I Was A SIDE-PIECE?! Deric Poston’s Wild Relationship Story | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton
Host: Lauren Compton
Episode: I Was A SIDE-PIECE?! Deric Poston’s Wild Relationship Story
Guest: Deric Poston
Date: November 11, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into comedian Deric Poston’s unique journey through love, relationships, marriage, parenthood, and self-growth, all filtered through the fun—and sometimes brutally honest—lens of Lauren Compton’s "first date" format. Deric shares wild tales of being a side-piece, the messy truth of starting out poor, and the joys and challenges of both comedy and family life. Throughout, both comedians riff on what makes relationships work (or not), revealing unexpected vulnerabilities with a humorous spin.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Meeting, Dating, and Marrying His Wife

• Deric recounts meeting his now-wife, a fellow comedian, by chance at a San Diego mall and later recognizing her at a comedy open mic.
  • “I moved in after three days of dating. Three days of dating. We moved in, locked in.” (01:00)
• Both were anti-dating-comics but clicked instantly; despite her initial “no,” she changed her mind and messaged him later via Facebook.
  • “That’s where old people go.” — Lauren, on using Facebook Messenger (02:41)
• Their first date was an epic adventure: Thai food (after a wrong-address mix-up), ice cream, a long walk, a movie, and hours together.
  • “I told [my best friend] that day, bro, I’m marrying that chick.” (03:20)
• Started out in tough financial circumstances, living in a living room with 7 roommates and only a sheet for privacy.

Married Life, Babies, and Partnership

• Deric and his wife have been together for 10 years but only married for 2, mostly due to early financial struggles.
  • “Poor. Well, when we moved in, ... the truth was I was homeless. ... I was couch surfing.” (03:50)
• The couple recently had their first child, a daughter, and Deric is visibly smitten.
  • “Look at that little angel, man. ... That’s my little girl right there. Shoshana.” (04:37)

Money & Family Planning

• The decision to have more kids is entirely financial for them; they refuse to downgrade their lifestyle for a bigger family.
  • “The moment the money goes up again, we'll do another. ... Our lifestyle cannot change.” (04:44)

Navigating Marriage: Pet Peeves and Dynamics

• Deric jokes about arguments: annoyance over "re-saying" the same thing, playful rivalry about who gets the final word, and his claim to being a beacon of good vibes.
  • “Let me just have some.” (06:25)
  • “These are the vibes... My wife gives 26 [out of 24/7].” (06:31)

Wild Relationship History: Side-Piece Tales

• Deric’s pre-marriage dating experience included being a side-piece for two years.
  • “I was the Mac and cheese on the side, you know what I'm saying?” (28:40)
  • Became emotionally involved, even suspecting he might be the father of the woman’s child—never confirmed.
  • Ended dramatically when he met his wife and realized what real connection felt like.
  • “That day, like, the next day, I hit up the other girl... I was like: yo, done. ... Blocked her numbers. ... Never talked to her ever again.” (31:57)

Personal Growth: Health, Sobriety & Comedy Life

• Major life changes: Deric gave up daily drinking (after 13 years), lost weight, adopted the carnivore diet, but still smokes weed daily.
  • “Haven’t had a drink in forever—two months. ... But I was drinking every day for 13 years.” (16:47)
• The couple’s ‘date nights’ are ‘date lunches’ due to both being comedians with evening gigs.
  • Favorite spot: Perla’s (Deric hilariously insists it's “La Perla’s,” leading to a playful debate). (13:58-14:31)

Parenting Real Talk

• Both Lauren and Deric have young kids (5 and 8 months old, respectively). They discuss breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and the contrast between maternal and paternal experiences.
  • Deric: “I sleep great. I sleep better. ... I’m a little dumpling...”
    Lauren: “You are so unlikable.” (10:17-10:23)

Sex, Intimacy, & Married Life After Kids

• Honest talk about the realities of sex postpartum (C-section vs. vaginal delivery), mismatched libidos, and quirks of married sex life.
  • Lauren: “He literally said it felt like fucking Buddha. ... You're gonna cheat on me!” (45:13)
  • Deric: “It's been slow, but you don't want to force it ... because you don't want to make your wife uncomfortable.” (46:03)

Views on Cheating & Marriage

• Lauren's primary wedding vow: Don’t cheat!
  • “All I need to do is make sure we don’t fuck other people.” (41:23)
  • Deric praises monogamy: “When you don’t cheat, it’s nice. ... When I see titties, I point them out... But when you're cheating, you gotta behave. ... I don't gotta ever behave.” (44:01-44:11)

Proposals & Weddings

• Deric describes proposing to his wife at Mount Bonnell, unaware it was the city’s top proposal spot.
  • “She knew right when I told her [to wear jeans], ‘this motherfucker's proposing.’” (33:22)
• Their wedding at her parent's house was a wild, fun, comic-filled event led by her brother, who has Down syndrome.
  • “The dancing started because her brother has Down Syndrome ... I’m talking about everybody is full on partying… best day of my life.” (34:19-35:08)

Vows – What Counts?

• Deric wrote his wedding vows the morning of and got deeply personal, recounting their growth together.
  • “That shit came out of me that day. ... Whoever says real things to anyone ever? For real, for real. Other than when somebody's dying.” (42:32)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On meeting his wife:
  “Bro, I'm in love, bro. ... I told him that day, bro, I'm marrying that chick.” — Deric (03:17, 03:20)

• On being broke and lucky:
  “I was homeless, pulling bitches, bro. I was fucking in the park.” — Deric (30:00)

• On long-term relationships and friendship:
  “I think you should be friends with your motherfucking partner ... But then again, my mom and dad been married 30 years and they opposites, so what the fuck do I know?” — Deric (36:10)

• On marriage vows:
  “All I need to do is make sure we don’t fuck other people.” — Lauren (41:23)

• On proposing at Mount Bonnell:
  “She knew right when I told her that.” — Deric (33:22)

• On quitting drinking:
  “Haven’t had a drink in forever—two months. ... But I was drinking every day for 13 years.” — Deric (16:47)

• On side-piece life:
  “I was the Mac and cheese on the side, you know what I'm saying? And I was happy to be it, too.” — Deric (28:40)

• On becoming a parent:
  “That's my little girl right there. Shoshana.” — Deric (04:37)

• On marriage vs. friendship:
  “Ew. ... Could you imagine being married to someone you don't talk to, like, about things?” — Lauren (36:42, 36:45)

• On postpartum sex:
  “It wasn't hard, but ... he literally said it felt like fucking Buddha. Crazy, right? Crazy.” — Lauren (45:13)

• On family planning:
  “The moment the money goes up again, we'll do another ... Our lifestyle cannot change.” — Deric (04:44)

• On getting canceled:
  “It’s impossible. ... I'm gay. I’m awesome. ... I’m him, bro. You can't cancel when you him and you gay and you married?” — Deric (27:35-27:49)

• On weddings:
  “Best wedding of all time, bro. ... the most turnt wedding of all time, bro. Cause it's all comics.” — Deric (34:07-35:03)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Meeting story & moving in together: 01:00–04:11
• First date details: 03:03–03:17
• Early years & struggle: 03:50–04:11
• Having their first child: 04:27–04:44
• Marriage, money, and kids philosophy: 04:44–05:20
• Pet peeves & relationship quirks: 05:28–07:21
• Being a side-piece & moving on: 28:38–31:58
• Proposal & wedding story: 32:12–35:03
• Wedding vows, meaning, and advice: 41:36–42:41
• Postpartum sex discussion: 44:33–48:34
• Parenting comedy & advice (baby sleep training hack): 49:17–51:00

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Tone & Language

• The episode has a playful, honest, and unfiltered comedic tone. Both Deric and Lauren lean heavily into candid personal stories, frequently roast themselves, and aren’t afraid to laugh at their past mistakes.
• Language is colloquial, irreverent, and peppered with explicit humor—keeping the conversation lively and relatable.
• Both hosts inject vulnerability beneath their comedy, offering genuine insight into what makes partnership, parenting, and personal growth work, especially for people in creative fields.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• Authentic relationships grow through adversity and fun, not just romance.
• Friendship is as essential as attraction in marriage.
• Openness and honesty—about money, sex, past mistakes, and daily annoyances—are at the heart of lasting connections.
• Comedians' lives, while larger than life on stage, are grounded in the same adulting struggles as everyone else—often more chaotic and funny, though.
• Don't be afraid to lead with your quirks. The right partner will love you for them (even if you start as a side-piece or Goth kid!).

