Glow Ups and Celebrity Exes w/ Dylan Carlino | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Glow Ups and Celebrity Exes w/ Dylan Carlino" | First Date with Lauren Compton

Episode Information:

• Title: Glow Ups and Celebrity Exes w/ Dylan Carlino
• Host: Lauren Compton
• Guest: Dylan Carlino
• Release Date: February 18, 2025

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Introduction

In this lively episode of First Date with Lauren Compton, host Lauren engages in a candid and humorous conversation with her guest, Dylan Carlino—a local comedian and podcast host from Austin. The episode navigates through personal journeys, dating dynamics, and the complexities of past relationships, all infused with Dylan's characteristic wit and bluntness.

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Personal Journeys and Weight Loss Struggles

Dylan's Transformation: Dylan opens up about his significant weight loss journey, attributing it to personal motivations and challenges. He discusses battling addictions, including Adderall and alcohol, which led to fluctuating weights and eventual relocation to Austin for a fresh start.

• Notable Quote:
  Dylan (05:03): "I wanted to have sex. No one. What are you talking about?"

Lauren's Pregnancy: Lauren shares her excitement about her impending motherhood, hinting at concerns regarding how her public persona will intertwine with her personal life as a parent.

• Notable Quote:
  Lauren (20:14): "Like, next week."

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Dating Dynamics and Sexuality

Sexual Experiences: The conversation delves into Dylan's experiences with dating apps like Grindr, emphasizing the hookup culture and the challenges of forming meaningful connections. He humorously critiques men's intentions and behaviors in the dating scene.

• Notable Quote:
  Dylan (08:00): "I'm off Grindr because of that one guy. It's like, I don't like when people have heard me."

Exploring Sexuality: Dylan candidly discusses his sexual orientation, past relationships, and preferences, navigating through topics like bisexual experiences and the complexities of sexual identity.

• Notable Quote:
  Dylan (24:38): "I'm fucking gay."

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Celebrity Exes and Public Perception

Lauren's Boyfriend: A significant portion of the episode centers around Lauren's boyfriend and his past relationships with celebrities. Dylan playfully dissects the potential red flags and public perceptions associated with dating someone who has a "laundry list" of high-profile exes.

• Notable Quote:
  Dylan (09:36): "If you have abs and you're drinking a glass of milk, it's like, okay, well, what am I supposed to be eating?"

Impact on Personal Relationships: The dialogue explores how celebrity exes can influence current relationships, touching upon themes of jealousy, trust, and the stigma attached to dating within the public eye.

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Challenges of Public Life and Privacy

Navigating Fame: Both Lauren and Dylan discuss the challenges of maintaining privacy amidst fame. Dylan expresses concerns about being recognized and stalked due to his public persona, while Lauren reflects on her experiences with Playboy and media exposure.

• Notable Quote:
  Dylan (19:19): "You have to learn how to fight. And I've watched a lot of, like, Jennifer Garner movies."

Father-Daughter Dynamics: Lauren shares anecdotes about her relationship with her late father, blending humor with heartfelt moments, and how it shapes her interactions and self-perception.

• Notable Quote:
  Lauren (35:36): "He's dead."

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Humorous Banter and Light-Hearted Moments

Throughout the episode, Lauren and Dylan engage in playful and sometimes edgy humor. Their back-and-forth includes jokes about physical appearances, dating mishaps, and exaggerated scenarios, contributing to an entertaining and dynamic conversation.

• Notable Quote:
  Dylan (31:02): "Men are also in every single city in America. Are having sex in the steam rooms. Your husbands, I mean, they really are."

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Concluding Thoughts

The episode wraps up with Lauren and Dylan reflecting on their conversation, highlighting the blend of humor and vulnerability that characterizes their interaction. They touch upon future endeavors, such as Dylan's podcast and Lauren's upcoming motherhood, leaving listeners with a sense of anticipation for their continued journeys.

• Notable Quote:
  Dylan (44:12): "I'm blowing up online. Follow me there."

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Key Takeaways

• Personal Growth: Both hosts navigate significant personal changes—Lauren with her pregnancy and Dylan with his weight loss and sobriety.
• Dating Challenges: The episode sheds light on the complexities of modern dating, especially within the LGBTQ+ community.
• Public vs. Private Life: Balancing public personas with personal privacy remains a central theme.
• Humor as Coping: Lauren and Dylan use humor to discuss and cope with their personal and professional challenges.

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Conclusion

"Glow Ups and Celebrity Exes w/ Dylan Carlino" offers an unfiltered glimpse into the lives of Lauren Compton and Dylan Carlino. Through candid discussions and sharp humor, the episode delves into themes of personal transformation, the intricacies of dating, and the impact of public relationships. Listeners are treated to an engaging conversation that balances laughter with genuine introspection.

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Note: All quotes are attributed to the respective speakers with timestamps for reference.

Transcript

[A]

This cold and flu season, Instacart is here to help deliver all of your sick day essentials. Whether you're in prevention mode and need vitamins, hand sanitizer, and that lemon tea your nana swears by, or you're in healing mode and need medicine, soup, and a lot more tissues, simply download the Instacart app to get sick day supplies that reinvigorate or relieve. Delivered in as fast as 30 minutes, plus enjoy. Zero delivery fees on your first three orders. Excludes restaurant orders, service fees and terms apply. She's like, oh, thank God someone's nice.

[B]

Don't worry, Penny. I got you. Your mom's gonna start abusing you when she starts having a real baby.

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight.

[B]

First date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date.

[A]

Hello and welcome to another episode of First Date Today. My guest is one of my favorite people in Austin. He's a local comic. He's also the host of the Some of this is Bad podcast. Give it up for my friend Dylan Carlino.

[B]

Hello. Hi, Lauren.

[A]

How are you?

[B]

I'm good. You know, it's funny. I watched the Ari Maddie episode to kind of get the feel of it, and he's right. Your intro's way too long.

[A]

Does he say that?

[B]

The first thing he says, he goes, God, that song is long. And I. It couldn't be that long.

[A]

And then I didn't even. I block that out of my head whenever he said that. I guess it just went in one ear and out the other.

[B]

Also, I love how your entire intro is kind of like, oh, I'm horny.

[A]

Is it?

[B]

It's very sexual.

[A]

I mean, it's also like a glass of milk with dinner.

