I Refuse To Live With My Wife w/ Ian Edwards | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton
Episode: I Refuse To Live With My Wife w/ Ian Edwards
Date: December 2, 2025
Host: Lauren Compton
Guest: Ian Edwards

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Episode Overview

This episode of "First Date" features comedian Ian Edwards joining Lauren Compton for a funny, honest, and wide-ranging conversation on the struggles and quirks of dating, relationship red flags, personal quirks, and the choices that keep Ian happily single and independent. They dig into topics like veganism, addictions, the dating scene for comedians, the hilarity of being misunderstood in public, and why Ian passionately refuses to live with a potential spouse. The vibe is candid, goofy, and insightful, punctuated by memorable personal stories and playful banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Ian’s Hotel Incident and Perception in Public

• Ian recounts being mistaken for a delivery guy at his hotel due to his casual attire, sparking a funny conversation on public perception and stereotypes.
  • Ian: “So what do I look like to people? That’s my thing. That’s the new thing.” (03:02)
• Lauren adds she often mistakes shoppers for employees, especially if they're wearing a red shirt or a lanyard.
  • Lauren: “Don’t wear a red shirt. You don’t work there.” (04:07)

2. Ian’s Love Life: Red Flags and Regrets

• Dating status: Ian is not in a committed relationship but occasionally dates someone who doesn't live in town.
  • Ian: “I wasn’t ready when they were ready...The window closed right on my fingers, you know?” (06:21)
• On missed chances, he admits running away from the possibility of a real relationship out of fear, only to regret it years later.

3. The Comedy of the Dating Scene

• On meeting people: Not on dating apps; mostly meets people organically, often at comedy clubs, but wants to avoid dating other comedians.
• Dating philosophy:
  • Ian: “If the date goes well, it goes well. If it goes bad, it goes in the act. So I feel like I win either way.” (08:44)
• On commitment:
  • Ian: “I want to be in a monogamous relationship where I can see other people...But if you want me to verbally commit, you’re asking me to cheat.” (09:05)

4. Veganism, Food, and Social Life

• Ian is a vegan but not “a Nazi vegan”—he’ll enjoy sides at steakhouses and sometimes “cheats” with bread.
  • Ian: “It’s about community and it’s about fun. It’s about, you know, having a good time with people.” (11:22)
• Playful banter about whether Ian eats more meat or kisses more people.

5. Addictions & Guilty Pleasures

• Ian jokes his only real addiction is comedy—plus maybe porn and previously weed gummies during the pandemic.
• Lauren admits she’s addicted to online consignment shopping (Poshmark, The Real Real).

6. Pet Peeves in Dating

• Ian’s biggest: People who don’t like him, feeling controlled or not trusted, and sarcastic negativity.
  • Ian: “I just want everybody to relax and have a good time.” (23:39)
• Detests being micromanaged, such as being told directions when he’s already using GPS.

7. Living Situation, Marriage, and Independence

• Ian is adamant he’d never want to live with a spouse, even if he ever married. He references couples like Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter as inspiration for separate dwellings.
  • Ian: “If I got married, I would never live with my wife.” (28:43)
  • “The leading cause of divorce is living together.” (29:01)
• Comedic analogy: rotating through girlfriends by counting them relative to iPhone generations (29:21).

8. Relationship Longevity & Patterns

• Longest relationship was about two or three years, with a pattern of things ending at the two-year mark.
  • Ian: “My seven years comes in two years. In dog years I have a dog year seven-year itch.” (40:30)

9. Kids? No Thanks.

• Firmly against having kids, jokingly citing Michael Jordan’s “fuck them kids” quip.
  • Lauren: “Do you want kids?”
  • Ian: “No.”
  • “I think the ship has sailed for me and kids.” (40:41)
  • Ian: “Why do I want to have kids? It would be to take care of me later on...But I don’t know if they would pan out.” (41:56)

