Ex Files w/ Jeff Dye | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: "First Date with Lauren Compton" – Episode: Ex Files w/ Jeff Dye

Overview In this engaging episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, host Lauren Compton sits down with comedian and viral content creator Jeff Dye. Together, they navigate the tumultuous landscape of modern dating, delving into Jeff's personal experiences, relationship philosophies, and the impact of his sobriety journey. The conversation is both humorous and insightful, offering listeners a candid look into the challenges and revelations that come with seeking meaningful connections in today's world.

Guest Introduction Lauren welcomes Jeff Dye to the show, highlighting his upcoming special, "Last Cowboy in LA," set to release on November 14th ([00:48] A). Jeff briefly promotes his event before the duo transitions into their first date interaction.

Dating Habits and Relationship Dynamics

Casual Dating Approach Jeff discusses his casual approach to dating, explaining that while he enjoys spending time with different women, he doesn't commit to exclusive relationships. He emphasizes that his busy schedule often leads to relationships fizzling out rather than ending due to incompatibility ([03:00] B). Jeff admits, "If you're not hearing from them all the time, it should be fun and exciting. Oh, he's texting me. Oh, she's texting me. They should be like that. But I don't ever, like, let it get to that" ([03:59] B).

Impact of Sobriety Jeff shares his journey to sobriety, celebrating over a year without alcohol ([05:39] B). He reflects on how sobriety has made him more irritable but also more accountable, stating, "You have to deal with the reality of things... it's maybe growing up mixed with sobriety" ([06:35] B). Lauren mentions her own sobriety journey of almost seven months, creating a mutual understanding of their challenges.

Handling Ex-Relationships The conversation shifts to Jeff's interactions with exes. He explains that while he generally doesn't stay in touch, there are occasional friendly exchanges, such as sending a thoughtful video to an ex ([09:18] B). However, Jeff acknowledges the complexities of maintaining friendships with exes, especially when new relationships emerge ([12:08] B).

Communication Preferences

FaceTime vs. Voice Memos A significant portion of their discussion revolves around communication preferences in relationships. Jeff expresses a preference for voice memos over FaceTime, citing anxiety and discomfort with spontaneous video calls ([40:00] B). Lauren shares her differing viewpoint, stating, "I love surprise FaceTimes" ([40:55] A). This contrast highlights the diverse ways individuals manage communication expectations in dating scenarios.

Expressions of Affection

Saying "I Love You" Jeff reveals his tendency to express love quickly, often saying "I love you" as soon as he feels it, even if it feels premature ([24:29] B). Lauren concurs, mentioning her own habit of quickly expressing love without regret, emphasizing authenticity over potential timing mismatches ([25:08] A). This mutual admission underscores their desire for genuine connections without the constraints of traditional dating timelines.

Personal Changes and Pregnancy Discussions

Lauren's Pregnancy Lauren discusses her pregnancy, humorously addressing physical changes and societal perceptions. Jeff jokes about managing interactions with someone who is pregnant, blending humor with genuine curiosity ([26:25] B). Lauren shares her commitment to maintaining her fitness regimen during pregnancy, highlighting the balance between physical health and impending motherhood ([27:34] A).

Emotional Responses and Vulnerability

Crying and Emotional Moments Both Lauren and Jeff candidly talk about their emotional responses, especially in vulnerable moments. Jeff recounts crying on an airplane after watching a touching video and reminiscing about the Pixar movie Soul ([37:58] B). Lauren shares her emotional experience with movies like Happy Feet and the lasting impact they've had on her, even leading to playful aversions like hating penguins ([39:04] A).

Humor and Light-Hearted Banter

Playful Teasing and Jokes Throughout the episode, Lauren and Jeff engage in playful teasing, discussing topics like Dolly Parton covers, Jeff's alleged "bad behavior" while drunk, and light-hearted jokes about pregnancy. This humor not only entertains but also adds depth to their conversation, making the dialogue relatable and enjoyable for listeners.

Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

Looking Ahead As the episode wraps up, Lauren and Jeff joke about the possibility of a third date, incorporating Lauren's upcoming motherhood into the narrative. They reflect on the evolution of their relationship dynamic and the humorous challenges that come with balancing personal changes and dating ([47:53] B).

Contact Information Jeff promotes his comedy tour and social media presence, encouraging listeners to connect with him through his website, jeffdye.com.

Notable Quotes

• Jeff Dye ([03:00] B): "If you're not hearing from them all the time, it should be fun and exciting. Oh, he's texting me. Oh, she's texting me. They should be like that. But I don't ever, like, let it get to that."

• Jeff Dye ([06:35] B): "You have to deal with the reality of things... it's maybe growing up mixed with sobriety."

• Jeff Dye ([24:29] B): "I fall quick. So for me, if I like the person, I'll say it the second I feel it."

• Lauren Compton ([25:08] A): "I'm quick to... I will never regret that. Like, if I feel like I said it maybe too soon, I'd be like, damn, I should have waited. But I was true for me, 100%."

• Jeff Dye ([40:00] B): "I do like a FaceTime, but there's all these girl rules about it. Oh, not right now."

Conclusion This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton offers a blend of humor, honesty, and heartfelt moments as Lauren and Jeff Dye explore the intricacies of dating, personal growth, and relationships. Jeff's openness about his experiences provides valuable insights into maintaining authenticity while navigating the complexities of modern romance. Whether you're single, dating, or simply interested in the dynamics of relationships, this episode delivers relatable content with a comedic twist.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

First date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date.

[A]

Hello and welcome back to another episode of First Date. My guest. Hold on. My guest today has a new special that is coming out or. Yeah. November 14th, right?

[B]

Yes, ma'am.

[A]

Coming out November 14th. It's called the Last Cowboy in LA. You can get [e-mail] welcome back on your second day.

[B]

Second date, baby. Shouldn't we have changed the music?

[A]

We should have, but we.

[B]

Second date, baby.

[A]

I knew you were gonna roast me and Mr. That's not roasting.

[B]

I think it's just being a little.

[A]

More accurate, you know, but you would have appreciated it.

[B]

What?

[A]

Updated theme?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I think that, you know, you girls are always talking about effort, you know, like, how about a little effort? Second date, baby. Oh, are you gonna be a jerk again in a weird jacket?

[A]

No, we return the jacket.

