← First Date with Lauren Compton
First Date with Lauren Compton
Chris Porter Defends Drinking During Pregnancy?! | First Date with Lauren Compton
00:51:30
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A
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B
So excited to see you tonight.
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C
First Date, baby.
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A
First date.
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C
I can't wait. First date. What's up, you guys? Welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a very funny comedian. You can get tickets to see him on tour@chrisportercomedy.com give it up for Chris Porter.
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A
Hello. It's good to be here. Yay me. Yay me.
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C
Thanks for coming on.
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A
Thanks for having me.
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C
We were just talking. So you live in Kansas City now?
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A
Yeah, I moved back January last year.
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C
And what do you do in Kansas City?
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A
Take it easy. Yeah, well, I mean, I still travel 42 weekends a year, so that's a lot. So. But, you know, just. I lived in LA for 20 years and it's. It's just a constant fight, you know, traffic, reservations, like everything's just a battle. And now I live at home, you know, I live in Kansas and there's no traffic, there's always parking and everything's cheaper. Yeah, it's real nice.
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C
Do you have a girlfriend?
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A
No. No. A breakup was a kind of the catalyst for. I mean, I was already kind of thinking about moving, but then after the last breakup, I was like, I'm out of here.
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C
Okay. From la.
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A
From la. Yeah.
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C
How long were you with her?
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A
Two years.
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C
That can be a long time. Is that a long time to you?
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A
Yeah. I mean, most my relationships seem to last about two or three years.
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C
Yeah.
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A
And then I just kind of get to a point where I'm like, do I want to marry this person? And so far, it's been a no. It's been a no. I. The last one would have been a yes, but it just didn't work out.
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C
Can I ask why?
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A
From my perspective, she's very angry at a lot of things, that she has not had an easy life, and she's very angry. And I tried my best to make her happy for two years, and it became obvious that I wasn't gonna Be able to do that.
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B
Aw.
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A
Yeah.
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C
I've heard a lot that you can't make other people happy.
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A
They need. You know, I've found that happiness is a choice. It's something you have to work at. I think a lot of people think, oh, I'll just be happy at some point.
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C
Yeah.
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A
And I think it's something you have to work at and it's a choice you have to make. It's a perspective you have to have. And definitely, you know, in my early 30s, I was an angry, sad person and probably wasn't great to be around. And now, you know, there was a time in my life where I was just like, you know, you have to consciously try to be happy.
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C
Yeah. You have two. I mean, you have two choices.
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A
Yeah.
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C
It's just you can either make the best of it or not.
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A
Yeah. And so I, you know, 15 years ago, decided I'm gonna just try to be happy as much as I can and if something takes away my energy or, you know, makes me angry too much, then I'm not gonna have that in my life anymore.
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C
Yeah.
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A
Yeah.
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C
I would assume that it'd be easier to meet people in Kansas City.
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A
It is, it is.
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C
Well, it'd be easier to meet maybe the right kind of people.
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A
Maybe. I mean, I don't go out a lot just because I travel so much. When I come home, I just want to be on the couch with my dog and chill and work on the yard and stuff like that. Which is a detriment. I understand. But when I moved home, I had so many. Everyone tried to set me up. It was like. And I didn't want them to. I was just trying to get through the breakup and do all this. And I. Literally everyone I knew was like, oh, you gotta meet this person. Oh, you would love this person. I'm like, I don't want to talk to anyone right now.
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C
So you didn't meet up with anyone?
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A
I met up, I. A friend of mine, they're married, wanted me to meet their friend and they were like, why don't we all just go out and have drinks and that. And I, and I did that mainly so I didn't seem like I was being a curmudgeon.
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C
Uh huh.
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A
And I was like, well, let's just, you know, you have to start somewhere when you, after, you know, dating again, you have to just, you have to
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C
put yourself out there.
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A
You have to put yourself out there. So I went out and she was nice. I didn't want to spend any more time with her, you know, I was like, oh, you're fun. But you know, when you have a schedule like I have, you have to be pretty selective on who you spend your time with. Of course you don't have a lot of it to give.
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C
Even when you don't have a busy schedule, I think you have to be selective with who you spend your time with because time is so precious. And I mean like, even when I go out to dinner with my friends and stuff, like it matters so much.
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A
Yeah.
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C
I don't know, maybe it's cause I'm getting older and so my life is just kind of like changing in different ways. I'm having children and stuff. So if, if I step away, I'm like, this is a really important time. Who are we going out with and where are we going and what are we doing?
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A
Yes. Because you know, there are a bunch of other things I'd rather be doing than going out with you guys. But you know, I also need to, I also don't want to die alone.
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C
Yeah.
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A
So. But yeah, so I, Yeah, there are, there aren't as many 40ish women that are single as there were in Los Angeles. And you know, so that's kind of an obstacle.
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C
How do you meet people?
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A
Well, I mean, short story, I haven't. I've spent a lot of time with friends and family just. And also on the road. So, you know, I have, I have friends that are in similar situations that, you know, maybe we meet up from time to time across the country and you know, they're busy, I'm busy, and we meet up and we have a good time and we satisfy each other's needs.
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C
If it's like a booty call. Yeah.
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A
A little more adult than that. Like a, like a, like a booty weekend, I guess. Yeah, yeah. But like, you know, hey, I, I'm very busy. You're very busy. But we can meet up this weekend and we'll have a great time.
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C
What do you look for in a girl?
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A
Happiness, fun, open mindedness. And physically I'm a butt guy.
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C
Okay.
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A
That's definitely the first. You know, body's great. It's not number one. I mean, definitely personality.
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C
Blondes, Brunettes.
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A
No. Well, historically I've dated brunettes, but that's not, that was happenstance. I feel like I've gone after blondes. I just didn't get them. You know, I just, if you look. Yeah, but if you look down my roster of actual girlfriends.
