I Got Swatted By My EX Wife w/ Tom Arnold | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton

Episode: “I Got Swatted By My Ex Wife w/ Tom Arnold”

Guest: Tom Arnold

Release Date: July 21, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and revealing episode, Lauren Compton and guest Tom Arnold dive into the perils and absurdities of dating, marriage, and co-parenting after incredibly challenging breakups. Tom shares war stories from his four marriages, especially his tumultuous experiences with his most recent ex-wife (including being "swatted"), and reflects on the emotional journey of seeking unconditional love, coparenting challenges, personal growth, and the humor found amidst chaos. The conversation veers through comedic anecdotes, raw honesty, and thoughtful insights about relationships, personal transformation, and resilience.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Touring, Single Fatherhood, and Getting Older (00:48–01:36)

• Tom Arnold talks about his stand-up tour ("My Crazy Ex Wife"), life on the road at age 67, and raising his two kids, 13 and 10, as a single dad.
  • Quote: “You could be married, divorced three times and still kind of go women-crazy, but if you get divorced a fourth time you go: oh my gosh, it’s me. And it is me.” (01:36, Tom)

2. Patterns in Love and Red Flags (01:51–03:20)

• Tom confesses to his pattern of "love bombing"—getting intensely into someone, then abruptly pulling away over minor flaws.
• He attributes part of his relationship struggles to projecting a longing for unconditional love onto partners—an expectation born from family issues.
  • Quote: “I was looking for unconditional love, which you really can’t get in a marriage. ... I’ve been projecting that on women, expecting that from them. And so that’s not fair.” (01:53, Tom)

3. Love, Food, and Family Dynamics (05:09–09:13)

• The hosts share stories about acts of service in relationships, especially around cooking meals—and the emotional standoffs that can result.
• Lauren tells a memorable childhood story about her mom retaliating against her dad by serving him only Whataburger for weeks until he apologized.
  • Quote: “For two solid weeks, she would go to Whataburger and get a bag and just set it on his table… until he apologized...” (07:04, Lauren)

4. Learning to Apologize and Validate Feelings (09:13–10:30)

• Tom and Lauren discuss apologizing in relationships, with Lauren admitting to struggles with deflecting and gaslighting instead of validating her husband’s feelings.
  • Quote: “Instead of saying, ‘Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,’ I’ll try to deflect and make him feel like he’s... I guess it’s called gaslighting.” (10:15, Lauren)

5. Swatting, Divorce, and IVF Nightmares (13:39–18:35)

• Tom details the surreal experience with his fourth ex-wife, who called the police (“swatted” him) multiple times, sometimes in front of their children.
• The harrowing medical journey: after 23 failed rounds of IVF, Tom underwent a risky procedure to extract sperm directly from his testicles—resulting (against all odds) in the birth of his son, and later, the surprise birth of a daughter from a seven-year-old frozen embryo.
  • Quote: “You could Google it. She has walked right up to me like the Terminator. ... She called the police like 16 times—she swatted the kids... She is batshit crazy.” (13:45 & 14:25, Tom)
  • Quote: “So they found one sperm. Put one of her eggs… Nine months later my son was born.” (15:39, Tom)

6. Mediums and Skepticism (17:05–19:02)

• Tom recounts his meeting with Tyler Henry (“Hollywood Medium”), who inadvertently predicted the birth of his daughter, to Tom’s disbelief.
• Discussion about how fame and Google may make it easier for mediums to seem accurate.
  • Quote: “He said, do you have any psychic questions? I go, yeah, are me and that lady over there going to have any more kids? ... He goes, ‘yes.’” (17:33, Tom)

7. Therapy, People-Pleasing, and Relationship Advice (19:40–23:14)

• Both describe how they try to “perform” even in therapy, with Tom admitting he wants to please therapists too.
• They share the best and worst advice from therapists, and Tom reveals how outside support systems (like assistants and friends) can reinforce healthy boundaries, especially with children.
  • Quote: “I want the therapist to think they’re doing a great job. So I will agree with everything they say… people pleaser.” (19:40, Tom)

8. The Realities of Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex (24:09–28:55)

• Tom provides jaw-dropping details on being repeatedly swatted, his ex’s personality disorders, and the impossibility of having normal “rules” with a co-parent who acts like the Joker to his Batman.
  • Quote: “The best way I could describe it: it’s like Batman and the Joker trying to co-parent together. Batman has rules, there’s ethics; the Joker will shoot innocent bystanders.” (26:30, Tom)

9. Family History: Addiction, Trauma, and the Queen of Meth (28:55–32:06)

• Tom shares his chaotic upbringing: a mother who abused substances, and a sister (Lori) who became a major drug dealer (“Queen of Meth”).
  • Quote: “First drugs and booze we ever did, we got from our mom... There’s a documentary series about my little sister called the Queen of Meth. ... It’s pretty good.” (29:05 & 30:16, Tom)

10. Reflections on Why His Relationships Failed (32:06–41:35)

• Tom acknowledges the impact of his family history and own choices on his string of failed marriages. He emphasizes gratitude for his children despite everything.

11. Anecdotes: Divorce Drama, Medical Scares, and AI Gurus (33:27–39:56)

• A wild sequence involving Tom injuring himself, navigating intrusive ex-wife behavior, and discovering she watches an AI “guru” every morning for “abundance” advice.
  • Quote: “She watches this thing over and over and the guy’s AI. And I had no idea.” (39:25, Tom)

12. Falling in Love for the Wrong Reasons & Date Proposals (39:56–49:19)

• Tom discusses projecting his desires onto partners, picking for the wrong reasons, and sharing “big-timing” stories—including his first marriage to Roseanne Barr.
• Intimate insights into proposing to Roseanne and the personal transformation that came through rehab.
  • Quote: “I had to have something that I was going to lose. ... That therapist goes, have you ever considered getting sober for yourself? ... You gotta love yourself, Tom.” (45:18, Tom)