[B]

Yeah, we return the jacket. You could add little things like that instead of like, did you really order milk with dinner? You could say things like, oh, are you gonna just generalize all women again? Second date, baby. You know, just criticize all the things from the first date. Be great.

[A]

You come in hot. You know I do.

[B]

We've been talking all morning. What are you talking about?

[A]

So how have you been?

[B]

Good. How are you?

[A]

I'm good.

[B]

Yes. You're larger now.

[A]

I am.

[B]

In your stomach and breast areas.

[A]

That's one way to say it.

[B]

Yeah. Some people call it pregnancy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not me. I call them big in the stomach and breast areas.

[A]

A lot can happen between two dates.

[B]

I know. It's great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you excited? Yes, I'm excited for.

[A]

Could you imagine if I wasn't? I'd be like, no bomb.

[B]

Well, I think that that is a trend nowadays. People will shit on the. The thing, but like, being pregnant, though, they'll say, oh, it's terrible. I hate it.

[A]

No, I I mean, I have not hated the journey.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I like the non pregnancy journey of life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Better.

[B]

Good. Things are hard. Yeah. You know, that's why pregnancy is cool. You got to earn it. You got to go through the whole thing, you know?

[A]

Yeah. So on our last date.

[B]

Yes. I recall it.

[A]

I asked you if you date a lot and you said that you don't date ever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you dating anyone?

[B]

No.

[A]

So you still are sticking to your guns that you have? You don't date ever.

[B]

Oh, sticking to my guns. I didn't know I was like, here's the thing. Like, I, I, I will hang out with girls, but Yeah, I don't know, it's not like a.

[A]

What do you do when you hang out with a girl?

[B]

Well, I'm usually so busy, I busy myself. That's my flaw. Like how busy? My calendar, whatever. And then I'll only have like a little bit of time to like hang out.

[A]

Is there one girl that you like to hang out with more than the others?

[B]

No.

[A]

You like to hang out with all the girls?

[B]

Well, I mean, there's always like a girl and then like kind of that will whatever. And then there's like a different girl and then that'll be whatever. And then there's like a different. This is kind of like chapters. I'm not hanging out with like 30 girls at once.

[A]

It's one girl at a time.

[B]

Yeah. So it's like a kind of an unofficial girlfriend.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because, you know, what is the most.

[A]

Common reason that it doesn't work out for you?

[B]

It's not that it doesn't work out. It just kind of fizzles.

[A]

Because that's not working.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's not working. And it's me. I'll take some responsibility. I'm traveling so much and so occupied that it's probably not very fun to be with someone or to be interested in someone or to gain momentum with someone. If you're not hearing from them all the time, it should be fun and exciting. Oh, he's texting me. Oh, she's texting me. They should be like that. But I don't ever, like, let it get to that. Not by design, but just like, I'm traveling, I'll be like, on an airplane, they'll be like, haven't heard from you for a day. And I guess, Sorry. Like, I don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you, have you ever considered traveling with a girl?

[B]

No. No, I haven't considered that. I will say this too, if you want to hear what the romantic Answer or like, the honest answer for me is, like, there's been a few times in my life where I met someone and I was, like, smitten, you know, I was, like, excited. I was like, the way they are going, oh, my gosh. Like, I want to text all the time, and I want to do those things. And that's just. Hasn't happened in a. In a while.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's all.

[A]

That's okay.

[B]

Yeah, it just hasn't happened.

[A]

Okay. Well, I was just curious about that.

[B]

Old book, she's just not that into. Or what? Or is it he's just not that into you?

[A]

I think it's. She's.

[B]

No, it's. He's Greg Barrett's book. He's just not that into you.

[A]

Is that what the movie is?

[B]

Yeah, it's based off the book. Yeah. But it started as Greg Baron. He was a writer on Sex in the City.

[A]

He's just not into that.

[B]

But I'm speaking for myself to them. Like, I'm just not that into you. Because if I was, I would be.

[A]

Texting a lot more. Thank you for the clarification. Pulling it up on the screen. Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Greg Baron. They're, like, one of my favorites. My heroes.

[A]

Yeah. So last time you said that you were sober.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you still sober?

[B]

Still sober. I got a year and three weeks.

[A]

Holy crap. Yeah.

[B]

Maybe a year and two weeks. I don't remember. It was a couple Wednesdays ago.

[A]

Congratulations. Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, I feel great.

[A]

I've been sober for almost seven months.

[B]

Nice. Are you gonna have wine and alcohol again when you're. Once the baby's out?

[A]

I mean, if you drink while you breastfeed.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You have to throw the milk away for, like, a couple of hours or whatever. Like, your body has to process the alcohol, otherwise the baby gets all.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't do that. Yeah, but I mean, like, your sobriety is just because you have to be, so. Yeah, that's all I was asking.

[A]

But, you know, I never thought that I could be sober this long.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, go this long without having a drink.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It's got a lot of positives. The only negative is I'm pretty irritable.

[A]

Are you?

[B]

Yeah, but I mean, like, more than I was when I was drunk. I was never irritable when I was drunk. I would be in here being a nuisance.

[A]

Why do you think you're more irritable?

[B]

You have to deal with the reality of things. You know, when I was just, like, a blurry mess like, you go, he was a pleasure to be around, but he was also a lot. Or he would, like, you know, there was like, a lot of flaws that came with that also. But, like, now I'll be fine. And then out of nowhere, I'll be like, look at these fucking kids. You know, like, just for no reason. And I'm like, holy shit. Like, that is maybe growing up mixed with sobriety.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I find that sitting down with. With people who are drinking just. It feels like forever. And.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting.

[A]

And. And I, like, want to go. I want to leave the table.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm not participating in the drinks, but I still want to be fun.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But it's just not fun.

[B]

Right. I agree with that. I can hang out pretty long now. Like, as far as, like, my tolerance for drunk people is a lot greater.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like. But I will give an example that happened just last night. Last night, probably one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life was, like, touching my face and, like, being like, ba, da, da, da. And like, tell me all these things about Kill Tony was like, the after party at Mitzi's or whatever. After Kill Tony.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And. But she was so belligerently hammered that I was, like, terrified of her. I was like, I don't want to. I, like, she was like, grabbing my face. I think she, like, wanted me to kiss her or something. I just put my eyes. I had my hands up. Like, I was like. I wanted everyone around me to see. I, like, kept going to the bathroom. I kept going to the bathroom and then coming back, hoping that she'd, I don't know, be different or something. And then. Yeah. And I was just going, this whole thing is a disaster. And so then I just left without even saying goodbye.

