Jack Shaw Makes Women Gay | First Date with Lauren Compton

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: First Date with Lauren Compton
Episode: Jack Shaw Makes Women Gay
Release Date: January 6, 2026
Host: Lauren Compton
Guest: Jack Shaw (Comedian, viral content creator)

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Episode Overview

This episode of First Date with Lauren Compton is a comedic, candid dive into relationships, red flags, and dating realities through the lens of stand-up comic Jack Shaw. Lauren and Jack banter about living with a partner, their respective relationships, personal quirks, and their own romantic histories—complete with painfully honest (and funny) anecdotes. The tone is light, playful, and occasionally raunchy, poking fun at themselves and societal norms about love, sex, and adulthood.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Meeting, Moving In, and Dating Dynamics

• How Jack Met His Girlfriend ([00:39])
  • Met on Hinge (“first online date I ever went on”) and considers himself lucky.
  • First date: mountaintop pizza picnic with a valley view ([01:51]).
• Waiting to Move in Together ([01:06], [09:45])
  • Waited four years before moving in “to be sure,” citing physical distance and finances.
  • “I wanted to be sure, you know?... Moving in’s a big deal, and I wanted to find out everything first.”
• Living Together Quirks ([02:25], [02:55])
  • Jack’s pet peeve: girlfriend poops with the door open.
  • Lauren: “That’s normal.” Jack strongly disagrees, underscoring differing boundaries.
  • Both joke about double standards and oversharing quirks (e.g., tampon mishap, cooking misadventures).

Relationship Qualities and Red Flags

• Self-Reflection ([03:19]–[03:55])
  • Lauren presses Jack for his own red flags: “I don't have one. I’m perfect.”
  • Jack’s “biggest attribute”: “I have this massive penis. That’s a big thing about me.”
• Romance and Sweetness ([04:08]–[04:35])
  • Jack insists he’s sweet but “not romantic,” joking “I’m not gay” but admits to hugs and tickling.
• Double Standards ([04:50])
  • Jack: "Well, it’s okay when I do gross things."

Domestic Life: Cooking, Chores, and Hygiene

• Cooking Issues ([05:46]–[06:13])
  • Jack tries to cook but admits to regularly undercooking chicken (“medium rare chicken...not safe”).
  • Their relationship now shares “diarrhea...something we share together.”
• Cleanliness and Tidiness ([20:25])
  • Jack says he’s tidier than his girlfriend; she and her friends don’t shower daily, which shocks him.
  • Lauren showers twice a day (“I think that must be a personal preference”).

Hobbies and Lifestyle

• Fun and Leisure ([06:40]–[07:00], [17:07]–[17:53])
  • Jack likes video games (2K basketball); Lauren was a Starcraft fan.
  • For date nights: Magic Castle in LA, mini-golf, cooking at home, playing Wii together ("She's extremely competitive and not good at games" [20:03]).

Thoughts on Kids & Marriage

• Kids ([07:16])
  • Jack would like kids; girlfriend is afraid of pregnancy. Lauren shares her own easier pregnancy/C-section experience.
• Marriage/Money Perspective ([39:02])
  • Jack: “I’m not in a position to marry someone...want a much more stable life before that happens, at least financially.”
  • Lauren describes her marriage proposal in Napa Valley—wanted something special and at least a nice ring (“I had to wait four years for this bad boy” [43:45]).

Sex & Relationship Histories

• Breakups and Firsts ([15:53], [28:07], [29:00], [32:14])
  • Jack recounts four girlfriends, details of each breakup: secrecy, blunt breakups, discovering one ex was a lesbian (“I make women gay!” [30:11]).
  • Losing virginity at 17 to a girl who also took his friend’s virginity; says he just wanted to get it done, didn’t care for it to be “special.”
  • Lauren shares her own story: lost virginity in Disneyland on a ride—got caught and escorted out ([35:16]).
• Cheating and Insecurity ([26:24]–[27:29])
  • Discussing hypotheticals about being cheated on—would prefer being cheated on with someone more attractive for ego reasons.

Mental Health and Generational Humor

• ADHD, Autism, and Modern Labels ([22:14]–[23:20])
  • Jack jokes about his girlfriend’s ADHD and widespread claims of neurodiversity: “I feel like a lot of people talk about having mental illness now...say everyone has autism now. And I think that’s bullshit.”

Comedy Career and Partner Support

• Jack’s Stand-up Journey ([13:07])
  • Started in college, had both a great first set and a terrible follow-up, returned post-college to LA.
  • “Kill Tony made it an actual career path...I can now travel around and do shows and actually get paid for it.”
• Girlfriend’s Reaction to His Comedy ([13:59], [14:15], [14:24])
  • She’s an aspiring actress, works in costume/fashion, “tries to get in the act” by suggesting jokes.