[B]

Yeah, but you. That. You said, like, fat phobic. You're like, oh, you're having a glass of milk with that. You peg. Like, it was almost kind of like.

[A]

Whoa, who drinks a glass of milk now?

[B]

I actually haven't had a glass of milk in 20 years.

[A]

But what would you think if you went out with someone and they drank a full glass of milk?

[B]

I'm not a woman, so I don't, like, make these, like, crazy assumptions like, oh, my God, he's. I mean, I don't know. What does he look like? Is he hot as shit and have, like, abs? Drink whatever you want. Clearly, I'm doing something wrong. That's fine. If you have abs and you're drinking a glass of milk, it's like, okay, well, what am I supposed to be eating? These are all like, women issues being like, oh, he had a glass of milk. I'm like, okay, well, how big is dick? Like, that's the real problem.

[A]

I feel like I judge people so hard on the kind of milk they drink, though. Like, when you go to a coffee shop and you get coffee.

[B]

What are you, an almond girl?

[A]

No, I'm a whole. Well, now that I'm pregnant, I'm like, I call it full fat.

[B]

Yeah. Cause you are fat phobic, Laura.

[A]

Like, I'm not just, like, a whole milk. I'm like, I want your fullest, fattest milk.

[B]

I hope you take this as, like, the kindest way possible. Cause I mean it. Cause they're, like, so pretty. But, like, you. Like, even though you say, like, don't you judge the way people drink milk? I'm sure you judge everything. Everyone does. Because you seem, like, very me. Like, in high school, you would have been, like, ripped me apart. No, you. I'm sure you. I'm sure you were the meanest girl in high school.

[A]

I was not.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I was so unpopular in high school, it wasn't even funny.

[B]

Were you, like, a little ugly duckling?

[A]

I was definitely not cute.

[B]

What does that mean? Do you have a boyfriend in high school?

[A]

I did.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But that doesn't mean that I was hot.

[B]

Was he on the football team?

[A]

No.

[B]

What did he do?

[A]

He was into wakeboarding. He had a boat. I liked guys that were fun.

[B]

Oh, my God. My boyfriend wakeboards. But I wasn't hot. Shut the fuck up. We both know you were hot as shit. You had your little highlights in. You were calling all the girls.

[A]

Did you have a boyfriend?

[B]

No. I used to be £400. I've never had a boyfriend, Lauren. I'm newly hot.

[A]

How are you newly hot?

[B]

Because I lost £200.

[A]

How?

[B]

Hard work.

[A]

Like, in the gym?

[B]

Yeah, in the gym. I don't do, like, the pills or anything like that. I would. I'll do anything to look good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Literally anything.

[A]

Did he. I'm assuming you had to diet.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And when I was 21 or 22, when I started going to CrossFit, and which I don't know if you ever seen someone £400 in CrossFit, but then not doing it right. And I know I wasn't. And then.

[A]

That looks painful.

[B]

It was not. It was very. You know, people always say, if you want to be fat, I'm totally fine with that. Live your life. I actually don't. I don't hate fat people at all. I love. I love fat people. I love skinny people. I hate kind of fat people because, like, me, that's how I know you're fat. Phobic. Because you're pregnant. Being like, I'm huge. It's like you have literally a nine month baby inside of you. No, but you know when you see someone who's like, just like 30 pounds overweight for a couple of years, you go like, that's the sign of true laziness because they just have to change one thing. They could just, like, stop drinking soda and they would lose it over the course. But they're committed to being lazy. Someone who's foreign, it's hard to be £400. You have to constantly be eating. You do. I used to eat two full family styles of Chinese food takeout. Two of them. Make myself sick. I'd be like, I think I just tore my stomach lining. You know what I mean? Like, it's hard to be fat.

[A]

So what inspired you to lose weight?

[B]

I wanted to have sex. No one. What are you talking about? Lauren, I'm a man. And see, listen, here's the thing. Women will fuck fat straight men because they have, like, empathy and kindness inside of them. I'm dealing with men. They are animals. They're like, I'm not touching you, pig. You have to be hot. Or you're like a fetish. And listen, I don't want to be somebody's fetish.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just want to be like, normal hot.

[A]

Let's go ahead and get into some appetizer questions. What is your. Do you have a celebrity crush?

[B]

What is this? Theo James.

[A]

Theo James?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. He's like the hottest guy in the world.

[A]

How do I not know who this person is?

[B]

Is there pictures? Can we look up Theo James? He was in White Lotus. He was in. He played foreign. Divergent. You didn't see that?

[A]

Never saw that.

[B]

What kind of movies do you like?

[A]

Harry Potter.

[B]

You? Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Would you. Voldemort. What if he was really rich?

[A]

If I was really drunk.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I knew that he, like, wasn't gonna kill me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want him, like.

[A]

Because I'd be choked out.

[B]

I'm sure you have been.

[A]

Okay, so this is the guy. Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah, but I think this is kind of like basic. I think we all think this guy's hot.

[A]

Yeah, who doesn't?

[B]

Exactly, I guess. Who's the ugliest person you would have sex with?

[A]

Oh, I almost said my boyfriend.

[B]

Wait, can we look up a picture of Lauren's boyfriend? I want to see if I Had to tuck his. Can you look up Lauren's boyfriend? I know he's, like, rich, so I'm sure he's pulling it. He's in the barbecue, so I'm sure he's gonna.

[A]

He's so attractive, though. I just. To be mean. I just wanted to say. It was just.

[B]

You did say he was. Which one is he?

[A]

That's him on the right. Right there. Okay, so.

[B]

Oh, hold on. He was mean in high school.

[A]

Let's do. Oh, my goodness. This is. We're playing a video of him. There's one in him. The white apron. Can we go down with the backwards hat and the gloves on? There's, like, me and then there's him. Yeah. Is that a video?

[B]

Lauren, you sound so disappointed. While you're pointing him out.

[A]

There he is. He's on the right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. He actually looks way better than that in person. That's not his best photo. It's an awful photo.

[B]

Hey, he's rich.

[A]

He actually looks nice in that photo. I mean, he is nice, but, like, he looks meaner.

[B]

Is he mean?

[A]

No, but I like the look of, like, a guy when you're not sure if this guy's gonna be an asshole or if they're gonna be kind, and then they just are kind.

[B]

Oh. My type of guy that I'm attracted to is like, he looks homophobic. Like, he looks like he would beat the out of me for talking.