10. On Spirituality and Meditation

• Sometimes meditates, mostly around show dates:
  • “I have a good run...for like a month...then I’ll just forget for like six months.” (24:19)
• Both agree that calming down is hard and some people don’t need to be more chill if their energy is already positive.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On commitment:
  • “If you want me to verbally commit, you’re asking me to cheat.” — Ian Edwards (09:05)
• On relationship longevity:
  • “My seven years comes in two years. In dog years I have a dog year seven-year itch.” — Ian Edwards (40:30)
• On not living with a spouse:
  • “If I got married, I would never live with my wife.” — Ian Edwards (28:43)
• On perceptions:
  • “I always wear my red shirt to make it look like I work at a place.” — Ian Edwards (08:17)
• On kids:
  • “I think the ship has sailed for me and kids...fuck them kids.” — Ian Edwards (40:41, 42:59)
• On self-kindness:
  • “It’s about community, and it’s about fun.” — Ian Edwards (11:22)
• On his ideal first date:
  • “Some good fun conversations and some good ass laughs...I just want to live in laughter.” — Ian Edwards (38:43)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:28–05:16 — Hotel delivery guy story, public perception
• 05:16–07:28 — Ian’s current dating status and notable relationship regrets
• 07:28–09:32 — How comedians date, apps vs. in-person, the hardest part of dating
• 09:32–12:17 — Philosophy on monogamy, astrology, and veganism
• 15:10–16:29 — Peppermint vs. pumpkin spice, tea routines, and OCD quirks about tea
• 18:34–19:39 — Addictions: comedy, porn, weed gummies
• 20:01–21:13 — Lauren’s addiction to Poshmark and The Real Real; Ian teases her
• 22:01–23:47 — Ian’s dating pet peeves and quest for relaxation
• 28:43–35:15 — Refusing to live with a spouse, maintaining independence, and keeping relationships interesting
• 36:36–38:49 — Longest relationships, stage persona vs. real-life persona
• 40:30–42:59 — The two-year itch, kids, and Michael Jordan’s “fuck them kids” philosophy

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Final Thoughts & Outro

This episode delivers an honest, irreverent, and theory-heavy peek into why Ian Edwards stays single, how he navigates the modern dating world, and why he champions independence over convention. Laughs abound, but real wisdom sneaks through—especially about knowing yourself, what makes you happy, and not being afraid to buck the norm for love, for life, or for a good vegan side at a steakhouse.

Where to Find Ian:

• Instagram: @IanEdwardsComic
• YouTube: Ian Edwards Stand Up
• Special: "Untitled" on YouTube

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Summary compiled for listeners who want every essential topic, timestamp, and memorable line—the episode, as funny and insightful as if you’d been there on the date yourself.

Transcript

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. What's up, you guys? Welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a longtime friend of mine. We go way back. He is a super funny comedian. I've even gotten open for him. What a. You can also check out his new special on YouTube now. It's called Untitled. Give it up for Ian Edwards.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

We got people clapping and everything. That's dope, man.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I'm so glad you're here. I've been wanting to get you on my show forever.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I know. Compton. I remember when you told me about the show before it even existed. Mm. And, yeah, we were doing a show at. I forgot where.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Creek.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

The creek. Yeah. Yeah. And you told me that was gonna happen. That was gonna happen. And it's. It's happening.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Here we are.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Here we are. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So has anything new happened?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Just anything new in general? I'm still alive. We.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Congrats.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's cool. We ain't got no air traffic controllers, so I tried to take the first. Well, I just landed, right? And let me. Let me ask you a question. What do I look like to you? What? I know it's a. You know, what are you trying to do right now? No, this is why I asked the question, because. So I'm checking into the hotel, right? And I have my knapsack on me.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay. What's a knapsack?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

It's like a Tumi bag, but it's a traveling Tumi bag.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And I'm dressed the way I'm dressed. This is.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You look like you came from the gym, right?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

But that's. That's. So I look like. To you, I look like I came to the gym. To the gym.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You look fit.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Thank you. I'll take that. But to the guy at the entrance to the hotel, right?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

He sees me coming. He's on the phone, and he doesn't even say, hey, give me a second. I'm on the phone. He's like. And I just wait patiently and Then he hangs up. He said, delivery.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

He thought you were for ups. Like, what'd you give him? Did you give him anything? You should have given him something. You should have been like, yeah, here's my luggage.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. He didn't deserve anything. He didn't deserve anything. Dang. So I'm like, so what do I look like to people? That's my thing. That's the new thing. That's.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I wouldn't have pegged you for an Amazon driver.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Me neither. You know what I'm saying?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I mean, they always have tattoos.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Exactly. I ain't got no tats showing.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You know, you look.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You're like, put together.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Thank you.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You match.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Right? But for some, like, this happens in restaurants, too. Like, I'll go to, like, get a seat there and order, and I'm not. I don't always wear this. It just don't matter what I wear. And whenever I get there, they're like, pick up, like, Uber Eats. They think I'm an Uber Eats driver.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Dang.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Or, you know, just one of the other ones. I don't know what it is.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Well, you know, I have a special gift for asking people in grocery stores where things are and no one ever works there. I always ask people. I'm like, do you know where the chip aisle is? And they're like. And they like, look at all the numbers. And I'm like, oh, you don't work here. You're just wearing a red shirt that looks like everybody else's red shirt that works here.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's on them for wearing the red shirt.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Don't wear a red shirt. You don't work there.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Shirts at these. At any Target or any places.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Also, if you have a lanyard around your neck, I'm asking you questions about aisles. Don't do that to me.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's hilarious. He's like, don't do that to me.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Don't do it to me.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I didn't even have my lanyard on. This guy's like, you know, they think I'm a pickup guy. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know what it is.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What a letdown for that guy. He thought you were delivering something special. He was probably waiting on a package.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I know. He's so. But I did, like, the look on his face when I said, I'm checking in.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And he's. Oh.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