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Closing Words

This episode of First Date is a fast-paced, laughter-filled exploration of real-life relationships—in all their wild, messy, and ultimately sweet forms. Deric Poston’s romantic arc from homeless comic to "locked in" husband and father proves that authenticity and humility win the day, especially when paired with a killer sense of humor.

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Listen to the full episode for all the wild stories, sharp banter, and heartfelt moments that didn’t make the summary!

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date. I can't wait. First date. Hello and welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today is a regular at the Comedy Mothership. He's the co host of the Solid show Give it up for Derek Poston.

[B]

Oh, my God. That's crazy. You're so professional.

[A]

Thank you. You guys just only part of the show. That is professional though.

[B]

Okay. Cause the person I was talking to a couple minutes before that was like, who was that nigga?

[A]

You know, that girl was crazy.

[B]

You know what I mean? Then he broke into Professional. That was. The song was fire too.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

That was really awesome.

[A]

They made that?

[B]

It's a vibe.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

This is nice. I'm excited. I don't know what this is. I'm really excited.

[A]

Yeah. Do you like my set?

[B]

I love this.

[A]

I think they crushed it.

[B]

Also, I haven't been on a first date in 10 years.

[A]

Because you're married, right?

[B]

Married man.

[A]

How long have you been married?

[B]

Been married for? Going on two years. Two years. Wow. Two years and then. But no, a little over two years now. But me and my wife been together 10 years and we've been married the whole time. We moved in after three days of dating. Three days of dating. We moved in, locked in.

[A]

How'd you guys meet?

[B]

I met her outside of a comedy. I didn't know she was a comedian. She's a comedian. Oh, my wife's comedian, but I didn't know she was a comedian. I met her just. There was a comedy club in a mall in San Diego. So I'm just in the mall. So I just think. I just thought this was a beautiful girl.

[A]

Were you a comic at this time?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so did you know who she was?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm just at the mall thinking, I'm seeing a bag.

[A]

Was she funny or hot or both?

[B]

She's both. I mean, she's super. But at this time, I'm thinking, this is just a girl in the mall. I have no idea. She's a comedian.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Okay. I'm just walking by a woman and I see her. I'm like, yo, yo, what's up, girl? You got a perfect smile. I'm just talking to her and she's like, oh, thank you. You know what I mean? And then, you know, she keeps walking. And then later that night at the open mic. So this is like at one o' clock in the afternoon, I saw her. And then later that night at the open mic, I saw her again. And I'm like, oh, she's a comic. You know what I mean?

[A]

It's destiny.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And then I was like. Then I hit her up, try to go on a date. She said no. And then like a day later, she hit me up and was like, you know, you still want to go on that date? Fucking, of course.

[A]

Why'd she say no?

[B]

Because, you know. Why'd she say no? Cause she's an idiot. She was like, I don't wanna date comics. But I had never dated a comedian either. I was like, she's the only comedian I've ever talked to. And I tell all comedians, never date a comedian. That's stupid. It's never going to work out. You're an idiot. It's never going to work out. If you're not me and my wife, you have zero chance. Two comedians should never be together. That's crazy. But she was the first one. I was like, fuck it. And I asked her out. And then she said. She said no. You know what I mean? And then she. And then she hit me up a couple days later.

[A]

How did she get your number?

[B]

No, no, no. This was on Facebook. Messenger.

[A]

Wow. That's where old people go.

[B]

I know. That's how old we were.

[A]

So. Old people messenger.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she was like, hey, how about that date?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Where'd you guys go?

[B]

Oh, bro. I took her to bro crate. Best date ever. I took her to Thai food. Took her to Thai food. I went to the wrong place at first, bro. I sent her to the wrong place, the wrong address, and I was at the right place. So we had to walk and meet up in the middle. And then we went to a Thai, like a random different Thai food place.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? Ate the Thai food, dates going crazy. Went and got ice cream after. So now we went from. We went from like 11 o' clock to now. It's like two now. We eat ice cream, walked around the park till like 5, went and saw a movie.

[A]

You guys are hanging out, Bro, I'm in love, bro.

[B]

I'm like, nigga, this is crazy. Went and saw a movie, hung out after the movie, and then like. And then left at like 9 o' clock that night. And I went, my best man at my wedding, my still best friend who I do the solid show with, Asanama. I told him that day, bro, I'm marrying that chick.

[A]

No way.

[B]

He said it in his best man speech. He said, bro, that was first day he came. He said, hey, bro, you married? And I have been locked in Ever since. Ever since.

[A]

So three days. So after y' all moved in together?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And y' all have lived together ever since, obviously.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so why did it take you guys so long to get married?

[B]

Poor. Poor. Well, when we moved in, it's like. Cause, you know, I say that. I always say, like, we moved in, but the truth was I was homeless. I was couch surfing.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

So I was like, yo, you got a place? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, let's go. And so we lived in a living room. We lived in a living room with, like, seven other roommates. But we put a sheet up and we had the little corner of the living room, and we lived in that for the first year.

[A]

Wow. When did you guys get your own place?

[B]

Then we moved. Let's see. LA roommates and then Austin roommates, and then in Austin, we got our own place. Once started making money started happening.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you guys want kids?

[B]

We have a kid. We just had a kid five months ago. Our first little girl.

[A]

Congratulations.

[B]

Don't get me excited, dude. I'll show you a picture right fucking now, dude. Don't fucking turn me up. Look at that little angel, man.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

That's my little girl right there. Shoshana.

[A]

That is so cool. Do you want another one?

[B]

We need more money. We go off money. Everything's money based on our house. So our money was up to where we could comfortably have one and live. And nothing changed in our lifestyle. So we're not gonna have. So if we. The moment the money goes up again, we can have another kick. I don't want. Our lifestyle cannot change.

[A]

Right.

[B]

We have to be completely comfortable. Bill's on her thing. I can just focus on art. She can just focus on comedy. We can live our life. We do vacation. We can eat what we want. You know what I'm saying? Like, if we can live comfortably, more kids, okay, until. But right now, if we had a kid, then we. Now we gotta be like, oh, we can't go out to eat as much. I'm not living like that.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

So the moment the money level up again, we'll do another. And she's the same way. She's on the same time I'm on.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And we don't care who levels up first.

[A]

That's just how you're. That's just where you're at, bro.

[B]

If she makes the money, awesome. Nigga, I hope she blows up.

[A]

Great. So what is your biggest pet peeve about her? What does she do that just gets underneath your skin? Drives you nuts.