[A]

But that's an Irish goodbye.

[B]

Yeah. And I. Old Irish accent. Yeah, well, I'd say goodbye to everyone else, just not her. Oh, yeah. And then. Yeah, I was very afraid of her.

[A]

And did she get your number or anything?

[B]

No, no, no, nothing. I was good. I don't think she remembered it, but that by. The reason I bring that story was because drunk Jeff would have just been a mess with her. Then we would have both been stupid idiots. And then the next day it could have been a disaster. Like, yeah, yeah, say, that's a tough part.

[A]

She'd be like, oh, my God, who are you?

[B]

Why would you do that? Because I was drunk too. What do you mean? Why did I do that? Yeah, you have to be responsible for Drunk Jeff and Drunk You. That seems unfair. We're all responsible for ourselves, but magically, I have to be responsible for me and her now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was like, I'm not touching this psycho. She might be dead. Who knows?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Seriously? She was that drunk. I was gonna.

[A]

Well, hopefully she didn't drive.

[B]

She was with a couple of gay fellas and another lady, so I think they were taking care of her.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you still talk to any of your exes?

[B]

Not really. I mean, like, there'll be, like, one of my exes was a big fan of the band Hanson. And then I went to Oklahoma, and one of the guys, one of the. The oldest brother from Hanson, like, became, like, a friend of mine. And we hung out for a few nights while I was there. And so I sent her a video. I was like, she would really enjoy this. I said, just her a video. But I even prefaced the video, like, not sure how well received I am in your zeitgeist. All respect to your husband. I just felt like I had to send this video. Sorry. And I just sent the video. And it was, you know, she replied like, oh, this was so sweet. Thank you. Or like, I thought one of my other exes, I saw this, like, hippie, dippy, kind of like vegan video on. On Instagram, and I had to send it to her, and she was like, this is hilarious. This is. You saw this video and thought of me. So it's like, it's friendly, but it's very far. Yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

As, I mean, I feel like that's probably pretty normal.

[B]

Yeah. Are you friends with your exes?

[A]

No.

[B]

Careful, we're recording. Only give your recorded answers. Yes.

[A]

No, I was friends with my ex husband until, like, I got into another very serious relationship.

[B]

Right. And then that changes some things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That suggests maybe.

[A]

Maybe it's really over. Maybe the divorce was final.

[B]

Well, just the idea that, like, someone would be like, oh, my God, we can just be friends. Oh, God, oh, my God, I'm just friends with this guy. It's like, well, then why don't you talk to them anymore? When you get into a different thing, it's almost like you weren't just friends with that guy because you were framing as, oh, you have not. Oh, my God. Oh, everyone is so ridiculous. You can't even have, like, a platonic friendship or someone, and then. Then you do. You stop talking to them. Cause out of respect for the new person, it's almost kind of like those weren't just friends.

[A]

Well, so for him, I was with him for like 10 years, and I, like, was friends with his family and stuff. And so it's hard to just disconnect totally and then not talk to any of these people that you had built relationships with over the last decade.

[B]

100%.

[A]

So I would just check in. And it was more of a check in. And it wasn't an everyday conversation. It was like every couple of months it's like, hey, hey, are you doing okay? How are you doing? Interesting stuff, I guess.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then I think that there was like a little. Whenever I got into my next very serious relationship, it just. He didn't care anymore if I was doing well. And so he, like, stopped texting me. And then I wasn't gonna reach out to him just because so much time had gone by too. And you don't communicate with the other person's family as much as you once did.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So it all kind of fizzles out.

[B]

The only times it's uncomfortable for me is the friends of my exes. It's hard to tell, like, you know. You know, I don't really care what they're saying about me behind my back or what those things. But then you see their friends and then you're like, I don't know what they said behind my back, you know? So like, now I'm going, Now I kind of do care what they said behind my back because I'm going to talk to their friend. I don't know how I'm. Yeah, that's tough.

[A]

Friends of exes are a little bit weird because it's like, well, who were they friends with first? And then as that's like, who's gonna be your friend?

[B]

Or also, sometimes my ex's friends were pretty hot, you know, and they're like, oh, you know, I'm single now too. And I'm like, oh, God damn it.

[A]

Have you ever dated one of your ex's friends?

[B]

Not at the top of my head, but I think I've hooked up, like, with, like, a friend of my ex's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. I hooked up when I was in high school. I had a boyfriend who was severely jealous of this other guy that I, like, thought was hot. And so after the breakup, I went and hooked up with that other guy, obviously.

[B]

Dude, I've had that happen. One of my exes knew how much I was, like, a fan and kind of an underling, too. I don't know if that's a real word. So, like, I'm. If you ever watch my Stand up comedy. You can, like, see who I'm influenced by. Like a band. You go, oh, this band is like these five bands, and they're inspired by whatever. Like, I love Patrice O'Neal, Norm MacDonald, the Simpsons, Daniel Tosh. Like, if you kind of collect all these things, you go, that's what Jeff watched growing up. So when I first got into comedy, the fact that Daniel Tosh was at the Comedy Magic Club all the time was, like, mind boggling. He was, like, nice to me, which he's not nice to a lot of people, you know, in general. And I was like, daniel Tosh. Like, this is you. This girl knew how much I loved Daniel Tosh. So, like, we had this big, like, blow up in New York City where we, like, broke up, like, just on a whim, like in a heat of pass. And she went and fucked Daniel Tosh to spite me. Not for Daniel, to spite me. A different girl. I know who I wasn't even a boyfriend of, just a whore from LA was like. She was like. Literally, I was. I actually really liked her. But, like, she was such horror behavior that she was like. She's like, you know, I went to Nashville and fucked Theo Vaughn. And I was like, all right. I don't, like, I don't know why you do that. Like, that didn't make me jealous of at all. I'm good. Like, bye. What are you talking about? But, like, so there is a vindictive kind of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nature in. In people.

[A]

Well, that happened.

[B]

I've never done it vindettively.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You knew that that boyfriend had, like, severe jealous, and you still chose.

[A]

I did.

[B]

Like Richard Sherman going to the 49ers to say fuck you to the Seahawks and the fans. You knew what you were doing.

[A]

I did. I'm not saying I didn't know. Of course I knew.

