Dating a Stay-At-Home Boyfriend w/ Yvette Segan | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: First Date with Lauren Compton

Episode: Dating a Stay-At-Home Boyfriend w/ Yvette Segan
Date: January 20, 2026
Guest: Yvette Segan (Comedian, Host of Friend Crush Podcast)

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Overview of Episode's Main Theme

This episode of "First Date" with Lauren Compton features comedian and viral content creator Yvette Segan for a candid, humorous, and unfiltered conversation about the nuances of modern dating, relationship dynamics, personal revelations, and the challenges of navigating love as women in comedy. The show functions as a playful mock first date, with Lauren “assessing” her guest’s dateability while both share personal stories, hilarious anecdotes, and their perspectives on intimacy, expectations, and even unconventional relationship arrangements like stay-at-home boyfriends.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dating Status and Relationship Histories

• Yvette recently became official with her boyfriend on New Year’s Eve, after about two months of transitioning from friendship to romance. (02:10)
  • Quote [02:10]: Yvette: “He asked me to be his girlfriend at midnight. It was actually really cute.”
• She reveals her boyfriend is a content creator she met via Instagram and jokes about not wanting to become an "Internet couple." (03:09-04:32)
  • Quote [04:30]: Yvette: “I don’t want to do that. I want to do my thing.”
  • Quote [04:19]: Yvette: “Couples that are, like, doing dances on TikTok together and pranking each other… no, no.”
• Yvette’s previous longest relationship lasted a year but ended because her ex “didn’t like [her] personality,” highlighting the importance of authenticity. (05:00, 07:09)
  • Quote [05:07]: “Because he didn’t like me.”
  • Quote [07:09]: “He’d be like, ‘I love you, but your personality sucks.’ Like, that was a regular occurrence.”
• The conversation leads to a broader rumination about toxic relationships, breakups, and the emotional aftermath—especially the theme of ownership or jealousy post-breakup. (08:06, 08:48)
  • Quote [09:02]: Lauren: “If you break up with someone, you should own them for the rest of their lives.” (sarcastic)

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2. Expectations, Attraction, and Relationship Roles

• Lauren discusses how she was attracted to her husband only after learning he owned the restaurant where they met (superficial, but honest), and they banter over the appeal of "boss men" and ambitious partners who can “match your freak.” (09:46-13:51)
  • Quote [13:25]: Yvette: “You need someone who can match your freak in that way, otherwise they’re gonna resent the fuck out of you.”
  • Quote [13:28]: Lauren: “I think boss men are hot.”
• The dynamic of spoiling (gift-giving) and emotional support is explored, with Lauren sharing her husband’s spoiling ways, like giving her diamond necklaces. (15:30)
  • Quote [15:40]: “For Christmas, he got me my second diamond necklace.”
• Yvette ponders the feasibility and appeal of a “stay-at-home boyfriend,” explaining her own boyfriend’s nurturing, domestic side, which subverts some traditional gender roles. (17:57-18:30, 19:56)
  • Quote [17:57]: “Make my husband be a house husband—my current boyfriend is very into the home. He’ll, like, cook, he’ll clean. He’s really good at that stuff.”

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3. Self-Worth, Standards, and What Makes A Good Partner

• Yvette candidly acknowledges her historically low dating standards, and marvels that her current boyfriend’s gestures—like planning dates or small acts of kindness—feel extraordinary due to this contrast. (19:25-20:42)
  • Quote [19:52]: “I didn’t know men could be nice.”
• Both discuss how important it is to feel interesting and valued on a date, with Lauren describing how her husband’s curiosity and respect on their first date made her feel special. (21:42-22:35)
  • Quote [22:01]: Lauren: “If we can’t have some interesting conversation, it doesn’t go anywhere at all.”

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4. Dating Logistics, Living Situations, and Moving In

• Proximity (being neighbors) makes dating easier for Yvette and her boyfriend.
• The conversation turns to moving in together and the potential risks: statistics on cohabitation and likelihood of breaking up before or after marriage, making both women cautious about rushing to live together before marriage. (23:45-24:48)
  • Quote [24:09]: Yvette: “A lot of people who move in together before getting married will break up... Because when you already move in together, you’re like, ‘Well, we’re already here, so I guess we should just get married.’”

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5. Personal Growth and Saturn Return

• Yvette shares her experience with the "Saturn return" (astrological event around age 27-28), reflecting on a year of self-discovery, solitude, and heartbreak—including a platonic love with her best friend. (26:25-27:44)
  • Quote [27:44]: “I white-knuckle it through life a lot because I’m obsessed with control… I learned the hard way what love actually looks like versus conditional love.”

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6. Rom-Coms, Pop Culture, and Relationship Fantasies

• The hosts geek out over favorite romantic comedies: Lauren is obsessed with "French Kiss" (owns two DVDs), Yvette prefers "When Harry Met Sally." (28:15-29:01)
  • Quote [29:01]: Yvette: “‘When Harry Met Sally’ is just, like, kind of the perfect movie.”
• The fantasy of grand romantic gestures versus disappointing reality: Yvette shares a story of a “rom-com moment” with a London actor dancing with her during an immersive "Romeo & Juliet" play experience—a gesture that ended with eventual disappointment due to the guy’s conspiracy theorist beliefs. (51:40-55:39)
  • Quote [53:50]: “He finds me in the crowd, grabs my hand… We danced in front of Romeo and Juliet meeting for the first time.”

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7. Hotness, Self-Image, and Gender Expectations

• The notion that everyone envies “hot girls” is dissected; Yvette argues that being attractive can actually make life harder, with people wanting to use you rather than treat you as a person. (44:16-45:16)
  • Quote [44:16]: “Everyone is jealous of hot women… but the secret… is that they have seen sides of humanity that no one ever needs to see.”
• Both agree that the pressure to appear attractive as a woman never disappears, citing both their own lives and their mothers’ continued vigilance about appearance into their 60s and beyond. (48:22-48:52)
  • Quote [48:22]: “My mom… in her 60s… put on an outfit and was like, ‘Does this make me look heavy?’… It never ends.”
• Lauren emphasizes an increased pressure to be a “hot mom,” aiming to turn heads—to feel she’s “still got it.” (48:07-48:16)

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8. Body Types & Preferences

• The guests joke about dating men who are “medium ugly” or have “tree trunk” builds, connecting it to their own desires to feel cute or “tiny” in comparison, and to avoid jealousy issues with overly handsome men. (37:03-38:59)
  • Quote [37:03]: Lauren: “What’s your type?”
  • Quote [37:04]: Lauren: “Medium ugly. They gotta be medium ugly.”

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9. Gender Roles in Comedy & Relationships

• Yvette observes that male partners often feel threatened or confused by women in comedy, which can drive a wedge in dating; she gives an example of a chef in London who didn't “get” her after-show energy. (43:12-43:17)
  • Quote [43:12]: “A lot of guys feel really threatened by [women in comedy].”
• Both relate to struggles balancing fulfilling relationships and creative careers, especially as parents or touring comics.

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10. Fandom, Reality Shows, and Guilty Pleasures

• Conversation detours into Harry Potter fandom and playful sorting into Hogwarts houses.
• Both joke about reality dating TV—neither would consider “Love is Blind,” but Yvette’s dream has always been to go on "Love Island UK". (39:53, 40:13)
  • Quote [39:53]: Yvette: “My dream is to be on Love Island UK… in their, like, prime.”

