go.

[B]

I'll let you know.

[A]

Do they have YouTube videos on how. Yeah, do they show you?

[B]

Like, you can go on Instagram and you can see people giving birth. Like, Instagram, no censorship. Like me, if I tried to post a sexy picture, my belly buttons out. I have to like, blur my belly button or I get canceled.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

But on these home birth sites, there's like pain free birth and all this stuff. You can see straight up a baby coming out.

[A]

Are you filming it?

[B]

No. No.

[A]

Okay. That was legitimate.

[B]

Like, some people were great question, but no. No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't want. I.

[A]

Do you have ring cameras in the house that maybe will just capture secondhand. Okay. All right. I mean, yeah, I did not. There was no. Like, we were in a hospital. I didn't really, like, take any pictures or any of that stuff. Like afterwards when everyone was like, fine.

[B]

It was a shock, right?

[A]

Yeah. I wasn't like one of those guys that was like, look at us, we're live, you know?

[B]

Like, dude, I was like, that's how you're still married.

[A]

Yeah. I was holding a foot. Cause I was up north. And then she just said the craziest shit I've ever heard. She was like, she goes, thank God I'm a good swimmer. And I was like, yes, babes, you're a great swimmer. I don't even know that. Like, she would. Oh, I swim, I swim. I go, you're the best swimmer I know. And then later on, she's like, I said that because I was holding my breath. She felt like she could hold her breath long and really give a good push on the contraction. But like, that's what the. But in the moment, I was like, I don't even know what I'm like, swim. Swim as fast as you can swim forever, babe. You're like a dolphin. I love it.

[B]

Let's go. Michael Phelps.

[A]

Yeah. So that's all I did. I was encouraged. Then you go over. Then they literally. They bring it over to another area to count everything. I went over with air, and then I made the mistake of. My wife goes, is everything great? I turned around and go, everything's great. And then I saw the business end.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And. And that was like a split second. And I was like. I went right back to, like, the baby and the beautifulness, but it was a split second of, like. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. The whole. Why the sheet and everything is down there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But you're gonna. It's all out.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I mean, I'll be in a pool.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We have, like, a little.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I get.

[B]

Yeah, the pool thing. Hot tub, so. And it'll be dark.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

It'll be candles, so it's not gonna be like.

[A]

Is your house clean?

[B]

Very.

[A]

Is it always clean? Or, like, are you, like. I have to clean it every day now because who knows when I'm gonna pop.

[B]

I've been having my house cleaners come over, like, every three days. Yeah.

[A]

Smart.

[B]

Just to keep it, like, extra fresh.

[A]

Who cleans up the after, the house.

[B]

Cleaners or the midwives?

[A]

The midwife is like, this is part of my thing, too.

[B]

You would be shocked at how big of an operation it is to do a home birth. It's like. It's like the hospital comes to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's that much stuff.

[A]

But it wasn't always that way. My wife's grandmother just turned 100 last week. Right. And so we went to the. Like, a little birthday party for her, and the news came, and.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Yeah, the new, like, the. Like, the Long island news came, and so they were, like. They were asking questions, and one of the questions they asked, were, you born in a hospital? And I didn't think about that. Jimmy Carter just died, and he was the last president to not be born in a hospital. And her grandmother was not born in a hospital. She was one of eight. She was the youngest of eight children, and they couldn't afford it. They couldn't. Like, by the eighth one, they couldn't afford it, and they already knew what they were doing, so they just literally gave birth to her in the living room.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

The parents and maybe, like, a friend that like, new medicine a little bit, and that was it. So it's really, like, it's always been going on. It doesn't seem. Yeah, it seems weird. Now because like, I mean to me, it like I was nervous. If anything goes wrong, I don't know, I. I'm not the person to be in a house. Like I would freak out. I would run to my room and just start crying. Like in my room. Like at least in a hospital. Other people like, handle it. Yes, handle it.

[B]

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[A]

They got it all handled.

[B]

Yeah. And then two of them come and then they. I have, like. I call it my Dexter murder box.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Like a go bag.

[B]

And it was all the stuff that I had to order to do the home birth. It's like all the medical stuff and all this stuff. I've got a pool. I already.

[A]

Is it already set up? That's another thing. I'm like.

[B]

And it's inflatable. So you had. We had to blow it up and make sure that it worked.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Because you don't want to.

[A]

Who needs a raft problem in the middle of labor? Yeah. You'll be sitting in the living room.

[B]

So you had to blow it up and then you deflate it and whatever. So that's like chilling in my living room.

[A]

How are we filling it? Hose. Got the hose in there.

[B]

Or there's a 55 foot hose that goes from my shower head all the way through my room to my living room into the pool.

[A]

Really? Is that already set up, too?

[B]

I mean, it's not set up, but there's an attachment and all you do is.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Put it on.

[A]

Yep. Do they have, like, jets? Is it like a Jacuzzi tub? Like, will it, like, can you sit in there and, like, it's just.

[B]

It's just like a kid's tall, inflatable pool. I had to get a kettle. So the water has to stay somewhere around, like, 95 degrees.

[A]

Yeah. Otherwise.

[B]

And. And labor is long.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

But you can get in and out of the water and you have this kettle and you pour.

[A]

You're naked, Right?

[B]

I'll probably have a sports bra on, but. Yeah. There's nothing downstairs.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And then.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And that is the epidural, the water. Oh, yeah.

[A]

I didn't think about that. You're not going to. Oh, you're not. Yes.