[A]

Have you ever had sex with a straight guy?

[B]

I mean, okay, what is.

[A]

I know that's a weird question, right?

[B]

But you know what's so funny about this? And. Oh, God, maybe this is too bad. You are actually. You're part of the reason why I've stopped. I'm off Grindr because I would got addicted to jerking off with straight guys on Grindr, and because, well, they're straight. I don't hook up with straight guys in real life because I am a pussy. But if you're on Grindr, you're like, I'm straight or bi or.

[A]

I thought Grindr was just a dating app.

[B]

No, it's for sex. And so I know you don't, like, zoom. No, let me explain Grindr to you. Cause I think straight people are really confused by it. So you know how on Tinder, like, a picture comes up and you go, like, left, right? It'll be, like, two miles away. If I pulled up Grindr right now, and let's say one of the producers in the booth right now was on Grindr, and I pulled it up. It's a grid and it goes by who's closest. I'm sure one of them is on there. And I would pull it up and it would say, like, you know, Tanner, zero feet away. You know what I mean? And with his little twink body, he'd be very popular on there. I'll tell you, if Tanner was gay, I'll tell you right now, it's over for him. He would be ripped up. But yeah, and so. But so.

[A]

So it's just for hooking up.

[B]

Yeah, and they tell you so. It would be like zero feet away and he'd be the closest person to you. So it's a grid so you can meet up with people really quickly. And so there was this guy that I've jerked off with a couple times. If you're listening right now, I'm sure he is. He's a big fan of you. And I. I'm not going to give any descriptions about you away, but after the last time we jerked off together, he was like, did you interview Lauren Compton? I was like, I'm getting off the app. This is insane. He goes, I love her. And I was like, yeah, she's great.

[A]

So you guys just sit there together.

[B]

And jack off and, like, watch porn.

[A]

But you don't touch each other?

[B]

No, not some guys. You do, but not always. Sometimes you're just bored. This is guy stuff, Lauren, okay? This is the boys. Let me tell you something. The way I just saw your boyfriend looks like he's jerking off with guys. I'll tell you that right now. You think that the owner of Terry's Black isn't beating his fucking meat brisket in the back of that at that restaurant? I think not. I'll tell you right now.

[A]

You know that he's dated more celebrities than I have.

[B]

That's a red flag for me. He likes attention. Are you getting me? You want to date? Who celebrities has he dated?

[A]

I'm like, not supposed to say.

[B]

They'll bleep it.

[A]

He's dated. Gross.

[B]

No, gross. Don't ever.

[A]

I know.

[B]

No.

[A]

Fudge that bitch.

[B]

Okay. You hate her. Have you met her?

[A]

No, but she fucked my boyfriend.

[B]

She's been through a lot. I think we need to give her praise for. Wow.

[A]

I know. Talk about a real stunt my ego growth.

[B]

No, but you're. You're absolutely beautiful.

[A]

Thank you. But I'm not.

[B]

Well, that's a different kind of hot. You're blonde hot. She's brown hair hot. They're not the same. That's the only difference for men. That's all they care About Lauren. You have no idea how men work, okay? They like blondes or brown hair. That's crazy. Have you met any of these girls?

[A]

No, but I could keep going. Yeah, please keep going. She's got a laundry list.

[B]

Who's the coolest one?

[A]

Oh, you know what?

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

I think this is cool. Because it's like so out of his wheelhouse.

[B]

I'm a straight up and I know who. That's crazy.

[A]

Isn't that bananas?

[B]

Don't cut any of this out. No, people do you realize guys already over the Internet are constantly jerking it to you and now they know that your boyfriend fucked. I mean, that's huge. Ugh. If I was a girl, I'd look like her.

[A]

I mean, and the list goes on, but we'll stop. And he's dated me.

[B]

Yeah. No, and you're incredible.

[A]

I'm the one who got pregnant.

[B]

Yeah. And was that on purpose or you just. That was you as planned it or you were just like, put it in.

[A]

I'm sorry, Penny. This little dog like pops up. She's like, what's going on? How about some main course questions? Dylan, we're going to move on from this.

[B]

Oh, come. We're having so much.

[A]

So you lost a lot of weight because you wanted to get fud.

[B]

Yeah, of course. I mean, like, men don't fuck fat people unless it's a photo.

[A]

Has any guy ever given you a really cool gift?

[B]

Oh, my God. Here's the thing. Like, I'm not so. Okay, so you are going through like straight dating habits where like men have to jump through hoops to get pussy because it's a supply chain issue. Like, like, it's just that, that's how it is. Like, men have to try so hard to get women to have sex with them game. We just have sex with each other. There's no gifts involved. I think like one time a guy bought my Uber and I was like. He actually gave me a sweatshirt from his closet one time. I' worn again. It's so ugly. I mean, I. I've been never given anything. I'm not hot like that. You know what I mean?

[A]

I mean, a free Uber ride.

[B]

I think it was like a couple mile. It was like a seven dollar Uber.

[A]

Okay. You know, but like no gifts for. I feel like gay people. Y'all are so like, y'all are rich though.

[B]

I'm. Well, I'm a poor game. I'm trying to get money now, but thank God, you know? Please follow me, guys. I. I literally need money. I have. I lost 200 pounds. I need skin surgery, please. I'm not. I'm definitely not rich, but if I was rich, I wouldn't. I would take my shirt off. I'll tell you that right now. And that's not going to happen on this podcast. A gift? No. I mean, one time a guy gave me gonorrhea during the pandemic. Is that a gift? Is that a gift? I walked into Planned Parenthood and I said, I know I shouldn't have been meeting up in March of 2020. And she. And she was like, we all make mistakes. Is that a gift, Lauren?

[A]

I'll take it.

[B]

And then when I told him he gave me gonorrhea, he was like, no, I didn't.

[A]

And then I denied it.

[B]

And then I go, well, you know what? I actually went through a weight gain. I haven't had sex in eight months. And then he was like, well, then, sorry. Is that a gift?

[A]

Why. Why was he so callous? He, like, wasn't. He didn't even give a.

[B]

No, I think he had, like, just gotten into a relationship. So he was like, clearly his new boyfriend had given him gonorrhea, and then he gave it to me. And so. Because in gay world, we're allowed to have sex with other people without, like, the.

[A]

Yeah, y'all are, like, so promiscuous.