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C
Yeah.
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A
They're almost exclusively brunette. And that's. Maybe I have a subconscious choice, but it's not. It's not. Because I'm like, oh, only brunettes. I actually love blondes.
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C
Yeah.
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A
But it just hasn't worked out with a blonde yet.
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C
What. What do you like to do when you go out on a date with a girl?
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A
First date. And I know a lot of girls don't like it. I prefer drinks on the first date just because I don't. But also, if, like, we go out for a drink and we hit it off, then let's go to dinner.
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C
Yeah.
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A
But let's not. Let's not tie ourselves down first off, because I don't know you for sure.
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C
It's like, what if that doesn't go well?
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A
Yeah. I don't want to get there and be like, oh, this sucks. And the appetizers haven't even shown up because I have been on that and I've had that date and it's terrible for both of you. And so I like. I prefer drinks first. But also, it's. Again, if we hit it off, then let's continue the evening. Let's go grab a steak somewhere. Let's figure something out. But I like dinners. I like. I just want to be able to converse.
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C
Yeah. Have you ever been on a date with a girl that just got completely wasted?
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A
Not that I remember.
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C
What, you lived in la?
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A
Yeah. But I mean, I'm sure, especially in my early 30s, if she got wasted, I was just as wasted as she was.
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C
Oh, really?
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A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was huge. And I'm still a big partier. I just don't do it as much as, I mean, in my. From 27 to 35.
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C
Yeah.
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A
It was not every night, but every night. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, especially living in la, you'd go to the improv. You know, this new generation of comics, they're great on stage, but offstage they're so soft. Like, they don't drink, they don't really do drugs. And it's just like, I. That was not my class.
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C
Yeah.
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A
My generation, we did shows, but then we hung out and got hammered.
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C
Yeah.
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A
And hit on women and talked and got in trouble and did drugs.
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C
And now they're just going home.
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A
Now they're just going home and watching their sets and. Which is great.
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C
Studying it, trying to make.
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A
And you're like, where's the romance? Where's the rock and roll?
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C
That's so true.
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A
And, oh, I did the Ryman for the Kid Rock Comedy Festival, and there's five comics there. I'm like, hey, we're at the Ryman Waylon and Willie used to perform here. Like everyone here. No one has ever performed here sober. None of our heroes were sober. And I start pouring tequila shots. I'm like, before this show, at this historic venue, let's all do a shot together. None of these pussies would do it with me. So with Steve Byrne, I've gotten drunk with him a thousand times. Like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm like, you what? What are we doing?
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C
What is he, Gen Z?
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A
What are we. Yeah. What happened? You moved to Nashville and fucking grew a vagina. Where are we? And it's just. I got so mad. And I remember, you know, in the green room of the Ryman, there's all these pictures of all these legends that are performed there. I go, do you think. And of course, I look over and I pointed at Theodore Roosevelt, but I stuck with. I was like, do you think Teddy Roosevelt didn't have a couple of drinks before he went out on stage? The Ryman? Of course not. He had the polio. He was doing great. And I guess that was Franklin. Yeah, that same guy, anyway. But, yeah, you know, I came up. We were partiers.
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C
Yeah.
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A
The improv was open till two in the morning, and we were there every. Every night till they kicked us out.
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C
So what happened? When did it change?
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A
The pandemic, I think, had a lot to do with it.
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C
Oh, man.
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A
I think we all did. I mean, because it's so true.
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C
I was in LA during the pandemic, and everything did change.
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A
Everything. And it was like. And then when everything opened up, everyone would like, especially the comedies in 2019, if you went to the Comedy Store, the. The patio was packed.
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C
Yeah. Just.
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A
It was like the biggest party in town. And then as soon as it reopened up, we all sat at the patio and no one showed up. Everyone did their sets and got their car and went home.
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C
Weird.
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A
And I was like, what are. Where's. I thought we were rock stars.
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C
Yeah.
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A
And now we're all. Now we all just work at a job.
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C
Oh, man.
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A
It's just a job. But we have different hours.
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C
I feel like during the pandemic, you either spent your time drinking, getting fucked up.
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A
Yeah.
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C
Or you got. You were like, I'm gonna take this time to drink lots of water and eat protein and work out.
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A
I did both.
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C
How did you do both?
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A
Well, there's daytime.
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C
Oh, when I worked, I mean, Yeah, I forgot about that.
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A
But no, I would work. As a matter of fact, a photo came up on my memories. I was out in the lobby and on My Facebook memories, and it's me from the pandemic, and I'm shredded. And it's. Cause all I did was drink water and tequila.
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C
Yeah.
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A
And then just.
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C
Which, by the way, is the best alcohol? Yeah, it's the healthiest, actually.
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A
Yeah.
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C
And also the best. It's my favorite. It's my favorite. I love tequila.
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A
I've gotten to a point where it's just on ice, no mixer.
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C
That's wild.
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A
Sometimes. I mean, we're in summer, so margaritas. Yeah, absolutely. But during the winter, no, it's. It's just straight on ice.
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C
Wow.
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A
Yeah.
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C
Oh, I can't wait to drink another margarita. You know, my first pregnancy, I didn't want alcohol. I was like, I think I'm done. It was like, my pandemic. I was like, I think I'm done with alcohol. I'm gonna get, like, really sober, and I'm not. After I have a child, I don't want to drink anything. Like, I don't need it. And now let me tell you that no one needs a drink of alcohol more than a pregnant mom with a toddler.
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A
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
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C
What I would do to just kick back with, like, a shot. I went out with my girlfriends last night, and there was another table of guys that bought everyone shots except for me.
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A
Yeah.