[B]

So the water helps relieve contractions. This is like a birthing podcast for the last couple of these people are.

[A]

Going to be like, I want to.

[B]

Know about your dating lives.

[A]

Yeah. No, I mean, it's pretty boring. I met my wife in college and I dry humped her at the bar with no consent to R. Kelly's bump and grind in 1997. So, you know, that's. That's how we met. But yeah, at any moment, you could give birth, and that's pretty freaking cool. And you're going to do it at your house in a. In a kid's tub. That's sick. Right? With no drugs.

[B]

No drugs.

[A]

That's crazy talk. To me.

[B]

Yeah. And.

[A]

And you know, I get that shot.

[B]

There's so many. Oh, my, My boyfriend is like, I'm going to open a bottle in 1987, the year you were born. And while you're giving, I'm like, no, you're fucking not, dude. You will not be drinking a super expensive bottle of wine while I'm giving birth.

[A]

That's the cool thing about having an at home birth. You can drink. Yeah, I didn't think about that. I had to sneak booze and edibles into the hospital.

[B]

No, he wants to let. He's like, I'm going to lay back, I'm going to let you do your thing.

[A]

Wow. Well, because it's really. Yeah. Let you do your thing. What is he going to do?

[B]

That's what he says. And I'm like, I don't know. You could hold my hand. He's like, I got two.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, look. But then again, in that moment, you could plan whatever you want, but when you're there, like, I didn't know I was gonna be holding a foot and telling her that she was like a dolphin. Like, but in that moment, that's what it required. Yeah, I guess this is like a thing where you'll make the best plans, but whatever happens in the moment, you're gonna do it.

[B]

Yeah. You go with it.

[A]

That's awesome. I mean, how old are your kids? 16 is my oldest. He just turned 16 two weeks ago.

[B]

What does he want to be?

[A]

Like, probably like some sort of marketing person or branding or like influencer. Not influencer in the sense of like Instagram. Yes. But like, that's sort of that world. But then again, nothing right now.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He's in 10th grade. He's like, you know, does it get.

[B]

Easier as they get older?

[A]

Like easier in a sense of like my. I don't have to like, time wise, like, I can text and they're on their own. They're like, they're, they're settled. They have their own things going on. Like, I could have my own time, but it never gets easier. As far as worrying, like, I'm teaching him how to drive right now.

[B]

Is that scary?

[A]

It's the scariest. You know how to drive? I know how to drive. I'm a great driver. But I don't know how to teach anyone how to drive. Like, he was like, dad, can we go? He got his permit and he goes, can we go driving? I'm like, yeah, let's do it. But I was, I had a YouTube, like a video of like how do you teach your kid how to drive?

[B]

How do you teach your kid how to drive?

[A]

Cause he would be driving, I'd be like, all right, you're doing great. He's like, how fast do I go? And I was like, I would like, just feel it out. And I would say like, he's like, feel it out. And he was like, you know, you don't know. Like, dad, when do I break? I'm like, when you get scared, like when you're like, it's time, like we're getting close, you know, like you'll know. Like you don't know how to explain the little nuances of what it is.

[B]

Do you let him listen to music while he's driving right now?

[A]

No. Were doing like, only. We live in a suburb, so like, only side, side roads with like 35 miles an hour up to a four way stop sign. 35 miles hour up to a four way stop Sign.

[B]

Are you making him do the 10?

[A]

Oh, all that's got to be done. Like, that's all got to be done.

[B]

But like, there's no gangster right now.

[A]

No, we have two hands on the wheel. But like, he, he's in quit. He's got questions. But I. In the moment when he has them. Like, we pulled up to a four way stop. Three, four. We got to one where everyone pulls up at the same time and he's like, who goes first? I go, whoever's the angriest, Whoever looks the most angry, they go first. Dude. Like, you may think you have the right away, but someone will plow into you because it's just that day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, that's how it works. I go, you gotta balance the rules of the road and what is right with like, what is really happening.

[B]

I would love to see you do a sketch where you have a clipboard and you're like playing the dmv.

[A]

Oh, the guy that, the guy that.

[B]

Like gives the test. Yeah, I mean, but give it wrong.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Whoever gets the angriest, like, stuff like that would be an amazing.

[A]

That's what it is. Yeah. Like, why do we use our blinker? He's like, he's like, like, how far? How far away? I go? Will you use it so that when you like. He goes, can I. Cause he was like, close. He goes, can I use my blinker and get over. I go, we'll use it. And then when you cut someone off, that's how like you can act like it was a mistake. Like you could be like, it was an accident that I cut you off, but you just use your blinker and then you cut people off. That's how you do it. Yeah. I don't know how to explain to him, like, what is right.

[B]

Is he doing good, a good job?

[A]

Fine. But it's been two weeks, and we haven't gone out into anything with, like. Like, switching lanes or anything like that. Yeah, we got to build up to that. But the confidence and he's just. It's. It's incredible. Like you were saying. What's the most? Like, 16? He's. He's so. He's becoming his own. Like, when you watch someone literally become their own person, it's pretty wild. He wants a girlfriend now.

[B]

Has he ever had a girlfriend?

[A]

No, he's never. One time we moved from LA right after the pandemic back to New York, and he started school, and I think he just kind of, like, a girl was interested in him. He was new. It was like a new kid. And so they. They dated, but it was like the seventh grade and nothing, you know, it was like, kind of. But I think this is the first time he's like, oh, I really want, like, a girlfriend.