[B]

This fucking bitch. This fucking motherfucker. Dude, even today, just let me have it sometime. You know what I mean? Like, I be thinking about that. Like, today, like, we got into, like, not even an argument, but we. Because we don't really. We've never. We only got into two real fights, but we get, you know, like any married couple, we get into, like, little tats. And even today, we just talking about something. I don't even know what we were talking about. And we both agreed with the point, but it was just like I said it. First I said it, and then she's, like, saying it. Like, she said it, and I was just like, bro, I just said that. And then she was like, I know, but we're all, like, saying the same point. I was like, I know, but it don't need to be said. If I just said, like, why are you saying it? I just said it. And then an hour of that. It was an hour going back and forth on that. You know what I'm saying? But in that energy, it's never mad. It's just like, nigga, just shut. Let me have it. Let me just have some.

[A]

What do you do that you think pisses her off?

[B]

There's no way anything.

[A]

You're just perfect.

[B]

There's just no way. Look at you. How long has it been? Six minutes. Look at the vibes. Look at the. Everybody look at the vibes, bro. And you can feel through the camera, you feel the vibes. These are the vibes that I give. These are the vibes. 24. 7. And my wife does give. My wife. I'd say, he gives 26. I give 24. Seven vibes. She gives 26 vibes. There's times the vibes aren't there, you know? Yeah, I'm giving 24. 7 vibes at all times. So it's like, even if you do have a problem with me, I'm giving you good vibes, bro. You know, it's coming from a good place. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes I be thinking, like, you mad for real? I'm never actually mad. Yeah, I'm mad because you did. Something happened, and now I'm mad. Like, she wakes up mad and it's like, nigga, that's crazy. You were asleep, so that's insane. It's impossible. It's impossible. You're upset. It's impossible. You know what I mean? So you can't. That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Unless you have a dream that your partner cheats on you, I've done that before. And I wake up and I'm just like, oh, I just wanna punch you.

[B]

You're dreaming about that?

[A]

Yeah, but I dream about weird stuff sometimes. And I'm like, look, I just had this wild dream that I caught you in bed with another girl. And today I'm off, and so I'll be mad at something that didn't even happen. It's just. I had a dream.

[B]

I've heard about you. I've heard about women who say such things. I didn't know it was real.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

That's terrifying.

[A]

It's so wild.

[B]

I didn't think I'd leave Sam if she said that to me. That's insane.

[A]

It's wild. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. No, I've never met him.

[A]

But you don't ever leave someone that's that psycho. No, it's gonna happen to you.

[B]

You're very gone girl. You ever seen that movie?

[A]

Mm, oh, yeah. Yeah, I have. But it's been a long, long time with Ben Affleck, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The fact that you can forget that character and she doesn't haunt you every second of every day.

[A]

Well, it's not like Annabelle or whatever, bro.

[B]

She's worse. She's real. Oh, the gone girl chick is real.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

She really got cheated on. And then. And then instead of leaving her husband, she plotted his murder. Like, you know, like, plotted.

[A]

Yeah, well, if my husband wanted to leave me, I would probably plot his murder.

[B]

You see what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah. Like he wouldn't be able to just walk away.

[B]

Why? Why can't you?

[A]

Because he doesn't have freedom. He has no freedom anymore. I am the master.

[B]

Yo, bro, you know what's crazy? I feel like my wife really feel that way. She wasn't. She. I don't know if she would say, like, say it, but she does feel that way.

[A]

All women feel that way. I think.

[B]

No, I think so too.

[A]

No. Yeah. No. If he wanted to leave, he could. I would just murder him. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. You know? Do you have a kid?

[A]

I do.

[B]

How many kids do you have?

[A]

I have one kid and he's eight months old.

[B]

We're on the same timeline.

[A]

I know. That's why I was like, woo.

[B]

You know, somebody told me. I forgot who it was. Another comic was like, you need to ask her about her pediatrician stuff. And I was like, what? And I didn't know. I was like, oh, our kids are the same age.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I should probably make another appointment for him. He's almost nine months old, but, yeah, babies are crazy.

[B]

Yeah, bro, but I like it. I don't know. To me, it's. I mean, maybe for my wife. Are you breastfeeding?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, my wife's breastfeeding, so that's awful. But for me, it's been the best five months ever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Being a dad, I sleep great. I sleep better. Oh, fuck you. There's a baby in there. There's like. I wake up, bro, the baby happy. I'm happy. You know what I'm saying? I sleep excited to wake up to see the baby, and then she'll breastfeed. And then I go to the gym and I sauna and steam. I'm a little fucking dumpling, you know? I'm a little fucking dumpling in there. And then I come home and then the bab. We had milk, took a nap, woke up happy to see me again. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So. Yeah. I can't imagine what my mom.

[A]

You are so unlikable.

[B]

What you mean, bro, it's crazy.

[A]

I liked you so much for 10 whole minutes, and now. And now you're like, I'm a dumpling.

[B]

I'm a little dumpling.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm a little dumpling while I'm sweating.

[A]

That's wild. That's because your wife is doing all the work.

[B]

I know. She is. She is. Even though it's even. Bro, you do a lot of the work.

[A]

I make money, okay? My husband says the same thing.

[B]

Well, he's just like, oh, yeah, of course he does. Like. Like that's not fucking a big deal. Going to rush that over to. I don't like that. I get it's even, bro. I'm making the money. She doing all the work. That's 100% a trade. And, bro, I swear to God, if she started making the money, nigga, I will get some milk out these titties. I'll figure it out. I'll figure out something. You know what I'm saying? I promise you I'll figure out some shit if she started making. If it was reversed, bro, because I don't give a fuck. But, yeah, I feel like that's even, bro. What's the point of the money?

[A]

No, you sound. You're a great dad. I'm proud of you, honestly, I really am. Cause being a dad also is hard.

[B]

It's so hard. It's so hard. And no one's talking about what we're going through. I be looking at other dads, man. And I'll be Proud of them. Cause I know.

[A]

But you know what? At least you're skinny.

[B]

Skinny as fuck. Skin glowing right now.

[A]

You're glowing.

[B]

Fresh out the sauna. You know what I mean? Right into the plunge. Oh, right. Went home, kissed the baby. You know what I'm saying? It came to you.

[A]

You're killing it. Look at you go. You're wearing like a flannel. It's fall, bruh. Dad vibes. Skin glowing.

[B]

Skin glowing, bruh. Let's go on a date. Oh my God. I'm excited. I don't know what it is. I'm excited though.

[A]

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[B]

All? Ooh, you know what's funny? It's not really date nights because we're both comics. So because we both at night, we both are wanting to get up. So one of us with the baby, one of us getting up at all times. But we are date lunch. So our date lunch. But we like even today finish the pod and we're gonna probably go to La Perla's this really? The seafood spot.

[A]

Perla's.

[B]

Perla's?

[A]

Yeah. There's no law.

[B]

There's not a law in there.

[A]

It's just Perla's.

[B]

Are you 100%?

[A]

It's Perla's, guys.

[B]

There's a law in there. There's no law. Why would I throw a law in there?

[A]

There's. There's La Piscina, which is a Mexican restaurant in the proper hotel, but Perla's over on South Congress. Yeah, the seafood spot doesn't have a law in front of it. I'm just telling you. Just letting you know.

[B]

Why would I make that up?

[A]

I don't know. Because maybe you saunaed too hard.

[B]

Yeah, I did. I've been telling everybody you gotta go to La Perla's. That's crazy.

[A]

Perla's? Yeah. You've been messing people up. They don't even know what you're talking about.

[B]

Let me see. Maybe the sign looks like there's a line in front of it. I don't.

[A]

There's nothing in front of me.

[B]

There's something about this that makes me right. We just don't know what it is yet.

[A]

There's probably nothing about it that makes you right. There's nothing even in front of Perla's. There's a lot law at the end. There's Per.