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Notable Quotes & Highlights

• On Pet Peeves:
  "Dude, she shits with the door open.” (Jack, [02:25])
  Lauren: “That’s normal.” Jack: “Close it!”
• On Moving in Together:
  "I wanted to be sure, you know? Moving in's a big deal, and I wanted to find out everything first." (Jack, [01:19])
• On First Dates:
  "I wanted to take her somewhere we were very alone so no one could hear her scream." (Jack, [01:51])
• On Cooking Skills:
  “I cook chicken and...I like to make my chicken, like, medium rare.” (Jack, [05:50])
  Lauren: “I don’t know if that's safe.”
• On Relationship Double Standards:
  "Well, it's okay when I do it. It's okay when I do gross things." (Jack, [04:50])
• On Red Flags:
  Lauren: “What is your red flag?”
  Jack: “I don't have one… I’m perfect.” ([03:19])
• On Lesbian Exes:
  “And then the third relationship, she was a lesbian. Who knew? Not me...I did not know until the end.” (Jack, [30:11])
• On Cheating:
  “She could cheat on me… Especially if it was some kind of hunk.” (Jack, [26:24])
• On Cleanliness & Showering:
  “A lot of her friends don’t think it’s important to shower every day.” (Jack, [20:45]) Lauren: “I shower twice a day.”
• On Marriage Proposals:
  “She doesn’t like surprises, my girlfriend...I wouldn’t want something big and lavish. I think something on, like, a hike...with a nice view.” (Jack, [39:43]) “He [Lauren’s husband] proposed to me in Napa. I knew that he was gonna do it...so I have the whole thing on video!” (Lauren, [40:03])
• On Losing Virginity:
  “I had a friend who lost his virginity to this girl, and I was like, oh, I guess she's taking people’s virginity...I just wanted to get it over with.” (Jack, [32:21])

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Timestamp Guide for Key Segments

| Time | Topic | |--------------|-----------------------------------------| | 00:39–02:15 | How Jack met his girlfriend, first date | | 02:25–02:57 | Bathroom boundaries debate | | 03:19–03:55 | Red flags & attributes | | 05:46–06:13 | Cooking mishaps | | 07:16–08:07 | Kids, pregnancy, C-section stories | | 13:07–13:55 | Comedy career journey | | 17:07–18:00 | Date night activities | | 20:45–21:32 | Debating daily showers | | 22:14–23:20 | Mental health labels, ADHD, autism | | 25:09–25:56 | Touring, girlfriend on the road | | 26:24–27:29 | Cheating and insecurity | | 29:00–30:11 | Relationship breakups/Lesbian ex | | 32:14–33:56 | Virginity stories | | 39:02–41:06 | Marriage, proposal anxieties | | 43:12–44:03 | Engagement ring discussion, ethics |

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Memorable Moments

• The recurring gag about the plant in the studio “flirting” with Jack.
• Both host and guest joking about adolescent humor and “having the mind of a 13-year-old boy.” ([15:28], [17:07])
• Lauren’s Disneyland virginity story: “I got escorted out. For real.” ([35:44])
• Jack’s confession: “And then the third relationship, she was a lesbian. Who knew?... I make women gay!” ([30:11])

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Tone & Takeaways

The episode is loose, irreverent, and driven by authentic chemistry and self-deprecating humor. Both Lauren and Jack peel back the layers of relationship expectations, long-term commitment, and growing up in a generation that's both open about boundaries and casually crass about intimacy. Fans of unscripted, honest, and funny conversations about dating will appreciate the blend of awkward truths and genuine warmth sprinkled throughout.

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Follow-up:

• Jack Shaw: Instagram & tour dates at hijackshaw.com
• Lauren Compton: Weekly episodes of First Date with new guests

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For listeners: This episode is a rollercoaster of TMI moments, playful ribbing, and refreshingly candid talk about the realities of love, living together, and modern romance.

Transcript

[A]

I'm so excited to see you tonight. First Date, baby. First date.

[B]

I can't wait.

[A]

First date. What's up, you guys? Welcome to another episode of First Date. My guest today has been on Kill Tony, and you can go see him live. He's traveling all the way around the world. Around the nation. Yeah, we can say the world.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Love that. Go to hijackshaw.com for tickets. Welcome, Jack Shaw. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Ms. Lauren Compton.

[A]

Thank you for coming on my show.

[B]

You're welcome. I know you needed it, so I'm glad to be here.

[A]

So, we were just talking about your girlfriend. You met her in Houston.

[B]

No.

[A]

Or she's from Houston.

[B]

I'm sorry, Already not listening.

[A]

I know. It's one of my red flags.

[B]

No, we met in Los Angeles. She's from Houston.

[A]

Okay. And did she move in with you?

[B]

Yes, we just moved in together. Well, I guess it's like four or five months now, but we moved in together after four years of dating.

[A]

Okay. It's kind of a long time to date, to wait to move in together.

[B]

Yeah. I wanted to be sure, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Moving in's a big deal, and I wanted to find out everything first.

[A]

She'll get a new place. Or did she move in with you?

[B]

I can't afford a new place. It's an old place, but we got. No, we got a new place together.

[A]

That's what I meant.

[B]

Okay. Got it. Yeah. Yes.

[A]

Okay, cool. And how did y' all meet?

[B]

We met on Hinge.

[A]

Oh, fun.

[B]

Yeah. It was my first online date I ever went on, so I got really lucky. Or I was super desperate. Either way, it worked out.

[A]

Where'd you guys go?

[B]

We went to a mountaintop. I wanted to take her somewhere where we were very alone so no one could hear her scream.

[A]

How creepy.

[B]

That's my favorite kind of date. We went to this little hike and I brought a little pizza, and it was really sweet.

[A]

That is sweet.