[B]

I feel like I'm going to judge my son based on the quality of, like, girly pulls.

[A]

That's. I mean, it's not. I don't judge my son based on it, but I was like, the first couple, I was like, oh, this is an impressive pool. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's. She's cute and she's funny, and, like, she gets good grades. Like, he hasn't brought any, like, dumb dumbs home yet.

[B]

Yeah. Or like, an ugly girl. And you're like, what are you doing?

[A]

But it's only the beginning. And I know it's going to get weirder because I'm already like, okay. So, like, all right, our algorithms in our house are starting to run together. Like, almost like. Like women's menstrual cycles when they live together.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like, I love Sydney Sweeney. Right? And so, you know, I love her, and so I like pictures. But then all of a sudden, it's like, starts getting. I'll see. He's already liked it. And I'm like, oh, like, we can't start bumping heads in these. In the, like, you know, like, the last thing I want to do is stunt his growth because he's like, oh, my dad likes Sydney Sweeney. This is, you know, like. Yeah, yeah. It's weird. That's the one thing I'm like, oh, boy. Yeah, you're becoming a man is like, I'm also going to see you in certain areas now. Different. It's weird. Very weird. Yeah.

[B]

So then we've got an eight.

[A]

Wait, no. Then my other ones, because, like, the older ones, like, he's just getting into, like. Like noticing girls that. The other one. The younger ones in the seventh grade, he'll be 13 in May, and he's like the opposite. He's like, already. Like, I. He's like, chicks, dude. I love chicks. He loves the Bachelor. Like, I. He sees commercials for the Bachelor and.

[B]

He'S like, is he charming?

[A]

Yeah. Like, he's very quiet, but he. He, like, he's got, like, that Zack Morris kind of like, he's like a good sniper. He's a good athlete. He's very smart. So he's like.

[B]

He's the chick magnet.

[A]

Yes. And so he plays coy, but he's. He's very well aware of, like, the other sex and what they're capable of and, like, how awesome stuff is, like, the bat, like, the Bachelor. Like, he will watch that because he's like, 30 chicks for one. Like, this is it. That's all I've ever wanted.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, forget this middle school bullshit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Milling around together. Give me an island and 30 choices, and I'm down with that.

[B]

So he's gonna grow up and he's gonna be Mormon.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, he might not be down to one chick. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know if he's looking. But then again, like, you know, he. He's very much a mama's boy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So even more than my older son, my oldest son's, like, independent. But my. My younger son's like, he. So he will. He will be like, what you want your son to be. To look. He will look for my wife's approval probably more than anyone for, like, okay, this is a girl I can date.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My oldest son will just bring home a girl, a guy, whatever. It doesn't matter. Like, this is so and so, my friend. He won't care what we think. But my younger one won't make a move without my wife's like, really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

[B]

That's so funny.

[A]

Yeah, it's weird. I Don't know why it's that way, but that's the way it worked out. My oldest son is very much like my wife. He's calm, even keeled, independent. And my younger son is very much like me. Like, like up and down, moody, sort of. A lot. Yeah, a lot to handle and not easy.

[B]

And how did you meet your wife?

[A]

We met in college. So yeah, we were in the theater. Like we were both freshmen and so we met like at a, like an audition for like one of the freshman shows.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

And the first one they were, they were doing was Steel Magnolia, so I couldn't audition for that, but she got a role in that. I was like, oh, freshman got a role. And then the second one was like this Greek tragedy called the Bacchae that was like mostly like dudes. And so I got the lead role and people were like, whoa, a freshman got the lead role. So like we kind of knew about each other, but we weren't like in the same shows and stuff. And then we both dated other people, like first two years of college and then third year we were like, I'm like, oh, I really, I dig this chick. And so I made my move.

[B]

What was your move?

[A]

I dry humped her at the college bar to R. Kelly's Bump and Grind in 1997.

[B]

So that was real?

[A]

Yeah, like that was legitimately like, you know, like you're out at a bar and I was like, we're dancing. And I started dancing with her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I danced with her the way, like a perv. I was like, I'm gonna dance with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm gonna make like a movie. And she was fine with it and you know.

[B]

And the rest is history.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of history, but yeah, that's how we sort of. And then, you know, from there on we started dating.

[B]

Where was this?

[A]

Upstate New York, A college town. Oneonta. It's a small liberal arts College, like 20 minutes away from Cooperstown, which is the Baseball hall of Fame. I don't know if you're familiar, but like, yeah, small, like a little mountain school up there. Like hippies and stuff. Local town people. Yeah, but yeah, cool little town, cool college. I mean, I didn't learn tons about acting there, but it was like a good college experience. I had a lot of fun and we met there and then, you know, it was like moved to New York, back down to the city for a couple years and then to la.

[B]

So were you already doing comedy at that time?

[A]

Not really. Not in College? No, I mean, I would like doing comedies, like, but not stand up. Yeah, I didn't start that till I got out. I graduated.

[B]

Okay. And what does she do now?

