Des Bishop's Pandemic Love Story | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Des Bishop’s Pandemic Love Story"

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton
Host: Lauren Compton (with producer Tanner)
Guest: Des Bishop
Release Date: February 3, 2026
Episode Theme: Exploring unconventional love stories, the challenges of dating and relationships, pandemic romance, cultural quirks, and the realities of comedy life.

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into comedian Des Bishop’s unique pandemic love story, his transition from single life to marriage during COVID-19, and the cultural nuances he’s experienced living in Ireland, China, and the US. The conversation balances humor with personal insights about relationships, parenting, career, and the insecurity of social media fame.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meeting and Marrying During the Pandemic

• Des’ Marital Status: Reveals he’s been married for 3½ years (02:00).

• How They Met: Des slid into his now-wife’s DMs during the early pandemic, after noticing from Instagram that she was isolating nearby (03:00–06:03).

• First Date Details:

  • Met for coffee in Sag Harbor (out in the Hamptons).
  • Instant connection, but COVID work restrictions made physical affection (like kissing) tricky (06:14–07:22).
  • Kissed on the second date.

• Lockdown Cohabitation Theory:

  • “The pandemic was the ultimate time to meet and move in together. Because you’re together all the time during the honeymoon phase.” (Des, 03:10)
  • Argues pandemic was harder for long-term couples, but great for new romances due to forced intimacy (03:05–03:54).

• Speedy Engagement:

  • Got engaged after just 6 months: “I proposed on Valentine’s Day. It was a wakeup proposal.” (Des, 10:27)
  • Planned a quick, small wedding due to COVID, but complications led to a delay and a “medium-sized” ceremony (11:00–11:41).

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2. On Having Kids & Parenthood Fears

• Current Status:

  • Des and his wife want kids, but “life keeps happening where we haven’t done it.” (11:45)
  • Des makes light of his torn ACL’s impact on trying to conceive (12:16).

• Lauren Shares Pregnancy Story:

  • Describes not expecting to get pregnant, finding out due to her husband noticing physical changes—“You're pregnant. My boobs were bigger.” (Lauren, 16:13)
  • Talks about identity shift and the fear of how motherhood changes everything (17:28–18:22).

• Reality of New Parenthood:

  • “There’s a moment after you have a baby where the woman just does more than the guy ... and even when my husband would, like, even be on his phone and I’m doing, like, 14 things ... I'm like, what are you doing? Help me out a little bit.” (Lauren, 19:02)
  • Des jokes about future roles balancing out and contrasts with his worries about being older as a parent (19:40–21:44).

• Parental Judgment:

  • Discussion of online mommy shaming, ever-changing parenting standards, and the tension between sharing and privacy on social media (48:13–50:10).
  • “You are the end of a successful experiment. What you're doing is the beginning of an unknown outcome.” (Des, 50:10)

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3. The Social Media & Comedy Hustle

• Impact of Posting Family Life:

  • Lauren notes losing followers with every kid-related post: “Every time I’ve posted him, I haven’t put an emoji on his face.” (46:45)
  • “I get about a thousand unfollows every time.” (Lauren, 46:54)
  • Des: “You know what that means. You have a lot of followers of men that just wanted to fuck you ...” (47:09)

• Career Transitions:

  • Des teases his new YouTube special “Bridge and Tunnel,” describing it as themed on his working-class NY upbringing (52:24–54:08).
  • He discusses the origins of his show titles (Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, and a funny piece of Irish gossip) (54:08–55:36).

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4. Cultural Comedy: Ireland, China, and Beyond

• Living Around the World:

  • Des spent two decades in Ireland, has a house in Dublin, and spent two years in China making a documentary and performing stand-up in Mandarin (30:28–37:33).

• Ireland's Unique Charms:

  • “The people ... they’re so fun, they’re so nice, genuine, welcoming. It’s the people.” (Des, 31:42–32:17)
  • Explains ‘the craic’ (Irish for fun/banter) as an essential cultural trait (34:17–35:19).
  • Dispels myths about Irish food and discusses Irish humor around alcohol and the pub culture (32:19–33:54).

• Comic Reflections on Dating Abroad:

  • Language mishaps in relationships; shares a memorable story about a Chinese girlfriend saying “shufu” (comfortable) during sex, which in English feels awkward but in Mandarin is a sign of pleasure (38:59–40:36).
  • “I’m the IKEA of cunnilingus.” (Des, 40:13)

• Views on Jealousy:

  • “I’m very against this concept of ‘oh, it’s good that you get jealous, it shows you care.’ I don’t really think jealousy equates with caring. … I just don’t need to know.” (Des, 29:10–29:51)

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5. Childhood, Siblings, and Family Dynamics

• Sibling Relationships:

  • Des has two younger brothers; strong ties despite “all the things that could really fuck up your sibling relationship” (22:34).
  • Lauren’s perspective as an only child and her choice to have two kids to avoid the “loneliness” of only-child life (23:03–23:12).

• Teenage Trouble:

  • Des opens up about struggles with substance abuse as a teen:
    “I started drinking at 12 ... smoking weed at 14 ... acid and ecstasy at 16 ... stopped everything at 19. That seven years was quite stressful for my parents, I'm sure.” (Des, 25:21–26:09)
  • Reflection on how witnessing friends' struggles as parents makes late-in-life parenthood daunting (21:44–22:08).

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6. Dating History & Relationship Philosophy

• Serious Relationships:

  • Had a nine-year on-and-off relationship in Ireland, plus a relationship with a Chinese woman during his time living there (36:27–37:33).

• On Parental Anxieties:

  • “My friend told me that kids are like farts. You don’t mind the smell your own one, but other ones are, like, really annoying.” (Des, 21:49)

• On Not Knowing:

  • “What I do know is that we don’t know ... and that’s a lot to know, you know?”
    (Des, 50:49–51:02)

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7. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On the pandemic honeymoon:

  • “All we have is time. … By the time the pandemic finished and we were probably just about to start to hear each other breathing, we got, you know, life opened up and we got busy.” – Des, 03:54

• On proposal style:

  • “It was a wake-up proposal. … I woke her up and got down on one knee.” – Des, 10:27

• On social media unfollows:

  • “Every time I've ever posted him, I haven't put an emoji on his face. … I get about a thousand unfollows every time.” – Lauren, 46:45–46:57

• Cultural translation in bed:

  • “I’m the IKEA of cunnilingus.” – Des, 40:13

• On parents’ opinions:

  • “You are the end of a successful experiment. … What you’re doing is the beginning of an unknown outcome. … You are the Elizabeth Holmes of parenting.” – Des, 50:10

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Notable Timestamps

• Des introduces pandemic love story: 02:00–03:54
• First date/COVID romance details: 06:00–07:22
• Proposal story: 10:27
• Parenting pressures & online shaming: 46:07–49:33
• Irish culture & ‘the craic’: 31:42–35:19
• Language barriers in international dating: 38:59–40:36
• Des’s troubled teenage years: 25:21–26:09
• Sibling dynamics: 22:27–24:22

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Tone and Style

The conversation is warm, honest, and irreverent—balancing candid admissions about relationship challenges and career anxieties with humor and cross-cultural insight. Both Lauren and Des offer self-deprecation and social commentary, making the episode relatable whether you’re single, married, a parent, or just someone who’s fumbled through dating in the social media age.