[B]

Whoa. Homophobic. Okay. No. Yeah, That's a huge problem. 100. It's a huge problem in our community.

[A]

How do you think. How. How do you feel about that? If you're in a relationship, do you. Do you want someone to be exclusive with you?

[B]

Oh, that's so beautiful. Never been in a relationship. I'm very guarded and closed off, so I've never had a boyfriend looking for one. If there's any guys who want to hang out, I'm sure you have a huge gay male listenership. Right.

[A]

By the way you're saying I'm talking. Probably not.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Guys are probably like, whoa.

[B]

I feel like gay guys would like you because you're, like, really pretty and kind of mean. But I.

[A]

I'm never mean to anybody.

[B]

No, but you look like you would call, like, I. Like you said earlier, like, you were saying that, like, you're having a boy. And I thought to myself, like, oh, good. Like, there's gonna be one less girl with an eating disorder in the world. You know what I mean? I feel like if you had a daughter, it would be especially. She's throwing back Terry Black. She'd be huge. You'd be so disappointed. You Know what was the question I.

[A]

Was asking you if you had like a boyfriend or relationship?

[B]

I would be open. I've never been in a relationship if I was in one.

[A]

Oh. And how to fix the promiscuous problem.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I. I don't think. I think men can't have sex with other people without feelings getting involved. And so I would be fine having sex with other people if maybe I would like to be monogamous for a while or I'm down if I like really fell in love with somebody to like wear like cat like necklaces with our blood on it and like be like, we're together forever.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

Yeah. But I'm looking for like someone that I feel like I've had a past.

[A]

So 0 to 100.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Very quickly.

[B]

I'm an addict.

[A]

What's your type?

[B]

Oh, I don't have one. But I like hot. Like, I don't care if they're short, I don't care if they're tall.

[A]

What's hot? Like a chiseled face.

[B]

But there's so many different kinds of hot personality.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That I like. There's. Well, are we talking about for relationships or sex? Because sex. I could have sex with like just a hot guy with like the worst personality ever and just walk away and.

[A]

Be like, oh, yeah, let's pick one.

[B]

Let's do relationship. Okay, then he needs to be funny and cool and not annoying and like maybe read every once in a while, but also like hot as like. I don't know. I don't know. What? What's hot? What's hot to you?

[A]

Well, I. I don't really. I feel like this is the lamest answer ever. But personality to me is what really hooks me because I don't like super fucking hot guys. I don't want someone that all the other girls are like, oh my God, he's so hot.

[B]

Yeah. I like a rat faced man too, but I. I can be really. No, I could totally be into someone who's like, kind of ugly.

[A]

I want to be the hot person in the relationship.

[B]

I. But I think that's very female.

[A]

You don't want to be the hot person in your relationship?

[B]

No, I just want to dog out some hot dude.

[A]

Besides Grindr, how do you meet hot guys?

[B]

I don't. I just. Grindr.

[A]

Just Grinder.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What about your shows though? You're so funny.

[B]

I appreciate that. But gay men are not at the show. Every single night. I go like other gay men here. Silence. I'm performing for straight dude. I mean, like, it's like actually scary. I go like, where are they?

[A]

Do you think that they're just undercover gay guys?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, like, I'm letting people know I'm looking guys in the eyes. I'm, you know, looking at them saying like, do you want your sucked? I'm asking guys this while I'm on stage.

[A]

That's so intimidating though.

[B]

Yeah. I think I'm also 6 5, so I think, sorry, girls and I women will literally someone who's 65 with like a deformed face and be like, he's so cool. But like, not me. I, I like short guys. I like tall guys. I don't know. Two tall guys is kind of too much though. It's a lot in the bedroom besides.

[A]

Grindr and meeting up. Do you go on dates, like real dates where you sit down and eat food and have a conversation and then.

[B]

I haven't in years.

[A]

Stop looking at me like I gave you a Rubik's cube.

[B]

Okay, well, I haven't in years. I'm trying to think. It's so embarrassing to be like, I guess I don't go on dates. Well, I'm very emotionally closed off and so most of the times when I meet with guys, I'm meeting them for the first time while they're opening their apartment door.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How long does someone like that usually last with you?

[B]

Oh, I mean, I'm 45 minutes and then I go home. Dylan. I'm mostly just hooking up.

[A]

But that seems like what you want then.

[B]

No, I'm really sad and I, I, I'm lacking connection and I'm lonely and I, Yeah, I would love for someone to look at me in the eyes and say, like, I see you. But there, that's not happening.

[A]

If anything comes from this podcast, it's like a two date time for you.

[B]

That's fine. Or if the straight guys are listening who want to send me pictures of their cock. DMS are open. But I have.

[A]

Why don't you have an only fans?

[B]

I. Well, I do have an only fans. Why? You want me to jerk off on camera? Lauren?

[A]

No, but I'm just saying that that might be a really great place for.

[B]

You to what, meet guys and have them pay for my cock? My huge fucking dick, just to jerk it off?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, do you have an only fans?

[A]

Have you not thought of that?

[B]

Were you a cam girl if I looked like you?

[A]

I'm a fine cam girl.

[B]

You're like on chatterbait with pigtails in being like, I'm 17 you're like in a kiddie pool, being in like a one suit.

[A]

I've never done anything sexual like that online.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Online?

[B]

If I looked like you. Oh, yeah. Sounds like the owner of Terry Black likes him young. Okay, cut that. Okay, I'm in trouble.

[A]

No, I had an only fans, but it was like very Playboy style. I would just take like nude photos and do behind the scenes videos.

[B]

Oh, cool. I'm doing the only fans comedy special thing that they put out, so I think I do have one. So sign up for that. You can see a special. I mean, a ten minute special soon, but.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or don't. Who cares?

[A]

That's not the attitude.

[B]

Oh, you're right. Well, I mean, listen, I may be one of the most famous people in the world, so it really doesn't matter. I mean, they'll see it at some point.

[A]

What about your podcast, though?

[B]

Oh, the gay guys who listen to my podcast, they are hungry for it. They do. They message me a lot.

[A]

And you're not interested in any of them?

[B]

I don't. I feel really uncomfortable when someone has, like, heard me. Like, I said that, like, I wouldn't hang. I got off Grinder because of that one guy. It's like, I don't like when people have, like, heard me on podcasts and then, like, know more about me than I've shared to them because it's, like, performative. And then I get nervous that they're stalking me.