[A]

So now, because now the kids are back at school and so she's like, I, you know what? She's like, I gotta do something. So she goes to not the school that they go to, but another close school. And she's a TA for like four hours a day.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She works at the school. Yeah, just a couple days a week, which is awesome. Keeps everyone like out of each other's hair because I'm running around. I don't like, you know, I do, I like doing like the pickup, the drop off in the morning and all that stuff. Yeah, I like that. Like I wake up with the kids in the morning because there's a bus. But our school is so close and I like driving them. You get a little talk time in. Yeah, they give you a little like what they're nervous about. You get a good, good insight into the day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Hey, buddy. You're quiet. What's going on? I have the math test third period. All right. Well, you know, you know, you just, it's a good, I call them bullpen sessions. Like going into school, you kind of get nerves out. You get talking a little bit comfortable, you get your day started.

[B]

You would have made a great coach.

[A]

I, I mean, you have coach vibes. I appreciate that. I, I'm hoping you're thinking of like Friday Night Lights.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, this is like I'm legit.

[A]

Like, that's my wife's like number one talking to you.

[B]

And like, you seem like someone that like, yeah, talk to me, make you feel better, you jump out, go do your thing. Like, you seem like you're really easygoing.

[A]

I try to do. I don't know how. Like, I don't know, I don't talk to like the kids. Like, hey, guys, don't, don't. Let's not be sus. Alright? We're not bossing. Like, I don't talk the language. I don't, I don't know how to do that. But like, I just, I go, look, you want my advice? I think it's stupid what you're doing right now. I think that's not a great move. Here's why. This is what the other alternative and you know, figure it out. But, you know, it's up to you. I give it to them the way I would re. Like, I don't try to sugarcoat a form.

[B]

No, you're like, you're shooting straight.

[A]

I try to, but, you know, everyone does it differently. And you gotta be, you know, you'll figure out, like, with, who's the good cop, who's the bad cop? I'm normally the bad cop, but my wife has to be the bad cop because I'm not around. I'm on the road. So it's like, she's got to do a lot of that stuff too. So it's. It's a real, you know, the bat, the family stuff, especially with stand up is a real balancing act. Yeah, especially when I go on the road, I come back, all I'm doing is messing stuff up.

[B]

Set everything, order.

[A]

It takes a while to learn about the reentry process of.

[B]

They could have all new girlfriends by the time you come back.

[A]

Probably. I mean, look, my son will get a girlfriend. Like, it's not a he, but he's, like, worried that there's like a clock. Like, he's like, what? They're all being taken. He goes, every day there's new relationships. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, you're not gonna run out, dude. It's not gonna be like, well, what happened? What were you doing? You were supposed to grab one. I'm like, this isn't like caveman days where you just club one over the head. And so, you know, that's a good thing that you're taking. Like, it'll take some time. He's got a best friend that's a girl. And she is, like, she's, you know, like we were talking before, like, a winner. Like, very smart, all athletic, beautiful girl, great parents, kind and everything, but that's her. And, like, logically, you're like, these two look like, you know, Barbie and Ken when they get out. Like, when they. And they're best friends and they go out together, they go shopping together, go to the mall, but there's nothing, like, they don't do that. And our parents have talked about, like, I mean, our parents, they're her parents and. And my wife and I. But, like, I kind of like it like this because, you know, it's. It's a friendship. It'll last a long time.

[B]

Yeah. You know, you don't think he's gonna try to, like, make a move at.

[A]

She's got a boyfriend that's in the 11th grade and stuff. She's like. She's that quite like the. She's pulling from the old. The older boys are like, they want. Yeah. So he's like, what am I going to Do. I'll just be your best friend. And that's like. But I'm telling you, like, a girl, if he gets a girlfriend, will have.

[B]

A problem with their friendship.

[A]

Their friendship.

[B]

Well, of course I'm surprised that these older guys aren't.

[A]

That's what I said, too. Like, it was his birthday two weeks ago, and during the party, like, she came over with her boyfriend to drop off his present, and I'm like, bah. You know? Like, it would not be me. I'd be like, where are we going? To your friend's house. No, no, we're good.

[B]

Your best guy friend.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. But again, I'm like, a jealous monster.

[B]

Yeah, I am, too.

[A]

I'm not, well, like, balanced mentally. So this is a sign of growth, I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I should be proud of everyone involved. But I look at it like they're lunatics. Like, they're psychopaths. But this is it. This is like. I guess. I don't know. I don't watch Euphoria, but I guess the new generation is, like, they're just a little more, like, liberal and fluid with the way that they go about relationships.

[B]

Man, that's so crazy to me. The last time I had a male best friend was in high school as well. But I could tell that he, like, secretly loved me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But of course he did. But I wasn't. I wasn't at all into him.

[A]

I don't know of a secret, like. Of, like, a best friend that's like, if you, like, if you're best friends with someone like, like, you, like, like, and you make a move. I'm not going to be like, hey, we're going to ruin this. Like, I'm going to be like, okay, let's do it. And then I'll figure out. We'll figure out the ramifications later. That's the way it goes down.

[B]

Do you think that your son is secretly in love with her?

[A]

Probably not even secretly. I think he's that, like, he reminds me a lot of, like. Like Kelso from. From that seventies show.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Ashton Kutcher's like. Like, where he's like. I didn't even. Like, he's aloof. Where he's like, I just realized girls are awesome and hot, and I want to be like. Like, I don't think he registered it. Like, he didn't look at her legitimately like that before, but, like, now that that's starting to happen, I think it's gonna shift because he's gonna go, oh, wow. Everything. I'm kind of is that he hasn't.

[B]

Asked your advice on it at all yet.