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Final Takeaways

• Pandemic romance can accelerate intimacy (with surprisingly good results).
• Parenthood, social media, and public life create unique pressures for comedians and content creators.
• Navigating change and uncertainty—in love, career, and family—is a universal struggle best handled with humor and humility.
• Cultural quirks, from Irish craic to Chinese expressions of pleasure, make for great comedy and teachable moments.
• Embracing what you don’t know might be the wisest move of all.

To hear more from Des Bishop, look for his upcoming special “Bridge and Tunnel” on YouTube, and follow him on Instagram @esbishop.

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For more real (and really funny) stories from the modern dating trenches, catch future episodes of First Date with Lauren Compton, wherever you get your podcasts.

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. What is up, you guys? Thank you for watching another episode of First Date. My guest today is a hilarious comedian that's touring all over North America. You can get tickets to go see [e-mail] give it up for Des Bishop.

[B]

All right, thanks for having me. I'm in a better mood just from hearing your intro song.

[A]

You like it?

[B]

It's very. It's very cheery.

[A]

Is that the first time you've ever heard it?

[B]

It's actually the first time I've heard the intro song. I've seen loads of your clips, but I've never actually heard the intro song.

[A]

That's a. It's a banger, right?

[B]

It's, you know. I don't know.

[A]

Just say yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I was feeling it on a deeper level than banger.

[A]

Oh, what were you feeling? It was moving. You?

[B]

Yeah, it was just a very uplifting. Are bangers uplifting?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, it's an uplifting banger.

[A]

I'll take it.

[B]

Yes, indeed.

[A]

So you just got to Austin. Is this your first time in Austin?

[B]

Second time in Austin.

[A]

Do you like it?

[B]

Yeah, I like it. I mean, the first time I was here is, like, three years ago.

[A]

What do you do when you come to Austin?

[B]

I just do shows, you know, so I've gotten. As I've gotten older, I've gotten a little less motivated to, like, properly do stuff. I mean, like, after my show, the last, you know, whatever. It was like, three years ago, I walked down the insane street, and there was, like, mayhem.

[A]

And Was that on 6th Street? I guess I feel like that's the insane street.

[B]

Yeah, it was, like, pedestrianized.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And the. The. The scooter. The electric scooter thing that I was on was terrifying. No. But unusable. You know, you can't use it on that street. Anyway, that. That was my experience of Austin. It's fun, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I was lazy. Like, I couldn't. If somebody said, like, oh, what did you do in Austin? I wouldn't really be able to say much other than that.

[A]

Are you dating anybody?

[B]

I'm married.

[A]

How long have you been married?

[B]

Which, you know, I had a panic attack today because I said, let me just double check, like, what I'm supposed to talk about today. And then it was like, Lauren talks. Goes on. Like, first, like, the description is kind of like, you know, oh, she's, like, having a date with somebody, and. And then I was like, oh, my God, did these people know that I'm married?

[A]

No.

[B]

And then I realized, then I looked it up. Actually, the first thing I did was like, I need to see all the married comics I know that have been on this.

[A]

Could you imagine how sad it would be if this whole podcast was set up for me to, like, find my one?

[B]

Well, I didn't think it was that. But then there's like a description on the email that I got. There's actually a description that was, like, misleading on the email. And I was like, have I been like, mis watching these clips that I've seen of this man? Because I've seen, like, quite a lot of my friends on this pod.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, oh, shit, are they all single? You know? Anyway, long story short, I'm married.

[A]

Okay. How long have you been married?

[B]

Three and a half years.

[A]

And how did you guys meet?

[B]

Well, I slid into her DMs. So.

[A]

Shocking.

[B]

The pandemic. We're a pandemic romance.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Usually I don't like the pandemic romances, but I love that this worked for you.

[B]

Okay, well, here's my theory about pandemic romances. Our theory, actually. Myself and my wife's, we feel that the pandemic was the ultimate time to meet and move in together. Because you're together all the time during the honeymoon phase.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where you don't irritate each other. Whereas I feel the pandemic was bad for long term relationships because you're not really meant to be together that much. Especially like, after you've really, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

After you've gotten used to, like, things.

[A]

That, like, you want space.

[B]

Well, yeah. But after a while you just find things that annoy you about each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you shouldn't sort of amplify that by four or five times in terms of the amount of time in a day that you're together. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we had the ultimate thing where we were, like, suddenly living together very quickly. She moved in within, like, four months of us. No, three months of us meeting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we're just like, in the honeymoon phase, all we have is time. We're just like, spending time together. And then by the time the pandemic finished and we were probably just about to start to, like, hear each other breathing, we got, you know, life opened up and we got busy. So it's been quite good, actually.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

So I'm surprised that you were negative on the pandemic romances.

[A]

I think I'm Just negative. Cause I had a negative experience.

[B]

Oh, right. You met somebody in the pandemic.

[A]

I met someone, like, a week or something before. Or, like, maybe it was, like, just starting to happen, and I met someone, and then everyone else was too scared to meet. So the only person that I had met, I, like, gave a chance because there was no one else, and I was, like, bored.

[B]

Yeah, this was a little different for me because I was, like, immediately like.

[A]

Well, you slid into her DMs. You were interested off the bat.

[B]

Yeah, well, I didn't actually know that she was following me. She's a comedian.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Right. And I had seen her, I think, on. On Nikki Glaser's story. That's kind of like where I think I saw her.

[A]

Were you like, she's hot? Or were you like, she's funny?

[B]

At first, I. I was the. It was the. Honestly, I just was like, oh, like, who's that? And I just followed her from, you know, like, a cute comic, you know, And I didn't think, like, oh, I'm gonna message her or anything. I just followed her. And then her stuff would pop up on my stories from time to time. And I really just saw she was, like, doing a couple of different things, and I didn't really know what they were. And I paid not that much attention other than she would pop up. And then in the pandemic, I saw that she was, like, isolated nearby me. And then I checked if she was following me, and I saw that she was, which surprised me.

[A]

Huh. She followed you back?

[B]

She followed me back immediately. But I didn't know that this was months later, like, six months later.

[A]

Probably not very observant.

[B]

I just. I'm not, like, checking my follows, you know, Like. No, because I didn't even follow her to be, like, the creepy comic that's, like, hopefully she follows me, but I just followed her. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And anyway, I just messaged her then, and I was like, oh, you're out east. Do you want to meet for coffee? She said, yeah. And I said, okay, I'll meet you in Sag harbor for a coffee in two days. And then that's how we met.

[A]

And then what?

[B]

Well, then we met, and I just knew straight away, without sounding too, like, cheesy, romantic. Yeah, I really did. Kind of like we had an immediate connection, that.

[A]

How long did you wait to kiss her?

[B]

Oh, well, actually, I would have kissed her on the first date. We were, like, by the water in Sag harbor, you know. Sag Harbor's like, out in the Hamptons. So we were by the water in Sag Harbor. But she had this unique situation where she had a job, like. Like a job. Like an industry job that was very strict on the COVID protocols. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So her concern was if.