[A]

You don't want to be stalked.

[B]

I'm also one not hot enough to be stalked. And then also, yeah, I don't want to be stalked.

[A]

You're very attractive, though.

[B]

Oh, let's not do this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Immediately gives up. I love that. Okay.

[A]

I have no fight in me.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, no, I know. You're like, I know.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah. No. And when are you giving birth?

[A]

Like, next week.

[B]

Are you really?

[A]

It could be.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you scared? I mean, not of giving birth, of the fact that when you're 13, they're all gonna be making jokes about how they're gonna dog you out.

[A]

Dog me out?

[B]

You don't think all of your son's friends are gonna be like, I fucked Lauren Compton?

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

Oh, your son's gonna be 13. All his little Austinite rich friends are all gonna be like, lauren's the fucking hot Tanner.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

Yeah, it's very true.

[A]

Oh, cool.

[B]

Yeah, you're like, kind of hot mom kid ass. Yeah, but.

[A]

Right. Isn't he perfect? He's the perfect person to ask that question.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

God damn it. Lie to me, Tanner.

[B]

No. Be happy. Being a hot mom's cool. It is cool.

[A]

Is it like, Stacy's mom has got it going on?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Song, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, I'll take that.

[B]

And then when they're all 17, you're, like, kind of flirting back in a really inappropriate way, and we're like, lauren, stop.

[A]

I'm very scared that they'll know how to use the Internet, and they'll be like, did you know that this is your mom?

[B]

Yeah. But you've done nothing sexual on the Internet.

[A]

I'm so naked on the Internet.

[B]

That's just a body that they're gonna be jerking it to. Yeah, girl, you're screwed.

[A]

I've been on the COVID of Playboy.

[B]

That's so cool.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Have you met the other girls?

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Have you met Holly?

[A]

I have lots of Playboy friends.

[B]

Whoa. Whoa.

[A]

Yeah. Playmates and I.

[B]

Anything bad happen?

[A]

I mean, which time? Give me a location and I'll give you some tea.

[B]

Oh, my God. I was obsessed with that TV show, the House Bunnies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I loved that.

[A]

We. I went to. I did a show in Argentina with three other Playmates.

[B]

Did you, like, sign an NDA that you're not allowed to talk about?

[A]

No. You can literally go watch this show anywhere online. And I was very young. I was, like, 21.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

So I, like, was just barely legal to drink, and believe me, they gave us all the alcohol.

[B]

Oh, I'm sure.

[A]

But it was freezing, like, snowing in Patagonia. And so it was me and three other naked girls frolicking around with a bunch of llamas in the snow.

[B]

Did you always know you wanted to be do Playboy?

[A]

No. It was a dare. I didn't. I didn't seek it out. My cousin dared me to audition and.

[B]

And you were just hot enough. They were like, we'll take ya.

[A]

Pretty much.

[B]

That's cool. Did you have a positive experience with it?

[A]

I had a great experience all the way up until the very last day when I quit and I walked out of the office and I never, ever went back.

[B]

Oh, good for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you ever want to be one of half girls?

[A]

No, I did not. Have you seen half?

[B]

I feel like if I was a girl, I'd be, like, one of the girls.

[A]

There's not enough money in the world.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. You're not money motivated.

[A]

Do you know, like, the goosebumps guy, the skeleton guy?

[B]

I know. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That was, like, half in real life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, And I can only Talk shit about him because he's dead.

[B]

Yeah, well, his son's kind of cute, right?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I mean, maybe he's gay.

[B]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[A]

I mean, he could be. He's seen so many girls that he's probably numb.

[B]

I heard this on the Internet, and they say that guys who have sex with a lot of women are actually just gay. Do you agree?

[A]

Guys who have sex with a lot of women?

[B]

Yeah. If you met a guy who was like, I fucked 500 women, you'd just be like, well, that's because you're gay.

[A]

I never have thought about that.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I'd ask how many guys they've had sex with.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I do feel like, after us, like, if you're having sex with 500 girls, what are you after?

[B]

Like, it's like, who are you doing this for?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is there anything exciting going on there? Are you bored?

[B]

That's the thing. And once they get bored, that's when they're like, what about men?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a whole nother sex out there.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Wild.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

Did you have gay friends in school in high school? Yeah.

[B]

No, I wasn't out in high school. No. I was like, me and an army of women, like, arm to arm, walking down the hallway. They're all like, he's not gay. Like, it was like. And then there was, like, I went to a really small school in Massachusetts, and so then there was like, one kid who was, like, not out, but everybody knew was gay. In the grade above me, same situation, the grave below me. And I was like, those two can stay the, away from me.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because you don't want to be associated with other people who have the gay rumor. Because then other people are going to call you gay even though everybody was already calling you.

[A]

So did you have a fake girlfriend?

[B]

No.

[A]

When did you come out as gay?

[B]

Like, a month after high school. I, I, this is small town Massachusetts. I remember, like, I was, like, really much in denial and I didn't want to be gay. And so then, but then, like, my senior year, I remember, like, driving and being like, okay, I'm gay, I'm gay. You know, I like, I really like. But I, like, took, I never said it out loud. And I was, like, driving. I was in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, and I was, I'm fucking gay.

[A]

What was the, what was the thing that made you say that?

[B]

I think it was, like, probably just the years of jerking off to gay porn that I was kind of like, it finally clicked. Like, this isn't a phase.

[A]

Solid. Very solid.

[B]

Yeah. Like, it was like, how many of these videos can you really watch? Being like, I'm looking at the girl, but. And I remember being like, okay, maybe I'll come out. Maybe I'll come out my senior year. And then the next day was in class and that kid I was talking about who was in the grade below me, they were like, did you hear Blang came out of the closet in college. And everybody started being like, he's a fucking. And I go, whoop. Not coming out in high school. I go, I'll just wait till we're out of here. How about that?

[A]

One of my favorite words.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It's always good just to hear a nine month pregnant woman just yellow into a microphone. I go, wow, Lauren, that's really good.

[A]

But I mean it in like a nice way.

[B]

You do look, like right before your boyfriend climaxes, you grab him by the throat and call him a.

[A]

I've never done that.

[B]

And he shoots a huge load. Like, that's probably how you got pregnant.

[A]

He called it the day that I got pregnant.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He was like, sorry I dumped a load in you.

[A]

He was like, like, that's triplets.

