Fat "Kitties", Trashy Tattoos, and Romance w/ Ari Matti | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Summary of "Fat 'Kitties', Trashy Tattoos, and Romance w/ Ari Matti | First Date with Lauren Compton"

Podcast Title: First Date with Lauren Compton
Host: YMH Studios
Guest: Ari Matti (Estonian Comedian and Viral Content Creator)
Release Date: December 31, 2024

---

Introduction

In this candid and humorous episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, host Lauren Compton welcomes Estonian comedian Ari Matti. Known for his performances on the Killstream Tony stage and his nationwide tours with Kill Stoney, Ari brings a unique perspective to the conversation about dating, relationships, and personal experiences.

Breaking the Ice: Pregnancy and Initial Impressions

The episode kicks off with an amusing exchange about Lauren's pregnancy, setting a lighthearted tone for the conversation. Ari expresses surprise upon learning about Lauren's pregnancy, leading to playful banter about gender dynamics and perceptions during pregnancy.

Notable Quote:

"You're like full pregnant, but full power. Like at this point even, you know."
— Ari Matti [01:43]

Discussions on Body Image and Tattoos

A significant portion of the conversation delves into body image, particularly focusing on the perceived differences in how men and women handle weight gain. Ari humorously critiques the idea that men rarely "come back" after gaining weight, while suggesting that women can reverse the trend more easily.

Notable Quote:

"Guys typically not come back from that, do you think?"
— Ari Matti [04:18]

The talk then shifts to tattoos, where Ari shares his fascination with "trashy tattoos," expressing a preference for more edgy and life-signifying ink over more mainstream designs.

Notable Quote:

"The trashier the tattoo, the more I have interest."
— Ari Matti [16:47]

Personal Anecdotes: Encounters and Experiences

Ari recounts various personal experiences, including interactions with homeless individuals and dating mishaps. His stories are laced with humor and a touch of dark comedy, providing listeners with an unfiltered look into his life and mindset.

Notable Quote:

"Sometimes. Listen, you can be homeless, but don't be rude."
— Ari Matti [10:14]

Romantic Ideals and Realities

When discussing romance, Ari struggles to identify his most romantic moments, leading to a humorous back-and-forth with Lauren. Despite his challenges in articulating romantic gestures, Ari hints at a desire for genuine connections and meaningful relationships.

Notable Quote:

"I'm a romantic, and I'm not, like, some animal, but just maybe I really haven't done anything."
— Ari Matti [48:31]

Lauren contrasts this by sharing her own elaborate romantic setup, highlighting the differences in their approaches to romance.

Views on Relationships and Open Concepts

The conversation ventures into Ari's thoughts on open relationships and societal norms. He presents a mix of unconventional ideas and traditional views, often interspersed with humor that underscores his unique perspective.

Notable Quote:

"If I feel like you need it, maybe we, like, go to her house at night and we just..."
— Ari Matti [48:12]

Closing Thoughts and Future Plans

As the episode winds down, Lauren reveals her pregnancy progress, adding a personal touch to the conversation. Ari expresses interest in future collaborations, hinting at potential return appearances.

Notable Quote:

"This is why I love podcasts, because it's the first time we've ever even talked, had a proper conversation."
— Ari Matti [52:06]

Conclusion

The episode concludes with mutual appreciation between Lauren and Ari, encapsulating the blend of humor, honesty, and introspection that defines First Date with Lauren Compton. Listeners are left with a glimpse into Ari Matti's comedic world and his take on the complexities of dating and relationships.

---

This detailed summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, humorous exchanges, and personal insights shared by Lauren Compton and Ari Matti. Notable quotes are included with proper attribution and timestamps to provide depth and context to the conversation.

Transcript

[Lauren]

You ever have the holidays just sneak up on you? It's the best. Because right now Instacart is lowering order minimums to just $10 for Instacart plus members. Members get to enjoy $0 delivery fees on all the last minute little stuff like more butter bath towels and even gifts. With $0 delivery fees on orders of only $10 or more. A holiday sos is now a holiday. No stress os now for members only through the end of the year. So head to Instacart now. Offer valve with an Instacart plus membership until 1231, 2024. Service fees, exclusions and terms apply. I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a comic from Estonia. You've probably seen him crush it as a regular on the Killstream Tony stage. He's touring Kill Stoney. It's the Estonia thing that's getting me. And he's touring all over the country right now. Give it up for Ari Matti.

[Ari Matti]

Hello. Hello.

[Lauren]

Thank you for coming on my show.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, maybe add another two minutes to that intro song, huh? Holy.

[Lauren]

It's good, huh?

[Ari Matti]

That was long, huh?

[Lauren]

Was it?

[Ari Matti]

It was like 14 minutes.

[Lauren]

It was like 14 seconds. I can tell you don't have a lot of patience.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, okay. Oh, so we were talking. That's. That wasn't okay.

[Lauren]

Okay. So you were telling me that there was a girl you were smoo.

[Ari Matti]

With.

[Lauren]

How did we get into it?

[Ari Matti]

Yes. See, when I sat down here, I didn't know you were pregnant.

[Lauren]

Oh, that's right.

[Ari Matti]

Always that weird moment as a guy.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

You could be full. You. How many months in you are?

[Lauren]

Seven.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. You're like full pregnant, but full pregnant. Like full power. Like at this point even, you know.

[Lauren]

Yeah. There's no denying. There's no.

[Ari Matti]

There's no state in the US that's.

[Lauren]

Going to no.

[Ari Matti]

On that one.

[Lauren]

That's right.

[Ari Matti]

But even as a guy, every time I could see you going into labor, I'll still be like, don't bring it up, guy. I always feel so weird. And then you were saying, would you. You said, would you think that I would let myself go like that?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

And trust me, women in their 30s, that first mental breakdown comes. I used to smooch with this girl in high school. The hottest girl. The hottest girl.

[Lauren]

Smooch just a little.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. High school.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Nothing. I think I felt her through the jeans one time. Like, feel the heat. You Know, nothing creepy, just a little like the ice age was on or something. You know, the mom is bringing us cupcakes or something.

[Lauren]

Or you're in high school.

[Ari Matti]

You're like 15, 16. That's high school. Right?

[Lauren]

You've got ice age on and cupcakes coming in from. Okay, okay, okay.

[Ari Matti]

Maybe like a snack.

[Lauren]

Okay, a snack. Maybe a snack.

[Ari Matti]

You know, banana bread. You know, my mom is trying to get my first girlfriend, you know, in the mood. Know moms love when they sons, cuz dads always shut it down when you have a guy over. Dads shut it down. When a girl. When you have a daughter.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

You shut that date down. But when you're a mom, you. You help the son out. That's cooler. You know, when a son has you.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

You don't want your son to be an incel. You know?