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11. Pop Culture, Sexuality, and Boundaries

• Yvette passionately recommends the show "Heated Rivalry"—describing it as essentially gay porn for everyone—while Lauren is less convinced. (34:13-36:44)
  • Quote [34:31]: Yvette: “It’s gay porn for the whole family. I swear to God.”
  • Quote [36:03]: Yvette: “Open your butthole and your mind.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Setting Standards:
  • [19:52] Yvette: “I didn’t know men could be nice.”
• On Breakups:
  • [09:02] Lauren: “If you break up with someone, you should own them for the rest of their lives.”
• On Gender Dynamics in Relationships:
  • [13:25] Yvette: “You need someone who can match your freak in that way, otherwise they’re gonna resent the fuck out of you.”
• On Being Spoiled:
  • [15:40] Lauren: “For Christmas, he got me my second diamond necklace.”
• On "Hot Girl Problems":
  • [44:16] Yvette: “Everyone is jealous of hot women… they have seen sides of humanity that no one ever needs to see.”
• On Pressure for Perpetual Attractiveness:
  • [48:22] Yvette: “My mom… in her 60s… put on an outfit and was like, ‘Does this make me look heavy?’… It never ends.”
• On Pop Culture Sex Positivity:
  • [34:31] Yvette: “It’s gay porn for the whole family. I swear to God.”
• On Romantic Gestures:
  • [53:50] Yvette: “He finds me in the crowd, grabs my hand… We danced in front of Romeo and Juliet meeting for the first time.”
• On Partners Supporting Creative Careers:
  • [43:12] Yvette: “A lot of guys feel really threatened by [women in comedy].”
• On "Medium Ugly" Partners:
  • [37:04] Lauren: “Medium ugly. They gotta be medium ugly.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:10 — Yvette’s New Year's Eve relationship milestone
• 05:00-07:15 — Yvette’s toxic ex and lessons learned
• 13:28 — Why ambitious, “boss” partners are attractive
• 15:30 — Lauren shares about her husband spoiling her
• 17:57-18:30 — Stay-at-home boyfriend discussion
• 20:13-20:41 — Boyfriend’s small acts of consideration
• 24:09 — Risks of moving in before marriage
• 26:25-27:44 — Saturn return and self-discovery
• 28:15-29:01 — Favorite rom-coms segment
• 34:13-36:44 — "Heated Rivalry" and pop culture discussion
• 37:04 — Lauren on "medium ugly" as her type
• 43:12 — Barriers in dating as a female comic
• 44:16-45:16 — “Hot girl life” is not as easy as it looks
• 48:22 — The never-ending pressure to be attractive
• 53:50 — “Rom-com” real life moment with London boyfriend

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Tone & Style

• The episode is highly conversational, irreverent, and self-deprecating, weaving humor with moments of honesty and vulnerability. Both Lauren and Yvette are quick-witted, sarcastic, and lean into a confessional style—often poking fun at themselves, societal norms, and even the audience’s expectations.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a wild, funny, and refreshingly honest take on what dating looks like for ambitious women in entertainment. Lauren and Yvette discuss everything from vulnerability and low standards to the desire for romantic gestures, the realities of toxic relationships, and the challenging mix of ambition, intimacy, and evolving gender roles. If you want to hear real talk about relationships with plenty of laughs, this “first date” is a must-listen.

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight.

[B]

First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait.

[A]

First date. What is up, you guys? Thank you for watching another episode of First Date. My guest today is a standup comic. She's also the host of the Friend.

[B]

Crush porn project podcast.

[A]

Podcast. You know, I have a teleprompter right there. I could have looked, but you made me feel like that's the easiest part to remember. And I'm like, well, then I'm not gonna look at it. That's exactly why it's there.

[B]

I bullied you. I fucked with you.

[A]

I was like, now I'm not gonna look at it.

[B]

I'm so sorry I said that to you. I can't believe I got in your head like that. I can't believe how easy it was to. Hold on.

[A]

Let me pronounce your name correctly first. Now that we've talked about that too. Give it up for Yvette Segan.

[B]

That's me. Thanks, guys. Thanks for having me. It's so nice to meet you.

[A]

Thank you for coming on. Okay, so let's get into your dating life.

[B]

Oh, my God. Right away. I mean, ease me into it. What a better. Okay, put your hand on my knee.

[A]

I can't reach it. I would.

[B]

I know. We're too far apart. Okay.

[A]

This is a long distance relationship.

[B]

This moment is absolutely. Yeah. So we're on a date right now. Is that.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Can we be?

[A]

We can be.

[B]

Are you a little gay?

[A]

No.

[B]

Me neither. Fuck, no. I've thought about it and I've landed on. I'm not. I'm not really gay enough to say it, but I've. I've kissed a woman or two in my lifetime, and I was like, okay.

[A]

I don't think. I mean, I feel like it's. I don't know. You're not gay.

[B]

I'm not gay.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not gay either.

[B]

Okay. Glam.

[A]

Are you dating anybody?

[B]

I. I am actually dating someone right now.

[A]

How long have you been dating this person?

[B]

So disgustingly new. So grossly new. Like, yesterday, he. We became official on New Year's Eve. He asked me to be his girlfriend at midnight.

[A]

That's cute.

[B]

Yeah, it was actually really cute.

[A]

How long had y' all been dating prior to that?

[B]

Yeah, it was. We've known each other for, like, a tiny bit.

[A]

I don't know what a tiny bit is. Can you be more specific? A tiny bit to me is like the day before New Year's Eve.

[B]

Yeah, it's been like a few months. It's been like. I think we were hanging out as friends for, like, six weeks, and then he was like, I like you more than that.

[A]

Is this guy in high school?

[B]

I'm saying it badly. He actually did it in a really cute way. I'm making him look dumb and bad. So that's good for us, and that's gonna bode well for our budding relationship.

[A]

How did y' all meet?

[B]

The Internet dot com.

[A]

Like Hinge?

[B]

No, like Instagram.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He's also on the Internet, and I'm on the Internet, and we knew each other from that. And he followed me, and then I DM'd him, which he will never let me live down that. I DM'd him first, but that was, like, a while ago. And then we didn't hang out.

[A]

What? What did your DM say?

[B]

I just said, hey, great to connect on here, because he followed me because I was like, you're my coworker. I wasn't doing anything.

[A]

Does he do stand up, too?

[B]

No, but he's a content creator.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you gonna talk in code to me, though?

[B]

Because I don't want to reveal his identity. Like, it's so new and. Oh, okay.

[A]

No, we won't talk about it.

[B]

We won't talk about it. We're trying to keep, like, our. I. Can I tell you something? My nightmare?

[A]

Please.

[B]

My biggest nightmare would be to be in, like, an Internet couple. And I love you if you do that, but, like, I just don't want to do that.

[A]

An Internet couple?

[B]

Yeah. Like, the people that are like, this is my boyfriend. We do content together. You know what I'm talking about? No, no. Pranking my boyfriend, telling him that I have herpes. But so y'. All.

[A]

So you're. Wait, what?

[B]

No, that's like a. Couples that, like. Couples that are, like, doing dances on TikTok together and, like, pranking each other and, like.

[A]

But people love that stuff. That's like influencer couples.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I don't want to do that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I want to do my thing. Sorry, I'm getting so mad. Right? I, like, take out a gun. I'm like, I don't want to do that. Don't do it. I shoot myself.

[A]

That'd be terrible. A terrible ending to this story.

[B]

It's just not something that I personally see in my immediate or foreseeable future. But I like that. He has his lane. I have my lane, and they don't overlap.

[A]

Okay, what is the longest relationship you've ever been in?

[B]

A year.

[A]

And how did that end he broke up with me. Why?

[B]

Because he didn't like me.