[B]

It was like. There's this kind of lookout place in Sherman Oaks and you can see the whole valley from there.

[A]

Yeah. So in the four years that you guys are dating. Have been dating, and you want to find out all the good and all the bad, what is your biggest pet peeve?

[B]

Dude, she shits with the door open.

[A]

That's normal.

[B]

That's normal?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Close it.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Why? I don't want to smell what you're eating for breakfast all day.

[A]

But you see what she's eating.

[B]

What the fuck? What kind of logic is that? That was Crazy that since. But I see what she's eating, so. I don't like to look at porn.

[A]

But you shouldn't be surprised.

[B]

Do you share with the door open?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Of course. That's so weird to me.

[A]

We need to share everything in this relationship.

[B]

No, we don't. No, we don't. We need boundaries. Okay, we have boundaries. All right. Oh, my God. So I feel like there's a misconception that men are the gross ones. I think it's you guys.

[A]

I don't disagree.

[B]

Okay. So you agree? Yeah.

[A]

What is your red flag?

[B]

I don't have one.

[A]

You're perfect.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

That's hard to believe.

[B]

Why? I'm a great guy.

[A]

What is your biggest attribute?

[B]

Oh, hard to choose. There's just a lot. I have this. I have this. I have this massive penis. That's a big thing about me. Okay, thank you, guys. You don't believe me.

[A]

I didn't say that.

[B]

You're looking at me like you don't believe me.

[A]

I just think you're a little bit cocky.

[B]

Ha ha. Dude, this is why you're making it. That was good.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Camera A. Is that camera Which? Camera A. Okay. Doesn't matter.

[A]

I don't think we've labeled our cameras here.

[B]

What's my biggest attribute? Well, I'm really sweet. I'm very nice to you.

[A]

Are you romantic?

[B]

No. I'm not gay.

[A]

So when you're sweet, how are you sweet?

[B]

Well, I try to be sweet. I try to like. How am I sweet? I give her hugs.

[A]

Cute.

[B]

I give her.

[A]

I thought you weren't gay.

[B]

Fuck, maybe I am gay.

[A]

Do you high five her too?

[B]

Yes. That's a fun thing. We tickle each other.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Sometimes she tickles me too much and I fart.

[A]

Okay. And she can't shit with the door open.

[B]

Well, it's okay when I do it. Ah, it's okay when I do gross things.

[A]

I see.

[B]

Dude, she left her tampon on the counter the other day.

[A]

Okay, that's gross.

[B]

That was not cool.

[A]

No. Was it used.

[B]

A little bit.

[A]

Was it out of the package? Yes, it went up her vagina.

[B]

Please don't use that word with me.

[A]

Vagina?

[B]

Yeah, I don't. I don't like that word. Okay, I'm joking.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm kidding. Okay. It was out of the package, but it wasn't the red color.

[A]

Okay. So she.

[B]

I think this is my red flag. This podcast is my red flag.

[A]

So do you cook?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What do you like to cook?

[B]

I cook chicken and I like to make my chicken, like, medium rare.

[A]

Weird. I don't know if that's safe.

[B]

No, it's not. It's not? No. I've been making chicken a lot. Most times I've ever cooked for myself, though. Like, before living with her, I've gotten diarrhea, and now we both have it, so that's something we share together.

[A]

You should cook your chicken more.

[B]

That's right. I think that's right. Yeah. I've been cooking. I've been cooking chicken. I make spinach. Oh. We make smoothies together.

[A]

Okay. I can't believe this relationship has lasted four years. That's crazy.

[B]

What the hell?

[A]

I don't know. If someone just fed me chicken and. What'd you say? Spinach?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Chicken and smoothies.

[B]

We're big and strong. Yeah. I don't know. What do you cook?

[A]

What do you do for fun?

[B]

I like to play video games.

[A]

God, how old are you?

[B]

Why did you have me on here? I feel like you're not enjoying this.

[A]

I'm having a great time. I'm learning a lot. I haven't had someone who's 13 on my show in so long. Which video game do you play?

[B]

I play 2K basketball.

[A]

Okay. Have you ever played Starcraft?

[B]

No.

[A]

You should.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I love Starcraft.

[B]

Okay. So you play video games also.

[A]

I do. I did in my past.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I used to love playing video games. Now I just don't have much time.

[B]

Yeah. Cause you have a baby.

[A]

I do have a baby. Do y' all want kids?

[B]

I do. She says she's very scared of pregnancy, which. That makes sense. Yeah. I get that. I get that. That's scary.

[A]

Yeah. It's not that bad.

[B]

It's not that bad.

[A]

No.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It's the after the pregnancy part that's scary.

[B]

So you didn't have a bad time during pregnancy? That's amazing.

[A]

No, I didn't get nauseous. I didn't throw up. I didn't. I didn't. I don't know. I didn't have a terrible time.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Wow. My dad told me that. Oh. Oh. Did you poop on your baby?

[A]

No, I had a C section.

[B]

Oh, you did?

[A]

I did.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Congrats.

[A]

Thanks. It really fucking sucked.

[B]

That's horrible.

[A]

Yeah. That was the worst part.

[B]

That was the worst part. That's horrible.

[A]

Nine months were great, and then, like, 4:53 hours were really terrible.

[B]

Right. Okay, that makes sense.

[A]

I would take the 53 hours of terror.