He goes, oh.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Which made it even worse. Like, the twitch, the surprise to act. Treat me human.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

It was like, oh, so you. So you. So you weren't gonna treat me human.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

She's Staying here?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. You're staying here. So you treat delivery people like shit? Yeah, I'm staying here. You're gonna be seeing me now. I'm taking extra trips down to the lobby just to see him to prove that I'm staying here.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That's so he doesn't forget.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

So he doesn't. That's so he. Just to rub it in his face like, I'm here, motherfucker.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That's so funny. Are you dating anybody now?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Define dating.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Does anyone out there think you are their boyfriend?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Shit. She might have booked me on this to find out. Is this. Nah, nobody. Nobody.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

When was the last time you kissed someone?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yesterday.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Who'd you kiss?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Somebody that I date occasionally. They don't live in town, but they don't. We're not a couple, you know.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

How long have you been kissing this person?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

A few times a year.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Is it your mom? Like, how.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Because they don't live in town, but they came in town, like, yesterday to see you to do something else. But we ended up hooking up and kissing. Yeah. Yeah, but we're not, like, a couple.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Is there anyone that you like enough to be a couple?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, but they're. That. That ship sailed. I blew that.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

How'd you blow it?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I wasn't ready when they were ready.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh, dang. You know what I mean?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

The windows closed right on my fingers, you know?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Did you try to go back?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It didn't work out.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What happened?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I didn't even try to go back. She just told me she had a boyfriend.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That was fast. Well, how long did you wait?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

This is. This is. This was like. This is somebody I'm talking about from, like, maybe five years ago. That's the last person. Like, I was like, you know what? This could be the. As a matter of fact, I knew it was a person, and because I knew it was a person, I went in the opposite direction.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It scared you?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. That's how gangsta I am.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Just ran away?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

And then. So did you wait five years to go back?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah, I didn't. Oh, four.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You waited four years to go back? And then she was like, I've got a boyfriend.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

No, but it was done. We both were moving in different, direct. Like, we were both just friends at that point, and we're still friends, but. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So when. How do you meet people?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Dating apps?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

No, I'm not on the apps. Like, I'm. I'm a comic, so I'm in the club. So Sometimes you can meet people there, but sometimes it's like you don't want to date a female comic. But sometimes that's the only. Those are the only people. Like, you know. So I'm trying to avoid that. So I feel like, how do I meet people? Like, just if I'm somewhere and the vibe is right and it feels like this person wants to talk and I want to talk to them, then I'll start saying some stuff or they'll start, like, being in the vicinity. I always wear my red shirt to make it look like I wore a place.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

This is how you attract people to talk to you. What a great idea.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I hang out at Target. When people ask me questions. I said, listen, sir, I don't have time for your questions now, ma'.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Am.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

What's up?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What you need? That's great. What do you think is the hardest part about dating?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Here's the thing. None. Nothing. It looks like it sounds like a weird. I'm a comic, right?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

So if the date goes well, it goes well. If it goes bad, it goes in the act. So I feel like I win either way.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That's awesome.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You know what I mean?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What do you want?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

What do I want?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you want a girlfriend? Do you want something serious?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I want to be in a monogamous relationship where I can see other people. You feel me? Like, I want to date someone, and I only date them. But if I wanted to see somebody else, I could see somebody else. But because I know I could see somebody else, I wouldn't see anybody else. But if you want, like, me to verbally commit, you're asking me to cheat.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yikes.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You're not even asking me to cheat. You're asking me to break up. And it's not my fault I'm an Aquarius. What? Or if women can use Mercury in retrograde.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What day's your birthday?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

February 16th.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

My son is the 17th.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Oh, see?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Shit.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

He's gonna be single for life. He's gonna be single for life. My dog. Tell her. I hang out with him. My dog.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You're gonna love him. Y' all are gonna click.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, we're gonna cl. Wow.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

But you're vegan, right?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I'm vegan.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

How's that going?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I'm just laughing at the way you ask.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It seems so hard.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah, I mean, what do you eat? Like, let me see. Food.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Ian, what have you eaten today? What have you eaten today?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

To be honest, haven't eaten anything today.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Because there's nothing to fucking eat.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

No, I just got off a Flight. And I came right here.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah, I just.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I had toothpaste, I brushed my teeth, and I came here out of respect for you. I stopped at the hotel, brushed my teeth and came here, dropped off a.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Delivery and you came here?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I dropped off the delivery. Yeah. So later on when I get out of here, I'm gonna put on my red shirt, eat free at Target.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So when you go on dates, is it ever weird at dinner?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah, because none of my friends are vegan, you know, so listen, some of the best steakhouses have the greatest sides.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