13. Parenting and Advice for New Moms and Dads (49:45–54:16)

• Tom and Lauren trade tips and jokes about raising young children, the realities of parenthood (including diapers), and supporting partners.
  • Quote: "Change every diaper, take every night shift. Do all that stuff for the baby—it’s so satisfying, and they know, they feel it." (52:22, Tom)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On His Pattern in Relationships:
  “If you get divorced a fourth time, you go: oh my gosh, it’s me.” (01:36, Tom)
• On Parental Unconditional Love:
  “I was looking for unconditional love, which you really can't get in a marriage...” (01:53, Tom)
• On Romanticizing Family:
  “When you grow up, the mom would come over, so wasted—first drugs and booze we ever did, we got from our mom.” (29:05, Tom)
• Swatting and Co-Parenting:
  “She’ll call the cops, SWAT team has to come… But she does this stuff in front of the kids. The best way I could describe it is Batman and the Joker co-parenting.” (26:20–26:30, Tom)
• Advice from Arnold Schwarzenegger:
  “Change every diaper, take every night shift. ...He’s closer to the next kid [because of it].” (52:47, Tom recounting Arnold Schwarzenegger’s parenting experience)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:48 – Tom on touring and single fatherhood
• 01:53 – His search for unconditional love
• 07:04 – Lauren’s Whataburger standoff story
• 10:15 – Lauren on gaslighting and apologizing
• 14:25 – Tom on being “swatted” by his ex
• 15:39 – IVF story: direct sperm extraction
• 17:33 – Psychic predicts his future daughter
• 19:40 – Tom on people-pleasing in therapy
• 26:30 – The "Batman and Joker" coparenting analogy
• 30:16 – Tom's sister as the “Queen of Meth”
• 39:25 – AI Guru revelation
• 45:18 – Rehab and self-love insight
• 52:22 – Changing diapers as a dad
• 53:45 – “You got to work through that with him.” (child poop stories)

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Closing Thoughts

Tom Arnold’s session with Lauren Compton feels both like group therapy and stand-up set—unguarded, sometimes outrageous, deeply honest, often hilarious, and packed with hard-earned wisdom about love, recovery, and the messy reality of family.

If you’re looking for inspiration on resilience, some cautionary tales about relationships, and a lot of laugh-out-loud moments, this episode is quintessentially Tom Arnold at his most raw and funny.

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Find Tom Arnold’s tour info at: tomarnoldcomedy.com
Lauren Compton on socials: @iamlaurencompton

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight.

[B]

First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. What is up, you guys? Thank you for watching another episode of First Date. My guest today is an actor, writer and comedian. You can see him on tour anywhere. Go to tomarnoldcomedy.com his tour is called My crazy ex wife. Give it up for to Arnold.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Great to be here.

[B]

Thank you for coming on.

[C]

Thank you for having me. Yeah, it's very exciting. Is it over? No, we're just starting, right.

[B]

Could you imagine? Great job.

[C]

Great to be here. Great to be in Austin area tour. Been. Been doing it for 13 months and lot of 75 downs and it's going well.

[B]

That's a lot of cities.

[C]

Yeah, it's a lot of work too.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because I turned 67 in March and my kids, my son's 13, my daughter's 10. I'm a single dad. My kids like, dad, you got your aura back. I go, what do you mean? He goes, six, seven. I go, what does that mean? They're like, oh, yeah, you know, 69 meant something. I don't be crude. But when I grew up in Iowa, yeah, all man. I don't care who. You could be a senator and someone says something about 69, you're like, that's hilarious.

[B]

Have you only been married one time?

[C]

I've been married four times.

[B]

Four times, yes.

[C]

And you could be married, divorced three times and still kind of go women crazy. But if you get divorced a fourth time, you go, oh, my gosh, it's me. And it is me. Haven't had a date in nine years.

[B]

Why do you say it was you? What do you think?

[C]

Well, obviously, I'm making the choices that are. I don't know if I'm trying to recreate my mother. I had a mother. I was raised by a single dad, but that she was super crazy. And I always wanted to be more like my dad who was married once. And. But, you know, you fall into that thing and what it really was was, was I was looking for unconditional love, which you really can't get in a marriage. You could get. I'll always support you. But the moment my son was born, the first baby, I looked at his eyes and said, that's it. And I've been projecting that on women, expecting that from them. And so that's not fair. And I also married some super couple, super crazy women.

[B]

What do you think when you're in a relationship is your biggest red flag?

[C]

Man, I I tell you, I. I really have worked on. Because when I was young, I'd meet a woman or guess a young girl or whatever, and I'd be so into her, so into her. And. And then I'd see her at the lunchroom, and she'd have green parsley or something in her teeth. I'm like, that's it. I'm out. I cannot fake this anymore. So I go hard, and then, you know, ghost. And I don't want to do that to women now.

[B]

So, like, you would Love Bomb.

[C]

Yes, I would Love Bomb. I didn't have money to buy Love Bomb stuff, but, yeah, it's like I saw the whole relationship through. Yeah, she's the one. And again, I was looking for a specific thing, which is have my own family.

[B]

Love bombing, to me, if you do it emotionally is much more traumatic than any kind of, like, gift giving.

[C]

Right.

[B]

You know, because you.

[C]

That's true. That's true. But, you know, I was grade school in junior high where these things are happening, and. But I could see myself doing that now. And, you know, there are women that come to the show. There's a woman last night who, you know, people, shockingly, will offer to marry me or have sex with me. And my first thought is, what is wrong with this? But I do think that in the future, it'll be a woman who has kids about the same age as mine. So it starts with a play date. You know, my daughter, every day at school, she's like, what do you think of Harper's mom? I go, I love Harper's mom. Let's pretend she's my girlfriend. And my son is very much against it by Sue Dream scenario. We're at the park. Kids are playing, having fun. The mom turns to me and said, do you want to have sex behind that dumpster? Yeah, I do. Listen, you're reading my mind. But I think, you know, I have a lot of women friends that are very freaking cool, very honest with me about this and that. I just say, don't. I'm not going to. One day I'll go out to coffee with somebody. Yeah, yeah. But not. It's not now. I think I do miss babe. You miss the sex. You miss love. It would be nice to have a little more love.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It has to be okay with the kids.

[B]

Do you, like. When you say that you search for, like, unconditional love? Is that like doing all of the. What kind of a love language is that? Is it like acts of service where they cook for you?