[B]

That's so nice.

[A]

You know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad told me that my mom pooped on my head when I was born.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Yeah, I feel like that. I was told that happens a lot.

[A]

Yeah. Cause your woman's pushing so hard.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But.

[B]

And my girl shits with the door open, so.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I'm really used to shit by now.

[B]

Yeah. I really should.

[A]

Have you been in a lot of long term relationships?

[B]

No, this is by far my longest relationship.

[A]

Why do you think it's lasted so long?

[B]

I love her.

[A]

Oh, my God. That is really sweet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When did you say I love you?

[B]

I said it about three months in.

[A]

That's a good time.

[B]

Yeah, it was New Year's and I just had this magnificent nut. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ms. Compton. And then I said, I love you. And she said, oh.

[A]

So is that what they call, like, post nut clarity?

[B]

Yeah, but I had it in the right way where it was like, oh, this. Clearly, I love you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did she say it back?

[B]

Yes, she did.

[A]

And it still took four years to move in together.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Wow. Was there anything that you found out.

[B]

In between that was very judgmental?

[A]

Well, I'm just wondering why, like, three months you're like, I love you, but then four years later you're like, sure.

[B]

Well, so we met in college. So at first, the first year plus of dating, we were in separate schools.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So we weren't gonna move in that first year. Then we moved back and I was very poor and we weren't gonna move in then. Yeah. So it took a couple years.

[A]

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[A]

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[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How did you get into comedy?

[B]

I started. I went for the first time in college with my buddy and it was great. And then I went again and it was horrible.

[A]

Like when you say you went, you went to a show or you did.

[B]

You did stand up. I did stand up for the first time at this brewery. I went to school in San Luis Obispo.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And yeah, I got it. It's something I always wanted to do. And then I finally tried it and it went great. And then I Started really pursuing it after I moved back home from college and went back to la. Started really going to Mike's and pursuing it and then Kill Tony. Made it an actual career path, you know, it made it. I can now travel around and do shows and actually get paid for it.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Yeah, it's amazing.

[A]

What does your girlfriend do?

[B]

She wants to be an actress and she does a lot of. She's been working in the costume department, she's been working in fashion. She has a lot of jobs, but.

[A]

She'S trying to act fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you guys are both in entertainment?

[B]

That's right.

[A]

All right. Does she think you're funny?

[B]

Yes, she does.

[A]

Do you run jokes by her?

[B]

Yes, I do. She's been trying to get in the act.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like, she's been saying more and more ridiculous stuff to be like, you wanna use that?

[A]

Oh, is that annoying?

[B]

No, I love it. It's so sweet. It means she likes what I'm doing.

[A]

So you just don't like it when she shits with the door open?

[B]

That's my biggest thing.

[A]

Yeah, that's fair. I can see now how that would be your big red flag.

[B]

She's guys, she's great. Like every other. Oh my God.

[A]

I'm sorry. It likes you. It's flirting. My plants are flirting with you.

[B]

No, stop it.

[A]

Have you ever gone back to an ex?

[B]

What?

[A]

Have you ever gone.

[B]

That's what I do, by the way. That's how I make it. Do you like that?

[A]

Very prehistoric.

[B]

Yeah, I like dinosaurs.

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you cook chicken, you should make them into little dinosaur nuggets. I know. Genius.

[B]

Anyway, that's a great idea.

[A]

Follow me for more. Great advice.

[B]

I'm really the youngest person you've ever had on the podcast. For sure. I have the mind of a 13 year old boy.

[A]

I like that. Oh, it's fun.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[A]

So what was my last. What did I just ask you? I don't know. It was right before you started making dinosaur and sounds plant. I guess it doesn't really matter. Oh, have you ever gone back to an ex?

[B]

Oh, my God, no. One time I was dating this girl for just a couple of months and it was just clear that it was ending, we didn't like each other or in a way where we should be dating each other. And it was very obvious for both of us, but I actually to have breakup sex with me and she said no. So that dude, I thought that was supposed to be part of a breakup. I haven't had that many Relationships. I've had, like, four girlfriends in my life that I call girlfriends. Yeah.

[A]

I feel like I don't know if there's such a thing as breakup sex, but there's the getting back together sex.

[B]

Oh, I gotta call this girl.

[A]

I don't think your girlfriend would like that.

[B]

No. Yeah, she wouldn't.

[A]

So what's your idea of a date night? How do you guys do date night?

[B]

I guess it depends. How do we do date night? Can you give me an example of a date?

[A]

Do you go out to dinner or do you prefer to stay in and order?

[B]

Yeah, I guess I prefer. Oh, I like. If I am cooking, I do try to cook. And if I am making dinner, that'll be nice. And we'll play a little bit of Wii. And she's also 13, my girlfriend.

[A]

Well, it sounds like you guys are a perfect match.

[B]

You know, I'm trying to think of a specific date. Oh, this was fun. For our anniversary, our second or third anniversary, I got us tickets to the Magic Castle, which was awesome. That was really special. So, yeah, something like that. I like to do an activity. We went mini golfing recently.

[A]

That's fun.

[B]

That's a good time. I like that.

[A]

Yeah. The Magic Castle has to be one of the coolest things to do in la.

[B]

Absolutely. That was very cool.