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C
And so they were like, hey, can we buy you guys shots? And they're like, yeah. And so they order a round of shots for us, but, like, they didn't order one for me. And I was so. I was like, you can pretend. We can pretend that, like, some water. Yeah, like, just bring me something. As everyone's cheersing with, like, some group of unknowns. And I was just like, fuck you guys.
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A
Yeah.
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B
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A
you're not supposed to drink during a pregnancy, but also a lot of people have and everyone turned out fine. Like my mom.
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C
You think my mom terrible influence.
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A
Do you think my mom in middle of 1978 before she knew she was pregnant with me wasn't getting hammered? Yeah, all of our moms did. They were like, oh I don't have
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C
my mom had margaritas when she was pregnant with me. The doctor told her she could have a drink a day. I was like, I'm pretty sure that he was talking about like a 8 ounce pour of wine.
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A
Yeah, yeah.
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C
She's like, I was drinking margaritas until he asked me what I was having to drink and I told him and I'm like, dude, that's what's wrong with me. You me up. I asked myself that all.
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A
Yeah, it's all in your DNA. I must have drinks now.
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C
My favorite drinks are margaritas.
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A
Oh, man, I'm glad my mom. See, my mom was drinking like, Strozz, so that would have been terrible.
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C
What is that? I don't even.
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A
Stro's was like an old beer. It was like a beer in the 70s.
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C
Yeah.
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A
And it was. I'll never forget it. It was called Stroh S T R O H. Wow. Yeah. My parents would crush him.
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C
Damn.
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A
Yeah, there's. There's a photo of me. It's my contact photo on iPhone. It's me as a one year old child with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. It's.
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C
So you were born to be a rock star.
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A
I was. Oh, am I? My parents even tell me they're like the hospital. When I was giving birth to you, the waiting room was a party because they were 24. And all my dad's friends showed up. They showed up to the weight room with a cooler of beer. Yeah. And I. And my mom's side is all heavily Catholic, so they're all getting hammered. And so, like, my birth was a party, and so, like, my whole life's been a party. Like, even I remember growing up in our Christmases and Thanksgivings, there wasn't a relative in our. Especially on my mom's side that didn't have a bar in their house.
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C
Yeah. And if they didn't, what happened to bars and houses?
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A
I think they have to come back, especially since no one's going out.
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C
Yeah, Right.
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A
That's the first thing I'm doing. I'm already looking. I'm not even kidding you. My Facebook Marketplace is just filled with vintage pop machines right now.
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C
Dude, I love Facebook Marketplace.
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A
Oh, it's the best. Oh, do you want to buy a Telecaster, or do you want to buy grandpa's old pacemaker? You can do it all.
- [19:57]
C
I've had so much fun on Facebook Marketplace, finding random vintage things for, like, 20 bucks.
- [20:02]
A
Oh, yeah. Or you see it and they're like. You're like, I'm not going to pay that. And you just wait for three weeks and watch it slowly go down. Yeah, I did that with a guitar. I just sat there and waited. And I was like, I've seen this thing here for three weeks. How about you take this money? And he was like, all right.
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C
Yeah.
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A
Yeah.
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C
Well, maybe it's your job to bring rock and roll back to comedy.
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A
I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. I mean, I play guitar and I smoke a bunch of weed, so I'm doing everything I can.
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C
Indica or Sativa.
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A
I'm an Indica guy. Oh, I do hybrids in the day. Oh, no, I gotta have some weight. If I smoke Sativas, I get high, like, the first time.
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C
Dude, I want a color. If I. If I smoke Sativa, I want a color.
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A
Oh, yeah. If I smoke sa. I want to go to the mall, and then I end up at the Lego store spending about $400. Dude.
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C
Yes.
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A
That's what I'm talking about.
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C
That's exactly why Sativa. You sit down, you get all deep in your thoughts, and I've written. I've tried to write comedy stoned. And I'm like, this is really gonna, like, enhance my perspective on a subject. And I'll sit there like this and just not do absolutely anything. And then I look at the clock and I'm like, okay, it's been four minutes. It just feels like I've sat there for a fucking hour. And then by the time I write everything out, I'll wake up from my stupor and I'll read it, and I'm like, this is the dumbest shit I've ever written in my whole life.
- [21:32]
A
Well, Carlin said you write and then you smoke and then you touch up while you're high.
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C
Oh, well, no one told me that. No one told me that at all.
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A
Yeah, no, that's the better way to do it is to have a foundation. And then your. Your highness is like, oh, we should add a closet.
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C
Oh, yeah, well, see, years of my life have been wasted trying to do that, so I just assumed I was like, weed isn't for me. I'm like, dumb.
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A
Oh, yeah, no, that's. A lot of people are like, oh, I smoked weed one time. My mom's the best. She goes, oh, I smoked weed when I was a kid, and I didn't like it. I'm like, well, that's like saying I used the Internet in 1974, and it was really slow. It's like, there's been a lot of advances, and things are a lot better than they used to be. So why don't we try it again? Yeah, because my mom has trouble sleeping. I'm like, take an edible. She's like, I don't want to do drugs.
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C
Edibles can be fun, though.
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A
Edibles are super fun. I need to wean off of them, because I do. I. I eat a 30 milligram every night, and yeah. And you're like, that's not.
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C
That's a lot. That's a party.
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A
That's a party. And, you know, but so, you know, I look at Joey Diaz, who eats, like, these 200 milligram edibles and then does a podcast. I'm like, where are we?
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C
Any time that people smoke weed and function in real life in front of a camera is, like, really bizarre.
- [23:02]
A
It's a risk. Like, trust me, there was a long time where I showed up to everything stoned. And it was. Sometimes it was great, but a lot of times it was. You go, you asking me a question? Me going, yeah. And that was it. Which does not make for fun podcasts.