[A]

One time he was like. We were talking about, like, oh, I want a girlfriend. And I'm like, okay, well, what do you. He's like, I don't know what to do. And I think that was his way of being like, well, what do I do? You know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And again, I don't know what to tell him because, a. There's a tough. You want. Like, especially. My wife's very into, like, we're gonna raise respectable young men that are obviously great to women, and you want to make sure that, you know, you. They understand the value of a woman and what that relationship is. So I don't know what to tell him. That doesn't sound like. Well, you have to make sure that everything is, like, everything's consensual. That sounds weird and all that stuff. So I go, you just have to find a girl that you like, and then hopefully, you know, she will have a connection with you. And then you take it from there. But I'm like, I don't know what to tell him. Like, what. How to, like, what specifically to do, like, lean on the wall like the Fonz, and, like, put your arm up and be like, hey, what's up? You know, like, these guys, they like Riz and all that stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't. Like I said I dry humped my wife to R. Kelly's bump and grind in 1990. Like, that's what.

[B]

That's a solid move.

[A]

And that was what. What it took and it worked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know what the equivalent of that is now.

[B]

Well, it's hard at 16. Cause you can't be like, just get a drink in her. No, I know, but I'm just saying, I know when you start dating, you're like, oh, go out and have a drink and see how you feel when you loosen up a little bit.

[A]

That's what I'm saying now. It's like, with the whole thing, it's like, I would tell him, if a girl's been drinking, don't even go.

[B]

Red flag.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, because it's never gonna end well. I'm like, it's not gonna be fun in the way you want it to be fun, because people are going to feel really weird and guilty and it could get strange.

[B]

So, yeah.

[A]

Again, you don't.

[B]

Like, how do you tell them?

[A]

Yep. I don't know exactly what to say.

[B]

Spin the bottle.

[A]

It doesn't sound. I guess that's how you start I mean, that's how I started Spin the Bottle. I played Spin the Bottle in the seventh grade.

[B]

Yeah. We forget about these stupid girls.

[A]

And I'm sure they do stuff like that.

[B]

They must.

[A]

They have to. But I don't. I don't know what it is.

[B]

That's how your. Your 13 year old knows that girls are awesome.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Like, he knows how to. Like, when my older son has a party, like, he'll have a party like, once or twice a year, and parties are, like, he'll invite 10 guys and five girls over.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right. But then, like, 12 or 14 guys and, like eight girls show up, so it's a little bit more of a thing and it gets a little louder. And they're in the basement, you know, and you tell. No drinking and stuff. But once in a while, we'll send what we call the boss down. My younger son. Cause he'd go down and monitor. He'll heal like a rat. He'll figure out what's happening, what's going down. There's a twisted tea over there. That's not iced tea. That's a twisted tea. I saw that. But he loves the girl so much, and they love him. They'll be like, oh, Jonah's down here. And then he'll be hanging out, and next thing you know, like, we send the boss down. And I'm like, where is he? And I check, and he's making TikTok think he's on TikTok. Like, a TikTok video will pop up where he's doing a dance with three of the girls downstairs. Yeah. So we've, like, they've completely corrupted our narc. And so. Yeah, so that. That's what. We've lost him.

[B]

They've lured him in.

[A]

But that's what I'm saying. Like, he doesn't need to. Like, he's never going to ask me, dad, how do I find a girl? Like, how do I use my Riz or whatever? Like, he's like, I have a. I have a laser. I have like a. And I need to. I need to point it at someone. Like, we're going to have to. We're going to have to harness that kid's laser. Yeah. We're gonna have to shut it down because it's gonna be out of control. We have dinner and he tells me. He goes, hey, we were like a family dinner. And he goes, I learned something funny in school today. We go, what'd you learn? He goes, I learned what 69 is. Yeah.

[B]

Not just the temperature.

[A]

Yeah. And My older son goes, oh, that's a prime number, dude. You're doing prime numbers. I'm like. I'm like, go to your room. Prime number. I need to speak with 69. My wife was like, what's happening? And I'm like, and by the way, 69 is not a fucking prime number. So let's hit the books, dude. Okay. And then. But he, like, at school, like, he has conversations, because I think it might be he. His crew are all younger or they've older siblings, so they learn about this stuff even, you know, like, just fall away, like ancillary shrapnel of what their older kids are doing. Like, he picks up on it and he's very perceptive. So, like, he knows.

[B]

He's smart.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He's listening, but.

[A]

Yes, but that's the problem. Like, he's smart. Too good for his own good. He's too. He's like a problem. He's like Ray Donovan. Smart, aggressive, and probably an alcoholic. We're gonna have a problem skin. Yeah, it's gonna be tough. Tough sl. Like, it's gonna be a miracle if we can get him through high school without getting him pregnant.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'm actually hoping he's gay because I think we'll have a better shot of him being like, yeah, just leveling off.

[B]

Yeah, you won't get that lucky.

[A]

I don't think so. My wife wanted a gay son. She was so devastated when we found out that the second one was a. Was a boy.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

She wanted a girl.

[A]

She called me hysterically crying. I was working on the show, and, you know, like, you get the phone, like, she popped up. I go, hello? And you just hear hysterically crying and nerve wracking. I'm like, what's going on? She's like, it's a boy. No. She goes, it's a boy. I go, wait, the baby's a boy? She goes, yes. And I'm like, that's awesome. Is it? Everything all right? She says, yes. I'm like, oh, this is great. This is. And she was devastated. She only had sisters. She was like. Only wanted a girl, like, and that. I mean, if we. And if we did it, if she didn't have the kind of pregnancies that she had, we would have had, like, 10 kids probably.