[C]

They cook you. I mean, that's very special. The cookie for you. Now, you know, a lot of. I watched a lot of Dateline, and a lot of that stuff happens in this area. And men are so easy to kill because all you have to do is poison our food. You know, there's a whole week of. Of wives who poisons men's food. And the best one was a woman makes his favorite chili. And she sits there and smiles while he's eating that. There's no greater love than that. Why she look at my big fat husband and it tastes funky. He's. But he's not. He's not a jerk. He's gonna eat it. And the next day she puts more antifreeze in it. And he still eats it. The next day, he died.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

I assume he wanted to die, probably. But it is nice. I had two wonderful grandmas.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Who would do that with me. I guess I never had, you know, that kind of unconditional love, but I don't expect somebody to do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, I wanted to have my back. You know, they don't have to go to the shows.

[B]

That makes sense. But having your back is important.

[C]

There is a. Yeah. That's it. They have to.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Your story of food reminds me of something that my mom did. She didn't kill my dad, but not yet.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

He died on his own.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Of course you did.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't believe.

[B]

But there. So my mom, I grew up with her making meals every night. She had a full time job.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

My dad had a full time job, and she would still cook a whole meal every night. And one night she made this, like, extravagant Mexican food meal, and it was like fajitas, and she did guacamole, and she'd made queso and salsa, and everything was from scratch. And so even though that seems like a simple.

[C]

No, it's a big deal cuisine.

[B]

It took a lot of work. And my dad comes home and he was just in a bad mood, and he sees the table all set and he goes, I'm not hungry. And he walked upstairs and like, never to be seen the rest of that night again. So my mom and I sat there and ate it. And the next day, my mom was like, I will make you whatever you want, but for the next two weeks, dad's just gonna eat Whataburger. So I was like, oh, okay. I was like 9 years old, so I'm like, I guess that's what he wants. And for two solid weeks, she would go to Whataburger. And get a bag and just set it on his table and, like, his. Where he would sit at the table. And that was his dinner for two weeks until he apologized and was like, I'm so sorry. I will never pass up a homemade meal again. Just please don't make me eat any more Whataburger. I'm so over it.

[C]

I think that was your dad's plan all along.

[B]

Oh, it was Whataburger. Because later that night, when he did get hungry, he went to Whataburger.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And so my mom was like, okay, that's what you want to eat. And so that's why she gave it to him for. That was the. That was the reason why. Yeah.

[C]

Well, I think also the fact she went to all that trouble, and he comes in, looks at the table, it's all set, and says, I'm not hungry. It's kind of a little bit hassle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I couldn't imagine.

[C]

And I would again, I would eat it all. I like whataburger, though.

[B]

I do, too.

[C]

I think he tricked her into going out and getting him whataburger every day.

[B]

I think at first he was like,

[C]

okay, I hate Whataburger. But, you know, that's the kind of stuff that happens, and, you know, you get over it. You apologize. You know, in a good relationship, try not to be cruel. And if you're cruel, you apologize sincerely and. But you can't keep doing it.

[B]

Yeah. No, you have to mean it and change. Do you think it's hard to apologize?

[C]

I've learned how to do it. I worked my way through it, you know, I. I did. I don't try to go back and forth. Well, what I meant was, you know, I. I. So I'm good at it because I sincerely beat it.

[B]

I find it hard to apologize. I think that's a weakness of mine.

[C]

Well, why would you apologize?

[B]

I can do things wrong. I mess up. I make mistakes. Like, sometimes I'm not very respectful of my husband's feelings. Like, when I should be. When his feelings matter. You know, you're with someone, they're your partner. And, like, when someone tells you that something upsets them, I can. Yeah. He can be like, hey, this is really, like, not cool, and I don't appreciate this. And then instead of saying, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, I'll try to deflect and make him feel like he's. I guess it's called gaslighting.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I'll just tell him that he's like, wrong for feeling that way. And I'll. I'm like, no, I think that I don't, like, I don't validate his feelings.

[C]

Right. And the fact that he shares them with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I'm just like, yeah, well, my fourth ex wife. After my third divorce, I realized my dream is always have a family. And I realized I'm not gonna have a family, but I have. I'm an uncle, I have a heart camp. There's other ways to do that. And. But I'm certainly not getting married again because that's. And then I met my fourth.

[B]

But you say that what if. What if you met. What if you met another one?

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[B]

Okay, hear me out.

[A]

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[C]

I did get married because I was at a Passover Seder. You're not Jewish, right?

[B]

No.

[C]

Okay. It's like Easter for Jews. A woman came up and said, you and her are the only two single Jews here. You should go out to coffee. I said, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to start something, you know. And she got up. She's about six one big gets up, right? My face says, that's. Yeah, I know. She got a long wingspan, man. She. She called the police like 16 times. She swatted the kids that I. You could Google it several times. So she has walks right up to me like the Terminator says, I'm gonna have children. I'd had 20 failed IVFs with my first 3x y.

[B]

You did?

[C]

Yeah. And it was completely my fault by issue for low sperm count. So I remember thinking, she's batshit crazy, but I think she's gonna have children no matter what. So, you know, we met for coffee and I said, I don't want to do IVF because it goes well for a while and then it doesn't. I don't want to put you through it. She's like, I don't hold the baggage you're passed against you. Why are you holding it against me? So we did 20. We did three more rounds. 23 failed rounds. Went to a guy in Santa Monica, Dr. Richard Marsh. Genius. I ruined his reputation. And so we're down there closing out the account. And I said, doc, you know you've done everything humanly possible. She certainly has. But when there's a science catches up, there something you do on a man. I'll be back in here. And he's like, tom, actually there is something I'd like to try to man. And I'm going, okay, what would that be? He said, I was thinking about splitting your scrotum open, taking your testicles out of there, taking a needle right in your testicle in case it's your tubing that's a problem. And I'm like, run that by me in A freaking hall. You saw me showboat for my old lady. Now I have to have a completely wasted, worthless surgery. We both know it's not going to work. And she's like, we do that for Sonny. We. I'm like, okay, you damn right it will. Because also, for person, recovery surgery is a snow day. Because before they cut your nut sack, they're like, now we're going to give you something to relax you. And you're like, you damn right you are. I want all of it. But they found one sperm, put one of her eggs that's already down there. Nine months later, my son was born. Yeah. Yeah. Now, very quickly, the mom and I. The kids never seen the mom and I together. And I think that's good, because sometimes when the whole family lives under one roof and there's a divorce, kids romanticize that, you know? But they ever see us together. So I get a voice again. She's called the police 13 times. Had to be taken out of the house, all these things. And I keep thinking, when is that going to end? When is there going to be a moment of grace? So she called, said, tyler Henry, Hollywood Medium, wants you to do a show. Have you ever heard of Tyler Henry, Hollywood Medium? I'm very skeptical about all that stuff. And I said, what's a medium? She says, he talks to dead people.