They do.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

So, you know, I've eaten that cut boa just anywhere I've been. Fogo de Chow. Just with Fogo to chow. Yeah. So listen, I'm not a Nazi vegan. I'll even cheat a little bit. I have some bread. You know, like, it's about community and it's about fun. It's about, you know, having a good time with people. So, you know. Yeah. And that helps you live just as much as food.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Wow.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What do you do, kiss more people or eat more meat?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I mean, if I'm kissing meat eaters, it's the same. It's pretty even. Yeah. And I date meat eaters.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What is your favorite kind of meat to eat? When you eat meat, I need to know.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

But I don't eat meat.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I know, but you just said that you cheat a little bit.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

But, like, in the dairy department, like, maybe, like, if they. Is there some bread at the table?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And maybe it was made with, like, I don't know. Are eggs in bread? I don't know.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Are they?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I think so.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I think so.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. So maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe I haven't cheated. So I use some.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

There's eggs in. Yeah, like pumpkin bread. You use eggs.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I haven't had pumpkin bread in a minute.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Damn, it's fall. It's fall. You need to eat some pumpkin bread. You know, I love to talk about dating and relationships, but sometimes the relationship that's the hardest to navigate is the one with yourself. And seeking healthcare, especially when it comes to weight loss, isn't just about how you look. So many people wanna help but feel stuck because insurance can be a nightmare. From the fine print to finding out what's actually covered, it can feel easier to just give up. That's why I can't wait to tell you about ro. With their free insurance checker, RO makes it ridiculously simple to see if you're covered for GLP1 medications. All you have to do is submit your insurance card and RO takes care of the rest. After that, you'll receive a comprehensive report of your coverage so you can make an informed decision about what's right for you. Over 1 million people have already trusted Roe to check their coverage for free. Go to Roe Co FirstDate for your free insurance check. That's Ro Co FirstDate to see if your insurance covers GLP1 for free. Go to Roe Co Safety for boxed warnings and full safety information about GLP1 medications.

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[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You know what I just realized the other day? So you're white. It's fall. It's pumpkin spice time.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I'm all about it, but I just.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Realized, like, peppermint is black people's pumpkin spice.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Is it really?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You know, I don't remember the last time I had something peppermint exactly.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Cause you're white. Wow.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you eat peppermint a lot?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I think it was a popular candy around the holiday time in, like, most of the black homes that I knew.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I mean, I'll suck the stripes off a candy cane.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

All right, all right.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I can get down with some peppermint. Especially, like, the big long ones, you know, the ones that look like the police batons.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, yeah, those are fun either way.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Those are real fun to eat.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, that's hilarious.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I can go down.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I can get.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Go down on one.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You should do a candy cane Christmas episode where you.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

No, Ian, I shouldn't.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

All right, you should, you shouldn't.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I just, you know, I should. I can sell it exclusively on some naughty website, I'm sure. Yeah, make an extra 30 grand real quick.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, right. Quick. It's funny that, you know, the amount that you can make.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I'm good with how much I can make. I know. I know.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Either you're a mathematician. You know your potential. All right, that's cool. You know, And I believe in your potential. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not here to shoot it down.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah, we need to exploit it. What are you drinking?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Tea.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Is it peppermint?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

No, it's not peppermint.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Well, damn.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

It's Emperor's Cloud.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you drink caffeine through green tea? Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. I didn't know what Emperor's Cloud was. How am I supposed to know? That.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I don't know. Listen, I just assumed everybody. It's Teavana. But you get it from Starbucks. I might have said giving them a free ad now, but you just get it from Starbucks.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So you go to Starbucks and you put it in your little canister.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

God, that is so la.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

But you know what? Let me explain it a little bit.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

So I'm a little. Let me see. Is it ocd?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Mm. You can be ocd.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. So I'm a little ocd. So sometimes they'll be on the register. They take your order with the register, they take your money. Then they go to make the tea. Right? So then they get the plastic cup, which is full of, like, BPAs. BPAs. Right. So I got the canister. Then I'd be like, teabags on the side. Because I don't want your register hands touching the tea bag, touching the teabag and putting it in the. So just give me the. Put the hot water in there, give me the teabags, and I'll do everything.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

They thought that the Sarah Jessica Parker's coming in, ordering coffee with, like, 15 different ways to make their mocha was bad.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

What? I'm the easiest customer. Like, I was like, give me hot water and the teabags. Don't put anything in the tea bags.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

But don't touch the tea bag.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Just. Just. You just. They give me the teabag in packets.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh, so you do your own teabags?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yes, I do my own teabags. They give it to me in the package.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Are they tipping you too?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