[B]

Yeah, that.

[A]

But she, like, won't, like. It's horrible. I've never seen anyone suffer like that, man. If. Thank God, like, going back to your original. Like, if that was me, you would never want to be for nine Months. You would? Yeah. Like, he would kill me. You would kill him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I had aids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But like, the Tom Hanks from Philadelphia, like, we. That's how you would have to treat me every day. You'd have to, like, come over and dat my lips and stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She didn't make a sound. She would just throw up and that would, you know, just. She just, like, suffered through it for nine months. Wow.

[B]

I've been very lucky that my pregnancy has been very. Pretty much pretty easy.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

I'm just at my.

[A]

But you are going to have a water park in your living room. So that's the exciting part.

[B]

Yeah. Vampire Cove and candles.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Yeah. We'll see what happens.

[A]

It's going to be great.

[B]

I hope so.

[A]

I'm excited for you.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I think you're going to be a great mom, too. You already have some good instincts in you.

[B]

I hope so.

[A]

You want a someone that's going to protect you as a son right away.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You weren't like one of those nerdy moms, like, I hope he's, you know. No, it's great. Thought to the world and brings you, like, no, someone's got to protect me.

[B]

Yeah. No, he's going to go pee in.

[A]

The backyard at one point. You get to make him into slaves. You get to, like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do everything 100%. He's taking out the. And you just call him chores.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who's taking out the garbage in charge of this?

[B]

My mind. I'm seeing all these wonderful things that he's going to, like, learn to do and be a man and, like, help his mom.

[A]

Yeah. And you debit it under, like, oh, I'm teaching them responsibility. But really, I'm like, I'm becoming old and lazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I don't want to take the garbage out 100%. That's why I have you.

[B]

Yeah. And then I'll tip him.

[A]

What do you mean tip?

[B]

Like, Like, I'll give him, like, five bucks if he's doing a really good job at all.

[A]

Chores.

[B]

Chores.

[A]

Yeah. You got to do. You got to give. Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna allow it. I'm gonna. Yeah, I'm gonna tip him.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, we do this.

[B]

I shouldn't say tip him.

[A]

Like, he's tipping. Yeah. Like. Yeah. He's not a stripper. Good job, baby. Make it rain. Good job, baby. Come here. And you shove five bucks in his underwear.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, no, no. We have, like, you know, they have. They have all the Things. Now there's a thing, an app called Greenlight where you set up bank accounts for your kids and then you just, like, direct debit, like an allowance every week into this so you don't have to, like, forget about it.

[B]

No, I want him to, like, know money. You know what I mean? Like, I want to, like, be able to, like, pull the money and, like, have him smell it.

[A]

Nobody.

[B]

No, he needs to know money by the.

[A]

By the time he's ready, there will be no, like, there's no money.

[B]

There's not gonna be any money.

[A]

Like, his 100 year old grandmother gives, like a $50 bill and he's like, what is this? No, that's cool. Like. Cause he's like, whoa, 50 bucks. And that's exciting. So, yes, to your point, but really, like, it then becomes a thing where he'll hand it to me and, like, put this in the green light. Like, they don't know what. Like, they're never gonna.

[B]

They're already on that Apple pay.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, very much. Like, if I. I would never, ever give my. Never.

[B]

Really?

[A]

They're too stupid. You want to hear? It's a great. So my son's at a fantasy football league that I'm also in. Last year, he won it, right? So it's like two of his. Two or three of his friends from high school, and then a couple of the dads, like, our. Their parents and stuff. So he won it. So he won $200. So the one. The dad who runs the league gave it to his son, who's also in the league, to give it to Jackson at school, right? He sees Jackson, goes, Jackson, here's the $200, hands it to my son. He puts it into his pocket, walks down the hallway, right? His friend followed him, right? All of a sudden, he sees $200 on the floor, picks it up, he goes, jackson, is this yours? And Jackson goes, what? And goes in and it fell out of his pocket in five steps. He lost it. Like, the concept of holding on to something, like. And it's not a cell phone is impossible. Like, cash is done, done. And everywhere they go and everywhere they want to go doesn't even take cash. Like, it doesn't even. Wherever they want it. Like, they don't go anywhere that takes cash. I never even thought they're not going to strip clubs.

[B]

I never even thought about this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So crazy.

[A]

They don't ever go anywhere that it requires cash.

[B]

But wait, his name is Jackson.

[A]

My oldest one. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

That's what I'm naming my son.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's amazing.

[B]

But I'm naming him Jackson. Okay, well, it's Jackson J, A, X, O, N. Okay. But we're gonna call him Jax.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Because we. My boyfriend wanted to call him Jax.

[A]

Okay. Just Jax.

[B]

But his last name is Black. I'm like, we're not doing Jax Black.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

So we can do Jax in Black and then call him Jax.

[A]

Okay, but you're. I think you said your boyfriend's gonna call him Jax, right?

[B]

We're all gonna call him Jax, so.

[A]

Yeah. Everyone's gonna.

[B]

No one will call.

[A]

Yeah. But he's gonna be Jax Black.

[B]

Yeah. Yes.

[A]

That's what it. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So. But when he grows up, he'll be Jax Black.

[B]

He'll be able to say, I'm Jax Black Jackson, though, because that'll be his full formal name.

[A]

Yeah. But everyone calls me Jax, if you're cool. Yes. And that's what he will be. So that'll be it. But that's okay. On paper, it's gonna look better.