[A]

I've been a couple times, and I've always just. You get to dress up. You have to dress up.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, I love dressing up, too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I really like putting on a suit or dress or a nice turtleneck. I have a very long neck. I have a long neck and I look great in the turtleneck.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where did you get that you have a long neck?

[B]

Well, I was looking in the mirror.

[A]

And I was like, fuck, you have a long neck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Got a long neck. Maybe your hoodie is.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Wow, you do have a long neck. That's wild.

[B]

I'm sorry for giving you the worst episode of your podcast ever.

[A]

This has been a terrible episode.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

I just. I'm struck by your long neck. Now, you know how sometimes you wouldn't notice anything unless someone physically pointed it out?

[B]

Why would I do that?

[A]

I know now I'm gonna be staring at your neck the whole time. God damn it. What was the last argument that you had with your girlfriend? What was it about?

[B]

Oh, fuck. There was something recently. We don't argue all that much. We get along very well. This was. I don't know, something stupid about turning off the lights before we leave. Cause our light bill was through the roof. I don't know, some Jewish shit like that and just like. Yeah. I can't really think of a big argument we've had, honestly.

[A]

Do you drink alcohol?

[B]

Not really. I don't. I don't drink too much and I'm a very lightweight.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I do drink.

[A]

Do you have any vices?

[B]

Yeah, I smoke pot.

[A]

Okay. Does she.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like it'd be fun to play. We. Hi.

[B]

That's right. It's a great time. Oh, we got an argument playing Wii. We got in an argument. I was beating her ass in tennis and she turned off the Wii.

[A]

Oh, she's a sore loser.

[B]

Oh, yeah. She's extremely competitive and not good at games.

[A]

That's not a good combo.

[B]

No, it's a bad combo. Yeah.

[A]

She's got to learn to let that go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, why don't you just go easier on her?

[B]

Cause I gotta win.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm gonna win this game.

[A]

Yeah. Are you very clean?

[B]

I try to be.

[A]

Are you tidy?

[B]

Yeah, I'm pretty ti. She has a lot of stuff, so we're both. I think I might be more tidy than she is. She told me that she and a lot of her friends, her girlfriends, don't think it's important to shower every day.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

What do you think about that?

[A]

I think that that must be a personal preference. I shower twice a day.

[B]

Twice a day.

[A]

I like to shower in the morning when I wake up. Cause it helps wake me up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I shower before I go to bed because it helps relaxes me before bed.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah, she, like, doesn't like to shower.

[A]

Is there a reason why?

[B]

I think she's afraid of water. Maybe. Maybe she's got aquaphobia.

[A]

I think you should dive into that.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I know. That's two in one podcast.

[B]

That was amazing.

[A]

You should find out if she's afraid of water.

[B]

She said that a lot of her friends agree with her. So I'm glad I asked you about that. Cause I think that's insane. I shower every day. Oh, my God. Stop it.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Oh, my God. This plan is so flirty with me.

[A]

It's gonna start tickling you, and then you're gonna fart.

[B]

Oh, my God. Callback.

[A]

What do you have on your nightstand?

[B]

Oh, I have a lamp. And that's it. I don't think else. Yeah. Is that. Am I supposed to have more on my nightstand?

[A]

My nightstand is just so full. I'm always trying to very carefully move things so I don't knock everything over.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But I don't know. I think that's just because I like to see everything and I have drawers, but I feel like if I put things in the drawers because then I can't see it.

[B]

Oh, okay. Do you have like ADHD or some other made up disease?

[A]

I don't know. I should check that out.

[B]

She has adhd.

[A]

I'll ask my magic globe.

[B]

You have a magic globe?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

But you said it was made up, right?

[B]

Right. She has ADHD and she likes to talk about that a lot.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's like the only thing she can like focus on is that she's mentally ill. Oh, yeah.

[A]

That.

[B]

That annoys me a little bit. That annoys me because I feel like. I feel like a lot of people talk about having mental illness now when it's like we're all. We're still very functioning people in the world and say everyone has autism now. And I think that's bullshit.

[A]

I do too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't think everyone has autism.

[B]

My uncle has autism. That guy can't fend for himself.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, it's really bad. Yeah, but he's a dick. He's like the meanest guy I've ever met.

[A]

Wow. That's two strikes against him, dude.

[B]

I mean, you can't be autistic and an asshole.

[A]

Yeah. You gotta choose one, right?

[B]

Yeah. I don't like him.

[A]

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[B]

Yes.

[A]

Good job.

[B]

Pretty Beast.

[A]

Have you always shout out. Have you always met people on dating apps?

[B]

No, no, this was. I'm telling you, Claire is her name. Claire is the first online date I ever went on. So I just never. I never. I just never was using dating apps.

[A]

Yeah, you just had more luck in person.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You gotta meet me and my just absolutely amazing personality.

[A]

Yeah. Does she go on tour with you sometimes?

[B]

No, she hasn't yet. Comedy touring is very new for me. I mean, like a year ago I was doing open mics, and then Kill Tony happened, and now I'm getting real shows, so she came to Austin with me this time, though. This is our first time in Austin together.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you guys gonna do here in Austin?

[B]

She's gonna come to Kill Tony with me.

[A]

Oh, cool.

[B]

And that's gonna be really fun. And, you know, hopefully people aren't mean to her.