[B]

I've never done that.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

I've, like, you're so good, Jeff. In this scenario, I'm better than you. Yeah. Sorry. I win this one.

[A]

That's all you do win that one.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think you're a bad person. And also, you were young.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, you were young.

[A]

I was very young.

[B]

But why'd you do that? I think it's a fair question, but.

[A]

It'S an obvious answer because it was out of spite.

[B]

Right. But why'd you do why?

[A]

It's just vindictive nature. Like, evil has no reason tell anyone.

[B]

He had a tiny dick or something. Why'd you have to fuck his friend?

[A]

I did that.

[B]

Too. Oh, Jeebers, I did it all. I've only another thing too. Like, I've only wanted, like, the best interest of my exes. Like, I've always, like, I've always been. Like, I liked you enough to have you in my life and be inside your body. Like, I don't want any harm to come to you. I don't want to, like, hurt your feelings even though it's over.

[A]

That's sweet.

[B]

Well, it's true. It's like, I've never thought, like, oh, I'll show this. Like, I've never thought that.

[A]

How do you think an ex would describe you?

[B]

Wow. I guess it depends on the ex. I don't know. I don't know how to.

[A]

Did I stump you?

[B]

Yeah, a little bit. Because I. Like, how would they describe me? In which way? Like, like my personality or like me as a boyfriend? Or just describe me, I guess if.

[A]

It'S an ex and we're talking about a relationship. If someone. If this girl ran into someone and was like, oh, you dated Jeff Dye? What was. What was that like?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How do you think she would respond?

[B]

I don't know. Women are tricky that way. I will say, now that I've become more successful and wealthy, I have a lot of exes. I'll explain. When I have no money and I was just, like, trying to be a comedian. No girl would have ever told any soul that they knew me. And then like, I'll get on a thing or I'll date someone famous. And like, you know, we dated. You're like, well, now magically, we dated girls I hung out with maybe for like a day, or like, that's my ex. It's like, oh, now I'm your ex because I'm in People magazine. Dumb twat. We like, like, literally, like, someone will have a dinner with someone, but then if they do something else, you go, I. I took. We went out. He took me out.

[A]

I was like, ugh, you're popular.

[B]

Yeah. How would they describe me? I think I'm fun. I think they would describe me as fun if their feelings weren't hurt and they weren't just trying to say, like, bad things. I think that they would describe me as fun. Also. There's been so many chapters of me. I think that, like, I know one girl that I dated. The reason we don't even speak and we're not even friendly is because I caught her talking. A different girl was like, oh, you know, I know you used to hang out with so and so. And she said, all this and just showed me the girl's texts and I'm going through these texts and like, you know, getting to see how someone speaks about me.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

And it was really hurtful. Yeah, it was. She was like, you need to be with a real man. Like, he's just a boy. Like all these. Like, it was really hurtful. So that was a real eye opener. And then my last girl, and she wasn't even my girlfriend, we barely were together, but she spoke about me on her podcast like I was nothing. So I. I think that it kind of depends how something. I don't know. Like, it depends how things were left, I guess.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

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[A]

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[A]

New customers only opt in. Required casino credits are non withdrawable and expire in 168 hours [e-mail] promos do you feel like you're respectful in relationships?

[B]

I am, yeah. Yeah. I'm kind of a old school boy like that.

[A]

I get that vibe. Yeah, I get the vibe that you are. Do you open a car door for a girl?

[B]

Oh, for sure, yeah.

[A]

For how long?

[B]

For how long in a relationship?

[A]

Because usually a guy will do it in the beginning and then afterwards, after, like being together for like a year or something, you know, it kind of fades off.

[B]

Interesting. No, I think that's just a nice one. I do that all the time.

[A]

That's nice. I really, really.

[B]

Like, sometimes I forget, but I do it most of the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I. I find that that's like a very charming thing.

[B]

I also think, like, all of the things I'm suggesting about myself, it's hard to, like, I have plenty of flaws. I have. And I'm. I can often misrepresent myself to strangers or to people in society or to audience members. But if you're in my life, right. You're in the phone, you're in the friend group, you've been to my house. You're in my little universe. I'm really nice. I'm nice to you. So it's like, it's. It'd be hard for me to, you know, like, I don't. I don't think that there's a lot of negativity in here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe out there you could find plenty of things where like, oh, you said this or did this.

[A]

But what is the longest you've ever been in a relationship?

[B]

Few years. But I mean, if we're talking about not doing the breakup get back together breakup get back together. It's. I mean, Months.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Not very long. But again, I was a boy for a lot of my life. I was a very just want to have fun guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, being sober, I'm sure, kind of changes some of that.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

You know, kind of makes you, like, you say it, like, opens your eyes, and you're a little bit of a different person now.

[B]

Yeah, I think. Well, I mean, like, I'm sure there's been many chapters of you, right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. And there's been, like, many chapters of everyone. I think that's something that people should be more sympathetic about. You know, like, someone might have went to high school with you, and now that you're successful, they'd be like, oh, my God, I know Lauren. It's like, no, you know, you knew Lauren. You didn't. You don't know her now. Like, there's people that, like, literally, a guy that was, like, arguing with me on Twitter, he went to, like, high school with me. He's like, I've known you, Jeff, for 30 years ago. No, you haven't. You know, 30 years ago.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Total different story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, the Jeff you're hearing now isn't even the Jeff that was here four fucking years ago. Not here here, but, like, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, we're different. We're always changing. We're always evolving or some. Hopefully getting better, sometimes people getting worse. But, like, it's. It's. You know, I wish I could be the man I am now to any of the women that I dated.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I just wasn't capable of it. I was a weird little wild boy.

[A]

Weird.

[B]

Yeah. Very weird. Weird habits.

[A]

How long into a relationship until you say I love you?

[B]

That depends for sure. And I know that's a terrible answer to say. It depends. I fall quick. So for me, if I. If I like the person, I'll say it the second I feel it.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. But I do use I love you loosely, but I think in a relationship, it's different. But I say I love you to everyone. I told some guy I met last night, I was like, love you, bub. Like, as I'm saying goodbye, like, some guy that works at Kill Tony that was in prison for eight years, and I was just like, I love you, man. Like, I did love that guy. But I think in a relationship, I've said. I'm trying to think. I said, I love you. Yeah. Pretty quick. To the women that I loved, you know?