[Lauren]

Right. So you're so you're smooching with this girl.

[Ari Matti]

Hottest girl. And then I saw her like last year. It's.

[Lauren]

She's huge.

[Ari Matti]

Not, I mean, not even huge, like documentary.

[Lauren]

Oh, wow.

[Ari Matti]

Crazy.

[Lauren]

Why would happen.

[Ari Matti]

She had, I don't know, so. Well, something. Yeah. She snapped.

[Lauren]

I don't know, she had a mental breakdown and she was no longer hot.

[Ari Matti]

You know, I still bang. As long as I can find the hole, I'll bang you like. And her memory is still so hot to me that, you know.

[Lauren]

Yeah. You could just close your eyes and pretend like you're there again. Yeah, I'll just build more cushion for the push in.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, well. Well, that was a bit too much cushion, but okay. There won't be a lot of pushing.

[Lauren]

Well, I'm just pregnant, so.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. Yeah, but then girls come back from that too. Guys never. See, that's the thing when guys get fat, very rarely guys come back. They just stay fat. Yeah, but girls can fat.

[Lauren]

But why is that? Why don't guys. Why do guys typically not come back from that, do you think?

[Ari Matti]

I don't know. What do you think?

[Lauren]

I don't know. I feel like they're just like fat and happy. They're fine, you know.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, and it's different. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Oh, also it's because a guy doesn't necessarily need to be hot to get a girl. You need money.

[Ari Matti]

Exactly.

[Lauren]

Money and power. You can be fat. Haven't you seen some of these pictures of these like really hideously fat old men that are pulling just like the hottest girls?

[Ari Matti]

Listen, you just brought up. Don't even get me started right now. I've been going to these nice gyms and like Nice spas. And sometimes I go on holiday. You stay at the pool?

[Lauren]

Uhhuh.

[Ari Matti]

You see, like the hardest. Like Angelina Jolie. Like, she's into gorgeous yoga. Tasteful, rich, well taken care of.

[Lauren]

You can tell there's like money behind this boy. Wealth.

[Ari Matti]

Wealth behind this boy.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

She's well mannered, tasteful, in shape like a sculpture.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

The body of a goddess.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

And then you always know what's gonna be behind her. You always know that you see the shadow and you're like, dear God. And it's always the biggest tub of ash. Like a swollen foot with the ugliest nails. Just a big slob of fucking puke.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Like Jabba the Hutt.

[Ari Matti]

Jabba the what? Yeah, it's.

[Lauren]

Oh, I know what you mean.

[Ari Matti]

And it's not even. Okay, you can have a little bel. Well, actually not. You know what? And I get it. You're rich. I get it. You got the money. But count some calories, you know?

[Lauren]

Yeah. They're only good at counting their money.

[Ari Matti]

Just respect your woman's. Overall, you look like different species right now. And I always get so angry. The disrespect to your wife. You're in public, you have speed on someone and just a bloated pig.

[Lauren]

But don't you think that that's like a little bit of the turn on for him is that he doesn't have to care and he can get this.

[Ari Matti]

Kill this guy. That's also, you know what? That's also, that's also your. Your beautiful wife.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Okay, you have the money, but maybe let me her then let's do that.

[Lauren]

I don't think that would ever happen.

[Ari Matti]

I know.

[Lauren]

Do you have a girlfriend?

[Ari Matti]

No.

[Lauren]

Are you dating anybody?

[Ari Matti]

Always actually. Well, yeah, I go on dates sometimes, but then like when I was at this hotel and the fat tub of is there, you know, and they're always like on a call or something, drinking just beer at 2pm she's having a smoothie, you know. And then I was on my Daniel Craig, I was doing laps in the pool. I was on my Daniel Craig, you know, doing laps in the pool, coming out of the water. And then she looks at me, you know, we make eye contact with her. Nothing's ever gonna happen. But she had that look, the moment, the moment of like in another life.

[Lauren]

If you were just as wealthy as.

[Ari Matti]

The fat blob or just in another life, another circumstance, it's never gonna happen. But I saw that look.

[Lauren]

Do you want to get married?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Do you want to have kids?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

How old are you?

[Ari Matti]

32.

[Lauren]

What age do you think you're gonna get married at?

[Ari Matti]

I need to be so rich that these kids are never gonna leave the compound.

[Lauren]

Okay. Where do you think you would live? Would you go back to Estonia? Would you?

[Ari Matti]

I want to live in Estonia. I need to get this private jet money as soon as possible and get the fuck out of this country where I get shot. People spit on my sandwich. I need to get out of this country as soon as possible.

[Lauren]

That's annoying.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Someone spit on your sandwich.

[Ari Matti]

There was a homeless. Listen, I am a humanist. Is that a word? I'm a human humanoid, okay? I love people, and I wish everybody could be happy. Smoochy, smoochie, you know? I wish everybody could be happy and could make a comeback like a woman with her weight. But I'm eating this fucking Reuben sandwich on the corner, and all I need between gigs. I was just bombing my ass off. All I need is 30 minutes of quiet on a corner where I can enjoy a little coffee and a little Reuben sandwich. Before you know it, I take one bite out of it, and then, like, over my shoulder, I just hear, he's right here. He's like, he's right here. Cool. That's cool. That's a cool way to start. Right. Right here. And he's got bloody mouth. And because he's yelling, the particles are near my sandwich.

[Lauren]

Ew.

[Ari Matti]

So then I go, no, I. I don't got it. Sandwich in the trash. And then I try to get a new sandwich. The place was closed.

[Lauren]

Oh, no. That sucks.

[Ari Matti]

I know. Yeah. So sometimes. Listen, you can be homeless, but don't be rude.

[Lauren]

You know, I tried to give a sandwich to a homeless guy in a wheelchair, and he had no legs one time. And when I gave him the other half of my sandwich, which, by the way, let me make very clear, I still wanted it.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

I didn't want to give it away, but Lieutenant Dan looked like he needed it more than me, so I went to give it to him, and I. And he looked at it and he goes, is there cheese on it? And I said, yes. And he goes, I'm lactose intolerant. And he handed it back, and I was so happy. I was like, thank you so much. I didn't even want to give this to you. I was trying to be nice.

[Ari Matti]

Homeless people never want the food. They don't want the money.

[Lauren]

Also, take the cheese off.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. Also, you don't have time for an intolerance. You have in your pants and you're.

