First Date LIVE! w/ Chris Distefano and Joe DeRosa | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

First Date LIVE! with Chris Distefano and Joe DeRosa | First Date with Lauren Compton

Host: Lauren Compton
Guests: Joe DeRosa, Chris Distefano
Contestants: Scott Fillmore, Miles Johnson, Aya, Christina Mariani, Chris G, CJ Landry
Release Date: October 22, 2024

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Introduction

Lauren Compton kicks off the episode with a vibrant introduction to First Date LIVE!, emphasizing the show's unique blend of humor and dating insights. She outlines the format where local comedians compete in various challenges to determine their dateability, using red and green flags to signal their audience's approval or disapproval.

Lauren (00:00): "This is the third First Date live that we are doing... We’re gonna find out who's the most dateable."

Meet the Hosts

Joe DeRosa and Chris Distefano join Lauren as celebrity facilitators. The trio engages in playful banter, setting a lighthearted and comedic tone for the evening.

Joe DeRosa (02:19): "I like women... I downloaded Grindr."

Chris Distefano (02:33): "Love homemade taco kits so much."

Contestant Introductions

Scott Fillmore (06:00 – 08:08)

Scott Fillmore introduces himself, sharing his background from Wisconsin and his experience with the Mormon faith. He humorously mentions his presence on Grindr and his interests in cooking and opera singing.

Scott (06:22): "I grew up in Wisconsin. I was raised Mormon..."

Lauren (07:50): "Are you on Grindr?"

Miles Johnson (13:29 – 20:09)

Miles Johnson presents himself as a "low key, jacked" comedian from Texas. He showcases his physical fitness and discusses his casual approach to relationships, mentioning his guilty pleasures and hobbies.

Miles (13:40): "I'm from Texas... doing stand up comedy."

Lauren (17:17): "My guilty pleasure? Just doing a bunch of Adderall..."

First Challenge: Smoothness Test (20:09 – 24:03)

Challenge: Contestants Miles and Scott attempt to "pick up" Chris dressed as a hot girl using their best pick-up lines.

Scott wins the challenge with his energetic and humorous approach, earning more green flags from the audience.

Miles (21:14): "What's up, sugar tits?"

Scott (23:00): "He looked like he was in Deliverance."

Lauren (24:03): "Miles, thank you for playing. Scott, you move forward."

Additional Contestants

Aya (25:59 – 32:44)

Aya introduces herself as a dog lover with a Muslim background. She shares her experiences with relationships and her cautious approach due to cultural expectations.

Aya (26:05): "I like dogs... I used to breed Dobermans."

Lauren (30:04): "Have you farted in front of him yet?"

Christina Mariani (33:24 – 39:15)

Christina Mariani talks about her life in Stockton, California, her talent for playing the accordion, and her experiences in stand-up comedy. She participates in a rock-themed karaoke session later in the episode.

Christina (34:00): "I play the accordion... I do stand up."

Lauren (35:49): "Do you sing karaoke?"

Second Challenge: General Knowledge Quiz (40:00 – 45:31)

Challenge: Contestants Christina and Aya face a buzzer-based quiz covering topics like hygiene frequency and psychological traits.

Christina outperforms Aya with accurate answers, earning her the green flag and advancing in the competition.

Lauren (41:46): "What is the average length of an erect penis in the U.S.?"

Christina (42:41): "Narcissism."

Final Challenge: Taco-Making Showdown (55:00 – 70:30)

Challenge: Contestants Chris G and CJ Landry create tacos under the pressure of simulated pregnancy contractions. CJ emerges victorious by crafting a more appealing taco, as judged by Joe DeRosa.

Chris G (54:28): "Where are you guys from? Oh, yeah, I'm way better."

CJ Landry (57:43): "I like making gumbo and stuff..."

Lauren (69:51): "Which one was better? That one."

Grand Finale: Karaoke Competition (70:30 – 79:20)

Final Performances:

• Scott Fillmore delivers an impressive rendition of "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy, earning praise for his comedic and musical skills.

  Scott (73:01): "Honey came in and she called me red handed..."

• Christina Mariani performs "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas with enthusiasm and humor.

  Christina (74:37): "What you gonna do with all that junk..."

• CJ Landry sings "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly, showcasing surprising vocal talent.

  CJ (75:17): "I believe I can fly..."

Lauren and Joe DeRosa deliberate and ultimately crown CJ Landry as the most dateable contestant based on his performance and overall demeanor.

Lauren (78:47): "Congratulations, CJ."

Joe DeRosa (79:12): "First date!"

Conclusion

Lauren Compton wraps up the episode by thanking all participants and highlighting the competitive yet entertaining nature of the show. She invites the audience to stay tuned for future episodes filled with more laughs and dating revelations.

Lauren (79:16): "First date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner?"

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Notable Quotes

• Lauren (02:05): "You're gonna have to wave a green flag if you like someone... and a red flag if they suck."
• Scott (16:15): "I do speak Russian, which is fun."
• CJ Landry (57:53): "I'm pro abortion, by the way."
• Chris G (54:28): "Where are you guys from? Oh, yeah, I'm way better."
• Chris G (57:43): "I like making gumbo and stuff."

Insights & Highlights

• Humorous Dynamics: The interactions between Lauren, Joe, and Chris are filled with sharp humor and playful teasing, setting an engaging and lively atmosphere.

• Diverse Contestants: The show features a variety of contestants with unique backgrounds and personalities, adding depth and variety to the competition.

• Challenges Highlighting Dateability: Each challenge—from pick-up lines to cooking—aims to reveal contestants' quirks, strengths, and red flags, providing viewers with entertaining yet insightful perspectives on what makes someone a good date.

• Karaoke as a Final Showdown: The grand finale leverages karaoke to showcase contestants' confidence and charisma, serving as a final litmus test for their dateability.

Conclusion

First Date LIVE! successfully blends comedy with the complexities of dating, offering an entertaining exploration of relationships through the lens of local comedians. With its interactive format, engaging challenges, and candid conversations, the episode provides both laughs and relatable insights for anyone navigating the wild ride of dating.

Transcript

[Lauren]

This episode is brought to you by Dutch Bros. Big smiles, rocking tunes, and epic drinks. Dutch Bros. Is all about you. Choose from a variety of customizable handcrafted beverages like our Rebel energy drinks, coffees, teas and more. Download the Dutch Bros app for a free medium drink. Plus, find your nearest shop, order ahead and start earning rewards offer valid for new app users only. Free medium drink reward upon registration, 14 day expiration terms apply. See Dutchbros.com I'm so excited to see you tonight. First date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. I'm so excited to be here tonight. This is the third First Date live that we are doing, and for those of you who haven't been here, I'll give you a little rundown. So I've hand selected six really, really funny local comics who are going to come out and we're going to ask them a bunch of questions. We're going to find out what their quirks are, what their charms are, their habits, their red flags, their green flags, and then we're going to put them up through a series of different challenges, and we're going to find out who's the most dateable. And you guys have red flags and green flags on your tables. So throughout the show, I'm gonna turn to you guys and I need your help. So you're gonna have to wave a green flag if you like someone, if they're on a good track, if they're, like, good to go, and if they fucking suck, you're gonna wave your red flags. And so, to help me with this, as two of my guest celebrity facilitators, give it up for Joe derosa and Chriss.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes.

[Lauren]

All right, so both of you guys have been on the podcast, and Chrissy, I guess we'll just start with you first.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Lauren]

I thought the podcast was great because we actually got to find out for the very first time that you're not gay.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right? Yeah. Don't girls have a. I honestly don't. I think girls can have whatever they want to have. I like girls.

[Lauren]

So good to know. What a way to open up this episode of First Date, knowing that you're not gay.

[Joe DeRosa]

I wanted to say to the camera that I like women. No matter what you see on the Internet and no matter what you see on Grindr, I like women.

[Lauren]

So we're still not gay, right?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. I mean, God, I hate myself. No. Yeah. Not gay. And. But I do. I think I did download Grindr.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I have it. Who cares?

[Lauren]

How's that going for You.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's good. I matched with Joe DeRosa.

[Lauren]

Joe, you've also been on the podcast and we can never forget about the time you tried to convince us that taco kits were real.

[Chris]

I love homemade taco kits so much.

[Lauren]

Where do you get a taco kit?

[Chris]

The supermarket.

[Lauren]

Why am I so. No. When you go to the table.

[Chris]

You said that with such a tude.

[Lauren]

No, because you go to the market and you buy the beef and then you buy the taco shell and you buy the lettuce and all that and you do it yourself.

[Chris]

You're familiar with cooking, right? Wait a minute.

[Lauren]

I'm just.

[Chris]

So I'm about to red flag you on your own show.

[Lauren]

No, this is.

[Chris]

I don't want a second date, but here you are. Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

John, I hate you in jean shorts.

[Chris]

I was drinking in a bar 20 minutes before that. I was like, oh, my God, I forgot. I said I would do Lauren's podcast and I ran down. I was wearing cut offs.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I forgot.

[Lauren]

That's so Ari Shafir of you.

[Chris]

Yeah, but you're really clinging to this, like, taco kid thing. Like it's. It's a real thing.

[Lauren]

Are taco kits a red flag or a green flag? A red flag. Are taco kits. They're not real. Has anyone. This is such a mishmash.

[Joe DeRosa]

We know. I guess we know which one of yous want to close the border. Feels like anyone with the red flag. We know who you're voting for.

[Lauren]

I've still never seen a taco kit.

[Chris]

You have what you have. You go into the store and there's like. It'll be like Ortega taco kit. It's the shells and the sauce and the se seasoning in a box. That's what a taco kit is.

[Lauren]

A kit has everything you need in it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes.

[Lauren]

Like a medical kit without a band.

[Chris]

Aid that doesn't have everything you need.