[A]

I hope not.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, that's always possible with comics.

[A]

I guess.

[B]

They're not gonna be mean to her. They'd just be mean to me.

[A]

I don't think any. Have you had.

[B]

And by mean, I mean, like comedian mean. Like, it's just. We're making jokes about it, like they're.

[A]

Picking on you a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, that's what we all do.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. I don't think anyone will be mean to her, though.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That would be weird.

[B]

That would be super weird. Hey, nice to meet you. You're a bitch. That would be crazy.

[A]

That'd be nuts.

[B]

That would be very weird. Yeah.

[A]

Well, let's say that she's your soulmate. What can she do to ruin that?

[B]

Oh, my God. She could cheat on me. I would feel really bad about that. Especially if it was some kind of hunk. If it was some big hunk.

[A]

Does that make it worse?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because I'm not. Yeah, I'm not a big hunk.

[A]

See, I've always wanted when I get cheated on.

[B]

Oh, does that happen a lot?

[A]

I've been cheated on before.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And I've always wished that it was with someone that was like a Victoria's Secret model so I could feel better about it. Cause then I could be like, okay, I see why you did that.

[B]

Oh, so they. So in. In your past, when you've been cheated on, they've been dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Oh, my God.

[A]

And I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[B]

Why? So. And did you stay with that person afterwards? Good for you.

[A]

No, but if it would have been a Victoria's Secret model, I would have been like, okay, I get it. You made a mistake. She's hot.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Make me feel better. Come back to me.

[B]

See, I feel like I could come back from someone who's uglier than me. I feel like I could, like, you know, that's a bounce back. You know, like if you actually, you know, if you're gonna cheat on me with someone who's uglier than me, then I'm the cute one.

[A]

But then why. So why do people cheat on the cute one?

[B]

Oh, why? I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

It's confusing, right?

[B]

I've never been with someone who has cheated on me, so I've never actually experienced that.

[A]

So why did you break up with these other girlfriends in the past?

[B]

Well, did I break up with them?

[A]

Oh, they left you. Why?

[B]

One, we were going to college, so it was like. And that. Actually my first relationship, she. It was in high school, and she really wanted to keep it a secret. She was really big on. Our relationship is secret and you can't tell anyone about it.

[A]

Red flag.

[B]

At the time, I was like, oh, yeah, cool. Yeah. No, that makes sense. You don't want. This is like. That's like a cute thing we're doing. No, it's. Cause she didn't want people to know about me.

[A]

Yeah, that's mean.

[B]

So mean.

[A]

How long did this relationship last?

[B]

Like six months. Not a long time.

[A]

Okay. And then she dumped you.

[B]

And then we were going to college and she was like, we're not gonna be in a relationship. And I was like, yeah, totally. Sure, that makes sense.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then the second relationship. Yeah, I guess it's all been them. It's all been them. The second relationship, we were driving in the car and she was just. She was driving the car. Red flag. And she.

[A]

Why is that a red flag?

[B]

Women can't drive.

[A]

Asian women can't drive.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

No, I'm gonna get canceled for.

[B]

She was driving the car and she. I don't know. It'd been like a couple weeks of like. We just weren't having a good time together. And I said to her, do you even wanna be in a relationship with me? And she said, no.

[A]

A resounding no.

[B]

Damn, I was not expecting that. I thought this was a layup.

[A]

But thank you for being honest.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. That's true. It was nice that she was honest about it. Yeah. Very sweet of her. That's a good twist. Yeah. And then the third relationship, she was a lesbian. Who knew?

[A]

Not you.

[B]

Not me. I Did not know until the end of it. And she was like, I like women. And I'm like, oh, that would have.

[A]

Been your key to a threesome?

[B]

Fuck. Fuck.

[A]

You should have been like, I like women too. And in fact, I like women so much that I'll date you and your girlfriend.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I'm just saying that if Claire ever.

[B]

This is the same girl, by the way, who wouldn't have breakup sex with me. Oh. I have a lot of phone calls to make.

[A]

You do? At least curiosity ones.

[B]

Have you had a threesome before?

[A]

No.

[B]

No.

[A]

No.

[B]

Have you been to an orgy before?

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No. No. I've never been interested in a threesome. Yeah, I'm too.

[B]

Is that more of a male thing?

[A]

Territorial? No. I think that a lot of girls are into threesomes. Like, I've heard most. When I talk about threesomes with people, I feel like most of the time it's because a girl approaches a guy and she's like, hey, my friend and I were wondering if you would be interested in sleeping with us or messing around with us or whatever.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

But I do feel like that's, like, a curiosity thing for girls who are wondering if.

[B]

If they're gay. Oh, that's just my personal opinion. Right.

[A]

Cause I've never wanted to, like, be with another girl.

[B]

Yeah. My girlfriend is not interested in that. And I keep asking.

[A]

So you're asking the wr. Right? You have to ask someone who literally tells you they're gay. It's okay. Next time.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

Plant.

[B]

I could. And that plant and this plant and me. Fuck.

[A]

Really?

[B]

We can cut that out.

[A]

It's okay. We cut things out all the time.

[B]

I know.

[A]

How old were you when you lost your virginity?

[B]

I was 17.

[A]

How did you lose your virginity?