[Lauren]

Under a Bridge, I don't have anything else to say about that guy. But that was the only time I ever gave, like, something I really wanted to a homeless guy. I've given things that I don't really like to homeless people. You know that one time I even went to McDonald's and I ordered. I got $100 worth of gift cards and I got $10 each. And I would give them to female homeless women. Well, of course they're women. Female homeless people. Because I felt so bad that women were homeless.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lauren]

And I was like, oh, man, I know it sucks that everyone's homeless, but I would give them $10 gift cards to McDonald's and that was. And I felt like that was better than giving my sandwich away.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, I do get that. Women homeless. If I see a dude who's homeless, I'm always like, the system is rigged for us. Like, as a dude, if you don't make it, we're literally playing bowling with the pins up. Not the pins, but the.

[Lauren]

The bar thing.

[Ari Matti]

The bar.

[Lauren]

I don't know what it's called, but I know what you're talking about. Bumpers.

[Ari Matti]

The bumpers. We're playing bowling with the bumpers up here. It's literally cheat codes on Grand Theft Auto.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Being a man and to make it is so easy.

[Lauren]

But women homeless, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

It's that motherly instinct that makes me really sad. Makes me really sad. In New York, you see those crazy moms with that, like they have a kid or something, you know, that's tugging on your. New York is like headliners of homeless people.

[Lauren]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

They're like the top tier because they have children who like pull your jacket, you know. But then your friend is like, no, no, she's gonna go behind the corner and sell it to a Mongolian gang or something. I don't know. It's always like a red.

[Lauren]

It's always a need, a break from the crowded stores and endless gift lists. Restore your Zen and embrace the natural power of hemp this holiday season with via. Whether you're enjoying a quiet evening at home or embracing the festive cheer, Via's premium THC and THC free gummies will help you find your perfect holiday balance. Via is well renowned for their award winning THC and THC free Free gummies and vapes, THCA flower soothing topicals and calming drops, all crafted with the highest quality hemp sourced from trusted independently owned American farms. Everyone here at YMH loves Via and I can't wait to try them myself once I pop this Baby out this holiday season, gift yourself some peace of mind. If you're 21 or older, check out the link to via in our description and use code date to receive 15% off after your purchase. They will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you this holiday season, enhance your everyday with via. This episode is brought to you by Dutch Bros. Get stoked for all the holly jolly vibes this season at Dutch Bros. Stay cozy with returning winter faves. Hazelnut truffle mocha and candy cane mocha. Plus the new winter Shimmer Rebel energy drink blends up sweet cream and blue raspberry flavor with soft top and shimmer springs to keep those spirits energized all winter long. Download the Dutch Bros app to find your nearest shop. Order ahead and start earning rewards. So we're gonna get into my appetizer questions. I have a few. A few questions here that you have questions. But I like to know where we stand on homeless people. That's always important, too. In the first 10 minutes of our conversation.

[Ari Matti]

Wish I could help them.

[Lauren]

Let's. Me too. Let's see.

[Ari Matti]

But I got a spot which. I could help them, but.

[Lauren]

Do you believe in astrology?

[Ari Matti]

No, I'm a guy.

[Lauren]

Okay, what was the last.

[Ari Matti]

Those astrology girls that are deep with the toe ring and.

[Lauren]

Yeah, that's how they're deep. Yeah. What about her nose ring?

[Ari Matti]

Oh, listen, if you have a nose ring, it's over. My tongue is going up that ass as soon as possible.

[Lauren]

You like the bad girls.

[Ari Matti]

It's not bad, but just.

[Lauren]

There's a wild side to someone with a nose ring.

[Ari Matti]

Or the. When the whole ear is all the way down. You know, when it's all like so many rings, you know, it looks like a metal piece of ring.

[Lauren]

You like that?

[Ari Matti]

I love that. And then this, this, this here.

[Lauren]

Oh, the.

[Ari Matti]

I love this. I love this.

[Lauren]

The bull nose ring.

[Ari Matti]

I love the bull. The bullnose ring. I will wear it as a keychain. I love the bull nose ring. Also the Playboy bunny here. You know the Playboy bunny here.

[Lauren]

What? What?

[Ari Matti]

You know, the little Playboy bunny here.

[Lauren]

I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about.

[Ari Matti]

The boys know, right?

[Lauren]

A Playboy Bunny.

[Ari Matti]

A Playboy bunny on your.

[Lauren]

On your bone. Yeah. There's like some pieces on your boner, like right here on your nose.

[Ari Matti]

I have no idea where it goes.

[Lauren]

Okay, okay. You're scaring me with the bone thing. Okay, so you like a Playboy Bunny nose ring. Okay. I thought they were Showing us picture. But they're not. There's just some like, weird. Oh, okay.

[Ari Matti]

You see that, that, that's what you like. If I see a Playboy bunny, it's over.

[Lauren]

Okay, so how do you feel about tattoos? Is this your fetish? Is this your, is this your thing?

[Ari Matti]

Tattoos?

[Lauren]

So tattooing, like a neck tattoo? This one.

[Ari Matti]

Barista in Las Vegas.

[Lauren]

God, you just like it when women ruin their life. Okay.

[Ari Matti]

And ruin mine. Please.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

My dream is literally when I'm sleeping. I open my eyes and my girlfriend's above me with a petroleum can. Just light me a fire. Yeah, ruin me. I love it. Let's just move to an apartment and go insane together. I love it.

[Lauren]

That's wild. Do you have tattoos?

[Ari Matti]

I have a couple, but they're not like, nothing big. I wish I fucking had a big. Fucking all over.

[Lauren]

Just engulfed in it.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, but in comedy it's like, it's just off putting when you have a neck tattoo. Oh, in Vegas there was a chick with a neck tattoo, just a crow and then she had the, you know, the eye tattoos.

[Lauren]

Oh my gosh, that was hot. Wow, that's so wild to me. That's great though.

[Ari Matti]

I love it.

[Lauren]

So do you. So there's like music that's associated with people like that, right? Like this gothic music?

[Ari Matti]

No, I don't give a. About the music. Really.

[Lauren]

You just like the physical image of like.

[Ari Matti]

No, tattoos are beautiful on a female body. And then the life choices, the trashier the tattoo, the more I have interest.

[Lauren]

Oh, I see. So you like a girl.

[Ari Matti]

Barbed wire here. Playboy bunny, Maybe some lower back tattoo.

[Lauren]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ari Matti]

I will sue you.

[Lauren]

Triple threat.

[Ari Matti]

Triple threat.

[Lauren]

Okay. There's a lot to unpack here. I really like it. Let's go to the main course question. Let's find out more about you. So knowing this, would you ever date a girl on OnlyFans?

[Ari Matti]

How's the money?

[Lauren]

The money's good.

[Ari Matti]

What's the money like? Tell me.

[Lauren]

The money is like minimum, minimum 30,000amonth for any, any girl that has.