- [23:20]
C
There was a cool comedy show that I went to in LA one time. I think it was. It was at some cafe, and the comics would all perform their set sober, and then they would smoke weed.
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A
Oh, yeah.
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C
You have to perform the same set again.
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A
I saw one of my exes from, like, 10 years ago. I saw her do that, and it's the funniest she's ever been.
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C
It was really funny to watch.
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A
It's funny when people that don't smoke weed do it. Cause they have. They're on stage. Like, I have no idea what's happening.
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C
Yeah.
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A
Yeah. They're like, why is everyone here? If I did it, I just. I'd probably just be better. Cause I would be more in tune. Because most of the time, again, back in the day, it was like, I'd be outside and they'd be like, they're calling your name. All right, hold this.
- [24:09]
C
Yeah.
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A
And there was just too many times I'd, like, walk on stage and you just hear somebody go, oh, he's fucked up.
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C
So when you smoke weed, how do you smoke it out of, like, a bong? Do you roll a blunt at home?
- [24:21]
A
It's a bong, wolf. Unless. You know what's great about where I live now. I have a big deck and a backyard. So I always have, like, some pre roll blunts that I buy. So when me and the dog are out back, I can just pretend like I'm Ben Franklin and smoke weed while I stare at my land.
- [24:44]
C
Dude, I don't understand bongs. Every time, the very. I think. I think I've probably hit a bong maybe five times in my life.
- [24:52]
A
Yeah.
- [24:53]
C
And every single time, it just flattens me out. Like, it kills me. It just absolutely kills me.
- [25:03]
A
Yeah. And that's why I do it. I just want it to be the most effective. I'm not here for a good Time. I'm here for a long time. Or both, whatever it is. Yeah. No, on the road, I buy these like little one hitters, and I use those. And then when I go, when I leave, like this week, when I get ready to leave Austin, I'll just throw it away.
- [25:30]
C
Do you like mushrooms?
- [25:31]
A
I do. I don't have time for them anymore.
- [25:33]
C
What do you mean?
- [25:35]
A
I just. I don't have six hours to go on a journey. To go on a journey. And microdosing's stupid. And what. What did. Chris Robinson.
- [25:45]
C
But have you ever microdosed and put it in your coffee?
- [25:48]
A
I microdosed and went to a party and it was fine.
- [25:52]
C
I said, coffee.
- [25:54]
A
Oh, no.
- [25:56]
C
So let me tell you how to microdose.
- [25:58]
A
Okay.
- [25:58]
C
I don't do it anymore. But when I was young and single and fun, I did. I would get it like ground up like powder, and I would put like a teaspoon or something in my coffee and I would mix it and I would drink it. And it's like Adderall.
- [26:18]
A
Really?
- [26:19]
C
Yeah. And that's how you might. And then you drink it. Maybe it was the caffeine and the mushroom mixed together, I don't know. But it was one. I would be. I would function on such a high level. I would get so much shit done. I was so creative. I would. And I was. And I was so, like, sober.
- [26:35]
A
Yeah.
- [26:35]
C
And so I was just hyper focused on things. And it was amazing. I loved it.
- [26:40]
A
Okay.
- [26:40]
C
And then I ran out and I just never bought anymore.
- [26:45]
A
Yeah, I. I used to do fistfuls of mushrooms. And, you know, when I was on the Last Comic Standing tour, we were literally. We'd leave Tuesday and come back Sunday. So I would have, like one day at my place in la and I had roommates and I would just go in my room, eat a fistful of mushrooms and wouldn't leave for six hours.
- [27:06]
C
That's so crazy.
- [27:07]
A
And it was just. I love tripping by myself.
- [27:09]
C
I was going to say, do you do this with people ever?
- [27:12]
A
I do. I've tripped a lot at concerts with people. That's. And that's its own thing that. And I'm not saying that's not a great time, but tripping by yourself is a very holistic experience. You answer a lot of questions, you ask a lot. You basically talk to yourself for six hours and you get through a lot of shit. And it's cheaper than therapy. It's very. It's cheaper than therapy. And. And I. And I love it. I haven't. But again, I Haven't done it in forever. I remember when I moved, I was cleaning out my safe and I found a bag of mushrooms that someone had just given me at the Comedy Store and I just forgot about them.
- [27:55]
C
Had some age on them. Yeah, like these are aged.
- [27:59]
A
Yeah, you don't want those vintage mushrooms. You want those fresh ones.
- [28:04]
C
So let's say that you meet a girl and she likes to party like this. Is that a pro or a con?
- [28:11]
A
It's a pro. I mean, as long as. Look, Matt, I do party, but it's not like it's Fridays now. It's like, it's not like it used to be where it's like, hey, is it Wednesday? Let's find a. But also, like getting back to what we were talking about earlier, that scene's not out there anymore. I remember when we were in our 20s, there was a Wednesday bar, there was a Thursday bar, there was a bar for every day of the week that was packed that day.
- [28:34]
C
Yeah.
- [28:35]
A
And I don't feel like that happens anymore.
- [28:37]
C
I don't think so.
- [28:38]
A
And so I don't think there's that. There's not that culture. And so I don't have to really worry about that now. Being back in Kansas, drinking is much more part of the normal day. Like when I go to lunch with my parents on at like 2 in the afternoon, they're cracking beers. I'm having a margarita and it's just the norm. Like when in L. A, they're like, I'm not drinking. Oh, I can't have a. I can't have tequila too.
- [29:05]
C
I love that you still go out with your parents and drink.
- [29:08]
A
Yeah, well, they're, you know, I'm very fortunate in that my parents are very cool.
- [29:13]
C
Bonjour, compadre.
- [29:14]
A
It's the Priceline negotiator.