[A]

He said that kinda love someone who tells the truth, though.

[B]

You know, the actual end of that relationship, he. He was one of those people that kept being like, oh, I straight up don't like your personality. Like, repeatedly. And then I'd be like, wait, let me just change it for you. And then I was like 24. And then. And then at the end of it, I. So I had the flu. And he would text me good morning every morning, and then he didn't that day and I was just like, oh, okay, I guess he's busy. And I woke up late because I had the flu. And then I didn't text him or he texted me at like 1pm and then I was like, oh, hey, what's up? And he was like, so you just weren't gonna text me like all morning? And I was like, oh, I just assumed you were busy. Cause like every single day you text me good morning, starshine or whatever the fuck bullshit that doesn't matter. He would say. And then I was like, oh, cool, I thought you were busy. He was like, wow, that's like, really fucked up. I was like, oh, cool, I have the flu. Do you wanna ask me how I'm. How I'm doing or is that not on the table? And then I. Yeah. And then we went to dinner a few nights after that. And he was like, yeah, this just isn't gonna work. And I was like, okay. And I was like, sobbing at dinner. And then he went to the bathroom and I paid for dinner because I wanted to, like, stick it to him or something. I don't know what I was thinking. Should have let him pay and then.

[A]

Always let him pay.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I was just trying to be. I don't know, I was just like, get out of here.

[A]

It's also weird that he would take you out to dinner to tell you something like that in public.

[B]

Oh, yeah, he was a monster.

[A]

Like, I.

[B]

He was like, so weird and crazy and I was just like. I was just like dick blind. And so I like, couldn't see any of that. Yeah, you know what I mean?

[A]

It sucks that he told you that he didn't like you and then it hurt your feelings. I wish it didn't hurt your feelings because if someone just told me that they didn't like me, you'd be like, okay, yeah, it would make things a lot easier.

[B]

No, but he would. He would be like, I love you, but your personality sucks. Like, that was sort of like a.

[A]

Regular occurrence so what did he fall in love with?

[B]

I have no idea. He didn't. He genuinely didn't like me. I don't think he realized that he didn't like me. I think he, like, wanted to like me, and then we just, like, kept dating. And then it was like.

[A]

There's so many layers to that.

[B]

Do you know what I mean, though?

[A]

I feel like when you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with, like, a deep part of them.

[B]

Like, real love is like, well, we had a toxic relationship. So I think we got. We got stuck in, like, the high highs, low lows of it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And so we were both like, oh, well, this is love. Because it sucks. Like, it's painful. Why are you feeling bad for me?

[A]

Isn't this experience, like. I think that that's just real life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Of toxic relationships, and I've been in toxic relationships, so it makes me sad to know that that's a shared experience.

[B]

Oh, yeah. No. Everyone has been in a toxic relationship. And you kind of, like, don't even really know the signs until you've, like. Cause when you're in it, you're like, yeah, but they actually love me. Yeah. And then you get out of it and you go, oh, that person hated me.

[A]

My toxic relationships have been mostly out of jealousy. That's where my toxic stuff happens. Like, I will decide that. You're right. We don't need to be together. Like, this is not for us. And then we would break up, and then I would see him going out with other people and lose it. And then that's when I would be like, how can you possibly move on from me?

[B]

Right.

[A]

You should be, like, at home alone, thinking about what you did. Right. Not trying to rebound and get your shit together.

[B]

Well, yeah. I think that it's fair to say that if you break up with someone, you should own them for the rest of their lives.

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

And all of their behavior, like, kind of like they owe you for eternity. For eternity, I would think.

[A]

And if we fall in love, we should get married the next day.

[B]

Yeah. Are you in a relationship right now?

[A]

I am married.

[B]

You're married? Yeah. Okay, good.

[A]

Like, I've been in my relationship for four years. Okay. So it's been a minute.

[B]

And do you like him? I do. And did you know right away?

[A]

I did.

[B]

Like, day one, you were like, this is my man.

[A]

Hold on, let me think. Day one. Nope. Nope. It took three days.

[B]

Three days.

[A]

It took three days.

[B]

What was on day three?

[A]

On day three, I found out he wasn't a busboy and he actually owned the restaurant and that was.

[B]

So we're superficial.

[A]

Quite.

[B]

No, I'm kidding. Yeah, that's fine.

[A]

I would say I'm pretty superficial in the way of that. I definitely want to not marry the busboy. Sure, but I thought the busboy was fun.

[B]

I was like, you fuck the busboy.

[A]

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[B]

Oh. So you, like, were.

[A]

I thought it was fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I have always been, like, way more interested in men that have some going on.

[B]

I think so, too. I think, like, as a. As a lady who, like, wants to achieve a lot, you kind of need someone who can match your freak in that way. Otherwise, they're gonna resent the out of you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're never gonna understand your lifestyle either.

[A]

Like, I think boss men are hot. I think, like, CEOs and stuff like that. Like, I. I have always grown up just imagining that, like, that, to me, is, like, a really smart man just because they've somehow finagled their way into a top position. So I'm like, you have your shit together.

[B]

Yeah. You know how to, like, leverage the world to make it work for you.

[A]

Yeah. And so that's always been appealing.

[B]

That's appealing.

[A]

So when I.

[B]

Is he funny?

[A]

He is funny.

[B]

Okay, cool. He is. And he's smart.

[A]

He's too smart.

[B]

Ooh, Is he depressed?

[A]

I think he's, like, into philosophy. So he's like a deep thinker.

[B]

Yeah, he's, like, obsessed with himself.

[A]

You know? It's funny that you asked me that. Cause he asked me if I thought he was pretentious the other day. He's like, do you think I'm pretentious?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Get over it.

[B]

I was like, I hate your husband. Sorry.

[A]

That's terrible.

[B]

No, I'd love to meet him. Let's go on a double date.

[A]

I think it's great when people ask questions about themselves like that.

[B]

Yeah. Like introspection.

[A]

What if he was, like, a narcissist? And then would never be like, do you think I'm a narcissist? Because he would be afraid of that answer. Right.

[B]

Well, also, I think the thing with narcissists is that they never think, am I a narcissist? They assume that they're not. They, like, don't have the ability to think that. Yeah.

[A]

So I like that he asks me questions.

[B]

And what did you say?

[A]

I told him I thought that he was in certain aspects of his life. I thought he Was quite pretentious.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Like his. The furniture that he picks out.

[B]

Pretentious king. Let's fucking go. Yeah, that's your man.

[A]

I do like it, though.

[B]

Yeah, if you like it, then who gives a shit?

[A]

And he spoils me. And I like that, too.

[B]

See? Good.

[A]

He's right up my alley.

[B]

Okay, what is the. What has he gotten you that's spoiling you?

[A]

For Christmas, he got me my second diamond necklace, perfect for Mother's Day. He got me my first one.

[B]

Your mom.

[A]

I'm on my second. I'm pregnant.

[B]

You're pregnant right now?

[A]

I am.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Ten weeks pregnant.

[B]

Congratulations.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Life in Austin is so different from life in New York. Can I just say that, like, if you were in New York, you'd be like, yeah, I have four roommates and a situationship. And, yeah, maybe one day.

[A]

That's how it is in la.

[B]

It. What? Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's the same way.

[B]

Yeah. Everyone's so, like, when I was in.

[A]

La, I was like, I'm never having kids.

[B]

Yeah. And then now you're like, I have.

[A]

Two, now I'm on my second.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Wait. Congrats.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

That's. Oh, okay. How old's your first kid?

[A]

10 months.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So you're almost 11 months.