[Lauren]

Yeah, that's not a kit.

[Chris]

There's a lot you don't need that.

[Lauren]

You need some band aids.

[Joe DeRosa]

The only thing you have to do with the taco kit is buy whatever you want to put in. Like the meat, right?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

You gotta buy the meat and the lettuce and the tomatoes and the sour cream. How is a taco kit without any of that a kid at all? Do you guys see what I'm saying?

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[Chris]

No.

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, but first of all, it's impossible.

[Chris]

To package all of those things together. One of the things would spoil. They rot at different times. You can't. Everything can't be fully packaged. Everything can't be.

[Lauren]

So call it a kit. Whatever. I'm so over this, Joe, all right? This is not about you and your stupid made up taco kits. Chris, I can't believe you're even on his side. You're so gay. We are gonna bring out our guests tonight. We're gonna bring out our very first contestant. You guys have me like, I'm shaking. I'm so mad over the stupid taco kit thing. It's so fake. Okay, our first contestant that is coming out for his challenge, he's a local comedian. He wrote his bio, but I can't read that. I don't want to get canceled.

[Joe DeRosa]

What? You can't see over your tits?

[Lauren]

Yeah. His name is Scott.

[Joe DeRosa]

Which one? Which one?

[Lauren]

The very first one. Scott. Read his bio.

[Joe DeRosa]

Scott Fillmore. Our first contestant tells his dad he's straight, but all his friends knows he's a big fat.

[Chris]

Oh, my God. They wrote the whole work.

[Scott]

Yep.

[Joe DeRosa]

Welcome to Austin.

[Lauren]

Welcome, Scott Millmore.

[Scott]

All right, somebody had to say it. Come on, altogether faggot.

[Lauren]

Scott, tell me a little bit about yourself.

[Scott]

I grew up in Wisconsin. I was raised Mormon, and I.

[Joe DeRosa]

You do kind of look like Scott Avery from Making a Murderer a little bit. Is it Sean? What's his name? Is it Scott?

[Scott]

I don't know.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, you do. You look like the murderer guy.

[Scott]

Cool.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, yeah, you do. You are a catty gay guy.

[Lauren]

Scott, what's your guilty pleasure? Taco Kids.

[Scott]

Yeah, Taco Kids, baby. You extra sauce.

[Joe DeRosa]

No. You don't like the taco?

[Scott]

You don't know me, dude. I contain multitudes. I'm a very complicated guy.

[Lauren]

Are you on Grindr?

[Scott]

I am on Grindr, yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

There you go, dude. Good for you.

[Scott]

Chris, great to see you again.

[Chris]

Are you on it? Are you on Grindr? Cause it's the name of a sandwich.

[Scott]

More of a hoagie guy, but.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, you from Philly?

[Scott]

No, but I do always come in. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes. All right, good.

[Scott]

Yeah. But, yeah, guilty pleasure, I guess. You know, food, cock, the whole thing.

[Lauren]

Okay. Whatever you can choke down.

[Scott]

Yep. Just trying to get filled up, you know?

[Lauren]

Do you have any hidden talents?

[Scott]

Yeah, I play violin. I sing opera sometimes.

[Joe DeRosa]

What?

[Scott]

I speak Russian, which is fun. Those are Russians. A red flag. No, I work for the CIA. Against Russia. It's. You know.

[Lauren]

If you were going to go on a date and you were taking someone out, where is your second stop?

[Chris]

Subway.

[Scott]

I don't really do second dates. If I'm being honest. We get it all out in the first one. No, I, I, I like to cook. So I probably bring him over and cook for him. And I'm a snuggler. We'll watch a movie.

[Joe DeRosa]

There you go.

[Scott]

Pretty chill.

[Lauren]

Have you been gay your whole life?

[Scott]

You know, I crunched the numbers on it. I did the math, I looked at all the charts, and I just felt like it was the best decision for me economically and nice.

[Lauren]

How long into a relationship until you say I love you?

[Scott]

Ooh. I've only ever said I love you to one person, and that was after a year of dating.

[Joe DeRosa]

So.

[Lauren]

Okay, but is that a red flag?

[Scott]

No, I only say it when I mean it. I only say it when I need it.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's it.

[Scott]

I'm not gonna lie to somebody.

[Chris]

Yeah, that's good. That's great.

[Joe DeRosa]

I think it's good.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Joe has never told anyone that he loves them.

[Chris]

I told one person. She turned out to be a lunatic, and I never did it again. You know, you don't repeat mistakes.

[CJ]

Same.

[Joe DeRosa]

I say it immediately. I say it day one. I just. I'm a very in the moment guy. I'm just. I go with it. I'm in love with you, and that's how it is, and I don't regret it.

[Scott]

I did say I love you too. My fiance, she was a woman back when I was at byu. That was a lie.

[Joe DeRosa]

There you go.

[Scott]

But, yeah, since then I learned my lesson.

[Lauren]

Okay, and you don't believe in monogamy, right?

[Chris]

It's not that I don't believe in it. I just. It's not natural. And I don't understand why. Well, I guess nowadays everybody's kind of exploring non monogamy with a thousand terms. I don't understand that. I see on dating apps, you know, girls are matching with me on dating apps and their profile says queer. And I called a friend, I go, why is it? Why are queer women matching with me? And she said, oh, queer can mean you fuck the opposite sex people. What are we doing? What does anything mean? Any. I don't understand.

[Joe DeRosa]

What is autosexual? I saw that one recently. What is that one?

[Lauren]

Autosexual.

[Joe DeRosa]

Autosexual. Do anybody know? What does that mean?

[Scott]

It's. You're in love with yourself.

[CJ]

Oh, I.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay, I thought you're familiar. Yeah, I thought.

[Lauren]

Give it up for Scott.

[Chris]

Nice work.

[Lauren]

All right, Scott.

[Joe DeRosa]

Rainbow.

[Lauren]

Scott, I'm going to have you stick around. Just step backstage. We're going to bring. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like Alo or skims, sure. You think about a great product, a Cool brand and brilliant marketing. But an often overlooked secret is actually the business that is making selling simple for millions of businesses. That's Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify. And the not so secret secret with shop pay that boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going. So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. I love Shopify because it's so easy to use and their customer service is brilliant. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout alo or skims does sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.comdate all lowercase go to shopify.comdate to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.comdate There are some things in life that are okay to be a total crapshoot. Like trying a new type of milk in your coffee. But finding the right doctor shouldn't be a total crapshoot. And with ZocDoc, it's not. Because you've got more options than you know. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every speciality from mental health to dental health, eye care to skincare, and so much more. Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. ZocDoc is so easy to use. Every time I have to book an appointment, I just use them because it's just so convenient. So stop putting off those doctor appointments and go to Zocdoc.comdate to find and instantly book a top rated Doctor today. That's z o c-o c.com/zocdoc.com Date Our next contestant to the stage, this guy is low key, jacked and can sing a little. Give it up for Miles Johnson.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right. What's up, bro?

[Chris]

What?

[Miles]

Hello.

[Lauren]

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

[Miles]

Oh, me? I'm a. I'm a cool guy.

[Lauren]

A little more than that.

[Miles]

Like a biographical. Biographically. Right. I'm from Texas. Oh, green flags. I'm from Texas. I've lived here for, for my whole darn life. Yeah, Just went to school. Did school, didn't like that. I didn't like school. Yeah. And now I'm. Yeah, doing stand up comedy. And I'm a door Guy over at the. The old mother. The old mothership.

[Lauren]

Nice. It's. You say that you're low key, jacked. How many push ups can you do?

[Miles]

Shit. Shit, man. How. How high can you count?

[Lauren]

Oh, can we see like 10?

[Miles]

Oh, yeah, sure. Which way should.

[Lauren]

Which way for the missionary?

[Miles]

Oh, oh, like I'm doing missionary.

[Lauren]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Wow. Give it up for Miles.

[Joe DeRosa]

Can you do that? You do 40? Good for you. Good job, huh? That was good.

[Miles]

Oh, thanks, bro. I'm a big fan. I got nervous in the green room.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, thank you. Oh, for me? Yeah. Really? You should have been nervous around Scott.

[Miles]

Oh, yeah.

[Lauren]

Miles, do you know the names of everyone that you've slept with?

[Miles]

Of course. They're all precious angels in my memory.

[Lauren]

How many long term relationships have you been in?

[Miles]

Two.

[Lauren]

Okay. That's why you remember everyone's names.

[Miles]

Well, I've had some, you know, some nights of romance, you know, it's not all been just long term. There's been some, you know, nights of romance and pleasure and.

[Lauren]

Are you straight?

[Miles]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Or queer. Are you like queer on the apps?

[Miles]

No, I'm straight.

[Joe DeRosa]

Are you an autosexual?

[Miles]

What does that mean?

[Joe DeRosa]

I still actually don't know.

[Miles]

You jerk off a lot or something?

[Joe DeRosa]

I guess I thought it was that you fucked auto mechanics. I didn't know.

[Miles]

Oh, shit, man. Maybe.

[Lauren]

Do you get jealous easily?

[Miles]

I think I used to, but now I'm. I've matured and. No, I don't.

[Lauren]

You seem too mature.

[Miles]

Too mature?

[Lauren]

When's the last time you really let loose and had fun?

[Miles]

Last time I let loose and had fun. I'm having fun right now.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Miles]

I let my hair down every now and again, go out with the girls.

[Lauren]

What's your guilty pleasure?

[Miles]

My guilty pleasure? Just. Just doing a bunch of Adderall. Stay up seven hours. Gooning.

[Lauren]

Now we're getting somewhere.

[Chris]

Wait, what do you do? Stay upset? Seven hours? You can't stay awake for seven hours without Adderall. Yeah. What's gooning though?

[Miles]

You don't know gooning? You never heard of this?

[Chris]

That's why I said what is Cooning.