[B]

There's the law at the end.

[A]

So, Per.

[B]

Boys, bro. Got a lot of boys.

[A]

Yeah, well, don't trust him. He's wearing a post office jacket.

[B]

Yo, that was Tanner.

[A]

That's Tanner.

[B]

Oh, my God. His voice is deep.

[A]

Yeah, right? He should be a country music star.

[B]

Yeah. That was incredible.

[A]

Can you sing, Tanner?

[B]

Only for nice people.

[A]

Oh, he'll never sing for me.

[B]

Yeah, I. So. Yeah, so today, like, we'll go right after I leave the pod, we'll go there, and then we'll order. We order, like, a bunch of stuff. We like to just go fancy, so we're like. Or all carnivore, but we'll just order, like, as much seafood as we can ball out. And then we scarf, scarf, scarf. And then we'll go for a nice long walk. And then we'll.

[A]

Y' all are so cute.

[B]

Yeah. And then we take a nap. But that's what we do every day. We always get our little 20,000, 30,000 steps every day. What? We like to walk? Yeah, we like to walk.

[A]

Where's the baby at this whole time?

[B]

Strapped to mama. Okay.

[A]

Of course. Her. Do you ever. Does it ever strap to you?

[B]

It's not big enough. She's not big enough yet. For some reason the carrier I have is like. It's like. She's like. Not like, she doesn't fit it. She doesn't fit. I think I'm too skinny.

[A]

You're too skinny.

[B]

I think I got. I think I've lost a little too much weight.

[A]

Yeah, that's how it is.

[B]

That's how it is.

[A]

But you're there for emotional support, bruh.

[B]

That's all I can do when you're this thin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's nothing else I can do but emotional support when you're this thin, you know? But I feel. Because you gotta say, I used to be an athlete. I used to play college football. Okay, so you're. I'm coming off. Their boy was shredded his whole life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then comedy wife. You gained a bunch of weight. And then, baby. And now I'm completely changed everything.

[A]

And now you're carnivore.

[B]

Now I'm like, oh, we gotta change our lives. Skinny again. We're going all the way back. We're gonna go back to like, full on shredded.

[A]

Has it been fun shopping for new clothes?

[B]

I haven't done that yet. I've been. I've been enjoying wearing the clothes big on loosely. Yeah.

[A]

Have you had to go in a couple notches on your belt, bro?

[B]

Look at this shit. Look at that.

[A]

Look how much taste it is, man.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

That is crazy.

[B]

It feels good.

[A]

Good.

[B]

I feel. You have no idea, bro. And I'm not drinking. Like, I haven't had a drink in forever.

[A]

Oh, that's fun.

[B]

Two months. Yeah, but no, I bet you got to say, I was drinking every day for 13 years.

[A]

Oh, okay. So you needed a break.

[B]

Every day for 13 years. Hot Cheetos. Every day for 13 years.

[A]

I'm proud of you. That's good.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty good.

[A]

Dude, that's great.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? That's why I'm so. You have no idea how good I feel right now.

[A]

I can tell. I can tell how good you feel. Unless this is just your vibe all the time.

[B]

You know what's crazy? It was if you saw me, like three months ago at my worst, when I'm eating my worst. And I was at my worst right here.

[A]

Same person.

[B]

Same person, bro. You would never know.

[A]

Do you have any addictions?

[B]

I smoke weed every day. That's for sure. An addiction.

[A]

Every day?

[B]

Every. Every day.

[A]

Sometimes every day.

[B]

I smoke weed every day. Like, I wake up, hit the bong. Like I have a routine. A bong wake up, hit the bong.

[A]

Bongs are no joke, dude.

[B]

Got to. But I mean, I want to. I want to get high in the morning.

[A]

That'll do it.

[B]

Yes. I want to wake up, hit the bong, and then start the day then, like, with the baby. And then I'm, you know, I'm just having fun, you know? And then. And then we keep that level of high throughout the day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then the day is great. We just coast through the day.

[A]

You know what would happen if I hit a bong?

[B]

Oh, my God, I don't even know.

[A]

I would die. I would just die. There would be no me left. I would hit a bong, I would cough so hard that my esophagus would come out of my throat, and I would die that way. That's how I would die.

[B]

Do you never smoke weed?

[A]

No.

[B]

You've never done it once?

[A]

No, no, no, no. I've done it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No, of course I have. Come on. My last name is Compton. Like, I used to be. I was fucking crazy in high school.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

I was the blunt roller.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everybody would give me the weed, and I would roll the blunt because I could roll perfect blunts, and I could roll them back to back in, like, 30 seconds. I'd be like, yeah. Like, I was.

[B]

Were you. Now, I hate to say this, but were you around a lot of black guys?

[A]

Um, I had black friends.

[B]

Okay. When you said the Compton thing a second ago, I was like, that's my last name, though. I know it is. But then I was like, how deep does it go? You know?

[A]

I mean, I feel like black people smoke more blunts than white people.

[B]

They do.

[A]

So every time I was rolling blunts, I was with black people.

[B]

That's why.

[A]

Okay, is that where.

[B]

That's why I asked. That's why I was like, okay.

[A]

Yeah. So, all right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was always cool. So when I went to high school, I was homeschooled until I went to public school for, like, less than a year. And when I got to that school, no one liked me until they found out that my last name was Compton. I bought a letter jacket and it said Compton across the back of my shoulders. And suddenly I was very popular.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I also went to a school where there was, like, primarily Mexicans and black people. So I became very cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Once everyone was like, oh, Compton. I don't even think anybody knew my first name.

[B]

Were you pretty in high school?

[A]

No, not really. I had pitch black hair underneath. It was white, blonde, like a skunk. If I put my hair up in a ponytail and I was like, Goth.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. And I was not popular at all.

[B]

When did this happen?

[A]

Playboy did this to me when I was 21.

[B]

Lauren, we gotta have pictures of that. That's crazy.

[A]

I thought you meant the Playboy. I was like, you can Google it.

[B]

No, I also want the Goth bay. I'm like, no, kidding Me? No.

[A]

Yeah. No.

[B]

I pretend things I hate about you.

[A]

Serious pictures. I worked at Hot Topic. I worked at Hot Topic. Yeah. This is brand new, I guess. And I never said this. No. Yeah. I was a theater nerd. I was a thespian, and I was into, like, the Sex Pistols, and I was like, a punk goth girl. Wow.

[B]

Yeah, I don't see it either, guys. I'm with them.

[A]

No. Yeah. And no one liked me, so I hated this school. I ended up getting out of the school because I made friends with two girls that were like, bank robbers and they wanted to ditch school. I had a car and. And they wanted to ditch school and they wanted to go to the mall and they wanted to steal from Claire's, the Icing and Foley's. So I went to Claire's, the Icing and Foley's, and one of the girls asked me to put a pair of fossil sunglasses in my bag. She was stealing them, but her bag was full. And I was like, okay. Yeah. So I did. And when we left Foley's, the security guard came after us. And they're like, excuse me, can we search your purses? And we just ran for the door. I got tackled. They caught me. I went to mall jail. They called my mom. My mom had to come and get me. And that day my parents took me out of the public school and put me in an alternative school where you go if you get pregnant or stab someone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was there for like six to eight weeks. And I graduated like that before I was 18. And then I moved to California when I was 18. And then when I was turning 21, I auditioned for Playboy as a dare. And then this happened. I became a Playmate and I was on the COVID of Playboy. And so then I went from goth to girl. That's my story.

[B]

Oh, my God. I didn't know that. What a journey.

[A]

It was crazy in my head.