[B]

They're going to be 18 months apart. Holy shit. That was me and my brother.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. We're 18 months apart.

[A]

Are y' all friends?

[B]

No.

[A]

Shit.

[B]

It can go both ways. I think you can either be besties or your mortal enemies.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Unfortunately.

[A]

Why are you guys not friends? Help me avoid.

[B]

I think we have different. We're both really sensitive people, and we don't have the same. I think my family's flaw, broadly, is that we're not good at resolving conflict because we're not, like, communicative in that way. So I've had to, like, learn that in adulthood.

[A]

Is he older or younger than you?

[B]

He's older.

[A]

Okay. 18 months apart. Hmm.

[B]

We've always been really competitive, though, so that's the thing you have to avoid.

[A]

I thought being competitive was good with your sibling. Yeah.

[B]

There's fun competitive and then there's, like, evil competitive.

[A]

What's evil competitive?

[B]

Like, I will. I want to destroy you.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Which isn't, like, happening to me.

[A]

Which.

[B]

Like, I wouldn't know anything about.

[A]

So. Do you want kids?

[B]

Yeah, if I can. If I can financially do that, and if I can give them, like, a good life and, like, the energy and attention that. And also maintain Like, I would need my career to be in a place where I felt like I could take that on.

[A]

Yeah. Or you just marry someone who's not the busboy.

[B]

Right. And then make my husband be a house husband. Be great and. Yeah. Yeah, Perfect. Well, my current boyfriend is very into, like, the home. Like, he'll, like, cook, he'll clean. He's like. He's really good at that stuff. And Mrs. Doubtfire. Yeah, he's Mrs. Doubtfire. So I kind of do a little bit. I'm like, well, if that exists, like, maybe I could really have, like, a situation where, like, I go do my thing. I do spots at night. I'm a comedian. I'm on the road, and, like, he's home with the kids, I just pop him out.

[A]

I'd be very interested to see how that goes. I mean, I'm not saying it can't happen. I don't know. I guess I'm just too nurturing. I want to be home.

[B]

You just said I'm a bad person.

[A]

Did I?

[B]

I'm sorry. You just go, I'm. I'm too nurturing.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

But actually, like, I don't know if I have that in me, but did you know you were nurturing before you had the kid?

[A]

I think that one of the reasons I didn't want to have kids is because I knew I would be, like, so. Want to be so involved in their life.

[B]

Honestly, I think if I did have a kid, I'd probably be like, well, it. I'm. I'm doing this now. But you.

[A]

I mean, you can. You still have your life, though.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, you're here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For example.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With your. With your two diamond necklaces on.

[A]

I'm crushing it.

[B]

Yeah. I can tell. Look at this shit.

[A]

So do you. What is your highest expectation when you're dating in a relationship?

[B]

Highest expectation? I think, well, historically, I've had very low standards, so if they. Well, my boyfriend now, like, his joke with me is that, like, I'm, like, a wounded animal. Like, every time he, like, does very basic nice stuff for me, I'm like, wait, really? And he's like, who hurt you? And I'm like, literally everyone. Literally everyone. Like, all of everybody. I didn't know men could be nice.

[A]

Hmm. What is the nicest thing he's done for you?

[B]

Everything he does for me is so nice. He does this thing that I am totally obsessed with where he. He will be like, what? Like, he'll be like, oh, are you free this day? And I'm like, yeah. And then he said, he goes, okay, we have a reservation at 7 and like, just doesn't like, I don't have to do anything.

[A]

That is great.

[B]

It's so nice. Like, it's just relaxing. The other night he. We were both apart for like, I travel a lot for standup and like, he's, you know, it was like December and Christmas and Thanksgiving and whatever. He. He came back from Christmas break and went straight to my apartment from the airport and, and hung out with me for an hour and a half before my show that night and then ubered me to my show.

[A]

That is nice.

[B]

And I was like, that's just kind, like, that's just so considerate and thoughtful and like, he just wanted to spend more time with me in the car because he like had his bags with him. So he was like, I'm gonna Uber home. Can I Uber you to your spot? We can do like two stops. And I was like, yeah. And he just. Because he wanted to like, keep me company, like on my he likes you journey. Yeah.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

Insane. Well, that's the thing that I have to like, figure out is like to actually believe that he likes me.

[A]

Well, you just have to accept that.

[B]

Yeah. Did you have trouble with that when you first started dating your husband? What, like being like, oh, he actually likes me?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, so you've good. You have good self esteem or whatever.

[A]

I assume if you're going on a date with me, you like me or you at least like the way I look.

[B]

Okay. But yeah, but, like, people want to fudge you, but they don't necessarily like you. I feel like that's the thing that happens to women.

[A]

I read people.

[B]

Really? And you can tell quickly. Okay. Yeah.

[A]

If someone, if like, you got to be right up my alley for it to like, work. Like, you have to. I like to feel interesting and I like to ask interesting questions. And if we can't have some, like, interesting conversation.

[B]

Yeah, totally not.

[A]

It doesn't go anywhere at all. And I have to laugh and I have to make you laugh. And that's like the basic foundation of getting to date number two. And our first date, the whole day, all he did was ask me questions about myself. So I felt so interesting. I was like, this guy really fucking cares about who I am and what I've done and what I want and all this stuff. And then the second date was all about him pretty much. I was like, this guy asked me everything about myself and I have no idea who he is.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then I asked Him a ton of questions.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then I was like, all right, I like you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it morphed into.

[B]

But that's also cool because he, like, fully. He was, like, being very intentional, obviously. Like, he wanted to, like, really get to know you first. Yeah. And not just be like, she's hot.

[A]

But he. He was the best at that. I. It's not like that happens every time. That was just the first time I felt, like, very interesting. And so that really made me feel good.

[B]

Aww, that's sweet. Wait, also, my boyfriend charged my phone. That was really nice.

[A]

That is really nice.

[B]

Yeah, it was like, I, like, left my phone on his, like, bedside table, and then he just, like, plugged it in overnight and then his phone died. That was really sweet. I liked that.

[A]

How far away do you guys live? In New York.

[B]

We are neighbors.

[A]

Oh, so you're close?

[B]

Yeah, we live like two stops away on the train. Like, very close.

[A]

Have you ever lived with a boyfriend?

[B]

No, I'm, like, very single. I love being single, so this is, like, really new for me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But we just vibe as, so it's like, been really fun.

[A]

How long do you think it would take to move in with someone?

[B]

I mean, it's hard to say because I go really hard when I like somebody. But I mean, I feel like two months. No, probably like minimum a year. I don't really see myself moving in with someone until I'm like, we're gonna get married.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I wanna, like, low key. Okay. So here's something about moving in. This is what I have heard. A lot of people who move in first before getting married will break up. It's like a higher statistic of divorce, something like that. Because when you already move in together, you're like, well, we're already here, so I guess we should just get married.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Because it's like, it would be so hard to break up. So they're just like, on a train and they're like, the train's left the station, so we'll just get married and then they end up getting divorced later. That's wild because you, like, build such a life with someone, then you're financially tied to that person before marriage.

[A]

Well, breakup is definitely harder when you live with someone. Right. But not impossible. I've ripped that band aid off many times. Oh, yeah. And it's been brutal every time.

[B]

You've lived with partners and broken up with them multiple times. Girl, let's get it.

[A]

I have.

[B]

You're brave every time. You're still standing.

[A]

That's it has ended horribly.

[B]

Did you end it or did they?

[A]

I did.

[B]

Whoa. You're kind of an ice queen.

[A]

I did.

[B]

I kind of. I want to be like you.