[Miles]

You're going to love this.

[Chris]

Yeah, it's okay.

[Miles]

It just. It's jerking off that's gooning. Have you heard of this?

[Joe DeRosa]

I thought I was being an autosexual.

[Miles]

I think autosexual means you're love your own penis.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right. But you're on Adderall right now.

[Miles]

No, no.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was gonna say you sound like you're acting like you're on fentanyl?

[Scott]

No.

[Miles]

No, no. Oh, man. I'm just a. I'm just a guy, man.

[Joe DeRosa]

So are we.

[Miles]

Shit.

[Lauren]

Do you. Do you have allergies?

[Miles]

Yes.

[Lauren]

Like bad?

[Miles]

No.

[Lauren]

Okay, you're just normal.

[Miles]

Also, look, he jacked. I don't know if you call that. I don't know if you call that normal.

[Lauren]

Yeah, no, I don't think you call that normal. Do you guys have any other questions for him?

[Chris]

I'm confused.

[Scott]

Yeah, what do you.

[Miles]

What do you. Yeah, what are you confused about? I don't care. Sucks.

[Lauren]

You should have been a therapist.

[Chris]

Are you nuts? Can't even answer his own question.

[Miles]

Sir, have you tried staying up late gooning.

[Lauren]

He's just so mellow and like a therapist, you want them to not talk, and then you just want to do all the talking. You seem really good at not doing a lot of work.

[Miles]

Thank you.

[CJ]

He's got miles of Johnson.

[Joe DeRosa]

He didn't have to.

[Miles]

Yeah, I like that guy.

[Joe DeRosa]

What?

[Miles]

I like that.

[Lauren]

I get it.

[Miles]

He says I have miles of Johnson.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like, Miles of Johnson.

[Miles]

I got penis.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes.

[Chris]

Big dick. Oh.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, big dick. I get it. Sorry. I'm sorry. I don't speak Spanish. I'm sorry.

[Lauren]

I'm sorry. I just. Mis.

[Joe DeRosa]

And wales of Johnson is a good one. It's a good one.

[Chris]

Do you have a big dick, Miles?

[Miles]

Yeah, I think.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you like to eat ass?

[Lauren]

I don't.

[Miles]

I don't think I like it.

[Joe DeRosa]

But you do it?

[Chris]

Would I do it?

[Joe DeRosa]

You do? Yeah.

[Miles]

Would I do it or do I do it?

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you do it?

[Miles]

I have.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay, so you would do it on a date?

[Miles]

Not on a date.

[Joe DeRosa]

Is that a green flag or a red flag? I don't know.

[Miles]

Well, you don't. Is this sex part?

[Chris]

He loves to fucking eat ass.

[Miles]

Is sex part of the date?

[Joe DeRosa]

I mean.

[Miles]

Or is that like you did a date and then you have sex?

[Joe DeRosa]

Whatever you. It's whatever you want it to be, Mr. Johnson. That's up to you, sir.

[Lauren]

All right, Myles, we're gonna bring Scott back out and we're gonna do our first challenge. You can stay on stage, Scotty.

[Joe DeRosa]

Welcome back. Scott.

[Chris]

Scott, do you like to eat ass?

[Scott]

Come on now. Come on now.

[Lauren]

All right, our first challenge is we're going to test how smooth you are. This is like. Do you have game? Game. So y'all are both going to have to face off, and you're going to have to pick up our hot girl that we have. We'll go ahead and, Chris, you're going to be our hot girl. We're going to put a wig on you. So you guys are gonna have to woo him. You have one minute to pick him up and take him home. I know it's intimidating. He's low key, jacked. So at the end, you guys, we're gonna pick a winner out of these two based on their interviews and how well they do picking up Chrissy D. Miles, you're up first.

[Miles]

Okay. What's up, sugar tits?

[Joe DeRosa]

Hey, I like your pants.

[Miles]

Thanks. How about I take them off?

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you have a big dick?

[Miles]

Wait, what do you like? Do you like big dick?

[Joe DeRosa]

Is it circumcised?

[Miles]

Do you like that?

[Joe DeRosa]

It's a requirement.

[Miles]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

There you go. All right. Sniff it off. Yeah, I like.

[Miles]

You're so nice.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[Miles]

Will you. I just want to make sweet.

[Chris]

God Almighty.

[Lauren]

Sweet, sweet. I just want to make sounds like.

[Chris]

This sounds like when Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig meet in Anchorman and it's just so awkward and weird.

[Lauren]

It hurts.

[Miles]

Your body's like a wonderland.

[Lauren]

All right, Miles.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, Chris, you're a terrible woman.

[Chris]

Oh, my God. I just chubbed up.

[Joe DeRosa]

You really did, you piece of.

[Lauren]

All right, Scott, I know you. I know you're not into women, so, Chris, take the wig off, all right? This isn't his.

[Scott]

No, no, no, no, no. Put that thing back on, baby.

[Joe DeRosa]

You like that?

[Chris]

This is more eff.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, my God.

[Scott]

Hell of a game, dude.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, it is pretty sick game.

[Scott]

You. You a Mets guy?

[Joe DeRosa]

I am a Mets guy.

[Scott]

Yeah, man. Hell yeah. That's pretty sick. You trying to. You trying to get a Zen in you, buddy.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wow. I like that. All.

[Scott]

Well, now that that mouth is full.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, my God. I'm wetter than Tampa right now.

[Scott]

Well, when the Mets lose, let's go hang out. What do we say about that, huh, big guy?

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm down, buddy.

[Scott]

That's cool.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Give it up for Scott.

[Chris]

Home run. Yeah.

[Miles]

Dude, you gonna fuck him, not me.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, it's looking that way. You don't even eat ass, dude.

[Miles]

I'll eat your sweet tush.

[Lauren]

Give me.

[Joe DeRosa]

There you go. Not like Scott.

[CJ]

Just give me a chance.

[Joe DeRosa]

Not like Scott. Dude, I'm gonna put a pepperoni in there and let him go to town.

[Scott]

We didn't even get to my huge black cock.

[Joe DeRosa]

Can't wait.

[Lauren]

All right, so now we're gonna. I need to see your flags. If you think Miles won this challenge, this round, let me see your green flags.

[Chris]

Oh, God damn, Miles.

[Lauren]

Sorry, Miles, if Scott won, let me see your green flag. All right, Scott, we're going to have you stay. Miles, thank you for playing. You can go home.

[Miles]

It's been a pleasure. Thank you for having me.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right, Miles, thank you so much. I'll see you at the mothership.

[Lauren]

Thank you. Thank you. All right, Scott, you can head back.

[Chris]

I don't like that he told you he was a fan of yours and not me. Not me. He just left me out. I've seen that kid the last three nights walking into the club.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm telling you, man, get on Grindr.

[Chris]

I mean, Miles might. I mean, I think he's got a few murders under his belt.

[Lauren]

He did seem like a serial killer.

[Chris]

Something's not.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, he was off a little bit.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I don't think I'd watch his true crime document.

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[Lauren]

Yeah, it wouldn't be interesting enough. It'd just be him, low key, killing people with no fun. Ted Bundy Twists.

[Chris]

No twists. No twists, no turns.

[Lauren]

All right, we're gonna bring. What?

[Chris]

I was gonna ask if all the contestants are men or do women come out, too?

[Lauren]

No, we've got two girls now.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, good.

[Lauren]

Don't worry, we're gonna get your dick hard, Joe.

[Chris]

It's already spurting after that whole fucking interaction. I want you to suck my dick at Skank Fest.

[Joe DeRosa]

What a sick st. I mean, you guys don't even know what I know.

[Lauren]

No. Our next contestant is a dog lover, but more importantly, a human lover. She's Muslim, but don't worry, she's not that good at it. Give it up for Aar.

[Chris]

Hey.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hey.

[Lauren]

What'S up, Aya?

[Aya]

Hey, what's up?

[Lauren]

I wish your last name was Waska.

[Aya]

Ayahuasca. Yeah, I'm gonna drop it eventually one day. So I could change it to that if you want.

[Lauren]

That'd be cool. Okay. I like it. I'm glad we decided on that today. Awesome.

[Aya]

That's great.

[Lauren]

Sweet. I like you already. And I'm not even gay. I'm into you. Yeah. And I'm pregnant by a man. How original.

[Aya]

Yeah. Cool.

[Lauren]

So tell me a little bit about yourself.

[Aya]

I like dogs. I used to breed Dobermans. I just did it once, though. And then I had to get her an abortion after that. And then.

[Chris]

Are you upset that your dog's gonna burn in hell?

[Aya]

No, she's not. It was.

[Joe DeRosa]

Maybe not according to your religion, but.

[Aya]

No, she. She was gonna go there anyway. She was a slut. She was a really big slut. That's why she got pregnant in the first place.

[Lauren]

What are you saying?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Aya]

No, she like, she got pregnant. How many babies are you having? One?

[Chris]

Yeah, I think three.

[Lauren]

Are you okay? No.

[Aya]

I'm not being rude to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, but she had like a. She had like nine.

[Lauren]

We started out so strong.

[Aya]

Okay, we can get back there. I believe in us.

[Lauren]

Okay?

[Aya]

I believe it. I really do.

[Joe DeRosa]

Allah has willed it, huh? Yeah.

[Aya]

Your. Your biceps have like a big circumference to them.

[Joe DeRosa]

No. Oh, I thought you're talking about my tattoo.

[CJ]

No.

[Aya]

That's cool.

[Joe DeRosa]

There it is.

[Aya]

You work out, I can tell. You go to the gym?

[Lauren]

I actually saw him at the gym today.

[Aya]

Really?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Aya]

What was he eating?

[Lauren]

I'm just kidding.

[Aya]

No, what machine was he on?

[Joe DeRosa]

I was. No, I was just walking around the gym.