[B]

This has been your whole life. I thought you'd have been one of those girl your cheerleader the whole time, you know what I mean?

[A]

All the way up now.

[B]

Do you ever miss it? Do you ever feel like. Do you ever, like, when you're in.

[A]

Your room, like, Miss being Goth?

[B]

Yeah. Do you ever, like, you know, like.

[A]

My dad, like, just start singing My Chemical Romance?

[B]

You know it. See, it's in your heart.

[A]

There's moments where I like, kind of sing it to myself. Like, Panic at the disco was kind of my shit. If you're like into punk stuff, like, that was. I was into like the punk pop stuff.

[B]

Not now, though. What are we now?

[A]

Now I like country music and Ms. Rachel.

[B]

I've heard about Ms. Rachel, dude. I know she's coming in my life.

[A]

She's coming up. She's coming up.

[B]

I've heard good things, though. People say she's the one.

[A]

She is the one. She's the chosen one.

[B]

That's what they say.

[A]

She's the chosen one. That has like 150 million views on YouTube. Everyone chose Mr. Beat.

[B]

You know what I don't get about her though?

[A]

What?

[B]

This is what I don't get, though. Cause, like, when I see. Because I really like her, like, her vibe. But what I don't understand is I know she gets like Mr. Beast numbers.

[A]

She does.

[B]

So I know that's like billions of dollars. I know what Mr. Beast.

[A]

Oh, yeah, she's. She's.

[B]

But why she be acting like, oh, I'm just in a. I'm in the back of a commercial flight. No, you're not.

[A]

Yeah, no, she's not.

[B]

You're a liar.

[A]

She is. She's also going on like massive TV show or what? Like Jimmy Fallon, I don't know. Not Jimmy Fallon per se, but she's going on like Kelly Clarkson show. And like, she's being interviewed and she's talking about her show and it's like she's low key, fogging rich.

[B]

But her. But her Persona is. She's not. Like, that's crazy to me how people pull that up.

[A]

Ye. Yeah, like.

[B]

Cause her brand is like, I'm just a regular mom. And it's like. No, you're not. You're sitting on fucking. You're 300 M's up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're fucking Steph Curry lady.

[A]

What would you do if you had those kinds of numbers on comedy specials? Buy the sauna. Buy the.

[B]

Bro. What? I would. I would. I'd live. My house would be a sauna. Yeah. My house would be inside the sauna. So when I step outside, like, my house. When I step outside my house, I'm in the sauna. And then I gotta step outside the sauna to be outside, bro. I would do crazy shit. I would spend so much money on what? What would you buy vacations mainly.

[A]

You know what's funny?

[B]

I would. Mainly I would want to take both sides of the family and, like. I mean, like, everybody. I think I would blow so much money on taking everybody to places they ain't never been. Like Paris and like, just Overworld and like, really, like the depths of the family. Like, people I don't even talk to, you know what I mean? Just to just ball out, Em. Just so everybody can see some other shit for once in their life. Yeah, I think I would do that. All I say that, but to me, that's the only thing that matter. Experiences. Because I'm not really a person's thing, but I want experiences. I want everything.

[A]

Have you traveled a lot?

[B]

For the first time in my life recently, because I got to do. I got to tour with Schultz, Andrew Schultz, and it was the first time ever, like, got to lead a country and, like, go to all these places. And so I didn't.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

It's incredible. I went to fucking. The Middle east, like, Dubai and fucking Abu Dhabi and shit.

[A]

Yeah, bro.

[B]

Oh, my God. Like, it's incredible. Like, I went to London and I went to fucking Manchester and I went to Amsterdam was my favorite place. Like. Yeah, but I would do that. I would spend all my money taking, like, both sides of the family and then, like, watching people get into fights and act really poor in places. You know what I mean? Just watch people, like, not know how to order, you know, or ask for 57 sauce. Like, take them to, like, really nice sushi.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And just not. So they don't know how to act. Like, I would love to do that.

[A]

That'd be fun. Have you been on a yacht?

[B]

I've been on a yacht.

[A]

What do you think about yachts, bro?

[B]

I've been on a yacht. I was in Sydney, dog. I was on a yacht.

[A]

That's like, the best place to go to.

[B]

I was on a yacht in Sydney. It was. Oh, my God. And it was. It was nighttime. So you could look down and the water was clear and you could see Opera House right there. And then there was jellyfish everywhere. Like, we were in motherfucking Finding Nemo, my nigga. That shit was crazy, dog. I mean, yeah, that was a crazy experience.

[A]

Yachts are so fun. I've only been on one. And that experience, even for me, was. I was like, wow. It was. It was one of the coolest ways to travel because nothing makes you feel more rich.

[B]

Yeah, bro.

[A]

Than being on a big boat.

[B]

I wouldn't want to own one, though. I wouldn't want to own it.

[A]

No. I think owning them is pretty stupid.

[B]

Yeah. Because it's too much money. But to be on them. Those are the fives.

[A]

And the maintenance on them is like crazy. And you have to buy all of the people. That sounds really bad coming from a white girl talking to a black guy talking about buying people. I know, and I'm just saying that. I didn't mean it like that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

This isn't Louisiana.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I wouldn't ever name it the Plantain Ever Plantation. I'm just saying that you do have to buy the people. You don't you. Okay, maybe let's just say rent the people.

[B]

Hire. That's a better.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Hire.

[A]

You have to hire the people.

[B]

No, buy them, dog. Buy them out.

[A]

I feel like they wanna be bought though.

[B]

Buy em and separate em from their kids so they work harder. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You gotta do what's right.

[A]

You know what I mean? Anyway, we can move on from this conversation.

[B]

No, Lauren, it was really fun. Funny what you said.

[A]

It's okay. I've been just waiting to get cancelled, bro.

[B]

That blows you up.

[A]

Yeah. Have you ever been canceled?

[B]

N. It's impossible.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I'm. I'm. I'm gay. I'm awesome. I'm married. I'm. That. I'm him. Bro, you can't. Can't when you him and you gay and you married?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying, bro? What can you. Like there's nothing and I don't do nothing, bro. I don't cheat on my wife. You know what I'm saying? Like, what you gonna do to me?

[A]

You're too good.

[B]

What you gonna do? Bro, I talk all this shit, but I don't do nothing.

[A]

Let's go back to your past. Let's go back before the perfect wife. Before the perfect wife.

[B]

That guy's a fucking psycho.

[A]

I wanna talk about that guy.

[B]

That guy was crazy.

[A]

Were you into long term relationships when you were that guy?

[B]

Longest relationship I ever had before my wife was like a year and that was my. My senior year of high school.

[A]

What was the worst breakup you ever had?

[B]

Not a breakup, but. All right. Before I met my wife. Your boy was in an entanglement.

[A]

Oh no.

[B]

Oh yeah. I was the side piece, bro.

[A]

Tell me about that.

[B]

I was the Mac and cheese on the side. You know what I'm saying? And I was happy to be it too. I was like. I want, like. I wanted her to leave her, dude.

[A]

Was she married?

[B]

I don't even Know she could have been. She said she wasn't. But you know what's funny? Looking back. I don't even know, bro.

[A]

So she was with someone else. Told you she was with someone.

[B]

I knew. Yeah.

[A]

You knew.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you were having fun.

[B]

Oh. And then it got serious, you know, when it get. It starts fun. And then I wanted it. I wanted the whole thing. And then that got crazy. And that. That went on for, like, back and forth for, like, two years.

[A]

Did her dude ever find out?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Oh, so he never reached out to you or anything? And was like, lay off my girl.