[Ari Matti]

I will help you put the. Into the jars and we FedEx it to the guys. I will help you with the project. If it's 30 grand a month, I will help you. I will make. I will. I'll. Those black guys coming over to you, I'll welcome them like they do here. I'll give them coffee in the studio. I'll be like, welcome to. Welcome to.

[Lauren]

Yeah, you'll. You'll become a partner.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. Welcome to Ari Studios. Here go my wife. Before that, do you want some tea or something soothing for your throat? We have beetroot shoes.

[Lauren]

All right.

[Ari Matti]

It's a professional production. I'll have these boys over. They'll do sound. Yeah, yeah, we're going to, we're going to make money off that.

[Lauren]

What is the longest term relationship? The longest you've ever been with a girl? Turn.

[Ari Matti]

Like a year, two years, grown up, one year. Like grown up. If we go pre 23, you know, like children's. I think I was with a girl for two and a half years.

[Lauren]

Yeah, okay.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, but that's like children, you know, I want. I hated her eight months in, but I was too fucking autistic to leave her. So another two years and also you split the rent, which is, at 20 years old, necessary.

[Lauren]

Yeah. What is an absolute deal breaker for you?

[Ari Matti]

There's no deal breaker.

[Lauren]

No tattoos.

[Ari Matti]

No, no tattoos. If there's pussy. I mean, it's all about. I'm a vibe guy and I'm not like a player guy. Never been. I don't hang out with girls after shows really. But if I feel a vibe, I.

[Lauren]

Feel like you, like red flags. Like you.

[Ari Matti]

It's not really that, but if you're. If your nervous system in your brain chemistry keeps making mistakes. I want to be one of those mistakes.

[Lauren]

Well, I can assure you that a crow neck tattoo and the lines down.

[Ari Matti]

The eyes like you look like a cat. That is a red flag when you split that tongue.

[Lauren]

Have you seen that?

[Ari Matti]

I know it is pretty. It's a lot, but oh, man, it's not a physical thing, but a gal that walks into a tattoo parlor and goes, hey, look at my tongue.

[Lauren]

Let's don't show me.

[Ari Matti]

Let's. Let's just split my fucking tongue.

[Lauren]

Oh, gosh. I'd rather look at. I'd rather look at a live childbirth then look at that. And why do they have to like look happy? Ah, okay, okay. Ah. They used to like me here.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

So what are your turn offs in bed?

[Ari Matti]

In bed?

[Lauren]

Yeah. Does anything turn you off a dick?

[Ari Matti]

Okay, actually, I'll take that back. I'll take that back.

[Lauren]

You take that back.

[Ari Matti]

If you're like really hot, then the vibe is good.

[Lauren]

You could have a dick.

[Ari Matti]

No, I don't want the dick in me.

[Lauren]

Oh, okay.

[Ari Matti]

But I'll put it to the side.

[Lauren]

I thought you were saying that it was okay to have a dick.

[Ari Matti]

You know, it's 2026.

[Lauren]

Oh, definitely not 2026.

[Ari Matti]

So. So like, I think I'm like when you were saying before, you know, I think I'm too shy to go for my fantasies often. And my fantasy isn't the dick, but I think I'm just an Eastern European. Like I lived in Thailand where I used to backpack and there would be all these pretty guys, you know, I.

[Lauren]

Think that's where the prettiest ones are. Right.

[Ari Matti]

The best model is in Thailand, for sure.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Because a Thai guy, the lady boys, the ladyboy is literally a Thai man is built to be a woman. The transition ain't that.

[Lauren]

It's easy.

[Ari Matti]

It's easy.

[Lauren]

They do have nice figures.

[Ari Matti]

Try to transition one of like, try. Imagine making Ari Shafir a woman that's going to be a multi 7 million dollar.

[Lauren]

That gave me the worst visual in my.

[Ari Matti]

I know, right? It's such a hard transition.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Such a long transition. Bone structure, the length, the guy, the eyes, the nose. We have to do a lot of work.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

A Thai guy. Have you felt that like when. If you go to Thailand, feel the tuk tuk driver skin, it's literally the softest skin you've ever felt.

[Lauren]

You felt one.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, but I was, you know, social norms and all that. I think I'm the generation that's kind of lost in that fluidity of like what is a man and what is a woman? Because I've already been programmed so hard for me. There's such a big block there. But I think the generation after me will be much more open for that, you know?

[Lauren]

I see.

[Ari Matti]

I think so. Right.

[Lauren]

So like a girl can't do anything to turn you off and nothing.

[Ari Matti]

You can literally. I mean, if the vibe is off, then it's off.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I'm a guy who can't even get hard if the vibe is off. You could be the hottest girl ever. And I'm trying to fucking Mike Tyson myself.

[Lauren]

What is. How do you get the vibe? Right?

[Ari Matti]

It's.

[Lauren]

Is it like moody? Does it need to be like lighting and candles and music?

[Ari Matti]

It's the full. No, no. I could you in an alley if you're. If I want to you. It's not about. You can't put that into words. But there's like, there's a vibe that. That's why when people go, oh, do you like fat girls, skinny girls? I don't even see that. If there's a vibe or look in your eyes that were. We're vibing, you know?

[Lauren]

Huh.

[Ari Matti]

I love that.

[Lauren]

Do you do drugs?

[Ari Matti]

Sorry?

[Lauren]

Do you do drugs?

[Ari Matti]

No, but I smoke a little weed.

[Lauren]

A little weed.

[Ari Matti]

That's all I do. That's all I do.

[Lauren]

I don't believe you.

[Ari Matti]

I know everybody thinks I'm like a hard drug guy, but.

[Lauren]

No, it's not that you look like a drug guy. It's that you, you your mental like escape route and like it feels like it does feel.

[Ari Matti]

I get it.

[Lauren]

Like you love ecstasy.

[Ari Matti]

I know people do, always.

[Lauren]

Have you ever tried ecstasy?

[Ari Matti]

No. I don't know.

[Lauren]

Okay? I, I.

[Ari Matti]

No, I really haven't. I swear to God.

[Lauren]

You have not.

[Ari Matti]

No coke, no ecstasy. I've never done any substance. I've done the shroomy wooomis and I've put, put some weed in my mouth.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, in my dirty.

[Lauren]

But you did say you were hungover bad. So you like to drink?

[Ari Matti]

I love like a once a week get hammered and all the social anxieties go away. And yesterday there was a Puerto Rico girl at the bar and there was a little game going on, a little darting eyes.

[Lauren]

Okay. Did you take her home?

[Ari Matti]

No, I'm not, I'm not that guy.

[Lauren]

You're not that guy?

[Ari Matti]

I'm not that guy. What we did was we played a little game with our eyes. We talked a little. I made her giggle, like really giggle. You know where a girl goes stop.

[Lauren]

How did you make her giggles like this stop?