[A]

Yeah, I do, too. Yeah, I. I'm quick to. Yeah.

[B]

I'm tell someone I love you. It's gonna go fast, and it's right away. Yeah.

[A]

But, you know, that's never like seriously affected me in like a negative way. Telling someone that I love them. Because I feel like if I really do love you, there's something about you that I love. And I will never regret that. Like, if I. If I feel like I said it maybe too soon, I'd be like, damn, I should have waited. But I. But it was true for me, 100%.

[B]

I think we talked about this last time I was here. Did we? Well, just the idea that I have no interest in playing these sort of games.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

And so if I am feeling love towards you and I think we really got something going. I remember I would just say I love you instead of thinking like, oh my God, like, why did he say I love? Like, we've barely even like, oh my God. It gave me the ick. Like match my vibe, like match my energy. Like all this kind of trash you.

[A]

Can tell that you date in la.

[B]

I wasn't trying to match an energy or match my vibe. I was just telling you how I felt. You know, like grown ups do.

[A]

I agree. Trying to find a really interesting question.

[B]

You know when they get pregnant, they look at the menu extra long. You know what I mean?

[A]

Well, you know they say your vision gets worse.

[B]

Oh, is that true?

[A]

Yeah, they say your vision gets worse. Your brain actually shrinks in size.

[B]

She said it, not me.

[A]

It's true. That's why when they say pregnancy brain, it's like a real thing.

[B]

Really, Like a little fog.

[A]

Oh my gosh. It's like being high all the time.

[B]

You don't need to drink. You can just be pregnant. Yeah. Pretty cool.

[A]

Yeah. I have had so much sparkling water, it's unbelievable. This baby's gonna come out burping.

[B]

I like that. Yeah. Burp baby.

[A]

Little burp baby. He's not gonna need any help from pats on the back or anything.

[B]

This is my first date with ever with a pregnant woman.

[A]

How do you feel?

[B]

Yeah, it feels conflicting. We should talk about your pregnancy picture on your screensaver.

[A]

It's a good pregnancy picture.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like it.

[A]

It's far away. I can't reach my phone or I will.

[B]

I don't like it.

[A]

It's hot. That's the problem. I'm wearing like a see through mesh outfit and it's.

[B]

What are we doing?

[A]

But I. Because I want to be able to see my body. I work really hard for this body. I've been working out five days a week as a pregnant person. That's not easy to do.

[B]

Yeah. Is that Recommended.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Baby's got sparkling water.

[A]

And I mean, I'm not. I'm not like, rock climbing or going on like, crazy. I'm not, like, hit training.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I have a personal trainer.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

And so I see her three times a week. I go on five mile walks, like, every day, and then I do Pilates twice a week.

[B]

Nice. Sounds like a great regimen.

[A]

Yeah, I'm working out more now than I did when I wasn't pregnant. It's good for blood flow, circulation, sparkling.

[B]

Water, weight, you know, for sure.

[A]

But the cellulite that comes with being pregnant's insane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

It's not even weight gain. It's just the. The cellulite is real.

[B]

I just was saying that, you know, if I'm seeing a photo of a pregnant woman, I don't want to be turned on, you know?

[A]

Let me get my phone.

[B]

It shouldn't be hot.

[A]

Hold on. Let me see if I can reach my phone.

[B]

I shouldn't be all horned up by a pregnant lady. Like, oh, yeah, check out. Look at her baby bump. And the way she's looking in the lens.

[A]

We'll let the. The crabbed side.

[B]

No, they'll decide that it's hot. I just think it's inappropriate.

[A]

That's. That's the pregnancy photo. This is an unedited image. It's raw.

[B]

Just another photo of.

[A]

It's gonna be edited soon, and I'll post it. It's a sneak peek of my maternity shoot. That was the same photographer that shot my cover for Playboy.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Didn't know you were in Playboy.

[A]

You didn't?

[B]

No, I didn't know that. Wow. That's why your breasts are so famous.

[A]

Probably a lot of people have seen them.

[B]

Literally the most famous breasts in show business. I mean, Dolly Parton's got you, but that' different.

[A]

Those are fake.

[B]

And she. Well, don't take it easy on Dolly.

[A]

Look, she's got this thing, so she did.

[B]

Inappropriate.

[A]

I'm just gonna take a side thing. I have. I have a bone to pick with Dolly Parton. She ruined my favorite song. One of my favorite songs.

[B]

This is not gonna go over well.

[A]

This is not gonna go over well. And I realized that, right? And I. She did a cover. She did some songs with Paul McCartney.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And she did Let It Be. And I don't know if she have dentures or like. Hold on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or veneers that, like, don't fit her mouth. I'm asking is a serious question.

[B]

Yeah, I have no idea. Might want to edit this out.

[A]

Look, she's America's sweetheart. I love Dolly Parton. I know. I love Dolly Parton.

[B]

I mean, just America's sweetheart.

[A]

I know she's America's sweetheart. I love her death.

[B]

Pretty old. She's not the youngest lady. And you're like, fake tits, dentures. I got a bone. But she ruined a song I love. You're like, this is one of the greatest songs.

[A]

There's a song called Let It Be.

[B]

Well, she's on her song.

[A]

I said it was a cover. She ruined one of my favorites. And so when she sings it, she's like, whisper words of wisdom.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

I swear, you can go back and listen to her cover. I'm not kidding. And then he's like, let it be. Let it be.

[B]

And then, you know, people often call me the bravest comic in the land. This is brave.

[A]

I'm. Look, I've never been canceled before, and if this is how I go down.

[B]

You won't get canceled. But.

[A]

But I'll get hate.

[B]

Yeah, I think it's fair. Be some fair hate.

[A]

I'm just saying that she. She. Just. Because Dolly Parton hops on a song.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Doesn't mean it's always better.

[B]

Right. I don't think people think that it's just a cover, you know, you go, oh, you like this song? I'll do it. Sorry about my teeth.

[A]

But now I can't hear the song the same. So when I sing Let It Be from now on, I sing it with the shperword.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And so I. It has ruined that song for me.

[B]

I get it. Sorry about that.

[A]

That's okay.

[B]

Yeah, well, I was talking about your breasts.

[A]

We were talking about the maternity shoot.