[B]

I. No, that never happened. And then I met my wife. When I met. This was going on when I met. When I met Sam. And the first time me and Sam. This is date. This is Date two. This is before we move in, me and Sam. She wants to have sex with me, bro. I couldn't get hard. This is how I knew. I love this bitch. I couldn't get hard because I was like, yo, for the other girl or for your wife? My wife.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I was like, I couldn't get her. I was like, yo, I gotta tell you something. I was like your boy going through it right now. You know what I mean? Cause the other chick had just had a baby. I ain't know if it was mine. I'm going through it like, oh, my goodness. I was wilding. I was wilding. You know what I'm saying? So I don't know if the baby's mine, but I really like this girl that I just met, you know? I really like her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So she's trying to. And I couldn't. I couldn't do it. And also, by the way, not to say my wife's a slut, but your boy got the draws on the second night. You know what I'm saying? Your boy's about to get the draws night, too, dog. And I'm homeless, nigga. Just saying, just so you know, y' all know the game. Don't play with me. You know, don't nobody play with me. Just know your girls with you. Cause I'm married. All right, everybody. That's for everybody. Asap, Rocky, that goes for you, everybody on earth, Nigga, you're welcome. But I was homeless. Pulling bitches, bro. I was fucking in the park. Go ask my wife, bro. The first time she ever saw me do comedy, I had a whole chunk about all the sex I was having at the park. Cause I was homeless, so I was convincing.

[A]

Okay? But, Derek, you couldn't get it out you couldn't get up, stay focused.

[B]

You got me hype about me. Cause you talking about old me now. That nigga came out. You saw that. He came out for a second, but I couldn't get it up because I love this girl. And I had to tell her. I was like, yo, I don't know if I got a baby. I don't know what's going on with this chick. And she was like, oh, for real? And then I told her about everything that was going on. And then I was just like how cool she was and how she handled it and how we talked about it. I was like, man, I fucking love this girl, bro. I already knew I love this girl, but God damn. And then that. That day, like, the next day, I hit up the other girl. Other girl. I was like, yo, done. Like, done. And then, like, was she sad? Oh, my God, I went crazy. Of course. She was a psychopath. She's cheating on a dude. And we're having enough crazy affair. And it's like, we're fucking in park. We're fucking in a Fry's parking lot. That's where we meet up. Fry's parking lot. And have sex.

[A]

And then suddenly you're like, yo, it's over.

[B]

It's over. And this is going on for years, bro.

[A]

Dang.

[B]

And I don't know if the baby's mine or not to this day. I mean, I don't think it is, but you know what I mean? Because she said it wasn't, but she was a liar. She was also cheating on her husband. Who knows what. This is real. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah. Fuck it.

[B]

Exactly. Well, I mean, if the baby was mine, of course I would have took care of it. I wanted to take care of it before I met my wife. I wanted to be like, right? And then she was the one telling me, no, it's not your baby. It's not this. And I'm like, no, I think, you know, like, crazy shit, bro.

[A]

Right?

[B]

This bitch had me wrapped up.

[A]

But did she let you go after that day, or did she still linger? Did you have to block her number?

[B]

Oh, I blocked her numbers. I don't know. I blocked everything.

[A]

So you never talked to her ever again?

[B]

Ever to write? Yeah, ever.

[A]

So you met your wife? Day two, end it with her, block your number. Never heard from her again.

[B]

Done.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

That's wild. How did you propose to your wife?

[B]

You know, there's a Mount Bonilla, I think it's called in Austin. Mount Bonilla. But apparently it's like, really late. Apparently, that's where everybody proposes. But I didn't know that. I just looked up best, like viewers in Austin, and it came up. And then I went and took her there, but she knew. She knew. She. So I ain't even. But I fucked. I didn't know, though. I told her, we're leaving the house. She has sweatpants on.

[A]

Mount Bonnell.

[B]

Mount Bonnell. Is that it? Yes, that one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's the view right there. Literally that. I think it was that. That spot right there.

[A]

That's where you proposed?

[B]

Yeah, I think it's literally that spot right there.

[A]

Okay, so tell me the day. How'd you work it out?

[B]

Well, we were staying at a friend's house, house sitting for his dog. All right. But I had the ring. I've been having the ring for a while. You know what I'm saying? And I was waiting and waiting and waiting. I was just like, oh, we got a perfect day. And then there was a beautiful day. It was kind of cold, but I was like, oh, it's a really nice day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so we're walking out the house, and then I literally. Bro. I said, she had sweatpants on. And I was like, hey, you. I don't know why I said this, but I'm like, I'm about to propose. My. Probably gonna take a picture. I was like, oh. I was like, hey, you should probably put jeans on. And she said. She told me. She said the moment you said that, I was like. She was like, this motherfucker's proposal. So she said she knew right when I told her that.

[A]

Damn, you gave it away.

[B]

I didn't know. I'm thinking like, oh, maybe she shouldn't have sweats. For this woman. I'm an idiot. I don't know. And then we go up, and then I propose, and she was all excited. And then she told me after. Like, I knew the moment you said that.

[A]

No way.

[B]

Yeah, she's the best. But she still let me have a moment. She didn't say anything.

[A]

What'd you do after?

[B]

I think we had spots. I think I had spots.

[A]

Spots.

[B]

Think I did comedy.

[A]

Oh, you did spots? Oh, God. I don't know. I thought, like, you broke out in hives. I was like, I don't.

[B]

No.

[A]

I was like, wow.

[B]

I think I did. I think I did stand up. I think I. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Cause I remember we called all the family, and that was really exciting. And then I think, yeah, I think we both just went out and did spots that night. Knowing us, that's cool. Me and my wife were. Yeah, we so low, low key.

[A]

And what was your wedding day like?

[B]

That was the greatest day of all time. Best wedding of all time, bro. Hands down, greatest wedding of all time, bro. We did it at her house, like at her parents place. Parents have a beautiful unreal place.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And her dad built this unreal pavilion. He's a contractor, so it's hand built. It's insane. It looks like a fucking wedding. It looks like they have weddings. You know what I mean? That's cool, bro. So we had it at the place where her family's at. And it was just friends. It was like 90 people, just the homies and family and bro. Oh, my God. The dancing started because her brother has down syndrome. So this. This motherfucking awesome ass nigga, he. He dancing right before the food come out. So before the food come out, he's already dancing. So everybody's like, well, we're not gonna let him dance alone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so, bro, I'm talking about everybody is full on partying. The moment the ceremony ended, so it was like, oh, this is the most turnt wedding of all time, bro. Cause it's all comics. So we in that bitch turnt, bro. Oh, my God, it was awesome.

[A]

So fun.

[B]

Yeah. That was the best day, hands down, best day of my life.

[A]

That is super cool.

[B]

Hands down, best day of my life. No, no, the baby. The baby. Baby being born. Second best day. Nah. Travis Scott. Utopia was crazy, bro. Travis Scott. Utopia was crazy, bro. I was front row. Schultze. Thanks for shout out to Schultze, bro.

[A]

I was front row.

[B]

I mean, he's right there. He's right there, bro. And y' all saw that. I mean, yeah, Utopia was crazy, but yeah, maybe that. I saw Life of Pablo. I saw some shit, but no, my kid and marrying my wife.

[A]

Well, that's great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you for coming on my show. Where can people find you? I know, it's like so wild.

[B]

Our show. Anywhere at the Solid show and just anywhere online. Just Derek Poston, but Solid show. Listen to my podcast. Listen to my podcast with Hassan Ahmad.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Is that it?

[A]

I know. This show went so fast. Is there any advice you have for me?

[B]

Like marriage advice?

[A]

Yeah. Or advice on kids? I'll take anything.