[Ari Matti]

But you don't stop.

[Lauren]

How did you make her giggle?

[Ari Matti]

Just I'm a funny guy. And then, and then I just went home and like jacked off thinking about her.

[Lauren]

Why didn't you try to take her home?

[Ari Matti]

When I get the, when I get the, the booth guys get me the booth. I get you too. The booth guys get me Lauren.

[Lauren]

Well, all you get right now is me, okay? I know a pregnant lady.

[Ari Matti]

I love a pregnant lady by the way. Love him.

[Lauren]

Did you know that I found out that pregnant women can get pregnant while pregnant?

[Ari Matti]

Wait, wait, wait. The baby get pregnant?

[Lauren]

Yeah. Like I could get pregnant while pregnant at a certain point in pregnancy.

[Ari Matti]

So it two babies.

[Lauren]

Or like I. Because I saw this tick tock that this girl like had a baby and was already pregnant again. She got pregnant before she gave birth. It's ice. This is. And then I looked it up and I was like, is this real? Yes. It's possible to get pregnant while already pregnant, but it's extremely rare. It is possible.

[Ari Matti]

Superfatation.

[Lauren]

Isn't that crazy? It's called super fitation. The medical term for getting pregnant while already pregnant is superfitation. And this girl on tick tock gave birth and was already pregnant again.

[Ari Matti]

That's when you got that powerful come. When the come gets to Your. And they're like, we're.

[Lauren]

You just have uterus.

[Ari Matti]

We're already full. And your cum is like, move over.

[Lauren]

God, that would be.

[Ari Matti]

Get the. Sit. Sit back down. Absolutely wild.

[Lauren]

How do you feel about open relationships?

[Ari Matti]

See, same thing. Let's go back to the same thing of the, you know, the societal norms. I think like my rational brain. My rational brain says that you don't own anybody and anything's possible. It's all a paradigm. But if you. My wife, I'll kill you, the cat and the guy.

[Lauren]

I just thought killing the cat was funny.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, but I'll kill everybody. Yeah, but I kill everybody. So the strangle you to death. Wait for it. Then I'll text with the guy to make him come back and fuck you. Then he comes in, door lock. He knows what's up. I'll strangle this guy.

[Lauren]

Oh, is that how you would do murder you?

[Ari Matti]

And then I'll act like nothing happened and I'll cry on television like, where's my wife? Please find my wife. Meanwhile, she's in a ditch.

[Lauren]

You're a good actor. So you would strangle someone just to.

[Ari Matti]

See the life leave?

[Lauren]

That's wild.

[Ari Matti]

No, but. But like, you're not joking.

[Lauren]

Hello.

[Ari Matti]

But that's kind of hot though. You think? I know. And by the way, I cheat on you, girl. Murder me.

[Lauren]

I would just.

[Ari Matti]

I would. If you. If you just stab me.

[Lauren]

I would ghost you. I'm a ghoster.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm a ghoster too.

[Lauren]

I exit and you never hear from me again.

[Ari Matti]

Jesus Christ.

[Lauren]

Some. I feel like sometimes it's such a nice exit.

[Ari Matti]

Oh yeah. I love ghosting.

[Lauren]

You know, I'm like, I'm not gonna ruin your life. I'm just gonna leave it.

[Ari Matti]

Absolutely. Like. But you were saying, like open relationship. But what do you think about this? I have a friend, he was with his love. With his love of his life for eight years. They went through a rough patch because they were the first love, you know, they're the first relationship, you know, when you start actually becoming a person. 23, 24, 25. With guys, it's like 38. But like, you know, you go through those ages and it's your first relationship. So that first actual struggle of. Is this actually going to be till the rest of our lives? So that rough patch where she kind of went off and fucked some soccer players, you know, some athletes, plural, maybe.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

And they could never get back together, even though he still loved her and she still loved him, because the paradigm of like, you know, guys Insecurity of, you know, like someone. My woman, you know, they can get over that. I would say, if I was in that position, I think my ego is strong enough to get over that. Maybe. Maybe. I think. At least I hope so.

[Lauren]

I just like hearing you say paradigm.

[Ari Matti]

Paradigm? Is that a word?

[Lauren]

Well, you say paradigm.

[Ari Matti]

Paradigma.

[Lauren]

I think it's fun.

[Ari Matti]

Thanks.

[Lauren]

I like that. What is the hardest word for you to say in English?

[Ari Matti]

The N word.

[Lauren]

That was great. For some people. That's really easy to say. And he's like, yup.

[Ari Matti]

So yeah, it flies off some people. It's like a fucking hello.

[Lauren]

So how do you feel about talking to your exes?

[Ari Matti]

The exes have a big problem with me. I don't have any problem with Texas.

[Lauren]

Why do they have a problem with you?

[Ari Matti]

I don't know. Sometimes people create like a thing in their head, like a war in their head, you know, that isn't really real.

[Lauren]

I'm gonna need you to elaborate.

[Ari Matti]

You know, like in my head. All good, baby. You know, like we just didn't vibe it. We didn't.

[Lauren]

Okay. Okay.

[Ari Matti]

And I'm such a. That I never really close the door either. I never had that final conversation.

[Lauren]

I just sort of wiggle away.

[Ari Matti]

I know.

[Lauren]

And then they feel like there's still a chance. Do you also.

[Ari Matti]

I'll. If I get drunk, all of my exes get a dm. Just so you know.

[Lauren]

Oh, really?

[Ari Matti]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Miss you, baby. Miss you so much. Everything's. My life is. I'm suicidal. Come back, baby, please. But that's only cuz I'm just in the mood.

[Lauren]

And then what happens? What happens?

[Ari Matti]

I'll literally send you a poem. A poem? In the 3am I'll send you a crazy poem. What is wrong with you? Love my life.

[Lauren]

Why?

[Ari Matti]

I don't know. It's just. I'm in that mood. I'm a little drunk. I miss you. I'm lonely.

[Lauren]

That's not okay.

[Ari Matti]

I know. I'm not saying it's okay. I'm saying I'm crazy. But some girls, also some exes know exactly how I am. So they just laugh with it and we all have a great time. I miss you, my angel. Oh my God. I love it. I love how mystified you are by me. I love it so much.

[Lauren]

Well, I feel like I'm talking to a very irrational, like Russian.

[Ari Matti]

I'm pretty crazy. Yeah.

[Lauren]

You know, like I can tell that there's really no predicting what you would do.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. But I think a lot of men feel like I do. They're just too scared to say it.

[Lauren]

I'm not sure that's true.

[Ari Matti]

Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a unique Simon.

[Lauren]

You seem fun, though.

[Ari Matti]

No, it's a great time. I'm hell and fun.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. It's like up and down. It's a fucking roller coaster out there.