[A]

People.

[C]

He said on tv, he talks to dead people and said, please do a show. So I get a psychic reading. And I'm like, okay.

[B]

You said, okay. So you went and did this.

[C]

Okay, Well, I thought the psyche might tell her to back the f off.

[B]

But you went to get your, like, fortune told, right?

[C]

Well, though, he comes to the house with cameras and. And then, first of all, he walks my house like this. Whoa, your mother is here. And she is sorry. Which tells me he did not know anything about my mother. But at the end. At the end, he pulls out a legal pad, I guess he always does it, and says, do you have any psychic questions? I go, yeah. Are me and that lady way over there gonna have any more kids? Now, I know it's physiologically impossible. He goes, yes. And I'm like, I better put my boot on his neck now. Is gonna be a boy or a girl. And he goes, a girl. And I even looked at her, and she only said she ever agreed with me. She goes, she's full of. So walk. About three days later, in my office, get a call from a cryo bank in Long Beach, California. They're like, yo, it's $5,700. I'm like, why would I owe you? We have a frozen embryo from seven years ago down here. And to her credit, she jumps in her truck 100 miles an hour down there, they shoot that little ice cube up her hoo. Ha. And nine months later, my daughter's born.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[C]

So I've got more than I ever. You know, I'm so glad I had a daughter. People are like, you, too bad you didn't have a daughter. Go, how could it be any better? How could it be any different?

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So that's it. That's the story.

[B]

Well, that's pretty cool.

[C]

Very cool.

[B]

I mean, that he came through with some facts.

[C]

He did. He's a very nice guy and legitimate as they could come. And once my women, my single mom friends saw that I did the show, they had me call, try to book some time with them, you know, and. But very nice guy.

[B]

I wonder if being famous, like, being in the public eye and being able to Google pretty much anything someone wants to know about you, if that would make it easy. Easier for a medium, though.

[C]

Well, yeah. Or a card reader or. Yeah, you know, it would have to. Or magician. You know, they come in there, they're mine people, but you tell. They've read everything and. Yeah, it would be. It would. First of all, you would ask me to be on the show if he hadn't Googled.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, but it's good that you asked him some questions that hadn't, like, had no answers.

[C]

Well, mine with those guys or therapists, I want them to be happy. I want the therapist to think they're doing a great job. So I will agree with everything they say, you know, people pleaser.

[B]

But, yeah, you're making the therapist feel better.

[C]

You do. You have to. And you got to have new material when you're going into therapy. Like, am I gonna do the same old. I gotta have something that happened, you know, it's like when I speak of these 12 step meetings, I get asked, I go, I've done this before. I need new material. Maybe I'll relapse. Who knows? Gotta add to the story.

[B]

You know, I never thought about it like that, but I bet that a therapist does expect a comedian to be rather comical. Like, look at the brighter side of things.

[C]

Yeah, well, you have to be careful because they'll use that against you.

[B]

Really?

[C]

You're being kind of funny, Charlie. Like, this isn't funny. This is life. You're hiding behind your sense of humor. And then you, you know, I'd be

[B]

like, oh, my gosh, I just bombed.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It didn't work.

[C]

But also, you want people to know you're funny, know who you are. But when people do know who you are and you're funny, you're. You got to lose respect for them. Like that nothing means anything.

[B]

Yeah, that.

[C]

Laughter, whatever, you know, I wanted to hate me as much as I do.

[B]

What's the biggest piece of advice that a therapist has ever given you?

[C]

I've had therapists, had a lot of different kinds of therapy, but to keep. Stay in there, you know, after I do. It was not going to work.

[B]

Like, stay in your relationship.

[C]

Yeah. It's abusive. It's. All we did is work on me. And then I've had therapists say, get out, run. And that offended me, too.

[B]

Yeah. I guess hearing it both ways is hard.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you know that staying. You're in therapy because you're having problems.

[C]

Right. Or the relationship is. Yeah.

[B]

Right. And then. Yeah. To hear that you should stay or for someone to tell you to leave.

[C]

Yeah. It's weird. I remember, as I said, I'm a single dad. We're sitting at the dinner table, my assistant, who's half my age, whose dad lives here making movies, one of my sons said something snotty to me, and I. You know, and then Sasha was like, stop it, stop it. Don't disrespect your dad. I remember feeling so uncomfortable. I'm like, I'm mad at her for doing that. But it worked, really? Because you need somebody for the outside to say, that's not okay.

[B]

Right.

[C]

I would have just let it go. Otherwise. They think all women want to kick you and punch you and have you arrested. But you have a single mom friend that's nice to you, but also honest, and the kids respect that. It just made me nervous that she was talking to my kids like that.

[B]

Yeah. Because it's not you.

[C]

Right. But she'd been with us five years.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I also. I also was not used to somebody standing up for me.

[B]

Oh. You know, well, hey, that's part of unconditional love that's happening back.

[C]

But, you know, I'm an adult. I'm the. You know, I don't need anybody doing that. So.

[B]

It's nice, though, sometimes.

[C]

It is nice. It is nice.

[B]

You know, I remember the biggest piece of shit advice a therapist ever gave me. And I'm not trying to knock therapists.

[C]

Therapists can be great, but there's a variety of them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I did have one. I went. I went with my. I was married once before, and my Ex husband.

[C]

I'm aware.