[B]

I had a friend who lost his virginity to this girl, and I was like, oh, I guess she's taking people's virginity. I was like, you're perfect. Amazing. A lot of people have, like, virginity is, like, coveted. Right. Like, they want to have it with someone special. Right. Not me. I did not care about that. I just wanted to get it over with and move on from that. Yeah, that was a big deal for me. So he lost his virginity to this girl, and then when they stopped seeing each other, I was like, what about me?

[A]

Did you ask him? Was he upset?

[B]

He wasn't happy. He wasn't happy about that. My fault. My bad. But I was desperate.

[A]

Okay, that makes it better.

[B]

Yeah. Right. Makes it. Okay.

[A]

So you approached this girl. Were you honest about it? Like, were you just like. How did you go about just sleeping with this girl?

[B]

There had been. We had been friends in high school for a while, and then it just kind of. Just kind of worked out. I believe she invited me over to her place and.

[A]

It was like 17 years old.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she had her own place?

[B]

No, her parents place, but her parents were out of town. Uh. Oh. And. And I don't know. One thing led to another and. Your boy's not a virgin.

[A]

Okay. And then did you ever talk to this girl again?

[B]

No.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

No, I. I did. I did. We were friends for a while.

[A]

All right. So that's how you lost your virginity?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't special. Not memorable.

[A]

I kinda like that more, though.

[B]

Did you lose your virginity to someone you cared for?

[A]

I used to care for him. So I dated this guy for years and we never had sex. We messed around, we did other stuff, but I had this phobia that if I slept with him, he wouldn't wanna be with me anymore.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So I never slept with him. And then we broke up.

[B]

Cause you wouldn't sleep with him?

[A]

I think I broke up with him. I moved to California and he was still in Texas. And so I left. And then like a year went by or something and I didn't give a shit about this guy anymore. And then he contacted me and asked if he could come visit me in la. And I was like, you know what? I'm not doing anything. I'm not seeing anybody. Sure, why not? And then I lost my virginity then.

[B]

Oh, my God. How old were you?

[A]

I was.

[B]

19. Okay.

[A]

Ish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Somewhere around there. Cause I moved to LA when I was like, 18. It was between 18 and 19. It was somewhere in between there.

[B]

Right. And was it special in any way?

[A]

Yeah, it was at Disneyland.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You lost your Virginia at Disneyland?

[A]

We did. On a ride.

[B]

On a ride. There are kids on that ride.

[A]

There was no one on that ride. Wow. We went at like 8:30 at night back then. It was like the last call for the ride and there was like, no one really on there.

[B]

Yeah. But there's cameras. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There was some operator having a time that day.

[A]

Great time.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Our ride ended and there was a cleanup crew waiting for us.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I got escorted out. For real? I got escorted. We got escorted out. Oh, they saw they got banned for life.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Yeah. So it was a whole thing. I'm surprised they didn't get arrested.

[B]

Me too. Isn't that public indecency?

[A]

Absolutely. At a children's Theme park.

[B]

Yeah, dude. Epic.

[A]

Yeah. So that's. That's how mine went down. But. But I didn't give a shit about him anymore. So it was. It was kind of like. I was also very disconnected. It did not bring me back to him. I was like, oh, my God. This is what I was, like, holding out for.

[B]

Right. And losing your virginity for women is usually worse, right?

[A]

Yeah. I think it can create. No.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

No, I had used tampons and stuff.

[B]

Oh, right, right, right, right.

[A]

But, no, not really. I mean, he also wasn't that big.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Yeah. I wasn't like, ow.

[B]

Ew. Ew. Don't do that.

[A]

Ear muffs. Ear muffs. Yeah. But anyway, that was. It was at least fun.

[B]

Yeah. You know, I mean, you were at the happiest place on earth.

[A]

Yeah. We really went out with a bang.

[B]

Oh, my God. So.

[A]

You said you're really sweet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone?

[B]

The sweetest thing I've ever done for someone?

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Why? Geez, I don't. I go to see my grandma sometimes, and that makes her really happy.

[A]

That is sweet.

[B]

That's sweet.

[A]

Does she live in la?

[B]

She does. She lives a little outside of la. And I go out there to see her, and I don't like going there. Cause my uncle lives with her.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We don't like him. We don't like the uncle.

[B]

I don't know what. Like, I don't know why I'm blanking on something super sweet. Like, do you have something that you did that was really sweet for someone? Are you sweet?

[A]

I'm pretty sweet, but my sweetness changes throughout the years.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Like, I think I'm trying to think of something I did recently that was really sweet. Like, last night, to me, this is sweet. So we just got back from a trip to New York.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I unpacked my husband's bag, so his suitcase. So I took all of his dirty clothes, and I started doing laundry, and I hung up all the clothes that he didn't wear that were clean. I put all of his shoes away so he didn't have to do that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And to me, I did that as a way to say, like, I love you. Like, I'm gonna. So I unpacked our bags.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But, like, that, to me, is really sweet.

[B]

Right? That. Okay, that's. That makes sense. Like, she. She'll work during the day and I work at night, and I'll cook her dinner so she has it when she comes home.

[A]

That is safe. You guys are, like, married?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, we've been together so long. Yeah. You know.

[A]

Do you know how you're gonna propose to her?

[B]

I don't.

[A]

Have you thought about it?