[Lauren]

I see, I see. Do you have a celebrity crush?

[Ari Matti]

Let me think. Sydney Sweeney. Oh, no, Right now I was just thinking what's right now, because she's got those big fucking bubbles.

[Lauren]

But are they that big?

[Ari Matti]

They're big and they're cute and they're awesome and she has.

[Lauren]

They are cute. I give her boobs cute.

[Ari Matti]

And I don't even mean the actress. I mean some of the roles she's played in. Maybe she's such a convincing actress that also that look I was describing of like, you know, she kind of plays like a.

[Lauren]

Like, she's got nice boobs, but they're not that big. If you want to, like, see big boobs, there's like. There's a model that I follow on Instagram that has, like, the most beautiful boobs I've ever seen. And they're all natural. Her name's like Ella Scurvado or something like that. And she's incredible.

[Ari Matti]

Wow.

[Lauren]

Yeah. I'll show you her Instagram later. You can slide into her dms.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, sure. That's gonna work out.

[Lauren]

She doesn't have a crow neck tattoo, though.

[Ari Matti]

Well, we can make that.

[Lauren]

She would never. Okay, let's do my tasting menu. Are you ready?

[Ari Matti]

Well, what's that?

[Lauren]

You're gonna have to think fast, and you're gonna have to give me the first thing that comes to your mind.

[Ari Matti]

I. By the way, I've done this. This whole podcast, so don't you worry about that.

[Lauren]

Okay. Pizza or tacos?

[Ari Matti]

Pizza.

[Lauren]

Netflix Binge or outdoor adventure?

[Ari Matti]

Outdoor adventure.

[Lauren]

Roller coaster or Ferris wheel?

[Ari Matti]

Ferris wheel.

[Lauren]

Books or movies?

[Ari Matti]

I want to say books if I want to. You? Movies. Really?

[Lauren]

I know, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I'll say books if I want to.

[Lauren]

Doesn't that suck about books is. It's like you want to seem smart.

[Ari Matti]

But it's so hard.

[Lauren]

It is hard.

[Ari Matti]

We going to carry it around and read it?

[Lauren]

Cake or pie?

[Ari Matti]

Pie, for sure.

[Lauren]

Do you like cookies?

[Ari Matti]

Yes.

[Lauren]

What's a Russian dessert?

[Ari Matti]

I'm not Russian, by the way. You know I'm Estonian, right? And that's a crazy thing.

[Lauren]

I know, but you said that it was near Russia.

[Ari Matti]

Are you Dominican? Whoa.

[Lauren]

I feel like.

[Ari Matti]

What's your favorite dessert? But I checkerita. Or. What's that?

[Lauren]

Churro.

[Ari Matti]

You love churros. Yeah. Mexican bitch.

[Lauren]

Okay, so Estonia.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. It's a culture.

[Lauren]

Okay, whatever. What's an Estonian dessert?

[Ari Matti]

Well, the Rosie. These are all Soviet desserts still, because. Okay.

[Lauren]

It wouldn't have been so much more fun to just answer the question the first time.

[Ari Matti]

So it's all like, hungry, younger, and so it's like.

[Lauren]

You sound Russian. Does. Do people think you're Russian?

[Ari Matti]

Sadly, they do.

[Lauren]

I know.

[Ari Matti]

That's crazy. We don't have any good dessert. It's like. What. What's. What's that? Sweet.

[Lauren]

Yeah. You guys like sweet things?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. We have, like, sweetened milk on bread. That's all we get.

[Lauren]

Is that how all girls stay so skinny?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, we do have skinny ass girls.

[Lauren]

How in the world. Like, the Czech girls and stuff. They're just gorgeous.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. And we like. But we feed our women, too. Buckwheat potato cabbage. Like.

[Lauren]

Like once every few days or.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, I think that's the thing. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Yeah. I mean, that's not a.

[Ari Matti]

The environment is so toxic.

[Lauren]

Like, y'all aren't eating barbecue.

[Ari Matti]

Hello.

[Lauren]

What? Is. Is that the Terry Blacks barbecue shirt? You know, that's my boyfriend's favorite design. Do you want to know who that guy is? That guy's. That guy's name is Russell, and it was his uncle's best friend who passed away, like, two years ago.

[Ari Matti]

Oh.

[Lauren]

Well, not to be a Debbie Downer, but he loves that shirt, and he made that in memory of.

[Ari Matti]

Wow.

[Lauren]

Russell.

[Ari Matti]

Awesome.

[Lauren]

So anyway, Ode to Russell. Chocolate or vanilla?

[Ari Matti]

Chocolate. Every day.

[Lauren]

Do you eat chocolate every day?

[Ari Matti]

I can't even go to bed when there's chocolate around my house. All of it needs to go in my mouth.

[Lauren]

Does it really?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. You know, some people are like. They take like, one bite and they're like, save some for later. There's no way.

[Lauren]

Because you Russians really are deprived. High five or racial. High high five or fist bump?

[Ari Matti]

Fist bump. Fist bump. Fist bump.

[Lauren]

Do you think high fives are gay?

[Ari Matti]

Yes.

[Lauren]

That's what I thought I knew.

[Ari Matti]

And when we score, when we're two guys on Speedos and we score a goal in volleyball or what? I don't know.

[Lauren]

You belly bump.

[Ari Matti]

Then. Then. Then we can do a high five.

[Lauren]

Like this with an arch.

[Ari Matti]

I can only high five in sand.

[Lauren]

Huh?

[Ari Matti]

When I'm running around with my best friends.

[Lauren]

Okay. Do you have a lot of friends? No, I don't believe that.

[Ari Matti]

I have, like, seven friends. Seven or eight friends.

[Lauren]

That's a lot.

[Ari Matti]

That's yeah.

[Lauren]

Okay. Superheroes or villains?

[Ari Matti]

Villains.

[Lauren]

I knew it. That was such a stupid question. Do you prefer dying?

[Ari Matti]

All villains the best. And superheroes fuck like nerds.

[Lauren]

How do you know that?

[Ari Matti]

It's just. You can see it. Clark Kent is like.

[Lauren]

But he's Superman.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, but you can see he like. Are you okay? Do you need a pillow? You need a. You need a pillow.

[Lauren]

So which villain do you think the best?

[Ari Matti]

Well, Batman fucks good because he's got that. If you lose your parents, you're gonna. Like an animal.

[Lauren]

Okay, but he's not a villain.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, but he's like the hero. Not the hero.

[Lauren]

I think you just like him because he wears all black.

[Ari Matti]

He was all black.

[Lauren]

And he wears makeup and he's got the things and the ears. Like. I can tell that you like Batman from the tattoo conversation that we had earlier.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, it's an emo thing. Yeah, Batman is a bit of an emo, but villains can, you know, imagine.