[A]

Like, were y' all in masks?

[B]

No, but, like, she was just worried, like, if. If, you know, by some horrible circumstance she got Covid, like, she would lose this job. So she was very cautious about kissing. But there was a moment where we probably could have kissed on that first date.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But we didn't.

[A]

So when did you kiss?

[B]

Well, we got on so well that despite this COVID protocol, we ended up meeting again. So we did actually kiss on the. On the second date.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And that was that.

[A]

And then you guys moved in rather quickly because of COVID I mean, basically.

[B]

Yeah. After she had done that job. Actually, once she got out, you know, just move in now because, like, she was actually. I was living with her parents.

[A]

You were?

[B]

No, she was.

[A]

Oh, I thought you said you were. I was like, wait, hold on.

[B]

That would be a miracle because they're. They're dead, but. I'm just kidding. But, no, they are dead. But I. I'm not so flippant. I'm not so flippant about it, but. But anyway, no, she was with her parents, so, you know, she was more than happy to. Not that she was dying to get away from them, but.

[A]

How old is she?

[B]

She's 34.

[A]

And how old are you?

[B]

50. So slight age gap there.

[A]

But she's still in her 30s. Yeah, it's not like she's 17.

[B]

No, we're married, man. We're like 30. We're good.

[A]

Yeah, it's not.

[B]

It's not an issue. But no, she wasn't. Sorry. She wasn't living with her parents because she was so young. She was living with her parents because of the pandemic. It wasn't like. Sorry, I. Now I know why you asked me that. No, I didn't mean it like, she was like, she was still. No, no, she was out in. Her parents live out in shelter. Like. Anyway, it's all pandemic stuff. She had an apartment in the city, but she wasn't there. You know, it was like she would just be on her own. Yeah, you couldn't do anything. You know, the world was shut down. So I had a house out by the beach in West Hampton. So it was quite the upgrade. Well, not an upgrade, actually. It was a lateral move. Our parents place is quite Nice, too. But it was like, hey, we're getting on great. You know, we're not doing anything, so come and live by the beach with me. And that's what happened.

[A]

How long did you guys date until you got married?

[B]

Well, we got engaged in six months. Is there always such reactions from your. Does that noise come. I don't want to, like, I don't want to break the fourth wall here, but there's very large reactions coming from your. What's the word? Your control room.

[A]

My control room. You know how, like, a DJ has all of his little buttons that he can push? It's like, do, do, do, do, do.

[B]

Yeah, but that's like, your actual voice, right? Somebody I know. That's somebo.

[A]

My dashboard of sound effects.

[B]

Is that Tanner?

[A]

It is Tanner.

[B]

Tanner. Tanner's such a Tanner, too.

[A]

Tanner's really tannery.

[B]

Yeah. Tanner is like. It's just such an American name. Like. Cause, you know, I lived in Ireland for a long time. I was like, there's just no Tanners, you know, and he's so upbeat, too. I came in and he was like, I listened to you with Ari Shafir, and he's like, a really nice guy. And now he's like, oh, my God.

[A]

Extra loud in the back.

[B]

So. Yeah, what was I. What were we talking about?

[A]

You got engaged in six.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Engaged in six months. And then we were actually. You want to know the truth? We're going to get married fast. We're going to get married. So that was February. Valentine's Day, actually. I proposed. And then.

[A]

How'd you propose?

[B]

I woke her up with a proposal on Valentine's Day? It was a wake up proposal.

[A]

Oh, so she was waking up and you were down on one knee already?

[B]

I woke her up and got down on one knee. Yeah. Because it was Valentine's Day. It's a happy Valentine's Day. Let's get married.

[A]

You were just so excited.

[B]

Well, you know, listen, there's, like. There's any way to do it, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had decided, screw, we'll do it on Valentine's Day. So that's the way I did it. Yeah. Worked out fine. Then we had all day to, like, call people and stuff. That's like the. You know, that's the exciting thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, like, telling everybody and all that, like, makes it, like, kind of like a fun day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then we were going to get married really fast because. Not because we're cheap, but there was a certain, like, you know, Covid restrictions brought, like, quite a lot of benefit because you could keep it small without, like, causing any hassle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the way. The way we were gonna do it, it just immediately started to have complications. So we then actually backed off, and we're like, let's just slow it down just a touch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we basically got married, like, nine months later than our, like, original, like, very rushed date. Yeah. Situation. And we had, like, a moderately proper wedding. Like, you know, medium size, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was great.

[A]

Did. Do you guys want kids?

[B]

I mean. Yeah, but we keep, like, Life keeps happening where we haven't done it.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

You know, and so.

[A]

Well, you have to do it.

[B]

We have to do it. That's my joke. Because I tore my acl.

[A]

You know, I've torn my acl.

[B]

Have you? More common in women, actually.

[A]

I've torn it, like, three times.

[B]

What sport do you play that you're tearing your acl?

[A]

Gymnastics.

[B]

Right. Yeah. So women, unfortunately, more prone to ACL tears, which I only learned when I got into the world of fucking ACL hell.

[A]

How'd you do yours?

[B]

Skiing?

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Yeah. I had a bad fall, actually. But anyway, my recovery has been diabolical. So my joke is because my knee is so screwed up that I say to Hannah, if you have to put on a knee brace to make a child, that's a pretty good sign you're too old to have a child. But that's not actually why we're delaying. That's just, like, a dumb joke. But, no, honestly, I don't even like talking about it too much. Cause she has her own podcast world. So then every time I say something about us, then they're all like, oh, my God, you know, DEZ said this. But anyway, we haven't been able to sort of say, settle on exactly when that would be.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Oh, you weren't planning it?

[A]

Not really. Because we were like trying for six months and it wasn't happening. So I was like, oh, okay, I'm gonna have to do iv. Do all that crap. Yeah. So I was pretty sure that I couldn't get pregnant naturally. And then all of a sudden one day my husband was like, you're pregnant?

[B]

How did he know?

[A]

He said my boobs were bigger.

[B]

Oh. But like they often.

[A]

They're all so huge already.

[B]

And I'm and I've had numerous months like that where I'm like convinced that Hannah's boobs got bigger, and then, like, she just gets her period, and I'm.

[A]

Just like, I don't know how you think I'm pregnant by what that means. But anyway, he said that, and we were on vacation. We were in Morocco, and he said it to me every day. He's like, you are pregnant? And I'm like, no, I'm not. And it got in my head so bad.

[B]

Has he been previously married or anything?

[A]

No.

[B]

What kind of baby whisper is this?

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. But we got home, and I had one pregnancy test. Like, I just keep. It's like. You keep a tampon. Like, I just kept a pregnancy test around. And so I peed on a stick and I put it in the bathroom, and then I went to the living room to do some dishes and forgot about it. Yeah. Because I'm like, yeah, you weren't like, no. Pregnant. And he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, and as I'm scrubbing a dish, he's like, yo, you're pregnant. And I'm like, oh, my God. And then I just, like, turn off the water and I put the dishes down, and I, like, thought to myself, and I'm like, oh, my God. This is the first time I'm ever gonna be fat.