They should be.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

They should be.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

They should be.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You're doing the work.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. And when you order like that, they just. The person who takes your order just gives it to you right away. So there's no, like, waiting for, like, there's no going to the end of the counter and wait.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Right.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And sometimes there'll be that one Starbucks that'll be like, go to the end of the counter and wait. I'm like, motherfucker, just make the fucking thing. Yeah, like everybody else does, but.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So you don't drink coffee?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah, I stopped.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

How long ago did you give coffee up?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yes, I used to drink that shit every night to go to sleep.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Why did you. Why'd you stop sleeping?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah, I could sleep easily. You said, why did I stop sleeping?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

But you used to drink it to go to sleep.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah. Coffee was like. I used to, like, put, like, lots of sugar in there and milk in there and cream it. Like, I used to, like, do it. I always do hazelnut. Hazelnut. And I used to, like. I just. It's like hot ice cream. It's so fun. Yeah. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

And now you just drink green tea. You don't eat meat?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah, no meat.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What are your addictions?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

What are my addictions? I'll tell you one thing. I was listening to your last podcast, and Langston said, like, at his wedding, they had a bunch of molly, and I was like, why didn't I get invited to that wedding? Like, I know this fucking guy.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You should take it up with him.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

So I should have, you know, I just saw him before he left. I should have brought that up with him. Yeah, but my addictions, or like, you.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Know, something you like to do that's naughty.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I might watch porn too much, maybe.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay, yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Might watch porn too much. What else? I gotta think saying comedy is corny, but it is.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

But you can be addicted to that.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I'm kind of addicted to that.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you drink alcohol?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you smoke cigarettes?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you vape?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you smoke weed?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I do gummies, and I did too much of that during the pandemic. I was overboard on that. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So you're, like, generally pretty healthy.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I'm trying to be like, you're gonna.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Live to, like, 200, like that one guy.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Well, I'm already 105, so I'm almost there.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

More than halfway there.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know. They said addictions. What's your addictions.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Man? What are my. Oh, consignment stores.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Consignment stores.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I am full blown. Poshmark. The real, real, like, these consignment stores that sell luxury items at a discount. I have a serious addiction where I know when they post new items and I will go on the app right when they post them, and I'm constantly looking at the new things.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Serious question. What's Poshmark?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Poshmark is a consignment store online. It's like on an app. So, like, you could sell fancy shoes or, like, your delivery service jacket.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Hilarious.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

And people could go on that are looking for that, and they can buy it from you, and you can negotiate with people on Poshmark, you can, like, message someone or you can, like, make an offer. So if someone is selling their jacket for $200, you can offer 150, and sometimes they'll take it or they'll counter your offer.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Sounds like ebay.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah, it's like. It's just like, ebay.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

So it's ebay for women.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah. And even men.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And even men.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It's men and women. And so all These consignment stores, like, the real real is another one that sells like, super luxury goods.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

The real real.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

The real real. And it's like Chanel purses and really expensive shoes and fur coats and like, stuff like that, which I know that just made your stomach squirm.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

People think I care about animals because I'm beautiful. Is this misconception? I care about animals?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I don't not care about them. But like, the other day we was at a show in Miami and this woman mentioned meat and she's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, what are you, what are you. I just met you. Like, relax. Like, all my friends eat meat. Yeah, like Joe Rogan hunts it. Like, what are you talking about? Like, I don't know. People just, you know, I used to eat meat.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What is your biggest pet peeve in dating?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

My biggest pet peeve in dating?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah. When you meet someone and you're like.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Number one, that they don't like me, that's number one.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That's a big one.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

It's a big pet peeve, you know? But nah, I guess my biggest pet peeve is I just want to be free. You know what I'm saying? Like, I want to, I wanna, I'm gonna respect you. I want to trust that I'm gonna respect you. And then I don't like somebody that's like, sarcastic for no reason, that kind of just as a joke tries to put you down.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh, yeah, like being like, mean as a way of putting you down. As a way of comedy.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Like, yeah, but it doesn't make any sense. Like, didn't I tell you that? Like, I try to figure out an example of somebody who annoys me and I just can't think of, like, something that I was just around them recently and I was like, oh, this person. I'm not gonna see this person anymore. But they were just like, I'm trying to figure out, like, just relax. I just want everybody to relax and have a good time. Don't tell me. One time I took a girl, I wanted to pick this girl up at her house and we went on a cool ass date. On the way back to her house, she's telling me how to get to her house. I'm like, hey, I got to your house earlier to pick you up. Just, just, just relax. Let's just get there. I didn't forget. Or the person that tells you the directions over the gps. So now I got the GPS yelling at me.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh, yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And I got, it's like, just everybody Just relax. I just want everybody just relax and trust that everything will be all right. We're gonna be fine.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah. Are you spiritual?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you. Do you have any practices that you do? Like, do you like to meditate or anything?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I go in and out of meditating, like, sometimes. I'll probably meditate this weekend because I got shows. Like, when I have shows, it makes me, like, want to lock in and meditate. So I remember then. But a lot of times, like, I have a good run of, like, a month. Like, I'll have a good duolingo streak of meditating for, like, 30 days.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And then. Then I'll just, like, forget for, like, six months.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Well, it's exhausting. Meditating to me is exhausting. Yoga is exhausting. Anything that you have to, like, calm down is so hard. Have you. Like, when someone's, like, tells me that they want to go do vinyasa, like, my jaw tightens up. Like, I, like, I can't. I, like, don't. I won't reply.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You won't reply?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I won't reply. I'll be like, I forgot. I thought I hit reply. You know?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Hilarious. How many vinyasa type people are you around?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