[A]

I feel. Thank you.

[B]

You're like, my husband gets me diamonds.

[A]

He does.

[B]

And I dump guys who I live with. And now I'm a mom. And I'm like, whoa, should I write a book? Yeah, write a book. How to Dump a Guy youy Live with.

[A]

The Ice Cream Queen's Memoirs.

[B]

Yeah. Marry the guy that makes you feel interesting. That's like the title of your memoir.

[A]

That's the number one starting point.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How long until you say I love you?

[B]

See, these are just case by case things. Can I tell you though? I've been single for two years and then like a year. I mean that my last relationship was three months.

[A]

How about this? What have you learned about yourself being single for so long?

[B]

I've learned this year specifically has been like the biggest year of like self discovery. Do you know about like Saturn return?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, so when you're 27, apparently I'm 28 now. When you're 27, there's like a thing that happens. It's like Saturn lines up or something. I don't know. I'm not into this stuff. My friends keep telling me about it and apparently it's like a big shake up in your life and like if you're on the right track then everything will keep going great and you're gonna hit the like a gold mine.

[A]

Is it all 27 year olds?

[B]

It's like around like 27, 28.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's like when it would happen. And then if it's not okay, if you're not on the right path, then your entire universe will like explode and everything will go wrong. And like you're gonna get kicked in the teeth a bunch of. And then you get pushed onto the right path.

[A]

So do you feel like you've been pushed onto the right path? Yes.

[B]

I had a terrible year. I was like celibate for 10 months. I was like in love with my best friend who was like, not, like not. We would not have been good together, like truly. And then we had this like whole crazy like falling out. Not falling out, but like it was just very emotional. Now we don't speak. And then I think I just learned at the end of all this that like if people like you, they like you. And it's not like with you don't have to. I think I'm. I'm very like into like death grip onto on Stuff.

[A]

Yeah. Like. And I white knuckle it through life a lot.

[B]

I white knuckle a lot because I'm obsessed with control. And I think I've, like, learned the hard way that, like, you like, what love actually looks like and, like, what conditional love looks like versus actual love through, like. And that men can be really mean to you.

[A]

They can.

[B]

And then you have to know to get yourself the fuck out of that and what the signs are.

[A]

Do you like rom coms? Yeah, I love rom coms.

[B]

What's your favorite rom com?

[A]

French kiss.

[B]

Ooh, what's that one?

[A]

It's with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And it's so good.

[B]

Should we watch it?

[A]

You know what's crazy? You can only get it on dvd. What? You can't stream it, like, on any platform.

[B]

Do you have the dvd?

[A]

I have two of them in case one gets scratched. And I have a DVD player only to watch that movie.

[B]

That's insane. How often do you watch it?

[A]

I haven't watched it since. In 10 months.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I used to watch it, like, every other week.

[B]

So you memorize the whole thing.

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

You don't even need the dvd. I don't have it in your room.

[A]

I just watch it. Just.

[B]

Yeah, you can just close your eyes.

[A]

And just be like, watch it. Yeah.

[B]

So I'm watching French Kiss.

[A]

What's yours?

[B]

My favorite rom com. When Harry Met Sally.

[A]

That's a great one. So you love Meg Ryan?

[B]

I love Meg Ryan. Well, I mean, that is.

[A]

She's iconic.

[B]

Oh, my God. When Harry Met Sally is like, literally.

[A]

Oh, what about you've got mail?

[B]

A little cheesy for me. I don't know. It didn't quite hit as hard. Yeah, it's a little like. Okay. There was, like, a period of time in rom coms when they were like, if he's a dad, he's so hot. And everyone's like, he's a dad, and there's nothing about him that's anything at all. But they're just like, but he's a father and he's a widow. Like, widower or whatever. I'm like, okay. And then everyone freaked out. Yeah. But I'm like, I don't really see that as, like. I don't think that, like, translates to now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whereas When Harry Met Sally is just, like, kind of the perfect movie.

[A]

That is a great movie.

[B]

It's amazing.

[A]

I love those movies too. What do you. What does a date night look like for you and your boyfriend?

[B]

Um, I mean, it can be anything. I'm kind of doing. We're doing this thing where we're spending, like way too much time together now because, like, I'm on the road a lot. So when I'm home, we're just kind of like seeing each other constantly.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

My favorite. I'm. I'm a freak. So, like, my favorite thing to do with him is literally just to be like working next to him.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Like that feels great because I'm just like, he's working, I'm working and I get to work but also be with him. But date night is like, I don't know, we like go to dinner. He keeps trying to like, take. He was like, let's go see a Broadway show. And I was like, I literally can never commit to that because I work at night.

[A]

Do you like Harry Potter? Yeah, you have to go see the Two and a Half Hour Harry Potter play.

[B]

I've seen it.

[A]

Do you like it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wasn't Draco Malfoy, whoever that actor was.

[B]

And he like, was in it. I was like, did that. Are you good at all? I haven't seen that version of it. I saw it in London before I moved.

[A]

Isn't that like a two day play?

[B]

I don't know. I don't remember because it was so long ago, but I remember being like, this is fine.

[A]

I thought it was like six hours one day and then six hours the next day. Oh, in London. The one in London. Is that not what you saw?

[B]

Maybe I saw a part one or something.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I just remember being like, okay, nice.

[A]

I haven't seen either one of them.

[B]

It's a little like theme parky. Oh, it's a little like amusement park.

[A]

Like, I fear I would love that.

[B]

That's. Do you love Harry Potter?

[A]

I do.

[B]

What's like your house?

[A]

I don't have any memorabilia.

[B]

Okay, but what do you like? Are you like a Slytherin? Are you Gryffindor?

[A]

I thought you meant like, what's in my house?

[B]

I was like, no, no, no, no. Like, I don't have any.

[A]

My wand. I have it on me.

[B]

I'm like, I did. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. No, but I, I, you know, I've never even thought about that.

[B]

Are you kidding me? You're a millennial.

[A]

I should have thought about that.

[B]

This is your culture.

[A]

I don't know, I guess if I'm the Ice Queen, I'd be more in like Slytherin, right?

[B]

Yeah, you're so Slytherin. Cause you have good boundaries.

[A]

You know this is really establishing for me as a person to now put myself in a house of Harry Potter. What house are you in?

[B]

I think, like, also Slytherin. Okay. I'm kind of a bit. It's fun.

[A]

You've seemed so nice.

[B]

Really. Thank you. I try to be nice. I like being nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm. I'll be all. I got an edge. You know what's crazy about Austin that people keep doing to me? It's like in the south, it's like this. People are, like, trying to talk to you, like, out. Like, I'm like, in the elevator in my hotel, and people are like, hey. And I'm like, ah. Stop. Ah. Like, it sucks. I hate that. It freaks me out. I'm like, can you let me be on my phone?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like you guys have, like, human connection here, which is crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you like that.

[A]

I tote around a child a lot.

[B]

Right. And then people talk to you because you're a child.

[A]

People talk to the child as if the child is gonna be like, hi.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm just like, oh, my God, Take his hand. I'm like, I wish your kid was here right now.

[A]

What are you doing? It's like, he's like my ventriloquist, like, little thing.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah. And you're like, say hi. I'm like, waving his hand. You're shaking the baby. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know why people talk to him like he's gonna have a full blown conversation back.

[B]

He's so cute. I bet he's so cute.

[A]

I think he is.

[B]

What's his name?

[A]

Jax.

[B]

Jax. Isn't that. Isn't that a guy on Vanderbilt? Vanderpump?