[B]

I know. And it's really, like an identity change.

[A]

I was like, what is happening? And all of it came crash down, and then.

[B]

And then you spend, like, you're in the entertainment world, right? You spend all your life like, I can't be.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fat.

[A]

Yeah. Or like. Or have a life change. You know, I'm like, oh, my gosh, everything's gonna change. And everything changed, lo and behold. And life is different. And so.

[B]

Yeah, that's the thing that Hannah, you know, I mean, I won't speak for her, but, you know, she. She's. She's busy. And, like, it does freak her out a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, that. That. That thing, it's.

[A]

It's.

[B]

And you know what?

[A]

It is a big life change.

[B]

Yeah. And women, like busy women that have kids, they don't turn around and they go, no, you'll be fine. They're always like, no.

[A]

Changes you. It changes you. It changes your house. It changes your relationship in some ways. Like, you have to be strong, and you have, like, ups and downs, and there's just no avoiding that. And some people are like, no, my relationship is so strong and so good that we're just gonna, like, breeze right through this. And that's great, but I promise, you're Gonna have some ups and downs. And for me, it was after, when I was pregnant. I'm pregnant again. I'm on number two.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Rope. It changes.

[B]

In for a penny, in for a pound, as we say.

[A]

But hey, you know what? That tells you something. It's not that bad. It's not that bad if I'm having sex.

[B]

No, you're doing it again.

[A]

Doing it again. But there's. There's a moment after you have a baby where the woman just does more than the guy for.

[B]

Yeah, there's nothing you can do.

[A]

There's nothing you can do about it. And so a woman always feels like she's just doing more. And even if. And when my husband would, like, even be on his phone and I'm doing, like, 14 things, and I would just see him, like, scroll Twitter, I'm like, what are you doing? Help me out a little bit. And he was just sitting there, just living his life like a normal person. And so that, for me, was the biggest moment. But anyway, this isn't a podcast.

[B]

No, I know, but I think, kids, I guess you have to console yourself with, Listen, I'm doing this now because we have no choice. I have to do this now. But in the future, I will remember and you will cover your end in the future.

[A]

But now it's better now he can play by himself and I can like.

[B]

Oh, so your husband's still not stepping up. Now my child looks like now the child looks after himself. And he's still scrolling Twitter as the world implodes. I was like, why are you always in a bad mood? You need to raise your child well. More bad shit's happening. I've been on Twitter again.

[A]

He'll even admit that he only changes one diaper a week.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. He can't do it. If. If my son poops his head, he has to have his head out the door. And he holds a bottle in the baby's mouth so he doesn't cry. And then I'm changing the diaper on the other side of the wall because he can't. Can't see any poop. He'll throw up.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. It's weird. He's such a. I don't know if he's a.

[B]

Or he's a genius, because he probably has absolutely no problem with poop at all.

[A]

He's just. Mind me.

[B]

Yeah, it's just, like, gotten you to believe that he won't do the diapers because he'll vomit.

[A]

And in real life, there's, like, no problem.

[B]

Yeah. But that's crazy.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Like, is this what would happen if society went into absolute chaos and we, like, had to fight for survival? Like, what's he gonna do? Then it's like, oh, sorry, I can't save you this poop.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Come on, man.

[A]

You're on your own.

[B]

I know. I'm already upset because my knee is so shit that in the apocalypse I'm gonna be useless.

[A]

You'll be okay.

[B]

Yeah, you think so?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Well, anyway, I think the problem with me is, by the way, I'm not. I'm not against having kids at all. And I was always into having kids. I just got to an age where I kind of thought I wasn't gonna have them, actually. I thought I wasn't gonna get married either. And. But the problem is that when you get to an age where all your friends have had kids and you've got. You've seen a lot of the process, it is, like, quite unappealing from the outset.

[A]

Yeah. It's like watching birth control. It's like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then I get it.

[B]

My friend told me that kids are like farts. Like, you don't mind the smell your own one, but, like, other ones are, like, really annoying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's fine, you know, but until it happens, obviously you keep thinking, like, well, we could not do it.

[A]

It's always different when it happens.

[B]

Yeah. When it happens, of course. And like, I'm totally. We're totally open to it. We're just, like, looking for the right time.

[A]

Yeah. Well, just start shooting shots and.

[B]

The shots are getting shot. It's just a case of when they're getting shot, you know, and where. Depending on the time of the month where, you know.

[A]

Are you an only child?

[B]

No, I have two younger brothers.

[A]

Do you like them?

[B]

Yeah, I get on great with my brothers.

[A]

See, that's great news.

[B]

Yeah. And we've gone through two parental debt, like, two parents sick, and we've gotten through all that together, you know, dealing with the inherit, like, dealing with all the things that could. That could really fuck up your sibling relationship.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we're. We're as strong as ever.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't know why that is. That's just the way it is. I mean, I've seen so many, like, people with difficult relationships with their siblings.

[A]

How much younger are they?

[B]

Well, it's two and two, you know, so. Yeah, we're close together.

[A]

I'm an only child. Oh, so.

[B]

So you're. Well, you. Did you go for a second because you're like, I don't want them to have this experience.

[A]

Partially. Yeah, partially. That's, that's part of it. Because when you get older and you're an only child, it is kind of lonely. You, your parents like have no one but you to talk to.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So it's like if I had a brother or a sister, I could split that time and my mom would have even more company. But it's just me. So I'm getting like five phone calls a day from my mom. She's like, what are you doing? I'm like the same thing I was doing 20 minutes ago. Nothing has changed.

[B]

But, but, but surely that the benefit of having your mother involved is quite totally.

[A]

But what if I had like another sibling also?

[B]

Yeah, but they would be having kids and they'd be taking your mom's time. So like then it gets like, oh, I can't because I'm looking after her or his kid, you know, and then you get into like competing with your siblings, with the children, you know. But you kid is better looking, faster, smarter.

[A]

Did you have that?

[B]

Well, I just, I think parents can get competitive, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you don't need to bring sibling rivalry into your parenting. So you've got a great situation. But I would think that I'm glad that you're not. I feel like being an only child in the modern age is even worse than it was years ago because there's so much less. Like everything has to be organized anyway.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if you don't have somebody at home, like there's really going to be a lot of alone time. Yeah, a lot. I feel like back in the day at least you could go out and like play with your friends.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like harder to achieve that now. So it's a good thing you're having another kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and we just hope for the winners. That's the one part about having kids that sucks. Yeah. Be duds. You know, like in that I was a disaster. You know, like I was like, had a problem with drugs and alcohol. Like, you know, went to Ireland to go to boarding school because I had like, you know, I was like, I was like a screw up really. And like even though I ended up fine, I would, I would hate to be put through the stress that I put my parents through. And so that like stresses me out.

[A]

When did you start doing drugs?