[Aya]

You were walking around the gym?

[Joe DeRosa]

Laura was throwing up.

[Aya]

That's so dumb.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I know.

[Lauren]

Aya, do you sing karaoke?

[Aya]

No, I just started listening to music not too long ago, so I got Spotify Premium in April.

[Chris]

Okay, so what were you listening to up until a few months ago?

[Aya]

No, I. I would, like, listen to the radio, but it was like, I like the ads and now I'm just. No, I listen to music, but I didn't really listen to music that much. I would just listen to, like, podcasts and audiobooks.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay. Okay. That's good.

[Chris]

Yeah, Awesome.

[Aya]

I like your shirt. That's really cute.

[Chris]

Thank you very much. I would compliment you back, but I fear you're a child.

[Joe DeRosa]

And he already looks enough like Jared the subway guy, so.

[Chris]

I know.

[Aya]

I don't know who that guy is.

[Chris]

I gotta give that fat guy my footlong.

[Joe DeRosa]

How old are you?

[Aya]

I'm 22.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, okay.

[Aya]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Nice.

[Aya]

I can drink there.

[Joe DeRosa]

You. Oh, you can drink. What does Muhammad say about that?

[Aya]

No, something in Arabic. You wouldn't understand it.

[Joe DeRosa]

You would know. You would never. You trust me.

[Aya]

But I don't do it. I can, but you don't. No, I don't.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Aya]

No.

[Lauren]

Have you ever had a boyfriend?

[Aya]

I just got one.

[Lauren]

For the first time.

[Aya]

Well, I, like. So, like, I got him again two weeks ago, but.

[Joe DeRosa]

What do you mean?

[Lauren]

You got him like you purchased him at Payless?

[Aya]

No, no, no, I. So I had my first boyfriend in April, and then I didn't like him. Well, I was. I was being weird and then I. And then I, like, I got him like, I broke up with him and then now I got him again.

[Lauren]

So you're playing with guys like they're Ken Barbies?

[Aya]

No, it's just one. And I'm not playing with Him.

[Lauren]

Not even a little.

[Aya]

We don't play games. I'm not about. I'm a serious person. We do, we do our. I like, we do like tax forms together and stuff.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Aya]

Hang out at the library.

[Lauren]

Have you farted in front of him yet?

[Aya]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Lauren]

Is that a red flag? At what point do you feel like it's going to be safe for you to do that?

[Aya]

I don't know, I get nervous. Farting around? No, I fart all the time around people, but not like the ones that you can hear.

[Lauren]

Oh, you're a silent killer.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right.

[Aya]

So he's never heard me fart, but he's probably seen it like, or heard.

[Lauren]

It or smelt it.

[Aya]

Yeah, if he has like the, like, like the thermal goggles, he could see it.

[Lauren]

Joe, you can talk to her.

[Aya]

Yeah. You're allowed to. It's okay.

[Chris]

My parents don't care. I am fascinated. You know I don't listen to music.

[Lauren]

No, I do now.

[Chris]

Boyfriend have fun by doing tax forms together?

[Aya]

No, that was a joke.

[Lauren]

Oh, she doesn't do her tactics.

[Aya]

No, we do.

[Chris]

I'm sorry, I wasn't able to tell from the dead stare in your eyes.

[Aya]

Oh, sorry, my eyes are really dark. So you. So that's just why he said that you guys can see them.

[Lauren]

Aya, what are you gonna be for Halloween?

[Aya]

Frida Kahlo.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Aya]

Yeah, I like her, she's awesome.

[Chris]

Is that the painter with the one eyebrow?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Nice.

[Chris]

That's a good costume.

[Lauren]

Good for you, Jack.

[Chris]

Thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Good for you.

[Chris]

I saw that movie.

[Aya]

Oh, what are you gonna be for Halloween?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes, Salma Hayek is in it. Yeah, that's why you saw it. You pig.

[Aya]

She's like my celebrity look alike.

[Joe DeRosa]

She is, right? Yes, yes.

[Aya]

No, she is in my head whenever I see her, I'm like, you think.

[Joe DeRosa]

You'Re like I look like her? Yeah, I guess if she dressed like a 22 year old boy.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Aya]

My boyfriend gave me this shirt.

[Joe DeRosa]

I like it. I actually, I actually like your look and I think you and your boyfriend. Is your boyfriend. Is he also a comic?

[Aya]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Lauren]

Where did you meet?

[Aya]

We met at this coffee shop.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Chris]

At a show. At a coffee shop or just a regular coffee shop?

[Aya]

No, I like, I promised this girl I would film her for 24 hours and he just was like, ended up being in her entourage, so. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Is he also Muslim?

[Aya]

No, he's white.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, shit. Is somebody in your family gonna have to honor kill themselves?

[Aya]

I'm worried about that actually.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. Just be Careful.

[Aya]

No, I'm being. I'm treading lightly.

[Joe DeRosa]

So. Yes.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Aya]

Aya, thank you so much.

[Lauren]

Go ahead and stick around. We'll bring you back our next contestant.

[Chris]

Yeah. She was nice.

[Joe DeRosa]

She was nice.

[Lauren]

You didn't even. You just looked at her.

[Chris]

I was just drinking it all in.

[Joe DeRosa]

God, Jo, you're such a creep.

[Chris]

No, I was. It was a lot going on. I felt like I was a scientist studying her. She was very interesting.

[Joe DeRosa]

She was interesting. She was cool.

[Lauren]

She was cas.

[Chris]

She was what?

[Lauren]

Casual.

[Chris]

I think you're. You also said that about Miles. I think you don't know the difference between casual and head injury. There's. Something's not right. This is what happens when you do a show a block away from. From 6th Street.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. It's true.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Our next contestant is working on her posture and can play the accordion.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, okay.

[Lauren]

Give it up for Christina Mariani. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

There you go.

[Lauren]

What's up, hot mama?

[Christina]

Hi.

[Lauren]

Sorry.

[Christina]

You, too.

[Lauren]

Thanks. How are you doing? Tell me about yourself.

[Christina]

You know, I. Sorry. This is like episode of Love on the Spectrum.

[Lauren]

I feel like we're all.

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you have autism?

[Christina]

I don't know. I tried to take the test and then it was like $40 to see, so.

[CJ]

Right.

[Christina]

Okay, so maybe I'd like to make.

[Chris]

It clear to the audience every one of these contestants signed up on purpose, yet is reacting like somebody just jumped out of the bushes at them. This was thought out.

[Christina]

So I'm from Stockton in California, which is not la. It's Stockton. And I play the accordion, like you said. And I do stand up.

[Chris]

Yeah. You read Mothership the other night, right?

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Are you keeping tabs on everybody?

[Chris]

No, I'm not kidding. I didn't know your name when she said your name. Somebody said you had the best set of the night at Mothership the other night.

[Christina]

Oh, that's cool.

[Chris]

I'm dead serious.

[Joe DeRosa]

Your fingers smell like cheese doodles.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

You know, Christina, if you play your cards right, he'll make you a taco.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, true.

[Christina]

Nice. I like tacos.

[Lauren]

When is the last time you were in love?

[Christina]

I don't know. A year ago, maybe.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, sweet.

[Christina]

A few months ago. I don't know. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Why'd you guys break up?

[Christina]

We had different values. Like, I valued honesty and he didn't.

[Lauren]

What did he value?

[Christina]

Other girls. I don't know.

[Lauren]

If you had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

[Christina]

Probably freak out the entire time. I just probably be so anxious I wouldn't end up. I wouldn't decide, and then I die. I don't know.

[Lauren]

That's fair.

[Christina]

I would go see my family. I would be with my family.

[Joe DeRosa]

Probably in Stockton.

[Christina]

Yeah, in Stockton. So I'd probably die sooner.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. I was gonna say the meth. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Do you sing karaoke?

[Christina]

Only when I'm really drunk. And then my drunk alter ego comes out. Her name's Stassi. She's a lot cooler than Christina.

[Lauren]

Saucy.

[Christina]

Stassi.

[Lauren]

Stassi. Yeah.

[Christina]

It's like a cool girl.

[Chris]

Let's get Christina a shot. Let's get Christina a shot.

[Lauren]

We do need to get her a shot.

[Chris]

Let's push Christina slowly towards. So, what is it? Saucy.

[Christina]

Stasi.

[Chris]

Stasi.

[Christina]

Stassi.

[Lauren]

Stassi with a T. I like it. Do you need a Q tip?

[Chris]

It's a word no one's ever heard of. Stasi.

[Lauren]

It's like Stacy but French.

[Chris]

I thought you were saying saucy, like, which makes sense. Like, saucy, like, you get drunk, you're saucy, you're sauced. I thought that's what you're saying.

[Christina]

It rhymes.

[Lauren]

So. Yeah. What kind of shot do you like to take?

[Christina]

Tequila.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, I like tequila.

[Lauren]

You seem so calm and mellow. Do you like road rage or anything?

[Christina]

Do I have road rage? No, I just like to crash into people. I'm just kidding. No, I. But I do it very calmly.

[Lauren]

Do you have anger issues?

[Christina]

I don't think so. I actually bottle everything inside. And that's gonna end well? I don't know. I do very well under pressure. You know, most people had the, like, flight or fight, and I just freeze. So I don't know.

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you own a gun?

[Christina]

No.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's good.

[Lauren]

How do you get out of a relationship that you're not happy in?

[Christina]

How? With a lot of difficulty. Because I'll, like, break up with them and they'll be like, no.

[Lauren]

Oh, okay. Do you ghost people?

[Christina]

No, I try not to. That seems mean.

[Chris]

That's nice of you.

[Joe DeRosa]

That is nice of you.

[Christina]

Thanks.

[Lauren]

Put your green flags down.