[A]

I thought it was someone on. What's that motorcycle show? Sons of Anarchy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I don't know. I've never seen Son of Ansar. Sons of Anarchy. I didn't pick his name. His dad did. His dad was obsessed with that name before he even came along. Jax. Taylor. God, my son does not look anything like that.

[B]

Not yet.

[A]

If he ever has a. If he has a mustache and a flavor saver like that, we're gonna have issues, dude.

[B]

But look at him. He's so hot.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

You don't want your son to be hot like that.

[A]

Not like that. Look at that smile. That smile just looks like he gave someone chlamydia by looking at him, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Chlamydia through the air.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, hey, you're.

[B]

Yeah, it's a little. Is he Gay in that show.

[A]

I think he's just gay in real life.

[B]

It's a reality show. Is he gay in that or is he straight?

[A]

If you have to ask.

[B]

Are you watching Heated Rivalry?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, my God. With your husband and have sex to it. It's crazy.

[A]

Oh, is it a sexy show?

[B]

It's porn. Oh, it's gay porn for everyone.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it's gay.

[B]

It's gay.

[A]

My husband would hate that.

[B]

No, no, he'd love it because it's accessible. It's hot. It's undeniably hot. It is gay rivalry. It's gay porn for the whole family. I swear to God.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

I swear to God. Watch it. Like, watch it with your son. No, don't watch it. It's like. Yeah, it's insane. It's, like, totally nuts. It's like, them being, like, very tender to one another too, but also, like, fucking the shit out of each other. And I'm like, this is two guys. Yeah. Why?

[A]

Mm. I don't want to see it.

[B]

Watch it before you say that. Watch it. I promise you the first.

[A]

But I don't want to see it.

[B]

No, but you do. The first episode. The first episode is, like. So it's a hockey show, right? First episode, 95% sex. There's, like, genuinely. And I mean this. Like, you don't see them on the ice, like, one time. You just see them in the locker room, and, you know, not in the locker room in bed, then in the hotel room. Then they have sex to complete. And you see no hockey. Like, the ratio of, like, sex to hockey is easy. It's all fudgeing each other. And they're, like, going. And it's like, oh, now he's giving him head. And now he's giving him head. Like, it's like they switch off. Like, they're communicating well. It's like, wow, this is really beautiful. It's so worth a watch. I can't believe you're, like, not buying into this at all. You have, like, a dating show.

[A]

My nose are turning inward. Like, I am so.

[B]

This is why I hate myself.

[A]

The road is dry. I can't.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Open up culturally. That.

[B]

Open your butthole in your mind.

[A]

It's really beautiful.

[B]

And it's love. Like, it literally is love. It's, like, romantic. I'll take your word for it. Every straight girl is, like, obsessed with this show. Really? I promise you. I'm shocked you've avoided it, but, I mean, maybe not that shocked because you literally have a son and you're like, Doing. You're like a mother and a wife, and you have stuff to do like that. So it would be a little crazy if you're like, sorry, boys, I need.

[A]

To go watch heated rivalry really quick.

[B]

Mama's gonna watch her gape on. It's for the whole family.

[A]

That would get in my husband's head so hard.

[B]

They're so hot, too.

[A]

You would literally be like Jax Taylor in it.

[B]

I wish. No, these guys are so hot, it's, like, crazy. Like, you will literally be mad at your husband for not going to the gym because of how, like, ripped they're like, one of the guys looks like a Greek God.

[A]

That's not my type, though.

[B]

What's your type?

[A]

Medium ugly. They gotta be medium ugly.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I like a little bit of a belly.

[B]

Really? Your husband has a belly? He does. Does he have a mustache?

[A]

He has, like, a beard. Oh, like a sha. Like a scruffy beard? It's not like a beard. It's like a. Yeah, like a.

[B]

Sure. What is it to you about medium ugly?

[A]

I have to be hotter.

[B]

You okay. That's important to you?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I don't know. Yes. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. If I dated a guy that was hotter than me and he was, like, constantly getting hit on, I have jealousy issues, okay. I'd be like, I have to step it up. But as long as they're medium ugly, I don't have to step it up.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then the bigger and fatter and larger they are, the skinnier and smaller and cuter I look.

[B]

It is nice being next to, like, a big guy, and then you're like, I'm tiny. The other day, my boyfriend was like, you're so tiny. And I was like, thank you. Yeah. I was like, stop. You mean it. Say it again. Yeah, no, it was nice of him to say that. Yeah, that's. It's a beautiful feeling to be small as a woman.

[A]

Especially when you're next to, like, a large trunk. Tree trunk.

[B]

Oh, my God. A tree trunk. Are you kidding me?

[A]

You know?

[B]

Love that shit. So my friend's boyfriend, we call him Tree Trunk Medium Ugly for a different reason. Like, you know, like in the group chat where you're like. You have a nickname for. Literally, it's Tree Trunk for him.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And one time we were FaceTiming, me and my best friend, and he was in the room, and I didn't realize he was within earshot, and I literally go, so, how's Tree Trunk? And I just hear him go, come on.

[A]

He knows.

[B]

Yeah, he knows. He's Tree Trunk. I mean, you know, if you're Tree Trunk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't not know you're Tree Trunk.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just. When I text my friends about my husband, I just say mark.

[B]

Really? You never had a nickname?

[A]

Not really. Not that I can think of.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But maybe I need to come up with one. That sounds fun.

[B]

Yeah. Restaurateur.

[A]

Busboy.

[B]

Busboy. Bus Boy. He's busboy in the group chat.

[A]

But then he would know.

[B]

Well, yeah, but that's okay.

[A]

That's not the point. The point is that they.

[B]

Not the point is that he's. You have a nickname?

[A]

Got a nickname?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's your man.

[A]

I call him Big Daddy.

[B]

Hot. Sexy.

[A]

Look, you're the one watching heated rivalry. Okay?

[B]

And so is everybody.

[A]

You should be into guys being called Big Daddy.

[B]

Big Daddy. No, I'm into guys getting fucked in the ass. It's different.

[A]

Wild times. Yeah.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Would you ever be on a reality TV show?

[B]

No. Unless it's Love Island. You know, actually, my dream is to be on Love island uk. But it. But, like, in, like, a few years ago, like, five years ago, when it was, like, in their, like, prime. Oh, my God. Like, 2019. Love Island, UK, please.

[A]

Hot.

[B]

Have you seen that shit?

[A]

I haven't, but I was watching the Love is Blind.

[B]

Oh, would you do that?

[A]

I wouldn't do it.

[B]

Yeah. You'd have to be a crazy person to do it. I would judge you so hard, actually, if you were like, I'm gonna go on that.

[A]

People who go on that show and they don't see the person across from it. And the whole concept is that you fall in love with the actual person. What if they're like.

[B]

No.

[A]

Full of shit?

[B]

No. Yeah. You can't. You can't fall in love with someone in a vacuum.

[A]

I gotta look in your eyes.

[B]

I need to watch you interact with all of my friends. I need to smile, smell you.

[A]

Yeah. And, like, there's so much dead ass.

[B]

I need you to see me do my set, meet my parents. Like, that's what I need. Otherwise, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah. Do you think English accents are hot?

[B]

Sure. I hooked up with a guy who was in London for a while. We were talking. He slid into my dms and then I, like, flew out to be with him. He was so hot and he was so weird.

[A]

Why was he weird?

[B]

He was just, like. He was just, like, such a boy, but in, like, the soft boy way. So, like, he was like. We were like, FaceTiming, like, every day for, like, three hours. Way too much, like, insane. For, like, six weeks. And then I, like. He was in New York. That's how we met. He took me on a date. We had a magical week together. Then I, like. He was a chef. Oh, my God. It was insane.