[B]

On paper, it'll be Jackson Black.

[A]

Yeah. For when he signs his name.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which, you know, many times that happens, by the way. Here's a great. We went to go get the permit two weeks ago. He had a. The number one thing he was nervous about, I swear to you, not taking the test. Right. Was signing his name. Because, you know, you have to sign it, and it goes on your license, and whenever you have to sign something, it has to kind of match.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What? And he's. He literally has signed his name in script up until that point, maybe eight times in his entire existence. Yeah. They don't ever use that. They never sign. They never write stuff, like, down.

[B]

These kids are so.

[A]

But that's my point. So, like. Yeah, so, like, Jackson Black will be required, like, twice in his life.

[B]

He's gonna look like a retard.

[A]

He. If he doesn't know how to write, he will. Yeah.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

If he doesn't know how to write, he will.

[B]

This is just my boyfriend's way of getting his way, and I'm just now figuring it out.

[A]

Can I ask you a question?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

This has happened to me. Did you. How much, say, did he have in the name, the original, like, before we got to Jackson, was he like, hey, I like Wyatt.

[B]

You're like, no, there was never another name.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

On his behalf.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. All right.

[B]

He was like, jax from day one. And I was like, what about Christian? What about Hunter? What about Tucker? What about all this stuff? He's like, no, no, no. No, no. And then this is like. I don't know what kind of manipulation matrix mind game this was, but he just started calling the baby Jacks.

[A]

Yep. No, that's smart. That's what they do in, like, hostage. Like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They start. Hey. They befriend you.

[B]

Yeah. He'd be like, hey, how are you feeling today? How's. How's Jax doing?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And I'd be like, that's. We haven't decided that that's his name. We have, but he had to. Yeah. So then for, like, nine months, he's been like, jax Jacks. Jacks. Now things have his name on it. And I'm like, how did you manifest? How did you just get what you wanted?

[A]

I don't know. I don't know how. I had no, like, Jack. My wife's like, I like that name. And I was like, I. Yeah, I like it, too. But my other son was supposed to be Wyatt to, like, I don't know, a month before and.

[B]

What is it now?

[A]

Jonah?

[B]

How did it turn?

[A]

She was like, one day, she had a dream, and she's like, he's not. It's Jonah. It's not Wyatt. It's Jonah. I didn't even. I was like, I don't really like it. And she was like, it's Jonah. And I was like, I guess I'll learn to like it. And his name's Jonah. Yeah. I mean, I don't not like it, but there was never a name. And I was like, one day, I will have a son named Jonah.

[B]

100%.

[A]

We were doing. At one point, we talked Rocco, but then Rocco Rannazizi is a lot like. It's. You know.

[B]

Hey, that's a cool name, though.

[A]

Yeah. But you better, like, you gotta live.

[B]

Up to that name.

[A]

Yeah. You have to have, like, you. Yeah. You'll be laying brick driveways or running numbers. You know, if you have the name, Rock O'Ren is easy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You'll. It's.

[B]

There's one way I would get made fun of. I wanted to do, like, Christian or Theo or something like that, and he started making fun of me. And he'd be like, oh, Christian Theodore Sebastian Roosevelt the third black.

[A]

Yeah. He threw, like, stink on.

[B]

Yeah. And so then he started, like, making them sound like they were too proper. And he's like, we're not going to have a little preppy kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know? And so I'm like, okay, so we're going to have a Son of Anarchy.

[A]

Well, that's what you want I think you were saying before.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Badass.

[B]

Yeah. And he's really strong. He kicks the shit out of me all the time.

[A]

Awesome.

[B]

So I'm like, he's going into martial arts.

[A]

He'll be. Yeah, he's gonna be.

[B]

Unfortunately, he's gonna have cauliflower ears.

[A]

What are you gonna do if he comes out, like, gay as the day is long? Like. Like the first gay baby? Like the baby that.

[B]

We'll just start giving him this baby's face.

[A]

Trying to blow other babies already face tattoos. He'll toughen him up via face tattoos. All right. Okay. Did you want a boy? Were you psyched about that?

[B]

Oh, I wanted a boy more than you could ever imagine.

[A]

Oh, okay. Why?

[B]

Because.

[A]

You don't want to, like, dress up a girl or, like, I would.

[B]

Have had a girl.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Knowing my luck, she would be just like me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I don't want to raise a hoe.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

You know.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

How do I train a girl? Don't get an Only fans.

[A]

Yeah, but, mom, you had one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta.

[B]

You know, I can already hear it.

[A]

But I do that too.

[B]

Bam.

[A]

That. Guess what, dumb bitch. Guess what? That hap. What do you think? I. I'm like, there's no drinking and no drugs. But I'm like. But like, dad, you do podcasts where you smoke joints. And I'm like. But I'm like, older.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what I like. I go that. It's like driving a car. You have to have a. You know, you have to be older and have the responsibility to be able to do it correctly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

Yeah. So I think I. I wanted the.

[A]

Boy, but maybe you would like a girl if she was like, number two babe instead of an only fans page. I like your entrepreneurship. Let's. Let's point in another direction.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, yeah, that would be great.

[B]

So you can build a different kind of website.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you. Are you. Do you want, like, other.

[B]

Like, I definitely want to see another one.

[A]

Would you want, like, who knows? You haven't decided yet? No.

[B]

I don't care what this.