[B]

That's. Oh, God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They had been backed up.

[A]

We waited. I was like, let's. Let's clear clean the pipes.

[B]

Yeah. Are you so excited to just have like these like barbecue babies that all.

[A]

Just smell like different flavors of meat?

[B]

Yeah. Do you like the barbecue?

[A]

I do like the barbecue. Have you had the barbecue?

[B]

I haven't.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I'm not like a. I just think like a potato salad should be eaten.

[A]

You want to know where some secret gay guys are?

[B]

Are they at Terry Black's?

[A]

In barbecue restaurants?

[B]

You think so?

[A]

I mean, they're bears. There's like big burly guys that are definitely gay in barbecue restaurants. And you would never know because they're like trying to be. Eat like a beef rib and.

[B]

Yeah. Well, you know how you said you want to be the only, like, hot person in a relationship? I kind of want to be the only fat person in a relationship. Like, I don't think the other person should be. Cut that jokes. I'm like saying up things and then being like, that's 100 a joke, so you can't get mad at me.

[A]

Well, you're 6 5. And how much do you weigh now?

[B]

Well, I don't weigh myself because I have an eating disorder, but probably around like 240.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's too fat to you, like, dating a guy. How? How?

[B]

I actually really don't care. What? I mean. Like, I. I'm. I'm very dedicated to taking care of myself because of my situation in the past that I. Because I got so fat, and I just felt so uncomfortable being fat. I never want that to be my lifestyle again. So I would need someone who has a similar lifestyle who's like, I, like, work out, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Six days a week now. Yeah, just.

[A]

So did you start losing weight, like, that month you got out of high school?

[B]

No. Oh, no. So I was fat in high school my whole life. And then. Well, what really happened is that my sister died when I was 13 years old. And then I didn't say her name for 10 years. And then I realized, oh, my God, I'm 500 pounds, and you have to work through things. And I just shoved everything down. And then I started losing the weight when I was, like, 22. I got, like. After high school, I gained all the weight. I, like, got addicted to Adderall, and I didn't realize it was, like, an addiction. I, like, thought, like, well, I'm supposed to be taking this medication. Well, that's why I'm taking, like, three pills a day. And, like, staying up for, like, days on an end. And then all my friends were like, we don't want to be around you anymore. So I was like, okay, I'll stop being on Adderall. But then it sent me into, like, a huge depression, and that's when I gained, like, hundreds of pounds because I was just, like, laying in bed eating and drinking every single day. Yeah, my life's a nightmare.

[A]

You guys are assholes.

[B]

Yeah, life's hard, guys, but things are good now. But, yeah, then I lost all this weight, and I moved across the country, and then I became an alcoholic, and I gained, like, 150 pounds back. And so then I was like, I gotta change. So I moved to Austin, quit drinking, and then now here we are, hotter than ever.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How do you feel?

[B]

Like, an inch away from slipping back and gaining that 10 pounds. I mean, like, I'm on the brink. I have not learned. I've just done, like, harm reduction. Like, I. I've eaten a pint of keto ice cream every single night for the last two years.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I'm, like, sick. Lauren, I need. I need help. And that's why they messaged me, and they said, do you want to come on Lauren's show? She's super fat, phobic, and will scare you into staying skinny. And I said yes.

[A]

I never thought that I'd be sitting across from you with a bigger belly, though. Like, this is very new for me.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I know how devastated you are, but we are going to work through this. We'll go to the gym together. Where do you go? Equinox. Oh, that sounds like a cult.

[A]

I don't think I'm supposed to say that, guys. Cut that. But, yeah, no, I. There's, like, a lock on the door. You have to, like, have a code to get in.

[B]

That's every single gym.

[A]

You can, like, walk.

[B]

Oh, you're right. You. You can usually walk.

[A]

This is like an app. And then the door unlocks.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But if you go up to it and you knock, they'll open it anyway.

[B]

So, guys.

[A]

Yeah, knock on the door. But beware, because at that.

[B]

Is it a good gym?

[A]

That's where, like, all the athletes are going.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Like football players. And so if you were to, like, come.

[B]

They got segregated steam rooms. Not by race. By gender.

[A]

No, no, you can go in the same.

[B]

Cut that bad joke.

[A]

The. You can go in the same sauna.

[B]

Together as men and women.

[A]

Huh.

[B]

Hate that. I think the sauna and steam room should be gendered really well. Not, like, don't get into all the crazy stuff, but, like. Yeah, I think I will. I think I don't want women around.

[A]

Why?

[B]

So we can all jerk off together.

[A]

Oh, I feel like I just. Sometimes men see stink.

[B]

No, no, sure. But men are also in every single city in America. Are having sex in the steam rooms. Your husbands, I mean, they really are.

[A]

Are they?

[B]

Yeah, they're like, if you go to the. I'm ask you a question. Have you ever gone to the steam room and said, like, there's like, signs on the door that says, like, do not have sex in here.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, it's all over.

[A]

Like, where are you going?

[B]

Go the Golds downtown. I don't have sex in public restrooms because I have a bad body now. Once I get the surgeries to remove all this skin, I'm getting my cock sucked in every single steam room in the country. You won't be able to stop me.

[A]

How.

[B]

See, they are too. They're scared that I'm sharing the secret. The producers are fucking quaking in their boots right now because they. Yeah, that's the secret.

[A]

They're about to eat up all of the men in Austin.

[B]

Yeah, basically.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Once I get that 15k.

[A]

Is that how much it costs?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like we should start you.

[B]

A gofundme but people who have gofundmes for plastic surgery are humiliating. So I'm gonna do the hard work and.

[A]

And do it yourself.

[B]

Of course. I have to do everything myself. I can't take handouts.

[A]

Do you feel like. Like, I feel like when girls will get a boob job or something, like, they're very excited about it and they tell everybody. Are you gonna tell anybody, or is this gonna just be, like, your personal. No, you're just gonna start being topless.

[B]

Lauren, you will never see me with a shirt on again. I. It will be so. I will never stop talking about it, ever. Yeah, I will be one of those. I'm like, I was socialized female with all my female friends. I, of course, will tell every single person. I'll be like, oh, you want to see? I'll get naked. I don't care. Now I'm like, I'm a fat kid in that locker room, like, being like, with, like, towels. Being like, guys, block me. A girl changing out of her little bikini, block me.

[A]

Oh, my God. What is a fun fact about being gay?