None.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Oh, good.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

None now.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. I can't remember the last person that said vinyasa to me.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah. Cause when you. Cause it's annoying. I hate. I just. I. Calming down is hard.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Calming down is hard.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It's hard.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I don't think you need to calm down. Like, like, some people. Everybody ain't made to calm down. Like, like, I've hung out with you and had fun, and I wouldn't. I wouldn't consider your energy an unrelaxing energy. You know what I mean?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah. I don't think I'm high strung.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a fun energy to be around. So I don't think anybody needs. You know, but it's the. And everything is natural. Nothing's put on. It's just some good, fun energy.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Thank you.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And a part of me saying everybody just needs to relax is like, everybody just needs to just have some fun. You know what I mean?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I agree.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I agree. People can get too serious sometimes.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, yeah. People get serious.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah, Yeah. I get serious when I ask someone to do something and then they don't do it for, like, a long time.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

How long?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Like, my husband brought home a duck from one of his restaurants, and we were gonna eat it last week, and it is still in the fridge.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

He forgot to kill it.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

No, it's Dead.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

It's still in the fridge. He didn't kill it.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It's duck breasts. And I'm sure it was gonna be like, great and we should have eaten it, but it was in the fridge for over a week and it started to smell.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Oh, shit.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

And so I would ask him like, hey, can you please throw the duck out? And I had to ask him for like three days.

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[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Man that I used to be. I go down the stairs sideways. Go ahead. You in a rush.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Go around.

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[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

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[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

And you didn't throw the duck out. So then I put the duck in the trash can and I just waited for it to start smelling and that was my passive aggressive way.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's worse than it stinking in the fridge.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I know, I know. This is like my. I just, I can't. And then it would have been so easy for me to just go throw the duck out. But I asked him to throw the duck out. So all I wanted him to do was throw the damn duck out.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

He's a guy. Did he even smell the ducks thinking of the trash?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

No, he didn't even walk through the kitchen.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Exactly. So then that's on.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So then it's on me and I'm walking through the kitchen going, ugh.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You should have, like, had like a bunch of rose petals at the front door leading into the kitchen to the dark kitchen. I got something romantic with a note at the door. I got something very romantic for you.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I'm gonna start doing that.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You're welcome.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I'm put rose petals down to the changing station so he changes diapers. Oh, Ian, you're a genius.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I got you. I got you.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Wow, I can't believe you're not married. Do you want to get married?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Uh, not married.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yikes.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

But listen, like, if I got married, I would never live with my wife.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay. Tim Burton.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

What?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You know, he doesn't live with his wife. Him and Helena Boham Carter.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And they still together?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

No, I think they. They broke up. But they had houses next door to each other.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I'm down for that.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

But it didn't work for them.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

But how many people that live together? The leading course of divorce is living together. You know what I'm saying? No, like, yeah, it is. And I'm not saying not everybody gets divorced, but I feel like I remember one, like, three girlfriends ago. Right?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I like how that's how you calculate.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, that's how I calculate. Three girlfriends ago, two iPhones ago. You know what I'm saying?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Back when. IPhone 14.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, back in iPhone 14 days. This probably was around 14. IPhone 14. Like, I had a girlfriend, I used to spend the night sometimes at her crib. And. But. And this was in la. But when we. When I went over there, we didn't waste time. Like, we went over there to either watch something, to cook, to go somewhere else. It was like real dates, you know, There was nothing any. Like, oh, I just woke up with you so I don't have to do shit. Like, this is just a normal day. Like, it was like. And we'd been together like two years plus.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Was this the girl?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

No, this is not that girl. That girl was three girl, three girls ago.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay. And this one was five girls ago.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