[B]

I don't. I. Yes, I have, but I just don't. I can't financially. I'm not in a position to marry someone, you know, And I feel like I want to have a much more stable life before that happens, at least financially. I know as a comic, I'll be traveling a lot, but I don't know. I haven't deeply thought about that.

[A]

That makes sense. How old are you?

[B]

26.

[A]

So you're also still really young to even think about that.

[B]

Right. When did you get married?

[A]

I got married a year ago.

[B]

Oh, my God. Congratulations. And was it like a. Was it like. She doesn't like surprises, my girlfriend, so I know it would. And I don't either. I wouldn't want, like, something big and lavish. I think something on, like, a hike or something with a nice view, you.

[A]

Know, for, like, a proposal.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Did you have something like that?

[A]

He proposed to me in Napa. I really wanted to go wine tasting, and so he proposed to me in Napa. That's beautiful. And I knew that he was gonna do it. And it took. Everywhere that we went, I could tell that he was just, like. The wheels in his head were just turning. If this was the right place. If this was the right place. If. And he scared himself to death. And so he did it before. Literally before we, like, checked out of our room. He just did it.

[B]

He just panicked. Oh, marry me.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. I was taking a video of the place where we were staying because it was like a chateau. We were staying in this really special place in Napa Valley. And as I was taking a video of the place, he's like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm taking a video of this place because someday I want you to build this for me, and I want to remember all the little details. And he's like, well, what did he say? He was like, well, I also want you to remember this. And then I turned around, and he was on one knee with the ring. And so I have the whole thing on video.

[B]

And you turned around, and his pants were off, and he had his.

[A]

The ring was upside down.

[B]

Yeah. It was on his.

[A]

No.

[B]

Will you marry me? No.

[A]

That was a horrible way to end my story.

[B]

Sorry. I'm sorry. I can't help it.

[A]

Yeah. So anyway.

[B]

That's really sweet. So it was kind of a surprise. You did know that. When you turned around, were you surprised to be like, no, it's happening? No, not at all. No.

[A]

He had.

[B]

Did you act surprised?

[A]

No, I didn't.

[B]

What is wrong with you?

[A]

He had so many other, like, amazing opportunities. We went on a helicopter ride. We went to the French Laundry.

[B]

We, like, on a helicopter wouldn't have been good. You wouldn't be. You wouldn't be able to hear a shit. You marry me.

[A]

Kind of into that.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I would have been into that. That's actually pretty cool. That's kind of action.

[A]

Yeah. And then the ring flies out the window. It's like 007. We put on our parachutes, we skydive to get to the ring.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

That could have been.

[B]

That's a great idea.

[A]

See? Fuck, yeah. But instead, it was just a knee jerk reaction right before we left.

[B]

Oh, my God. You're totally bummed on this.

[A]

Well, I didn't, like, love it. No. I also wanted someone to take pictures of me being, like, with like, the heel flip and be like, oh, there was no photographer. Yeah. There was, like, no moment.

[B]

That's a giveaway to me, though, if someone's, like, following you with a camera.

[A]

The whole thing was a giveaway. I knew it was gonna happen, you know, like, this was not a surprise.

[B]

I like, I like. I want a photographer, though. I want, like, someone to pop out of a bush and, you know.

[A]

Yeah. I just wanted, like, some record of my reaction. And so what I had to do as I was filming it was. I turned the camera around on me and I was like, oh, my God.

[B]

It's like a fake proposal.

[A]

Yeah. I've asked him to redo it.

[B]

Oh, has he?

[A]

No, I don't think he will.

[B]

Is it a nice ring?

[A]

It is a beautiful ring.

[B]

Can I see it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my. Look at that rock.

[A]

It's great.

[B]

Look at that rock.

[A]

He did, too.

[B]

Claire, if you're watching this, not getting that on the ring. That is not what we're doing. That is not happening.

[A]

He did do amazing on the ring.

[B]

That's. Yeah, that's a beautiful ring.

[A]

Yeah. So every time I get down about the proposal, I should just look at the ring and be like, well, yeah, he did do good.

[B]

Is it a real diamond or a factory diamond?

[A]

It is a real diamond.

[B]

Nice. He had some, like. Some like, Cambodian child.

[A]

Well, I hope that at least two people have died at the bottom of a volcano.

[B]

Would you hope that?

[A]

Yes, absolutely. I had to wait four years for this bad boy.

[B]

Oh, you need some death for this, right?

[A]

Just some digging at the bottom of a volcano. I'm sure they're fine.

[B]

They're not fine. You're sure they're fine. They're not fine.

[A]

I searched the whole time I was waiting, and no volcanoes erupted.

[B]

Yeah, but that's not where they're dying.

[A]

So where can people find you?

[B]

Oh, we're done. That's it. That's it. We're done. You can find me on Instagram and outside of this podcast, apparently. What is it? It's been five minutes. Holy shit.

[A]

No, but really, where? So on Instagram, people can go to your website. Hijackshaw.com.

[B]

That'S right. My Instagram's the same handle.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you for coming on my show.

[B]

Thank you so much for having me. That was a blast.

[A]

Of course. Guys, thank you for watching another episode of First Date. We'll see you next time. First Date. Baby, are you really drinking a glass of of milk with dinner? You told your mom about me? Just say you're ready. Delete my number. First Date, your parents are your roommate. First date.