[A]

You may fall in love. Yeah. You don't.

[B]

I don't if it's a girl or a boy. I'm fine. I just wanted an older brother to, like, back me when I'm like, if it. If I do have a girl where, like, me and the older brother and the dad can all be like, look, bitch.

[A]

Yeah. It's tough. I mean, I do say that my next door neighbor in New York has five daughters. Yeah. And they're like a gang. He talks to himself on his driveway. He be. He's. He's done, dude. Mentally, he toasted. Yeah. He's horrible. Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But they're. They're like a crew. Like, he got, like, he gave birth to a gang of girls.

[B]

Girls.

[A]

Like, and they're not. Like, there's so many different types there. You. They're almost like. It's like a girl band.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's one that's super prissy. One that has like a quad. Like four. She has a.

[B]

Four quads?

[A]

Yeah. Like, one girl, like, gets the other hires. Are the two sisters. And they do people's driveways. Like, they have quads with a plow on it. And they'll just plow people's driveways and shovel and stuff.

[B]

No.

[A]

And you know the neighbors, like, let's hire those boys. I'm like, those are girls day. Yeah, dude. It's so. He's like, you can do whatever you want with the kids. You can make them into whatever you want.

[B]

Yeah. That's good to know that they're easily molded.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, they have their own personalities and stuff.

[B]

Yeah. The most part, you can.

[A]

You can get what you like.

[B]

God, I love that.

[A]

Like, I thought, like, I would never want, like, the thought of going to like a 12 hour cheerleading thing on a Saturday is an absolute nightmare to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm sure if I. That's what I was given, I would figure it out. Like, my wife spends 13 hours on the weekends at travel, baseball games, sitting there and it's. Yeah. Someone go, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's hard. Yeah. And I love it because I love sports and I love watching.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she loves watching. But, like, that's not what she dreamt of at all. Like, that's hell on earth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, if I asked a friend to come for 13 hours and sit with me and watch kids play baseball, no one would ever do it. No one would do that.

[B]

But see, I'd go for the snacks.

[A]

Yeah. But after like eight hours, you're like, okay, I've had all the snacks. And then you got, guess what? You gotta come back tomorrow and the day after. Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

[B]

Yeah, I see.

[A]

So, you know, there are. There. Yeah. There are things that kids get involved with, whatever, that you're not necessarily psyched about. But for me, I'm like, I got. I got wins.

[B]

Yeah. You know, well, maybe if he's in the ufc, I mean, I'll watch him beat the shit out of people.

[A]

Yeah. And you'll love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm telling you, no matter what it is, you're gonna love to watch what they.

[B]

I don't know why I'm so hell bent on him being in martial arts, but that's like, the first sport that came to my mind when I thought about what to put him in. And maybe the cute little robe with the little black belt.

[A]

Is that. You mean.

[B]

Is that what they all. Don't they all have to wear that?

[A]

Yeah. It's not called a robe. It's a gi. Oh, Yeah. I don't know if. Honey, your robe's all stained. Yeah, I don't think. Ma, it's a gi.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. You look so cute, you little robe with your belt.

[B]

Get out.

[A]

That's hilarious.

[B]

Punch him in the face.

[A]

Oh, my oldest son wrestles. I should pull up video. My wife sitting there. You want, like, it's literally. Oh, God. Easy, Jacks, easy. Oh, God. Stay on top. Stay on top. All right. Oh, God. Twist it. Twist them. Twist them. Twist. Oh, she. It's like. It's horrible. Yeah, it's. When I'm not there, I'm like, can you film his match? And I have to listen to it with a sound off. I just have to look because, like, she's so distracting with her voice. It's impossible. Yeah. It's impossible to watch your kid, like, especially with something like that.

[B]

I could talk to you about this all day.

[A]

Awesome. I appreciate it.

[B]

This has been great. And I promise you guys, this is not a birthday podcast.

[A]

I dated. I had sex before my wife.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It wasn't great. I'm not great at it. I do the best I can.

[B]

Is your dry humping better?

[A]

I'm a hell of a dry humper. You know, everything's. Yeah, I'm a hell of a dry. I'll like dry humping. I'm the best in the world. You nailed down the way they have air cottard. I can dry hump with the best of them. But put me in the real game. That's a problem.

[B]

Where can people find you?

[A]

Oh, I was like, New York. Ohvernazazy on Instagram. I just started TikTok.

[B]

Oh, are your kids on your TikTok?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. And now I'm like. I put videos out. I'm like. They're seeing all the. Like, it's weird. Yeah, they're. They have more followers than I do on Tick Tock. But I guess.

[B]

Awesome.

[A]

I just started, so it's very, you.

[B]

Know, are they teaching you?

[A]

Yes, they teach me how to, like, actually use the app because I'm not great with the interface.

[B]

So do the sketch. Do the driving sketch.

[A]

All right, I'll try. Yeah.

[B]

And that's what. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'll try it out.

[B]

Teach him how to drive the way you were saying.

[A]

Yeah, do the real way.

[B]

Do it. It'll be. It's good content.

[A]

I'll get on it. Absolutely.

[B]

And then they can come see you at Comedy Works and Glamour.

[A]

Comedy Works, one of the best comedy clubs in the country. Downtown. One show, Thursday through Friday through Saturday.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

Yeah, can't wait.

[B]

All right, you guys, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time.

[A]

First Date.

[B]

Babies, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Delete my number first. Your parents are your roommate.

[A]

First Date.