[Lauren]

So which villain do you think has name one?

[Ari Matti]

Any James Bond villain.

[Lauren]

What about Venom then?

[Ari Matti]

Oh, my God. He's gonna shoot you with a crossbow.

[Lauren]

Why?

[Ari Matti]

Like, it's the fetish, you know? He's gonna tie you up.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. He's gonna pick a hole.

[Lauren]

Okay. Poor Venom.

[Ari Matti]

Venom, definitely like a.

[Lauren]

Do you like to FaceTime?

[Ari Matti]

No. Yeah, I hate it. I hate it. I hate calls FaceTime. I hate everything.

[Lauren]

How do you feel when someone sends you like a really long voice memo instead of never listening?

[Ari Matti]

I never even listen to voice memo. Get the fuck out of here, dude. I hate voicemails. Yeah, chicks love a fucking two minute voice memo. The hell? No rehearsal either. Just straight off the top of your dome. If I send a voice memo, it's the eighth one that's coming with a premeditated timing. And the point. My voice message literally look like a piece of art. Looks like the master mix. You can put it. You can put it out as an album. Did my voice memos are done, dude. It's been voice compressed. I ran it through Audacity Garageband. Garage Band.

[Lauren]

You've mixed it and mastered it?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, chicks are just walking, you know, just literally talking to the priest. Yeah, I'll have a vanilla oatmeal latte. So anyway. What? Anyway.

[Lauren]

Do you like pancakes or waffles?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, pancakes. Because waffles wasn't my thing. Really?

[Lauren]

Too German, is it?

[Ari Matti]

I guess it is German.

[Lauren]

Theme park or water park?

[Ari Matti]

Who am I going with?

[Lauren]

A girl?

[Ari Matti]

Water park. Water park. Water park. Oh, because it's the.

[Lauren]

Yeah, you don't need to. You don't need to.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, yeah, we get it. The pussy's morale.

[Lauren]

Do you like it when a girl. You look like the kind of guy that likes a fat pussy. You know what I mean? I can tell Lauren you're not looking for some.

[Ari Matti]

Let me tell you right now, fucked.

[Lauren]

Up, cute porn star pussy. You like the fat?

[Ari Matti]

I need you to piss in my mouth. I love fat. I love like a healthy. I love like thick knees.

[Lauren]

God, it's like I just gave this to you.

[Ari Matti]

I love thick knees. I love like a sweaty, thick knee. They have the healthiest. You know when she's on her stomach and there's the a. You know, there's the ass crack and then there's the. The. Oh, my God. There's like the aim and my nose is going right up there. I love the. Oh, my God. Love a fat pussy. How'd you nail that?

[Lauren]

I don't know. I saved it for last. So for my dessert question. What is the most. I know. And this is going to be very interesting coming from you, so. What is. Because this is been.

[Ari Matti]

We want fat.

[Lauren]

You know, my theme song should have just been Macaroni in a pot.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, I'll feed you a bolognese and then eat you out.

[Lauren]

Do you know that macaroni in a pot, when you stir it smell or sounds like wet fat.

[Ari Matti]

Wet fat. Like the healthy. Yeah. Skinny doesn't sound like that. Dry like a rice cake. Skinny chicks. It's like you swallowed cinnamon. You're like this skinny chick. You're like this dude, a fat chicks. You're like in a water park. You're like a. You're like a kid when you run through sprinkles. You're like this.

[Lauren]

Okay, so what is. What is the. This is gonna be? I'm so curious to hear you answer this. What is the most romantic thing you've ever done for a girl?

[Ari Matti]

I'm sure I've done something.

[Lauren]

I'm sure there's got to be something in there good.

[Ari Matti]

No, but I mean. No, I do day. I'm cute. I do dates. Let me think. We started talking about fat. I'm gone. You know?

[Lauren]

Yeah. Take your time.

[Ari Matti]

Jesus Christ. It's like I've done some stuff, you know? What did I do? I don't know.

[Lauren]

I. I don't know.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Lauren]

Flowers.

[Ari Matti]

No, of course. I mean, flowers included in the package.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Massage.

[Ari Matti]

The massage is gonna let. When guys give massage. We give the worst massages.

[Lauren]

You know, because you're trying to get to have sex. Like, you're just trying to get to the sex party.

[Ari Matti]

I know. If I give you a massage, ETA three minutes.

[Lauren]

God, why is that?

[Ari Matti]

I know, it's crazy.

[Lauren]

Why is that? If a girl gives a guy massage, it is 45 minutes. We put our backs into it. We want to make you feel good. If a guy gives a girl a.

[Ari Matti]

Massage, it's like, you know, when you do, like, you.

[Lauren]

You suffering through all three minutes.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

So this is the hardest part of the podcast. You have to think of something that you've done that's like the most romantic thing for a girl.

[Ari Matti]

I don't know. I'm just blanking right now. I mean, I've been cool, right?

[Lauren]

You've done very cool.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, I've done like, dude, maybe I'm a bit of a hack, I guess.

[Lauren]

A what?

[Ari Matti]

A hack.

[Lauren]

A hack.

[Ari Matti]

Because I, like, take you to nice restaurants, we go for a walk. I like. I don't usually on the first date, you know?

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Because we're not as thirsty for it, you know, Like, I will. I know. When you beg for it, you know? Oh, I love that.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, like, if we're gonna. I love you putting on like a two month, like a waiting list.

[Lauren]

Oh, really?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. I love that. Because then the tension.

[Lauren]

Okay, yeah, we'll switch the question for you. How about, sorry, I suck. No, it's okay. You just. You only suck on pussy. From what it sounds like.

[Ari Matti]

I love that he asked.

[Lauren]

Let's say that one of your seven close guy friends gives you a call.

[Ari Matti]

Jesus Christ.

[Lauren]

Okay, he's having a terrible day. The girl of his dreams just left him, and you need to give him some pick me up advice. What do you tell him?

[Ari Matti]

Does he want to get back with the girl, though?

[Lauren]

I think he's just focused. This just happened. He doesn't even know. He's distraught.

[Ari Matti]

He's shell shocked.

[Lauren]

He's shell shocked.

[Ari Matti]

Shell shocked, yes.

[Lauren]

How do you lift him up? What do you say?

[Ari Matti]

That. That stupid.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

There's plenty of more dumb.

[Lauren]

But that's not enough. That's not enough for him. He's like, seriously, like, needs to meet up and have a drink. And you guys are so you guys are talking.

[Ari Matti]

We smoke some weed.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

I. I say good, positive stuff. We watch maybe a Rocky movie.

[Lauren]

A Rocky movie? You're gonna watch a movie?