[B]

Yeah, well, no, like, I literally. Oh, I did a First Day with Laura come, and they're like, oh, the girl with the. The breasts. I was like, well, fellas, you know. Yes. And then, like, they talk about that like, she. Like, it's your resume. No, but maybe it kind of is if it's Playboy. You did Playboy?

[A]

I did do Playboy, yeah. I was in, like, four special editions. I was on cover.

[B]

Holy crap.

[A]

I did a lot.

[B]

Do you know I dated a Playboy Playmate?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My first girlfriend in Los Angeles was Sarah Underwood, the Playmate. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

A year after she was the Playmate of the Year.

[A]

I've never met her in person.

[B]

Oh, she used to be a delight.

[A]

But I've heard great things.

[B]

She used to be great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She used to be one of my favorite people.

[A]

She seemed very nice.

[B]

Yeah. She had, like, some Mental breakdown and family issues where she's completely different now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, like I said, I never.

[B]

When I knew her, she was a. This little, like, country girl who rode horses. Like, her family's house had no cell phone reception. Yeah, we met in 2008 and she had no cell phone reception at her house. Like, if she was gonna go up to see her parents, who she adored, she would literally call me from, like, a landline.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, like, one of the most endearing and one of the. With the real tragedies of our relationship, in my opinion, that I would defend all the time is people would go like, Jeff, you're this, like, smiley, cute comedian on television who's clean and you're with this.

[A]

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[B]

Slutty playmate. And I was like, no, it's the reverse. I'm the dirty little have sex with anybody fucking comic. Punk comic. And she was this really great gal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Really was, like, wholesome and had, like, country bumpkin values and, like, shotguns. And she'd only been with one boy. Was her high school sweetheart before me. And. And I remember being like, this is really reversed. Like, you guys are all judging the magazine and all that stuff, but she was one of the greatest people I've ever known.

[A]

And now she's building cabins in the middle of the woods.

[B]

No idea what she's doing now.

[A]

Yeah, well, she's actually. Her boyfriend. Must be some kind of builder or something.

[B]

Yeah, I. I'm not sure. Our last interaction wasn't great. Oh, she's got Trump derangements syndrome. And she, like, was literally like, you can just bury your head in the sand all the time. I was like, what are you talking about? I'm just like. She had no. She can't grasp that someone thinks different than her.

[A]

Literally lives in a forest.

[B]

Well, she used to have a daddy, and now she has daddy issues. And so I think that's what happened. Now all men are to.

[A]

Well, you know, all men are to.

[B]

Blame unless they wear dresses. And those men are heroes.

[A]

Go her friends.

[B]

Yeah. No, I won't do that to her. I wish her the best.

[A]

It works.

[B]

I just. In my mind, I was like, I've never seen such a 180 on somebody.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I like this great human, but it's another chapter, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's turned into a social justice warrior. And, you know, in the middle of.

[A]

The forest, it's wild, catching fireflies.

[B]

It's interesting to. Yeah, it's fascinating how. Never mind. Go ahead. I mean, it's just so funny how.

[A]

Fast someone can change.

[B]

Just like people's hypocrisy is fascinating.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I've dealt with some of that, too.

[B]

Yeah. That's okay.

[A]

I have a tasting menu for you. I don't think we did this last time you were here.

[B]

We did. Go ahead.

[A]

Oh, you're right. Because you liked thin crust pizza and pineapple on your pizza. Gross.

[B]

I had pineapple on my pizza last night. That was great. Sweet and salty. What if Matthew McConaughey is here? He would agree with me. Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I heard a whole 17 minute clip of him and Bert talking about ketchup while flirting with each other. I'm pretty sure.

[A]

But did Burt cry?

[B]

He would like my pineapple.

[A]

Did Burt cry?

[B]

I don't think so. Missed it.

[A]

If he did, well, then he didn't mean it.

[B]

Wait, really? He's the only cry when Bert cries a lot. I didn't know that.

[A]

Yeah. Doesn't he cry a lot? At least all the viral clips? I see. He's crying.

[B]

Like, crying from laughter?

[A]

No, he's emotional.

[B]

Oh, I like that.

[A]

Like when, like when he gets, like, big compliments or like, great things happen to him, he gets overwhelmed with happiness. Yeah. And he cries.

[B]

I love that. How often do you cry? And has it changed since you've been with baby?

[A]

What a fun question. Because I feel like I. Maybe in the very beginning, like the first three months, I would cry a little bit.

[B]

A little bit?

[A]

A little bit over nothing pre baby.

[B]

Were you crying a lot pre baby?

[A]

No, I'm not a big crier.

[B]

Okay. And then now that you have a baby, you were crying a little bit in the beginning.

[A]

I was only crying a little bit in the beginning because I was. I would get, like, overwhelmed with things. It's like a whole new world all of a sudden. And so I'd get really overwhelmed and I wouldn't know how to express myself, so I would just break down and cry for like, literally 20 seconds. And then I would wipe my eyes and be like, oh, glad that's over.

[B]

Right. Yeah. Well, that's part of it. I mean, your body's doing all these crazy things.

[A]

Yeah. It's like rain. Like rainforest sprinkles, showers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nothing huge.

[B]

Lot of. Lot of estrogen and hormones flailing around that's gonna happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But no, I'm not like a crier. Are you?

[B]

I am. I love a cry, but it doesn't happen often.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So, like, I. The older I get, the more choked up I get about sweet things. Yeah. So, like, I'll see. Like, Instagram. There's a little kid that was running around. So some real. Just popped up. And it was like a little kid running around on a machine to everyone in the hospital telling him that he's getting a new heart. And he was just like, I'm getting a new heart. And then, like, the woman that's working in the front, she's like, you are. She gives him a big hug, like. But, like, I watched that. I was like, a mess. Like, on an airplane. I was like, this is so, so sweet. Just thinking about it makes me. But, like, things like that make me touched. I'm easily touched.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And I think that comes with age.

[A]

I've cried on a plane watching a movie before. It was very embarrassing.

[B]

Have you seen Soul, the Pixar movie?

[A]

No.

[B]

Holy shit. I didn't just cry on a plane. I wept. I wept on an airplane. Grown men were checking at me, like, you all right? I'm like, have you seen this shit? Like, I was fucking. It was a. It was a.

[A]

That was me with happy feet.

[B]

Oh, really? That was a cute movie.

[A]

I bawled my eyes out. I felt so bad for him because he couldn't dance.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was just like, I. I'll cry right now just thinking about how sad it was.