[Christina]

No, I. I just. I tried to let them out down easy, you know, and really, I think it takes a lot for me to, like, leave someone because I'm really loyal. But then when I find out that they're, you know, kind of cheating on me, then that's easy, you know?

[Chris]

You do. Do I'll be the guy. Do a breakup with me. Do how you would do it to me.

[Christina]

Okay, well, what did you do?

[Joe DeRosa]

I mean, he cheated on you.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't know.

[Chris]

But, like, do it the way you do it. If you're just like. You're like. I'm not into this anymore.

[Christina]

Okay. It's usually like we're fighting, though, so. I needed you.

[Chris]

Stupid bitch. Do it.

[Christina]

Well, now I'm aroused.

[Joe DeRosa]

Green flag.

[Chris]

Yeah, me too.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, my God.

[Chris]

Can we get those shots up here?

[Joe DeRosa]

They're coming. They're coming. Let's go.

[Lauren]

Do you have any kinks?

[Joe DeRosa]

There they go.

[Lauren]

Huh? Kinks. Do you have any kinks?

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, for all of us.

[Lauren]

All right, one of those is water, right?

[Chris]

Yours is tequila. I mean, you just drank a whole glass of it backstage.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I know.

[Lauren]

She wasn't finished breaking up with you.

[Chris]

Oh, sorry. Let's do the shot and then we'll do it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Chris]

Or no, we'll do the shot at the end. Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right.

[Chris]

Sorry. Okay. All right.

[Lauren]

This is so complicated.

[Chris]

Okay, wait.

[Christina]

I should take the lime out so it's ready.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Christina]

I'm gonna hold on to it.

[Lauren]

Cause I don't know.

[Chris]

Here we go.

[Lauren]

It's okay.

[Christina]

I can put it on the chair. Cause I'm not putting that part in my mouth, so I don't.

[Chris]

We're fighting. We're fighting.

[Christina]

Okay, we're fighting.

[Chris]

Go ahead.

[Christina]

This isn't working.

[Chris]

I disagree.

[Christina]

I hate your tacos.

[Chris]

Oh, you hate my tacos?

[Christina]

Yeah, you don't make good tacos.

[Lauren]

Your tacos.

[Chris]

I got news for you. I was only in it for Stasi.

[Christina]

That's rude. No, no, no.

[Lauren]

Give it up for Christina.

[Chris]

Cheers. Cheers.

[Joe DeRosa]

Cheers.

[Chris]

Cheers. Cheers.

[Lauren]

All right, Christina, you can stay on stage. We're gonna bring ayahuasca back.

[Chris]

Hachi machi. I burned.

[Joe DeRosa]

I know.

[Lauren]

All right, you guys, welcome back. Aya. Hey, what's up? This is to test Yalls intelligence. All right, we are going to have a buzzer, so I'm going to ask you guys a question. And whoever buzzes it first gets to answer first. If you don't know, then the point goes to the other person. Okay, are you guys ready? How often should you wash your sheets? According to dermatologists, once a week. You know, it's every one to two weeks. I like that. You get a point. Thanks. What is the average length of an erect penis in the U.S. the 22 year old knows this.

[Aya]

I don't know, like seven inches.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, my God. What neighborhood? Yeah. Yes, his neighborhood.

[Lauren]

We're in the US, Not Africa. Christina.

[Christina]

I would say four or five.

[Lauren]

I would say Christina's closer. It's five to five and a half inches.

[Joe DeRosa]

There you go.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

I believe that.

[Lauren]

Chris, did you know that?

[Joe DeRosa]

Did I Know that?

[Lauren]

Did you know that?

[Joe DeRosa]

I did know that, yeah.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm an average man.

[Chris]

Low end of the average, though, right?

[Joe DeRosa]

What?

[Chris]

You're at the low end of the.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, I did the average, yes.

[Lauren]

What personality type is characterized by exaggerating their talents, fantasizing about unlimited power and the need for importance?

[Christina]

Narcissism.

[Lauren]

Yes. Here you go, Jen.

[Chris]

Nice.

[Joe DeRosa]

Good for you.

[Chris]

Okay, you want me to read the next one? Where is the prostate on this diagram?

[Lauren]

You gotta hit the buzzer if you know where it is.

[Chris]

Christ, I don't even know where it is.

[Joe DeRosa]

I think I know where it is.

[Lauren]

Show us where it is.

[Christina]

I think it's that one. I don't know. It's right behind. It's. This is close to the butt.

[Lauren]

I don't know.

[Chris]

I don't know.

[Aya]

What is that on the screen?

[Lauren]

That is how a 22 year old answers. It is. Can we highlight it? You guys? I don't know how to. I can't point that far away. We're zooming in.

[Chris]

What?

[Lauren]

They're zooming in. It's right there.

[Chris]

But which. Which line is correct, though?

[Joe DeRosa]

That one.

[Chris]

Oh, that one. Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Chris]

No, he's circling two different lines.

[Joe DeRosa]

Zoom out. Can you zoom out a little bit?

[Chris]

Oh, it's two. I see, I see. Okay, I'm sorry.

[Joe DeRosa]

The one that kind of looks like Mickey Mouse ears.

[Chris]

I didn't know that.

[Lauren]

I didn't know that.

[Joe DeRosa]

It only has one ball.

[Chris]

It does make sense. This does make sense, because.

[Joe DeRosa]

Go ahead.

[Chris]

That's about how far the doctor's finger is in when I feel like I'm.

[Joe DeRosa]

Gonna shoot a limb. Yeah, yeah. The doctor's finger's in and this is up. Yeah, about that. There it is. God, I hate your fucking pants.

[Chris]

I knew you would. That's why I wore them.

[Lauren]

What is the recommended tire pressure for the average sedan?

[Aya]

30.

[Lauren]

Close. 32 to 35 psi. Chris, did you know that?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes, that. I actually did.

[Lauren]

No, you didn't.

[Joe DeRosa]

I didn't know that. I did know that. I did know that because my car has the psi. It's all digital.

[Chris]

Stupid.

[Lauren]

Here, Chris, you give me the last one.

[Joe DeRosa]

Here we go. Okay. According to Psychology Today, what percentage of women have faked an orgasm? There it is.

[Christina]

All of them?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes. What? Whoever gets closer. So you're saying 100%.

[Miles]

Okay.

[Aya]

Fake orgasm.

[Joe DeRosa]

Fake and orgasm. What percentage of women have faked an orgasm? Biological women.

[Aya]

Like, they just lie about it. Yeah, they're like, oh, I came, like.

[Lauren]

Yeah, somewhat like that.

[Aya]

Why would people lie? That's. I don't know. 20%.

[Joe DeRosa]

20. No, the answer is 59%.

[Lauren]

I'd say that goes to Christina.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. Because she's closer.

[Lauren]

Yeah, 59 is actually very low to.

[Joe DeRosa]

Me that I faked it. Yeah.

[Lauren]

I feel like that's the percentage of women who tell the truth. I think the correct answer is 100. All right, all right, you guys, give it up for our guests. Hold on. Wait. We have to. We have to choose one of you. All right, if. So now we're choosing. If you guys feel like Aya won this round, let me see your green flags.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right.

[Lauren]

If Christina won this round, let me see your green flags.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's fucking even.

[Lauren]

What do you guys think?

[Joe DeRosa]

I think it's dead even. I genuinely think.

[Chris]

Right. Tough call.

[Lauren]

What are we gonna do?

[Chris]

Well, we can do. Do you want to. Do you want to do it one more time to see if we can?

[Lauren]

Okay, let's do it one more time. If I won. Let me see your green flags. Okay. Christina.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't know.

[Chris]

It's still Christina by like a.

[Lauren]

By like two flags.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I don't know. It's.

[Lauren]

Maybe we should have a make out and then we'll decide. Yes, I think Christina wins. Christina will keep you on. I. What, Chris?

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't know. I couldn't if it was close.

[Chris]

Stop.

[Joe DeRosa]

Let me ask you this one tie breaking question, okay?

[Aya]

What's up?

[Joe DeRosa]

What is the name of the one and only God.

[Chris]

I have a tie break. Fill in the blanks. From the blank to the blank.

[Aya]

I mean, at the end of the day, I'm gonna be a winner. So it doesn't. I can, like, thank you guys so much.

[Lauren]

Christina, we're gonna have you say Aya. Thank you so much.

[Joe DeRosa]

Congrats, Christina. I think so. Yeah.

[Lauren]

All right, Tanner, will you come take these buzzers, please? We have our last two contestants for the night.

[Chris]

How are you feeling?

[Lauren]

Still confused. Like you. Yeah, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Are you taking your folic acid?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Have I what?

[Joe DeRosa]

Are you taking your folic acid?

[Lauren]

Yes, I'm taking lots of folic acid.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right, good. Remember, you can't.

[Lauren]

If I was taking just regular acid. Don't eat sushi.

[Joe DeRosa]

Don't eat sushi. You can't do that. Undercooked fish the first month. You can't give the baby honey. There's old fucking rules.

[Lauren]

No one told me that.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay, well, don't give the baby honey for a little while.

[Lauren]

You just can't have tuna or soy.

[Joe DeRosa]

You don't have tuna. No merc. Right.

[Lauren]

And you can't have gas station Sushi.

[Joe DeRosa]

Mercury and all type. You just stay away from fish.

[Lauren]

I don't, don't I?

[Joe DeRosa]

Look, that's what you gotta do.

[Lauren]

I'm working on it. Okay.

[Chris]

What does that mean? You're eating fish?

[Lauren]

Yeah. I mean, these days you can have fish as long as it's high quality fish.

[Chris]

These days.

[Lauren]

These days you can also have deli meat. Did you know that you couldn't have deli meat back in the 50s? Cause they didn't know.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right.

[Lauren]

But you can have deli meat.

[Joe DeRosa]

You still don't eat it, though.