[Ari Matti]

Rocky 4 when he makes the comeback, you know?

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

And then if you want, I can order some whores for us.

[Lauren]

I knew that was coming.

[Ari Matti]

I'm not a Big prostitute guy, too scared. But for my friend.

[Lauren]

Anything for your friend.

[Ari Matti]

Anything for my friend.

[Lauren]

Would you just not go to a strip club?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, see, that's a good one, too. In America, I would. In Estonia, strip clubs are all, like, owned by Albanian gangsters. And there's a, you know, like a Ukrainian woman with no passport on stage. It's not exactly, like, a great vibe. I don't really buy women. I don't sell organs. You know, I'm not into that business.

[Lauren]

I see. Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

If you're like Mr. Tate, then you can go ahead, you know, sell the women and have fun. Everybody is.

[Lauren]

Everybody wins.

[Ari Matti]

Everybody's entitled to have fun however they have. If you sell prostitutes, that's your. Your business.

[Lauren]

Okay, so let's just dial it back for a second.

[Ari Matti]

So an American strip club I love. It's like a very positive.

[Lauren]

So you're so. The way you lift someone up is you get their mind off of whatever they're going through by looking at another naked chick.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. Or if. If I feel like. If I feel like you need it, maybe we, like, go to her house at night and we just.

[Lauren]

We just slash our tires.

[Ari Matti]

We slash our tire and we lurk out there for three or four days until maybe a guy comes by or something.

[Lauren]

Oh.

[Ari Matti]

And then we. Fucking human centipede. For my friend.

[Lauren]

If it's my good friend, totally anything for your friend.

[Ari Matti]

I will commit surgery on people for my friend and tie them together.

[Lauren]

I can see why you don't have a super romantic story to tell me.

[Ari Matti]

Fuck, I wish I could. Wish you did, because it's gonna look bad. I'm actually. No, I am a romantic, and I'm not, like, some animal, but just maybe I really haven't done anything. I've done, like, trips. I've done, like, trips. Like, trips. I'll tell you, like, tomorrow. Pack your back, get your passport, and then I'm not telling you where we go until we get to the airport and we go to, like, Barcelona for a week and we just suck. And in the. In the hotel and I take you out to nice restaurants, I take you to a nice sunset. Eat your ass. One time, I took a girl to. One time, I took a girl to Paris for three days, and I just kept eating her and she kept blowing me, and we never. That's crazy. It just never happened. It was just.

[Lauren]

That's crazy.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

When you do something, like, really romantic, outside of what you do with your mouth, I want you to reach out to me and tell me that you've. What you did.

[Ari Matti]

Okay, but isn't the trip romantic? Like, what's. Okay. What's the most romantic thing that guy has done to you? Yeah, there's a lot. I bet, right?

[Lauren]

There are, yeah. Yeah. And it usually ends in sex. I have to agree.

[Ari Matti]

Well, yeah, but that's also romantic. Why not?

[Lauren]

It is romantic.

[Ari Matti]

Some girls are angry at me if I don't them later. You know, they write to me. Like a text to me. Angry.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

I think I'm better at doing romantic things, though. Like, I'm better at giving than guys are. So I think that I win the awards on, like, the most romantic things I've done.

[Ari Matti]

What have you done?

[Lauren]

One time for Valentine's Day, I hung these big black curtains in our kitchen so that whenever he came home, he had to, like, come in the kitchen and, like, remove the blinds. We had, like, this archway. It was really cool. Anyway, when you spread the blinds, you came in, and I was laying naked on the table, and I had these giant banana leaves all over me, and I put sushi all across me. I don't eat fish, but I was dinner. Like, I was the plate that it was served on. And so I had, like, all this stuff, like, set up and so he could come in, and then he got to have a meal in peace. I didn't even talk Holy. And he just ate off all the sushi off me. Oh, that was pretty romantic. That's kind of basic.

[Ari Matti]

More than romance. No, no, it's not basic. It's more than romantic. That's like a. It's like a brasser's video. But did he, like, eat?

[Lauren]

He ate it all.

[Ari Matti]

And he ate in silence or like, he did.

[Lauren]

I didn't really talk. I was. I was, like, trying to be Asian.

[Ari Matti]

Wow. One time I played video games. One time I played video games and I was dating a girl who really, like, sick. Why is it funny? It is funny, but I don't even know why. And we were, like, sexually exploring each other, and she had, like, a dominating thing, you know? So what she did was she got naked as well and went to the bedroom and was on her knees just waiting for me. She loved the thought that I'm playing my little video games, and when I get done, then I fuck the shit out of her.

[Lauren]

Cool. All right, Cool. Well, this has been very fun.

[Ari Matti]

It's been pretty crazy, huh?

[Lauren]

It has been crazy. Thank you for coming on and sharing.

[Ari Matti]

This is why I love podcasts, because it's the first time we've ever even talked, had a proper conversation.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

And you had no idea how off the rails I am.

[Lauren]

I know. Now.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

But I'd still love to have you back.

[Ari Matti]

Of course. Yeah. When you. Maybe when you have the baby.

[Lauren]

Yeah. And I get. And I'm.

[Ari Matti]

That's crazy. I didn't have no idea you're pregnant. But then again, you were me. Because I met you at Creek and they came and you were around. I saw you, like, multiple times around doing spots, and then they haven't seen you. And I thought, what. What's going on? But that's what you've been up to. Just.

[Lauren]

I got knocked up.

[Ari Matti]

Got knocked up. That's crazy.

[Lauren]

Yeah. But we're almost there. We've got three more months to go.

[Ari Matti]

Huh.

[Lauren]

And then I.

[Ari Matti]

Is it nine months?

[Lauren]

Three? It's actually just a little under 10. It's 40 weeks.

[Ari Matti]

Oh.

[Lauren]

So.

[Ari Matti]

Wow.

[Lauren]

Three months. Ish to go.

[Ari Matti]

Wow.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

That's wild.

[Lauren]

Where can people find you?

[Ari Matti]

On my Instagram.

[Lauren]

What is that?

[Ari Matti]

It's Ari Maddie. Comedy. A R I M A T T I Comedy.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Super easy.

[Lauren]

And do you have any tour dates.

[Ari Matti]

Coming up when this is coming out? You know what? Just follow the Instagram. And then I'm doing Denver Comedy Works. I'm doing Somewhere in January.

[Lauren]

Okay, cool.

[Ari Matti]

That's awesome. Yeah. Thanks for having me on, Lauren.

[Lauren]

All right. Thank you for coming on my show. You guys. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date Baby, are you really drinking? Drinking a glass of milk with dinner. You told your mom about me? Delete my number. Thursday, your parents are your roommates Thursday.