[B]

Well, I mean I really, I started drinking at 12. That was the issue really. And then, you know, smoking weed at 14. But then 16, I started getting into like acid and ecstasy. And I actually stopped doing everything from weed to acid. Whatever, man. It was New York, you know, New York and Ireland, you know, it was a fine mix. So anyway, needless to say, I stopped drinking or end doing drugs at 19. But that, that seven years was quite stressful for my parents, I'm sure. So I always worry and I always worry about, like, what the teenage years will be like. And my friend has a teenager now and he was calling me the other day talking about. And he's a single dad now because sadly his wife died and like, so now he's there with these like, teenagers and his. He caught his son with a load of. Load of stuff, you know, and his kid is not doing great in school. And he was just like, don't do it, bro. Don't have a kid. Like, you can. You'll be, you'll be 60 dealing with this. I was like, you're right, bro.

[A]

It'll keep your life Interesting.

[B]

Yeah. 65, dealing with what he's dealing with, man.

[A]

But you'll be able to see those. Dodge those bullets. You'll be able to read between the lines where most parents probably couldn't.

[B]

I don't know, man. I think kids, I think you get. You do get into some weird parental denial, you know.

[A]

I don't know, because I see it.

[B]

A lot with my friends and they're like, nah, he's not like that. And I'm like, of course he's fucking like that. Like, you mean, you mean he's not like us? That's what always makes me laugh when my friends like, nah, he's not like that. I mean. Well, you mean he's not like us. He's fucking 16. Like, we were, we were at it, bro. At 16, we were at it. Why do you think he's not like us? And by the way, our parents thought that we weren't like that either, you know? Yeah, because you don't want to, you don't want to admit it because you're.

[A]

Trying to like, be like, below the radar a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, no, but I mean, like with parents, like. And I think it's good, I think it's good if your parents are in denial a little bit. I think it's better, you know, the stress is too high to know all the things that your kid is up to.

[A]

Yeah. You know, like, what was your. When you were between 12 and you said 19, you stopped.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Did you date anyone in between then?

[B]

Well, my first serious girlfriend was like 13 into 14, so I got kicked out of high school in New York. Right. But that first year I was in a New York high school, I had a very serious girlfriend, and that was, like, quite. You know.

[A]

How did you have a serious girlfriend at 13?

[B]

13 into 14? She was 14. You know, like, I was born in November, so I was always like the run to the litter in terms of, like, the class that I was in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, we did. We were together for a year. We only broke up because I went to Ireland. Oh.

[A]

Did you ever write her or think about her or want to come back and see what she was up to?

[B]

Oh, no. We're actually still in touch on Facebook.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

She's married with two kids. She married the guy she went out with after me.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. And the funny story is, so when I first met my wife, she was. She asked me, like, who I lost my virginity to. So I told her about this girl, and at the end, she, like, she got, like, a little jealous, like. Cause I guess I was, like, talking about her, like.

[A]

And you were smiling.

[B]

Yeah, she got a little jealous, and I was like, what? And she's like, I don't know. I got a little. I was like, you can't get jealous because this whole story happened when you didn't exist. It was before you were alive. You cannot have jealousy pre your own existence. It's just not allowed.

[A]

Does she know that you follow her on Facebook?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she knows. She totally knows. It's fine. It's kind of like a. It's kind of like a bit of a joke, really. But. But yeah, it was just like a funny moment where she got, like a. Like a tinge of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But anyway, yeah, she's cool. I'm sure, like, she. If. If the person that I'm talking about sees this, she will know I'm talking about her. But we'll leave it. We'll leave the anonymity there.

[A]

Do you get jealous easily?

[B]

I actually don't. Because. Well, I guess because I just don't, like, try to put myself in a situation where I would get too jealous. Plus, my wife's a comedian, and, like, obviously our world is overpopulated with men, so if you were quite the jealous husband in the comedy world, I think you would be pretty miserable, actually.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And I also don't believe I'm very against this concept of, like, oh, it's good that you get jealous. It shows that you really care. Actually, I don't. I don't really think jealousy equates with, like, caring. No, I Think it just equates with, like, giving in to jealousy. Now, don't get me wrong.

[A]

Isn't it more like insecurity?

[B]

Well, yeah, I think that a lot. When it's, like, chronic, I feel it's, like, deep insecurity. Of course, there'll always be moments where you get a pang of jealousy, but I don't, like, allow it to take over my. My being. And I also don't go. I don't pry into her life, like, looking for things to be, like, jealous about. I trust her, and I don't, you know, like, it's not that I don't care, but, like, I just don't need to know, you know, you do your thing, and that's fine.

[A]

Yeah. When you were in Ireland, did you date anybody there?

[B]

Well, yeah. I mean, I lived in Ireland from 1990 to the pandemic. There was a few.

[A]

That's a long time.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I spent, like, two thirds of my life in Ireland. Much more of my life in Ireland.

[A]

I didn't know you were there for that long.

[B]

Yeah, I only moved back here because I. I met Hannah. You know, I hadn't. I. I left Ireland, so my family were always here. I went to Ireland on my own, you know, so when. So I would come back to New York a lot, and then I would often come back in the summers, particularly, like, in the later years, because I had that house I was telling you about. So when the pandemic hit, I was like, oh, I'd rather be there at that house than in Ireland for the lockdown. Thank God, because the Irish lockdown was, like, way more intense than here. So I hadn't. I wasn't coming back to move back, but it just so happened that suddenly I didn't get back to Ireland for, like, nearly two years after that.

[A]

Have you been back? When's the last time you went back?

[B]

I go back all the time. I was there just before Christmas. Like, I still have a house in Dublin.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had, like, a. Like, a proper career there, you know, for, like, a long time.

[A]

Well, that's cool.

[B]

Yeah. Doing standup and everything. So. Yeah. So anyway, I dated plenty, like, numerous people throughout the years.

[A]

Yeah. What's the best part about Ireland?

[B]

The best part about Ireland? The people. That's. I think that's unanimous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I mean, it's beautiful and, like, the culture is amazing, and there's a lot of other stuff, but the people is the number one. They're so. They're so fun. They're so nice, genuine, welcoming. It's the people. That's the. That's the thing I miss the most. You know, the weather is terrible, so that makes it easy to not be there all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the people you would miss. And, like, once you're with Irish people, you immediately are like, oh, yeah, this is. This is better.

[A]

What kind of food do they have in Ireland?

[B]

Well, these days, actually, the Irish food, like, the food in Ireland is great. In fact, people that I know, like Americans that have never been to Ireland, when they visit, one of the first things they always say to me is, the food was amazing. Like, because the reputation is that the food is shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, like, that's an. That's an antiquated stereotype.

[A]

When I think of food in Ireland, I think of, like, the Game of Thrones, where you get, like, the wooden bowl with, like, stew. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, that's medieval times. I mean, Game of Thrones is obviously not any time, but it's loosely based on sort of medieval feudalism. And so it's not that. You know, it's not that.

[A]

It's not like, just a chicken pot pie.

[B]

Well, no, actually, the chicken pot pie, I feel like it's more like British, the chicken pot pie. But, like, when people say, like, what's a traditional Irish dish? Like, stew is one of them, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And bacon and cabbage, like, ham and cabbage. But for some reason, it became corned beef and cabbage over here. So, like, traditional Irish food was pretty bland and kind of boring. But the thing is that Ireland was impoverished for a long time, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Occupied state, colonized by the British. And the bigger issue in Ireland wasn't, like, how to make the food tasty. It was, how the fuck are we going to find any food at all? So flavor and seasoning wasn't, like, high on the agenda. It was more just like, do we have any.