[B]

I quote that movie. Not as much anymore. I kind of just. Now you brought it back into my mind. But I used to quote it for a long time.

[A]

What part?

[B]

So in the beginning, when you're kind of being introduced to the character, the dad is just so ashamed that he's out there bopping around dancing. And he. And so he lectures him, you know, you don't dance. And he goes, I'm happy, Pop. Like, it was like, just like the best explanation of why he's behaving like that. It's just so simple. But I'm happy, Pop. Like, it was just like, why are you mad at my joy? I identified with that so much. Just those three. I'm happy.

[A]

I hated penguins after that movie.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Because I Felt like they were mean.

[B]

You took it out on the street?

[A]

I did. I hated penguins. And my mom would send me a birthday card with a penguin on it. And, like, she just thought it was so funny.

[B]

Like dancing.

[A]

Yeah. I was so pissed. And she knew that I hated penguins, and my friends knew that I hated penguins after this movie. And then they would give me things with penguins on them because they thought that it was funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now I walk like one right now.

[B]

Yeah. Now you're stuck. That's karma. Everything's full circle. That's hilarious.

[A]

I just waddle everywhere.

[B]

You don't waddle. Well, I agreed for the joke, but you don't waddle.

[A]

I do after a long walk.

[B]

Okay, well, it's good. I mean, it's gonna. You're not. You're not done yet. I know you're gonna keep going. I got three more waddling to come.

[A]

It's coming. I'm only gonna ask you a few of these tasting menu questions in my dessert. Question. FaceTime or voice memoir?

[B]

Voice memo. Love a voice memo.

[A]

God, I hate voice memo.

[B]

I like a FaceTime, but there's all these girl rules about it. Oh, not right now. You can't just FaceTime me out of the blue. Like, I need to, you know. Oh, you gotta tell me you're gonna FaceTime me so I'm. Oh, I look like. You can't FaceTime again.

[A]

You can tell you're dating in LA.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. It's so LA.

[B]

No, just a. I feel like anytime a beautiful woman is brought up, they blame it on la. These women are all over the country that I'm talking. I'm talking about.

[A]

I mean, I answer all FaceTimes.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Whether I'm in bed or not.

[B]

You know that this is a flaw of mine. You know, when I answer FaceTime, if it's someone famous from my phone, I go, yeah. Holy. Oh, my God. But, like, if it's just, like, someone I love and know, I'm like, FaceTime. I mean, the fuck is this?

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I don't know why I do.

[A]

I love surprise. FaceTimes.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe if I fall in love, I'd face. I mean, I FaceTimed with every girlfriend I've had. Like, yeah, like that.

[A]

Voice memos. If you send me a voice memo, I will never listen to it. I will touch it, and I will read it.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. I hate.

[B]

I get a little anxiety about just the phone in general, which I think also is one of my flaws in dating, you know? Especially if you're going to travel as much as me, you better be on the phone. You better be texting and calling and FaceTiming. And so I'm not good about that. I'm good about replying to a text, but they'll be like, call me later. And then I just won't even reply because just the idea of agreeing to call them later stresses me out.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I don't know if I need to. How do you work on that?

[A]

Well, that's called commitment. What if it stresses you out? Because if you have to commit to call someone back, if you say, okay.

[B]

No, it's related to the phone. It isn't a commitment. Like, if they said, let's get coffee, I'd be like, fuck, yeah. Be there. If like, you're like, let's also specifically the phone. Specifically. And I don't just do it with, with, with girls because people that I'm not committed to. Like, my pops tries to call me all the time and I'm like, just seeing it come up. Like, I'm like, I know I should answer, but I'm like, for what? I have some sort of weird thing with the. With talking on the phone.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Yeah, that.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I know, but I don't know how to work on that again. I don't even know if that's a thing you can work on.

[A]

I don't know, it might just be something that makes you anxious. Yeah, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, sorry. Sorry I brought that up.

[A]

No, I brought it up.

[B]

I just feel like if it's not interesting or getting a laugh, I go, shit, why'd I bring this up?

[A]

Pancakes or waffles?

[B]

Ooh, I love a waffle.

[A]

I like waffles too. Do you like fried chicken?

[B]

I do like fried chicken. With your waffle, yes. But the thing is, a tremendous amount of napping and guilt comes after I have chicken and waffles. So what I like to do. This is very LA answer. There's a place called Crossroads.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Vegan restaurant. That's top notch. And when I say it's a top notch vegan place, it means you'd enjoy eating there even if you're not vegan. Yeah, because I'm not vegan, but I still like that place. That's how good it is. And they have a chicken and waffles that is vegan and it's great. There's no guilt and there's no nap. You just had chicken and waffles and you get to leave. It's it's amazing.

[A]

But I feel like. So I get what you're saying, but if I eat something that tastes delicious, I never feel guilty afterwards.

[B]

Interesting. That's a good way to look at it. Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm like, I loved that.

[B]

I really love McDonald's, but I feel guilty after I eat it.

[A]

I don't feel guilty.

[B]

I can not for a week now.

[A]

There's a. There's a. There's a place in LA that has waffles and chicken. It's like the Whiffle Roscoe's. No, it's similar. Gosh. I'll think of it later.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'll FaceTime you.

[B]

Please don't.

[A]

Last one. Do you like mustard or ketchup?

[B]

Yeah, I like them when appropriate. I'm not gonna.

[A]

Strange answer.

[B]

I don't put it on my hand and let it dry and then lick it.

[A]

Not asking if you snort it.

[B]

Yeah, I like. So, like, I'm a big baseball guy, and my rule is always get a hot dog when you go to the baseball game.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I like when things match things stereotypically. Do you. When. If I could see a cop eating a donut, I would be happy for the rest of the week, you know? Or like, when you see Dog with a Bone. Like, I like anything that you saw, like, in this.

[A]

That makes sense.

[B]

Yeah. Just where you go. That's hilarious. Like, we're doing that. So I go to a hot. I go to baseball game, and I have the hot dog with the ketchup and the mustard, and I love it. Yeah.

[A]

I feel like you have to.

[B]

And I love my big mustard guy. I think I'm more mustard than ketchup, for sure.

[A]

Me, too.

[B]

Yeah. There's so many different.

[A]

I like mayonnaise and mustard.

[B]

Hot mustard from McDonald's is Dijon. Oh, Dijon's good, isn't Dijon.