[B]

His. His terrible quality was that he would hold grudges against me. So like, anything that would happen, that would go wrong or whatever, he would remember it and then he would like kind of pile them up and then throw them in my face during arguments. So it was like he could never get over anything. And I kept telling it. We would have the longest conversations and I'm like, you have to get over this. Like, let's just talk it through. Let's both squash it and move past it. Well, he couldn't do it. We would do that. It's been hours. And then he could just. The next day it was like that. It was like Groundhog Day. He could never. It nothing processed.

[C]

It sounds like a narcissist.

[B]

Oh my gosh.

[C]

I know a lot about that now because of. You know, if you're in court as much as I bid with the fourth ex, they will order a psychiatric evaluation. And so downtown la, they did. The lady comes back, she's not a psychopath who wants to murder you, which is good news. She's a sociopath who wants other people to murder you. Like the cops. Narcissistic sociopath.

[B]

And this is the one that called the cops on you like 13 times.

[C]

Yeah. And the one is broken into my house, had to be taken out and oh my gosh, she'll call the cops. The kids are home asleep with me. Like, would you call? Would you call the cops? Say his name's Tom Arnold. He's very violent. He's got a lot of guns. I'm worried about the kids. There's a protocol where the SWAT team has to come and they their guns blazing. So normal person would go, I'm not going to do that. The kids are in the house. But she, she doesn't have that thing.

[B]

Oh my gosh.

[C]

So the first time I see about the monitor, jump out of bed, get out there in my underwear, boxers.

[B]

It's like a movie scene.

[C]

Yeah, but I saw, I go, slow down, guys, slow down, boy. I know who called you. It's not true. I said, my kids are asleep. It's a school night. I'm not waking him up. They're good. You have to take my word for it. And I got no guns. So the cops leave and I have to wake up the kids. We gotta hide the freaking guns now.

[B]

Were you guys just arguing?

[C]

No. We had not been together for a long time, but she plans these little capers out. You know why? Yeah, that's her thing. A conflict would be. Is her Thing, I don't know why. She is evil but not an evil genius. So she knows there's cameras everywhere, you

[B]

know, could you imagine someone just calling you evil and not an evil genius?

[C]

Yeah. Thank God, though. But it's. I think it's a personality disorder as compared to a mental health issue.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And so I. I said, what can I do about it? Nothing. What could she do about it? She'll never do anything. But, you know, there. There are patterns.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, and once in a while I'll say to my assistant, she hasn't been here, I think it's over. And she'll go, she's in the front yard, but she does this stuff in front of the kids. And the best way I could describe it is like Batman and the Joker trying to co parent together. Because Batman has rules, there's certain ethics. The Joker will shoot innocent bystanders. Yeah. That's why we could never get anything, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. So I'm grateful. When we were under the same roof, it was much worse. We tried to live one side of the house, this side, and. And when she moved out and got her old place, which she needed to do, you know, I remember the booby truck came, kids are getting ready to go to soccer, and all of a sudden guys just start coming through the front door, ripping TVs, chandeliers, stuff off the wall. And my son's like, daddy, they're stealing our stuff. I go, nope, it's half your mom's. She can have whatever she wants. And then it went on for another hour. And I said, get your iPad. Go in the back of that truck and film what they're stealing from us, you know, so. But I keep thinking of these markers. I'll be. Gets her old place. That'll be cool. Never had her old place before. And. But it's not. But you know, it's, you know, and I filed for divorce. She said she hated me and wanted to divorce for three years, and then she moved out. I realized she's not gonna file for divorce. She's gonna go for 10 years, which is unlimited, you know, alimony. So I filed for divorce. And that enraged her. And, you know, she said, you know, she'll file domestic violence, restraining orders and stuff. And fortunately, easy, easily provable. But yeah, you know, there's just certain things you don't do in front of your kids. You have guardrails. Now, once in a while I've said things, you know, I try not to do that. I don't talk about her in front of them, it's her mom. They love their mom, love their dad. And they've also seen it up. And so if she does something incredibly inappropriate in front of the kids, I'll say, hey, what, what just happened here? Was it okay? I don't treat people like that. I don't want you treat people like that. And then we move on. Because when I grew up, our mom would come over so wasted. First drugs and booze we ever did, we got from our mom.

[B]

Oh my goodness.

[C]

And she fall into the Christmas tree. I don't know why we had a Christmas tree. We're Jewish, but. And dad would just laugh. Dad would laugh. I don't know if he thought he was taking the high road, but I knew she wasn't a mom. But my little sister Lori idolized her. So Laurie ended up. I moved in with our mom when I was 15. When I was 10, dad married the next door neighbor, you know, because he couldn't date. I moved in because I dad had two B rolls. Wanted to grow my hair, wanted to drink, wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. And first night there, my mom's like, there's beer in the fridge. You can bring your girlfriend here and F her. I never heard adults say that. And I'll see you in a month. I remember, I love it. My throat, like I made a horrible mistake. So my sister was 14, great student, great athlete, lots of friends. She knew I was over there, she moved it and she and my mom became drinking buddies, running buddies. And so her life collapsed. Let me just call her. Her life collapsed. She went for this great student to. There's a documentary series about my little sister called the Queen of Meth. My little sister was the biggest drug dealer in America. It's pretty good. It's on Discovery and people.

[B]

That's your little. That's your actual little sister?

[C]

Yeah, year and a half younger. Came to the show last week. But I, you know, people are like, was it embarrassing have your sister be a drug dealer? I'm like, not. When I was doing drugs, it was actually very handy. But she worshiped the mom. She ends up beating one of her friends, this 22 year old pedophile. And at one point my mom said, you have three choices. I can have him arrested. And you know, the 14 year old girl's like, no, you could break up with him. No. Or you could marry him.

[B]

Yikes.