- [29:17]
C
How do I negotiate so many great travel deals? My greatest gadget, the Priceline app.
- [29:22]
A
It's got hotel deals, flight deals, rental
- [29:24]
C
car deals, all of those deals in a bundle deal, game day deals, concert trip deals. No one deals more deals than Priceline. Hold your horses, there's more. The app lets you filter hotels by neighborhood vibe, star level, and amenities like pools and spas and beachfronts and.
- [29:40]
A
Wait, I'm not done.
- [29:41]
C
Stop cutting me up. Priceline. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome.
- [29:47]
A
You think you know a browser, but
- [29:48]
C
Gemini and Chrome, that's new.
- [29:50]
A
It can help you with practically anything
- [29:51]
C
on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50 page restoration block.
- [29:56]
A
Or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks.
- [29:59]
C
Gemini and Chrome is here for it,
- [30:00]
A
ready to make anything online make sense.
- [30:03]
C
There's no place like Chrome.
- [30:04]
A
Check responses set up required compatibility and availability various 18 plus. They're very down to earth people. They. And they're also very. They're not parents anymore. Like, my mom doesn't bug me about girlfriends or babies or families. She doesn't give a shit about any of that. She just wants me to be happy. She loves my dog. So, yeah, you know, it'll be two o' clock in the afternoon. I'll just get back from the gym and I'll be like, hey, I'm go out to eat. You want to meet me at this patio and I'll eat and I'll buy you a couple of drinks and like, we'll see you in 10, man. The other day we went out to dinner. I went to pick up my dad and my mom and dad's already hammered. You show up at 5 o', clock, he's already slurring his words.
- [30:51]
C
Yeah, he's having a great time.
- [30:52]
A
Oh, you're like, okay, well, you're having fun with retirement.
- [30:55]
C
We love dad.
- [30:56]
A
Oh, yeah, Dad's. Although, yeah, it's like, how about, how about you just be a little tipsy
- [31:02]
C
when I show up instead of wasted,
- [31:04]
A
instead of, I can't wait to go to the thing.
- [31:08]
C
Yeah. You're like, I'm sorry.
- [31:09]
A
Yeah, don't say anything racist at the Japanese restaurant.
- [31:15]
C
Such an old person thing to do.
- [31:18]
A
Oh, yeah. It's like they. Yeah. And they don't know. They think they're just like, what? Why can't I call them oriental? They're from the Orient. You're just like, okay, I don't.
- [31:29]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [31:31]
A
Different age, different age, different time. And I feel like we're like that with some of the newer things, like, you know, like the pronouns thing. I feel like some. I'm. I'm at an age where I'm like, I'm doing my best. Like, if I fuck it up, I'm sorry. But it's not out of malice. It's just that I don't know what you are. And I'm.
- [31:54]
C
Have you, have you ever had any other jobs outside of comedy?
- [31:58]
A
Well, I know. Well, yes. I started this when I was 19.
- [32:04]
C
A comedy.
- [32:04]
A
Yeah.
- [32:05]
C
Okay.
- [32:05]
A
And so. And I was on. I was touring full time by 24.
- [32:10]
C
Okay.
- [32:11]
A
So my last job, I was a mall security guard.
- [32:15]
B
Oh, really?
- [32:15]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was. I started doing it at like 19. All my friends growing up wanted to be cops. And I was like this outlier that smoked weed.
- [32:24]
C
But did you ever catch anybody stealing?
- [32:29]
A
I mean, that really wasn't our job.
- [32:31]
C
Oh, really?
- [32:32]
A
Yeah, we weren't.
- [32:33]
C
What do mall cops do?
- [32:34]
A
Mall cops are more about safety. They're like, it's basically, we're just trying to stop them all from getting sued. But we were not. We were very much told. This is weird that we're getting into this. We were very much told, like, you don't deal with, like, other stores. Like, if stores got a theft problem, that's their problem.
- [32:55]
C
Well, I got. I got caught stealing by a mall cop.
- [32:58]
A
Yeah, well, your mall must have had different rules,
- [33:02]
C
because I stole once in my. No, I sold twice. I stole once and got caught.
- [33:07]
A
Yeah.
- [33:08]
C
And I was in. And it wasn't even my fault. I wasn't even stealing from me. So I was with two other girls that were very bad influences, obviously. And we were skipping school, and we went to the mall. Cause I was the only one with a car. And we got there and we went to Dillard's, and we were, like, looking around and. And this. One of the girls that I was with was like, hey, we put these fossil sunglasses in your purse. And I was like, okay, yeah, yeah. You know, I don't look up or, like, look for cameras or anything like that. You know, I'm just like, yeah, sure.
- [33:48]
A
Holding the bag.
- [33:52]
C
So she puts the sunglasses in my bag. And then she's like, okay, I think we're all good. Let's go. And so whatever they had stolen, they stole. And then we left. And I have these sunglasses in my purse. And obviously, I know she didn't pay for them, but I was like, whatever, I don't care. It's Dillard's.
- [34:06]
A
Yeah.
- [34:07]
C
And then the next thing I know, the minute we, like, leave that open area where you, like, leave Dillard's and you, like, go back into the mall, there was a security guard that was like, excuse me, can we see your purses, please? And I was like, nope, no. And he's like, no, I'm gonna need to see your purse. So we have you on camera stealing. And then I got. We all got escorted into, like, mall jail.
- [34:38]
A
No, the only, like, we would always get people that were, like, acting stupid in the middle of the mall. And the only time I was ever. We ever. I was ever involved in actually cuffing someone was they had literally, the night before, had had a giant meeting at the mall with all the stores talking about credit card fraud and how to spot it and all that stuff. And this poor idiot showed up the day after that meeting to do some shitty credit card fraud.