[Lauren]

I mean, I very rarely eat it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right.

[Lauren]

What's the worst that could happen?

[Chris]

You're not making your own sandwiches.

[Joe DeRosa]

Your baby could be born with a disability and then wind up on kill. Tony.

[Lauren]

Sounds like a rock star. All right, our next contestant has red pubes and tiny balls.

[Joe DeRosa]

Give it up for Chris Joe DeRosa.

[Lauren]

Chris Jean.

[Chris G]

Hey, everybody.

[Chris]

Hi, Chris.

[Joe DeRosa]

What's up, Chris.

[Chris G]

Nice to meet you guys.

[Chris]

How are you doing?

[Chris G]

All right, nice.

[Lauren]

Tell me about yourself. What makes you dateable?

[Chris G]

What makes me dateable? Six foot, no big deal. What the hell? Six foot? Fucking six figures. 17 inches, dude. No, I don't make six figures.

[Chris]

No.

[Scott]

I don't know.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, you're wearing a Garfield shirt my.

[Chris G]

Fucking girlfriend got for me. Watch it, dude.

[Joe DeRosa]

Looks dope.

[Chris G]

No, I'm just kidding. I like Garfield too, dude. Yeah, I like Garfield. I don't know what makes. What makes.

[Lauren]

What did. Don't ask Chris. What makes you dateable.

[Chris G]

What makes you dateable?

[Joe DeRosa]

Me? No, he's gay.

[Lauren]

He already has one up on you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. What, man? I don't know actually, what to be.

[Chris G]

You got nice blue eyes.

[Joe DeRosa]

They're green, but thank you. Oh, shit.

[Chris G]

Are they green?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I love my mom.

[Chris G]

Oh, yeah, that's good.

[Joe DeRosa]

If you love Mom. My mom has red hair. You look like my mom. So maybe do you love your mom? That makes you.

[Chris G]

I love my mom. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay. There you go. That's good.

[Chris G]

My mom, we get on great. I called her today. She's in Florida. She's about to get owned by that hell.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Chris G]

Yeah. But let me ask you this.

[Joe DeRosa]

Let me ask you this question.

[Chris G]

Decimated.

[Chris]

That's nice.

[Chris G]

Let me ask you to go. The date show went great. And there's no house.

[Joe DeRosa]

How about this? Let me ask you this. I'm interested in this lately.

[Chris G]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

If you were married, okay. And let's say your wife made more money than you, which is probable. Let's say your wife made more money. Let's say your wife made more money than you and you guys got divorced, huh? Would you take alimony? Oh, yeah, dude, red flag, bro. Red flag.

[CJ]

Sorry.

[Chris G]

I like when women are successful.

[Chris]

Wait a second, dude.

[Joe DeRosa]

Men gotta be men.

[Chris]

Why shouldn't he? Why shouldn't he?

[Joe DeRosa]

No, no.

[Chris]

Why shouldn't he be. We're gonna do all this equal sex is.

[Chris G]

That's what I'm saying.

[Joe DeRosa]

Take it from the mother.

[Chris]

We're going all the way.

[Joe DeRosa]

You do what my father did. My mother made twice as much money as him. Divorced. My dad didn't take a dollar. Instead, he lived in a van down the street. That's what you do.

[Chris]

Now he sponges off of you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Now I know he really did. I had to sue my own father.

[Chris G]

Did you sue your own father?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, he fucking took money from me. I was like, he should have taken this from mom. Yeah.

[Chris G]

If he had done that, he wouldn't have taken it from. Well, he'd probably just take it for both you guys.

[Joe DeRosa]

But I just. I'm just looking for. God, what about this? Would you ever does Is your. Do you ever let your girlfriend or wife pay on the first date?

[Chris G]

Not a chance.

[Joe DeRosa]

Not first date or any dates.

[Chris G]

She offers and I go, you got it. We split it. That's where all.

[Joe DeRosa]

But only because she wants to.

[Chris G]

She's here. She knows I'm lying sometimes.

[Chris]

Here's what I do. Here's what I do. First three dates.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Check drops. She does the reach. I go, no, no, no. Please don't embarrass me.

[Chris G]

Right, yeah.

[Chris]

Fourth date, check drops. She doesn't reach. I go, unfucking believable.

[Chris G]

The gall on this bitch.

[Chris]

I guess I got it again. And then that gets in her head and then, you know, there you go.

[Chris G]

Yeah, that's what you gotta do.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're dateable, dude.

[Chris G]

Thanks, dude.

[Lauren]

Would you ever date a girl on OnlyFans?

[CJ]

No.

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[Chris G]

You?

[Lauren]

What if she made like $100,000 a month?

[Chris]

No.

[Joe DeRosa]

That make you feel even worse? Yeah.

[Chris G]

And then she's like, you can be in them. I'm like, yeah, that's exactly what I want.

[Chris]

I don't want to date a chick if she doesn't have an only fans. I want to date a real wild chick.

[Chris G]

Yeah. No, I don't. I don't want to date a lady like that. That's crazy.

[Lauren]

What kind of girl do you date? What's your type?

[Chris G]

Smart, classy.

[Lauren]

Do you get jealous easily?

[Chris G]

No, really.

[Chris]

She just better not have a fucking. Only fans. Fucking whore.

[Chris G]

Is that jealousy morals or jealousy now?

[Chris]

Oh, come on.

[Chris G]

I guess being right With God.

[Chris]

You do comedy, right?

[CJ]

What?

[Chris]

You do comedy?

[Chris G]

Yeah, I do comedy.

[Chris]

You think you're not going to bang around with a few porn stars in this business? What are you, nuts? You tell every.

[Chris G]

Every guy who does comedy gets to do that.

[Chris]

The cool ones do.

[CJ]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

All right.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. Why do you think Joe had to move to Austin? Guy got run out of New York by porn stars. Chased him out of the stand.

[Lauren]

When is the last time you. Your pants.

[Chris G]

Oh, good one. My pants. Show my pants. Show my pants. Oh. Well, I used to live in Florida, and I ate at this restaurant. Oh, off.

[Chris]

Where the.

[Chris G]

Where are you guys from? Oh, yeah, I'm way better. Anyway, no, I should. I ate this restaurant. It's called Beefy King. Shouldn't have done that. But it was. It's like. It's like Arby's, but it's a mom and pop, and there's, like, one of them in Florida. And then I ate that, and I started driving home, and I knew I was gonna shit my pants. And I almost made it to the toilet, but what happened was I pulled down my pants. I started right away. So it's more like I shit, like, into my pants.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

In your car?

[Chris G]

No, I was, like, running into the bathroom. When I got home, it was close to my house. I just, you know, pulled in and then started to pull my pants down in the bathroom. And I think, like, you know, it's like Pavlovian. It's like it knew I was in the bathroom, so it just came out.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, your ass knows. Yeah, your ass knows. When you're getting close to the front.

[Chris G]

Door, it goes, yeah, I can chill out. I'm gonna let loose.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's it, dude.

[Chris G]

And then it all went in my pants. But then I. What happened was I was over it like this, and then I went to reach up to go to the toilet, and then I shit on the toilet. Like, you know, like a Mohawk, kind of down. Oh, please, guys. Like, you guys haven't been there. And then. Then I sat on it. You know, it's funny. I had to throw away my shirt.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right.

[Chris]

And you're grossed out by OnlyFans.

[Lauren]

Give it up for Chris G. Thanks, guys. All right, Chris, we're gonna have you go back, and we'll have you come out in a second. Our last contestant got held back in kindergarten because he kept shitting his pants. Give a warm welcome to CJ Landry. What's up, cj?

[CJ]

What up?

[Lauren]

Tell me a little bit about yourself and what makes you so dateable.

[CJ]

Yeah, I'M I mean, I'm a good bowler. I like to bowl. I'm going bowling right after this. I love bowling. I am. I can't wait to go bowl. I'm a good bowler. I like to listen. Yeah, I think if women want to, like, go halvesies on a date, that's cool. I just want them to lift a red flag. They're doing a green flag. No. Yeah, I'm not. I'm a chill guy. I have a. I have a hot girlfriend, and.

[Lauren]

Oh, you have a girlfriend. You were drinking a Bud Light. I thought you were gay.

[CJ]

No, that's a good. Oh, that's a good point.

[Lauren]

Yeah, that's wild.

[CJ]

Hey, I'm open to some things, you know, now. Yeah. I watch her have sex with women sometimes.

[Chris]

Oh, that's awesome.

[CJ]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's.

[Chris]

Wow.

[Lauren]

Have you ever had a threesome?

[Joe DeRosa]

I like that, dude.

[CJ]

Yeah. Wait, what?

[Lauren]

Have you ever had a threesome?

[CJ]

Yeah. With my girlfriend. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Way too casually.

[CJ]

Well, we've done it. I mean, yeah, we've done it once. It was cool.

[Chris]

And then. But then she'll bang chicks in front of you and you get to watch.

[CJ]

No, like. Yeah, like, we're open to that. Hell, yeah. All right. Another lady. Couple takers. All right. No, I don't know. Yeah, she's. She's gay, you know, so she. We're trying to find a common ground, you know, And I'm like. I mean, I like women, too, and. But she doesn't. Like, the biggest problem was that she was like, oh, I don't. Like, whenever we first started, she was like, oh, I don't get emotional attachment to women, you know, she don't want to. Really rich. You don't want to date a woman, you know, And. And I was like, I mean. Yeah, I get it. You know, I've. I've been there, you know, I'm saying, I like. I get that that's fun for you.

[Chris]

She's like, I just want to fuck the women and do the fun with them. I'll give you all the fucking headaches. The. The emotional stuff.

[Scott]

Sorry.

[CJ]

I'm kind of hammered. We've been back there, like, so long. I'm like, the last back there.

[Chris]

About 45 minutes.