[A]

Yum.

[B]

I know. So I, like, fly out.

[A]

Was this guy nice?

[B]

No, he was, like, nice enough, but there's a difference between, like, nice and, like, likes you nice.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do you know what I mean?

[A]

So what's nice enough?

[B]

Like, he would. He was like. Yeah, he, like, made me pasta, like, after. But, like, it was, like, nice pasta. It was, like, fancy. Like, he's, like, an Italian chef.

[A]

Yeah, but that's, like, the minimum from a chef.

[B]

Right? And. But it was like, after my set, and we, like, he, like, took me on London. We, like, had, like, a nice week together, and I was, like, doing shows. But, like, I could tell he just fundamentally didn't understand what I was doing because I feel like stand up is such a specific lifestyle, and I feel like boys have to be, like, really on board with that. Like, I came back from a set one night, like, when I was staying with him for that week, and he. And I was all, like, riled up. Because, like, after you do set. Have you ever done stand up?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. Do you do stand up? Like, is that your.

[A]

I haven't done stand up since I had a kid, but before that, I did it for, like, 10 years.

[B]

Oh. Oh, okay, great. Yeah. There you go. But, yeah, so you know how, like, when you get done with a good set and you're, like, kind of, like, jazzed, and you're, like, on the high? So I, like, came back from a set to his apartment, and I was like, let's go. I was, like, all jazzed up, and he was like, whoa. And I was like, he's like, this is weird energy.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, oh, man.

[B]

And I was like, oh, you hate me. Isn't that weird?

[A]

I think that is weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think when people do stand up, it's such a. It's such a talent. It's so hard to do. Getting up there and, like, being vulnerable and writing and all this stuff. I think there's so much about someone who does stand up that's so interesting.

[B]

Right. And a lot of people think that, but, like, a lot of guys feel really threatened by it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've come up against that a fair amount.

[A]

Where did he live in London? Can I ask?

[B]

He was, like, in East London. Okay. Yeah.

[A]

I dated a guy that lived In London.

[B]

The same guy? No.

[A]

Could you imagine? No. He was an actor. That's the only. He. He was. And he was, like.

[B]

Really obsessed with himself, I think. Yeah, I kind of felt that for my guy, too.

[A]

And I was just. And it was such a bummer because I really liked him, but he was just like. I think he liked the sound of his own voice. He had that English accent. And so I think he liked to hear himself talk.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And so sometimes I would just be like, can we. Can.

[B]

You're like, hey, can you shut the fuck up?

[A]

Can I say something? Can I interject and tell you my. But then. And he was opposed to everything that I said. Like, he would. He just didn't like my thoughts and theories and opinions. And I was just like, this really isn't gonna work.

[B]

What a weird thing. Yeah, but that's the thing that's, like, being. Okay, so I have a current theory, which is that everyone is jealous of hot women. Like, everyone thinks that, like, the easiest life is, like, a hot girl. And, like, women think that. Men think that. I think, like, straight men in general are, like, so, like, oh, well, she only got that because she's a hot girl. Like, they're like. They want to be you, but, like, the secret of being a hot girl is that they have seen sides of humanity that no one ever needs to see. Like, those are the people, like, the hottest women have been absolutely raked over the coals because everybody, like, wants something from them. Everyone wants to use them. Like, guys will pretend to like them to fuck them because they're, like, so upset, like, oh, my God, you're so hot. And they'll just, like, lie and cheat and, like, crazy shit. Like, my friends, like, the hottest people I know, like, my hottest female friends have been just literally abused. Yeah. And they, like, have a really acute understanding of, like, human behavior as a result. It's, like, crazy.

[A]

I have found that men who hate hot girls who just talk shit about them all day long, haven't dated any.

[B]

Mm, that's true, too.

[A]

And it's like, what if you. If a guy that just, like, absolutely despised himself got a date with one, all of a sudden, that tune would change.

[B]

You think?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

But I think that the guy. The type of guy that does that, doesn't see women as people.

[A]

They're just, like, objects.

[B]

Yeah. So, like, if you're able to talk about women that way and, like, just. Just totally remove, like, literally humanity from them, like, chances are, like, you're not actually gonna be like, oh, that's a human being. Like, maybe they have like a Madonna whore thing at best. But.

[A]

I. I feel like people who are really hot, like, especially supermodels and stuff, I'm so glad that they're in their own lane doing their own fucking thing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because they at least can avoid some.

[B]

Of that drama if they're like, in just around in their own bubble. I think you just.

[A]

They have to have, like a high self confidence. Right. Like, they have to know they're beautiful.

[B]

I feel like they have the lowest self esteem of anyone.

[A]

You think?

[B]

I think so. Like, they're obsessed with, like, making themselves perfect and like, their beauty is their identity. So, like, they have to maintain that.

[A]

I think some of that is just depression, really. I think it's depressing to have to feel like you have to hit a standard every day. That would be so depressing.

[B]

It's hard. Like, that's why I like having a personality. Because I'm like, I don't like, if I look ugly today, then at least some of the pressure's off. Right? Yeah. As a woman, do you get that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I get dressed up for this show at all. Other times I don't wash my hair. I didn't wash my hair for like a week.

[B]

And then. Oh, that's gross.

[A]

It's disgusting. I have zero time. I'm missing color on my nails.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

Because I haven't had time to go to the nail salon.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

So my life at home is like, I am so mom life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm in a robe. My hair's up.

[B]

Beautiful though.

[A]

I have these things called postpartum bangs.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Where all the hair around, like, my head is just absolutely breaking off.

[B]

Perfect. So fun, gorgeous, lovely, obsessed. It's so hot.

[A]

And then today when I was coming, I straightened them.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I'm like, trying to straighten my tiny little bang.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm like, oh, there we go. It goes with all the rest of my hair that hasn't been totally fucked yet.

[B]

So. It's so cool. Being a mom is awesome. Yeah.

[A]

But it's not hot. It's not hot girl. Not hot girl. Tuesdays.

[B]

Do you feel, like, released from, like, the male gaze a little bit though, being a mom? No.

[A]

I would say I have more pressure on me now that I am a mom than I ever did before.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Because now I'm like, I want to be a hot mom. I want that. Like, I want to be like, have my kid in my stroller. I want to, like, look nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I Want people to be. I want people. I want to be like her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to be that mom.

[B]

No. One time my mom, like, not that long ago, my mom is, like, in her 60s. She literally, like, put on an outfit and she was like, does this make it look heavy? And I literally was just like, does it ever end? Does it ever end? Like, you never. Like, being a woman is prison. Like, we are never free from the moment of, like, oh, my God, am I not fuckable? It's like, what, you've been married for 30 plus years and you're in your, like, in your mid six. Like, what are you talking about? Feel that it's. It never ends.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because, like, our value is our. How we look as women, no matter what.

[A]

A lot of it has to do, too, with me just wanting to know I can still turn ahead. Just one. I don't need the whole street.

[B]

Well, because. Yeah. Because that's like, how we're expected to show up in the world. That's like. That is our value as women.

[A]

It's nice.

[B]

I like it. Yeah, it's nice because it feels like, oh, I'm succeeding. I'm playing the game, right? Yeah.

[A]

Like, do you ever feel different when you put on, like, a full face of makeup and go out as opposed to no makeup at all? Totally.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

It's like, character building.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I think it's like, well, yeah, I think that is one of the joys of being a woman is that, like, we do have that power. Like, a guy. Like, boys don't get.

[A]

Can never.