- [35:06]
C
Bad timing.
- [35:07]
A
And the guests. And I'll never forget, it was a guest door. And I was. I was in the office eating my omelette, as I did every morning. And they called, and they were like, hey, the guest store needs you to show up. And I'm like, I don't want to deal with this.
- [35:23]
C
I'm eating an omelette.
- [35:24]
A
I'm having my fucking breakfast. I don't have time for this. So I walk out there, and so we wait for the dude to walk out, and we're like, hey, man, we need to talk to you for a second. And he takes off running. And I'm like, God damn it.
- [35:39]
C
You're like, my. Almost gonna get cold.
- [35:41]
B
I know.
- [35:41]
A
I'm running through the. I'm running through the mall at full speed just like, I just want my ham and cheese. And we ended up tackling him. And I just remember in the middle of it going, this is stupid. This is. Why am I doing this? I don't care. And all the. All the other security guards were.
- [35:59]
C
All.
- [35:59]
A
This was their Super Bowl. They're like, we're doing it.
- [36:02]
C
Yeah.
- [36:03]
A
Everything we've trained for, I'm just like. And I let them do it. I just like, I'm done. And. But the only reason I stayed there was because the guy that ran it loved me. And I could. I could call the day before and be like, hey, I got a gig. I can't make it. And he would cancel all my shifts. Or I could call him and be like, hey, I need a full week this week. And he'd just give me 40 hours. So it was just. It was too easy to not do.
- [36:30]
C
Yeah.
- [36:31]
A
And then eventually my schedule took over. It was just weird. Sometimes I do shows in Kansas City and then have to work the next day, and people would stop me and go, didn't. Didn't I see you at Sanford's last night?
- [36:45]
C
That's so funny.
- [36:45]
A
And I'd be like, yeah. And my favorite part was they go, what happened? What do you mean? The last eight hours?
- [36:54]
C
Like, this is my day job.
- [36:55]
A
I don't know if you know this, but doing four minutes at the beginning of a show doesn't pay all that well.
- [37:00]
C
Yeah.
- [37:00]
A
So I have to do this to make ends meet.
- [37:03]
C
You're like, now go steal something so I can do something fun.
- [37:06]
A
Yeah. We had a guy on. We had one guy on. Not payroll, but we knew what he did. We knew he went to all the Stores and stole. And we just bought all the stuff from him. I still have an Eddie Bauer leather jacket that I'd gotten from him.
- [37:24]
C
No way.
- [37:24]
B
Yeah.
- [37:25]
A
Yeah.
- [37:25]
C
I used to work at Abercrombie and Fitch. Surprise. And I was working one night, and it was a late night thing. And sometimes you would have to stay after the mall closed and do like inventory kind of stuff. And the manager got fired. And I don't remember what he got fired for, but he got fired while he was on the clock. And it was me and two other guys. And so the manager gets fired and he comes up to us and he's like, I just got fired. If there's anything that you guys want, we can take the tags off, you can put it in a bag, and we're all gonna leave. And I was like, okay. And so he like, let us do this. And we just. We got like a big bag and we all just filled up our bags with clothes. And I didn't feel like it was stealing because I had permission.
- [38:13]
A
Yeah.
- [38:14]
C
So it was like a weird thing where I was like, it's definitely stealing.
- [38:18]
A
Yeah.
- [38:19]
C
But I had this mentality where I was like, no, no, but it's fine.
- [38:23]
A
Yeah. Because who's gonna report you?
- [38:25]
C
I'm not getting in trouble for this. And I'm being allowed to walk. I'm being told I can do it and walk in way.
- [38:29]
A
Yeah.
- [38:30]
C
And so I did. And I never went back to Abercrombie and Fitch because we all. We weren't allowed to go. I mean, we knew that that was like the end of the day.
- [38:39]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [38:39]
C
Yeah. So that was like the second time that I ever stole.
- [38:44]
A
So. And then you just walk out and the. The guest or the Abercrombie store blows up behind you.
- [38:49]
C
Yeah.
- [38:49]
A
Like in a movie.
- [38:50]
C
That would have been cool.
- [38:51]
A
That would have been sweet.
- [38:52]
C
That would have been really cool.
- [38:53]
A
Light a match.
- [38:56]
C
This is. What is that meme with the girl smiling and then everything's like burning in the background? That would have been like, me, but. Yeah. Have you ever stolen anything? Yeah.
- [39:09]
B
Yeah.
- [39:11]
A
I mean, not in the last 30 years, but it's been a while for me too. I remember we went to a half me and like two dudes went to a half price store and I threw like a pair of sandals down my. Down the sleeve of my windbreaker and walked out and thought I was Al Capone for like a day. I'm like, put on some Tupac. We're gangsters. Let's go.
- [39:34]
C
That's hilarious. Well, I guess let's get Back to your dating life. What is the closest you've ever come to getting married or a proposing? I guess I should say.
- [39:48]
A
I don't know. There. There were two. There have been two that I was like, should I. I need to figure out if I'm gonna marry this person.
- [40:01]
C
How do you figure that out? Feel a graph.
- [40:05]
A
A graph. Just, like, deep thought, I guess. The first one, you know, she was younger, and she was. She was fine. She just didn't inspire me. I felt like more. It felt like more of, like, a stepdad situation then I. I didn't feel like I had a partner. I felt like I was going to be a teacher for the rest of my life.
- [40:29]
C
Oh.
- [40:30]
A
And. And that didn't. That wasn't a way I wanted to live the rest of my life.
- [40:35]
C
Yeah.
- [40:36]
A
I want. I want a partner. I want someone to challenge me. I want. I want it to be a 50. 50. I want to feel like, oh, this is my ride or die.
- [40:44]
C
Yeah.