It was five girls ago.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, yeah. But it was just we would do stuff. But I feel like I have a fear. If you live with someone and you see them wake up and then your life just becomes this roommate routine and there's nothing special. And then, like, I have friends. I've known them for a long time, but sometimes I'm like, we talked about everything. You know, we're repeating stories. Like, I feel like this friendship is over, you know, I want to have, like, some shit to report.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You gotta keep things interesting, like how.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

But that's what I'm trying to do.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Watch shit they don't wanna watch.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's what you do?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yes.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Do you pretend to wanna watch it?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

No, I watch shit he doesn't wanna watch. And then that enables him to have his free time. He can play on his phone, he can read Twitter, and then I'll watch my period pieces.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Are you sitting together?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah, we're sitting together doing different things.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Why can't I just be in another.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Part of the house because I want him to, like. I want him to be there.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Why?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Cause if I want to, like, look over and tell him to order me something off of Doordash, I need him to be an arm's lengths away. Don't you know?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Apparently, I don't know.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That's how. And then you can eat together.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Right. I understand the eating together, but sitting down, doing two. Like, I've done that for work. Like, let's go to the coffee shop. Me and whoever I'm dating.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And you do your thing and I'll do my thing. But at home, it's like, if you're watching. I like to watch what the person. I want us to both like what we're watching.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What do you like to watch?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Just off the top of the dome. I would just say Game of Thrones right now. Okay.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You're, like, 10 years too late.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I mean, I've seen it, like, a bunch of times watching news. Plus, they got the new. They got the new one.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What new one? Oh, it's out.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

What's the House of Dragons.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It's out.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

The third season's out.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh, I've never. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Plus, and then.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh, I was thinking of the new Harry Potter. I think there's a Harry Potter TV show coming.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Oh, for real?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. I didn't fuck with the movies, so there's no way that there's an audible gasp.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh, I'm glitching.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, you are. It just wasn't my time. It just wasn't my thing. I'm not into wizardry.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay, that's fine. You don't have to be a wizard.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

And the wand was too, like, get a bit of wand.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

We don't need to talk about it.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

All right.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I'm just teasing. So you have to like someone's company so much that you don't want them to leave? You've never liked anyone's company so much.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yes. And I love that. And I was like, I can't wait to see you next time.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

And then you leave.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah. But then if you. If you constantly. It's the law of diminishing returns. If you love a meal and you just always have that meal all day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

You're not gonna like that meal as much as you did.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Not true. What if you put different lingerie on that meal?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I'm down with that.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That makes the meal last a little longer.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Right? Right.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What if you ate that meal in.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Different Places like at my house, and then at their house and then a.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Motel on the way to New York.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Fine.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What if you ate that meal in Italy?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Dope.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay, We've already extended our relationship to eating that meal for three months. And then when you get bored, you just take that meal somewhere else. You have a picnic.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

But that's. You're saying what I'm saying, but you're saying what I'm saying. You're literally saying what I'm saying. You're saying it is better to be other places and not be in the same place all the time with the person.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Right, right, right.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, but.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So you're not getting bored of the person.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I want to make. If I love you, I want to make sure I don't get bored at you. So I'm protecting you. I'm trying to make sure I'm never bored of you.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh, I see. So you feel like absence makes the heart grow fond.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I'm trying to stay married. I'm not trying to live together. My object. I'm trying. My object is to stay married, not live together. You feel me? Like, that's the end game. Till death do us part. Not live together. And then be like, I'm sick of you. I'm sick of you. I'm out. You feel me?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Well, you're on the road so much anyway, right? That I would imagine that even if you did have the same residence address.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Right.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You wouldn't be living together as long as I have known you. You've been traveling and touring all over the place.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Right? Right.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So you're not. I don't. I don't imagine you giving that up.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I mean, I was just writing on a show for, like, 20 weeks, so I was in LA. So there's. There's periods of time when I'm in LA for a minute or I'm just. I'm just home. So. Yeah. So I think about. Damn. Like, being in the same house with someone for 20 weeks might be.

[Commercial Narrator]

Have.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

When's the last time you were, like, really in love?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Last night. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You can be in love for a night.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah. That is true. You know what? That has happened before. It wasn't last night, but that has happened before.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You can be in love for a night.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I don't know how you are in love for a night if you're not doing drugs or drinking.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Right? I mean, like, listen, like Langston said.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What is the longest relationship you've ever been in?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Two years. And I did one, that was three. But it was on and off.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Right.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

How long ago was that?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Five girlfriends ago.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Um, when you do stand up, are there girls that hang back and want to meet you afterwards?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I feel like, just out of respect for myself, I'm gonna say yes, but I fuck shit up.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

How?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I don't know. I fuck shit up. Cause the way I talk on stage is not the way I talk off stage. So if you meet me offstage, you might meet. You might be attracted more to the person you meet on stage that you saw on stage. And then like when I get off stage, I'm like, really nice. And that edge is gone. Oh. You know what I mean?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