[CJ]

Free alcohol. I just was like, all right, I'll drink. And I mean, sure.

[Chris]

Do you go. Do you go bowling? Face.

[CJ]

You got to go bowling. I go bowling. A little high weed really helps you. I mean, the lanes get big when you're high. You know what I'm saying? They get like, they get wide when you're high.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, I kind of like. I like your look, too. I like your facial hair. You look like a French guy from the 1800s kind of dope.

[CJ]

All right, that might be the Louisiana popping out a little bit.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, is it? Yeah, you got French vibes.

[CJ]

Yeah, I like making gumbo and stuff, you know?

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[CJ]

That's what I do. I make. Yeah. French stuff.

[Lauren]

Is your accent real?

[CJ]

What?

[Lauren]

I feel like you're putting it on a little thicker.

[CJ]

No, that's.

[Lauren]

Where are you from?

[CJ]

I'm from Houma, Louisiana. It's a small town.

[Joe DeRosa]

What is it?

[CJ]

Houma Homo? No, not gay. Louisiana.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, Houma, Louisiana.

[CJ]

Houma. Yeah, it's like Oklahoma, but without Oklahoma.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, okay. Homa. That's cool. Not the Oklahoma.

[CJ]

It's Proud. From the TV show Swamp People. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Real proud of the green flag.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[CJ]

All right.

[Lauren]

Love language.

[CJ]

My love. I don't really. I don't know. I think whenever. Like a girl. Let me think. Love language. Which talks to me. Dude. I mean, honestly, I like, whenever a woman is like. Like, oh, I'll pay for it. And then I'm like, no, I'm not.

[Lauren]

I got it.

[CJ]

I got it. And she's like, no, seriously, I'll pay for it. And I'm like, no, I got it, and then I get it. And then she, like, sucked my dick after. I think that's my love. I think that's my love language. I feel like that's so physical. It's a give and take and suck or whatever.

[Joe DeRosa]

Nice. Give, take, suck. It's like. It's new. Eat, Pray, Love.

[CJ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

The sequel, dude.

[CJ]

Yeah, he gets it, dude. Green.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, that's the fucking homo. Houma, Louisiana, baby.

[Aya]

What?

[Lauren]

People, what is something that you can teach Chris?

[Chris]

Wait, why just Chris? Why does Chris get everything?

[Lauren]

Because you're not gonna learn any lessons.

[Chris]

He got to be the woman. Chris got to be the woman. The first guy said he was a fan of Chris, not me.

[Lauren]

You get to sit next to me.

[Chris]

Oh, great. You're all used up now that you're pregnant.

[Lauren]

Don't talk to me like I'm some cum dumpster.

[Joe DeRosa]

I mean, you literally are.

[CJ]

I mean, maybe not a dumpster, but it's been used a couple times.

[Lauren]

Okay, fine. What is something that you can do? Teach Joe?

[Chris]

No, no, just both of us.

[CJ]

About what?

[Chris]

I don't know.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't know. Wrestling a. A wild warthog and cutting its nuts off in the swamp. What do you do? Catching snakes. Wrestling an Alligator?

[CJ]

Is that what you want me to teach you about? Or.

[Joe DeRosa]

I mean, do you know, like, down south, like. Like.

[CJ]

Oh, yeah, I've been, like, hunting and fishing. I mean, do you like fishing or.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I've never done any of that. I'm from New York. I've never done. I go to Central Park.

[CJ]

You've never, like, driven?

[Joe DeRosa]

I've never done it. I don't know how to do anything.

[Lauren]

Just fish.

[CJ]

Yeah. Yeah, you can. Like, so you get these rods, right, and they got, like, little strings in them, and you put little. Whatever you want. You can really put.

[Lauren]

Really?

[CJ]

The stinkiest thing I put out, like, I put, like, shrimp or maybe like, these little rotten little worms on them, and they just eat them up, dude. And honestly, it's really easy down there. You can really. You can really just get hammered and catch a lot of down there. It's not really that impressive. It doesn't really require a lot of talent. You know what I mean? Most people do it. Just hammered as fuck. And then you just catch something and you're like.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like chlamydia.

[CJ]

Yeah. Yeah, dude.

[Chris]

You're like a gross Nate Bargazi.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. You're like. Yeah, you're like. If Nate Bargazi. If you're like Nate Vargazzi and Theo Vaughn had a kid and he wasn't successful.

[CJ]

That's all I'm trying to be. That's all I'm trying to.

[Lauren]

Last question. How do you feel about women with, like, hair, like, hairy armpits or if they don't shave their legs? How do you feel about that?

[CJ]

Done it. Not a fan.

[Lauren]

You've done it?

[CJ]

Yeah, I've done it. Been there. It's like, you know it. Women, especially. Armpit hair, leg hair. I'm not. It's like, all right. I mean, it's like, okay. I don't know what you're trying to prove, but they. The armpit hair, it's like, wow. I mean, I know. I didn't really know. I didn't know she had armpit hair at first, and then she did, and it was kind of too late. You know what I mean? I was, like, already kind of there, and I was like, ah.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right.

[CJ]

I'm just. Guess I'm just going to close my eyes for this one. So I guess I'm like, kind of for. I'm on the fence.

[Aya]

Okay.

[CJ]

Is that fine? All right. Everyone hates that.

[Lauren]

All right, give it up for cj.

[CJ]

I love it.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right.

[CJ]

I love armpit.

[Joe DeRosa]

Good job, cj.

[Lauren]

All right, cj, Stay here. Chris, we're going to bring you back on. We're gonna do our final challenge between these two.

[CJ]

Dude, me and Kristoff are going bowling after this.

[Lauren]

Really?

[CJ]

We are. We're really going bowling after this.

[Lauren]

All right. This is gonna be an interesting challenge. I'm surprised that they agreed to do this. This is called pregnancy tacos. So backstage, these electrodes were placed. Oh, shit. On their ass.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is awesome, dude.

[Lauren]

In their bags. So we're gonna turn these on, and we're gonna do the beginning stages of labor all the way through the end. And then you guys can tell me what's, like, your master.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, this is. You're gonna be used to this, dude.

[CJ]

I am pro abortion, by the way. I don't know. I don't. I never. I would never do this.

[Joe DeRosa]

I feel like this is what they do in Houma, Louisiana, try to shock the gay out of you. They take you to the town square and do this.

[CJ]

All right, so there's.

[Lauren]

There's a few. These are like those muscle stimulators, right? And so they're going to turn them on some different stages.

[Joe DeRosa]

To simulate pregnancy.

[Lauren]

Yeah, to simulate what it feels like to go through labor. So this is like stage one.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's fine. I've had three kids, so this will bother three. You'll be fine.

[Chris]

Dude, when you say simulate, you're. It's. This is. This is what it feels like to have a contraction.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Okay.

[Lauren]

Okay, let me know when you guys go for stage one. Oh, you feel something?

[Joe DeRosa]

It didn't even turn on yet.

[CJ]

Dude, it was really cold when they put it on, too. That kind of hurt. I was like, oh, man, it's really cold.

[Lauren]

Tanner, you tell me when we're ready. Okay, let's do stage two. No. Nothing. All right, let's just skip to stage six.

[CJ]

It's a tingly. It's a tingly.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's a tingly.

[CJ]

We haven't even gotten the tacos yet. What are you talking about?

[Lauren]

We gotta. I want to see where you guys are at before I put food.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, imagine you lived in New York. You have a choice. You don't have one here.

[CJ]

I don't like them with you.

[Lauren]

No, we didn't feel anything. Okay, let's do stage 10.

[CJ]

I mean, it definitely. It's like. It's a. It's like electrocute. It's like a soft electrocution. That's what it feels like.

[Joe DeRosa]

Got it.

[Lauren]

Okay, stage 20 oh.

[Joe DeRosa]

One of you guys are gonna start getting hard.

[CJ]

You're gonna start getting hard. 10 whoever gets hard first wins. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

And Deroza doesn't count.

[CJ]

Hurts.

[Chris]

Hurts.

[CJ]

Yeah. This.

[Chris]

How bad does it hurt?

[CJ]

Wow.

[Lauren]

Does it hurt?

[CJ]

I feel like you're not experiencing this right now. You know what I mean? Like, you're not. I. I feel like.

[Chris]

How bad does it hurt, Notch?

[Joe DeRosa]

What does it feel like?

[CJ]

Actually, you know, my lower back. I feel like it kind of needs this right now. Like, kind of like loosening up little bit.

[Chris]

How bad does it hurt?

[CJ]

I mean, four out of ten. Yeah, four out of ten.

[Joe DeRosa]

What does it feel like stinging?

[Chris G]

It feels like. Like little shocks.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like little needles. Right?

[Chris G]

Yeah. It's all right, though.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's. I don't know, like, when you put on.

[Chris G]

What the fuss is all about.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like when you put on a pair of pants that have crusted in them.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[CJ]

It's got.

[Chris G]

I mean, women will never go through that.

[CJ]

It's kind of making me burp a little bit.

[Chris G]

Yeah. Are you putting it down, or am I getting used to it?

[CJ]

It's tingling my ass a lot.

[Chris G]

Yeah, it's going through to my ass.

[CJ]

My ass is, like, really tight.

[Chris G]

Oh, it's really getting into the gooch area.

[CJ]

Holy.

[Chris G]

Now it's starting to hurt. Now it's starting to hurt.

[Chris]

Wait till it gets to your.

[CJ]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

All right.

[Chris]

Dude.

[Chris G]

What if I just had a baby right here?

[Lauren]

Let's bring out the tacos.

[CJ]

Ow.

[Lauren]

All right, so we're going to have. You guys. We got a taco kit.

[Chris]

Yeah. Yeah. So you know what a taco kit.

[Chris G]

Is over there in the interim?

[CJ]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

What the.