- [40:47]
A
And I didn't feel that. So I broke that off. And that was hard because she didn't do anything wrong.
- [40:56]
C
Right.
- [40:57]
A
It's not like she was a bad partner.
- [40:59]
C
No. Yeah.
- [41:00]
A
She was just not the one I wanted to marry.
- [41:02]
C
That is hard.
- [41:03]
A
And that.
- [41:04]
C
That's even harder.
- [41:05]
A
Yeah. And it was the worst. I've never felt like a smaller person than when I did that.
- [41:13]
C
Yeah.
- [41:13]
A
I don't regret it.
- [41:14]
C
But you weren't a small person. You were actually a bigger person. To leave a situation that you do wasn't gonna benefit you long term, but
- [41:22]
A
to watch a person's heartbreak in front
- [41:24]
C
of you, well, it sounds like her heart was gonna break either way.
- [41:27]
A
Yeah, but it's still. It's still like, one of those things that I look back on, and it, like, gives me the willies. And then the last one. I remember when we first got together, I told my mom I was, like, probably going to marry this girl. I'm probably not going to move back home. I don't think she wants to have kids.
- [41:46]
C
She didn't want to have kids.
- [41:47]
A
Not at the time. Not when we first got together.
- [41:50]
C
Yeah.
- [41:51]
A
And so I was. And I thought she was the one. I mean, she was also, like, a girl I had pined for, for years. And, like, to. The fact that I was dating her was, like, this huge thing for me. And. And then eventually you just realized, this isn't the way I want to live my life forever. And, you know, walking on pins and needles all the time, and so that. So that was that. But, yeah, there was definitely a Time, especially early on when I was like, oh, this is the one. We're done.
- [42:22]
C
Yeah.
- [42:22]
A
Like, I'm. It's just a matter of time. And it was definitely in the plane. It was like, oh, well, you know, I'll. I'll get a house and then we'll figure that out. But, yeah, that's about it. I've never, like, shopped for rings or anything, but I've definitely had deep thought about it. It's not. It's something I want to do at some point. I just. I'm not gonna compromise.
- [42:44]
C
Yeah.
- [42:45]
B
Yeah.
- [42:45]
C
What? Do you consider yourself romantic
- [42:52]
A
at times?
- [42:54]
C
What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone?
- [42:59]
A
I don't know. You know, the last girl I dated, I texted her every morning that I loved her and that I hoped she had a great day and that
- [43:13]
B
it
- [43:13]
A
was just always positive because I knew she was not happy in general and that she had been hurt a lot. So I wanted every morning to be like, I'm here. I love you, and I. And I want nothing but the best for you.
- [43:27]
C
You guys didn't live together or you were just traveling a lot?
- [43:30]
A
No, we didn't live together. At one point, I offered to move in. She wanted to stay at her place. And at one point, I was like, how about this summer I move in? And she was like, yeah. And then she backtracked on that and was like, I'm not ready for that. And I was like, that's weird, but I'll respect it.
- [43:50]
C
Have you lived with many girlfriends before?
- [43:53]
A
I've only lived with one. We were super young. We were in our early 20s, and I think it was the first time either one of us had lived away from home, and we shared an apartment, and we were both, you know, drug addicts, drinkers, fun, taking too many pills, staying out too late. She was a bartender. I was a comic.
- [44:17]
C
You were in your early 20s?
- [44:18]
A
We were in our early 20s, and it was one of those, you know, you break up every other week and get back together.
- [44:24]
C
You know, it's hard to really break up when you live with someone.
- [44:28]
A
Yeah. And then eventually she moved out, and. And then we broke up. And hilariously enough, when I moved back, I went to a funeral, and she was there, and I was like, oh, you look great. I didn't think anything of it. I was like, hey, you look great. Glad you, you know, you got two kids, hope things are good, blah, blah, blah. And then she texted me that night was like, I really enjoyed seeing you, blah, blah, blah. And I really like, you. And I was like, was she single? Yeah.
- [44:59]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [45:00]
A
And I was like, oh, okay.
- [45:01]
C
Was it her guy that died?
- [45:03]
A
Was. No, no. She literally was with this dude and then just was like, I don't want to be with you anymore, and divorced him. And. Or if they were. I don't know if they were married, but she left.
- [45:17]
C
Okay.
- [45:17]
A
And those. That's how she described it. And I. But she was like, yeah, let's. She was like, I want to hang out. And like. I was like, no, I'm. I'm good.
- [45:28]
C
Yeah.
- [45:28]
A
We did this already. I'm not interested in revisiting that.
- [45:34]
C
Yeah.
- [45:34]
A
And so. But yeah. So I just realized maybe earlier this year that I was ready to, like, get out there. The last breakup was tough, and it took me a lot of time to sort it out in my head.
- [45:50]
C
Yeah.
- [45:52]
A
And so, you know, especially when I first got there and everyone was trying to set me up, I was. I had zero. I was like, I don't want to see anyone.
- [46:00]
C
Yeah.
- [46:02]
A
Because I'm. All I see is her. And so I'm now at a point, like this summer, I'd like to. I'm gonna have to get out there and be a person.
- [46:13]
C
Crack a beer.
- [46:13]
A
Crack a beer. Make some jokes, meet some people, get my toes painted. Get it done.
- [46:20]
C
I was with Big J Okerson last night, and all of his fingernails are pink.
- [46:24]
A
Oh, yeah?
- [46:25]
C
Yeah.
- [46:25]
A
Is he in town?
- [46:27]
C
He was last night.
- [46:28]
A
Oh, okay. Yeah. No, he always has his fingernails painted. I paint my toes.
- [46:32]
C
Why do you paint your toes?