[B]

Oh, it's miserable. A fun fact about being gay. I think that. Oh, I'll say this. I think being gay, there's a freedom to it that, like, men, like, because you see all these men, these. I'm sure a lot of who are listening, even the producers right now, they're so angry. They're. That they are men across America. You see it in our political system right now. You see it all over. They get pissed about women and stuff like that and abortion, which is, like, crazy. And let's. Yeah. And I. And I just be clear. I am for late term abortions. And so I cut that. And so, no, there's this anger in men, I think, because there's this, like, masculinity race. And when you're gay and you have to, like, look at your dad in the eyes and be like, I have sex with men, it kind of, like, goes away. And you have this freedom to, like, I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. And there's, like, almost no judgment. And the only judgment that you get is from straight people kind of being like, well, yeah, like, yeah, he had sex with a hundred guys, but, like, what do you expect? He's gay. You know what I mean? Like, they don't expect anything from us. So you kind of get to live this entire alternate life of doing whatever you want. It's the most free you could ever be.

[A]

What did your dad say when you told him you were Gay.

[B]

Oh, I know.

[A]

That's all he said.

[B]

Yeah. I wasn't, like, playing football. I was, like, having sleepovers with girls and, like, starting drama in high school. You know what I mean? Like, I was, like, being mean in high school, so it's like. Yeah. Knew. Everyone knew.

[A]

So he didn't care?

[B]

No. I think I thought my dad would care. And I told everybody else before I told my dad, but. And then he was like, I know you told everybody that you're gay. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, I don't care. I was like, okay, great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nobody cared. I cared. I didn't want to be gay.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Cuz, like, in 2012, in Massachusetts, in high school, it was, like, the worst thing you could be.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

People forget. They think, like, oh, gay is cool now. Go back to 2008. Nobody wanted to be gay. There wasn't a bunch of TV shows with gay people in it. It was still just, like, all straight people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, the culture's changed so much that we think that it was more accepting back then than it was.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought my dad was gonna hate me for doing Playboy.

[B]

I bet he jerked off to it.

[A]

I mean, I wouldn't go that far, but he was curious as to what I was doing. Oh, sure, I'm sure. And I came out on the COVID.

[B]

Was he like, I'm so proud of you?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, what did he say?

[A]

He was like, my friends look at that magazine.

[B]

Yeah, they do together. He's pissed because they were all doing what I'm doing with these guys. Jerking off, watching, looking. They look at her, you know, and they go, hey. Don't.

[A]

Like, is this your daughter?

[B]

Yeah. They go, don't bring Lauren's copy today.

[A]

He.

[B]

Is your dad hot?

[A]

He's. He is dead.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

But he. He had, like, some George Clooney vibes.

[B]

Can I ask you? Well, I don't want to be disrespectful. Would you be upset if you found out that I had sucked your dad's dick?

[A]

My dad would have shot you in the head.

[B]

See, that's what you think.

[A]

My dad was a rude, crude dude.

[B]

You don't know what they're doing when they're driving home from work making these pet stops.

[A]

I guarantee you.

[B]

Okay, but if you're gonna.

[A]

My dad was, like, unknow. Like, he was like John Wayne.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I'm. I don't know who that is.

[A]

Cowboy.

[B]

Oh, cowboy.

[A]

Yeah. From, like, Garland, Texas.

[B]

The hottest thing that could be. It's like, sucker Cowboy. Off. And then he, like, uses his, like whatever those little spinny things on his boots. Like, cut me over his spur, hit me in the face with that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, the best.

[A]

Yeah. I would have killed you.

[B]

Oh, okay. So what's the next topic?

[A]

Or my dad was like. My dad didn't even like me.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. So when like ever I read a hateful comment, I'm like, dad, is he back from the grave?

[B]

I'm sure your mom loved you.

[A]

Yeah, my mom loved me enough for the both of them.

[B]

That's so sweet.

[A]

Yeah. But my dad, like, you know, just really.

[B]

Did you have other siblings?

[A]

No, it was just me.

[B]

Yeah, maybe you weren't his kid.

[A]

Maybe he was just really disappointed. I did a lot of disappointing things which led me to Playboy.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

Yeah. But I remember I did one episode and he watched the first episode of my show, never watched another one. And I have a tattoo on my butt. And the only thing he ever asked me about Playboy ever. Never asked me anything. But he asked me if my tattoo was real. And I was like, is this gonna be the disappointing part of the story?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was the fact that I'm fully nude.

[B]

Were you full? They don't show in Playboy.

[A]

They do.

[B]

Oh, okay. I'll look those up later. You don't need to.

[A]

You're gay.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I would have sex with a woman in like a three way situation if the guy was really hot and wanted to watch.

[A]

Wait, what? You would have sex with the girl if the guy wanted to watch?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why wouldn't you have sex with the guy if the girl wanted to watch?

[B]

Well, I don't want to disrespect her like that.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I think that if you. This is like. I'm thinking of this.

[A]

Do you even like having sex with girls?

[B]

I've never done it. I'd like to try it at least once.

[A]

What if you liked it and you found out that you weren't gay?

[B]

Well, I like the. Then let's not be crude here. But I. I like the anatomy of a woman. I just don't like their hair or voice.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I. I think they're beautiful, but when they're lashing it all around, it's like, ugh. And then they're like taking a shower, and then it's like on the wall of my shower, I go like, get this out of here. But I don't like that. And then. Yeah, Yeah, I don't like that. But I would if the guy wanted to. Like, the guy wanted me to, like, have sex with her and then, like, maybe give me a little kiss on the side.

[A]

Why is that so oddly cute?

[B]

It is cute. Kind of like I'm inside her, but he's like, oh, thanks.

[A]

You're like, oh, yeah.

[B]

Doesn't that sound fun?

[A]

I mean, no, but, yeah.

[B]

We look down, it's just Lauren's disappointed face looking at the guy being like, you're a.

[A]

Did you just kiss him on the cheek?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. No lips. It had to be lips.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, you said cheek.

[B]

Oh. So I went like.

[A]

This has gone so astray.

[B]

But we're having fun.

[A]

I feel like we are having fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's time to mix up this podcast. Where's the wildest place you've ever had sex?

[B]

The most wild place I've ever had sex.

[A]

I mean, already I'm, like, so taken aback that you just.

[B]

Oh, sorry. The Seattle airport.