[A]

Like, the spicier one? It's like the grainy one.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. Not the sweet one.

[B]

I like sweet mustards, too, though.

[A]

I don't like the sweet mustard.

[B]

Some I don't. I find eating meals a nuisance. Like, I find it to be a waste of my time to, like eating meals. Yeah. Like, I feel like it's a big. It's a lot of. Like, I. I always think I got a whole hour to, like, go eat. Like, I don't want to sit at a restaurant alone. It's another product of me being alone so much. I think of the idea of going to a place to have, like, a meal is, like, Stresses me out a Little bit, yeah. So I have, like, really strange eating habits, but, like, one of them is, like, it's just like, a bunch of ham that's in my fridge, and I'll take, like, a handful of ham and I'll put, like, sweet mustard on it. I'll just eat it like. Like a caveman.

[A]

I will do that with some cheese and regular mustard.

[B]

Before pregnancy or just in general?

[A]

Are you saying that because it's deli meat?

[B]

I'm saying it because it would be what I just described as very pregnant behavior.

[A]

I mean, I've eaten more as a pregnant person than I've ever eaten.

[B]

But this cheese thing you're talk about.

[A]

Yeah, cheese and deli meat and mustard. Sounds great.

[B]

Yeah, it's like a ghetto charcuterie board, the way. The way I live.

[A]

Yeah, it's like a hand burrito.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I just kind of like. But it tastes so good.

[A]

So for my dessert question.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What is your go to way of cheering someone up when they're feeling down?

[B]

My go to way of cheering someone up if they're feeling down?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think it's anything specific, but just kind of goofing around with them, you know? Very pawy. I haven't touched you a lot, but I'm like. I'm always touching.

[A]

Oh, people.

[B]

Yeah, I thought about working on it, but I just like it. No, I'm always pawing them with my big paws, you know?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So, like, if. Like, if I ever see. Like, when I see a big fat guy, I'm always like, what's up, man? Like, I'm always, like, touching them, and I'm very. Yeah, so I think that that's part of it too. Like, I would, like, be like, come on, man, let's cheer up. And I'm very pie. I do that. I do it to people. I. I'm very, very hands on. Yeah. Very touchy like that. But it's always, like, playful, you know, it's silly.

[A]

That's.

[B]

Yeah, it's like I'm always.

[A]

God, that's so weird.

[B]

I think attitude is also important for cheering people up. Right. Like, my buddy Ari is one of my favorite humans in the world. His name's Ari Azizian. Very funny comedian. He's a young guy. But what I like about Ari is he has the best attitude. Right. If something is good, we're happy. Right. And if something bad happens to us, like, he thinks it's hilarious. He's like, isn't this great? Like, something bad's happening? I'm like, I just love that about him. And so that's what my brain went to when he said, if someone's in a bad.

[A]

He's like core memory.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Isn't this funny? Like, we're in the rain, flat tire. And I think that's maybe what I would try to just change the attitude of someone if they're not happy.

[A]

That's a perfect answer.

[B]

Oh, thanks.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're welcome.

[B]

Thanks for having me on a second date.

[A]

Of course. Come back for a third. Oh, by then I'll have a baby.

[B]

Legally binding. Yeah. What are you gonna do with that?

[A]

I don't know. I can't leave it at home.

[B]

Right. The baby gonna chill.

[A]

We might. We might prop it up.

[B]

That'd be so funny to actually go on a date with someone. Who?

[A]

With me and my baby.

[B]

Someone brings the baby right there. This is a bad start.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, you better be a really cool chick. You brought a baby on the date.

[A]

You know, some guys have a pregnancy fetish.

[B]

Oh, really? Did you find that out from your thirst trap pregnancy pitch? I know I'm with baby, but check out my ass. I know I'm happily.

[A]

Hey, the boobs are bigger.

[B]

Yeah. Well, for sure.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. But I actually found out that men have pregnancy. There are some people with a pregnancy issue. A girlfriend of mine told me that a girlfriend of hers got pregnant and then got dumped. It was like off of a one night stand kind of thing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so she went out and dated and she had to tell people up front, I'm pregnant. And there was this one guy that she dated and he loved pregnant women. Thought it was so hot.

[B]

Let me give you a little advice. Men are disgusting. Whenever I hear the sentence, you know there's a fetish, I go, I know. Yeah, I know, I know. There's a fetish for everything. Have you seen porn? It's like. Like a dude at yoga and then all of a sudden he starts humping chicks or a guy getting a massage. He's like, like, literally, it's everything. There's a fetish for buying houses and your realtor sucks your dick. There's literally a fetish forever. The pregnancy doesn't shock me. That's probably in the pretty normal area of fetish, you know, bigger boobs. It's human life. Maybe there's some sort of attraction to reproductiveness. Yeah.

[A]

You know, one thing I've noticed about myself is my smell interesting. Like, the way that I smell sucks.

[B]

Oh, it's not good.

[A]

No, it's like, oh, really? Yeah. I don't know. It's a hormone that's, like released. It's got to be a hormone.

[B]

Maybe it keeps the others away from you.

[A]

I guess so.

[B]

I'm already knocked up.

[A]

Makes me want to swear, stay away from myself. And there's no amount of deodorant in the world.

[B]

Really. Things are like a Reddit thread.

[A]

I don't know. I would love for someone to tell me what this is all about.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I even tell my trainer. I'm like, please stay five feet away from me at all times. I feel so bad.

[B]

Smell.

[A]

It's just not good. It's bo.

[B]

You know, there's nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman. You know, a irritable, grumpy, smelly, moody.

[A]

Ass out, Monal.

[B]

Waddling pregnant woman. Nothing more beautiful.

[A]

Thanks, Jeff.

[B]

Might want to edit that too.

[A]

That and my dolly partner.

[B]

Dolly. You gotta go.

[A]

All right, well, where can people find you?

[B]

Oh, jeffdye.com I'm touring everywhere. I literally tour every night of my life. So please come to the shows and you can find all those [e-mail] or any of my social medias, which is also just my name, Jeff Dye. Yay. Yeah. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Thank you for coming on my show. Thank you guys so much for watching. We'll see you next time.

[B]

First date.

[A]

Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner?

[B]

First date. I can't wait.

[A]

You told your mom about me?

[B]

Just say you ready?

[A]

Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommates.