Honey I Stained the Rental Car w/ Steph Tolev | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

First Date with Lauren Compton – Episode Summary

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton (YMH Studios)
Episode: Honey I Stained the Rental Car w/ Steph Tolev
Release Date: October 14, 2025
Guest: Steph Tolev (Comedian, "Filth Queen" Netflix Special)

---

Overview

This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton features the unapologetically raunchy and hilarious Steph Tolev. Known for her candid comedy and viral content, Steph dives into her personal life, dating misadventures, relationship red flags, and wild anecdotes. Both Lauren and Steph riff on life as women and comics, the perils and absurdities of dating, first dates gone awry, and what real romance looks like, all while maintaining the show's irreverent, honest tone.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fashion, Femininity & "Airing Out the Puss" (00:18 – 02:14)

• Steph talks about rarely wearing dresses, preferring to look "manly" and sometimes startling men.
• The practical joys of wearing dresses—no pants and comfort—leads to hilarious banter about underwear and hygiene.
• Memorable moment:
  • Steph: "I love airing out the puss. It feels great." (01:02)
  • Discussion devolves into a riff about logistics and dangers of going commando.

2. Motherhood, Breastfeeding & TMI (02:14 – 04:27)

• Lauren shares real talk about postpartum life, hunger, and the myth (or not) that breastfeeding burns vast calories.
• Steph shocks Lauren with the candid admission she tried her sister's breast milk.
• Playful speculation about if their partners would ever taste breast milk.
• Notable exchange:
  • Steph: "My boyfriend would be sucking me off right now. He’d be, like, milked up." (03:31)

3. Relationships & Age, Late-Life Motherhood (04:27 – 05:11)

• Candid chat about age and the pressure/timing of having kids.
• Steph, age 40, jokes about "the bangs are hiding it," and not being too old (Whitney Cummings as example).
• Self-deprecating humor on body changes vs. motherhood.

4. How Steph Met Her Boyfriend (05:11 – 12:32)

• The story: Steph meets her now-partner at the Laugh Factory in LA, introduced as Shooter McGavin’s nephew (actor Christopher McDonald).
• Steph pulls out all the stops during a lackluster comedy set, gets approached by her now-boyfriend after. Their meet-cute is classic, awkward, and filled with comic references.
• Their first "date" ultimately involves hours-long FaceTimes and finally a wild night in a rental car—where Steph leaves a lasting (literal) mark.
• Highlighted quote:
  • Steph: "We went in the back of his rental car, and I squirted and ruined...He had to pay to get it cleaned. I soiled the back. Really nice first date." (11:09)

5. Relationship Qualities & Living Together (12:32 – 13:43)

• What does Steph want? "A nice man, a supportive man...it's very hard to be a female comic."
• Her boyfriend's supportive nature, their comic banter, and even him opening for her on tour come up.
• Lauren relates with her own challenges balancing home and career.

---

6. Dating Life & First Date Horror Stories (21:29 – 29:44)

Steph rifles through a "fuck list" of disastrous and bizarre first dates, each more absurd than the last:

• Splitting $16 Bill Guy: Brags about owning two homes, then splits a measly $16 tab.
  • Steph: "If you're gonna brag about money, pay $16." (22:46)
• Velcro Sandals Guy: Turns up at night in brown velcro sandals; instant dealbreaker.
• Flip Flops Guy (Lauren's story): Walks her around a pool in flip flops, asks for a kiss—awkward!
• Platform Shoes Guy: Makes out on NYE, only to discover later he’s half her size and wears enormous platform Doc Martens.
• Costume Hookup: Steph details how men seem more interested when she's dressed up as a man for Halloween (including a Coach Steve from Big Mouth costume and Clifford from Martin Short's movie).
• Hilarious runner: Men “asking” for kisses/hugs gets universally skewered.
  • Steph: "If you have to ask for a kiss, you’re not getting a kiss. May I have a kiss? No." (25:13)

---

7. Teeth Talk & Dating Red Flags (29:44 – 34:56)

• Steph tells a Seinfeld-esque story about a man whose teeth, seen in daylight, resemble "brown old coffins,” with each tooth uniquely stained.
• Discussion of Amish dental habits, revealed by Lauren, leads to wild speculation about rural dental hygiene, veneers, and young Amish workers.
• Steph: "Somebody probably has wooden teeth right now. Disgusting driftwood mouth." (32:20)

8. Romantic Gestures & Relationship Roles (41:45 – 47:32)

• Lauren asks about the most romantic thing Steph’s boyfriend has done; little details like post-it notes, wine, and snacks in a hotel make the list.
• Steph attempts to recall her own gestures, joking about “buying people off,” but does recount a custom belt buckle gift as her most personal gesture.
• Lauren shares a legendary story: creating an at-home sushi-table experience, complete with curtains, lanterns, and banana leaves, for her (ex)husband.
  • Steph, stunned: "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard someone do for somebody!" (48:41)
• Both agree that romance can mean acts of service, from buying gifts to handmade experiences.

---

9. Body Image, Weight Loss, & Comedy Trolls (20:18 – 21:37)

• Steph discusses her 35-pound weight loss since meeting her partner.
• Touches on the online trolling faced as a female comic:
  • Steph: "When you look like me, your personality is what you work on the hardest..." (20:56)

10. Austin Recs, Local Food, and Cultural Oddities (35:43 – 39:49)

• Lauren offers foodie tips for Austin, including steakhouse and barbecue spots.
• The two trade stories about topless beaches, public pools, and nudity norms in Europe vs. America.
• Hilariously, the image of Steph’s “white, little triangles” of a chest (ala Something About Mary) comes up in the context of topless sunbathing.

11. Steph's Movie Roles & Comedy Cameos (40:06 – 41:44)

• Steph plug’s her Netflix special ("Filth Queen"), upcoming horror movie role, and shares her cameo in Bill Burr’s film (she "farts on a balcony").
• Both discuss their screen deaths in horror films:
  • Lauren: "I die in all of them. Except for one." (40:45)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On first dates:
  • Steph: "If you have to ask for a kiss, you're not getting a kiss. May I have a kiss? No." (25:13)
• On moving fast:
  • Steph: "He moved in three months later...We looked like Hall and Oates at one point. We actually have to stop." (06:28)
• On bodily functions & honesty:
  • Steph: "Let me milk my tits. Let me try that breast milk before I get out of here." (04:51)
• On romance:
  • Steph: "I'm giving blowjobs so much, I feel like that's enough. I gave one so hard the other day that I got a crick in my neck. ... That's dedication." (43:15)
• On self-image & comedy:
  • Steph: "When you look like me, your personality is what you work on the hardest..." (20:56)
• On wild proposals:
  • Steph (on her boyfriend asking her dad for permission): "My dad fucking ruined it. It was a nightmare...They're gonna fight? My dad's just like, 'Can we tell her?'" (17:23)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:18 – Steph arrives in a dress; fashion/femininity riff
• 02:14 – Postpartum chat, breastfeeding, and breast milk taste test
• 04:27 – Age, motherhood anxieties, and body image
• 05:11 – The story of meeting her boyfriend, comics, and the infamous rental car date
• 12:32 – What Steph wants in a relationship
• 21:29 – First date horror stories & "fuck list"
• 25:13 – Philosophy on asking for kisses
• 29:44 – Teeth and dental red flags
• 34:56 – On the skills and quirks of the Amish
• 41:45 – Romance, gifting, and the sushi-table anecdote
• 43:15 – The role of acts of service in relationships ("That's romantic")
• 48:41 – Lauren's sushi table date story
• 49:08 – Steph's plugs (Instagram, Netflix special) and episode wrap-up

---

Episode Tone & Final Thoughts

This episode is a high-energy, unfiltered romp through the gritty realities of dating, romance, and the lives of female comedians. Steph Tolev’s blend of self-deprecating humor and sharp observational wit pairs perfectly with Lauren’s candid hosting. First dates are dissected with honesty and hilarity, while real-life messiness and offbeat romantic gestures are celebrated. For anyone who loves stand-up, awkward dating tales, and real talk about relationships, there’s no shortage of laugh-out-loud moments here.

---

Where to Find Steph:

• Instagram: @Stephtolev
• Netflix Special: Filth Queen

Next Episode Tease:
Will Lauren find a guest with fewer red flags? Only time (and swipes) will tell...

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight.

[B]

First Date, baby.

[A]

First date.

[B]

I can't wait. First date.

[A]

Hello, and welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a very funny comic that you can see doing stand up all over the US you can catch her on tour. She has a new special out on Netflix called Filth Queen. Give it up for Steph Tolev.

[B]

Hi. Thank. Oh, wow. Smattering applause we love that I had to look nice. I never wear a dress. For the people who don't like to watch YouTube, you always look so pretty. Thank you. And nice. And I'm like, I can't come on looking like I just unclogged the toilets. So I just landed. I'm wearing a dress.

[A]

You look great.

[B]

I never wear a dress.

[A]

You should wear dresses more often.

[B]

I know, but I like looking manly. I like scare. I can't scare men in a dress. You have to be in a jumpsuit.

[A]

But isn't it fun not wearing pants?

[B]

Yeah. I love airing out the puss. It feels great.

[A]

It's like everywhere you go, you just kind of catch a breeze.

[B]

It's nice. You wear. You're wearing underwear. Yeah. Okay. When people. Women don't wear underwear, I'm like, what's going on?

[A]

I don't. I can't do that.

[B]

Stuff's coming out right now. I don't know what is coming out, but something's coming out. It's like, I can't just walk around on a. Sitting on an airplane.

[A]

I don't like not having underwear on. It's just.

[B]

Flies can get up there.

[A]

It's gross. House.

[B]

It's the air.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Downtown Austin on 6th Street. Those crumbs. I don't think so. I absolutely don't. This thing must be covered by cloth. If I was like. If I like Adam and Eve and I was looking back, I would have to make like. I'd have to make a sheath. I could be walking around. There's serpents out there. You never know what's going to get in there. I'm terrified. What do you typically wear regular underwear? Oh, cotton.

[A]

I mean, clothing wise.

[B]

I was like, wow, we're really getting my ph balance off the top here. Cotton always. No. I wear jeans and, like, a thrifted shirt normally.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I was like, I can't come on looking, like, manly because you always look so put together. I know. You just had a kid and you don't even look like you had a kid. I'm like, how do you. Where does it go? Do you. It Out. Like, how do. Like, I look like I've had a kid and I haven't had a kid. Well, where is your body? Where is it?

[A]

I'm hungry all the time.

[B]

Okay. You know, someone said breastfeeding every time you BreastFeed is like 8,000 calories.

[A]

I'm like, it's like 500.

[B]

That's it. Who lied to me?

[A]

Someone who probably Polish or.

[B]

Yeah, some Polish or some pervert, some disgusting pig who knows all these weird facts, so. Because I'd be. I'd be letting them suck me dry if that was.

[A]

The thing is, though, is you're starving. Like, I'm. I'm seriously hungry all the time and I eat so much food. I'm always eating. And if you don't eat enough food to support the breastfeeding, then. Then your milk supply drops, okay?

[B]

And you gotta keep those milkers milked up.

[A]

You have to keep milking.

[B]

Yeah, keep milking. I tried my sister's breast milk.

[A]

You did?

[B]

I did. You know what? I knew where it was from. I wouldn't try a stranger's drip breast milk. No, no, no.

[A]

What did it taste like?

[B]

You never tried it?

[A]

No.

[B]

Are you crazy?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Give it a little suckle.

[A]

I'm scared.

[B]

What do you mean? It's like almond milk.

[A]

I know, but it's like.

[B]

It's nice.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't mean like this.

[A]

No, I know.

[B]

I mean, that would be just.

[A]

I just like, in a cup and then like that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. She put in like a little teaspoon. It was like, medical.

[A]

I should try before. Before I finish my breastfeeding.

[B]

You must.

[A]

I'll try it.

[B]

Has your husband tried it?

[A]

No.

[B]

What's with you pigs? What a bizarre. It's like a natural. That's the first thing I would do. My boyfriend be sucking me off right now. He'd be, like, milked up.

[A]

Well, he told me when I was pregnant, he's like, I'm gonna put that. I'm gonna put your breast milk in my coffee. And like, talked up this big, huge game.

[B]

That's a lot.

[A]

And then I start breastfeeding and all of a sudden he was like, okay.

[B]

It becomes more like.

[A]

Yeah. And I don't know if it's because. Because when you have, like, the little pumps on, your nipples are, like, going in and out.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And so it really looks like you're just, like, milking a cow.

[B]

Yeah. And then the sound of it. Yeah, the pumps are weird.

[A]

I think it's like a.

[B]

Might be a mental Thing, I guess. But I'm also, like. I don't know. My boyfriend was a farmer, so he loves milking cows, so I think he'd be, like, rock hard being, like, milking. I can milk like. I can milk like old Betsy. I used to. It's. Yeah, we're not. I thought I was pregnant the other day. My nipples were all sensed up.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And then I got my period, so we're fine. Damn.

[A]

Well, that was a false alarm.

[B]

I. Yeah.

[A]

Do you want kids?

[B]

No, I'm too old.

[A]

No, you're not. How old are you?

[B]

I'm 40. The Bangs are hiding it. I'm 40.

[A]

Whitney Cummings had a kid when she was 40.

[B]

I know, but she probably put the eggs on ice and had them sitting there for a bit.

[A]

Maybe. I don't know. I never asked.

[B]

I don't know. My nerves. It's. We don't know what's going on.

[A]

But you're not too old. I'm 38 now.

[B]

You look great. Thank you. What the heck? How do you. Am I, like, gonna eat the same? I'm like. I'm just complimenting like crazy right now. No, we don't look the same. I look like I could be your old Aunt Merle that I just came from. I came from back backyard Texas. I'm like, hey, let me put you on my podcast. Let me milk my tits. Let me try that breast milk before I get out of here.

[A]

So you live in la. How did. Where do you find a farmer in la?

[B]

I found him in New York.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

But he was. He's from upstate New York. He was in LA visiting with his uncle, who is a famous actor.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Shooter McGavin. Christopher McDonald, if you know who that is.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

You've never seen Happy Gilmore. What the heck? What the. This is my biggest brag. This is my I come on podcast. I'm like, this usually gets people riled up. And you're like, I have no idea who you're talking about. What did you used to watch?

[A]

What did I used to watch? What do I. Oh, I watch period pieces.

[B]

Period pieces?

[A]

Like the Gilded Age.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Bridgerton.

[B]

Look at me.

[A]

Don't I scream Bridgerton?

[B]

I guess you do, but I'm like. I feel like on the side, like, you're. One time. You watched. Well, I didn't say that. I meant, like, you would have plopped on Happy Gilmore once in your life.

[A]

I might have, but I was probably stoned and I don't remember it.

[B]

Okay, well, he looks like him if it doesn't matter now. But yeah, he was. He saw me at a comedy show. All of this isn't funny or interesting now that you have no idea what the I'm talking about. So I'm like, yeah, I met him. He met me at a show. Big whoop. Okay, that's that. There it is. Yeah.

[A]

Does he live in LA now?

[B]

Yeah, he moved in with me three months in. Real quick.

[A]

That is quick.

[B]

Oh, it's lesbo. We moved in and he got a mullet like me for a bit. I'm like, we look cool. Crazy. There was like three months where we look like hall and Oates. And I'm like, we actually have to stop. Like, it was like, way too. And then we went, is that for Halloween? I'm like, you also not know who?

[A]

Hi.

[B]

I was hoping you were. I was like, well, you didn't laugh. I'm like, hollow notes.

[A]

Stop asking me who people are.

[B]

This is. I'm giving you classic references here. I don't know any. I don't even know anything about Bridgerton. I can't even give you a Bridgerton reference. I know. Do I look like I watch period pieces?

[A]

You don't. Kind of. So you.

[B]

I.

[A]

You wouldn't. It wouldn't shock me.

[B]

Really. It looks like I go to, like, home run derbies. Like, I don't know. I look. I only go to, like, monster truck rallies on the weekend and a rodeo. I've always wanted to go to rodeo. I can go to one here. Can I?

[A]

Yeah, and when it's time.

[B]

So you can't wear. You can't wear a dress at rodeo. Sure you can. Dusting up.

[A]

No way. You wear a dress and cowboy boots.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's the look. Thick underwear.

[A]

Super. Yeah.

[B]

I don't want to just wear blue.

[A]

Jean shorts underneath them.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. It can be dusted bleachers. And I think I'd be good at riding a bull or a rodeo clown. I probably better as a clown. Come on, Spook people. Just flash my posts. They're like, ah, I'm not wearing underwear. They're like, oh, my God, Please put that back on. What is that? How is yours after the birth?

[A]

I had a C section.

[B]

Oh, nice. He kept her nice and taut.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to.

[B]

Oh, you know what? You wanted to give natural birth.

[A]

I was trying to give natural birth, but it just didn't happen.

[B]

Happen. I think people say that. And then after you get the. And after it's all stitched up and then you see Your vagina still inside. You're like, that's nice.

[A]

Yeah, we like that. It's good that it's still there.

[B]

Yeah. A lot of women tell me that after they give birth, there stuff's hanging around. And I'm like, I don't. Mine's already hanging around. How much more hanging around can we get down there? We're done.

[A]

So how'd you meet your boyfriend?

[B]

It was at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. He came in with his uncle. It was a horrendous show. There was about 14 people there at the 10pm it was bad. I just came doing two of the sets. I felt good. And I don't know if you. You know, do you stand up?

[A]

I used to.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

You know when you do, like, the third set of the night, and you're like, this is gonna be the worst one. And of course, you had, like, two good ones. And I'm like, hell on earth. And then shooter McGavin, who. You've no idea who he is, he walks in. And I, like, fangirl, because I'm obsessed with Happy Gamore. The first. First one, painfully clear. So I see him walk in, and I'm like, oh, my God. I'm like, why The Is Shooter McGavin here? And then I see this guy walking behind. It looks exactly like him, like, and his son. And I'm like, I can't bomb in front of Shooter McGavin. So I go up and I'm like, I've never tried harder in front of 14 people in my life. I come. I come out guns blazing. I'm like. I'm wearing jumpsuit. I'm screaming, everybody. I started doing crowd work, and I asked a question. I'm like, who's. Who's taking a good dick pic? And no one's answering me. Then Shooter McGavin's I think son goes, yeah, I have. And I'm like, Shooter. I'm like, okay, what's your angle? He goes, yeah, I took a little. One of those little etches sketches, and I put it on the tip of my hard cock. And I'm like, who is this guy? Like, it was such a bizarre. Nobody ever answers me. And. And I laughed at it. Cause it was so funny. And I'm like, who got you that? He's like, my mom for Christmas. I'm like, this guy's sicker than I am. So then after my set, I'm like, I have to go up and say, like, shake Shooter's hand. So I walk over and I'm like, hi. I'm, like, a huge fan. He's like, you're hilarious. I'm like, oh, my God. And I'm like, is this your son? And he's like, more of a nephew. And I'm like, oh. And then Jefferson is his name. He's like, can I give you a hug? And I'm like, what? All right. And I, like, panicked and, like, hugged him, and he's like, so what now? Do we go get a drink? And I was like, I'm going home to bed. Good night, everybody. And I ran out because no man ever hits on me after a show. I. I've been hit on maybe three times in the 23 years on comedy after show, and it's always some man who's like, I'm going to take your skin and wear it as a hat. I'm like, well, I don't like that, man. It's that. So I don't try to avoid those. So this is the only time a guy hit on me, and I'm like, oh, my God. So I panic, get in my car. I'm, like, texting my friend because he's obsessed with Shooter McGavin. He got him to do a cameo to get his groomsmen to be in his wedding. So he's like. I'm like, oh, my God. I could fuck Shooter McGavin's nephew. I fucked it up. I was going to do it just to, like, brag to him for some reason. It was very strange behavior. And then by the time I got home, Jerison slipped into my DMs. Oh. And said, you're so funny. I'm here for one more day. Should we grab a coffee or something? I'm like, coffee? I'm like, I can't fuck this guy at coffee. So we, like, talked for a bit, and then we ended up not being able to hang out. And then we ended up texting and calling for, like, three weeks straight. Every single day, we FaceTime for, like, six hours.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I'm like, who is this man? And then I finally went and met up with him. He was doing a play in Tennessee, and our first date was. I saw him. I think I was wearing this fucking dress. I actually was. This is psychotic. I have one dress. I keep wearing the same dress over and over. I met him after he did his play, and I was like, oh, my God. Hello. And he was, like, so hot and handsome. He smelled so good. And we did a little peck on the lips, and we'd be talking for so long. So I knew everything about him. Got one drink, and then I'm like, I have to. You. He's like, huh? And. And then we went in the back of his rental car, and I squirted and ruined. He had to, like, pay to get cleaned. I, like, soiled the back. Really nice first date. I hope his mom's listening to this podcast. Just fucked your son in the back of a Honda Civic. It was a Honda Civic. And it was wet. It was wet.

[A]

And he moved in three months later.

[B]

And that was it. Yep. And three months later, he moved in with me. He moved to. He moved from New York to Los Angeles.

[A]

So you guys both saw each other for, like, the first time with each other's performances.

[B]

I. I missed the play. I got in too late. I didn't see the play. Yeah. But he saw mine. And then he'd seen me a couple times online before. But then.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. The first date was literally one drink. I wasn't even. It wasn't like first date jitters. I was like, I must have sex with this man. Well. Because he ended up sending me that dick pic with the Etch A Sketch on. Oh, yeah. And it. I was like, well, mama likes what she sees, so. Turns out I like edges. Catch now. So I was like, that. That needs to. Needs to happen.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So now you guys live together. How long have y' all been together?

[B]

Two years in a week. Wow.

[A]

That's a long run.

[B]

It's a long run. For me, it's a long. Before him, it was. I hadn't been in a long relationship since I was, like, 19. I think it was the longest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Seven years then. And I was like, little ones. So two years.

[A]

What do you look for in a relationship?

[B]

A nice man, a supportive man. It's very hard to be a female comic and have. Because I was eating comics kind of before, and that was a nightmare because they were, you know, jealous of stuff. And comics, they're annoying. But, yeah, somebody who's very supportive and who understands what I do and doesn't mind that I talk about my fat on stage all the time. And I make fun of him a lot on stage now, and he seems to like it. He's actually opening for me this weekend. He's here.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Started doing stand up. We started dating.

[A]

Is he funny?

[B]

He is funny. So he's been doing funny plays. Is up before. So he does, like, rock and roll shows where he talks the crowd. So he already had been doing that kind of stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not like he's just. Because that would be a nightmare. If he like started doing Santa we met, I'd be like, no, no, we're not doing. We hate this. This is not, this is not what I want here. So this is, it's a nice. It was a nice organic mold into him coming with me on the road.

[A]

Yeah, Starting something new is almost always stressful. Before I launched my podcast, there were so many things to consider first. From the setup to the filming schedule to the branding and merch, it was all so overwhelming. That's why I turned to Shopify to bring it to life. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands like us here at ymh, they're home to hundreds of ready to use templates for building an online store tailored to your brand and a plethora of AI tools to streamline content creation. Shopify possesses world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Bring your big business idea to With Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.comdate. go to shopify.comdate shopify.comdate.

[B]

When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans, send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets. Mom 60th. And never miss a meeting or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn [e-mail] what do you.

[A]

Where do you guys go for dates now? Like, if you have a date night, what do you guys like to do?

[B]

Oh, we love a steakhouse. Classic steakhouse. Couple dirty martinis, get a real buzz on for that beef. Comes out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blue cheese, olives, and then we get a shrimp cocktail and then we get the steak. Then we don't fuck as we're way too full. Classic date night. We get home like music. Blow me. I'm like, in your fucking dreams, pal. I'm exhausted. Yeah, he's not. I blew me the night to completion, which I don't do a lot. And my Invisalign was in. It was a whole thing. And I was like, this is. It's too much. What if. That's a young woman's game. I was at one point, I was so tired, I had my head on his leg and I was like. I'm like, can you move my head for me? I was just like this nub giving. It was. It wasn't great. I feel like I'm way too gross for your podcast right now. You're like, oh, ha ha ha. You're not too gross. Let's get Pauly Shore back on here.

[A]

Special's called Filth Queen.

[B]

I know I have to be like this. No, I don't. I just naturally am. But yeah, it was. It's too much. You're not. We. You're not giving blow jobs after having a baby. I feel like it's done after that.

[A]

I feel like I give a blow job if it's in the morning.

[B]

Okay. Fresh, clean, Wiping the crust out of the dick's eyes. Like, wakey, wakey.

[A]

I'm just. If I'm. If it's at night, there's no go.

[B]

It's. It's too much.

[A]

Too late. I'm tired.

[B]

I know. I was stoned too.

[A]

I'm watching the baby all day.

[B]

Yeah. No, you even work.

[A]

I'm like. But in the morning when I'm fresh, if the baby's still asleep.

[B]

Okay. That's nice. What a good wife.

[A]

I can.

[B]

What a nice thing to wake up and just suck them off. I never get. I never get morning.

[A]

It's not common though. Like, I don't want you to get this perception. Like, I'm a nice person.

[B]

Wow. Every morning. Oh, my God. Imagine.

[A]

No.

[B]

Insane.

[A]

Couldn't.

[B]

I'm doing it a lot. I got to. I'm doing it too much.

[A]

I don't know why you're not married yet. Do you want to marry this guy?

[B]

Yeah. He just asked my dad for his permission.

[A]

I don't think you're supposed to know that.

[B]

Oh, I know. My dad fucking ruined it. It was a nightmare. Okay, so this. This happened literally a month ago. We went on our first big vacation to Spain. Never. I have not been on vacation in 20 fucking years. That's how hell my life is. So I'm so excited. We're at my parents house. Call the Uber. I'm taking a last minute piss. I never dry my hands. I gotta start drying my hands. I don't know why I come out, I'm like shaking. Piss off my fingers. And I look over and my dad and. And Jefferson are standing like nose to nose in the kitchen and I'm like, what do you. What's going on? They're gonna fight.

[A]

What's happening.

[B]

Why are you. You've never odd. Why? They're that close. And my dad's just like, can we tell her? I'm like, tell me what? He's like, jefferson just asked. And I'm like, are you. I'm like, shut the fuck up. You know, so this. You know, so to ruin this. And Jefferson was like, what the hell, Pete? Like, you just ruined this whole moment. So then the whole Spain trip, I was like, he's gonna do it. And then there was nothing. I'm like, you got me all excited because I'm not supposed to know. I can't wait. I'm gonna be dead. I can't do this. I'm on my. I'm on my last legs here. I got a bad back. We got. We got a couple good years left.

[A]

Yeah, it's like.

[B]

It's good. And I keep saying, I'm gonna do it. And he hates that. He hates it so much because I. I'm like, I'm a man.

[A]

He'll get. He'll get to it before you do.

[B]

I don't know. I'll get down on one knee, be like, guess what? Suck my ass. No, I'm not gonna say it like that. But, yeah, that's what I say it. Suck my wet ass. No, it'd be nice. But I. I don't. Deep down, I don't want to do it. I don't want to be manly all the time. I like, like, you know, I'm gonna be cutesy. Yeah.

[A]

You want him to do it.

[B]

We're not doing. I don't want a jokey one. I don't want. I'm a clown in real life. I can't be clowning around. I can't do a comedy. Like, yeah, no, it needs to be, like, serious nice. Winery would be nice.

[A]

Yeah. Don't get too up. Take it from me.

[B]

Well, it's card at a wine. How could you not at a winery?

[A]

I mean, isn't that what you're going to do? You're going to drink.

[B]

You're having 300 sips of wine. They're like, oh, try these. And you're like, okay. And then you're like. When people don't swallow that, I'm like, what's wrong with you? When they just swill it and spit it out. That's waste.

[A]

It's such a waste.

[B]

Wasteful people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sucking it all back.

[A]

I don't know how people can smell all the way inside of a glass.

[B]

Like, my nose doesn't fit. I actually can't I actually don't know either. I couldn't. I couldn't tell you. It will not. We. We went outside SW. That. I couldn't do that. I couldn't be a sommelier for that reason alone. I'd be like. I'd have to. You know those, like, comically large glasses your mom gets you for like Christmas? I'm like the ones that like, fill a whole bottle of wine. Just drink a full bottle. Yeah. I'm realizing I don't think I washed this dress the last time I wore it. And it's. Do you thank God you're sitting over there? Musky is the. Is a term I'll use. A nice musk. A nice Austin musk.

[A]

You had to clean a car after wearing that dress.

[B]

I hope I wash it since then. That was two years ago. This may be two years old. I don't know.

[A]

The fact that you can still fit in a dress, the same dress after two years.

[B]

I lost weight. That's why I was. I was a porky piggy. And then I lost 35 pounds.

[A]

When were you porky?

[B]

I was pork d. I was pork dad. But when I met Jefferson, I was 185 pounds and I'm 145. I lost quite a bit.

[A]

Congratulations.

[B]

Thank you. Was. It was a special mostly.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Stress or what?

[B]

Oh, no, you. My main thing was I'm like, I can't be cuz I get trolled a lot online.

[A]

See, I get called everything except funny.

[B]

Oh, that sucks.

[A]

Yeah, I know. That's part where I'm like, no, but I'd rather like.

[B]

Because you get. You don't get like people are saying you're ugly online. You're not getting like, you know, you're getting nice things.

[A]

I think a personality is probably the thing you want to have the most of.

[B]

I mean, you can buy boobs. Yeah. But when you. When you look like me, your personality's is what you work on the hardest because that's what you have to work on the hardest. Otherwise I'd be paying copious amounts of plastic surgery. I'm like, this is. We must be funny. This is. I'd be a nightmare if I wasn't. Could you imagine I sat here right now, just a drip. You're like, what is she doing on this boring big nose woman? Hello. Let's talk about dating. Yes. I love it. I'm great at it. I did make notes. I don't know.

[A]

Tell me your notes.

[B]

I want to because I wrote down because I like, I have a Fuck list on my phone that I probably should delete. But I went through it and looked at, like, all my first dates.

[A]

I love this.

[B]

I know. I was like, I like coming prepared to a podcast. Okay, first date. Here we go. Oh, these are my worst first dates. I don't even know if this is the question you asked.

[A]

Awesome.

[B]

But I have them ready to go.

[A]

Do it all.

[B]

Okay. I went on a date with this guy. These are mostly Los Angeles. We went to this. I came with the phone place, you know, whatever it was in Koreatown. It was happy hour. Bill came to 16. Okay. Hell yeah, 1 6. Very cheap bill. I think we both had, like, I have to be very clear about this. The whole date, he talked about how he owns two houses. He's so well off. He's so happy. Bill comes, $16. He goes, all right, well, we'll just split this, right? I went, excuse. The Korean woman behind the bar went, are you serious? Like, even. She was like. And I brought my debit card out. And she went, no. And, like, grabbed his. And he's like, no, no, we'll both do it. I looked at her, she was like, I've never seen such disgust in a bartender in my life. We paid the bill, split $8 each. Big spender over here. We go to leave. I'm so repulsed. Like, if it was like a steakhouse and it was a crazy expensive, I have no problem with splitting a bill. Whatever, $8 a piece. So I put my wallet back in my purse, about to leave. He goes, can I have a hug? Can I have a hug? I'm about to call the police. What do you mean, can I have a hug? Asking and doing this. Can I? I was so repulsed. I go, I have to go. My Uber's here. There was no Uber. I walked five blocks to get the hell away from this man. That was. I'm like, if you're gonna brag about money, pay $16. Pay $16.

[A]

Did you ever see this guy again?

[B]

I never once spoke to him. I blocked his phone number after that. I was like, we're done with this.

[A]

How did you meet this cycle.

[B]

These were apps. These were apps. That was an app. That was an app one. And that one was like a quick, you know, you. I don't know if you've ever been in the apps where, like, you're in a mood one day and you meet someone you like match at 4pm and I've been on snaps. You go out. It was desperate. We were both in a desperate place. Oh, this one was this One was brutal. I took this guy to my favorite dive bars in Toronto, and I put my purse down, and I looked down, and he was wearing brown Velcro sandals. And I'm like, I have to go home. I have to leave. Can you. That's the biggest turn off on the I. It's nighttime.

[A]

I know. Velcro, dude.

[B]

The double Velcro. No, crazy. Just sitting right under the. I looked right at them. I went. I did one of the texts, my friend. I'm like, call me emergency. What is it? Like, Velcro sandals. I have to, like, not even, like, does he look like. No, he's wearing Velcro. Well, actually, if you're wearing Velcro sandals, you could need to get those things off quick.

[A]

I went on a date with a guy that was in the coffee business. He was, like, part of the Black Rifle coffee company or something. I don't even remember what this guy did for them, but we went on a date, and he was wearing flip flops.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

And he asked for a kiss at the end of the date.

[B]

And I was like, asking is crazy.

[A]

We also didn't go to dinner. We, like, walked around a pool because I felt like that was the only place appropriate for him.

[B]

For the flip flops.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I was like, we're not going. I'm not gonna be going to din with someone in flip flops.

[B]

So you're. You're telling me the whole time, the date, you said just the flop of his. I'm assuming we went for, like, a walk.

[A]

Like, I was like, we're not going anywhere.

[B]

He must have had the worst blister between his toes.

[A]

I hope so.

[B]

Thinking he'd be cool. And then he went home. He's like, just, like, so casual. I was like, toes bleeding.

[A]

And he was like, can I have a kiss? And I was like, ask.

[B]

If you have to ask for a kiss. You're not getting a kiss. May I have a kiss? No. I would have leaned in. I would have given you a kiss.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Can I have a kiss? Is sick. I hate that. It makes me feel sick. Can I have a kiss? I'm like, I would never. That's. That's embarrassing. Oh, I. Okay, I have another one. Okay. This one. This one. Okay. I made out with this guy one New Year's. This is so long ago. I just bought a shawarma. Do you know shawarma is like the. It's like the shaved meat and, like, tzatziki and all that. Oh, delicious. So I'm sitting on this like, bench outside. This guy sits down beside me. We start talking. We start making up. My friend's looking over. You are literally holding a schwarm on one hand. Like, give this guy my number. Blackout. He wants to go on a date the next day. I'm like, okay, so this is like, day after New Year's. I'm like, okay, So I meet him at this bar. He's already there sitting down. I'm like, okay, whatever. He looks a lot like, you know, tinier. I'm like, okay, maybe. Maybe I miss maybe. I was confused. What happened on New Year's? We have a. Whatever. We have a couple of drinks. We get up to leave. He is half my size. I look down on his feet. He's wearing platform Doc Martens this big. I was like, oh. Like, it was. He could have, like, crawled inside my body and lived there, and I would never have known he was there. So tiny, this man. So small. And I'm like, the platforms were. I laughed at the platform. They were crazy. That's silly. Like, they were so. It wasn't even like he was trying to, like, look cool with a platform. Like, he wasn't a goth guy.

[A]

Could you imagine twisting your ankle on a platform?

[B]

Like, that? Must have. But I'm also, like, at that point, you think. What do you think you're gonna wear the platform where you wear the platform in bed. You're gonna. You're gonna walk to bed in just these giant platforms. I'm never gonna know how to. Also the line. Just say you're small. Be like, hey, by the way, I'm four foot one. I'd be like, all right, here we go. Me and Brad Williams are getting a drink. Let's do it. I don't know what I would be like. I wouldn't be grossed out. It's just the hiding it. The platforms.

[A]

Brad Williams would just crawl up you like a tree.

[B]

He would. He's a great date. He loves. He loves big woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's his wife.

[A]

Snow White is his.

[B]

His crush.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, Mine was Alvin from Alvin the Chipmunks.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Why? It wasn't a person. Weird. Really. Had a strange childhood. This other. Oh, this one's good because this one's for. It's Halloween. I dress up like a man every year. Classic. I can't. I can't get away from this. Very convincing, too, actually. I can send you guys the photo for this so you can see what I'm referring to. I dress it like Coach Steve from Big Mouth. Very accurate. This is years ago. And again, you. I'm gonna fucking send you things that people watch. I just like, just a list of like 50 things in the last 10 years that people. There we go. Thank you. I dressed up like that first photo is exactly what I look like. Teased up my hair, had the mustache. I had the exact whole outfit. I go to this bar. It's a bunch of comedians at this bar. We're all hanging out, we're drinking. And my friend comes up to me, he goes, hey, my buddy's like, really into you. And I'm like, I look like Coach Steve. What are you talking about? He's like, no, he's. He knows, he knows you. I'm like, oh, okay. Takes me home. Halloween party. Disgusting. He was dressed up like Spider man and his outfit did not fit him. He had like a huge gut. I'm like, don't be fat Spider Man. He wasn't being like, funny Fat Spider Man. He was like, fat Spider Man. We go back to his house. He. We start fooling around. I like go to take off the mustache. He's like, no, no, no. And I'm like, oh, oh, no. Oh, sweet nectar of the gods. I'm like, this is not easy. Oh, okay. And I'm not. I'm not even joking. He was not hard after. Went to the mustache off. He couldn't get hard after. And I was like, oh, my God, he did know who I was. He thought I was a man.

[A]

That's some wild role play.

[B]

It was. I'm like, also, then tell me it's going to be role play. I. I should have known I was a man. I don't know why I thought, like, what did I think was gonna happen? And then like two years after that, I dressed up like. You're. There's no. If you know this reference, I'm gonna shit myself. Martin Short, when he went, he did Clifford the movie. Clifford? No, there's no. I was like, if you knew that, that would be insane.

[A]

I know who Martin Short is, okay?

[B]

This is his best work. He played like a 14 year old boy. I dress up like him. And a guy drove me home and kissed me in the lips. And I look like a fucking boy. A little boy. Yeah, dead on. That's exactly what I look like. I had the bow tie. That actually was the exact outfit I had. I had the red sweater. I had the bow tie. I had a little dinosaur.

[A]

That is so funny.

[B]

So I'm like, why? I'm like, men like me more when I'm a man. It's very That's. That was me. He kissed that on the lips. Disgusting. It was very, very. That was a little too niche. No one knew.

[A]

What are you gonna be this year for Halloween?

[B]

Oh, it's very specific. It's. It's sweet. James is like a injury attorney from Los Angeles. If you look up sweet, there he is. That's who you're gonna be. Yeah, yeah. It's a blue suit. He's like all over la. So I'm going like an LA party, so everyone's gonna know who I am.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

I'm gonna hand out injury attorney sweet James cards all night.

[A]

I love that. That's hilarious.

[B]

Very specific. Men I go as every year. Yeah, it's very. It's very fun. Yeah, I really. And we have one more. I have one more bad day. Oh, this guy. Have you ever gone a date with a guy and you've gone to a nice bar, dimly lit, and then the next day you like or a couple days later, go date. You go outside and you see their face in daylight and it's like a Seinfeld episode. You're like sweet nectar. Like, he was this man. I. I want to say every one of his teeth looked like. You know those. The coffins that you see, those brown old coffins, like the. Like the vampire coffin. Every tooth was like individual, which I didn't notice how everyone was spaced out, which was strange for a mouth. Every tooth spaced out. Brown, different shades of brown. Every tooth. And I kissed him. I couldn't believe it. I felt sick. I washed my lips for an hour after that. It was so gross. And he's like, you want to. You want to keep hanging out? And I was like, I can't. Your teeth are rotting out of your head. Like, I don't know how I didn't notice coffin teeth. It was terrifying. Terrifying, spooky stuff.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Gross. I've hit a lot of gross ones.

[A]

Yeah. Not good at night. No.

[B]

You got to keep the. I think most first dates should be brightly lit podcast. This would be. This is a perfect. Yeah. Great lighting. I can see your pores. I can see your white teeth. I know what's going on over there. It's nice if you take a man. Takes you to a dim. I had one guy too. He had like. I didn't realize. He had, like, really sunken in eyes until the daylight. And I was like, this is Halloween, man. It was scary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who knows what they're saying about me? I'm no prize pig over here. I'm like, all these disgusting men and I, I probably get home, I have this huge thing, this like nose ha. Hanging out. They're like.

[A]

No, I think a guy with brown coffin teeth.

[B]

So brown is so spaced out.

[A]

So that's something that, that, that's.

[B]

And they all looked like they had been like worked. They looked wooden. Like they look like I'm like, what are you eating?

[A]

Some I would see in my period piece movies.

[B]

Yeah, that's exactly what that is. That's. That's like what George Washington. Didn't he have those like wooden. Yeah, didn't.

[A]

There's some rumor someone had wooden teeth.

[B]

There are some wooden teeth going. Somebody probably has wooden teeth right now. Disgusting driftwood mouth. It was so gross.

[A]

Did you know that Amish people. Yikes.

[B]

Yeah, I don't love that. That's. That was him. There he is. That's the guy I want to date with. There he is. The love of my. That was. They were actually that color. They were this color.

[A]

So gnarly.

[B]

They look like the table because each one was like a different wood stain.

[A]

That is wild cedar, pine, mahogany.

[B]

It was so. There's a lot of mahogany in there. It was gross.

[A]

I found out that Amish people, they don't use fluoride. Did you know this?

[B]

No.

[A]

They don't use fluoride and so their teeth rot out of their head. And when a girl is going to get married, the father takes the girl to the dentist to have all of her teeth pulled and then put veneers in so that her husband doesn't have to pay for dental care.

[B]

Well, that must look wild. You're telling me all these ambush women are walking around in these homely looking dresses, a little bonnet and a beautiful.

[A]

Set of teeth after, after they get married.

[B]

That must look crazy.

[A]

But their teeth are fucked up.

[B]

I.

[A]

Until then, why not just brush your teeth with fluoride?

[B]

I don't know why we're not. I mean, I, I wait, where is this happening? Because I was upstate New York, where my boyfriend's family lives. We always go to this Amish.

[A]

It's grocery store Amish people.

[B]

Their teeth look fine.

[A]

And I'm looking my teeth in Pennsylvania.

[B]

And they're all out there.

[A]

That's. They're.

[B]

Well, what are they using a well? Is that why they're out there pumping water?

[A]

No, they're not using fluoride in their toothpaste.

[B]

Well, are they using toothpaste? I feel like they're using.

[A]

I feel like they're probably using hay.

[B]

I feel they're going out. They're getting A horse's tail and going like this.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. I don't think. I don't think they're. They're doing dental care until they get married, and then they get a whole new rack.

[B]

They're doing a lot of different stuff out there. I don't know. Are they using soap? What are they using?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Mud. Pile of mud and cinnamon stones. That'd be good exfoliant, though. Yeah, cinnamon would be nice.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I feel like they're used. I don't know what's going on. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what, though. They pickle a mean. They pickle a mean pickle. These. These Amish, they are pickling like, I've never had anything. Asparagus, Brussels sprouts. Solders. If you're out in upstate New York, they're called solders. Unbelievable. You should see the chairs. They're making great mahogany. They're building all this from scratch. Maybe they're using their teeth to build it. That's why. That's why they're so detailed. But these. These, man, also, they make a great sub. These people are. I love. I love Amish.

[A]

Oh, they're so talented.

[B]

Well, they know. They do a lot. They have also this. This grocery store I go to, Solders. The people working there are like, solders. I'm obsessed with it. They're peanut butter. They make. They make fresh peanut butter right there. I can't. It. I love it. But they. They're young. They have them starting young. All the cashiers are like 12. I'm like, this is. This seems a bit illegal. It doesn't seem right. Yeah, let them go ride some horses. Whatever they do. I don't know.

[A]

That's. Yeah.

[B]

Not playing basketball. They're playing. I don't know what they're playing. They're playing jump rope with a bale of hay. I don't know what these people are doing. Look, I'm not Amish. I don't know. I've never been Amish. But my boyfriend lives down the street from Amish people, so I feel like I know them now. I see them. Yeah, we wave, they'll wave. They wave. Love a good wave.

[A]

So what are you guys gonna do now? What are y' all up to now?

[B]

That's nothing. We're gonna go to a nice restaurant tonight anyway.

[A]

Lots of recommendations.

[B]

Okay. Cuz we went to that Perry's place last time, and there's.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Too many flies. Go to J.

[A]

Carver's.

[B]

Okay. That's what? Uncle Laser told me to go there. He loves that place.

[A]

J. Carver's is the shoe.

[B]

All right?

[A]

If you want a steakhouse, yeah, go there.

[B]

I want to. What if we don't want to steakhouse? I always go to Lauro. I love Lauro.

[A]

Lauro is good.

[B]

I'm obsessed. I can't go back there again.

[A]

My husband owns Terry Blacks. If you want barbecue.

[B]

He does.

[A]

I can always hook you up there.

[B]

What the heck? I've only been to Franklin's. I can't be slapping a bunch of. Wait, no. Terry Blacks is the one that's a little bit out. No. What's the other one? That's.

[A]

No, Franklin's is the one that's a little bit out.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Terry Blacks is over off Barton Springs. Oh.

[B]

Oh, no. I've never been to that one. You go into the Springs. You flashing the jugs at the springs? No, people are. I didn't realize that the tits were out there.

[A]

If you go to Barton Springs, though. What month are we? Is it still. Yeah, I guess people are still going.

[B]

It's open all year round, right? No, I thought it was.

[A]

I don't think so. Is it? I don't think it is. Because they clean it.

[B]

No, the salamanders around it is. Yeah. People do like the cold plunge thing.

[A]

Yes, you're right.

[B]

I brought a bathing suit in case we dip our horns in the springs.

[A]

You should go.

[B]

I love it. It's so nice.

[A]

I feel.

[B]

Not the side that's free, the other side.

[A]

Yeah, you got to go to the $5.

[B]

Washing their balls on the free side. I don't know what's going on.

[A]

People are doing all kinds of things.

[B]

People on the rocks.

[A]

They're also robbing people on the free.

[B]

Are they?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's also five bucks.

[A]

Yeah. That's five dollars to own it.

[B]

I can go to the.

[A]

Yeah. And it's like Woodstock, you know?

[B]

It is like Woodstock, but bad. Stinky. Stinky Woodstock.

[A]

Yeah. No music.

[B]

No, no, no. I like the nice side.

[A]

The nice side has diving boards.

[B]

I've never done the diving board. I don't go too deep.

[A]

I like the diving board.

[B]

I don't know what's going on down there. I saw a picture like clear salamander, and it's. It's haunted me for years.

[A]

A clear salamander, you're not seen.

[B]

If there's a big billboard when you walk in, it says that they're down there mucking around.

[A]

I think you have to go down.

[B]

Deep, but the diving board penetrates you down there? I can't be. I gotta be floating horizontal.

[A]

Well, I'm not like, who's actually diving off of a diving board?

[B]

If you are on a diving board jumping around, every man in there is gonna be bricked up with your jugs. Flopping around on the diving board. Also my stomach. We're not jumping on a diving board. We're walking in and going directly in the water. We're slithering in like the salamander. There's no jumping involved. You insane jumping at 40? Are you crazy? Me? I look insane on a diving board. We are going in the ladder. We're turning around. We're sucking in the whole way in.

[A]

I look just like a blue blow.

[B]

Up doll running down the diving board.

[A]

I'm doing the extra jumps.

[B]

Oh, of course you are. You're really slopping those things around. Every guy there is like, huh, I want to go on the diving board. No, I'm sucking in. I didn't realize tits route because I'm like, my tits. We were in Spain and I. I almost brought them out for a second because they're topless. They're topless.

[A]

They're everywhere.

[B]

There.

[A]

That makes me feel very comfortable.

[B]

It does. It. I was like, my. I'm watching my boyfriend look at. I'm like, just. Why can't men casually look? I'm like, I know. I'm like, we're all looking at the breasts. But don't be like, like, just do it. Like, just like, oh, wow. Look at people swimming over there. Just not like, huh? I'm like, you're pointing at them. Like, just make it less obvious. And then I'm like, can I take mine out? He's like, what the hell? I was gonna look at yours. I'm like, oh, but you can look at everybody else's boobies. But my little low hangers can't come out. My little deflated kielbasas can't come out and flop around the sun. Get some sun on them. They're white as hell. I feel like my tits look exactly like that woman. Another reference. You're not gonna know from me myself. No, no, no. From something about Mary.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do you know that movie? I do bring up the something about marriages. Okay.

[A]

This is a smoking lady.

[B]

Yes, that's exactly what my tits look like.

[A]

I know a reference.

[B]

White, little triangles.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're like deflated. That's what I feel like. My very specific. That's exactly that woman. She's fully tan, but her jugs are like pitch white.

[A]

Is that. Is that a dude?

[B]

I don't think so. I think it's a very tanned old woman. I don't know. I don't know. Look at her. She's. That was a rule. That's the kind of rule I want. I want to come into a movie like, hey, look at my little white tits, and just smoke and be disgusting. That's all I want to be. Some disgusting pig.

[A]

You should be in movies.

[B]

I'm in a couple. I'm in Bill Burr's. I fart on a balcony.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Method. Love that.

[B]

Yeah, that. What else? I'm doing my first horror movie I film in two weeks.

[A]

Congratulations.

[B]

What's it about? Get killed first. I haven't read the whole script.

[A]

You get killed first.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I'm. The opening of the movie.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I can't wait.

[A]

Oh, I'm like.

[B]

I want to know, like, oh, yeah. I can't wait. You better believe I'm gonna be overacting that. I'm gonna.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah. They're gonna be like, why do we hire her? I'm gonna be so. I would really ham it up. Okay. The camera turned off, and I'm still like, you'd be good in horror.

[A]

I have been in a couple horror movies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I die in all of them.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Except for one.

[B]

You live.

[A]

I live in one. And I actually. It was a big controversial thing because I took the lead role of this one movie, and I didn't die because I was the hero. And, like, all of production hated it because they wanted me to die.

[B]

Oh, yeah. They want you to die.

[A]

They want me to die.

[B]

Yeah. And the hot blonde to die.

[A]

That's. And the fact that I became the hero of this movie and I didn't die was a whole. Like, everyone was just bummed out every day that, like, at the end of the day, I was like, not the person that. They just didn't.

[B]

They know the script, though, was. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know. They just decided. They just wanted me to have the lead role. But then they also hated it that the lead role didn't die. So it was a real big.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

There's a lot of back and forth. I was like, you're like, sorry, can't die every day.

[B]

Yeah. I would want to be the murderer. I already dressed like Jason jumpsuits. Yeah. Whoever the. Yeah. I'd be like, I look like I could kill people. I look like.

[A]

Back to my questions about dating.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I've had so much fun going off all of my topics.

[B]

Yeah. Sorry. I'VE been.

[A]

What is the most romantic thing your boyfriend has ever done for you?