[A]

But the beer.

[B]

Well, the beer. The beer is there. And that. That, of course, is a stereotype, but it is. It is one of, you know, Ireland's great sort of export, you know, and trust me, I indulge in the stereotype. One of my opening jokes is always, like, I had a problem with alcohol, so my parents sent me to Ireland.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Of all countries. And, like, that gets a giggle in America. But, yeah, I'd like. The pub is a big part of Irish life. I mean, like, I would say most people visit Ireland, like, top three things they want to do is, like, go to a pub, have a pint of Guinness, and that. That's great. You know, like, the crack. You've heard people talk about the crack before?

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, the crack, C R A I C is like, the Irish term for fun. People say it's cuelga. People say it's the Irish language, but it's not really. But it is, like, a modernized, like, Irish word, crack, and it's kind of, like, means, like, the essence of, like, fun, but more than just, like, having a laugh. It's just like, I don't know, like, Irish people consider it, like, essential to who they are as human beings. Like, having the crack isn't just about, like, let's go have some fun. It's like, you better have that in you or you're a disgrace to the nation.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So it's almost like crack is more important than patriotism. Patriotism would be low down on the list.

[A]

There's a lot to learn before going to Ireland.

[B]

Well, this is. This is. This is not.

[A]

I need to change who I am.

[B]

No, you don't need the crack. You just need to feel the crack. No, you don't need. It's not. You're not Irish. I'm not talking about. When you go to visit, you'll feel the crack and you'll. You'll enjoy it.

[A]

I'll appreciate the crack.

[B]

You'll appreciate the crack. It'll. It's part of what people feel when they go there, and then when they leave, they're like, there's something about those Irish people that's special.

[A]

The crack.

[B]

It's part of it. And now, you know, the crack, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, but, you know, it's a. It's a. It's a tiny island that punches above its weight culturally, as, you know, a lot of Irish people winning awards and things like that. And, you know, it's. It's only like 6 million people on the entire island.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it feels bigger than that because we're. We spread everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're like a virus all over the world. You'll find us the Irish diaspora, even though they don't totally accept us back in Ireland, they don't accept the Irish Americans as fully Irish. But I don't mind. I ignore that. I do my job as a. One of the wild geese blown away. I spread the good news of Ireland on podcasts in Austin, Texas. You can stop me whenever you go. I could get into, like, a. Like a very sort of pro Irish. Pro Irish rant here.

[A]

Love Ireland. We love Ireland.

[B]

Ireland.

[A]

Have you been in a lot of long Term relationships.

[B]

I mean, I had one very long one in Ireland, like nine years on and off.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Yeah. So that would, that was, that was the biggie, other than my, My.

[A]

You're Irish. Current marriage, nine years with an Irish person.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you're saying I'm Irish with that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I mean, there's tons of, you.

[A]

Know, you're really in Ireland.

[B]

Oh, yeah. No. Yeah. And yeah. So that, that ended. What, what are you laughing at? Oh, is that a dirty joke that I didn't hear? Are you laughing? Did I not get.

[A]

Of course Tanner gets it.

[B]

Tanner got it. Tanner, man.

[A]

You can always count on him for my shitty jokes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had that and I had a few. I've had a few good ones. And I dated a Chinese woman.

[A]

You've really been around the nations.

[B]

Yeah. You lived in China for two years just to, just to throw a spanner in the works.

[A]

Why did you live in China for two years?

[B]

I went there to make a documentary about learning Mandarin to do Stand up in Mandarin.

[A]

Did you do Stand Up Mandarin?

[B]

Which I did do that. I did.

[A]

My goodness.

[B]

Yeah. And then I liked it so much and I was so into this like, early stand up comedy scene over there that I stayed for another year. And then in the second year, I met a Chinese girl and we dated for, you know, we dated for quite a while, but we were only in the country together for like eight months. Then I had to leave and she, she didn't want to emigrate.

[A]

Who was the better cook, the Irish girl or the Chinese girl?

[B]

I, I mean, the, There wasn't like a lot of cooking going on with the Irish in the Irish relationship.

[A]

So the Chinese girl and she.

[B]

I don't think she ever cooked for me, actually.

[A]

The Chinese girl?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Surprisingly, neither one of them cooked.

[B]

Yeah. No.

[A]

Okay. Who is better in bed?

[B]

Well, I, I, I would say that neither of them would be totally delighted with me discussing it in such discussion. It's like they're both kind of private people, actually. But the Chinese, like, whatever. They were both totally fine. They were both totally fine.

[A]

The world wants to know, Des.

[B]

Well, the funny story I have about the Chinese woman was so obviously when you learn a new language, like, everyone learns the dirty words.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So, like, everyone knows how to like, curse in like another language. Right. But you don't learn, like the language of love. When I say the language of love, it's like, what do people say in the bedroom? You know, so that when, when I was in a relationship with her, so Chinese girls, when. When they're having, like, when they're into it, like, they're liking it, they say shufu. Which.

[A]

Shufu.

[B]

Shufu, which directly translates as comfortable. So that's what it translates in English as. Right? So obviously, when they're saying shufu, they're not saying comfortable in the way that we think of comfortable.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But this is the issue with translation, right? So I'm there, like, doing my damnedest, you know, thinking that I'm killing it in the bedroom, right? And then when we get to a point where I think, like, all right, here we go, you know, let's take this bad boy to 10. Suddenly I get shoeful, and I was like, comfortable, like a fucking couch. I'm the IKEA of cunnilingus. But. But of course, that's the problem with translation is that, like, yeah, she's saying comfortable, but she's not saying comfortable. So the equivalent. The way I describe it to people, because it's an interesting thing about language and translation, is, like, some of us say, like, oh, God. Like, oh, God. Yeah. So, like, if you were a Chinese woman coming to fucking America, and suddenly you fall in love with an American dude, and he's, you know, having sex in English, and he's like, oh, God. Yeah. She'd be like, why are you bringing God into this? Like, because they won't realize that, like, this is nothing to do with God. So, you know, we're not really summoning God in this instance.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, so that's just. That's just the fun of language. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, but I. I'm not. I can't really say who was better. You know, they were. It was equally good in their own way. And there was quite a lot of time in between those two relationships.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And do you normally get quite, like, like, descriptive about sexual stuff on the pod?

[A]

No, not really.

[B]

No. I was just wondering, do I.

[A]

Not really.

[B]

Like, am I like, a prude?

[A]

No, I. I think it's. I like that you're highlighting both people the same. Like, you don't want to. Yeah, you know, but I get it. But also, this podcast is not that popular. I doubt they would ever see it.

[B]

Is it not that popular?

[A]

I don't know. I'm just trying to get you to tell me Some tea.

[B]

Oh, dirty. Well, you know, but I'm also married now. You know, you don't want too many clips floating around where you're talking about other women.

[A]

I get it. Hold on. I guess I'm just gonna turn to my menu Here.

[B]

Oh, right. Did you does that was that you ran out of steam on that?

[A]

That's a fun question.

[B]

Any other questions about Chinese women?