[Chris]

And I heard an Instagram post where.

[Chris G]

You made tacos still going during the downtime.

[CJ]

We can turn off.

[Lauren]

All right, so I don't know.

[Chris G]

They gave it to me. Like, I know how to use this thing.

[Lauren]

Here's what's gonna happen. Just hold those. Don't press any buttons.

[Chris G]

Bother me.

[Lauren]

Don't press any buttons. What's gonna happen is you guys are gonna make tacos, and Joe is gonna taste them, and he's gonna find out same ingredients which. Well, wait a second.

[Chris G]

Same goddamn ingredient.

[CJ]

What do you mean?

[Lauren]

We're gonna turn these on. We're gonna see which.

[Chris G]

Who makes a better taco.

[CJ]

Five ingredients, but. Okay. We'll get it. We'll get it. Let's do it.

[Lauren]

You can make a taco however you want. Joe's gonna decide which one he likes the most.

[CJ]

All right.

[Chris G]

I'm all tangled.

[CJ]

Do it a little bit more. Salsa. Hell, yeah.

[Chris G]

Oh, my ass.

[CJ]

All right.

[Lauren]

All right. When I count to three, you both can start.

[Chris G]

Okay.

[Lauren]

Three. Turn it up, you guys.

[Chris]

Don't use your fingers. Come on, man.

[Lauren]

If you need a safe word, just yell it out. Can I be done?

[Chris]

Can I?

[Chris G]

I'm done.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm done.

[Lauren]

Are you done with the taco? Okay, Carly, that's good. Carly.

[Scott]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Carly. Turn it off.

[CJ]

I feel Latina as right now. Dude, pregnant and tacos, man.

[Joe DeRosa]

Do it up, dude. I don't want any.

[Lauren]

I think this is the second time he his pants.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm not eating that.

[CJ]

Dude, I did pee a little. I tell you that.

[Joe DeRosa]

You guys, you don't have to eat.

[Lauren]

Chago. Are you hungry?

[CJ]

Oh, all right. Oh, my God.

[Lauren]

Dude, that was such a strong bite.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's what Scott's gonna do to you tonight.

[CJ]

Good though, right?

[Chris G]

Yeah, it was.

[Joe DeRosa]

Mine wasn't bad.

[Chris]

Dude, it was literally a clump of meat in one side and then all lettuce on the other side.

[Joe DeRosa]

This one looks better.

[Chris G]

Yeah, I think.

[CJ]

You think?

[Chris]

Cj, this looks like, evenly made it look right there.

[Joe DeRosa]

And he put the sauce right in the middle.

[Lauren]

These are, like, actually got sauce on top of them.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't want to eat it, dude. I want to. You think this kid washes his hands? You think either one of them are clean?

[Chris G]

What the hell?

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't need that.

[CJ]

Oh, yeah, there it is. Okay, good.

[Lauren]

Right?

[Joe DeRosa]

Didn't look.

[Chris G]

Didn't sound as good.

[CJ]

That's gotta be it.

[Lauren]

Which one was better? That one. All right, so CJ. CJ's taco. So based on CJ winning a taco in their personal interviews, if CJ won, let me see your green flags.

[Chris G]

Good job, cj.

[Lauren]

It's a lot of green flags.

[Chris G]

All right, you guys.

[Lauren]

Chris, let me see your green flags for Chris.

[Chris G]

Let's go. This guy's got me. This guy's got me.

[Lauren]

Hey, hey, cj, you're sticking around. Chris, thank you so much for playing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank you, Kristoff.

[Lauren]

All right, cj, you can go back, but stick around. So for our final finale, we're gonna have the three contestants come back out, and they're gonna sing karaoke. They get about a minute through the song.

[Joe DeRosa]

You might as well eat it off the floor. The kid lives in a fucking tent.

[Chris]

Is it bad that I ate it?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes. You're gonna wake up with a canker sword tomorrow.

[Chris]

Am I gonna get Covid?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes, you're gonna eat Covid.

[Chris]

I mean, it was good. I want to eat the other one really bad.

[Joe DeRosa]

Just do it. You're already in anyway. Just do it. Put a zins in it.

[Lauren]

While Joe eats that so, Chris, our three that are coming back.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Lauren]

Is Scott the big gay?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yep. Big gay Scott, bgs.

[Lauren]

And then Christina.

[Joe DeRosa]

Christina, right?

[Lauren]

And then cj.

[Joe DeRosa]

Great. Grant. Look at those taco meat on the floor.

[Lauren]

Did they get it on your shoes?

[Joe DeRosa]

No, thank. No. But this. Ugh. It does looks like that kid's fucking pants.

[Lauren]

What did we like about Scott the most?

[Joe DeRosa]

Scott. What do we like about Scott? He was. He was funny. He was good on the date. He just had a lot more energy than the other kid. The other kid literally looked like he was dead.

[Lauren]

Yeah, Miles. Miles was a little.

[Joe DeRosa]

He just wasn't talking. But he seems like he could have been a good kid, but Scott just had better energy.

[Lauren]

I like Scott too. And then Christina and Ayahuasca. I actually really liked Ayahuasca. She was nice.

[Joe DeRosa]

Aya was nice.

[Lauren]

Yeah, but she's young. She needs to go do her taxes.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

And then we had Chris and cj. I loved cj. CJ was really cool. I'm glad he won. I don't have any feedback. All right, let's go ahead and bring them out. We're gonna bring out all three. Scott, Christina, and cj. All right, you guys, so this is our grand finale. We're gonna do karaoke. Scott, we're gonna start with you. The mic, I think, is over there.

[Joe DeRosa]

For the meat on the floor.

[Lauren]

The lyrics are gonna be right behind you.

[Scott]

Right behind me.

[Lauren]

All right, so this is gonna be. It Wasn't Me by Shaggy.

[Scott]

You guys all know this part. It's like the weird. It's the weird talking before the song. I don't act. I'm a singer. Oh, with who? The girl next door, you know? Oh, yeah, man. Say it wasn't you.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right.

[Scott]

Honey came in and she called me red handed Creeping with that girl next door Picture this sweetwater boat but they naked banging on the bathroom floor how could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there, she never took her eyes out.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hell yeah. Good shit, dude.

[Lauren]

Wow, that was really good.

[Joe DeRosa]

You killed that. You killed that.

[Chris]

Did you pick that song for him?

[Lauren]

No, he picked that song. All right, Christina, that's a.

[Chris]

That's a strong opening.

[Lauren]

I want to see what you got. What song do we have for Christina here? Oh, My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right, you got this. Oh, yeah. Saucy needs to come out.

[Christina]

What you gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?

[Lauren]

I'm gonna get, get, get you drunk get you, get my hump, my Hump.

[Christina]

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump My lovely little lungs Check it out I drive these lungs crazy I do it on the daily they treat me really nicely I Friday all these icy Dolce and Gabbana Fendi and Madonna Karen they be sharing all that money got me wearing fly L, A and S and they say they give it up for Casino.

[Lauren]

And her lovely lady home all right, cj, you're up.

[CJ]

Oh, yeah, I'm up. I'm always up.

[Joe DeRosa]

The pride of Homa all right. I believe I can fly oh, here we go. From the guy you're probably going to share a cellmate with.

[CJ]

It's a long intro. You know, he's got to get ready.

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you want to pee on me?

[CJ]

Yeah, that's right.

[Joe DeRosa]

Get into it.

[CJ]

He's got to get his pants unbugled first.

[Chris]

I can't believe I ate those tacos.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, God.

[Lauren]

Dude, that meat has been sitting out for a while.

[CJ]

I used to think that I could not go Nothing but an awful song but now I know the meaning of true love I'm leaning on the everlasting.

[Lauren]

Arms.

[CJ]

If I can see it then I can do it if I can just believe it there's nothing to it I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky I think about it every night and day Spread my legs and pierce away I believe I can so do that procedure See me running through that whole window I believe I can fly.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hell, yeah, dude.

[Lauren]

Oh, my goodness.

[Joe DeRosa]

You killed that dude.

[Chris]

That was really good.

[Joe DeRosa]

You gotta quit comedy and just do karaoke.

[Chris]

That was really good.

[Lauren]

That was wildly good. All right, you guys, we have to vote for our winner now.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, this is gonna be so hard, what you're doing.

[Lauren]

Where's our trophy?

[Joe DeRosa]

It already is.

[Chris]

No, I think there's a. I. I mean, that was. It was just. There's a clear winner here this evening.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes.

[Lauren]

No, behind.

[Chris]

Yes. This hick just showed us his gift. He won.

[Lauren]

I don't know. Scott was really good, too, dude.

[Joe DeRosa]

He was singing like he was in Deliverance.

[Lauren]

Joe, behind you is a trophy. Will you get it?

[Chris]

This one?

[Joe DeRosa]

What?

[Lauren]

Is there a trophy?

[Chris]

Just this? Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Is that it?

[Lauren]

Okay, great.

[Joe DeRosa]

CJ's like, I could fish with that.

[Lauren]

These are golden flags. All right, you guys. So we have to pick our winner tonight. If Scott won tonight. Let me see your flags. Let me hear you, Christina. Cj. All right. CJ wins.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, I was gonna give it to Christina. Yeah.

[Lauren]

Thank you guys so much for playing Congratulations, C.J.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was unbelievable.

[Lauren]

That was really good. All right, you guys. Well, that is our live show for tonight. Thank you guys for coming up. Give it up for Chris and Joe.

[Chris]

Thanks, guys. Thanks, Lauren. Thank you, Lauren, everybody.

[Lauren]

My pleasure. Have a great night.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank you.

[Aya]

First date.

[Lauren]

Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner?

[Scott]

First date.

[Lauren]

I can't wait. You told your mom about me?

[Chris]

Just say you're ready.

[Lauren]

Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommate. First date.