[B]

Oh, boy. Most romantic thing. Why is it so. So hard to think about? Oh, I guess the. When I first met him, he was doing the play. And when I got. He, like, when I got to the hotel, he'd already been like this. He was there for like three and a half weeks. So we had to stay in a hotel the whole time, which is hell. So he, like, got everything clean and he left little post it notes for me. He got me a bottle of wine. He's like, here, sweetie, get some drinks in you. And I told him I like dark chocolate. The little thing with dark chocolate on it. Roses. He had everything. It was very sweet. So to make it. And he, like, bought candles and he made the hotel room look very nice. It was that. That was one of the most romantic things. He's very romantic at the beginning, you know? The beginning, you get a moment of fades a tad. Yeah. But. Yeah, no, he's still. He'll get me flowers every once in a while. I'll go up for a run and he'll come home with like a bouquet. It was very nice.

[A]

Are you romantic?

[B]

I am. I think I am.

[A]

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for anybody? It doesn't even just have to be him.

[B]

I don't. Maybe I haven't really done much. Like, maybe I'm not romantic at all. What have I done? No, I planned. Like, I'll play that nice. Like, I don't know if I've done anything now. Maybe I'm a piece of.

[A]

You're not a piece of shit.

[B]

No, I'm like. I plan nice dinners. Like, I. You know, I took him to Spain. That was like his, like, birthday present.

[A]

I mean, you're giving blowjobs when you're tired.

[B]

I'm giving blowjobs so much, I feel like that's enough. I gave one so hard the day that I got a crick in my neck. I'm not even joking. I had to wear an Icy Hot patch. I'm like, that's dedication.

[A]

That's romantic.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Most men prefer that kind of romance, you know?

[B]

Well, he's getting that. No, I'm very. I'm very sweet and I'm like, I'm very thoughtful. Like, every time I go anywhere, I'll buy him something. Like, I thrift for him all the time and I'll buy him a cute. I don't know, but I don't think I've ever done anything crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Romantic. I've never filmed. We've never filmed. I never want to film myself.

[A]

Oh, no, me neither.

[B]

That's. We're not. That's enough.

[A]

Yeah. I feel like that's just like a lot of blackmail waiting to happen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If someone was ever like, hey, I'm.

[B]

Gonna get a video of this, I'd.

[A]

Be like, put your phone away.

[B]

The phone must be gone. Yeah.

[A]

That's so cool.

[B]

I would do it on, like, an old VHS tape because it would be grainy and you'd be like, what is that? Like, that's the only way I would do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Old school. Blurry. Almost like. You know when you're like, ghost hunting? Yeah, that. When it's like that weird, like just kind of orbs. It's just like a color. You're like, what? I don't know what that is that I would do because it's like, not nothing. Yeah. I'm like. I don't even know. Now I'm like, am I romantic? Maybe I'm not. Now I'm upset. You've upset me.

[A]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

[B]

I thought I was a nice, romantic person. I'm like.

[A]

I'm thinking, do you cook?

[B]

I do, yes. I make him dinner quite, quite often.

[A]

Are you a good cook?

[B]

I have, like three recipes. We're not going off those. I'm not. I'm okay. I'm bad at baking. I'm a pretty good cook. I'm bad at baking.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't like to follow the instructions. And then I'll put, like, my baking soda, my ass. And I'll put nothing. It'll be weird and it'll be falling apart and dry. But I'm like, I. I can cook. I cooked. I do classics.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like a curry. Simple stuff. I love curries, like a steak, Mediterranean.

[A]

You know, you don't have to make complicated stuff for it to be good.

[B]

Oh, I know what I did. I got. I know I did. He got a logo. I'm sorry, I just remembered. I'm like, this is nice. He got this logo made for his. For like, his. Just like for merch and stuff. And I got it made into a belt buckle for his birthday.

[A]

That is cool.

[B]

That is nice. And he didn't see coming because he loves belt buckles. I thought it was very specific. Yeah. Is that romantic? Yeah. I don't think I'm romantic at all. I bought him things. I buy him things. I'm romantic.

[A]

Sometimes that can be pretty romantic.

[B]

What do you do what's your romantic thing.

[A]

Man? Well, I'm a bored person sometimes, so I go like really above and beyond. And I do things and I think about things. For instance. Well, this wasn't my husband. I should probably tell a story about my husband, but I'm not going to. I'm gonna tell a story about my ex husband. Please don't ever use this as a promo. My ex husband was coming home and it was like Valentine's Day or his birthday or something. It was a special occasion. And I laid on a tape, I got black material and I made curtains. So when you walked into our place, the kitchen was like in front of you, but there was like an archway. And so I made these like black curtains that kind of look like this. And he had to come in and open the curtains. And I was laying naked on the table with banana leaves. And I had sushi.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

And I was hanging Chinese lanterns. And I made our kitchen look like a Chinese like sushi restaurant.

[B]

What?

[A]

And I had sake and all this stuff and I like had this whole. And candles and it was like dinner was served and then I was the plate.

[B]

This is insane.

[A]

And so that was like one thing that I did.

[B]

That's only one thing.

[A]

That was one thing. I've done lots of things.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Usually around food, though.

[B]

Well, I've done nothing. That after hearing that, I. The idea of putting. I am so hairy. If I. If I put sushi on my hairy stomach, he'd be like, I can't eat this.

[A]

That's why I put a banana leaf on there.

[B]

Okay, so the leaf and then the fucking thing and then the thing on top. Yeah. What dedication.

[A]

I.

[B]

But oh my God.

[A]

That was like this.

[B]

Well, now I'm like, okay, I gotta. I gotta step up my game. I gotta step up my sushi cake.

[A]

Mine are all like acts of service. Isn't that an act of service?

[B]

That's nice. I guess mine, I'm just trying to like buy them off. I'm like, here's another belt buckle, sweetheart. I love you.

[A]

Buying stuff is also cool though. I just, I don't know. That's just. I feel like the more effort I put into something that's insane.

[B]

That is unbelievable. Ordering the sushi, buying the curtain. Hanging.

[A]

Hanging. Yeah, I was hanging. So I put so much pre thought into it because I was like. And then it starts small. It starts with just. I'm gonna be the sushi plate.

[B]

Was. Did he mention that he liked that or something? Or is this just all.

[A]

We just would Go eat sushi all the time.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Because I'm like, I know that people do that. Which is. I always seen movies. Yeah. It was like, a roll would be hell. For sure. It's always just a weird tit because when your tits lying, it's never perked.

[A]

No, it's like, not.

[B]

All right. I'm like, that would be.

[A]

That's why I had the banana leaves.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because I wanted it to be like, you weren't eating it, like, right. Also, I didn't want to put sushi on my skin. And, like, I didn't know if he's going to be late or how long.

[B]

Yeah. How long did you sit there for?

[A]

I knew when he was coming home.

[B]

I was like, could you imagine? He's like, got in traffic and you're, like, sweating with all this. Yeah.

[A]

The sushi just like, this. Lukewarm.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

No. I just waited.

[B]

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard someone do for somebody that was like. That was. I can't believe it. No wonder. This is your podcast. That's insane. That's like the most romantic, thoughtful thing. Maybe I'm gonna go suck him off after this. I feel bad after hearing that. I'm like, another blowjob. He's like, we have to go for dinner. I'm like, let me do this. It's romantic. No Invisalign this time. I'll be nice.

[A]

Well, where can people find you at.

[B]

Steph Tollev on Instagram and watch my special on Netflix called Filth Queen, please. Yeah. Cool.

[A]

Thank you for coming on my show.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

Thank you guys for watching another episode. We'll see you next time.

[B]

First date.

[A]

Baby, are you really drinking? Making a glass of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Delete my number.

[B]

First date.

[A]

Your parents are your roommates.

[B]

Thursday.