[A]

Do I have qu.

[B]

Tanner, do you have any questions about Chinese? I'm gonna get myself cancelled.

[A]

Tanner doesn't give a shit about Chinese women.

[B]

Tanner listened to my podcast with Ari where I was talking about China. He's all, he's all up. He's all in the know.

[A]

He's trying to get over there.

[B]

No, he's all in the know. I walked in, he was hitting me with like, he said Chinese. He knows the Chinese word for a stand up comedy.

[A]

Did you know that my son's birthday this year is on the Chinese New Year?

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which just for the record, in, in the. The more worker walker woke her parts of society. You can't say Chinese New Year. You have to say lunar New Year.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Because it's not just the Chinese.

[A]

Okay. Well, his birthday is on Lunar New Year. The Lunar New Year.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I don't know what that means.

[B]

Well, this year, actually somebody told me.

[A]

It'S the year of the horse. Yeah, I know that. What?

[B]

Ma.

[A]

Ma.

[B]

Yeah, that's very good. Third tone. Yeah. Ma. N. Yeah, that's the year of the horse.

[A]

Yeah, Year of the horse.

[B]

Oh, that's good. How old is your, what year was your son born?

[A]

He'll be one.

[B]

So what was last? So he was born last year?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What year was he born in? What was that?

[A]

25.

[B]

No, what was last year?

[A]

It was the snake.

[B]

The year of.

[A]

Oh, the year of the snake.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I don't know what they say about that. You know, they have all these things like if you're born in the year of the goat, like your kid's gonna be dumb. They're like, the Chinese are very brutal.

[A]

That is brutal.

[B]

Yeah. So I don't know what they say about.

[A]

Jeez, he really does take after me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, the snake. So I think the manian. I think they say that they going to be a hard worker.

[A]

Yeah. I don't, I don't know.

[B]

I, but I, I, I could be wrong.

[A]

I just found out the other day because I'm thinking, I'm like, what am I going to do for his birthday? It's a one year old. He's not going to know.

[B]

It doesn't matter. Yeah. Everything before they're for really doesn't matter.

[A]

Yeah. It's just going to go straight out the way.

[B]

Even though it is baffling when you're like, you're like playing With a three year old. Like Hannah's niece, for example. Yeah, my niece too. I always say Hannah's niece because it's her brother's kid, but it's my niece also. Like, she's, she's alert, she's having full conversations. And like, I was talking with her dad about it. Like, he can't believe that, like, this will not exist for her in her memory ever. It's wild.

[A]

It's just gonna be gone.

[B]

Yeah. Which I don't get. But that's, that's humanity.

[A]

Every day is like.

[B]

Yeah. So I really think parents should. I really think they should save their money. Like, what does it matter? Like, everyone wants to make all these efforts for your kids before they're gonna have memory, you know? Like, it really doesn't matter. I guess, obviously developmentally it matters, but like, the parties don't matter. The stuff that matters for developmental stuff. Yeah. Put in all the effort. But the parties are irrelevant.

[A]

I'm throwing a party for me.

[B]

All right, so you like having the party.

[A]

So I'm gonna throw me party.

[B]

So. But all your friends, all your friends have to come.

[A]

Yeah, but. But it will be a party for adults.

[B]

Oh, and. Oh, okay, that's good.

[A]

And then just the kids can be there.

[B]

Oh, the kids are there. You have a lot of friends with kids.

[A]

I. Yeah. When I got pregnant, oddly enough, like, six or seven of my girlfriends all got pregnant within one month of each other.

[B]

Wow. Well, that's kind of great, actually.

[A]

So.

[B]

But now you're gonna be mad competitive with your friends, who's the smartest? It's gonna be stressful.

[A]

No, it's, it's really. Honestly, it's good to see different milestones.

[B]

Cause, like, are your friends extroverted?

[A]

I'd say so.

[B]

If they, if you all had kids at the same time. And are they all like, like, relatively good looking?

[A]

Yeah, I.

[B]

Why don't you guys pitch, like, why don't you make, why don't you do like a doc?

[A]

Like a Desperate Housewives thing?

[B]

Yeah, but like, make it more authentic because you guys are actually, like, you guys are genuinely friends and you've all just happened to have kids at the same time.

[A]

Yeah, it is, it is really weird.

[B]

And also make it like, more fun, like less about the conflict and more just like what is hilarious about this stage that we're all going through.

[A]

Yeah, that'd be fun.

[B]

Yeah. Well, it's, it's, it's ready because it's real.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because that's the whole thing is like, everyone wants these Authentic shows. But then you're casting people, whereas you just happen to have this unique situation where you all had kids at the same time.

[A]

Yeah, it's wild.

[B]

Do it. Listen, if you can't monetize your children, what can you do in this world? You know, like, are you gonna post.

[A]

Post.

[B]

Are you gonna, like, post your kid and stuff?

[A]

I post him every now and then.

[B]

Somebody actually said this recently, and I had also said it publicly, so I hope the person who said this doesn't think that I got it from them. And I can't remember who it was. But the people that post their kid but then cover their face. I think I also saw somebody on Subway take saying this. Right. But I have been saying it like, either post your kid or don't post your kid.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

You don't need to, like, put the kid and then cover their face with like. There's no need to post your kid. Yeah, because it's like, oh, so you're covering your kid like you're a better person. No, just don't fucking post them.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Just don't share that part of your life.

[A]

Well, I can tell you that every time I've ever posted him, I haven't put an emoji on his face.

[B]

No. And, like, what do you think? Are you getting more. More likes when you post a kid?

[A]

No, I get about a thousand unfollows every time.

[B]

Really? Wow. So you know what that means. You have a lot of followers of men that just wanted to fuck you, and it's like. Yeah, they're like, killing the vibe. Feeling the vibe for them.

[A]

Another baby. Oh, God, yeah. No, my follower count.

[B]

Have you posted, like, the. The kind of, like, hand over the.

[A]

Belly, like, when I was pregnant?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But now you.

[A]

The minute I announced that I was pregnant, it was. It's been like, really?

[B]

Wow. Oh, that's why. Listen. Well, you know what that means. Your future is mommy blogging. Just accept it.

[A]

Accept who you are, audience.

[B]

Yeah, except who you are. The future is in. That's why you gotta pitch this show.

[A]

And then I got pregnant a second time and I posted that and I lost, like, 5,000 followers.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Like, I would have thought, like, baby pics. You know what it is for guys post a pic with a baby 10 that, like, immediate likes women are, you know.

[A]

Yeah, but like, like, oh, a dad. That's their first kid or not even a dad.

[B]

Just, like. Because I'm just, like, holding my friend's kiddo, holding my godchild, and people, wow, look at A man with a child. How cute. Whereas, like, you're losing. Oh, that's.

[A]

And then I pose and they're like, oh, fuck, it's over. All my chances out the window. I don't want her anymore.

[B]

Yeah. So you kind of get into the mommy blogging world. And then if you want to experience, like, because it's funny, people always, particularly female comics, complain about how horrible men are to women in the comments, which is a fact. I don't deny that. But become a mommy blogger and then fucking witness the other mom, other mommies trolling you. That's a fucking. That's a darkness of the next level. The judgment of the online moms. Whoo.