- [46:33]
A
Well, I started getting pedicures with the last girlfriend. Well, the first one I got, I was on tour with Bert, and we walked out of lunch, and there was a nail salon. He's like, let's go get a mani pedi. And I was like, okay. And I was like, oh, this is great.
- [46:47]
C
Y' all are hilarious.
- [46:49]
A
And I'll never forget I saw a video of Shane Torres. Apparently, he doesn't like to be touched, so this was, like, the last thing he needed to be doing. And these.
- [47:01]
C
Yeah. Just squirming in his chair.
- [47:03]
A
So funny.
- [47:04]
C
It's a lot of touching with a mani pedi.
- [47:06]
A
But me and the last girlfriend, it was kind of our thing.
- [47:09]
C
That's fun.
- [47:10]
A
Yeah. And I loved it. And then. But. And I even do a bit about it now, but I would always have to wait for her to get her toes painted, and you just sit there in the lobby like an asshole. And I didn't like that. So eventually, I was. I'm gonna just paint my toes.
- [47:22]
C
Yeah.
- [47:23]
A
And I would do gold, chrome. I'd do the gels.
- [47:26]
C
Okay.
- [47:26]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [47:28]
C
Get a little grill on your feet.
- [47:29]
A
Yeah. And I loved it. I looked awesome. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna get it redone next week now that we're in sandal season again and.
- [47:38]
C
Oh, no. Do you wear flip flops?
- [47:40]
A
No, I wear slides.
- [47:41]
C
Oh, thank God.
- [47:42]
A
Yeah, yeah. No flip flops. Yeah, that's. That's an ugly look.
- [47:46]
C
You gotta.
- [47:47]
A
You gotta be married for flip flops or live in San Diego.
- [47:50]
C
No, you don't. You just have to say no. You just something. Things you just have to say no to.
- [47:54]
A
What about the flip flops that are also a beer opener?
- [47:59]
C
I haven't heard of this.
- [48:01]
A
You haven't heard of it? They're everywhere. Have you not been near a lake?
- [48:04]
C
Oh, you mean the bottom of a flip flop?
- [48:06]
A
Yeah.
- [48:06]
C
Okay. When you did this, I was imagining a croc that, like, came up and then, like, cracked a beer. And I'm like, I haven't. I've never seen that. I feel like if it's a slide that has the beer opener, fine. But I don't want to see a thong. A thong sandal.
- [48:24]
A
Yeah.
- [48:25]
C
On a guy's foot with his little hairy toes and like, I. And especially in shorts. If you're in flip flops with little hairy toes and shorts and I can see your kneecaps and you're out in public and you're like. It's so offensive to me that you make me look at that.
- [48:45]
A
I feel like there's a specific memory that you're seeing in your head right now.
- [48:48]
B
Now.
- [48:49]
C
It's a lot of Austin.
- [48:50]
A
It's a lot.
- [48:52]
C
It's a lot of Austin. For some reason, these guys just feel like freedom.
- [48:59]
A
Yeah.
- [48:59]
C
To do whatever they want to do with style.
- [49:02]
A
Flipflops have never been comfortable to me.
- [49:04]
C
Thank God. They shouldn't be comfortable to men.
- [49:07]
A
That. That thong in the. In between the two toes.
- [49:10]
C
Why you just put a little 2in heel on it.
- [49:14]
A
She don't.
- [49:15]
C
Why?
- [49:16]
A
Yeah, I don't. Flip flops would never be. Been my thing. I do like slides, though. Just.
- [49:20]
C
Slides are cute.
- [49:21]
A
Yeah. And also they're just easy to put on.
- [49:23]
C
Yeah.
- [49:24]
A
Like, I don't wear either one of them out. Like, unless I'm going to the pool or something.
- [49:29]
C
Even if you did, it wouldn't matter. I'd be fine with slides.
- [49:32]
A
Yeah. But I'm also. Don't go to dinner in slides, dude. Like, let's put on.
- [49:38]
C
Don't ever show your toes at dinner.
- [49:40]
A
No.
- [49:41]
C
What are we doing?
- [49:42]
A
And this. And I'm from a guy I've been known to walk into very nice steakhouses in sweatpants.
- [49:48]
C
That's fine.
- [49:49]
A
I think that's a power move. But I don't.
- [49:51]
C
You know, you can really dress up sweatpants, and you can look like a billionaire in a very casual way. It's possible to do.
- [49:58]
A
Also, I spent a lot of money on my sweatpants. Like, I'm very. If there's one thing I spend too much money on, it's leisure wear.
- [50:06]
C
Yeah.
- [50:07]
A
It's all. Everyone's like, you're wearing sweatpants. I'm like, these sweatpants cost more than your entire outfit. So let's not talk here. Everything's nice. These are all saints.
- [50:17]
C
As long as you're not wearing flip flops.
- [50:19]
A
As long as you're not wearing flip flops. Yeah.
- [50:21]
C
Well, thank you for coming on my show.
- [50:22]
A
Thanks for having me. This was awesome.
- [50:24]
C
Yeah, I had a great time.
- [50:25]
A
God bless.
- [50:26]
C
Is there anything that you would like to shout out? I know that people can find you on your website.
- [50:30]
A
I have a new special coming out in July. It's called Middle Rage.
- [50:34]
C
Okay.
- [50:35]
A
It'll be pay per view in July and then streaming in September.
- [50:39]
C
Sweet.
- [50:39]
A
Yeah.
- [50:40]
C
Well, best of luck.
- [50:41]
A
Thank you.
- [50:41]
C
Break a leg. Thank you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date.
- [50:48]
B
Baby, are you really drinking a glass
- [50:50]
C
of milk with dinner?
- [50:53]
B
You told your mom about me?
- [50:57]
C
Delete my number.
- [50:59]
B
First Date, your parents are your roommates.
- [51:07]
C
First.