[C]

So she drove her down to Missouri. They got all wasted. I heard about it and I was trying to figure out what highway they were on. So I Could catch up with them, dad, same thing came back. My mom was just. She lisped when she was drunk. Bugs me so much. She also lied all the time. And Lori was out with her. I go, where's Laurie? She's. She lives with Bob. Down I go, God, I'm so pissed off now. His wedding night, the way that he beat her up. Lori, I went, got her, brought her back. Now, the thing is, you cannot go back to eighth grade. Once you've been married, that part of your life is over. So. By the way, Bob died in a mysterious fire in his own bed, so. But she ruined her life, you know, and so I think our mom was also dealt drugs, you know, low level. And Lori loved her, but she was also competitive with her Bob. And she decided, I'm going to do that drug thing, except I'm going to make it huge and be very, very successful. So that's kind of, you know, it's like Breaking Bad. Yes. Before, but, yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Wow. Well, I hate to say this, but it's not shocking that your relationships haven't worked out right.

[C]

You're right. I. Well, okay. I had a. Back in November, do a thing where we're getting ready to go back in court. And my lawyers, like, you have to read all the transcripts of all the old stuff. I'm like, shit, I just played basketball with my son and my daughter for three hours. Feel a little tired. Hadn't done that for a while. And sitting at the end of the bed and read, trying to finish up this stuff. And I dozed off for a second, and I'm like, I should probably go to sleep right now. And I thought, I'm going to do 20 more minutes. So my assistant, who could see everything from the camera, said, I dozed off again. Face forward, beds up high. Smashed my face on my dresser that has these big metal handles. I knocked me out for a second, and then I kind of. I was like, did it wake the kids up? No, they're asleep. Good. And I was like, and I'm sweating a lot still for basketball, but it wasn't sweat. So I crawl to the bathroom. I go, I got towels. I'm gonna fix this. And that did not work. So I'm like, I'm gonna go to the kitchen, get some ice packs.

[B]

Were you bleeding?

[C]

Oh, yes, profusely. You know, I was on blood thinners from. Because of blood thinners. And it was a lot. And I thought I could handle this. Okay, cool. So I get the kitchen. Ice is not working. My housekeeper made a Video of the blood. So my plan is this. She comes in at 6:30am I'm going to let her know she has to drive the kids to school at 6:45, I'm going to be in my office, lay a bunch of towels down and lock the door. And she could tell, oh, he's working or doing an interview. And then once they leave and they don't know, I will go to a doctor. And so I sat myself the kitchen upright so I could see her Rosa pull up. And apparently I went to sleep at Subway. I take my shirt off because it's so bloody. And Rosa came in and saw me and screamed. And now the kids are up, you know, very traumatic. And so we're gonna have to work on forever. And I'm like, they're like, the girls are like, you gotta call an ambulance. I go, no, I'm fine. And Jack's like, he doesn't want, he doesn't want an ambulance. But I definitely needed to do it. So I did it and got out there. And the kids that I've let them watch this part of it with the ambulance. But the ambulance outside load me in. And then you see a car about 80 miles an hour go by. They'd slap on his brakes, come back around, the mom gets out, jumps in the ambulance, not supposed to be in the ambulance, and asks what hospital I'm going to. They won't tell her. And so she ends up leaving the kids with Rosa Taylor, the ambulance to the hospital because she had to know where I was. You know, she's dead. She's banned from all this medical stuff with me. And my manager, he's like, don't worry, buddy, I'll keep her out of here. And he said, she's calling a lot for info, but I'll keep her out of here. I go, thank you. He sat right outside my door. They're. I kind of come through, they're changing my gown, it's over my face. And I hear, don't worry, I've seen it before. I'm like, oh my God. And she is right here. I told you not to ignore me. So they did fix my nose. One night in the hospital, my kids call, we want you to come over here to Mom's because we're worried about you. I go, yeah, I can't do the next day I picked pick you up. But we have a couple weeks to. And so my daughter would say, I'll make you dinner. She makes me dinner a lot. And I say, oh, that's so sweet. And Sasha and everybody else, like, don't go over there. You'll ruin 10 years of stuff. So then she started escalating. I got new sheets, dad, for you. And it's going to be very. Then finally I said, I'm going to go over there. Because even if I know she's putting the kids up to it, the fact that my daughter asked me in such a nice way. So I go over. Before I go over, I'm talking to the kids. I know she's standing right there. I said, I need Ashley. I need you to promise this isn't something for court, that this is not something, you know, there's not a setup. And she's like, well, of course not. And then my son went into her and asked the same question, videotaped it. So I went over there, and she has a very nice place, and the kids had got a lot of rest in the morning. I thought, when she takes him to school very close to her place, I'm gonna call an Uber, get the F out of here. So her. To take her to school. There's a something on the 405, some kind of construction. Takes a long time to get the Uber there. So I'm just like, I gotta get. She comes back. She went very fast. And I go, you know, I just want to tell you how grateful I am that you're so hospitable. Open your house. And how lucky the kids are. They live in a beautiful place like this. It's safe, and I sure appreciate it. She's like, would you like to watch my guru? She called the guru. I can't remember what she called him. He's about to go live. It's like 7:30am and so I go, oh, okay. She has a long white couch just sat at the very far end. And there is a laptop open, which my son said, there's a camera in there. I wanted the camera. So we watched this guy. He seems kind of amazing. Women all over the world are calling because they want their abundance. My. I've heard her talk about the $25 million abundance that's coming her way. So I'm like, before I get out of here, I got to say something that I've learned watching us. And I said, you know what? I. I like this guy. You know, I made the same mistake over and over. And that's why I've had trouble relationship. Tried to recreate my thing with my mom. And then he keeps talking. He said, you want. You'll never get your abundance if you lie. If you lie about Somebody if you do all this stuff. And so I thought, I'm going to take a leap of faith. I said, I what? He just said, you haven't got your abundance because you lie. You know, you'll file that. I'm stalking you. These are obviously lies.

[B]

I bet she didn't like to hear that.

[C]

Yeah, if you stop doing it, you get your abundance. She's like, I don't want to talk about this stuff. Anyway, gather, go pick up the kids after school. I'm telling my kids what happened. They're like, that's not. He wasn't on live. She does that every day. He is AI. And I like, what is. You know. Yeah, so she watches this thing over and over and the guy's AI. And I had no idea. It's a good gig, man. It's way. It was like 7:30 in the morning. I'm like, why is he on live? Well, she said at one point she went, would you like to go on live with me right now? I go, I got a nose bandage. No, but, but what would if I was AI?