[A]

Where?

[B]

In the bathroom with a flight attendant.

[A]

Oh, I guess it's easier when you're gay.

[B]

I'm just on Grindr, and he was on my Grinder, and he was like, what are you doing? I was, like, waiting for my flight. And he was like, meet me at this bathroom stall. And then I went down to this bathroom stall, and he was in the last one. And then we hooked up in the bathroom stall. And then I left. And then he messaged me and said, hey, your gate just changed. I thought, that's a good guy. He made me not and let me know that my gate had changed.

[A]

What a nice guy.

[B]

That's nice. I think that's nice. And he had the outfit on the whole time. Yeah. Well, we didn't, like, fully have butt play, but it was kind of like jerking and sucking. You know, fun stuff.

[A]

I feel like it would be easier to have sex in public as a gay person.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Because two guys go into a restroom. Totally normal guy and girl try to go into a restroom.

[B]

Yeah, but here's the problem with going to the restroom if it's not private. If you go into a public restroom, other guys come in. You know what? Other straight men hate gay sex. So they beat the shit out of us. They'd kill us. They drag us out. I mean, basically, I'm like the new Matthew Shepard at this point. You know, it's really scary.

[A]

And so, okay, so the airport. Where's another one?

[B]

When have I. This guy in the back of a minivan outside my apartment because I didn't want him to come in because I didn't trust him.

[A]

You know, Minivan felt safer.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He didn't know you. Sometimes with men you don't know, you don't want them to come back, you know? Yeah, but actually, I mean, when I lost all the weight when I first got here, I got a studio apartment that I. I called the Suck shack for about two years. And yeah, it was famous and guys would just come over all the. The time. It was really sick.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. But I've changed in.

[A]

In what way?

[B]

I moved in with a lesbian couple. And you know what lesbians hate? When you bring strange men over to their house to have sex with you. So no more hosting. Have to go to guys houses. And that kind of creates more like safety because actually, I don't know if you know this, but if you have. You're more likely to be killed if you have someone coming to your place because they can kill you and leave your dead body there. But if you go to their place, they have to clean up your dead body so they're less likely to kill you.

[A]

Is. Is murder popular among the gays?

[B]

I think murder. I think violence is always pretty popular with men. Wow. Yeah, you see it all over the news. I don't see a lot of, like, lesbian hate crimes happening.

[A]

I don't either.

[B]

Yeah, everyone's cool with it because guys get off on it.

[A]

Wild.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's the scariest situation you've ever been in? That'd be my last question.

[B]

Oh, okay. Is that it? Okay.

[A]

I like, looked up at the clock and I'm like, whoa, we're already overtime.

[B]

Oh, okay, great. I mean, I had such a good time with you. The scariest situation I've ever been in. I've had a couple of guys that after they came, would kind of freak out a little bit. And you have to be like, you got. Or you know what's really scary is that guys lie about their picture sometimes. So then you give you their address, and then some guy you didn't agree to hooking up with is at your front door. And you kind of have to be like, you can't let him into the apartment because once he's in, I only had one door and one door out. So you have to learn how to fight. And I've watched a lot of, like, Jennifer Garner movies.

[A]

Has this happened?

[B]

We've had to kick them out.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I've had guys where I have to be like, you gotta get, like, the lie about their pictures. And then you have to be like, you have to get the. Out of my apartment.

[A]

Liar.

[B]

Yeah, it's really scary when you have a Strange man. You don't know who has crazy eyes looking at you? Who wants to, like, jerk?

[A]

Like Ted Bundyish.

[B]

Yeah. But, like, really uglier.

[A]

Yeah, that was a problem about Ted Bundy. Was that just like the documentary where they picked a hot actor or was he actually attractive?

[B]

I think Zac Efron planned him. And I think we'd all let Zac Efron murder us. But not the new one. But he's all jacked up. But I.

[A]

What happened to him?

[B]

I think he got a lot of either plastic surgery or, like, I think maybe he got into, like, an accident and they had to, like, fix it with, like, injections. Have you had any work done?

[A]

No. Well, kind of.

[B]

What, tits?

[A]

No, my tits are real.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Do you feel like getting natural milk?

[B]

Oh, that's amazing. Do you ever feel like I get lip injections? I couldn't tell.

[A]

That's all. Well, and Botox before I was pregnant. I don't have Botox anymore.

[B]

You look incredible, Lauren, and you're a wonderful person. And thank you for having me on.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Was I, like, too sexual on this?

[A]

No, we'll just have to cut half of it out.

[B]

No, please don't cut anything out.

[A]

The only part we're cutting out is who my boyfriend dated.

[B]

Okay, But Levi.

[A]

Oh, yeah, he would lose his mind. I don't know, but maybe I'd get choked out and be the best sex of my life too.

[B]

Do you think your boyfriend would ever want to jerk off with me? Or would you be mad?

[A]

I mean. Yeah, Dylan. No, I was just asking.

[B]

I was just asking. God, I didn't realize you're not allowed to ask a fucking question at this studio. God forbid.

[A]

Hard no.

[B]

Okay. Hard. No. It's taken. Thanks, everybody. If you want to jerk off with me, you hit me up. It's at Dylan P. Carlino. You send me your huge pics. Nothing under four inches. Been there, done that. Over it. Dylan P. Carlino. Ps for Potter. Like Harry.

[A]

And with that will conclude the episode. Is there anywhere else that people can find you other than Grindr? Oh, no. You're off Grinder.

[B]

I'm off Grindr. And hopefully if that guy's listening, he's not too upset. I don't think I gave any details about him otherwise. And then I jerked off with him. And then you can listen to my podcast, Some of this is Bad, where we bring straight men onto the podcast and ask them if they would rather have sex with me or my co host. It's very fun.

[A]

Is he your co host? Gay as well?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Lauren's done the podcast. She doesn't remember.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

I do. Happy to be here.

[A]

I'm trying to help you sell it.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. I appreciate it. Lauren did a great job on our episode. They love you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

It's that chrome nail polish. Gorgeous.

[A]

Oh, my God. Get out of here.

[B]

Bye, guys.

[A]

Give it up for Dylan Carlino. You guys, we will see you.

[B]

I'm blowing up online. Follow me there.

[A]

We'll see you next time. Bye. Are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me?

[B]

Just say, you ready?

[A]

Delete my number. Your parents are your roommates.

[B]

Thursday.