[B]

Trying to think, bro. Like, good marriage. Like, my only good marriage advice, bro. Bro, like really stay, I think. But then again, I think you should be friends with your partner. Like, you should really be friends with your motherfucking partner. Like, talking about. But then again, my mom and dad been married 30 years and they opposites, so what the fuck do I know?

[A]

Well, it sounds like you know a lot.

[B]

No advice.

[A]

No, I think being friends with your partner is great advice.

[B]

I think it is. But then again, I think you should just do what works for you, though. Cause then again, like, if what works for you is like, no, we have our friends and then we're married. Some people are like that.

[A]

Ew.

[B]

But that works for people.

[A]

That's crazy. Could you imagine being married to someone that you don't talk to, like, about things?

[B]

No, I couldn't.

[A]

That'd be wild.

[B]

It makes the sex better.

[A]

It makes everything better.

[B]

Mainly the sex. I mean, you know, I want. I. I want to have sex with somebody that I know.

[A]

I think it makes food better too. Like, could you imagine eating with someone that you don't talk to? When I eat, I, like, I want to have a conversation. I want to know about your day. I want to know about, like, what's going on and vent and talk shit about people.

[B]

See, I wouldn't. Me and you wouldn't be able to be married. Cause I'd be like, yo, that's what the walks are for. Oh, we're eating right now. We're gonna watch football. Yeah, this is football time. You see what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You gotta know about. You gotta know your partner, dog. You know? So that's my only marriage advice. Just. Yeah, you should just know your motherfucker, bro. And lock in. Don't get divorced. Lock in, lock in, bro. Motherfuckers be getting divorced. That shit lame.

[A]

On a scale of 1 to 10, how good is a sauna?

[B]

12.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You sauna?

[A]

I haven't saunaed in a very long time.

[B]

Get in there. Dude.

[A]

I was sauna ing. But you can't do that when you're pregnant.

[B]

Are you pregnant again?

[A]

No, I'm not, but I was for.

[B]

Very nice. Are you having more kids? Are you gonna have more kids?

[A]

I am gonna have more kids.

[B]

What are you guys waiting on?

[A]

Well, probably. I think we're gonna have a wedding in, like the next two months, and I don't want to be pregnant.

[B]

Yeah. Turn up for the wedding.

[A]

I want to honeymoon.

[B]

You deserve. You earn the honeymoon.

[A]

We're going to just party.

[B]

Party.

[A]

And then after the wedding is done. Yeah, we'll start trying again.

[B]

Are you going to go on honeymoon, though?

[A]

My. You know what? This is going to sound so cheesy, but my life is kind of a honeymoon. We travel a lot. He takes me all over the world. All the time. So I don't really need a honeymoon. Like, he was asking me if I wanted to go to Paris next week.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, I can't, I have to film.

[B]

But. But the nice. I'm fire.

[A]

And it's like, not that big of a deal. Because he was like, okay, we'll just go in December.

[B]

I guess that's true.

[A]

Like, I have.

[B]

But don't you want at least for me? I liked. What I liked about the honeymoon was that it was for me. It wasn't about you. Traveling is dope, but it was the. We went two days after the wedding. So the whole honeymoon was this, like, come down of the greatest day of your life that you're like. And you can talk about it. Does that make like rather than just going right back to work and going right back to your life and then we vacation later. To me, the honeymoon was like, oh, we got to still be in the wedding. Like, the wedding was longer. Does that make sense?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's why I was like, oh, the honeymoon to me was just so. It was a long wedding. It makes the wedding long.

[A]

I don't need a long wedding. I'm like, looking forward to it being over already.

[B]

What?

[A]

I know. I haven't even started planning. I haven't even chosen a date. I just want to wear the dress and have the food and have like one night of dancing and then get pregnant again. I don't want it to go on. I would be so tired if he was like, okay, we're gonna, like, we're gonna continue this wedding. I would just be like, God, I hope my ovaries just fall out.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I don't want it to go on. I don't even really want to do it at all, but I feel like I have to. Cause I already bought the dress and.

[B]

Have you ever been married before?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, so you've done it already?

[A]

I have done it already.

[B]

Oh, never mind. I didn't know I was talking to a vet. You know what I'm saying? I have any history with it. I thought I was talking to a rookie. You know what I mean?

[A]

I don'. It's like, I feel like I just want him to say that he's not gonna fuck other people in front of his whole entire family. You know what I mean? Cause I feel like that's what it is. Whenever you get married, you're like, I am with you until the day that I die. And then I'm gonna say, I'm with you till the day that I die. And then we basically are telling everyone we're not gonna fuck other people. And then he puts the ring on my finger, and then I put the ring on his finger. And then for all the rest of time, he has to live his life knowing that he's not gonna fuck anybody else because I have crazy dreams that he fucks other people. That and. You know what I mean. So as long as we can just get that out of the way, I'll get pregnant again. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Your vows are way different than mine. That was crazy to say that. All right. Before you get married. It's wild.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what you're saying when you get married in front of people, that you're not gonna fuck other people. Am I wrong?

[B]

Did you write your own vows?

[A]

I don't even think I ever said vows to my ex husband. And I'm probably not gonna say anything. It's gonna be like a stand up show where I just get to have the floor. And then if he wants to talk, he can.

[B]

Yo, what kind of wedding is this? You gotta write the own vow. That's the best part. You get to freestyle. I don't know, you get to, like, say the things.

[A]

All I need to do is make sure we don't fuck other people. Do you know what I mean?

[B]

I mean, yeah, I guess. I mean, I guess. I don't know.

[A]

What do I say? What are vows? Like, what should vows be? What were your vows?

[B]

Oh, bro, my vows are so fire. I had the motherfucking caterers crying, nigga, they don't even know who I am.

[A]

Tell me I'm gonna steal your vows. What'd you say?

[B]

Oh, bro, I talked about me and my wife's whole journey, like, our relationship together. And, like, how it was the greatest time of, like, when we met and we were living in a living room. How that was the. Nobody could tell me that was the best time of my life. And then, like, how when we moved into our first place and we had roommates and we, like, couldn't believe we had our own place with roommates. That was the best time of my life. And then when we had our own apartment, oh, my God, that was the best time of my life. Like, it was just like, literally, like, how I can't believe. Like, I'm so excited for the future because it's like, Jesus Christ, bro. Every single moment I've been with you these 10 years has been the best period of my life. Like, I can't pick a favorite time, you know? What I'm saying. And that shit came out of me that day. I wrote that shit that day. And it was a bunch of shit about, like, how my dad and my mom. You know what I'm saying? And it was nice. Cause it just like, you never get to really say shit. Whoever says real things to anyone, ever. For real. Like, for real, for real. Other than when somebody dying.

[A]

So it's like you get real.

[B]

You get. I got actually, like. That's what I'm saying. To me, the nice thing about the vows, bro, was it was nice to really get gay. Fully gay.

[A]

Well, you got romantic. You know, you gotta tell the person across from you romantic things. And for me, the most romantic thing that he could tell me is that he's not gonna fuck other people. So all I. You know what I mean? So all he has to say is, I do.

[B]

Damn, that's fair. And also, yeah, you're right. Don't fuck other people. That's bad.

[A]

Yeah, it's terrible. That's why my last marriage ended.

[B]

Yes, you was fucking other people.

[A]

Yeah, he fucked other people. Specifically someone with Bell's palsy.

[B]

I know. How.

[A]

How?

[B]

Wait, the disease?

[A]

Yeah. Like, half her face was paralyzed and he went for that.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, I know. So I left. We can bleep that part out.