[A]

That's a tough world of all. I would say, like, anything that you post about your kid, whether whatever you're feeding them or what you're doing with them or what they're wearing. Is there polyester? Is there this? I mean, it's like the never ending shaming platform.

[B]

Amen. And the funny thing is that everybody posting with this utmost confidence about whatever you're supposed to be doing now doesn't realize that everything that. That somebody is doing wrong was the utmost confident thing you should have done 20 years ago. So in 15 years, whatever the they're doing now is going to be a problem too.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Shut the fuck up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

And all this gentle. There's gentle parenting now and it's all over.

[B]

Yeah. But now I read an article in the New York Times that there's a push against the gentle parenting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, you can't win, honestly. No, you can't win. So the best thing to do is to just parent discreetly and we'll see what happens.

[A]

You kind of do. That's why I don't post that much. Cause I would love to share more about what I'm doing and like my day in and day out, it's kind of hilarious. And I'm like, I would love to share some of this stuff.

[B]

Yeah. But I can't believe you let your kid play with that. That's like, so dangerous.

[A]

Oh, cool. You let your kid run with a knife. So funny.

[B]

No, the parenting judgment is fun crazy, man. But then also, in fairness, the new parents like to judge their parents. Like, the new parents like to always complain about the grandparents and that they're doing something that you're not supposed to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I always joke and say, hey, but here's the thing. They raised you to the point where you were successful enough to have a child in A very expensive modern day America, which really, honestly is a home run. So I wouldn't be too cocky because you are the end of a successful experiment. Right. Whereas what you're doing is the beginning of an unknown fucking outcome. Yeah. You are the Elizabeth Holmes of parenting. Like, not a fucking clue how it's going to end up. So save the cockiness for 20 years.

[A]

Honestly.

[B]

Honestly.

[A]

Honestly.

[B]

But by the way, I'm not saying they're right or wrong. I'm just saying, like, you don't know as much as you think you know. And by the way, I know I don't have kids. So I'm sitting here like, like with.

[A]

No knowledge but you know.

[B]

No, but what I do know is that we don't know.

[A]

And that's a lot to know, you know?

[B]

You know. So you do your best.

[A]

It's a lot to know to know that you don't know a lot and know as much as you know.

[B]

Well, that's what sucks about getting older, actually. It's the one thing I hate about. There's so many things I hate about getting older. But the worst thing is just knowing that I don't know as much and that my opinions is not as solid as they once were. It's so much. The Internet is built for people in their 20s who fucking think they know everything because they truly think they know. And a lot of people on the Internet just want you to confidently tell them what you know. But I can't do that anymore because I know I'm full of shit. I used to not know that I was full of shit. And it was way better for my career. Knowing that I'm full of shit is the worst thing that ever happened to me, honestly. Well.

[A]

It'S a whole lot of fun shit to not know.

[B]

I know. You know, Just like, honestly, gray. Gray area. Not just because I'm gray, but like, just knowing that you're platinum. Just knowing that the world is full of gray is a fucking curse, actually.

[A]

Platinum?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, that. You're saying I'm platinum?

[A]

You're platinum.

[B]

I mean, I'm gray. I embrace it.

[A]

Girls pay a lot of money to get their hair that white, right?

[B]

Yeah. Well, I. I've just embraced it, you know?

[A]

As you should. Well, our time has come to an end.

[B]

Has it come to an end?

[A]

It has.

[B]

Oh, is this the natural. Is this.

[A]

Usually what I would do is. I was at. I would ask you one more question. I would say, how did you propose? But I already asked you that.

[B]

Oh, right. Okay.

[A]

So where can people find You?

[B]

Oh, well, I'm at Instagram Esbishop with an S. And, well, I have a new special coming out on YouTube which is called Bridge and Tunnel, but I actually don't know when it's going to be out because it was supposed to be out already, and we had a couple of issues, but should be out very soon.

[A]

Why did you call it Bridge and Tunnel?

[B]

Well, originally I was gonna call it Mind Fill, because my last special had a very viral routine about mindfulness, but it was like a joke. So I was gonna kind of call it mindfill. In other words, like the stuff in my mind, but to tie it back to that. But then there are quite a few themes in my latest special about being a kind of like, working class New York guy, because I was never able to explore that side of myself when I was in Ireland.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And people judge, like, the working class New Yorkers, they call them bridge and tunnel because they have to get a bridge or a tunnel to get into the city. And I was watching the Billy Joel documentary, and Bruce Springsteen talked about how him and Billy Joel were bridge and tunnel guys. And just the fact that Bruce Springsteen was embracing bridge and tunnel. Cause I always hated when people, like, especially like transplants, like this Irish guy was in New York and he was like, oh, yeah, it's like a bit bridge and tunnel. And I was like, who the fuck are you to fucking say bridge and tunnel? You're a fucking Johnny come lately. You don't get to say bridge and tunnel, bro. You know, you're not fucking better than the people that fucking make the city spin. So when Bruce Springsteen said bridge and Tunnel, I was like, that is a fucking good, special name.

[A]

That is a good name.

[B]

And there's bridge and tunnel themes in it. But I was worried about calling it Bridge and Tunnel because I was worried that it would, like, people that weren't like, New Yorkers. They would be like, I don't want to hear, like, New York material. But you realize you have no idea what Bridge and Tunnel meant, right? Yeah. So then it just works as, like, a generic title.

[A]

Yeah. I would be more curious that I'm. I am more curious to know what it means. Yeah, then.

[B]

But like, and stand up titles are like. They're irrelevant, really.

[A]

But I love them. I'll scroll on Netflix just to see all the titles. I won't watch the specials, but I'll just scroll.

[B]

Yeah. What did I call my. Oh, my last one I called of all People, which was. Was built on a bit of a resentment because Hannah And I went to the MTV Music Awards, like, two years ago because Hannah was actually, like, doing something at it. And, you know, in Ireland, I'd be pretty well known, but, like, you know, they think just American fame is, like, you know, like, a next level, particularly to Irish people. So, anyway, there's pictures of Hannah and I at the MTV Music Awards, and the Irish, like, gossip sites were, like, writing about it. And one woman who I actually get on great with now because we're friends now because of this, her opening line was, des Bishop, of all people, was at the MTV Music Awards. And I was like, this is beautiful Irish passive aggression. I love it. And, Well, I didn't love it originally. I was like, the fucking cheek. You know, And. But then I was like, of all people, that's a great, great special name. So that's the first one was, of all people, this one's bridging tunnel, which is also built on a little bit of a resentment. So actually, there's always just, like, a tinge of, like, people, you know, like, who do you think you are, coming at me? Kind of things in my titles.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So there you go.

[A]

Well, the next time that you come to town, you'll have to come back on my show anytime. And we have to.

[B]

We've only brushed the surface.

[A]

I know. I have. Like, I have so many more questions, and I want to know about how you're spending special goes. And we shall see. Yeah.

[B]

Well, thank you very much. Nice to meet you.

[A]

Nice to meet you, too. Thank you guys so much for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First Date. I can't wait. You told your mom about me? Just say you're ready. Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommates. First date.