[B]

Oh my goodness. Okay, so a couple questions. First of all, what made you fall in love with this woman?

[C]

Well, again, I project my dreams on her. I wasn't in my best place. You know, I thought she's cute, she has a biting sense of humor. I thought I'd better think of that. She really, really tore me a new one. That's funny to be that brave. And then about six months later, like she has no sense of humor. She hates me. That's what, you know, you try to do everything to make something work. And again, the fact is she was so on board to have kids. So, you know, my second ex wife, Roseanne's my first, she's a little older. And I said I'm going to go the other way. I'm making mistake. My second ex wife was 20, blonde, college student, never lived away from home. And so I big timed her. I paid off her student loans, I got her truck and you know, the stuff you do get people to love you. And of course that didn't work out either, so. But I remember, I definitely remember being in love with her. I'm grateful for the kids, you know, above all, I don't like the stuff she does to the kids. But you know, that was, you know, and I think maybe the relationship changed a little bit. I think that she realized she wasn't going to get her abundance for me because I didn't have abundance, you know, And I think she thought, oh, that guy Was, he's super rich, you know. But I don't know. It was weird. Now I think about it, she didn't like me hanging out with my women friends or their families.

[B]

She was jealous.

[C]

Yes. And she also had like family resentments against a lot of people that I knew. And you know, she didn't go to my shows or. Which is fine. Who, who would do that? You know, like stay home and. But she was cruel and I thought I deserve that because, you know, I've got three ex wives. I got something's wrong. And I absolutely remember being in love with her. There wasn't like a spark. I'm sure she would agree, like a physical bark. And I thought maybe I, I just thought it, that it sex and she is it. We have that in covet, you know, so, you know, that's, that's what it was. Yeah.

[B]

Out of all four of your wives, which proposal was the best?

[C]

Well, Roseanne, my first ex wife, I met when I was 23 where I lived in the Midwest. The comedy club owner said, I saw a woman in Denver performing and this before she was famous and she's amazing and you're going to hit it off. She's coming in next week. I want you guys to do the show. So she comes in. She is amazing. She was such a great comedian and she talked about feminism. I just worked at a beat packing plan. So she stood up to the audience and she liked me because I was stand up for her. And men already know we're good looking, but if you tell a man we're funny, you got us forever. So we were rutted buddies. We didn't have a car. Liz Whitsted was a mc. She created the Daily Show. And as we said, can we borrow your car? She's like, yeah, I need it back. We never brought it back. We went out parties so hard and then she'd go back. She had a family, which I really loved. And then every three months we'd go on the road together and party hard. And so she was fun. She, you know, made me feel good. I knew she was great. And so when I moved out to write her show, she's like, I want you to write my TV show. First of all, she said, I want you to play my husband on my TV show. And I'm like, okay, I haven't done much acting but I will write because I'd always written jokes for her. So we get out there and she comes to my house, said, wait, do you do this every day? Drinking booze? I go, yeah, yeah. She. She goes, I. I only thought you did it when we were together. I know. I. Every day, basically. She goes, that's bad. I go, is it okay? All right. And I knew at that moment I would never do it in front of her. I didn't think about stopping. I was like, I gotta hide this.

[B]

Oh, man.

[C]

So she really helped me get. I would not be alive today if it weren't for her. I had to have something that I was going to lose. And I got fired for the roseanne show. And you have to f up a lot to get fired from your fiance show. So I'm like this, okay, everybody, I got this. It's on me. I'm taking myself to rehab. Got to get it together. And I had no intention of getting it together. I just want people to like me. Entertainment tonight. Say something nice. Get my job, my fiance back. And then about my eighth day rehab, the. The therapist, like, have you ever considered getting sober for yourself? And I'm like, no. How would I do that? He's like, well, you got to love yourself, tom. There you go. That's impossible. But I have a picture of myself when I was 4. And again, you see documentary series. Not an ideal childhood. And I was like, this is me, this kid. I love this kid. I'm gonna do it for him. Nobody's looking out for him. So I stayed on that, which is great. Call her a couple weeks later. I said, I love you, Appreciate you completely understand why we're not getting married. Completely. Or stay alone. So I said, I love you. I appreciate. Completely understand why we're not getting married. I completely understand why I'm not working on the show. Mama, stay here and do this for myself. And she went, oh, we're getting married. And I remember, my brain went, if I don't. I could have manipulated her by just saying the words I just said, not feeling them say. I would have just done that. But it was. It was too late. I'd really started working on yourself. Yeah.

[B]

How did you propose to her?

[C]

Well, we talked about it a lot. And so there's a guy that makes wedding rings in iowa, where I'm from. And so we went. We saw him somewhere. We went. I go, I think she wants a canary yellow. You want a canary yellow thing, so make it before we leave. And it. I'm sure it was very messy, the proposal, and. But she really, definitely wanted to get married, and so did I. So, you know, you try to do the thing on one knee, but, you know, you're also somewhere where you're all up and a lot of food on her shirts and. But it was great. I. I felt the sooner we do this, the better. Because people out in Hollywood were like to her, you cannot be that guy. You can't do it. And she was like, I'm gonna do it. So two days after I got out of rehab, we'd had this elaborate wedding plan at the Coconut Grove, which is a legendary Hollywood place. The last event gonna have there like a billion and a half dollar. And then when I went to rehab, that was off. But then when she came and got me, she said, tomorrow there's a judge come to the house and we're getting married, and you be the kids and you. And so I was very grateful, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But she. Sorry, She's. It's a woman now. Therapy. Did a lot of therapy with her. And she had. I'm not talking out of school, but she had multiple personality disorder. You know, I'm. I'm an addict, alcoholic. And she had 27 different personalities. I seen it. It was real. And only two of them liked me. That's a fact. And so we went to Johns Hopkins all over the country working on it. The. The crappiest thing a therapist ever said was they were chit chatting. He goes, you're the one. It's you with the multiple personality you. I was so furious. But she's read about it a lot. So my mistake. I said, I gotta be there for her. She was there for me. Whatever it takes. So there I come home, the teenage. The angry teenager, Roseanne would answer the door, and I go, whoa, where's Cindy? Is Sydney in there? Cindy's four years old. Very sweet, really love me. And you're not supposed to do that. Not supposed to call out the altars. But then Cindy said, I want to go to ballet class. I'm like, all right, we're gonna go to ballet class. I get her the Pink Tutu. She's 40 years old. I take her down there, and she's dancing with the other girls. And it was weird because I thought people would be like, what the hell? But they weren't like, okay, yeah. So she did the best she could. I did the best I could. And then we were married four and a half years, but it was like 45, you know, a lot of very fun stuff, a lot of gratitude. But I think I was also the guy between her first husband and her third husband.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Which I had no problem being. Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Well, I could talk to you all day. We're running out of Time.