[B]

Damn, that sounds kinda hot. I get him a little bit. The pirate face.

[A]

Yeah, that's all I need. New hubby to do.

[B]

No cheat.

[A]

Don't cheat.

[B]

That's fair. I ain't. No, I've never. The 10 years, that's the one thing. Because when you don't cheat, it's nice. You can. Wow. Like, I can talk crazy. Like, when I see titties, I see. I point them out. When I see, like.

[A]

Yeah, you're not blind.

[B]

Yeah, I can. But you can. But when you're cheating, you gotta. You gotta behave. You gotta see what I'm saying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You see what I'm saying? You gotta kinda behave, bro. I don't gotta ever behave.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Ever.

[A]

Yeah, because you had vows that were great, bro.

[B]

Write them. Write some vows. Say some gay shit to your husband.

[A]

I'll say some gay shit.

[B]

Yeah, it's nice. It'll feel so good.

[A]

Okay, I'll let you know what I say whenever I say it, since it's coming up.

[B]

Okay. I would really like that.

[A]

I will.

[B]

Can I ask you another question?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And this is kind of personal, but it's about kids in a way.

[A]

Hear it.

[B]

Was it hard after your child to Start making love to your husband again. Like, did it take time?

[A]

It wasn't hard, but it was like, because I had a C section.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So I wasn't dealing with any of the vaginal stuff? Yeah, I would just say that. No, I think I was pretty excited to start having sex because he didn't want to have sex with me when I was pregnant. He said it. He literally said it. Felt like fucking Buddha. Crazy, right? Crazy.

[B]

Yo, this guy, I was on top of it.

[A]

I was on top of him and he literally said, this feels like fucking Buddha. And I was like, you're gonna cheat on me?

[B]

You know what's crazy? I get him. I felt like I was fucking Kirby when I was fucking my wife. So I kinda did.

[A]

I just feel like it was pretty easy to have sex after the baby was out of me because I felt thinner.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

I was like more of myself and I was just like, let's get spicy.

[B]

Okay. That's interesting. That's such a different situation, I guess, than us. Cause we were having sex throughout the pregnancy.

[A]

Yeah. I seen.

[B]

Until right up till the end. But then, since then, it's. I guess I was gonna. Cause she said it's like. She's like, oh, it just feels way different. But then again, I guess her vat. She had a vaginal.

[A]

She had a vaginal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It'll come back together. It's like elastic.

[B]

It is elastic.

[A]

Yeah, It'll. It'll come back together.

[B]

Okay. Because it's been slow. But you don't want to force it because you don't want to make your wife uncomfortable. Like. But I can tell for her. It's like. You can tell.

[A]

I would imagine. It hurts.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. I can see it on her face. She's nervous, but it's also. It's like, well, your boy. It's been time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Well, she has other holes.

[B]

Huh? She has other holes. She won't. She wanted them. She's a psycho. Oh, she's a fucking psycho, dude. I mean, she'll suck my dick, but she won't fucking do the other fun stuff.

[A]

Yeah. Well, good thing you're gay.

[B]

It's the only thing I got going for me right now, dude. But thank you for answering because I was just curious, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just like, okay, you know, you don't want to. But I guess it does take a long time.

[A]

I really. I like, even at the end of my pregnancy. I heard that if you had sex towards the end, it could help induce pregnancy or Induced labor. So I would have to, like, prep him. I'm like, hey, tonight, get ready. We're having sex. And he'd be like, I know. Because I was so big. I was so. My belly. I was all belly. But people would ask me if I was having twins.

[B]

Damn. A lot.

[A]

And I don't know if it's. Cause I'm like five foot four, and I'm like, a smaller person, and my belly was, like, out to here. But people, like, two, three times a day would ask me if I was having twins. So he was, like, not into it.

[B]

That's so interesting.

[A]

I know. And so he would have to, like, prep himself for days to, like, have sex with me. I know.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

And I still don't want him to fuck other people. Isn't that crazy?

[B]

And you still don't want him to fuck. Yeah, I think right now my wife would.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think she's like, yo, please go.

[A]

Yeah, but now I'm. I wanted it, but he wouldn't. He wasn't into it.

[B]

But now he's back. He's back.

[A]

Now he's back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm like. I'm back to my. I'm, like, smaller than I was before I got pregnant last time. I'm back.

[B]

But you guys. You said baby's eight months.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you guys were right back at it.

[A]

Not immediately. No, no. They. They recommend that you wait for, like, I think. Is it two? I don't even remember.

[B]

It was like, six to eight weeks, I think. Or two months.

[A]

Yeah, it's like six to eight weeks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think it's like two months. They recommend that you wait. But then, like, as soon as I could have sex again, and she was like. Gave me the green light, I. I tried to have sex, which was a very weird feeling. But even if you don't give birth vaginally.

[B]

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

[A]

It's still weird.

[B]

Yeah. Dude. Okay. All right, good. I just needed to hear it from somebody else.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you're just like, man, I wonder if my wife. Are we ever gonna get back if.

[A]

She had a vaginal. You'll get it back. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because we had very active sex life. That's why you're like, hit the bong.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I'm hitting the bong. I'm getting through it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. It's really hard out here for dads.

[A]

Yeah, but you're also losing weight.

[B]

That's why I'm getting so thin. And I think she's getting nervous.

[A]

So now you're getting, like, hotter, bruh.

[B]

The DMs are kind of getting flooded.

[A]

Yeah. You should let her know.

[B]

I do. I kind of do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, but I think she's also. I think what you said too, of like. Cause she's losing all the weight as well and she's starting to feel better. So I think that's a part of it too.

[A]

You want a subliminal message? This actually works on me. So I just got done sleep training. And while I was sleep training and I know we have to go, so I have to wrap this up. Whenever I was sleep training, you know, they cry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I was gentle sleep training. It wasn't cry it out. I was in the room and it's like this process. Anyway, I had noise canceling headphones on. And when I would turn them on, the Bluetooth would connect to his phone. It was really weird. I don't know why. I've never connected my headphones to his phone. But they connected to his phone and he knew that. And he would play porn in my headphones. So while this baby's like screaming bloody murder, I'd hear in my headphones. It was like. It was so overstimulating. I didn't even know what to do. But it did turn me on. So when your wife starts sleep training, your baby get her noise canceling headphones, connect your Bluetooth and play porn.

[B]

Lauren, I'm gonna try this.

[A]

You have to try it. It turned me on. I was like. I was. Cause it made me laugh. And then he would play Sir Mix a lot. I like Big Butts. And he would play all of these, like, hilarious songs. So I'd be like hearing, I like big butts and I cannot lie while my baby is three feet away screaming bloody murder for me. And it was really nice.

[B]

All right, you know what? That's what I'll do. I'll play with her emotions.

[A]

Yeah. Fuck with her.

[B]

I'll fuck with her emotions while she's going through the baby's crying.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Play porn.

[A]

Yes. Make sure you hear the slapping. You gotta hear it all. You know what I mean?

[B]

I'm gonna literally do this.

[A]

You have to do this. I am telling you.

[B]

I'm kind of curious what happens.

[A]

This is my advice to you.

[B]

I'm going to take it and I'm going to let you know how it goes.

[A]

Please let me know. I'll let you know my vows. You let me know how that goes.

[B]

Thank you for having me Lauren, thank.

[A]

You for having me.

[B]

This was a lovely podcast.

[A]

Yeah, thank you for coming on.

[B]

Had a lot of fun.

[A]

Me too. Guys, thank you for watching another super fun episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of milk with dinner? First Date. I can't wait. You told your mom about me? Yes. Delete my number. First Date, your parents are your roommate.