[B]

Yeah. Boys just are what they are. Girls, we can do stuff to ourselves. We can, like, put on makeup.

[A]

Like, I can cover pimples.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Like, I woke up this morning, I was like, I'm ugly. And then I put on makeup. I was like, okay. I think it's fine.

[A]

A guy has.

[B]

Guys don't have that.

[A]

None of that.

[B]

They don't get to do that. They don't get to wear outfits.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at that.

[A]

You.

[B]

You put thought into your outfit.

[A]

I did.

[B]

I did. I did, too. It's beautiful. It's an amazing feeling. Yeah. Having an outfit on. But boys are kind of. They're kind of. They're taking that for their own a little bit more these days.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, they are kind of wearing outfits now, and it's allowed.

[A]

My husband wears the same outfit in different colors, different color schemes.

[B]

So if you did that, you would get burned at the stake. If you did that. If you were like, I wear the same outfit every day. People Be like, what the is this witch doing? What is she up to? I don't trust her. You would not. They'd be like, ew, she's disgusting.

[A]

She only owns. She only has one thought for an outfit.

[B]

Yeah, she has what, a T shirt and jeans? Disgusting. Kill yourself. You wouldn't be able to do that. You wouldn't have this job and do that. You wear the same outfit on every podcast. People be like, what the fuck is her problem? Does she not do laundry?

[A]

I sort of want to test this theory.

[B]

Try it. Let's see.

[A]

I might.

[B]

Let's see if the people comment.

[A]

So my last question. What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?

[B]

Ooh. Oh, my God. That's such a good question. I mean, I always think that, like, the biggest romantic things are, like, the little things in life. Like, you know, like getting me a glass of water. I'm like, you dog. Thank you so much. But I think, okay, so there is one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There's something that comes to mind, which is. Okay, so when I was in college, there was a different London guy because I studied abroad in London also. So I like. And I spent a lot of time in London, whatever. But there was this guy who lived in London. He was so fucking hot. He had, like, washboard abs. Like, he is perfect. Like, just the hottest guy. I didn't know a thing about him, but I was like, I love him. It was like, you know when you're, like, 19, and you're like, well, we're in love. Like, it was just totally, like, we didn't know each other. We, like, hooked up a couple times when I was in London right at the end of my semester. And then I left. And then I, like, studied abroad in Nepal for four months. Like, whatever. Like, six months go by. I go back to London to visit some friends. He's in this, like, Romeo and Juliet immersive, like, play. Cause I studied acting, so he was an actor, and it was like. And so it was like this whole world built. That was, like, Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet. And I. This is the. And me and my friend went to this. His show because she was also friends with him. And we, like. And he's there, and I haven't seen him. And he's, like, in character. He's acting, but he kind of is, like, sneaking me little, like, looks and stuff. And he's, like, coming up to us, kind of, like, being like. But he has to, like, be in character because it's, like this immersive like, thing. And then in. Then they start later in the. It's like a whole day. And then, like, they play Romeo and Juliet. And then everyone watches the movie. And he figures out where I'm sitting in, like, a thousand people. I don't know how he found me. I was, like, trying to be towards the front, but whatever. He figures out where I'm sitting. And then. And we hadn't seen each other. And then the part where they do, like, where Romeo and Juliet meet for the first time in that movie, they, like, are dancing together. And so then all the actors start, like, dancing, like, shadow casting in front of the thing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He finds me in the crowd, grabs my hand, goes, can I. Will you dance with me? Pulls me up onto the stage, and we danced in front of Romeo and Juliet, meeting for the first time.

[A]

I love that. That's straight out of a rom com.

[B]

Straight out of a rom com. And I was just, like, so baffled by it. And then we, like, do the dance, and I was like, how are you? And he was like, I'm good. How are you? Like, let's see. We'll see each other later. I was like, okay. And then I, like, sit back down, and these two women in front of me, they were like, is that your boyfriend? I was like, actually, no. Like, we. I haven't seen him in, like, six months. And they were like, oh, my God. It's like Romeo and Juliet for real. And I was like, oh, my God. Yeah, but he was weird.

[A]

You can't leave a cliffhanger on a podcast.

[B]

Like, you know, this isn't like, episode two comes next. He was weird. I don't really know. I don't remember exactly what happened between us because it was so long ago, but he, like, he just was, like, very cagey about his life. Like, he was just kind of a fuckboy. Like, this is the theme is like, yeah. Like, they give. They do all these amazing, nice things for you, and then they just go, okay, well, that was that. And you're like.

[A]

Brits.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But that's also my bad because I was fully date, like, trying to date someone who lived across the Atlantic.

[A]

The world.

[B]

Yeah. So, like, what was I thinking? But. But it was college, so.

[A]

And it was fun.

[B]

Yeah. And it was fun. And then he ghosted me at some point, and then he apologized during COVID Under yours. Nice. And, like, texted me, and then we started texting a little bit. Oh, I remember what happened with him. He was a conspiracy theorist. Oh, my God. It was crazy. He, like, sent me the do you remember during COVID when it was like, there was a camp of people that was like, fauci did the pandemic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He sent me a video that was like, fauci did the pandemic. And I go, hey, this isn't like a real thing. Like, you know, this is like a conspiratorial. Like, this is like, so clearly like a doctored video. Like, you can't. And he goes, we don't have to talk anymore. And I was like, it just ended it right there. And I was like, we don't. Good talk, bro. It was crazy. It was crazy.

[A]

I wonder what he's doing now.

[B]

I know he was also. I think I was the first Jew he ever met. And he was, like, really Christian, but in the way where he was like, Jews, the chosen people. Like, he was, like, excited. There's, like, a camp of Christians or. I don't know if they're. I don't know anything about Christianity, but, like, they'll be like. They'll be like, oh, the Jews are like the chosen ones. And, like, they're the original us. And, like, they'll, like, kind of. He had that going.

[A]

Sounds like an extreme mist.

[B]

I should text him.

[A]

Yeah, you're right.

[B]

You're right. Ugh. He was so good looking.

[A]

Could have been the one.

[B]

That was my man.

[A]

You're the chosen one.

[B]

Yeah. He wishes. He wishes he could get up in this.

[A]

Thank you for coming on my show.

[B]

Thank you for having me. I loved chatting and learning about you. And you should go watch gay porn, if anything. If there's any takeaway today, it's that you kind of have to watch gay porn with your husband.

[A]

Maybe it's interesting how much you love it. It's not, though.

[B]

You have to watch it.

[A]

I'm gonna analyze how much you love this. And the whole time. The rest of the time that we've been talking since then, they have left the photos up for me. They should be playing. They should be playing some of the scenes. Absolutely not playing the scenes. No.

[B]

Play some of the scenes.

[A]

Do not play some of the scenes. Where can people find you? Do not. Do not stop. No, I'm just gonna.

[B]

You're not gonna show, like, the fucking parts, though.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is a trailer. I have a Covid.

[B]

This is more hockey than is in the first episode, by the way. This is. This is multiple episodes. Because this much hockey does not happen in the show. Oh, God, it's so good. Look at how hot.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Oh, it's based on a book. How do you just scratch? Okay, sorry. Where do we find me? Yvette Segan on Instagram, yevit on TikTok y e v I T and Friend Crush podcast. We have a new Friend Crush every Wednesday. So get. Get after it, folks, and come see me on tour. I'm doing Stand Up Everywhere. Love it.

[A]

Thank you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time, okay?

[B]

First Date?

[A]

Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First Date, I can't wait. You told your mom about me?

[B]

Just say you're ready.

[A]

Delete my number. First Date, your parents are your roommate. First date.