So it might be a little disappointing. And it's like, I need someone that can deal with that disappointment.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Do you have a type?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I like who likes me.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That's easy.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Which is easy. But I like a. Like I'm superficial for sure, 100%. But I just like a really nice, relaxed, fun, cool person, you know?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What's your idea of a perfect first date with someone?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Idea of a perfect first date. I pick them up. They don't tell me where to drive. I'm also, I don't want to generalize and pick a place. Like, I've learned to like, talk to the person before, see what they like and then see if there's something that they like that I like. And we can go there and it'd be cool to have like some food and drinks if that's included in, like what they like. And just some good fun conversations and some good ass laughs, you know what I mean?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Like, I get paid in laughter, so I just want to live in laughter, you know what I mean?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Are you an only child?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

No.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

How many siblings do you have?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I got one brother and two sisters. It's boy, girl, boy, girl.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Okay. Do you have a favorite? You don't have to answer that.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

No, I don't have a favorite. But that's a fucked up question to ask when the holiday is coming up. When is this coming? Is it coming out after Thanksgiving? Because Thanksgiving's a few weeks. I'll answer this after this. No, I'm just kidding. No, I don't have a favorite.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Where do they all live, close by?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Nah, they're. My sisters are on the east coast and my brother's in England.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Has anyone that you've ever dated met all of your family?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

How is that?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Six girlfriends ago?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Met your whole family?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. Yeah. She actually, she actually came with me to meet my family. For Christmas. And then when my family came to la, they met her, she met my nieces when they were little. We had a dope ass Christmas. Cause she just happened to, she was gonna be. And we flew out there together and we flew back. It was pretty dope. Yeah, my mom loved her.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

What happened?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I just.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

You fucked it up.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

The two year mark.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Oh man. Oh, is that a thing for you?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, I'm an Aquarius. I keep telling you. That's my mercury. That's my mercury in retrograde.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Man. I keep trying to block it out of my head.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, the two year mark is like I can't feel.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

But that's supposed to be like a seven year itch.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah, my seven years comes in two years. In dog years I have a dog year. Seven year itch.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

All right. Do you want kids?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

No.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Fuck em.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Yeah. I think the ship has sailed for me and kids.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

I think Michael Jordan's quote fuck them kids, Fuck them kids is like one of my all time times favorite.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's hilarious.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Them kids, them kids.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's hilarious.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

When he said that I was like.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Was he talking about his kids?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

He was in an interview and they were asking him about like kids in like what about like. And what do you have to say like to the kids? I don't remember what the interview question was but he was in an interview and he goes fuck them kids.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

That's a good funny ass answer.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It was so funny.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I like that answer. Yeah, because I think back then they were trying to make everybody role models. Athletes, 100% put like pressure on them to like somebody that just came out of poverty. Like they. Charles Barkley in Alabama, you're a role model. Just because I play basketball. He would say, and I'm, I have money, I'm a role. He said I'm not a role model.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

That's what he was. Yeah. And you know that he was like all the kids were looking up to Michael Jordan wanted to have his shoes. And they were all like Michael Jordan's the best. And then he comes out, fuck them kids. Great.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

It was the day after his father died. Hey, I'd say that too.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

So no kids. Does that scare you?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

See why do I want to have kids? Right? Why would I want to have kids? It would be to take care of me later on. So I have some built in caregivers, you know, But I don't know if they would pan out or wanna take care of me.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah, you're not guaranteed.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

There's no guarantee like this per. These people are gonna like come through in the end. Yeah. Which should put pressure on every parent to be a good parent.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Because they would want their kids to be like, you know what? This person took care of me.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Dual payback.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

So. Yeah, so payback. Like, maybe if I was Asian, I would want kids.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Why?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Because in some Asian societies, like, you have to take care of your elders. It's like, it's just the way it is. So, you know, but in our American society, that ain't always 100%. So fuck them kids.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Fuck their kids. That's so funny. Where can people find you?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Uh, Ian Edwardscomic on Instagram and Ian Edwards stand up on YouTube.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah. Watch his new special. I'm gonna go watch it too.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Yeah. I'm glad that you're out spreading the word about it now.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

I mean. I mean, yeah, I'm glad I had finally had the time to do that.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Well, thank you for coming on my show.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Thanks for having me on the show.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

It's great to see you.

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Great to see you too. You're amazing as usual.

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Thank you. We will see you guys soon. Thank you for watching another episode. Bye. First date, Baby, are you craz?

[Ian Edwards (comedian guest)]

Really?

[Host (possibly a female podcaster/interviewer)]

Drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First date I can't wait. You told your mom about me? Just say you're ready. Delete my number. First date, your parents are your roommate. First date.