[C]

Yeah. If I talk too much.

[B]

No. What do you mean? You're on my podcast.

[C]

Oh, yeah, I know, but some people have podcasts where they want you to listen to them talk about themselves.

[B]

Oh, no. I wanted to learn about you.

[C]

Yeah. Do you have mental illness or anything you could pinpoint?

[B]

No, I'm just pregnant.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm so excited about your pregnancy. Or you have the baby here in

[B]

Austin or at the studio?

[C]

We. I do it in the studio. Do people know that you have a C section I don't want to mention?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Listen to me. Your husband. Here's what's going to happen. You get them. Get in there. A lot of men are like, I can't watch that. It's too gross. They make a circle on your belly.

[B]

Oh, please. I can't.

[C]

No. But before they cut you, and as a man, you say, that's where my baby is. This isn't gross. They're not hurting my wife. And so. But you're ready. I grew up on a farm. Delivered a lot of cattle and horses. But you're there as a husband, and first one was smooth. I said, second one, I watch it because, you know, you don't feel a thing. You're in this guillotine kind of thing. And all of a sudden, I see the doctor look over the side, and a nurse comes running up, puts her knees on, and the baby had. Got mixed up and stuff. But let me say this. Your husband's ready to go. He's ready to protect you, help you. You know, you have great doctors. But he'll. He'll go.

[B]

Oh, I know. No, he has to go. He doesn't have a choice.

[C]

No, but he'll go. If something goes sideways. He will.

[B]

Oh, no, he's down. He's down for the count. He's proving it. But, yeah, I'm gonna have it here in Austin.

[C]

That's exciting. And, you know, if it's a boy or a girl.

[B]

It is a boy. My first one is a boy. So they're gonna be two little brothers. They're going to be 17 months apart.

[C]

Oh, geez.

[B]

So I'm going to have the two under two for a while.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, they'll be, you know, older brother, younger brother. Yeah, dynamic. They'll. They'll, you know, it's going to be

[B]

like the WWE for a while.

[C]

Yeah, we love.

[B]

We love the wwe.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So, yeah, we'll see. We'll see how it goes. I'm excited and I'm nervous at the same time.

[C]

Yeah. And were you Excited. Nervous. The first time.

[B]

Yes. I would say that I'm more excited and less nervous. So the first time I was more nervous than excited. This time around, I'm like, more excited than nervous.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I have all the tips and tricks and I kind of know.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What I'm gonna do.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

The part, the only thing that makes me nervous is that I've never had two before.

[C]

Right.

[B]

So I'm kind of like, okay, how am I going to juggle this?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm going to figure it out.

[C]

You could do it.

[B]

I just want to say, not the first time.

[C]

Lastly, to your husband, change every diaper, take every night shift. Do all that stuff to my husband. Yeah. For to take care of his baby. Because, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger told me, his first child, he'd go to change the diaper and the women go, get out. You don't know what you're doing. And so his next kid, he's like, screw that. I'm going to change every diaper. And he's closer to the next kid.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Because a lot of it are like, well, they're seven. They'll be fun. But it's so satisfying. And they know, they feel it. You know, you loved by two people, you know, Dad's hands on, and you, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's enjoyable, too.

[B]

Yeah. I, I, I've never seen a grown man almost pass out from seeing poop before.

[C]

Oh, God.

[B]

But that is.

[C]

He would, he does not want to come to my hotel room. Baby poop.

[B]

Yeah. Just. That's like, for him, it's like one of the hardest things to see. I don't mind.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

For some reason, I'm like, I don't know why this bothers you so much. Just some poop.

[C]

Yeah. Well, you got weird stuff, too, I'm sure, about. C section, like. But, you know, you get over that. I grew up on a farm. I've seen a lot of poop, but that's the real deal. It's like steaks or something.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So you got to work through that with him.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, and he does a lot.

[B]

There's just. I can tell there's some stuff that he's not down for.

[C]

Yeah. But that's it, you know, that's his baby. Yeah. Gotta do what you. They're so cute. We'll be cleaning up his poop one day.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Full circle, like I did with my dad.

[B]

And I'm gonna tell him to pass out. I'm gonna be like, pretend like you're Barfing and then pretend to pass out and tell dad to clean himself.

[C]

Yeah, well, I'm sure he's a very macho, very tough guy.

[B]

He's great.

[C]

But people do have. Yeah, people have something.

[B]

Yeah. Well, where can people find you?

[C]

I'm here and delivering babies all week. Tom arnold comedy.com. you listen to the tour ticket lakes. And then I forget what movie I did. I put in these movies in between. I think there's something called Nickels is about to come out pretty good. That's cool. So. Yeah, but come to the shows.

[B]

All right. Well, thank you for coming on my show.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I hope you have safe travels.

[C]

Yes, thank you very much. Very excited. I thought you're gonna try to fix me up with somebody. I go, does she know that I don't. You know?

[B]

No, I don't. I don't have anyone.

[C]

Yeah, well, I don't know. Please don't. I. You're very good interviewer because you. We covered a lot of stuff. You listened, you added stuff on, and you're very honest. I feel like you're holding back. You dogged your husband a little bit. You dogged yourself. I learned a little bit about relationships for you.

[B]

Oh, thank you. I hope you come back when you come back through Austin.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

We'll dive in deeper.

[C]

Yeah, let's do.

[B]

Thank you guys for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First Date, a. Can't wait. You told your mom about me? Just say you're ready. Delete my number. First Date, your parents are your roommate.

[C]

First date.